Grateful Dating

QED

2010-03-17T18:11:00.002-04:00

Have I been MIA or what?

I made the decision not to play soccer this season and instead I've plunged into dancing again. It's been ages since I went regularly. I'm not sure why I dropped it...but mostly, it exhausted me. The smiling at strangers, the waiting to be asked to dance, the dancing with the bad dancers, the dancing with the lesson-givers, the avoiding the unpleasant guys--it was too much and I couldn't deal.

Something has changed radically for the better, though. I'm dancing more, smiling more and actually making friends. What a surprise!

I am in two beginner classes. One is a refresher (for me) and I am more suited for the next level--but I like to start at the beginning and that is fine. In this class, I've made friends with a couple, and am seen as friendly enough to dance with all of the other beginners who stick around for the social dance that happens after class is over. I talked a lot with two of these guys about how to dance and I gave them helpful advice--all at their request. So, even though they are bad dancers (new dancers usually are), I don't mind dancing with them. They are pleasant and friendly and seem to appreciate what I have to offer. The couple is pretty awesome and the guy rides an old Vespa, which means that we immediately bonded. Excellent.

The other class is a new dance for me. The participants aren't quite as friendly but it's fun to learn something new. I stick around for the dance after that class too and I have finally, kinda sorta, asked one or two guys to dance. This is how I do it. I stand next to the guy at the beginning of a song. I make eye contact. I smile and cock my head towards the dance floor while raising an eyebrow. The guy then takes my hand and we dance. Hey, works for me!

I also realized that I have a little crush on a guy. He is in neither of my classes, but for the last two weeks, has been at both dances. All four times I've seen him, he's asked me to dance twice each evening. The culture at these dances is one dance and move on, unless you're friends or a couple or something. When I caught a glimpse of him last night, my heart did a tiny little flutter. I was pleased indeed when he asked me to dance the first time. I was even more pleased when he asked me the second time. Now, this is lovely and silly because beyond introducing ourselves, all we have ever talked about is dancing. He could be a complete dud. But, he is cute and sweet (and a pretty medium dancer) and I look forward to seeing him again. That seems like plenty for now.

Oh, and the real story of my life is how freaking insanely bad a manager my new boss is. It is practically ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT. However, in the interest of focusing on the positive, I will keep the kvetching offline. In every other respect this is by far the best time I've ever had at my job. All the mundane tasks I used to complain about are actually interesting to me and I'm doing fine, fine work.

One tidbit, though, because you deserve it. The other day, after yet another seriously annoying run-in with the incompetent supervisor, my old boss (the one who hired her and the one who is the best boss I've ever had), stopped by my desk to ask a question. I shared my annoyance with him and he said, "Oh, yeah, it's her. QED." I was speechless for a moment and then answered his question. I have the utmost respect for my old boss, but hiring her was one major league foul up that is completely his mistake. And he says, "QED"? At least he agrees that she is nothing if not annoying. But, QED my ass. Please do something to fix your mistake and restore my faith in you. I'd be ever so grateful.

I then went on to repeat this encounter to at least four different people who said, "QED? What does that mean?" Heh. I told them and, as it turns out, was only 60 percent correct in my definition (I thought: quod erat dictum. It's actually: quod erat demonstrandum). Do you know what it means? Is wikipedia correct? I think it is and my reaction was still completely correct.

As nuts as this current boss situation is, I find it oddly engaging and, but for a few exceptional moments, non-infuriating. I figure either she'll learn to leave me alone or she won't be here forever. Either way, it's going to work out. QED.

Grateful for: something to smile about.

Wow

2010-03-05T17:11:00.001-05:00

I'm reading some grant applications--not for work, but for my professional association. It counts as work in my book. The grants are small--two to three thousand dollars--and have to involve some kind of community activity Basically, academic types work with different kinds of community organizations to accomplish something--the activities proposed are all really different (which makes reading the applications moderately interesting). I just read this sentence:

The concept and products for this outreach study is [sic] innovative and fresh, therefore the imperative for funding this project will be significant and momentous.

What more needs to be said? I should probably just give them the money now.

Grateful for: the opportunity to do service.

Soccer, yes or no?

2010-03-04T18:25:00.001-05:00

Soccer season is fast approaching. The first game is in three weeks.

I'm dreading it. Last season was ok, barely. We hardly ever had a full team. Most games, I played all of both halves and I just didn't have the fitness for it. I was completely exhausted by the end of the game and sometimes limping (silly knee). (I have ramped up my exercise this week, but I still may not be in decent shape for the start of the season.) I have no idea if we'll get a better turnout this season. If I knew we would, I'd be more likely to sign up. But I don't know. We still don't have good leadership and I fear that we will be in the same boat. I don't know why the league didn't assign us more players but whatever went wrong may still be wrong. I feel kind of bad because if I don't play then I'm contributing to the problem. Still, it hasn't been much fun for me. So, I made a list of pros and cons....

Pros	Cons
Likely to go, due to group aspect	Not fun
Social	Feel bad, due to lack of skill
Outdoors	Have other more interesting things to do

I think "not fun" is the deal breaker. Why do anything that is actually negative fun? I never, ever look forward to the games. Sometimes, I enjoy the game. I like saying I play...but so what? My life isn't about impressing people with my athletic prowess (thank goodness!).

I think I know what to do. Maybe play again in the summer/fall season. Take swing dance lessons again--I enjoy that. Make hiking once a week a regular thing. I can get up early for soccer, so I can get up early for hiking. . Now I just need to find hiking companions (I do know about the groups out there) and I'm all set.

Damn. Why do I still feel guilty about quitting soccer? Sigh.

Grateful for: this awesome webpage that helped me create the table.

Garments

2010-03-02T08:30:00.004-05:00

A post about knitting...

Emboldened by my success at knitting a vest for myself (even Carlos (aka Diego) was impressed by my craftwomanship!), I am ready to take on a cardigan. I don't wear many pullover sweaters, but I wear the heck out of cardigans. I am trying to decide which pattern to knit.

First, here's the vest:

It was freezing and windy when we took these pics, but you get the idea.

Now, for the cardigan, this is what I'm considering:

It would be challenging. Very challenging. The criss-cross business is replicated on the back and the cuffs (which you can't see because they're rolled up). Plus, it's reversible. And, what a lot of buttons (good for preventing gapping)! I'm not much of a seamstress, and that's a lot of sewing--though I do know HOW to sew buttons on. I like the color in the pic, but I have two other cardigans in almost the same shade of brown, so I was thinking of trying something else. While I'd love it in black, it isn't the best choice since it's hard to see what you're doing. I'm thinking blue--something in the violet/periwinkle family.

So much to knit, so little time!

Grateful for: garment success.

Cold feet

2010-03-01T08:30:00.000-05:00

I've been working on getting my condo ready to sell. I had the painters in last week and they did an ok job--unfortunately, they got a bit too many paint splatters around for my liking. Luckily, nothing too serious and relatively easy to clean up...but still. I should have cleared things out of their way--and if they weren't planning to do so, they should have TOLD me, and then I would have done it.

