Greatness with Garrigan Gumption

Top 5 Tragedies That Would Have Ended Differently Had Mark Wahlberg Been There

2012-01-22T22:40:00.008-05:00

There are a lot of unfortunate tragedies in this world, but one thing's for certain:

They'd all end a liiiiittle differently if Mark Wahlber g were there.

As you've probably heard by now, our dear friend Marky-Mark -sans Funky Bunch- made some rather grandiose statements in a recent interview with Men's Health where he waxed heroic about how things might have ended up if he were on one of the flights that hit the Twin Towers, as he was scheduled to do so:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.”’

Which gives me tingles because it makes me feel like I am in a movie in Marky-Mark's mind. Much like Contraband, the rest of America didn't care to buy a ticket to this film either, and well, understandably people freaked the fuck out.

After digging a little further, I found that Mark has a storied history of weighing in on tragedies. Here I have collected the top five most worrisome Wahlbergisms.

TRAGEDY #1: THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC

WAHLBERG ON THE TITANIC: “If I was on that boat with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot me kicking the iceberg from the poop deck and then me saying, ‘OK, fighting icebergs is right in my wheelhouse, don’t worry.”’

TRAGEDY #2: THE KARDASHIAN WEDDING

WAHLBERG ON THE KARDASHIAN WEDDING: “If I was at the wedding with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. Let's just say that white wedding wouldn't have been so white and then me, I'd say to the guests, ‘OK, we're going to make sure you're reimbursed for everything on the registry, don’t worry.”’

TRAGEDY #4: THE MORTGAGE CRISIS

WAHLBERG ON THE MORTGAGE CRISIS: “If I was in the mortgage business with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of me thoroughly evaluating the creditworthiness of each loan applicant, you know, as a person, not just a number and making sure that the interest rates were fair and then me, I'd say, ‘OK, we’re going to get you a good house that you can afford, don’t worry.”’

TRAGEDY #4: THE PERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

WAHLBERG ON THE PERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN: “If I was on that campaign with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of awesome photo ops with him kissing babies and maybe we'd like ride horses into town and cool stuff like that and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to just shoot fake bullets in the air like old timey cowboys PYOO! PYOO!, don’t worry,” We'd probably also get some boots made with our names on them.’

TRAGEDY #5: CLOWNS

WAHLBERG ON THE EXISTENCE OF CLOWNS: “If I was at the circus with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood making those noses red and then me saying, ‘OK, I'm gonna get you kids some cotton candy, delicious cotton candy, don’t worry.”’

He has since apologized for all of these comments, but I don't care.

Skulduggery in Dublin - An Irish Adventure: Part II

2012-01-17T20:20:00.008-05:00

As I mentioned last week, from January 12th - 17th I went back to ye olde homeland, Ireland.

When prepping for the trip, I was so excited for the many things that I might encounter: culture, a freshly poured pint of Guinness (or 23), warm welcoming locals and gorgeous landscapes. However, what I discovered was something even more surprising.

I discovered I'm quite good at scowling in photos. Why, this is me scowling at The Burren. Below, is me scowling at the Kilmainham Gaol -which is understandable, it's a totally scowlable place.

The moment I realized I was really good at scowling though, was here at the Cliffs of Moher.

Just look at me scowling here. Who scowls at the Cliffs of Moher? It's beautiful. You smile at the Cliffs of Moher, it's a very smiley place. That's what you do, you smile. You don't scowl. Unless you've got talent, that is.

Well, what with me scowling all over the country, it wasn't long until I got roped into a dark world of intrigue, the smarmy underbelly of a Dublin rarely seen by your traditional tourist. A sinister web of sinners & singers. The world of Salli Melfi: Theatrical Agent. Take a look.

I cannot wait for that movie to come out on VHS.

As for me, well, luckily, I've escaped this seedy, clandestine country of conceit and chorus calls. But the memories, oh the memories, I shall never forget them...

Just like I'll never forget the appeal of Milli Vanilli.

C'ead Mile Failte is More Than Enough Welcomes - An Irish Adventure: Part I

2012-01-10T01:21:00.009-05:00

"C'ead Mile Failte..."

Which in Gaelic roughly translates to, "Kennedy was really a pretty average president and if it wasn't for Dallas, he'd probably just be remembered for The Bay of Pigs."

Oh, calm down, he's dead.

Much like Kennedy, Ireland's 2nd Favourite Son, purveyor of Greatness, yours truly is making his way to the Motherland, The Old Sod, The Emerald Isle, That Country Next to the One That Has London on It, Dear 'Ol Ireland.

What does a Garrigan trip to Ireland look like? Well, let's take a peek at the O'tinerary, shall we?

While people may make jokes, I am truly proud of my Irish heritage and have been looking forward to this trip for some time. As such, I've gone to great lengths to study up and prepare so that I might get the most of the experience. With that in mind, please find the following itinerary:

Thursday, January 12, 2012

5:00pm – Limo pick up at [REDACTED] 36^th Avenue; use Krystal to make it rain on the bitches.

6:40pm – Check-in in at Delta International Departures; claim to be Sam Rockwell and demand 1st Class upgrade with and little person attendant dressed as a leprechaun

9:40pm – Flight departs for Dublin, Ireland

OVERNIGHT FLIGHT - **LITTLE PERSON ON MANDATORY BANSHEE WATCH**

Friday, January 13, 2012

9:30am – Arrival in Dublin; immediately adopt improbable brogue and do bell-kicks all through airport

9:50am - Pick up teeth and dignity - both of which were ruthlessly beaten to the floor by local hooligans

10:30am – Bags are collected, snack is picked up and catch a cab to Temple Bar Hotel

11:30am - Argument ensues when I demand hypoallergenic toilet paper. Check-in clerk informs me that there's no such thing. I inform the check-in clerk that my asshole doesn't know that.

