Grateful Dating

Through the looking glass

2025-02-19T14:41:00.005-05:00

I'm living in a world that was unimaginable to me until everything started crashing down. I know what is happening, what the prez and his crony-in-chief are trying to do. They have had limited but devastating success so far, but will they be able to completely dismantle the administrative state? I get really worked up whenever I talk about this stuff. I'm furious and dismayed. It actually hit my company because most of our work is via federal contracts. Four of our contracts were summarily canceled for "convenience" last week. One contract was almost complete--we were writing the final report! Everything is a lie, it's all for optics and crafting a narrative. It's most certainly not about waste, fraud, and abuse.

I am fine. My partner has his job, which seems secure (though they work for federal entities). I have a lot of savings. My job is wobbly but should be fine for a few months. We'll try and find other work. We'll see.

Grateful for: being a good saver.

All is well

2025-01-23T10:01:00.002-05:00

So the good--great!--news is that Mom doesn't have cancer, or at least they couldn't detect any. That means no radiation and no temporary relocation to Seattle. The latter is a little sad but I'm happy not to have my life disrupted in exactly that way.

All that means is that life is back to feeling normal. I am busy, biking all the time, letting work build up so I feel busy. Here I am. Boring life and boring blog.

Now the world isn't boring. It's a horror show. Feeling powerless as usual!

Grateful for: a cancer reprieve.

Feelings

2024-12-24T11:08:00.002-05:00

I've been in Seattle for about a week. Mom had surgery last week for a reoccurrence of her mouth cancer. Happily, her procedure took less than an hour and she only had to spend one night in the hospital. She is tired out but can speak normally and eat liquids and soft foods.

I got to town a couple of days before surgery and overheard most of her call with her therapist. I will say, this man is a miracle. He's gone with her to some of her medical appointments and is helping her tremendously with her anxiety. He told her to try and stay in the present moment, so I've been echoing that suggestion. She will focus on the worst case scenario and it only makes her more anxious. He also said something about me and was she worried about my feelings. I think he suggested asking me. In that moment, I looked inside and I felt...nothing. I am just here. I need to be here and I am doing my best. Turns out that means adjusting the water heater thermostat, replacing the bathroom thermostat (a job much more difficult than it should've been), and replacing and wiring up a new stereo system.

Of course I do have feelings. Back home, I dreamt about having to divvy up Mom's stuff and wondering who would want her things. It's almost impossible for me to imaging her being gone. She is turning 84 in days so it is inevitable...but I cannot quite get there. Maybe it's for the best. And maybe that blank is inside me so I can continue to function and actually be supportive. When I was little and through my early and even mid-teens I was extremely close to Mom. As a child, I thought of her as my best friend, even though I eventually had a same-age best friend. As I formed more friendships with my peers, I was able to separate more from Mom. And then I started to selectively withhold information from her, especially after I moved across the country for grad school. I used to tell her about all the guys I dated until she started to talk about losing track. She could really hit me in all my weak spots so I stopped confiding everything in her. Even in my current relationship, if I start to complain about Jimmy, she will say "I can't listen anymore" and I will have to stop. Who can you complain to about your partner if your mom won't listen? So there is a bit of rift, though we have never stopped communicating. Maybe for her all those hurts are in the past, but some of the memories are quite live for me. I wonder if it's any different because I don't have kids? I suppose I would be dealing with things in quite a similar way. And any kids of mine would be pretty big by now but I don't know if I'd be able to drop everything and come out for a week. So maybe an up-side.

I am less worried about going home because Mom has a lot of friends and some of the folks in her building have left flowers and other small gifts at her front door. We have talked about her moving to senior housing, but I dunno, if she could get regular help maybe staying put would be the best thing for her? I know she will be a bit lonely after I leave but she will have friends to fill in the gap and she will have her space to herself again.

That said, she will almost certainly need a course of radiation in a few weeks. I'll come back for the last half of that process, which is supposed to be the hardest part. I plan on extended stay and Jimmy will come with me that time.

