Grapefruits of Metal

Hey, look over here!! Your eyes don't deceive you!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 14:59:00 +0000

Yup, I posted a new GoM photo. And to celebrate my release from priso-err, my return from a sabbatical in the Andes Mountains consulting Tibetan monks on the meaning of life (It's still 42 in case you were wondering) I've posted a photo with ACTUAL grapefruits!!

That's up to 25% of your daily allowance of vitamin C. You don't just learn here, you get healthy. Also, you can get in shape doing milk-jug curls and lots of push-ups out in the prison yard. That one was a freebie for you kids.

This is Jack. Who obviously has exquisite taste in clothing and bands. Jack is sporting part of the Fall collection from SWARM OF EYES. It's called Moth Skull, and it can be found for sale at http://swarmofeyes.com on the Merchandise page.

I have to point out that if you click on the picture and look at the larger version you can see a large pair of toe-nail clippers on the table. That's just gross. And who took this picture anyway? Did they not even bother to get their ass off the couch to take the photo? I don't have time to crop out your Glade candle and messy living room, people. Community service takes a LOT of time.

Thanks to Jack for making a brutal GoM face and for supporting my band, SWARM OF EYES. Now go buy a CD, kid.

Johnny Metro!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 12:58:00 +0000

I don't know what's going on here exactly, but I assume it involved waaaaay too much imbibing of spirits. Shocking.

This is my next door neighbor, Johnny Metro, and apparently he's doing some type of Cruella DeVille meets Cyrano De Bergerac thing here...I think? Probably the strangest photo ever submitted to me, but I will give the guy credit for making the effort.

Speaking of effort....would it kill him to rake his leaves? Or maybe put down some weed killer on his lawn? Perhaps even mow it once in a while? I understand that it's hard to keep up with my spectacular landscaping...but c'mon, it's like he just gave up. Is my lush green grass that intimidating???

You bet it is, muchacho!!!

Does it really get any better than this?

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 00:21:00 +0000

I think not. Seriously, click on the photo and get the larger version of it and stand in envy of how thoroughly brutal we are. I'll wait.

I've been saving this photo for some undetermined reason, like I was saving it for a special occasion and just wasn't ready to put it up yet. But I've come to realize that saving stuff for birthdays and special occasions is useless and doesn't actually make it any more special when it happens.

I think you know what I mean, ladies.

If it isn't obvious from the photo, this was taken after the last "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers" gig we did at the local VFW, and this is the whole band. A cappella is our game, and we are the best quintet in town, I tells ya.

Ok, ok, fine...this is my Ultimate Brutal Wedding Party. A crew of finer mugs has never had eyes laid upon it.

From left to right we start with my brother Larry, sporting the chin beard and VERY dramatic expression. He's also about seven feet tall. I don't really have a joke about that, he just takes after my mother's side of the family and they are all giants. I take after my dad, and we are all the same height, have the same spindly legs and arms with no definition and matching guts. Gee, thanks Dad!

Next down the line is my brother Bill, looking as smarmy as ever with that shit eating grin on his face. What a weird expression. Do people really smile like that after they eat shit? I assume that's something only Germans do anyway, and I've never seen a German smile, so this all seems suspect to me. Bill was my best man, and his one job was to make sure my tie was straight. The duties of a best man never end!

After me in the middle is one of my best friends, Casey. If you met him you'd swear he was a laid back surfer from SoCal that was always quick with a big smile and to share his stash. But he's actually from the hillbilly mountains in VT. And he grew up in a log cabin. Seriously. I've visited it. You just sit there WAITING for the banjo to start... And look at those bear paws he has in place of hands. Jesus, the guy is a beast, I love him!

Last in line on the far right is my best friend of 22 years, Dana. He's rocking the Transition Lenses in his glasses and looking as cool as ever. I'm sure I didn't need to point out that the last sentence was sarcasm, but hell, it can't hurt. I never said I had smart readers...just beautiful ones. Luckily what you CAN'T see in this photo is the blood all over his shirt collar. Someone forgot to shave when he was getting ready at my house and decided it would be a good idea to do it right before the wedding started. With a crappy old disposable razor. With his suit on. It looked like a crime scene when he was done. I swear he does this stuff to me on purpose, but I still love the big lug.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of guys to lead me to the guillotine. I meant alter.

They call him Roach.

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 15:02:00 +0000

I call him Chewbacca. Some call him a legend in local music. Those people have all been rounded up and put in detox.

And yes, he's not actually throwing the grapefruits, but I am, and it's so brutal that I make up for the fact that people can't FUCKING FOLLOW DIRECTIONS when you are taking a photo.

Roach and I go way back, as he used to play bass in two local bands, Vertical Smile and Austen's Dead. They played a lot of shows with my old band, "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers", back in the day. All long gone now, but out of his two bands arose a new band....a phoenix from the ashes, if you will. They were called, Ratchaburi!!!

