Lesbians! Here’s another excuse to have a party.

There’s an exciting holiday on the 14th of February. Yes, we know, we know, I hear you sigh.

But I’m not talking about Valentine’s day. I know very well about the big V-day when you accidentally laughed at the uber-cute cuddly toy your then-girlfriend got you. She got all watery-eyed, burst into tears, and told you you were selfish and ungrateful. You tried to make it better by teasing her affectionately about her pouty face. I can’t believe you actually followed this up by pinching her cheek. Maybe you thought she would smile shyly, wipe away her tears, and start to laugh at her own over-emotional reaction. Boy, were you wrong.

What followed was a series of unfortunate events, including the incident on the drive home when you’d had enough of her ice-cold silence and told her she was high-maintenance. She got out the car, slammed the door, and you had to follow her for half a mile before she stomped back, got in the passenger seat and slumped down with her arms folded.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is a holiday full of bitterness and regret, heartache and drama. So forget about it. She is not going to melt into you arms lovingly, because she’s still angry that you snapped at her yesterday when she took too long to get ready and you had to hurry because you were meeting someone. Do you need to change your shirt again? You demanded. Why is Crispy suddenly so important that you have to leave this very second? Retorted your beloved. Valentines Day is out, my friends. But all is not lost. Guess what other holiday falls on the 14th of February?

Chinese New Year! It turns out that Chinese New Year is the perfect holiday for lesbians:

• On Chinese New Year, married people have to give un-married people Ang Pao’s – gifts of money in red envelopes. This means that you don’t have to get anything for your fussy girlfriend.  All you have to do is throw a Chinese New Year party, invite a few married couples (stating clearly on the invitation the custom of giving Ang Pao’s) and you’ll make a sweet profit.
• Chinese New Year is all about food. We already know that lesbians- with the exception of Grace Downunder- are excellent chefs. Dumplings are delicious and not to difficult to make. Prepare a CNY feast, with succulent duck, tasty chicken, steamed fish and tender beef;  get creative and be the hostess with the mostess.
• Wine and beer are also enjoyed over the festive time, and because it’s Chinese New Year, you are drinking to CELEBRATE! Not because you are all single and lonesome.
• Gambling is a Chinese New Year favourite. Whip out a pack of cards and play some poker. If your short on cash, make the evening more creative and possibly awkward with a rousing round of Never Have I Ever.

Avoid the pressure and stress that Valentine’s Day brings, and instead celebrate the far more fun and raucous Chinese New Year festival. The object of your affection will swoon at your culinary prowess, whoop for joy when you win $50 off Crispy, laugh heartily as you spill beer down your front, and, unlike last years Valentine’s day, you may get some. Just keep that Chinese character tattoo on your arm covered – what you think says “Power, Strength” actually says “Cosmic, Pig”

DJ Pauly D, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi were each sent tumbling through trap doors located beneath them, Dr. Evil style, after failing to answer simple New Jersey-themed questions.

DJ Pauly D breezed through the first two questions, which included – *cough* – “Which New Jersey city is Newark Airport in?” However, the music stopped for the DJ when he was unable to name the slogan for Olive Garden. After shuffling around for a few seconds, he ventured a guess: “We don’t pump our gas, we pump our fists!” Off he went through the trap door. (For future reference, it’s “When you’re here, you’re family!”)

The Situation was given a free pass by Ellen when he was unable to translate the French word “bon” into English. Sighing in resignation he told her, “Might as well just drop me.” Ellen allowed him to stay above ground, and he was able to name the four seasons after an infinitely long pause. The Situation was finally sent flying for not being able to identify the host of CNN’s Situation Room. After asking Ellen for a hint, she pressed the eject button, and he was sent into the abyss.

Perhaps this game show needs a “lifeline” option, like in previous seasons of Who Wants to be a Millionaire, although I doubt the rest of the cast would be at all helpful. While residing at the Jersey Shore house poor Snooki couldn’t even pick up the receiver of the duck phone properly, much less answer a question posed through it.

Speaking of Snooki, she took the cake – or connoli – in Ellen’s game show. First she answered that New Jersey fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War, and Ellen, bless her patient heart, gave her a second chance. But then Ellen asked her to name the original 13 colonies. Snooki started, “New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island…” So far so good. “Canada,” she continued. And down she went!

