Greenfoley

Alexis!

2012-12-08T01:15:00.002-05:00

I have been a bad aunt and haven't done an Alexis update in so long! She is doing GREAT :) Recently passed her hearing test and also her bloodwork, urine tests and scans are still coming back completely clear and her scans are being pushed out from every three months to every six months. :) She will be 4yrs old here in a few months, here's the little superstar the day of her scans in November...

Thanks all for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes, jingles, whatever you have sent her way :)

Doctors and lack of communication

2011-06-30T00:24:00.000-04:00

On May 17th we went to see a new doctor for my annual and to discuss our fertility journey. I wasn't horribly pleased with the outcome of the visit even though I really liked the dr herself, I just didn't feel confident that we were making a whole lot of forward progress as far as checking to see what was going on. She gave us a prescription for Clomid and wanted me to have some bloodwork done. Beyond that my instructions were to use opk's to confirm ovulation and...well that was it. Beyond a vague gameplan of what we were overall doing (get an egg, have somewhere for it to go and something to fertilize it with) that was it. I came away hoping the round of Clomid did it's job and we got pregnant so I wouldn't have to try to figure out what to do next.

At the time of the appointment AF was already a few days late. I came back in for bloodwork on the 23rd and still no sign of AF. Finally she reared her ugly head on the 26th which was cycle day 46, longer than any cycle I had had in quite a while. I had not yet heard back the results of the bloodwork so I called the clinic and said I wanted to check on the results of my bloodwork, wanted the dr to know that my cycle had been 46 days long and if that information, along with anything in the bloodwork, indicated a different gameplan than starting Clomid on the 29th. The nurse (or receptionist or whoever called me back) pulled up my chart, said the dr had "signed off" off on my bloodwork and therefor, yes, go ahead and start the Clomid.

Well the Clomid did it's job. I had some pretty big hot flashes for 4 of the 5 days I was on it and, right on schedule, the opk's agreed with my temps regarding ovulation and I even had ovulation cramps! First of all this was my first positive opk EVER and also my clearest temperature shift. We were stoked! We did what was necessary and then waited the most agonizing two weeks (my first official 2ww ever since I've never had any signs of ovulation, therefore no specific time period of "this could be it"). My temps climbed and climbed for 12 days, then started dropping and AF showed up right on time. :(

Sean and I talked about what to do next and decided to go ahead with round two of the Clomid and see if maybe we should get an appointment for near the end of the cycle to either confirm pregnancy or discuss where to go from here. This was a few days ago. I started the Clomid on Monday.

Today is Wednesday. This morning I awoke at 8:30 to my phone ringing. It was the clinic, calling to inform me that the bloodwork I had done showed a sky high dhea level "which is common with pcos" (wtf?? I was under the impression that, other than symptoms, nothing was pointing at pcos?? When exactly did pcos come back into the picture??) and that the dr wanted me to come in for another bloodwork to recheck and, if it's still elevated, schedule a ct scan of my adrenal gland.

Now I am not the most with it person on the planet when you wake me up and all I could do was pretty much nod and grunt. It wasn't until well after I got off the phone that my brain woke up and had some questions.

#1 WHY THE FUCK DID IT TAKE A MONTH TO TELL ME MY BLOODWORK SHOWED A PROBLEM??? ***ESPECIALLY*** since said problem is something I mentioned in the original appointment had shown up on previous bloodwork but it hadn't gotten any attention AND I CALLED IN TO ASK ABOUT THE RESULTS OF MY BLOODWORK??? Why wasn't I told THEN that something was off and further testing needed to be done?

#2 Back to the pcos. The nurse on the phone implied I had pcos so this elevated dhea level was no surprise. I have never been diagnosed with pcos. In fact we specifically discussed at the appointment that while I have classic symptoms of pcos, no testing had shown any indications of it at all and that she would be specifically checking the bloodwork results for indications and I was sent home with the prescription for Clomid to take "unless the bloodwork showed signs of pcos in which case we would go in a different direction".

So after stewing on it today and talking to Sean tonight, tomorrow I need to call the clinic and find out what the hell is actually going on. I was not happy about starting the Clomid to begin with, I am so NOT pleased at the possibility of having started it not only once but am half way through the second round, if something else is awry that makes the Clomid pointless at this time. I hate doctors. Why couldn't my body just do it's fucking job and get pregnant so I didn't have to deal with them.

New Blog and more

2011-06-29T23:53:00.000-04:00

I started a separate blog for my knitting. I think I will probably also separate out the posts on this blog a bit by interest...maybe. I am working on organizing my life a bit and am finding that compartmentalizing things a bit more tends to keep me on track a little more.