Grateful for: family.

Sick

2024-12-13T17:58:00.002-05:00

I've been sick for a few days. Trying to work. Been on two walks this week. Still don't feel 100%. Have to head out to Seattle next week. Busy packing.

Not a whole lot to say today but I'm still alive.

Grateful for: rest.

Lazy days

2024-12-02T10:20:00.001-05:00

I had a semi-lazy long weekend. Last night (Sunday night), I had that feeling of dread about Monday and having to go back to work. I don’t know if I ever really had that feeling as a kid, though I’m sure I did. I am very busy right now, a combination of delaying some tasks, a bunch of new task, and the time-consuming nature of one specific and on-going task. Usually, being this busy propels me into action, but instead I feel tired and droopy.

We had a very low-key Thanksgiving. I didn’t even try and find other people to spend it with, though that’s really what I wanted. My friends still usually go out of town or have their own local family gatherings. I wish I was more linked in with a regular Thanksgiving celebration. I don’t know why it didn’t happen. But I wanted a more or less traditional meal and that’s more or less what we had. Jimmy bought turkey parts—two legs and two thighs. When it came to the eating, I didn’t like my leg and only picked at it, but we had garlic mashed potatoes, which I made, Brussels sprouts, gravy, and cranberry jelly. I was happy with the sides and they filled me up. I’d made pecan bars in lieu of a pie, so that was quite a good dessert, plus some whipped cream. And we had champagne in the fridge, bought for some event but never opened, so had it with dinner. Maybe I will try harder to invite people over next year or do more coordinating in advance. We manage to get a decent crowd for Passover, so maybe we can do it another time as well.

I took most of Friday off. I biked to my favorite semi-local coffee shop, which I malaprop-ed into “Old Sock” (if you live around here, you may be able to guess the real name). I brought my work computer and probably did an hour of the very tedious editing task on my plate. The rest of the day is a blur!

On Saturday, I decided I wanted to go to a new Japanese “grocery ” store in Rockville. I was going to drive, but my car was dead again after sitting for several months. It’s either the battery or a small animal has chewed through a wire. We took Jimmy’s car and it was kind of fun. I got a bunch of silly and practical things—some cleaning items, a few food items—and a tiny figurine that cost $28 (!!!!). Whoops—impulse cash register buy gone wrong. But we hit some kind of spending threshold so we got a “free” insulated bag that had a bunch more goodies, including a large bottle of apple juice (Jimmy likes juice, so that was a win), various candies, a noodle pack, chips…so maybe it was worth it? We then stopped at what I would actually consider a Japanese grocery store and got some frozen dumplings and other noodles. And then…since it was so close, we went to one of my favorite Chinese restaurants in the area. That was a good Saturday and I felt ok taking it easy the rest of the day.

Sunday, I had some intentions of taking a bike ride, but instead I baked corn muffins in the morning and then sat on the floor in the living room reading for a few hours. Eventually I transitioned to the couch and watched a bunch of TV. And in no way am I prepared to work today, but without other good options, that is what I will do.

Grateful for: lazy long weekends.

Friends

2024-11-26T10:10:00.001-05:00

I seriously forgot about the blog! Work got kinda busy and sucked up all my brain space. Lord I hate work! I hate it less when I'm busy but I still kind of want to be done with it. I have enough money to retire...but I can't access it for a few more years. In a few more years will T**** and cronies have f'd up the economy so much that all of my investments will tank? I'm a super cautious investor but who knows if that will make any difference!

My work is so dull. I'm taking forever to do a close line-edit of a very long document. I'm failing to do background reading for another project where the topic is of the "important but dull" variety.

