Growing Graesen

"Wild" Friday nights

2012-02-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

We have such "wild" Friday nights around here :) Tonight it was Mommy, Graesen, and Walter cat movie night. The movie of choice: "Berenstain Bears" from the library. We sat on the coach (which I covered with a blanket to prevent greasy, popcorn finger stains) and ate excessive amounts of home popped popcorn. I realize that most people would not consider this a good Friday night, but I would trade this mommy-kind of lifestyle for anything :)

You can never have too much paint

2012-02-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

Graesen got a little car painting kit in his stocking for Christmas that I totally forgot about. This afternoon we pulled it out and Graesen went to work. He started out using the paintbrush, but then decided it was easier to get a lot of paint if he used his fingers :)

Of course Graesen needed a bath after painting. I let him have a bubble bath. He has only had a couple in his life, and he thought it was pretty special :)

Tonight Graesen and I went to a get together dinner with the other staff members at my new job. I just have to say that I am so grateful to now be working with such friendly (and Christian) people.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

2012-02-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

The library this afternoon:

Meeting my friends' beautiful baby girl:

Blue

2012-02-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

I love this sweet boy's blue eyes...

Sweetest boy

2012-02-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

Every day I am just amazed at how sweet Graesen is. He is a kid who loves hugs and cuddling, and says, "I love you" out of the blue. He is such a joy and really lifts me up whenever I am feeling down.

I struggle with the idea that Graesen may be only child. I enjoy being his mom so much and always dreamed of a house full of children. I wanted for Graesen to have siblings who could be his lifelong friends. The second Graesen was born I knew I wanted to do it all again, all 20+ hours of labor included. The day Graesen was born was absolutely the best day of my life. I just get so sad when I think that maybe I won't get to do it again. I don't know what God has planned for me. I am trying each day to let go and give God control. And just to clarify, just because my life is difficult right now does not mean in any way that I don't want for others to be blessed. I know many people who are pregnant or getting married and I am so happy that God is blessing them in this way. I love hearing that people are happy. I am the kind of person who almost always chooses happy movies, because I love happy stories. I know that this time in my life is just a season. There will be seasons for celebrating for me too (although only God knows what this will look like).

"I'm a football game"

2012-02-05T17:45:00.001-08:00

Graesen and I went to church this morning, and I had to get pictures of him afterwards. I just love it when he looks nice for church :)

This afternoon Graesen and Phoebe were playing dress up. Phoebe said, "I'm Jasmine!" Graesen said, "I'm a football game!" Clearly, he looks just like a football game :)

A boy and his "motorcycle"

2012-02-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

It was a little warmer today than it has been in a while, so Graesen and I got out to do a little bike riding. Graesen, of course, had to take it up a notch and try a little off-roading. He also decided that riding over snow was a must. He is such a boy!

Sweater love

2012-02-03T23:27:00.000-08:00

My mom knit Graesen a new sweater. I absolutely love it when she does that! Graesen had to model his sweater a little this afternoon. We went for a short run and when the sun started to set we stopped, and I had him take off his coat for a few minutes of pictures.

A sweet treat for the sweetest kid I know

2012-02-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

I went into my new job for some training this morning. It got me excited! This afternoon Graesen and I made some cupcakes.

I have to say I have the sweetest little boy ever. I like to ask Graesen at the end of the day how his day was and what was his favorite part. Tonight he seriously started listing off all the things he did :) Then about an hour later he came up to me and said, "Mommy, how was your day, today?" So cute! I am always in awe at how wonderful Graesen's heart is. He truly loves and gives. I hope he never loses that sweetness.

Museum fun

2012-02-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

This afternoon Graesen, Phoebe, my mom, and I headed to the children's museum. Graesen and Phoebe had so much fun :)

Notice the sparkly shoes from the dress up area Graesen tried on :)

The calm

2012-01-31T23:11:00.000-08:00

Even though life is changing like crazy, today I felt a calm.

The kind of calm that only comes following a storm, and that brings new hope.

Yesterday I had some moments of great fear, but I made a conscious effort to let that go.

There are still a lot of unknowns and a lot of fears, but I learning to give it up to the One who not only knows the road ahead, but created it.