12:00pm – Lunch in Temple Bar area; exact location TBD

14:30 – Tour Book of Kells - try to hide disappointment that the Book of Kells is not Tiger Beat clippings of Kelly Kapowsky

16:30 – Shopping on Grafton Street -cause whatever, it's not like Kelly Kapowski will be there

~19:00 – Dinner at Porterhouse; drown my sorrows and refer to fellow patrons as "my loyal subjects".

Saturday, January 14, 2012

4:30 – Rise & Shine!

5:30 – Leave hotel for Dublin Heuston Station via cab

7:00 – Depart for Limerick, Cliffs of Moher, Bunratty Castle & Galway

10:00 - Arrive in Limerick. Drop acid, enjoy watching this take place before my very eyes:

21:00 – Arrive back in Dublin / rehydrate / marvel at my recently discovered fiddle skills

22:00 – Nightcap / Bedtime

Sunday, January 15, 2012

9:00 – Rise & Shine

10:00 – Irish Breakfast - ask hostess if I have to eat all the Irish to be a member of The Clean Plate Club

11:00 – Hugh Lane Gallery; eat bacon next to priceless Francis Bacon paintings because I can.

13:00 – Lunch (cab in, if necessary)

14:00 – Go to Dublin Castle; order a Crave Case®

15:00 – Guinness Storehouse Tour; remark that they, "give good head here," to hilarious effect

17:00 – Shit my brains out from all that bacon & the Crave Case®

22:00 – Pedialyte / Bedtime

Monday, January 16, 2012

7:00 – Rise & Shine

8:00 – Breakfast 9:00 - Meet up with Morgan Freeman

9:30 – Somberly tour Kilmainham Gaol while Morgan walks next to me gently narrating my every move. You know, where he tells me about my contributions to ~~Shawshank~~ Kilmainham and how I walked around like a man who didn't have a care in the world. As he does this I'll amble through the yard and kick some stones and stuff. He'll skip narrating the parts that involve man on man action though -which is real nice of him. That's just the kind of guy Morgan Freeman is.

12:00 – Jameson Tour; buy Morgan Freeman a drink. He will be parched from all that narrating 13:00 - Inquire as to what part of the tour we get to arm wrestle that braggart, John Jameson.

15:30 - Head back to Temple Bar Hotel

17:00 – Depart for Dinner

17:30 – Dinner at Wynn Hotel Saints & Scholars Lounge; ask to be seated in either the "Saints" or "Sluts" sections

19:30 – Attend Abbey Theatre production of The Government Inspector

21:30 – Show concludes; attend talkback featuring Phylicia Rashad, even though Phylicia Rashad was not even in the damn production.

22:00 – Apologize to audience on behalf of America for her self-congratulatory banality; scurry home to eat some biscuits. I really like biscuits.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

7:00 – Depart for airport / check out of hotel

8:00 - Check-in at Delta International Departures 11:20 - Flight departs; immediately "pull a Depardieu" shrug and inform everyone of Patrick's Law, "it burns when you try to pinch it off."

2:00pm – Arrive at JFK; Limo pick up -this time with hoes! They're not quite as nice as bitches, but I'll be jet-lagged so who am I to judge?

3:30pm – Upload pictures to show how cool I am to my gajillion Facebook friends / congratulate myself on being so goddamn worldly

So there you have it! And if I have the time, and a little bit of crack, I may even marry Sinead O'Connor for a few hours!

I Got Stated (with Patti Murin)

2012-01-09T21:06:00.003-05:00

I love me.

...and I also love girls with incredible abdominal muscles. You know, real -badaboom- "athletic-like". Recently, I combined these two loves as I joined the writing staff of stated as a Performing Arts Contributor. In this new capacity, you'll find me tempering my love of star-fucking (both real and imagined) with unparalleled, shameless self-promotion. In this first installation I have a chat with Patti Murin star of the sadly now shuddered, Lysistrata Jones. She's a super fantastic lady and I'm sure you'll see her again super soon -in fact, I know you will. If I can just get $4M more from investors for Patrick: The Musical. But enough of that sassafras, CLICK THIS HYPERLINK THAT I HAVE HIGHLIGHTED HERE, YES THIS ONE THAT IS ALL CAPS AND BOLD AND A DIFFERENT COLOR to hear my interview with the delightful, M(r)s. Murin(-Holbrook).

A Reading of My (Tony-worthy) Broadway Proposal

2012-01-01T22:27:00.009-05:00

I am the next Shakespeare.

Except with much better hair.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have arrived. On Friday, just a few ticks away from 2012, I had the big premiere of my first ever Broadway play. As I enter my late early mid thirties, I think it goes without saying that I'm probably the most ~~delusional~~ prolific person I know. With this new achievement, I think it goes without saying that the only natural step is to...

GIVE ME A TONY!!!

Look, I know what you're thinking, how can we possibly give him a Tony (or Tonys, as the case may be) if we haven't even seen or read his work? Well okay then, treat your eyes to literary delight.

Playwright:

Thanks so much for taking a little time to join me to read through this. This is a small project I’ve been working on for a few weeks that I just wanted to hear out loud, so thank you for indulging me. Today we have the lovely (actor names) here offering their talents. This is totally a work in progress, so I welcome your thoughts and feedback afterwards. We’re a little tight on time so without further adieu, 252 Saturdays.