Last weekend--no weekend before last--I went on a group bike ride in the world "Day of Remembrance" for victims of traffic violence. Good cause. Decent ride. I ended up riding with a friendly woman who is a world traveler and more serious cyclist than I, but we had a good convo and it was fun to spend time getting to know a stranger. Same thing happened the last time I did the same ride! The two people couldn't have been more different and that was a lot of the fun. I also took myself out for lunch after the ride. Ended up at a second-floor almost hidden Japanese restaurant where I'd been one other time! It was very good and I ate every bite of the katsu bowl (not the bowl itself). Then I biked around a bit more and realized I was near a well-reviewed French-style bakery and figured why not? As I was locking my bike, I started chatting with a guy and we just talked and talked. He was going to the bakery too, so we ended up hanging out and talking for probably an hour (?). We were both in relationships so it felt very easy and friendly. Kinda wish we'd exchanged info, but how odd really that would've been. Still, it was a great day for talking to new people and I miss those chance encounters I used to have when I left the house more frequently.

Grateful for: meeting new people.

All the rants

2024-11-14T18:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday on an internal call, we had a little discussion about public housing and various related things. One dude, who I have always known was a Republican said, "I'm a Bush guy, so no one will talk to me" but he also said he knew people with connections to the new administration...so someone will talk to him. Imagine openly saying you're a "Bush guy"--only one of the worst presidents in our history! And it was also reassuring to me that he didn't say "I'm a Trump guy"! How is this happening...again.

Anyway. Today was another day where I didn't do my work. This is such a pattern. I let things pile up due to boredom, lack of initiative, or general inability to focus. The pile up causes of sense of urgency and I feel under pressure and I get things done. Sometimes it feels impossible but I tell myself, it will work out in the end, because it always has in the end. And it continues to work out. I need to figure out how to break this pattern, but, for now, I'm busy. Yay.

Grateful for: learning (re-learning?) patterns.

Volunteer

2024-11-13T07:59:00.001-05:00

After a long weekend, I started a new volunteer gig today at the elementary school just a few blocks down the road. I was basically a lunch room/playground monitor. I hung out with the kindergarteners while they ate and then watched them play. I talked to a lot of them, introducing myself by my first name. Some of them came up to me with no introduction and asked they could go to the bathroom. Some introduced me to all of their friends. Unfortunately, while we were inside the school, I could barely hear a thing and realized the racket was making me a little crazy. I always try and carry some ear plugs and I realized I needed to put them in during the indoor portion of the event. It helped a bit. I learned a few names and talked to more and more of the kids after we got outside for recess. I focused on keeping them from hitting each other and stomping on each other's feet. I worked on separating the kids that were having the most aggressive interaction. Overall, it was energizing and felt great to be around the kids. I let them come to me and many of them did. I didn't try and force conversations. Kids at this age are kind of wild and I loved it!

While the tutoring I used to do could be satisfying, the last few years, during and "after" the pandemic were mostly frustrating. I didn't have a regular student, the remote tutoring was frustrating, and even after we went back in person things weren't right. My last school had a really disorganized program. Often we had no kids to tutor at all. I never saw the same kid regularly and that was it for me. They tried to get me to come back but the work just didn't speak to me anymore.

Being a calm (haha) adult presence seems about right. Some kids asked my name, if I was someone's Mom (no, I live in the neighborhood), and one said "I like you" which is huge from a 5/6-year-old. I got some spontaneous hugs--heartwarming but also a little troubling. I had a long talk with one girl who sat next to me on a bench. Another boy introduced himself and also talked to me for a long time, though I had a harder time following his conversation. There were a lot of kids--probably over 50--but my goal is to learn all of their names. That is going to take a few weeks but I think I can do it.

Grateful for: new opportunities.