I set up a Facebook page to discuss being crunchy, infertile and lots of other parenting things. Look me up, the page is The Crunchy Infertile.

I started the knitting blog, simply called Greenfoley Knits. I know, imaginative, eh? I have posted a few times and intend to at least attempt to keep up with my knitting and other crafting endeavors on there.

I know I got sidetracked on the circumcision posts but I found that the circumcision fight has been stressing me out pretty badly and decided that, for the sake of my sanity and in the interest of reducing the amount of stress in my world I decided I need to take a break from the debates and, subsequently, the researching for the posts. I still read a little here and there and still spread the word where I can in hopes of saving more baby boys but I have left the debates and fights alone. I haven't even been going to the pages and forums where the debates take place. If the question pops up on FB asking views, I state mine and move on, I don't even usually come back to check on the thread because I simply can't handle it. Not right now. I have enough trouble keeping my sanity through this infertility journey, I simply can't handle the overwhelming emotions that the circumcision debates fuel in me. I can't. So to the little boys out there who's parents might have had their mind changed had I been involved, I am sorry.

Circumcision - "It's necessary for health reasons"

2011-05-16T16:33:00.002-04:00

It is certainly worthwhile to note that the majority of the world does not routinely circumcise infant boys. In fact the USA is the only country that circumcises infant boys for non-religous reasons. The couple of other countries with higher (higher in general, USA has the higest circumcision rates) circumcision rates, infants are only circumcised for religious reasons and often boys are cut when they are older either as a coming of age ritual, for religious reasons or at puberty for the supposed std benefits. If the foreskin caused as many problems as pro-circ'ers claim, why are 80% of the men elsewhere in the world intact and perfectly happy to be so?

Supposed health benefits to circumcision -

A decreased risk of urinary tract infections.

This is actually close to the opposite of the truth. One major function of the foreskin is to protect the glans from infection by both covering the glans and by producing smegma which has antibacterial properties. By removing the foreskin, this shield is removed and bacteria has easier access to the urinary tract.
The majority of urinary tract infections are easily treatable with antibiotics or natural remedies
Females have much higher rates of uti's than do males across the board, any age group, whether males are cut or intact (the exception being that circumcised infant boys have a much higher rate of uti than males of any other age or females of any age - it is generally accepted that this is due to the trauma to the penis during surgery, general infections to the surgery site contaminating the diaper and that the boys "grow out of it" once their body adjusts to no longer having the foreskin as protection). Going back to the "cleaner" post, our solution for women is not to cut up their genitals, why should this be the answer for men?
The commonly quoted statistic is that uti's occur in 0.1% of males and that circumcision "prevents" one percent of uti's. This means that for every 1,000 boys, circumcision is said to prevent 11. So we cut off 989 foreskins for no good reason because the 11 we "saved"

#1 may never have gotten a uti to begin with had his foreskin been left in place to protect him
#2 could have been treated with much less drastic measures than amputation

A reduced risk of sexually transmitted diseases in men.

IMO all the arguments both supporting and debunking research and studies regarding std/hiv rates in circumcised vs. intact males is COMPLETELY irrelevant. I know of no newborn boy out screwing around, contracting and passing std's on to their partners. If a young man is too irresponsible to use protection when he comes of age and chooses to believe that getting circumcised is going to protect him, I fully support his decision to get cut at that time. Until then this argument is irrelevant.
(for those of you who may be tempted to argue the "It's better when cut as an infant" please hold that thought and save it for the next installment of this series)

Protection against penile cancer and a reduced risk of cervical cancer in female sex partners.

Obviously removing the foreskin will prevent cancer of the foreskin but it does not prevent cancer of the penis in general
Penile cancer statistics are pretty even among circumcised vs. intact men
Penile cancer is more rare than male breast cancer - do we remove mammary tissue from infant boys to prevent future breast cancer?

Breast cancer in males is minuscule compared to breast cancer in women - do we remove mammary tissue in infant girls to prevent future breast cancer?

Cervical cancer in female partners - see above section on std's.

Prevention of balanitis (inflammation of the glans) and balanoposthitis (inflammation of the glans and foreskin).
and
Prevention of phimosis (the inability to retract the foreskin) and paraphimosis (the inability to return the foreskin to its original location).

Both of these are legitimate problems. However

They are treatable with much less extreme measures than amputation
They are rare to the point that, in countries that do not regularly circumcise, less than 2% of males experience problems so severe that circumcision is deemed necessary.

