Gracelings

Adoption Ethics: Why I write about it

2013-03-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yirgalem, Ethiopia
March 2013
Photo Credit: Bridget McGann

Because I have an obligation to my daughter and her Mother.

Because too many children, first families and adoptive families have been hurt by unethical adoption practices.

Because I want to be a voice for the voiceless.

Because we all do better when we listen to victims of crime.

Because I want to be an ally.

Because every child deserves better than what the current adoption system allows.

Because I talk about adoption, and ethics cannot be divorced from that experience.

Because I have hope that the adoption system can be changed to meet the needs of children who need a permanent, loving, prepared and supported/supportive family.

Because I'm tired of being told that adoption conferences and online adoption forums are not the right environment to talk about adoption ethics.

Because hiding, minimalizing, or marginalizing stories of adoption fraud and corruption sends the message that they don't matter.

Because once my eyes were opened, I found I could not keep silent.

Because "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." (MLK)

Why do you talk about adoption ethics? If you aren't talking about adoption ethics, why not?

Me, Elsewhere

2013-03-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

I guest posted on my friend Jamie's blog over at I Am Not The Babysitter.

Go check it out! Let me know what you think.

I'll Fly Away (Oh, Glory!)

2013-02-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

Crater Lake, Ethiopia
September, 2008

One week from today, I will be on my way to Ethiopia! I am so excited to be working with Jamie on projects for the Fayye Foundation. I will also be visiting with Anna's family in their hometown. To be honest, I'm not sure which part of the trip I am most excited about (okay, Anna's family may win that one:)

One of the reasons I absolutely love the work of Fayye Foundation is that they are working to preserve families by empowering women. At the heart of the so-called "orphan crisis" is the separation of children from their mother. This may be due to death, poverty, or social stigmas. In most cases, these separations are preventable.

Crater Lake, Ethiopia
September, 2008

Fayye Foundation's first major project has been a clean water partnership with Waves for Water. I am excited that part of my time will be spent delivering and installing clean water filters in the Sidama region! This is a topic that is very close to my heart; my friend, Laura, recently discovered just how important clean water is in preserving families and preventing children from being orphaned. It's not too late to help: you can donate towards clean water filters here.

We will also be working to establish other critical partnerships in the Sidama region. We hope to bring you some exciting opportunities to help preserve families and empower women when we return!

Evolution in Dissolution

2013-02-18T09:08:00.000-05:00

Via quapan on Flickr

Dissolution. The severing of all legal ties after an adoption has been finalized.
Disruption. The severing of the relationship between child and prospective adoptive parents before the adoption has been finalized.

In the world of international adoption, most people use the word "disruption" to describe a severing of legal ties between child and adoptive parents after the child has entered the US. And it may be the hottest topic in IA.

Like most PAPs, when I began my journey to adopt a child from Ethiopia back in 2007, I was more than a bit naive. I had rose colored glasses, and I believed my agency when they said that young children in Ethiopia, where care was intimate and care givers were loving, where children spent only a short time in institutional care, where incidence of FAS and child abuse were low... well, those young children didn't develop attachment problems. The adoption agencies mitigated risk factors, kids were primed for family bonding, and all the children who had been placed thus far were doing tremendously well. Naivety at it's height.

So when I first learned about an Ethiopian adoption that was being disrupted, I was outraged. How could the parents do that? How could they give up on their child... abandon the child all over again? Why didn't they try harder? Why did they even bother to adopt in the first place if they didn't plan to love their child forever? I think most people experience this confusion and intense emotions when they first start to learn about disruptions in IA. Didn't you?

Now, several years down the road, with actual adoptive parenting experience under my belt, and relationships with all sorts of parents and children who have struggled with attachment after adoption, I think I am starting to get it.

I understand that any child who has experienced the trauma of separation from their birth mother- whether they can consciously remember the loss or not- has the potential to have difficulty trusting and attaching. I know that nothing, not even really excellent care in a private care center, makes up for parents. I know that children in Ethiopia can be victims of abuse, neglect, and prenatal exposures just like children anywhere else in the world. I know that children who have suffered trauma and abuse can act out, and that they could have been victimized before even entering care. I know that fraud and corruption in adoption often makes the existing issues worse. I know that when you combine 2 un-related adopted children into one family, the needs of the children may be greater than what any parents can meet. I know that adoptive parents can also suffer from attachment problems. I know that optimism and hope for the future are not enough to make an adoption work.

So now I can at least understand why parents sometimes get to the point where they feel that the child cannot remain in their home or part of their family. Sometimes kids have needs that APs cannot meet. Sometimes APs cannot love a child the way they thought they could. And as gut-wrenching as that is, sometimes those barriers cannot be overcome. (Sometimes they can. Often they can.)

But despite my cerebral understanding of why families arrive at the choice to disrupt an adoption, I confess that emotionally, my heart still sinks and I start to feel sick when I hear of a family disrupting their international adoption. I just seems so unfair. Unfair to a child who has suffered so much already. Unfair to the family who surely went into the adoption with good intentions. Unfair to all the other adopted children who may see that family's disruption and question their own stability within their family. And frankly, it just doesn't seem right.

*****

Via blmiers2 on Flickr

When my heart travels down that road of injustice, there is only one thought that can set me back on the right trajectory. It's such a simple thought that I'm sure you've thought of it already. It's so obvious that surely I was blind not to see it before. On the road map of injustice, it's the superhighway clearly marked "Justice."

What is in the best interest of the child?

When you re-frame the question of dissolution in that way, suddenly a lot of the confusion is gone. Is it right for a child to remain in a family that feels they cannot trust him? Is it right for a child to constantly be reminded of the ways she has destroyed relationships in the past? Is it right for a child to be parented by people who he may never learn to trust? Is it right for a child to be denied the opportunity to heal, grow, and thrive simply because some well-intentioned adult petitioned a foreign government to grant them parenthood of the child?

When I look at the issue from that mindset, it becomes clear that in cases where APs feel they cannot or will not meet the needs of the child, it is in the best interest of the child to be placed into a family that can meet their needs. Period. It's easy to pick apart and blame the APs for the failure of the adoption, to blame the agency for failing the child by approving the adoption or lacking post-placement support, and sometimes even to blame the child for behaviors and emotional scars. But at the end of the day, pointing fingers doesn't help anyone, most certainly not the child.

