Growing on Goofy

It's Been Awhile...

2011-04-20T15:39:00.000-05:00

Sorry for my many long absences from this blog lately. The third trimester is definitely taking its toll.

I feel a little bit guilty complaining, because I've had a pretty easy time this whole pregnancy and I know it could be so much worse!

I don't know what happened but in the last week I've started to feel like I'm literally losing my mind. It's not just "pregnancy brain," although that is certainly an annoying factor as well. I've been super moody, tired, physically exhausted, hungry but nothing sounds good, lonely, depressed, sad or a combination of any/all of the above basically every day. It SUCKS!

Luckily, I had a regularly scheduled OB appointment yesterday and had the opportunity to discuss this issue with a doctor. Thank God for small miracles. I honest to God thought I might have a serious problem. I have never EVER felt this way before...totally out of control, yet lacking any ability to stop my behavior/thoughts. Those of you who know me will not be surprised to learn that I don't deal well with a lack of control, especially over myself.

My doctor informed me that between weeks 28-30, your hormone levels are at the highest they ever will be throughout your pregnancy. In the first trimester, you are not used to ANY hormones, which is what makes you moody, sick and tired. Then your body adjusts. The third trimester, you have a huge upswing of extra hormones, so it's kinda like being back in the first trimester all over again. On the one hand, it's nice to know that I am not crazy but, on the other hand, it's frustrating that I can't do anything about it except wait and hope for the best.

She also gave me a depression evaluation test. She explained that anti-partum (before baby) depression is actually significantly more common than post-partum depression, which I didn't know. It only contained 10 questions, your typical "Have you thought about hurting yourself or someone else?" and "Have you laid in bed at night, unable to sleep because you are worrying?" No and no. But then they snuck some in there that threw me off my game a little bit... "Do you blame yourself unnecessarily when things go wrong?" Hmm...yes. Absolutely. I thought that was just a personality trait. Either way, social services gives this test to their clients and typically "red flags" them with a score of 10 or higher. I scored a 12.

The OB isn't overly concerned, but does want to keep an eye on it. After I explained to her that planting season has just started so I am spending quite a bit more time alone, she figured that issue combined with this major hormone swing, is probably contributing to "situational" depression. It's not something that needs therapy or medication, but she did "prescribe" stress-relief in the form of reading a book, de-cluttering, mani/pedis (that's right ladies!) or whatever helps me chill out. I suppose I already broke the rules by going to Walmart, but Hobby Lobby sort of cancels it out, right? So I'm still on track. :)

Hope you guys aren't missing me TOOOOOOOOO much while the Pregnant Express makes a temporary stop in Hormone Heights.

I promise to be back soon with pictures of all my sewing/knitting/crafting/organizing projects!

Love you all and thanks, as always, for reading.

Silly Rabbit...

2011-04-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

Although I regularly feature my mom on this blog, Dad has kinda flown under the radar. There's no specific reason for this covert behavior, however it IS a reflection of his real life. He's gone YEARS without any long-standing jokes about him, embarrassing stories to tell at every family gathering, etc. I'm proud to say, today is the first day of the rest of his life. His EMBARRASSING STORY life. Welcome to the real world, Dad!

Normally Dad is a pretty regular guy. See exhibit A:

Ever notice how people get prettier or uglier the more you get to know their true personality?

Here is what Dad looks like when you get to know his true inner self:

Source

That's right, The Cookie Monster. Dad loves cookies so much that it's almost a "problem." A serious disease called Cookie Love. The man is obsessed.

Last week, my parents stopped by for the day. We had a great time and headed out to wing night at a local restaurant. At dinner, Dad gets this twinkle in his eye and says "I noticed you guys have a cookie jar on the counter now!"

I paused. We do not have a cookie jar on the counter. What is he talking about? We did have some girl scout cookies sitting on the counter, but they were still in boxes. Maybe that's what he meant? Mom knew something was wrong because of the look on my face, processing his comment. Adam, however, caught on right away.

Adam: You don't mean the dog treat container do you?

Dad: No, no, the clear cookie jar with the oreos in it. Right there on the counter!

Me: Dad, I don't know what kind of oreos you've been eating, but refresh me, what color are your regular Oreos?

Dad: Black, why?

Me: Did you happen to notice what color these "Oreos" were? They're tan. The reason for that is the "Oreos" you just ate are called Peanut Butter Droolies and can be found next to the Iams at Walmart. They are dog treats.

Pause.

Dad: No, no, they're cookies!

Me: No, Dad. They're not. They're dog treats.

Pause.

Dad: Well, I guess I can't help it. I've been on this diet with your mother and I haven't had any cookies and I guess I just went crazy. I couldn't help myself.

Dear Lord. The man is a MACHINE. A cookie devouring machine.

The next day he told mom that he needed a whole bottle of Rolaids because the wings from the night before were "barking" at him. I commented that perhaps it wasn't the wings, maybe those dog treats caused HIM to bark. He was not amused.

All I can say is get ready for Christmas, old man. Bring.It.On. :)

Makeup's Here to Save the Day!

2011-03-29T16:06:00.001-05:00

It's no big secret that I love makeup. Just the other day I was cleaning out my makeup collection and realized I have over 60 nail polishes. SIXTY PLUS NAIL POLISHES. That is ridiculous, especially if you've ever seen what my nails look like after I've tried to paint them. Bella could do a better job, I'm certain.

My mom has been a Mary Kay consultant for as long as I've been alive, so I can just chalk my makeup addiction to her career choices...and besides, it's fun to blame all your problems on your parents! ;)

Seriously though, I'm bringing this up now because I've started noticing a not-so-pleasant trend around Mason County. Women, in public, sans makeup. Yikes. I thought it was just a bunch of trashy people who happened to hit up the grocery store at the same time as me, and didn't think much of it...until one day I found myself at County Market, without makeup. WTF?! NEVER did I think this would happen to me.

Listen, it's nice to not have to deal with one more thing when you're getting ready in the morning. I get it. You're late for work, the kids are screaming, the dog won't take its morning poop, whatever...yet again, women put themselves last on the list. Makeup, however, is not something you want to skip, ladies. Trust me on this one. There is not one woman on earth who looks better without makeup than with it. Not one.

Here are several pieces of what I'll call "photographic evidence" that even the most beautiful people in the world need makeup:

Exhibit A: Jessica Simpson

source: curious photos.blogspot.com

Exhibit B: Eva Longoria

source: celebritiesxone.com

Exhibit C: Penelope Cruz

Source: twolia.com

Newsflash everyone: If Penelope Cruz looks like ass without makeup, what do you think you look like? GET OUT THE EYELINER. NOW!

Seriously though, no one has time for this shit anymore, I get it, I really do. It is my mission to bring you products that are accessible to regular people at moderate prices until I convince you all that even a little mascara is better than nothing at all.

The first product I'd like to feature is Mary Kay's new Timewise Luminous-Wear Foundation. You want a multi-tasker, this product is IT. (Trust me, I have tried every.single.type. of MK foundation and there are several I don't love.)

Here are a few of the attributes listed on the site:

-age-fighting

-luminous/dewy finish

-safe for sensitive skin

-moisturizing complex enriched

Doesn't that SOUND awesome? Well, you're right. It is. I recently tried both of MK's new foundations, Luminous-Wear and Matte-Wear. I was really intrigued to test both products because a matte face seems to be he new hype and yet I, like many of you, I'm sure, have spent oodles of $$$ on illuminators/highlighters/brighteners trying to fake that dewy-but-not-shiny look...so the luminous formula seemed interesting too.

I'll be honest. I did not like the matte foundation. Not at all. It's heavy, smells like the MK sunscreen (yet has no sunscreen in it), it's thick and it is really hard to get off. On the other hand, if you have problems with your foundation rubbing off, the matte-wear foundation might be a great thing.

On to my savior, Luminous-Wear. This stuff is amazing. It goes on smooth, doesn't smell so much like sunscreen and the thickness/coverage is just right. It will cover any old acne scars or red spots, but not leave you looking like you're due on stage any second. Another bonus (and this is true of the matte-wear foundation as well as all their medium coverage foundations) is you no longer need concealer. At all. If you put this foundation on your dark circles, for example, then let it sit for 15-30 seconds, it thickens up a little and works as concealer. What did I tell you? Multi-tasking!

Last, but not least, it really does leave you with a dewy/glow finish. I can't tell you how many compliments I've received on my skin/face since I started using this product. I keep hearing how I have the "pregnant glow" and wanting to scream from the rooftops "IT'S THE MAKEUP!" :) And, in case you wondered, yes I am a glitter addict, but NO, this product will not leave you shiny, sparkly or frosty. Just glowing.

I know I said I would bring moderately priced products to your attention, and some people will find the $20 price tag for this formula outside the "moderate" range, but let me remind you, you no longer need foundation+highlighter+concealer. If you weren't spending $20 on the 3 of those products combined already, then you've been buying junk makeup and it's time for an upgrade anyway. ;)

I guess since I started this post blaming my mom for all life's problems it wouldn't hurt to end on a shout out, right?

If you are interested in this product, or any other Mary Kay products, please check out her website:

http://www.marykay.com/jweinhold/Profile.aspx?m=jweinhold

Haterade of the Day

2011-03-16T16:44:00.000-05:00

Good news everyone! Amendment 1 to SB 4 was narrowly defeated last week! I know I promised to blog about this earlier, but I wanted to have all my facts straight.

I realize that I often blog about issues facing farmers in America, and yet many of my readers aren't farmers and therefore may wonder why they should care, other than a sudden increase in the price of their Corn Flakes. Amendment 1 to SB 4 is a perfect example, and this is why:

Amendment 1 was also known as the "Agricultural Production Sales Tax Exemption Sunset." In layman's terms, this amendment would have required sales tax to be charged on basically everything a farmer purchases for his/her business, including but not limited to: animal feed, seed, semen to inseminate livestock, tractors, breeding horses and fertilizer. Take a minute to think about that.

Fertilizer and chemical bills are coming due soon. It's not unheard of for a mid-sized family farmer to spend upwards of $45,000 on fertilizer/chemicals in ONE YEAR. Though I will not share what we spend, it's important to note that those of us who farm crops such as green beans, which have shorter growing cycles, and therefore are planted twice a year...well, they get fertilizer twice a year too. So there you have it folks, what would have been a $45k bill, suddenly becomes a $49k bill JUST for fertilizer and JUST because of sales tax. Don't forget, that doesn't include the tax that would've been added to the price of your new planter/combine, seeds and more. Oh, and one more thing, not only would we suddenly be charged sales tax on literally EVERY THING we purchase for our business, we also would lose almost 100% of our tax deductions. Who could afford that?!

