Great Sex After Cancer

Free Webinar May 9 - Reigniting Intimacy After Major Illness

2012-05-08T12:42:06-07:00

Experiencing major illness does not need to mean the end of sex or intimacy. I invite you to join me on Wednesday, May 9, for my presentation, Reigniting Intimacy After Major Illness.

In this program, hosted by the Relationship Coaching Institute, I will share:

My Cancer Journey and Mission

When Major Illness Disrupts Intimacy

Three Strategies for Reigniting Intimacy and Sexuality:

1.“Making Love” versus “Having Sex”

2. The S-T-I-C-K Method for Whole-Body Sex

3. Rabbi Ed's "Open Communication" strategy

An invitation to Greater Intimacy & Sexuality

Please pass the word about this important program to your interested friends and family members.

Date: Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Time: 5:00 pm Pacific/ 8:00 pm Eastern

There's no need to pre-register - just click here to attend this free webinar presentation via computer or telephone. You can ask questions during the presentation and access a replay afterward.

To get maximum benefit from this program please complete a quick pre-webinar survey. On this survey you can also register to win a complimentary copy of my home study course, 10 Strategies for Reigniting Intimacy After a Major Illness, a $49.99 value.

I look forward to having you on the webinar!

How Can I Help You?

2012-02-23T09:38:04-08:00

If your love life has been disrupted by cancer or another serious illness or its treatment side-effects, please take this quick 5 question survey to let me know how I can be of help to you:

This survey takes just a couple of minutes and it will give you an opportunity to briefly reflect on your primary relationships, while helping me determine how I can be of service to you and others.

To be entered in a drawing to win a free copy of my intimacy home study course, Ten Strategies for Reigniting Sexuality and Intimacy After a Major Illness, just enter your email address on the last line of the survey.

Thank you!

ED and Orgasms

2012-02-10T04:12:00-08:00

A woman named Valerie shared this somewhat off-colored joke on a prostate cancer blog:

Question: "What goes in dry, comes out wet, and brings warm satisfaction? Answer: A tea bag."

In writing this suggestive joke I doubt whether Valerie was aware, or recalled that all men who go through prostate cancer surgery as I did, whether robotically or open, can only have dry orgasms, and that's true of many if not most radiation patients.

Why do we only have dry orgasms? Because the prostate and seminal vesicles, which produce most of a man's seminal fluid, are removed during prostate cancer surgery. A man's testicles produce sperm and some fluid but require the help of the other reproductive organs, especially the prostate, which serves as a pump driving seminal fluid for the ejaculation of sperm.

Apart from erectile dysfunction that emerges for up to 70 percent of men after prostate cancer surgery, it's the absence of a wet orgasm that some men profiled in my book told me led to their permanent state of grieving. What they and their spouse or partner miss, apart from a spontaneous erection, is the vibrant explosive act which accompanies intercourse.

I'd like to remind you, however, that all is not lost. A reported 2/3 of individuals who experience some degree of ED will sustain erections sufficient for penetration after taking prescribed pills like Viagra, LaVitra, or Cialis.Over 90 per cent of post-surgical prostate cancer patients find they can have erections by using a vacuum erect device (VED), and other means for overcoming ED are available for most men.

Sure it's not the same, but here's more encouraging news: If you have a willing partner, you can experience an orgasm even without an erection. More importantly you will gain gratification accompanied by emotional satisfaction and mutual bonding, if you're willing to expand your definition of "sex" (unlike a certain past president who claimed "I did not have sex with that woman"). And if you don't have a partner or choose to go "solo", it's still possible to have an orgasm.

For me, like a number of men after prostate cancer surgery, the real problem is that my libido or sexual desire fell to an all-time low, due to hormone treatment just before surgery. As my surgeon and this site's medical consultant, Dr. Carey, agrees, that was the worst error in judgment on the part of my previous urologist. My low libido, due to a low testosterone count, persists even now, several years after my surgery in April, 2007.