But, with all this cleaning, sorting, rearranging...a massive unloading of stuff to Goodwill (that felt so good!)...I'm totally having cold feet. We have this new bar in the neighborhood and it's actually my place. I went there last night with a few friends for a birthday celebration and it was perfect. Both of the owners (who are the only staff so far, except for the cook) came over to say hello and take our orders. While Pele and I were waiting for the rest of the group, they were attentive but were fine when I said I wanted to wait to order. I go in there once or twice a week, have one drink, talk to Dana (the woman who works there) and go on home. A few times, I've struck up conversations with my fellow patrons. Perhaps because the place is so new, people are more friendly. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just me. It's not even a block from my front door...and it feels like home.

Maybe because I'm thinking about leaving, I'm making a bit more effort. Still, moving makes sense. My neighbors are as difficult as ever, though I'm back to ignoring them so I don't feel so crazy. Financially, even if were to sell relatively low, I look to walk away with a pile of cash. Having that money would give me a lot of freedom if I wanted to quit or take another extended leave from work. Or even if I wanted to take a four week vacation, instead of the three I have coming to me. But...but...I'm just not sure that it's a good idea. I am kind of attached to this place. Sigh.

The other night I went out with some friends for a birthday drink. As part of the conversation, C-money said, "Do you think Jamy is different post-France?"

Pele was a bit confused, "Jamy's been back a long time!"

That didn't deter C-money, "I thinks she's more self assured."

Carlos (aka Diego) said, "She's more relaxed."

I said, "You wouldn't have said that if you saw me six months ago!" (I was thinking about all the work craziness that had me pulling my hair out.)

Carlos said, "Well, that was special circumstances."

C-money said, "Also, there's the knitting. You are knitting a lot more now!"

That was funny, since I was intensively into the knitting for almost a year before I went to France. Silly man.

It was great fun to hang out my friends. We don't do it often enough.

Grateful for: silly friends.

Wake up call

2010-02-27T08:40:00.004-05:00

I sleep with my iPhone near my bed and one morning, I shot this video:

Those of you who live with cats will understand.

Some context--my bedroom has "interior" window. They used to be exterior windows that opened onto a porch. The porch was enclosed at some point (long before I moved in) and the windows became interior. I keep my bedroom door closed at night and control cat-access by opening and closing the window. I go to sleep with it open and Tabitha (the cat) will usually enter the room some time in the night, usually before I fall asleep. In the cold weather, she'll get under the covers and sleep by my feet.

Between 4 and 5am (sometimes it's as late as 6am!), Tabitha gets restless and leaves the room. Sometimes, if she's acting crazy, I'll put her out. Then I close the window. Some time later (between 6 and 7am), she'll come to the window and meow. Less and less frequently she'll bang on the window. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I open the window! This is why she only bangs on it a few times a week instead of every single morning.

This is life with a cat.

Grateful for: Tabitha.

Happy Birthday...

2010-02-26T06:00:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to me! That is all.

Grateful for: friends, family, my health, my job, my readers and a very good life overflowing with more comforts than I need.

P.S. Every year, the alumni association at UNC sends me a birthday card and it never fails to crack me up. I thought I'd share this year. Enjoy!

80's Girl

2010-02-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

I snapped this picture today on the metro. The young woman has an '80s style I could barely approach when it actually was the '80s and I was her age.

Please appreciate her in all her glory. The assymetrical pony tail, the ironic huge plastic glasses. The overdyed super bright--and narrow legged--jeans. The TIE. Good gravy--I just noticed that now. I, also, wore a tie in the '80s! The amazing double breasted vest. The approaching Member's Only style (but much cooler) leather jacket. Even her bangles fit right in. And, if I'm not mistaken, she's wearing Doc Martens. Perfection!

Young woman, you are my hero. You have my complete respect.

Grateful for: knowing that everything old is new again.

Really?

2010-02-21T21:52:00.001-05:00

On a whim, I signed up for another online dating site. I doubt I'll end up paying to see and contact my potential matches but I would like to send this note to the site:

"You are straining my credulity of your ability to suggest good matches when one of the first guys you send me is the secretly gay republican I went on a date with one time five years ago. No, it did not work out."

On the other hand, the site did send me a guy who I met in real life and went on a date with. Maybe that's a good sign.

I can't find mention of this guy on the blog, but I do remember that I met him at a Democratic political event I attended with Pele. (Someone famous was there--Bill Clinton perhaps?) She was busy trying to watch the Wake game and this dude, who turned out to write for a politically conservative magazine, was busy picking me up. Oy.

Grateful for: a good laugh.

Ready

2010-02-17T17:08:00.001-05:00

I've had this thought bouncing around in my head for a few days--or maybe even weeks--based on something I read. The question was, "When do you know you're over someone?" The answer was, "When you wouldn't take them back, even if they asked."

Well. That does not bode well for me. By that measure, I am most definitely not over Kent. (I AM over Curt and all but a handful of my exes.) Hmm, that's an interesting thought--how many of my exes would I take back if they were to ask? I have more than one ex, who, under the right circumstances, I would take back. I don't think that's such a bad thing. I think it means that I've dated a few guys--a very few--who I'd be happy to live with for a very long time. Guys who I wouldn't want to change. (Originally, I included on this list a couple of guys who I'd be happy to date again but about whom I had serious reservations. I'm kicking them off. I am keeping Tom, though, because my life is never uncomplicated enough not to include Tom.)

Who are these guys?

Jack, my first serious boyfriend. He is married and lives far away. I sure was crazy in love with him and I thought he was perfect (except for the part where he dumped me). It may seem nuts to put him on the list, but if he were actually like what I thought he was like (a big if and probably NOT true, given that he broke up with me), I would've been happy to marry him when I was 19 and live happily ever after. I would be happy to find out if he's still they guy now that he was back then.

Ed. The best boyfriend ever. I left him in Seattle to go grad school in North Carolina. I broke up with him to date someone. Big mistake. If he'd have me, yes, I'd be delighted to get back together. (It almost happened once but then he decided to cut off all contact with me. Sigh.)

Tom (important grad school boyfriend). I mention him because we still have a friendship (talking once or twice a year and perhaps a drive-by visit when I'm in Seattle). I love talking to him. However, the rest of our relationship was always a volatile mess, so I'd probably give him a pass if he came knocking. But it would be a hard decision.

Kent. Need I say more? I'm still actively pining for this guy. We have a friendship that consists of a rare phone call and monthly emails. SIGH.

I'm sure I'll be more over Kent than I am now, but I don't know that I'd ever turn him away if he were to come calling. I mean, not while I'm single! I'd have to have a new boyfriend (or a husband) in order to turn Kent away. So...I hope that isn't going to make it impossible for me to ever date again! I wasn't really over Kent when I started dating Curt, but still having some feelings for Kent was not the problem with that relationship. Not at all. (Curt did suffer a bit by comparison, but only when the chips were down--the way Curt handled my distress about work pretty much told me all I needed to know about having a future together: we wouldn't.)