At the end of the day, children deserve a loving family where they can heal, grow, and become. If their first adoptive placement is not able to provide that for them, even though it will constitute more loss and possibly even feelings of rejection for the child, I believe it is in the best interest of the child be to re-homed into a family that can provide the necessary healing environment.

What do you think? What are your thoughts about disrupting international adoptions?

"Culture of Adoption"?

2013-02-15T09:04:00.000-05:00

When I wrote about the STUCK Documentary (and why I won't be seeing it), I used a phrase that gave me pause. "Culture of adoption". What does that mean?

Stop and think about that for a second. Or two. I'll wait.

Photo by Kami7 on Flickr

When I really started thinking about it, I discovered I couldn't really say what a "culture of adoption" was. But it didn't sit right with me. It felt off. To be honest, it felt like it was the exact opposite of what I would like to nurture: a culture of family preservation.

What does a "culture of family preservation" mean? Well, I think it's hard for many of us to understand it, because for most of us living in Westernized countries (especially here in the US), our culture is so entrenched in family preservation that we can hardly recognize that it is a foundational belief in the way our country operates and our values as individuals and families.

A "culture of family preservation" says:

It is normative for parents to keep their children, regardless of how bad circumstances get. It is not acceptable for children to be placed into institutions; they belong in families.
Poverty is not a valid reason for a parent to relinquish a child. If you cannot afford to raise your child, we will provide you with WIC, food stamps, TANF and other social welfare programs to keep your family intact.
Social stigmas are not a valid reasons to separate a child from their family. Single parents and unmarried parents are capable of raising a child, and a child from a non-traditional family is no less valuable than children from a traditional families.
Parental or children's health problems are not a valid reason to separate families. Health care is a basic human right, and programs exist to provide health care to families so that they can remain intact. A health diagnosis carried by a parent or a child does not decrease the value of the family or determine that parent and child should be separated.
When immediate families cannot remain intact, it is normative for extended family (and close friends) to bridge the gap in caring for children. Grandparents, aunt, uncles, adult siblings, and close friends are called upon to care for children if the mother or father is unable to do so. This is often done informally.
When children cannot remain in the care of their parents, the formal systems in place to care for that child (foster care) have the goal of re-unification. While re-unification is not always possible, parents are given multiple opportunities to change themselves and their circumstances to meet the goal. If re-unification is not possible, maintaining contact with first family members and/or the child's community is encouraged (to the extent that it is safe for the child.)
If children cannot be maintained in their family or community of origin, multiple steps are take to ensure that a new family will be preserved, including:

Thoroughly assessing the child's physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual needs and clearly communicating those to prospective families
Thoroughly assessing a family's culture, resources, and ability to meet the child's needs to ensure the family can meet the needs of the child
Preparing families for the special needs of a new child through education, training, and resources
Providing families and children with resources and on-going assistance after placement

While the US and other Westernized nations do not always perform each of these individual tasks perfectly, it is clear that preserving families is normative in most* situations. It's not that adoption is not a valid option, or isn't "supported", it's just that alternative options are exhausted before exploring adoption.

"Ageless Love" by paulbence on Flickr

So, what does a "culture of adoption" look like? Well, I don't know, but here are some of my guesses.

A "culture of adoption" says":

When children cannot be maintained in their birth families, adoption is a viable solution to keep children out of institutions and in families.
There are many reasons why children cannot be maintained in their birth families. These problems are often bigger than any individual can solve, so the focus of efforts is placing children into adoptive families as soon as they are unable to remain in their birth family.
It is better for a child to be placed into an adoptive family quickly than remain in institutionalized care while re-unification efforts are explored.
Adoption is based on love. As long as adoptive parents are willing to love their new child, everything will work out. If adoptive parents feel prepared to parent a child, there is little reason why that child should not be placed with them.

Now, maybe I'm misunderstanding what "culture of adoption" means, but every time I hear that phrase or a phrase similar to it, this is what I see expressed. And frankly, while I "believe in adoption", and I do think it is a good choice for some kiddos, I can't get on board with a "culture of adoption." I just can't. To me, it feels dismissive of the needs of the child, the importance of the birth family, and the trauma of the adoption process.

To take it a step further, I don't think that a "culture of family preservation" and a "culture of adoption" can co-exist. You can't have both simultaneously; they are contradictory- opposites. It's like saying you are nurturing both a culture of daytime and a culture of nighttime. It just doesn't work.

What's your take? What does "culture of adoption" mean to you? Can a "culture of adoption" and a "culture of family preservation" co-exist? What does that look like?

*Infant domestic adoptions, especially agency-assisted adoptions which place intense pressure on pregnant mothers, are a clear way that the US does not perfectly maintain a "culture of family preservation." But that's a whole other can of worms.

STUCK Documentary? 5 Reasons it's not for me.

2013-02-13T15:19:00.000-05:00

If you are involved in the international adoption circle, even remotely, you will probably be seeing promotions for STUCK: The Documentary. The following trailer was released a few days ago.

STUCK TRAILER from Both Ends Burning Campaign on Vimeo.

I don't plan to watch. Here's 5 reasons why:

1. Both Ends Burning exists to promote adoption and create a "culture of adoption" through social change and policy change. While I agree that adoption can be a good option for children, I find it problematic to promote international adoption (IA) instead of alternative, child-focused solutions such as family preservation, reunification, and domestic adoption. The efforts of BEB appear to focus solely on ways to increase IA.

Additionally, the BEB website misrepresents facts about IA to manipulate the reader into believing that children are languishing in orphanages for years and years because of ineffective systems. It is true that some children do spend a disgusting amount of time in institutions. They absolutely do not belong there. But while many IA systems do have seemingly un-necessarily long waits for the prospective adoptive parents, the truth is that most children placed through IA are still under 2 years of age at placement. The children who are spending extensive periods of time in institutions are there mainly because they are the children least likely to be adopted abroad. They are over age 5, often with siblings, health concerns, and social histories that will require intensive parenting in the home.

2. The Board of Directors consists almost exclusively of APs, without a voice from adult adoptees, birth families, or anyone who is a specialist in adoption ethics. One member of the board is the president of a large adoption agency, while several other also benefit financially from the adoption industry through books they have written or other projects with which they are involved. It seems to be a conflict of interest to have those who are directly benefiting from IA promote IA as a child-centered solution.