Painful

2024-11-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

So Jimmy is going through this thing where he wants to play rugby. He is an "old" "man" (more on that probably never) and this is a bad idea in many ways but he is obsessed with the game. He watches it a lot on TV, obviously international games, both men's and women's leagues. He even got season tickets to the local professional rugby league, which is over an hour's drive from our house. I went with him once. It was ok. He went a few times on his own. But there are a couple of rec-leagues in the area and he has been contemplating joining one. I actually understand his desire and I support whatever decision he makes. I thought he'd decided against it. I was slightly relieved because I don't want him to get injured. I was also slightly sad because I know how much he wants to play. In the last week or so he's started saying things like "when I play rugby..." I mostly ignored it but this morning I tried to have a conversation with him about it. Almost impossible! I say, talk to me! This is why I am here. For you to mull things over with. I guess this concept is pretty alien to Jimmy. He is so in his own head that the idea of sharing thoughts is alien. Same goes for sharing feelings. So he will play if he can test his stamina, test his knee. He's going to start running (haha) and in cleats (no!). He thinks he has plenty of time before the league starts up in the Spring. Sure. No. Whatever!

Then he decided to tell me a story about something else. Someone liking one of his posts on BlueSky (he is a twitter fatalist). And it was so hard to follow. He has no sense of narrative structure, But he is very helpful with the daily NYT crossword. Yes, we had some cross words! Ramble on.

Grateful for: someone to talk to.

Better

2024-11-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

I feel better. I can smile and laugh again. I even managed to get more work done today. The world isn't better but as I read, we're in the same world that we were in on Nov. 5 we just can see it more clearly. There are a lot of narratives of failure going around and I think the full story is quite complicated but perhaps the clearest framing is that the Rs told a better story. Their narrative of lies and fear won the day. People like stories and understand stories. It was always about the story, not the policies.

Somehow, in that spirit, I did all my exercising yesterday. Morning yoga, bike ride, then weights in the evening. Today I've done yoga and plan on a bike ride before dark. Weights maybe too! Also we ordered-in Chinese food last night and it was very good and comforting. I'm back to listening to the news but I took most of yesterday off. I now have a fantasy about spending a week in a cabin in the woods looking at the trees and maybe soaking in a hot tub. Jimmy isn't as enthusiastic. Should I just go without him?

Grateful for: a bit of perspective.

I just can't

2024-11-06T13:04:00.001-05:00

What a privilege to be able to spend the morning biking and looking at a creek as a way to deal with a country where it looks like the majority of people are willing to (re)elect one of the worst people to be the leader. Some people were shocked, others merely surprised. Some people predicted it, and now some people are glorying in the big f**k-you they just sent to all the people they deem worthless. This extreme lack of empathy is only one of the many troubling things about this election. I don't think it's the end of America or even the end of everything good America symbolizes, but it does show a country in a struggle to the death with its identity. It's been very hard to work today.

Grateful for: being able to fight another day.

The point

2024-11-05T15:14:00.000-05:00

You'll be delighted to learn that I fixed my flat tire. However, I didn't identify a sharp object embedded in the tire that caused the flat so I am concerned I'll flat again...but what can you do? I'm on the fence about new tires, but shouldn't those three flats in a row convince me? Probably.

Was this blog ever interesting? Years ago at a blogger meetup I was talking to this guy and it became clear that he didn't read my blog. It used to be a funny thing where I might start telling a story but realized the person I was talking to was quite familiar with everything I was saying already! Well, this was like the opposite of that. I sort of expected him to know a little bit about my life. I can't remember if I straight out asked if he read the blog but he sort of exploded with "I don't, I don't read it!" And I remember saying, fine, of course, but what is the problem? I think he'd been a reader and even used to comment, so I didn't understand why he stopped. And he said something like, "I can't take it! It's too much!" I had no idea what to say to that. These days, I guess it's too little and too much. It's the drudgery of daily working from home life. Not enough variety. Not enough talking to people. Not enough stimulation. Or something.