When I meet someone I really, really like, I will be happy to be with him and I won't feel bad that he's not someone else. When I choose the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I won't be tempted to leave him for any of the guys above. That I know to be true.

I have learned how to handle my various relationship regrets. Well, the regret about Ed is particularly difficult to shake because I ended that relationship. I had good reasons for the choices I made and I understand them. I just wish I'd had the foresight to make slightly different choices. But, still, my life is hardly ruined because I didn't marry Ed. It's just a different, but still very good, life.

It IS a good life and it's the life I chose. I trust that I will meet someone wonderful. Look, I have been lucky to meet many wonderful guys and have many relationships. Some of those relationships didn't end well, but I've had plenty of good times and I do not regret those dating choices. I am glad about NOT marrying most of the guys I dated--we would've been miserable! Those were good break ups. I have a couple of not so good break ups--but those also show that, yes, I am capable of choosing to be with someone who makes me happy. And, if it didn't work out those times, it will work out one of the times in the future.

Right? Right.

Grateful for: perspective.

Friendship

2010-02-12T16:08:00.001-05:00

I'm back at work today after four days off due to snow. You may have heard about those two little blizzards we had here in DC? WOW. I do hate to shovel, but it was sort of exciting to be part of an historic snow moment. We have now had the snowiest winter season in this area since they started keeping records over 100 years ago.

Over the last few days I...

Took a bunch of snow pictures.

Baked bread: challah (inspired by Barbara!) and then sandwich bread.

Finished knitting a blanket. I knit the blanket to match Tabitha (the cat) and as a bonus, she loves it so much that she's started kneading it, the first time I've seen her do that in years.

Finished knitting a vest (for me!). It fit when I first put it on but then got all stretched out. Not sure how I'll resolve that.

Started knitting a little teddy bear for my youngest nephew. I'm almost done but I need stuffing for it. Where in the world do you find polyester fill inside DC?

Did just enough work to ensure that the project I had sitting in Chicago moved along.

I also stayed in a lot. I had nowhere to go and no one to see. I suppose it was a little lonely but I didn't really feel it. I never really feel lonely but I do get starved for conversation so when I see people, I talk their ears off. No one has complained so far, though. I watched movies while I did my knitting. When I ventured out to the coffee shop, I read. I read before going to bed and I read first thing in the morning. I worked at my computer but I never felt compelled to write, so I didn't.

I also got in touch with Kent. He was on facebook and we had a little chat. I owed him an email and I apologized for not writing. He said, "it's ok, I know you're busy." I said, "not really." He wrote, "oh really?" Yeah, really. Besides having a couple of boring dates, I'm not very busy. I'm not over programed and I certainly had time to respond to an email he sent a month ago. I didn't respond because of all the feelings it stirred up. I thought about writing many times but I couldn't deal with thinking about him so much, so I didn't write. As soon as our chat ended, I wrote him a good long (boring?) email mostly about work because work is what is on my mind these days.

The next day, I got a text message from Kent. Remember, he's still in England. But, whatever, he's texting me. So I text back, and we go back and forth a few times. And then I go about my business and wonder why he didn't just email me. I know it doesn't mean anything, he is my friend and he was being friendly with his international text messages. As far as I know, he has a girlfirend. And even if he doesn't, we don't have a future. So, where does it leave me? It leaves me wishing I were back in college and could worry over this little piece of information for a couple of weeks with Audrey. I wish I could talk it to death and examine it from all angles and consider the most reasonable and outlandish permutations.

That's what I wish because I can't even bear to think about what I really want.

Grateful for: friendship.

Thanks Mom!

2010-02-03T23:45:00.001-05:00

After work today, as I took a walk to the bus stop that's about halfway home, I called my mom. Mostly I just wanted to talk but I also had a question for her. Instead of getting to the question, I talked about work, which is my wont these days. (Ok, not really about the work itself, which is interesting but too particular to explain, but rather about how annoying my boss is. Oh well!)

We had a good conversation probably because I was feeling relaxed and happy. It wasn't until I got home that I broached my question, which was about knitting. It was urgent or anything, but I had the idea she could help.

I started knitting a blanket--a throw, really-- a couple of weeks ago. It's going very quickly and it's very satisfying. I know I've made some mistakes in the pattern but it's all bunched up on a circular needle (it's a circular throw, knit in the round) and it's hard to tell how apparent the mistakes will be once the things is unfurled. It's for me, so the mistakes will just make it special and unique. If I make it again, I'll do better.

I finally got to the bind off round and then I realized that I didn't have enough yarn to finish. The bind off is decorative and takes more than a "regular" round of knitting would. What to do? Ripping back would be possible but problematic. And if I were to rip back to get enough yarn for the bind off, should I go back to where I introduced the mistakes--if I could even figure that out?

So, I told Mom that I didn't have enough yarn for the bind off. Mom said, "That's easy to fix." Really? How? "You just find some other yarn that matches, and use that."

Yes! How simple and perfect and, yet, it did not occur to me. And I've even used that solution before...but for this project, I just couldn't imagine using a different yarn. I have about four boxes with "stash" yarn. Some is slated for specific projects, some is left over from other projects, and some is more speculative (I have enough for two or three pairs of socks, one baby blanket, two or three scarves and some random left over skeins). I found something perfect, which I had for a future baby blanket, but I think even with what I use for the bind off, I'll have plenty left. And, heck, I can always edge that future blanket with some other lovely, contrasting yarn, right?

So, thanks Mom, I knew you could help!

Grateful for: good advice.

First impressions

2010-02-02T12:29:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about my recent bad dates--the quick summary: date one: I was annoying and he was boring; date two: he was annoying and I was boring. I have heard from both dates even though things did not go well.

Date two approached me on facebook (I foolishly became his fb friend) the day after our date. He wanted to know when we were going out again. I should have said "never." Instead I hedged, "I dunno." He wanted to know why. I said he was too big a drinker for me. (I have no interest in calling strangers alcoholic.) He replied that for him, that wasn't much drinking. He wanted more reasons and when I gave them, he ridiculed me, called me boring, said I wasn't fun and then asked when we were going out again. Yeesh. If he asks me again, I know what to say. I think an un-friending is in my future.

Date one sent me email on Monday saying he'd enjoyed meeting me, didn't feel a romantic spark but thought it would be fun to go to the movies. I still haven't written back because I don't know if I want to be friends--but, heck, maybe it's worth a try. One trip to the movies can't hurt.

All this made me think about the kind of impression I make--and how guys impress me. If a fellow likes me, what is he thinking? When I like a guy, what am I thinking?

