Grace Through the Fog

Random

2016-02-24T00:57:00.000-06:00

I hate being so random.

Three months ago I wrote my last post. Problem was, I couldn't remember how to reach this page to keep going. The only reason I could reach it today is someone from an Oriental country was commenting and so I was able to respond.

I'm not even sure why I have this blog. I don't maintain it regularly and no one (that I know of) reads it. Bottom line is, it's boring. The things I want to remember are written by hand because I like the feel of pen on paper. It's more personal and intimate. We've become robotic enough as it is. Even in schools...they are no longer teaching cursive writing! Can you believe that? If the world continues for a few more generations, no one will be able to read my journals because I write cursive! Weird.

No one would believe how platitudinous my life is.

A New Thing

2015-11-17T14:30:00.001-06:00

I am venturing out. I have decided to test products for reviews. For one thing, I truly enjoy getting things in the mail. Feels like Christmas every time I get a package or an envelope. There's that sense of anticipation as I slip the letter opener or box cutter across the tape, wondering what fun item is behind the flap. Then the joy as I hold the brand new, unopened product in my hand. Shampoo? Body wash? Cleanser? Off to the shower I go as I have to try the product immediately! Something for the kitchen? I must cook something now! You see what I'm getting at, I'm sure.

So, watch for new things in the coming days and weeks to come. I will be honest and forthright in my opinions. If I like something, I will say so. If I don't, you will know it as well.

Fun times!

Redecorating

2015-02-14T15:59:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure how this happened, but one day Joel decided to paint the living room. He even asked me what color I would like the walls to be. Wait...what? Not blue? Am I hearing correctly? He will let me paint a room something other than his precious blue? Am I in the right house? I will have to move quickly. I decided on something called Imperial Sand...a very nice pale peach. The experts are right...the room looks opened up, larger. Joel even did the painting, which was incredible. I just "supervised". Actually, I read a book and made the appropriate noises ("that looks nice, dear"..."you're doing such a nice job, honey")...you know the drill.

Don't get me wrong. I was appreciative. Especially about the color. I just don't like the nitty gritty of getting things done. I like the aftermath. The beautiful results.

Now I have to talk him into new carpet. Covers for the sofa and recliners. Decor for the walls. Do you see what new paint will do?

2014-05-30T19:41:00.000-05:00

Where have I been? Nowhere. Everywhere. I'm not about to go back and fill in the gaps...at least not now, so will just go on from here.

I've been wanting to do some writing, but I've made the "mistake" of going online to learn how to write from online courses. For some reason, this has stalled me and turned off my creative juices. Now I feel like I have to create character sketches and do outlines. Maybe I'm not meant to write a book. Maybe I'm just supposed to write for myself and my sanity. Whatever. Most days I don't think it's working.

Wait...Was that fall???

2013-12-13T01:15:00.001-06:00

I woke up to frost on the windows and a crunch on the ground. What happened to that glorious season between summer and winter? Did I blink? The space between the seasons appears to be getting shorter and shorter all the time.

Maybe it's because I'm cold all the time. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Whatever the reason, I don't think I like this new timeline. It's 39 degrees outside and I don't even have a winter jacket yet!

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!

2013-12-13T01:13:00.002-06:00

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I've been in a deep fog these past few months. Literally walking in a cloud. I sleep more than I'm awake, dream more than I live, and cry more than I laugh. Life has become too exhausting and sad to want to live it.

I'm too tired to even finish this.

The Pen

2013-03-01T12:21:00.001-06:00

I have a chance to get a fountain pen. There's something about writing with a fountain pen that gives value to the words. The main reason for my journals, other than venting, of course, is for my descendents. Can you imagine if our ancestors had done the same, what precious little secrets they could have left behind? I would choose my words carefully with a fountain pen. I think it would bring out the secret scholar that lives inside my brain and allow her to exist for that time I am writing. The one I wanted to be as a child. The one I gave all my words to.