It is also worthwhile to note that these problems, as well as the ever popular "infections" that are cited as reasons to circumcise baby boys, are caused by

Forcible retraction

As mentioned in the "It's Cleaner" post, at birth the foreskin is fused to the glans much like the fingernail is fused to the finger. As the boy grows up, his foreskin should naturally release anywhere between 2yrs to puberty. If forced apart before ready, many problems occur including balantitis, balanoposthitis, phimosis, adhesions, infections, damage to the foreskin which certainly might only be fixed by surgeries down the line and sexual dysfunction in adulthood.

Improper hygiene

A boy who does not wash is going to have problems whether he is intact or cut. Teaching him to wash is the best solution. Once he is old enough to decide for himself, if he would rather have his foreskin amputated than wash it, I think he's slightly messed up but, hey, it's his body, it's his choice.

Next up - "It's better to have it done while they are infants than to have to do it as an adult"

Circumcision - "It's cleaner"

2011-05-15T19:16:00.001-04:00

One of the most common reasons given for circumcising or supporting circumcision is "It's cleaner". To me this is a big cop out.

This is like admitting at birth that you intend to not teach your son to wash his penis.

During infancy an intact penis has the foreskin fused to the glans like your fingernail is fused to your finger. Sure, if someone (and there are misinformed doctors, nurses and others who may try to do this - it is your job as a parent to be informed enough and paying enough attention to stop them) forcibly retracts the foreskin before it is ready then there will be many many issues, but as long as the foreskin is fused, no special care is needed.

"When intact, do not retract"
"Only clean what is seen"

I know I would rather care for an intact penis that you wash like a finger than to deal with fresh and healing wounds in a diaper - even after initial healing parents must continue to closely monitor the surgery site to prevent adhesions forming which will need medical care to fix, possibly even another surgery (or two or three or....my cousin mentioned he recently had to have some adhesions removed that were forming - he is over 40yrs old!)
Once the foreskin naturally releases (can happen anytime from age 2-adolescence) and is able to retract, all that is needed is to retract, rinse and replace to keep clean.

I can't speak for this one, not having had a brother, grown up with boys nor have a boy of my own but many moms respond to "teaching son to wash penis" with a laugh, saying "Yeah, TRY to get a young boy to ignore his penis, especially in the shower"
Don't all penis' need washing? A great quote I heard recently - "If he's having hygiene issues from not washing his penis, he probably doesn't wash his ass either"

Do we pull their teeth to prevent tooth decay? Do we cut off their ears to prevent having to wash behind them? Why is washing the penis so difficult that it's better to cut off part of it than wash it? I DON'T UNDERSTAND??

Girls have more folds and crevices to keep clean and yet no one is lobbying for baby girls to get trimmed up for cleanliness issues, why is that (please note, I am not suggesting we do so).

Also try mentioning that women smell because of these folds and see how popular you are, why is it ok to say that about men???

I'm pretty sure I had more points but, so as not to overwhelm anyone, I will stop here. Feel free to comment!

Circumcision

2011-05-15T16:45:00.001-04:00

Back in 2007 when Sean and I first got together and were talking about someday having kids, we naturally were talking about the kind of parents we wanted to be and our views on different aspects of parenting. Our conversation was almost a word association type conversation in which we basically just brought up a subject, said whether we were for or against or whatever and on to the next one. Since we agreed on about everything there wasn't much actual discussion, just agreement of views. Breastfeeding? Yep. Natural birth? As natural as you want. Vaccines? Nope. Spanking? Nope. Circumcision? Nope. Schooling? Ok so that one's not really yes or no and I actually don't think we talked about it in that conversation. That one has morphed around a bit and we are somewhere between homeschooling and unschooling in our thoughts at this point although we obviously have plenty of time so work that one out since we can't even manage to get pregnant yet.

One thing I am grateful of on this journey of infertility is that it has given me time to learn so much about the parent I want to be. While I haven't really changed my beliefs too much, I think the last 3 years of reading and learning has solidified some views and loosened others. I think I won't be stumbling around as a new mom quite as much as I would have been had we gotten pregnant as soon as we started trying. I never thought of myself as afraid of controversy or of being a person who would perhaps falter under the pressure of people with dissenting views but I know now that I think I *would* have had some problems standing up for what I believe in for my child. I now know that I am strong enough to stand up for myself and my child and to defend, if needed, my views on parenting.

One point of view that has sort of changed has been my views on circumcision. At the time of that conversation I knew I didn't want *my* son circumcised, but was of the "It's up to the parents" mindset. The more I have learned over the last few years, and the last few months in particular, I no longer believe it should be up to the parents. It should be up to HIM. It's HIS penis, what right does anyone, even a parent, have to cut part of it off? Why is this cosmetic surgery acceptable when any other cosmetic surgery for an infant illegal?

