Grateful Dating

Stevens Elementary [Flickr]

2009-11-06T21:05:35-08:00

J-Blue posted a photo:

Wood in fence [Flickr]

2009-11-04T17:21:59-08:00

J-Blue posted a photo:

Abandoned walker [Flickr]

2009-11-03T18:56:33-08:00

J-Blue posted a photo:

Sweet green...yogurt [Flickr]

2009-11-03T18:56:27-08:00

J-Blue posted a photo:

Umbrella cover [Flickr]

2009-11-02T19:06:33-08:00

J-Blue posted a photo:

Overall: good

2009-11-02T17:55:00.001-05:00

Today is one of those days I would've liked to stay home. While I do have plenty of work to do, none of it is pressing. But, here I am at the office nevertheless. Why? Because I have no sick leave and I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Anyway. I am here and feeling a little sick to my stomach and tired and unfocused. Too bad because last week was a very good one at work but instead of sharp, I now feel dull.

On the bright side, I had a pretty good weekend. First, I had a happy hour on Friday. It didn't go at all as planned. I was hoping to have a chance to talk to work-friend, Nina, but other (much more annoying) workmate, Mandy, came along. Ok, whatever, we can all be pleasant. We went to a new bar that was Nina’s choice and it was packed, packed, packed. After about 15 minutes and no drink, I couldn't take it. I could find no where to stand without constantly having to get out of someone's way. Feeling a little claustrophobic, I made my apologies and left. I felt a little bad but I thought that I was not going to waste my time being somewhere I didn't like with people I wasn't crazy about.

I stopped in another bar down the street and had a so-so martini. and then I picked up some take-out Chinese food for dinner, so actually, the evening turned out rather well.

Saturday, I had soccer and a party. I did a lot of knitting in the morning and grocery shopping on the way home from the game. The game was ok. We tied, we had subs, so I wasn't completely spent by the end. Yet, I don't know how much I contribute to the team. I'm there, I try, that's about the extent of it.

The party was actually seeing a band in a bar. I knew a few people and talked to them. I watched the band upstairs for a bit but found them uninspiring. I went back downstairs and struck up a conversation with a woman wearing an interesting non-sexy costume. Then I met her friends--and who had I found? A bunch of mathematicians! They bought me a shot and I hung out with this friendly group for the rest of the night. Come to think of it, they bought me a beer later on too. I got a bit toasty.

And, again, there came a point when I knew it was time for me to go home. I said goodbye to my new friend and gave her my number (though I don't expect to hear from her). I hopped on the bus and paid with a dollar--didn't even attempt to put in the additional 35 cents, and the driver said nothing. Rode the bus the six blocks home and stayed up for a while longer watching a movie.

On Sunday, I didn't feel so great. I rarely have a hangover, but not never. My head didn't bother me so much as my stomach, but I didn't get sick and after an hour or so, I was ok. I did a bunch of knitting and some cooking. Around 4pm, I went out to see a "rough cut" screening of a film--but I'm sworn to secrecy about all details. What a shame! But when it comes out, I'll tell you all about it. It was a fun and interesting experience.

This week should be pretty good too. I have a few things planned but it shouldn’t be as busy as last week. And, heck, if I’m still feeling poorly after the doctor tomorrow, I’ll just go on home.

Grateful for: lots of interesting things to do.

Hello!

2009-10-30T13:34:00.001-04:00

(Note to self: do not apologize for not blogging, do not apologize for not blogging, ad infinitum.)

I have to say, things are going well. Much better than I would have predicted a month ago. Work is interesting. I'm not bored and I don't hate it. When was the last time I said that? I have a new project that I researched and wrote up the "statement of work" for in a little over a week. I'm unreasonably pleased with it and looking forward to seeing the project all the way through. It's not even one of those projects I was hoping to get--it's something new, high-profile, and now that I've written the first pass, I'm ready to take it on.

What I know about myself is that when I actually get working, especially if it's a lit review + writing deal, I work fast. That means I'll be ready to pump out the next project in just a week or so. Great!

Socially, I am reaching out a little. I joined a book group and have already enjoyed a lively internet conversation (about old movies) with another member. I'm making friends with a woman on my soccer team, who, after having dinner at my house, invited me to about three other events (including a trip to Montana to visit her in-laws--she could tell I was a little surprised and she explained that she and her husband like to bring friends along because his mom is a little nuts--heh).

I also got email from a "now actually in the army" Kent. Very short but sweet. The last email I sent him was right after Curt broke up with me. Always good to hear from Kent and I'm kind of touched that when he had brief access to a computer he took the time to write to me. He is a good guy and if he'd been open to it, I would have kept him. His friendship means a lot to me. He's always consistently encouraging and sympathetic and usually knows just the right thing to say. I know that if we were in person and I were losing it around him, he'd remain calm and supportive (a right contrast to Curt!). Anyway. Enough of that.

