365 Days of Gratitude Photoblog

Friday, I am grateful...an update!

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 02:32:00 +0000

Hi. It's been a while. My apologies. I've missed you and I hope you've missed me too, my friends.

I won't lie to you. Since October, there have been many little challenges thrown in my path which has caused me to withdraw and to be a stranger. It began with health issues in October which coincided with the loss of a cherished and old friendship in my life. I was off my feet, quite literally, and had far too much time to think, to dwell, and to be confused. Autumn turned into winter and it hit me rather hard this time around. There was seasonal depression and the discovery of a lot of anger brewing inside of me (mainly due to this friendship ending). I tried my best to keep my chin up but, instead of talking it out, I filled certain gaps in my life with far too much overtime at work. Yes, not healthy. Consciously, I decided to turn things around for ME -- I began to work out daily which was great for both my mind and body. I began to write daily. I began to realize that there was a lot I needed to let go of.

After my birthday, my computer died and then my health started acting up again. That explains my disappearing act. As for my health, my joints began to ache. I thought it was simply PMS but it lasted two months. Dull, achy pain, and completely mentally exhausting. A pain that you can live with but is a bit draining on your happiness and spirit after a while. By the time I got in to see my doctor, the pain vanished. She thinks it is either Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus (possibly related to my Hypothyroidism?) so if and when I have another flare-up of pain, I have to go for more blood work. I am so grateful to not be in pain and I am so grateful that I can be active again in the way I wish to be. Seeing my osteopath has helped me so much, as well.

A few weeks ago, as I was walking home from work, I saw a cyclist get hit by a car door. It was in fast moving traffic and the cyclist could not avoid hitting the car door as there was a bus to his left. There was a loud thud, a man tangled in a bicycle, and a collective gasp on the street. It rattled me and, luckily, the cyclist was okay. As I walked away from the accident, in the warm sun, thoughts flooded my mind and tears to my eyes. I was so grateful that my friend/co-worker Laura gave me a hug that day and hope she is careful on her bike. I thought of my grandfather, who was a victim of a hit and run accident on his bicycle (he was injured, one leg amputated) ... and how much I missed him. And I thought of the friendship in my life that I recently lost.

This woke me up.

I realized that life is too short to hold onto such anger and bitterness of disappointment, of a broken heart in the end of a friendship. This person hurt me deeply but at the end of the day and the end of it all - I never hated this person. In fact, I loved this person and will always love this person even though their actions did not make any sense to me or my heart. I have no regrets and I know that this person will always be a part of me and a part of my history. I forgive him and I forgive myself. I can think back on our friendship and I can now smile. It has taken me a very long time to see again the beauty in all of this. It is a bittersweet feeling but I no longer feel weighed down by the pain of heart ache and severely bruised ego. In that moment, I declared - "today, I let go of anger". I feel free again, I feel like I can smile with ease, and I feel genuinely content. Though, I can honestly use a hug every now and then ... things are calm, the sun feels warm on my face, and I feel better than I have in a very long time. I have learned so much since October.

The photograph is of the necklace that I bought for myself on my birthday. I'm not into jewelry but this piece called out to me. It feels right and reminds me of many things - strength, beauty, love, lust, a diamond in the rough, loneliness and friendship, longing and loss, good luck and good timing.

It feels good to let go of anger, it feels good to not be depressed/anxious, it feels good to not be in physical pain, and it feels good to smile. I am grateful. :)

Wednesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 04:18:00 +0000

Hey, I'll be honest - I am in a cantankerous mood.

Since moving away, I haven't really dealt with birthdays very well. Birthdays and holidays; I miss my parents, my sister, and my old friends. I am not very pleasant to be around and I have had my own private cry in the bathtub. Tomorrow, my birthday, I will put on my best face and work happily. Sigh. I know there are so many things to be grateful for but there are some tough days when it is difficult to see the good things. As happy as I can be, there will always be darkness that follows me. I accept this and know this will flow and pass as it typically does.

I have no issues with telling someone that I am proud of them or that I am grateful for them. I should do it more often. I realize I'm an "adult" and I shouldn't need reassurance. Sometimes, I just want to hear someone say, "I'm so happy you are in my life" or "You are a beautiful person". I am a sensitive and often needy person.

Sometimes I am so tired of this loneliness that also follows me. It has been awhile since a friend here called me up to say "let's go out". Friends back home, sure. Here, nope. I go out and people stare at me like I am a fucking freak. People sit and stare like I have a bloody head wound. I have never been so invisible in the eyes of the opposite sex as I have in this city. I feel like I'm some sort of shadow blending into the back ground. No impact even though I know I'm a pretty wonderful person. Whine, whine, whine.