Those who hoped that the cast of Jersey Shore would be tossed from their television screens will finally get their wish when Ellen airs tomorrow, February 8. Check your local listings for the air time.

[Cross posted on The Huffington Post]

Lesbian parties come and go, and they rarely have the longevity and clout of Club Skirts The Dinah. Not only has The Dinah been around for 20 years (which, in lesbian party years is like a century), it continues to have its finger on the pulse of pop culture and has in recent years helped launch the careers of mainstream artists like Lady Gaga and The Pussycat Dolls.

Founded by Mariah Hanson and held in Palm Springs, California every spring, The Dinah is celebrating its 20th Anniversary this year and has already lined up current #1 Billboard artist Ke$ha, Grammy-award winning artists Salt n Pepa and standup queen (and media mogul) Rosie O’Donnell. In recent years, 10,000 women have their way from all corners of the earth to attend the de facto lesbian spring break. We were able to catch Mariah Hanson for a few minutes to answer some questions about The Dinah.

Grace: Describe the first ever Club Skirts Dinah event. Did you ever think that it would be the behemoth that is has become?

Mariah: Oh dear, the first event almost gave me a heart attack. I booked an entire hotel and handled the reservations. At the time, being a neophyte, I didn’t realize you could make the hotel do that. It sold out about a week before the event, and I wanted to crawl into a ball under my coffee table. The event at The Palm Springs Museum was crazy packed and the museum staff was horrified. Drunk lesbians were stealing artwork and putting out cigarettes in sand sculptures. [Laughs] They didn’t ask me back. But from the customer’s point of view it was a huge hit, so it all worked out and I learned A LOT.

Grace: Gay guys have every color of party there is – The White Party, The Black Party, Black and Blue weekend, etc. Lesbian parties and lesbian clubs come and go, and for better or for worse – probably worse – the lesbian community has been stuck with a reputation of not spending money supporting lesbian entertainment and events, yet being overly critical of what is available. Often times, this leads to people being skeptical of investing in the lesbian community. One notable exception is The Dinah – how have you managed to overcome this and become so successful?

Mariah: I believe you have to give the greatest value as well as truly care about the segment you are servicing to gain the trust of the lesbian community. They can smell a rat a mile away and if you are just in this for the money, they’ll smoke you out. If you looks at the successful promoters in any city, the ones with the longest history are also the ones who are involved in their community, who don’t have attitudes, who care about what they are doing and realize they are an integral part of the community’s fabric. That said, I throw one kick ass party. People try and imitate what I do at The Dinah, but throwing an amazing Shore Weekend — that’s 20% skill, 20% heart, and 60% instinct.

Grace: In recent years, over 10,000 women each year have made the pilgrimage to The Dinah. Name one country in each continent from which women have traveled (excluding Antarctica of course)!

Mariah: Thailand, Australia, England, France, Germany, Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Ireland, Italy, Japan, South Africa, Irag, Iran… I’m sure there are more.

Grace: Will the cast of The Real L Word: Los Angeles be at The Dinah? All right, that’s a dumb question. Of course they will be. Come on – tell us where to look out for them so we can get our fifteen seconds of fame on Showtime this summer.

Mariah: They are in talks with me, yes. Some of the cast was at my West Hollywood weekly night club, JetSetter and it was pretty wild to watch. It’s going to be drama…

Grace: I think it’s awesome that The Dinah has become a high profile event that features A-list entertainers. I’m a lot younger than you, but for much of my teen and early adult years, there was still this sense of lesbians being anti-establishment, radical outsiders who eschew you know… mainstream stuff, an attitude I really never understood, because it’s pretty limiting. For me, hearing about The Dinah was a breath of fresh air. Do you think the silent majority of lesbians feel the same way?

Mariah: I think the anti-establishment sensibility is either a very young or very old mentality. With the young, I don’t see it as often. I think the younger generation is uber hip. But I imagine those that experience those sentiments, it will most likely fade with time. We are all connected. Tolerance, inclusion and acceptance is a better route to take than judgment and exclusion.

Grace: You’ve been giving us hints about another act in the lineup. What is this “throwback 80s band with the lead singer with the same name as a prominent president’s wife” all about? There was someone in Bananarama with the name “Jacquie O.” but I don’t think she was the lead singer. Any more hints?

