growing.rootz

A Road I didn't Plan

2013-01-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

there's been a stirring in my heart the past few weeks.

it all started at church when our pastor challenged us,

"is your lack of activity really apathy disguised as surrender?"

i knew the answer, yes, i'd known it for a while. but life was easier that way, wasn't it? i knew it wouldn't last- it never does. yet i always hope...

it's dumbfounding how another's actions towards me can spell out my attitude towards God so emphatically. blatantly. i guess that's how He has to speak to me if i'm not reading it in His Word. He WILL make his point clear, that i know full well.

if i were really transparent and honest, i'd have to say a few days ago it was pretty piercing to hear my friend tell my son how i was 'the real deal'. i don't think i have been. at the time in my son's life when it's so important.
and that really saddens me.

i think it may be time to get rid of some distractions in my life .

last night i heard this song on the radio and that was it... i knew the battle had begun again.ugh.

and the swords came blazing...
sometimes i just have no patience for the lies that Satan plants in searching hearts.

11 "Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. 12 "Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. 13 "You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men. 14 "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; 15 nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16 "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. - Mat 5:11-16 NASB

there's no other way around it. i will proclaim it til the day i die.

sometimes it's just so unnerving how close it hits to home...

Momma's Holiday Cranberry Sauce

2012-06-23T19:51:00.002-07:00

(yes, i know it's summer and we are a long ways from the holidays, but please, read on...)

it's always a pretty good indication that i need to get cooking again when i open the fridge and have a hard time finding anything that a good meal can consist of... oh the life of ridding oneself of convenience foods...
(i think it's about time i schedule a cooking day so this doesn't happen to me every.single.week, ha!)

well, speaking of ridding our home of convenience foods, there's actually room in the freezer now! but that's not all... this means i can actually SEE what all is in there too!! double excitement. ESPECIALLY when i set eyes on my cranberries, that i bought at ungodly low prices after the holidays, and froze for use at such a time like this. Mmmmmm!

"cranberries in the summertime?", you might say. and i say, "YES! absolutely!!". in my opinion, there is nothing quite so refreshing and invigorating as a bowl of good 'ol momma's holiday cranberry sauce in the dead of summer. if you can find them, that is. (i ran into that predicament last year about this time so this year i'm prepared.) if you can't find any that are fresh, sometimes grocery stores will sell them in the freezer section. happy hunting! if nothing else, this is an AWESOME go-to recipe for Thanksgiving and Christmas!

enough babbling (can you tell i'm excited?), here goes...

Ingredients:
1 bag (12oz) cranberries
1 large seedless Orange
honey or other sweetener of choice

Directions:
Put cranberries in a food processor and chop into small peanut-size pieces. Remove cranberries and then put the whole orange (you can cut into pieces, as shown, but use the rind too!) in and process until rind is chopped up nicely and incorporated.

Combine the cranberries and orange in a bowl and mix in honey to taste. I use 1-2Tb but I do LOVE sour things so you may prefer a bit more. The point is to decrease the sourness from the cranberries but it is supposed to have a tangy flavor. It's like natural, healthy Sour Patch Kids!! haha.

TaDa!!! YUMMY! (i sprinkled some walnuts on top since i had some already chopped up to make some more breakfast cookies)

Peanut Butter, Oat and Flax Energy Cereal

2012-06-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

a few months ago it was brought to my attention how HORRIBLE boxed cereal is for our bodies! take a look:

"Boxed breakfast cereals are some of the most toxic, unhealthy foods you can possibly buy at the grocery store. Believe it or not, organic brands are the absolute worst!

The reason is that the violent processing required to make boxed cereal (called extrusion) is so high in temperature and pressure that the proteins in the grains are completely denatured and rendered toxic from the ordeal. Organic boxed cereal is the most toxic of all because it is whole grain and therefore higher in protein!

Toxic foods are frequently the most addictive (think MSG and aspartame/nutrasweet), so even though it is difficult, you simply must eliminate these foods from your pantry for good!"

~The Healthy Home Economist

so since reading this and doing some research myself, i've been on the lookout for homemade cereal that doesn't take a lot of time to make and actually tastes GOOD. in addition to yesterday's Slow Cooker Fruit and Nut Granola this is another recipe that i've actually been making about weekly for the past 2months. not that i'm addicted or anything... ha.

i originally found this recipe (from this blog) in the form of Energy Bites. i have found, though, that it lasts longer for me if i eat it like cereal and i actually like i better that way too. ever since i became pregnant i'm a much bigger fan of milk than i used to be- and that's added protein anyways- so this is how i eat it. MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT. that's just how good it is! haha. below is my version of the recipe- i make about 50% more at a time- with my normal decreased amount of sugar and inclusion of additional grains...