It crossed my mind to ask Kent what he thought when he first met me. I'm guessing, "Pretty, smart, talks a lot." Hopefully, he also added, "interesting." It's an awful lot of talking to listen to if you don't find me interesting. And what did I think of him? Cute, smart, likes me. (And interesting!) My liking of him was very much part of his liking of me. I noticed him noticing me. But a guy liking me isn't enough--he has to be a guy I find attractive, and not just in looks.

Date two (above) was reasonably attractive but his horrible personality was apparent from the moment I saw him. Date one wasn't very attractive (to me) and maybe that was the problem. I don't know. I think I'll go to the movies with him and find out if he's interesting. I'll ask the questions this time.

Grateful for: potential interest.

Talk, talk

2010-01-29T13:41:00.001-05:00

This week I had two unsuccessful dates. Oddly or interestingly, my behavior was radically different on each date.

Date #1
For some reason, in advance of the date, I called my grad-school ex, Tom. He was happy to hear from me. I think it has been about a year since we last talked. It was a good conversation (as always) and it was actually hard to get off the phone with him. Some highlights from the convo: I said, "You are the best complimenter I know." Tom said, "Thank you! As someone who tries to give good compliments, I am very glad to hear that." Later on, we were talking about how our looks may have changed since we last saw each other--more grey hair and more pounds. Tom says, "I bet you look better. One of the last times I saw you, your face was gaunt. You were too thin." I just...wow. I was in no conceivable reality thin--I'd say I was looking good then and I look good now--I just happen to weigh more now. He IS the master compliment-er.

After my talk with Tom, I had to rush to meet my date. And then, on the date, I couldn't stop talking. The guy would ask me questions and I would just ramble on and on. I'd pause and then he'd ask another question and then I'd talk a bunch more. Unfortunately, calling Tom did not get the talking out of my system. Not at all. I should have asked Date#1 questions, but I didn't. I didn't find him very attractive and that didn't help. I also kinda of loved this--we left the bar and we walked towards the metro. We passed by a movie theater and he said, "I might catch a movie now." I said, "Oh, ok." I told him I was going to wait for the bus, not take the metro and he said, "Ok! Have a good night!" and rushed off the to movies. He knew it was past my bedtime, but I think he should have either invited me or not mentioned the movie thing. Not a huge deal, but it left a sour taste in my mouth. Oh well.

Date #2 was with a fellow I've been having a very entertaining banter with over the course of a week or so. As soon as I saw him, though, I knew it wasn't on. I'm not sure how I knew. He was nice looking, but I just knew. With him, I hardly talked at all. Part of the reason was that as soon as I would start saying something longer than a sentence, he'd cut me off. Some other reasons: he was rude to the waitress; he complained about his mentally ill neighbor, whose lack of home maintenance made it hard to sell his house; and he was obviously an alcoholic. Evidence: Date#2 started drinking before I showed up, had at least two (or three?) more drinks (over about 1.5 hours) and then offered to give me a ride home. I said no, because he'd been drinking, and because I didn't want a ride from him. He assured me it was safe because he woudn't be "pirate driving." I had no idea what that meant. It means: when you have to cover one eye because you're seeing double. He seem astonished that I'd never done it. It was that hard to believe that I've never driven when I was too drunk to see straight?

And, there's more! He also said, "Do you want to have kids?" I said, "Yes." He then pointed out that I'm 40 and time is running out. I pointed out that there is no 40-year-old woman alive who wants to have kids who isn't aware of the problematic timing and why in the world did he think it was appropriate to explain it to me? He said it was a reasonable thing to ask. (I call mansplaining!).

Oh, and he also asked, "Why haven't you been married?" Dude. (I'm sure some blog readers have an opinion on that!) The problem with that question isn't that he was curious, it's that it's impossible to answer. I mean, if I knew the answer, I'd already be married (and possibly divorced) by now. I wasn't interested in have the conversation with him, and I think it's only marginally appropriate for first date, but I'd say the reasons include a focus on my education/career, an unwillingness to settle and poor relationship choices. I'd also say that if you just bothered to LISTEN to your date, you might actually have figured all of that out on your own.

Needless to say, I won't go on a second date with either of these guys. But Date#1 is sure looking good in retrospect!

Grateful for: patience.

Explain yourself

2010-01-28T19:31:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading a fascinating post and thread about "mansplaining" over at Thus Spake Zuska (I also contributed an example). I would like to state: I am a feminist. (I am also a socialist. Those are my main "ists.") If you define feminism with a variant of the word "nazi" or think it means that all men are evil and all women can do no wrong, you don't define it the way I do. After reading Zuska's post and thread, I am really struck by the hectoring tone of several of the comments on the last post--they are reminiscent of "mansplaining". At least one of the negative comments was from a woman (Cyndy: thank you for identifying yourself), but others were from "anonymous". These comments all privileged "Jim's" experience by explaining to me that I needed to be more understanding, that I was actually the crazy one and that he was doing me a big fat favor by even bothering to write to me. Wow.

(That leads me to an actual comments policy: no more anonymous comments. Make up a name, any name. For example, I have a long time commenter: Anon11. If you don't come up with a name, I will reject your comment. You could even come up with a different name every time if you don't want me to know it's you, but it's so much easier to engage if I can tell the "anons" apart. Thank you.)

Maybe we have some new people here, but let me explain something: I write about my personal experiences. A lot of my writing is about dating. Sometimes I parse emails and other virtual exchanges I have on internet dating sites. I also think a lot about gender roles and expectations in dating and in social relations generally--though that thinking is under the surface. I am telling stories about my life and giving you my reactions and sometimes doing a little analysis.

Thus, it's not helpful if you explain to me that I'm thinking about the wrong thing or taking a wrong approach to something. It's my lived experience and it's my blog. I am very interested in other's opinions, but not about what I should or should not THINK. If I ask for your advice, please give it. If I've missed some crucial point, please tell me. But if you really think I'm nuts and undateable (despite all evidence to the contrary), then I don't even know why you're reading, much less telling me how to improve myself.

I also think it's pretty strange to provide a long list of reasons that you don't like cats. Do you really think a cat-owner has no concept of why someone might not like cats? You get to not like cats--for any reason you choose--no need to enumerate them. Dude gets to reject women because they don't like cats. I get to think it's arbitrary to reject someone for a silly reason. Look, I like some people and I dislike others. Just as I like some dogs/cats/birds and dislike others. I don't make sweeping generalizations about all creatures before having any actual experiences with them.

Last, for those of you took the dude's side: why do you think this fellow needed defending? I actually think he made himself very clear. I get where he's coming from. He hates cats. I have a cat. He doesn't want to date me because he's afraid of getting attached to someone who has a cat. Because there is absolutely no chance that he could overcome his hatred of cats, no matter how great the woman is (not me!) and because he assumes that any woman who now has a cat will forever, in perpetuity, have a cat (for reals?). I agree, he was considerate to answer my messages. In my internet dating experience, it's very rare for someone to go to so much trouble to reject me. If the reason were that I was just kind of a loser and he had zero interest, but still wanted be polite, he could have written something like, "Thanks so much for writing, you seem really interesting/smart/sweet. Good luck on here!" Or "Thanks for writing but I don't think we're well suited." He has zero reason to explain about the cats. I mean, why bother?