What is my usual day like? I might wake up around 5am and read then fall back asleep. Then I really wake up around 7am. If I have my phone nearby, I'll work on the NYT crossword puzzle (if I haven't already finished it). I scroll through different social media sites. I listen to the radio. I intend to get up. Sometimes I'll stay in bed until 9/9:30/10am. Usually Jimmy is already up, but sometimes he'll be in bed on his phone too. We might talk. If I have a book I really like going, I may read for a while. I finally get up, do my morning routine. I'll then make coffee. Sometimes I'm not at my desk until 11am. I feel like this is very wrong. I am behind on some work tasks but also it doesn't seem to matter. I want to do better. I need to get up earlier. For a while, I was doing yoga in the morning and I really enjoyed it. All that time in bed, I could be working, or doing yoga, or riding my bike...but if I'm working earlier in the day, I can finish up earlier. Seems like common sense. Ironically (?), I get up a lot earlier on the weekends so I can go on a bike ride or visit the farmer's market. Today was middling--I was up around 9:00 am and ready to work by 9:20--because I thought I had a 9:30 meeting. But I didn't. I had an 11:30 meeting. So I went downstairs and made the coffee for Jimmy and me. I reheated my oatmeal and read a book while I ate it. I fixed my flat tire. Got back to work by 11am. I am just shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all. Perhaps I need to start going to the office occasionally.

Grateful for: reflection.

Flats

2024-11-04T13:49:00.002-05:00

We went on a long bike ride this weekend--was supposed to be 30 miles but we cut out for home a bit early due to a flat tire on my bike. Still we rode over 25 miles. I was totally wiped out, which felt ridiculous. I keep promising myself to bike more, walk more, lift weights more. Fits and starts as usual. This is I think the 3rd flat in as many months and I'm super annoyed. I am probably going to get at least one new tire, since that might be the problem. I really need to look at the tire more closely and see the state of the tread. I've put over 3,000 miles on these tires, but I have other bikes where my tires lasted way longer! Anyway, for now, I'll have to find the pointy thing that caused the flat before I ride again. Or maybe I'll take my acoustic bike out for a spin...

Work, sigh, still demotivated. I am getting busy again, which usually bodes well for motivation. Keeping busy is generally very good for me. I wish there were someway to break out of my old patterns and habits. Or replace the old ones with new good ones? Better ones? Am I so bad? Clearly, self-kindness is very low at the moment.

I even feel like I'm failing at the blog. No one is reading, I'm already inconsistent, and it's really dull. Go me!

Grateful for: time to reflect.

Candy

2024-10-31T18:08:00.002-04:00

In the early days of the blog, I had so much to say! And I have a lot to say but somehow I have less to write. Maybe because day-to-day life is so same-same and dull-dull. I'm going on a bike ride now so maybe I'll come back to this.

No bike ride for me because a flurry of work descended. So many emails. All about a budget issue that was impossible anticipate.

I ordered a bunch of clothing. Some of it arrived. The pants don't fit--dreaded waist gap. I'm not keeping it if it's not right. Cardigan that is a size too large but I might keep anyway. Cool velvet shirt/tunic. Trial run tonight for Halloween. We got the candy, bring on the kids!

Grateful for: Halloween.

Goals

2024-10-30T18:29:00.003-04:00

What I'm fretting about today. Am I boring? Will anyone ever read this blog again? Should I be trying harder to increase traffic? How did people find this back in the day? I tell myself I'm not writing for an audience. This is for myself to try and recover my "zest" (or whatever). But I do miss knowing I had some readers! I miss the occasional comment! The comments are one of the best things about a blog. I don't know why. I crave and miss regular social connection. Jimmy doesn't count (unfortunately).

I had the meeting with the "career" counselor. She had a lot of nice things to say about me, she loved my "sense of humor" and said I had a "lightness of spirit." But also that my honesty gets me into trouble (check) and that I talk a lot (check). She asked if I felt a need to fill the silence. I said I have stories to tell and I want to tell the entire story. That the story is more satisfying if you hear the entire thing! Then she said something that I found frankly bizarre--that perhaps I'm underestimated because I seem "ditzy" because I'm high energy, quirky, and have a high voice. The voice thing is true, though I often forget about it. Quirky, sure. High energy is funny because I know I have been perceived that way at times, but I feel very low energy these days. I also feel like I'm overestimated sometimes at work because they just think I can do anything or figure anything out. I don't know everything and I could use more help at times. Anyway, no I'm not ditzy. If anything, I'm too serious, but that is tempered by my humor.

