When I was growing up there was this excitement about being a woman.  This new found freedom that my mom and her friends would flex and giggle about, as I would find out later they were becoming ‘feminists’.  Loud, proud and out!  I have to say that it sure had an impact on me, as I watched them and as my mom grew to stand on her ground as her own woman, a woman who would share her fierce words of encouragement that I too could, do or be anything in this world.

Well then I grew up through my set of circumstances and took to navigating the world of possibilities; to be a nurse, possibly a Dr., to make change in the lives of disabled and to be a mom.

The world of equality was very different when your in it than, when your looking through a glass window as a child.  There is a lot of hard work about making change for yourself and for each other.  I’m not talking about the rally’s and bra burning kinds of change, rather the change from within as you realize your value, your power and the impact that your self assertion and respect positively has on others.  It is about holding that space for self and each other that requires a constant dedication and belief that I am rightfully OK as a woman in this world, as a woman who has a right to access equally any and all options and opportunities to fulfil my full potential.

This is the seed my mom planted for me.  It’s taken me half my life to fulfill it’s potential concretely within me and now I want nothing more than to see my daughters, sisters hold that same light within and share with their daughters and sons as well.

I recall as a young women those bitchy nags who were my supervisors and who really knew nothing about anything … those ‘radical’ women who are giving us all a bad name, as the crazy ones who were living off the grid and spouting ‘peace and love’ as if that would feed anyone…
These women are now my heroines. They made way for me to move forward with a little more ease than they once suffered.  For that I will always be grateful.

I had to suffer my life experiences, to feel my own pain and to humbly discover that as I age, as I grow a personal awareness and as I learn about compassion.  I too am one of these women.  OMG I’m a feminist!!

I’ve learned that my life lessons can save someone else pain, can inspire change and can save a life if only I speak out.  I return often to youth groups to share my story in various communities.  As I speak about treating yourself well, loving yourself before giving love away and how to exercise compassion and love… I see the same thoughts flicker across their faces; who is this bitch? (Jersey Shore attitude) is she crazy? and some are just downright mortified that they spent their time ‘having to listen’ to this old lady.  LOL!

Few thoughts on being a feminist

1. it’s not as dirty a word as it was when I was in my 20’s and I can now laugh at the knowledge that some 20 yr old Jersey Shore wanna be will someday have the same realization ( I hope)
2. that there is a responsibility to be our best selves, self aware of our thoughts, feeling and beliefs.
3. sometimes we want to wear bright red lipstick because it’s pretty and I want to do it free of being thought of as a whore
4. being a feminist is not something to be afraid of, it’s a belief you can carry with you as loudly or as quietly as you like, respecting others for their methods of being the same or different. ( including our daughters)
5. expecting something different for our daughters begs the necessity that we do the personal WORK on and for ourselves first or as we move along the way.
6.  speaking up about basic values of respect, equality, compassion are part of our moral responsibility for a better world.  Change can not happen without the words of love being shared.
7. being a feminist is wanting something different for our girls and being willing to take action toward that change, by doing something different, by being a compassionate being and by speaking out with compassion for change wherever we can.

So in my world there is plenty of lipstick growing on trees- now we just need to take a little more action to pick them off and try them on as part of our everyday commitment to being in action for positive change.

Red Hot MaMa!

A few points to remember…

1. Pardon my French, but suck it up!
Mommies left holding the bag can be bitter. Not all but some and that’s your bag- o-
crap to get through. You need to set it aside and leave some space for your kids to have
their time on this day.

Despite your anger or bitterness and despite how horrible a dad may have been, kids still
love them and long for them and want to have one. You need to move past bitter and put
your best listening ears on for the kids.

2 Take the elephant out of the room!
Make it a point to say it’s father’s day and invite the children to talk about what is important qualities in a dad. What did their dad do that left them feeling good about themselves? Or talk about how grandpa was a dad, etc…

Spend the day talking about the positive parts of people who are dad’s you see in the community. Work hard to make lists of the wonderful qualities that each of you like.
It’s a day to celebrate! Ask the kids how they would like to celebrate; a cake, a movie or a walk where you can enjoy some activities together.

3. Let the process their grief or loss happen…
Kids will long to have a dad…it’s ok to really. really, really, want something…When you really want something there are many opportunities to learn about uncovering what it is we really are missing and how to cope. Coping is a great life skill.