Yeah, I need a hug. My apologies for my pity party. These last few months haven't been easy.

Thank goodness for chocolate.

Tuesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 03:07:00 +0000

No, there is no photograph today.

I am grateful for laughing so much today. I think I am sleep deprived and winter is getting to me. I was giggly all day and I kept it all inside as my office is unusually quiet. My co-worker and friend, Laura, showed me this clip from Flight of the Conchords close to the end of my shift. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had a good laugh out loud. I laugh so much with Laura and this was just too much! :)

Monday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 04:33:00 +0000

I have fumbled for months but I believe I have found a solid footing to walk away and the grace to let you go, my friend.

Happy birthday. It will take a while to remember you with fondness and a smile.

Sunday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 03:48:00 +0000

... for warm winter days when you can smell spring in the air.

By now, we are all sick of winter and spring feels like it will never arrive. I keep thinking, spring is around the bend ... just a few more weeks ... let's hang on and we'll get through this. Today, the sun felt warm on my face and, as I walked along my way, puddles of melting snow were at my feet. It felt promising. The winter blues will soon go away, I'm certain!

As you can see in the photograph, there are no puddles to be seen. There were puddles, I promise - we received a good amount of snow over the past week and the city's snow removal trucks have yet to visit my neighborhood!

Saturday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 03:29:00 +0000

... for playtime.

Toshio is the first dog I have had in my life. One thing I have learned from this silly dingo is that you are never too old to play. He taught me how to play again. I love the weekends because I have ample time to play with him - run around, throw things, and explore. He loves the winter in particular so I have learned to enjoy it a little more as well. He's hilarious in the snow. You can simply pick up a snowball and he will begin to drool - he loves snowballs that much. Seeing my dog happy makes me happy.

Simple things, my friends - it's all about simple things. We should appreciate every single piece of happiness. I, too, have to remind myself of this because I do battle with darkness far too often than I would like to admit.

Friday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 04:13:00 +0000

... for belated Christmas gifts!

Big thanks to my lovely friend Nicole for the thoughtful gift. I laughed and I smiled. I have some pretty amazing friends back home.

I am also grateful that it is Friday. I would post a photo of myself made haggard by a tiring winter work week but that won't be pretty. Though I will miss silly laughs with certain co-workers, I'm happy to not be at work and sleeping in the warmth of my bed.

Thursday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 04:06:00 +0000

... for taking care of the business of pain.

I have dealt with lower back pain for far too long. It's not daily - I am very thankful for that - but when it does strike, it strikes something fierce. At it's worst, it is around ovulation. The joys of being a woman!

I saw an osteopath today. Some people may not trust it or find it a valid form of treatment but as long as no one is cracking my neck or prescribing me heavy-duty painkillers - I thought I would give it a go. It was relaxing, interesting, relieving, and a bit painful. Some aspects of osteopathy I do question but, over all, I left pleased and will return. It was amazing just to feel tension worked away from my back, neck, and legs. I've never even had a professional massage before this was a treat (and covered by insurance!).

Time for stretches!

Wednesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 03:11:00 +0000

... for gentlemen and feeling like a lady. Yes, it sounds silly.

In this day and age, women are taught to be strong and independent. And I support this idea, wholeheartedly. Yet, I cannot help appreciate men who will open the door for me or let me pass through the subway turnstile before them. I can certainly open my own doors and go through turnstiles whenever I damn well please ... ha ha ... but I like it. It makes me smile when a man politely nods while opening the door for me. It adds to the feeling of femininity when a man smiles gently and gestures for me to walk through first. Call me weak or what you may, I like it.

I think, sometimes, connections are lost in a big city. Coming from a small town, you do notice the difference. People are in a rush, strangers you see daily won't bother to say hello, and we're all in our own worlds in one big world. It's a shame. It may sound equally as silly but a smile from a stranger could make a difference in somebody's day. So, to the men of Montreal who have recently opened the door for me and were polite gentlemen - thank you! :)

By the way, the photograph above is of a very good friend of mine and a stranger who was helping her figure out a parking meter. He was a very friendly, fatherly chap and I couldn't help but smile at his helpfulness.

Tuesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 03:44:00 +0000

... for days that feel sunny and bright even on the gloomiest and grayest of winter days.

Today feels like a good day to begin again. The last few months have been rough, both physically and mentally. My body managed to heal itself and left me with the rest to work through. Healing a heart is a much lengthier, more precise process. I am still traveling through it, trying to keep my chin up as time guides me gently.