3. STUCK is a documentary produced by BEB. I have not seen this film, so this is just my opinion based on what I can read and see online. The BEB website is explicit that the purpose of the film is "to help the average person understand the issues and create a movement that will ultimately put pressure on U.S. officials to force a more supportive attitude toward International Adoption."

Again, while I believe IA is a good option for some children who need it, I don't think that we should be seeking to increase the number of adoptions. Rather, we should be seeking to preserve existing families. I also don't think APs/PAPs should be pressuring the government to speed things up in IA when we have so much evidence of corruption and illegal/unethical practices happening in many different IA programs (particularly Ethiopia and Vietnam, both of which are featured countries in this film). If anything, PAPs/APs should be pushing the government to promote more ethical and transparent IA programs. This likely won't be faster, but it will be better: for the birth families, for children, and ultimately for prospective adoptive parents.

The film purports to follow the difficulties of children trying to unite with adoptive parents, but from my understanding, it doesn't address the complex issues that made these children available for adoption. The BEB states they are attempting to increase IA for children without parents. The website also states that "STUCK steps into the complex human experience of adoption, exploring the challenges faced by birth parents, prospective adoptive parents- and children." Does anyone else question how the challenges of birth parents are being addressed if the film is focusing on adoption for children without parents?

I do not see any evidence that this film addresses the systemic issues in adoption: the corruption, fraud, trafficking, and other unethical behaviors happening in-country; lack of support and options for birth families; the red tape of the immigration hoops on the US government side; lack of post-placement support for families Instead, it strikes me that this film is more about the length of time it takes to complete an international adoption. This film is about making the IA process faster.

4. The objective of the STUCK tour is to gain 1 million signatures for a petition for International adoption reform. Frankly, the petition made me laugh. Not because I don't think reform in IA is needed (it desperately is!), but because this petition clearly exists to promote international adoption, not to examine what is in the best interest of children and how we can make that a reality.

5. Frank Garrott, President and CEO of Gladney Center for Adoption, has signed on as a board member of BEB and is promoting the film within his circle of adoption workers and PAPs/APs. Let's call this what it is: a strategic business move. If the President of Chevrolet joined the board of an organization seeking to increase new car ownership, we wouldn't be surprised because we recognize that as a strategic business alliance. When the same thing happens in the world of adoption, while it makes the same logical business sense, it just leaves me feeling yucky.

Children are not commodities, and international adoptions are not business deals. Adoption service providers should be held to higher standards than "business (profits) as usual." When dealing with vulnerable children, birth families and prospective adoptive parents/adoptive parents, the greatest of care and highest of ethical standards should be upheld.

Here's Momma C's reasons for not supporting this film. What about you?

Surfacing

2012-12-04T10:55:00.000-05:00

like to drown by Aimanness Photography on Flickr

I always thought if I was drowning, I would be the first to know. How hard can it be to realize that you are being overcome by a force more powerful than yourself? That waves and riptides have gained control of your body? That you no longer have the oxygen so vital to survival? That you can't find your way up and out of the crashing water?

And yet, there I was, drowning. Batting away the life savers and ignoring the rescuers trying to pluck me out of the water. Because I thought I knew what drowning felt like and I didn't feel like I was drowning.

********

When Abigail was a baby, I struggled with post-partum depression and anxiety. Out of nowhere, I would be overcome with tears. Every time I closed my eyes, I would envision something awful happening to Abigail or her father. My greatest fear was that I would watch Abigial die in front of me, helpless to do anything. I feared sleep, because every time I closed my eyes I would see my fears played out; my nightmares were so realistic that I would awaken convinced that Abigail's body would be lifeless in her crib.

Unlike some women who suffer from PPD, I never envisioned hurting my baby. It was the farthest thought from my mind. So even though I knew some of the symptoms of PPD, I never suspected that I was suffering in an unnecessary and unusual way. I thought that breaking into unexplainable tears, inability to sleep, extreme weight loss, and frequently racing heart were just "baby blues." But by the time Abigail was 8 weeks old, my sister was convinced I needed help. She talked me into seeing someone, and within minutes of meeting, the doctor knew something was wrong. I left holding a prescription for Zoloft, with a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe I would be able to sleep again one day.

Eventually, the medications started working. I could drift into sleep without visions of my baby's dead body lying in a pool of blood in the street burning in my eyes. Sleep made a huge difference, and the bouts of crying eased away. Soon after that I was able to find a bit of normalcy in my daily life. Eventually, I realized that I no longer was sucked into the depths of fear, anxiety, and depression. I went off my medication, and I was able to experience the normal ups and downs of life with a toddler.

Photo by heiressanj on Flickr

When I was a baby, I took swimming lessons. I was born in May and in the water by June. In fact, I took lessons every summer for the first few years of my life. I vaguely remember the diving board being sooo high, and having to open my eyes under water to count how many fingers the teacher held out. It was a good foundation, and I never felt scared around the water. As I grew up, I always felt like a strong swimmer. I never was a lifeguard or on the swim team, but I felt confident enough in my swimming to do whatever I felt like doing in the water... and haul friends to the dock or side of the pool when they couldn't make it themselves.

Surely, with my swimming abilities I would never be in danger around the water. Besides, with age came the wisdom to avoid stupid situations, like getting into the water without a lifeguard on duty or swimming out too far and being caught in a riptide. The few times that I felt that my swimming wasn't up to par were all times that I was attempting to help a friend who was not doing well in the water. I mean, strong swimmers don't drown, right?

its true by Josh Parrish on Flickr

From the moment I had that first positive pregnancy test, one of my big, unspoken fears was that I would lapse into the post-partum depression and anxiety that I experienced after Abigail's birth. Once JA was born, I held my breath, waiting to see what would happen. If I caught myself crying, I would quickly fight the feelings inside me and force myself to calm down. I vehemently denied any problems to the pediatrician and OB. My mom and my sister visited. Both of them questioned how I was doing emotionally, but compared to my experiences after Abigail's birth, I felt... okay. I didn't feel great, but I chalked it up to true "baby blues." John even said something, following through on a pact I had made with him that if I was acting like I was falling into PPD, he would intervene.

But I was unconvinced. I didn't have the same contributing factors that I had with Abigail. I could sleep. My hormones seemed to normalize. I wasn't constantly envisioning my baby's dead body. I refused to believe that PPD was controlling my life again.