Kids will need your permission to be mad, sad or even happy for the loss of dad. You can give that by letting them know it’s ‘ok’ by listening to them and not reacting while your with them ( go react with friends over a drink later) and by suggesting they can write a letter, draw a picture etc…for dad to let him know what they are missing. Celebrate that they are processing their feelings in healthy ways.

4. Do not rescue anyone form their feelings
It will not help to sugar coat, it will not teach to hide, it will not change ‘your’ feelings to try and make your children feel better with toys and bonus ‘stuff’ that is a temporary fix.

It is possible that any guilt you may have about your kids not having a dad will probably be growing with anticipation of this day. You might have to fight the impulse to buy them something extra, give them more leniency on the rules… This is the tip of your iceberg, the one called regret. Regret that things are the way they are and not the way you had imagined they ‘should’ be. This is your grief.
Show up for your kids and then show up for yourself after that, with friend, therapists and shopping!
( just joking about the shopping)

5. Just BE and BE together
It’s Father’s Day’ another day to celebrate one style of family. But that’s the key really, it’s all about family and being who we are as unique people, coming together to BE family.
Celebrate who you are, what’s awesome about who you are ( mind you, you don’t have to wait for this day to do that) and have FUN!

The controversial TIME magazine shows a mom breast feeding her three year old son with the words ‘Are You Mom Enough?’ on the cover.

I’ve been watching this controversy for the past 24 with growing anger. Oddly enough the anger over this peaked when I listened to a CBC story about teen pregnancy and stigma. (Hang in there) In both stories, in all the commentaries, I hear women struggling with the words we have all known and struggled with throughout our lives…

‘Am I good enough?’

It’s the same question that faces every female!
Whether she is a mom or not,
be it the teen mom or
the working mom,
the at home mom,
the homeschooler,
the CEO,
the pole dancing mom,
straight,
queer,
Christian,
Muslim or other faith mom,
whether she has a disability of the body or mind,
whether she is large or small in stature,
ALL women have wrestled with the same question…

‘Am I good enough?’

I say YES!

I hope you do too. Be sure to take away a little compassion for every mom and woman is in the same boat. How can we affirm each other? Raise each other up and in turn raise the same and more in our daughters and children to come?

If you’ve ever wanted your daughter to feel like she is good enough; now is the time!
TIME magazine did not do a story for our interest, they write for their sales and ratings.
They are not interested in being compassionate, accepting and certainly they have no interest whether or not your ‘good enough’

Just so you know, you are good enough, just as you are. Now be sure to speak these words to ever woman you interact with and some day perhaps we will no longer question ourselves.

I remember how foggy everything felt, how tired I felt- despite being an awesome and active person.
It was HARD!
That was STRESS and no one talks about it!?

I know you’ve felt it too.  Stress isn’t exclusive to any one set of people – it reaches across and touches all humans no matter what!  When it is ignored, set aside, put off for later etc.. It kills!   If it is not giving you high blood pressure or a heart attack it is killing your SOUL.  That’s were so many deaths take place – in the soul.

As women we find so many excuses to set aside what it is that makes our souls happy, free, healthy and exercised.  What is there in YOUR soul that needs to be remembered and come out?  ( Don’t worry about the how or where and when, just look in there and remember and observe, for now.)

For myself it is writing.
I have missed the years of writing,( and personal journaling) in part from the accident and rehab,  recovering from the life stresses and the build up of fear from not doing it.
I’ve come to realize that the fear of not doing cost more than just doing.

So today – this is my first for facing my fears and doing it anyway. I’ve written this post because I have to!!  My soul calls me to share and challenge the ‘secrets’ of life.  I can’t ignore that anymore, despite the fears I feel about it.

I hope you will find courage to face yours fears too and lift the secrets of stress.

Time off is a way to stay fresh, self connected and through that, more available for those you love. It is also one of the most uncomfortable activities to settle into and get used too.  We never stop!  We are most often doing for others and getting a lot out of the feel good parts of being busy activities. ( search chemical oxytocyn)

We have a part of the brain that says – How could you? and that triggers the guilty thinking to continue just as you are.  As a parent you know it is an ongoing relentless demand on the mind and body – parents need a break! Parents need to choose taking a break for their health and the health of the family.

How to get through he 1st 24

- you need to tell your mind to shut up and white knuckle yourself to go through with your time off!

