graced-all-over

Change the title?

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:17:00 +0000

I want to sort of change the title to the poem below. Walkin' in the Spirit doesn't quite fit because it's not necessarily true that by walking in the Spirit we will have a good-everything-fall-into-place day. So many times walking in the Spirit, or attempting to, means lots of opposition and problems and heartache, down here.
The words were more about a good day, when God granted a restful day, full of peace and content, like a gift. Yeah, of course we wish every day was like that. But it just can't be that way it seems, this side of heaven.
But maybe our days can have more tastes of that within them. Maybe there is more peace and content to be experienced in all the mundane and all the to-do's and all the obstacles and problems. I think so. Only by abiding in him can I find that restful place in my soul, no matter what is going on. It seems tricky sometimes as my feelings pull at me, as do my moods and certain circumstances and even people. But I so long to keep my eyes on Him and seek him in all things.
That is my prayer always, that He alone would be my strength and stay.
I have to set time aside to spend with him and just ponder him, enjoy him (and tarry there, see hymn below). And from there I can go and face what I need to. It's not an easy road, we shouldn't fool ourselves. But we can have strength and joy in measure, like it says in the hymns. The old hymns are so good for meditating on. They have so much wisdom.... Their uplifting songwords can help us fly to a more secure place and remind us who that place is.
Just reading them like poems can be encouraging...
Here's a good one about all this-

IN THE GARDEN
I come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses;
And the voice I hear,
Falling on my ear,
The Son of God discloses.

And he walks with me
And He talks with me,
And He tells me I am his own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing;
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

I'd stay in the garden with Him,
Tho' the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go;
Thro' the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

``````````````
So I'm unofficially changing the title from Walkin' in the Spirit to - A Gift of a Day

Walkin' in the Spirit

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:31:00 +0000

The night doesn't last forever. Trials come and go. Though they pile up, the light does break through.
There is so much grace... In the darkness it can't always be sensed.

God delivers. We have been redeemed. Truly welcomed through his great sacrifice.
When it hurts, we can so easily forget. When we sleep, we get blinded.
We need him.

We can walk in the Spirit. We can trust amidst all the unknowns. We can leave it uncertain, it's alright. We can trust the hand that holds. We can move and let him lead.
We can let go

Sometimes it all falls into place. The light breaks powerfully through.
Is it just a taste?
Will it last forever?
Someday it will

Soul fishers

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:56:00 +0000

(Some things I have been pondering, mostly for myself! I work a lot of things out through writing.
I realize there are different callings and giftings for each of God's children and how we participate in winning souls may be different. But we are all called into this through whatever means we have, by God's grace.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those of us who are sons ( which is sons and daughters) of God are and must be soul fishers. Deep down we feel that desire and don't want to be distracted from this.
We see people and we love them. We want to tell them how God loves them and died for them. But we also want to show them this by our love, Christ's love in our hearts.
Life can get crazy and we can get so easily distracted from this with "practical" stuff that we need to do. I am guilty of this...

We forget to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. There seems to be not enough time. And sadly we are too busy trying to make ourselves feel better from the voids we feel, not realizing our very food is to win souls for God's eternal kingdom or help others in doing so. Jesus said “my food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work" (John 4: 33)
We forget that the kingdom of this earth is temporary. We live as though it is everything. We can't say we are loving if we are not winning people into eternal life. This goes beyond just our immediate families.
Maybe we are spinning our wheels because we work too hard on being comfortable and care free... values of the kingdom of this world (not the kingdom of heaven).

We may be disillusioned with church as we know it culturally. But lets not equate Christ's love and body with the cultural manifestations of " church". We can invite lost people to church so they can hear the message, if we feel so led, but it is up to us to love the lost into the kingdom, regardless of the church's lacks or gaping holes.

If we know and love Christ and have a few people with us at least, we have all it takes to win souls and be a church, we don't need any "professionals" for this. Jesus and the disciples were unlearned men in the eyes of the culture but they had a straight connection with their Father and creator and they are the examples we must follow. We have the same access! Jesus made a way!
