@pmnjk

Direction

2013-09-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the sun. It creates all the energy we use on our planet. Sure, add background radiation; I guess. And, add the heat from the core; ok. All the energy.

Next, we have life on Earth, which, over time, works toward using all the energy in the most efficient manner possible.

Where do we fit in this pattern? Where does our consciousness fit?

A pattern of the universe is to become increasingly better at predicting itself. The beings that are better at prediction – predicting where food will be, or how to get food while saving energy, or how not to get hurt – are more likely to survive over time.

And, with chaos, the unpredictable, a species must be ready with different behaviors, conscious or not, to continually succeed, as a species, over time.

Where does this leave the individual person? His role is to survive, to increase the diversity of the group. But how should he survive? He could act naturally. He could question his nature, to consciously increase the diversity of the group. Or perhaps his natural way of being is enough for this purpose.

His consciousness has the ability to affect the behavior of the group, in the present and in the future – possibly for many generations. And what is his duty? Is it to make things the same, or different? Is it to increase complexity, to increase the diversity to a point where integration becomes necessary, while preserving the original diversity within the integrated group, at which point diversification becomes necessary once more, to increase complexity again?

At what point does our ability to predict the future cause the universe to become more unpredictable, and is there an end pattern, one of cyclical balance, eventually becoming a dance between prediction and chaos? This is a problem for our children, perhaps.

With our consciousness, the universe is experiencing itself. Our diversity of thought moves the universe toward experiencing itself in every possible way. What is our role in this, as individuals? With our energy, is it best to do what feels natural? Is the natural way the most efficient way of thinking?

As we learn the complexity of our subconscious minds and how we can shape our autonomous behavior, when do we purposefully move our consciousness out of our non-conscious way? Is it more efficient, over time, to purposefully question and disrupt the natural way of thought? And to what end? Is there a need for chaos in our thought process? How much chaos should exist within one individual?

What role does boredom play? Boredom feels undesirable, yet we need to predict our future, and as our ability to predict increases, so does our boredom. If we accept our boredom as our experience, are we doing the universe a disservice, content in the way things are, and thus more susceptible to death by chaos? If we reject our boredom, do we leave behind a wasteland of discarded projects and lives? Should we apply our boredom to improve what we have while keeping what we had?

The universe wants us to consider the long view – we can, after all. With age, this idea becomes dangerous for the conscious individual. What do we make of it? What are the roles of chaos and prediction? And in each moment, which do we choose? Do we choose? And is there a difference between each choice?

We have our morality, which was given to us by our ancestors, the ones who survived the droughts. We have different sensitivities. If one's sensitivities are too different, the group will limit the choices of the one. Does this limitation make a difference?

If one's writing becomes too strange, erring on the side of chaos and the unpredictable, will the writer be silenced by the group? Will the silence make a difference? Or will the writer silence himself?

Labor day

2013-09-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

~~Being lost is the only way to be.~~ ~~If you're not lost~~ ~~Feeling lost is~~ Being lost is the only way to be. How can we avoid it, being humans as we are? Our collective memory is an afterthought of the universe. In four generations, where will you be? In forty-thousand generations, will there be any of us left? In 40 million generations, what will we have left to say? ~~Is 40~~ As we worry about the rat race, our spark of consciousness remains short ~~and frg fragile~~. To what end do we work? ~~Our creation has been successful~~ We've already won. We're here.

So now what? The universe provides little answers. History tells us that we are going to die, that people will forget who we are, and continue to struggle, as they live focused on their lives. What we have are our lives; perhaps all we can do is celebrate that, ~~and confront those who~~ and work to limit its destruction. Of course, I am referring to all of us our lives, not merely the few who are reading these words. Where do we want to live? We can make that place – that is the task of the modern person, to be deliberate, because it is an option now.

And then we'll leave, whether or not we do what we set out to do. It is our destiny to struggle with this world and these brains, and that is all. Whether we have a choice to be lost is not in our hands, we simply are.

As we attempt to conquer a universe that has already conquered us, we search for constants that help us forget our enslavement; ~~and this is who we are~~ all we can find is what the universe has given us – our morality, our drive to live one more day.

And so, do what you want. The universe has us, and owes us nothing. ~~Most of the people we meet don't tend to think in those terms~~ I propose we do what we can to end suffering. ~~, starting with its worst forms~~ We will not succeed. ~~but we will live,~~ So what.

What politics gives us

2013-08-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

It is almost foolish to argue directly with culture. To solve a cultural problem within a generation, or even within a lifetime, is a daunting task. Perhaps our challenge, then, is how to use culture to our advantage, to flip a situation.

Perhaps hard, cultural problems can be addressed through our moral foundations, helping us move forward.

An idea must be accepted locally if it is to become a long-term change, but it does not need to begin there. The government can use our moral foundation of authority to help an idea take root. Yet, the path taken by our government is an unsteady, sometimes backwards one.

Out of a frustration with the government, apolitical movements are born. We try to ignore the authority of the government, but we will set up a new authority, as it is our moral nature as people, and nothing has changed.

Being apolitical in itself is not wrong, but it might be helpful to recognize the authority dynamics that are taking place, and what process rules the group. That is, when we form a group, we need to ask ourselves, what is driving the culture? How is the culture defined, and under what authority?

It is important to understand what politics gives us – moral authority – and how it operates, depending on the system of government. I suggest that without a moral authority in place in our groups, nothing can happen.

To explore this idea of authority, think of policies. What do policies do for our companies? They try to communicate what's important to our leaders, what our priorities are. Without them, a smart individual can get by, even flourish, but a group without a policy slowly becomes bogged down with the overhead of getting on the same page, so to speak.

