Thanks to the proliferation of iPhones, Androids and Blackberrys, lesbians everywhere can trap an entourage member into yet another therapy session via text message at any time of the day, stalk their dates or pepper their friends’ walls with inane comments on Facebook, or gossip about the lives of their friends and people who they don’t actually know.

But what really makes a lesbian more excited than a paparazzo in a room full of Kardashians is when she receives a mass email addressed to her extended jackal pack announcing a night on the town or a house party. This is not because she will get to drink cocktails with her friends and thirty other people she barely knows but pretends to be best friends with; it means that she will be able to solidify her position in the entourage by announcing her presence and expressing her thoughts to a built-in audience by pressing “reply all.”

Giving a chance to “reply all” to a lesbian is like giving a chance to a no name rapper to freestyle in front of P Diddy. The only difference is that, while the lucky lesbian is just as excited to spit mad lyrics, she will not actually have a chance to gain fame or fortune. The best she can hope for is approval for an especially notable reply, which will most likely be forgotten in ten seconds. But don’t tell this to a lesbian who has just received a party invite – she’s going to be a star baby.

Since everyone has a smart phone these days, this means that anyone can reply all, anywhere, anytime. Uh oh – here comes a birthday party invite! Look out, everyone! Your phone is about to vibrate faster than your pocket rocket.

Usually the original email is sent to gauge everyone’s availability on a particular day or to request RSVPs to an event, but don’t expect a lesbian to make an actual decision, like committing to show up at the event. That’s just too much to ask. Receiving such an email is actually an open invitation to do any or all of the following:

• write cryptic responses in an attempt to be witty
• write one word replies in all caps followed by multiple exclamation points approving of someone’s witty reply, e.g. “YESSSS!” and “LMAO!!!!!”
• make fun of someone else’s failed attempt to be witty
• correct someone’s grammar
• proclaim a bromance by trading inside jokes with your new BFF in front of 40 other people who couldn’t give a shit
• flirt so shamelessly with your girlfriend that everyone believes they are about to witness a live sex show
• send a Youtube link to a video that you have just discovered but everyone else has already seen
• send photos of LOL cats that have already appeared in the LOL cat book and everyone’s Facebook walls two years ago
• announce you cannot make the party – ostensibly to convey your sadness that you will miss the event – but really you just want to let everyone know that you are doing something cooler, e.g. “Sorry, I have box seats for Nicki Minaj!” “I would love to be there, but I’ll be snorkeling in the Turks and Caicos with my boo!”
• tell the host (and 40 other guests) that she should change the date of the birthday party because you are busy doing something cooler that day, such as seeing Nicki Minaj or snorkeling in the Caribbean, so won’t she be so kind to accommodate you by making everyone else attend another day, because obviously the event was created in your honor and not because the host’s mother happened to pop her out of her vagina 25 years earlier to the day
• send photos of your pet doing something exciting, such as sleeping
• derail the conversation by any other means possible

An email chain that originated from an event invite can go on for days without anyone actually RSVPing. If you do decide to rebel against lesbian social norms and make a decision to RSVP, do not, by any means, respond to the host privately, and do not respond to the list until everyone has had the chance to clog everyone’s inbox with pointless chatter.

Once you do decide to bite the bullet and RSVP, you must respond to the entire list with an especially amusing reply, so others can jump in and try to write an even wittier RSVP. The point is not to give the host a headcount so she can buy the proper amount of booze and food; the point is to dazzle the entire list with your Pulitzer-worthy prose. Once a critical mass of lesbians starts to RSVP, it is fine to respond with a simple “yes” or “no,” because obviously enough people are going to the event to deem it cool, and you no longer need to impress anyone.

Hosts should keep in mind that RSVPs via email are about as set in stone as messages written in 99 store chalk on a sidewalk in a rainstorm. Suddenly, four more box seats to Nicki will miraculously become available, special deals to the Caribbean will appear on Travelocity, or half the guest list will just get too drunk pregaming to go to your apartment in Brooklyn. You will never know who will actually show up until the event, because once a lesbian decides not to attend your event, she will magically forget about the email list and fail to inform you that she is not coming.

Even if the interminable jabbering is driving you batty, do not demand to be taken off the list or order everyone to cease and desist. That is like crying uncle thirty seconds into a wrestling match. You are stronger than that. You are a warrior. Warriors do not succumb to email chain rage, like civilians. The original email is a military roll call, and the soldiers are simply stating their presence. You are a fighter. Yes, you are.