Real life is good and lively enough. I spent a bit on semi-practical treats for myself after the break up and I'm thoroughly enjoying them. I got a clever bento-style lunch box and I've been using it almost every day. I got some new shoes that are extremely comfortable--but unfortunately look a little bit like slippers, though they are quite sturdy enough for a day hike. Their improbable looks haven't kept me from wearing them to the office for the last two days, but they look a lot less silly with my jeans today than my work trousers yesterday.

I also bought a passel of yarn. I'd been trying to hold off but I was itching to get my hands on some new stuff for baby blankets. I had a niece get married in the spring and I expect she'll be expecting soon enough. Another niece is likely to get married in the winter, so I went ahead and got another color for her. I haven't started these blankets yet since I'm still working on a couple of pairs of socks (one for me, one for Mom) and have a stalled out shawl and sweater. I've pretty much decided the sweater is a lost cause. I need to rip it all the way back and knit a simple sweater VEST instead for myself. I have a lot of cardigans but no vests and I know I'd get a lot of use of it. Plus a vest is so much easier than a cardigan! Not sure when I'll get to it, but within the next month. I also have a scarf to make for a nephew and nephew-in-law, but I think no rush on those either. Also, I really want to make something for Kent. Way back when (he was still my bf!) I knit him a hat and fingerless gloves. I think he got good use out of both those items. Now, don't you think he could use some warm simple socks in the army? We'll see.

I am keeping busy but not too busy. Just enough to get me out of the house and tire me out a bit. I have a happy hour tonight, soccer tomorrow, Halloween party tomorrow, mystery movie screening Sunday (not a mystery movie, rather a rough cut of something I can't blog about--it probably won't be too exciting). Plus I need to go grocery shopping, cook for dinner and lunches and do a whole bunch of knitting in there. I kinda doubt I'm going to make it to the movies.

Last, this is how I tied my shoes today. Ian's shoelace site is hilarious and pretty cool.

Grateful for: good cheer and opportunities.

So there

2009-10-21T12:52:00.001-04:00

Occasionally, I get emails from folks who want me to link to their sites or promote their products (or sites). I don't know why they think anyone is reading my blog...but my guess is that they blanket teh blog-o-sphere with requests and even though my readership is small, I still have a blog...and there you go.

These days, I find that I'll often get two or three emails from the same source, the second and third asking if I recall the first message and hoping that I'll get in touch. I've long stopped responding to most of these solicitations, but sometimes, I can't resist.

The latest email I've received is promoting a dating site for "cougars." Do I have to explain the term? (Older women who pursue younger men, possibly in predatory manner.) I can't tell you how sexist and offensive I find the popularization of this idea of womanhood. I mean, really. What would you call an older man who purposefully pursued younger women? A MAN. Ugh. (Granted, both men and women with much younger romantic partners may get called "cradle-robbers," but don't the men get it with a wink, nod and possible high five, whereas the women are often looked with a bit more suspicion? The term "cougar" doesn't help much at all.)

I had no intention of responding to the email, but the last one shared a link to a "report" they'd done and said this was my chance to get a look at it before it went to the mainstream media (who would care?). Being a social scientist, and this being a survey, I decided to take a look. The report wasn't much--just a listing of a few "findings" and some godawful graphs. The questions were acceptable. The real problem was that they surveyed 100 women (what about the men?) and didn't explain how they drew the sample. So, basically, the "results" are meaningless. I then sent them the following response:

What can I tell you? I have often dated younger men, but I find any dating approach that emphasizes one quality in a person--especially an immutable quality, like age or race--to be distasteful. I didn't date those guys because they were younger. I dated a person and he happened to be younger.

So, that's why I'm not comfortable linking to your site. And, even though I have used online dating sites (mostly unsuccessfully), I don't care to promote any of them.

As to your report, as a social scientist, I find the methods troubling. The questions are actually interesting but how did you select the 100 women you interviewed? If you didn't use a statistical method, it's inappropriate to generalize your results to the larger population.

That said, I wish you well, but I'm not interested in publicizing your site or report. If you need some survey help, I might be available for that.

I bet that got 'em good! I seem to have too much time on my hands. Heh.

Grateful for: a (snappy) retort.

No rest

2009-10-18T12:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not very happy about this break up but I will say that, so far, it's not getting me down. I don't feel like an idiot for choosing to date someone obviously inappropriate, unavailable or otherwise incapacitated (I'm thinking: Owen, Kent and Kansas). Maybe Curt and I weren't "right" for each other but he wasn't an asshole, an alcoholic or overseas. I actually dated an interesting, smart, decent guy in the same continent. I'd say that's a win.