Ingredients:
1 1/4c oats

3/4c oat bran
2/3c coconut
1c ground flaxseed

3/4c peanut butter

1/2c chocolate chips

1/4c honey
1tsp vanilla

Directions:
Stir all ingredients together until thoroughly mixed and chill in the refrigerator.

now how easy is THAT??!

Slow Cooker Fruit and Nut Granola

2012-06-14T19:32:00.002-07:00

i believe i'm in the middle of a love affair with my Crock Pot.

while i've been very much enjoying making my own snacks, staples and pantry items instead of relying on preservative/chemical filled foods from the grocery store, one thing i do NOT enjoy is a hot house during the Summertime! to avoid this uncomfortable affect of baking during the heat waves of Florida's summer i normally just prep everything during the day and then put it in the oven at night after the sun goes down. yes, this is a bit inconvenient and requires some planning ahead. ENTER: the CROCK POT. the miracle mini-oven. i LOVE that it takes such little energy and everything can be cooked right there in that tiny (compared to an oven) space of a pot.
VOILA! Dinner!!

OR... BRRRREAKFAST!!! yes, that's right... Breakfast in a Crock Pot!

Ingredients:
5c oats
1c nuts, chopped (i used walnuts)
1c dried fruit
3/8c sweetener (i used 1/8c honey + 1/4c agave nectar )
1/2c seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, etc.)
4 Tb butter (next time i'm going to try coconut oil... of course)
1/4c coconut
2 tsp cinnamon

Directions:

Place all ingredients in slow cooker and set to high for 2-3 hours. Place a chopstick or other utensil under the lid so it doesn’t close all the way. Check and stir the granola around every 30 minutes, or when it becomes fragrant. Once it looks a bit browned and toasted, it’s ready to go. Turn off slow cooker, let granola cool, then store in airtight bag in fridge.

*This recipe makes cereal-like granola – if you like really clumpy, trail-mix granola, and aren't so concerned with fat and sugar content, add more sweetener and butter.

Bon Appetit, my friends!

(recipe adapted from here)

Breakfast "Cookies"

2012-06-12T13:26:00.004-07:00

SO when every two weeks you end up with a laundry basket FULL of produce (courtesy of the fruit/veggie co-op i'm a part of), some of it is just bound to go bad... or almost. i've searched high and low for a GOOD, healthy way to use up overly ripe bananas and have FINALLY found it! (recipe adapted from this blog)
(ps- one day i had 2 of these and they tied me over until 2pm! well, ok, i also had some of my green smoothie with the first one and was pretty darn ready for another meal by 2 o'clock but still, i think that's pretty good for a cookie ;) GREAT wholesome option for on-the-go snacking if you get my drift!)

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups regular rolled oats
1/4 cup of almond meal
1/2 cup ground flax seeds
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon allspice
1/2 cup coconut flakes
1/2 cup mixed nuts, finely chopped
1 cup dried fruit

3 ripe bananas, mashed
1/4 cup coconut oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:Preheat oven to 350*F. Line baking sheet with parchment paper.

1. In a large bowl, combine rolled oats, ground flax seed, almond meal, salt, allspice and cinnamon.

2. Add in nuts, coconut and dried fruit and stir until well and evenly mixed. Make sure the dried fruit do not stick together in big batches.

(i had some leftover "trail mix" i'd made up of almonds, dates and cranberries so just chopped them all up together in my food processor before adding them into the cookie mix)

3. In another bowl, combine coconut oil, mashed banana and vanilla extract.

(i do things the hard way so mashed my bananas after putting everything together in the bowl)

4. Pour wet ingredients over dry ingredients and stir until well combined.

5. Drop by spoonful onto cookie sheet and bake for about 20 minutes or until edges are golden brown.

~VOILA!!!!~
a NO-CARB added solution for those bananas! YUMMY!!!

Note: although i used almonds because that's what i had on hand- and needed to use up- they were AMAZING in these cookies! after being baked in the oven they had a "toasted" almond taste and aroma... mmmmm!