Jesus and his disciples didn't seek any money for themselves or reward from men for this. They didn't sell any books and try to make a profit. They didn't ask for tithes or membership fees. Their motivation was not to earn a living by doing so, they trusted God for that ( I'm not saying that I'm against selling books, etc. I'm just saying that I think it's about motivation. Do we value people more than material comforts). Jesus layed down his very life, even completely at the very end when the time had come... We must ask God for wisdom and strength in laying down our lives for others. The desire is there in all of God's sons/ daughtes, it's just in conflict with our sinful nature which in Scripture is also called our earthly nature. Again, a battle between the earthly and the heavently...

Lets not forget also the women who followed and stayed with Jesus, one of which was the first to see him when he rose from the dead... Women were equally valuable and gifted in Jesus' eyes and therefore also in God's eyes! (but that's a whole 'nother post!).

Maybe I'm called to preach through my writing. It seems weird saying that as it is not something I would chose... I feel funny doing it . But I feel this calling, and want to make more time for it! Pray for me. Pray for God's will to be done in me so I can win more souls for his beautiful ETERNAL kingdom and help others to so as well. Souls won are souls fulfilled, loved and loving! It is never about competing to see how many people one has "saved'!!

PS- I also recently learned from a truth-preacher that a preacher is not a perfect person, just someone who proclaims truth with a sincere heart of faith and love. It is a gift...
Can women be preachers too? Why not?!
I have always been afraid of being a "professional" Christian. That is why I dropped out of Bible college. But i have always felt this calling in my life to live and work mainly for the Kingdom of God. I pray any obstacles are removed so I can be more fruitful. Jesus is certainly worth it!

Your kingdom come, your will be done ...

Laundry beast

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:37:00 +0000

Sometimes the laundry piles up from here to the moon... and I need to be satisfied with just chipping away at it, once I can get out from under it. That's not really me in the picture, but metaphorically it definitely is.
It's a mountain that can only be climbed a little at a time.
The good thing about having to go to the laundry mat is that I can do many loads at one time. But I don't like to do more than three, plus it feels like I'm hogging the laundry mat if I do more than that!
Today, it's definitely laundry day- no escaping it. The beast has taken over. Why oh why do I put it off so....? It's always last on my priority list.
I've also noticed I go shopping more because it seems like there's no clothes (because they're all dirty!) Geez. Truth is, I don't like going to the laundry mat. I do covet having my own washer and dryer again... But I'm not sure I was any better when I did... My husband has been doing his own laundry for quite some time. I'm really not the best house-wife, truth be told. Health problems have been part of the issue; having limited time where I was well enough to do things. But still, I always think there's better things to do with my time, until my daughter has no clean underwear.

I prefer to sit here and write about laundry than go and actually do it. Well, I rather write than do a great many things....

God give me the grace to fight this beast and WIN!
Can I accept that house work never ceases? (I always think it will magically cease one day, and often act as though it has, when all evidence is quite to the contrary)

Okay, putting on my mama-cape, here I go!
Well, after breakfast! Can't do laundry without any protein!

Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 16:54:00 +0000

Hope you had a good day.

Our daughter learned this poem, which I got from a friend, and said it as our prayer for the meal. She also dressed up as a little pilgrim : ) We made this cool turkey craft you can see on pic. We had fun creating the feathers. We got the idea at http://familyfun.go.com

Blessings, Manuela

"Give thanks to God for God is good.
Give thanks to God for all Creation.
Give thanks to God for family and friends.
Give thanks to God for food to share.
Give thanks to God for sending Jesus.
God's love lasts Forever."

AMEN

Tribute

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 21:56:00 +0000

Wow, I can't believe I wrote the last post a month ago. How time flies.
