In Dismantling Sexuality I and II I have encouraged you to re-focus your concerns about sexuality into terms that focus more on the development of a healthy ‘self’ coining the term healthy Selfuality.

Creating a shift in thinking takes practice.  It’s been said that it takes 21 days to create a habit, which is a shift in thinking that brings about change in action.  The topic of Selfuality has such a broad range of areas that are important.  So it may take you many 21 day trials to address all the area that you may desire shifting.  Be gentle, supportive yet demanding of yourself in creating your personal ‘shift’ in thinking.

Context
This is the viewer we have that let’s us look at the world.  It’s a real time player that allows all we think and remember to be a vivid contributor of what we see right now.  It is something that we all have and work from as we interact with each other.

When we see others we are interpreting what we see, based on what we know from our files. I.e. we see two people kissing in a lobby.   Our files may say; recognize this act, it’s a feel good act, it’s not the right location, that type kiss is for the bedroom only.   I am embarrassed.   These files and filters are complex piles of information that are constantly sorted and accessed, they are the information for our context in all we see and do.
When you are approaching your child or your child is approaching you for information for the development of their sexual self you have an opportunity to create healthy context with them.   You are the foundation for their life long ability to sort, process, feel and interact with their self and others. (no pressure there!)

• ‘Context building is about having the right information available to cope with the given situation.’

Here are a few questions you will want to review before going further.   Give yourself some time to work these through.   When you are answering them, try to be as descriptive as possible: how does that look?   What should it feel like? Sound like?

•  What is healthy selfuality?
•  How do I want my child to relate to their self?
•  How do I want my child to relate to others?
•  What information will my child need to do the above well?

Remember the context is for healthy selfuality. Before your can write about that, you need to define that for yourself.   Give yourself some time and be gentle.   This is not about knowing all the answers; this is about making a plan to try to give all you can for the development of your child’s healthy self.

As lead foreperson in the construction of this life foundation you have some next steps.   In order to do your best you need to believe you can do the job at hand.   You need to view yourself as a capable and confident person for the job.

Try this:
Repeat the words ‘I am capable’.  Try writing this out 100 times a day for 21 days and see if you can create a positive habit for yourself. (can’t hurt!)

Talk with others who offer you positive support- there are a number of people out there who want to belong and who want the opportunity to exchange about life and parenting topics.

The foreperson directs others to various roles, but before being able to provide that information to them they need to have a plan.

Try this:
Create an action plan – list off all the important pieces of information your child will need for a healthy self and then priorize the top ten.   If you spent time on the above four questions then you have a foundation or vision you want to work toward.   (If you didn’t yet you will have to before being able to effectively go further.)

The foreperson is also in charged with the responsibility to keep his/her people safe.   You are responsible to teach your child the proper language to use so that they can safely navigate the world.   Language use is a primary basic for creating context.   I.e. if you teach a girl that the name for her virginal area is a peanut, she may not understand what her teacher/doctor/friends are referring to in her future life navigation’s. How might she feel in those situations? Is that ok for your child?

Try this:
Practice words and labels; uncomfortable or not to practice the healthy words you want you’re your child and use them in context for your own life, with a safe friend or partner.
Remember a habit can be created.
Language development will assist you in delivering clear labels for various events and activities of life and the developing self.   Learning to describe these events, people and places will help to reinforce the label.   The more you are clear about the words, language and labels, the better understanding you will be creating.   This will provide a meaning filled context for your child.

Take a look at the potential and the resilience of the material before you.

• This is your child!   They have the capacity to be capable and confident contributors to this world.

You can help lay the foundation for learning and navigating a healthy Selfuality.   Take action for a healthy dialogue with your child and in turn contribute to the health of our society.

Kim McLeod, Ottawa © 2004

Dismantling Sexuality   Part II

They hear what they see.

Parents help to develop the ‘self’ of their child over time.  They are the primary contributors to the healthy ‘selfuality’ of their children.  I believe the role of parent begins at day one, where all of what you say and do, all of what you react to and act on will be transmitted to your child, your child who’s primary means of learning is by watching and their primary teacher you.