Anyway, I'd been planning to do a lot of cooking over the weekend and I dove right in yesterday by making some soup that will last for weeks (and is now mostly frozen) and a hearty kale and sausage dinner. I was going to make some navy bean stew, but the beans were still hard last night after soaking for many hours. In fact, they were still hard this morning. I suspect they were so old that they will never soften. Argh. I bought some more this morning and will see if I have better luck. If the newer dried beans don't get soft either...well, then, either they were old in the store or I have the wrong expectations for the pre-cooking/post-soaking state of the beans. The only other dried beans I've cooked with were split peas and I think they get soft no matter what. Anyone have dried bean knowledge to share with me?

Also, a while ago, I requested to join a reading group. I needed to email an introduction of myself to the group moderators but I hadn't. Yesterday, I did. More social outlets=good. Especially a low-key one like a reading group. Happily, I was accepted to the group. Now I have to send ANOTHER intro email, this time to the whole group. I find this process a little bizarre. I started writing lists in my head of all of the things worth mentioning about myself. I don't know what is appropriate. What do you think? Here is a list:

Entered college at 15 (skipped high school)
English major (creative writing emphasis)
VISTA volunteer
PhD holder
Collegiate (kinda) rower
Weekend soccer player
Former softball and kickball (ugh) player
Knitter
Government researcher
Former "big sister", current monthly reading volunteer
Aunt to eight
Movie and book lover
Took a "sabbatical" in Paris
Pseudonymous blog writer

I certainly wouldn't mention all of that in an "about me," though I did mention knitting, soccer, government job, current volunteering and the sabbatical in my first email. Too much? Not enough? I'm somewhat at a loss as to how to describe myself. What kind of person am I? Is it for me to say? It's probably best to stick to a catalog of activities since someone filling an email with adjectives about herself sounds pretty off-putting. But, jeez, it also seems like a lot of pressure. Just what I need!

Now it's time to get back to the kitchen and see if I can get those beans to soften up. Maybe I'll even get around to that cleaning I keep putting off. Anything is possible.

Grateful for: lots of activities.

Whoops

2009-10-17T16:38:00.000-04:00

That's what I get for being complacent, thinking things were "good enough." Work is going ok. I'm not unhappy. I'm not thrilled but I'm reasonably interested in what I'm doing and I'm optimistic about the new boss. If she does a good job, then I may actually get to happy--she gets to deals with the administrative headaches and I get to do interesting work. Sounds good to me. I was ambivalent about the job but I would have relished the challenge. Hopefully I can find challenges elsewhere.

Say, for example, in my personal life. As of last night, I no longer have a boyfriend. I was dumped. Damn, I was NOT expecting that. I thought it would be up to me to end things, when and if it was time. Sure, the time was probably coming, but I wasn't sure. We argued too much. It wasn't easy enough. But I liked him, I liked having a boyfriend (sigh) and it was handy. Not having a boyfriend is decidedly inconvenient. Other than my usual bout of self-pity, though, I'm not suffering too much. The last break-up was a lot harder. I'm not sure if that helps.

What can I tell you? I still think Curt is a decent guy. At least I didn't choose another asshole or loser. I just tried to make it work with someone who, in his own words wasn't "right for me." Oh well.

Grateful for: patience.

Another day...

2009-10-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good, slow, semi-productive weekend. Curt was out of town, which was initially disappointing, but it turned out to be a good thing. I had a lot of things I needed and wanted to do and I got most of it done. I did want to clean the house but managed only laundry and dishes. Floors will get mopped...someday. It's a little gross but, really, it's not a high priority. After a day of running around shopping, walking, cooking, I don't want to mop--I want to knit for an hour or two.

On my guest editing gig, I got a very rough draft of the guest editor's intro written over the weekend. Today I received the revised and final versions of all the papers and most of my time was spent reviewing them. I am not satisfied with what I've written for the intro and I got the deadline extended until next week. My erstwhile co-editor got in touch and said he'd have something for me by tomorrow--if I wanted. After talking it over with the main editor, I decided to tell my co-editor not to bother. And, according to the main editor, I won't be "co" anymore, I'll just be the "guest editor." As it should be. What's nice is that I didn't have to ask him to make this change, he just volunteered it. (Even crazier is that the editor is my now-former most disliked supervisor! It's all about context.) So, I have a few more days to work on the intro and maybe a little bit of time for other projects. Whew.

