Grateful Dating

Tired

2012-01-18T17:29:00.001-05:00

How many times have I written a post with that title? More than once, that's for sure. I am beat and I don't know why. I've been sleeping fine, eating well and moderately exercising. Yet I can't seem to catch up. Maybe it's just winter and too many dark hours. I don't know. I got home on Monday from my NY/NJ trip and it was great to be back. So cozy and nice, just me and Tabitha, hunkered down on the couch and later under the down comforter. I slept really well. I'm ok at sleeping in strange places but I had some odd dreams that made the nights not feel so restful.

This time, when visiting my brother, I hoped it wouldn't involve a lot of errands and trips to the grocery store. I thought they'd do that stuff on Saturday and I wasn't arriving until Sunday. Oh how wrong I was--not only did he drag me to the grocery store, but it was preceded by a trip to Home Depot. It was just the two of us and I think he actually wanted the alone time with me, so I didn't complain. Something about that whole time in NJ was exhausting even though I didn't move around much. I arrived, helped my niece bake a cake, went off to Home Depot and Whole Foods with my brother. Came home, unloaded the car, watched football while knitting, ate dinner and played 1/4 a game of Risk (first time, believe it or not). I was totally worn out! Maybe it's all that interacting with other people that did it. My oldest niece still didn't make much of an effort to talk to me and I didn't get an opportunity to engage her either. The second niece was receptive (see cake baking above) and even had me get her started knitting something again. My nephew was on a last-minute overnight trip, and while I missed seeing him, it was a much calmer time without him there.

I am also too tired to read Ulysses. I fear my email reading program is a failed experiment. Oh well.

Grateful for: long weekends.

Failure

2012-01-12T16:30:00.001-05:00

I am totally failing to read Ulysses. Why did I even start this impossible quest? I've skipped two installments. Maybe I can get back on track today. I've been busy, stressed, distracted, and it's hard to make time for a book that's about zero fun to read. It's just my foolish pride that is necessitating this--and maybe it's a good exercise in self-control. Hah.

Speaking of which, I did end up texting NYE boy. I won't go so far as to say that there was a misunderstanding but he was certainly pleased to hear from me. (He said we didn't have plans--true, I'm sure there was a "maybe" in there-- and that I could've called him. Sigh. I am not condoning his behavior, but he was truly surprised that I was miffed. Weirdo!) He wanted to get together but our schedules were incompatible this week. I'm going out of town this weekend and I'll get in touch with him when I get back. If I feel like it.

Sadly, work is still driving me crazy. I'm going to New York this weekend and it will be FUN. I need some fun!

Grateful for: New York

Tired

2012-01-10T10:59:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, we had a half-day retreat for the office. I'll say it wasn't a complete disaster but it wasn't terribly useful either. But, I'd rather not spend my time fussing about work. I will fuss about something else instead...

After work, I went to yoga. I almost canceled but I was determined. I'm trying to get myself more fit. I'm trying to eat well, exercise more, etc. It's not a New Year's thing--as you know I've tried to start this yoga habit for over a month. I'm getting in the groove pretty well, though I'm going to the studio instead of keeping up my home practice. Anyway, on my way home from the metro, I had that empty feeling that I sometimes get when I haven't eaten enough. You really can't eat before yoga, but clearly, I hadn't eaten enough earlier in the day. Then again, I thought maybe I was just feeling tired and I would shake it off in class. After class started, I knew the problem was lack of calories. I managed to make it through the class, but skipped the most challenging variations and spend more time than usual in "child's pose." I ate plenty when I got home but I woke up this morning feeling stiff and a little ill. I really overdid it. Annoying!

You know what else is annoying? The NYE dude. I thought he was gone, that I'd never hear from him again--and that was really working for me. I have some issues. Issues. And one of them manifests itself in the hope that boys I really like disappear before things get complicated. This was happening and I was pleased. He was going to fade slowly into a pleasant memory of a crazy night and I could dispense with the annoying bits.

And then at 10:10pm on Sunday, he sent me a text. The text was a nothing, just "Hey, how was your weekend?" But I was stunned. And angry. The last time we'd talked, the conversation involved making weekend plans. I wanted to make an actual plan. He did not. The upshot was, "we'll do something this weekend, ok?" Ok. I was quite confident that I'd never hear from him again. I'll admit that I held a very faint hope that he would get in touch about the weekend. But when Friday rolled around and he was silent, I let it go. By Sunday, there was nothing to say or even think about. I was right, he was gone, and our chance encounter would become a pleasant memory.

Damn text.

What did I do? First, I texted my friends. They agreed--don't write back. So I didn't. We agreed that if he were to make a second contact, I could respond. He hasn't. And while this hasn't put him right at the front of my mind, it's much closer than I'd like. It's like I had him sitting way, way in the back in last row of the upper balcony. Then he moved down to the first mezzanine. Now he's sitting in the orchestra level, but all the way in the last row. Still much too close for comfort.

I want to text back. The thought of responding is plaguing me. But it's so impossible. I don't want to chide him--why should I be the police here? I don't want to be carefree, because what he didn't isn't cool. Then again, handled differently, it could've been good. Say he'd led with something apologectic--"sorry I didn't get in touch about the weekend. things got crazy. how are you?" That might have merited a response. Or maybe not.

Pele is angry at him, which is touching. She hates that he is trying to keep me on the hook. I hate it too, but I'm also flattered. I'm worth hooking. That isn't the worst thing ever.

Oh--I do have a question for the readers. I'm not saying I will, but if I were to send him a text, what should it say? I would love to hear your suggestions.

Grateful for: bait.

Stretching

2012-01-06T17:42:00.001-05:00

I don't think I overdid it with the yoga yesterday, but I am a tiny bit sore. I'm enforcing a yoga rest day today. I will walk home from work (it's so warm!) and that will help with the soreness and keeping in motion. Tomorrow, I will try for a mid-day hike. I have an errand to run that's taking me near a big park with a trail I've used for biking. Why not use it for hiking? I want to go hiking more, maybe with groups, but I'm not sure I'm up for an 8 mile hike. I know I could do 4-5 miles easy, but beyond that I'd need to test my footwear and clothing. In the Spring, I did this scavenger hunt thing, and while the walking around was tiring, it wasn't impossible. The real problem was that my shoes really hurt my big toes and my pants were chaffy. Before an 8 mile round trip, I'd like to test the gear.

And...I really don't want to read my Ulysses installment today. Let me go do that right now. Ok, done! I did an extra installment, to make up for no reading over the weekend. It's kind of like poetry with the rhythm and flow of the words, but it's nothing at all like the way my thoughts go. I wonder--did Joyce actually think this way? Is it an accurate representation of his own "stream of consciousness"? Geez, that would be very unpleasant!

My weekend is wide open and I'm going to enjoy and relax. I'll do some grocery shopping, take my hike, maybe clean the bathroom. I'll finish up a couple of lingering knitting projects. Maybe I'll see Pele on Sunday. I'll be very happy to be away from the office. It works.

Grateful for: calm.

