Growing Up Geeky

Weaning of another kind

2013-06-17T21:20:00.001-04:00

Not long ago I wrote about my failed attempt to wean off of Zoloft. I don't think I'll try that again for a while, but unfortunately another type of weaning has become a possibility; Aurelia doesn't want to nurse much anymore. She seems to prefer to gulp it down from a sippy cup. While this is surprising, considering how Carina was a boob fiend until she was 15 or so months old, what was more unforeseen was how completely okay with it I am.

Carina kicked the habit when she was 18 Months old because my milk mostly dried up (I was 6 months pregnant). I cried. I sobbed. Even knowing I'd be breastfeeding another baby in just 3 months and change, I was still devastated. I was so afraid our relationship would change.

This time? Meh. If anything, I'm kind of looking forward to being done. Pumping everyday has become a chore. I'm going to continue doing it until she turns 1 (three more months to go) because it's important to me that she gets a year of breastmilk, but there's no sadness at the prospect of not nursing her for much longer.

I'd rather have a beer ;)

I feel bad, though. Guilty. Why is it so different this time?

Now that I think about it...Aurelia has never nursed for comfort. She doesn't reach for my chest after falling down or bumping her head like Carina did. It's always been just food for her. And? After weaning Carina, our relationship continued on just the same. I think the fear that something would change contributed to how emotional I was prior to the end of my first nursing journey. Lastly, Aurelia is a great eater. She can't seem to shove food in her mouth fast enough. It's safe to say I'm not worried about her following in Carina's Failure to Thrive footprints.

I guess after more than 3 years straight of being pregnant and/or breastfeeding, the prospect of having my body to myself again is just a wee bit exciting.

Has anyone else felt differently about nursing the second time around?

Treading water

2013-06-11T22:36:00.004-04:00

I was beginning to feel like we were finally adjusting to our new routine, and then the night shifts were upon us. After 5 12 hour night shifts in a row (and 4 more before that, and still 2 more to go), I am barely functioning. Watch out as exhausted ZOMBIEMOM takes a sleepy faceplant into her pizza! Yeah that almost happened tonight.

I don't know what day it is, our house is a dump, Aurelia is on a nursing strike and refuses to nap. Carina constantly laments, "Mommy has to go to work!" "Mommy working!" and even rides her little car and announces that she, too, is going to work. Neither of the girls understands why I'm in bed sleeping most of the day rather than playing with them. And we just realized we're out of food so poor Mike has to stop to pick some up on the way home from lab, now, at 10:30 PM.

This is the first time I've opened my personal computer since last Thursday. I feel so behind on everything...e-mail, cleaning, laundry, blogging; I hope I'm not forgetting to pay our bills.

But, we're holding it all together. Mike has been awesome, our Nanny is a rock star, and with a little help from Peapod and the local Pizza place, we haven't lost our minds yet. Come Friday morning, I'll be able to come back to the land of the living. I will have weekends to myself again, and then normal working hours resume on Monday. Now excuse me while I fall asleep at my computer...

"Mommy's home!"

Things our children will never experience

2013-06-06T00:24:00.000-04:00

While waiting for my computer to connect to our wireless internet the other day, I reminisced about how long it took to successfully dialup on AOL -- err -- America Online, back in 1996. The sound of the dialing, the waiting, the screechy tones followed by static, then {quite often} failure. Then you try a different number, giddy when you finally hear the familiar "WELCOME!" and off you go to inform everyone in a super cool chatroom that you are 12/f/ma

I'm sure that Carina and Aurelia will spend their fair share of time online in the {far far away} future, but they will never experience the joy of the lightning spreading across the screen as AOL connects or the pain of having their connection interrupted by the neighbor calling the land line. Ha, $10 says they won't even know what a land line is...

I weep that they will also never get to enjoy:

Watching and rewinding a VHS tape over and over to the point where even the tracking won't fix that messed up picture
Talking on the phone in the kitchen in front of the whole family because the cord won't reach into the other room
Sitting in the way back seat of a station wagon, watching and harassing the cars behind them

But that trunk seat sounds like fun, Mom!

Okay sarcasm aside, there are a few things that I really am sad that they likely won't experience, such as:

Selling Girl Scout cookies door to door. I wish they still did this for my sake, too. Momma needs 4 boxes of Samoas STAT.
Running around the neighborhood mostly unsupervised all day long...exploring the woods and biking to friends' houses without a care in the world.
The old McDonald's Playland. The Grimace shaky thing rocked my world. Plastic ball pits just don't measure up.

Lament away. What joys of growing up will your kids never experience?

Yes, I'm blogging at 1:30 AM

2013-06-03T01:39:00.002-04:00

It's my first night/morning off after having two night shifts in a row, and I don't think I have ever been this tired.