Getting on the same page requires a finding a common authority, whoever or whatever that may be.

To explore this idea further, replace "government" with "religion," above.

Daylight

2013-08-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

People are figuring it out every night. Over wine, over cocktails, over a few beers. Peace is found, with friends, with our kin. We are made this way. Outside of this environment, in the daylight, we struggle. This has been noted many times, with much worry and anxiety. Still, we can write in the warm candlelight of a bar, and all is well.

The "wise" often tell us we're struggling because we are doing it wrong. We are the enemy. But where does that leave us, besides doubting our humanity? I have been told to doubt myself for thirty years, and I have tried to oblige. Today, I see little reason to continue.

Doubt – the notion that we should refrain from doing – leads to doing nothing. We need something to guide us, something to do. Our doubt leads to our inaction; the action of others, however ill-informed, fills the void. Only a positive suggestion can lead to something.

Still, on the whole, we do in fact struggle. We commit crimes against each other. We hurt each other. We build glass ceilings. This is true. Why is that? Why is progress so difficult?

What are we doing to change? In our nights and weekends, we are in love with our harmless TV shows. We are reading our celebrity gossip and our sports dramas. We are hiking and dancing, finding a release, a distraction that we desperately need. What we do is necessary; it is the follow-through to our days.

As we acknowledge our need for release, what we need to change becomes obvious:

Our days.

How do we even begin?

Why I started meditating

2013-06-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

My neighbor asked me to take a meditation class with her, and I said yes. I'd been curious about it for some time, but I was concerned I'd lose touch with my friends, and society in general, becoming unable to relate with people, as mystics, hippies, and advocates often appear.

I'd been battling with the concepts of emptiness, a lack of intrinsic meaning, and the absurd for about six years. At the beginning of this struggle, a friend suggested I read The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus. This lead to The Rebel, and to Resistance, Rebellion & Death.

I found Camus' argument enticing. For me, he basically said, "Yeah, so there are these notions like emptiness, and they're powerful, and I believe they are real, and to that I say, 'fuck off, I get it,' and we have a choice here so let's create what we want and let's want something good and let's enjoy it."

Yet, the method for living this way proved elusive. Aiming high, I started a business to end war. It was hard. I grew tired. Burned out, I started an organization for swing dancing, a seemingly trivial matter. I read all of the books on creating successful teams.

I began searching for ways to defeat the passion-to-burnout cycle, with a focus on group dynamics. Perhaps an answer is to deliberately create a culture. This search was primarily an internal one, and continued that way for a couple years.

In 2011, Willpower by Baumeister & Tierney hit the shelves. By itself, it helps us understand the importance of snack time. More importantly, it was a gateway into the new wave of cognitive psychology books. I was learning how to change the habits of my body, and how to guide an organization by learning what works for people, and I was very excited about it.

After a year of this, I met my neighbor, who had just moved in. She invited me to a community event that had a jazz band, a dance floor, a local-farm-made meal, and a psychology talk by a university professor. Yes, please.

It turned out that this professor, who was talking about habits and the latest research, has been studying Buddhism for the last 25 years, and was teaching a university class on meditation. At the same time, my yoga-teaching neighbor was putting together a pranayama course, and traveling to other cities to study Dharma; most days, we would walk to a coffee stand and talk about it.

I want to do something. I suppose that's what made me start looking into all this stuff.

Perhaps more, I've wanted to be a good person for as long as I can remember. And a good person does something important, I've perceived. But what's important? And if it's important, why aren't we there already?

And this desire to be good is probably just built into my brain, near my ears, because that's where it fit, when my ancestors needed to be good to survive the drought.

And before that. Of course. The start.

World view

2013-06-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

FUCK THIS IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE THE BEAUTY IN THIS PLACE
AND GO JUST GO TO THE END AND SEE IT JUST TO SEE IT IF YOU
COULD AND WHAT'S THERE IF YOU REALLY LOOK AND GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR FATE AND YOUR LOVE AND
YOUR EVERYTHING BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THERE IT IS HERE YOU ME
AND THIS DIRT ALWAYS ALWAYS AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU
WANT FROM IT SO JUST GO BE THAT ALREADY AND FIGURE IT OUT
AND LIVE FOR FUCK'S SAKE GOD OH MY GOD PLEASE I LOVE YOU
ALL AND STILL WE ARE HERE IN THE MUD TRYING TO FUCKING
CLAW OUR BLOODY HANDS OUT OF THIS HISTORY AND FOR WHAT
TO DO IT ALL AGAIN AND TO FIND NOTHING AND TURN IT INTO
SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL SO GO BUT WE'RE STILL STUCK IN THE
EARTH AND THESE BRAINS AND THESE RULES FOR THE TIME BEING
AND IT'S PERFECT SO FUCK YOU YOU MAKE SOMETHING THAT CAN
KNOW ITSELF JUST GO JUST GO JUST GO JOIN ME LET'S GO I LOVE
YOU AND WE'RE HERE AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS SO LET'S HELP
THE SEVEN FUCKING BILLION PEOPLE JOIN US HOLY SHIT WHAT DO
YOU WANT THIS IS WHAT WE ARE I CAN'T LOVE YOU MORE THAN
THIS I CAN'T BECAUSE I TRIED AND I CRIED FOR DAYS

Prelude, one of many

2013-06-01T23:53:00.001-07:00

Thoughts on writing: With much reading, there comes a desire to write. The head becomes full, and a need to share, reiterate, and convey a sense of worth – and time well-spent – is felt with increasing frequency.