I also met my new boss today, very briefly. She was held captive by our stultifying (dis)orientation process all day and didn't show up until around 5pm. We shook hands and she said it was nice to meet me. I nodded. She said, "I'm really looking forward to working with you." Pause. "And everyone else!" I'm sure they told her I expected to get the job. Hey, at least she's playing nice, points for that. As for the rest, we'll see. I'm actually kind of interested in my work right now. If that continues, and she's reasonable, that would be great.

And the rest continues as well. How have I managed to have a boyfriend this long? Wild. But he does make me a little crazy sometimes. Today, we were talking on the phone and I asked him, jokingly, if he has plans for Halloween. Turns out he's invited to a Halloween party (the week before, but it is a costume party). First I've heard of it! My thought, why didn't he invite me? Now, the party is in his hometown, which is a couple of hours drive away. He goes up there pretty often (every other month?) and I haven't expected him to invite me. I have wondered when/if he will invite me. He always stays with his parents and that is a bit of an awkward situation, so there's really no need to worry about including me. Not to mention I'm fine with a boyfriend-free weekend now and then.

But going up just for a party? Hrm. When he told me, I laughed. Then I said, "I want to say what I'm thinking but I don't think you'll like it, so I won't."

He said, "I think I know what you want to say. Go ahead."

"No...it's ok."

"You're thinking, 'why didn't you tell me?'" He said.

I said, "Well, no. I was wondering why you didn't invite me."

"Oh." He paused. "Do you want to go?"

I laughed again. The upshot was a sincere invitation (lordy) but the reason why he didn't ask me originally was that there's no place for me to sleep at his parents' house. I didn't ask for details. I pointed out that I have a good friend in his town (and I've stayed with her before). I've recently re-connect with this friend on facebook (it's good for something!) and I was thinking I'd like to visit her soon and I'd hitch a ride up there with Curt. So--if it's cool with her, maybe I will be joining him at the party. Does this mean I need a costume?

Grateful for: equanimity.

Knitting!

2009-10-11T14:28:00.000-04:00

I know you all are dying to see some of my finished-product knitting. Ok, one person is interested. I do try and take pics of my knitting, though I often give things away before I get a chance. When I do take a picture I upload it to Ravelry or stick it on Flickr. Taking clear, true-to-color pictures of knitting is surprisingly difficult. I did my best and these should give you some sense of what the items look like.

First, this is the triangular shawl I made for my sister-in-law in Israel. Once I blocked it, I couldn't get the whole thing in frame!

Here it is unblocked:

Here's a sock I'm working on. The first one is almost finished, as you can sort of see.

More socks. I finished these when I was in Seattle in September...

Oh, and here is Curt modeling the socks I made for him:

Ok, maybe that's enough knitting for now!

Grateful for: a hobby I love.

Update

2009-10-10T13:54:00.000-04:00

A quick note on what happened with my erstwhile co-editor. (You know, I co-edited a newsletter for AGES and it was never anything less than a pain in my ass. I'll be the editor or an assistant--but I'll never co-anything again. So not worth it.)

The fella sent me an email on Friday, after I'd left for the day (we got out early due to Columbus Day--but I did stay a couple of hours after our early dismissal 'cause I was working!). I'd written, "Consider it handled." He wrote, "Consider what handled?" I talked it over with Curt, who actually thought my initial message was confusing (which is fine) and we decided that I wouldn't answer. I can claim to have not seen the message. And if he shows up on Tuesday with the intro written, I'll decide if I want to incorporate his work with mine.

As to the article he was supposed to read, I finished that on Friday and got the comments to the author, who now has time to make the (minor) changes by Tuesday. Dude.

I am having a hard time getting a lot of writing done, but I'm trying. I have about a page of notes. I think I need something about two or three pages total. I'll do the best I can.

I did a bunch of shopping yesterday and got started on all my mundane household tasks: mending, laundry, pics of knitting (coming soon). I still have a bunch of cleaning to do but I decided that, despite the need, cleaning is my lowest priority for the weekend, after work, exercise, grocery shopping and cooking. If I can get all that done, and still have energy, I'll clean.

Grateful for: a plan.

Call for help (and mini rant)

2009-10-09T07:52:00.000-04:00

Wow. I am stunned. Let me tell you what happened.

For several months, I've had an assignment to co-guest-edit a "symposium" (a bunch of articles) on a specific topic for the academic-style journal my department publishes. I actually got this assignment before I went to France and it was sitting there, no progress made at all, when I got back. The idea for the symposium came from a fellow who works in the office that runs the program. I don't work in that office and, in fact, I've never run a study about this program, though I'm reasonably familiar with it.