I've worked night shifts during Go-Lives before, but that was pre-children. When I got home, I could crash and sleep until the evening if I wanted to. But now? I get home at 6:30 AM, feed the baby, snuggle Carina for a few, and then attempt to fall asleep. Mike or the Nanny wakes me up to feed the baby before her first nap (or else my boobs would explode) around 9, and then again before her 2nd nap at noonish. That is, if I'm not already awake for the day by then. I think I've gotten about 5-6 hours of sleep each day so far. Not bad, but it's not uninterrupted so I sort of I feel like I haven't slept at all.

The good news is that it has been going really well so far. We've been able to solve/fix most of the issues quickly and the end users are happy. Even better news is that my boss has asked me to stay on past my original contract end date of July 19th, through September 27th. I told him I'd be willing to if we could work out some flexible hours. So now I have to decide what our ideal would be (how many hours at the office vs. at home, and how many total) and then we can talk after the Go-Live ends next week.

I'm really excited! The only downside is that our Nanny (who we love) probably won't be able to stay on if I cutback my hours too much. So we might have to explore other childcare options. We'll take it as it comes.

P.S. Night shift workers, I have so much respect for you.

Toddler Talk - "Owww my boobs!"

2013-05-29T20:48:00.001-04:00

Since Carina seems to be obsessed, let's talk about boobs.

When I'm engorged, she'll look at me and say "Mommy has big boobs!" Ha, it's the only time I have big boobs ;)

While romping, she often elbows me in the boobs to which I reply, "ow!! My boobs!" She has begun repeating this when she falls down or gets bumped. Hearing a 2 year old yelp, "owww boobs!" makes my day. Every time.

I don't pump at home very often, but when I do, she is intrigued. She stands next to me, watches, and exclaims, "Mommy pumping!" A few times now she has climbed up on the couch after I finish, put her hands on my chest and pushed on one boob, and then the other...over and over again. "Mommy pumping!" I guess she thinks she's my manual pump?

Got any toddler boob talk to share? ;)

Go-Live or Go Home

2013-05-27T21:20:00.000-04:00

We spent a long weekend in Cape Cod with my family. It was relaxing. Well, as relaxing as it can be with 5 kids under 5 running around the house ;)

I've found myself spending less and less time on my personal computer (read: blogging & social media) as I've become more and more attached to my work laptop. Our Go-Live begins on Thursday, which means that one of the hospitals in town will start using our software for the first time. This is the most stressful event I will probably encounter in this job, and it will require me to work 12 shifts of 12+ hours over the course of the next 2.5 weeks. Yikes. And did I mention they are night shifts? Yeah. 6 PM until 6 AM. Even on weekends. But I chose this -- nights over days -- because it means I'll actually see the girls for a few hours each day.

All hell can break loose during Go-Lives. Otherwise polite people might yell at you, possibly throw things, and apparently some have even caused nervous breakdowns. The death stares from users can be never ending when they see your telltale {rather unflattering} brightly colored "I work for/on the computer system" polo shirts. But I'm hopeful that I can help things go more smoothly and that I'll survive it all.

It could never be that bad when I have these sweet (and hilarious) faces to come home to...

So if you see a flurry of Twitter activity from me at like, 3 AM this Saturday night it might mean that things are going better than expected and I've found myself with a few minutes of downtime. Not likely, but a girl can hope.

Weaning fail

2013-05-22T20:49:00.004-04:00

No, not Aurelia.

Me. Zoloft.

I'm one of those obnoxious procrastinators who waits until their medication has run out before requesting a refill. After working as a Pharmacy Technician for years, you think I'd know better...but anyway, so I order it online and go to pick it up last Tuesday. Except they tell me there were no refills left so I'd have to come back. I requested they check the original prescription because I knew there were refills, but they couldn't because their computer system was down. Awesome.

So I forgot about it...one day, two days, three days. On Saturday I told myself that no matter what I had to go get it. And then we got sidetracked. Monday came around but hey, I thought to myself, I've been feeling pretty good. Maybe I could just stop taking it?

Well, here we are just over a week since I've had my last pill and today was the nail in the coffin on my attempt to let go of SSRIs. I've been anxious as work is beginning to demand more of my time than I'm able to give and people are pulling me in all sorts of different directions. Tonight I have to do a ton of laundry and pack us all up for our trip to visit my family in Cape Cod this weekend. And both girls won't stop screaming; it's almost 9 PM and they're both still awake, PISSED. I feel myself beginning to shake and panic and I know it was stupid of me to try this.

All I want to do is crawl in a hole and fall asleep...only to wake up on the beach this weekend where I will hopefully get the chance to relax. Nothing is going to stop me from swinging by the pharmacy and grabbing my prescription on the way out of town, though.

I so badly wanted to not need it, but I'm just not there yet. le sigh.

The pros of working

2013-05-18T20:59:00.002-04:00

After re-reading my last post, I realized how negative I sounded. It's not all bad. Promise.

In fact, things are pretty good.

Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, the girls are having some difficulty. But...