Then, before I knew it, I was pregnant again. We moved across the country. I was put on bed rest. This wasn't PPD. This was just the normal emotional roller-coaster of all those stressors combining. Then my sweet Ava Joy was born. I had a quick physical recovery, and overall thought I was faring well emotionally. My family would ask questions, John often gave me the side-eye, but I thought I was doing okay... all things considered. I mean, how well can you expect me to do, really?

28.5 weeks pregnant with JA
August, 2010

The summer that I was pregnant with JohnAndrew, we went swimming frequently. I don't remember ever going swimming when I was pregnant with Abigail, and the sensation of my baby belly floating in the pool was fascinating. When I would lay back in the water, I would initially sink a little, then slowly, my body would be pulled upwards. My belly would break the surface of the water, then my feet and legs and arms. I would float on my back and feel like my belly was keeping my whole body afloat. That my baby was saving me.

Ava Joy
April, 2012

In the end, it was my baby that saved me.

After months and months of blaming everything on lack of sleep, I had a baby who slept soundly through the night, and nothing was changing. I wasn't in the depths of despair, like I had been with Abigail, but neither was I in a solid and strong place emotionally. I was fighting off the crashing waves, but it took so much energy to do so that I couldn't swim towards the shore. Every day was a struggle, fighting off the depression that was trying to pull me under. I was stuck. And I realized that I spent so much of my time and energy fighting depression that I was not able to move forward or do anything else.

I was not able to be the mother I wanted to be, because I simply didn't have the energy to be a mom and fight depression. I couldn't do both. And one night, as I rocked my sweet Ava Joy, I decided to stop trying to do both.

I got help. A life vest in the form of medication. The effects were evident within a week, even to John. It's been about 2 months since starting the meds, and while I still have bad days, I feel so much better, and my mothering has improved dramatically. Instead of fighting to stay afloat as waves of depression try to pull me under, I actually have the power to swim towards the shore. So I just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming....

PPD is a vile, ugly creature that can be debilitating. Unfortunately, it can also be hard to recognize. Please, don't hesitate to get help if you have any of the following symptoms more than 2 weeks after the birth of your baby, or if they interfere with your ability to care for your baby or manage the daily tasks of life:

Loss of appetite
Insomnia
Intense irritability and anger
Overwhelming fatigue
Loss of interest in sex
Lack of joy in life
Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
Severe mood swings
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Withdrawal from family and friends
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby*

Have you struggled with PPD? How did you find help?

*From MayoClinic.com

The Holy (Breastfed) Child

2012-11-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

Madonna and Child Guido Reni
Copyright North Carolina Museum of Art

In this season of Advent, please take a moment to remember that Jesus was breastfed.

This time of year should be joyous, but for the new nursing mom, it can be so hard, so exhausting. For the breastfeeding mom who is relegated to a back bedroom at Christmas parties or stays home because she feels as though she cannot breastfeed her babe around others, this season can also be lonely.

It shouldn't be that way. Show some love to breastfeeding moms. Support them.

Flashback Friday

2012-08-31T08:30:00.000-05:00

JohnAndrew

22 months

August, 2012

Sometimes, we all need to be reminded of the Bathroom Rules.

Christians Should Be Outraged Over Marriage (in)Equality

2012-08-27T23:54:00.000-05:00

Via Jenni + Karen + Jadon on Flickr

Gay Marriage.

Civil Unions.

Marriage Equality.

Via Feastoffun on Flickr

Seems like you can't go a single day without hearing these terms in the news. The most recent stats I've seen say that about 50% of Americans are in favor of legalizing gay marriage. As a nation, we are pretty much split on this issue.

When examining marriage equality beliefs along religious divides, Protestants are less likely than Catholics to approve. Protestants who attend services weekly are even less likely to approve of gay marriage.

As a self-identified Protestant Christian who attends services weekly (and recently joined the choir, can you believe it?), I am telling you, these numbers should rile people up! This entire issue should rile people up! In fact, Christians should be outraged over marriage inequality!

If there's one thing that most Christians- Catholic or Protestant- believe about marriage, it is that marriage is a sacred practice. For Catholics marriage is a sacrament. For Protestants, marriage is a sacred covenant between God, man, and wife.

Via andrewmalone on Flickr

Except for the denominations where it is a sacred covenant between God and wife and wife, or God and husband and husband.

Episcopal and Presbyterian ministers may bless gay unions. The United Church of Christ has been legally recognizing and advocating for gay marriages since 2005. And some ministers within the United Methodist Church have become part of the Reconciling Ministries Network and perform gay marriages. As a Church, we are pretty much split on this issue.

But whether your church or denomination supports gay marriage or not, there is one thing we should all agree about and support:

It's time for the government to get out of our churches!

The government should have no say in who may marry and who may not.*

Via darcyandkat on Flickr

Marriage has certain legal rights and responsibilities associated with it. The government needs a way for you to designate your legal next of kin, beneficiary, tax partner, and whatnot. There needs to be order and records because marriage plays a role in division of property and assets, child custody, and any other number of issues if the marriage is dissolved. I get that- it can't be a free for all!

But why should the government be granting licenses to engage in a religious sacrament or covenant? Who is the government to tell me how and when I can take communion or be baptized? Who is the government to tell me who and when I can marry?

See, the marriage license is the issue, here. Marriage licenses have traditionally been used to restrict marriage: by preventing interracial marriages; by limiting marriage of immigrants (who may not have the proper identification needed to obtain a license); by placing marriage out of the economic grasp of the poor (fees for the license plus testing in some areas!). It's ridiculous!

Via Nate C on Flickr

So, what is the solution?

I think religious institutions should practice their beliefs about marriage as they see fit, without interference from the State, whether that is man and wife, wife and wife, husband and husband, or husband and wife and wife and wife. Religious (or non-religious, for those who chose) expression should not be hindered by the State. For legal purposes, couples may register their marriage (or union, whatever they want to call it) with the State, and be granted specific rights and responsibilities between two** people. Those who do not wish the rights and responsibilities do not have to register their commitment, but will forfeit all protections and benefits.

Then the debate over gay marriage can move to where it should be- our churches! And all citizens will be granted the same rights and responsibilities for their registered unions.

Doesn't this just make sense? What do you think? And what on Earth does this mean about my political affiliation?!?!