Todd (to the audience):

Interviews. The purgatory of the job seeker. I think the only thing actually worse than interviewing for a job is ultimately working. Maybe not. You see, for the past (4) years, I’ve been on a perpetual interview process. When you graduate from Brown with a degree in Creative Writing, you think to yourself, “I have arrived. The saving grace of the literary world is ready to accept your offers!” I may have arrived, but the HR person is running juuuust a few minutes late, and when he or she does arrive, well, this is what I get…

Publishing Exec (cokehead, douchebag):

Mr. Ann?

Todd:

Yes.

Publishing Exec:

That’s your name? Todd Ann? You have two first names. A boy name and a girl name.

Todd:

Um, yup.

Publishing Exec:

Sucks to be you.

Todd:

Ahhhh, not real –I mean sure, you know, kids can be cruel. Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me today. I’ve wanted to get into publishing for as long as I can remember.

Publishing Exec:

That is great, just great. Do you know how I got to be here today, perched in the corner office of the Flatiron building, youngest VP of St. Martin Press ever? Do you, Todd Ann?

Todd:

I can only imagine it is through hard work and dedication to the business. I’m excited to really put that kind of work in, to learn from others in a collaborative working environment.

Publishing Exec:

I got to this point because my grandfather, Maury, left me with 2% royalties on his book, “Tuesdays with Maury”, now I’m royalty.

Todd:

How funny. I always thought “Tuesdays with Maury” was written by Mitch Albom.

Publishing Exec:

(Stares at him for a beat) Window.

Todd:

What?

Publishing Exec:

Window.

Todd:

I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Publishing Exec:

Window, it’s what I’m going to throw you out if you don’t get out of here in 5 seconds.

(Scene ends, Todd back to audience)

Todd:

And that was a calm one. Following yet another disaster, I’m back the drawing board, spending another Saturday fine tuning my resume. While that was obviously awful, there’s the other extreme, those interviews that are just too, I don’t know, touchy feely.

HR Lady (a total hippie earth child):

(Begins humming Enya’s “Only Time” oblivious to the fact the Todd has entered the room, totally spaced out, then singing): Who can say where the road goes, as your day…

Todd:

Excuse me.

(HR Lady continues humming, doesn’t hear him)

Excuse me!

HR Lady:

Oh my, I’m so sorry, dear. There is just something so intoxicating about Enya and Winter Solstice isn’t there? A sense of rebirth, no?

Todd:

Yeah, I love the winter months.

HR Lady:

But you’re a Virgo aren’t you?

Todd:

That’s very impressive! How did you know that?

HR Lady:

Mr. Wiggles, told me. My cat (gestures to the cat). Don’t worry, he’s stuffed.

Todd:

Well, that is fantastic. I’m actually here about the Editorial Assistant position you posted on Mediabistro.

HR Lady:

Can I call you Toby?

Todd:

Uh, sure.

HR Lady:

Tobias, I see a lot of pain in your eyes. How can I help your energy?

Todd:

Well, a job would be nice. He he he…

HR Lady:

Um, hmmmm. Yessss…

HR Lady:

You know what I think it is? Your chi is out of alignment, come here, into my heart chakra. Let’s free those demons. (Attempts to bring him into her chest)

Todd:

You know, that’s very nice of you, but I’m gonna have to pass.

HR Lady:

Um, hmmmm, too bad. Probably for the best though, we just filled the Editorial position anyway.

Todd:

So what was with all the straightening my chai talk?

HR Lady:

Chi. And I don’t know. I guess I care too much.

Todd:

Well, thank you for sufficiently wasting my time and giving me the creeps. I’ve gotta go.

HR Lady:

Okay, but do leave your number with Margot, I’d love to get together for coffee ‘n colonics one morning.

(He leaves)

What a nice gay man.

(To the audience again)

Todd:

Today I’ve turned a corner. I’ve given up on going in for the interview. Today, a new plan, and here it is: my manuscript. 252 Saturdays since I first moved here and now I’m making moves. Today is the day that writers dream about. I’m making my pitch. It’s time to close the deal.

Publishing Editor:

Todd, I have to tell you, I’ve given the manuscript a quick scan and I really like what I see. It’s funny, it’s fresh –but enough of me going on, this is your proposal. Lay it out for me - what’s 252 Saturdays about?

Todd:

252 Saturdays is about a guy who meets this girl on St. Patrick’s Day, and they hit it off immediately. They start hanging out and quickly become friends. They continue to stay friends for a few years and their relationship starts to grow, and after the girl, Salli’s her name, tells him that she needs to be free and have “Hoe-8,” they ultimately get together. The rest of the book covers their life and how their relationship grows. They move in together & make a home, they go to exotic locales like Madison, Wisconsin, they dominate weddings with their absurd dancing skills, and they support each other unconditionally.

Patrick:

…and then at the very end of the book, the guy Patrick, has her fired from work, tricks her into going to a reading of a really crappy play, and then takes to one knee, pulls out a ring, and says, “Salli Ann Melfi, will you marry me?”

###

SO FANTASTIC, RIIIIIIIGHT? Well, to see the page to stage version, give this a dance...

You know what? Maybe I don't need a Tony right now. On Friday, I got something so much better.

A Selection of Greatness - Billy on the Street

2011-12-27T21:50:00.005-05:00

Now that Christmas is over, I'm back to watching the teeveee. Yes, I watch a lot of teevee. Mostly because I'm lonely. Very, very lonely and there's only so many times you can cut your finger and toenails down to the quick.

In my television time, while sitting on a throne of nail clippings, I find myself playing Joaquin Phoenix's character in Gladiator deciding which programs will live in my DVR queue and which shall be scorned, subject to a life of abject shunnery. Most programs ultimately end up receiving the death sentence after being weighed, measured, and found wanting.