Yeah, stupid name, I know, but they were actually pretty good. They were full of potential and promise, only they crashed like a fiery phoenix, plummeting to earth in a massive, horrible explosion. (note: read that thinking that I'm talking in the voice of the guy from VH1: Behind the Music). And Roach wasn't actually IN that band, so that is a bit anti-climactic, I know.

In this photo with the very handsome and stoned Roach, we were attending a reunion show for Ratchaburi, and at the end of the night they invited him on stage to bang out a couple of classics from the old days. God knows they were so rusty and full of suck that they needed ANYTHING to distract the audience. I'm just kidding, no one in the audience was paying attention.

Hey look! A VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Derrik - America's favorite misanthrope.

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 17:29:00 +0000

Once again we visit the strange and cynical world of my friend and guitarist, Derrik. We've known each other through a mutual friend for 12 years, and he was in my last band and is in my current band.

And I STILL have no idea where he was when he took these. On a vacation? At a militia camp? A spiritual retreat? I don't have a clue. The kid is practically a mute. And I'm pretty sure he's making fun of me by sending me these. Some kind of inside joke that only he gets and snickers to himself when he thinks he's so damn clever.

Well buddy, I'll fix your wagon!!!!

No seriously, if your wagon is broken call me and we'll set up an appointment and I can look at it and give you an estimate. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a good wagon wheel repair shop these days.

Anyway, he found some Injun statue doing the GoM. That's pretty cool. I guess we owed them savages something after all that murdering and pillaging we did. Well, not ME, but other white people. I swear officer, I was just waiting in the car. I didn't even know what the settlers were going to do.

Pretty sweet deal getting a statue and some professional sports teams named after you for reparation. Plus it seems quite hip these day to be part Injun. I swear when the subject of ethnicity comes up it NEVER FAILS that one jerk has to make the comment that they are part Injun, like they are bragging. "I just happen to be 1/100th Cherokee you know." Yeah, and you're also 99/100ths total moron. If the natives got a nickel every time some douche bag made a remark like that they would never, ever run out of fire water again.

And this is a bonus photo of Derrik in the deep wilderness. He certainly looks like he's ready for a hike. Earthy-crunchy boots. Check. Drab clothing to blend into the brush so the search party never finds your body. Check. Backpack for water, sandwiches and existential books about God being an illusion and how humanity is so self-destructive. CHECK.

I always love surprises...

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 23:21:00 +0000

...and this photo coming to my inbox was a wonderful surprise from my cousin Nini. She's a beautiful free spirit who's always off at some Native American (See, I didn't say "Indian", I know the difference between the natives and the guys who eat stinky food and worship cows because I have five thousand of them in the IT dept at work) spiritual journey or rain dance....though I think she just likes hot Natives in loincloths.

She's surrounded here in this photo by her boyfriend, mother and sister whilst on vacation in Maine. I'm not sure they were allowed to stay long though, because I THINK they have all their teeth and don't have sex with each other...and I think that's a requirement up there in "Vacation Land", right?

She's also promised me many more GoM pics in the future! Hopefully they are with her and both her hot sisters. I need more hits here, man. Maybe some beach shots or something? Bubble bath? Get creative girls!!

And NO, that's not weird like those hillbillies in Maine, they are my step-cousins, and that's completely normal. Right?

RIGHT???

Please welcome our first official rock star...

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 00:41:00 +0000

Okay....maybe "rock star" is pushing it. Playing Indian casinos in Pala, CA and Tuscon, AZ to the backs of a crowd of blue-hairs dumping their Social Security checks into the nickel slots while they smoke Virginia Slims next to their oxygen tanks isn't exactly making it big...but who am I to judge?

Oh right, a famous internet celebrity, that's who!! WIN!

The Peep Show monger shown above is Matt. He's the drummer in The Gary Hoey Band. Yeah, I never heard of them either, so don't feel bad about it. I guess Gary is some guitar virtuoso that literally DOZENS of people have heard of apparently. Feel free to check out some of his top hits like....uhh, that song, you know the one...with the guitars and stuff. Anyway, head to Myspace, or as I call the site, "The Sinking Ship", to hear some sweet licks. I'm sure Matt's drums are right up front in the mixes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA!!!

By the way, what's with the porn store? Do people still buy magazines and DVDs and go see peep shows?? Where was this taken, the backwoods of Alabama where the internet hasn't reached yet??

And I want to say thanks for the really crappy cell phone pic, guys. Would it kill you to spend a little of that beer money on an actual, you know, camera? The good news is that I hunted up another photo of Mr. Hunky-Rockstar for you guys. If only to show you that he looks just like the heavy metal version of Bill Pullman:

Right? AMIRIGHT? That's TOTALLY Bill Pullman!!! Hey Lone Starr, watch out for Dark Helmet!! He's behind your drum riser!