Perhaps this is what you were really getting at: how presumptuous of me to think that I might be worthy of a date with this guy. How wrong of me to initiate our email exchange! Silly girl, don't you know that you are supposed to wait for the man to come and get you? He'll let you know if you're worthy, if he gets around to it, after he weighs all of his (obviously much better) options. Yeesh.

Grateful for: feminism.

Cat-hater

2010-01-27T15:32:00.002-05:00

A while ago, I started dipping my toe in the online dating waters again. I wasn't very serious about it, but I did have one date last month and another last night. And, actually, another one tonight. Three dates, three guys. The first two, I’ll never see again. As for tonight, who knows?

I don’t write to guys very often (lazy), but yesterday, I saw one who inspired me. We had a lot in common, he was nice looking and it seemed like a no-brainer. I wrote him a quick note and later that same night, I got this response:

Jamy,

Thank you for your message and compliments about my profile; yours is pretty interesting, too.

This probably sounds a little odd, but it's also a lot honest: I strongly dislike cats and don't date women who own cats. I've tried it a few times in the past, and it became an issue sooner or later. I usually avoid even meeting women with cats, because it seems best to avoid getting attached, etc.

You seem nice and sweet, so I didn't want to leave you hanging with no reply.

Good luck to you...

-Jim

I read it quickly and thought he must be allergic to cats. Then I took a second look. I realized why it bothered me: he wasn't allergic, rather, the very presence of a cat was a deal breaker. I found this so odd that I wrote back:

Jim,

Thanks for responding. I have to ask--why is it you dislike cats so intensely? Are you allergic? Did a cat do you wrong? Do you have male friends with cats? Or is it a more fatal woman+cat combo that is the kiss of death?

~jamy

I mentioned this to a friend at work this morning and she was highly amused. She said, “You’re going to hear from him. He has to answer those questions.” I didn’t think I’d hear from him, but sure enough, she was right:

Jamy,

About cats...I've never liked them. I'm not allergic, and I've never had a traumatic incident with them. I grew up in a very pro-dog family, so dogs became 'normal' and 'right' for me. Even now, I find cats to be a little aloof and weird--and not always open to listening if you try to shoo them away, etc.

I think I have 1 or 2 male friends who like/own cats, but most are pet-less.

I love women with dogs, without dogs, and without cats...Just not with cats, because I don't like cats--one of the reasons I have 'Dislikes Cats' under Pets on my profile. In fact, the first two things I check about women on here are their Smoking and Pets "details".

Pets are just one of those things that influence our choices in the dating world, I guess.

Good luck to you...

-Jim

Ok. REALLY? This is what he thinks? That the kinds of pets one has influences your decisions about who to date? I mean, a severe cat allergy and a person committed always to having cats, that’s a problem. Someone with a fear of a dogs because they were attacked as a child probably shouldn’t hook up with a dog breeder. But, c’mon. He didn't care if I liked dogs, if I were a big time cat lover, or if I was always going to have a cat, all of which would seem to mediate the fact that a cat lives with me.

It’s very clear to me that I don’t want to go out with this guy. He is NUTS. We may not know why I’m single, but it’s pretty clear why he is.

(As an aside, Curt (last bf) was moderately allergic to cats, but he liked my cat, never had a problem coming over and never complained—even when I could tell that he was suffering. Shoot, after we broke up he said he missed Tabitha (the cat) before he said he missed me! Anyway.)

I did write to the old cat-hater again, but this time I don’t expect a response. I just couldn’t resist.

Jim--

Ok, I'm sorry to beat this into the ground, but let me tell you about my history with pets. When I was growing up, we always had dogs. The dogs always ended up being mine--I did the walking, playing, etc. I didn't have pets after I moved away from home, for obvious reasons. I didn't get a dog because I'm not home enough and I live in the city, no yard, etc. I have a cat not out of love of cats but because this cat was going to the pound unless someone took her in, so I volunteered. Someday, I'd like to have a dog.

While I don't think I'd get another cat, I do love my cat and of course, she has standing.

~jamy

Thus ends the tale of the man who hates cats enough to use them as a dating screening mechanism.

Grateful for: not being completely insane.

Facebook is funny

2010-01-26T11:16:00.001-05:00

Mostly, I enjoy Facebook (FB), but I also find it puzzling. I wasn't a big fan when it let me know that I'd broken up with Kent. Finding out via FB was possibly the worst way to learn that he had a new girlfriend. But, when used properly, it can be a pretty interesting place.

A few months ago, I was "friended" by a fellow I knew in college. I was so sure I'd never have any contact with this guy again, that I wrote about him on the blog and didn't even bother with a pseudonym. In fact, I didn't think I'd want to be friends with him again--but, it turns out, it's kind of nice to interact with him on FB.

Of all the old junior high and college friends who I now see via FB, his story is the oddest. I'm not exactly sure what he does, but it seems to involve working on a wildlife preserve or zoo. (He is also married with kids, which isn't surprising.) This is a guy who I was sure would go to philosophy grad school and become a professor. Why were we studying for the GRE together (unsuccessfully)? Why was he always expounding philosophy to me? Not because he wanted to go work with animals.

Now, I am very curious as to how his life took this turn, but we haven't actually corresponded since we became FB friends. Still, I can tell that he hasn't changed much because we comment on each other's statuses from time to time. A few times, our commenting has lead to a rather lengthy exchange--and that's how I know he hasn't changed (nor have I). I bet if we were to sit down for coffee tomorrow, we wouldn't spend much time catching up, instead we'd get right back into the lofty exchange of ideas (well, ideas on his side, questions on mine), that we used to engage in. I also get the feeling that he still "likes" me, but I could be wrong. It's a little amusing and a little odd. Our minor interactions stirred up a lot of memories, even though that time is a bit hazy. I can remember sitting and talking with him at the HUB (the student union), I can remember the light coming through the windows and his smile. But I can't actually remember any specific conversation. Yet, when he leaves those comments on FB, it recalls those conversations and that table where he always sat. It does make me want to have a real conversation with him, to find out how he got where he is, but I haven't sent him an email and I don't plan to--for all the reasons that we didn't stay in touch. He betrayed me and I'm afraid I can't forget it and, while he may have changed, I still feel some disappointment in his behavior. If he wrote to me, I'd answer happily, but I see no reason to start the exchange.

But it sure is funny how something like FB can reconnect me to the past in such a visceral way. I do enjoy that.

Grateful for: old friends.

