Every year people separate and divorce and have to figure out how to negotiate Christmas from a different place. It can be immensely painful and sad, but it can also be a time of new experiences and traditions. How it goes is all up to you and will be the result of the three steps outlined in this article. Keeping reading.

My former husband and I separated in early November. That first year, I had the kids for Thanksgiving, and he had them the first part of their Christmas vacation. I thought I would be okay with that. Boy was I wrong. I was so totally not prepared for that day.

For me, I really thought I would be just fine. I remember thinking I would sleep in, get up and take a nice run, and just enjoy the morning. What I found, though, was that waking up on Christmas morning alone in my house that first year has gone down as one of the absolute worse days of my life. And even as I write about that day many years later, I can still feel the depth of emotions of that experience. I thought I could treat it as just another day, but that didn’t work for me at all. I was an emotional wreck the entire day, which was not what I had wanted for my kids or for myself.

As a family law attorney, I now use this personal experience to warn my clients about the need for deliberate planning around the holidays. Hopefully I can help them avoid the common pitfalls I experienced.

What I learned the hard way is to think ahead, plan ahead, and be very deliberate and intentional about the holidays. Even if you think you will be okay and that it’s no big deal, it is. Whether you have children or not, everything is different. Trust me. It will help you and your children if you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for this time of year.

What can you do? Here are the three steps for surviving Christmas:

1. Make a plan. Definitely do this. I am big fan of journaling and writing things down, so get out some paper and write down your plan. Where will you be? Who will you be with? What will you do? What will you think about? What will you not let yourself think about? These last two questions are critically important. If you want to go down that melancholy road and feel sorry for yourself and cry all day, you can do that. And likely that is what will happen if you do not heed this advice and plan ahead. When you do plan ahead and follow your plan, you will be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

2. Surround yourself with family and friends. If you get through the above journaling exercise and realize you don’t know where you’ll be or who you’ll be with, then get busy making some plans. Surround yourself with people, any people. Get busy cooking for others or going to the movies or doing anything that will require your attention with other people involved.

3. Begin new traditions. Everything in your life is changing right now, including your holiday traditions. What can you do this year that is new and different and fun? What can you do that will keep your mind occupied and that you can enjoy with your children? My children and I now go to a movie every year on Christmas Day. That is our new tradition and we plan our day around it. What ideas do you have that will help you get through this day in a way that you can feel good about when it’s done?

Taking these three steps will help you get through the holidays with
less angst and with a great feeling of accomplishment for being able to get a grip during a tough time.

Do yourself and your children a favor. Get out your journal and start writing your plan now.

Share your thoughts online at 3 Steps to Surviving Christmas

Of course, he wanted to go to court and expose her for the bad person she was and get divorced as soon as possible. I had the unpleasant task of explaining to him that, in his situation, he would probably spend a lot of money and get very little satisfaction from doing this. He was not a happy camper, but I had to explain to him the truth about what a court could and could not do.

If you are thinking about going to court to win custody of your children or to prove your spouse is a terrible person, think again.

If you have a lawyer telling you that going to court is your only option, question your lawyer or get a second opinion. It’s time to “get real” about the impact litigation has on families.
Clients typically believe that getting divorced means getting ugly with each other and having to go to court to get things settled. This is not true. There are a number of ways to get divorced without going to court (and without getting ugly), ways that are better for everyone involved.

And there are a number of compelling reasons why you want going to court to be a last resort for you. Yes, there are cases when there is no alternative to going to court, but honestly, they are few and far between.

Here are my Top Five reasons why soon-to-be exes should stay out of court:

1. Litigation is the most expensive and least effective way of getting divorced.

2. It destroys family relationships. It’s hard to co-parent after you annihilate your spouse in court.

3. It’s incredibly stressful for the whole family, especially your children.

4. It takes forever! Dockets dictate the pace of your case.

5. No one wins when you go to court. It’s definitely a lose-lose situation.

The problem is that the legal system is simply not set up to deal with the
emotional and psychological needs of a family in a divorce situation. When soon to be spouses use the legal system, they are seldom satisfied with the outcome, and this often leads to even more litigation.

