I AM Good Enough, Therefore I AM Mom Enough.

The controversial TIME magazine shows a mom breast feeding her three year old son with the words ‘Are You Mom Enough?’ on the cover.

I’ve been watching this controversy for the past 24 with growing anger. Oddly enough the anger over this peaked when I listened to a CBC story about teen pregnancy and stigma. (Hang in there) In both stories, in all the commentaries, I hear women struggling with the words we have all known and struggled with throughout our lives…

‘Am I good enough?’

It’s the same question that faces every female!
Whether she is a mom or not,
be it the teen mom or
the working mom,
the at home mom,
the homeschooler,
the CEO,
the pole dancing mom,
straight,
queer,
Christian,
Muslim or other faith mom,
whether she has a disability of the body or mind,
whether she is large or small in stature,
ALL women have wrestled with the same question…

‘Am I good enough?’

I say YES!

I hope you do too. Be sure to take away a little compassion for every mom and woman is in the same boat. How can we affirm each other? Raise each other up and in turn raise the same and more in our daughters and children to come?

If you’ve ever wanted your daughter to feel like she is good enough; now is the time!
TIME magazine did not do a story for our interest, they write for their sales and ratings.
They are not interested in being compassionate, accepting and certainly they have no interest whether or not your ‘good enough’

Just so you know, you are good enough, just as you are. Now be sure to speak these words to ever woman you interact with and some day perhaps we will no longer question ourselves.

I have a confession to make… I have been stressed.
It came to a peak a few years ago when…
My husband and I separated.
My father who had started dementia at 55-67 deteriorated to his death.
My son was active and is chronically ill.
I had a car accident that damaged my wrist and my ability to type,
and as a result of all the above my finances took a beating.

I remember how foggy everything felt, how tired I felt- despite being an awesome and active person.
It was HARD!
That was STRESS and no one talks about it!?

I know you’ve felt it too.  Stress isn’t exclusive to any one set of people – it reaches across and touches all humans no matter what!  When it is ignored, set aside, put off for later etc.. It kills!   If it is not giving you high blood pressure or a heart attack it is killing your SOUL.  That’s were so many deaths take place – in the soul.

As women we find so many excuses to set aside what it is that makes our souls happy, free, healthy and exercised.  What is there in YOUR soul that needs to be remembered and come out?  ( Don’t worry about the how or where and when, just look in there and remember and observe, for now.)

For myself it is writing.
I have missed the years of writing,( and personal journaling) in part from the accident and rehab,  recovering from the life stresses and the build up of fear from not doing it.
I’ve come to realize that the fear of not doing cost more than just doing.

So today – this is my first for facing my fears and doing it anyway. I’ve written this post because I have to!!  My soul calls me to share and challenge the ‘secrets’ of life.  I can’t ignore that anymore, despite the fears I feel about it.

I hope you will find courage to face yours fears too and lift the secrets of stress.

I’m taking a good 3 days OFF from parenting.   I can hear the gasps of horror alongside the moans of wanting this sooo bad…

Time off is a way to stay fresh, self connected and through that, more available for those you love. It is also one of the most uncomfortable activities to settle into and get used too.  We never stop!  We are most often doing for others and getting a lot out of the feel good parts of being busy activities. ( search chemical oxytocyn)

We have a part of the brain that says – How could you? and that triggers the guilty thinking to continue just as you are.  As a parent you know it is an ongoing relentless demand on the mind and body – parents need a break! Parents need to choose taking a break for their health and the health of the family.

How to get through he 1st 24

- you need to tell your mind to shut up and white knuckle yourself to go through with your time off!

- choose the purpose/ higher values you will honor by practicing self care

- get support of friends you can call as you take your first day/days off  (mine were filled with tears
because I just didn’t know what to do with myself- that’s the point to do nothing)

- chores, task lists, home reno’s are not taking time off; sleep, reading, sex, walking, sleep, sitting with
feelings, journaling, crafting, sleep, eating are all time off  activities.