Well, I didn't want to go into it hard and heavy in this post. I actually meant for this post to be a short intro for a series of posts in which I am going to talk about the different reasons parents decide to circumcise their son(s). I can't promise to be nice and I am certainly aware that not everyone is going to agree. My intent in doing this series is NOT to attack, belittle or judge parents who have circumcised their boys, but rather to make them think about the pros, cons, benefits, risks and ramifications of this surgery before they make that decision again. After all, the vast majority of parents want to be good parents and want to do what's best for their child. I honestly believe that and believe that the majority of parents who circumcise do so because they honestly believe it is the best decision. I am all about making educated choices whether your choice agrees with mine or not. For most things, in parenting and in life, I will support a person's choice whether I think it's the right choice or not, as long as it's an educated choice and not a "going with the flow" choice. I do admit that circumcision is where I draw the line on this simply because, like I stated above, it IS a choice, it SHOULD BE a choice - HIS choice.

So anyways, before I have alienated everyone and also covered enough ground to make the series itself irrelevant, I will shut up now. Keep an eye out for the first installment - "It's Cleaner".

I Would Die for That

2011-05-12T15:47:00.000-04:00

Kellie Coffey's wonderful song and video "I Would Die For That"

Alexis update

2010-11-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

Ok so it took me a few days to get this update up but it's worth the wait!! Alexis got out of picu last Sunday and back to her regular room. She continued to improve throughout the week and on Friday they let her out of the hospital!! She still needs to stick close to the hospital and since they live several hours away they are staying at a hotel close by.

Alexis update

2010-11-10T11:56:00.001-05:00

Directly from the source (Katie)...

Alexis is doing so much better! She was transfered out of picu on Sunday (?) afternoon (the days run together here) and she spent all of yesterday laughing and playing. She is only hooked up to 4 pumps instead of 8 and when she starts eating enough to maintain herself....they're gonna let us out!! :)

Alexis update

2010-11-07T11:44:00.005-05:00

Alexis is feeling better today. She is still very tired but doesn't seem to be in pain. She is starting to eat and drink (barely) and hasn't puked in 4 days!! Her blood counts are coming up very slowly (with some help from transfusions) and she MIGHT get out of picu tomorrow!

Alexis update

2010-11-04T11:39:00.001-04:00

Katie sent me a message a bit ago saying that they are moving Alexis into pediatric intensive care this morning. She is having an issue with retaining fluid and has pneumonia in her right lung. She is on oxygen. Please please please keep praying for her.

New Alexis picture

2010-10-29T12:21:00.000-04:00

Katie just sent me this a few minutes ago...
Michelle - Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Knit by Michelle - fundraising for Alexis

2010-10-28T23:53:00.001-04:00

I am a knitter, I believe I have mentioned this before. I have started making items to sell to help raise money for Katie and her family. I have been making things as people order them but I am thinking of making up one or two special things and setting up an Ebay auction. Since I can only knit so fast I am thinking this has the potential to bring in overall more money for them since individual items bring in some money but a nationwide auction for something like this I think would really have the potential to raise some money. What do you think? Here are a few of the items I have made so far...

Alexis update

2010-10-28T23:16:00.006-04:00

Alexis had her stem cell transplant done on Tuesday. She looks terrible and she sleeps a lot but sometimes she has enough energy to play. That night she patted her bald head and said lotion....apparently her head felt dry! lol!!

Alexis update

2010-10-18T20:34:00.001-04:00

Alexis was admitted to the hospital this morning. Her little brother William was there but will not be able to be there again for quite a while due to her exposure limitations. She starts chemo tomorrow. Her 7th round and this one is the big one to prep her body for the stem cell transplant. She has a new round of doctors now, a new routine and new ways of getting things done. The world is pretty stressful right now, please keep the family in your thoughts and prayers.

Michelle

P.S. I have had several people asking me about sending cards to Alexis. Please email me privately for a mailing address.

Arabian stallion looking for a home

2010-10-16T16:14:00.002-04:00

NO NOT MARQUIS!!

Ok now that THAT is clear lol.

Firdausi is 14 years old. He's a Straight Egyptian Arabian stallion. He is by Zedann and out of Malkata (after you click on her name, scroll down to view her photo), here is his full pedigree He was bred to Desert Suez 5 times. Pictures below are two of his babies.