I know, I know. Evvvvvvvveryone could care less if the farmers don't get a break from the government. After all, the media wants each and every one of you to know about the government subsidies, how ethanol is causing the food crisis and therefore the price of both food AND gas to rise, how corporate farms abuse their livestock and force animals to live in inhumane conditions. Except none of those things are true.

Sure, some farmers get government subsidies...because the government programs are set up in such a way that if you don't accept subsidies on "good" years, then they aren't available when you actually need them during a "bad" year. I've already blogged about how this manufactured idea that ethanol causes both the food and gas prices to rise is factually inaccurate. And, yes, there are corporate farms that abuse livestock, however, over 90% of farms are FAMILY farms and, if nothing else, we can't afford to mistreat our livelihood (livestock).

IF this bill had passed, our family could not afford to stay in business. Period. And we have a decent sized farm. Think how the world would change if this bill had passed and hundreds of Illinois farmers had to go out of business. That's one reason non-farming families should care. Because I can guarantee you, there would be a REAL gas/food price crisis if the farms suddenly disappeared.

Hey non-farmers! Need another reason to care? This unimaginably STUPID amendment would also have eliminated most tax exemptions, deductions and credits for ALL businesses. Do I have your attention? If you own a business, this affects you. If you frequent a business of ANY KIND, this affects you.

Everyone in Peoria, please imagine the following scenario: Caterpillar recently began re-hiring some of its workforce. However, should this idiotic amendment have passed, they would no longer have any deductions on things like WD-40, steel or, gee, I don't know, YELLOW PAINT. You know, the little things. How many people would lose their jobs over that alone? Do I have your attention NOW?

Anyone out there go to the dentist? God knows we do! Imagine how much your bill would be if dentists no longer had tax breaks for all the toothbrushes, floss, gauze, fluoride and mouthwash they use or give away!
The list goes on and on.

Fortunately, as I mentioned earlier, this bill was shot down...by a 4-4 vote. That's a close call, ladies and gents. And as we all know, nothing ever truly goes away in the Senate. I'll be keeping my eye out for more news on this government-induced insanity, and you can be sure if and when it comes up again, you'll be reading about it.

Here We Go Again...

2011-03-02T14:33:00.000-06:00

It's come to my attention that due to the rising cost of food in America, ~~the media~~ people are starting up the corn wars again. This time articles are even being written by normally reputable sources like USA Today, pronouncing ethanol as the behind-the-scenes reason for the uptick in your Froot Loops and HoHos.

I admit that even with the knowledge I possess just from raising corn and living on a farm, after finishing some of these articles, I couldn't help but wonder why people wouldn't presume ethanol is to blame. Thankfully, we have OTHER reputable sources like, ooh I don't know, the Farm Bureau, to refute some of these (sadly, common) misconceptions.

Here are some talking points for those of you out there who want to support me the farmers.

MYTH
Because the govt. offers incentives for farmers who grow corn used in ethanol production, farmers are more likely to sign up to use their corn for ethanol. Meaning that corn which would've been used in food is being diverted to ethanol instead, therefore causing a drastic rise in the price of food due to a lacking supply of corn.

Fact #1
If the US govt. quit offering these ethanol incentives to farmers AND the acres that formerly went to grow "ethanol corn" were instead used for other purposes (including direct food production), the money spent by consumers on food would drop 0.3%, meaning a $5 box of cereal would now cost $0.015 less...so your Special K just went from $5 to $4.985. Or, to spread that math out over a month's time, the average $400/month grocery bill would drop $1.20. Alert the media!

Fact #2
Without ethanol in our gasoline, a gallon of gas would cost 20-35 cents more. That translates into anywhere from an additional $6 to an additional $10.50 PER MONTH, if you only purchase 30 gallons in a month. I don't know about you, but I have an 18 gallon tank, and I'm filling up once a week, on average. So let's extend the math to real life again.

20-35 cents more per gallon x 18 gallons per week x 4 weeks per month (on a short month): $14.40 - $25.20 EXTRA in one month. I couldn't afford that and I don't know too many people who could.

Fact #3
The U.S ethanol industry uses less than 3% of the world's grain supply, and none of its food supply.

Fact #4
In the U.S., only ONE PERCENT of all the corn grown is needed to meet the demand of direct human consumption. That means only 1% of the corn grown here is sweet corn, people! If you're eating corn on the cob, you're eating sweet corn, not field corn. Field corn is what ethanol comes from. Case in point, last year we grew hundreds of acres of field corn...and planted 6 ROWS of sweet corn, just for fun, for our own personal use. In fact, less than 10% of field corn grown is needed for processing for food purposes.

Fact #5
1/3 of the corn that goes into ethanol production is RECYCLED (hear that, green folks?) into the food chain as ready-made livestock feed called DDGS. And, in case you were worried that the California cows might not be so "happy" anymore eating something with a name like DDGS, DDGS actually has more protein than pre-ethanol corn, so it's much more efficient. Efficiency makes cows AND farmers happy!

Fact #6
One more thing about the cow food: Corn is NOT the sole source of livestock feed. Up to 30% of cattle feed and 25% of swine feed comes from soybean meal. AND, although 94% of soybeans grown in the U.S. become livestock feed, only about 40% of U.S corn goes to animals.

So...is anyone else now finding it nearly impossible to explain exactly how ethanol is the cause of the food price "crisis?" What a joke!

What's For Dinner

2011-02-16T20:55:00.000-06:00

I'm no food blogger, but I definitely need to share what I made for dinner. I guess you can expect more of these posts the further along I get in this pregnancy, because boy am I HUNGRY! :)

The main course was Ravioli with Sweet Potatoes and Thyme. I found this recipe in Real Simple last year and it is simple, easy and delicious!

Ravioli with Sweet Potatoes and Thyme
1 lb. sweet potatoes, peeled and diced
1 (16-18 oz) package frozen cheese ravioli
1 tbsp olive oil
Thyme
Goat Cheese
Salt
Pepper

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Combine sweet potatoes, olive oil and thyme in baking dish. Season with salt and pepper. Bake for 35-40 min. covered.
2. Boil pasta. Reserve 1/3 cup pasta water. Drain pasta, then combine pasta, reserved pasta water and sweet potatoes.
3. Sprinkle with goat cheese (if desired) and serve.

Apologies for the tiny picture!

The real kicker, though, was dessert. I tried Tricia Yearwood's Key Lime Cake recipe...O.M.G. The pictures will never do it justice, but here is the recipe so you can see for yourselves:

Key Lime Cake

CAKE

1 3-ounce package lime-flavored gelatin

1¹/3 cups granulated sugar

2 cups sifted all-purpose flour

½ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

5 large eggs, slightly beaten

1½ cups vegetable oil

¾ cup orange juice

1 tablespoon lemon juice

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup Key lime juice (from about 25 small Key limes or 4 large regular limes)

½ cup confectioners' sugar (AKA powdered sugar)

CREAM CHEESE ICING

½ cup (1 stick) butter, room temperature

1 8-ounce package cream cheese, room temperature

1 1-pound box confectioners' sugar

(I used Betty Crocker, from the can, and I'd recommend having 2 cans on hand if you like frosting!)

Here are two quick pictures. Apologies again for the small pictures!

The chocolate covered strawberry was leftover from my Valentine's Day dinner.

They are surprisingly easy to make as well!

Yum!

This is Real Life

2011-01-20T10:46:00.000-06:00

Adam and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary yesterday. Thank you all for the kind Facebook comments and well wishes. I commented with all the cliches, "time flies," "it feels like yesterday," "I can't believe it's been three years," and etc. Although they are all true, they're kind of boring. Instead of rehashing the same dull cliches, here's a highlight reel from January 19, 2008.

-Busting the zipper on my wedding dress as soon as I sat down at the head table...because it was -4 degrees outside and now I was inside and it was "hot."
-The reception manager's face when I asked if she could turn on the A/C due to it being so "hot."
-Kristin crying in the bathroom...because she was afraid the winery was "out of wine."
-Sleepke passed out in the Tahoe for most of the reception, despite it being -4 degrees.
-Adam hamming it up during the vows, making sure everyone heard him repeat "For richer OR POORER."
-Friend of the family being so drunk she ate pizza after it fell face-down on the floor.
-Mom hearing "Baby Got Back" for the first time and declaring it her favorite song ever.

-And, most importantly, a big thank you to all our friends and relatives who, despite the weather, very long drives, beauty pageants, the flu, morning sickness and being almost 9 months pregnant, still made it to celebrate with us.

Now, as great as our wedding day was, everyone knows that the longer you're married, the more likely it is that the "honeymoon is over." (You knew I couldn't leave out the best cliche of all!)

Here is how we've spent our first few anniversaries:
-Honeymoon: Aruba
-1st Anniversary: Galena, bed and breakfast, skiing, drinking wine and relaxing
-2nd Anniversary: Celebrated ahead of time by going back to Aruba over New Year's

Anniversary three...a little different. The weekend before, we headed to Bloomington to visit with friends and meet a new baby. The day before our anniversary, we went to Champaign for an Illini game and spent three hours on a slick, ice- and snow-covered road trying to get home. We were tired.

Day of our anniversary:
-Discuss making a reservation at Biaggi's in Bloomington
-Decide we are losers and tired of driving
-Discuss where to eat instead
-Decide Grizzly's is not romantic
-Decide to put on sweatpants, make homemade pizza and watch American Idol
-Realize how many commercials American Idol has this year, switch to Hardcore Pawn instead
-Watch AI on DVR, complain about commercials and judge's judging ability (Did you SEE the first two who made it to Hollywood? YIKES.)
-Go to bed.

We rock.

Side note: In case anyone missed it, a big congratulations goes out to Nicole S. for her winning comment in last week's Shutterfly giveaway. Thanks to everyone who entered and stay tuned for more giveaways in the future.

We are leaving soon for the Bahamas (celebrating our anniversary in less loser-like fashion) so I will be away from the blog for awhile. Hopefully, Adam, Homer Gene and I will return tanned (except HG) and refreshed!

Pregnancy Top 10 + Giveaway!

