To the Moon and Back

I'm a Party Animal . . .

2011-05-11T17:21:00.002-04:00

. . .a pity party animal that is. I complain. A lot. Even things that I tend to miss when I don’t have to do them, become fodder for my complaining spirit. There’s a negative spin that can be put on everything. It’s all too easy to do. Instead of being thankful I can afford school, I complain about having to attend. Instead of being happy that I don’t have to go away to college, I lament the troubles of living with your parents and having to follow their (not at all strict) rules. Instead of rejoicing in the fact that I even have a boyfriend, I bemoan the fact that I only get to see him about every four weeks. Complain, complain, complain.

The problem is that while I identified this as a flaw in my character, I don’t know how to address it. I don’t do it consciously. It’s not like a start everyday thinking, “now how can I make this the worst day ever?” It just happens. And when I notice it, I try to spin it back to the positive. But sometimes I don’t notice until much later, too much later to backtrack and put a positive spin on the words I’ve already spilled for others to hear. I hate listening to people complain. I’m the first one to point out the positives in their life so that they can stop feeling sorry for themselves. But I can’t seem to do this for myself.

When I have so much to be thankful for, why do I allow myself to complain about the trivial? Sometimes when I write, the process of “getting it out” leads me to an answer. Not this time. I don’t know how yet, but this has got to stop.

Keep on singing,

The Best Years of Your Life

2011-05-08T18:44:00.002-04:00

As I neared college age, everyone always told me that college would be "the best years of your life." Although I would be lying if I said the past year hadn't been good, it wasn't college that made it so. I'm enjoying these years, but I'd like them to go by quite a bit faster because I've known what I wanted since I was three. And college isn't it.

Today is Mother's Day. My Facebook newsfeed has been filled with children wishing their moms a happy day, husband's praising their wife's mothering skills, and mother's rejoicing in their children. That's what I want. Because when these moms look back, they remember college fondly, but the best memories are of their husband and children. A friend on Facebook put it best, the three greatest events in my life, the ones I couldn't imagine life without - salvation, my marriage, my children.

So happy Mother's Day!! To my mom who rocks! To all the mothers who know their children are God's miracles! To the women who have no children of their own yet share their extra love with those who need it!

And to those who can't wait to be mothers saying "these are the best years of my life!"

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Keep on singing,

Royal Wedding

2011-04-30T11:21:00.003-04:00

I admit it. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning to watch the royal wedding. I mostly did it because my mom told me that she got up and watched Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s wedding with her mother, and how could I not feel guilty for saying no after that? But to be honest, I was really excited to see Katharine’s dress, and not just because it was a “royal” wedding dress. I just like wedding dresses. Period. It’s a very good thing that I don’t have cable television because I would spend all of my spare time (and a lot of time that isn’t “spare”) watching those dumb wedding shows like Say Yes to the Dress and My Fair Wedding. Because I, like many females, am obsessed with weddings. I am obsessed not with my own possible future wedding (though that’s a big part of it!) but with any wedding. Because a wedding has everything that a true girly-girl loves – an excuse to dress up, flowers, music, good food, love.
Someone tweeted “The Royal Wedding: it's like a Steve Jobs Keynote, but for girls...” I found this to be so true. Yes, I think the ipad is really cool. No, I do not want to tune in to listen to Steve Jobs’ presentation about it. But I have lots of male friends who would! Yes, I think the royal wedding is cool. Yes, I will get up at 4:30 in the morning to watch it. But I have lots of male friends (I think all of them) who wouldn’t!
So, yes, I’m one of those girls who already has her wedding dress picked out, knows what color and style dress she wants her bridesmaids to wear, has the flowers picked out, and a mother who has decided what photographer we’re going to use. Yes, I’m obsessed. But it makes me smile.

Keep on singing,

Hello

2011-04-27T08:26:00.006-04:00

Well look who finally decided to show up??

It's spring!

In NYC.

It's sunny.

And colorful.

And wonderful.

And fragrant.

And I love it.

Keep on singing,

Embarrassing? Yes. But Also Comforing.

2011-04-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

It rarely happens anymore. Something about the combination of being daddy’s little girl and at the same time an almost “grown-up” has severely decreased the number of times I fight with my dad. In fact, this hardly counts as a fight. But he did make me cry. It was just one of those mornings. You know, the ones where nothing has gone terribly wrong but nothing has gone terribly right either? A morning that starts with tears at the edges of your eyes just waiting to spill over. All it takes is one, little phrase. “Goodness, no one is appreciative around here.”