If you're in the same boat you may well ask, how can a man's libido be restored? In some cases, watching a sexy movie with your spouse can work wonders. Focusing on other body parts - yours or your significant other's, can make a difference - big time! Asking your partner to take the initiative through various methods of touching your genitals and other erogenous zones, can do the trick too.

What's important is that you remember you're the same man you were before your prostate was removed or radiated, even though you may feel you can no longer function sexually as completely as you once did.

You and your spouse or partner would do well to use your imagination and focus more on your romance and other past and current day to day pleasures, as well as your mutual commitment. If you focus on more than just certain body parts, the rest will come!

So maybe Valerie was right. What goes in dry and comes out wet and is warm all over is a tea bag...and by implication, a whole lot more!

Please comment on this article and let me know whether you feel it is too explicit or not explicit enough. We'll be glad to answer your questions or respond to your own experiences as to what works or doesn't work for you. -- Rabbi Ed

Teleseminar Series Features 20+ Relationship Experts

2012-02-06T13:58:12-08:00

I'm honored to be one of about 20 relationship and sexuality coaches you can hear by phone or online from February 6-23. The teleseminar series is called Blissful Living and Loving: A Virtual Conference on Love, Sex and Relationships.

My session takes place on Tuesday, February 21, at Noon Eastern time, when I will present "5 Ways to Reignite Sex and Intimacy after Cancer and Other Illnesses."

I invite you to click here to sign up to attend my session and some or all of the other presentations led by relationship experts on a variety of themes of interest to cancer survivors and the general population. Each presenter has a lot to offer. Apart from my subject, other topics include "Setting Your Life for Love," "Practicing Deliberate Sexuality," "Beyond Orgasms," and "Building Healthy Relationships." I hope you can join us.

As it happens, I've been invited to offer a similar presentation, "Reigniting Intimacy and Sexuality after Cancer," at the Evidence-based Complementary and Alternative Cancer Therapies Conference in West Palm Beach, Florida, on March 2. If you'd like to register for that event and hear me and others address some timely topics, please contact me by email using the link beneath my photo in the column on the right.

Great Sex and Intimacy after Cancer? How to Get Rid of Your Anger First!

2012-01-24T11:18:13-08:00

If you want great sex and intimacy after cancer, you'd better first set aside any anger that may be gnawing at you. Clearly if you want to “get it on” with your partner after an illness like cancer – and also when no disease is present, you're best off slipping into an upbeat mood to reinforce the romance. As many relationship coaches would advise, don't lose sight of that EVER, let alone as Valentine's Day approaches just three weeks from now!

Anger and disappointment are inevitable in any relationship. But our capacity to “turn it around” by transforming anger into humor is highly desirable…if desire is to have the upper hand! This point of view is underscored by guest columnist, humorist Lee Anne Jashaway (THINK: “josh- away”!?!), who artfully describes how to convert anger into laughter.

--Rabbi Ed

Fun Tip of the Month: Converting Anger to Laughter

The name of my newsletter has always been Don’t Get Mad, Get Funny. This is also the title of my first book on using humor to lighten up about stress and the topic title of my most popular keynote presentation. I’m not trying to say that anger isn’t a valid and valuable emotion—it’s just that too many of us go there far too often and for tiny little stressors that don’t deserve our anger energy.

I once saw a billboard alongside I-5 that read, “Anger is one letter away from danger.” I believe when we overuse anger, we do endanger ourselves and others. A mind (and body) in a constant state of fight or flight wears out more quickly than a mind (and body) that find ways to lighten up and let go.

The good news is that we humans naturally turn our anger (and frustration, annoyance, irritation and other lesser forms of being disturbed by circumstances around us) into laughter. Eventually. Some of the funniest stories we tell on ourselves were things that got our goat (or llama or alpaca, whichever you choose) when they happened, but by virtue of the passage of time, we’re able to gain a better perspective and see the humorous side of things. The problem is that eventually is too long to wait.