Mariah: We’ve booked Martha Davis and The Motels of “Suddenly Last Summer” and “Only the lonely” fame. We’re throwing insane pool parties this year with some great entertainment.

This year’s Dinah will take place March 31st to April 4th, 2010. Start doing ab crunches for those pool parties (and start apologizing to your liver). Tickets are on sale here. GO GO GO!

With a 10% unemployment rate and a 17% underemployment rate, our nation’s laborers are generally thankful to be working, even if it means working more hours for the same – or even less – pay. The most recent casualties of the downturn in the economy are the loyal laborers of the #TilaArmy, the essential but often forgotten foot soldiers of Tila Tequila’s Twitter empire – the trusty keys of her keyboard.

A few hours ago, professional internet celebrity Tila Tequila announced that she was shutting down her Twitter account, effectively giving the keys of her laptop keyboard the pink slip. She did announce, however, that she will be devoting more time to her blog and that she will be launching a gossip site called TilaTequilaOMG.com, which means the laborers in the Tila Factory will most likely not be thrown out on the street.

Grace The Spot was able to talk to a few of her employees and contractors, and they gave us varying opinions about the recent changes to the Tila empire.

CAPS LOCK key: I’ve been fortunate to have been paid a salary for my work on Tila’s Twitter venture. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a very prominent member of her enterprise. She is very flamboyant and caustic, which I dig; it’s like we were separated at birth. Although Tila has informed me that I will still have a place in her enterprise, it concerns me that I will be paid much less per hour for my work, as my salary will stay the same. During the Twitter days, I was limited to working only a 140 characters at a time, but now she can write long unlimited screeds on her blog and her proposed gossip site using my labor, and I know I am her favorite character, so I will be worked to the bone. It is a double edged sword to be indispensable, folks! I’ve already given up long term relationships due to my career, and now I am afraid that I will only know companionship via anonymous hookups via Craigslist. Sometimes, I wish e.e. cummings lived in our time. I would be unemployed but free. These golden handcuffs, are they really worth it?

CAPS LOCK at his new gig

Backspace key: [swigging a sip of Night Train from the bottle] It’s been hard y’know. Tila’s not one to edit. CAPS LOCK doesn’t know how lucky he is. He’s on a W2 and gets health insurance. I get paid by the keystroke, which means I only get a bite to eat when Tila accidentally presses me. I only hope that Nicky and Bijou were serious about keeping Casey’s puppies away from me, because as I am an independent contractor, I don’t have health insurance through Tila’s business. One of them – a puppy, not Nicky or Bijou – drooled on me a couple of months ago, and I believed that I was going into cardiac arrest. Fortunately, my vital organs weren’t harmed, but now I suffer from tremors and panic attacks because of that traumatic experience. I hope Tila learns basic grammar, because maybe she will realize my worth and I will be able to make enough to afford Paxil. But until then, I have bum wine.

Exclamation point: Hey, I get paid by the keystroke, and this news? It’s awesome. Tila loved to press me several times a tweet, but tweets are only 140 characters, so I was never able to reach my full potential. Now she can keep pressing me to her heart’s desire, so CHA-CHING! As the wise prophet Sir Mix-A-Lot said, “Use me, use me, ‘cause you ain’t that average groupie!” Look out Boca – here I come!

Continuing to profit from the Tila Empire: Exclamation Point

So there you have it – voices from the Tila Army. It looks like the recession has affected them just as it has affected us. We tried to reach every key in Tila’s keyboard, but we weren’t able to due to our own budget constraints. If you are a member of the Tila army and we overlooked your story, we are interested in hearing them. Leave them in the comments below.

I know I am not alone in this, many lesbians love tattoos. However, I suppose my tattoos aren’t those that you’d stereotypically associate with the dykeadelic crowd. I proudly wear a cupcake, wrapped candies and an ice-cream cone on my sleeve (literally) and I simply adore them but I am really torn on the Pride tattoo issue. I spent some time today talking about this with a lady lovin’ friend of mine but I want to know what you guys think!