That spray painted wall is also awesome...were they playing in my nephew's treehouse? Sounds like the tour is going great guys! Hope to check you out at Applebee's in a week or two!

WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 00:25:00 +0000

Haha! That's Jeff, and he looks like a big baby. This picture is five or six years old I guess, and Jeff sent it to me because he claims he was striking that metal pose before ME!!!

But, get this, they called it THE GOBLIN CLAW!!!! Seriously, how stupid is THAT?!? You look like you have MS or one of those diseases Jerry Lewis is always droning on about. It's not nice to make fun of special people, JEFF.

And what is his friend doing, besides looking like a whole bag of dumb. Put your tongue back in your mouth you mongoloid. Nice leather jacket with the collar up, Fonzie.

Yes, I sound bitter, but that's because I already know what's going to happen. These punk kids are going to try and swoop in with their fancy, ambulance chasing, lawyers and try to steal my fame and fortune from me. Well it's not going to happen! If you want my grapefruits of metal you'll have to pry them from my cold dead hands. I live in 'merica pal, and we have a little something here called rights.

Also, Jeff is the bass player in my band, SWARM OF EYES, and he's pretty cool. Just watch yourself, guy...

Emma: The Spawn of Dawn

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 02:04:00 +0000

I have to say right up front that I love my family. My crazy, wacky, insane family. And I miss my family. I'm sorry that I don't even know some of my family members because I never get to see them. At some point we all grew up; some had families, some went down dark paths best unspoken, and some just moved far away. Some became rock stars and famous internet celebrities and don't fraternize with the filthy common man, even if we are related.

This is Emma. My cousin Dawn's baby girl, who I don't think I've ever even met. Isn't that sad? She looks exactly like Dawn as well. Only smaller. Like if you shrunk Dawn down with a shrink ray like Dr. Shrinker from Sid & Marty Kroft Superstars show from the 70's. Wouldn't that be awesome to have that shrink ray?

Wait, no....it would be better to have a ray beam that makes things BIGGER. Not for me personally....but to help out other guys who need it. God in hell....please let them invent this. You know, for other people...

Back to the photo. I'd say dear sweet Emma has a pretty brutal face for the Grapefruits of Metal pose. But seriously, yachts and Silly Bands in the photo, along with a picturesque ocean setting??? You better have been signing this kid of for Pirate School or something, Dawn!!!! Probably down in fancy Newport, RI shopping for 30' schooners or something. You know how the hoity-toity live. *pushes nose up to denote snob face*

I wonder if Emma even knows why she was taking this photo? How did Dawn even explain this? "Okay, Emma, stand still with an angry face and pretend you are holding sacks of money to buy a new mansion because our old mansion isn't big enough any more. We are taking this for your cousin who you've never met so he can put it on the internet and make fun of it. No....don't cry, honey....STOP CRYING! They will throw us out of the yacht club!!!"

So thank you to Dawn and Emma, and Dawn's husband Larry or something or other...and to the two or three other kids they have. It's good to have close family *hugs*

He comes from the land of the ice and snow...

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 11:22:00 +0000

I made that Led Zepplin reference in the title because I just assumed that the victim, errr... person featured in this blarg entry would hate it. He hates everything and everyone. He hates getting caught in the rain and even pina coladas. He hates you. I'm pretty sure he hates The Grapefruits of Metal as well, and this is some sick way of mocking me.

And that's why I love him. Not in a "Hey, it all feels the same in the dark" kind of way, but in the you just can't help loving someone so misanthropic because it's so adorable way. I'm even hoping he hates this whole post. I'll feel like I made his life a little happier with something new to hate.

For the record, this is Derrik. He's a phenomenal guitar player (which he'll deny, and he could be right. What do I know? He could be terrible. I just know I'm super impressed when he is fooling around when he's bored and starts twiddling out the theme song to Sanford & Son or something), to which I've had the pleasure of being in two bands with, Motokops 2000, and currently Swarm of Eyes.

What? That plug wasn't subtle? Shutyourface, I can do anything I want here. Now go find the band on Facebook and like us because we are so friendly and likable.

We now pronounce you......METAL!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 11:52:00 +0000

Hi. I'm Karen and I'm an alco... Oh sorry, I thought it was Tuesday. Lemme try that again...

Hi. I'm Karen and I'm a friend of Randy's. Oh yeah?! You know him, too?! Well boy, do I feel bad for us!

Annnnyyyway, he is being a lazy boy this week and demanded I write his blog for him. That's right! DEMANDED! Can you believe that? He was all, "Karen! Write my blog!" and I was all, "Pssssshhh!" and he was all, "Woman! Don't make me go over there!" and I was all "Sistah, please!" and he was all, "If you don't, I will not make you anymore banana bread."