Oh my. I do believe I've had an epiphany. When this happens, when I've realized something (thank you, Lord) about my psyche, about myself, it's a beautiful and hushed moment. The truth truly does set you free! And it all started with a fountain pen!

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Progress

2013-02-17T02:21:00.001-06:00

Weight this morning: 187

Joel and I have started using Whey Protein shakes for meal replacements. I'm not sure what to think, although they are very good when processed in the vita-mix type blender we purchased on Amazon. In fact, they taste like a shake and they do fill me up. I've had a bit of a problem with tummy issues, but I ate some steak for supper and my tummy fills a little better. Maybe I'll do the meal replacements twice a day and have one regular meal. We'll see what happens on the scale tomorrow.

I learned something today. All these years of trying to diet, trying to lose weight and get thin, have been for my own benefit. What's so wrong with that? I've been trying to get the glory for myself. The truth is, I am not my own, but I belong to God. My mindset has to change so that whatever I do, I do for His glory. That puts a whole new perspective on dieting. In fact, it makes it more of a lifestyle and not a diet at all, doesn't it? Of course, my body will still reap the benefits of being fit, looking better, and being healthy, but the focus won't be on myself.

Maybe this is the reason I've failed so many times in the past. Maybe this is the reason I feel hope today. I'm excited because for the first time, I see victory in the future. I can focus on God and not so much on myself and how I look. I can start today.

Dieting is Such Great Fun! - Step 1

2013-02-08T18:35:00.001-06:00

I've lost the first 40+ lbs, so now I'm on to the next 40 lbs. I can't get complacent. I must persevere. Today is day 1 of many, but I can do this. It's just a matter of giving it over to God and following His lead. Allowing myself to feel the uncomfortableness of wanting, desiring, craving...then feeling the victory and satisfaction of not giving in to that desire. It's really wonderful when that happens. I can tell myself, "I've succeeded one more time!"

For those of you who are struggling with this same thing, let me tell you, it's really a battle of the mind you're dealing with here. You're not really "hungry". You're bored. You have a bad habit. You're used to sitting in front of the TV, munching on this and that and you don't like change. Change has to come...no...the desire within you to change has to come...before anything will be any different. Do it one step at a time.

Here's tip #1: Drink a glass of cold water next time you think you're hungry. Chances are your body needs fluids and water is the best thing to drink. You'll fill your little tummy and your body will think it's full! True story...I won't lie!

Let's try this for week 1 and see how it works. I'll do it, too. If you want to dress it up a tad, add apple slices and a stick of cinnamon to the water for a touch a flavoring. Added benefit: the cinnamon boosts your metabolism!

Weight today: 189.5

What's yours? Be honest!

Life is a Journey of Love

2013-02-02T18:13:00.000-06:00

[ David’s Prayer ] Then King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said:“Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? 2 Samuel 2:18

This valley we are in, this testing (if that's what it is), doesn't matter. God has promised to be with me no matter what. He will never leave me nor will He walk away from me. Even now, with no jobs and no insurance, with many health issues facing both Joel and I, He walks with me. He is holding my hand, assuring me that He is providing and taking care of all of our needs. I am sure and steady, knowing that my Father is in charge and He knows how all of this will end. I am not afraid of the future because He is already there.

What a wonderful feeling this is! What a wonderful God I worship and love! The fact that I can even go to the Lord and question these valleys and hard places is an honor and a privilege. My life is settled in His hands and I am not afraid of what I might have to face. No. Because He is with me.

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.

2013-02-02T02:19:00.000-06:00

This verse is from Joel 2:28 and I believe it can be applied to all of us.

The other morning I awoke from a dream that could only have been from God. Let me explain.