~~There is much madness in this place, when observed with the perspective of a ~~strict logician~~ foolish logician.~~

~~We've been here for a while, but allow me to comment on our present day.~~

Who are you? To whom am I writing? I am writing for myself, it seems. I am writing with the hope to find people I would enjoy spending time with, now and in the future, perhaps even after my death. ~~After all, and to perhaps give my own~~ And I am writing with the hope that it will give me strength; it will help me remember the things that were important to me, and ~~inspire~~ provide me with some purpose on my terms, ~~or at least the~~ as much as that can be true (how dramatic! alas, for health)., as they say).

~~~~Writing is as noble~~ I believe writing with something to say is a noble – and~~

In the march of history, I would like to take part, to play some role with some use.

We are at such. an. interesting. time. that it seems tragic to not see what's at the other end, to see where this goes, with passion and drive. What are we waiting for??? What do we have to see, or be told? Do we have to be given permission to do something with what we've been blessed? to bring people up, out of the slums, to share the experience of this world outside of ~~death and poverty~~ war and poverty. With this at my side, I write.

Conclusions so far.

2012-09-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

Finding the right means is the end. The goal is to find the right means, the best process, for crafting our society in peace. "The end justifies the means" is a falsehood.

When confronted with the void of meaninglessness, choose to create something beautiful from your point of view.

Experts are rare. Be aware of this, have an opinion, have a "growth mindset," and build something great.

Conflict is a natural element of human behavior. Scarcity is the root of all conflict. If you can resolve a scarcity problem, you can resolve a conflict.

Time is running out for you, but not for the world. We're in this together. Pass the baton.

Books:

Switch by Heath
The Rebel by Camus

47th street jive

2009-09-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

I walked by a man on 5th street, and he asked if I could spare 50 cents. What? I don't carry change -- I stack my quarters on my bookshelf, to feed the laundry machines downstairs, and I throw the rest of the cumbersome metal into a bucket on the floor. The times, they're a-changing a little; he should consider changing his business plan, or at least study his market a bit more.

I work in a cubicle, and overhear men talking on the phone all day. They're in meetings, they say; they tell me they're talking to college graduates, professionals, and grown, adult human beings -- I'm not so sure. Everyone enjoys spending their lives in a different way, however, and consenting adults should be allowed to do what they like, as vulgar as it may appear to those listening in.

At work, when there is a perceived problem with the software we're making, people love talking about it. Sometimes they have meetings, they say. I'm glad the software engineers aren't invited -- that might put the other folks out of a job.

At the investors' conference, the angels tell us they are bored. They are lonely, want more friends, and want to be entertained. They say, "Name me someone who's not a parasite, and I'll go out and say a prayer for him." They will give him $300,000 in exchange for his friendship, and do this but five times each year.

The rules of the road have been lodged -- it's only people's games that you've got to dodge. I have my secrets, and I share them with a few, but we can't all escape, and I need to leave soon.

The least we can do

2009-09-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

There is discrimination in this world -- and slavery, and slaughter, and starvation. Governments repress their people; and millions are trapped in poverty, while the nation grows rich, and wealth is lavished on armaments everywhere.

These are differing evils, but they are common works of man. They reflect the imperfection of human justice, the inadequacy of human compassion, our lack of sensibility toward the sufferings of our fellows.

But we can perhaps remember -- even if only for a time -- that those who live with us are our brothers; that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek as we do nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men. And surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again.

Our answer is to rely on youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind, a temper of the will, a quality of imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. The cruelties and obstacles of this swiftly changing planet will not yield to obsolete dogmas and outworn slogans. They cannot be moved by those who cling to a present that is already dying, who prefer the illusion of security to the excitement and danger that come with even the most peaceful progress. It is a revolutionary world we live in; and this generation at home and around the world, has had thrust upon it a greater burden of responsibility than any generation that has ever lived.

Some believe there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation, a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth, a young woman reclaimed the territory of France, and it was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and the thirty-two-year-old Thomas Jefferson who proclaimed that all men are created equal.

These men moved the world, and so can we all. Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

Few are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change. And I believe that in this generation those with the courage to enter the moral conflict will find themselves with companions in every corner of the globe.

For the fortunate among us, there is the temptation to follow the easy and familiar paths of personal ambition and financial success so grandly spread before those who enjoy the privilege of education. But that is not the road history has marked out for us. Like it or not, we live in times of danger and uncertainty. But they are also more open to the creative energy of men than any other time in history. All of us will ultimately be judged; and as the years pass we will surely judge ourselves, on the effort we have contributed to building a new world society and the extent to which our ideals and goals have shaped that effort.

The future does not belong to those who are content with today, apathetic toward common problems and their fellow man alike, timid and fearful in the face of new ideas and bold projects. Rather it will belong to those who can blend vision, reason and courage in a personal commitment to the ideals and great enterprises of American Society.

Our future may lie beyond our vision, but it is not completely beyond our control. It is the shaping impulse of America that neither fate nor nature nor the irresistible tides of history, but the work of our own hands, matched to reason and principle, that will determine our destiny. There is pride in that, even arrogance, but there is also experience and truth. In any event, it is the only way we can live.

Robert Kennedy. 1966. [Source]

A foundation

2008-04-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