He didn’t even mean it. He didn’t even remember saying it. But the jab struck the kink in my cheerful armor, and the tears that had been waiting to spill over began to flow. He didn’t notice (I didn’t really expect or want him to). But I turned quickly away hoping that if I continued on with my day the tears would stop. But there was a flaw in my plan.

Continuing on with my day meant going downstairs and seeing my mother. When asked what was wrong, I quickly explained but tried not to dwell on it. And I succeeded. By the time I walked out my front door to head to work, I had completely forgotten that a mere hour ago I had tears streaming down my face.

I work in for the Education Department of Nyack College Manhattan Campus. I love my job. I love my boss. I love having an excuse to spend five hours in the education lab people watching and chatting with college friends. I was having a good day. When my phone rang and the caller ID showed home, I answered with a cheery hello. “What’s up, daddy?” “Well,” he began hesitantly, “your mother says I made you cry this morning.”

Oh no. I had forgotten. I didn’t want to think about this now. “What?” I replied in a voice several octaves higher than normal. I quickly walked out of the lab to have some “privacy” for my phone call. I put privacy in quotes because what I apparently forgot at that moment is that the education lab has a wall of windows looking out into the hallway I had just walked to for “privacy.” I was proud of myself. I managed to get through the whole let’s-fix-this conversation without raising my voice or bursting into tears. But apparently I wasn’t as stone-faced as I thought. This probably has something to do with the fact that I did get a little teary and I’m rather expressive with my hand motions. . .

A walked back into the ed lab to be greeted by my two male friends questioning, “Are you okay? Was that your boyfriend?” I’m pretty sure if I’ve ever blushed, I was blushing then. “No, that was my dad, and I’ll be fine.” I replied quickly. “Oh, good. At first we were rooting for you to tell him off, but then we could tell you were upset. We were prepared to take care of it if you needed us too.”

Wow. It was one of those moments were you wish you could melt into the carpet. I was so embarrassed. Besides the fact that even if it had been my boyfriend he’s two hours away so what would they have done. . . But it was strangely comforting too. I haven’t made many close friends in college. But in the education department we are family. And apparently family does really stick together.

Keep on singing,

A Truly Blessed Ressurection Sunday

2011-04-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

Saturday night, my dad asked me if I would like to dye some eggs to pair with peeps and make a centerpiece for our Easter dinner. I was all for it because I haven't dyed eggs since I was about ten. I had fun, but it would be a lot more fine if I had some little kids around with whom I could dye the eggs.

All Saturday, it rained. Forecasts called for more rain and even thunderstorms Resurrection morning. My dad was all prepared to cancel the "Sonrise" service. When he awoke early Sunday morning, his computer forecast had a bright sun on it. He wasn't sure he believed it so he went out on the stoop to see what he could see. Sure enough, he saw the sun peeking through the clouds. We gathered in the park near our church to rejoice in the risen King then headed back to church for breakfast.

We had a great time of food and fellowship followed by a service with more joy in celebrating the resurrection. Pastor Lewis preached on what the resurrection means to Christians and how it affects our Christian walk.

It was a lovely day. Easter is almost my favorite holiday, second only to Christmas. And this year was even better than most!

Keep on singing,

He is Risen!

2011-04-24T06:00:00.001-04:00

"Now if Christ is proclaimed as raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain. We are even found to be misrepresenting God, because we testified about God that he raised Christ, whom he did not raise if it is true that the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.
But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.

Keep on singing,

While the sun's light failed . . .

2011-04-22T10:11:00.002-04:00

The centurion saw what had taken place, and he praised God saying, "Truly this was the Son of God!"

What's Important to You?

2011-04-15T19:55:00.002-04:00

“You always find time for what is important to you.”

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, becausethe days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand whatthe will of the Lord is. ~ Ephesians 5:15-17

So what are you finding time for? I always find time for my family and friends. That’s points in my favor right? Perhaps, but if I’m honest with myself, I’d have to say that next thing on the list that I’m always sure to fit in is Facebook. Yeah, you can take those points back. . . And where does God fit into this? He gets shoved onto the subway car with me in the hopes that it’s not too crowded for me to get my Kindle Bible out of my bag. If He’s really lucky, when I’m finished reading the Bible, I may even swap it for a book about Him.

There. I said it. I take more time for Facebook than I do for God. But before you start judging me (though I’m every bit as guilty as you’re thinking, I’m sure), take a look at your life. What’s coming first for you?

I’m the last person who would ever declare Facebook evil. But I am willing to admit that it’s far from wholesome most of the time. Studies have shown that Facebook can improve self-esteem because it allows for “selective self-presentation.” “Social-network sites are designed to share information about the self with others, including likes/dislikes, hobbies, and personal musings via ‘wall posts,’ and ‘status updates’ . . . . exposure to information presented on one’s Facebook profile enhances self esteem, especially when a person edits information about the self, or selectively self-presents.” On the face of it, this article would seem to promote the use of social-networking sites. However, I see it a little different.