*As a nation, we believe in the legal age of consent (18, younger with parent approval in some states.) I support that as one condition/clause that should remain in place.

** Yes, only two for the rights and responsibilities, as I don't think the government should be paying survivor benefits or trying to figure out legal next of kin between multiple spouses.

Things left unsaid: a hypothetical Q&A

2012-08-24T15:17:00.000-05:00

When I guest posted about Christians, adoption ethics, and God's call over at Jamie's blog, I never, ever imagined it would be as controversial as it was. Ever. It seemed to me that all Christians would agree that, especially as Christ-followers, we should be above reporach in our adoptions, and we should do everything in our power to ensure an ethical adoption process.

via JosephGilberts.org on Flickr

I still fail to see how that can be a controversial view. Please, someone, show me where in the Bible God or Jesus said to do unethical or immoral things in order to accomplish his will?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

There were some lovely, supportive, understanding comments, and I cannot tell you how encouraging and refreshing it is to hear other Christians stand up and say no to unethical practices in their adoption process. But, there were also a lot of ignorant, mean, hurtful, comments directed at me, both on the post and through private means. I tried to educate the ignorant, ignore the mean and hurtful, and focus as much of the comments on ethics as possible. That was my goal in writing the post. That was my goal in the comment section. But that's not my goal here.

Right now, I'm going to respond to those comments, and I am going to explain myself a bit more. The easiest way I can think to do this is through a very schizophrenic self-moderated question and answer post. The Qs are what I imagine (or have actually read) my detractors saying. The As are me. Here goes.

Q: You are a real piece of work for moderating my comment! And that title is just an attention-seeking tactic!
A: I had nothing to do with comment moderation and have not seen any of the comments that were not published. It is my policy here at gracelings to not moderate comments on new posts unless they 1) violate my or another's privacy (such as posting an address, last name, etc) 2) use foul or abusive language 3) are clearly personal attacks that do not add to the discussion (such as someone who comments "you are just an angry adoptive mother!" Um, actually, I'm not really angry. And I'm far more than "just" an adoptive mother. But thanks for trying to label me and put me in a box! DELETE!) or 4) are on posts older than 14 days (this is mainly so that I can make sure to see any personal messages if they are there.)

I also had nothing to do with the title of the post.

Q: Why do you hate adoption?!
A: I don't hate adoption. I hate unethical practices in adoption.

Q: There's little to no evidence of unethical adoption practices in Ethiopia! They are certified, so unethical practices would rarely be able to occur!
A: Ethiopia is not a Hague signatory. Even if they were, being a signatory country does not ensure that unethical practices do not occur. It may decrease unethical practices, but it doesn't eliminate them. That's like saying just because there is a speed limit, people don't speed. Uhhh, right.

Further, because Ethiopia lacks infrastructure and for a myriad of other reasons including the paternalistic values of the society, unethical practices can occur with ease. There is a plethora of evidence of unethical practices. If you fail to see that, I haven't got much else to say.

Q: If people use good (Christian) agencies, their adoption will be ethical!
A: The potential for unethical practices is far beyond the reach of the adoption agency, although they certianly can play a role. In my case, the unethical adoption practices we discovered were, I believe, outside of the control and knowledge of our agency, and were certainly nothing that I could possibly have prevented. I have many friends who have independently investigated their adoption and found unethical practices, even though their adoption process itself was ethical. For instance, a friend recounted that their private investigation showed a very ethical process, yet the agency lied to the birth mother when she sought out information about her child 2 years post-adoption.

While there are certianly some agencies who have a history of engaging in known unethical practices and some who tend to have a better record, the point is that chosing an ethical agency is simply not enough to ensure an ethical adoption.

Q: Sometimes it's better to tell a few white lies so that children can have families and not languish in orphanages.
A: Really? Believe me, I have struggled with this. But I cannot ever imagine standing before God on the Judgement Day and saying "well, I thought ~~lying~~ sinning was okay because that child needed a family!" Can you?

Via DFID on Flickr

Q: Your stance is going to discourage people from adopting!
A: My stance may discourage people who do not care about ethical adoptions from pursuing an adoption. I'm okay with that. Actually, I kind of hope that happens.

If people are willing to do the hard work of ensuring an ethical adoption, I believe these kinds of conversations will help them in making wise choices. These conversations will encourage them that, even knowing what I know and being very skeptical, I do believe ethical adoptions (from Ethiopia and elsewhere) are possible. For me, that would be encouraging, and I would throw myself into learning what I needed to do to make sure my process was ethical.

But anyone who is scared of adopting because of what they read at that post probably shouldn't be adopting anyway. If talking about ethics- the good, the bad, and the ugly- scares you, then I'm going to say adoption just isn't a good fit for you. Because the world of adoption is full of ethical dilemmas, not just during your process, but for the entire length of time you call yourself a parent to an adopted child.

Q: There are lots of kids in Ethiopia that really need homes!
A: Correct. There are lots of children in Ethiopia that need homes. Most of them need to be reunited with their first families and empowered to stay in their original homes. Many of them need to be adopted into the communities that love them, that know their history, their story, their culture. Some of them need to be placed into permanent, loving foster families. And a few of them need international families to adopt them.

Q: Well, some of those kids that need adoptive families are young, healthy infants! How can you say that you don't support adoption for those sweet innocent babies?!?!?!
A: Some sweet, healthy, innocent babies will become available for adoption. Efforts to keep them in their first families will fail for a variety of reasons. I believe all children- regardless of age, sweetness, health status, or any other indicator- deserve to be placed into a loving, permanent family as soon as possible if efforts to maintain them in their family of origin fail.

It's really easy for me, though, to say that I personally would not feel comfortable adopting a young, healthy infant. Here's why: currently, the average wait with any agency that is remotely ethical is 2-3 years for a young healthy child. That means parents who are choosing to adopt young, healthy infants are actually waiting for their future referral to be born. They are waiting for an orphan to be created. Yet, the orphanages and care centers are already full of children who need families (see the question directly above this).

I would not feel comfortable waiting for a child to be born, waiting for an orphan to be created, when there are thousands and thousands of children who are already waiting for a family. When we adopt, we do so because there are children who need families, and we are a family that wants children. I would not feel comfortable ignoring the children who are presently in need of a family just so that I could get a young healthy infant at some future date.