2011-01-11T16:45:00.000-06:00

I made a little list, just for fun, of the top 10 things I wish someone told me (beforehand) about pregnancy. Hopefully this list will make you laugh, and provide some helpful tips for anyone thinking about becoming a parent, or in the throes of pregnancy along with me!

10. What to Expect...When You're Reading "What to Expect"
This book is known as the #1 Best-Selling baby book of all time. I had some questions about it ahead of time because many of the things women today "just know" came from the "rules" in this book; things like not to use a hot tub while pregnant, not to use Advil, etc.

What I didn't know is that this book is really hit or miss. Some women swear by it, couldn't have lived without it...other (ME!) hated every second of the parts they did read, and didn't bother to finish it because it's a waste of time.

Reasons I hated it:
A) There is a disproportionately large portion of the beginnning of the book describing what to do if you are pregnant and addicted to cocaine, how to stop using, resources to help you accomplish that goal, etc. Now, that is a serious problem (if you have it) but I'm going to venture a guess that most women who become pregnant are not, in fact, addicted to coke (unless you're talking about the kind in a red can), and it would be much more helpful to have a large section discussing how to cut back on caffeine, sushi, coffee, anything else that an average woman might consume on a regular basis. Quit wasting time with coke.

B) I still have not figured out why this author is the #1 Best-Selling author of baby books. She is not a doctor, nurse or involved in the medical profession in any way. She does not have a degree of any kind in child/human studies/development. WHY is she the utmost authority on pregnancy?? I don't know about any of you, but it's hard to take anything she says seriously.

C) All the "rules" I mentioned previously...they're not all true. Doctors have varying opinions on varying topics, so I tend to trust them (again, they have DEGREES, PRACTICE, and a hell of a lot of years of SCHOOLING) more than some random chick who's had two kids and is suddenly an expert.

9. Morning Sickness: A Misnomer

I really believe the term "morning sickness" came about because it sounds cute...well, cuter than "Could be Any Time of Day and You May Just WISH You Were Sick."

See, a lot of people warned me that morning sickness could creep up on you at any time and that some lucky bitches...er...people don't get it at all. What I didn't know is that you can have what is considered "morning sickness" but not throw up. Before I was pregnant, I had this crazy thought that if I ended up with morning sickness once I was pregnant, it wouldn't be a big deal because puking was my go-to strategy when I drank too much in college. Vomit does not gross me out in any way. So, naturally, I end up with the worst possible situation (for me, at least): spending the whole day nauseated and WISHING I could just throw up and get it over with, but unable to do so. Of course, this leads in to...

8. Battle of the Opposites

What I mean by this is that pretty much whatever goes on with your health in your regular life, you will have the opposite happen while pregnant. For example, I had great skin (perhaps partially due to birth control) for most of my life. Little acne here and there, nothing noteworthy. Then I got pregnant. BAM! I turn into Zitzilla, Acne Queen of Goofy Ridge. Only now I can't do anything about it, because all the zit creams are against the "rules." Good thing I threw those rules out the window. Example number 2 (pun intended): You've all heard about my digestive issues in the past. Let's just say I now have the opposite problem in a major way. Prenatal vitamins block you up, being pregnant slows your digestion down, which has the same effect...suddenly I'm spending hours in the bathroom praying TO go instead of my usual "Dear God, make it stop!!!" Not cool!

There has been one exception that I'm not sure how I feel about just yet: my fat gut. Now before you all write comments about how I should be proud of my body and not worry about how I look, just calm down and let me explain. Pregnant people get fat guts, OK, I get it. That's totally fine with me, in fact, I should be USED TO IT, right? :) But this has been my one exception to the Battle of the Opposites...my stomach is getting bigger every day. I didn't expect it to shrink, but I really thought no matter how big my stomach got, there would still be that protective layer of fat on top of it. I don't know what happened but that fat has turned hard as a rock. Too bad it won't stay that way forever. So I guess there are SOME health issues that won't be opposite.

7. Maternity Pants SUCK!

I assumed that I would just wake up one day and POW! my pants wouldn't fit. Luckily, my penchant for leggings saved the day, because I was exactly right. I woke up one day, thankfully not a day that I needed to be anywhere in a hurry, and tried on 3 pairs of pants before I figured out the dryer was not the problem. Enter the super stretch waistband maternity pants. Here is where I went wrong. I also assumed that if your regular pants do not fit, no big deal, you could just go straight to maternity pants and they would be great. WRONG! Maybe my ass is too small, maybe maternity pants are only made for people who are in the 3rd trimester, I don't know, but these pants are terrible. I'd tell you the brand, but I have several and they all have the same issue: SDB, saggy diaper butt. There are not enough Be-Bands, Bella Bands, Belly Bands, etc. in the world to hold these pants up. By the end of the day, I have enough room in my pants for a fully loaded pair of Depends and a large penis. Moral of the story: You are going to have to buy new clothes in your third trimester anyway (if for no other reason than you'll be in a different season and have to change styles accordingly) so the "bigger is better" rule does NOT apply to pants. Buy your regular size and be HAPPY!

6. Baby Message Boards...More Hurtful than Helpful

There are a million of them out there, babycenter.com, whattoexpect.com, etc. etc. Sometimes you will luck out and find some helpful tips, but most of the time it's just a bunch of psychotic hormonal freaks trying to see who they can make burn through a box of Kleenex the fastest. Seriously, they are mean!

5. Everyone's a Critic

Speaking of baby message boards, beware of the critics. There are some nutty people out there, and everyone truly believes their way is the "right" way and therefore will argue to the death that you are wrong, going to be a bad mom, stupid, ignorant, etc...and those are the nice terms. God forbid you decide to do something "unnatural" like circumcise your son, formula feed or require a c-section...they'll be all over you!

And this isn't even going into the opinions of family members. Good grief! Luckily, I have a really supportive family who I know will answer any questions I have...but that doesn't mean there haven't been disagreements. Last week I had to "explain myself" because I drink milk that (at the time) I wasn't sure whether it came from cows who were given growth hormones. In truth, I don't care that much, and it turned out the milk does not come from the Sammy Sosas of cattle, but the mere fact that I had to hear about it surprised me. People mean well overall...but make sure not to ask for opinions on something if you're not willing to take some criticism once in awhile. I've decided to do whatever is best for me and my family, and whatever that is, everyone else will just have to deal with it.

4. Cheap Entertainment that Doesn't Involve Drinking? Message Boards!

I know this might sound like a contradiction, but if you can handle the 24/7 drama-rama, there are some good laughs to be had on the message boards.

A few weeks ago, a woman asked if it was safe, now that she's pregnant, to continue using her vibrator. Now this is not just any vibrator. Apparently, and I didn't get all the details, it is some special kind of vibrator that you do not remove while having sex. She wanted to know if it would hurt the baby if she continued to use it. Call me a prude, but if I had that type of question...I don't think I'd ask (or trust) the advice of total strangers on the internet. Not to mention...if I can give up Captain Morgan for 9 months, which I guarantee I used more than this lady uses her vibrator, is it really so terrible to have to lay off the sex toys for 9 months? Weirdo.

My other personal favorite is the first time mom, 19 so she knows everything, who asked if it was "wrong" to want to have a c-section because she is afraid of ripping or having to get an episiotomy. THIRTY EIGHT PAGES later she finally saw the hypocrisy in her question: it's a little ridiculous to be afraid of a one inch tear "down there" and yet wish for a much larger cut in your abdomen, through 7 layers of skin and muscle tissue. Luckily, she finally realized she may be 19 but she does not know everything.

3. Superman vs. Super Jerk

From what I've gathered through speaking with several pregnant friends, you're either going to love your husband a lot more, or hate his baby-making guts. Fortunately, I have a great husband who is very understanding and really relaxed about all the stupid "rules." He asks if I want a glass of wine when he has one, he tells me to go ahead and eat turkey sandwiches, etc etc.

With that being said, it's important to remember one piece of advice a friend DID tell me long before I was pregnant. Although it's not their fault, men just don't get it. Women get pregnant and their whole life changes rapidly. Everything from your diet to your clothes to your skin care regimen to your outlook on life...it's all different now. You are bonding with that baby every second of every day; and most importantly, you are a MOM. Right now. Men...they're not growing a baby inside, their diet and clothes do not change (unless THEY are eating for two), so they do not have the same bond with the baby. They can't get it, it's not their fault. So ease up on them a little, OK ladies? Once that baby shows up, everything changes again...if that baby doesn't have them wrapped around it's little finger, they're at least stalking through the house in their ugly jeans and dad shoes turning off light bulbs and complaining about doors not being shut properly. Enjoy this phase while you can! :)

2. Needle Gut

This isn't as foreboding as it sounds, but it's important to know. Your ligaments stretch to accommodate the baby, and the most important ligament stretching to occur involves the ligaments in your pelvis. Unfortunately, what they don't tell you is that these "stretches" feel like a sharp needle stab right in the pelvis. It can occur at any time, simply from getting out of bed or shifting in your chair. And let me tell you, when it happens, yikes! It's over quickly, thank the Lord, but it's a surprise each and every time.

1. There are No Congressional Medals of Honor for Being Tough

Here's the truth about all the "rules" regarding things you can and can't do, eat, breathe, etc. (check with your own doctor first!):
-You can eat cold deli meat, just be sure you're not eating it out of a dumpster
-You can have a glass of wine once in awhile. Moderation is key, and not just in this rule.
-You can take hot baths and get in the hot tub. If you turn down the hot tub to body temperature, it cannot hurt your baby, though you still shouldn't stay in there for hours. I will say that a 98 degree hot tub feels like a luke warm pool and, in my opinion, isn't worth it...but to each their own. Our bodies are a wonderful thing, and they will let you know if you are overheating.
-You are not going to hurt your baby if you have an epidural or any other drugs during delivery.
-You cannot paint, the fumes are toxic.
-MASON COUNTY ONLY: DO NOT drink the tap water. It is not safe for pregnant women. Period.

Now for the best part: THE GIVEAWAY!

Leave your best piece of information, advice, etc. in the comments or on the Facebook page, and the best one will win a $20 gift card to Shutterfly! Contest ends Friday, Jan. 14th, 2011 at 8:00 AM! You do not have to be currently pregnant to win! Good luck!

More Changes Coming...Soon?

2011-01-11T11:42:00.000-06:00

Big changes, lots of changes!