I may not have consciously known that every time I log onto my Facebook I’m getting and ego boost, but subconsciously that may very well be why I log in so often. By carefully selecting what we post on Facebook, we are crafting an airbrushed photo of ourselves to present to the world, and I’m not just talking about pictures. Our likes and status updates are all carefully chosen to present what we consider the ideal representation of ourselves.

No wonder I spend so much time on Facebook! It takes all the “praiseworthy” aspects of myself and displays them to a captive audience (captivated by their own Facebook) that is quick to openly praise (and not so openly judge). So when I spend time on Facebook, I’m really spending time on myself, feeding my ego – my pride.

By finding time for Facebook before I find time for God, I’m counting myself as more important than God. Excuse me while I go rethink my priorities . . .

Keep on singing,

Quotation from:
Gonzales, Amy L., and Jeffrey T. Hancock. "Mirror, Mirror on my Facebook Wall: Effects of Exposure to Facebook on Self-Esteem." CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking 14.1/2 (2011): 79-83. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 15 Apr. 2011.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

2011-04-13T10:31:00.001-04:00

Every once in a while, I reach a point where I feel that I am really starting to make progress in a particular area of my life. I feel confident (perhaps even prideful) that I have moved passed this area of difficulty in my life. It is often when I reach this point that something happens to pull me back a little. Last December, I wrote a blog post about insecurity admitting that it was something with which I struggle. In the months that followed, I made great strides in that area. I began to live with the knowledge that “I need to stop finding joy in what others think of me and start finding joy in Him.” Reading the Psalms really helped with that. While the psalmist often struggled with feeling as though God had forsaken him, he also wrote many psalms that are completely and utterly joyful and worship full. (Side note: Let me just say, that it is pretty amazing to have a boyfriend that replies to your text about how crummy your day has been with a text saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. I wish I were there to make it better. Have you read your Bible today? Try the book of Psalms.” Yes, he’s that cool.)

I was just thinking the other day how truly freeing it is to live a life with very little insecurity. And then I had a dream. It was one of those dreams where you can’t remember exactly what happened, but you know how it made you feel. I woke up feeling completely worthless and unloved. And while I know that’s not true, the feeling was overwhelming. I pulled the covers over my head and curled into a ball trying to shake it off. The feeling was fading (perhaps if I had been awake enough to consider praying, it would have faded faster) when my mom called that the coffee was ready. Coffee!! I got up, pushing the feeling to the back of my mind. It stayed there till I got in the shower (come on, I know I’m not the only one who does some of their most intense thinking in the shower!). I realized why, on this particular day, I found these feelings so crippling. It was because I thought I was past this. I thought I had moved on to other struggles. Wrong. But how do you combat thoughts that assail you in your sleep? I have no idea. But I am confident in this very thing: His grace is sufficient for me, for His strength is made perfect in weakness. “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” For “the Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing.

Keep on singing,

Darkness

2011-03-25T09:03:00.002-04:00

The sermon this past Sunday was on John 8:12-19. The verse in this passage that most will know is verse 12 which says "Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." This verse is one of those "Sunday School verses." The kind of verse that every child who is raised in a Evangelical Christian home will be asked at some point in there childhood to memorize at least once if not multiple times and for good reason. The concept of Jesus as light is a powerful one. But, even after Sunday's sermon which was very good, the reality of walking in darkness hadn't really hit me.

Then I came to work today, and the light in the office wasn't working. And I realized - it's not so easy to try to be productive when you can't see anything. Imagine trying to live your whole life in absolute spiritual darkness stumbling around trying to make your life productive when you can't see what your doing. Doesn't sound very fun to me.

The whole world was lost
In the darkness of sin,
The Light of the world is Jesus!
Like sunshine at noonday,
His glory shone in.
The Light of the world is Jesus!

No darkness have we
Who in Jesus abide;
The Light of the world is Jesus!
We walk in the light
When we follow our Guide!
The Light of the world is Jesus!

Ye dwellers in darkness
With sin blinded eyes,
The Light of the world is Jesus!
Go, wash, at His bidding,
And light will arise.
The Light of the world is Jesus!

No need of the sunlight
In Heaven we’re told;
The Light of the world is Jesus!
The Lamb is the Light
In the city of gold,
The Light of the world is Jesus!

Come to the light, ’tis shining for thee;
Sweetly the light has dawned upon me.
Once I was blind, but now I can see:
The Light of the world is Jesus!