I'm getting to use my brain again. I really like this job and not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty good at it. I'm attacking the queue of outstanding issues and resolving them quickly; the Pharmacists are so grateful.

My anxiety has diminished. I am calmer and more relaxed than when I was at home. I'm equally stressed {but for different reasons now, of course} but I find that I'm dealing with the stress better. Along the same lines, the agoraphobia is completely gone. We're going out every day and having so much fun. Dare I say that I'm enjoying the girls more than before?

The money. Money isn't everything, of course. But this job means that we'll be able to save a hefty down payment for a future home. We can now afford a second car and are living comfortably. It's nice to not have to worry about money for the first time in a long time.

Last, I feel productive and fulfilled...I'm helping other people out and contributing to our family at the same time. But I miss my little princesses. If I'm able to negotiate for a ~25 hour workweek (half at home, half onsite) come July, I think I'll have the best of both worlds.

These girls <3

Thanks so much for all of your messages and words of support, and for sticking with me despite my sad sad lack of posts lately. And I think I'm a few weeks behind in e-mails. I'm sorry! I promise I'm not ignoring you.

Oh and apparently Top Baby Blogs just reset (who knew?) Me lurve you long time if you click below and send a vote my way ;)

The cons of working

2013-05-15T20:28:00.003-04:00

We're slowly starting to settle into our new routine. There have been a number of difficulties including the fact that Mike and I are both exhausted all.the.time and the house is a dump since cleaning is the last thing I want to do when I get home after a long day. But, the worst has been how it has affected the girls.

When I leave in the morning, Aurelia fusses and Carina gets upset. For Carina, it ranges from just a sad pout to full blown tantrum depending on the day."Momma gotta stay", "Mommy snuggle!" and "Nooo Mommy!" are what I hear most often. We had been slowly weaning her from the binky but now she has started regressing; the Nanny told me today that she wants it most of the time. We're down to only 1 and we were hoping to avoid buying more since Aurelia doesn't take them. I'm not sure if cold turkey is the way to go, though. I can't believe it's almost a year later and we're still dealing with this...

Teeny went from chillest baby ever to whiny and fussy, freaking out if I turn the corner into the kitchen to cook dinner. She won't let me out of her sight when I'm at home. Fortunately, she has taken to sippy cups and is drinking enough breast milk during the day. She's also developed a fond love for food and is close to eating whatever we're eating for meals. I'm glad our bottle troubles are behind us; it was a rough first week until we tried sippys.

I LOVE FOOD

Their sleep is regressing. Both girls went from sleeping 7 PM until 7 AM straight to waking multiple times a night. Carina calls out for me and I usually end up bringing her in bed with us so she doesn't wake the baby. It's also taking them longer to fall asleep in the evening, and they often wake early. Aurelia was up at 5:30 AM yesterday. Uhmm BRING MOAR COFFEE.

I'm hoping this becomes easier for them soon. Probably just in time for my contract to end, though, right? Doesn't it always happen that way? Although all signs point to the probability of them keeping me on board longer than mid-July. I'm hoping to negotiate to part-time at that point. ~12 hours onsite and ~12 hours working from home would be my ideal situation. We'll see. I think that kind of a schedule would be easier on all of us.

How was adjusting to working for you?

On top of the world

2013-05-13T20:13:00.000-04:00

I apologize. Cheesiest post title ever, as we were actually on top of a mountain yesterday. Well, not a mountain, but the rather large peak just a few minutes away from our house. We had never been, despite its proximity.

My Mother's Day began with Mike letting me sleep late and making me a lovely breakfast of coffee, eggs, Nutella on toast, and a chocolate chip croissant. Me likey chocolate. After Carina's Noontime nap, we headed out to West Rock State Park. It was beautiful out and Carina had a blast running alongside the stroller (BTW pushing the stroller up the hill was quite the workout). What we didn't realize was that it would take us 45 minutes to reach the top. We were exhausted, but had a nice picnic once we reached the top.

Aurelia was hungry?

Teeth!

For dinner, Mike grilled salmon and shrimp and sauteed 2 lbs. of mussels - 3 of my favorite foods. Dessert was some chocolate fondue and Moscato while we watched Game of Thrones. I couldn't have asked for a better day. My gift was a Garmin GPS -- something I've been wanting for quite some time now. And yes, we used it when we traveled to the park, just 1.5 miles away ;)

How was your Mother's Day?

This week's Toddle Along Tuesday topic is Mother's Day! What did you do? There are no rules here, except that you link up a relevant post (old or new) rather than your whole blog.

What I do all day

2013-05-10T19:47:00.003-04:00

Oh hi there, blog. It's been a little while.

Most nights this week I crashed as soon as I put the girls to bed or had so much to clean I didn't even get a chance to turn the computer on. No matter how much laundry I do or dishes I wash, a few hours later there are more. I hate those chores that you can't ever be finished with. And even more I hate not being able to find a way to construct a sentence so that I don't have to end it in a preposition. Ugh. Oh, and yesterday we drove 2 hours each way to Mike's Grandfather's interment at West Point. That part of New York is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. But I digress...