I was sick for two whole weeks between then and now, and honestly I didn't know if I would ever get better, despite what the last post said...( I have been better for several days now, PRAISE GOD) I am AMAZED at how sickness can blurr perspective, how it does mine at times. But at the same time I'm seeing, once again, how grace from our friends can get us through. I know an amazing group of ladies through an online support group who pick me up, everytime. And so I see God's deliverance and overcoming come also through those who earnestly pray for us. These wonderful ladies have struggled with chronic illness ( as I have) and some have a few decades over me and their love astounds me, because they pray passionately and with love. So this is just a short tribute to them.
I tell some of them they are my "slightly" older sisters, not that age is that important...But years (and years of suffering) can teach many things. So I honor them for the lovely giving spirit they have. We have never met face to face, but I feel we know each other and are cut from the same cloth. What a blessing!

EXCITED

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 17:54:00 +0000

I'm excited- Excited that with God I can overcome anything, ANYTHING! The cheer I have comes from him.
I take my spoon (and ears and eyes and all of it) and feed on him, slowly, and he fills me and satisfies me, yes he does ( I need my daily bread). Nothing else can.
All props are removed so I can feast on the source of real life. Yes, I am excited! Who knew...!

"... be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" John 16:33

Can we be this kind of friend?

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:34:00 +0000

And do we need friends like this? ... I don't find myself agnostic at this moment but in my lowest points I have surely felt the ways described in the post below. I think most of us have at one point or other, if we are honest. Are we afraid to admit it because we feel that not even God can tolerate our deep doubts?
And when we have been there, have we found disapproval and rejection from others, ...or have we dished that out?

Daily Meditation for Thursday 25th of August 2011 by Dale and Juanita Ryan

A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.
Job 6:14

At some point during the recovery process we re-examine our most fundamental beliefs. A long process of sorting, examining and questioning takes place. And, in that process, our relationship with God is challenged. It is possible that our relationship with God will deepen and strengthen in the process. But it is also possible that we will find ourselves pulling away from God. We may find ourselves angry with God, or afraid of God, or unable to believe in God at all. This can be a frightening experience. It can feel like the very foundations of life are being shaken.

In times like this, we need many things. But at the top of the list is our need for friends who will accept us even if we turn away from God. We need friends who will not minimize our struggle or discount our feelings. We need people who will not be shocked when we are full of rage at God. We need friends who are able to hear the deep pain behind our words and who know that this, too, is part of our healing. We need people who can see beyond the immediate pain to the healing that can come.
Even when we forsake the fear of God, we need friends who understand, who are committed to us for the long haul, and who plead with God on our behalf.
Sometimes I feel agnostic, Lord,
I just don't know anymore.
Sometimes I want nothing to do with you.
Where were you when I needed you the most?
Sometimes I despair, Lord.
Sometimes I can't seem to hope.
I need friends who will not abandon me, Lord.
I need friends who will be patient and grace-full with my anger and fear.
I need friends who will stay with me as we wait for you to show yourself once again.
I need friends, Lord, who will give me courage to hope again in you.
Send help, Lord.
Amen.

Groaning for good things

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 17:38:00 +0000

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. (Romans 8:26&27)

Wow, wow, wow. Amazing...

Have you ever groaned and you were just full of wanting...
Today, I dropped my little girl off to her first day of 1st grade! It was SO HARD, and scarier for me than maybe for her, although I thoroughly checked out the school and feel it's a pretty decent one (fingers crossed).
My sweet girl was excited and scared. God bless her tender heart. She was so brave and I know she will do great. She didn't cry... She had a little sticker on her hand to remind her of how much she is loved (taken from The Kissing hand book...)
When I left the school I was kind of a mess. I saw a little boy outside her class weeping and clinging to his momma and that just sort of threw me over the edge. I wanted to stay and just hang around outside her class, and as I lingered there, I realized it would be better if I went for a drive and tried to pray (besides I was starting to get weird looks)
I felt so full. As I drove (and got less cranky as I got away from all the traffic) the verse I shared above came to mind. I wanted to pray for Maggie, her safety and comfort at school, her teachers, the school, and then myself, my life, this state, the world, the children's hospital I passed... I had felt overwhelmed as people had rushed around me, and the crazy traffic and everyone running to their jobs; such is modern life, I know, but I wanted to be still. I realized I NEEDED to be. I think the realizing it and taking action (by getting away) was the breaking point for the light to enter. That's usually how it works for me.