Keep on singing,

Happy March

2011-03-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

I love March. March is spring. It's fresh. It's warmth and sunshine. I don't know why but I always feel rejuvenated in March. It's almost as though it's the start of a new year, except, you know, it's not the start of anything. In fact, it's the third month of the year and the middle of my semester. And yet, it's March. I don't know why, but I just love it. Let's hope this month lives up to my expectations! :D

Keep on singing,

Random Thoughts

2011-02-28T11:04:00.004-05:00

I am sitting in the education department lab at my school. I have a slew of homework at home that is waiting to be done. But it's not here. I came in early for a training session for the tutoring I do. However, due to some unforeseen circumstances, the woman who was to run the session couldn't make it. So, with three hours till my next class, here I sit. I printed some articles to read, but there's only so much reading of academic articles you can do in one day before the lines of the articles cross, and you are thoroughly confused as to what you are reading. I won't even claim to be comprehending. So I'll write. About what? I don't know. Whatever comes to mind I suppose.

I was reading my devotions this morning, and I came across this, "I need to be reminded frequently that my demerits do not compel God to withdraw His grace from me, but rather He treats me with no regard whatsoever to what I deserve. I'd much rather stake my hope of His blessing on His infinite goodness then on my good works." I feel like it is so easy to slump into feeling like we are incapable of doing any good. Everything we do is wrong. And, while we know the grace of God, we don't act in that knowledge. Instead of rejoicing in His grace, we wallow in self pity and self depreciation. How much better would it be to simply acknowledge or failings and and say "but I know the grace of my God."

Also, I loved the last part of the quote above, "I'd much rather stake my hope of His blessing on His infinite goodness then on my good works." Christians argue all the time on whether God chose or "elected" those who would be saved or if humans have free will and make the choice to follow God. While I won't go as far as to say that I think this is a stupid thing to be arguing over, I do believe that Christians spend too much time arguing over it. And for what? I believe in election. But even if I didn't, how hard would it be to accept that some people would rather rely on their salvation to be an act of God than to involve any action on their part. I know me. I like rules because I like structure. But I also don't always like rules that someone else is writing. If it was solely up to me in my sinful nature to choose salvation, I wouldn't have done it. My salvation is an act of grace not an act of my will. But, if you don't agree with me, I don't think that means you're going to burn in hell. So why fight?

Anyway, I'm not quite sure how I got here. But in other news, the last frames I need to finish my room are coming today!!! Oh, and my laptop is coming back from California!!! Yay! :D

Keep on singing,

A Letter to Pink

2011-02-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Pink,

Normally, I love you. And although I've outgrown my need to decorate with you, I still love to accessorize with you. From my pink laptop, kindle case, and notebooks to my pink afghan, pretty pink tops, and the tiny hint of pink in my china pattern, you will always be my favorite. But I'm afraid that in this month, February, I find you more of a foe than friend. You and your compatriot red have come to symbolize all that is wrong with this world's view of love and the worst holiday ever invented - Valentine's Day. So I'm afraid that for the next month you and I will distance ourselves, especially on the 14th. I look forward to renewing our friendship in March.

Until then,
Sincerely,
Me.

Keep on singing,

Confession

2011-02-03T08:13:00.009-05:00

Confession: I'm 19 and I still love children's books.

There's just nothing better. Last year my college class took a fieldtrip to the Scholastic store in SoHo. Can I just say, amazing!

It was there that I found my all-time favorite children's book, Harold and the Purple Crayon.

Who can resist this gem of a book! Seriously, if I ever get to have kids they're all getting a purple crayon with which they can draw magical worlds and purple moons.

Then in January, I purchased 3 more children's books. But, in my defense, I bought them with Christmas money and the knowledge that I got extra work hours the past two weeks!

One of those books was It's a Book by Lane Smith. It's a great little book about, you guessed it, books. In this digital age, I sometimes fear that children won't know what books are before long. This makes me sad. Maybe that's why I'm stocking up my children's library now :)

Keep on singing,

In Which I Question the Validity of Groundhog Day

2011-02-02T07:33:00.002-05:00

My parent's are still away. But today I only had to wake up at 6:45. And as I sat on the couch around 7:00, with my cup of coffee in my hand, I thought three things. 1 - I thought about how just yesterday, I was thinking that the idea of being the Proverbs 31 woman who "rises while it is yet night" was seeming far less daunting then ever before. But now I realize that the 6:30 darkness of yesterday probably had more to do with the weather then I thought. I wasn't so dark this morning at 6:45, and I'll I wanted to do was crawl under the covers and go back to sleep. So much for my inspiring thoughts on Biblical womanhood. 2 - I thought about how much I still love casseroles. They just make life easier, especially when there's only two people eating it so it lasts for at least two days. 3 - I thought that being an adult doesn't mean no more sleepovers with your best friend. It just means that you and your best friend confess to each other a few days before said sleepover that you're going to have to take some hours out of your hang out time on Saturday to do homework.