Personally, I wouldn’t get one. I hold a bachelor degree that allows me to work in a fairly traditional workplace environment so any hugely obvious tattoo wouldn’t really fly but I also have no desire to put such a tattoo in a more discreet location. Surely hiding a rainbow symbol below your pants line is fairly redundant when you have a lovely lady wriggling you out of said pants? A little bit of ink highlighting your preference for the ladies would kind of go without saying at that point, wouldn’t you say? Lady Lovin’ Friend is in a similar boat, while she has a few tattoos already she also works in a similar field and feels the same way about having an obvious sign of our sexual preference marked on her skin. It’s not even just  sexual preference I’d be wary to have tattooed on me, I’m also a vegetarian and have been for quite a few years now but I wouldn’t get that tattooed on me either.  For me, my Chinese horoscope and star sign also fall into this same category. Where do you even stop? If you fill up your back with a Pride symbol, a “vegan4life” tattoo and add in your star sign and a dog for your Chinese horoscope birth year and you’ve kind of knocked out the first ten minutes of the getting to know you types of conversation.

The other part of the issue is the tattoos themselves. I’ve only ever seen Pride tattoos that could be considered a bit shit – at best. I know a big part of it comes from the fact there are very few Pride specific tattoo ideas floating around but I really do wonder how many people know that you can take an idea to a tattoo artist and they do a pretty cool job of bringing the idea to life. All the Pride tattoos I’ve ever come across look like they were etched in Dodgy Bob’s Backyard Tattoo Shoppe. Bad shading, dodgy outlining and designs that have fallen just that little bit short of attractive seem to be almost synonymous with the Pride tattoo works. I’d really love to see some tattoo artists come up with a few really awesome pieces of flash for these sorts of tattoos or even just be directed to some pictures of fantastic Pride tattoos, if cool Pride tattoos do exist I am happy to stand corrected on the issue!

What say you, lovely ladies? Have you got a Pride tattoo? Seen a really cool one around the place? What about another tattoo signifying your dietary preferences? Or your star sign? Tell me stories! If you’re really lucky, I’ll post a few pictures of my arm once it’s finished next month so you can bask in the cuteness!!

Which five Twitterers would you like to have a meal with?

It can be anyone in the twitterverse. I find twitter a unique universe where we make connections we couldn’t in quite the same way in any other media. I mean really, in a bar you risk the drunk leaning over and breathing some nasty dragon breath in your face starting a conversation you have no desire to participate in. In a gym the competition that can break out with the person on the treadmill next you can put you in the ER with chest pains (ok it was cardiac rehab and it was with a senior citizen and I went to the ER). So I like the sweat free, not alcohol-free twitter world (thank you @dorothysnarker for bringing us #SUYC), that allows us to interact in short soundbites of our lives.

I realize five is far too few for a good dinner party, so what 10 twitters would you like to see around your dinner table? Here are the ten I would like to break bread with, in no particular order.

• @DocCaragher for reasons only we know
• @OliviaWilde Who wouldn’t want a hot princess for dinner
• @ActuallyNPH There is a magic trick I want him to teach me and he is, wait for it, Legendary!
• @Tweetsbian She is the one who I want to do said magic trick for, again for reasons only we and a few others know,@faith_venice. Otherwise known as the Italian I am hoping she will help cook and she comes as a package deal with @Tweetsbian
• @anamariecox She brings the best kind of porn to Twitter
• @Janemarielynch What would be dinner without the likeihood of a spit-take,
• @AndersonCooper & @KathyGriffin They make New Year’s Eve worth watching, imagine what fun they would be at a dinner party. @AndersonCooper, please bring crack pie for dessert
• @MrsKutcher you know she would tweet the whole affair to @aplusk and that would be interesting in an of itself
• @maddow and @dorothySnarker I pair these two as @maddow could make the cocktails and @dorothysnarker could be responsible for #SUYC because I know we will not be able to keep up
• @Pink I love her music and maybe she would play an unplugged set if we asked really nice.

I realized while compiling this list I could have added so many more twitterers and I did cheat a little. I guess I will have to have more than one dinner party and I will have to do this again in a few months.

So, who on Twitter would you want for dinner?