This place of calm is a good place to be.

New job

2012-01-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

Today I met with the director of our church daycare/preschool to talk about the job she offered me. I will have a class of 6-10 kids depending on the day. I had to get a tb test today and once that comes back I can start training. One big surprise I got was that the job comes with full benefits! I did not expect that at all so that was a huge blessing. Also, having looked at the schedule for which days have an opening for Graesen to join the class (I can only have a max of 10 kids per day) I decided that it would be best if Graesen joins me for 2 1/2 days each week. Thursdays and Fridays he will be with me all day since those days have openings. Then he will alternate coming Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons (the afternoon he does not come with me he will go to family or a sitter's-I had to find a schedule that worked with the class openings). Mondays and Tuesday/Wednesday mornings he will be with Evan. This will give him some good time with Evan each work week and he will get to be with me for half of the time I am at work. I am very excited about this job. I think it will be a huge blessing for both Graesen and I. It will be awesome to have my own class and students, and I am so excited for Graesen to experience preschool alongside me.

Tonight Graesen did a little art after dinner. He did some stamping and I'm pretty sure he got more ink on himself than the paper :) That is why he does art without his clothes.

Nice Sunday

2012-01-29T23:07:00.000-08:00

Graesen enjoyed another doughnut after church today. My dad keeps spoiling him :) And I like that he sits still long enough for me to get a picture (even if it's not a good one) in his cute church clothes.

After church my parents took Graesen for a walk while I fit in a quick run. The warmer weather was nice.

This afternoon Graesen stayed with Evan for while so that I could go see "One For the Money" with my mom, two of my aunts, and a family friend. The movie was good, and I hope they make some off of some of the newer books. The first one was actually my least favorite of the books. I feel like each book gets funnier.
Graesen enjoyed some left over popcorn tonight. The kid loves popcorn almost as much as I do:)

Shaving cream train wash

2012-01-28T21:29:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I decided to do something a little fun with Graesen. I put some shaving cream in one bowl and water in another, then got out some bath trains, a toy truck, and a paint brush. I set them up on the table for a little train wash fun. I actually encouraged Graesen to sit up on the table so that he could really get into it and "live it up" :) He loved it. At first he just "cleaned" his toys with the paint brush, but I encouraged him to see what the shaving cream felt like. That's when things got really fun :)

Graesen's new thing is wanting to wear sunglasses when he is tired. If he wants to fall asleep in the car he will ask for his sunglasses. Tonight he fell asleep on the way home from movie night at my aunt's house.

God is good!

2012-01-28T00:12:00.000-08:00

Graesen and I had reason to celebrate tonight.

We went out to share an ice cream (with a gift card I had which really makes it so much sweeter).

And to revel in the fact that God is good!

You see, God answered a huge prayer of mine today. I have been majorly stressed about my financial situation as a single mom, and stressed about leaving Graesen to work more. Today I got a call from the childcare director at my church. She offered me a position as a lead preschool teacher in our church's 2 to 3 year old class! I didn't even know there was a position open. I had applied for a part time assistant teacher position a couple of months ago. I was offered that job, but decided that with me getting a divorce I couldn't afford to take a job with so few hours. I explained my situation and the director was very understanding and kind. Well, I guess this new job just opened up. She said she thought of me and figured she would offer me the job first. This is such a huge blessing. It is a 9-5 weekday job. Graesen can come be a student in my class (for half price), so I will still be getting a lot of time with my little guy! He will continue to spend time with Evan on Mondays and in the mornings, then will join me at school to be one of my students in the afternoon. I go in on Monday to observe the class, talk about the details of the job, and create a training schedule. This job answered my prayers about getting a job, my prayers regarding my worries in leaving Graesen for so many hours each day, and my prayers that I might develop more Christian friendships. God is really, really good!

Wild much?

2012-01-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

I didn't have work today, so Graesen and I headed to story time at the library. Graesen could not sit still for more than a minute, then he would try to run out of the room to see the rest of the library. He did like coloring at the end, but he seems so excited to be there that he has to run around and see everything.

After story time, Graesen spent some time doing puzzles and playing on the computer.