This is an outline of what I Am War is, and what it is not.

Fundamental Assumptions, Notions, and Guidelines

At the root: Wars have causes. Causes of wars have solutions.

The purpose of I Am War is to:

Identify causes (of wars)
Identify solutions (to those causes identified)
Implement the solutions

On Causes

We have a specific notion of a "cause" in I Am War. A cause is always a problem of scarcity -- a lack of resources (energy, food, water), or a lack of civil liberties (speech, religion, press, assembly, petition, expression).

We say a cause is "always" a problem of scarcity; this is a hypothesis. It may be that there are other types of fundamental causes, but the focus of I Am War is to attack problems of scarcity. This is fundamental.

On Solutions

We likewise have a notion of a "solution" in I Am War. A solution is a creation -- a structure, program, invention, process, or otherwise -- that overcomes and resolves the issue of scarcity at hand. A proper, full solution in I Am War is sustainable, and it does not introduce or mask new problems of scarcity. This notion of creation is a fundamental piece of the I Am War method.

On People

A fundamental notion of I Am War is to acknowledge the humanity of every person.

It is easy to see this in our friends and our families. I Am War expands this view, and holds this notion for everyone -- our teachers, our leaders, our attackers, and our victims all share the bond of being human. We see the thieves, the murderers, warlords, zealots, and terrorists as fellow human beings. We understand this is not the traditional way of seeing our "enemies."

Building the creative environment

To rise above war, we need a supportive environment. Today, we live in an environment that leads us to war, as it has done invariably for centuries; the politics of war, on many levels, are no different today from those of the past 4,000 years. We see the actions of our leaders -- political and otherwise -- as reflections of this environment.

To get out of this war cycle, not only do we have to choose to get out of it, but we have to create an environment that supports and sustains this choice; we have to create an environment that addresses the fundamental, natural problems of scarcity in this world.

When this is done, when we build an environment of support through sustainable creation, we will have a foundation to stand upon, to live and let live. Understanding this idea is critical. Our mission is to create this supportive environment. And, in this environment, we believe the notions of war will be dismissed as arcane and unnecessary.

To put this notion in a specific light: Our goal is not to convince the world to put down its guns, but to create an environment where disarmament is the easy, natural, obvious thing to do. If people want to build bombs or carry guns, let them; as long as people own guns for defense, or spend 10-15 percent of their gross income on war machines, we know we have more work to do.

On the phrase, "I am war"

Concisely, "I am war," means, "I am taking ownership of this problem of war."

The notion of taking ownership is the same notion of ownership we use at our day jobs -- in the workplace, when someone "owns" a project, they become responsible for the end result of that project, and they are empowered to make decisions that directly impact how successful that project becomes. Similarly, when a project has no owner in the workplace, it is often left in a state of limbo, with no direction, floundering for years at a time, with no progress being made.

We believe many people feel disempowered when observing the state of affairs and the conflicts occurring around the world. Millions of people wish they could contribute in some effective way, but they don't know where to start or don't see where they fit in.

Saying "I am war" is the first step in becoming empowered. It is coming from a place of ownership, and turns us inward to look for solutions, rather than relying upon others to fix it for us.

On Peace

Our focus is on ending organized murder and bloodshed between mass groups of people -- in other words, war.

It is not our aim to end verbal disagreements, heated arguments, greed, cruel intentions, or other cerebral endeavors of humanity. We see "disagreements" between people as part of being alive in an expressive society, and an interesting part at that.

What we are not

I Am War is NOT a political organization. We are NOT here to organize protests, or march in the streets for political change. We are NOT here to define public policy. We are NOT here to disarm the military, or lay down our arms. We are NOT here to end all crime, including murder and domestic violence.

Mission Statement

In the context of the above fundamental assumptions and notions, the mission of I Am War is to build an environment of sustainable creation, while acknowledging the humanity of everyone, to empower ourselves to cause world peace in our lifetime.

A leading step

2008-04-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

I Am War is in a state of genesis. Over the course of two and a half months, 16 people have gathered around a few simple ideas:

We -- you and I -- can cause world peace in our time.
To do this, we must create. We must create in a sustainable way. We must solve the fundamental problems of scarcity at hand, whether they be in energy, food, water, or expression.
The Internet has matured to a point where we can build and use serious tools that are up for this historic task.

Now that these ideas have been laid out, it is time for action. It is time to start building our framework, building our supports that we need as we grow into a global organization, when we will serve as a hub and focal point for millions of people, when we will do what's never been done.

We must act, but it must be with thought. As Jim Collins and Jerry I. Porras have shown in Good to Great and Built to Last, we can learn from our past to build a great business.

They show us that it is critical to have a focus, and to build structures that support our focus. It is equally critical to have the right people in the right places, with visionaries (as opposed to task managers) in leadership roles. We must build a culture that empowers individual contributors, build a framework of ideas we can all look upon for guidance, so we can all make the "right" decision when the time comes, so we can all take ownership, as our name implies.

We are recruiting leaders on every front, as we take that next, first step.

We need engineering leaders to architect our website, to lead the building of a place dedicated to information on the fundamental causes of specific wars. We need talented directors to focus our research, to look into these conflicts and tensions, to scour publications, the media and news, to head first-person accounts.

We need savvy thinkers to craft our business plan; we need prescient artists to communicate our message; we need people who are passionate, who are screaming inside to do something meaningful, something worthwhile, something amazing -- to make something truly great.

This is your opportunity -- your invitation -- to step forward, to own this, and to meet your peers.

A framework

2008-03-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