- choosing to practice time off once a month , bi-monthly and at some regular interval.  Book it in and
make is a part of family life.

My time’s up now – back to the couch to nap, enjoy some uniterupetd TV and do a little meditation.

I found these tips in a 1981 newsletter from my high school.

It’s amazes me! A) I had kept this piece of paper for 30 years and b) that the parenting tips of yesteryear are not too off base from what I hear in the parent education community today.

We always need to tweak a little to suit our styles…but… What do you think? Did your parents raise you with these tips? Have we learned anything different or better about parenting in the past 30 years?

“Your Child will Appreciate Fair but Firm Discipline” – P.T.A. press

-Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it; it makes me feel secure.

-Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect then in the early stages.

-Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only make me behave stupidly ‘big’.

-Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly in private.

-Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

-Don’t make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

-Don’t be too upset when I say ‘I hate you’. It isn’t you I hate, but your power to thwart me.

-Don’t take too much notice of smaller ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

-Don’t nag. If you do , I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

-Don’t make rash promises. I feel bad if you let me down when promises re broken.

-Don’t forget that I can not explain myself as welt as I should like. This is what I’m not always very accurate.

-Don’t tax my honesty too much. I’m easily frightened into telling lies.

-Don’t be inconsistent. It completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

-Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.

-Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real.

-Don’t ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me surprisingly warm toward you.

-Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.

-Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.

So, Kim what do you do?

I support women having healthy communication with their children.

Wonderful!

I also help parents talk about healthy sexuality,

BAM! (Insert jaw drop)

WARNING! This post will have sexual terms that will offend some people.

the sexes

The majority of parents respond with one of two statements
1. Oh my child isn’t old enough for that yet.              2. We already had ‘the talk’ with our children.
Avoidance is not pretty!

Let me tell you now…

1.  Your baby/child will be scarred for life if you call their penis or vagina a woohoo or peanut.‘
2.’The Talk’ categorically is not sufficient to help anyone regardless of age

If your reaching for another excuse like, we’re waiting for the right time, sorry there is no ‘right’ time.

A ‘Talk’
Tends to be one topic, one sided and it commands that there be a talker and a listener.  It’s delivered as a one time event and comes with some unspoken communication like; listen up, listen well, get it, don’t ask questions, don’t get caught and behave yourself!  This might suit your personality or your fear about talking sex with kids, but I’ve seen the results of children’s lives that confirm this style has little impact on their education, capacity and competence in making healthy/safe choices in their sexual health.

The Dialogue.
An ongoing commitment to taking turns, listening deeply and acknowledge each others position – over time. It is open to subject, it is open to sharing and it invites the exchange of information between parent and child.  To dialogue about healthy sexuality would be to offer a continuous exchange of knowledge throughout the life span and relationship with your child.  In my experience children who felt heard were more willing to confide in their parents and gained more support navigating life circumstances.

The knowledge required for a healthy sexual development is not as simple as biology; how babies are made… and don’t you ever come home pregnant!  Rather it requires an ongoing exchange on all related topics: biology, communication, boundaries, feelings, safety, differences, acceptance, relationships, confidence and values.

These aren’t one time things…these are life skills!  L I F E long skills that are relevant to your child’s life long sexual health.

Quick Tips:

age and stage: What is relevant physical development for your child’s age and stage  now and for the year ahead?  This is what needs to be talked about.  So for boys 1+ touching their penis feels good -acknowledge that!  Same for the girl 2+ may rub their vulva against a toy and set soem boundaries like, not in the living room with company…let’s move to your bedroom.  While a girl at 8, 9 will develop breasts ( buds), armpit hair, boys also get more hair and their testicles descend…every year there is something developing in your child.  Keep talking about the changes every year!

language:  Keep it simple, clear and correct.  Correct as in the proper biological names.  Think about it…if a friend was talking with you about her peanut problems…you might have a hard time understanding what on earth she is talking about… a vagina is a vagina and a penis a penis.  Simple and clear is more about keeping your sentences to 5 words or less and leaving space for the kids to question.  As parents we sometimes get way too wordy for kids…

listening: When kids ‘come out’ and ask questions…we need to listen.  That involves being aware of the ‘ OMG my child is heading into the gutters of hell!’  feelings that can come up.  Set them aside for a while…just a while, giving your child TIME to talk through their questions, queries or just talk and ultimately solve their own problem /answer their own questions.  All the while you are listening, nod your head, smile where appropriate and load in a few umhumm’s.