It’s crazy. I ask my clients, “Do you want a judge, a person who knows very little about you or your family, deciding where your children wake up on Christmas morning?”

Most clients get this, regardless of the reasons they have come to this place of getting divorced. They want to maintain some control over how their case goes and to minimize the costs involved. They want to protect their children. They don’t want it to go on for years, and they do (perhaps grudgingly) want the best relationship possible with their spouse going forward for the benefit of their children.

How do you do this? Investigate other options like mediation and collaborative divorce. Seek out lawyers who are settlement experts. Think about what you want your life to look like a year from now and five years from now. Think about what you want for your children and for yourself. Get the help you need to figure out how to improve your communication with your spouse, so that, even though your marriage is ending, your relationship continues in the most positive way possible.

Going to court to get divorced should be your absolute last resort. For the benefit of you, your spouse, your children, and your bank account, you owe it to yourself to check out these other options.

If you are a soon-to-be ex, do your own investigation about this, and make every effort to take the highest road possible in your situation. It isn’t easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Share your thoughts online at Why Soon-To-Be Exes Should Stay Out of Court

Collaborative divorce has been around for over 20 years now, but it’s still a new concept for many people. In the simplest terms, collaborative divorce is a way of divorcing without going to court. Clients sign a contract at the beginning of the case agreeing they will not go to court and that they will settle all issues related to their divorce in a series of face-to-face meetings with their collaborative lawyers or teams.

Here are the hallmarks of this client-centered process called collaboration:

• Agreement not to go to court
• Promotes mutual respect
• Emphasizes the needs of the children
• Process and discussions are kept private
• Communication is open and constructive
• Focuses on needs and interest of clients and the family
• Utilizes a problem solving approach

The clients agree they will participate openly and honestly in the process. This means they will talk about their interests, needs, and goals, and they will freely disclose any information they have in their possession or anything specifically requested by their spouse. There is no hiding of assets. We call this is a “transparent” process. Everything is out in the open and on the table.

The real beauty of collaboration is that it promotes mutual respect and trust and provides the opportunity for the best relationship possible after the divorce. Couples learn to listen to each other and communicate more effectively with the help of their team. This means that going forward, even though divorced, this family can function more effectively and the children will not suffer the usual fallout from a traditional litigated divorce.

My experience as a collaborative lawyer is that people who choose this process are looking for a fair and peaceful resolution, they want to protect their children as much as possible, and they don’t want to hate each other when it’s over. Of course, they are sad about divorcing, but they see the value in maintaining a relationship with their spouse in order to be able to work together to co-parent their children in the future. They also see the value in staying out of the courtroom at all costs.

Why is it so important to stay clear of the courtroom? Suffice it to say that going to court about anything is just like rolling the dice in Vegas. On any given day, you can win or lose. It depends on so many factors, including the judge’s mood that day, that it’s absolutely impossible for any lawyer anywhere to predict the outcome. There just isn’t the satisfaction in going to court that many people expect. It’s a myth that needs to be debunked. The legal system is simply not set up to solve the complicated emotional issues involved in divorce. The collaborative process is.

As a general rule, a collaborative divorce takes less time, costs less money, and is less stressful than a conventional divorce. And while divorce is never easy, this process allows people to go through their divorce with integrity, dignity, and grace. It’s a brilliant concept for a difficult and complicated life transition, and it works.

Share your thoughts online at Collaborative Divorce – Splitting Up But Staying Whole

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Collaborative Divorce v. Litigation
• Collaborative Divorce: Enrolling the Reluctant Spouse
• Announcing New Ebook-Anatomy of a Collaborative Divorce

I am pleased and excited to announce that my new ebook, Anatomy of a Collaborative Divorce: A Roadmap of the Collaborative Process, is now available on my website for immediate download.