There are also the supply and demand issues in IA.. you know, when you create a huge demand for a certain type of child, the system will bend (and eventually break) trying to fulfill that desire. I think there is truth in that, and even if I were able to ensure that my process was totally ethical, I would not feel comfortable adding to the list of PAPs waiting for a child that fit their "order." Maybe you feel comfortable with that, and you have good reasons for ignoring the waiting children in favor of a child who has not yet been conceived, let alone orphaned.

But I don't.

Via Rita Willaert on Flickr

Q: Just because we don't feel equipped to adopt an older or special needs child does not mean we shouldn't adopt!
A: True. Very true.

But please remember, no matter how young or healthy your child is when they come home, you don't know what the future holds. I think most people convince themselves that a young healthy baby will not have attachment or health issues. That may be. Or, that child may very well have attachment issues or develop health issues down the road. In my experience (and I am not an expert), I've seen older and SN children without attachment issues and almost no "surprise" health issues, and I've seen babies who develop severe attachment disorders and have all sorts of health issues. You just don't know what's going to happen.

The way I see it is every adopted child has special needs that most biological children do not have, and if you do not feel prepared to deal with those needs--- if you aren't prepared to accept any other issues that may come along--- you shouldn't be adopting. But if you do feel that you are prepared for those special needs, why not consider a child whose needs are documented, rather than a child whose needs will be a surprise? Don't let fear of attachment or health issues keep you from considering a child who is waiting right now for a home.

Q: You are still basically saying that infant adoptions are unethical. Well, guess what. Adopting an older child, waiting child, or special needs child doesn't ensure an ethical adoption!
A: No, I'm not saying that healthy infant adoptions are always unethical. Not at all. And you are right, older children, waiting children, and special needs children do not an ethical adoption make! Every person who chooses to adopt must be willing to do the hard work of ensuring the ethics of their adoption. Period. (see also: my point in my original post and here)

In truth, I am not sure I would start an Ethiopian adoption for any child at this point in time. I can think of one or two circumstances (such as if Anna's biological sibling/cousin became available for adoption and I could not manage to provide family preservation services to them) where I would move forward, but for the most part, being very risk averse, I just wouldn't right now. The corruption is only part of it. The instability of the program, the impending political changes, and ultimately, my lack of Peace are major deterrents.

Q: God called us to adoption, so I don't really care what you think about ethics or healthy infants or anything else! We are doing what God told us to do!
A: That's great. I'm sure you will also not ignore the command in Eph. 5:15 to be wise, not unwise in how you live. The command to be blameless and pure in Phil 2:15. And the word to look after orphans (not children who actually have families, but actual orphans) in James 1:27. Good job. Let me know if you need help learning how to have an ethical adoption process.

Via Rita Willaert on Flickr

Q: Why did you bash [name retracted] and [event name retracted]? She is a Godly woman and I really had a great time at that conference!
A: I purposely did not name names, because I was not trying to bash an individual, but rather point out how even Godly, Christian women can be blinded to the need of discussing ethics. I believe the woman is very well-meaning. I believe the retreat is very encouraging to many. That was not my experience. She and I have, since the time of the original post, privately communicated further about the events of that weekend. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and agree to call her response a miscommunication.

That miscommunication fueled a lot of negativity in the comments. People were drawing all sorts of assumptions about me, her, the conference, adoption, motives, and who knows what else, based on that little miscommunication.

This seems to happen a lot when people discuss hard topics. Like ethics or racism. Most people, I believe, tend to take a "what you did" conversation and turn it into a "who you are" conversation. I think that happened on my post (and in the comments.) But that was never, ever what the post was about.

Saying that there are ethical concerns does not mean that I am saying that you are unethical or your adoption process was tainted. Just like if I say "hey, that remark sounded really racist," I am not saying you are racist. I can't see your heart and know your true feelings about race any more than I know the details of your process or child's history. But I can see evidence of corruption. I can see that there are Christians who will use the call to adopt to excuse unethical practices. I can see that there are many Christians who do not want to have these conversations. But that doesn't mean that I am saying your adoption- past, present, or future- is unethical.

I could tell story after story of people who have told me, and others who speak up for ethical adoptions, that in effect, Christians who are called to adopt need to "just obey God and go get their baby and not worry about all that evil stuff because God will protect them from it." I don't buy into the belief that as long as we pray and trust God, that we have no responsibility to do anything else to ensure our adoptions are ethical. We have every responsibility, every duty, every obligation to stand up and talk and learn and do everything we can to be above reproach.

So there you have it! I'd love to know what you're thinking now (assuming you've made it this far and I haven't totally bored you with my opinions:)

Do you agree? Why? Think I'm way off? Tell me about it.

I wrote

2012-08-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

Today I had the privilege of guest posting over at Jamie's blog. It's not every day a girl gets to write for a TIME cover model! Go check it out and let me know what you think!

Guest Post Follow Up: Q&A

2012-08-17T10:41:00.000-05:00

Ugandan Child via PeterJBellis on Flickr

A few weeks ago I shared one of the most important posts I have ever had the privilege of running on this blog. Today I wanted to share some follow-up Q&A, reader questions that Amy* has answered.

How did you talk to your children about this process?
My children are young and it was hard to explain fully the situation. We shared with them as much as we could in an age-appropriate manner, throughout the entire adoption process. In our home we pray about everything and therefore, this situation with our adoption was a great teaching opportunity to show my kids that we can take our worries and concerns to God and talk to Him about them. We were honest with our kids, allowing them to understand that there are hard aspects to adoption and that not everyone involved in the adoption process has pure motives. They were able to see that God is in control even if things do not turn out as we hope!

How do your children feel about it now?
I think they, as do my husband and I, still feel a sense of sadness and even a bit like "it's not fair we didn't get to bring a child home from UG" -- which is a lot how I feel, too. I also know they have expressed to me (as they've heard me communicate the same thoughts) that they are happy and thankful that the little guy is safely back with his birthmom! Ultimately, knowing God is in charge and that He truly does work things out according to His plan, not ours!

Uganda_2 via matt-lucht on Flickr

How do you feel now? What are your future plans?
Overall, I think the main thing I feel is peace and I am SO grateful that I can say that! Still though, when I am at the grocery store and I see a young little boy running around, my heart feels pain so deep I have to try not to cry most times.... but God is healing me and I am confident that He will show us what He has for us next!

