No matter what you do, your Facebook profile pic is always going to be a little threatening when you're a vampire.

Count Dracula, Nosferatu, Twilights “Edward” or Bill Compton from True Blood – wherever they appear, vampires are insanely popular right now.

Maybe it all started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the charming Billy Idol wannabe, Spike. Or perhaps we all developed a childhood attachment to Sesame Streets’ obsessive-compulsive, “The Count”.

Whatever it is, these shadow-dwelling, blood-sucking undead creatures of the night have been romanticised to within an inch of their (un)life

Sure, there’s the immortality, the brooding, the hot girls desperate for you to give them the worlds most intense hickey, but is being a vampire all it’s cracked up to be?

We took a look at some of the practical drawbacks of vampirism.

(Thanks to James Hazelden for his additional vampiric suggestions)

• They can only drink blood, and blood tastes like… well… it’s no Krispy Kreme donut.
• Vampires are awake when the only thing on TV is infomercials and reruns of old made-for-tv movies.
• There are so many nasty blood-borne diseases, vampires now have to practice “Safe Sucking” using a heavy duty dental dam.
• Vampires sleep in coffins, which makes vampire slumber parties weird and depressing.
• They’re at risk on the road because other drivers can’t see them in their rearview mirrors.
• If you try to baptize a vampire you just end up melting his face off.
• Vampires live forever, which sounds cool but it means they’ve heard every joke 3465 times at least.
• Vampires are constantly being mistaken for members of bad emo bands.
• If a vampire accidentally bites his tongue, his tongue turns into a tiny vampire.
• Crosses kill vampires, so if a vampire is double-crossed, he dies twice.
• If a vampire is exposed to the sun he turns into dust, which means now none of his clothes fit.
• Vampires receive a lot of spam emails convincing them to buy fake tan pills.

“Dear Sir,

Does the story about Neil Armstrong’s alleged famous words spoken on the Moon ‘Good Luck Mr Gorsky!’ have anything to do with the name of your website?

Yours truly,  LAV from Russia”

Chris’ Answer

Mr. Lav, that is a great question.

The Gorskys were named at a special naming ceremony in 1997, in which a captive audience in a little pub in Melbourne was asked to suggest a new name for the then “Toasted Marshmallows”.

There is good reason to believe that the audience member who suggested this name was a fan of internet lore, and may have been influenced by the story you mention.

The truth is none of us can remember how exactly the name came about as we were all too drunk.

Chris.

The term 'hybrid car' will take on a new meaning in a fuel-poor decade.

Another decade has begun as we say goodbye to the excitingly-named ‘noughties’ and enter the slightly-more-awkward ‘tenties’.

At the start of the noughties, terrorism was something that only happened in the Middle East, black US presidents existed only in the movies and a 1 gb hard drive was really hard to fill up.

The noughties saw the rise of social networking, reality tv and celebrity deaths, and the fall of financial stability, the environment and privacy.

Good times.

So what will befall us over the next 10 years? The first female US president? World peace? Ten more seasons of ‘LOST’?

Here’s our predictions:

• Apple will copyright and trademark the letter ‘i’ and request royalties every time it is used. Mississippi will go bankrupt.
• Old people will complain about young people. Young people will claim they know better than the old people. There will be a war declared between young people and old people. Young people will win. James Cameron will make the movie.
• There will be flying cars. Then flying traffic jams.
• The 1980s will come back in vogue. Again.
• Aliens will finally make contact, then politely excuse themselves and head home at light speed when they realise humans are all self-absorbed idiots who spend too much time on Facebook hoping their friends are interested in what they ate in the last half-hour.
• Some people will get sick of playing Bejeweled.
• There will be a concerning trend among teens of ‘hexting’ in which they send spells via text message.
• Text messaging and Twitter will become the dominant forms of communication. Anything longer than 320 characters will be considered “too wordy”.
• Movies involving vampires and zombies will be considered “so last decade”.
• Justin Bieber will become the biggest name in music – and then that name you can’t quite recall.
• Oprah Winfrey will become the first female US president. Sarah Palin will have her own TV show.
• Humans will set up a new colony on Mars which will be used to house the detritus of human society – serial killers, pedophiles and reality-tv stars.
• George Lucas will re-master and release the entire Star Wars collection in 3D, then Smell-o-vision, then they will all be remade by Peter Jackson.
• TV will go 3D and be projected into mid-air. The programs will still be crap.
• Science will discover that all fruit and vegetables are linked to cancer. Everyone will start eating dirt.
• Secret CIA documents will be released revealing who killed JFK… It was Elvis.
• Humans will abandon the concept of ‘conversation’ and simply communicate in short, snappy status updates.