This is my reality. Yesterday was snow day number three. And when I got the official cancellation email from my professor, I suddenly wished we just had class. So. Much. Homework.

So, while I still can't believe it's February 2011, I really wish it was February 2013 . . .

In other news, Staten Island Chuck did not see his shadow so supposedly spring will come six weeks early. My question is, how accurate can this system be when the groundhog doesn't see his shadow because the sky is all cloudy with an ice storm!!!

Keep on singing,

February . . . Say What?

2011-02-01T08:19:00.002-05:00

My parent's are away this week. That means I woke up at 6:15 this morning to make my brother breakfast. And as I sat on the couch around 6:30, with the breakfast casserole in the oven, I thought three things. 1 - I thought about how when I was little, I cringed at the thought of the Proverbs 31 woman who "rises while it is yet night." Who would want to wake up when it's still dark?? But now I realize that 6:30 really isn't so very early. And it was really dark at 6:30 this morning. 2 - I thought about how much I love casseroles. They just make life easier. 3 - I thought, goodness gracious, it's February!!!!!!

I can' believe it. It seems just yesterday I was anxiously awaiting Thanksgiving! I mean, I had a wonderful winter break. Yes, it was busy, but I loved it! But I still can't believe it's over. I'm a junior in college. When did that happen??? Though I shouldn't complain because today may very well be my third snow day of the semester.

And, while I can't believe it's February 2011, I kind of wish it was February 2013 . . .

Keep on singing,

New Year . . . Or Is It?

2011-01-01T11:18:00.001-05:00

There is a part of me that embraces January as the start of the new year. That part is the slightly obsessively organized part. There’s something comforting about the start of a new 12 month cycle. It’s set, definite. Every month has a set number of days and when we reach the end we cycle back through again. Organized, neat.

But the truth of the matter is we rarely approach life in such a neat little cycle. For me, there is very little difference between December 31st and January 1st. But there’s a great difference between say January 18th and January 19th (the start of my spring semester and junior year of college). And there was an even greater difference between September 8th and 9th 2010 (the start of my fall semester and the end of the most challenging summer of my life). And stuck in the middle of all those dates are other small dates that “changed” my life and created fresh starts of different aspects of my life. While most of the changes have been embraced, the fact remains that they didn’t wait till January 1st, 2011 to make there appearance. My life doesn’t restart on the first of January like the calendar does. I don’t think I would want it too.

If everything of note happened on the first of the new calendar year it would be overwhelming. So I don’t really celebrate the new year overmuch. I try to remember the dates of important events in my life and celebrate them. However, the celebration of the new year exists and so on the 31st of December I stay up till midnight and drink sparkling cider with the rest of them. And on the 1st of January we have a celebratory dinner. But other than that? I have a room that needs to be painted and books to be read, laundry to be done and bags to be packed. So life goes on and so do I. And it’s not at all depressing as it seems to be. There’s something comforting in the changes of the calendar, even if they don’t affect my daily life. There is a reason God created seasons even if I can’t tell you what it is. But I rejoice that I can trust in His sovereignty in this and every year (no matter when you think the new year starts).

Psalm 104

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

O Lord my God, you are very great!
You are clothed with splendor and majesty,
covering yourself with light as with a garment,
stretching out the heavens like a tent.

He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;
he makes the clouds his chariot;
he rides on the wings of the wind; he makes his messengers winds,
his ministers a flaming fire.

He set the earth on its foundations,
so that it should never be moved.
You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
At your rebuke they fled;
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight.
The mountains rose, the valleys sank down
to the place that you appointed for them.
You set a boundary that they may not pass,
so that they might not again cover the earth.

You make springs gush forth in the valleys;
they flow between the hills;
they give drink to every beast of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell;
they sing among the branches.

From your lofty abode you water the mountains;
the earth is satisfied with the fruit of your work.

You cause the grass to grow for the livestock
and plants for man to cultivate,
that he may bring forth food from the earth
and wine to gladden the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine
and bread to strengthen man's heart.

The trees of the Lord are watered abundantly,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
In them the birds build their nests;
the stork has her home in the fir trees.
The high mountains are for the wild goats;
the rocks are a refuge for the rock badgers.

He made the moon to mark the seasons;
the sun knows its time for setting.
You make darkness, and it is night,
when all the beasts of the forest creep about.