Visit my page here:

http://www.gracefuldivorcesolutions.com/products/

or just click on the “Products & Ebooks” link above.

This is the perfect resource for anyone considering signing on for a collaborative divorce, as it takes you step by step through the process. Knowing what to expect when you walk into the room definitely reduces stress and anxiety and make it a smoother process.

I’ve already heard from a number of clients that this was very helpful to them. I know it will be helpful to you too.

As always, I would love to hear your comments or questions!

Share your thoughts online at Announcing New Ebook-Anatomy of a Collaborative Divorce

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Collaborative Divorce: Enrolling the Reluctant Spouse
• Collaborative Divorce v. Litigation
• Collaborative Divorce – Splitting Up But Staying Whole

Just as there is no “one size fits all” process choice for divorce (collaboration, mediation, litigation), there is definitely no “one size fits all” lawyer for your divorce. The lawyer you choose will depend on the process you hope to use, so that’s the decision you need to make first.

Once you have done your homework and have a picture of what is best for you and your family in terms of process, here are the Four Tips to consider when deciding on the best lawyer for you:

1. Fees. Lawyer’s fees aren’t cheap, but the hourly rate should not be the determining factor either. And a word to the wise here — a higher priced lawyer does not necessarily insure better results for you. Most lawyers fees range from $100 an hour to as much as $1,000 a hour, depending on where you live. Do some investigation in your area and determine the typical hourly rate for divorce lawyers.

2. Experience. For the best and most efficient results, find a lawyer who specializes in family law, or who at least spends the majority of his or her practice in this area. This is important because an experienced divorce lawyer will know the tendencies of the various judges and other divorce lawyers in your area. You also want someone who has a good working relationship with the judges and other lawyers. A lawyer with expertise in family law will be able to offer you clear explanations of your process choices and be able to answer your burning questions in a way that will make sense to you.

3. Referrals. This is probably the most common way clients come to me, as referrals from other clients or other professionals in the area. If you don’t know who to go to (the phone book will probably confuse you even more!), ask a friend, a co-worker, a therapist, a minister, priest, rabbi, or a financial advisor for a recommendation. Hearing what others have to say will help you decide who you would like to see for a consultation.

4. Good Fit and Accessibility Factor. Finally, and perhaps most important, is that you have a good connection with the lawyer you choose. You won’t know this until you actually have a consultation with that lawyer and have the opportunity to ask your questions and see how you feel about the responses. You should know after your consultation whether you feel like you and this lawyer will work well together. If you aren’t sure, keep looking. Whatever you do, don’t think about hiring a lawyer just because of their reputation. Always have a consultation and make sure it’s the right fit for you. Be proactive for your own case.

Remember, this relationship with your lawyer is a partnership. You are working together to achieve the best solutions for you and your family. Mutual respect, understanding, and clear communications are a must to make this a reality. And you deserve nothing less!

Share your thoughts online at Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Getting the Right Fit for You (Part II)

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Getting the Right Fit For You (Part I)
• Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Helping or Hurting?
• Achieving a Better Divorce – Part III – Choosing the Right Professionals for You

What has happened, though, is that the Wife has gone to an attorney whose style of representation is to push through, always using the legal system to get things done. He’s words to her were, “We have to do this my way. You’ll see. This is how we do it.” And he filed, and my client was served, and the wife was not aware or understood what he was doing or why, and it wasn’t what she wanted. There was a fault ground alleged in the complaint and other language that was generally inflammatory and not at all conducive to helping these folks continue with their respectful relationship.

This is why I advocate SO strongly that you be intentional about the lawyer you pick when the time comes. This woman just wanted someone to help her get a legal agreement drafted. The legal agreement her lawyer prepared asked for more money from the husband than he made in a month! How is it possible for him to pay her that amount and maintain his own household? And, more importantly, the agreement drafted was not what the woman asked for, but was what the lawyer thought he needed to do to represent her.