So, over the last several months, I've been doing this job with no help at all from my supposed co-editor (who now works in a different program office!). I sent the notice out that solicited the articles, I talked to the authors, I rounded up the reviews, I read and added my own comments to each article and I sent the comments and suggestions for revisions to the authors. What did my co-editor do? Nada.

The deadline is fast approaching. Part of the guest-editor duty (that I didn't realize until quite recently) is to write a short intro. Long ago, my co-editor said he'd get someone to write it--but he didn't.

With just a couple of weeks left, I asked my co-editor's old boss, who still works in the office where the program originates, for some help writing the intro. He referred me to the co-editor. Co-editor said he'd write the intro and review one paper--by Wednesday (that is, two days ago).

Yesterday, Thursday, I realized I hadn't heard from my co-editor. I called him. I emailed him. Nothing. Late in the day, I got a call from a woman in his office asking if I needed anything--since he was out of town ON VACATION until Tuesday. Tuesday is the deadline.

I was furious. I did my best not to vent all over the woman who called. I realized that I had to spend Friday and possibly most of the weekend reading the last paper and writing the intro. I reorganized my schedule accordingly and was sort of looking forward to seeing what I could do. I also have a good case for solo-editorship now, and that's ok too.

This morning, still at home, I check my work email and I see but this message from my erstwhile co-editor, "You'll get my intro next week- thought the deadline was 10/13. In Puerto Rico - reading the paper
this weekend. Will have any comments on Tuesday. Looks fine do far."

Um, what? He promised to read the article by Wednesday (two days ago). Both I and another person need to review the intro BEFORE Tuesday. He is leaving us no time at all.

I don't know how to respond. I'm not as angry as I was yesterday but I want to tell him not to bother. I don't trust him to finish when he says he will and he didn't even have the courtesy to let me know he couldn't make the deadline. Argh! My thought is that I will still do the work. Who knows if he'll come through? And if he doesn't, I'm the one who will look bad.

My question: how do I respond to his email?

Grateful for: work energy.

What is wrong with me?

2009-10-06T19:32:00.000-04:00

For the last couple of days, I've been ill. But the exact nature of the illness eludes me.

On Friday, I stayed home from work. I was tired, had a headache and felt a little nauseated. Saturday, I was a little better but not 100%. Sunday, I felt fine and went to work.

On Monday, I felt fine when I woke up but then was overwhelmed with exhaustion, nausea and that same lingering headache. I went to lie down for a minute and ended up sleeping for a couple of hours. I got up, had lunch, then slept again. I went to bed around 11pm and slept until 9am.

What is this weird illness I have? No fever or aches, so not the flu. But a weird kind of wooziness and tiredness. I didn't sleep today, but I did stay home from work again. Hmm...maybe it's that it's my most-disliked supervisor's last week. Nah, that can't be it!

I have lots of work to do and I managed some of it by email between naps. I didn't really ask for the sick days, just let the supervisor know I was staying home.

Oh, and I wasn't really home. I'd gone over to Curt's on Sunday night and I ended up staying over again on Monday because I was so out of it. He was very nice about it, letting me sleep and keeping me fed and comfortable. Even better, we had a good, easy time together.

Years ago, I got stranded at a bf's house due to a huge snowstorm. We ventured out for supplies and spent a week eating well and watching a lot of movies. He went out during that time but I got a cold and was basically housebound. It was probably the best time we had in our entire relationship--that little bit of playing house. With Curt, well, it wasn't like that since it wasn't so long, but we had some of the same rhythms and it was comforting, though I'm not sure how he felt about it. He needs a lot of alone time and we don't see each other more than three times a week usually--even now. I enjoy "togetherness" more than he does but he seemed fine (and I can more or less tell when he's unhappy by now).

It's back to work tomorrow, unless I have a fever or something. Enough is enough!

Grateful for: a few days rest.

Working

2009-10-04T17:42:00.001-04:00

It's Sunday and I'm at the office. My presence isn't due to any virtuous work ethic on my part. Rather, since I didn't work on Yom Kippur, I agreed to come in today to make up for it--and not have to use up my scanty annual leave.

While I had to drag myself in and arrived much later than I should have, I've actually gotten a lot done. I stuck to clearing up the backlog of reading material waiting for comments (should I have them--none so far). I find this reading tedious at best and almost impossible to do with the normal office sounds happening in our cubicle land. It's very hard to do with headphone on too, though I do have a little music playing quietly over speakers, which does help. Otherwise the silence is too creepy.

Update: remember the Good Samaritan who helped me with my fence? When he came back to finish up, I gave him cookies. He started eating them immediately, so we'll take that as a sign that I "did the right thing." I also asked if I could call him if I needed help with anything else and he said yes. I may have a new handyman, which would be great.