The Birds - A classic Hitchcock horror, or a terrible premonition of Twitter's 140-character deluge of commentry and trending topics?

Since being burnt when we bought ten Betamax Video Recorders in the 1980s, the good folk of GORSKYS.COMedy have resisted the urge to jump onboard the latest fad.

But we’re also a fan of keeping things short and sweet, so Twitter seems a logical bandwagon to jump on.

But sadly we’ve run out of characters.

Please follow @gorskyscomedy on Twitter and enjoy our erratic updates in 140 characters.

We’ll also inform you when the GORSKYS.COMedy is updated, and maybe become famous for abusing some celebrity. Who knows?

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Follow GORSKYS.COMedy on Twitter.

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Television is getting pretty scary these days, what with all that cursing, sex, violence and overacting, which is why I appreciate a good program-content warning.

I like to know before I settle down in front of the box if the latest episode of American Idol contains “mild sexual references”, or if the latest South Park will contain some “crude and indecent language”, or if the repeat of Everybody Loves Raymond will contain any jokes at all.

But I think the networks should take their rating systems further and really give us a sense of what we can expect in a TV show. I’d like to see the warning “Tonight’s episode of The Biggest Loser may contain images that may not be suitable for people eating their dinner”, or “The following program, So You Think You Can Dance, contains unbridled egos, occasional insincere crocodile tears and numerous tantrums”.

That would be my cue to turn off.

So, for the safety of the viewing public, here are some content warnings for some popular TV shows.

• LOST – The following program is rated “Confusing”. It contains never-ending storylines, convoluted premises, and never-resolving script threads.
• HOUSE MD – This program may induce medical paranoia and is not suitable for hypochondriacs.
• GREYS ANATOMY – The following program contains circular storylines, ridiculous sentimentality, sickly love stories and self-important characters and should not be watched by anyone.
• BIG BROTHER – The following program contains spectacularly-dull examples of humanity.
• DEXTER – This program may encourage vigilante behaviour in rednecks and idiots.
• AMERICAN IDOL – This program contains numerous instances of people who think warbling through multiple octaves somehow makes them a good singer.
• AUSTRALIAN IDOL – This program will contain multiple instances of a self-important obnoxious, talentless commercial-radio hack making judgements based purely on flawed opinion and arrogant assumption.
• 60 MINUTES – May contain traces of truth.
• E! – May contain traces of entertainment (but probably not).
• TWO AND A HALF MEN – This program contains overuse of canned laughter, even though no discernible joke has been delivered.
• THE APPRENTICE – This program contains images of Donald Trump’s hair, which may cause seizures.
• NEIGHBOURS (Aust) – Seriously implausible storylines, appalling dialogue and insipid actors with aspirations to be popstars. (See also HOME AND AWAY).
• THE HILLS – The following program may contain the ridiculous premise that the situations are real and not carefully scripted by cynical network executives.
• 24 – The following program may contain a premise that was a good idea for one series, but has now been completely thrashed to death.
• DANCING WITH THE STARS – May contain people you recognise but cannot put a name to, embarrassing themselves in front of the nation.
• AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL – May reinforce all your worst fears about how dumb pretty people are.

Rene Descartes "likes" this article.

“Brad is eating a donut”.

Those five words have just replaced the part of my brain storing Descartes’ sublime existential observation “I think therefore I am”. The more I use Facebook, the more banal information is replacing the interesting stuff stored in my primitive cortex. “Jenny can’t wait for the weekend”. That’s great – suddenly I understand Jenny much more deeply. I feel closer to her: I also can’t wait for the weekend. If only I could remember where I’d met Jenny. Or indeed if I have ever met her. Who the hell is this Jenny, and why is the rest of her week such a write-off? And why do I need to know that?

Luckily, my friends have sent me some weird virtual plants, want me to take a quiz about 80s sitcom stars, and have voted me ‘#9 Most Likely To Go Crazy With a Gun’. Now I feel much more loved.

I should poke someone and remind them that I exist.