Intriguing

2012-01-05T14:50:00.001-05:00

A friend told me my recent blog posts were intriguing. I apologize for being elliptical, but I've always drawn a certain line on the blog disclosure and that line stays, given that my anonimity is paper thin. Unfortunately, while I thought I might have a bit of dating or romance or something burgeoning, it turns out I was mistaken. I have no regrets and my anxiety has passed. I think I actually had a sense that, despite the many intense words exchanged between me and mr.-possible-romance, the situation was too impossible to actually result in anything long-lasting--or short-lasting for that matter. I won't lie--I am disapointed. The prospect of having a boyfriend was attractive and I actually like this guy. That seemed good, a possible good start to something. A good omen? Something to worry about other than work? Lots of...exercise? Anyway, it wasn't meant to be and I am much better at accepting that outcome than I used to be--something to be grateful for. I'm also grateful that we didn't drag something out that he had already decided was doomed. Best to leave it at: we had fun, no regrets, and goodbye. (Full disclosure--we didn't actually, formally, say goodbye. Our conversation was something like this:

Boy: Um, I'm more interested in something casual, ok?

Girl: Sure, but, uh, why did you say all that serious stuff?

Boy: Uh, I do that. Sorry.

Girl: Um, ok...

Boy: But we can do something this weekend...

Girl: Okaaay, sounds good, I'm around this weekend.

I fully expect that he won't call/text (I made the first contact and won't be making the second) and that we won't see each other this weekend or ever again.)

So--oh well! On the good news side, I read several installments ahead on Ulysses today. I'm semi-confident that I will read the whole book via email. Bizarre! AT this rate though, it will still take around six months.

Oh, and I'm on a pretty good yoga regime. It's kicking my butt, but I'm starting to crave it. I've been going about every other day, but tonight will make two nights in a row. Hope that's not a mistake. Guess I'll know by tomorrow.

Grateful for: perspective, late though it may be.

Ulysses

2012-01-03T14:54:00.001-05:00

I've tried to read Ulysses (James Joyce version) a couple of times and once seriously. I couldn't get past the first 200 pages, but as an English major, this failure pains me. I want to read this book, unpleasant though it may be. Following up on something my brother told me about, I'm going to try to read it via email. There is a website that will email you a few pages a day. It might work. We'll see.

Reading this book will be my only New Year's resolution. As a rule, I don't make resolutions. I don't really understand them or the arbitrary start of the year nature of them. The only resolution-like thing I do is at Yom Kippur, when I resolve to try and be a better person. Hey, if you don't at first succeed...

I am not writing about the things that are really stressing me out. (Take two guesses, both will be right.) So I will end now and say, I've read the first two installments of Ulysses and I think I can do it.

Grateful for: a project.

About time

2012-01-01T17:33:00.001-05:00

I've been wondering if I'd ever have any dating-related content to share on this blog again. Of course I'd EVER have another date, and even a good date, but when? As it turned out, when was last night.

It used to be that if I'd meet a guy and had a great time with him, it would be straight to the journal the next day. Then it was straight to the blog. I am surprised to find that I've never been so unmotivated to write about having a good first meeting with a guy than I am now.

Setting the scene--all day, I'd wondered if I'd do anything for New Year's Eve. As I written in the past, it's one of my least favorite holidays. I have high expectations that are usually dashed. I've only had a kiss a midnight once and most other times, something went wrong (with a friend, a boy, or my mixed-up emotions). This year, I had no plan, no party and most of my friends were out of town. I didn't make an effort to round up a person to hang with. I thought if I were in the mood, I'd just walk down the street, find a mellow bar scene and be in proximity to people.

Around 11pm, I thought, I'm not falling asleep any time soon, so why not go out? I didn't dress up, just wore my same old pair of black pants, black shirt, a light sweater (not a hand knit one!), a black jacket and a colorful scarf (a hand knit one). I went to the bar with the friendliest bartenders. I stood around, ordered a drink, and talked to no one. And no one talked to me. I didn't feel bad, just a little out of place. It seemed pretty clear that a woman is not supposed to go out to a bar alone on New Year's Eve. Really, no one is supposed to go out alone. I was surrounded by couples and small groups of friends.

After the midnight toast (a free shot of whiskey), I slid up to the bar and started talking with a friendly married couple. They were great and made my night. I had three or four drinks over the couple of hours I was there, and it went right to my head, per usual. I think it was around 2 when I left. Before I got to the corner, a guy and his two friends started talking to me. The first guy complimented my scarf and I said, "I made it." Then he hesistantly confided that I looked like a librarian. I said, "It's the glasses" and "is that good or bad?" The second friend said, "It's good! Librarians are f*ckin' sexy!" The second friend and I hit it off and the four of us stood around talking on the corner for a bit. The NYE party vibe just rolled out of the bars onto the sidewalks and everyone was chatting and greeting each other. Everyone was mildly drunk, friendly and just wanting the party to continue. My party was just getting started.

And...this fellow...the "second friend"...what I can I say. He was so...enthusiastic about me, about everything, it was irresistible (but not absurd). We had a good connection and a silly late night time. I imagine we will see each other again. Actually, I'm sure we will. I may write more when that happens.

Happy New Year everyone! Let's hope it's great one.

Grateful for: chance encounters.

Rife

2011-12-27T18:17:00.001-05:00

I've always really appreciated being Jewish this time of year. (Especially when I see the frenzy so many knitters get themselves into. Wow.) Work is very quiet, which is great, but it's also a lonely time socially since so many people are out of town. Thus, I'm trying to take a lot of yoga and get a drink at a bar a couple of times, mostly for the human contact.

Work let out early on Friday and I caught a movie and ate dinner with a friend. I was supposed to go on a hike on Saturday, which would have been a great day for it, but I couldn't muster the energy. I pulled a "bad friend" move and canceled in the morning. Luckily, my friend was understanding. I swore the next day would be different, and I signed myself up for a 2-hour yoga session, which had a major meditative element involving forgiveness. Work is still pretty much a disaster (great big fight with horrible supervisor on Friday), so that sounded about right. I need to forgive her and, failing that, I need to forgive myself. Both, really. Anyway, this was at the yoga studio about a 2-mile bike ride from my house. the one that's two blocks away was also having a two-hour session, but it involved saying "om" 108 times and I couldn't handle it.

I roused myself on Sunday and made it out to the studio right on time. Not many folks were there--about eight of us. The physical parts were challenging but not impossible. Then we got to the meditative, breathing section. And there was an optional chant. and the word used in that chant wasn't "om" but sounded exactly like the name of the place where I work. Well. No fuckin' way. I almost burst out laughing. But, I stifiled and managed to get through the whole thing, though I just listened and didn't chant. Afterwards, I talked to the instructor and told him about the sound of the word. I talked to another lady who was lingering (the partner of the teacher, I suspect). We talked about where I work and how it's doing good things, despite challenges, politics, etc. Then I said, it was a great place to work in many ways, but that I was having a terrible time there because of my horrible supervisor and I can't figure out how to fix it. I stood to leave and the instructor gave me a hug and said "Merry Christmas!" Yes, I look that sad.

Yesterday, I went for a jog in the morning (more of a lope). Then hung around and did a lot of knitting. I signed up for a yoga class on Monday evening but couldn't deal so I canceled. I fell asleep on the sofa around 5pm for an hour. Then I got up and went to a bar, had a snack, a beer and a free shot of whiskey. I talked a little to the bartender, but that was it. It was all couples, families and pairs of friends. Lordy.