And that's what it took, folks. The witholding of banana bread.

Well, it's true and if he tells you any differently you won't believe him since you said you know him.

So in some circles I do this thing. It's called photography. Maybe you've heard of it? No? Okay, I basically steal people's souls for cheap money. My friends all tell me I should charge more, but I like the nightlife. I like to boogie.

But annnnyyyyway. If it pleases the court, may I present Tony & Julie's wedded bliss moment? Because your photog/ghostwriter had the forethought and quite frankly the lucidity, it also comes topped with Grapefruit. Yeah, you can thank me later.

So, there they are. The happy, new couple. Holding Grapefruits of Metal. You may now headbang the bride.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I want to thank Karen for taking on the monumental task of writing this blog entry for me. I hope she learned a lesson on just how much work it is and she appreciates me a bit more now. I also hope she doesn't expect to get paid for this.)

Invisible Grapefruits

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 01:59:00 +0000

This is Dave again. He was the fat guy in the yellow t-shirt from a few blogs back that was at the Debbie Gibson show with me. If that sounds strange to you, don't worry, it never sits right with me either when I think about it.

And if you recall, I mentioned that he's lost over 170lbs since that old photo was taken. But I also made sure to note that fat people are MUCH funnier than skinny people. I'm not sure why it happens, but this is living proof. Dave is hysterically funny looking in the other picture. But he loses the equivalent of my entire body weight (shut your smelly mouth, it's close enough) and suddenly he looks just plain goofy and a bit ridiculous. He sent three photos to me, and honestly this was the BEST one. Yikes.

Is he taking an Invisible Dump here? Is he holding a giant invisible turd? And what is with the smile? There is NO SMILING with the Grapefruits of metal!! The little booger-eating goblin in the last blog entry gets it. Fannie Spankings gets it. Why can't Dave?? I guess we'll never know...because he fell off that plateau and died minutes later.

Just kidding. But I can dream can't I?

Before I put this blog entry out of it's misery, I will give Dave a little credit. I completely forgot that we called the Grapefruits of Metal pose "Invisible Grapefruits" for YEARS before I made this blog and called it GoM. I don't remember when it morphed into the new title, but it was a nice stroll down memory lane hearing that again. Until Memory Ln. crosses Blue Hill Ave....then things got a bit dicey. NOT a good neighborhood to be in after dark if you are a handsome internet star. I just hustled out of there as fast as I could and didn't make any eye contact with the thugs on the front stoop.

Anyway, I'll delve more into the history of GOM in a future blog and explain it's origins. People do ask me that a lot. Ok, it was really just one guy, and he accused me of stealing the idea from him. But he learned his lesson. And no smart mouth judge or his fancy restraining order will stop me next time either.

Look Ma, I'm doing that fruit thing!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 01:12:00 +0000

Is this little goblin scary or WHAT??

I was honestly terrified when I opened the message and this was enclosed. I thought it was one of those joke e-mails with a video that you watch for a minute, waiting for something innocent to happen...then "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!", some horrible ghost thing pops up and screams. Was I the only one that fell for that? Crap.

Except this little booger-machine scares me much more. If I lived with this kid I'd make sure there were NO sharp objects around EVER. She'd be using left-handed safety scissors until she was at least 20. Or until she ran away from home to be an actress in Hollywood, anyway. And if by "actress" I mean stripper, and if by "Hollywood" I mean New Jersey....

I also noticed that she seems to be in a hospital room. And there is another kid's foot on a table. Does this make anyone else nervous? Did little Jimmy have another "accident" again while the devil-child was keeping an eye on him? Uh-oh, Jimmy, watch out for that doorknob! What? You hit yourself in the face with the Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn CD Player again?? Such a klutz!

Can you get restraining orders against kids? I'm thinking of getting one, just in case she learns to read some day. They teach stuff like that in juvie, right? Of course they do, right after "Making Shanks from your Barney Toothbrush" class and recess.

Grapefruit Spankings!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 11:12:00 +0000

These pics are fresh in my inbox (oooo....naughty!) from The Purple Gurl in Denver, CO!! They feature a few pics from Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret in trippy downtown Denver. The show is LITERALLY under a giant clocktower, in an underground club right out of the 20's.

I went to Denver last year to visit Purple Gurl and her sexxxy lover, Timmay, and got dragged to this "burlesque show" under protest because it seemed completely goofy and we know that with all my hobnobbing with the rich and famous, this was a bit beneath what I'm used to.

But I have to admit, I had an absolute BLAST, and everyone I met was phenomenal. The crowd was great, the host was hysterical and the performers were so incredibly nice, never mind ridiculously talented.

The night we went is was Naughty Pierre’s Burlesque & Comedy Extravaganza. And my absolute FAVORITE gal that night was The Vivacious Fannie Spankings, pictured in the first photo above with The Charming Illusionist Professor Phelyx. I'd post my photos with Fannie from my visit, but I already got in enough trouble with those....