I don't want to pull a Verizon and lie to you all about when this is going to happen, because the truth is I don't know yet. I am currently working with a marketing and design wonder woman on redesigning this site in a lot of ways. I just wanted to prepare you all. We'll have a new design, a logo and more! I realize this is not that exciting for a lot of you readers, but it's pretty freakin' cool for me!

One of the coolest things I'm going to start doing is giveaways! Look for the first one coming up later on this afternoon!

Project Life

2011-01-06T17:49:00.001-06:00

Yes, this is another scrapbooking post.

This scrapbooking post, however, contains a new form of scrapbooking that, although it may not have changed my life, definitely, 100%, erased my fears of scrapbooking. See, I went to school for advertising, so a lot of people think that I must be really creative. And maybe I am, with words...but when it comes to design...not so much. I know what I like, but I never know how to get there. My sister is a wonder woman when it comes to these things, but I can't call her every time I don't know whether to use paste or double-sided tape. (I'm sure she's reading this now, thinking, "You NEVER use paste in a scrapbook, dummy!")

This revolution is called Project Life. Project Life was created by another wonder woman named Becky Higgins. She is the ultimate scrapbooker, even formerly worked for a scrapbooking magazine. (Yes there are MAGAZINES for this shit. Who knew?) What Becky tapped into, that changed everything, is that there were a LOT of people like me out there. People with boxes of old photos, eons of hopes and dreams and plans to organize them all...later. And those of you who've been watching my new favorite channel, OWN, know that Peter Walsh says "later" is the best friend of clutter. Touche, Peter, touche.
So let's get to it. Becky is so awesome that she even has a video showing you a lot of what I'm showing you below. Here is the video. To me, Project Life is a kit that allows you to seamlessly and effortlessly organize all your photos without the hassle of: A) design work and B) a $300 trip to Hobby Lobby for supplies. The most common way people (including Becky herself) use the kit is to take one photo every day for the year, and put them all in the Project Life kit. If that sounds too daunting, you can use it for a baby's first year album (which I intend to do for Homer Gene) and just put a selection of the 2 billion photos from baby's first year in the album, rather than taking one a day. You can use it for a school year, for a summer trip, for a holiday album, whatever you want. That's the beauty of Project Life, you can organize it HOWEVER.YOU.WANT. No rules! You know I love that! :)

The kit comes with a 3-ring binder, plastic sleeves to hold all the photos for each week, title cards for each week, month dividers, journaling cards so you can have captions and notes for all the photos, a date stamp so you can date each title card or anything else you want, bi-fold journaling cards for those times when you just have a little more to say (or, like me, have big handwriting), arrow stickers to point from photos to notes if you choose to, several sheets of double-sided cardstock for whole page designs, and more!

Now if you're technologically savy, or just plain don't want all that "paper crap" (as Adam says) loitering in your closets, there is also an online version, which is a little more expensive...BUT you don't have to print out each week's photos, you just upload them to your computer like you normally would and use the Project Life program to build an album. So the cost pretty much evens out. (Side note: This is another place you could use your very own handwriting font that I mentioned here.)

There are two choices for the color scheme of this year's Project Life kit: The Amber Edition and the Turquoise Edition. The Amber edition is a little more yellow (obviously) and warm color-toned, and a little more flowery/girlie. Hopefully Homer will turn out to be a boy, because I bought the Turquoise Edition to use for his baby's first year album. The Turquoise edition is more cool-toned, shapes, graphics, browns, blue/teals and reds. If Homer turns out to be a girl, I will either use it anyway, or make my own version online and use the kit for a general 2011 album (yes, I'm doing TWO Project Life albums this year, I like it that much!).

I took some photos of my Turquoise Edition kit after it arrived in the mail, so that all of you can see what I'm talking about.

The Project Life kit

The Turquoise Edition binder

Some of the journaling cards

Close up of some journaling cards

Title/Date cards

Decorating cards for fun

Bi-fold cards for when you need to write more & the date stamp

Month dividers

Full page double-sided cardstock

Photo divider sleeves

One other tip, especially if you are design-challenged like me, check out the Project Life website for ideas on what to do with all this stuff, how to arrange it, cool layouts and etc. It really helps. I'll be posting pictures of my layouts once I get started, so you all can see. Just don't expect them to be pretty. :)

Things Are A' Changin!

2010-12-23T07:27:00.000-06:00

Funny thing about being a blogger...after you do it for awhile, it becomes second-nature to share things that many would find too personal, particularly for (possibly) hundreds or thousands of strangers.

With that being said, I'd like to apologize for my long absences from this blog lately. I found it easier to say nothing than to try and find things to write about OTHER THAN the one thing I've been keeping to myself.

But, in the meantime, I wrote a poem. :)

Laser vision's failing me
3 AM? Time to pee!
Spend my days on the couch
Politely put...being a grouch

Takes four days for a decent poop
Too late now to fly the coop!
Everyone has their own "advice"
But I'm keeping my mouth shut...being nice.

Many more months to go
Now everyone will know
No more secrets, not even maybe...

Adam and I are HAVING A BABY!

And to think there are people who believe I wasted 4 years of Journalism school... :)

Attention All Scrapbookers!

2010-12-21T17:34:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my friend Rebecca at Better Life Bags, I learned about one of the coolest things I've ever seen online.
All you scrapbookers out there know how time consuming and frustrating it can be to spend hours and hours writing captions by hand (or trying to remember what was going on in a photo you took 2 months ago and now have to write a caption for!) for all your scrapbook pages; not to mention how annoying it is as a digital scrapbooker to be stuck with your good friends Arial and Times New Roman on every project, rather than your own handwriting.

Enter Darcy Baldwin, "fontographer" at Sweet Shoppe Designs. This woman is amazing! She can take your handwriting and turn it into your very own font. You can use it in Word, Blogger, Photoshop, Creative Memories and more! There are several options to choose from, including print and cursive!

I have always had TERRIBLE handwriting, both print and cursive, and therefore have developed my own brand of handwriting that I call "printive." I wasn't sure whether "printive" would translate into a print or cursive style font from Darcy, so I emailed her to ask. Darcy is so easy to work with! She was so sweet and even offered to look at a few sentences ahead of time that I wrote out and scanned in. Talk about personal attention! So many times online businesses don't want to work with customizing and individualizing, but that is definitely not the case here!

You can go here to see a sample of what Rebecca sent in and got back for her handwriting-into-font.

This is what I sent in:

And this is what I got back:

Pretty cool huh?

Here's a close up, side-by-side view of my handwriting compared to my new font:

It's not too late to give this as a Christmas present to all your scrapbook-loving friends and family!

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

2010-12-15T13:56:00.000-06:00

If you've ever read my blog, you know that I am an animal lover, dog owner and absolute advocate for animals and their care and well-being. If you read my previous blog regarding The Humane Society of The United States (HSUS), available here, then you also know that HSUS is not what they appear and that my animal advocacy does have its limits. I will fight vigorously against any organization that promotes the spreading of lies and half-truths regarding animal agriculture.

Something has been bothering me for a few years now, and with all the nasty weather we've had in the past few weeks (and no doubt more to come), I think now is the perfect time to bring it up.

There is a home on the main drag in Havana which houses a family who owns a yellow lab. This lab, for reasons I will never understand, is locked in an outdoor chain link fenced kennel with a dog house TWENTY FOUR SEVEN. I have driven past this home countless times; the dog is almost always in the kennel, alone. This includes times when the family living there was outside, playing in the very yard where the kennel sits, with the dog sitting inside his cage home, behind the fence, watching them. It makes me want to cry just remembering how sad that poor dog looked watching his family play and being unable to join in.

This dog is out there in the spring, in the fall, in the blazing heat of summer (though I will say, he was not in his kennel one day when it was 93 degrees...but he was the day before and the day after when it was less than 5 degrees cooler), and in the dead of winter. Granted, they did put straw bales around his dog house to help serve as a wind break and insulation, but still. Doesn't anyone watch the news? You can't leave pets outside in extreme weather! If for some reason this dog cannot be trusted in the house, #1 why did you get it? and #2. Put the dog in the garage!

Before all my country friends blow up my comment section reminding me how their outside dogs have all been well-treated and loved, save your breath. I know! Believe it or not, I don't have a problem with outside dogs. Not at all. Some dogs are simply too big, too rowdy or too testy to be left indoors all the time. Personally, I don't see the point in having a pet if you're going to lock it outdoors for the majority of its life, but that's just me. It doesn't mean I think you are a bad person if you have outdoor pets.

What I DO have a problem with are people who chain their dogs to trees, lock them up in kennels and never let them out, don't provide proper veterinary (or any other) care, don't let them in during periods of extreme heat or cold, etc. These things are considered neglect in its most basic form, and also illegal, so it looks like I'm not the only one who has a problem with them.

While I'm on the subject, here is another thing that boggles my mind: people dumping their pets off at already overwhelmed and overflowing shelters, simply because they "cannot afford" their pets anymore. WHAT?! I understand that many people feel animals are not humans and therefore should not be afforded the same rights, but by the same token...would you drop off your baby at an orphanage because you lost your job? No. Pets are a responsibility, a big one, for years to come, and if you have even a shadow of a doubt that you might EVER have a problem affording or caring for a pet, DON'T GET A PET! Duh. I have a shadow of a doubt that even if I won the lottery, I wouldn't be able to afford or properly care for a Ferrari for the "life" of the car, so guess what? I won't be buying one. Dr. Phil is right: Common sense just isn't common enough these days.

If you lose your job, believe me, I know, it's a horrible feeling. But don't dump your dog at PAWS or TAPS because you moved into an apartment that doesn't accept pets! Find an apartment that accepts pets! Find a friend or family member who will care for your pet at their home until you can get back on your feet. At the very least, put an ad in the paper, online, at the vet's office, and find a good forever home for your pet. That animal is your responsibility, not TAPS' and not PAWS'.

I know I'm not the only one who's seen this lab in Havana. I don't know what to do about it. We don't have animal control, and as much as the dog's owners piss me off something fierce, I suspect that the dog is still better off there than in a shelter somewhere. I suppose all that I can do is hope that I am serving as a reminder to my wonderful readers to take the time to really make sure your outside pets are cared for and safe during the winter.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

2010-11-09T12:59:00.000-06:00

I began the countdown on facebook a few weeks ago, but it bears mentioning again: Christmas is only 46 days away. Let the holiday meltdowns begin.