The young lions roar for their prey,
seeking their food from God.
When the sun rises, they steal away
and lie down in their dens.
Man goes out to his work
and to his labor until the evening.

O Lord, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom have you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Here is the sea, great and wide,
which teems with creatures innumerable,
living things both small and great.
There go the ships,
and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it.

These all look to you,
to give them their food in due season.

When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.
When you hide your face, they are dismayed;
when you take away their breath, they die
and return to their dust.
When you send forth your Spirit, they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

May the glory of the Lord endure forever;
may the Lord rejoice in his works,
who looks on the earth and it trembles,
who touches the mountains and they smoke!

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have being.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the Lord.
Let sinners be consumed from the earth,
and let the wicked be no more!
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
Praise the Lord!

The Blizzard and the Gathering

2010-12-31T11:15:00.002-05:00

It has snowed. A lot. Like tons. Like my dog can’t walk outside for fear of being lost in the snow. This snow arrived on Sunday night into Monday and my dear city has been crippled ever since. There’s great uproar over the poor management of the snow removal and according to my dad after things cool down “heads will roll.”
Normally, I love when it snows! And while I still couldn’t resist the magic that is a white, snow-covered world, I wasn’t exactly thrilled that the blizzard chose this of all weekends to make it’s appearance. I mean surely it could have waited till it resulted in a snow day from school, right?? Alas, such was not the case. But more than the snow day, I wanted to be able to head over to Hatfield, PA for the Ziegler Family Gathering. My mom’s side of the family (and her mom’s beyond her) gather at this time every year for food, fun, and fellowship. I can’t remember I time that we missed this gathering and the Christmas season wouldn’t be the same without it.
So, about a day after the snow dropped on our city like a bomb, my brother and I began the task of digging out our vehicle hoping (at least I was) that when we finally did free the car from the snow’s icy grip that it would be able to handle the snow that was left on the road. We had yet to test out this van’s snow driving capabilities. We successfully freed our car and began our trek to PA. With only a couple struggles (we had to dig out at one point) and after seeing some astounding sights (we passed a bus that had been stuck since Sunday night), we managed to make it to the highway for what we figured would be free sailing, or, you know, driving.
Well it wasn’t quite free and clear from then out. The NJ Turnpike bogged us down quite a bit and our 2 hour trip took 4 hours instead. Good thing we left extra time!
We finally made it and it was well worth the stress. My family is quite a group when we all gather together. I think the total number reached about 75 this year. We even make a pretty decent choir. I’d show you the video but it’s only on Facebook and that link doesn’t work. But you can take my word for it that it was a good night. Especially, because I got to introduce this young man to my family!

I’m not insecure!

2010-12-27T14:49:00.001-05:00

I’m just always obsessing over what people think of me and how I compare to other people. Oh wait . . .

Insecurity. It’s not a word with which anyone likes to associate themselves especially Christians. As a Christian, I link my insecurity to a complete lack of trust in God. Being a PK and kind of an MK (i.e. my dad’s salary comes from the support of fellow Christians who are led by God to support us), I’ve learned a lot about trust. My daddy truly has taught us to live by faith. Sometimes I don’t like the way he provides and I think my way would have been far better, but He always provides! Yet, somehow when it comes to trusting that I really am “good enough” because I’ve been cleansed by Christ’s awesome work on the cross, well, let’s just say that I have a heard time believing it. I do believe in the sense that I know full well that it’s the truth. But I allow my self to wallow in self-pity and insecurity - I’m not “good enough,” I’m not “thin enough” I’m not “pretty enough,” I’m not “smart enough,” and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough!”

Most single women sort of live with the delusion that having a boyfriend would make most of that go away. Now, I knew this wasn’t true. Believe it or not, I’ve always been a strong proponent of you know, not relying on a guy to make you happy. I’ve known people who did that and guess what?? They’re not happy. I also know people who flit from boy to boy hoping that one will give them what they want. They still haven’t found him. So I knew entering a relationship would not instantly erase my insecurities. However, I didn’t expect it to make them worse. But it did. So know I wallow in fear and insecurity – I’m not “good enough” for him, I’m not “thin enough” for him, I’m not “pretty enough” for him, I’m not “smart enough” for him, and I am absolutely in no way “godly enough” for him!

And the saddest part about that?? It doesn’t come from him; it comes from me. He calls me brilliant, tells people I’m awesome, and shows his friend from work my picture. But I, I’m convinced he’s wrong.

How dare I? What gives me the right to be so prideful? Because that’s what it comes down to really.