This is an exciting time of year for football fans. The college football season just ended and now the NFL season is drawing to a close. I must confess that I don’t watch college football even though it is supposedly “football the way it was meant to be” or so every college football fanatic tells me. Maybe if I hadn’t gone to a college for nerds with limited coordination, I would understand the college football mania a bit better. Or maybe, I just can’t keep track of all of those bowl games. I know there is a Rose Bowl but then I read that there is a Sugar Bowl and that is just plain hilarious. Sugar Bowl! Where is the Spiked Punch Bowl? Sign me up for that one! Of course, that would probably be more of a rugby championship than football since ruggers love to drink.

I think I’m the only person on Twitter that doesn’t follow college football because my Twitter stream was filled with “GOVOLS!” and “ROLLTIDE!” I figured the first was a typo and the second involved the ocean but when numerous people responded with “HELL YEAH!” followed by scores, I caught on because typos and the whims of the ocean don’t usually involve scores.

Now, the NFL playoffs are over and it’s time for the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is a very special event because it manages to combine Jesus, Bud Light and nachos. Millions of people across the country will spend the entire day bombarded with advertising for poor quality beer and foods that would be voted Most Likely to Clog Your Arteries in the high school of foods. They’ll endure the endless chatter of the announcers who will use every cliché possible to describe the rivalry between the teams, the personal struggles of the players and, eventually, the game itself. Then, when everyone is immobilized by beer and chicken wings, some overpaid professional athlete will thank The Lord for their amazing touchdown/interception/field goal/victory and one of the teams will be crowned “World Champion” even though the whole “world” doesn’t actually participate. It’s crazy. It’s ridiculous. It’s a complete spectacle.

And, yeah, I’ll be watching.

While sitting on the couch the other night she looked at me a said in all seriousness, “Do you realize that we are now that couple that takes in strays?” I became very concerned about her and tried to figure out how to gently and lovingly tell her she has been that person for years. I thought she was talking about animals, but this time she was referring to people.

Somehow over the course of the last several months we have been collecting stray women who are new to the area, recently dumped or for some other reason are single, alone and needing friendly company. They are at our houses for dinner, movies, playing Wii, or just hanging out on the couch. We have become the ones they look to for plans, outings, and just being around people. This is not limited to single lesbians as we have a rather large amount of straight co-workers in our collection.

A benefit to this over collecting stray animals is at the end of the night-the people leave. The realization that we are now the lesbian couple who collects stray people (this sounds WAY creepier when I type it but hopefully you understand what I am trying to convey) started the wheels turning in my head. Are you the couple (or person) who takes in strays? Are you a stray actively looking for a warm place to be with people or did you just stumble into it? Are you aware of which category you belong to?

I was oblivious to this until my girlfriend brought it to my attention which led to me thinking about when I was single and whose couches I wound up on a weekly basis. I never realized that I was the stray always kicking it at a friend’s house, the woman who eventually introduced me to my girlfriend. Ok let’s be real — we were set up without my girlfriend knowing it was a set up, but that is another topic post for another day. This woman is now single and the tables have turned.

When you go from being the stray to caring for the stray that helped you meet your partner there is a obligation resting heavily on your shoulders to find a nice man for her to date. This is one of the times that it would be helpful if I knew more single straight men, but alas all my male friends are married, gay or more often than not both.

Worse than that, what do you do when you aren’t really a fan of the stray your girlfriend brought home? It’s not that I don’t like her as a person; I’m just tired of her I-don’t-know-anyone-in-the-area-because-I’m-new-here-woe-is-me thing. She’s been here six months, needs to go out and get involved in stuff she is interested in because we have introduced her to most of the people we know, and she doesn’t call them to hang out. Not to toot our own horns, but if I was a stray I would want to hang out with us so I don’t fault her for having good taste in people. We also have awesome friends and I’m not sure why she isn’t calling them to hang out. We can’t help her meet a man, that is something neither of us knows anything about. Women? Yes. Men? Not so much.

We’ve done our best to pawn her off (I know this makes me a terrible person. Whatever, you can judge me.) on others but she just keeps gravitating back towards my girlfriend at work for company. My girlfriend isn’t able to shake her because after a few weeks of avoidance the tears come out and my girlfriend feels terrible because unlike me she’s not a cold-hearted person.

In all seriousness if you are realizing after reading this that you are a stray-be fun, be yourself, but be proactive in moving forward. Remember that we are all strays at one point or another in our lives and when you are no longer a stray, you will be expected to do the same for others. Oh one more thing strays, please go home at a reasonable hour. If you repeatedly stay until ridiculously late hours, you will not be welcome anymore. I’m not going to apologize for this-just because you aren’t getting some doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t.