If you’ve recently been to the DMV or tried calling your cable company, you know what I mean. You don’t want to burn out by the time your natural sense of humor replaces your angry feelings.

The question is, how can you speed up the process? Here are my five best tips:

1. Distract yourself! In one study, two fake traffic jams were created (because there aren’t enough real ones out there J). In one, drivers were left to fuss and fume on their own. In the other, the researchers created three distractions—warm & fuzzy (a puppy being walked alongside the vehicles), sexy (a good looking man and woman walking by), and funny (someone doing stupid human tricks nearby).

Researchers studied both groups and counted how often they showed outward displays of anger (honking, yelling, stomping around outside their cars, shooting the finger, etc). In the group with the distractions, angry responses were significantly reduced and the type of distraction that worked best was humor. That’s right, humor beat puppies!

Have plenty of silly, stupid, funny distractions in the places where you know your anger response gets turned on the most—your car, your office, at home next to the phone for those times you need to call to complain about things that don’t work.

2. Count on basic math. If you decide to spend 30 more minutes a day laughing (by inviting funny friends to lunch, watching a funny TV show, reading a funny book, etc.), basic math dictates that there are now 30 fewer minutes available for you to be angry (unless, of course, you set your alarm for 2 a.m. so you can have more time to fume. If that’s the case, you may need more help than this newsletter can provide).

3. Google it. The next time you feel your head is about to blow up with rage over some issue you know intellectually is not worthy of your anger energy, look online for funny stories and videos that relate to this same issue. I recently broke my nose by walking into a plate glass door (yes, I’m that cliché!) and when the bleeding finally subsided, I found four really funny videos of other people doing the same thing. The value of this exercise is that is allows you to find the humor in your specific situation faster by removing you from the equation. We always find it easier to laugh at others mistakes and problems than our own.

4. Be angry funny. No, this isn’t like Tyra Banks’ concept of Ugly Pretty on America’s Next Top Model. Rather than expressing anger in your usual way, find more laughable options. Instead of shooting the finger, make up a silly hand or arm gesture (Chicken Dance, anyone?) Curse in pirate or a foreign language. By circumventing your usual responses, your brain will start to acknowledge the silliness of your negative emotions quicker.

5. Write three jokes about it. As a comedy writer, if I didn’t get frustrated, annoyed, confused, and embarrassed all the time, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. When people are trying to be funny on purpose, they almost always rely on negative emotions as the source of their comedy (think of your favorite comedy TV show or movie and ask yourself what it’s really about). The next time you’re unnecessarily upset about something, take five minutes to write three jokes. They don’t even have to be good—it’s the process that’s important:

(1) I hit that plate glass door so hard, local seismologists reported an earthquake.(2) I didn’t mind the embarrassment and the bleeding, but the pointing and laughing bothered me. Of course, it was me who was pointing and laughing, so I could have stopped it if I wanted to. (3) For a week afterward, I had two black eyes. Everyone thought I had “work done.” Now they tell me how much younger I look.

Try these simple tips and see if you don’t let go of some of the unnecessary anger in your daily life.

------------

Cancer Treatment Side Effects and the Loss of Manhood

2012-01-18T04:00:00-08:00

After cancer treatment, sex and intimacy is a tall order for many men and women. This is so particularly after surgery or radiation for the treatment of prostate cancer, when a large proportion of men may withdraw from their spouses or partners.

After such treatments men often feel embarrassed or compromised by treatment side effects like ED and a reduced libido. They are frustrated in part by their inability to get sexual satisfaction.

They also feel they can no longer do right by their wives or partners in terms of offering sexual fulfillment. Fearing you might disappoint your significant other can lead to self-loathing and depression.

Some men feel that they have been feminized by hormone treatments. Hormones like Lupron suppress testosterone to avoid feeding a malignant prostate. This intensifies the loss of libido since this and similar drugs biochemically reduce a man to castrate level. I myself found myself withdrawing this way for as long as nine months after I received a hormone injection in January 2007.