I do see orphan care in our future... I don't think I could ever be done fighting for the orphan and the vulnerable. I don't know if that will include an adoption for our family or not. But I am learning more about and interested in foster care, older child adoption, SN adoption, and being a voice for those who do not have one! In the meantime I desire to share our story, and hopefully use our pain for good.

So, if your agency was so horrible, what is a good Ugandan adoption agency?
I do believe there are ethical, "good" agencies out there, but let's not forget that agencies are a business 1st and like all businesses, need to profit (financially, increase clients, market their name, etc) in order to stay in business. All agencies will tell you what you want to hear, and most of the times when you get a list from the agency to call you are going to be calling families who have been pleased with the agency -- not very impartial information.

I think a great resource is the Yahoo group that reviews adoption agencies. Of course, you will find positive and negative reviews on there (some dated as well) but it's a good resource to begin with to receive non-biased information.

I would be leery of any agency that helps with the adoption process in any country that makes promises that just shouldn't be made (and that can't be legally, ethically kept) -- "we will find the the itty-ist, bitty-ist baby we can", "we have a quick, painless process", "we will refer you an infant within a month of signing a contract with us", "we can help you bring home a child by such and such date", "our adoption fees are the lowest", etc.

I would NOT sign with an agency until you have asked them hard questions and received good, full answers to those questions. Too many times we asked our agency hard questions and they just couldn't answer (at least not with anything that made sense). It is critical that you can (rightly) feel peace with your adoption process and more importantly be able to give that gift to your child - the fact that you were sure their adoption process was ethical and necessary. For a list of questions to ask, use this resource.

Note from Grace: More adoption resources can be found on my tab above, Adoption Resources.

Kampala, Uganda via shackdwellersinternational on Flickr

How do you know that the boy and his mother are okay? Do you have ongoing contact with them?
I thankfully, have the confidence that the little boy and his mother are okay. We have committed to help economically empower them for a delegated amount of time (with accountability set in place). Although I would lying if I said they have suffered no repercussions from their decision. On more than one occasion they have not be safe. Can you imagine? Making a decision that in the long-run is best for you and your son and then having to deal with feeling threatened and unsafe?? Uganda adoption is lucrative and when you do something to mix that up, it will not be without consequences.

Fellow adoptive parents tell me that I will always hear from naysayers regarding IA ethics and that it's just Satan trying to stop it. I understand their point, but I still want to be cautious. What should I do?
Note from Grace: I absolutely believe God wants children in families, but it's the duty of the agency/PAP to insure the child being placed for adoption is truly in need of a family. That's not always what is happening, and that saddens me.

What if it's Satan blinding us Christian families, who are willing at any cost (all in the name of James 1:27) to adopt....?? The Lord gave us brains so we could work hard to be above reproach and to have done as much investigation as possible.... I don't think claiming ignorance will be excused forever! Reading scripture it's clear that the Lord desires justice for the vulnerable! We need to be sure that we are following Jesus' footsteps by caring for the vulnerable, the orphan, the widow, the refugee.... that doesn't always mean adoption!

If you have any remaining questions for Amy*, please comment, email, or let me know via the contact form!

Flashback Friday

2012-08-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Abigail, age 4.5

Harrisburg, PA

July, 2007

I'm not a fan of nightmares.

Flashback Friday

2012-07-27T08:30:00.000-05:00

Courtesy Allebach Photography

Anna, age 2

Lancaster, PA

April, 2009

Guest Post: Walking Away from Ugandan Adoption

2012-07-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

I have a dear friend who adopted internationally before I even considered starting my Ethiopian adoption. When I began seriously thinking about International Adoption, she was one of the first people I spoke with, asking about the process and her insights. In December, 2010 the tables were turned and she was questioning me about Ethiopian adoption! What fun!

Eventually, Amy* and Mark* decided to adopt from Uganda. I was so excited- for them, for their family to expand, for an orphan to have a family, and to have another precious African child coming into my circle of friends. Unfortunately, things didn't work out quite as planned. Last month, Amy and Mark officially announced that they were walking away from their Ugandan adoption. Here is their story.

*Names have been changed

Image Credit: mountaintrekker2001 on Flickr

Our pursuit to bring a child into our family, through the blessing of adoption from Uganda, has failed.

When we began the Ugandan adoption process over a year and a half ago, we knew that we desired to grow our family and to adopt a child who needed a home and a family. We were open to some special needs and were only approved to adopt a child ages 0-2, due to the fact that our youngest was 3 when we started this process (most agencies do not want families to adopt out of birth order). During the entire process we were referred 3 different children by our adoption agency, Little Miracles International in Texas, and ultimately each case did not work out.

Nursing Photos!

2012-07-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

My friend Kristin of Little Lion Photography took amazing maternity photos when I was expecting JohnAndrew. Since we were in Pennsylvania in June and early July, I asked her to take some family photos, and to get some nursing shots. I love breastfeeding my babies, yet I never seem to have any photos of my most precious memories! I wanted to make sure to preserve these moments.

I think she did a fantastic job.

Are you inspired to get your own nursing photos? Have you had them taken before?

Flashback Friday

2012-07-20T08:39:00.000-05:00

Wildwood Park

Harrisburg, PA

July, 2012

The one about the first time I told him I love him... and why it was a total FAIL.

Flashback Friday

2012-07-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

Abigail, age 3.5

Harrisburg, PA

August, 2006

Hoover Dam

2012-07-11T08:56:00.000-05:00

Last time, I asked you what you thought the highlight of our Vegas trip was. Let me end the suspense. Far and away, the best part of the trip was Hoover Dam.

I would definitely recommend the trip to the Dam to people of all ages, with the exception of toddlers or young children, unless you can keep them in a carrier or stroller while on the dam. John says I'm morbid, but I kept envisioning one of my babies going over the side. I'm glad Ava Joy was snuggled against me the whole time.

We loved touring the exhibit and learning about the building of the dam.

And you can't beat the scenery.

The intersection of such a naturally breathtaking location with a monumentally human innovation... it was amazing.

Perhaps most amazing was the way life came out of rock. Where there was nothing, fresh green leaves still found root. What a great reminder: in our hardest places, it's the cracks, the crevices, the breaks that let something new and fresh grow.

Have you been to the Hoover Dam?

Vegas, Baby!

2012-07-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Back at the end of February, John had a conference in Las Vegas, and Ava Joy and I joined him there.