No Pressure

2012-06-08T13:30:00.001-07:00

do you ever have those days when you KNOW all your body needs is a salad but NOTHING in you really wants one??? that just happened to me. and guess what i'm eating?! a SALAD! ha. how did that happen? it's this thing called reverse psychology that went a little like this:

need lunch... open fridge (nope, nope, nope, nope- nothing looks good)
go to cabinet... pull out chips- YUM! hmmm, cheese sounds good with these and i bet i could eat a salad too.
5mins later i've got a HUGE salad in my hands w/cheese on top and my chips on the side! self-trickery... that's what i call it!

(ps- the chips are "clean". LOVE Trader Joe's!!!)

haha. really though... i was just talking to my friend about this concept the other day. about how allowing yourself to "cheat" often takes away the desire to really actually do it. the conversation we had was more about getting our weekly workouts in and i expressed how i was feeling REALLY exhausted and was gonna give myself a pass again- for the third day in a row. after we got off the phone i was thinking to myself, "hey, you know, i really kinda want to workout now! even if it's just 10minutes." the result? i ended up working out for 18minutes!! same thing as the salad- by not pressuring myself, making myself feel obligated, i still made the RIGHT CHOICE and was HAPPY about it. if i pressure myself into doing the right thing then i usually end up hating every minute of it. self-love and tenderness is SUCH a better way to go!!!

now, granted, this concept can be taken to an extreme, as in just being lazy, but that is where self-awareness and being willing to be honest with yourself comes in. it takes a little practice in being able to discern if you are just making excuses or if you really do need to insert a little self-acceptance WITHOUT that salad or workout. BUT it's SOOO important to be able to disconnect your identity or self-esteem by what you DO. being proud of your accomplishments is one thing, but finding your whole being in them is another!

you must know that i have not gotten to this place over night. just take a look at the first year or two of posts on this blog and you can follow the journey i have taken on my quest for balance. it's POWERFUL! i look back at those posts and see really how far i've come. i was in a VERY unhealthy state at that point in my life but what progress has taken place over the past couple years! it is time-consuming and tough but SO worth it! i'm VERY thankful that i have taken the opportunity to invest time and energy into this area of health for myself. we as women so often spend our days always caring for those around us- making their world go round and stay in one piece- that we forget to invest in caring for ourselves and our world on top of all of it.

food for thought. i hope that you will decide to do this for yourself as well. you are worth it. just the way you are, right now. if a good starting point for you is reading some of my earlier posts to see how i've come to this point then i'd be SO happy that my story and struggles and victories could help make a difference in someone else's life. there's enough hate in the world already and we should NOT be hating ourselves, the way we look, the goals we haven't met, etc. (and, yes, it is hard to admit that self-hate is really the issue but sometimes- like in my life- that is the reality and it needs to be admitted before it can be overcome.) i am so passionate about this because i struggled for SOO long and i KNOW the insanity that can take place in the mind, soul, and being because of all the pressures to be "beautiful", "perfect", "ideal" that are put on us as women. it doesn't need to be that way and it CAN change! i am proof!!

you are ALREADY enough!!!

Thoughts for Today

2012-06-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

~

"Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have walked in my integrity, And I have trusted in the LORD without wavering.
Examine me, O LORD, and try me; Test my mind and my heart. For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes, And I have walked in Your truth.
I do not sit with deceitful men, Nor will I go with pretenders. I hate the assembly of evildoers, And I will not sit with the wicked.
I shall wash my hands in innocence, And I will go about Your altar, O LORD, That I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving And declare all Your wonders.
O LORD, I love the habitation of Your house And the place where Your glory dwells.
Do not take my soul away along with sinners, Nor my life with men of bloodshed, In whose hands is a wicked scheme, And whose right hand is full of bribes.
But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity; Redeem me, and be gracious to me. My foot stands on a level place; In the congregations I shall bless the LORD.
- Psa 26:1-12 NASB

~

2012-06-05T20:36:00.001-07:00

i heard this song in the car today and immediately thought of 4 friends who are going through particularly trying times in their lives right now.

i first heard this song when my mom told me about it last year during a very trying time in my life.

the one common denominator of these struggles? marriage.
interesting, isn't it?
never before in my life have i understood so well the reality of Satan's rule of this world than since the day i said
"I Do". take a look at these words:

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ... So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ... This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church." - Eph 5:22-25, 28-29, 32 NASB

do you see a correlation here??! marriage is a DIRECT representation of Christ's relationship with us, lived out in OUR lives. of COURSE Satan is going to attack those who are living God's grace and mercy out in their lives and honoring Him through their marriage relationships.