Those of you who have read this blog...ever...know that I frequently get questions about what I "do all day," and how much I really enjoy not only the fact that people feel like it's OK to ask, but the hidden condescension behind the question. (AKA "Why don't you contribute to the household instead of sitting on your ass all day?" I'm not stupid. That's what people really want to know.)

The truth is, I participate in several things which earn money on the side. (No, not THOSE things, pervs!) I'm not saying this extra cash will have me rollin' on 24s any time soon, but it might buy a new set of tires!

With that in mind, here are my holiday money saving/general extra money earning tips which I know come in handy this time of year.

#1. Shop@Home
One thing that surprised the hell out of me after I moved to the Ridge is how much online shopping became a necessity. Let's face it, there's not much out here in the way of clothing, shoes...basically anything without camo or polyester somehow involved. Before I moved, I honestly thought my desire to visit a "real city" would be so overwhelming that I would find myself driving to Peoria/Bloomington at least once a week. Wrong. Instead, I've found myself talking to my UPS driver at least once a week.

This is where Shop@Home comes in. Here's a good example. Next week, Gap is having another Give and Get 30% off sale. Need Christmas presents and want to save even more money? Sign up for a free shop@home account. When you are ready to shop, go to their website, type in Gap, and you'll see that Gap purchases are now earning 4% cash back. (The percentages change from day to day.) That means whatever you spend, even if you end up returning it, you get 4% of the total purchase put back into your shop@home account. Then, click on "Shop Now" and it will take you directly to gap.com, but it tracks the amt. you spend in order to give you the right amt. of cash back. So now you've saved 30% PLUS the extra 4% rebate in cash.
It may sound confusing, but it's not. Every time you want to shop online, go to shop@home first, check to see if there are coupons or cash rebates. They send you a check every month that you have more than $20 in rebates in your account. For me, this has been every month for the last year. I've earned almost $200 in rebate cash. There are no tricks, no points, nothing. If you think about it, living out here, you're going to shop online anyway, so you might as well save some extra money doing what you're already doing, right? 4% (or more) of your total Christmas spending=a lot of extra cash! If 4% doesn't sound like a lot, remember that is actually a low percentage. Last year, around this time, Apple had 10-12% cash back (that's over $20 if you're buying an iPod!) and several other stores like Nordstrom, Sephora, JC Penney, hell...even Staples, have had rebates in the double digits. There are some companies that don't participate in Shop@Home (Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn for example), but not many.

Want to sign up? Go here: http://www.shopathome.com/?IAFCG=cu2PJsCLnqEMVMmvT8sF1Q

#2 Swagbucks
Another site that is basically the same principle as Shop@Home, but honestly, not as good. They don't have as many stores available for rebates. The only reason I use Swagbucks is on the off chance that Shop@Home doesn't have the store I'm looking for...but that hasn't happened yet. Also, this site requires you to redeem "points" not cash back, which I think is a little more confusing. To each their own. My friend recently redeemed her points for a new bread maker, so it does work!

Want to sign up? Go here: http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/mangobtl487

Now we get to the money EARNING part. Before I run through the gamut of money earning, I should disclose that these do take some time, depending on how many you involve yourself in. Again, you're not going to get rich with these things. In my book, extra money=extra shoes and makeup, so there's my motivation.

Are you the kind of person who can't sit still? The kind of person who feels like they need to be "doing something" when they're supposed to be relaxing and watching TV? I am, and that is where this next list of things comes in. Surveys. These companies will pay you to take their surveys. They tell you up front how much you'll earn and how long they will take, (some are 5 minutes, some are up to 30-45 minutes), which is great because you know right off the bat if you have time to take the survey right then, or not. Each company has their own quirks, so here's a quick description of each of them.

#1 Mindfield Surveys

These are probably my favorite surveys. They want to know about anything and everything, which means there are a lot of opportunities for surveys and they don't get boring. They've asked me about health insurance, dishwasher detergent, granola bars, you name it. They also had me do a 3 week study on new types of dog treats, where they sent me THREE full size boxes of treats, one per week, to test out on Bella and see if she liked the flavor (She did. I asked). Another time, I was asked to test out a new type of shaving cream, rate the scent, consistency, etc. Then you get to keep the products afterwards. This site pays in cash, in $5 increments. So far, I've earned $31.

Want to sign up? Go here: http://mindfieldonline.com/referral/1285ce94

#2. Ipsos i-Say

These are really fun surveys. Sometimes they show you movie trailers, sometimes youtube video clips. Sometimes it's just regular surveys. The best part is, when you finish the survey, they ask if you want to play a quick trivia game for entries into various $1000 sweepstakes. They'll ask you a trivia question like "What percentage of American men have been kicked out of a bar?" You guess, and depending on how close you are to the correct answer, you get that many sweepstakes entries. Your surveys earn points, which you redeem for cash. 1000 points=$10 cash. Currently I've earned $35.90.

Want to sign up? Go here: http://www.i-say.com/ReferFriends/tabid/73/Default.aspx

#3. My Points

This one I'm so-so on. It takes longer to earn points and it takes more points to qualify for cash rewards or gift cards. 4500 points= $25 visa gift card. So far I've earned 1285 points.

Want to sign up? Go here: https://www.mypoints.com/emp/u/editProfile.do?view=faf

#4. HCD Surveys

If you like politics (or even if you hate them) this one is for you! It doesn't matter where you are in the political spectrum, they want to know. Usually what happens is something will go down politically and be all over the news (the potential mosque near Ground Zero, Sarah Palin running ads for president, etc etc.) and they'll have a survey where you answer some questions about how you think things are going in the country, then you watch these ads/news clips/presidential speech clips for about a minute or two. Then they ask the same 5 questions again to see if your viewing of the video clips changed your mind. The cool thing about this site is, they will actually email you the results of the overall survey when they're done. For example, after I participated in the Sarah Palin ads survey, their study showed that Republicans are more supportive of Palin after watching the ads. Just an example. These surveys earn points for cash, and fairly quickly. 1000 points=$10. So far I've earned 400 points, but I started pretty recently.

Want to sign up? Go here: http://www.HCDSurveys.com/panel/join.cfm?REFER=241019

#5. Inbox Dollars
This one is really different. There are the usual surveys, but you can also opt to be sent "paid emails." A paid email is an email sponsored by a company, with a link at the bottom that says "click here." You don't have to read the email, just scroll to the bottom and click the link. Done. You get paid. The actual amount per email varies, and isn't much, but on this site you also get to control how often they send you emails. You could get up to 20+ "paid emails" a day, which is what I do, and it adds up. This site pays cash as well. So far I've earned $18.

Want to sign up? Go here: http://www.inboxdollars.com/members/refer

#6. My Survey

This one also has a lot of product testing. They've had me test one of those automatic dishwasher detergent deals where you install it inside your dishwasher and it does the detergent for you instead of you doing it each time. I didn't know what an automatic detergent dispenser was when I signed up, so I sent it back without ever installing it, filled out the surveys they sent saying why I didn't use it, and I still got paid. These surveys are either really few points, or really large amounts of points, not much in between. But they're usually pretty straightforward. They pay cash or gift cards (depending on what you want), 1100 points for $10. So far, I have 1745 points.

Want to sign up? Go here: www.mysurvey.com

#7. Opinion Outpost

This one has the most available surveys by a landslide. The topics are all over the place, so you don't get bored. They also have the option to limit how many emails you receive per day/week. These surveys are rewarded with points, each point=$0.10, so 50 points = $5. They send checks in $5 increments. So far I've earned 369 points which equals $36.90. You have a lot of opportunities to make a good amount on these surveys.

Want to sign up? Go here: http://OpinionOutpost.com/join/8216141

One tip I've learned while participating in these surveys is, if you're going to really throw yourself into taking these surveys, you may want to get a separate email address so it doesn't flood your "real" inbox. Have an email address that you started in junior high? One so embarrassing you can't put it on resumes? Well, "hottie69@ AOL," here's the perfect opportunity to banish that turd of an email address for good. Just sayin'.

Again, these surveys do take time. They're probably not for people who have super super busy 9-5s and don't even want to SEE a computer on the weekend. But for those of us who ARE at home more regularly, check it out! They really like moms. Think of all the diaper, formula, baby food, baby ANYTHING product testing. If your kid hates the new flavor of Cheerios, leaks through a new diaper, is still illiterate after a month of using LeapFrog...they want to know.

A Word to the Wise

2010-10-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

This week I learned a life lesson that I think is going to help a lot of people. I'm confident in that thought because I know I cannot possibly be the only person who does something as stupid as the following story.

Last week, I noticed there was a rip in the sidewall of my front tire and, consequently, the tire was beginning to pull apart. Not good. I had to miss a baby shower because it was recommended that I not drive too far on the bad tire. Plus, it was a weekend and all the tire shops were closed.

Monday, the fun began. I called a local tire shop, found out they aren't a Goodyear dealer, and they recommended that I contact an official GY dealer because I might be able to get a prorated tire. Perfect!

First, I called Honda because we have an extended service plan, and they informed me that although they would be happy to "go to bat" for me, I need to have the tire examined by an actual official GY dealer to determine the cause of the rip. OK fine. Then, I drove to Pekin to the GY dealer, and they informed me that the rip in the sidewall is considered a "road hazard" and since this actual GY dealer did not sell me the tire (these tires obviously came on the car when I bought it at Honda) that they themselves couldn't prorate it, so I should call Honda and see if they have any kind of agreement for road hazard warranties. They don't. Apparently, some time ago the federal govt. told car manufacturers that if they purchased road hazard warranties on the tires put on new vehicles, this meant if I bought a new car and got a flat, the manufacturer would have to come out and fix it, or replace the tires. Well, shock of all shocks, they didn't want to do that so there is not one single manufacturer who purchases road hazard warranties on the tires new vehicles come with. So basically, the next time you go buy a car, you might as well ask how much the car costs without tires, then buy your own tires at the dealership, because THOSE have road hazard warranties. But in this particular case...I'm screwed.

And if that wasn't enough, the GY dealer also informed me that the back tires show uneven wear and over half the tread on the front tires is gone. I was shocked! The car only has 18k miles on it and the tire man had just finished telling me they are 60k mile tires...so what gives? I certainly don't want to replace the ripped tire with another tire exactly like it if the tread is going to wear off that fast!