Heavy responsibility.

It’s easy to assume that if there is no reaction from a child, often a noise or verbal cue that there is no understanding of what was said.  This is in part a true consideration; there may not be an understanding because there is not yet a context for that information.  But what does occur is the information is stored for use later.  You may have heard children’s brains likened to being ‘like a sponge’.

Soaking up information

Children learn through sight and sound as they witness patterns of interaction, repetitions of words, gestures and reactions.  They learn from the very actions of their parents and caregivers from day one: how to greet, how to say goodbye, how to fight and make up, to be mad, sad or happy.  Children are constantly gathering information for use at an appropriate time in terms of development not necessarily in appropriate context.

Consider what you react to in a day from non-verbal messages.

• A lady at the cash register who has a heavy sigh while giving change.
• Your partner’s tight lips after bad news.
• Your children rolling their eyes at what you say.
• A ‘tsk’ noise from your mother at just the ‘right’ or should I say wrong moment.

What are these actions by others saying to you?
Are they about you or in reaction to you?
What type of messages are you interpreting from them?

So down to the nitty gritty.
How does your reactions to these topics get interpreted by your child?  When it comes to topics of sexual health how is your child interpreting them from you?

I know some of you are saying that you are very good at masking your reactions and I am sure you are. However it’s highly likely your children may be closer to the skill of non-verbal communication practices than you. Especially ages 0-6, ages 7-11 are becoming more verbal based but are still pretty good at reading others.  Ages 12-18 are extremely sensitive to non-verbal reactions and may even be seeking them out.

‘Research shows that 93% of the meaning of a message is carried by the non-verbal, and only 7% by the verbal communication.  You can prove it to yourself by seeing how many different ways you can say the simple three letter sentence – I love you – simply by changing rate, tone, and inflection’.  Dr Bob

It would become extremely tiring to censor yourself all the time, but there are two things you can do to address your reactions:
1.  Become self aware
2.  Use clarifying communication

1. Becoming self-aware. Children ask the most vivid questions and they can be in the most awkward locations. Example: In a crowded elevator. Your child points to a stranger and says, Mom does that man have a penis?  Fight or Flight?  After six shades of Red, a bit of sputtering and quick damage control glances you’ll come out with one of three answers.
a) No and smile
b) Say yes and ignore further questions.
c) Abruptly say ‘stop it’  There is an opportunity to teach in this moment.

Here are a few response options to consider.
Note: Timing is not everything.  Remember you can always talk about a topic.  Do the best you can to respond to something when it happens, but hey if you can’t you can’t – try again next time.  IN the meantime bring up the topic and talk about it anyway.

Alternate responses:
a) Smile /laugh and say I’ll tell you about that later.
b) Say Yes and direct where comfortable talk can happen.
make a statement like: mom doesn’t like to talk about this next to strangers I’ll talk with you when we get off the elevator.
c) Breath before saying stop – it eases the tension.  Add in a mix of the above two statements and be sure to explain your heavy sigh/breath.

Challenge: think of ten sexual health related topics that make you uncomfortable.  Imagine your child asking you about each of them.  Ask yourself: how do I want to be able to respond to them.  What message do I want them to have?

2. Clarifying communication.
Clarity of communication is a skill that is not practiced often enough throughout our world.  Yet it is greatly revered as the essence of creating solid foundations for important relationships between parents, family members, friends, teachers, first dates and several other firsts in life.  Clarity of communication is a skill that your child can learn from your guidance and modeling.  Key word: modeling.  That means you need to practice it yourself.  A integral part to teach your kids who are watching you, watching how you say and do everything and how you react to everything.