Today, it's back to work and no horrible supervisor to torment me. Tonight it's "restorative" yoga. Tomorrow it's a jog/lope in the morning or at the gym. Thursday it's more yoga. And on and on until I find another job that can take me away from this mess.

Grateful for: understanding strangers.

Dreaming

2011-12-12T11:35:00.001-05:00

Last night, I dreamt that I was standing in line at a film festival with my boyfriend. I had to leave him in the line to hold my place while I left and found our tickets. When I got back to him, we had to balance our making out with standing in line.

I'm pretty sure this dream is directly related to: the cute guy I spent almost an entire party flirting with on Friday and all the tv I watched over the weekend. One show involved people standing in line to buy something and some of them were kissing. The other show was about unrequited and impossible love, but in the end it all worked out.

I guess I'm hoping that will be the story of my life. So far, it's all been unrequited or impossible love. But it's bound to work out eventually, right?

On Friday, I went to two parties, which lead to possibly the most I've drunk in one day in my entire life. Not that I was counting. The first party was for my office and held at TR's house. I worked at home in the morning, baked cookies and walked over to the party. My ex-bf who works in my office was there and I gravitated towards him. I don't know why. He is good looking, sure, but married and not appealing to me. After the first two glasses of wine, I mentioned that my last boyfriend was a Republican and added, "No offense, but I'm a terrible picker." The ex gave a slight start and then laughed heartily and said, "None taken!"

The second party was held by the girlfriend of a fellow in my newer group of friends. Not sure why she invited all of his buddies, but it was a nice gesture. As I mentioned above, I spent most of the night focusing my attention on one boy, who was age-inappropriate--like everyone else there (ok, you tell me--is 14 years younger age-inappropriate? What about 10?). He was one of maybe four single people at the party. Two of those were friends and already deemed out of contention. The other single guy did seem interested in me at one point and I did shine some of my light his way, but I was already deeply committed to my other flirtation. I've always had a one-track flirting mind. (Thinking back, I may have been the only single woman there. Wow.)

Yet, even though we left at the same time, he made no gesture or overture of interest. No vague future plan was mentioned and no numbers or emails were exchanged. When we parted, I thought, "If I were 17, I'd be calling the host and getting his info." Later I realized that I could easily find him on facebook. But I didn't because my friend Nancy counseled me (after tsking me for the age-inappropriateness) to "find someone who wants it so much, he pursues you."

But I wonder about this advice. Why can't I pursue him? I'm not aiming high. I'm just a little lonely. I'd like to make out with someone while standing in line at the film festival of my dreams. Is that too much to ask?

Grateful for: friends who care.

Typical blog content

2011-11-30T10:05:00.001-05:00

Today, at the coffee shop, they put a different diminutive name on my cup than the one I gave. I gave a one-syllable version of my real name; they wrote down a two-syllable version. I imagine it’s because they like me just that much.

Last night, I listened to an interview with Francis Ford Coppola and this quote stuck with me, “If you write every day, you’ll get better at it.” Does blog writing count? I feel sure I should be writing fiction, but where do I find the time? It’s all I can do to be consistent with my yoga practice. Maybe writing comes next?

Speaking of yoga, I have done my home practice for 11 days in a row. I’m actually on day 17 of a 28-day plan (skipped a bunch of days early on and didn't have the heart to reset the clock--forgive me yoga gods). I can feel the difference-- even 20 minutes a day pays off. I’ve now started walking the slightly more than a mile to my favorite coffee shop in the morning. It feels good and is better exercise than biking such a short distance. Now that it’s getting dark so early, I’m off biking home, so this first thing in the morning walk is a nice addition to my routine—the bonus is that great cup of coffee. The walk, yoga, plus a little gym and I’m really picking up my game.

Another thing I’ve been doing is wearing all my knits. I won’t say winter is my new favorite time of year, but it has to get pretty cold before I can wear a sweater. I have knit myself three warm cardigans and I can’t pull them out until the temps drop to around 40. Much colder than that and I’m not sure if I can wear them at all because they’re semi-bulky (the nature of hand knits) and may not fit under my coat—but we’ll see. I also have two vests, two short sleeve cardis and one long sleeve, light-weight cardigan that may all see some use this winter.

Today is pretty typical in terms of hand-knit-wear: cardigan, scarf, fingerless mitts and socks. The question: is it too much?

A knitting blogger who I really enjoy and who is a talented designer (I even bought one of her books), writes that one shouldn’t wear more than one hand knit item at a time. Is she right? She lives in LA and is rather fashion concious, so maybe that accounts for her opinion. I've tried to be less judgemental about what people wear because it's so arbitrary. Who decides what constitutes "flattering" or "frumpy" or "ill-fitting"? While I find it fun to judge others' clothing, it's fundamentally unkind and I'm trying to curb my tendency to engage in that kind of commentary. (Though, apparently, it's still ok to judge myself. Of course! Oh, and judge others for judging. Whoops.) Then again, all my knitting is about designing clothing that fits me (and others) properly. So...is more than one hand knit item overkill? Is it ok if they coordinate but aren't too matchy? Are her rules just as arbitrary as any others? (Well, yes, of course). This particular blogger also had a post adamantly against shawl pins recently. I just bought a shawl pin and I'm using it to keep my brand new hand knit cardigan closed. I've only gotten compliments on it. So, maybe we just have to agree to disagree! (No offense intended towards the blogger in question, but it's hard when someone you enjoy reading so much is indirectly critisizing you--it makes me wonder mostly.)

Anyway, I've managed to post again. Thank you, Francis Ford Coppola.

Grateful for: things to ponder.

Knitting and Marx

2011-11-28T14:37:00.001-05:00

While I apparently don't blog regularly anymore, I still read blogs every day. I will note that the personal blogs I read have slowed to a trickle and most of my reading is out of my "knitting" and "sociology" folders. In the latter, I group all the political, feminist and otherwise "sociological" blogs. One of the political/feminist blogs recently had a post that, in part, criticized knitting and claimed that no one wants knitted gifts and that sewing is more useful and practical skill. This claim raised my ire, but I read through the comments and saw that many had written just what I wanted to say. I didn't leave a comment.

My response to the author would have been: knitting is practical because after the apocalypse, people will still want to wear socks, sweaters, hats and gloves, and sewing is a poor way of producing those items. If machine knitting no longer existed or weren't widely accessible, we'd go back to hand knitting socks, which was the way most poeple got them pre-1900 or so. That while many hobby knitters don't knit fast enough to produce socks at volume, we would get faster if it were our only job and that the younger generation would need to learn how to knit and we would teach them. Last, only annoying people give gifts that they know people won't like--it's hardly confined to knitters. I never give a hand knitted gift unless it's small (thus low cost) or if expressly requested/ negotiated in advance with the recipient. I'm not taking the long amount of time to knit something nice if there's no chance the person will like it. They're not obligated to like it, but there should be a chance.

One of the interesting comments on the post was that knitting wasn't production in the Marxist sense because it didn't yield a necessary commodity. A response to that was that Marxist definitions left out craft areas that were traditionally feminine. And that knitting has value as artistic expression. The Marxist commentor stated that we didn't understand what "production" meant and we couldn't just re-define it to include our hobby.