Listing

2010-01-20T17:14:00.000-05:00

Today, I bring you a list:

I missed two out of three social opportunities this weekend.
I was sick. I am still sick.
I now have antibiotics that will hopefully cure me and make it easier to breathe.
I think antibiotics are over-prescribed but I'll take them anyway.
I can only watch about five minutes of Haiti coverage before feeling overwhelmed.
I gave a bunch of money to Haiti relief organizations.
I bought some new clothing that I don't need.
I gave more money for Haiti.
My new boss is really a drag.
But the job is the most interesting it's ever been.
After I finish this current round of projects...which will take up to seven years...I think it will be time for a new job.
Yes, that is an extremely long term plan but it makes sense.
After I do this current round of work, especially if it goes well, I'll be able to write my own ticket.
Then again, I may not make it another year dealing with my new boss.
I'd tell you what she's doing to annoy me but it would sound petty.
But it's so consistent, I have hard time dealing with her at all.
I decided it's time to move. I'm selling the condo. Time for a new DC neighborhood.
Anyone want to buy a condo?

Grateful for: a very comfortable life.

Quick(en) question

2010-01-12T14:44:00.001-05:00

I bought my condo about seven years ago. For the entire time, I've been the treasurer. It's a thankless job for the most part. I've tried to resign, but it's impossible. At this point, I've automated most of the tasks and another condo owner is doing the physical depositing of the checks, so it's fairly easy duty.

Until the beginning of last year, I used the copy of Quicken® that came with my computer to keep track of our accounts and produce the occasional balance sheet (only required when there's been a sale). However, when I got my new computer, it didn't have Quicken® and I couldn't access my old files. I didn't do anything about it. I found some online (inferior) substitute and I occasionally log on to the bank site and it's worked ok. We recently had a unit turn over and I used the online data and an excel spreadsheet to produce a year's worth of cash flow information. Sort of a pain but not terrible. It would have been much easier to do in Quicken.

All of this is to ask, if I were to buy another copy of the program and install it on my computer, would it be fair to charge the condo for it? I would only pay a quarter of the cost since there are only four units in our building. I'd also go ahead and use it for my personal accounts too, though I haven't missed that aspect of it over the last year (I recommend mint.com--its budgeting function is a little buggy, but it's great for the big picture).

I am not very happy with my condo neighbors, which is nothing new. The last indignity was the abrupt cancellation of a meeting that took weeks to plan and was scheduled six weeks in advance. Unit 1 couldn't make it so Unit 3 decided the meeting was canceled. She made that decision unilaterally, while I and the owner of Unit 4 sat and waited for her. She showed up 15 minutes late and seemed surprised that we were waiting for her. She said her daughter was sleeping and that we shouldn't go ahead with the meeting anyway because of the person who couldn't make it. I was not happy. We can meet with 75% of the owners (the bylaws say so!). And if you knew we had this meeting planned for weeks, why did you agree to have it at a time when your kid is sleeping? That's not our fault.

Anyway, I said to her, "Fine, then can you please schedule the next meeting?" I had a tone but I tried to keep it friendly. She said she would but past experience tells me she won't. I am officially resigning from trying to even vaguely make things work. I'll do what I think needs to be done and assume that I don't need to consult with them. I'll inform them. For example, we got some planting done this Fall but didn't finish it. I will do the planting (or hire someone to do it) in the Spring. I won't ask for help or permission, I'll just get it done, as though I owned a single family home.

I'm also not going to provide documentation the next time a unit turns over. When there's a buyer, there's always a form that has to be filled out. I've always filled it out. I'm not filling it out next time. Our titular president or secretary can do that. I'll give them the budget info, which is my responsibility as treasurer, and then I'll be done. I've done this four times and I think that's sufficient.

Oy, didn't mean this to be a condo rant. I used express my condo-frustration a lot more in the old days. Mostly, I'm reconciled to never getting anyone to agree to work together, but I didn't think that trying to have one meeting after the new person moved in was unreasonable. Silly me.

The week of no socilizing is going well! I was actually relieved that I didn't have to decide about knitting tonight or the happy hour on Wednesday. Having already decided is rather relaxing.

Grateful for: a plan.

Social fail

2010-01-11T18:50:00.001-05:00

I had a few plans this weekend that would have involved interacting with other people, but in the end, I bagged all of them. Rather, I contented myself with being around other people. It was the best I could do.

Friday evening, I took myself to the movies, something I haven't done on a weeknight for awhile. The movie was The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. I like visual aspects of Terry Gilliam films and this one was good in that way. I was also curious about the whole Heath Ledger deal and how the other actors would fit in the plot. The first two subs, Johnny Depp and Jude Law, I found oddly difficult to distinguish from Ledger (probably due to lighting, hair and make up). The final version, Colin Farrell, was all too different--but I suppose he was the "true colors" version and in a way, it made sense. Anyway, it was entertaining and I wasn't bored. Not really sure it will stand the test of time, though.

On Saturday, I'd planned to go to another film, Crazy Heart, with a "meetup" group. I've done these film group meetups before, but not for a very long time. I tried to remember why I didn't enjoy it the time I can remember. I believe it was because one of the group members, a nice enough nerdy guy, seemed to take a rather strong interest in me and it made me uncomfortable. And I never went back. Does it sounds vain if I say that more than one meetup group has gone awry for me on this account? Not the blogger meetup or the knitting ones, but some of the others, it just hasn't been pleasant. Of course, part of my motivation to join such groups is to meet people--and if one of these people were a guy and we hit it off, that would be great. Unfortunately, I think I'm more likely to have to fend off guys who like me more than I like them. I think if it were just me liking the guy too much I could deal.

Oh, and before I forget--the resolution about liking my boyfriends as friends was universally (by all three commenters!) misunderstood, which means that I didn't write it up very well. I emphatically DO NOT resolve to be friends with my exes. I mean, if it happens, that's great and I'm not against it, but it's not a goal. What then is the resolution/goal? Perhaps it's a little obscure--but the idea is that in the boyfriend screening process, I should ask myself if this is someone I would want to remain friends with after a breakup. It's a devilishly hard question to answer because if I'm all crushed out on someone, the last thing I care about is "being friends." However, I want to stop and ask myself that question. And if the answer is "no"--that I can't even imagine staying friends with him--then I need to seriously consider getting involved at all. We all know (or "know") that lasting relationships are built on friendship--that after initial passion dies down, some pretty good friendship better be surviving in the embers. In fact, there better be embers that can occasionally be reignited--or what kind of romantic relationship is it?

Anyway, I was determined to have some actual in-person interactions this weekend, so I signed up for the movie meetup and then I didn't go. Oh, I did go to the movies, at the same theater, just not the film the group was scheduled to see. I cannot explain my (in)action. I just couldn't deal. I also remembered that I don't actually enjoy talking about a movie right after seeing it. I need time to digest. But, still, ridiculous! I've signed up for a future date and I'm promising myself not to ditch it again next time. (The movie I saw instead was Broken Embraces. Alomdovar wrote and directed--and he is one of my favorite contemporary filmakers, but this one just didn't "pop." Oh well.)