A few of you have asked what I actually do at my job. So here, it is...with a warning. It's probably pretty boring to the majority of you, unless you get turned on at the thought of electronic medical records. And yeah...said no one ever.

My days are spent in a cubicle, making my way through a queue of outstanding issues from the most recent Go-Live in the health system for which I work. I read through the problems and then tweak the build of the software system as appropriate. Sometimes changes are quick and easy, like adding a button so that a physician can order a 10 mg dose of a certain medication or specifying that a medication can be dispensed at a particular pharmacy. Other times, the problems run deeper and I have to spend hours investigating what went wrong. In truth, I love these issues. The ones that require me to run queries and search through line after line in an attempt to identify the problem get me all hot and bothered. Okay, not really, but you get the idea. When I finally find that pesky root cause I mentally high-five myself {yeah, I'm that cool} and triumphantly respond to the user who reported the issue, letting them know it will be fixed shortly.

One afternoon a week I go to the hospital and meet directly with the Pharmacists and help solve their issues and explain aspects of the system to them. I'm hoping to do this on a more regular basis since it is so productive, and the hospital is less than 10 minutes from home (versus a 20+ minute drive to my office).

In many ways, it's very similar to my old job. I'm working with the same software and investigating issues much like I did before. Except now, I'm trying to fix the problems rather than cause them! In Quality Assurance, we basically did everything we could to make the software not work as intended. Now, I do the complete opposite.

It's been easier than I thought it would be to jump back in after 20 months away. My boss has been really impressed with my efficiency and told me today he wishes he could hire me directly. I'm feeling confident and happy that I can help them whittle away at their list of 400+ issues. And I'm making more money than I ever thought I would.

Carina is still having a hard time when I leave in the morning, and they have both regressed a little bit in their sleep schedules. More on that when I'm not about to fall asleep myself ;)

Here comes Carina!

2013-05-06T20:45:00.001-04:00

Toddlers say the best things, and Carina is no exception:

When she hurts herself, she says, "Mommy kiss it!" And magically, after I kiss her arm/leg/head it's all better. Yesterday she had a mild diaper rash and demanded, "Mommy gotta kiss the bum!" I told her that no, Mommy wouldn't be kissing her bum...to which she replied, "kiss it just a little bit?"

Zooming off in the car or stroller, she yells, "here comes Carina!" While walking to Mike's soccer game this weekend I began pushing the stroller and preemptively announced, "here comes Carina!" Instead of repeating it (like she usually does), she added, "and baby sister!" ::heartmelt::

Each day when I return from work she asks me to take off my coat and shoes. Then she proceeds to step into my shoes (usually heels) and walks around in them exclaiming, "Carina's so big and strong!"

Her favorite treat in the whole world is Orange Sherbet. Of course, that's not what she calls it. To her, it's "Clementime Ice Cream".

She's going through a bit of a nudist phase, and would rather not wear clothes. She'll take off her shirt and then come up to me and say, "oh no! What happened to Carina's clothes?" No idea, love. No idea...

What awesome things do your kids say?

This week's Toddle Along Tuesday topic is things your kids say! Cute, funny, weird, gross, ...whatever you'd like to share. There are no rules here, except that you link up a relevant post (old or new) rather than your whole blog.

Baby led win

2013-05-05T20:44:00.000-04:00

You might remember that we had a lot of trouble getting Carina to eat enough early on. She started out chunky but when I first returned to work back in May of 2011, she went on a bottle strike, thinned out, and never recovered. She still probably doesn't eat as much as she should.

I'm sure you can imagine that we want to do our best to avoid a food battle with Aurelia, so we were a little disheartened when we gave her her first bite -- roasted sweet potato puree -- and she gagged and drooled and spit it all out. She either didn't like it, or didn't appreciate being spoon fed...or both.

So, we tried something else. Many of my friends have been successful with baby led weaning so I did a little reading and figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. Baby Led Weaning simply means letting your child feed him/herself from the beginning. No spoon-feeding purees or rice cereal. "Weaning" in this sense doesn't mean stopping breastfeeding, it is referring to the British word which means "adding complementary foods". You give baby small pieces of food and let them have at it. We were a little nervous at first that she would choke, but she's done unbelievably well.

Aurelia at just over 7 Months is already eating better, and more foods, than Carina was at 1. She's had toast, sweet potato, avocado, rigatoni, pastina (re: last two, we're Italian, so they're two separate categories), cucumber, banana, applesauce, apples, yogurt (which she feeds herself), cheddar cheese, mozzarella cheese, American cheese (can you tell we like cheese?), pancakes, mango, hot dog (the fancy nitrate-free kind), and puffs. And I just might have let her try her first {very tiny} taste of cupcake today ;)

Sure, it's messy, but she loves feeding herself and it let's us eat our own meals while she eats hers. I wish we had gone this route with Carina. No stress. No fuss. Just happy well-fed baby.