Be aware there is some drama involving Firdausi. He is owned by a friend and being taken care of by another friend. They are no longer friends and there is much animosity between the two now. Most people have not wanted to deal with the drama in order to get this nice stallion. He is worth it. His owner, his original breeder and his caretaker all agree he needs to be moved sooner rather than later for the sanity of all involved so hopefully all the drama can be put aside and ignored for his sake. He deserves to be somewhere where he is loved. Is that with you? If so contact me and I will put you in touch with all involved parties. Firdausi is located in California. Firdausi found a home, thanks.

Racism

2010-10-15T18:54:00.001-04:00

Does racism still exist? Of course it does, it is alive and well, unfortunately. I am not talking about immigration issues, whether this person or that person should be allowed into or to remain in our country. That's a whole different topic from what I am talking about. Please note I didn't say it's not related and I didn't say it's not relevant nor important, just that that's not what I want to talk about today.

I am talking about flat out, my skin is white and yours is not so therefore you are less of a person than I am, racism. It is there. It is one of the most frustrating things to ever exist. There are still KKK out there, plotting how to rid the world of those they feel are inferior to them. How sad.

Just as sad is the fact that as horrible as direct racism is, it is damaging not only in the immediacy of it, but also damages the psyche of those it effects and it carries long term damage. People who have been exposed to racism are hurt by it and their outlook on life is also hurt by it and how they interact with others is affected by both direct and indirect racism.

To be clear, it is no secret I am white. Clear and through as far as I know, I have no black relatives, I grew up in a lily white town and remember it was big news in my senior year when we had a black family move in to town and their two kids joined our school. As an adult I have dated black guys, I was engaged to one. I lived in his world and was introduced to racism first hand both in the general sense and directly as I am sure many are aware of the abuse that can be directed at those who align themselves with targets, so to speak. But no matter what I saw and heard, no matter that I used to live in a "rough" part of town, no matter that I was raised by a cultural anthropologist that taught me to be aware of those who are different from us, embrace their differences and to look with open eyes to be aware of those who hate because of those differences, I am still a white girl and will never be able to fully understand the evils of racism and what it really means to live in the face of extreme racism.

Having said that and getting back to my original point. I find it incredibly sad that there is still enough racism in this country and in the minds of people that a person, either through conditioning brought on by direct exposure to racism or by indirectly being taught about racism, is so conditioned that racism is out there, when slighted for anything, their first inclination is to holler racism.

For example I was shopping at Goodwill a couple of weeks ago. It was approaching closing time and those of us in the store were getting up to the register to check out. There were shelves of smaller items close to the register and two older black ladies, myself and a hispanic woman around my age were all taking turns looking at the stuff on these shelves. The cashier was neatening racks nearby and when she saw us all up there, came up to the register and asked if anyone was ready to check out. The hispanic lady and I said no not yet, the one black lady had wandered off and the other indicated she was waiting for her friend to be ready. So the cashier stood there for a bit, asked again if anyone was ready, got no response and went back to the rack she was working on. As she was walking away, the second black lady came back to the register and, to her friend, said "What, is she not going to wait on us or something?". They continued to complain to each other about the announcement that the store was closing ("I wear a watch, I know what time it is"), that the cashier was not there, etc. One aggressively banged the bell on the counter DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING.

The cashier poked her head out from an aisle and said she would be right there. In the couple of minutes it took her to get up there, they continued to rail about it. When the cashier returned, she was followed closely by the other cashier, a young man. The ladies huffed at each other and one asked the cashier "So are YOU going to ring me up or do you need HIM to do it?" The cashier looked slightly confused and said she thought she could handle it. The first lady put her couple of things on the counter, said she wasn't buying them after all. Her friend did the same thing and as they stomped to the door they chattered to each other about how the cashier was racist and had to go get a man to come protect her from the black people.

After they left we all just looked at each other and the cashier said that in actuality she HAD gone to get him - because there was also a man in the store (that left as the ladies were putting their items on the counter) and the last time that man was in the store he had been harassing the cashier and making lewd comments to her. As she was checking me out, she told the hispanic lady behind me that she was again sorry for having taken the lady's cart away while she was in the restroom. The lady jokingly said that the cashier had only done that because she was hispanic. We all laughed, I gathered my stuff and left as she checked out. As I was getting in my car, the two black ladies were just driving away and one screamed out the window at me "REDNECK RACIST BITCH". Now whether she was talking to me or just at the store itself I can't be sure, if at me why? Because I continued with my purchases? If I had thought the ladies were being discriminated against, I would have joined them in declining my purchases. Was it just because I was there? Because I was white? I don't know but either way it only saddened me further.

I feel so sorry for those ladies that either they have experienced so much racism that it is just expected and the only logical explanation for anything that goes wrong in their day or that they have been raised to believe it regardless of how much racism they have directly experienced (I am a realist enough to believe it highly unlikely that they have NEVER experienced racism).