Then it was time for preschool story time, and Graesen's babysitter showed up with her kids. We decided to stay and go to the second story time. Graesen was still rather wild, but really enjoyed the songs and play time at the end.

He does so good sitting still at home to read. Some days he will bring book after book to me to read. Maybe it is just the excitement of the crowd or the different location that make Graesen so hyper during story time? Or maybe it's the fact that he is not in daycare or anything (other than the church nursery) that teaches him how to behave in a classroom type setting? I am thinking we will have to start preschool next year so he can get some practice.

We also went on a quick little walk to try and see the sunset tonight. We drove to a little spot by our house, but we accidentally got there about 15 minutes late :(

Love Bug

2012-01-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

This afternoon Graesen did a little art project. He saw this wooden love bug mask in a dollar bin at a craft store a few weeks ago, so I decided to get it for him. Today he got to decorate it.

He accidentally put the mask on his face backwards and ended up with sparkles and glue all over his face :)

He needed a diaper change when he got done, and since I was about to put him into the bath and didn't want to waste a diaper, I let him wear some boxers he got for Christmas. He thought he was so cool, it was hilarious! He ran/danced around the living room for a long time and kept stopping to check out what he was wearing.

He even tried to do a few pushups :)

"Let me make you some lunch"

2012-01-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Graesen wouldn't eat his lunch today(he's got that whole toddler-doesn't-like-to-eat thing going on), but he did insist on making me some lunch :) Silly boy...

I am really feeling tired this week. Just emotionally and physically worn, so I could really use some prayers for energy and positivity. Thanks :)

His mail

2012-01-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

I missed my little guy so much last night and while I was at work today. I was just counting down the hours until I got to see him again. I had a very rough day for a variety of reasons and I just needed to pick up my little boy and give him a hug. He was so tired this afternoon and wanted to spend a lot of time cuddling :)
Graesen loves his daddy and had a good time with him. However, even though he is not short on love or attention from either parent, this is still a rather confusing time for him. He loves and enjoys his time with both of his parents, but he sometimes asks questions and seems to have a hard time understanding what is going on. One thing that both Evan and I agreed on is doing whatever we can to ensure that Graesen is comfortable and knows that he is very loved. This means allowing Graesen to make phone calls to the parent he is not with if he is starting to ask about them, a book about our love following him wherever he goes, and I even had him make a build-a-bear with my voice in it.
One thing I wanted to try with Graesen to make the transition to this new lifestyle a little smoother is writing notes for him. My sister introduced me to a blog written by a mom who went through a divorce. She said that when her kids started going to overnights with their dad she would write them little notes and leave them on their pillows. It became a special little ritual and a chance for her to let her kids know how much she loves them and looks forward to her time with them. I thought this was a great idea. The more things Evan and I can do to let Graesen know how special and loved he is, the easier this change will be for him. So, last night I wrote a little note for Graesen. I just wrote that I missed him very much and love him. I put it in his mail box (the one we made yesterday) with a hershey's hug (since I had them lying around and should really share them instead of eating them all on my own). I told Graesen to check his mail tonight and he thought that it was so special :) I probably won't put a little treat in there each time, because that is not what it is really about. It is really about me expressing to Graesen how much I love him and enjoy it when he is home. I will probably only do it for overnights so that it continues to be a special surprise for him.
He was really excited about this, but the pictures don't really show it. Poor boy was just so exhausted.

Phoebe and Shawna came over for a little impromptu visit tonight. Graesen and Phoebe decided to play in the toy chest :)

A painful new reality

2012-01-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight Graesen went to have an overnight with Evan for the first time. This is only the second time in his 2 1/2 years that he has been away from me overnight.

I didn't want to let him go. The house seems impossibly empty without him here.

I am sad and angry. It seems so unfair that I am losing so much. I fought through so much pain for the past few years to avoid getting to this point.

I wanted desperately for Graesen to be raised in a family that was whole. I wanted him to see his parents interact in loving ways so that he would know what a beautiful thing marriage can be.

I wanted for Graesen to have one home, not two. I wanted to give him a magical childhood.

I am so tired of loss. I have lost a baby, and the hope of another. I lost a husband, a family that was whole. I lost the ability to stay home with Graesen as much as possible, which means I lost time with Graesen.