I am also very happy that the overwhelming work craziness has subsided. I'm kind of busy at work, which always makes me happier. I hope to continue to keep busy and find things to do that interest me. The new supervisor arrives in about a week and let's hope she values my contribution and can help me get what I want out of this job. In the meantime, I'll keep looking and try to apply for those one or two sort of interesting things that I've seen. It's so hard. Oh inertia, how constant you are.

I'm knitting a TON. I have about seven projects of various sizes going. That's extreme--usually I like to have three things going--something easy, something complicated, and something big but simple. Instead I'm making a fairly simple scarf/stole, a complicated but small scarf, two pairs of socks (one complicated, one simple), a very simple hat, an very complicated stole and a sweater. The sweater is for me (most of that other stuff is for me too, but you never know what I'll end up giving away) and I was nearly done but had to rip it way back. Now I think I should probably start over. It was good practice working out the numbers and all but it's got so many issues that I'm not sure it will ever be wearable. Starting all over again, knowing what I know now, might be the wise thing to do. In the meantime, though, I think I'll work though my other projects and decide later.

Also, somewhat to my amazement, I still have a boyfriend. He was supportive during my minor work-induced mental breakdown. Now, was he perfect? No. I could imagine getting different responses at times that might have made me happier...but here's the thing: the person who might have given me those responses couldn't figure out how to actually be in my life. So, you know. Showing up is key. And Curt is here--he wants to be here and even when it was hard for him, he stuck around. Since my mood has leveled out, we're having a much better time together. I suppose that might not seem like such a big deal but it is a big deal. The frustration hasn't lingered...and I am so relieved that we get a chance to be together when things are easy. Not perfect...but what does that mean?

I am feeling more contented with things than I have for a while now, which is great. And I guess I'll be ready for work on Monday...I hope!

Grateful for: the people who stick around.

The long row of bikes

2009-09-22T22:12:00.001-04:00

The long row of bikes, originally uploaded by J-Blue.

I awoke to the revving of many engines. Heaps of motorcycle club members were gathered on my street.

The kindness of strangers

2009-09-21T20:38:00.001-04:00

Ok, so I will do my best to stop complaining about work. Yes, it's got me in a funk but I'm doing my best to work through it. I'm ramping up my job search, staying on top of my current duties and spending as much time away from the office as possible.

In that spirit, I left the office early and worked at home this afternoon. I took a break and decided to work on my back gate. We have a wooden gate in our back yard that leads out to the parking lot. The latch is a problem. It doesn't open easily--extending across the gap between the two doors and making is difficult to actually open the gate. Very annoying. I had an idea that if I reversed the hardware, it would solve the problem. (As it turned out, I was incorrect.) I got my toolbox out and started taking the hardware off the gate. A man across the alley spotted me and yelled out, "Got the right tools for the job?"

I said, "Yes! I do!"

After a bit, he came over and saw that I was unscrewing a bolt with a fixed wrench. He said, "You have a socket?"

In fact, I do have a socket set, but it was in the house. The socket driver was in my toolbox and he'd spotted it. I said, "Yes. But it's in the house."

"Oh. I have one." He went to his truck and came back with the right size socked. He asked for the socket driver and then he finished the unscrewing. He continued to help me, going so far as to bring out his electric drill to drive in some difficult screws. He had a buddy who came over and watched us. Sometimes they spoke in Spanish (even though my Spanish is ok, I couldn't really understand them).

When we got it all done, we could see it wasn't right. It wasn't fixed. If anything, it was worse. We talked a little about what the problem was and then I remembered the kind of latch we used to have on our back gate when I was a kid. You just attached a string or reached your hand over the top to release it.

The man went back to his van and brought out just such a latch. "But it won't work. It needs a rod. But I can make it for you. I can bring it tomorrow."

"Really? That would be great. I would like to pay you..."

He smiled, "Oh, no, no." He shook his head. His buddy smiled and shook his head too.

Before he left, he gave me his number so I could call when I was getting home tomorrow.

Later on, I was talking to Curt and I told him the story. I said, "But I should pay him..."

Curt said, "No, no, no! He doesn't want you to pay him. Don't insult him by paying him."

"Really? But he's spending his money..."

"It's not that much money."

I said, "And his time, that's worth more."

"He doesn't want to be paid."

I wonder. What do you think?

Grateful for: a kind stranger.

Nothing ever possibly in the least ever happens here...

2009-09-20T20:18:00.000-04:00

Nothing ever possibly in the least ever happens here...

At every opportunity, Tabitha the cat spends time in our hallway.
Grateful for: a good cat.

14

2009-09-17T21:46:00.002-04:00

Grateful for: a nice walk home.