i find it very unnerving how there isn't more support for marriages within the church. the difficulties and disappointments are not spoken of- it ought to be taught from a young age that to be in a Christ-centered marriage is to be ready for battle! and we wonder why divorce is just as prevalent within the walls of our places of worship as it is outside of them? when will people step up to the plate and teach reality?! it hurts my heart SO much to see my friends struggling so. it ANGERS me to see the Enemy crushing their spirits and hopes telling them that they are failing, not good enough, made a mistake, not able to carry out their vows. LIES!

and yet, there IS hope! one of the most valuable things i have learned over the past couple years is that having a "good" marriage is no accomplishment but that STAYING married IS! not just for the sake of living up to other people's expectations or doing it because it's right but really understanding that marriage is not the point at all. but rather, our sanctification. we, as married partners being refined, changed, made more like Christ. in my experience, marriage is one big, fat chance to exemplify grace over and over and over and over and over... and over again. people that are married for 30, 40, 50+ years do not reach that point because they have been lucky and ended up in a good marriage. they are the warriors, the fighters, the persevering. that kind of milestone can ONLY be reached through a COMPLETE investment of heart and soul and strength and humility. and PRAYER. it does NOT just happen! it is blood, sweat, and tears to the hilt! it is not for the faint of heart or for those seeking a "feeling".

i'll bet that Christ sure didn't "feel" like going to the Cross to show His love for us!
in fact, i KNOW He didn't...

"And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will." ... He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, "My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done." ... And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more." - Mat 26:39, 42, 44 NASB

and He was PERFECT.
that just gives you a little glimpse of what this is all about. everything within Christ did not want to die but what He did want was to be obedient to God's divine plan so that we would have an example of what TRUE LOVE is! THAT kind of love is what marriage is intended to reflect. and we CAN live out that kind of love in our lives- a love so great that Hollywood can't even touch with a pinpoint...

"what if Your blessings come through raindrops,
what if Your healing comes through tears,
and what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
...the pain reminds our heart that this is not our home."

Your marriage IS worth it!

Easy 3-Step Granola Bars

2012-06-05T10:09:00.006-07:00

Ingredients:
3 1/4c rolled oats
1/2c almond meal (flour)
1/4c coconut
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2c coconut oil
1/4c +2Tb honey
1/2c mini chocolate chips or raisins
1/4c dried cranberries (or other add-in)

Directions:

1. Mix ingredients together

2. Press into a greased 8x8 pan.

3. Bake at 325*F for 20-25min. When timer goes off, turn off oven but leave pan in for 15minutes as oven cools down. Granola bars should be nicely browned to a golden color on top. LET COOL completely before cutting and removing for best results. Makes 12 bars.

Note: This recipe was adapted from one I found on Pinterest that did not have a link attached. I omitted 1/4c brown sugar, subbed almond meal for regular flour (to "up" the protein/healthy fat content and get rid of unneeded carbs), and 1/2c coconut oil for 1/3c melted butter. I also added in some coconut for texture.
**If you are like me and rarely make a recipe the same twice, depending on what you decide to use for your "ad-ins" (ie: chocolate chips, nuts, raisins, dried fruit, coconut, etc.), you may have to tweak your amounts of honey and coconut oil since these are your "adhesives" to hold it all together. You basically just want it to be sticky enough so that it combines and meshes well as you press it into the pan.

Mmmmmm... SO much better for you than those bars you can buy at the grocery store! i dare you to look at the ingredients in THOSE ;)

~ENJOY!!!~

Green Smoothie Recipe

2012-06-04T20:27:00.002-07:00

ingredients:

1 large orange (give or take- I ended up using 3/4 of one), peeled and segmented

1 banana, cut into chunks

14 frozen strawberries

4 cups spinach

1 cup plain Greek yogurt (I use Chobani 0%)

1 cup hot water

2 Tb honey

directions:

1. Put all of the ingredients in a blender and puree until smooth. Pour into glasses and serve.

here's what i started with:

eh, i think i'll add in some more spinach...

Note: experiment with this one! of course there are TONS of great smoothie recipes out there but I really love this one so am going to stick with it until I need something new... I have put carrots in it as well- a little different tasting but, hey, they needed to be used up and hubby even approved too.