Upon entering our community, you will be presented with a view of the world's ongoing armed conflicts. There are about 32.

By choosing a war to resolve, you will see a mix of the work by I Am War's research and action wings. Information about the war will be provided by the research wing, whose role is to look at a specific conflict, and answer the question: What are the fundamental causes and tensions underlying this conflict? What problems of scarcity are at work, here?

Clearly, these are difficult problems. It is going to take thousands -- perhaps hundreds of thousands, likely millions -- of people to take them on, with thousands of ongoing projects, large and small. These projects will be presented along-side the work of the research wing: Here are the fundamental causes, and here are our solutions to create what's missing, to address these problems.

This is the action wing. Choose your war; now choose your action, targeted at root cause. This will not be the work of a few. This will be the work of all of us. Some will work full-time, some part-time -- but the vast majority will be on the weekends, during our free time. I Am War stands for the notion that we can all participate, create, respond, and lead, while we continue to care for our families, continue to create our homes and our selves.

Beside a pillar of engineering, a second pillar of the action wing will be our education projects. We see violence as a symptom of failure, a breakdown in communication and a loss of power of self expression. Beyond I Am War is this more-difficult problem of violence and force as a whole; we won't pretend to have a solution to this, here, but we are willing to bet that learning to communicate -- to speak honestly and to listen without judgment -- will play a key role in sustainable success.

The tip of this iceberg, the face of I Am War, the glue that keeps us connected, is our website. Leaders -- all of us -- will have the tools to create projects, to put forth our ideas, to communicate with and request workers -- volunteers or non. While the real work is done on the ground, there are many existing tools and sites that we can build upon, and the Internet will play a key role in our success.

We see now as the time to bring these ideas together. We see now as the time to learn. We see now as the time to act, to create, to build this community and to do something the world has never seen.

Related essays:

Good as I been to you

2008-03-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

December 28, 2007
12:38 a.m.

Time to go back to my roots. To the cold. To the barren trees and softly falling snow. To the bitter, shivering, relentless, shattering cold. To the muffled crunches of solitary walks in the drifts, where the value of a warm hat and warmer thoughts is known.

Brush yourself off before going inside. Stomp your feet; kick the ground; kick the door.

"Why did you walk in the slush? Don't do that. Hurry, shut the door, shut the door. Take off your boots. Come in, come in!"

pink cheeks, runny nose, numb hands. hot chocolate. marshmallows, tiny; don't burn your tongue; too late. soft smiles, sniffles. oily hair. exhaustion. content.

close your eyes; they burn; your cheeks ache. Time to write, time to be, at your desk with the wind behind you, with your soul in its place, calm and comfortable, sinking into your chair, writing on your knee, writing on the arm, writing on the floor, on your side, on your back. it's dark, you're out of ink, your family asleep. time for a walk.

lay on the ground, on the white. cmrrmmmrphhhhbbbmmpphhhh. look up at the clouds, up. make an angel. stop. look at the flakes; they sting your cheeks again in the darkness, in the moonlight. mind your lower back. mind your neck. then relax. keep your thoughts warm; you can stay longer that way. so quiet. so still.

breathing and breath. breathing and breath. breathing and yes. close your eyes.

laughing and breath. so still. quiet outside racing within. a smile. alone. almost there. there. now.

time to go.

A simple notion

2008-02-27T01:14:00.000-08:00

At the base of I Am War is the notion that war can be resolved -- in our lifetime -- through creation. As Albert Camus wrote, history teaches us, "Instead of killing and dying in order to produce the being that we are not, we have to live and let live in order to create what we are."

Our hypothesis is that at the root of each war is a problem of scarcity. People who lack the resources to live comfortably (e.g. food, medicine, energy), or lack outlets for expressive thought, or lack an education teaching the futility of violence are bound to be pushed toward war.

Fundamental to I Am War is the notion that "people are not the problem." People are at war, yes; people are fighting, yes. This does not make them any less human, any less perfect. The state of war is perhaps a fundamental state of a human when stressed in particular ways, and we must acknowledge this if we are to succeed. The goal of I Am War is to create structures and supports above these very real, tangible problems that lead to war, so that these historic stresses will no longer touch us.

We recognize those who benefit from the status quo of war –- and the politics of fear and division –- will be slow to change. In the U.S. Senate, in 2002 the Iraq War was declared by a vote of 77 to 23; clearly, we have much work to do. We do not fault the politician for his irresponsible act; while he may be lacking in perspective, we believe he is but a reflection of the poisonous environment he lives in.

We know the solution to crime is not to put a man in a box for 30 years, alone, and hope that he somehow fixes himself under such conditions, in a place any sane man would turn insane; the solution is to help this man, to give him an opportunity to create his life, and not dwell on his unfortunate, past choices that cannot be changed.

"Security" is the antithesis of creation; the notion of security is never a proper, long-term solution. Security, like violence, is a symptom of failure. We believe the notions of more security forces, more regulation, more restriction, more censorship, and more monitoring are false. In the long term, security and enforcement only serve to build tension among people, restrain our dialog, and deny the humanity of our selves. Security -- whether provided by the state or the gang -- does not educate, does not entrust, and does not build.

To overcome this, we must create. We must build intelligent programs with a base of honesty. To say, "I am war," is to take a critical, meaningful step. "I am war" puts us at the center, puts us at a position to act. From a position of ownership -- not a position of guilt -- we are in a place to lead, to act, to cause peace. It is not the terrorist. It is not the politician. It is not your parents, nor your friends. It is you. It is me.

To solve the problem of war we need to do more than sign mere peace treaties; we need to build a supportive environment of creation. This is an enormous task, and will require work on every front, each enormous in its own right -- education, sustainable energy, sustainable food and nutrition, sustainable creation. This is why you will not find I Am War protesting in the streets, today. We believe we must change the ground politicians walk upon.