A woman I know, we will call her Matilda, is extremely racist. Matilda's significant other is even worse. He might be Klan, it wouldn't surprise me a bit, I know he knows Klan members. I know this because about 8 or 9 years ago when him and my mom worked together, my uncle was mugged up in Michigan. The boys who did it were black and this guy asked my mom if she wanted him to hook her up with some Klan members to hunt those boys down. Thankfully he no longer works there (was fired after physically threatening my mom but that's another story) but Matilda and my mom are friends despite her racist attitude. And racist she certainly is. Back when I was dating Frankie, mom hated him. I had never dated a black guy before and her and I both thought that racism was in fact raising it's ugly head in our home. It turned out mom hated him for HIM, not because he was black.

Anyways, at the time Matilda certainly helped fuel mom's hatred of him in many ways and helped her in trying to break us up simply because Matilda believes it is absolutely, 100% morally wrong to date outside your own ethnicity (I personally HATE the word "race" as we are all the human race, I know most people consider it to be correct and whether it is or not, I can't bring myself to use it). I guess whether you believe that or not is 100% the issue as much as WHY you believe it or not. Some people believe in "breeding pure" in order to preserve ethnic blood and values and such. It's not that they think any less of others, it's just a matter of being true to your own people I guess. I can see the logic in that I suppose. I don't necessarily agree with it in the way of telling others what to do but if that's what you believe I can't really fault you for following through on it. That's not Matilda's train of thought though. She honestly, 100% believes that white people are superior and that we should not "lower ourselves" to date anyone else. The very idea of it actually sickens her. That sickens me. That level of hatred for other humans. I just can't comprehend and don't understand.

I think that's what gets me the most, what is at the heart of it. Hatred. Why do we so often need to hate SOMEBODY. So many people just seem to need that and I don't understand it. Perhaps it comes down to self love? Maybe Dan at Single Dad Laughing knows. He hasn't talked about racism specifically but he is all about loving each other and trying to make the world a better place by eliminating hatred and the things hatred feeds. Let's join him, shall we?

*edited to clarify that it is not my mom who is horrifically racist*

Alexis update

2010-10-14T23:51:00.002-04:00

Alexis will be admitted on Monday for stem cell transplant. It will be minimum of 6 weeks in the hospital with many rules and precautions as her immune system will be completely wiped out. This is a risky time for her. If you could, please keep her in prayers, thoughts or well wishes, whatever your faith prompts you to do. She will also be undergoing immuno therapy for 9ish months so even though she is in remission, her road to recovery is still a long one. For more information on Alexis please see the previous post Alexis.

Infertility

2010-10-11T14:42:00.003-04:00

Sean and I decided in Spring 2008 that we would stop trying to prevent getting pregnant. We weren't going to full on try yet but just "not try not to". By August we were ready to move on to "trying". Two years later we are still trying. After one visit to a women's clinic to rule out thyroid issues and pcos, both of which I was possibly showing symptoms of, I was given a clean bill of health and a bill once it was determined that my insurance doesn't even cover TALKING about fertility issues, let alone actually doing any fertility treatments. Since then we have just plugged along, living our lives and doing what we can on our own to boost fertility chances, hoping that it will happen.

We have talked about fertility treatments. We are naturally minded people who do not go the doctor, do not take drugs or medications unless it is absolutely necessary, we eat as organic and sustainable as we can. We abhor the thought of drugs and procedures and tests and...some say we just don't want to be parents badly enough. My mother actually had the nerve to say it that bluntly to me and then acted like she couldn't figure out why I started crying, hung up the phone on her and wouldn't talk to her for a few weeks. I finally had to break the ice and talk to her again, it wasn't worth losing my mom over but she has never so much as apologised to me. We don't talk about my infertiliy anymore and that upsets me greatly as my mom is one of my best friends and I thought I could talk to her about anything.

Anyways.

I struggle with the fertility treatment issue. It's not just the drug thing or the doctor thing. Our insurance covers nothing as I stated above, I had to pay for the freaking thyroid test because I mentioned messed up cycles as one possible symptom of thyroid problems. We are not rich. We aren't poor, but we aren't rich. We are working very hard to be debt free. We are in gazelle intensity mode. We don't have thousands of dollars to put towards medical treatments. Sure we could get a loan or put it on credit cards but that is what we are trying to get away from, debt. Not that a baby wouldn't be worth it. If the fertility treatments even worked. Did you know that 1 in 5 women with fertility problems never carry a child to term? Regardless of fertility treatments? That's appalling. Scary. So I could go against everything we believe, dig us so far into debt we may never climb out, pump myself full of drugs that will do who knows what to me only to end up 5-10-15 years down the road and still not have a baby. Part of me is willing to take the risks. Sell everything. Borrow what we can. Charge the rest. Anything.