So when a program comes along that provides me with a regular belly laugh (see: Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Tosh.0) well, I just have to share it with the masses. Behold a new find!

Billy on the Street

So if you are able, watch this program on Fuse, and if you see a man with a microphone and a lamp -run.

Deviant Christmas Songs

2011-12-19T01:24:00.007-05:00

Siiiiiiilent niiiiiiight, Hoooooooooolllly -FUCKING SHIT SANTA HAS AN AXE!!! Have you noticed how terrifying and deviant those seemingly harmless Chrismas ditties you've been humming for the past few months are? No? Well, I have and it is pretty dawg-gone awful. I say, I'm telling you that much! Don't believe me? Read on...

Baby, It's Cold Outside

"Say what's in this drink?" Seriously, of all the songs in the Christmas canon, this is by far the rape-yist of them all.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Your mom is a whore, and I would like to meet her.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

This tragic tale is the most obvious display of ruthless bullying I've ever seen in mainstream pop culture. Denying a deer that right to play reindeer games simply due to the color of his nose? Post-racial my ass. If it wasn't for an "It Gets Better" video created by Snowy the white reindeer, Rudolph may have done something drastic & terrible. Then what would happen the next time a foggy Christmas Eve rolled around, huh Santa? You'd be TOTALLY fuck'd, Santa -that's what. It's time you take a little more responsibility for the behavior of your reindeer, fat man.

Dominick, The Italian Christmas Donkey

Not since Jersey Shore has a piece of entertainment made the Italian people look like such asses. See what I did there?

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Now let me get this straight: He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake? Uh uh, not without a warrant, PAL. And don't give me any of that Patriot Act bullshit either. I know my rights, you creepster.

Yeah, not such harmless melodies are they now? No... So the next time you're at a festive holiday party with these ditties wafting through the room, just remember, this guy may be wafting through as well.

A Very #Astoriooous Union

2011-12-18T21:32:00.005-05:00

Warmest wishes and sincere congratulations to GWGG resident health professional & podcast expert, Nurse Julie Wirth & Mike "Giggles" Bradley on their most blessed union.

The ceremony was fantastic -and I spent much of it choking back golden, angelic tears- but the subsequent wedding video Mike produced (below) struck me as being strangely familiar...

...and inviting Topol was a bit much.

In any event, congratulations, you crazy kids. May you procreate quickly so that you can dump that disgusting cat of yours.

The NYC Holiday Hit List

2011-12-05T00:50:00.003-05:00

This sparkly-assed tree is in my apartment! You know what that means!

Artificial trees were on sale at Deals & Discounts! ...and Christmas, also.

The holidays are my favorite time of year in New York City -what with the getting black-out drunk and falling asleep in your clothes and awkward conversation at parties when all you're trying to do is clench your buttcheeks so you don't release a brie-induced cropduster, and oh the presents... all the disappointing, disappointing presents that you'll want to return but you won't because you're lazy and so they'll just collect dust next to your Nintendo Game Cube -which was a stupid fucking purchase in the first place. Yes, that's Christmas to me.

With so much to do, however can you fit it all in? Well tut-tut my dearies, I've taken the liberty of creating a Holiday Hit List to make sure you're able to get the most out of Unique New York's festive landscape.

Relive the Classics

This is a picture from inside the Harvard Club - they do joints like this up real nice during the holidays. To get the most out of the elite holiday experience, here's what you do:

Put on a tattered blazer and muss up your hair
Burst in and find the first old rich dude you can; immediately begin referring to him as "Mr. Potter" - don't use any consonants when you speak
Mutter something about a $1 million dollar insurance policy, mistake at the bank, etc.
When security arrives to escort you out, claim to have discovered ZuZu's petals, break away and run shrieking into the street - for it is, in fact, a Wonderful Life

Why should you do this? Um, because you are the 99% percent and that entitles you to something or other and also the Harvard Club is as nice a place as any to #Occupy for the purposes of a quick dump.

Charity

Hobo's are such a pain in the ass during the holiday season. Their smelliness and scabby feet really put a damper on New York's unbridled consumerism.

To help make the place a little cheerier, this is your moment to receive through giving.

Go out and get yourself a hobo.
Take the emergency set of keys you keep for your friend's apartment off your key ring and on a gum wrapper write your friend's address and apartment number on it
Lean over and whisper in the hobo's ear, "no one should be alone in [insert appropriate transit stop] on Christmas, Hugo," and then give him the address and the keys. Do this even if his name isn't Hugo

What will result, is the Thanksgiving episode of "Alf," I promise.

Embrace the Magic of Rockefeller Center

The Rock Center Christmas Tree, The Radio City Christmas Spectacular -this place is pure NYC Christmas. This year however, they have a new offering. The Brian Williams Holiday Tour! Yes, swing by Rock Center between 4:30am - 6:45am (the only hours when Brian isn't prepping for the evening news, working on his new show "Rock Center with Brian Williams" or shooting an endless stream of teasers for your crappy local newscasters wherein he soullessly fakes throwing to them after a segment about how ironically, in a strange twist of fate, deep sea divers have been adopting unwanted dogs abandoned after Hurricane Irene.) On the tour he'll tell you tales of his time working in the famed building and provide you with canned, producer-prompted jokes about how Williamsburg is overhyped (and it is). Then he will pluck one blessed hair from his head, place it in a Mason jar, seal the jar and give it to your family so you might take it home and place it on your mantle for good luck.