We are comfortable putting our trust in the human race. After all, it's who we are -- nothing more, nothing less.

I am war

2008-02-02T00:26:00.000-08:00

If the current U.S. administration were gone tomorrow, there would still be war in the Middle East. There would still be wars throughout central Africa, southern Asia, the island countries of the Pacific, and countries near the equator in the Americas.

In the past I was overwhelmed, paralyzed with the notion that the problem of war is too large, too difficult, and, moreover, someone else's problem -- after all, it's the terrorist who is fighting, or the military, or the current administration, not me. "I am war" takes ownership. "I am war" puts me in a position to act.

I understand that I own my life, my choices. I understand I'm not the victim of politicians, leaders, the state, or the corporation. I understand that I am in a community of people. I understand that I have the tools to do this. I am the politician, leader, state, and corporation. I own this.

I understand that politicians will be politicians; I understand that those who benefit from the status quo of war will be slow to change, and that I must lead and act for peace if progress is to be made.

"I am war" targets the root causes of armed conflicts. "I am war" takes the stance of action, of creation, and of results.

If we -- you and I -- are fighting in the Middle East to protect our oil interests, then let's become independent of oil for energy, and teach the world how to do the same. If Mexicans are killing each other for the opportunity to bring cocaine into the U.S., then let's help our friends quit using it. If lack of civil rights gives birth to violent attacks, then let's teach our family at home to be a beacon for the world.

What is different, today?

Today we have instant communication. We can collaborate and plan in minutes what would take previous generations days, and still-previous generations months. We have records that can be saved indefinitely, shared across the world within a minute. We can keep in touch without the need for expensive correspondence.

We have access to a history that teaches us war is not the answer. As we discover what works, the world will know and never forget.

The sheer number of people who have completed higher education allows us to be more articulate and communicative of our cause.

We have tools to help us work together. We will build even better tools, targeted at war.

"I am war" is my answer to the question, "What can I do?" I don't know what it is exactly, but I'm about to find out.

I am war. This is the start of a group with that underlying philosophy, with the same name. I will be outlining more of my vision within the coming weeks. If you are passionate about being a part of it then, please, contact me now. Email me at phil.manijak [at] iamwar.org.

Base layer

2008-02-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

Like the ocean under a hurricane, my surface thoughts are often a convoluted mess of swirling confusion, uncertainty and curiosity, racing and spinning, as I try to capture my ideas with a pen and freeze them forever in their perfect form. They are often scattered, hard to organize and follow, swelling and falling; about once per month they come together for an hour or so, giving me an opportunity to write before exploding once more.

Beneath this storm, as one goes deep, things become serene and comfortable, rarely disturbed by the tumult above.

Though I enjoy getting lost in the wind, beneath it all I am quite happy; at my core, I am at peace. For me, all this anxiety, this drive and energy to find and do something meaningful, something articulate, something amazing is a game of complete luxury; it's a competition with myself to pass the time, to inspire and challenge me, to have fun in my own way.

How can I not? I live in this beautiful place that has been breathing and evolving for 4,500,000,000 years, and I have 52 more years to be in it. I live in a house built by the 125,000th generation of people, where I can watch the rain fall upon a backdrop of green. I have food shipped to me from thousands of miles away, planted and harvested for me, delivered a block from my home, in exchange for helping people organize their photographs. There are 3,000 years of written thought just down the street, a 15-minute walk. All of these things were here before I opened my eyes.

I can talk with anyone about any thing; my closest friends talk back. I can travel to any place on this pale blue dot. I can create.

Standing upon this fortune of history, paired with a fortune of thought, I find a deep confidence in my self. Despite my at-times-uncertain exterior, I know that I "get it," that I -- for whatever reason -- share many qualities with and identify with the great men of history. I see this in many people -- people in my work, in my town, in my life, in my past, people who can think and act, despite their transient self-doubts. I've felt this for years. And while my surface is searching, searching for the details of what's "right" or what's "wise," I have almost always seen my self as an inexorably advancing wall of ice.

Concentrically around this core are layers of passion, angst and curiosity, among other things. But, it seems my hour is up.

Flare

2008-01-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

I find peace with those who are blazing with all their soul to do something, anything meaningful and worthwhile -- who fight this consuming apathy and tired indecision, climbing out of the mud and muck we buried ourselves in long ago, to thrust upward with coruscating truth, art, and life.

I love traveling, thinking, Bob Dylan's music, sprinting, fine arts, and a handful of friends. Everything else I don't really give a shit about, but I pretend from time to time, with transient, outright passion (currently ballroom dance and lindy hop).

I see myself as quick, intellectually restless, fiercely independent, polite with strangers, creative in small doses, a wit, calm with loud or intense people, self-starting, honest, and a leader when cornered.

I go through cycles of brilliance and burnout. If one were to graph it, it wouldn't be a sine wave, that's for sure.

One of the few things we learn growing up is that most people are scared. They're scared to stand up and speak, afraid of what they are, what they think. And, when you realize that, that everyone in the room is afraid of you, it quickly becomes apparent who is courageous, who are your friends and companions. Their eyes calmly meet yours, holding, locking without effort, laughing silently, cordially.

Our best friends are creators -- authors of literature and philosophy, musicians, farmers, engineers and painters. Bob, Albert, Tori, Claude; they share what they see with us, while we are at rest but not at rest. Some of these friends we hardly know, but we keep in touch in our thoughts, in our lives.

We all have our way of showing it, that we're different, that we're alive. The details, frankly, are unimportant, though it's easy to forget, with our tea and This American Life, indigo hair and smoke, favourite pen and fake British accent; we can be someone else, somewhere else, tomorrow, still with our flashing wit and eyes that betray our secret.