I just want to be a mom.

This isn't me but I found it on Youtube and thought I would share it.

Alexis

2010-10-10T23:25:00.008-04:00

This is Alexis

She is my baby sister Katie's daughter. Alexis was born 2/7/2009. In May of 2010 she was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma, a rare form of aggressive cancer in children.Most of the summer of 2010 was spent at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan as she underwent round after round of chemo, developed c-diff, an infection of the digestive system, and was in and out of isolation.

In September she went through her 6th round of chemo. Afterward she had an MIBG scan to see how much of the cancer remained - it came back CLEAR, SHE IS IN REMISSION!!!! She still has to go through an intensive round of chemo followed by a stem cell transplant and 9ish months of immunotherapy since neuroblastoma is so hard to kill completely and comes back very easily.

Please keep my baby sister, her daughter and the rest of her family in your prayers. Also keep an eye out for updates, they will all be labeled "Alexis" and I will add links at the bottom of this post when I update as well.

Update 10/14: http://greenfoley.blogspot.com/2010/10/alexis-update.html

Update 10/18: http://greenfoley.blogspot.com/2010/10/alexis-update_18.html

Update 10/28: http://greenfoley.blogspot.com/2010/10/alexis-update_28.html

Update 11/4: http://greenfoley.blogspot.com/2010/11/alexis-update.html

Update 11/7: http://greenfoley.blogspot.com/2010/11/alexis-update_07.html

Update 11/10: http://greenfoley.blogspot.com/2010/11/alexis-update_10.html

Eating habits

2010-07-06T15:34:00.002-04:00

Ok I am fat and I eat too much, I know that. But that's not what this post is about. This is about wierd things involving food. Like a certain way of eating some foods and a complete neurosis about some foods touching other foods. I know I am not the only one who is wierd about things touching but sometimes I feel like a complete moron when I am grossed out by things.

SYRUP

Syrup should not touch hardly anything out there. I am completely wierded out by this. Things quickly become slimy when contaminated by syrup. Eggs, bacon, sausage, probably lots of other things too. Syrup should really only touch bread type foods that can completely absorb the syrup. Pancakes and waffles and french toast. That's it. I can't think of anything else that it's ok for syrup to touch.

Ok so I am too scatterbrained right now to remember the other examples I was thinking of when I decided to write this post but it's wierd how I have to analyze my meals to make sure certain foods don't touch other certain foods.

The other thing that gave me the idea for this post was how I eat grapefruit. Now I guess I can't say that I actually know how others eat grapefruit, but I always imagine that if anyone watched me eat grapefruit they would think I was off my rocker.

It starts off normal, either peeling it like an orange and pulling apart the sections or quartering it. Here's where it gets odd. I CANNOT eat the membranes around the sections so I must carefully peel the membrane off of one side and eat the pulp out without breaking the pulp and getting all juicy.

Yum. I'm going to finish my grapefruit now.

More on ADD and me

2010-07-05T20:41:00.003-04:00

Ok so I have been doing a little more reading (reading blogs, reading about supplements, researching) and took a test -

Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz

You scored a total of 96

It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.

S C O R I N G K E Y
If you scored... You may have...
70 & up Adult ADHD
50 - 69 Moderate ADHD
35 - 49 Mild ADHD
25 - 34 Borderline ADHD
0 - 24 No ADHD likely

Soooo...yeah. Not a professional diagnoses but another key to the puzzle that is my brain. Now to figure out what to do about it.

I must be ADD

2010-07-04T23:07:00.004-04:00

So a few years ago I read something that made me suspect I might have been ADD for most of my life. What it was I have no idea but I did some reading after that and decided that it really fit. I didn't, however, do anything about it other than periodically say to myself "Yep, I have GOT to be ADD".

I have spent the last few nights reading a blog and she mentions periodically that she has ADD. Tonight I read her post about ADD and consequently followed links to other blogs about being ADD and now I have 15,000 web pages/tabs open, all which feel like these people, both the bloggers themselves and the many, many people commenting, are living inside my head. Especially...I was going to....now I need to...STOP.

Sorry.

Part of the reason I haven't done very many blog posts is not so much that I can't think of anything to write about or think of anything to say, it's the fact that I always have so much running through my brain in such a disjointed mess that trying to pick a topic and actually stick to one train of thought long enough to write a post feels impossibly overwhelming the majority of the time.