I dreamed I was eating with some friends in a small diner. When I went to pay for my meal, I noticed that my purse was missing. I asked the waitress about it and she said a lady had just left with it and gave me her address. My friends and I went to the location the waitress had given us, which was an old house that had been divided into apartments. The building was much like the ones I grew up in. We walked in and located her door, which was up a flight of stairs. The stairs were dark and steep; at the top of the stairs was an antique door with chipped white paint. We didn't knock, but walked right in. She was standing in the middle of her kitchen, appearing shocked that I had found her. I saw my purse on her kitchen table. She had several family members in the kitchen with her, and toddlers and babies were on the floor. I immediately sensed that she had pain in her heart and many needs. I put my arms around her and started to pray, asking God to provide for this woman and her family. Her family and my friends began to encircle us, praying out loud as well. As we were praying, a voice like rushing waters came upon us and I knew it was the Lord. The voice became so loud, I could no longer hear myself speak, so I just listened. All I physically heard was the sound of the rushing waters, but I knew the Lord was saying that as I was praying for this woman's needs to be met, mine and my husband's needs were likewise being met to overflowing.

I actually woke up with the sound of the rushing waters, the Lord's voice, still in my ears, slowly fading.

Words don't do that justice. The Lord has said it all. All I know is that the Lord is good and greatly to be praised and I trust Him. He WILL supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory through Christ Jesus. (See Phil. 4:19)

Sweepstakes

2013-01-25T23:38:00.001-06:00

I just entered another contest. This one, if I win, will get me tons of goodies, plus a two night stay at a Marriott. That would be so sweet. Joel and I didn't even stay in a hotel after we got married. We've never stayed in a hotel. I would swim, relax, eat chocolates, roll around on the bed...it would be great. A night away from the house would be perfect for us.

Letter From My Father

2013-01-24T17:09:00.002-06:00

My dear Daughter,

I know your value; I see your potential. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that I am in control and I have a great plan and purpose for your life. Your dreams may not have turned out exactly as you’d hoped, but My Word says that My ways are better and higher than your ways, and even when everybody else rejects you, remember, I stand before you with My arms open wide. I always accept you. I always confirm your value. I see your good moves! You are My prized possession. No matter what you go through in life, no matter how many disappointments you suffer, your value in My eyes always remain the same. You will always be the apple of My eye. I will never give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.

Your Loving Father,

God

Showing the World Through My Eyes

2013-01-20T02:32:00.000-06:00

Photography. It has become one of my favorite pastimes...to capture a grouping or image that stirs something within me...something that inspires. This has become my art. There is a brilliant world out there and if I am patient enough, I will find it. I have some pictures I'm already proud of and would love to have prints made of them...will have to get moving on that.

This barn is located about two miles from where Joel and I call home. It's an example of the style of picture I love...old, abandoned, broken down. Places like this speak to me. They call out to me...they scream, "Don't forget me!" and I have to stop and remember that they were once vibrant places...useful and meaningful.

New Things

2013-01-19T14:06:00.001-06:00

I have now joined Vocalpoint, a site where I give opinions on products I use (I think). I'm not quite sure how it all works yet, but am excited to try it out. Here's the link:

<img src='http://www.vocalpoint.com/badges/Blogger/033bb86e-

We'll see what happens. Of course, I'll let you know what I find out as it unfolds for me, too. Exciting! I love surprises!

2013, already???

2013-01-13T14:36:00.003-06:00

Well, we managed to survive the "end of the world". Way to go, Mayans! I have to admit, I was a bit intrigued. A little curious. But here we are. I almost wish the world would've ended so we wouldn't have to live through the mess the government is causing us right now. I have a new respect for those who fought in the Revolutionary War and the Civil War...I think it may come to that for us.

Where did those men and women find the courage and the grace to face their adversaries? They grabbed their guns and fought for their freedoms without question. I never really understood that concept until now. I've always taken my freedoms for granted, probably because they were never threatened as they are now. We used to take pride in our America, pride in the flag, pride in the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm not sure if our children even know what those things stand for anymore.

The Terror of the Treadmill

2012-07-06T13:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, I know I'm not going to die. But somehow, when the timer on my phone indicates it's time to walk on the dreaded treadmill, I reluctantly grab my Sketchers and sulk into the kitchen where the beast awaits. Because I'm going from total couch potato to early walker, I'm only doing 1/2 mile twice a day, but you would think I'm running a marathon with all the huffing and puffing I do. Most of it is for show. To let my husband know I'm working really, really hard. So I get my rewards after (kisses..."you did it, honey!"...stuff like that).