In many instances hormone treatment can lead to men discovering their breasts have grown, a condition known as gynecomastia, inelegantly referred to as "man-boobs". This happened to one man I interviewed, who literally shuddered as he described his dismay.

Under such circumstances many men lose their sense of manhood, feeling they can't do right by the women in their lives. Rather than talk it out, they proceed to act in a self-defeating but understandable manner. How? They end up avoiding emotional and sexual intimacy altogether.

One simple solution among many approaches I counsel is for men and women to talk out how they need to give each other more space to be on their own. This can be quite helpful until both are able to absorb medically induced body transformations that affect their relationships.

They can communicate about such sensitive issues even when their ardor has cooled due to treatment trauma. But this is possible only if they explicitly recognize and verbally concur that underneath it all they still love each other.

Talking things out can eventually help couples set aside more intimate moments together. This is one of many approaches a couple can jointly embark upon after quality of life issues arise.

Communicating what’s uncomfortable sure beats the likelihood that one or both spouses might withdraw unilaterally for months on end or longer. Failing to communicate this way will only create greater anxiety while undermining precious relationships.

Coping with E.D.

2012-01-11T04:00:00-08:00

There are many causes of ED or male impotence: certain cancer treatments, medical conditions like diabetes that stop the flow of blood to the penile area; libido-lowering medications such as the hormone Lupron; alcohol; and depression. In fact, certain medical procedures like prostate cancer surgery (a radical prostatectomy) to remove a cancerous prostate, leave 50% to 75% of men physically impotent.

Unfortunately, impotence can contribute to a man's loss of self-esteem and lead to further withdrawal from previously close relationships with his wife or partner.

When educated about medical means like Viagra, Caverject penile injections, or vacuum erection pumps (VED's) that can offset erectile dysfunction, three quarters of these men will be able to have erections again and re-engage in sexual relations.

It's also important for me men to learn what women often know already: that manhood is defined by who you are and how you act, not how your body functions.

Men may have to retrain themselves, on their own or with professional guidance, to recognize that the crux of a husband-wife or partnership relationship is not "having sex" but rather, "making love" in every mutually acceptable way imaginable. This will help them retain the self-esteem and sexual intimacy they crave.

Low Libido in Women

2012-01-04T04:00:00-08:00

A woman can experience a lessening of her sex drive at many different points in her life, not necessarily connected to menopause.

Click the audio player below to listen as Dr. Veronica Anderson, host of the online radio show Wellness for the Real World, interviews several experts about why women experience low libido, and most importantly, what they can do about it. Guests on the show include:

Kim Whittemore, a Director at San Diego's The Institute Of Sexual Medicine

Heidi Houston, Executive Producer of the new movie Hot Flash Havoc, a film of menopausal proportions

Menopause & sexual dysfunction specialist Dr. Alan Altman, an expert for the film, and author Making Love The Way We Used To...Or Better

Maureen McGrathm, "Canada's Sexpert" and creator of YourSexualHealth.ca

Click on the audio player below to listen to this informative show. (If you can't see the audio player on your screen, please click here to listen.)

Listen to internet radio with DrVeronica on Blog Talk Radio

I have appeared as a guest on the Wellness for the Real World show several times. Click below to listen to my interviews on intimacy:

Low Libido In Men, August, 2011.

Sex and the Senior Citizen , March, 2011. (I'm the final panelist on this 90-minute show.)

Sex and the Bible , March, 2011.

Communication is Key to Satisfying Sex After Cancer

2011-12-28T04:00:00-08:00

All too often erectile dysfunction following cancer treatment causes men to feel they’ve lost their manhood. And a woman can feel like "less of a woman" following treatment for breast cancer and other cancers.

The net result is that cancer survivors may withdraw from any intimacy with their spouses or partners, adversely affecting both people.

It took my wife and me considerable time to learn how to be open with each other again after my prostate cancer treatment and subsequent side effects. By now both of us have readily managed to communicate our frustrations and desires. As a result, we have immersed ourselves in rebuilding the intimacy that characterized us for most of nearly 38 years of marriage.