After much discussion, it was determined that the reason for the uneven wear on the back (which is normally indicative of a problem with the car, not the tires) AND the tread being so far gone on the front is that I hadn't taken the car in to have the tires rotated yet. Shit. I knew it needed to be done, but I procrastinated big time. As it turns out, you should rotate your tires every 5-6k miles, which means I should've been on my third rotation already. Damn, damn, double damn!

So I am telling everyone I know, especially women (because, let's face it, there is a large majority of us who don't know, or give a shit, about tires!) PLEASE ROTATE YOUR TIRES REGULARLY. Learn from my $170 moron mistake.

Another helpful tip for the ladies: No one feels sorry for you and wants to prorate your tires when you're wearing Prada sunglasses. Even tire guys know that. Not that I know this from recent personal experience or anything...

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2010-09-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

Let me paint a picture for you.

It's a beautiful fall (when did THAT happen?) day, the sun is shining, there's a nice breeze. I've just been to the library and picked up 4 new books. I'm driving home, Bella's riding shotgun, and I'm thinking how happy I am and how great my life is.

The seat belt alarm goes off because Bella is clearly not wearing her seat belt. She hates this sound, so she moves to the back seat. No big deal.

I continue driving, checking out how far all the farmers have gotten in their fields. As I turn back to the road, I happen to look at the seat Bella just vacated.

Apparently Bella has yet to learn Skid's Greatest Life Lesson: Never Trust a Fart. There on the seat are the remnants of a shart.

Reason #213 why I am glad to have leather seats.

Is it a Full Moon? Nope, Just Harvest!

2010-09-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was just one of those days. I should have known it was going to be one of those days as soon as I woke up, for one reason.

It's the first day of (custom) harvest. That always brings challenges no matter how prepared you THINK you are.

First, Adam calls before I'm even out of bed. Not a good sign. He informs me that in all the excitement of getting started with harvest, he forgot to take the car to Havana to get fixed. So I need to drive out to the field, pick up our farm hand and the car, and make sure everything gets taken care of. No big deal, right? That's my "job" since I work for him.

In case the mere fact that it's the first day of harvest was not indicative enough that something would go wrong, I make it 10 feet out of the driveway and immediately have to pull over because there is a HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE taking up the entire road.

WHERE THE HELL AM I?!?!

This isn't even one of those nice, pretty, white horse drawn carriages like you see in downtown St. Louis. No. This is a one bench-er, driven by two women who, at first glance, I thought were Amish. That would explain their desperate need for "Pimp My Ride" and their long hair. But they weren't wearing skirts. And upon further inspection, I realized they were most likely just "ridge rich."

I'm also beginning to wonder if they are the owners of this "vehicle" I spotted last week at Larry's.

For my city friends, imagine if the "carriage" in the first picture was tipped forwards. Now can you see where the horse would be tied, and the bench where the owners would sit? Notice the cooler. CLASSY! The second photo is the horse that pulls said "carriage."

The "day o' fun" was not over, though. When I went to pick up the car, I found out our other farm hand was stuck at the popcorn plant because the plant broke down, and the trucker who was supposed to be helping us out since our Penske semi wasn't available yet, brought one truck instead of two. Awesome.

By the time I got back home, Adam's calling again saying now our semi is available, so come back to the field, pick up our driver, go to the insurance agent's office to pick up the paperwork and head to East Peoria to pick up the truck. Again, this shouldn't be a big deal. We've done it before and will do it again every year. It's part of harvest.

Wrong. We get to the agent's office and not only is she not there, but she has a new secretary who has never been through harvest before. So the agent left her secretary to do the dirty work which, in this case, meant dealing with the paperwork and informing us that for the first time ever, they are requiring us to drive the semi back from East Peoria to their office so they can take a picture of it. Um...what? I asked if I could just take a picture on my Blackberry and send it to the agent directly, either by text or email. I even asked if I could just take a photo on my digital camera and send it to the agent directly. No. Why? Because she has to download it directly from HER camera. Ooook. Remind me again HOW they think a semi is going to park in a parking lot that has exactly 4 spaces and nowhere to turn around?

We arrive at the Penske office and walk in, joking about how smoothly things had gone so far, and wondering what we were walking into this year. God bless the man working the main desk at Penske. That phone did not stop ringing long enough for him to hang up with one person and walk 3 steps to the fax machine. When it finally did stop ringing, what do you know? Our agent sent the wrong paperwork. AGAIN. Last year, Adam and I both had to argue with her before finally Penske got on the phone and convinced her that she was wrong. This year, I just let the Penske man handle it himself.

*NOTE TO ALL FARMERS: If you are renting a truck, please make sure your insurance agent knows the difference between "proof of insurance" and "certificate of insurance." They are NOT the same thing. *

Our driver and I waited for 2 hours. Nothing. No fax, no phone call, nothing. Finally, I called the agent's office only to find that she was in a meeting and her poor secretary had no idea what to do without talking to the agent. So we continued to wait. At 3:56, the fax finally comes in with our correct paperwork. The office closes at 4:00. I didn't know whether to call and scream at the agent for being such a moron, or get down on my knees and praise Jesus that we got the paperwork at all.

As far as I know, they still haven't gotten their precious picture of the semi. Hope that's not too important. I wonder if people realize that every time they jerk us around, every unnecessary phone call we have to make, every time we have to wait around for someone else to DO THEIR JOB, it's costing us money. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.

As Promised...

2010-09-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

I told you it was coming. The Sheriff's Report, at long last, is about to make it's triumphant return to Growing on Goofy. It will not disappoint.

5 accidents involving a person hitting a deer, and 1 involving a person swerving to miss a deer and hitting a tree instead.

Complaints:
-8-3 @ 10:53 AM, Havana: Check on the welfare of a man in pickup truck slumped over
-8-3 @ 1:24 PM, Cell Phone: Complaint about tire on the roadway
-8-3 @ 9:33 PM, Rural Havana: Complaint about person burning wire
As you can see, that was an eventful day in Havana...

-8-4 @ 11:24 PM, Rural Havana: Report a male wearing all black riding a bike on the roadway. (AHHH! Not a black male riding a bike! ALERT! ALERT! SECURITY HAS BEEN BREACHED! Oh, wait...a male wearing black? Nevermind.)

-8-5 @ 4:52 PM, Rural Kilbourne: Report 2 dogs running loose and growling at people (isn't that what dogs do? Ruh roh, Ruby!)
-8-5 @ 5:19 PM, Manito: Report a strong smell of either meth or plastic burning (I LOVE this one. "What does it smell like is burning, ma'am?" "Well, it could be plastic burning...or it could be meth. I can't be sure." Do they really smell that similar?)
Now we move on to the real crime of the night...
-8-5 @ 8:46 PM, Menard County: Car "setting" along the road for several hours with the windows rolled down and nobody around (annnnnnnnnnnd?)

-8-6 @ 7:10 PM, Rural Manito: Irrigation spraying on the road. (What do these morons do when it rains?)
-8-6 @ 8:10 PM, Cell Phone: Intoxicated male laying in the middle of the SR 78. (Never been so drunk THAT sounded like a good idea.)

-8-7 @ 2:33 PM, Rural Manito: Checking on two lawn mowers on the Manito Blacktop ("Yes, ma'am, what is your concern today?" "Well...do you think they know there's no grass to mow on the chipped rock?")
-8-7 @ 5:07 PM, Bath, Boat Tavern, public service: see if someone has anything to help with a nosebleed. (I'd love to be a 911 operator for just one day around here. WHO calls the sheriff's department for a nosebleed? "Officer, we've got a report of a runaway...a runaway NOSEBLEED." WTF?!)
-8-7 @ 11:42 PM, Bath, Brick Tavern: A "mail" and female will not leave--going to start a fight (What's behind door number 3? Another nosebleed!)

-8-8 @ 12:28 PM, Mason City: Criminal damage to vehicle, male beat car with a gun and a hammer (Not at all premeditated, I'm sure. I always carry a gun AND a hammer, you know, just in case a car gets in my way.)

-8-9 @ 2:32 AM, Havana: Call complained about being run off the road near McDonald's. Vehicle headed south towards RT 78 and was stopped. Person took off on foot. (Dude. It's 2:30 in the morning. Everyone in there is either stoned or been up for 3 days...DO NOT GET IN THE WAY OF THEIR FRIES!)

For whatever reason, there were FIVE women charged with battery this week. Perhaps they punched someone in the nose and stole their Big Mac?

Also, a Mason County lifetime achievement award goes to the woman from Mason City who was ticketed for: no valid driver's license, no valid registration, failure to reduce speed, no insurance, leaving the scene and failure to report.

*All information taken from the Mason County Democrat

Some Things Still Surprise Me

2010-09-01T12:25:00.000-05:00

I know you've all missed it. That's right, the Sheriff's Report.

But before I get to that, I just have to mention something that caught my eye in a recent issue of the infamous Mason County Democrat newspaper.

For those of you who don't already know, the big news around here recently was the Redneck Fishing Tournament in Bath, IL. Basically, Asian Carp are overpopulating in the Illinois River and causing a lot of trouble, so fishermen in their best redneck gear go out all day and catch as many of these slimy little bastards as they can. Sotally tober, of course. Whoever catches the most fish is the winner. Seems pretty simple, right? Well, this year, ESPN and National Geographic (or Nat Geo, if you prefer their terrible attempt at rebranding themselves into a "cool, hip and man-friendly" channel) came down to Bath, to film the tournament for their respective programming lineups. This was major.

So major, apparently, that they decided a tournament winner just wasn't enough. They put their heads together and came up with another contest, sure to draw attention to rednecks of ALL ages...the Little Miss Redneck contest. Now, as I was not present for said event (only because I didn't know about it ahead of time...trust me, I would never have voluntarily skipped seeing this level of cluster fuck), I can only imagine what the contest rules include. A quick scan of google news tells me the organizer informed parents their children/contestants may be dressed as rednecks or "in their Sunday best." Although, let's be honest, those are basically one and the same in Bath.

In my mind, Little Miss Redneck events would go something like this:
1. Instead of the swimsuit/evening wear competition, we have the camo competition. Whoever is the most invisible wins.
2. They would combine the talent and "most photogenic" sections of the evening, with all contestants required to gut a deer. Points awarded for speed, accuracy and, most of all, how good they look standing next to the deer in their photo.
3. Instead of a synchronized dance number, we have a synchronized decoy setup/goose call competition. First one to get a drunk hillbilly to shoot at their decoy wins.
4. And, last but not least, instead of the question and answer being about world issues, we have the question and answer session sponsored by Ducks Unlimited. Questions include: Are you for or against hosting a fish fry in the church parking lot? Should children still be allowed to miss school for deer season? How do you feel about the regulation of Sudafed in the tri-county area? Points given for creativity, grammar and pro-hunting stance.