It really isn't that bad. I'm giving the old heart a mediocre workout and getting off the couch at least twice a day...more than before, anyway. I listen to some good Christian music as motivation (you'd be surprised at how many songs have lyrics that go along with the theme that Jesus is walking along with me or carrying me when I get too tired to walk), close my eyes, and use that time to pray for those who can't walk or who walk miles just to go to school. Before I know it, I'm done.

As soon as I'm used to this pace and my legs stop shaking when I've finished, I'll up the ante and set the controls to go for 3/4 of a mile and keep upping it until I get to a good running pace. It has taken years to get to the place I'm at and it's going to take years to take it off. I told Joel last night we just have to think of this activity as a lifetime deal and he agreed. Having him doing it with me is so encouraging. Sometimes I think of my friend, Brian, who is now running marathons or my friend, Bruce, who spins...they keep me motivated, too.

And so it continues.

2012-07-03T00:37:00.000-05:00

I love Mondays. Especially Mondays when the heat reaches over 90 degrees and the humidity level is high. Who says Minnesota isn't in the tropics? With all these lakes, it's bounds to be humid. A great day to stay inside and read my Kindle.

One thing I did do today was tackle my treadmill. You see, I've set timers on my wonderful Motorola Droid Maxx, and once a timer is set, it's set in stone. I can't deviate from a timer. (Well, I could, but it would set off some button in my OCD and things would just go haywire from that moment on.) I've split my walking into two workouts of 1/2 mile two times a day, which all the books and experts say is ok to do. For someone who's been an expert couch potato for years due to pain and whatnot, I'll take it.

I've just finished my second session. How do I get through it? I set my bluetooth, turn my headset on to a Christian radio station, grab my Crystal Light, and walk to the music. The electronic doo-dads on the treadmill tell me how far I've walked and how fast and so on, so I really don't have to think much. The pain isn't too bad, as long as I walk correctly and focus on something else.

Something miraculous happens when I'm done...I'm extremely happy, despite the fact that I'm breathing like a beached whale and I'm downing my drink like I haven't drank anything in a week. I'm doing something good for myself and I haven't done that in a long, long time. I'm not thinking in terms of weight loss or how good I'm going to look in a bikini (at my age, I wouldn't buy a bikini to save my life, anyway); but I do want to feel good. My goal is to feel good.

How was your Monday?

Bras and Blessings

2012-06-29T12:44:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that I really dislike bras? For anyone over a cup size B, they are a necessity. And let me just add, if I did a Google search, I'm pretty sure the inventor of this god-awful contraption was a man! I mean, really, would my Maker care if I showed up at His party wearing my pjs without a bra? I doubt it.

I think the women in the Louisiana bayous have it all figured out. They don't care if they're wearing a bra. Heck...they don't even bother to put their teeth in half the time! Let's be natural, ladies!

Ah well. It wouldn't work. I'd probably end up on someone's YouTube video or on that horrible website peopleofwalmart.com if I started wearing my shirts without the armor. So I'll continue to strap the old girls in and suck it up. Modesty and all that, ya know.

One of the many joys of being a woman. Y'all have a nice day. And to our sisters in Louisiana, bless your little hearts!

Mom's 10th Year Memorial

2012-05-07T22:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death. I have been planning to have the immediate family to gather at her grave site to share memories, etc. for some time...a time to honor her and remember her. Many invitations had been sent out and many conversations had been had about it. Of course, as is usually the case in Minnesota, weather had its way and we had to cancel meeting at the grave site and I quickly sent out emails to everyone that we would be meeting at Dad's instead for sharing memories and then we would go out for lunch after.

Jaci didn't show up because "she didn't want to" and we never heard from Billie. Stephanie couldn't make it because she was relying on Jaci for her ride. I know Jaci didn't come because she's not talking to me and actually told me that I might as well forget about this gathering as no one was planning to go anyway. Jaci is a force to be reckoned with and she loves it. I am a nobody and this proves it.