What Men and Women Can Do

To avoid disappointment with sex after cancer treatment, spell out your needs to your partner rather than asking them to second-guess what’s important to you. Be clear but gentle, and maintain the give-and-take relationship that can endear you to each other—the way my wife and I have . . . most of the time!

Above all, men and women should avoid self-recrimination or mutual blame. We should not put ourselves down for our inability to function as the “studs” or “babes” we once were. Acknowledging this will help cancer survivors and their wives alike. Together we can attain the physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy we desire and deserve for satisfying sex after cancer.

Sexual Dysfunction and Depression

2011-12-05T03:43:00-08:00

Many survivors of cancer and other major illnesses discover that either the disease or its treatment can cause depression due to sexual dysfunction. This medical side effect disrupts many couples' intimacy.

Depression occurs all too often among cancer survivors. Many find that various treatments such as penile or vaginal rehabilitation, through creams, pills, potions and devices are helpful, at least intermittently. Others find these treatments consistently unhelpful.

Depression due to loss of sexual function is quite understandable, but it need not be a permanent fixture in your life.

There are several ways to avoid "feeling down" when confronted by ED (or for women, FSD), a low libido or other sexual dysfunction. Let's explore a few approaches that can help.

To start with, there is an array of medically prescribed pills, potions and devices. For example, Viagra, Cialis or lavitra; vacuum erection devices (VED's); alprostodil (prostaglandin E1) injections, MUSE tablets, or other approaches, in varying proportions, potentially make erections possible by increasing bloodflow to the penis.

If other less invasive medical or psychological approahes fail to work, men who suffer from ED want to look into a prosthesis, aka, a penile implant. That is a good option to consider for those who can't seem to regain a sense of manhood that might be at the root of their depression.

But what if medical remedies don't work? And what should you do if you've lost your once avid interest in sexual interaction?

At that point a helpful way out of depression is to rethink what sexuality and intimacy are all about.

For instance you need to acknowledge that like the rest of us, you have NOT lost the capacity to be gratified by engaging in any number of non-genital approaches, even when intercourse may be hard to come by - pardon the pun!

I refer to the kind of gratification we can get through our physical-emotional-spiritual responsiveness. This often occurs when we get in touch - literally and figuratively, with someone we cherish. Yes, you may well be severely depressed because you have lost your former sexual abilities. But you're still a sensual human being who can derive pleasure at every level by touching the warm, clothed or naked body of someone you care for. And if they reciprocate, so much the better!

Sure, sex may never be the same as it was before your illness. But there's a lot more to intimacy than penile or vaginal activity. Of course you first have to realize this to the depth of your being, not simply because someone like me says so.

It's important for professionals to help offset the chagrin of men and women confronted by adverse side effects of prostate cancer and other illnesses. That's why I've chosen to become a healthcare educator and intimacy coach during the past four years, ever since I retired from the active rabbinate.

I've also guided folks by conducting informative, upbeat teleseminars and webinars. It's not enough to say, "Get over it - others have done so before you!" You need sustained guidance from knowlegable facilitators who have "been there and done that" before you, and can help you through.

My heart goes out to those who are depressed because they have lost sexual functions. But I implore those of you who find yourselves burdened in such a way, not to resign from life.

Your passion about your plight can yet be transmuted to a passion for living and loving in almost every way possible. Trust me, once you revise your outlook, you'll see life differently.

So many men and women and their spouses and partners have learned to regain sexually fulfilling lives with the guidance of sex therapists or intimacy coaches.I urge you follow suit.

If you are in the doldrums, and are severely depressed, seek the help you need to regain the passion you have lost. Thousands have managed to do so after trying to "regroup". You should do no less.

Take the first step now. To learn how to reignite the passion in your intimate relationship, read my ebook, Reigniting Intimacy and Sexuality after You’re Ill.