I’m sure this woman just didn’t know to ask certain questions, or that she had options. And that’s my point. You do have options, and the choice you make matters a lot.

I would love to hear from you. Do you think this lawyer has helped or hurt his client?

Share your thoughts online at Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Helping or Hurting?

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Getting the Right Fit For You (Part I)
• Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Getting the Right Fit for You (Part II)

Some lawyers are very collaborative and good at settlement, and others are good at litigating. Some have more experience than others in family law practice. Some have been practicing for many years and have what I call the “old school” approach to representing people in divorce (prepare to litigate!), and others refuse to do anything but collaborative cases.

Ultimately, the decision you make about your divorce process (collaboration, mediation, litigation) should impact the lawyer you hire to help you out. And if you are on the fence about pursuing a divorce, having a consultation with an experienced divorce lawyer will help you understand the process, the costs, and the possible outcomes.

It’s important to find someone who is experienced in family law. Would you ask your family doctor to operate on your heart? Probably not. Even though he likely knows about cardiac surgery, he doesn’t have the expertise to do heart surgery. It’s the same with your divorce. Your divorce is important, and how it goes will significantly affect your future. You want someone who knows the tricks of the trade.

It’s also important when choosing a lawyer that you feel there is a good fit. You should feel a connection and a mutual understanding with the lawyer you hire. Just like picking your physician, dentist, or therapist, or even your church, you want to make sure you choose the one who feels right to you.

If you aren’t feeling a connection, don’t hesitate to seek a second or even a third consultation with other lawyers. Regardless of the process you choose, getting divorced is a very difficult and personal experience, so your lawyer should be someone you trust. He or she is your partner through this process. You need to have faith in his or her ability to help you get to where you want to be.

The key to getting the right lawyer for you is finding someone you can trust, rely on, and who will be your advocate, regardless of the process you are using.

Stay tuned for Part II of this series for Four Tips to consider when deciding on the best lawyer for you!

Share your thoughts online at Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Getting the Right Fit For You (Part I)

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Getting the Right Fit for You (Part II)
• Choosing a Divorce Lawyer – Helping or Hurting?
• Achieving a Better Divorce – Part III – Choosing the Right Professionals for You

There are a number of quotes that have inspired me over the years and provided encouragement to truly live into this “noble” profession, and I wanted to share them with you in this post. I continue to work toward that paradigm shift, when these ideas will be the norm. I know the tipping point is near!

“My joy was boundless. I had learned the true practice of law. I had learned to find out the better side of human nature and to enter people’s hearts. I realized that the true function of a lawyer was to unite parties riven asunder. The lesson was so indelibly burned into me that a large part of my time during the twenty years of my practice as a lawyer was occupied in bringing about private compromises of hundreds of cases. I lost nothing thereby–not even money, certainly not my soul.”
M. K. Gandhi

“Discourage litigation. Persuade neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often the real loser in fees, expenses, and a waste of time. As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of becoming a good person.”
Abraham Lincoln

And, finally. . . .

“It is high time that we lawyers, whose calling is to serve justice at minimum cost to our clients and to society, should have some members who specialize in the amicable settlement of differences.”
Roger Fisher

Whether you are a lawyer reading these words or not, I hope they are as encouraging and inspirational to you as they are to me. As I told a client this week who was extremely distrustful of all lawyers and the legal system (and she had her reasons), “Not ALL lawyers are bad. Most lawyers really want to help people. Some are just misled about the best way to accomplish that.”

Like I said, the tipping point….. we’re getting there!

Share your thoughts online at Divorce Lawyers: Hello Noble Profession?

I’m interested in using the collaborative process for my divorce. The problem is, I can’t get my husband’s attention. He’s in total denial that this is happening, and just will not discuss it with me.  I am so ready to move forward with this. What can I do?