- choose the purpose/ higher values you will honor by practicing self care

- get support of friends you can call as you take your first day/days off  (mine were filled with tears
because I just didn’t know what to do with myself- that’s the point to do nothing)

- chores, task lists, home reno’s are not taking time off; sleep, reading, sex, walking, sleep, sitting with
feelings, journaling, crafting, sleep, eating are all time off  activities.

- choosing to practice time off once a month , bi-monthly and at some regular interval.  Book it in and
make is a part of family life.

My time’s up now – back to the couch to nap, enjoy some uniterupetd TV and do a little meditation.

It’s amazes me! A) I had kept this piece of paper for 30 years and b) that the parenting tips of yesteryear are not too off base from what I hear in the parent education community today.

We always need to tweak a little to suit our styles…but… What do you think? Did your parents raise you with these tips? Have we learned anything different or better about parenting in the past 30 years?

“Your Child will Appreciate Fair but Firm Discipline” – P.T.A. press

-Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it; it makes me feel secure.

-Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect then in the early stages.

-Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only make me behave stupidly ‘big’.

-Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly in private.

-Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

-Don’t make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

-Don’t be too upset when I say ‘I hate you’. It isn’t you I hate, but your power to thwart me.

-Don’t take too much notice of smaller ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

-Don’t nag. If you do , I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

-Don’t make rash promises. I feel bad if you let me down when promises re broken.

-Don’t forget that I can not explain myself as welt as I should like. This is what I’m not always very accurate.

-Don’t tax my honesty too much. I’m easily frightened into telling lies.

-Don’t be inconsistent. It completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

-Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.

-Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real.

-Don’t ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me surprisingly warm toward you.

-Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.

-Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.

I support women having healthy communication with their children.

Wonderful!

I also help parents talk about healthy sexuality,

BAM! (Insert jaw drop)

WARNING! This post will have sexual terms that will offend some people.

the sexes

The majority of parents respond with one of two statements
1. Oh my child isn’t old enough for that yet.              2. We already had ‘the talk’ with our children.
Avoidance is not pretty!

Let me tell you now…

1.  Your baby/child will be scarred for life if you call their penis or vagina a woohoo or peanut.‘
2.’The Talk’ categorically is not sufficient to help anyone regardless of age

If your reaching for another excuse like, we’re waiting for the right time, sorry there is no ‘right’ time.

A ‘Talk’
Tends to be one topic, one sided and it commands that there be a talker and a listener.  It’s delivered as a one time event and comes with some unspoken communication like; listen up, listen well, get it, don’t ask questions, don’t get caught and behave yourself!  This might suit your personality or your fear about talking sex with kids, but I’ve seen the results of children’s lives that confirm this style has little impact on their education, capacity and competence in making healthy/safe choices in their sexual health.

The Dialogue.
An ongoing commitment to taking turns, listening deeply and acknowledge each others position – over time. It is open to subject, it is open to sharing and it invites the exchange of information between parent and child.  To dialogue about healthy sexuality would be to offer a continuous exchange of knowledge throughout the life span and relationship with your child.  In my experience children who felt heard were more willing to confide in their parents and gained more support navigating life circumstances.

The knowledge required for a healthy sexual development is not as simple as biology; how babies are made… and don’t you ever come home pregnant!  Rather it requires an ongoing exchange on all related topics: biology, communication, boundaries, feelings, safety, differences, acceptance, relationships, confidence and values.

These aren’t one time things…these are life skills!  L I F E long skills that are relevant to your child’s life long sexual health.

Quick Tips:

age and stage: What is relevant physical development for your child’s age and stage  now and for the year ahead?  This is what needs to be talked about.  So for boys 1+ touching their penis feels good -acknowledge that!  Same for the girl 2+ may rub their vulva against a toy and set soem boundaries like, not in the living room with company…let’s move to your bedroom.  While a girl at 8, 9 will develop breasts ( buds), armpit hair, boys also get more hair and their testicles descend…every year there is something developing in your child.  Keep talking about the changes every year!

language:  Keep it simple, clear and correct.  Correct as in the proper biological names.  Think about it…if a friend was talking with you about her peanut problems…you might have a hard time understanding what on earth she is talking about… a vagina is a vagina and a penis a penis.  Simple and clear is more about keeping your sentences to 5 words or less and leaving space for the kids to question.  As parents we sometimes get way too wordy for kids…

listening: When kids ‘come out’ and ask questions…we need to listen.  That involves being aware of the ‘ OMG my child is heading into the gutters of hell!’  feelings that can come up.  Set them aside for a while…just a while, giving your child TIME to talk through their questions, queries or just talk and ultimately solve their own problem /answer their own questions.  All the while you are listening, nod your head, smile where appropriate and load in a few umhumm’s.