On Sunday, I signed up for another meetup, this one for museum going. I didn't go. Sigh. I did get a lot of work done around the house. I also walked to a local coffee shop where I read for a while. Not sure ordering my hot chocolate counts as social interaction, but it will have to do.

I did hear from a friend (via text) on Friday who wanted to hang out. But the offer was equivocal, so we didn't end up seeing each other. I am picky and tired of worrying about it.

This week, I've resolved to husband my resources until the weekend. I am staying in until Friday, when the socializing begins. Friday evening, I see Diego. Saturday afternoon, I'm volunteering to help out at a "bike rodeo." Saturday night, I'm going to a party. Sunday, I have book group, but I probably won't go since I haven't been able to get the book. Sunday, later, I have a movie thing I want to go to. I'd probably go on my own, but there is also a meetup associated with it. Maybe this time, I'll actually talk to them.

Monday is a holiday. At work, they're telling us to make it a day of service, but I say, forget that! It will be a day in service to my need to stay home and relax after a frantic weekend of FOUR social activities! At least one of those is a volunteer thing, so I'm covered.

Grateful for: some appealing social opportunities.

Habits

2010-01-07T18:40:00.001-05:00

Around the internet, I've read a bit about how to form a new habit. Such writings go along with articles about why it's impossible to keep New Year's resolutions. I've never made New Year's resolutions but I'm intrigued by the idea of forming new habits. The Zen take on this is that it should be a daily habit because that's how they're formed--by doing them everyday. Something you want to do once a week is harder to reinforce. So, I tried to come up with a few things that I'd like to be daily habits t. I'm also supposed to state them publicly for accountability purposes. Fine! Here is a list:

Exercise
Write
Read fiction
Read nonfiction
Clean the house
Eat breakfast at home

Handily, there are six, which is the recommended number. I'm supposed to take two months for each habit and only do each for 10 minutes a day (perhaps increasing the time as I go along). I haven't seriously thought about doing this yet but I guess I can start whenever. I wonder if I can count today and yesterday under "exercise"? Yesterday, I took an afternoon walk with Nancy and today I walked to the coffee shop that's a little over a mile from home, and caught the metro from there. I say it counts. So, I really have to do some exercise tomorrow too! Y'all can keep me honest. Or something.

Something else came to mind today too, though it's not in the category of a daily habit. It's my boyfriend habit--of not remaining friends with exes. Today, I received an email from Kent. It was a response to a rather sentimental blurb I sent him a couple of weeks ago. I had almost given up on hearing from him and I'd considered writing again to see if he'd even gotten it. But, I quashed that urge and thought, "time to give up." Time to make this relationship a happy memory not an ongoing regret. Even so, I was very pleased to get his email, though it made me a little sad. I'm glad I gave him a chance to respond in his own time--and that I know he didn't need prodding to do so. And that we are, actually, friends. It's over a year since we last saw each other. It's about seven (or eight) months since we broke up and we're still in contact. That's something of a record for me.

I also had a friendly phone conversation over the holidays with Curt, the more recent ex. We'll never get back together--and the jury's still out on whether we'll actually become friends that spend time together "in real life", but it's possible. All the phone conversations we've had since breaking up have been good. It's all the good things about our relationship, minus the angst. So, we have friend potential. I'm not counting on it or pursuing it, but it's interesting that it's there. It's not too surprising since Curt and I were friends (though not close) before we dated. If we'd been really, really mean to each other while we were together, that would make it hard to be friends now--but since I was super nice and I'm also super forgiving, it's still possible.

If I were to make a dating resolution, other than finding someone to make me happy and be an excellent boyfriend, it would be that I like any future boyfriends enough to be friends after we break up. Baby steps!

Grateful for: new habits.

Help?

2010-01-06T12:16:00.001-05:00

Work is getting me down. Objectively, it's going well. I have some major projects lined up that should hold my interest. However, I may have too many projects. One project in particular that I fought really hard to get may be the one that I am compelled to sacrifice. The prospect of the sacrifice got me stuck in a rut last week. I didn't work on the project because I wasn't sure it would stay mine. I didn't work on anything else because I was too focused on that one issue.

Generally, I also have a hard time dividing my attention at work. I can't just work one hour on project one, then an hour on project 2, etc. It tends to be a full day or several days devoted to one thing and then lots of downtime to get me the energy to go back to work--on that same thing. I wish it were easier for me to switch back and forth between things because that might make the work (even) more interesting.

Also, my new boss? Not working out so well. I am starting to find her very presence irksome. I see her and I cringe. I want to hide. This is NOT GOOD. Recently, she requested to meet with me regularly to go over, "...current projects, issues/problems, next steps, upcoming opportunities and anything else you’d like." As an aside, she adds that she'd like to do this with everyone in the division.

For a whole lot of reasons, I don't like the idea of having regular meetings with her. Even if it were a good idea, in general, to have such meetings with one's boss, it's a bad idea with this particular boss for at least two reasons: 1) she always goes overtime--so a half an hour meeting will last at least an hour and probably more like an hour and a half; 2) she doesn't have anything helpful to suggest--so far, I haven't gotten anything useful from meeting with her--so she mostly wastes my time. I know that sounds harsh but it's just true. Either she has a harmless idea that I can follow but that isn't helpful or she has a bad idea and I have to spend a lot of time convincing her that we should do something else. Also, she seems to require multiple explanations before understanding any particular issue. Even then, she doesn't always get it.

The very fact that she wants to have such a meeting with me also feels like an insult. As though I can't be trusted to do my work on my own or tell her what I'm up to. I guess I am less likely to tell her what I'm doing because her feedback won't be helpful and will probably slow me down...and maybe she's noticed that.

I'm still trying to figure out how to respond. My current draft email says that I don't know why she wants to have these meetings with me rather than a regular staff meeting (which we don't currently have scheduled). Also, I try to say that it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me to work independently and that if the issue is my productivity, there are better approaches to ensure it.

Still, this response seems wrong. Perhaps I should just go ahead and schedule the meeting with her and then make sure it never lasts more than half an hour.

Does any one have concrete suggestions on how to do deal with this situation? Until the last couple of years, I had a boss who I never had any issues with--now I've had three in a row who I can barely stand. I appreciate how lucky I was and I am have a hard time adjusting to the new situation. I don't know if this counts as a bright spot, but no one else around here can stand the new boss either. Cold comfort, indeed.

Grateful for: lots of new interesting work.

Baby knitting

2009-12-30T20:06:00.003-05:00

A quick hit since I'm still under the weather. I'm drinking a hot toddy at my mother's recommendation. We just got off the phone and I was coughing like a fiend. Mostly because I'd just finished up a talk with my dad. I think the toddy is helping, though. Heh.

Also, I got my mom a Wii and Wii fit for her birthday. She kept talking about getting one but I knew she'd never do it. So I did it! But the Wii arrived first so she left me a message where she was starting to look for the "fit" component. Whoops. We had a conversation that went something like this.