One person mentioned something about ADD people talking too much or something. I tend to be the opposite. Since I have trouble forming complete thoughts I just keep my trap shut. I guess the saying my grandma had hanging in one of the spare bedrooms when I was a child made an impression on me. It said "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". I have heard variations of that saying many times throughout my life but the first was an old, weathered looking yellowish plaque that in my mind I can still see hanging on the wall.

It's one reason I have never enjoyed arguing or debating. I HATED the debate portion of my public speaking class even more than I hated the public speaking class to begin with. Even with notes in front of me (and who has those during a real life argument?) I can't keep track of the argument. Half the time I can't keep track of my own side of the argument, let alone be able to process and appropriately react to the other side. I have been known to start an argument on one side of the fence, lose track of what the conversation is about, follow my train of thought and end up finishing the conversation thinking I did good. A few minutes later the realization hits that somewhere in there I switched trains and ended up arguing the wrong side of the conversation. This is where my ability to see both sides of an argument gets me into trouble, I can literally talk myself into changing my mind. Very annoying.

I am going to go do some more reading and see if I can figure out any way to maybe make a difference in myself. I don't know if it's ADD or high functioning autism (which I have also had reason to suspect), at times I have thought perhaps manic depression or bi-polar. There's definitely something going on and I'm having a hard time with it again.

It's why I am having such a hard time at work, I get so overwhelmed feeling and frustrated. The stupid thing is that I was reprimanded for getting too stressed out by the customers but what I was unable to say at the time was that it really isn't the customers themselves that stress me out so bad. They can be difficult and frustrating, sure but mostly they are fine. It's simply the fact that the phones never freaking shut up. Ok not never, but when we get a rush going and I hang up the phone and before I can even get my screens set back to be ready for the next call it's already ringing again and I get apprehensive even after being there for almost 3 years and being GOOD at my job I still get super nervous sometimes that WHAT IF I don't have a clue how to help this person. It does happen but not that often. Well, no, actually now that I am on tech support it happens much more regularly which is part of why I get so stressed when I see it's a tech support call. I have never felt so stupid in my life as I have since I started having to do tech support.

Ugh sorry about that. This was not supposed to be a post about work, I don't even like talking about work. I let my mouth get away from me several years ago about a job I had and it haunts me to this day how it turned out. As a rule I don't let myself talk about work like this. Maybe I should just delete the whole last paragraph. Let me read it and see what I said, then I will decide.....Ok well I guess I didn't say anything bad, but I will not say anything more.

Anyways, what I was saying when I went off on a tangent about work is that things have been good for quite a while now but lately I feel like I am struggling more and more with myself, trying to keep things under control and not doing a very good job of it. I can't seem to be the person I really want to be, not just in how I think but the control I have over what I do. I am so tired all the time but I don't think it has anything to do with needing sleep or actually being tired, I think the stress just overwhelms me and the only way I can get away from it is to sleep. *sigh* I don't know. I need to figure something out, I know, but that in itself is part of the problem. Keeping one train of thought going long enough to figure out what to do. We'll see what I can do.

Here's a couple of the blogs I looked at tonight that rang oh so true to me.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-am-not-drug-addict-so-stop-thinking.html Mostly on the building up nerves about doing stuff, losing track of time and getting nothing done, holy crap is that me. Ask my poor husband. I *want* to do stuff, I *want* to do housework, go to the gym, eat good, but somehow it just all ends up out the window and leaving me sitting there wondering what happened to the day.

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/06/23/where-are-my-keys-i-lost-my-phone/ omg yes on the losing shit. Or simply forgetting things. I rarely make it anywhere with everything I intended to take with me. I have been known to get a bag of stuff ready to take to work with me, HANG IT ON THE DOOR KNOB, have to TOUCH it to open the door to leave and yet still manage to make it out of the house without it.

http://isabelthespy.tumblr.com/post/704496674/add-is - uhhh, just yeah.

http://the-xtina.livejournal.com/1544665.html - Yeah, again, losing and forgetting shit gets OLD.

I want to blog!

2010-07-04T12:56:00.003-04:00

So do so, right? I know, lame. But hey.

So I ran across this blogger the other day -

She is so funny! She's really inspiring me to want to blog. Not that I could ever be half as entertaining as her. What I need to do is find some way to get some ideas on what to write about. That's half of my problem. Let me work on that...

2010-06-17T11:02:00.001-04:00

This is an attempt to post to my blog using my phone. Cross your fingers!

ETA:Yippee it worked!! Now I have no excuse not to post every little thought or idea that comes through my head :)

Today's thought - thinking of getting my hair cut and donating to Locks of Love.