And the verse above brought me comfort. God himself groans and intercedes through us and for us and we can offer our deep longings for good things as prayers, even if we can't articulate all of it. I was able to articulate some of it and felt more peace as I prayed... And I felt amazed at God and his mercy.
Amazing that we can just offer up prayers here and there, any time of day, as our hearts lead, and his Spirit leads. Some will be clear prayers, some will be groans (is that part of what "tongues" is .. ?). But I know our Father wants us to be still and know He is God- for our own comfort, cause this world is just too much sometimes. Whatever helps us be still and know him- a drive, a walk, a song, a prayer, whatever, is well worth the time. It helps unjade things just a bit at a time. And we all need to make more time for that.

Not ever in vain

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 02:57:00 +0000

Sometimes you will do things
and no one will understand,
except only One

Sometimes you will feel things
and no one will understand,
except One

Sometimes
only your conviction will carry you
through,
And walking alone
will be your strength
though to many it appear as weakness

People fear anothers' sorrow too much
It reveals to them
their own fears,
To some
it mirrors their frozen pain
that they dare not face

But without heartache
you can't grow
or really love
or learn

or come to fully understand
what you need to

nor can you know
how close God is
when he carries you
and the heap of pain that you feel you are
as your strength wavers and your thoughts falter

though you falter...

you learn that the sorrow
you so feared
is a faithful teacher and friend

and your real sighing and tears
are not ever in vain

Crazy times

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 17:24:00 +0000

the creation groans
waiting for the sons of God to be revealed
sons who feel
and see
and care
sons and daughters of light and life
coming forth in crazy times
through deception
and murder they will pass
through

birthed by pure blood
they will be purified
and creation aches
and groans
waiting,
oh, when?

and together they will rise
crowned in love
sword in hand, double edged
lovely and wise
oh,
oh,
when...

they will rise

Through the Spirit...

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 16:01:00 +0000

"...Those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires." Romans 8:5

I want to live more and more with my mind set on what the Spirit desires. He is the Counselor, the Comforter, the Helper, the Spirit of Truth. I can turn my mind toward him and receive the strength and encouragement I need, anytime. Pretty great. He accepts me, my mess, brokenness. He silences the accuser and showers me with hope.

"I'm out..."

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 22:05:00 +0000

Happy New Year. I wish you peace, hope, faith, truth, perseverance and most of all love,
because of Jesus Christ, who shall make all things new when he returns... Let us keep our hope firm- "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ" (Phillipians 3:20) and, "For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. (Galatians 5:5)

Off to the Grand Canyon!

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 18:00:00 +0000

woo-hoo, yes!...we need a getaway. I am a traveling soul and it's been a while... Wanted to leave y'all with a post by Holley Gerth that really encouraged me. You can check out her very thoughtful words at http://blog.dayspring.com. Merry belated Christmas and a Spirit-filled New Year to you! If you love Jesus, the Word made flesh, you shine...

You shine... by Holley Gerth (To view in her blog, click here)

The darkness still hovers over the dawn. I step on a plane that will carry my from here to there.
Carry me to my family, to my Grandpa Hollie in Texas who's celebrating 90 years of good living this week. I peer from the window.
The lights below me twinkle, twinkle.
And I think of you.
How can I not think of you?
You are the light of the world. Matthew 5:14
Some lights are alone...
I pray you're sustained, comforted, that you sense the nearness of One Who Loves You, even in the darkness.
Others are clustered in groups...
I pray you're strengthened, unified, that together you shine brighter and bolder.