I made a double recipe adapted from one I found on Pinterest from this blog. My strawberries were frozen, hence, the hot water- the blender I have now isn't strong enough otherwise... RIP VitaMix :( I had a couple really nice large bunches of spinach from Co-op on Saturday so I quadrupled the amount meaning I put 2x as much in since I'm doubling the recipe. It's still VERY surprising to me how it doesn't taste bad at ALL with so much "veggie" in a smoothie! **WONDERFUL** The greek yogurt makes it a little tart but I actually like it that way and I'm all about getting a good dose of protein so that ingredient I tripled from the original recipe. The added honey is for good measure, ha.

What Limits?

2012-06-04T20:14:00.004-07:00

WOW.

WHAT a week! my husband is out of town for 9 days, out West, on a motorcycle trip with a friend of ours from college. i was SO excited to have some time to get caught up on some projects i've had brewing in my head for months now, but guess what? that has not happened at ALL! i always try to keep my schedule pretty full while he's gone, so that i make sure to stay occupied, and evidently i have mastered that skill quite well.

and then a 21 hour day on saturday was about the last straw... though it was all for good reason... essentially.

it all started getting up at 4am to head out to the Farmer's Market for the veggie/fruit co-op i'm a part of- who's brilliant idea was it to schedule me to shop the weekend my husband was gone? oh yeah, that was me. great thinking... mommy-brain at it finest, woohoo. an AMAZING (obviously) friend of mine agreed to come stay with little guy so he could sleep the remaining half of the night. geez, where do i get these ideas? anyways, this AMAZING friend of mine is my workout partner so of course we had to get that in while she was in my neck of the woods (we live 30min apart) so by 10am i had a stocked fridge (in theory because the produce still needed washing), 25min workout under my belt, was showered and ready for the day except that my body thought it'd be great timing to get a nap. oh yeah, sleep. so i happened to be able to get a couple hours of nap in but i kinda had a lot on my mind and was trying desperately to tie up some loose ends- food that was going bad, cloth diapers that needed washing, something like that- before it was too late.

well, since hubby is out of town why don't i catch up with all my little munchkins i've nannied?! yes, that was saturday night. i took little guy 45min north to watch "the boys", so their parents could have a date night, which meant not getting home until 11:30pm and not getting to sleep myself until 1am. are you getting a glimpse of the brilliance yet??

Sunday. little guy wakes up at 9am meaning if i were honest i could make it to the 11am church service (which is also across town by 35mins), if i really felt like it. i did. in the meantime, while nursing, i realize dog really needs a bath BAD, oh yeah, baby needs a bath BAD, and heck i sure could use one too. time to rev the engines...

so basically, by 5pm yesterday ALL i had accomplished was bathing and feeding everyone, going to church, and getting in a nap. but seriously, there was not so much food to eat in a pinch (which if you're getting the hint is quite necessary around here on a daily basis). ok, well, since it's summer in FL i certainly try to not use the oven until the late evening so the AC unit doesn't get burned out. guess i'll start with a smoothie...

that was the easy part.
by the time the night was done i'd also whipped up some homemade granola bars, breakfast cookies, cereal, and a loaf of bread. believe me, the kitchen was SCARY!

and stayed that way until about 4 hours ago. remember my little munchkins? i've got another- one of "the girls"- sleeping in the spare room right now... thankfully they don't really know the difference when your life is in shambles and you're scrambling to keep up with it all. and all i've really wanted to do is blog. but i promise, i will catch up over the next few days... can't wait to share these recipes!

If ignorance is bliss I wish I were ignorant

2012-06-01T11:33:00.002-07:00

well, as many of you who are moms know, time flies by at just rapid speeds as the years progress- a fact of life that is made all too evident when children come into the picture.

i can't quite believe little guy is already 4 1/2 months old <sigh>. i feel like he has tripled his size and just completely morphed into his own little being. it's so amazing to me how someone of his extremely young age can already have such a specific personality! at this stage i can't help but feel like his little babyisms just continue to slip through my fingers like raindrops one after the other each day but then i'm blessed to have an amazingly sweet, good-mannered, agreeable child- so maybe this is not the norm for everyone. it is SO fun to watch him change, develop, and grow but in a way i really hate it. i KNOW this is the best time (as the parent) of his life right now and that scares me. my years of experience nannying all ages of children has given me a pretty good bank of knowledge to know what is coming in the years ahead. and in this case i don't think the statement "knowledge is power" rings true because, let's be honest, there's nothing I can do to avoid the inevitable. perhaps for the first time i'm really understanding why mothers have such a hard time letting their children grow older, detach. and keep the "baby" a baby as long as they can. it's such a sweet time of motherhood and, frankly, i don't want it to change. in my opinion it feels a little more like "knowledge is fear".

perhaps motherhood is the bravest position in life...