I think the real issue is that I feel purposeless. Work can be good and it can be bad. It's usually not terrible though it can be stressful. But I just don't know what I would really like to be doing. I don't have an ideal job or a career goal. I'm just kind of here.

Grateful for: long talks.

Vote

2024-10-29T16:19:00.002-04:00

So I spent about 30 minutes today trying to encourage one of my junior staffers to vote. Was it too much? Was I being inappropriate? I laid out a case on several dimensions. The case for Harris and Democrats in general. The importance of state and local races and referendums. And why politics matters in our work and in healthcare for us and our families. Now I'm worried. She is quiet and I didn't ask her views or give her room to talk. That was probably a mistake. I often assume people see things basically the same way I do. I think she is a good hearted person. Her goal is a career in public health. Yet she wasn't connecting that to "politics." Isn't that odd? I hope I did the right thing. She lives in swing state so her vote really matters!

Grateful for: democracy.

Tired

2024-10-28T15:43:00.002-04:00

It wasn't a bad weekend. I took a nice bike ride on Saturday and had a very lazy Sunday. I felt terrible on Friday and took a sick day. I figured I'd perk up by the next day and I did.

Today I insisted that Jimmy help me put up some Halloween decorations. I managed to break a light-up ceramic pumpkin, but I had two others to use instead. Also a "web" with a big fake spider. Everything is looking a little worse for wear so this may be the last year for this set of decorations. Also I was so late getting things up! We also have about ten pounds of candy. Yes, I've opened it and I'm now snacking happily away on a mixed chocolate and fruity treats. Jimmy got two bags at Costco. I think it's better than what we've had in years past--seems fresher.

I'm trying to get ready for my career counseling session later this week. I did write out a few things but I don't have the energy to focus on it now. Do I send her things? Do we talk it through? At least one of the exercises I don't even know how to get started on. I know I'll talk too much even though me talking is sort of the point. But to get anything out of it, I have to listen. So my goal is to listen and try and minimize the tangents.

Grateful for: balance.

The work day

2024-10-24T17:23:00.003-04:00

I'm starting this post at 9:33am as I wait for a client to join a call. She hasn't arrived yet and it's odd because she's usually early. She joined! I feel quite friendly towards this client. She's 31, young compared to me. I'm often telling her little rambling asides. She's started to share more with me. It's a really working relationship.

I guess this is one of those day-in-a-life blogs.

Work has kept popping up. And then I had to eat lunch. I took a walk around the block. I keep watching videos. I need to finish up the notes from my call this morning. I derailed my therapy session. I mused on possibly having ADHD/Autism, which seems crazy to me, but at least the first part would explain a lot of my focus struggles. Wild stuff.

Grateful for: time to goof off.

Years in review

2024-10-23T13:16:00.003-04:00

As I've started writing again, I've been reading old posts. There is a lot there! Some things I remember clearly, some have faded over time. A lot of the dates are complete blanks 😐. The work stress at my current job--a lot of that I have completely forgotten! Good thing I switched to my new division. Work now feels vaguely dissatisfying but I think it's just working at all that is the problem. Yes, sometimes the work is difficult, boring, or tedious. But it can also be interesting and challenging. My internal teams tend to be really good and sometimes great. I go through cycles of intense focus and distraction.

I would like to be outside and biking but I struggle to fit it into my day. I don't think I reported my most recent bike purchase--an e-bike! I was struggling after the move to navigate all the hills in our new neighborhood. I was biking but dreading the ride home, which involves a steep uphill to get to the house almost any direction I take. Hills on top of hills. The e-bike is a lighter model but has enough oomph to get me home if I'm tired. I tend to avoid the steepest hills still but it can manage them if necessary. All summer I planned to get into a biking routine but I never did. I bike on all my errands and most weekends take a longer ride, but I want more!