Since returning to work, she has rebelled against the bottle just like Carina did, but after a suggestion from a reader (thanks!) we tried sippy cups and it's actually working pretty well! I guess we'll just skip the bottles altogether. And with how great of an eater she is? I'm not worried at all :)

Has anyone else tried baby led weaning? How did it go for you?

The most technologically advanced baby wear out there!

2013-05-05T13:33:00.000-04:00

This is a sponsored post, but all opinions are my own; you cannot have them.

It was likely only a matter of time before some of the cool technology currently being used to make clothes entered the realm of baby wear. What could be better than combining cute styles with geeky antibacterial and moisture resistant properties?

Meet my lovely sponsor Julieta, co-owner of SanBelle:
Together with my father, we have created a family business focused on introducing the concept of health in clothing. Babies are in contact with their clothes all day so why not offer clothing that protects baby and keeps him/her comfortable at the same time?

Tell us a little bit more about SanBelle:

SanBelle is a unique, innovative new brand of infant clothing (newborn to 12 months) that uses textiles made with nanotechnology that protects babies and keeps them comfortable. We are the only brand on the market that use this kind of technology for baby clothing. Our soft, comfortable fabrics, which are imported from France, contain tiny particles of silver, making them:

Antibacterial: Using freshFX technology, our fabrics help the skin maintain a healthy balance of microorganisms which work to prevent irritations and infections, and fight bacteria and fungus.

Moisture resistant: CoolMax technology makes our fabrics fast-drying and helps keep babies (and their clothes) moisture-free.

UV resistant: The fabrics we use contain permanent UV 50+ solar protection, meaning it does not come out in the wash - perfect for babies with sensitive skin that cannot tolerate sunscreen.

Static resistant: Our clothes repel dust and animal hair, ideal for babies with allergies.

What is your personal favorite item?

I just love SanBelle pajamas, they are really soft and adorable!! Babies look so cute in them.

Here's Aurelia sporting the long sleeve bodysuit. It's pink with white trim, and is super soft and slightly stretchy. The material is reminiscent of a more lightweight and flexible swimsuit. It's breathable and keeps Aurelia comfortable. The 12 Month size is just a little long on her arms and leaves plenty of room for her to grow.

SanBelle long sleeve bodysuit

I love that the clothing provides sun protection because I have been known to forget the sunscreen (oops!) and repels animal hair, as our two rather long-haired kitties get hair everywhere imaginable.

SanBelle clothing is available on Amazon and you can find them on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

So comfy!

Living for the weekends

2013-05-02T21:21:00.003-04:00

Since beginning work, I've realized that I took advantage of my days at home. Partly due to the agoraphobia I'm sure, but also? I confess...I was lazy.

Days upon days to do anything and everything spread out before me, with no end in sight. There was no sense of urgency to make sure we did something fun each day. To hoard all the snuggles I could. To experience enough giggles and "Mommy I love you!"s and milk drunk boob-hugging naps.

I know I still get these things, but they're just in small doses until the weekend comes. I feel like I'm living for them now.

Last weekend:

Until the next one...

Verdict: this grass isn't greener

2013-04-30T22:05:00.001-04:00

As I left for work this morning Carina ran up behind me yelling, "no! Mommy gotta stay!" I looked into her big brown eyes and for the first time, felt regret at my decision to go back to work. Turning the key to lock the door on my way out was like twisting a knife into my heart as I could hear her on the other side calling, "Mommy!"

I guess I'm lucky that this didn't happen until work day #7, but for this and a few other reasons I'm feeling pretty certain that I don't want to continue full time after my contract is up in July. Part-time? Maybe. Part-time remote? Even better. I knew it would be hard to be away all day, but I didn't count on being exhausted all the time. On a nightly basis I'm fighting falling asleep right after dinner and succumbing to shut eyelids before 10 PM. Then up again at 6 AM. Rinse. Repeat.

Is it Friday yet?

Daffodils & my first week at work

2013-04-26T21:34:00.002-04:00

There's a local park that is famous for its Spring Daffodil bloom. We took the girls last Sunday; it was our first trip in the brand new Minivan.

I thought a nice relaxing day would be the perfect thing before beginning work on Monday.

The week started off rough. When I arrived at work, I didn't have a computer or access to the system so there wasn't much for me to do. Then they sent me to another campus 25 minutes away as the team representative to a meeting I knew nothing about. When I left for home I started crying, I missed the girls so badly. I was disheartened when I arrived at home to learn that Aurelia only drank 1 oz of breastmilk.

The next morning they had me observe users in a hospital unit who were unhappy with the software configuration in the hopes that I could offer suggestions as to how to improve it. I had no time to prepare and felt put on the spot. I guess you could say they threw me into it. Carina pitched a fit when Mike left for work {right after me} in the morning. And Aurelia drank NO breastmilk at all. I began to panic.