All kidding (or was I?) aside, the girl who won is an adorable 5 year old, complete with camo shirt and hat...and her favorite stuffed kitten (A TOY, not an actual stuffed cat. Sadly, I feel the need to make that distinction). I don't know what the prize is for winning the prestigious Little Miss Redneck title, but I bet it involves a gift card to Gander Mountain. Just sayin'...

A Scent-sible Outcome

2010-08-18T09:34:00.000-05:00

We have some smelly issues going on in the Shissler household today. I know what you're all thinking and, NO, it's not because of THAT. :)

You may recall that last year we had some issues with our geothermal not working properly, and finally were told that it can get "stuffed up" if we don't open it up and put bleach in the drip tray every few weeks. Yesterday, I was painting in the basement and thought I might as well go ahead and add the bleach before I forgot again. Problem was, once I got it opened up, I couldn't remember how much bleach you're supposed to add. So I just poured some in. I'd estimate that I added somewhere between 1/2 a cup-1 cup.

I guess that's too much.

Yesterday, Adam came home early from work because he thought he was sick. (Symptoms included: tired, red faced, needing a shower. If that is what constitutes being "sick," women everywhere should be calling in to work today.) After his 3 hour nap, he came in and asked if I'd added bleach to the system, because it was blowing a bleach scent out the A/C vents. I thought he was overreacting.

He wasn't. This morning, the whole house smells like bleach and I can't escape it. We're gonna have some major candles goin' on up in here today! :) Whoops! I still don't know how much bleach to add though...

There is one more scent-related issue I have to discuss. It has recently come to my attention that many men, before they "take the Browns to the Superbowl," have developed a habit of taking off their wedding band, so as not to get it dirty. I laughed so hard when I heard this, because I thought it was a joke. It's not a joke; these men are dead set that it's the only way to stay clean. So I'm taking a poll of men AND women: Do you remove your ring(s) before you go? If so, are you right or left handed?

B&B Hell

2010-08-16T16:12:00.000-05:00

Last Friday, I corrected an urban myth. You see, legend had it that, particularly on specific stretches of 3-4 days during the months of May-October, a horrible thing happens. St. Louis, an otherwise lovely city, becomes infiltrated with a plague. Legions of creatures with blue clothing descend upon the city, shouting obscenities and jeering at our fine citizens, all in the name of baseball (though if you don't do anything for 100+ years, does it really count as baseball? I digress). Many St. Louis residents believe the legend's most important lesson: There are no ruder creatures on Earth than the very blue-clothed degenerates I just spoke of...Cubs fans.

The legend stands corrected.

In fact, I attended Friday night's Cards vs. Cubs game with two such people, and they were perfectly lovely human beings. I didn't encounter any issues until AFTER the game.

You see, my friend and I planned a trip to St. Louis for ourselves and our husbands. Since we always stay downtown and visit that scene, we thought it would be nice to do something a little different. Much to my surprise, considering her poor taste in sports teams, she found a delightful B&B just outside the downtown area. We realized after perusing their website that the owners were a gay couple, but decided to keep that piece of information to ourselves, as our respective husbands come from small towns and do not encounter many members of the gay population.

We checked in before the game and were greeted by one of the owners, who was positively delightful. He helped us with our bags, showed us to our rooms and, most importantly, showed us where the cookie jar was. I love this guy!

After the game, we headed back towards the B&B, and ordered an Imo's pizza. Those of you who have ever tried to order a pizza after a Cardinals game can probably guess the kind of issues I was dealing with on the phone, trying to place this order: sitting on hold, barely being able to hear once they DID answer, and being rushed right off the phone, ASAP...but not without a promise that the delivery person would call when they were on their way. I didn't think anything of this, considering that is pretty much standard practice, in my experience, when they deliver to a hotel. We were also told (at 11:10) that it would be at least an hour before the delivery person arrived. No problem. We considered ourselves lucky they weren't done for the night.

We got back to our friends' room, which was on a lower floor, and decided to wait there for 45 minutes or so, then go outside and wait, so as not to disturb any other guests or the owners (who live on property). So you can imagine our surprise when, at 11:55, my phone rings and the delivery man says he's already here. We never heard a doorbell, a knock, nothing, so we assumed he was waiting outside.

We were mistaken. Apparently the doorbell only rings inside the owners' quarters, which is why we never heard it, but it was rung, because the delivery man was inside, standing there with a man who turned out to be the other owner of the B&B. And the owner was PISSED!

He proceeded to scream at me, and the pizza delivery man, while I was attempting to pay for the pizzas. At first, I thought he was joking, because he made comments like, "You really ordered pizzas at midnight?" I learned quickly that he was very serious and very angry. He began to yell about how he was startled awake in the middle of the night, from a sound sleep, by the doorbell, which kind of scared him, only to find a pizza delivery man standing there. I apologized repeatedly, and explained that we were told the driver would call when he was on his way and they never called. I explained how sorry I was for his inconvenience. The pizza man apologized to me, to him, and for me to him. He said they usually leave a note if he's supposed to call and there was no note, so he didn't realize he should call. (Brief aside: I can understand how annoying it must be to be woken up in the middle of the night. I can understand why he might be worried because they are located in a nice area....but there's a not so nice area a few blocks away. It's not like I don't realize there was a "party foul" committed.)

Did both my and the delivery man's apologies stop the screaming? HELL no. It just got worse! As the pizza man was leaving, the owner began ranting and raving "This is so rude and outrageous! I'm sorry but this kind of thing just pisses me off. I'm the innkeeper and I live here too and my doorbell gets rung in the middle of the night and it's a pizza delivery guy? Who orders pizza at midnight? Are you kidding me? What are you, in a gang?"

A gang? Really? REALLY?! I understand the startled state and the frustration, but when you hear that a person orders a pizza at midnight the first thing you think of is that perhaps they're in a GANG?

W....T....F?!?!

Now is as good a time as any to mention that I was wearing navy linen shorts from Gap, and a gray tshirt from VS with red glitter and the word "love" written multiple times across the back. What kind of gang has a uniform of linen shorts and glitter/love? The gay gang? The Britney Spears Club? Oh, I know, the infamous Former Sorority Girl Gang. Give me a freakin' break, dude.

I think, perhaps if I hadn't been so busy trying to not to cry, I would have laughed in his face. But, the reality is, I was humiliated and terrified because this guy seemed totally unstable. In fact, the only reason this whole encounter ended, was because (even after my continued apologies and promises it wouldn't happen again) this bitchy queen finally stomped off (literally, stomped) waving his hands frenetically and saying "Fine, whatever, just GO eat your (insert sassy at-ti-tude tone here) PIZZA and I'll see you at breakfast."

But we didn't see him at breakfast. In fact, we didn't see him at all the rest of our stay there. To be totally accurate, since I was the one who went down to get the pizza, I'm the only one who ever saw him at all. If it hadn't been for this incident, neither my husband nor my friend's husband would've ever known there WAS another owner.

The incident was never mentioned by the original (polite) owner. No apology was ever given. No free night's stay offered. Nothing. I guess they're pacifists. Whatever. Frankly, the queen diva is lucky I came down to pick up the pizza and not one of our drunken closed-minded husbands. It could have been a lot worse, and I am (seriously) thanking God that it was me downstairs and not them.

What's really unfortunate is that (other than the infamous "pizza throwdown") it is a beautiful B&B, very comfortable with large rooms. The breakfast was good, the nice owner knew just how long to chit chat and when to leave you alone, as if it were a 6th sense almost. The location is excellent, very close to downtown, but also close to more unique shops and restaurants. Unfortunately, we will never return.

The Goofy Food Gang (or Muffin Top Clan, whatever you prefer) will spend our money elsewhere.

Goofy Ridge, This Link's for You!

2010-08-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

This study was conducted for my entertainment. I know it. Just when I think nothing is going on in the world, this little gem arrives on my desktop. Thank you MSNBC.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38474231/ns/health/

For those of you too lazy to click a link, here is a summary of the situation:

-It's titled "Meth Use in Pregnancy Endangers Mom and Baby." Well, no shit.
-Ido Solt, a doctor at Cedars-Sinai in LA treated three pregnant women in the ICU for uncontrolled high blood pressure. '"The common denominator was methamphetamine use,' Solt told Reuters Health." This guy is a genius!
-Then, instead of reporting these women to the police for child endangerment, illegal drug purchase/use, whatever, he and his colleagues decided to do some research on them. They studied 276 meth-using pregnant women who gave birth in a hospital in Phoenix, and compared them to the control group of 34k women who value their babies' health...er...did not use meth. To the shock of absolutely no one, "on pretty much every measure Solt and his team looked at, methamphetamine users and their babies fared worse."
-"Faring worse" included: 50% of the babies being born pre-term, 29% via C-section, 20% with uncontrollable high blood pressure and, in a whopping 10%, the placenta separated from the uterus before birth. Not cool. Oh, and let's not forget the 4% that died shortly after birth.
-I think my favorite, if there can be a favorite, part of this article is the section where they state that one might think it would be easy to ID a meth user, whether pregnant or not, many of the typical signs of methamphetamine usage (gaunt figure, rotten/missing teeth, skin issues) were not present in these women. So you're telling me pregnant women aren't rail thin? NO WAY!

So there you have it, Ridge Rats, listen up. Even copious amounts of methamphetamine won't get rid of that baby belly.

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?

2010-08-04T17:28:00.000-05:00

My apologies for the techno difficulties we've been experiencing as of late. I think they are all resolved now, so make sure to notice the new iTunes links on the right side of this page, which will take you directly to the iTunes store. I also have a new search function, on the right side of this page as well...just in case you think I said something so hilarious you want to share it with your friends, but don't have the time to scroll through 100 blog posts to find it. You're welcome. :)

Moving right along...Sunday was unintentionally interesting. Adam and I were watching True Blood when his phone rang. We ignored it...because we were watching True Blood. Duh. Then my phone started ringing immediately after his quit, so we thought we better pause our vampire show, since something important might need our immediate attention. At the time, I couldn't think of anything that would be more important than whether Sookie would live or die but, alas, I was wrong.