If you are on one of these massive email chains and the amount of replies is draining your smartphone’s battery life and making you wish the internet was never created, keep in mind that, not only are you a soldier, being privy to the vacuous thoughts of forty of your Facebook friends is an honor. Whereas you must make an effort to log into Facebook to see the same people’s idiotic banter, being part of an email list means that someone out there thinks you should be exposed to the vapid chatter of a select group of people whether you like it or not. You don’t have to make an effort to be subjected to absurdity, because you are extraordinary. Wear it like a badge of honor. You are special ops – a decorated war veteran, my dear.

Everyone is a snowflake, and being added to an email list of forty lesbians means you are one exceptional snowflake. Now won’t you let everyone know how special you are by replying to the entire list? Take a photo of your cat and send it to everyone, announcing that she would love to make the party, but she is too busy making sculptures out of a ball of yarn, and don’t forget to give a shout out to your bestie of two weeks: “Bros 4 lyfe! xoxo muah muah muah!!!!” It is the right thing to do.

Also, check out my new website: www.stopgracechu.com. As you can probably tell, I’ve been super busy photographing events for a bunch of event promoters and covering the NYC scene and writing recaps for AfterEllen. Stopgracechu.com is an attempt to organize everything into one spot.

Please continue to follow GraceTheSpot.com, as we will be inspired to write posts from time to time.

Queer Beer, a beer for gays and lesbians, Mexico City, Feb 3 (IANS/EFE)

A Mexican company has launched a new beer aimed at the gay and lesbian community that will also be exported to other countries, company officials said.

The “honey-flavored” beer will initially be sold in Mexico and later exported to Colombia and Japan.

“We’ve entered the market with great respect, with the idea of offering a product aimed at the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) community, which has been neglected but is very important and very demanding,” said Dario Rodriguez Wyler, marketing chief of Bodega 12 beer.

The beer is being sold at gay bars and restaurants in Guadalajara, one of Mexico’s most traditional cities, as well as in Mexico City and beach resorts such as Puerto Vallarta and Los Cabos.

In the coming months, the company will export over 1,000 cases of the beer to Colombia and Japan, Wyler said.

The beverage comes in two different types of packaging, Salamandra and Purple Hand, which recalls a famous gay-rights protest in San Francisco in 1969.

The label is designed in a way that enables consumers to remove it from the bottle and display it as a sign of gay pride, Wyler said.

The company is also planning to launch a strawberry-flavoured beer. Guadalajara and its surrounding area are home to several micro-brewers who sell beers with attention-grabbing names like “10 Marado”, named after Argentinian soccer legend Diego Maradona.

This causes me to pause. Are lesbians “honey-flavored”? Did the Deccan Herald look up quotes from Go Fish and decide to use “honey pot” as a label for our people?

This is obviously a beer that is not designed for dykes. I surely would not drink anything that didn’t kick my non-existent balls into next week. Beers like this are only for events like ballgames and corporate sponsored events. Would I try a Mexican beer with a naked lesbian on the bottle? Did I just assume there would be a naked lesbian on the bottle? I digress.

Also, why Japan and Colombia? This is starting to really weird me out. Is there a giant mecca of lesbians in Colombia and Japan. Hmmmmm…..I wouldn’t imagine myself, in Colombia, pulling out a bottle with a gay pride flag, a naked lesbian on the bottle (pure speculation), and saying “VIVA LA GAY!” That might happen in my living room, but Colombia? Japan? I think not.

…and we all know who the strawberry-flavoured beer is marketed toward….Fllllaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmiiiiiing.

During the premiere I did get a little bit bored and began imagining a world where The Voice was The Girlfriend and it went something like this. Hey, Blind auditions with 4 lesbians with their backs to one lesbian who just talks maybe it is there would be a sultry Angie Harmon voice that would make all four blind lesbians push their buttons(take this wherever your mind does) spin around and have their chairs light up screaming I WANT YOU. Or perhaps it would be the intellectual comedy stylings of Tiny Fey that only @DorothySnarker would buzz in for, out of respect the other three lesbians would concede it is her fake tv wife after all. Imagine the negotiating that would go one when more than one of the four spun around to pick a blind lesbian to be on her team.

Then the drama phase where the “coaches”(so yes there would be a place for the come on over to our team and give this “lifestyle” a try ya know since it is a choice) would have to immediately cut 4 of their 8 team members. The analyzing and processing it would be @Tweetsbian’s wet dream.

I’m not sure how the next part of The Voice or The Girlfriend would go, it seems to have great potential. I for one like the idea of a lot of lesbians in one place without the heat of Palm Springs in April.

So anyone wanna head to the networks and pitch this with me?