Breakfast of Champions (and, no, this is not about Frosted Flakes)

2012-05-28T07:40:00.004-07:00

Hmmmm, what for breakfast?

the milk went bad yesterday so that kind of limits my options.
Lord knows i oughta eat more eggs but i need something just a little less laborious at the moment. ok, a LOT less. i need something NOW.

how about a popsicle??!

why, yes, i think i will

"really???!", you might say...

YES, this isn't just ANY popsicle...

HERE'S the recipe.
SUPER easy... and, yes, they really do turn out looking that cool

NOTE:
i pretty much always find some kind of modification to apply to the recipes i find to make them healthier.

here's what i do with this one:
1. omit the sugar, add a bit of vanilla flavoring
2. for yogurt, use
*PLAIN (vanilla flavoring ^ adds enough without added sugar of vanilla yogurt),
*GREEK variety (a LOT more protein, less sugar),
*0%-2% milk fat.

***i like Chobani or Cabot brand (less expensive and as far as i'm concerned just as good)

FRUIT? check!
PROTEIN? check!
YUMMINESS? check!

on a side note, these are also a great substitute for an ice cream dessert ;)

2012-05-27T12:39:00.004-07:00

do you ever have one of those days when it feels like life is one endless load of laundry??

sometimes it is SOO hard to get motivated.
which brings me to another point of purging.

there's been an ongoing discussion in our home about how to spend (or not spend) our money. (a bit of a more ongoing discussion now that there is a third person.) especially now that i'm not working i don't feel nearly as free to purchase things "just for fun". BUT buying baby clothes aren't "just for fun", right?? they actually serve a very good purpose, no? well, 1 of the 2 of us has a little bit of a more conservative view on the matter...
(i'll let you do the deciphering)

it's been a few weeks and we still hadn't figured out a good balance
UNTIL
last week it became apparent that one of the main issues is freedom.
in other words, being able to "get up and go"- no being held back or tied down by

"stuff"

ok, i TOTALLY get that! anyone that knows me understands that i LOVE adventure and going...

and THEN i ran into this post while browsing one of my favorite blogs a few days later...

"I was walking back from the coffee shop near my office recently when I just happened to see a stencil of a clover on the street and snapped a photo of it. I guess it was left over from the St. Patrick’s Day celebration, but I took it as one of those little messages the Universe likes to leave in your path when you’re in need of a mental bitch slap. As in, don’t forget how lucky I am to be taking a break from a job many people would kill for with a kind of pretentious iPhone camera in my pocket and an expensive handmade coffee drink in my hand. I generally take all those things for granted in the sense of just not thinking about them deeply enough. It’s as if I’ve become so used to them that I have an unconscious sense of entitlement, and I really really hate that. It not only cuts me off from reality, but it also insulates me from the possibility of astonishment around every corner. All the things and stuff I accumulate, like that daily complicated coffee order, distract me from bigger issues, deeper needs, the solitariness and yearning waiting at the heart of every life. What can I do without in order to live a richer life?"

"What can I do without in order to live a richer life?"

wow.

well, now, that is a SPECTACULAR question!

(and i believe there's something about this in the Bible too)
ever heard of the Rich Young Ruler?

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. "Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." ... "But many who are first will be last; and the last, first. - Mat 19:21-24, 30 NASB

you know, i find it rather astonishing sometimes how the truths of the Bible are inside of us in our very souls and yet sooo many people don't see that we ALL are created for God's glory- whether we decide to believe it or not!
there's no escaping his handiwork and master plan

(i don't believe in "messages from the Universe, btw, i think it's something called sovereignty)

anyways, back to purging.

But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness.
- 1Ti 6:6-11 NASB

you see, it's like we treat these kinds of discoveries like an epiphany when it's
WHAT WE WERE MADE FOR

the way it's SUPPOSED to be.
and we wonder why people who seem to have it all, the world at their fingertips, are just never quite "happy" enough and every once in a while someone (like my fellow blogger) says, "wait a minute, LOOK at all these blessings! look at all the little things i have that i don't even NEED."

THESE are the very things that CLOUD my eyes from what's really important. the special little moments of each day that canNOT be noticed unless i get rid of STUFF. distractions. things that i think make me happy but in reality keep me from finding contentment all around me.