This got me thinking along a few different lines. First, I have read some Marx, but not the big stuff (Das Kapital) where all this business is fleshed out. I can see it both ways--there is definitely a product when you knit, which is part of why it's an enjoyable pastime. Them again, similar products can be purchased, usually for much less than the cost of the time+materials needed to produce a hand knit item. However, sometimes you cannot purchase the item in the correct size/style/material to suit your individual need/desire. Just like hand sewing clothing (which, btw, usually involves a machine!), hand knitting clothing can be practical, especially for those who are fast knitters and good a finding cheap, high-quality materials. Even slow knitters can produce practical, attractive items that cannot be found for sale in the regular commercial market. However, it's very small scale production and we are still enslaving ourselves to an essentially meaningless activity when we could be uniting the workers of the world or Occupying something.

All that said, I think knitting is my current creative outlet. Thus, it doesn't matter if it's productive or a distraction. I must needs distract myself with something. For a long time, it was this blog. I also play silly co-rec sports to provide myself with a social outlet. That's not very Marxist either. (I'm not really a Marxist, but I am anti-capitalist). I have a small creative streak and it needs to get out somehow. I don't know why sewing doesn't appeal to me--maybe I'm not skilled enough? Maybe it's too relentlessly practical? Maybe it's not creative enough? (I doubt it's the last one--you have an equal number of choices to make--pattern, materials, modifications for sizing and style--that are similar to knitting and where the creativity sneaks in). For whatever reason, knitting is my main hobby now, not blogging.

Knitting is portable and you need only a few things to get going with it. You don't need a computer, only light, and if you keep it simple, you can carry the pattern in your head (or make it up as you go). Sure, it's smart to take notes and record the details of your work. It's fun to keep a photographic record and create a project page on "ravelry" to see how much work you actually put into your hobby. But it can be very low key too. It's not that interesting to write about, except for other knitters, since it carries its own specialized language. I still can't see becoming a "knit-blogger" because, well, I'd still rather be knitting (or reading someone else's knit blog) than writing about it. Or starting a new blog about it...that's probably the solution but the two blog thing is cumbersome and doesn't really work for me.

Anyway, I still do have a blog and it seemed like a good place to write all this down. Way more interesting than the guy I never had a date with who nevertheless thought it was a good idea to send me a multi-part text harangue when I didn't return one of his phone calls. Sigh.

Grateful for: a "productive" hobby.

Mellow

2011-11-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went to yoga. I went last weekend and managed to practice once at home during the week. The class this weekend was great and what I needed--a beginner level. I need to stick there for a while--so it's the entry level classes and home practice for now.

I just found out that Spesh (good friend who lives in Israel) is coming to visit next week, which means I have to get the house in order. For some reason this means sorting all my yarn and clothing, even though what I should be doing is cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the house. I will have time enough for all that. Today has been about laundry and knitting (what a surprise!). I finished my sweater and the hat for my nephew. I also managed to acquire more yarn...all but one skein of which has a project already attached. I think it's ok to have more yarn than I can knit if I know what I have planned for it. But it would be good to stop buying yarn for now. At this moment, I can easily store it all but I will soon run out of space. I wonder what I will start next.... The socks for my nephew? The hat for Pele's baby? A scarf for work friend Nancy (can't--still in the design phase)? My black sweater? The infinity scarf I just got the yarn for?

Work is hard but I'm dealing with it. It's the work itself that's difficult. The supervisor situation is in a holding pattern and I'm surviving it. It's not making me miserable because I won't let it. Sure, sometimes I get frustrated, but I'm keeping my distance from those feelings at least for now.

Grateful for: options.

Iceland

2011-11-01T16:49:00.001-04:00

Should I go to Iceland for Thanksgiving? As usual, I'm a few weeks out with no plans. The weekend prior, I have a family event in NJ so I will have had some family time around that. I guess I could go see my mother, but I always think a three/four day trip to Seattle isn't time well spent. So...why then would I think a trip to Iceland would be time well spent? I don't know, but I keep getting these travel alerts about low prices on package deals to Iceland, a place that, it turns out, is a kind of knitting heaven. Everyone wears wonderful sweaters with interesting colorwork, often in black and white, made from the wool of the local sheep. They sell big bags of it in the grocery stores. I love the Norwegian sweaters, though I couldn't imagine making one (too complicated), but the Icelandic sweaters are similar, many patterns are simpler and I could totally imagine knitting one. Does it seem silly to go on a trip motivated by yarn? I don't know--I've made a "yarn tour" an element on many other-purpose trips and it certainly increased my enjoyment. I used most of the yarn I bought in London about a year ago. I made a sweater from yarn I bought in New York about a year ago...I use the yarn I buy on trips and it gives me great pleasure. I think I'd enjoy Iceland even if it were yarn free--the wool is just a bonus. Speaking of yarn and etc., I have been on a finishing tear, mostly because I want to start several new projects. Wanna see some pics? Good, here you go...

Don't look now KJ, but these are your new socks! (I even brought them to work today for mailing purposes...maybe tomorrow.)

More socks (for my sister-in-law):

A vest for a stuffed bear:

I finished this vest (for my mom) a while ago:

And this isn't a great picture, but a lacy scarf (for me):

One progress shot of some socks (for me):

These are taking forever because it's tiny yarn on tiny needles and some other project keeps bumping them off the list, but they will be wonderful when I finish.

Oh, and here is a sweater in progress (for me):

The sweater now has collar, button bands (no button holes, it wants snaps), and one and 1/4 sleeves. I ran out of yarn while making the second sleeve--but extra yarn is in the mail, so this sweater will be completed within days of its arrival. Then I have the challenge of finding a ribbon to sew into the bands and adding the snaps (which I already have). I give it a month or so to completion. Not in time for Iceland. Heh.

Lots of other stuff going on, sort of. But let's not get into that now. Another post, another time.

Grateful for: my hobby.

Home again

2011-10-13T15:06:00.001-04:00

I am back from my trip to Paris and laid low by a chest cold. Oy! On Saturday I could feel it coming on. On Sunday I was ok. Monday, I was done. I thought I would be ok by Tuesday, but not at all. I just keep getting worse! It feels like I have the dread atypical pneumonia again. And I haven't even called my mother, who is officially angry at me. Don't ask how I know, it's too ugly to write about.

On the other hand, my dad, whose regular call I missed due to France, just kept calling. When we finally talked on Tuesday night, he told me I had to stay home (I sound terrible) and was delighted that I'd taken a last minute holiday to Paris for myself.

The trip went well. It was short but enough time...though I could have lived with getting into my hotel room earlier. I arrived around 8am and they told me to come back at noon. I went out for a French breakfast (croissant, bread, oj and coffee). I took a bus to a park I'd always meant to visit and somehow managed to stay awake. I had more coffee, soda, a sandwich and I survived.

I also had a good time with my friend, a lovely expensive lunch, a field trip to Reims and a tiny bit of clothing shopping and buying.