And so there you have it, friends! I HO-HO-HOpe you enjoy these festive offerings as much as I do and for the record, I still want this for Christmas!

The Morning After

2011-12-04T22:44:00.005-05:00

This is a picture of an establishment in Astoria, Queens that I may have patronized last night as part of a bachelor party for a friend. It is clear that I hate this friend or I never would have been complicit in taking him to such a shithole.

As I awoke this morning I felt a little bad about being in on the selection of such a horrible venue AND THEN actually purchasing him a lap dance for him at that same locale. Plagued with a fleeting guilt, I texted my apologies. This was his reply:

"It's ok. The seats back there were super dirty. It was either the coke or a general look of sadness in her eyes when she told me 'congratulations'."

And so let that be a lesson to you. Fathers, pay attention to your daughters lest they be relegated to grinding on my hilariously dickish friends for cash.

Cooking with Lisa - Thanksgiving Episode

2011-11-27T11:01:00.003-05:00

Do you know what this is?

This is only the kitchen that created the World's Finest Thanksgiving Dinner™-you know, no big deal. But do you know what this also means? More rhetorical questions? No! It means it's time for yet another episode of Cooking with Lisa!

This episode boasts a whole host of new additions: A change of venue, new assistants and I get all up in a turkey's guts. Alright, stop squealing. Your episode awaits you...

So on behalf of Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, The Garrigan-Richardsons and "Larry" have yourself a very Happy Thanksgiving and you may now begin watching this:

About "A Bag of Dicks"

2011-11-21T20:56:00.005-05:00

Evidently, there’s a new item on all of my friends Christmas list this holiday season.

A bag of dicks.

Yes, not a day goes by in which I am not instructed to by one of my friends to, “go suck a bag of dicks” or “eat a bag of dicks.” Excuse me if this is apparent, but I have awful, awful friends. However, I’m a pleaser so when I get requests such as this, I want to do whatever I can to at least entertain the directive and find some sort of compromise.

With that in mind, there are limits to the areas of my expertise, and as such I’d like to take a moment to help mitigate a few outstanding points that will help inform my future engagement or abstention from working with “a bag of dicks.”

How many dicks are in a bag?

I live in New York, and as we all know space is at a premium. When you barely have enough room to hang up your clothes, wherever are you going to store a “bag of dicks” to have at the ready to perform various activities (i.e. sucking, eating, taking out to a nice dinner)? If we’re talking, you know, like (10) or so average dicks that I can fit into a Bravo shopping bag, that’s probably going to be reasonable. However, if you’re talking like porn star dicks or like a Santa-style satchel full of like (100) or so dicks, well, that’s just unreasonable –also, I have back issues.

What kind of dicks are they?

I may have gotten ahead of myself in my assumption that these are human dicks? Are they? Because if not, I may have to decrease the number of dicks again. I mean if we’re talking like donkey dicks or something a little more exotic, in that instance, I could probably only have (2 – 3) dicks in that bag –again working under the assumption these dicks could be contained in a reasonably-sized, traditional shopping bag.

Am I responsible for securing these dicks?

I don’t know, call me old fashioned but if I am given the responsibility of carrying out some verb in relation to a bag of dicks, I think the least the person making the request could do is provide me with the bag, including the required allotment of dicks, right? If not, then I would kindly request the following reimbursement:

· The cost to secure all requested quantities of dicks

· The cost to secure requisite bag(s)

· The costs for all taxes, shipping, tariffs and required customs considerations for transport of dicks (if necessary)

· The rate of $25/hr. plus applicable payroll taxes (we’re in a recession, after all) for the necessary due diligence to secure the number of dicks required for requested activity.

· Meals & incidentals during said diligence

Are they still connected to the thing that produced the “dicks”? If so, do I have to carry them around in the bag?

Again, I don’t mean to be a pansy, but I do have a bad back and I need to work under the agreed consideration that the dicks will be removed and properly prepared. I don’t mean to be a bad sport, but I just can’t carry all that weight around, even if they’re midgets / pygmies / little people or woodland creature dicks.

Do you have to carry out dick-related activity in one setting or can these undertakings take place over time?

As I’ve outlined in previous posts, I live an active lifestyle. I can’t just carve out a whole day sittin’ around doing dick-related tasks for people. I need to manage my time. In keeping with this, I would kindly request that either:

A. The amount of time requested to carry out this activity be kept to a minimum,

B. I be allowed to do said activity over the course of a few weeks

C. The number of per sitting dicks to be kept to a minimum.

Thanks in advance for providing me with some clarity on these points. While I sincerely apologize for my phallic fetish focused friends, with the help of the entire GWGG community, you will provide me, and perhaps the entire world, with the specific necessities of this neologism. In return, you will each be rewarded…

With a bag of dicks.

The Godfather: Part I – A Weekend At Baptism Prep

2011-11-13T21:21:00.006-05:00

I’m on my way back from Boston where I spent the weekend with my sister, Lise, her husband, John, and their young’un, Calvin. The main purpose of my trip was to take a class at the Holy [Insert Name, really, any Catholic-y Name will do.] Church to be prepared to welcome Calvin into the ~~perpetually guilt-ridden~~ Catholic faith.

When Lise, first asked if I'd become the Godfather, well, it didn’t go like a typical Godfather request. Because we’re not a typical family. We’re “connected,” ya see? The scene, familiar to any cinephile [or if it's not familiar to you, you can click here], went a little more like this:

Don Patrickoni:

We have known each other many years, but this, sis, is the first time you’ve come to me for counsel or for help. I can’t even remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee –actually, I take that back, thanks for the beer, John. I… may have overstated. But let’s be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And you feared to be in my debt, because I have really high interest rates, and you haaaate really high interest rates.