In this photo we have the lovely Miss Orchid Mei. She is displaying the most elegant Grapefruits of Metal to date. She wears one of those crazy, waist tightening corsets that makes it look like her midsection is about 20" around. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty freaky.

Here we have the Sultry Russian Tatianna TaTa, in between performances, throwing out a vicious double GoM with a nice extension. I give her a solid 8.5 for this. We had the pleasure of hanging out with her after the show when I was there last and she was very a hoot.

Yes, I said hoot. Shut your face.

I'll be seeing them all again very soon, so I'm quite sure there will be a blog with many more of these lovelies showing the love for the Grapefruits of Metal!!!

A Tale of Two Meatheads

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 01:50:00 +0000

A WARNING: This is a VERY long blog, and I realize most people have the attention span of reading the directions on a ketchup packet, but there is NO way to tell this story in a few brief paragraphs. So suck it up and read it.

Let's start this newest blog by identifying the actors involved in the story to follow, shall we?

The esteemed gentleman on the right, sporting the lovely Swarm of Eyes t-shirt, is my best friend of 22 years, Dana.

The drunk meathead on the left, in the "Affliction" t-shirt and the Jarhead haircut, is the guy Dana tried to kill thirty minutes prior to this picture being taken.

Let me go back to where the beginning of this tale started. My friends and I are enjoying some soothing Death metal bands, and after the second act, we head outside for some fresh air. As I walked out of the building I heard, from the smoking area just to the right, the following in a slurred, tough guy voice: "Yeah, but how many fights have you been in? I've been in WAY more fights than you bro."

All I could do was roll my eyes and hope to steer clear of Chuck Liddell Jr that night. Oh, but that wasn't to be the case, was it?

Cue the third band hitting the stage and the crowd milling back into the club just as the strains of chugging guitars bled through the walls to those of us outside. My friends and I weren't familiar with the band playing, but we like to show support for everyone playing and up there working hard. I think it's disrespectful to not give every band your attention at a club. But that's just me.

So the band has a good amount of people up front crowding the stage, bobbing their heads along to the catchy hardcore/metal riffs. At least they were until Captain Fights-a-lot and his two douchenozzle friends decide that they are going to turn the floor into their own private Drunk Karate Mosh Pit. Elbows are flying at heads, feet are kicking with the coordination of a wounded rhino, and people are scattering for the back of the club.

And listen, I don't want you to think I'm an old fuddy-duddy. In my younger days I mixed it up in quite a few mosh pits myself. When I was 19. I think it's great the kids can cut loose at a show and release some pent up aggression and have a fun time. But these steakheads were at least mid-30's. And drunk when they got to the club. That can only mean they were there to start trouble.

The rest of us? We are too old for that crappola. Most of us in the crowd stood around with a drink in hand and fiddling with our cellphones wearing a pair of earplugs asking each other, "Are they really loud, or is that just me?"

The biggest mistake I made this night was not grabbing Dana and going to the back of the club. It's almost like I refused to accept that these assclowns could make me have to move away. So we stood our ground, trying to look cool and like it was no big deal. But every time a windmilling set of arms came whizzing by, I knew that standing up for my principles was a bad idea in this instance. And I could see Dana's blood pressure soaring; his face tightening as his level of annoyance rose and turned into anger. RIGHT THEN I should have grabbed him and headed back to the bar area. But nooooooooooooo, I'm waiting it out so I don't look like a complete puss for backing away.

Just then, the guys seem to calm down. The dancing stops. Maybe they were tired, or the song was over. I don't know, but they are just ambling around now and one of them heads to the bar. He walks between Dana and I and slightly bumps into him. I can see Dana's anger growing, like one of those cartoon characters that their head turns into a giant thermometer and you see the mercury rising until it pops. And when Captain Mixed Martial Arts walked by him next and bumped him...that thermometer POPPED.

Wow, this is getting long. Did I lose you yet? Hello?

The term "all hell broke loose" doesn't even begin to describe the next three minutes or so. Dana is screaming at the guy; Meathead is asking him if he wants to go outside to fight; I'm holding Dana back as best as I can while he screams he's going to effing kill the guy. Another dude is grabbing Dana by the wrists trying to calm him down...when Dana breaks free of me and a few other people and grabs this guy trying to help him around the throat with both hands and slams him against the wall. Like out of a movie, I'm not even kidding, he was like a killer cyborg in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

EVERYONE is jumping on everyone else now and we get Dana free of this guy, and he starts punching the wall. Meanwhile, Meathead is still standing there, asking ME if my friend wants to go outside and fight him. He's not angry or upset. He doesn't even know what the problem is. He's just up for a fight. I swear I'm dealing with complete clowns. I really must have had better things to do than babysit.