Since Wednesday, I've made great strides in solving some of the issues they are encountering and have begun offering my recommendations. The software is coming back to me quickly and easily and I'm beginning to really enjoy working with it again. More importantly, with your help and advice (thanks!!) Aurelia is now taking more milk. Carina seems to be having a lot of fun with the Nanny. I think in a week or so I'll ask my boss about working a couple afternoons from home (this was something we had discussed as a possibility during my phone interview).

I'm feeling really good about this. Thanks for your support!

Projects lately

2013-04-24T21:03:00.000-04:00

Last night I was going to blog about how the new job was going, but it would have been whiny and depressing so I figured I'd give it another few days before sharing -- with the hope that it would get better. I'm glad I did; today was great. Still, I'm going to wait until the weekend before I pass any sort of judgment on my time so far.

So what have we been up to lately? Preparing for my new job and doing a few things around the house that we've been wanting to do for quite some time now.

First, we succumbed to the Minivan. On Saturday we test drove and bought a 2013 Dodge Grand Caravan. It's enormous, and I feel like I'm driving a boat but I've never been more in love. Carina calls it the "family van" and loves riding in it. I can't believe how much storage space we have and did I mention the back row folds backwards into tailgate seats? Yeah, that.

I'M THE COOLEST SOCCER MOM EVER

Before bed, we read the girls a few books. We like to all sit together for story time so we set up a little reading corner in their room. It's nothing fancy, but Carina loves it.

Every night Carina picks one story, and then Aurelia picks another. Until she can select her own, I'm her book choosing proxy ;) I was looking for a way to display the books in such a way that Carina could see the pictures and titles on the front, and was so excited to receive a complementary Canvas Bookcase from Personal Creations.

Our white bookcase with pastel canvas pockets is made of sturdy wood composite. It measures 28"H x 25"L x 12”W and can be embroidered with any name up to 10 characters. Since Carina has so many personalized items already, this one's Aurelia's. It's adorable and only took me about 15 minutes to assemble all by myself. It fits many more books than I thought it would, and Carina loves looking through them all before selecting her bedtime story. When we move someday and the girls each have their own rooms, we plan on getting another for Carina.

Now that the girls share a room we're realizing that there isn't nearly enough space for their clothes. And due to my slight (okay, not slight) addiction to buying them clothes, we've got overflowing drawers. So I hung up a canvas shelving unit in their closet for all of their pants, skirts, and shorts (come on, Summer!) and a shoe organizer for all of their tiny little soles.

Ignore the mess around the organized shelves ;)

Both of the girls' shoes fit in one pouch of this adult shoe organizer. Perfect.

Beer. After spilling a great deal of it, Mike {with a little help from me} finally bottled it. We tried the first one tonight and it was GOOD. Like, it actually tastes like beer; I'm a bit surprised to be honest. We plan on heading over to the home brew store in town and buying a few more kits. We'd love to brew on a larger scale once we have our own home.

Oh, and lots of Spring cleaning. We have too many baby clothes. My closet is full of tops that no matter how badly I will them to fit me again, they just won't. That's what 2 babies will do to you, I guess. Although I'm not sure that flowery halters are a good look for anyone anymore. And Mike has T-shirts from 1997 that NEED to be thrown out. You hear me, Mike? TRASH. Or donate. Although I'm not sure anyone would want your Middle School musical T-shirts with holey pits. Sorry, babe.

P.S. I've rounded up a bunch of cloth diapers that aren't our favorites, so if anyone is looking for some gently used ones (mostly Fuzzibunz, but a few others, too) shoot me an e-mail.

Our new routine

2013-04-22T21:36:00.000-04:00

Phew. I'm tired. Today was my first day going to work since August of 2011. For the next 3 months, our days will go like this:

Wake at 6 AM: get dressed, pour some coffee, empty dishwasher. Nurse Aurelia when she wakes up around 6:30, and get girls changed. Have family breakfast, which usually consists of fruit and yogurt.

Head to work at 7:15 AM. Try to look like I know what I'm doing (okay, just kidding) until I pump at 10 AM. Grab some lunch around Noon, pump again at 2 PM.

Get home at 5 PM and enjoy lots of snuggles. Play, start dinner, eat, give girls baths, nurse Aurelia, bedtime stories and then to bed I said, around 7:15 PM.

Dishes, laundry, e-mail, {possibly} blogging, {probably} wine, a little TV with Mike and to bed by ~~10:30 PM~~ ~~11 PM~~ 11:30 PM. But really, I need help getting to bed earlier because Momma is TIRED.

This post was supposed to have pictures...but I forgot. And I'm too exhausted to care. Today was hard -- more on that later. For now I think I need to get some sleep.