What's a nursing mom with a 3 month old supposed to do in Vegas? Well, I don't gamble to begin with, and besides a glass of wine here or there, I couldn't drink. John was at his conference most of the day, so we couldn't go do things together, and babies are not the most conducive for seeing shows. Not to mention Ava Joy got over-stimulated quickly... as did I! So, what did I do in Vegas?

Mostly, I walked around. And did this:

When John was done with his conference, and over the weekend before we went home, we did manage to seek out some entertainment. Especially since John was so over hearing me say "it's sooo dry!"

And we ate. A lot. (I freely admit that my love of food has a lot to do with why I have not lost the baby weight.) We had lots of great food in Vegas. We had the opportunity to eat at B & B which was amazing! We also ate at Palio, Canaletto, Serendipity, and a local joints, Origin India and Archi Thai. I recommend all of them! I was surprised by how spicy and flavorful the food was. Here is a chart for some of our samplings:

I can't wait to tell you about the highlight of our trip. Can you guess what it was?

Flashback Friday

2012-07-06T14:25:00.001-05:00

Harvey Taylor Bridge

Harrisburg, PA

August, 2006

Summer Vacation: A Photographic Guide

2012-06-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

We've been in PA for the past 2 weeks. By we, I mean the kids and I. John still has to work. So I took all 4 on the plane by myself. It wasn't the first time, and it wasn't that bad.

Smooth sailing once JA fell asleep. He loved looking out the windows.

Anna is a great seat mate. She is quiet and never uses the arm rests.

Stealth photo of Abigail. She was playing with her DS.

Our row. Anna sat on the aisle in the row behind us. I was so proud of her!
And Abigail was awesome about helping with JA, too.

Guess who didn't really sleep on the plane? Uh-huh.

Our days are filled with grandparents and great-grandparents, homemade cookies and cupcakes, dog slobber, and allergy medicine.

"Cookie" Grandma... the great-grandma.

Mimi, the grandma who's great.

Baron on the left, Dante on the right. Trouble in the middle.

This girl is drooling like crazy lately.

Spiral staircase= perfect seat and table for a 5 year old.

Sisters are the best friends. Except when they aren't.

Cookie Grandma is the official baby rocker in our family.

Mimi and her babies. Baron loves to nap with the kids!

Sleeping Ava Joy. Sweet baby.

His new pouting pose.

Country life

Summerwork

Prepping for kindergarten

He loves to lounge in the bouncy seat!

My biggest, and the biggest baby (Dante is 21 months old) (and a TANK!)

Baby in the dog bed. But no, he's not sleepy!

The babies chillaxin'

Jump!

Fall!

Honestly, it's so beautiful.

I love the country. Except for the part where it smells like, um, "livestock bathrooms"

It was windy and the clouds were amazing

Homeward

Sneaking a smooch

Breeze

Bubbles after supper

Floating away!

More summerwork!

Taught the kids to roll down the hill in the back yard

Perfect

What have you been up to this summer vacation?

(Most of these shots are via Instagram. You can follow me there: gracelings)

Update: 30 in 30 Challenge

2012-06-28T15:13:00.000-05:00

Since many of my 30 in 30 challenges are on-going, monthly challenges, I'm just going to update here and there. I kind of failed at the "social gathering of adults" thing this month (but in all fairness, it was an awful time with end-of-school stuff for the kids, John's massive work project, going out of town, and all our babysitters being out of town.) I will make up for that by attending 2 events in one of the remaining months.

I did do mom-and-me dates with Abigail and Anna though!

Anna and I decided to pick up snack (her choice) and go to the park. Here's what we did:

Beautiful day

Anna's snack choices... Mmm!

Not a fan of the camera, but actually enjoying her snack:)

Feet + Sky = Swinging

"I can do it!"

She made it the whole way across with minimal help!

She later said the slide was burning her butt... ouch!

Rock climbing wall...

She didn't like this one- said it was like a spider's web!

Getting out of the sun. It got warm!

Abigail and I had an "at-home" date during the babies' nap time (with some assistance from Mimi.) She chose to get a mani/pedi from momma!

So grown up!

Weapons of fingernail distruction

Abigail's tootsies

Her second toe is longer than her big toe, just like mine.

Did I mention that blue is her favorite color?

Fingers done!

She insisted on doing my nails then

The polish peeled right off... so strange!

Repainted in red... which also peeled right off!

It was so fun to spend time with my girls one-on-one. This is probably one of my favorite challenges on the list.

I did manage to sneak in a short date with John before the kids and I headed North for the summer.

We're hott.

We had dinner and then went to see Snow White and the Huntsman, which we both loved.

Have you gone on a date (child, spouse/SO) recently? What did you do?

What I Really Want to Ask the Church

2012-06-19T21:25:00.000-05:00

If I could ask the Christian Church in America one thing, it would be this:

Where are all the Down Syndrome babies?

If we, the Christian Church (and I'm looking at you, Evangelicals) are so pro-life as to want to pass legislation requiring women to view ultrasounds of their baby before they can have an abortion, if we want to limit access to emergency contraception, if we want to make abortion illegal and criminalize the practitioners and patients who engage in abortion, we need to ask this question of ourselves.

Where are all our Down Syndrome babies?

Baby Lily, story at National Association for Down Syndrome

90-95% of pregnancies with a prenatal diagnosis of Down Syndrome end in elective termination. That's right. 90-95% of women who find out they care carrying a child with Down Syndrome abort their baby.

Assuming that Down Syndrome occurs with the same frequency among Christians and non-Christians, for every 5 children with Down Syndrome born to Non-Christians, there should be 95 children with Down Syndrome born to Christians.

But I don't know 95 Christian families with kids with DS. Do you? Why is that, Church? Where are all those precious Down Syndrome babies?

Sweet baby Trey, whose story is here

Beloved, if we want to be pro-life, we need to start in our own wombs.

What if we, Church, were to show the world what pro-life looks like? What if we were to show the world that every life, ~~even~~ especially those lives with atypical chomosomal make-up, are precious? What if we were to value each life that God knits together in our wombs so much that we had entire Sunday School classes to minister to parents of children with Down Syndrome, or entire VBS camps for our atypical blessings? What if those 90-95 babies filled our sanctuaries with their joyful smiles?

Then, Church, then we would truly be pro-life.