Bugs

2009-09-16T21:03:00.002-04:00

Spotted on my walk home, near the National Museum of the American Indian.

Really?

2009-09-15T16:43:00.001-04:00

I have to say, the work dissatisfaction has gone into overdrive. I'm at my wits end, the end of my tether, at the end of my rope. It's the straw that broke the camel's back, a bridge too far, a...you tell me.

It's too much. Too inconsiderate, too insulting. I need a change. I need to "think outside of the box." But I'm in the box. I can't see my way out. I want to completely stop. I can't see changing for a different field. Or anything remotely related to what I do now. If I get out, I want all the way out. Still, I'd say a good 80% or more of my dissatisfaction comes from my current supervisor. Worst supervisor ever.

The worst supervisor ever let it drop in a meeting today that they've made an offer to someone for the division director job. Which means that I didn't get it. Nice way to tell me.

I'd say that crying at/about work more that once in the last week is not a good sign.

Grateful for: friends.

PS I know you will be tempted to tell me to get a new job. I hear you. You are probably right. I just...can't...move. At least not yet.

Office art

2009-09-14T23:33:00.003-04:00

Office art, originally uploaded by J-Blue.

Discovered in the empty office in our area. It's the only "real" office in a sea of cubicles.

Nationals vs Phillies

2009-09-14T23:33:00.001-04:00

Nationals vs Phillies (Baseball!), originally uploaded by J-Blue.

Went to the game last Thursday night. Pretty decent seats.

All better?

2009-09-11T13:01:00.001-04:00

I wish I could say it was all better today, but it's not. The incident with my journals seems to have set something off in me. I'm STILL upset and was upset most of yesterday evening, which I spent with Curt watching baseball. I just couldn't get out of my funk, which we both found exasperating. The evening wasn't a complete loss, but it sure would have been a lot more fun if I'd been in a better mood.

Curt tried, he really did, but mostly he offers advice when I'm upset and it doesn't help. Actually, it makes me feel worse because, look, there's all this stuff I should be doing and I'm not. I'm a lost cause. But, there isn't so much he could say that would make me feel better anyway. (What's sad is that a certain other recent ex possibly could, but maybe that's just the grass is greener syndrome.)

Oh, I am just one big, teary sigh today. At least it's Friday. And I honestly don't think it can get much worse.

Grateful for: the end of the week.

I hate my job

2009-09-10T13:47:00.001-04:00

Ok, this isn't news. In fact, it's so boring that I need to either get over myself or quit already. Sigh.

But...today, yet another petty but infuriating indignity was heaped on the others. My "boss" tried to throw away my personal journals.

Back story: I am a member of a professional association which includes a journal subscription. I used to belong to three. Over the years, I've collected dozens (hundreds?) of publications from these associations. The collection won't fit in my one bookshelf and would be inappropriately housed in my file cabinets (which I need for, um, FILES). A while back, our "boss" said that we could put things in his office that would become part of our informal library. Perfect, I thought, for all my journals. These are general journals in my field and while I don't refer to them too often, they are standard sources for scholarly social science research.

Today, I saw a short pile of my journals in the hallway outside the "boss's" office. That means that it's ok to throw them away.

I went into his suite and saw all the other journals stacked in the middle of the floor. I found him in his (inner) office and asked why my journals were in the hall and then said that they were my personal journals and that he needed to give them back to me, not throw them away.

He said they weren't of general interest. I said they had to come back to me. He said take them any time.

So, I have to find boxes, box my journals, bring them back to my cube and put them where exactly?

I don't want to work for him any more. I can't take it.

Grateful for: oh sigh. Venting?

Obsession

2009-09-08T17:11:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to write because my last post was such a bummer. But, oh well. I had a not very busy, but rather pleasant, long weekend spent obsessively using my brand new toy: an iPhone. I impulsively bought it on Friday, heading home after an afternoon happy hour prompted by our pre-holiday early dismissal. I was a little tipsy and the AT&T store was on the way home...so I went in and not an hour later I walked out with a new, fully functional iPhone in hand. Crazy. It is a lot of fun and very useful but possibly not essential. Oh well. But fun!

My weekend was pretty lazy. I was tired and I mostly rested. I did walk all around on Saturday but I didn't go out in the evening. I took a little run on Sunday but that was my only exercise. Curt came home on Sunday afternoon so I saw him that evening. (A family emergency took him out of town on Tuesday so we hadn't seen each other all week but we talked a few times.)

I like spending a long weekend like that, just taking care of things around the house, doing shopping and playing with toys. A little boyfriend time is nice too, of course.

As to work, well, it's annoying. I'm having a hard time getting back to it but I will, eventually, I'm sure.