Lisasera:

You’re delusional. I just wanted to know if you wanted to be Cal’s godfath-

Don Patrickoni:

I understand. You found paradise in the suburbs of Boston. You had a good trade, maternity leave. The police protected you and there were courts of law that you never had to go to because you’re a real estate lawyer, and you don’t do that sort of thing. So you didn’t need a friend like me. Now you come and say “Don Patrickoni, give me justice.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me “Godfather.” You come into my house and ask me to hold the baptism candle – for money.

Lisasera:

I just thought it might be nice since you’re his uncle, you’re in my house -and no, I’m definitely not going to pay you.

Don Patrickoni:

This is not justice.

Lisasera:

I don’t care; I’m not going to pay you.

Don Patrickoni:

Lisa, Lisa what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you‘d come to me in friendship, and offered oh, I don’t know, at least like a $25 Cold Stone Creamery gift card, I’d be all about this. And then if by some chance an honest lady like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.

Lisasera:

Fine, my friend… Godfather [Lisasera rolls her eyes, Don Patrickoni offers his pinky ring to kiss.]

Lisasera:

I’m not going to kiss your ring, you idiot. It’s plastic.

Don Patrickoni:

Good. [Hand on shoulder] Some day and that day may never come; I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift. Now if it isn’t too much trouble do you think John would drive me to Cold Stone? A Cheesecake Dream, sounds just heavenly right about now.

While the intro was really exciting, ever since then it’s been pretty boring stuff. Mostly watching a video where a priest asks rhetorical questions of bouffanted 80’s-era parishioners, and then a volunteer couple prattled on about their absurdly named Asian children. Also, Cal took a really loud dump during the questions section of the lesson, which was the purest magic, so I guess I won’t bump anyone off…

…this time.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Marathons for Lazy Folk

2011-11-05T15:26:00.001-05:00

Have you ever thought to yourself, "you know, I could probably run a marathon if I put my mind to it."

Well, you can't. It's hard and you're lazy.

Fortunately, for all you disgusting slobs out there, I found something that will allow you to sidestep all that training and sweating and grunting and carb loading and nipple greasing and expensive shoe buying and hoping your significant other will notice that you do have ambition, goddammit!!

All you have to do, is find yourself a fake finish line, cross it and enjoy the resulting accolades. You know, like this:

See, wasn't that nice? You may now return to eating your feelings.

GWGG Joins D&G

2011-10-24T00:35:00.014-05:00

Welllll helloooooooo! In celebration of this month being multi-media month (in the editorial calendar I quite literally just made up), we took the show to the illustrious Dave & Giggles program. During this time I waxed poetic about Churchill, thongs and peeing straight. So turn up your speakers and listen to this while you do your dishes. 'Cause seriously, you need to do your dishes, that shit is disgusting.

Your browser does not support the audio element.

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And there you have it, my little chickedees. All the news that's fit to swear about on the interwebs. I like to think of this new little partnership as the Gray Lady of dick and fart jokes.

Also, "handy." There. Now I will have said it three times. Thank you.

[Editorial Note: This post was created in conjunction with Dave & Giggles. This podcast runs weekly on Sundays at 10pm and you can hear more by clicking here. If you or someone you know ~~is a stripper~~ would make a great guest, shoot me an email and I would be happy to put you in touch!]

The Hilfigers

2011-10-17T23:35:00.004-05:00

These are my friends: The Hilfigers.

What do you mean you don't believe me? I have proof. Take a looksee right here.

And there you have it, you Doubting Thomas, you. On this day, the holes are not stigmata in my hands and feet, the hole is in my heart. ...and just for that you don't get any cashmere sweaters. Not. A. One.

Happy Fall, friends!

Part-Time Model

2011-10-14T13:17:00.001-05:00

I could be a part-time model...

...but I'd probably still have to keep my normal job.

The Lost Andy Rooney Sign Off

2011-10-09T15:41:00.008-05:00

The last bastion grumpy old mandom has signed off. At the ripe old age of 92, Mr. Andy Rooney gave his 1,097th commentary on why the internet sucks and how people should write more letters and his seemingly endless reserve of "I remember back during World War II when I was a reporter and personally kicked Hitler in the nuts" anecdotes.

You can find the full segment featured a week or two ago outlining his career here.

What was truly unfortunate is, despite the lovely send off and career retrospective, CBS edited down his remarks, not allowing Rooney the opportunity to enjoy his unfettered bully-pulpit one last time. Luckily for you all, I have gotten my hands on the draft Andy was going to present as he says goodbye to the show he's worked on since the late 70's. A draft which I will share with you now.

ROONEY:

Have you ever noticed when people retire from a job that they've held for 20 or more years, they do this thing were they talk about how great their job was and how much they loved the people they worked with? My dad worked on the railroad, he got a watch when he retired. He gave that watch to me. Once, when I was in Bangkok, I traded that watch to a masseuse for a handy.

My work here -and I say work because I got a paycheck and that's how working works- was just fine. I mean it could've been worse, I could have been a masseuse in Thailand rubbin' out an old fart like me. But I'd like to take a few moments and tell you what it was like to work with the "professionals" here at CBS:

Lesley Stahl - great in the sack
Scott Pelley - has no penis
Morley Safer - haaaates women, also never washes his hands after using the bathroom
Lara Logan - once told me I smell like a bag of salt & vinegar potato chips -I've never forgiven her for that, the bitch
And I guess there are other people who work here, but I haven't taken the time to learn their names because I'm old and they keep me locked in this room.