Me: All I can say is, don't buy a Wii Fit.
Mom: Why not?
Me: Just don't buy one.
Mom: What?
Me: Don't buy a Wii Fit!
Mom: Um, ok.

Yesterday, I knit these baby "slippers" for my newest great-nephew. Pretty cute, huh?

Tabitha isn't so sure they're a good idea.

Grateful for: quick projects.

Anniversary

2009-12-29T17:42:00.000-05:00

Today is the fifth anniversary of this blog. I wanted to make sure to post today since I missed it last year. I was a little busy getting ready to leave France and all.

A disclaimer--I'm a bit under the weather today, so I haven't given this as much thought as I'd hoped...but here goes. While I haven't given the blog as much attention this year as when I first started, it still means a lot to me, particularly as a diary. It has helped me see some of my patterns though not necessarily resolve them. I doubt that I will ever completely resolve the issues that keep me out of a long term relationship, but that doesn't mean I haven't learned anything from the blog. I'm happier than when I started writing it. I also believe in myself more as a writer, though I have unresolved issues in that area too. Ah, issues!

I do love the way the blog helps me look back on my life and remember how I was feeling or what I was doing at a particular time. It really is my journal, though edited for public consumption.

In that spirit, I will share with you two stories from the last two days that I would certainly forget otherwise.

Last night, in the metro, I saw a man--probably late 50's--in one of those little scooter-chairs (not a wheelchair) put himself on the escalator. I knew it was a bad idea and I watched as the escalator moved his scooter to an almost perpendicular angle. Then it fell. I rushed to the escalator and tried to catch him. His things fell all over, including a laptop, and he was tangled up in his chair. A few other people saw what happened and rushed to help the man. The chair started slipping back on me and pushed into my leg. A large man was now at my side, holding the chair. I was scared about what would happen when we got to the top of the escalator. It was one of the short ones that connects the platform to the main station level. Another man appeared behind me, offering to help. I got out of the way as I said, "You look stronger than me."

Just as the chair got to the top of the escalator, it stopped. Apparently someone at the other end had found the station manager and he showed up just in time. The two men behind the chair and at least two more people at the top of the escalator, helped pick the man up and disentangle him from the chair. Another many gathered all of the man's things and put them in his backpack, including the laptop. The man looked to be okay.

The whole thing was terrifying. The man who fell apologized but no one cared. We all knew that what he'd done was dangerous. He may even have been seriously hurt...but all that mattered was that he was in trouble and at least five people dropped everything to help him. I thought, as I walked away, down the stopped escalator, "We all do foolish things, even when we know better." It's nice that people will still help you even when you caused the problem.

Today, another thing happened that was funny and not terrifying at all. I had to get some blood drawn--something I've had done rather more frequently than I'd like in recent days (I'm fine--and luckily, I'm not squeamish). The lab guy greeted me in an unusual way and it took me a second to realize that he'd said, "Greetings!" he then added, "Salutations!" Then, he proceeded to stick me quickly and painlessly. He was faster than any of the other folks who have drawn my blood, which must be why it didn't hurt. I said, "I didn't feel a thing!" He said, "I know," rather quietly, and after a slight pause, added, "thanks." Oh no, quirky lab guy, thank YOU.

And, dear readers, thank you. Thank you for sticking around, keeping me company and being my friends. If you'd like to leave a comment, that would be great. However, if you only want to make one comment a year, hold off until my birthday, which is coming up in a few months. I will probably ask for a comment then as a present. Cheers!

Grateful for: the blog.

Is this a problem?

2009-12-28T16:56:00.001-05:00

I'm of two minds about the dating thing these days. On the one hand, I find it difficult to completely abstain from online dating. I'm worried about becoming a hermit and I don't meet very many eligible types otherwise. On the other hand, I'm not sure being a hermit is such a bad thing. I have a lot of admiration for the "hermits" whose blogs I read. They seem independent and self-assured. I find it difficult to sustain full independence and self-assurance when a boyfriend is hanging around, which is a sad state of affairs indeed.

Not sure where to start with these tales, but why not here: the sad, sad fact is that if I spend too much time thinking about Kent I start to tear up. Yep, the very thought of him makes me weepy. I do my best not to spend too much time dwelling on this obviously idealized relationship. I mean, how ideal can it be when the fellow always had plans to be 100% unavailable for a tremendously long amount of time? It shouldn't detract at all from the reality of the relationship that was, but it's really not helping to keep missing him. (To give myself credit, I'm not actually fantasizing about seeing him. Too overwhelming.)

This somewhat pathetic frame of mind makes dating unattractive. Still, some friends are encouraging me to get out there. I actually have a very mild flirtation/friendship going with a fellow who has a long distance girlfriend. Not healthy at all but since I don't really want a boyfriend, it's fine. I certainly could have upped the intensity but I declined to do so. It may be wrong, but it is a little helpful to the ol' self-assurance to spend time with someone who obviously finds me attractive.

The online dating thing, however, is absurd. Yesterday, I chatted with two guys who wanted to ask me out. One did. The one with whom I have little in common, but who will almost certainly harass me until I finally officially decline to go on the date--or do go on the date and have a terrible time. But he got my number--why? Because he asked. He wasn't terrible, but I can see the writing on the wall.

The second guy was more suitable, we had more in common and a more interesting chat. He's one of those guys who, solely based on my pictures, can't believe that I don't have a million dating options.

Aside: I am well aware that my looks/personality combo isn't to everyone's tastes, nor should it be. However, in the online dating venue, it's not uncommon for random guys to tell me I'm "hot." I don't know what to make of this. The comment often comes from young guys who I will never meet. I suspect it's just a line. I have actually argued about it with some guys. I'll grant that I'm pretty--which is easy enough to judge in a photo--but hot? To me, unless you are posing in your sexy bikini, swim trunks, etc., hot is kind of impossible to tell from a photo. In real life, I can believe it when someone tells me I'm sexy, but isn't that situational? I dunno.

Anyway. I don't have a million dating options. But I don't have one with this guy either. He wrote "i dont suppose i could convince you to go out..." You don't suppose? But--aren't we both on a dating site? Maybe you should try! Eventually, he did try (after I said, "ask me") and it led to a 20 minute date venue negotiation. Tiresome. He didn't bother to ask for my number, offline email or IM address--not to mention my real name! He is one of those in-reality-unavailable internet guys, despite his proclamation of my extreme attractiveness.

Odds are, I won't hear from him again. My current stand is--I am here. You want me, come and get me. I'm not pursuing these guys. If they want me, they can come and get me. That is really all I have energy for right now anyway. It's hard work being a hermit.

Last things--I am getting a cold. I have an invite to a NYE party. I sort of want to go, but I'd have to drive, which seems like a bad idea. I seem to not like my job at the moment (evidence: zero focus), which is a bummer. Knitting continues well. I owe both parents phone calls, but what else is new?

And--tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of this blog! Wow. I am actually going to post tomorrow, so save your congratulations for then.

Grateful for: opportunities.