On the plane trip home, I sat next to a fellow knitter--fantastic. We chatted a bit and got along well, though it weirded me out to see that her meal consisted of a head of lettuce. Yes, she had a head of lettuce in a plastic bag and broke off leaves and ate them, along with bits and pieces of the meal that was served.

I have always been a fan of airplane food (I know), but now that it's so rare I enjoy it even more. When I take an international flight and I have the chance for free wine and a decent meal, I enjoy.

Anyway, it's good to be home, though not leaving the house for several days isn't what I had in mind.

Grateful for: easy international travel.

I like to ride my bike

2011-09-29T18:58:00.000-04:00

Recently, I bought a new bicycle.

If you know me, that I chose a bike with an upright seating position and a chain guard should come as no surprise. It should also come as no surprise that I immediately began modifying it. Let me count the bike-related purchases and mods:

Swapped pedals & saddle from old bike.
New light weight wool hoodie.
New rear lights (old one broke). I got two, just in case.
Front basket.
Kit to attach water bottle holder, since frame has no braze-ons (wtf?).
Reflective tape to brighten up black frame.
Additional spoke reflectors.
Park 4/5/6 mm Allen Y wrench (nothing quick release on this bike--I have allen keys in these sizes but this tool is super handy and was only $9).
New seat post with more setback. It didn't fit so I'll have to return it. Sad face.
Very heavy double kickstand. It's kind of awsome, though, since now the bike doesn't fall over and it doubles as a simple work stand.
Front wheel stabilizer--keeps the front wheel from flopping. Not strictly necessary now that I have the heaviest kickstand in the world attached. Will be handy if I remove the kickstand. Still cool.
Double saddlebags--to replace my favorite Dutch ones, which don't fit on the rack of the new bike. It was either get a new rack or get these saddlebags that are the same style but slightly smaller. They haven't arrived yet so I don't know if they'll work.
Special double bungee cord.

I scoured the internet world for these things and bought from several different retailers, including amazon (2 & 3). Where else did I shop?

Bikesomewhere.com (4 & 5)
Rivendell Bicycle Works (6, 7, 8)
Velo Orange (9, 10, 11) (Handily located in Annapolis, MD, meaning very short shipping times for me)
Public Bikes (12, 13)

I am now an expert on ever so slightly off-beat bicycle retailers. Also, this isn't an advertisement.

Last, guess where I'm heading tomorrow afternoon for five full days? Paris! I doubt I'll post while there, but you never know. Also, I'm bringing as little as possible. Did you know it's supposed to be 80 and sunny for most of the time I'm there? I'm feeling lucky. (What would be extra nice is if I didn't suspect my mom had hurt feelings about my going on this trip. Mom, I know we discussed taking another trip to Paris sometime. We still can. This was an impulsive, last minute decision. I needed a non-family, truly relaxing thing to do and going to one of my favorite places, on my own, fit the bill. It's not personal. REALLY.)

Really last, I turned in another job application today. That's three out in the world and one or two to go. Also, my horrible supervisor has left me alone for the last few weeks and been really helpful when we have interacted. I think she must know about my pending transfer. Whatever works!

Grateful for: a real vacation.

The number keys

2011-09-22T11:38:00.001-04:00

My father insisted that I learn how to touch type (I'm doing it now!) and I even took a typing class one summer. It is a good skill to have though I still think his insistence on it was misplaced. He tells a great story about how he got a job as a clerk because he was the only one typing who wasn't looking at his hands, even though he wasn't the fastest typist. What's left out of this story is that my dad's handwriting was so terrible in high school that his teachers made him take a typing class. Even then, I think the feminization of clerical work was well underway. And the clerk's job? It was in the Army! My dad never actually worked a clerical job in civilian life. So, I remember once telling him that if I were a really good typist it would set me up for jobs being... a really good typist, and that wasn't what I had in mind. Who knew we'd live in a world where everyone does their own typing?

One of my first summer jobs was in my mom's office. I didn't have much to do but one task was typing labels. I spent a lot of years doing menial clerical work (no fast food jobs for me) and a big part of that was typing labels, often address labels. And, while I did know how to touch type (more or less), I never mastered the number keys. Talk about tedious-- and I had to look at the keys all time.

I was thinking of this while I am engaged in a tedious clerical task of my own making at work that involves using the "-" key and the "ctrl" key--two keys I have never mastered. No wonder this is taking so long...

Grateful for: learing to touch type.

Beneficent

2011-09-15T17:01:00.001-04:00

The other day I was walking down the hall at work and I saw my ex-bf, the one who now works on the same floor as me. He's the one who recently told me that he was glad we could be friends now and wished we'd never dated (meant in the nicest possible way of course!). Anyway, I saw him and I felt kindly towards him--like, "Oh, there's old Joe, how nice to see him." But I just said "Hi Joe" (not his real name) and kept on walking. I think I felt good because I told him to leave me alone, to stop asking me to coffee and that what he'd said was unkind and unnecessary and made me feel bad. He did leave me alone after that and it means that all subsequent interactions are on my terms. I remember this feeling with my important grad-school bf, the one time I showed up in NY at his student office and took him completely by surprise. He hustled me out of there but fast! I still loved the feeling I got from making the call about whether or not to see him completely on my own, not consulting him or asking his permission or giving him a chance to blow me off. I need to being in charge of that interaction and it's been easier making plans with him since then. Heck, at this point, I probably could be friends with the ex down the hall--but it would be far too much trouble.

Work is crazy busy right now. I may also soon get a solution to the bad supervisor problem. Can you believe it? I asked to keep my same work portfolio but transfer to a different division. It looks like this may happen. The potential new supervisor bought me lunch the other day and basically interviewed me about what I like and dislike in a supervisor. No pressure! I'm cautiously optimistic. Then again, I have three more jobs that I intend to apply to--so I'm keeping all my options open.

I said to a friend recently, "You can't sacrifice your personal happiness for work." Then I heard myself. Of course you CAN do that but it's a terrible thing--and it's what I've been doing. No more. I am still plotting my exit strategy, potential new supervisor notwithstanding.

In more work nonsense, I was supposed to go to a conference for work next week--in Seattle!--to talk about a study I'm managing. Or so I thought. It turned out that I was put on a panel covering a highly political issue. I am a civil servant, not a politician, and it could potentially hurt us (me, my study, my organization) if I made a mistep. So, I was told to decline the invite and cancel the trip. I sent an email apologizing to the person who invited me to the meeting and then I canceled the trip. Now it turns out the person who invited me was blindsided by other folks in her organizaiton and she had no idea they were sticking me on this panel. She wants to move me to another session where I can simply present information and answer questions about the study I'm managing. I like her. Maybe I jumped the gun on canceling my plane ticket! Sigh. Sometimes it feels like I can't win. UPDATE: No, still not going. The lady who invited me is really nice and really clueless. She didn't realize that it was putting me in the middle of a hornet's next. Ah well.

Grateful for: lots to do and think about.

What's going on?

