Great Jewish Comedians

Jerry Seinfeld’s Classic Routine on Supermarkets

2014-01-31T23:40:00.000-08:00

Larry David: The 5 Second Rule

2014-01-31T23:30:00.000-08:00

George Burns and Goldie Hawn

2014-01-31T23:00:00.000-08:00

"I Get No Respect": 10 Great One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

2014-01-31T22:30:00.000-08:00

1. I get no respect. A travel agent told me I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

2. I get no respect. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

3. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

4. I get no respect. Every day the elevator attendant asks me the same thing ... Basement?

5. I get no respect. I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

6. I get no respect. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

7. I get no respect. For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

8. When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents divorced there was a custody fight over me. No one showed up.

9. As a kid I got no respect. Kidnappers sent my parents a note saying, "We want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again."

10 I get no respect. Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Jackie Mason: Jews and Gentiles

2014-01-31T21:30:00.000-08:00

10 One-Liners by Rita Rudner On Men and Dating

2014-01-31T21:00:00.000-08:00

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

3. To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

4. The time spent grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

5. Some people think large breasts makes a woman stupid. Just the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

6. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

7. Men who leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

8. Men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

9. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

10. Men with a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain & bought jewelry.

Why Harpo Marx Stopped Speaking

2014-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

13 Great One-Liners From Groucho Marx

2014-01-31T19:30:00.000-08:00

1. I refuse to belong to a club that would have me for a member.

2. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

3. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

4. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

5. Humor is reason gone mad.

6. These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

7. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

8. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

9. Before I speak, I have something important to say.

10. I drink to make other people more interesting.

11. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

12. There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he’s a crook.

13. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Sarah Silverman Explains The Kabbalah

2014-01-31T19:00:00.000-08:00

Take My Wife... Please! 15 Henny Youngman Jokes About His Wife

2014-01-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

1. Take my wife... Please!

2. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

3. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

4. The secret of our long marriage? We take time to go to dinner two times a week. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

5. I've been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

6. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does.

7. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

8. My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

9. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

10. My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

11. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

12. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

13. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

14. You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

15. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

10 Comments on Children From Fran Lebowitz

2014-01-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

1. Don’t ask your child what he feels like doing. I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

2. All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

3. A mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

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4. Children, stand your ground. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

5. Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

6. Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.

7. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

8. If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract--teach him to deduct.

9. Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

10. I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children when they reach adulthood?

Jerry Seinfeld: Introduces the Famous “Soup Nazi”

2014-01-31T17:30:00.000-08:00

16 Rodney Dangerfield Jokes About His Wife

2014-01-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

2. Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

3. I told my wife I was seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers & a bartender.

4. I asked him, “Who said you could fool around with my wife?” He said, “Everybody.”

5. I asked my wife, "Is there somebody else?" She said, "There MUST be."

6. I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No. One drag is enough."

7. I made a toast to my wife on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

8. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

9. I told my son about the birds & the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife.

10. I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

11. My psychiatrist said my wife & I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

12. My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

13. During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

14. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

15. My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

16. My wife's very jealous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Larry David Stand Up: “Earth to America”

2014-01-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

Fran Lebowitz On Homosexuality

2014-01-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

6 Jackie Mason One-Liners

2014-01-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

1. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

2. Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

3. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

4. The British are so polite. If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

5. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

6. If a crook picks on you, what're you gonna do? Call a cop! If a cop picks on you, what're you gonna do? Call a crook?

7 Funny Lines By Albert Einstein

2014-01-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

1. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, Of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

2. Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

3. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

4. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

5. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

6. Men marry women hoping they'll never change. Women marry men hoping they will. Invariably they're both disappointed.

7. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Groucho Marx 12 Popular One-Liners

2014-01-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

1. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

2. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

3. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

4. I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

5. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

6. I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

7. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

8. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

9. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

10. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

11. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

12. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Andy Kaufman’s “Sick” Appearance On Letterman 1980

2014-01-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

Henny Youngman Stand Up Classic: “Take My Wife”

2014-01-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

Classic Rodney Dangerfield Stand Up Routine

2014-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

"I Get No Respect": 8 More Great One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

2014-01-31T09:30:00.000-08:00

1. I get no respect. My car broke down the other day. I called Triple A. They came and towed me away.

2. I get no respect. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it.

3. I get no respect. I told my psychiatrist, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

4. I get no respect from my dog. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

5. I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

6. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

7. I get no respect at all. When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide."

8. I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect. The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house.

Early Joan Rivers On the “Ed Sullivan Show” 1967

2014-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

A Tribute to Harpo Marx

2014-01-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

10 Pretty...Pretty...Pretty...Pretty...Pretty Good Quotes From Larry David

2014-01-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

1. I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

2. A date is an experience with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

3. Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

4. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

5. I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

6. I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

7. I always think of nice things but I never act on them.

8. I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

9. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

10. Pretty...pretty...pretty......pretty.....pretty good.