This week's Toddle Along Tuesday topic is A Day in the Life! Tell us about your day...the usual, or a special one. Share your schedule, photos, whatever! There are no rules here, except that you link up a relevant post (old or new) rather than your whole blog.

Conflicted

2013-04-19T13:47:00.002-04:00

I start work on Monday.

I'm excited, but nervous. Happy, yet sad. Both relieved and anxious at the same time. Hence the post title.

As soon as I was offered the job and the prospect of being away from home materialized, I realized just how badly I need a break. From tantrums, diapers, the incessant "Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy!" and the burden of being completely responsible for the needs of two living and breathing people {aside from myself} all day every day. ::sigh:: I hate admitting this...it makes me feel like a terrible Mom.

But as Carina asks to snuggle me on the couch and throws her arms around my neck coming in for a big hug, my sadness is palpable. As if on cue, Aurelia then flails her arms and squeals and I wonder how I'm going to bear to be away from them.

Snuggle Mommy!

This girl. I just can't even...

What I'm concerned about:

When I worked Full-Time for three months during the summer of 2011, Carina barely took a bottle. I suspect that her Failure to Thrive issues stem from these months of not eating enough. Aurelia is not a fan of bottles, either, and I'm worried that history will repeat itself.

Carina is really attached to me. To the point where when I leave to go downstairs to the basement for 2 minutes to throw in the laundry, she calls for me over and over. I think it'll be good for her to be away from me but the thought of my sad little toddler crying for me breaks my heart. I hope she likes the Nanny.

Can my brain go from stay-at-home Mom mode to focused on work quickly? It's been quite a while since I worked with the software that I'll be modifying/updating, and I'm worried it won't come back to me easily.

I've been feeling a lot better lately, but I have to admit I'm a little apprehensive about this all intensifying my anxiety.

Why this job is so important to us:

I need a break. I'm with my girls all day every day and generally speaking, I love it. But, I need some time by myself. This job is currently only for 3 Months, so it might be the perfect "break" for me. There will be the option for continuing after it ends, and I'm crossing my fingers that {if I'm up for it} they will be open to part-time.

My brain is begging to be challenged. Other than for how best to handle a poopsplosion or tantrum, I haven't had to use my critical thinking skills in quite some time. I'm eager to learn and think and produce again.

The money I'll be making means we'll go from qualifying for government assistance (which, by the way, we never accepted) to more than doubling our annual income - for only 3 Months of work. We'll get to buy another car, go out on dates more often, save a {hopefully} hefty future down payment for a house, and maybe even go on a vacation. Simply put, we don't have to worry about money anymore. The most exciting aspect of this for us is that it means we can definitely afford a baby #3 sometime in the near future... ;)

I'm hoping this will all work out with minimal anxiety, stress, and sadness for our little family. We'll see. Here goes.

All there is to come

2013-04-18T09:47:00.002-04:00

Four years ago today I married my mad scientist.

Today we celebrate. We celebrate our love, our two beautiful girls, and our accomplishments. The last four years have brought us immeasurable joy, but quite a bit to overcome as well. The stress of completing Mike's doctorate, a move half-way across the country, Carina's Failure to Thrive, and my anxiety, to name a few.

But today, we also celebrate all there is to come: our girls growing, adding to our family (as we both agree that it isn't complete yet), and in about two years -- when Mike is finished with his Post-Doc here -- we'll be moving somewhere else to {hopefully} settle. In our immediate future, I begin working on Monday. After more than 18 Months as a stay-at-home Mom I'll be reentering the workforce. Eeek! As nervous as I am, this means great things for our family. But more on that this weekend... :)

One of my favorite things about blogging is the ability to go back and read what I was feeling on any given day in the past. While I didn't start this blog until a few months after our wedding, I did chronicle our anniversary each year (and I went back and posted some wedding photos more recently). Reading through these milestones makes me smile and thank God for Mike, and for all of our blessings.

Our wedding | 1st Anniversary | 2nd Anniversary | 3rd Anniversary

Up a size

2013-04-16T20:23:00.002-04:00

When your child has been diagnosed with Failure to Thrive, noticing that she is outgrowing her clothes brings a sigh of relief, a sense of triumph, and maybe even a smug "I told you so" -- directed at her pushy doctors, of course.

After wearing teeny tiny size 18 Month pants for over a year, she blew through size 24 Months and now her 2T pairs are even too short. Thank goodness for elastic waistbands. She has slowly begun to fill out her tops, outgrowing many of her 2T sized ones as well. I can't believe I'm buying size 3T for my little girl. Sure, they might be a little long, but she'll grow into them.

24 Months sweatshirt? Way too short!

Here we go 3T!

She's hit 35 inches and is approaching 26 lbs. To think that this time last year she weight about the same as Aurelia does now is mind boggling. We have come such a long way.

Her Failure to Thrive diagnosis and the subsequent testing and constant shoving food at her was one of the hardest things I've had to manage, and I know she was so frustrated, too :(

I hope and pray that her growth continues.