For the sake of the length of this column, I'll try and wrap it up quick. I get Dana outside and calm him down, which is no small feat. He was thirsty, from all the screaming and threatening I guess, so I gave him the only thing I had in the car...an energy drink. Brilliant! Settle the guy down with stimulants! I'm a genius!

Once I get him in a better place and his blood pressure is down, we headed back to the club. I see the Meatheads out front smoking and I go right up to them and start shaking their hands. Dana follows suit and everyone seems cool...until the guy says, "What was your fucking problem anyway?"

Oh lord.

Dana starts saying you shoved me, the guy says no you did...blah blah...so we leave on tense terms again, me continuously apologizing for everything, even though I didn't DO anything. I hurry him back into the club and we are watching the fourth band play. About halfway through I notice Dana has disappeared. I look around for him. No where. I ask a few friends if they've seen him. They say he headed outside when I wasn't looking. Oh Christ on a cracker...

I RUN out of the club and the second I get outside I see Dana and Captain Shitfaced laughing their heads off, acting like old friends talking about their college days. (Ok, neither of these two probably made it out of 10th grade, but that's not the point) It was at that moment I knew I needed to capture them on film together with the Grapefruits of Metal pose, because I had to get SOMETHING out of this ridiculous night with these two rocket scientists.

Hmmm...that whole story really went downhill fast and didn't really have a payoff, did it? Meh.

Guess which one of us doesn't wash his black t-shirts in cold water?

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 23:53:00 +0000

Just kidding, we are metal-heads, we don't wash our t-shirts! We have our mothers do it while we play video games in our "apartment" in the basement of our parent's houses.

Ok, ok...that's not true. I didn't want to admit the truth because it's even more embarrassing than that. In reality, three of us are the House Bitch at home and we do the laundry...and cleaning...and cooking...etc.

Guess which one isn't married. I'll give you a hint: The gay looking one swishing around the highball glass like he's trying out for a part in Sex and the City 3.

This night was fraught with ossim and the crazy. I'll divulge more as I post follow up blogs about the evening of metal mayhem. I rarely get out these days, as I'm usually busy hiding from the paparazzi and counting my stacks of money. But a bunch of bands I'm friends with were playing a killer show and I had to get out and support them. I'll have some links and photos of them coming soon when I'm not as lazy.

This first picture consists of me, the devastatingly handsome one front left. Then George my guitarist and songwriter extraordinaire in Swarm of Eyes front right bringing the full on screaming Grapefruits of Metal pose. Back left is Jay, who lives in WI now and came to visit Boston for this show (one of the bands on the tour hailed from East bumfuck WI) and to see old friends. It's too bad he was so blistered drunk he needed these photos to remember ANY OF IT. Last but not least is my best friend of 22 years, Dana. More on him and the mayhem that ensued when he opened a carton of crazy that night in the next blog.

Oooooo....I really know how to make you want to come back for more, don't I?!?

Quasimodo and his pal Farmer Mike

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 11:58:00 +0000

I can't look at this picture and not absolutely crack up when I look at Mike (He's the handsome one on the right, by the way). He makes the best faces. I tried to play along and make a wacky face too...but I just look like I am coughing up a hairball. Once again the ever pulchritudinous Mike bests me in the Handsome Contest!! Curse him and his rugged good looks!

But what the HELL is with his hands?!? They are like that tiny little hands guy in the Burger King commercial who won't eat a Whopper because he can't hold it. And then his friend holds it for him while he bites into it. That's just creepy. Seriously, I don't have any friends that I'm close enough with to hold their burger for them while they eat it.

I know what some of you are thinking, "Ha, you don't even have any friends you stupid jerk!". But trust me, I'll get my revenge on you. But first I have to put on some eyeliner and cry in my room listening to The Cure.

On a totally separate note, I want to apologize to the six of you for the lack of updates lately. I've been very, VERY busy doing important stuff.

Like watching Pawn Stars and eating Cheetos. I know, I know, I really do live the dream.

Feel the power held within the grasp of it's spiny digits!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Fri, 28 May 2010 16:54:00 +0000

This photo is ten gallons of awesome in a five pound bag. The fact that it was submitted by a die-hard fan of this blog unsolicited makes it an instant legend.

The photo was submitted by Satan himself, who you might recall from two previous blog entries. His wife insists on calling him Tony, but you know how women are. *twirls finger in circles in the air next to his head*

And this is the first inanimate object to be featured making the Grapefruits of Metal (besides George Romero, he was pretty inanimate...I'm not sure he's even still alive in that photo I took with him). So that's pretty awesome. Maybe I should make a spin-off blog featuring non-human objects making the pose. Then I could have TWO time consuming blogs that no one will read!! Weeeeeeee!!!