I realize there are so many life updates that are missing. Relationship status: ongoing, with Jimmy. Some issues but we are very settled. I don't know if that's a good thing. My father died a bit over 2 years ago. It was hard and upsetting. Knowing he was going to die didn't help, even though he'd been confined to his bed for over a year and basically nonverbal. I miss him all the time. Death is so terribly final. My mom is doing ok. I guess we're generally getting along, but she's had a number of serious health issues and is prone to bouts of depression. The blog reminded me I was seriously considering a move to Seattle about 8 years ago. I probably should've done it since I would feel better if I were closer to Mom. I've been trying to visit more often and stay longer. I've done that twice with Jimmy. We rented AirBnBs within walking distance, did some work, and I think it was mostly good. I need to plan another trip like that soon. In the spring I went for a week or so to visit my NYC uncle (Mom's brother), and he's doing great for a 90-year-old. I need to get up there to see him again soon.

Anyway. Writing again regularly is nice. Maybe I'll stick with it.

Grateful for: reflection.

Multi-tasking

2024-10-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

Am I also monitoring a training session while I write this? Of course not! I would never.

That does make me think about my inability to focus on things I'm interested in. I'm reading a couple of good books right now. I can read for a bit but then I check my phone. And then an hour goes by. I sit down to watch the TV, but again, I'm reading something else or playing a game. I know this is common. It's not just me. But how do I relearn how to focus on what I'm interested in? I do find a long bike ride is a great way to listen to podcasts or audio books. I will miss some details but not so may that I think it's a waste of time. I would like to be a bit kinder to myself when it comes to all the distractions that all of us are experiencing.

Grateful for: self-kindness.

Back to the Grind

2024-10-21T12:23:00.002-04:00

We had a fairly nice weekend at the beach. We saw ponies! I talked to my old friend. I got mad at Jimmy for delaying our departure. I guess it was mostly miscommunication about when I wanted us to arrive vs. when we planned to leave. We weren't at all on the same page and I got angry and flustered. This isn't uncommon. I tried to explain to Jimmy why I was so frustrated. Eventually I think he understood. During the drive and most of the trip, things were fine. The place we stayed was simple and adequate. We biked to Assateague Island and even saw a few ponies! I didn't even know how much I wanted to see the ponies.

All the baking I did in advance was appreciated. We all enjoyed the lemon bread and sourdough. My friend particularly enjoyed the meringue cookies. I should've sent some home with her.

Now I'm back at my desk, trying to work. Other than some fires I needed to put out, there are no pressing tasks. I could do some reading or try and get a jump on some future deadlines, or I could just gaze out my window at the sunlight filtering through the trees.

Grateful for: nice days.

Getting ready

2024-10-18T10:06:00.000-04:00

We are hitting the road today for a short weekend at the beach. Off season beach going is the best! We are lucky that the forecast is for warm and mild temps. I'm trying to take the day off work. Not as easy as it seems! I had two tasks--and now they are done. I'm waiting for the bread to finish its last rise so I can bake it and then I have to go to the post office. And pack. So maybe we'll get out before noon or maybe not. I'm glad to be getting away. Not worrying about the house for a few days is great. I wish we could bring the cats but they will be fine for a couple of days without us.

Grateful for: travel.