Maybe it's me, but I hate you all.

As I start to round out my final days, a lot of people ask me what I'm going to do with myself to keep busy. The answer is simple, I'm going to be a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Yes, I know many of you see me as a paragon of masculinity & virility, but when I caught a bit of the show once on an aeroplane, I knew I wanted in on the magic. There's something about watching these talented performers hide their sausages and shoot glitter from their assholes that I just had to be a part of. Yes, this is a new Andy Rooney, shitbirds. My role, a new addition to the program, will involve me sitting in a chair in the center of the judging room, and from this vantage the contestants will sing to me, sit on my lap and twirl my hair in their fingers. It is going to be a hoot.

So as I sign off, I just want to say, thanks for the memories, suckers. Also, YOU BETTER WERK!!! [3 snaps in z-formation).

###

I did not see that coming. In any event, happy travels to you, Andy. I won't miss looking at that weird thing on your lip, however.

Gross.

I Am Shufflin', Everyday

2011-10-02T20:47:00.005-05:00

Folks, I've said it afore and I'll say it again...

...I live an active lifestyle.

Yes compadres, for the past 4 weeks I've been traversing this great land staying in hotels, banging skanks and expensing lavish dinners. It's kinda my thing.

Along my travels, I wanted to find an anthem that best summarized what it was like to be me (you know, to provide some aspirational programming). I happened upon just the thing by way of a handful of hip-hop hamsters.

So let this be a lesson to you. May you always wear your lame track jacket during post-Apocalyptic fire-fights, but most importantly, may you be shufflin', everyday.

What is your anthem Gumptioneers? Lemme know in the comments below. Or don't -I don't care. I may be too busy shufflin' to read them. ...but probably not.

A Flash Mob Reminder: You're Never Fully Dressed...

2011-09-25T15:11:00.004-05:00

Often times, I get up, put on clothes and I compliment myself on how fantastic I look in them. With all the hustle and bustle of living an active lifestyle, however, sometimes I find my sartorial stylings incomplete. Luckily for me, these nimble retirees showed up at the AARP convention (which I happened to be attending -don't ask) to remind me of that most essential accessory:

So remember, you're never fully dressed without a smile -or pants. Never forget. ...and you can trust these people. They're old, they know stuff.

[FULL DISCLOSURE: I may have had something to do with this. Who's to say? It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.]

Your Labor Day Interweb Round-Up

2011-09-05T20:39:00.005-05:00

Hello all my Right Thinking American friends! I hope you're all having an incredible Labor Day, which involved as little labor as possible. Me? I dusted. Thanks for asking.

What has the Labor Movement done for you to warrant a day off from work? Well, it gave you the 40 hour work week (you know, if you can get a job), safety regulations and a minimum wage. Well done, Labor Movement, I think it's time for your 6 hour smoke break now.

The more I thought about "Labor," the more I realized sometimes here at GWGG I do make you do a lot of the heavy lifting here by forcing you to string the words posted to this site to create sentences and (hopefully) wildly inspirational thoughts of Greatness.

Well not this week! This week say goodbye to laborious literacy and hello to a visual vacation!

Basically no more words, just pictures and videos of things I've liked, seen or heard this week. So prop your feet up, turn up your sound and let's look at stuff.

GREATNESS IN EVERY SONG YOU EVER LIKED IN ONE VIDEO

GREATNESS IN TRIPPY ART

GREATNESS IN BEING A TOTAL DICK TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER FOR NO REASON ASIDE FROM THE FACT THEY MAKE SHITTY COFFEE

GREATNESS IN CONVERSING WITH NATURE

GREATNESS IN WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO LISTEN

GREATNESS IN HOLY FUCKING SHIT RUUUNNNNNNN!

GREATNESS IN PRESERVING THE ENVIRONMENT

Wasn't that nice? Before we go I do have one bit of work for you. You have to push this button right here. Yes, the one that says you "Like" the NEW GWGG Facebook Page, as every good Gumptioneer should.

That's it. You are now a productive member of society. Now, get back to work, you slackers.

Get STATED, You 'Ol So-And-So!

2011-09-05T19:09:00.003-05:00

Are you a narcissist like me? Of course you are! Our friends over at STATED have a fun thing-a-majig going on. You can get your pic and a quote turned into a STATED-style profile image (all designed 'n shit) to be posted on statedmag.com and your Facebook, natch. You can look as attractive as I do and get some more details by clicking here!

DO EEET NOW!

Safety First: What You Need To Know About Irene

2011-08-26T15:58:00.008-05:00

Ruh roh, kids! A storm's a comin'!

Now while I have been the first to make jokes and have nicknames for all the members of my Monday morning looting party (Skipper, Spider & Samantha -we're not sexist, this is 2011), the fact remains we don't know what's gonna happen do we? No, we don't. On Tuesday an earthquake, on Sunday a hurricane, what's next...?

Well, in preparation, WNYC put together this pretty fantastic interactive map that shows the zones the city has been broken into AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR EVACUATION LOCATION (red dots). I've given you the Greatness World Headquarters as a starting place, but you can find your own hovel by scrolling around. Don't bother going to the Mayor's Office or the NYC.gov sites as they've been bogged down and you'll spend all night refreshing only to download a shitty 2MB map that has no detail. I need details, man.

In addition to these items, the city (with some finessing from me) has suggested the following ways to prepare for the storm:

Stay indoors. If you go outside during a hurricane, then you are either impervious to pain like Anderson Cooper, or are an idiot. Let's hope you're neither and you just stay inside.