I lost an adult presence in the home. I lost my dreams for our family. I lost family from Evan's side. I will be losing a home I worked to make our own. And tonight I grieve the loss of being able to always have my son with me.

I want to rant and rave about the injustice of it all. How from the minute Graesen was just a little heartbeat growing in me, I did everything I could to be the mom he needed and deserved.

And how I feel like I am being punished for actions that were not my own.
I wonder why God chose for me to go through this.

I wonder what it is that makes some people experience these beautiful marriages while I sit alone trying to figure out where to go from here.

I am tired and worn and feel too old for my age.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a less depressing note, here is a bit about our day today:
Graesen loved getting treated to a doughnut at church by my dad:

He also really loved "helping" with the shoveling at my parents' house:

I found a couple of little mailboxes and some stickers in the dollar bins at Target, so we made a little Valentines box for Graesen.

We got one for Phoebe too and Graesen made her her first mail for it.

I made Graesen his first mail for his box.

Tonight I wrote Graesen a little note and left it with a hershey hug in his mailbox for when he gets home tomorrow.

Saturday nights around here

2012-01-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

We have been going to my aunt's house on Saturday nights for dinner and a movie. Graesen just loves it. She has toys for him to play with, so he stays busy while we watch a show.

Tonight the plows came through while we were there, so we went out to do a little shoveling. Graesen, of course, insisted on helping :)

I have a lot I could talk about tonight with what I am thinking/feeling, because I feel like my mind has been racing lately. However, I am way too tired to stay up any longer. Hopefully I can get a decent night's sleep tonight; I need it bad.

Two days of snow and a meltdown

2012-01-20T23:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it snowed all day. We did a little sledding with cousin Phoebe that night and the kids shoveled the yard (because they are helpful like that).

Graesen and I got plowed out of our house. We live on a fairly busy street that gets plowed frequently on snowy days. If we are gone when the plows come through we cannot get into our house. We also cannot park on the street in front of our house, so that isn't an option either. Last night Graesen fell asleep on the way home and we had to park a ways from our house and walk. The cold and snow woke Graesen up and he was not happy. My dad had driven over to help shovel me out in case the plows had come through, so he started shoveling while I got Graesen inside and tried to calm him down. Graesen would almost fall asleep and then wake up fussing/crying every time I tried to head outside to help my dad. I felt so bad and my dad ended up doing all the shoveling on his own. We have a long stretch of sidewalk that has to be shoveled (so that pedestrians don't have to walk on the busy street) and it is quite a job to shovel it all. My dad got done and I hustled to get Graesen and I ready for bed (since he had woken up crying so many times that he was now wide awake). I was supposed to work this morning and I was going to have to be out the door very early due to the roads. 30 minutes after my dad left the plows came through again. All the work he had done was ruined. I just lost it. It was already 9:30 and Graesen would not sleep. I was going to have to either get Graesen down then shovel at night or get up ridiculously early to do it. It seriously probably would have taken me close to 2 hours to get it all shoveled by myself. I called my mom crying and just falling apart. I have not been sleeping well at all lately so the idea of being up all night put me over the edge. And when I get down I fall to pieces about everything. My usually try to be positive self turns into a totally negative mess. My parents were so sweet and showed up at my house while I was getting Graesen down to sleep and started shoveling for me. Then this morning the schools were closed (which rarely happens around here) so I really didn't need to freak out like I did, but isn't that always the way it is? Anyway, today I feel much better. I feel the positive coming back :)
Graesen was so cute looking out the window this morning at snow plows.

We did get out for a while to go sledding.

And then came back to eat some yummy cupcakes that my mom dropped off for us. Seriously, my family really takes care of me :)

Snow!

2012-01-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

We were finally hit with some good snow today. I got a few pictures of Graesen on our way out the door to go to work, and then some this afternoon when we had to do some shoveling (and playing, of course).

Valentine Making

2012-01-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

No work today, so I set up a Valentine making party for Graesen. I asked him if he wanted to do some art and you would have thought I asked him if he wanted to go to Disney World. This kid LOVES art and never gets tired of it :) He spent close to an hour adding stickers to hearts for his friends and family.