It’s a journey…be involved all along the way!

I listened to a pre-school teacher talk with children about a holiday and as they proceeded through the 20-minute activity I heard her praise the children only with Good boy and Good girl. Not once did she comment on what it was they were doing – that was good!  This distressed me.

How does a child know what they are doing well if it is only categorized by the word Good and their gender?

I spent the remainder of that class creating a list of what it is that the children were doing when praised. For every good boy/girl I came up with 3-5 specific actions or skills like; answering, choosing, listening, passing etc.  Identifying unique and specific skills a child demonstrates has an immensely positive impact on the development of identity.  It builds up the many parts of WHAT you CAN do verses what gender you are.  Over time you build the blocks of esteem and recognize their capacity.

How do you see the skills of others in your day?
Was the grocery clerk a good boy or girl? OR were they pleasant people who demonstrated great customer service and unprecedented grocery packing skills! ( I love that!)  Take time to watch the people around you and how you can find specific and descriptive ways to look at them instead of generalized labels.

Remember that your children are watching and learning all the values, skills and ways of recognizing them in others…all from YOU! ( no pressure -:-)

Here are a list of words you can use when describing the awesome skills your child is displaying.  ( Some words were taken from the resource ” The Virtues Project” you can download a poster of Virtues from them here:  Family )

Assertive                      Helpful
Self disciplined          Caring
Honest                        Tactful/careful
Cleanly                       Trust worthy
Compassionate/ thoughtful
Kind                            Truthful
Courageous              Loyal
Creative                      Loving
Determined               Modest
Enthusiastic/ joyful
Orderly                      Faithful
Patient                      Generous
Purposeful               Gentle
Reliable

Originally published 2004 / revised  2011

I was getting ready for company last week.  I had been determined NOT to knock myself out cleaning the house.  I told myself “These are good friends, forgiving friends who will love me despite any failings in housework.”

“Your fooling yourself Kim” says my mom…clear as day…as if she was there in the room.  But she wasn’t, she was in my head!  “Those floor boards are really overdue for a cleaning and look at the dust on the living room shelves!  You’d better get on that”

The battle’s on!

The comfort I would otherwise feel in my home was displaced by the constant battle with my mother’s voice, picking up on all the unfinished…no unperfected housework.  I began to feel guilty for not geting to and reaching beyond to complete the developing crazy unattainable list of to -do’s.  This guilt is laced with historic expereinces; mom’s little extra sniff next to the kitchen fridge, the casual comment on the bathtub, the never ending battles done over the never perfect carpet, the ever so helpful hints on products that do wonders!

Ugh!

Seriously!?!

I had to kick my mom out!  (of my head- metaphor- in case that wasn’t clear)  There is just no room for her to be here critiquing my cleanliness.

I must take a stand and make my life sane.  I choose to be satisfied with my style, my home comfort and harmony.  In the famous words of Virginia Satir “I am me and I am okay”

This battle is DONE!

End Note:
My mom called last night She asked to sleep over tomorrow! ( literally -in real time!)
LOL an opportunity to practice my resolve! Wish me luck!

Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

There are times where I am absolutely split down the middle between wanting to stay home to do home work and having to go to work or work from home.

I have dreams you know….to become a lead CEO, Oprahish woman of my own company and there is a great amount of clarity for that vision.  That is until my little one says something like, “put that away…stop working and be with me.”  I crumble.

Right then I want abandon my CEO world for this precious loving child.

I have wonderful dreams of being a full time at home mom.  Homeschooling even.  I might bake bread and learn to knit so I can be the ever present mom to my child.  This dream is also clear in my mind.  It seems GREAT until I make time to be home and be present with the kids and suddenly the kids want nothing to do with me! lol

What’s a mother to do?

Let me say that what I have learned is there is no room for regret no matter which way I go with this! Regret will only drive me crazy bouncing between two worlds.

When I clarify my values it helps me to be most exact about where I want to spend my quality time with my child.  When I remind myself about this ( top three values), turns out to be THE best and most satisfying way to have time with my child.  It’s then that I have the greatest of confidence that our relationship is growing with warm memories and quality learning from each other.

No regrets…

I am damned no more.