Thank you Debby, Jayme, Perry, Robin, and Jeremy for showing up and showing your support, for not making Grandpa sit alone on this difficult day. I thought the others could let this immature nonsense go for one day and stop thinking about themselves, but I guess I was wrong. Family doesn't mean anything to them anymore. They have their own families now and we are the unfortunate hangers on...well, me, anyway.

Yes, I'm very hurt by all this. I didn't think Jaci would sink this low with something I still don't know what set her off about. After this...I am done. She won. I won't contact her again. The only thread holding us together now are the kids. She had made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me or Joel and so I will give her what she wants. If she calls, I won't respond. If she emails, I will delete it unread. As far as she is concerned, she has no mother and if that makes her happy, then so be it. I can't wait around for her to decide to "forgive" me for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done this time.

2012-04-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

Two more days and I have surgery again. This time it's for a complete hysterectomy, including ovaries and fallopian tubes, and a bladder sling. I'm more nervous about this one. I know the recovery time is much less that if I had the surgery the old way (where they cut through your abdomen), but I'm looking at at least 6 weeks of recovery time. Without help. I'm just going to have to do what I have to do.

Deep breaths. Praise God for His mercy and grace. Run to Him for help, because He promised to never leave me.

2012-04-18T22:44:00.001-05:00

She calls me a stalker because I follow her on social sites on the internet. It's the only way I can see her at the moment. I can't help myself. I tell myself to just leave her alone, to give her space, but then I need to see what she's saying and doing. I think of it as a death because right now I have no access to her. I wonder if she knows just how much she is hurting me right now. I wonder if she cares, even a little. Probably not. She probably thinks it's rather funny.

I want to move on. I don't know how to let go. She's my child. I think of carrying her, giving birth to her, the moments when she was a baby...always so happy and giggling all the time. She has such a funny sense of humor and I miss that. I miss her.

Why do I have this tendency to hang onto hurts like this? Why can't I leave it alone and let God handle it? I tell Him I will and then I still cry when I see her comments, especially the ones I know are directed at me. I can't even defend myself to her.

I find out from my husband's sister, of all people, that my daughter is thinking of moving to where her husband works...either North or South Dakota. When was she planning to tell me, if ever? I have three grandchildren, who I love very much and would miss terribly, to think about. Was she going to move and then tell me she was gone? Or give that responsibility to someone else? I don't have a problem with her moving to be with Donny; she should. It's a huge thing to only see your husband one weekend a month. I would like her to tell me of her plans, though, not hear it from my sister-in-law. This news was verified through someone else, too, so I know she's been talking about it.

I just miss my daughter. Lord, I need Your help.

2012-04-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how good the Lord is, how perfect His timing is. This morning a friend sent a Scripture through a Facebook page she created and I know it was a word meant for me:

But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—Psalm 103:17 NIV

God's righteousness is with my children's children...do you know how much this means to me?

I'm borrowing a lot today; this comes from David Stephens:

God permits into your life the things He could have prevented. There’s no point in second guessing any of your past decisions, because there’s no point in second guessing God. What’s done is done. At issue is not all of the “what” in your life, but rather the “why.” Why didn’t God stop you from making poor choices? Why did He allow overwhelming circumstances into your life that were not of your own doing?

Some people consider asking God “why” as sacrilege. But answers never take hold in your life without you first asking the questions. The purpose of living—the right and wrong, the good and bad, the ups and downs—is to give you a deeper revelation of Jesus in the moment. Once you recognize Jesus in the midst of the “right now,” you’ll begin to see life working for you and not against. God only permits into your life exactly what you need to keep you near to Jesus. – David Stephens

I have blamed myself enough for mistakes I've made as a parent. I've forgiven my parents for the mistakes they've made. There needs to be an end to the pattern that has gone back generations in our family for these same kinds of mistakes; the ones that have occurred throughout the generations: alcoholism and other addictions, abuses of all kinds, neglectful parenting. It took me a lifetime and the death of my mother to understand this. I wish I could save my children the agony and pain of getting to this point, but I guess they have their own path to acceptance and forgiveness.