Everywhere, sprinkled across the dark, are beams and bulbs, flickers and flashes. YOU. Beautiful, glorious, filled with the light of the One who made you.
And I just wanted to say...
Keep shining.
From your perspective, it may not seem like much.
But from above?
Oh, yes, you SHINE.
Beautifully, radiantly, more than you know, more than you see...
And trust me, the world is better and brighter for it.

A very encouraging post to share...

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 21:32:00 +0000

"When the Wolves howl from a Sheep's mouth" by Mary DeMuth

Nothing is quite as confusing as spiritual abuse but yet somehow Jesus always preserves and delivers his little sheep- his forever.

Thankful for the body

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:01:00 +0000

Since we moved to Tucson we've had trials on top of trials on top of trials, sometimes to the point of desperation. They are too many to tell... but right alongside we made friends, new friends who have been loving us tangibly- and that has been our rescue. They've had faith, gifts and encouragement for us when we had little left, or when we forgot what we had and who we are. We are learning together that we simply are one body and that the only thing that can keep us together is our friendship and love, in and because of Christ. And this love is not exclusive nor can it be divided. The friendship and love is the sinew that keeps us together, nothing else will work. We are to receive one another and bear with each other. One verse and passage that spoke to us is- Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification (Rom. 15:1-2). Is this not love? Who could be strong all the time without any help. We need each other. It's not so complicated really.... Christ's message was simple but it would take faith in him to understand, and then he would do the rest.
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you"
(John 15:7)

A little while

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 18:03:00 +0000

fragmented
                                  scattered
                                                                                                 bewildered
everywhere
                                                         but nowhere
knowledgeable
                                                                                             overly sophisticated
                         but nowhere

desperate world
deception rules
and many stray far from the Son
though he never strays from them

all he said...
all he did...
you either take him whole or
you don't take him at all

can not say he was
"an enlightened one"
and pick and chose at his words
then
truth would lose all meaning
love would falter
and lie
...cannot lie
the fear he came to take
would be reborn

but born of truth
we can't deny
(the Son)

and fear reigns
He said we'd suffer
for a little while
He said the lies would
flooding come
deception would rule
for a little while
and men would say peace
and dance over the massacre
with no grief
or shame
some with no feeling
at all

and
what is a little while
in the face of eternity

Come to me, my song...

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 05:33:00 +0000

I f i n a l l y downloaded another of my songs to myspace:

Come to me

What we need & Hope for a tree cut down

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 16:05:00 +0000

...give us each day our daily bread...

and this bread really satisfies-

calms, heal, restores

sometimes it may come in the form of someone's prayer or kind word or deed

anything that causes us to return to the Source of abundant life

Once restored

comforted

we can love

***************

"How different would our lives be if we believed every single gesture
every act of faith or love or joy or peace or word of forgiveness
would multiply as long as there are people to receive it.
Our gift is not what we can do but who we are." -Henry Nouwen

from this song- great song check it out here:

http://belovedschurch.org/hope/given.php

Returning

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 16:34:00 +0000

Habits don't die easy and that involves ways of thinking as well. Fear, shame, worry, insecurity they all don't go easy. They are always knocking on our door. There is perhaps a right kind of fear and a right kind of worry. I don't even know. Need to make more time to renew my mind, to get in touch with the truth that is already in me, the goodness that is there. Everything is so crazy these days, so disconnected.
We will talk truth as if to grasp hold of it, but can we live it? The freedom we profess or seek comes with a cost. Do we dare be different- people who live the message, unconcerned with all the superficial worries of this life- like how to make a living? Do I even trust he will provide? And what if what he thinks is sufficient for me is way less than what I think I need? That seems to happen a lot. We all have to shed this world in so many ways to find the real peace that was there all along. How quickly it gets lost around here with so many distractions, so many ways to try to remove the ache. Maybe the homesick feeling is meant to just be there. Sometimes it's there much more so, and maybe that's okay too...? If it leads me to his embrace, it must be good...