2011-09-10T14:00:00.002-04:00

I can’t write. Things are happening, not just boring work things. The blog was created when I was bored at work and a bit at loose ends. Many things have changed. I’m not bored at work. My work is challenging and interesting, but I’m seriously pursuing alternate employment for the first time ever. I still want to write and I’m at loose ends about that. I could try and make the blog the “write a certain amount every day” place—and start working on a story or a novel or SOMETHING. But, I have to admit, I hate blogs like that. I don’t want to read your half-formed fiction and tell you how great it is. I could start a new blog and use it for fiction. Or…I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the way I am—always a little bit at loose ends. Always a bit lazy about some things while quite driven in other respects. Able to sit and watch movies and knit for an almost infinite amount of time, but not able to decide what to do with my life, while that life just goes on and on.

Let me tell you about my bad date the other night. I know, I’ve spoiled the surprise. Sorry.

This was an internet guy. We flirted a bit online, with some short vaguely suggestive emails. He seemed good looking in his pictures but they only showed his face so I half wondered if there were any surprises lurking (as it turned out, none were—at least about his physique). He’d made a point to tell me how attractive he thought I was. I was pleased to hear it and yet…I don’t know, it’s not really enough. I’d say finding me attractive is a necessary but not sufficient condition for getting together. I’m trying to figure this out because I am more open to non-boyfriend-potential situations than ever, yet, I find that I still have to like the guy. Even if I’m not going to spend a ton of time with you, if that time is going to be “intimate” I need to like you. I need to trust you. Otherwise, as much as I’m feeling lonely and unloved, it’s not worth the trouble. I have friends, the cat, the knitting, books to reads, video to watch—I am shockingly content on my own. I know I’ve become a bit complacent about all this. It’s not that I don’t have desires and would really like to have a man in my life—I still have crushes and longings. I even occasionally notice an admirer, I’m just not willing to make a huge effort when I could be doing something else that I enjoy more than sitting at bar trying to make eye contact with someone. Sigh.

Anyway. The dude. We met outside the metro on a very wet day. When he approached, my gaydar started pinging like crazy. I asked Diego about that and he said that sometimes when something is odd it can trigger the gaydar. Regardless, the dude was all over me. He put his face right close to mine. At the bar, I sat and he stood and he pressed himself into me, rubbed his hand down my arm, all the way to my ass. When the hand made contact with my rear I picked up his and moved it away from my body and said, “You have to stop doing that.” He stopped.

He wasn’t a great conversationalist and had a tendency to critique what I said. When I ordered my beer he expressed disappointment. Later, I told him part (only part!) of a long sad story. I remarked that it wasn’t a fun situation, but at least I got a funny story out of it. He said, “the story wasn’t that funny.” He said several semi-sexist things—just brushing up to that line. He kept very close and it was clear he was interested. I wasn’t interested. The thought crossed my mind that needing to find people attractive makes dating a real challenge.

I’m just going to go right out there and say when a creepy guy tells you you’re attractive, it doesn’t feel flattering at all. It’s like getting praise from my most disliked supervisor. I don’t respect her so her praise is meaningless. Same with this dude—I didn’t care for him at all, thus hearing that he found me sexy didn’t mean anything to me. Also, I’ll say that my intelligence and my basic attractiveness are just plain facts. I am smart. I am pretty. Now, not everyone will find me quite their cup of tea, looks-wise, but I am pretty sure that I’m objectively good looking. It’s just the luck of the draw—like being smart. I can’t’ help that I’m smart—but I can build on it. I guess I could have built on my looks too, but I’ve never tried (much). I haven’t tried to stay slim-ish (I was never skinny and now I’m definitely NOT SKINNY). I have never worn make up regularly. I don’t dye my hair. I don’t wear heels. I don’t wear “sexy” clothing. I do brush my hair, wash my face put on sunscreen and moisturizer. I bite my nails, but I keep them filed and smooth. I wear flattering clothing that fits properly. I like to look good and attractive. But I’m not going to work at—it’s not my style. Undeniably, though, I benefit from having a pretty face and a good complexion. It means people are nicer to me, that men flirt with me, and etc.

So, some random creepy guy’s opinion of my body isn’t really needed to make me feel ok about myself. Some random guy who I found attractive and who I got along with—I’d like to hear from HIM that he finds me attractive. That is someone whose opinion I would value slightly more.

Damn. Ramble much? Anyway. The beer drinking portion of the evening ended and he walked me to the bus stop. We stood and talked while I waited for the bus. He stood very close to me and told me he really liked me. But he could tell I wasn’t interested. Funny how that works! I kept backing off and he kept moving towards me. I couldn’t escape him! I said, “you’re invading my personal space.” He seemed taken aback—shocked, really. He tried to deny that he was standing too close to me. He said, “wow, that’s…that really says a lot about you.” He said, “That’s too bad, that you’re like this, because I really like you.” I pointed out that I’m the way I am, so he probably didn’t really like me. I think he got that, but was still regretful. He also said, “you’re really perfect for DC—so guarded and distant.” That had me agog. I said, “If you think that, you don’t know me at all.”

Then the bus came and I ran away. A few minutes later, he texted me, “[Jamy], you crushed me! O well, such is life.” I said I was sorry, it wasn’t my intention. He texted again, “I was very attracted to you. :(”

Jesus. When I will stop letting creepiness get in the way of my potential sex life? I think we all know the answer to that!

Last, I found it astonishing that in practically the same day I was accused of being temperamental in the extreme (to the point that bosses feared me and that it was questionable if I could ever be happy with any boss) and then later on told I was distant and guarded and perfect for DC. How can both descriptions be of the same person? I guess that is the wonder and mystery of me.

Grateful for: the good stories.

Earthquake

2011-08-24T18:32:00.001-04:00

You may have heard about this little event that occurred all along the Eastern seaboard in the US. An earthquake. Who woulda thunk it?

I was sitting at my desk, staring at the computer, starting to write an email and contemplating the first draft of a response to a letter. I felt the building shake. I thought, "what the hell is that?" I thought it was our roof collapsing, since it's being repaired. Then the building shook again and I thought that either we were under attack or that it was an earthquake. The latter seemed MUCH LESS LIKELY. I stood up from my desk and I looked around at our crappy "systems furniture" and thought that hiding under one of the desks might be just as dangerous as standing in teh middle of the sea of cubes. After I stood up, I faced a co-worker, who was looking at me with an equally puzzled expression. We both heard one of the managers around here walk down the hallway almost-but-not-quite-shouting, "Get Out. Get Out. Get Out." I gave my co-worker a little push towards the door and started to follow him--but I nipped back to my desk to grab my bag. We joined our entire building in a trek down the stairs and across the street.

Once outside, I looked up to the roof of the building, expecting to see smoke or dust or something to indicate a roof collapse or perhaps a bombing. Instead, I saw a clear, almost pristine sky. In the next few moments, one of my co-workers reported, via his twitter feed, that it had been a 5.8 earthquake originating in Mineral, VA.

We all stood around the building, sharing news as we heard it. About an hour later, we got the word that we could go home. Those who had left necessary possessions (such as keys) inside, would be allowed to go back in, retrieve them, and then leave again. I was very glad I went back for my bag, even though, at the time, I knew it might be a stupid move.

I was getting my own twitter news by then that the metro was slowed to a crawl. I might have taken the bus but I could see they were packed too. Instead, I walked home, and met a couple of friends (Jeff and Lucy) at a bar by Union Station. We were not alone.