Pride. It’s a word that makes me squirm even more than insecurity. After all, we can blame our insecurity on other people. But pride? That’s all you. I’ve heard every excuse in the book for insecurity (e.g. my mother always told me I was fat) and most of them are extremely viable causes of insecurity. But I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m prideful because so-and-so made me this way.” The mere thought is ludicrous. Pride is a focus on self. Pride sucks all the joy out of real accomplishment by making us feel like we ought to have done that well. It also doubles the pain when we fail. Even our insecurity about other’s actions are prideful. It’s all about how their actions relate to us. Why didn’t he call?? Is he bored of me? Why did he look at her? Does he think she’s prettier than I? Why didn’t my friend want to hang out? Is she bored with me? Me, me, me-me, me!!!! It’s all about me.

Why do we never stop to think that maybe he didn’t answer because he’s at work, or that maybe he stared at her because her shirt was hideous (guys do notice such things at times), or that maybe your friend has a killer load of homework/work. Nope, it can’t be that. Must be me. I’m tired of it. I don’t want it to be about me anymore.

I need to stop focusing on how everything reflects on me and start focusing on how it reflects on my Saviour. John Piper puts a slight twist into the response to the catechism that states the goal of mankind on earth – to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. Why can’t I let that be enough for it surely is. I need to stop finding joy in what others think of me and start finding joy in Him. After all, “for in [God] I take refuge. I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You.’” Psalm 16:1b-2

Goodbye, Insecurity. You have been a terrible friend.

What Child Is This?

2010-12-24T15:52:00.002-05:00

Well I'm a horrible blogger. It's a good thing I don't have that many readers!!
This fall has been extremely busy in wonderful ways! I started my fourth semester of college in September. I was just beginning to think that I should start looking for a job when my professor offered me a part-time (10 hours a week) job working for the Education Department. I couldn't have asked for a better job! I loved working with my professor, and I did lots of photocopying and data entry which I actually really enjoy. I enjoyed all but one of my classes this semester which was surprising as I only "planned" on liking two. However, next semester already looms in the distance, and I dread it. My professor told me on Tuesday that I would make a great teacher but she saw me as more of a researcher. I'm not sure where she came up with that . . .
Anyway, perhaps the reason I did not blog for so many months was that I had nothing of interest to share. As you can see, almost all of the past three months was summed up in one paragraph. And the only other major thing that happened in those months officially happened a week ago. And although I expected it was coming, it was certainly not something I was going to blog about!

So what is the major change in my life that happened last week you are asking? Well remember that rather horrible summer I wrote about here?? Well that horror resulted in something I never expected.

I have a friend. We've been friends for years and known each other for longer (like 10 years)!! Summer of 2009 would probably be when I really began to consider him a close friend however, as we worked on the leadership team together at Pinebrook. We both came back for summer 2010 excited for what God was going to do! I was convinced going into this summer that something amazing was going to happen. Well this summer was not the amazing summer we expected it to be though we both grew in our faith immensely as a result! However, even more than growth, God brought something amazing out of this summer. Our relationship. I got to know Eric so well this summer, and we found that in addition to having a ton of things in common (likes/dislikes, humor, hopes for the future), we were the humans that God used to help the other one survive this summer. And so I think, if He can use us in each others lives to that extent in summer 2010, how much more can He use us if we're together for longer?? Apparently Eric thinks the same way because last week he spoke with my dad and last weekend we started dating.

I don't know what this means fully for my future. But I know that we've both said that dating is not for playing around. It is serious. And so we are serious - serious about seeing if this is what God has for us, serious about seeking God's will in the matter. Won't you join us in prayer?

So that has been my fall. Exciting stuff for sure! I just got all my grades in yesterday and am quite happy with the result. Now it is Christmas Eve, and I can hardly believe it came so fast! Christmas is my favorite holiday. It astounds me to think that the Saviour of the world came to earth as a little baby. Can you imagine what it must be like to have cradled the King of the Universe in your arms and rocked your LORD to sleep?? It boggles the mind. And so, on this Christmas Eve (or whenever you read this) I challenge you to stop, ponder what Christ gave for you, and worship Him! Find your joy in Him. Glorify Him! And remember what the Psalmist said in Psalm 16, "I say to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.'"

Eternally grateful for the good He's brought to me this year,

A Soft Answer

2010-09-14T10:00:00.001-04:00

Proverbs 15:1 & 28

A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.

Seems a funny thing to say, but when I'm gone over the summer my relationship with my family is excellent. I miss my family and we catch up on the phone or web chatting. In these, sometimes hour-long, conversations the little things don't bother me. When I'm home, everything bothers everyone. It seems no one can say anything that doesn't set someone off. Our answers are anything but soft or studied. And you know that family that everyone thinks is perfect, but on the inside they're messed up? Yeah, well that's not even us. Sometimes we're the shortest and snappiest with each other in front of others. This ought not to be. When I watch how my family functions I rarely see love. Ouch. There are few things in a Christian's life that should cause more pain than the realization that an aspect of your life doesn't fall in line with what God would have it to be and doesn't bring glory to God.