It’s a journey…be involved all along the way!

What does it mean when you say Good boy or Good girl?  What’s Good about them?

I listened to a pre-school teacher talk with children about a holiday and as they proceeded through the 20-minute activity I heard her praise the children only with Good boy and Good girl. Not once did she comment on what it was they were doing – that was good!  This distressed me.

How does a child know what they are doing well if it is only categorized by the word Good and their gender?

I spent the remainder of that class creating a list of what it is that the children were doing when praised. For every good boy/girl I came up with 3-5 specific actions or skills like; answering, choosing, listening, passing etc.  Identifying unique and specific skills a child demonstrates has an immensely positive impact on the development of identity.  It builds up the many parts of WHAT you CAN do verses what gender you are.  Over time you build the blocks of esteem and recognize their capacity.

How do you see the skills of others in your day?
Was the grocery clerk a good boy or girl? OR were they pleasant people who demonstrated great customer service and unprecedented grocery packing skills! ( I love that!)  Take time to watch the people around you and how you can find specific and descriptive ways to look at them instead of generalized labels.

Remember that your children are watching and learning all the values, skills and ways of recognizing them in others…all from YOU! ( no pressure -:-)

Here are a list of words you can use when describing the awesome skills your child is displaying.  ( Some words were taken from the resource ” The Virtues Project” you can download a poster of Virtues from them here:  Family )

Assertive                      Helpful
Self disciplined          Caring
Honest                        Tactful/careful
Cleanly                       Trust worthy
Compassionate/ thoughtful
Kind                            Truthful
Courageous              Loyal
Creative                      Loving
Determined               Modest
Enthusiastic/ joyful
Orderly                      Faithful
Patient                      Generous
Purposeful               Gentle
Reliable

Originally published 2004 / revised  2011

All was good until I began cleaning the floors…that’s when my mom unexpectedly showed up.

I was getting ready for company last week.  I had been determined NOT to knock myself out cleaning the house.  I told myself “These are good friends, forgiving friends who will love me despite any failings in housework.”

“Your fooling yourself Kim” says my mom…clear as day…as if she was there in the room.  But she wasn’t, she was in my head!  “Those floor boards are really overdue for a cleaning and look at the dust on the living room shelves!  You’d better get on that”

The battle’s on!

The comfort I would otherwise feel in my home was displaced by the constant battle with my mother’s voice, picking up on all the unfinished…no unperfected housework.  I began to feel guilty for not geting to and reaching beyond to complete the developing crazy unattainable list of to -do’s.  This guilt is laced with historic expereinces; mom’s little extra sniff next to the kitchen fridge, the casual comment on the bathtub, the never ending battles done over the never perfect carpet, the ever so helpful hints on products that do wonders!

Ugh!

Seriously!?!

I had to kick my mom out!  (of my head- metaphor- in case that wasn’t clear)  There is just no room for her to be here critiquing my cleanliness.

I must take a stand and make my life sane.  I choose to be satisfied with my style, my home comfort and harmony.  In the famous words of Virginia Satir “I am me and I am okay”

This battle is DONE!

End Note:
My mom called last night She asked to sleep over tomorrow! ( literally -in real time!)
LOL an opportunity to practice my resolve! Wish me luck!

Being a working mom sucks!

Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

There are times where I am absolutely split down the middle between wanting to stay home to do home work and having to go to work or work from home.

I have dreams you know….to become a lead CEO, Oprahish woman of my own company and there is a great amount of clarity for that vision.  That is until my little one says something like, “put that away…stop working and be with me.”  I crumble.