Speaking of my health, the many doctors I saw over many weeks could not find the answer to my problem. They ruled out all the "bad stuff" and were very thorough - many thanks go to the Montreal General Hospital. Not only are they thorough but the staff is delicious eye candy! See, I can look on the bright side of being in physical pain and illness. *wink* My best guess, as well as my family doctor, is that it was my thyroid. The moment I switched dosages; the pain, inflammation, and edema in my joints went away. I kindly suggest any reader with hypo/hyperthyroidism to monitor your thyroid regularly.

I am also very grateful for all the office silliness that ensued today. Some days, it just feels too good to laugh!

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 22:07:00 +0000

Hello! I'm still here - just not blogging!

This past week and a half have been a little rough. I've spent the majority of this week in ER/the hospital seeing specialists, getting xrays, having blood taken, and even an ultrasound of my organs. Don't worry - all the truly bad things have been dismissed (like "organ failure" or "cardiac arrest", etc). The problem is, the doctors and specialists don't really know what is going on with me. In the meantime, I am resting at home and blogging is the last thing on my mind right now. I am in good spirits however, feeling happy that nothing major is going on, and putting a lot into perspective. I am on prednisone which is cutting back on the inflammation - I can put on shoes and walk fairly comfortably. :)

I will return. I just need a little rest. I know y'all understand. :)

Much love,

Linda

Wednesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 03:25:00 +0000

... for having a doctor who is sincere and genuinely cares about my health.

I'd be lying to say I feel like I am in tip-top shape. I'm not. I am not necessarily in pain but I can't say I feel comfortable. This discomfort is exhausting, to be honest. I'm grateful that my doctor saw me early, between patients, so we can get to the bottom of this. I am scheduled for more tests next week. Wish me luck!

Be good to your bodies,

Linda

PS) I need to buy new batteries for my camera. I keep using old photographs here!

Tuesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 03:50:00 +0000

... for the safe first rescue of Florencio Avalos, the Chilean miner.

Sometimes you have to stop being "me me me" and recognize the strength, bravery, courage, and endurance of others. These men have such tremendous spirit. They, seemingly, have remained as positive as they could ... while we often complain about the small things like a packed subway car or internet service being down.

I hope for the safe rescue of all the miners.

Monday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 03:30:00 +0000

... for quiet Mondays with my dingo dog, sleepy in the sun.

I'm not too wordy today.

Happy Thanksgiving, my fellow Canadians.

Sunday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 03:56:00 +0000

... for reminders, memories, and keepsakes of those who are no longer with us.

This is one of my favorite cardigans. It's not in style by any means. It's not necessarily ill-fitting but it doesn't exactly fit to my form either. It is very warm, the color is suits me, and it is made to last because it's "vintage". It is also my late grandmother's cardigan.

I miss my grandmother a lot. I think about her and dream about her a lot. She was kind, gentle, and had a sarcastic sense of humor. Her eyes were the color of this cardigan - a soft blue. She'd always let me cry it out when I was a kid when my mom said to stop my fussing. She just seemed like she was always on my side, and it still feels like it even though she is gone. I've been craving her soup lately - we'd call it "cloud soup" since it had these fluffy dumplings in it that looked like clouds to a child's eye. I regret not learning that recipe. On the bright side, she did give me some of her recipes - her perogies (which I have never made, not yet), her bread, her cinnamon buns, her depression-era apple cake. She was just an all around good lady. I miss her greatly and I am so very grateful that I have so many good memories and reminders of her. I wear this cardigan with love in my heart for her.

Saturday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:13:00 +0000

... for weekend walks with Toshio.

Friday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 02:39:00 +0000

... that it is Friday and I can forget about work, kick up my poor feet, and de-stress. It was a long day. I'm glad to have some peace and quiet. Sigh ...

Thursday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 03:01:00 +0000

be grateful for those you care about.

life is short.

you never know what's around the corner

or who might be taken from us a little too early.

Wednesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 02:59:00 +0000

... for leftover vegetarian chili.

This is an old shot but my veggie chili usually looks the same. Nom om om!

Tuesday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 03:18:00 +0000

... for being able to go home for Christmas.

I found out today that I am able to go home for the holidays, under a few conditions. Of course, it won't really be "time off" from work as I still have to work but I will be at home. I look forward forward to smelling crisp winter air, endless sleepy skies, and old faces that I long to see. I am very appreciative that my bosses were so willing to work with me on this subject. I wish I could thank them in person (they are based in the US).

I am also very excited to meet the twins my friend is about to have. I have known her since we were both three years old and it means so much to meet her new little ones. I wish her luck - soon she will have a total of five girls (two are teenagers) and one bewildered husband in her house!

Monday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:14:00 +0000

... for a boy I used to know once upon a time, on his birthday.

Every now and then, we unexpectedly cross paths with brilliant minds and old souls that can change our lives. Wes was one of those spirits.