Seeking Simone is a web series that follows Simone Selkin’s bumbling attempts to date her way through Toronto. The first episode of the second season recently premiered on AfterEllen.

Judging from the sheer insanity in her encounters with Toronto’s finest ladies, I’m concerned about New York City’s proximity to Toronto. I wonder if winds from the northwest could blow the cuckoo into the Big Apple like winds blew volcanic ash from Iceland all over Europe last year.

I interview the creators of the series Rose Rowe and Renee Olbert, who playes Simone, and address this concern, among other things.

Grace: The first episode of the second season was creepticious. Has anyone on the Seeking Simone team had incidents with stalkers?

Rose: “Creepticious” is such an excellent word! You know, I experienced a period of creepticious stalk-ation in my twenties. Her name was Amanda – but we’ll call her “H” to protect her identity. We’d met a couple of times – she was a fan and boldly wooed me, I was flattered but politely declined – this was the extent of our consensual interaction.

I remember the most unsettling thing about it – aside from the years of intense letters delivered to me by unsuspecting mutual friends in the Fringe tent and the prolonged verbal abuse over the phone – was that “H” clearly felt that we were locked in this deep and intense Sturm und Drang relationship that I had NO KNOWLEDGE OF.

She would write these really passionate epistles and I would think “This is just the kind of letter I would love to receive from someone who actually knows me. But….YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ME! And that just makes this weird, lady!”

She popped up several times over the next decade – in person at shows, via email, in weird, overly familiar comments on my blog. But it all finally ended three years ago, when she left her swan song on a post about my shar pei:

“look for what ever it is. I think it needs to be said. I wasn’t that into you to be over you. You played a bunch of head games and you never spoke to me directly, just some sneaky underhanded jabs at my character. You are with the one you love and I am so glad for that. You will never hear from me again. Have a great life.”

As an interesting sidenote, our guest star for the first episode, Evalyn Parry, also had a stalker in her twenties. So she was really acting her truth when she played Bettina. She wrote a song about her experience called “Please Stop Following Me.” You can get it on iTunes!

Longest. Answer. Ever.

Grace: Since the first episode was full of the cray… I’m gonna have to ask, on a scale of one to ten, with *ten* being the spawn of the love child of Sybil and Angelina Jolie’s character in Girl, Interrupted crossed with the love child of Jenny Schecter and a feral cat and *one* being the (nonexistent) reasonable prudent lesbian, in general – are the women in Toronto closer to a one or a ten?

Renee: Sorry, I’m still carrying the 2… AND…. drum-roll please… the answers is… sorry, what was the question? Ah, yes- the crazy.

I’d have to say, bias aside, that women in Toronto are pretty cool. So, I’m gonna give all the single ladies in Toronto a solid 5 on the scale of crazy. * In my mathematical analysis of the situation I implemented the bell curve so, those uber cray-zi-zay girls are bringing our average down people! Ladies of Toronto, I call upon you to stop the crazy!

Grace: Will the situation with the casting director bite Simone in the ass at some point?

Rose: Well, I think it already has. Simone read for the lead in the Albatross Appeal – she ended up getting a role as a hooker. I guess that’s what you get when you’re great in the sack and shifty at the audition. Let that be a lesson, young lesbonic actors!

Grace: What about the situation with the creepticious stalkerish writer?

Rose: Fortunately for Simone, Betti was not an actual writer on CSIS: ForensicSWAT; so I think her biggest problem will be if Bettina’s thinly veiled fan fiction ever gets picked up for a series and then Simone auditions for it and then Carmella turns out to be the casting director.

Grace: Will they have a threesome?

Rose: Yes, I think that is inevitable.

Grace: Will Simone actually have a good date in season 2?

Renee: Define what you mean by a “good date”!?! Yes, I would say that despite all her bumbling imperfections and poor choices, Simone has a good heart and she is absolutely due for her dating luck to change… Also, without a good date, how are the viewers gonna get what they want: which is more sex-ay time. *Gasp!* I’ve said too much.

Grace: Are the situations in Seeking Simone actually taken from the real life experiences of Renee Olbert? If so, have you gone to therapy? And if so, has it worked?

Renee: What ARE you? Some sort of voodoo shaman? It’s like you’ve seen into the dark recesses of my soul. But to answer your questions: Yes, yes and my therapist says that making this show has been very cathartic.

Grace: Is there any hope for the all the single ladies?

Renee: Of course! But as seen from Rose’s answer in question 1, I would never underestimate the importance of restraining orders and pepper spray. A gal can never be too careful.

Seeking Simone will be running on AfterEllen.com.