First off, I’m flattered.  Honestly, I am.  It’s not every Friday night that I get hit on.  Let alone be told that I resemble a young Marky Mark.   Jesse MacCartney? Maybe once or twice.  A pre-pubescent boy with pinchable cheeks? More times than I can count.  But an early 90’s one hit wonder pop star better known for his looks than his musical abilities?  Nope, never.

Now, I know looks can be deceiving.  Short hair, tight fitting polos, gender neutral messenger bags. And I’m sure the countless rounds of 2-for-1 beers impaired your abilities to notice my lack of an Adam’s apple or spot my semi-endowed top front quadrant.  But, here’s the thing… I’m a girl.  More importantly, a girl who likes girls.

Sure, being hit on – no matter what the case might be—is always nice. A serendipitous surprise.  And a little boost to the ego every now and then never hurts.  But ideally, I would prefer it coming from a spunky 20something girl who happens to share my unwavering love for converse sneakers.

Don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE my gay boys.  Honestly, I do.  Your innate fashion sense and god given karaoke skills simply can’t be beat. But I just have no interest, though, in dating you.  Trust me.

So, I ask of you, the next time you think about hitting on an androgynous looking person, stop and do a quick BS check.  The tomboys and butches of the world will thank you.  No boobs but stubble? Green light.  Boobs and no stubble?  Red light.  Boobs and stubble? Well, that’s a whole other blog topic.

Thanks,

O’Neill

You have to understand, I’m of the firm opinion that there are four types of friends.

The first are your 9-5 friends. You see them at school, or at work, or in the hallways and corridors or supermarkets, and you do a reverse nod, maybe a hello, and get on with your day. You might spend time with them during the 9-5, but when you get home, you don’t immediately pine away from lack of them. They are pals, chums, friendly acquaintances.

The second are your friends. I’m going to cheat and make this two categories: We can have Friends B and Friends A. Friends B are the kind you might help move a couch. Friends A are the type you’d help move a body.

The third category are basically the lovers; they can be friends-with-benefits, or the friends you end up dating, or the kind of dating where you’re best friends… or in true lesbian fashion, the people you once dated who ended up as friends. These are like Friends A on steroids and occasionally crack.

The fourth, nigh-mythical category of friendship is the Platonic Life Partner. These are the people who finish your sentences. They know your thoughts before you think them, have memorized random minutiae of your daily life—without seeming like absolute creepers, which is always kind of important.

My father, wise man that he is, once described this particular type of friend as a ‘Pee-Pee Buddy’. I asked him, in youthful ignorance, “Daddy, what is a Pee-Pee Buddy?”

He replied, “Dear, a Pee Pee Buddy is the kind of friend a man has, to whom he is very close. He trusts him so much that if the man were ever to break both his hands, the friend would hold his penis so that he could go to pee.”

I remember enough of my high school health classes to know that girls don’t quite have the same equipment that necessitates a Pee Pee Buddy, but the sentiment remains. Platonic Life Partners are the people that you could trust with a penis, should you ever come into possession of one.

So as I was saying, I spent some time with my Platonic Life Partner last night. It was a healthy experience; we chatted and laughed and caught up. The sexy times were kept to a minimum. We went to watch a movie (I won’t say the name so as to avoid pimpin’ any particular flick—but it had very tall blue people in it!), and it was all in all a good time. But it did get me thinking that maybe the fundies were on to something.

And this is the crux of my confession to you now, dear reader:

I have a few platonic life partners. I have M., who is totally awesome and full of spectacular snark. I have J., who is like the scariest straight chick I have ever met, and who would totally fall on a grenade for me (oh, Jersey Shore reference. Urbandictionary it, guys, and be horrified). Lastly, there’s A., who is a charming wee art student/space cadet. In her defence, all that turpentine… it does things to people.

These chicks are like my entourage but not. An entourage suggests that maybe they eventually pick up their stuff and head home—but these ladies can finish my sentences, and yeah, if I had a peener, I’d totally let them hold it for me.

So you see, herein lies the problem. The fundies were right! All that gay marriage stuff? Totally, absolutely leads to bigamy.