Grateful for: my lovely new toy.

Slacker

2009-09-03T16:36:00.001-04:00

It turns out that they want me to do some work around this place, which is very annoying because...I don't wanna. I don't want to dig into this big, complicated statistical analysis and report writing odyssey with no help at all--with only chiding and vague deadlines and, "How long have you had this report? You could have written it by now...you don't need the numbers." Oh, I don't? Well, actually, I do. Because that's how I work. I need to know what I'm writing about before I start writing.

While this report is one of the reasons I felt compelled to come back to my job, over the past several months, I haven't worked on it much at all. I dread it. It's too much, too overwhelming, too complicated, too obscure and too much goddamn pressure on just me.

I try to make little bargains with myself: I'll work on it one hour a day. But would that even be enough? And where to start? The words? The data? It's too much. Even though it's my baby, it's not my area of expertise (only by happenstance), and the stats may be a little over my head. Well, not really, but the replication may be. Or maybe not, but it requires a kind of detailed focus that I'm not good at. Or maybe I am.

Maybe the problem is that I don't like this project very much. It's boring and I don't want to do boring work anymore. I want interesting work.

Sigh.

Grateful for: friends who will listen when I complain.

New York, NY

2009-08-31T17:19:00.001-04:00

I got back from New York and I had a great time. It wasn't perfect but everything went much better than expected.

First, my training. I was worried that the subject was over my head but that turned out not to be the case at all. I learned a lot and enjoyed a little exposure to statistics and computer programming. I don't get to do that kind of work every day but I enjoy it when I do.

Second, my uncle. I stayed with my uncle in Manhattan. I like him (as well as love him) and we had a good time catching up. Not only did he host me with complete graciousness (as always), he was also a kind host to Curt, who joined me on Friday.

Third, my brother. B1 was unexpectedly in town on the weekend but didn't even ask me to come to New Jersey (where he lives). Instead, the whole family (B1, Sister-in-law, two nieces and a nephew) met Curt and me in Manhattan for light museum-ing and an early dinner in Chinatown. Fun.

Fourth, my boyfriend. Curt was not super enthused about this trip but after he said he'd come, he never changed his mind, even though it was rather more meet-my-family time than expected. Part of his hesitation was that, even though he grew up in a major American city, the hustle and bustle of New York is not for him (which is a shame because I LOVE New York, but long ago realized that I don't need to live there). He reassured me that he'd be fine when he arrived and he was. We had a few testy moments, but they passed quickly and we not only had a better time than I anticipated, but good enough that I wouldn't hesitate to travel with him again. He enjoyed meeting my family, though it provoked a little anxiety, and I was very happy that he was more-or-less at ease. I never felt that worry I sometimes do when presenting a boyfriend to friends or family. Curt is a decent guy, but more than that, he is extremely well-behaved in social situations. He is careful not to offend or cross potential lines--he doesn't push. And while he isn't like that when we're alone, thank goodness, I am grateful that it is easy to take him out in public. You can trust him. Me, now, that is a completely different story. (Ok, it's not. I'm the same way with strangers, but with my family, I don't have to watch myself, they are used to me.)

We had such a good time, despite a moment of snappishness from me at the train station, that we ended up spending Sunday night together too. That is a whole lot of togetherness for us.

Last, I did way way more shopping than I'd anticipated. What did I buy? Two new pieces of practical lingerie, a diary/planner for 2010, a Moleskine "city book" for New York (came in very handy--no regrets), two paperbacks, and two skiens of sock yarn. Actually, not too crazy, and some even "necessary." It is just so much easier to find anything in New York since there is so much of everything. Ah, I do love New York.

Grateful for: a good mini-vacation.

Outtie

2009-08-25T16:50:00.001-04:00

I so did not make it to the gym today! Found myself in an endless work cycle of enjoyably challenging programming. It's a shame I'm not a better programmer because I so like the work. I'm pretty sure I'd find it boring if it were all I had to do, though. It was good to be busy all day--I barely had time to get lunch--and I wasn't hungry so all I had was a yogurt and some chips. I'm sort of running on fumes but I had a huge (and lovely) dinner last night so I think I'll survive.

I'm writing this quickly because I have to leave for NY momentarily. I'm running up for a work thing and will combine that with seeing friends and family. I've persuaded Curt to join me for the weekend and we should have a good time (even though he's not so sure--he's not a NY city lover like me).

I am not bringing my computer which probably means no blogging though I should have internet access where I'm staying. Frankly, I don't think I'll have time and I didn't want to deal with the weight and safety issues of carrying my laptop around Manhattan. Maybe next time...

Ah, New York--here I come!

Grateful for: the big city.