Remember to visit the new blog my sister and I started up! www.howtofallinloveeveryday.blogspot.com

A wild 5 years

2012-01-16T22:33:00.000-08:00

I joked with my counselor recently that I have been through and experienced more by the age of 26 than most people do by 40. The last 5ish years have been especially wild. This is the internet-appropriate version of these 5 years. There are so many things that happened that were so painful, but really should not be shared on a public site.
A quick synopsis of the last five years could be: Got married, bought a house, got pregnant, graduated from college, had a baby, dealt with the stress of unemployment in our family, dealt with baby's health issues, got pregnant again, had a miscarriage, dealt with a lot of majorly hard stuff, and started the process of getting divorced. It has been a crazy 5 years, and I am eager for a season of calm and rest. Maybe some crazy good stuff, but enough of the bad :)

At 21

I said goodbye to my great-grandma. (no pictures on this computer of her).

I got married. I had been with Evan for almost 7 years at that point, so for me getting married at a young age felt natural. I was not scared of marriage and was happy to enter that stage of adulthood. I had no idea that at 26 I would be divorced, but who really gets married thinking they will later be divorced?

I visited Mexico for a honeymoon.

At 22

I ran 2 marathons, including the Boston marathon which was a big dream of mine.

I visited Honduras and got sick as can be while there.

I commuted back and forth between 2 cities for school. Evan and I only saw each other on weekends in the beginning of our marriage.

Evan and I bought a house. (Which I somehow cannot find any pictures of on this computer and am way too lazy to go downstairs to the other computer.)

At 23

I started student teaching and worked nights at a local gym.

I got pregnant with Graesen.

I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education.

I felt for the first time what it was like to truly worry about your child when a cyst was found on Graesen's heart during his 22 week ultrasound.

I went through almost 21 hours of intense labor. I was told that labor usually starts pretty easy and you can sleep through contractions. Not for me! From the very first contraction it was the kind of pain you can barely breathe through and makes you double over. It was the most painful 21 hours of my life, but also the most beautiful and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I managed to survive labor and gave birth to the sweetest little boy I have ever laid my eyes on.

When Graesen was only 2 weeks old something happened (not the kind of thing to write about on here) and I dealt with a pretty big crisis while learning to be a mom.

For the first (but not last) time I had to help a doctor pin my child down for a procedure. Graesen had his tongue clipped for tongue tie.

At 24

I said goodbye to my grandpa.

I dealt with months of hard relationship stuff.

I learned to use my breaks at work to pump breast milk in bathrooms, because the schools "don't give keys to subs."

I took Graesen to the hospital for surgery and watched him struggle a lot coming out of anesthesia. Watching your child in pain and upset in awful.

I fought with everything I had to keep Graesen a breast-fed child even though we had many obstacles which meant many trips to the lactation specialists.

I flew across the country by myself twice with Graesen.

I did 2 more marathons with my sisters.

I visited Hawaii with Graesen and Evan.

We experienced the stress of unemployment as a family.

I was told by a doctor that I was going to have fertility problems in the future.

At 25

Graesen started to have lots of stomach issues. I was up with him almost every hour all night long for months, while still having to get up and go to work a few days a week. I watched him suffer through many tests and procedures at the hospital. It was horrible!

I traveled across the country by myself with Graesen again.

I got pregnant.

I had a miscarriage.

My marriage had a major crisis. It was awful, yet I made the decision to try counseling.

Evan crashed his car and I dealt with the panic that comes from news like a bad crash.

At 26

After a couple years of frequent stomach aches I visited a GI doctor. I found out I have pre-cancerous polyps and have to have colonoscopies done every 3 years for the rest of my life. Keep in mind that most people do not have a colonoscopy until they are 50.

I dealt with another major marriage crisis.

I celebrated Christmas while grieving the loss of a baby that was supposed to by due on Christmas Eve and the loss of my marriage.

The process of getting a divorce was started.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the daily Graesen pictures. We went to my parent's house for dinner, and Graesen had a great time playing with Phoebe and my sister's boyfriend's son.

And Shawna and I decided to give Milo a new wardrobe :)

(Don't worry it was just a boa from the dress up clothes wrapped around him we're not so mean as to put actual clothes on him).