Lonely for comments...

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 04:51:00 +0000

So I know people come by, and that we're all very busy and all... So... who are all of you who frequent my blog and never comment? I'm not a news agency, you know?! A simple "hello there" would be dandy.
I'm not looking fo' yo' money, nor your admiration... just a little love. Let me know your thoughts sometime, otherwise I might just shut this whole thing down...!
I don't have facebook, and don't you make me have to get on there...! I'll never forgive myself. I'm already addicted enough to the computer! Geez. What a mad world we live in...
Also, while I have you here, I'd like to ask, what do you think blogger etiquette is? I know there is facebook etiquette...but what about blogger?!?!
Hello??

Graced... once and for all

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 19:59:00 +0000

But can we believe it? That's all that was ever required- to receive the gift.
This video by Jim Robbins couldn't say it better, and yet we've been taught the opposite, way too much. The other message seems to prevail, but it won't last.
Time to rest and receive.
Can we? We absolutely can.

HOW TO SHAME A CHRISTIAN from Jim Robbins on Vimeo.

More Twelve Tribes Community processing (updated)

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 18:26:00 +0000

I left this here yesterday...

I was with the Twelve Tribes as a member for close to 9 months after staying with them for a month prior. They do absolutely begin to try to strip you of even your own thoughts and emotions, your God given free will. They do that gradually of course, but they work full force on it once you are “in.” There is a lot of control from the top, absolute leader control. Although there are some nice folks there, they too have to deal with all the undue demands and submit to them, or else! (The consequences of not doing so are not pretty- you will be counseled to no end, kept a very close eye on and/ or put to public shame, and then eventually ostracized). Very sad. I am glad I was able to get out when I did. They probably would have kicked me out sooner or later anyway as I was not an “easy” convert in many ways. I was there too long as it is. I feel badly for many innocent people there who aren’t even allowed to process their own thoughts without being (often) interrogated or questioned. They let others be God for them, and are greatly damaged because of it.
One example is that the Twelve tribes will teach that “everyone can hear from God and share.” But in reality what you share is always scrutinized by whatever the “teachings” have already established. They are the guide to everything and the only right interpretations to scripture, as far as they are concerned. So they try to interpret EVERYTHING for you in the end, and you are left with nothing really. But many people there become used to that, and then numb to it- they see no use in fighting anymore, they are too exhausted anyway. (I almost reached this point). Very sad indeed.

NOTE: Despite what I've shared above, I know there are some very decent, good and caring people there and I was glad to know them and become friends. I've described more of this in some of my other posts. What I'm referring to here is the structure- overpowering/ controlling teachings and leadership, deception, and also how so many are misled by it. It became evident to me that that was definitely there- some high up leader, running the show. I never met him, just some of his pawns. You could see in people's eyes the fear of ever even questioning Yoneq- a mere man after all. Like I said, I never even met him, yet he clearly defined EVERYTHING for the community. How could I not question him?!

Juggling act but counting my blessings

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 02:19:00 +0000

I would describe motherhood in today's modern age as an insane juggling act. I often feel like I'm just trying to figure out which ball is up and meanwhile, bam!, I get smacked by another ball I forgot about, and it knocks me down and so the other 20 balls (which are: laundry, groceries, driving, doctors, cleaning, teaching, playing, e-mails, phone calls (no way I'm getting on facebook!!), birthdays, driving some more, play dates, shopping, school stuff, and trying to squeeze in some time with my husband somewhere in there, and some time with friends and then some me time, God forbid.... and I haven't even mentioned all the sideballs- trials, inconveniences, problems...) come falling on top of me, and then I'm crawling around looking for some dumb balls and I'm like, what the heck...?