Three simple clarifying steps:

a) Keep statements of information simple. I.e. Yes men have a penis.  If your child wants more information they will likely ask more questions especially if you are responding in a positive way to their requests for information.

b) Own your own discomfort. I.e. If you are uncomfortable with a topic say so and make a commitment to your child to a) help them get the answer another way b) tell them you’ll come back to it later (be sure to get back to it.)

c) Walk your walk. Choose the process of self-awareness so that what you say and do is what you mean.

Challenge: Go back to the non-verbal cues that you react to.  When they happen in a week challenge yourself to ask the other people what they mean:

I heard you have a heavy sigh has it been a long day?
Your lips are tight, does that mean you’re angry?
Your rolling your eyes – does that mean anything?  Or are you ok?
I heard you make a ‘tsk’ noise – did you want to say anything to me?

Be prepared for answers – and in them you might be surprised at the accuracy of your observations of non-verbal cues or the difference between their intention and your reaction.

Your child’s sexual development begins at age 0 and continues throughout the life span.  How will you assit them in developing the skills to navigate their life and this inevitable aspect of it?

Kim McLeod, Ottawa.© 2004

by: Kim McLeod

Let’s refer to sexuality as Selfuality from now on.  We can all move past the sex part which is a real stopper for a lot of people.  You know people tend to think about the sex part of sexuality like they think about a wedding.  It gets a lot of focus but has little to do with the long HAUL.

So why then do we get stuck on the sex part of  sexuality when speaking with our children?  What is it about the sex part that creates a slight ‘panic’ and dissolves the conversation? Try making a list of thoughts and feelings that come to mind, spend some time with this and see
what it’s about.

Consider the word Selfuality, where would your conversations take you then?  Try and move past the sex and begin focusing on the self part of living in a world and navigating worldly choices.

Do you have the experience, tools and compassion to relay a healthy self-message to your child?  One that will help them move through the sex part of life?

We all know intellectually that sex is something that is expected to be a part of our children’s lives, ‘later’ in life.  So just like retirement planning we back shelf the issue for many years, passively thinking about it time to time, until suddenly the time is upon us. We PANIC what will we do?  How will we live through this?  Reactions and fear run high and the relationships around you are challenged.  Take a deep breath.

Sex is one action in an otherwise complex and life long development process.  Your role as a parent is to impart the navigation tools required for life choices.  Now is the time to begin teaching the life skills critical to helping your child navigate healthy life choices that will and do relate to understanding sexuality.

Know Yourself.
Consider the following statements.  I suggest writing a letter to yourself in response to them.

• I can stand naked in front of my mirror without shame?
• I can say no to the important people in my life and follow through on meaning it?
• I can express my wants, desires and passions of daily life to those that are important to me?
• I can talk with my lover what I like, don’t like and need.
• I can stand my ground and ask for respect when I am feeling disrespected?
• I speak kindly to others and myself.
• I respect the views of others and allow them the room to express them.

The answers to these questions are as unique as you are.  They are indicators for you to consider.  Is your self-confidence; self-assertion and self worth where you would like them to be.  What areas do you have strength in?  Which would you like to see grow?
Whether you feel you are on track or off track you will want to begin taking action toward your vision of what level of confidence you hope your child will be capable of responding with.

Knowing your personal limits, boundaries and comforts are a critical FIRST step to being more at ease in finding the language you need to share in the dialogue of sexual health with your children.  For now we are not referring to how the pluming works, rather how we as people work to interact with others.  I believe that parents are capable of teaching their children about this life skill in a healthy and productive way, so that they will later be able to navigate the more complex aspect of life, one of which is sex.

I encourage you to be the best person you can possibly be before, during and while  having children in your life.  Strive to be aware of your values and beliefs, work through them, keeping what worked and discarding what does not.  If I am nervous about a life choice before me, better I say ‘I am afraid’ and do it anyway, than to pretend I am not and avoid the situation.  Live your healthy values and beliefs daily so that your children can witness the most sacred of parenting – someone who walks the walk and talks the talk, openly and honestly everyday.

This is part one of a three part series. Keep your eyes open for part 2 and 3 in the next months.

Kim McLeod, Ottawa. © 2004