This is a great question and one I have just dealt with recently. My client, Mary, came to see me a few months ago for a consultation. We went over her situation and her options, and she clearly expressed an interest in using the collaborative process. Her concern, though, was that her husband, Joe, was drinking a lot, not home very much, and she didn’t know how or when she would be able to talk to him about this option.

We were able to come up with a couple of ideas for ways she could present this to him, and this will also answer the reader’s question.  Here are the steps we planned:

1. I gave her a brochure about collaboration that she could give to him. The plan was for her to find a good time to talk when she could tell him that she had met with me and that she wanted to use the collaborative process in their divorce and why (to protect their children, protect their assets, keep the peace, etc.).  She would give him the information and ask him to contact a collaborative attorney as well.
2. When he didn’t respond to this conversation, I then sent him a letter, telling him that Mary had been to see me and that she wanted to use the collaborative process and avoid litigation. I also sent him a list of collaborative attorneys and asked him to let me know if he would be making an appointment with one of them for his own consultation.
3. After three weeks went by with no response, Mary called me, quite exasperated, not knowing what to do next. We decided that I would send one more letter to see if he would respond. This time, he wouldn’t even open the letter.
4. Mary now had the option of waiting and being patient for a while longer or taking some action.  If you have read The Four Divorces, you understand they were in different places in the Emotional Divorce. If you haven’t read it, take a minute to download it now. I think you’ll find it helpful. Since Mary had concerns about some financial decisions Joe was making, she felt she couldn’t wait any longer. I prepared the paperwork to file the divorce, set a hearing, and got a process server ready to serve the papers on Joe.
5. But we weren’t giving up.  I prepared another letter to Joe to be served with the paperwork, telling him that Mary still wanted to use the collaborative process, and if he were interested, then I would cancel the hearing scheduled and withdraw the court case.

Guess what happened? As the process server was heading up the road to file the documents, I received a call from another collaborative attorney in town that he had just met with Joe and Joe was on board with collaboration. My client was thrilled! I was too.  And I was so proud of her.

What did she do to allow this to work out this way? She was patient but persistent, and she was kind but firm. And Joe got the message that something was going to happen here, and fortunately he saw that he had a choice as well in how this would go.

This is just one plan of helping to bring a reluctant spouse to the collaboration table, and it worked. Each case is different. The important thing to know is that there are ways to get your spouse on board with collaboration. Sometimes it just takes …. patience but persistence….. and kindness but firmness. Way to go Mary!

Share your thoughts online at Collaborative Divorce: Enrolling the Reluctant Spouse

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Announcing New Ebook-Anatomy of a Collaborative Divorce
• Collaborative Divorce v. Litigation
• Collaborative Divorce – Splitting Up But Staying Whole

Looks like they are polar opposites, doesn’t it?  What do you think?

Collaborative Divorce:

1. Communication is open, honest, and shared.
2. There is no blaming and no fault finding.
3. The process is future focused – what do we want for ourselves and our children down the road?
4. The attitude is assertive.
5. Clients are empowered to solve problems with the other client.
6. They attack the problems.
7. They create choices for mutual gain.
8. They create solutions acceptable to both.
9. There is dignity.
10. A continuing relationship is important to both.

Litigation:

1. Communication is guarded, secretive, deceptive and strategic.
2. There is blaming and fault finding.
3. The process is past focused – who did what to whom?
4. The attitude is aggressive and defensive rather than assertive.
5. The lawyers are responsible for solving problems and for solutions.
6. The clients attack each other rather than the problems.
7. They consider only choices which will advance their own position.
8. They win big or lose big.
9. There are battle scars.
10. Alienation occurs.

Have you experienced either a collaborative divorce or a litigated divorce?  If so, do these ten points ring true for your experience?

Share your thoughts online at Collaborative Divorce v. Litigation

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in:

• Collaborative Divorce – Splitting Up But Staying Whole
• Collaborative Divorce: Enrolling the Reluctant Spouse
• Announcing New Ebook-Anatomy of a Collaborative Divorce