I love my family, more than anything in this world. But I don't always show it in my actions and words.

It is not enough to say "I love you." We must show "I love you." Love is shown through actions, service, hugs, gentle speech, and the embracing of dreams simply because they are the dreams of someone you love.
My dear family,
I love you! I make mistakes and I don't always show it. Today I commit to trying anew to show you love in all I do. As I pray for you, won't you pray for me? Pray that the love of Christ might shine through me, through us.

I love you!

Take a look at your family. Are you showing love? Are you speaking in love? Would you want God to hear your family's daily conversations? Because he does. Is He glorified? Can I challenge you today to love? Can I challenge you to live every day in the knowledge that family is a gift from God, a gift that isn't promised for tomorrow? Love your family!

Feeling Foolish

2010-09-13T10:46:00.001-04:00

Have you ever done something so dumb you just felt like the biggest idiot on the face of the planet? Well that's how I felt this morning with tears and all. And then I thought, what can a learn from this. So, in a moment of frustration, I pulled my study Bible off the shelf and flipped open the topical index to look up stupidity. Nothing. And then I thought, stupidity isn't really a "Bible word." So I looked up foolishness and sure enough, there it was. And then my brilliant plan backfired. My topical index led me to Mark 7. Here's what it said in Mark 7:21-23 ~ For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man." Wow. Foolishness is right up there with adultery and fornication. Who da thunk? And at first that just made me more depressed. But then, I thought about it some more. If I can think of foolishness as part of my human nature, then my foolish actions are covered under the grace of God! Does that mean that I can go around without thinking of my actions and doing whatever I want? As Paul would say, "Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?" (Romans 6:2). However, it does mean that I don't have to freak out every time I make a foolish decision. For "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28). And even if I can't seem to forget that stupid mistake I made. God can. Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more."

On This Day

2010-09-11T10:26:00.001-04:00

September 11. The mere uttering of this date evokes somber faces, anger, and tears. Every year on the anniversary of this date there is a ceremony. A ceremony at which they read all the names of the people who lost their lives on that day. It shows on every channel we get in our house and goes on for hours (as I type it's been going on for almost two hours and they're only at the G's). And I can't help but wonder, is this really beneficial? Don't get me wrong, what happened on that day ten years ago was a national tragedy, a tragedy that left all Americans feeling unsafe in their own homes. And yet, they're still gone. No matter how many times we read their names and wish them back, they're still gone. I work with young children, children who are so young they have no recollection of life before 9/11/01. What does this mean to them? Not much, it's history to them. I have a friend whose birthday is tomorrow and I've often wondered, what was his 7^th birthday like back in 2001. Did he really understand what was going on? Could he comprehend why no one was celebrating on his birthday?

These thoughts leave me feeling cold and heartless. This is my city, my neighbors, shouldn't I feel more patriotic? Shouldn't I watch this ceremony with tears streaming down my face? But I don't. The only thing about this ceremony that makes me want to cry is the terrible theology of the people reading the names. Hearing people tell their dead loved ones that they are praying for them, that 9/11 was fate, that maybe if It had been another day they wouldn't have died, asking them to help the family still on earth is what makes me want to weep. If these people only understood the grace of our great God.

And then I realize, they don't. They don't understand the grace of God . . . and chances are neither did their loved ones. And that makes me want to weep. Terrorists attacks are tragic, but far more tragic is the number of people who died not knowing my Savior. And so I understand why these people recite names. Maybe I would too if I didn't have faith in my awesome God. But as for me? I've moved on. On this day, I'm not going to spend hours mourning the lives lost. A few moments of respectful silence is all I need. On this day, I'm going to live for those who live with me. I'm going to hug, love, and care for the ones who actually need the hugs, love, and care. And I'm going to pray. But not for those who are already gone; I can't do anything for them. I'm going to pray for those whose lives are not yet lost, for those who still have a chance to learn of the love of my Savior.

Won't you join me?

Love

2010-09-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

"My business is to show love to others, not to seek that others love me." Robert C. Chapman
Seeking love for self is merely a showing of pride. To think that love is owed to me by others is to think that I am worthy of love. I am a sinner saved by grace, there is nothing lovely in me. As I love, I am displaying God's grace to others. To live as Christ lived is to show love. God is love. Therefore, I ought to be love. There is no love in pride except love for self. May God love through me!

Keep on singing,