(so i guess now you know whom is the more materialistic out of the 2 of us)

so what does all this have to do with LAUNDRY you might ask?
well, while that may never actually go away i think it is the perfect reminder of how the more stuff we have the less free TIME we have. time to notice the flowers poking out of the bushes, the butterfly coasting through the air, the sun shining through the window, the feeling of a little head contentedly resting on my shoulder. AND the power of our valuing capability decreases as it is spread over a ginormous amount of objects instead of just a handful that actually MEAN SOMETHING.

i'm certainly still learning

but it's a start...

transformation of a junk food

2012-05-26T14:01:00.010-07:00

i have to say, i absolutely LOVE how pizza night has become "clean out the veggie drawer" night!

i was diagnosed with hyperinsulinemia about 8 years ago and so since then pizza has been one of those "no-no" foods to only splurge on once in a while...

BUT NOW

NOW
my husband and i can agree on this one
very important part of his life
(haha)

here's the breakdown:

i've slowly but surely been "cleaning" up what we use for the crust... the latest was a flatbread from our local downtown market sooooo no preservatives or anything (yes, there is an ingredient list- not assumption) but still probably not the healthiest thing.
(we've also used the Flatout flatbread before, again, being "healthy" but LOOK at the ingredient list!! ummmm, there's a LOT of things i don't think are supposed to be in there :/ ...no more!)

NEXT time i'm gonna try my hand at homemade... can't wait! i've tried making my own crust before via the bread machine but it never really turned out right (it seems due to our FL humidity maybe?) and now i've got a new method (which i'll get into another day) that i'm itching to experiment with.

ooooooh, but the TOPPINGS!
let's see....
spinach, yellow squash, fresh tomatoes, scallions, green peppers, fresh basil, and of course cheese and pepperoni
can we say YUM?!
(most all veggies courtesy of the veggie co-op i recently joined- yippy!)

so a few things i haven't really gotten into yet is dairy and meat
(tomato/pasta sauce is next on the list to make)

ALTHOUGH

i USED to be the ALDI-money-saving-at-all-costs wife buying frozen meat that ate who-knows-what while being raised and packaged in who-knows-what in the store. BLECH!

(my husband actually encouraged this one)

so NOW i'm settling on Perdue Fit and Easy chicken which is:
1. raised cage-free
2. raised on vegetarian diet
3. has no artificial additives or preservatives

and i just grab a BUNCH to freeze when it's on sale. every once in a while the store brand organic chicken isn't too expensive so i get that when i can. as far as ground meat i 99% of the time use ground turkey or chicken for tacos, lasagna, meatloaf, patties, etc. SOOO much healthier than beef and there are good all-natural varieties available at reasonable prices.
again, SALE= stock up and freeze

(oh yeah, turkey pepperoni and turkey bacon are GREAT options too! lower in calories and fat, good amount of protein and still very good!! ...the hubby says so!)

ps- if you season enough 1- hubby won't even notice or
2- at least won't complain too much ;)

eventually i'd like to check out this place to get my meats- LOCAL, woohoo!!!- but i just discovered it a few days ago and currently don't have any freezer space. this is also an option for anyone interested if you are at all close to I-75 in TN and states south of there.

obviously i'm still workin' through my game plan in the meat department...

so anyways, the concept applied to our new way of enjoying pizza is

"stuff your fav foods full of veggies wherever you can"

and NO food is off limits! (really.)

ENJOY!!!

Step 1

2012-05-26T12:21:00.004-07:00

one of my first apprehensions to refining the way that we eat was getting my husband on board :/

men and their food!

the challenging part is that he can eat absolutely anything he wants as often as he wants and it doesn't change a THING

(no wonder i've had a complex with MY relationship with food. j/k)

so, basically, why would he want to change?
cue: the REALLY challenging part

ok, maybe you don't understand.
my husband has been a cheeto-loving, pizza-hoarding, Snickers-craving, fries and burgers, potato chips and crackers kind of fiend.
and no worse for the wear- yet, at least.
(that may be a little of a strong perspective but it's funny... and half way true)

in my experience with men, they tend to have this "if it ain't broke don't fix it" kind of mentality. so wheeeere exactly was i to start?

(this was my first battle- deciding i really
wanted to address this area of our family's life and habits)

(i was encouraged it WOULD be worth it by some "mommy friends" who have forged the same path in their homes. in their words,

"if YOU do the shopping YOU can change what comes through your front door into your cabinets and fridge."