Avoid being near glass windows. For your own safety stay in rooms with no or few windows. Don't stand or congregate in a glassed-in vestibules or atriums. Chances are, if you have a glassed-in atrium you're on a private jet to Palm Springs, but if not, stay away from it, okay guys?

Fill your bathtub with water, just in case. I guess this way if the pipes burst you're covered and you'll have drinking water, but also after a stressful, traumatic experience like a hurricane, you may just want to have a good soak and let Calgon take you away...

Hang out with friends, relatives or prostitutes. No one wants to die alone, not even whores.

Stock up on booze (and essentials). I mean you're indoors, you may as well be drunk and full. Then just sleep it off until Monday when the news trucks arrive to record your horror at the devastation and you're given the opportunity to lament, "I never thought this could happen to me, not here," in a thick Southern drawl eliciting both pity and ridicule.

Know where your evacuation center is in the event you need to use it. All I'm saying is if my windows get blown out, the party will be relocated to the Newcomers High School on 29th Street & 41st Avenue. What! What!

Charge your electronics devices. ...lest ye be relegated to reading and unable to tweet.

Get renter's insurance in the next 10 minutes.

Buy condoms. If you're nestling in with a loved one or marooned with another equally lusty harlot, bring protection. Don't let "a baby" be added below "water damage" on the list of things you will now have to pay for as a result of this weekend.

Have low-tack tape on-hand. If the wind is kicking up and your window start to look like saran wrap place tape on the panes of glass from edge to edge until it looks like you've turned your window into a really crappy Tiffany lamp. It might not do any good but at least you'll feel like you're doing something, so you know, that's nice.

Inflate your Aerobed now. You can either use it for your impending sleepover or use it to search for survivors as you paddle down your new backyard water park. Double rainbow either way!

Have a "Go Bag" or you'll feel like a "D Bag". You guys know what goes in these, but if you don't you can go here and fill it up with all the amenities your heart desires. When the tide does come -and believe me you, it's comin' mister- hold your vittles high and pronounce yourself Lord of the Flies.

In closing, as Mayor Mike says, "We can joke about this on Monday morning, but until then this is a matter of life and death." With that I raise a frothy glass of Wolaver Oatmeal Stout and proudly proclaim, "TO LIFE!"

7 Life Lessons from the Poors

2011-08-22T01:53:00.002-05:00

Living like a rich person? Easy. Awesome. Living like a poor person, now that takes some talent.

We're going down, sweet baby Jesus, we're going down. If you've been watching the news, you know our economic future is bleak. Get your money out of the bank, hide it in a mattress and start stockpiling cigarettes -much like prison, it will be the only thing worth dick following the Economic Apocalypse: 3D ("it's like the crippling poverty reached out of the screen and touched me!").

In the hopes of getting some inspiration to weather the storm I read just the most charming article by Barry Ritholtz in the Washington Post entitled, "7 life lessons from the very wealthy." While Barry looks like he takes himself too seriously based on his headshot, the piece had some interesting insights into the views of the fantastically rich. He goes on to even give us a hint as to what is like to have fortunes in excess of nine and 10 figures. Which for all you dum-dums out there, he explains, "that’s hundreds of millions to billions of dollars."

As I read it, I was like that is easy. You want some real lessons, look to the "new poors". They're like "new money" but with markedly worse boob jobs, and also they're poor. Sharpen your pencils, shirbirds. Here comes some learning.

Rich Person Lesson #1: Having money is better than not having money.
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #1: Having money is better than not having money. Yeah, that one is the same.

Rich Person Lesson #2: Don’t become “cash rich” and “time poor.”
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #2: Don't become "credit rich" and "car poor;" it increases the likelihood you'll be on Repo Games [Editorial: Can we all agree that show is FUCKED UP? Yes, we can.]

Rich Person Lesson #3: Memories are better than material objects.
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #3: But if the material objects you purchase are booze and meth, you don't have to worry about either!

Rich Person Lesson #4: Watch your “lifestyle leverage,” especially early in your career.
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #4: Hope to someday learn what "lifestyle leverage" means.

Rich Person Lesson #5: Having goals is incredibly important.
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #5: Having goals, you know, like not eating out of trash cans on Tuesdays is incredibly important.

Rich Person Lesson #6: You must live in the here and now.
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #6: As in you're probably going to be reduced to giving "handy's" for cash right here, right now.

Rich Person Lesson #7. It helps to be incredibly lucky.
GWGG Poor Person Lesson #7: Indeed it does. Especially if you live in a place where people are prone to feeling "stabby."

So there you have it America! In closing, let us never forget, as they say in Latin, "Res sanus melior in Latin." (things always sound better in Latin). See ya all in Hooverville!

Gumption Goes HGTV

2011-08-14T21:55:00.009-05:00

Do you know these assholes?

Of course you do! This is a picture of Robert and Cortney Novogratz, professional awful people. These two jokers used to have a show on Bravo cringeably titled, 9 By Design. Not surprisingly, it was cancelled due to lack of watch-ability and the fact that they wear way too many scarves.

Now they're bringing their unique brand of Brooklynite name-drop-ridden tour de pretension to HGTV in a new program called, Home by Novogratz! The show does the same thing all those shows do: They take ugly peoples' homes and make them super nice -but this one adds aloofness and mind-numbing catchphrases like, "you've been Novogratzed!" These are the horrible people who's conversations you overhear at a restaurant and want to punch in the genitals.

As I watched this parade of the pompous, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I could totally do this. I'm really good at life." And so I did.

You've been GUMPTIONIZED! And that, my friends, is how you make a TV show.

Now can we talk about House Hunters International? I am seriously in need of a villa. Amiright you guuuuuuuys???