But without the Facebook, I am nothing. No one could invite me to their parties, gigs or. Noone could write witty insults on my wall. I would cease to exist. Luckily “I Facebook, Therefore I Am”.

bar mitzvahs. Maybe you work in a call centre, or maybe you’re between lectures and can afford to waste a few hours in the zany world of social networking, but what really spooks me is that somewhere out there, there’s a genius with the potential to find a cure for cancer or reverse global warming who’s going to be discovering that “Kylie is a fan of Sleeping” instead.

So before you head off to update your status, here’s some things you could be doing instead of wasting your life on Facebook.

• Sort your CDs by hue.
• Count to a billion-trillion by threes.
• Learn Klingon and teach it to children in Third World countries.
• Start and maintain an amateur porn website for Mormons.
• Write an iPhone application in binary code.
• See how much water you can drink before you dissolve.
• Reflect on the tragic life of Heath Ledger in real time.
• Research a way to bring peace to the Middle East using puppies.
• Give nicknames to every cell in your body.
• Print the internet.
• Call everyone in the world and see how much they liked Barack Obama’s acceptance speech.
• Take a photo of yourself every day for 18 years and upload it to YouTube.
• Calculate how many breaths you have taken since you were born.
• Translate the Bible (Old and New Testament) into Elvish.
• Find a happy financial advisor on Wall Street.
• Document all the factual errors in Wikipedia.
• Learn the names of everyone in China by heart and recite them back.
• Sing every song ever written in the key of G as a country ballad.
• Build a robot out of butter.

Instead of buying the family an expensive new plasma TV, Mr. Smith settled for a bag of plasma.

Here we are on the verge of recession. Times are tough and they’ll probably only get tougher. It’s all a bit of a shock, and a lot of people are wondering: “How do you survive a recession?”

We think the best place to turn for answers is old people – they lived through a ‘Great Depression’ in the 1930s, which sounds a lot worse than a recession.

What the old people will tell you (after having told you about their various ailments), is that in their day they had to get creative in order to make it through. Playing charades at home instead of going out to the movies, standing around a piano having a sing-a-long rather than going out to a karaoke bar or using earwax, and nose hairs to make makeshift candles.

Yes, the old people were creative and courageous, so we thought we would engage some of that ‘olde-time’ ingenuity to come up with our own ways to live more frugally through the economic downturn.

• Keep your mobile-phone conversations short and sharp – rather than “I have some bad news, Jimmy.. your Aunt Cecilia has passed away” try “Cecilia. Dead. Bye.”
• Make a delightful, long-lasting table arrangement by putting a dead stick into a vase. Makes an excellent conversation piece.
• An old pair of underpants can become a delightful tea-cosy. Makes an excellent conversation piece.
• Belly-button fluff can be saved up over the warmer months and then spun and knitted into a lovely scarf for the winter.
• Always visit your friends around mealtimes.
• Spend a little money having your stomach stapled so you can’t eat as much of your food rations.
• Have your car converted Flintstones-style with a hole in the bottom so you can walk your car to work.
• A thimble of methylated spirits mixed with orange juice makes a refreshing summer beverage. Whatever you do, don’t smoke.
• Buy a good colour photocopier and photocopy your remaining dollars to multiply your savings.
• Save your used Band Aids® to stick posters on your wall.
• To turn toast back into bread, scrape and soak in water.
• Use both sides of the toilet paper.
• Why waste money on a baby sitter? Lock your kids in a cupboard.
• Paint colours on the leaves of your weeds to make them look like flowers.
• No dishwasher? Try popping your dishes in the washing machine.
• Save on power bills by replacing our high-wattage light bulbs with broken ones.

Is your name already "Mark"? Have you considered adding the prefix "Question" for a unique and mysterious nickname?

It’s what the internet is all about: making life easier…

Whether you’re looking for a nickname for yourself or your partner, you want to send your love, or break it off or find out what your x-men mutation is, we’ve got it all here on GORSKYS.COMedy…

Ultimate Nickname Generator (Now on Facebook!)

Find Your Star Wars Name

Discover Your X-Men Mutation

Love-o-matic Love Letter Generator

Love-o-matic Break Up Letter Generator

How Good a Criminal Are You? Tester

How Paranoid Are You? Tester

GORSKYS.COMedy – taking the hard work out of thinking.

Animation screened at Animation Club in Melbourne – a monthly animation competiton open to all citizens of the world.