So thank you very much for the submission, Satan/Tony. I hope others are inspired by your imagination and follow suit. Get me some pics people!! You could win big prizes* if I choose your submission as the most creative!!

*Naaaah, not really. I just made that up.

There are so many things wrong with this photo...

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Fri, 28 May 2010 12:42:00 +0000

I don't even know where to begin. Ok, yes I do, the black socks (Wow, I'm such a Red Sox fan that I actually just typed "socks" as "sox" and had to go back and edit it) with the black sneakers. Is that a pair of Easy Spirits?!? WTF?!? I'm just missing the fanny-pack and my decent into tourist hell would complete....

Oh, wait, good news, I just noticed something just as bad!! I have a camera case STRAPPED to my belt!! I know, I know....you thought it was a holster for my six shooter or something. Well my bounty hunter days are long over and my weapon of choice these days is a mid-level priced digital camera with 10x optical zoom. It's deadly....for snapping blurry photos!!

And don't you dig my Trans-Am tank top? I think it was a Hot Topic clearance item I picked up for $5 about 10 years ago. That's no excuse though. The shirt is terribly stupid. But it sure works for this white trash/tourist ensemble!

Let's move on to the epic points of this photo. First and foremost, THE SHARK. Sharks are awesome. I don't care who you are or how cool you think you are, or how well traveled you think you are, the second you see a shark you are like a little kid who just walked into Disney World for the first time. I could watch sharks swim around for hours on end and never be bored. Just admit you would too, and we'll move on.

Another epic point to this photo that wouldn't be obvious to you the reader is that I took this back in 2006. I didn't think I've been doing the Grapefruits of Metal for that long. Wow, four years. I honestly don't know when I really started doing it, but this seems to be the oldest picture I have documenting my complete awesomeness.

This photo was taken at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in Nassau, Bahamas. This place is RIDICULOUS. Look at the link and check out the pictures. They have like four private beaches and about fifty pools. The giant "bridge" between two buildings is actually a penthouse suite. It costs $15k a NIGHT to stay in. They called it the Michael Jackson Suite because....... he used to stay there all the time. See, you thought I was going to write some crass joke about him, didn't you? Well I wanted to, I just couldn't think of anything good. They have TWO aquariums there, one with all the colorful fish...and one for the "predators". (WAIT. I think I just made a joke and didn't even mean too! Let me try it out, "they call that predator tank 'The Michael Jackson Aquarium'." HAR!!)

Oh, and I didn't actually get to STAY at this hotel, I just visited it while I was on a crappy cruise in the Bahamas. For an afternoon I got to see how the rich people vacation. *sigh*

Bermuda Week Revisited: Hotter Than Hell!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 25 May 2010 22:47:00 +0000

I just found one more picture from Bermuda that I forgot to post! I can't believe I left this one out!! How many people get to meet The Dark Lord on the shuffleboard deck of a cruise ship?!?

We hit it off pretty well right away, seeing as we had a lot in common (heavy metal, comic books, I had a sunburn, etc) and before you know it we were BFF's and hitting the beach together. Not surprisingly he likes to snorkel, but he's not a great swimmer! Shhhh!! He'd kill me if he knew I told you that!

The other great thing about hanging with the living embodiment of evil? NEVER waiting for things at the buffet! People part like the Red Sea when you are trying to fight for the Pasta Bar or the Pancake station.

Out of the way Blue hairs! Move your walker and try not to soil your Depends, Beelzebub and I are on the hunt for over priced frozen drinks in collectible cruise line novelty cups!! Wooooooooooo!!!!

Oh, and feel free to go to the link that's in the pic and check out the crazy, wacky adventures of 664: Neighbor of the Beast! It's my very, VERY good friend's web series, and I think you will LOVE IT!!

Make sure to comment here and tell me how it is, because honestly, I've never watched the thing. Looks kinda dumb.

Chronicles of The Satanic Babysitter

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Sun, 23 May 2010 23:50:00 +0000

Need a night out to dinner with the missus? Want to catch the latest chick flick that your husband is DYING to see with you? But you just can't find any teens in the neighborhood to sit for you because kids these days are all thieving meth heads?

Well we have the perfect solution: Satan.

Sure, he has a bit of a bad rap, but with so many people in America now leaning back to the far right, conservative Christian way of life and trying to send us back to the Dark Ages, things are a bit slow for the Accuser of Job. What, with all the soul saving going on, what's a fallen angel to do?

That's right, watch your children! So contact him now at Lazy Horde and get your spare tire ready for some diet busting Olive Garden food this weekend, the kids are taken care of!

GAAAAHHHH!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Wed, 19 May 2010 22:12:00 +0000

The face on my brother, Bill, is scaring the HELL out of me. Seriously, click on the photo to enlarge it and tell me you didn't just mess your pants.

.....