On a roll

2024-10-17T18:07:00.001-04:00

I seem to be doing as little work as possible these days. Maybe this is a good thing while I figure out my goals and future (sheesh). I biked to a little new-to-me coffee shop that turned out to be carry out only. I sat at a table outside and did my writing assignment for the day. When I got home, I did some work, then started baking. We’re spending the weekend with a friend at a beach “cottage” and I decided to make some lemon pound cake, bread, and whip some egg whites into meringue cookies. I don’t know what went wrong with the cookies, but it took forever to get stiff peaks. During baking, they mostly kept their shape but flattened a bit and leaked a gooey, clear liquid. We had to pry them off the baking sheets, but they are a nice texture…on top. The lemon cake is cooling. I’ll have to bake the bread in the morning. If there’s a bread issue, we’ll pick up some bagels. Yes, sometimes there’s a bread issue! After getting most of the baking going, I did some more work. Then I decided to do some yard work. More baking. Now the cake is cooling and I’m periodically brushing on some lemony glaze. I am really looking forward to relaxing this weekend.

Grateful for: baking.

Day two

2024-10-16T11:17:00.005-04:00

Can I say I’ve had this blog for almost 20 years? How is that even possible. The blog has existed that long, but my last break was literal years, so maybe it’s unfair to claim 20 years. A lot has happened in that time.

I’m currently in a late mid-life crisis. A crisis of purpose. Certainly leaving my old government job was a first step on that path since the job was a big part of my identity. But I feel like I’m floating. Making fewer and fewer active decisions and rather letting things happen. What are my goals? I don’t know—the big goals have been met. Some are now out of reach. I own a home (not a goal) and a car (not a goal). I have a f-ton of money saved (goal, but without a purpose). I finished my PhD (goal!), I’ve done a lot of research and have several publications (goal?), though only a handful are peer reviewed (goal-ish). Years ago, I published a short story (big goal!), but never submitted more work or seriously tried to write a novel (dream). They say you’re a writer if you’re writing, so I’m not a writer these days. Or I’m only a writer in the sense of my paid work, which involves a lot of very uncreative writing.

The one writing assignment I had in the last few years were some scripts for a series of animated “explainer” videos. At some point, I realized the client wasn’t going to write the scripts and I was like, who has a degree in creative writing? Me! Who took a screenwriting class? Me! So I wrote the scripts. They were decent, sounded close to actual conversation (difficult when the purpose is to explain something), and included some low-key humor. Yes, I was a bit pleased with myself. Then the client reemerged from hibernation. He took my scripts and decimated them. No more natural conversation, no jokes, no laughs. It was so sad. I was sad. My one little work-related creative endeavor, crushed. But we did finish the videos and I was relieved that the project ended (it didn’t—we are working on an infographic, but the videos felt like an albatross).

The other devastation is that we have a serious moth infestation in this house. Much of my knitting was ruined (20%?). Everything else I washed and heat-treated in the dryer (not tumbled), and then put in air-tight plastic bins. Not conducive to wearing and demotivating when it comes to future projects. I just picked up the needles again, but I am a discouraged knitter.

And I think what is spurring all this self-reflection is that I recently got a bad performance review from a client. They said I was a disorganized and poorly prepared project manager. But the team was great and they are delighted with the products. WTF? How do you think you got great products if the PM was garbage? Anyway, I told my manager and then my manager told our CEO, and then they offered something that turned out to be “career” counseling. (In addition to my regular counseling and my couples counseling—oy vey.) It will be one two-hour session in a couple of weeks. And there is a big ass workbook and a bunch of writing exercises and I have to think about my goals and my future (what’s left of it) and I don’t wanna.

Grateful for: thinking about goals.

Just in Time

2024-10-15T12:01:00.002-04:00

I had a dream the other day that involved losing the blog. Maybe it wasn't a dream? A radio story about journaling? I thought about my journal, which is on paper and in blog form. I wondered...what will happen to the blog? How do I save it? Luckily, it's easy to download the entire blog! I did that this morning. Then I went to look at the blog page--it wasn't there! Turns out the company I used to host the "gratefuldating.net" domain had disappeared and I needed to reregister. But that meant there was literally no way to find the blog online! Well, for now, I've reverted to the blogspot domain while I set up the other one. How ridiculous! Not making any promises to readers or myself about regular posting, but at least nothing was lost.

Grateful for: checking in.