Two other notable things happened yesterday, some what related to dating. First, on the walk from my office to the bar, a man tagged along beside me, slowly riding his bicycle, for almost a mile. He told me my smile was great, my teeth were amazingly white (did I do anything special to make them so white?), my hair looked better down, he believed in God, God was Jewish, he was a lawyer (seemed unlikely), I should ride my bike more and he wanted to be my friend. All of this, naturally, culminated in a request for my phone number. I was preparing a response long before he asked. I thought about saying I had a boyfriend. I thought about presenting my friend Jeff, who I was on my way to meet, as my boyfriend. Then I thought, no, I was not going to do that. When he finally asked for my number, I said, "I don't think so." He said, "Why not? What's your reason?" I said, "You are a complete stranger and I've said 'no thank you.' I don't have to give you a reason. You need to respect my decision."

After that, he looked a bit deflated, but he didn't ask me again. He rode slowly and silently next to me for another few moments, then wished me well and rode off. Whew.

Later, when I got to the bar, my friends seemed astonished at the story. I told Jeff, "this is what happens to women!" I then proceeded to flirt shamelessly with a British guy who stumbled into our conversational group a few minutes later. Of course, it's completely different, but an interesting juxtaposition. In one case, the interaction was imposed on me. In the other, I was a full participant. In one case, I had no way to politely exit, in the other, I had my friends to back me up. At any rate, I had a such a long talk with this guy that my friends left us alone while they took a table and ordered a plate of wings. Eventually, my flirting partner left, but not before giving me his copy of "The Guardian" (to read one of the articles, of course!). When I sat with my friends, they asked if I'd gotten the Brit's number or given him mine, I said no. I then noticed that since he subscribes to The Guardian, his name and (work) address were actually on the paper. Lucy said, "Do you have a card? You should give him your card. I'll give him your card." At that moment, the Brit walked by on his way to Union Station. Lucy took my card and ran after him. Now that's a good friend! I doubt anything will come of it, since the Brit lives in New York and probably already has a girlfiend, but it was fun nevertheless.

Maybe the earthquake was a good omen after all.

Grateful for: shaking things up.

Tick-tock

2011-08-22T23:39:00.000-04:00

In Las Vegas, I bought a watch. When it’s near my ear, I can hear it ticking. It reminds me of the wind-up alarm clock my parents bought to comfort the dachshund puppy we brought home when I was six. We put the puppy in a box with a blanket and the clock, which was supposed to sound like her mother’s heartbeat. She cried all night. The next day, we went back to the breeder and brought home one of her brothers to keep her company. Then, two puppies cried all night. The loud tick-tick-tick of the alarm clock did nothing to comfort them.

But as I listen to my new watch tick-tick-tick, I do find it comforting. The steady, certain sound has a calming effect that I need for when I head back to work after a long and somewhat surreal vacation.

Grateful for: something new.

Berkeley

2011-08-13T12:04:00.003-04:00

Five years. That's how long it's been since I was in Berkeley. How absurd that my mom was sad about my not spending more time in Seattle when I hardly every come to CA. Anyway.

I've been thinking about what I want. What do I really like to do? What would be my ideal job? I'm pretty sure that even if I had a wonderful boss and no issues with our contracting office, my job still wouldn't be it. It would be close because it has some larger social meaning, which is important to me and is what set me on my career path. I also like the concreteness of it...except it doesn't really have that. Not really. That's what drew me to demography and away from English. But I'm not doing demography anymore, not really.

When I lived in France, I spent all my time knitting, reading and watching tv/movies. I also traveled, walked around a lot and saw a lot of old movies. I was quite content if occasionally lonely. I was rarely lonely long and I didn't feel bad about the lack of direction or meaning in my pursuits. I didn't seriously try to write, which is what I always thought I wanted to do. In fact, it's still what I think I want to do but not what I'm doing. I also love the knitting, but, ultimately, I think it's a distraction. If I spent half the time writing as I do knitting, I'd have a book or two by now. But it uses a completely different brain space, one that is pretty used up after a stressful time at work.

When I managed to go to the gym a few days in row the other week, I felt much better. But how do I manage in any given day to put in a full eight hours, go to the gym, knit, write, cook dinner and manage to sleep? Not to mention occasional socializing. Work just takes up too much time.

I'm going to keep thinking about this and try and enjoy my family time. Wish me luck.

Grateful for: time to think.

Seattle

2011-08-12T14:42:00.000-04:00

I’ve just spent a pleasant few days in Seattle and I’m on my way to California to see my dad. Getting out of town was great, seeing Mom went well and the weather cooperated. I didn’t completely stop working, though by today (Friday), things really tapered off. I was checking email every day and writing back quite a few times. I think everyone realizes that I actually need a vacation, though, so despite the seeming urgency of this work, they will make do without me. I know my last post was a horrible work rant, but I am feeling better. No blow ups with my supervisor since I last wrote. We’re both a little extra cautious around each other, which is probably for the best. How this will play out over the long haul, I can’t say, but I am confident I can control my temper and I will be actively trying to find a solution to my problem—be that transferring to a different office and new supervisor (but keeping my current portfolio) or getting a new job (I have applied for two).

I am approaching my trip to California with some trepidation. I avoid going there and prefer to see my dad other times. I had (“had”) to go this time because my youngest Israeli niece is visiting and one of the way my dad persuaded my brother to send her was by promising that I would be there to help entertain her. I do like her and I think we will have a fine time, but it isn’t exactly the vacation I would have planned for myself. It will also be good to see a lot of my CA cousins, who I haven’t seen in years. I like them a lot, they’re interesting people, but obviously we’re not close since we don’t make special purpose plans to see each other. Even so, I am looking forward to that part.

I’m not sure how it happened, but I am sitting in first class. I used my frequent flier miles to get this ticket and I don’t remember using a premium amount for this seat. I’d much rather have been in first class for the flight from DC to Seattle…but here I am, and I’m not complaining. It’s much more comfortable. Wider seat, more leg room, early boarding. That last is kind of weird, since it means more time on the plane and getting to see everyone board, including frail, tiny old people who should really get to see in these special seats. I guess we’re all lucky enough to be flying, so I should stop feeling guilty. I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the flight. I can consider it a small recompense for the extreme stress spending a week with my dad and stepmother is sure to cause. Actually, having my niece there will make all the difference for me too.

Grateful for: family.

2011-08-06T13:22:00.000-04:00

Does anyone wonder what happened to me? I got no desperate pleas from readers to account for myself or return to form. So, what can I say? I’ve been really, really, REALLY busy with work. Things are going into a slight ebb as I get ready to leave town for my “vacation” but I think I’ll return to huge pile when I get back.

And, things have deteriorated further with my supervisor. Hard to believe, right? Or maybe not. Everyone who advised me to get out was absolutely right, though I still stand by my reasons for staying. I’m at a critical career-making juncture. I’ll never get the chance again to have this much say over so much meaningful and high dollar value work (high dollar in the research world sense, not the building jet fighters sense).