Mother's Day Gift Idea - Origami Owl Giveaway! CLOSED

2013-04-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

This is a sponsored post.

Meet Shelly, an Independent Designer for Origami Owl, a jewelry company that allows you to design customized lockets that reflect your interests and tell the story of your life! There are over 200 different charms so -- in Shelly's words -- whatever your pleasure, there's a charm for that ;)

More about Shelly
I'm Shelly. First I chase three kids, second I chase the dream of being a filmmaker/actor. So I'm a story-teller by nature…I started with Origami Owl for just that reason, they give everyone a chance to tell their story through the lockets they design. I love hosting parties and doing events because I get to hear everyone's stories and also their hopes/plans--it's really interesting and exciting.

Tell me a little bit about Origami Owl
First the lockets are so awesomesauce! They are really well made and beautiful for any occasion. What's so cool about the company is they are all about inspiring women to good things. It's really empowering, especially because the whole concept was started by a 14 year old girl in AZ! It is still a new company which makes it exciting to be part of the growth curve. It's fun to talk to people about because it is the perfect gift for everyone and a really fun way to own your own biz.

I love my Origami Owl locket! For Mother's Day, I might see if *ahem ahem* someone might want to add a few charms to mine. I particularly like the "M" initial and music notes. Oooh and this cute key dangle.

Shop:

E-mail Shelly your Origami Owl order and she'll add in a free charm with a $50 purchase, or 2 free charms with a $75 purchase!

Win:
One lucky reader will win (a $59 value):
1 Medium Living Locket with Crystals in silver or gold
3 Charms of winners choice
1 16-18" Ball Station Chain in silver or gold
1 Medium Stamped Plate in silver or gold

How to Enter:

This is a Rafflecopter giveaway. Click "Read More" below and then follow the instructions on the widget. Make sure to click "Enter!" after you complete each entry. All currents count! The giveaway is open to residents of the US only and ends at 11:59 PM EST on Sunday, April 21st.

The first entry is mandatory - Visit Shelly's Origami Owl site and tell me which charms are your favorite! Once you complete this entry, the widget will give you the option of completing the rest. Complete more steps for more chances to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Two down, just one to go

2013-04-14T22:56:00.002-04:00

1. I did some shopping.

Okay, that's not quite the truth. I did a lot of shopping. Since my last job didn't have a dress code, and pajamas sufficed much of the time while I was a stay-at-home Mom, my closet is sorely lacking in the professional and presentable clothes department. I'm really excited to get dressed up in my new outfits ;)

2. After posting our Nanny position on Care.com we received a flurry of responses {including one that simply stated "I want Melissa" uhhh....what? Needless to say, I didn't reply to that one} and had four interviews today. It was more exhausting than I thought it would be and towards the end I worried I was repeating myself or accidentally omitting important information. Narrowing it down was difficult, but we think we have found the perfect person to care for the girls.

Both Mike and I feel really confident with our Nanny choice. She'll be spending some time with us on Saturday to get acclimated and to watch the girls while we go test drive cars, which is our one remaining task!

I think it's safe to say that I'm a veritable emotional roller coaster right now. One minute I'm so excited about working, and then the next I look over at the girls and can't help but worry. Will Carina be upset with me? Will Aurelia take a bottle okay? Will working exacerbate my anxiety? I'm hoping and praying that everything will be fine...

And not even 30 hours later...

2013-04-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

I have a job.

I start April 22nd ::cue freakout::

We have to hire a Nanny. We should probably buy another car (YAY IT'S MINIVAN TIME!) I desperately need to go shopping for an entire wardrobe because I haven't had to wear professional looking clothes since 2007. Not that those would fit anyway, after the number that two pregnancies did on my ass and thighs...

Anyway. This has been a crazy whirlwind. I received a call yesterday at noon from a consulting company that I have spoken with in the past. They wanted to submit my resume for an opening at a local hospital. I told them to go for it. I had a phone interview this evening and was officially offered the job. I'm going to be helping this hospital (specifically, the pharmacy inside the hospital) fix issues that arose during their electronic medical record installation. In my previous life, I tested the software that they use at the company that develops it.

It's full-time, but they are open to me working closer to 30 hours some weeks and/or from home here and there. And the best part? The contract is only for 3 Months. So if I don't like it or have a tough time being away from the girls, I'll be back home with them mid-July. If I like it and want to stay on? There is the possibility of extension. Did I mention I'll make more than 4 times what I did at my old job? Yeah. I just couldn't say no.

I'm super excited, but also nervous and a little overwhelmed. I don't know how Carina is going to do without me, and I'm worried that Aurelia hasn't ever taken a bottle. SO MUCH TO DO.

I might have to neglect the blog a little since there is a lot we have to take care of right now, so please bear with me as I prepare for and settle into my new {temporary} role as working Mom.

But right now, I'm going to eat a giant bowl of ice cream. I figure I deserve it ;)