Ok, now that you've had time to hide your shame in a rolled up old towel and stuff it way down deep in the trash, it's time to get down to business. And that business is making fun of my brother. Unfortunately, that business doesn't make me one damn dime. Thanks again for nothing, BILL.

Bill's been featured here before, and it's safe to say I'll continue to make him take these ridiculous photos for my amusement. Dance monkey, dance!! This was taken this past Easter at my mother's house (Isn't her wallpaper very...floral?) He's the complete polar opposite of me in just about every way. I've always been the evil one, and he's been the white hat. But for this photo... he turned to the dark side.

He can't usually pull off playing the bad guy. He loved Han Solo as a kid and Indiana Jones. *cough*stilldressesuplikehim*cough* Where as I loved Darth Vader and that evil little monkey that poisoned the dates. Who couldn't love a villain like that? Awwww...who's a cute widdle monkey assassin?

Here I think some combination of the black shirt, the way his face is lit and a facial expression that says, "You just killed my 24th level Paladin, even though he had a +4 cloak of invincibility, you motherf****r!!!". Yes, he's THAT serious about his Dungeons & Dragons...

Whatever it is, I friggin' love this picture. I think it could be because after all the times I've made him do this pose, he FINALLY made a brutal face. Usually he's smiling or laughing. There's no smiling in the grapefruits of metal!!! This is serious effing business.

Bermuda Week: Part V - The Last Hurrah

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Wed, 19 May 2010 00:20:00 +0000

This photo makes me sad. That is Boston in the background as the ship pulled up to the pier. I had to take one more Grapefruits of Metal picture before the fabulous vacation was over, and I wanted it to be cathartic.

Actually, I just wanted it to be "cool", but I wanted to make use of my Word A Day calendar and sound smart. I peeked at tomorrow's word already. I don't even know how to pronounce "perspicacious"...

So Bermuda Week has come to a close, and I'm happy to say that I had a fantastic cruise from Boston to Bermuda, and I'd recommend it to everyone. We had a blast, ate too much, and finally played Shuffleboard. And as you can tell, got many great GoM pics. And a sunburn. The sunburn part sucked though.

And in closing I'd like to put the call out again for anyone reading this to send me some great pics of you, or your friends, or even pets, doing the now legendary pose. Send all pics to motokops@gmail.com.

INVISIBLE BEER KEG!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Tue, 18 May 2010 01:28:00 +0000

That's exactly what my friend Casey is wishing he was carrying in the above photo.

And so I begin Bermuda Week: Part IV. There won't be many more installments though. Not just because it's probably been more than a week (what am I Father Time? I don't know how many days it's been...), but because I don't know how many more Roman Numerals I actually know.

Who even needs them anyway? All they are used for is sequels to movies and copyright dates on movies when they want to sound fancy and not just write "2010" or whatever. I hate trying to read the back of the DVD package trying to figure out what all those letters add up to. Adding letters...crazy talk!! No wonder those Romans are all extinct now!! Next up to go the way of the Dinosaurs, everyone in Hollywood and the movie business!!

And a new first for this blog...a SECOND photo. Please help welcome me to the intricate layout designs of 1999! I'm catching up though...just got some stock in AOL and Napster!

Casey is such a good sport playing along with the Grapefruits of Metal pose I just had to post him twice. I also REALLY need his help if I'm going to finish my basement....so any sucking up I can do would be wise.

Bermuda Week: Part III - "Now it's Personal"

noreply@blogger.com (Lord Citrus Death) — Sun, 16 May 2010 21:55:00 +0000

Ben & Mary > EVERYONE

That's right, EVERYONE. Including myself. These GoM virgins, showed me up in Bermuda by striking this EPIC pose for me on the pink sands of Horseshoe Bay. I don't have ONE photo from the trip this majestic. I will hunt them down and make them pay...

If only I remembered to ask their last name. I did a google search for, "ben, mary, bermuda". Nothing. Then I tried "hot, young, russian, teens" and got MUCH better results.

While my faithful adventure sidekick, Casey, and I were exploring the inlets and beaches around Horseshoe Bay, we came across this couple enjoying their honeymoon. They were taking photos of each other and we offered to take some photos of them together with their camera. After acertaining that it was a piece of crap point and shoot Wal-mart special, we opted to actually take the pics and not run off with the barely better than a Polaroid camera.

After we finished the amazing photo shoot, I asked if it would be ok if I snapped a few pics of them in a killer pose. Without hesitation, and I'm not even kidding, they both got into the above pose and said, "You mean like this?"

I was stunned. Either my ego just got a major boost and I'm actually FAMOUS for this now....or more likely, they saw us do the GoM on the rocks about fifty times that morning. Yeah, you are right it's most likely the former.

I had to laugh when Mary said to me, "Are we going to end up on the internet?". Haha, Mary, of course. And you'll be famous in no time! Well, maybe if you were a little hotter...