As I age, I find it difficult to believe in destiny and soul mates and fate. I still believe in connection, in learning. When I saw Wes's face in that crowd of people, our eyes met with wonder and curiosity of each other. I said to myself, there you are - don't turn away. He didn't. His smile was bright as the moon above us and I reached out as the crowd pulled and pushed us. I took his strange hand and we found a quiet place. It may sound average to you but there was something very magical about this moment - it felt so powerful as though we knew each other, that we meant to be at this very exact moment at this very exact time in this very exact place. It was a beautiful moment that I will always cherish. There were so many strange coincidences with Wes and me.

He, of course, was a traveler from out of town who happened to be in that crowd of people. Long story short - we became friends, we madly wrote each other letters (above is one of his), we fell in love despite our differences, and then our learning was over (not counting the very long lesson of heartache).

I learned so much from Wes about myself and about love (though it will always be a work in progress!). Though I no longer love him in that way, he will be someone who I will always feel love for and will be in my heart forever. I hope wherever he is that he is loved and that life is good. Happy birthday, Wes.

Sunday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 03:06:00 +0000

... for a healthy dog.

For those of you who have been following my blog for a while, you will know of my wonderful dog Toshio. I am so very grateful for him! I thought I would give you a bit of an update about him.

Back in August, Toshio was running with a stick. Unfortunately, the stick got stuck into the ground while he was running and it stabbed him in the throat. We did not know about it - I wasn't even out on that walk - until a few days later. He was acting a little pouty and dramatic, which he sometimes does for no reason. Then, we noticed his neck was swollen. Long story short, emergency surgery had to be performed at the emergency vet hospital to explore the 1-2" deep wound and drain the abscess. Stressful for all of us, especially Toshio who had to stay at the hospital for a handful of days. After he was healed and lampshade was off, he got a foot infection that has been on and off. We don't know what it is though our vet has ruled out allergies. Needless to say, it has been a little stressful regarding Toshio and his summer wasn't very fun.

Today, I felt like a bad dog mom. I'm getting sick and was tired. Toshio needs a good run to wear off all that energy but we have to be careful with his feet. He saw a dog (who's owner, by the way, is super annoying and a disrespectful old fart), bolted, and didn't listen to me. I put him on leash, he pulled, and I feel like I ruined his fun. I felt like a bad dog mom. A ruiner of dog fun. I'm whiny when I feel sick.

Luckily, dogs have such a forgiving heart. He still loves me. He still thinks I'm a good dog mom. I'm grateful for that.

Saturday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 03:20:00 +0000

... for this book and learning about loneliness.

I find that it is so easy to admit certain feelings and so easy for those particular feelings to be understood by others. I can tell others when I feel anxious or sad, relaxed or happy very comfortably. The feeling of loneliness is a tough one to admit. When I have admitted it in the past, I have received blank stares or silence followed by a feeling of inner shame. People shouldn't feel this way, I've said to myself. This is an immature feeling meant for children, I've thought.

I came to a conclusion quite some time ago - I've always felt lonely, to some degree or another. I carry loneliness with me, wherever I go. I have felt loneliness in a crowd of people. I have felt loneliness so far from home. It's just something that is within me and know I need to learn about, discover the tools to cope when the loneliness feels too dark.

I'm only 100 pages into this book and so much of it makes sense in my life. I am grateful for that. I know I am not alone in my loneliness. I know I need to make some changes. I think everyone should read this. If you suffer from loneliness, it will make complete sense. If you don't, you will get a deeper grasp on the subject.

Loneliness is written by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick. If you scroll down the page and look to the right, you will see an Amazon.com link under "Currently Enjoying".

Friday, I am grateful...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 02:24:00 +0000

... for the end to the rain and some much needed sun.

Hi. I'm back. I hope I still have a reader or two! I decided to start this blog again. I've tinkered around with settings and backgrounds. I've come to the conclusion that I, indeed, am not "web savvy"! With that being said, I could have tried things out over and over until another month passed us. That is how I procrastinate. So, for now, take it or leave it (I could have made such a terrible pun there!).

I am in need of a reminder to be grateful. I need a push in the right direction. I don't need to go into detail but parts of my life need some order, some direction, some answers. There have been too many bad days instead of good. I want to fix that. I need to fix that. Be prepared - this may be a journey!

Have a good weekend, my reader(s).

Coming Soon!

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 15:56:00 +0000

Hello everybody!

I'm trying my best to "re-vamp" my blog. New posts, new photos, and new things to be grateful for are coming soon.

I've used Blogger's new templates. What do you think of it? If it's nauseating to look at for too long, let me know!

Much love,

Linda