First, footage from AfterEllen.com’s dance competition featuring Bridget McManus and Fortune Feimster, shot and edited by Jodi Savitz. This video was too hot for AfterEllen.com itself, which means NSFW, but we know all that means is that you’ll be clicking the play button as quickly as your index finger can react. Go! Go! Go!

Here is footage from AfterEllen.com’s pool party, also by Jodi Savitz.

And hey, it’s Sarah Croce on the red carpet interviewing anyone who wandered her way, such as, oh, Grammy-nominated pop artist Natasha Bedingfield. No biggie.

See you next year!

The last photo is of a nice woman from Tokyo who decided to scale a support beam in the middle of her routine, which caused security to congregate beneath her, demanding that she cease and desist her acrobatics. She still won. Only at The Dinah, my friends. Only at The Dinah.

Don’t Mess With Momma Paula

After fourteen hours of being airborne and being not so airborne in the longest layover ever at LAX, I finally touched down in Palm Springs at 7:30 PT last night and raced over to the comedy show at the Riviera, which was already in progress. 90 degrees, clear skies, palms trees lining the streets. I heard there is a nor’easter battering New York City, with the possibility of wet snow. April Fools indeed. Glad I got outta dodge.

Somehow, during a mojito break, I ended up giving a back massage to Morgan, The Dinah’s videographer, so neither one of us was taking footage during that time. There was a Whitney Mixter from The Real L Word sighting. Surprisingly, there were no women in the vicinity in tears.

The night ended with the AfterEllen.com crew meandering around downtown Palm Springs in search of food. We ended up at an Irish pub, where I had eggs. Exciting, I know. That time last year I was two feet away from a woman on a pole. I know you don’t want to hear about my meals, so expect photos and videos of women in bikinis from here on out.

Therefore, after your friends have learned each other’s names, you must immediately follow up with, “Shorty is sleeping with Babydyke,” and point to Babydyke, who is sipping a Bud Light in the corner. Despite what you learned in kindergarten, it is perfectly acceptable to point and stare in this situation. Then, to ensure that Jersey isn’t left out, without skipping a beat you must say, “Jersey was hooking up with my roommate last month.”

See? Wasn’t that easy? Now the ice has been broken by letting everyone know whose faces have been in whose crotches, now you can move onto other topics of conversation, like hobbies or interests.

If you are introduced to a new person and you are already aware of whom she has been hooking up with, do not waste any time holding back that you already know this information. Remember, the last known person she was dating is the most basic, most cardinal aspect of her identity, so you must seize this opportunity to let your new friend know that you understand who she really is. Blurt out, as loudly as you possibly can, “Hey! You’re the chick who was hooking up with that chick Brooklyn! I saw you guys making out at Cubby Hole two weeks ago!” You will prove yourself to be a highly advanced lesbian, she will be impressed, and you will be BFFs forever.

If you are new to the lesbian scene, such bold proclamations of your personal life may seem strange, even off-putting, but rest assured that such outbursts are akin to the torch lighting at the Olympic Games. It is a ritual, an institution rooted in decades of lesbian history, that must be completed in order to proceed to other matters.

Smile back and say, “Why yes! You have correctly identified me as the person making out with Brooklyn two weeks ago at Cubby! Thank you for being so kind to notice. I owe you a round of beer, dear chap.”

Never, in any circumstances, say anything remotely resembling the following: “How did you know that, and why did you bring that up? It’s none of your business. Thanks to that shitshow I am now in therapy. Come closer so I can pistol whip you with my Android. Wait, what’s your name again?”

Remember, the sooner everyone knows the last person you’ve played tonsil hockey with, the more you are truly understood. The world is a cold and unforgiving place, and everyone wants to be understood. Help your new friend understand you. You will be better off in the long run.

In the lesbian world, though, you have to be more discreet. The community is the size of a puddle, everyone talks, and women are intuitive and observant. One too many foul ups, and you could end up being “that girl.” You do not want to be that girl. Stealth dating is a skill that one must learn to survive the wilds of the lesbians dating jungle.

Do not take the people you are dating on dates to lesbian places

Unlike straight venues, there are a limited amount of lesbian bars or parties on any given night. Consistently taking your dates to lesbian places is like playing Russian roulette. As you continue taking the women you are casually dating to the paltry number of lesbian venues in your town, the probability that another person you are dating will end up in the same venue approaches one.