But I do love the challenge once I can get some down time and reflect on all of it. I do love my daughter so much and I'm lucky to have a husband who doesn't want me burned out and will help out (way) more than most husbands I know... he is pretty darn domestic and loves his daughter to pieces. So I'm counting these blessings. Recently, I was able to enroll Maggie in a morning school and although I have to drive for at least half the time she's there, I'm so enjoying it. Driving is so therapeutic. Just driving through the dessert roads, surrounded by mountains, palm trees and sunny skies is just what my soul needed. My thoughts clear and I can hear what I'm thinking and feeling. I've always loved driving and driving until things begin to make sense. It does help that these are "off roads" and not congested highways for the most part. Often, I like to listen to music, but lately I've just been listening to my thoughts, the silence, and such...
The school is so far away, but it is so perfect for our family in so many ways. It is a safe place for Maggie, out in the country, where she can experience nature all throughout the year. Her teacher is a gem too, and I'm a lover of the Montessori teaching method.
...God is good to us always amidst all the trials and heartache. I am very grateful he always shows up in tangible ways despite our messes.

The bible for religious people...

noreply@blogger.com (Manuela) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 23:44:00 +0000

I think the bible was written for religious people, people who think they can do it all by their own methods and strength; people who think they can "achieve" salvation or a level of goodness or rewards all on their own. Yeah, self-righteous people. The rest don't really seem to need it as much. They're already humble perhaps. Perhaps I'm wrong.
I was such a person (self-righteous, and still struggle with this), but what the bible has taught me, and continues to teach me when interpreted right, is that I can't do diddley-squat on my own in terms of important eternal stuff, like loving. It's just a fact. I can't even understand spiritual stuff, like the scriptures themselves.
When I first started reading it, thankfully I quickly made it to the gospels, Matthew actually. By reading what Jesus said, particularly in the sermon of the mount, I came to realize how much was "demanded." I wasn't even remotely close. What did he want from me?! But then I saw that He did it. He actually somehow pulled it off. He was altogether good. And so began my journey out of self-righteousness, and the realization of my deep need.
Maybe all he wants is dependence on him, because he can carry us, and is. Why all the kicking and screaming, who knows? He knows. For me it was this: how could I depend on a demanding God? Sometimes he seemed so benevolent, but sometimes my tainted eyes only saw demands- demands. demands, demands. The blind religious system wrote all these out for me just when I was starting to escape. But Jesus always pulled me back, and continues to- "Damn those demands!!," I hear him say time and time again. I was raised under demands, raised up under them (they were my stupid foundations) and they have had to be torn down. (Such is the nature of religion- HEAVY YOKES.) It has not been an easy demolition for him, I'm sure. He's still at it, I'm also sure.

Yes, it's taking me a LONG while to begin to see that he didn't expect me to immediately be just like him, that he wasn't expecting everyone to be "perfect." I still struggle with this. I really do. It's so deep seated in me. Knowledge hasn't been enough to eradicate it. Only the experience of love has and is. And he keeps on breaking through with love, and I keep on being amazed at his patience with me-- reckless love.
It is a real thing. If he (Jesus) wasn't really real we wouldn't even be here. What he did is EVERYTHING and more than I can see, because it's who he is- LOVE- real, transcendent- an all-encompassing loving being that does not relent, abandon or leave his loving-ness towards his people. Amazing. I am seeing it. Through all kinds of trials (made to humble me) I am seeing his care. I never knew how proud and stupid I really was. I never know until he comes along and just takes care of things in his mysterious way, never like I expected. What a fearful person I can be. The trials pile up, and he will make his way. So when will I learn to trust? When, oh when? He's winning me, like only he could.
So maybe I'm starting to trust him. Because he has turned SO much junk for good. Surely he'll do the same with the rest of the seeming "junk," trials, worries, burdens, blindness. Maybe I have trusted him some, because he's loved me in tangible ways. He did die for me after all. No one else has done that. Even his ripping at my pride and stupidity is his love. So keep on, Jesus. Keep on doing what you do, because I know who you are. Sometimes I might not recognize you right away, but you don't give up on me, on any of us. You are our only hope.

note: I only refer to God as "he" because I am referring to the man (male) Jesus, his son.