I'm here to say hi to you, you who can't stop traveling, can't stop reading, learning, seeing the hilarity and opportunity of our lives. You know you're brilliant, you know you can see. You know there are no excuses, only choices and time.

You know everyone is like us, though they're not here, just yet; they're waiting for something, someone. And so we're kind to strangers, honest with the thieves. We see the killers, and they are men; they are children, they are our parents, our past, our present, our brothers, overseas and next door. And so we tell them the truth. And so we must create. And though we will die, with all our wit, passion and courage splattered on the mud, it will be without regret, and our children will tell stories, stories, and that will be enough.

Ok. Go. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything

2007-11-24T21:45:00.000-08:00

I want a world where everyone can voice his honest, raw opinion -- can create -- without being forced into submission. And, it would be nice to abolish the notion that murder and force are valid dialogs. That's all I want. That's the only thing I want. There, I said it.

Hard rain

2007-11-22T13:47:00.000-08:00

"A hard rain's gonna fall means: something's gonna happen."

"Hard Rain is a desperate kind of song. ... Every line in it is actually the start of a whole song. But when I wrote it, I thought I wouldn't have enough time alive to write all those songs so I put all I could into this one." -- Bob Dylan.

It was written during the Cuban missile crisis of October 1962. Bob was 21.

I see it as a traveling song, a song of weathered youth on the cusp of action, a reminder that what we reap is what we sow and what happens next is up to you and I. If I had to pick a favorite song, this is it.

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains,
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways,
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests,
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans,
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it,
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin',
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin',
I saw a white ladder all covered with water,
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken,
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin',
Heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world,
Heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin',
Heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin',
Heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin',
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter,
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, who did you meet, my blue-eyed son?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony,
I met a white man who walked a black dog,
I met a young woman whose body was burning,
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow,
I met one man who was wounded in love,
I met another man who was wounded with hatred,
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what'll you do now, my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin',
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest,
Where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters,
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison,
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden,
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten,
Where black is the color, where none is the number,
And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it,
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it,
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin',
But I'll know my song well before I start singin',
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Background noise

2007-11-13T01:35:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I've written this one hundred times. I am at unease. I haven't laughed in weeks. I check my email; the universe gives me nothing new. Distract me, I say; keep me from answering these questions. There is silence, and there is no answer, that is what we know. This is revolting, and yet we are all here, alive. Show me inspiration, show me honesty, show me progress. Where is it? What do you see? Give me the answer, I'm done trying to figure it out. There is no answer, we say.

I can't think on Wednesdays. It's my favorite day; on the floor, there's only room for smiling, for small bouts of courage, and for saying yes, at least we're still here, tonight. I always come home. No messages. No answer.

I write by incandescent light. I wait. Challenge me. No, not that much. Entice me. Oh. Fine. Let's talk about the game again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

Again, I wait. Where do we want to go? We're on the sea; at least the sun is out. You don't need your book, you know how it goes, you've read it before.

No messages. Tell me a joke that involves the president, our leader, our beacon, our representative, our selves. At what point do we give up. This isn't our country. These aren't our lives. Some day we'll learn. Some day I'll learn. Some day I'll be honest. I'll write. I'll share. Some day. Eight hours at work. Eight hours of a life. Not my life, I say. What a lie, what an easy path. Yet, I wait.

Unfinished.

2007-11-12T00:11:00.000-08:00

Everything I write here has been said before. Even that. Even that. Imagine our plight 2,000 years from now; not only will everything have been written, but it will have been written eight times over; it will be searchable, hyper-linked to the others, and tagged by thousands of strangers with meanings you never intended. Let’s take a moment to be thankful for the arcane times we live in.

Now is when we can pretend to be unique from time to time, as we hide our flashes of brilliance from the world for fear of being too honest, too insane, as we balance upon the dull edge of what we call the brink, as the gods note the standard refrain. Now.

Anxiety

2007-10-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Encircled by a mix of good friends and strangers, I'm alone, standing in the middle of the room. The lights are warm; music is blasting, smiles all around, hands are clapping, "dance!" is shouted into the air. I'm supposed to be dancing, and everyone is watching to see what I'll do. My palms begin to sweat, my back slowly follows in suit; my pulse quickens and my throat tightens; I look down, flushed and embarrassed, and walk outside. "I can't dance."

That's never happened; but, seven months ago, it was my largest social fear. I wasn't someone who was meant to dance, I would tell myself. "Just do what comes natural," friends would say; standing around seemed natural to me, or simply bobbing my head -- perhaps groping a nearby companion would come to mind, but that's not polite, and so I refrained.

I used to dance all the time. I remember it well: I was five or maybe four or three. Couches created for the sole purpose of jumping upon were mine; Chicago was the band of the hour, sharing time with the Fame soundtrack; jumping, spinning, closed eyes, smiling. Stop. Switch. Embarrassment begins, expression ends. What if someone sees me? How horrifying. I'll sit for a while. Prom comes and goes; no, not for me.