Right then I want abandon my CEO world for this precious loving child.

I have wonderful dreams of being a full time at home mom.  Homeschooling even.  I might bake bread and learn to knit so I can be the ever present mom to my child.  This dream is also clear in my mind.  It seems GREAT until I make time to be home and be present with the kids and suddenly the kids want nothing to do with me! lol

What’s a mother to do?

Let me say that what I have learned is there is no room for regret no matter which way I go with this! Regret will only drive me crazy bouncing between two worlds.

When I clarify my values it helps me to be most exact about where I want to spend my quality time with my child.  When I remind myself about this ( top three values), turns out to be THE best and most satisfying way to have time with my child.  It’s then that I have the greatest of confidence that our relationship is growing with warm memories and quality learning from each other.

No regrets…

I am damned no more.

I was reminded that I have a story and that my mission is to share my story, not for the sake of the story but for the opportunity to offer HOPE that ‘the story’ is not the definition of who you are and there is no need to hold onto the negativity of it.

The stories that women carry through life often have a common theme of loss and regret.

I had a still birth, an abortion.  I gave my child up for adoption
I gave myself away through sex.
I lied, I deceived, I stole.
I regret….

Any or all of these can rest in our hearts for years, if not a lifetime.

It is only by going THROUGH the processes of healing that we can let go of the guilt, shame and regret.  When we choose not to process ‘The Story’ we allow guilt, shame and regret to take over our capacity to see our lives clearly.

Children learn what they see and therein lies the most twisted part of holding onto guilt, shame and regret.  The children watch you mom and they adapt their behaviours to be like yours, a person living with guilt, shame and regret. They take on these behaviours and feelings and they never even belonged to them/you.

Mothers say; ‘It will be different for my daughter.’  It will not if you do not deal with your own ‘story’.  When you deal with your story, you are putting into practice all you say you want for your daughters; a life of freedom and joyful living.

This is what will truly make your daughters life profound and inspired! Inspired by the brave women/mother who will risk herself to heal.  The one who will grab a hold of life and believe for herself:  I deserve to feel free and filled with Joy!

So…What’s your story?

Change:
Make a commitment to be active in healing from your story.
Secrets Kill The damage of secrets is when they are kept secret!
Talk it out, write it out, whatever it takes.
Share with a like minded community.
Get educated! Find out how guilt works in your life and become aware for change.

From the moment we are pregnant with our first, we begin to create a list of ‘good mother’ ideals.  We swear by these, that we will do right by our child with them. The ideals are often born out of our past positive experiences and where our experiences were negative we create the opposites to meet our needs.

The Good Mother plan begins to take payment within the first months; the charge is episodes of guilt, failure, worry, fear…. You know you are depositing on the plan when you find yourself in tears or grasped by overwhelming fear and frustration.

So what’s a mom to do?

Well you could opt into the Old Christine method from the Snake Date episodes season 4-4. http://videobb.com/video/6h2NJSFCEs2x She’s desperate, after missing the deadline to register her son for the much wanted ‘Snake Club’ She will do whatever it takes to get him in.  As her ex says “Your going to let your guilt rob you of your dignity, morals and ethics?”  Christine says; “Of course Richards I’m a mother”

Funny

In the end Christine’s son couldn’t remember how important that club was because there was a new club he wanted to join.

Let me suggest an alternate payment plan.

1.  Identify your ‘good mother’ ideals: Grab a friend, create a group and talk about the ‘good mom’ ideals you are successful with and identify those that have failed you in reality.  Write them down

2.  Pick your top 5 Good Mother ideals – these are the ones you know you are successful in and that you value the most.  Post them on the fridge, bathroom mirror, in your wallet and anytime your feeling guilty about your parenting – be sure it’s on the list – if it’s not – screw it!

3.   List off 50 things you did right with the kids in the past week – If 50 is too easy make it 100.  Share the list with a friend/spouse and celebrate your good mother successes.  You’ve already made a lot more positive deposits than you thought in the Good Mother payment plan.