This is it, it’s my moment, and this ridiculous, insecure, controlling woman is ruining it. It’s frustrating. It’s depressing, discouraging disheartening—all the “dis” words, in fact. She is driving me to distraction and provoking the worst possible behavior. Yes, I say it IS all her fault, but I must take responsibility for my behavior—for my anger and loud voice (ahem: YELLING)—and that is all I can do. She has now semi-officially threatened me with a reprimand. So, while I’m not done with getting irritated with her (just happened yesterday when she insisted on speaking to me WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE), I have to be done with ever yelling at her again—or even doing what she interprets as yelling. With her, even the very slightest change in tone, something that often happens when I speak and I’m adding emphasis—I can be HAPPY and have my voice get louder—is instantly interpreted as “yelling.” OY VEY. So, she gets to monitor my every move and that means, when I’m around her, I have to monitor myself too. I have vowed to simply walk away from her the next time I’m tempted to yell. It’s promise I will keep. Even leaving mid-meeting will be better than raising my voice with her.

I continue to be befuddled by her critique of my work and behavior. It used to be that my bosses actually rated me on my work. This boss seems to rate me on my personality. I mean, if I’m not getting work done, and it’s because of my personality, fine, let me have it. But to hear her tell it, I’m the hardest working person in the office! (I would never make such a claim.) But, then again, I don’t listen to my co-workers. Um, no, I listen to my co-workers, I don’t listen to HER. Sheesh.

“[Jamy] brings tremendous clarity of thought, creativity, skill, and expert knowledge and know-how to the implementation and oversight of social science research. She is unfailingly consistent in delivering quality, thoughtful work that reflects the high standards she sets for herself. She is also generous in sharing her experience with newer staff, she is a great teacher!”

Sounds good, right? But watch out! See what lurks beneath….

“Sometimes, strengths can also be weaknesses and [Jamy] is sometimes very quick to react to her colleagues and this sometimes has a dampening effect on allowing other voices to be heard. As a leadership goal, I would like to see [Jamy] work on developing richer listening skills, and working harder to encourage other voices to be heard, particularly when she finds herself either leading discussions, or as, the "knowledge broker" in the room….”

Isn't it funny that she wants me to have leadership goals when it's quite clear she doesn't want me to have a leadership role in our office? And, what does it mean that I’m “very quick to react” to my colleagues? Is that necessarily a bad thing? What if I were asking a clarifying question? Also, I know how brainstorming sessions work—and we haven’t had many—so the contention that I have a dampening effect is beyond insulting. It simply isn’t true. If I’m actually LEADING a discussion, how can I do that if I don’t encourage others to be heard? I have no idea what she’s talking about because I lead relatively few meetings. The last one I lead, I made it a point to speak last.

Anyway, if I have a clear, strong opinion—in a meeting I’m NOT leading—I shouldn’t express it? Perhaps I should be more ladylike? Perhaps I should be more like her! What with her waffling, uncertain, unclear presentation full of hemming and hawing and extreme numbers of caveats…is that really it? That I’m too much like a man? (Or not enough like her?) I’m pretty sure that if I were a guy, none of this would be an issue. In fact, the guys who are like me, full of ideas and strong options, have risen to the top positions in our office. HEAVY FUCKING SIGH.

I want to promise that I’ll stop writing about work. I promise to try.

Grateful for: the return of perspective.

On the way

2011-07-01T17:19:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, I'm going to Nashville for the long weekend to see good, old friend KJ. I am so excited! KJ is already being a good hostess by checking on what food and alcohol I would like and stocking up. I keep telling her not to bother but will she listen? NO! That's ok, I can take some deluxe treatment. :) Hrm...I should probably be bringing a house gift, but my PRESENCE will have to be my PRESENT. I will take her knitting order for next time! (Wait, I totally owe her some knitting--her request goes to the top of the queue!)

Anyway, the freak-out of the week has now happened twice this week, which is a bummer, because once a week is way more than enough. (Right--I've created a syndicated feature in my mind about my supervisor's regular freak-outs.) This week, I was called into jury duty on Thursday. The timing was bad due to my upcoming trip and an important meeting on Thursday afternoon. The supervisor was still here when I found out and she FREAKED OUT, spinning out all the worst possible scenarios. She was "clutching her chest" in consternation.

As it turned out, I wasn't even there a full day, made it to the meeting and by 5pm on Thursday, I knew I was completely done.

Unfortunately, I met with another FREAK OUT this morning about a completely different topic. It took way too much time to give her something simple. This was due to her incomplete explanation and incomplete understanding of what was required. When I told her that what she was asking me to do wasn't part of my normal job, she refused to believe me. Heck, I've only been doing this job for a decade plus, clearly someone who has been here lesst than two years would know better than me what is part of my normal job. I didn't refuse to do what she asked, I was just trying to explain why she needed to be especially clear about what she was asking.

My guess is that my old bosses just this task without asking for additional input from staff. I didn't give her new information. In fact, I only wrote about three sentences total. And she needed clarification of those! At one point she said she'd go through her files to find the information. That's nuts--I had the information in my head, as she should. This is what you get for close attention to the truly trivial details. Anyway, it's done now and no more freaking out until next week. That is, she can freak out all she likes, but I won't be checking my email, so I won't know about it until next week.

Yesterday and today I rode short distances on the shared bike. Yesterday, I did at least a couple of miles of leisurely walking. Maybe yoga tonight and tomorrow morning? Then a plane ride to Nashville for a relaxing and fun weekend! I hope you enjoy the same.

Grateful for: good friends.

Day 20

2011-06-29T15:41:00.001-04:00

I've fallen a bit off the blogging wagon but I've done a bit better with the exercise/fitness regime. I still haven't figured out how to do yoga as a daily thing. All my social running around and susequent late bedtimes have made the mornings impossible. But, I have done a better job incorporating biking, which I've always liked, yet fell out of the habit of doing (probably because of two scary car encounters a few years ago). I've also added in the 5BX routine--mostly for the push-ups--but this way, I do a little something every morning. That, plus moderate biking and occasional yoga, should be a good platform to get me ready for the gym again and a bit more intensity. I am trying so hard to take it slowly AND be a bit active. I am way more injury prone than in the past so I know if I rush it, I'll end up hurting myself and then it's all for naught. That's the idea--ease in, don't over do it and work up to some more intense excersies in a month or so. anyway, I have my run down below, just for my own record keeping.

But first, what is up with my friends this year? Last year, I had zero going for the Fourth of July. This year, I've gotten four separate invitiations! And what am I doing this year? Going to Nashville to visit KJ! She has the entire weekend planned for me, which is awesome. I feel extra lucky. I hope that next year, if I'm in DC, it will be just as full of wonderful offers.

Day 16 (6/25/11): I took a very long bike ride, about 11 miles. It was great and a perfect day for it. I was tired from it, though not exhausted. I was famished afterwards.

Day 17 (6/26/11): About 1 mile on the (shared) bike, just to the metro. I went to visit my old boss, Larry, which ended up lasting to the evening. I probably walked about 1.5 miles too.

Day 18 (6/27/11): I did about 1/2 hour of yoga in the morning. I also rode my bike to work and later to the bike shop, about five miles total.

Day 19 (6/28/11): A light day--about 2 miles biking home (on the shared bike) the long way from the further metro.

Today! One mile on the (shared) bike so far. I'll pick up the bike from the shop this afternoon and ride it home for another mile. Maybe yoga tonight?

Grateful for: semi-consistency.