There are some things people don't teach us early enough in life; but, to be fair to our elders and our peers, perhaps we're all still searching. After all, with the possibilities of the world before us, why else would we instruct our children to kill -- because we have it all figured out? Perhaps not.

In light of this, I propose an incomplete set of rules for life:

Rules are for those who don't know what they're doing.
If you have no fear then you're not a human being.
There is a short list of things that matter. What happens on a dance floor isn't one of them.
No one knows what one's doing.
Expression is a duty, not a right.
Don't worry about combining rules 1 and 4; just go with it.

Fear is real. It's inside me, now, as I write. It's about an inch in diameter. It's exact position is unknown, but, often times it's a projection; it hovers just below the top of the back of my neck, outside my body yet still a part of me, or in the invisible sphere that extends from the curve below my Adam's apple to the base of my neck. There is a transparent, dark-blue-near-violet-tinged force field surrounding it, constraining its expanse; it's about the size of a grapefruit, pressing on the fear from all sides, forcing its shape and size; the fear is discrete, solid, dark purple, and cannot be made smaller.

I like to watch it; it oscillates sometimes, or moves by chance. Without the force field, the fear would fall and shatter like a glass ball dropped from 327 feet, cutting into me, into me, forcing me to sit. Sometimes I hold it with both hands, shaking it like a snow globe to see what it will do. It spins and sways, gurgles, bubbles. I put it in my pocket, and it's light. It's mine.

After a short tango on Wednesday, I was told that I was becoming quite a good dancer. I said thank you. Another said she loves dancing with me. Hil-arious. Not that I disagree; in fact I love dancing with her, too; it's a riot, and we know it.

I started to swing in late June, out of obligation to my self; I wasn't going to die without having danced, first. A wedding in September -- surely an opportunity to dance -- merely provided the excuse to go through with it.

I had no idea what I was doing, but that's part of the point. You're with someone, on the floor, and that's all there is. You can't mess up; just have fun. Just dance.

Energy

2007-09-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'm teeming with potential at this moment. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Let's do it. Let's go. Let's fucking do something amazing and worthwhile, climbing out of this mud that we've been stuck in for years. These thoughts are fleeting, I know, but now they have a sense of permanence. I wish I could scream and all my passion would be conveyed -- a futile effort, likely.

We've given up everything, as if we held something at all. We're in China. Now what. The emptiness is there, the excitement of the moment gone, as we long nostalgically for yesterday, for what we felt in that moment. Daydreaming, we begin to sink again. There's a certain excitement about being homeless -- the feeling of being more alive; at least for a week. A warm bed is all we want, we say, to be happy, to keep us from the rain, hail, wind and loneliness. What better is it compared to what we have -- our passion and our courage, our lives.

Still, I am restless. If I think hard enough, there will be peace in the form of full-on, overwhelming life. As if this isn't life. As if there is something more real inside of me, trying (not very hard) to escape and exist. I hold on to the familiar, to my home, to my work, for no-more stronger a reason than why I like orange juice -- perhaps for a weaker reason.

Remember when we went to China? Wasn't it perfect?

The end of the world is near. It always is. Such are the times we live in, the same as our friends of the past have contemplated, have shared with their old friends. It's our turn to share what they've thought, through our mouths. Perhaps I love you. Perhaps it doesn't matter. Perhaps we're all that is beautiful in this world and poets of the future and poets of the past will write of us while clutching their hearts, cursing their useless pens.

Let's just keep singing.

Transparency

2007-07-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

I believe the kindest thing you can do for a human being is to be honest with him. Be honest, be transparent and share your opinion. In my experience, people usually take honesty well -- they can handle it, despite my reservations. When I withhold honesty, it's because I don't trust my audience's judgment.

To paraphrase Camus, every dishonest act, every misleading or false opinion, over time, leads to death; in order to minimize the cruelty of this world, to refuse adding to the sum of all evil things, it is our duty to be honest.

I can write those words, and in most cases I believe in them. However, there are many times when I refuse to offer the truth, despite my conscious efforts to expose the truth. Ironically, this refusal occurs in my most-treasured relationships -- or, rather, in my relationships that are on the cusp between treasured and congenial. The word for that is cowardly, and today I am a coward.

In all cases, or if not all then most, once I open my mouth to speak, I am no longer a coward, before I even articulate my intent. In my view, this simple act of deciding to speak is the widest chasm to cross. It is also the most noble, the most courageous, and the most reasonable act. Although, I write this without justifiable reason; I take Camus' word for it -- a crime of philosophy, perhaps, but a practical starting point; Camus spent untold days grappling with such views, and it will take me untold more to form a basis upon which I can stand with my own novel (should I be so fortunate!) viewpoint.

I am committing such a non-transparent act in this mere blog entry. I am not mentioning a specific instance where I've been too cowardly to speak my mind. On the other hand, it is not my position to broadcast a person's name over the Internet (or upon whatever medium this is published in the future (ha!)). This blog is my own, and it is my public forum for associating thoughts with my name, but others' thoughts are their own, and they can decide whether they want to claim them by name. I am comfortable should you, dear reader, choose to broadcast my name in any honest fashion.

So, is there a limit to transparency? I'm forced to say yes, as evidenced by what I said above. However, this will eventually lead to death, apparently -- I don't see how. I can say for myself that I choose openness, that what encapsulates my thoughts is transparent, and that the curious need only to inquire. But, I believe everyone must make a similar choice for himself, and to choose openness for another human being is a way of force that I cannot justify (as force can so very rarely be justified).

But, when I am asked for my opinion, you will receive it, in kind. To sugarcoat it or make it politically correct is only to disrespect. At the same time, vulgarity and sarcasm are not the same as honesty; to be honest one must articulate unambiguously (which may involve ambiguity), and this takes many iterations and concentrated work. Because of this inherent difficulty, I hold it to be the greatest compliment one can give.