It's difficult, sometimes, to understand the concept of the Lord allowing certain things to happen, but he was with me through it all. He was with my children through all the things that happened to them. He wept with us. There is a plan that is in place and we will come out victors through it. We are who we are because of some of these things. Maybe it's part of the plan the Lord has for us to do. I don't know. I do know God turns all things into good and He has a definite plan for each of us as we learn to trust Him.

I also trust Him for my children and my children's children and all future generations that may come. Thank You, Lord, for Your mercies are eternal and Your love endures forever!

2012-04-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

What shall I write for today? I texted my previously-written-about-daughter about the letters I sent to the children to see if they arrived...all she texted back was "NO!", as if it were my fault the mail didn't arrive on the day I thought it should have. Another "promise" broken, apparently.

I don't know why she won't talk to me. I don't know what's going on in her life. I don't know why she hates me. Mothers don't always do the right thing by their children; sometimes we make huge mistakes. But that doesn't mean we get to hate our mothers. I sometimes think I'm getting paid back for treating my mother the way I did. I'm crying much more than I ever have, even after my mother died, because this is something that can be fixed and she refuses to let me fix it. Will time heal this? I don't know this time. I apparently irritate her too much right now.

I don't want to "break up" with my daughter. I want to "break up" with stress. What with being fired from my job, having my gall bladder removed and recovering slowly, being in pain all the time, having my daughter hating me, facing a total hysterectomy in two weeks, and having no money to speak of (thank you, my wonderful and generous husband for taking care of all the finances right now...I love you very much), there are times I just want to give up. Life is so hard! How can I bare it?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh...blessed be the Name of the Lord.

I did something I've never done before...I picked up the phone and called my sister. She is also a Christian and just allowed me to cry and talk. She listened, which is exactly what I needed. We talked about everything and nothing and God and the Bible and it worked! I hung up with renewal in my heart and a smile on my lips. Thank you, Debby. You are a blessing in my life and I love you.

Another hurdle handled.

Family

2012-04-15T02:48:00.000-05:00

Family is a complicated concept. Are you forced to love family because they are family or can you walk away because they just don't "work" for you anymore? Love is work; it isn't just a good feeling and can be taken away when you're irritated with someone.

I've recently experienced a breakup of sorts with one of my daughters. I can't figure out if she's angry because I posted my opinion online about a touchy subject or if I couldn't attend her daughter's birthday pool party because I didn't have the money. She told me, online for the world to see, to stay out of her life and to not contact her any longer. Now I have to go through her to talk to my grandchildren and I haven't been given permission to visit with them yet. She won't talk to me. She thinks I'm bi-polar and has divided, or is trying to divide, the rest of the family to go for one side or the other.

Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe I do live my life with my head in the sand. But I just don't understand why she's so angry and why she no longer loves me...her own mother. We are on opposite ends politically...so what? A lot of families are that way. We don't see eye to eye on religion...that's not unusual, either. But we're both adults and I thought we could handle adult conversations with differing views.

She intimidates me. The problem is, she knows it and uses it to her advantage. She's always been much stronger than me. I can't even tell her that I love her (I did that once and she told me to stop telling her and her family that I love them, that it irritates her).

If you're wondering if this kind of rejection can break your heart, it can. Literally. I may be going crazy. I may even be bi-polar. But isn't that something that needs some understanding? I understand that my daughter is going through some things of her own right now and can't devote her time to my issues, but does that mean leaving me behind totally?

And yes, we've gone through this before. I've given her space and I thought we had resolved our issues. Then this happens again, seemingly out of the blue. I don't get it.

I'm having a total hysterectomy on April 30th, which happens to be this daughter's birthday. A little ironic. She won't be there for me, of course. At this point, she could care less. As for me, the biggest thing is that it bothers me a lot. A LOT. I love her so much and this is tearing me up inside.

I have to stop writing for now and go bury my head again. The pain is too intense.