On the phone was our good friend who drove past our house on her way home. When I answered, the first thing she said was "I don't mean to freak you out but (which of course makes you freak out more) you need to call the police and lock your doors right away." Oooook?
Apparently on the drive past our house, she noticed a Grand Am parked in the middle of the road, between our house and our old house (which Adam's cousin rents). Both doors on the Grand Am were wide open and apparently 2 scurvy looking guys were wandering in the street, with no shoes on, although their shoes were in the middle of the road as well.

I did make sure to lock the doors, but before I called the cops, I wanted to call Adam's cousin and make sure she didn't know something about these people/the car in case it was one of her friends playing a joke on her or something. That would be embarrassing. "What'd you do Sunday night?" "Oh nothing, just called the cops on my cousin's friends because they were barefoot." Right. So I called down there and she not only didn't know anything about the situation but couldn't even see the car or the people my friend called about. I went outside and, wouldn't you know, I couldn't see them either. A car doesn't just disappear, especially a parked one...wtf?

We hung up and said we'd both lock our doors and keep our eyes out for strange activity/people. As soon as I sat down, the phone rang again, and Adam's cousin was whispering that she still couldn't see the car but those 2 guys were on her property because she could hear every word they were saying. Now she's sufficiently freaked out because they look like they're on something, and she has 4 kids. So she sends her fiance out to see what they're doing, and sure enough, there are the 2 weirdos right in their driveway, standing under the telephone pole. Her fiance drives up, and immediately the 2 guys start asking if he can give them a ride. Naturally, he declined, but was polite about it. Not that his good manners mattered much because they immediately started calling him a "N***** bitch." (Her fiance is white...so not only is that a totally inappropriate and racist comment, it doesn't even make sense.)

No matter how polite her fiance was, they kept screaming obscenities at him (a sure way to get a stranger to help you, I might add) until he told them he was going inside to call the police and they should leave. When he got a hold of the cops, the dispatcher already knew the exact street number, had received several complaints already, said someone was on the way, but the officer was coming from Bath, so it "might be awhile." The fiance promptly alerted the dispatcher that that was great, but if the 2 turds came back and start causing trouble, he wasn't going to wait for the police to take care of the situation. I guess that comment made the police nervous because 2 minutes later, I got another phone call from Adam's cousin asking if I'd seen the creeps because the officer was driving up and down our road and he couldn't find them. I appreciated her asking, but it's not like I was sitting outside in the dark waiting for some stupid ridge rats to come and rob me blind. No, I had not seen them. Buuuuuut I went outside to look anyway, and I could hear them talking, just past the treeline next to our driveway. Great. Luckily, the cop happened to find them about 10 seconds after I did, so I just sat on the porch and listened.

I couldn't make out the whole conversation but from what I did hear, they told the officer that they were "just walking home" and "stopped in the driveway so they could see where they were going" (which makes no sense...if you're on your way home...don't you know where you're going? Especially if you're WALKING?) and that "the guy at the other house down the street came out and started yelling at us." (Not true, and of course the cop knew it.)

After that, most of what I heard was this crazy, "I'm on something wicked" kind of laugh. Not a stoner laugh, we all know what that sounds like. This was really high-pitched and just not right. Needless to say it was obvious to everyone who heard it that these 2 ridge rats were tweakin' big time. Eventually the cop did let them go, but he was nice enough to stop and pick their shoes up out of the road.

The next morning Adam and his cousin's fiance were both out and about early for work and each of them noticed that there were a pair of girls' flip flops out in the road as well...so now we are wondering whether the car that our friend initially reported was driven by some girl, and she kicked them out and drove off and left their dumb butts behind.

All I can say is, if you're going to steal a car, you have to be dropped off by someone...so, local friends, quit leaving your keys in your cars and your doors unlocked. Never knew when tweaker dee and tweaker dumb might be back.

Mason County Strikes Again!

2010-07-11T15:06:00.000-05:00

Mike Armstrong, a comedian billed as a hilarious ex-cop, was scheduled to perform this weekend at Mason City Limits, a local comedy club. Adam, myself and our friends Randy and Keri decided to check it out.

We sat along the side wall, and some random dude on the other side of Keri started a very random and very odd conversation. I think he ended up talking mostly to himself, as neither Keri nor I showed the slightest bit of interest in his completely one-sided dialogue about all the comedians he's seen and where he saw them. Who cares, right?

At this point, the show was getting ready to start so we figured it was a good time to avoid the random redneck and use the restroom before anyone came on stage.

You know it's going to be a great night when, right after you leave for the restroom, the Chatty Kathy says loudly enough that both your husbands hear, "Whew! I'm gonna have to take my wedding ring off!"

Stay classy, Mason County.

Lasik Lowdown

2010-07-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

Most of you know that I had LASIK surgery on Tuesday. I've gotten a lot of questions about whether the procedure hurt, how it works, how much it costs, etc. So I'm going to answer all the questions right now. Before I start, I should say that I don't think any of this is gory or overly graphic, but if you have a really weak stomach, you might want to pass on this blog.

The first step is to meet with a doctor and discuss whether you're a good candidate for the surgery. This is based on your age, how long you've been in glasses/contacts, what your prescription is and how long that prescription has remained constant. For example, I'm 27, I've had glasses since I was 10, contacts since 13, my prescription was -3.5 in my left eye and -4 in my right eye. I've had that prescription for at least 3 years. All those things combined made me a good candidate for LASIK.

If you decide to go ahead with LASIK, and you are a full time contacts wearer, you have to be out of your contacts for at least 2 weeks before the surgery. The reason for this is that contacts act sort of like a girdle for your eyes, holding everything in place...then when you're out of contacts for awhile, things sorta fall back to where they would normally be...and this can change your prescription and, therefore, how much needs to be surgically corrected with LASIK.

Two to five days before your surgery, you have to get your eyes dilated. That just involves some drops and an eye exam. The reason for this is they need to measure the size of your pupils. One of the reasons a lot of people don't like LASIK, especially younger people, is because they tend to have halos at night, especially while driving. This is usually because when you're younger, your pupils are naturally larger, and regular LASIK's first step is to use a blade to cut a flap in your cornea...this doesn't leave a visible scar, but there is a scar. When your pupil dilates past the point of that scar, that's when you have the halos. I didn't want to deal with that, especially since I have "above average large pupils." So I went to a doctor (Scott Pinter at Eye Surgical Associates in Bloomington) who exclusively uses a procedure called Intralase. It uses a laser the entire time, and this is supposed to eliminate the halos.

The day of your surgery, you take 2 Advil an hour before your surgery, then you come into a regular room, they give you some numbing eye drops, and you hang out for a little while until they kick in. Some doctors give you a sedative as well, but Eye Surgical Associates doesn't, because the surgery is so fast that by the time the drugs kick in, the surgery is over. Then you walk into the surgery room, which is pretty plain, a bunch of machines, a bunch of nurses, and a bed, very similar to a dentist's chair but flat.

Once they have you situated on the bed, they put a little ring around your eyeball to cut off the blood vessels temporarily. You stare straight ahead at a little red light, and before you know it, the laser is cutting the corneal flap. It doesn't hurt at all, but this is probably the "worst" part of the entire surgery. It feels like a little pressure, that's all. Then they do the same thing to your other eye. After both eyes have flaps cut, they take the little ring off, and put this device onvto hold your eyelids open, which I thought (before the surgery) would be the worst part but, in reality, I barely noticed it. Then they have to flip back the flap with this little tool. It doesn't hurt, even though it sounds like it would. There are nurses there the entire time, one holding your hand, and at least one or two telling you what they're doing at every step, throughout the procedure. It's nice to know what's coming up, even though there's nothing you can do about it. Flipping back the flap is probably the second "worst" part, because while they're doing it, you have to hold your eye still, looking at the red light again, but once they start moving that flap, it looks like that red light is moving all over the place, so it's a very similar feeling to being drunk and having the spins. I thought that I might throw up because I was so dizzy. For some reason, it was only like that on my right eye though, the left eye was totally fine. Once the flaps are flipped back, they can begin the laser surgery. You don't feel a thing while that laser is going, you just stare at the dang red light again until it's over. They even count backwards for you so you know how many more seconds the laser has left. The only thing I noticed about this part of the procedure is a slight burning hair smell...and when I say slight, I mean the laser was almost done before I noticed anything, and I laid there thinking..."hmm, I think I smell something, what's that? Oh...that's probably my EYE THEY'RE BURNING OFF! Oh boy."

Once both eyes are done, they put the flaps back down, put some lubricant drops on them and then let them dry for a minute. After that, they help you sit up and you're done. Literally, the whole procedure took maybe 10-12 minutes...and most of that was flipping the flaps back at the beginning and putting them back down at the end. The actual laser was only on for 31 seconds on my left eye and 34 seconds on my right eye...so barely over ONE MINUTE. I cannot express to you how bizarre it is to think that my whole life of glasses and contacts is gone, over, done, in ONE MINUTE. One minute can change your life!

When you sit up, it's a little foggy, sort of like you've been in a hot shower too long...but you can see! I thought I was going to break into tears when I sat up and I could make out the nurse's face! Never in my life, even when I knew I was having LASIK, did I imagine I would ever be able to just sit up and see, without glasses or contacts!

I walked on my own, all the way back to the examining room we started in, they took a quick look at the corneas, explained my new eye drop regimen (FOUR sets of drops, one once an hour to keep your eyes from being dry, one once and hour to help reduce swelling, one 4 times a day as an antibiotic to prevent infection, and one more one-time-only that day, that's basically a super lubricant), gave me some goggles that I had to wear 24/7 until I saw them for my next-day check up, and I went home.

You go home, sleep for about 3 hours, hang out, watch TV, check your email, whatever you want. You can do anything! It's amazing!!!!!

The next morning, I had my post-op checkup, which was really quick and easy. The doctor said I was doing "fantastic" for less than 24 hours after surgery, and after testing my vision with the normal eye chart, he pronounced that I can now see 20/15. Before surgery I was seeing 20/420. Quite an improvement, I'd say! :)

I do still have a little bit of a glow around brightly lit objects, but there's less and less every day, and they tell me it will eventually go away, as my cornea stops swelling.

I recommend this surgery to anyone and everyone who can get it. Do it now. You won't regret it!