When that fateful day occurs, and it will, there will be what The Real L Word’s Whitney calls a “situation.” Placing two women you are dating at the same time in a room is like putting two Siamese fighting fish in a jar; things will not go well. Depending on how much alcohol has been consumed, “situations” can range from uncomfortable tension punctuated with dirty looks to drink throwing, crying, and hair pulling. You want to avoid situations. Situations severely diminish the chances that you will get laid. Like Siamese fighting fish, women are beautiful creatures, but please – make sure they are always in separate jars. Take your dates to straight bars after dinner instead.

Lay off the Facebooking

If you are dating multiple people, do not “friend” the people you are dating on Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare or any other form of social media. If lesbians could choose three things to do at the exclusion of everything else, they are (1) going to the Converse store, (2) playing beer pong and (3) Facebook stalking. Facebook’s news feed algorithm is intended to be as childish as possible; the only people who consistently appear on your top friends list and your news feed are exes, people you secretly can’t stand, and people you are dating. I suspect this algorithm was written by a disgruntled lesbian.

If you add people you are casually dating to your friends list, all of your status messages and wall posts will scroll across the screen of everyone you are dating when they log on as well. This can lead to what I call “Drama 2.0.” While the chance of bodily harm is nil, you may receive infuriated phone calls or texts from members of your harem. You will also not get laid that day. Plus, all of your 300+ friends will also know what’s going on. Don’t think your friends are watching all of this from the sidelines? Believe me. They are. They have nothing better to do. And they are laughing at you, not with you.

If you are already friends with whomever you are dating, only post about neutral things like pandas, bicycles and knitting. Take the flirting to a non-public medium like IM, and set your privacy settings to limit what certain people can see on your wall. Also, disable the “Friends can check me in to Places” feature just in case one of the people you’re dating thinks it’s cute to check you in on a date.

Facebook stalk in stealth mode

Even if you are not Facebook friends with people you are dating, you can see the RSVP list for various events that are going on. To minimize the chances of a “situation” at an event, double check the RSVP list for possible land mines before you invite someone to that event.

Some basic Facebook due diligence can prevent a blatant faux pas like dating two people from the same social circle at the same time.

Hos in every area code

Again, let’s take a cue from Whitney of The Real L Word. In Episode 1, she drops Sara off at LAX, and, unbeknownst to Sara, drives to another gate and picks up another girl. Dating women in different cities is one way to minimize the chances of getting into a situation. Unless it’s filmed for a reality show – or they’re all friends with you on Facebook, in which case it doesn’t matter if one is in Jupiter, Florida and the other lives on Jupiter the planet; you will be caught, and hilarity will not ensue. Facebook has singlehandedly eliminated the job market for private detectives. Again, lay off the Facebooking, or you’re just asking for a situation.

Do not date people who go out all the time

Eventually, you will want to go to a lesbian event, because being around straight people all the time can be a drag. Also, some lesbian events are actually pretty fun, and you don’t want to miss out on them, simply because you are playing the field. You can minimize the chances of a “situation” by dating people who don’t go out that often – or at all. Here is a guide on who to date and who not to date.

Heteroflexible straight girl
Upsides: There will be absolutely no chance of a “situation”
Downsides: If you fall for her, you’re screwed.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 0

Girl who never or rarely goes out in the scene
Upsides: Situation chances minimal. Also, because she doesn’t go out in the scene that much, she is probably normal.
Downsides: Very few.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 1

Club promoter / DJ
Upsides: You will know exactly where this person will be on certain days. She will be at her party. She is not going anywhere.
Downsides: She will expect you to be at her party. You’re not going anywhere but her party on that day. Someone else you are dating may show up. This could lead to a situation, and you could possibly be banned from the party in the future.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 8

Member of club promoter’s posse
Upsides: It is fairly certain that she will be at her buddy’s party that day. Simply choose that day to go to another party.
Downsides: She will wonder why you never show up to her buddy’s party and become suspicious.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 6

Floating Scenester
Upsides: She can only be one place at a time.
Downsides: She’s all over the scene, and you never know where she’ll end up, and there are only 3 or 4 places she can be. Eventually, you will run into her.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 9

Nightlife and events writer and/or photographer
Upsides: None whatsoever
Downsides: She is out all the time doing rounds at every party in existence, often two in one night. She will also be at benefits, theater premieres, and readings. You will not be able to avoid her. Also, it is her job to know everyone, and consequently everyone knows her, has her contact info, and can (and will) text her anything fishy in a hot second. Unless your other women are straight married women, you’re basically toast. If you run across a nightlife and events journalist while out, just start running. It doesn’t matter how charming or hot she is. Run.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 12 (and if she also has a blog – 13)

Now that I have ensured that I will never get a date in this town again, follow this foolproof guide to avoid situations while you are fishing around in the pond.