<sigh> ok, no excuses then...)

in my experience with women, we happen to build things up in our minds and blow things out of proportion. oops.

so, really, what i thought would be a HUGE discussion was more of a "well, if you stay within your food budget go for it" kind of answer.
YAY !

so that was that.
WOOHOO!

truth be told i did not stay within the budget for a few weeks but now that i've got it down to somewhat of a science i spend about 20% LESS on groceries than before.

here's a (hopefully) fairly quick breakdown of the process over the past couple months:
1. Eat through all the bad stuff... ie: crackers, chips, bread, frozen meals, granola bars, cereal, artificial artifacts (lol) ie: convenience foods, etc.
2. find some new recipes to fill voids from above listed items
3. buy organic "dirty dozen" produce items
4. be consistent with buying eggs from farm down the road

ok. gameplan...
cue: Pinterest!
(in my opinion, the perfect activity to stay busy while nursing)
next: make food! ...ahem, that's QUICK, EASY, and TASTES GOOD

i've got a LOT of awesome recipes that are changing the way we eat- and even think about food- that i can't wait to share with you...

EXCITEMENT!!!

A New Way

2012-05-25T14:36:00.008-07:00

pregnancy changed my life in a big way.

ok, so maybe that's not so abnormal.
in case you haven't noticed, my blog has not been so consistent over the past year and that has not been due simply to the craziness of being pregnant and now a SAHM with an infant.

honestly, since i was pregnant with our little guy i have not struggled nearly as much with body image/ healthy lifestyle like i had in the past (due to different hormones, it seems- yippy!) and that's supposed to be what this blog is mainly about so i've been a little lost as to how to continue.
sooo...

as i've taken some time figuring out which direction to take my musings i think i've finally got it!
here goes...

~~~

i've always SWORN to myself that i would NOT become a crazy woman once i became a mom... crazy as in allowing only organics in the house and stuff of that nature. you know, one of those "my baby's gonna have nothing but the best and i'll break the bank if i have to, making sure of it!" kind of moms.

well, if you were to ask my husband he'd probably say that i have failed in this oath of refusal BUT although i wouldn't agree, i HAVE been enjoying purging our home of some unwanted's the past couple of months.

you see, in the past, "healthy", to me, has meant:
produce
high protein
low-calorie
whole grain
natural
(refined) sugar free

and THEN i started looking at labels for some unbeknownst reason... YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was rather disgusted with the amount of ingredients i couldn't pronounce and certainly didn't recognize in "whole grain", "hearty", "natural" items in our cupboards. not to mention those items that to my understanding should only be a few ingredients.
practically EVERYTHING has some kind of nasty chemical preservative ...x10!!!

just so you don't think i'm naive, if i were honest i've known for awhile that this is the way our foods in grocery stores are it's just that the "frugal" side of me wasn't ready to take the plunge and reeeeeally find out if clean eating can take place on a budget... and to my husbands satisfaction- ha, right. plus, i wasn't really ready for the time investment either... until now.

~~~

i guess purity has kind of been a theme of mine the past year or so
(more on that later)

and now it's just spilling over into my day to day life as i seek to be placing more and more pure sustenance on our table and in our fridge.

i hope you will join me on this adventure! i've been having a blast so far and there is SOO much to be informed about on this gradual, practical quest for PURE health.

and just in case you were wondering, since growing.rootz is also all about
CONTENTMENT
in this place God has me in right now i will still be continuing posts about life and family and...
MOMMYHOOD
every now and again as i grow my rootz into this new makeup of my soil

CHEERS!!!

Goodbyes

2012-05-22T11:24:00.003-07:00

it's always a catch 22...

those blessings we are fortunate to experience in life.

for me, one of those things was the amazing opportunity to have grown up within 5 miles of both sets of my grandparents, and though something i'm MORE than grateful for, something that makes saying goodbye to them that much harder.

it's been almost exactly 9 years since i lost two of my grandparents within 5 weeks of each other- long enough to have forgotten how painful it is.

but this goodbye is SO much harder. because we've known it's been coming. anticipated. yet holding out hope we'd have at least another year.

one more Thanksgiving, one more Christmas, one more visit.

i think deep down when i left her house just a couple short weeks ago, i knew it would be the last meal, the last hug, the last goodbye wave as i drove away.

(and maybe they weren't but you just can never be so sure)

and with such a seemingly rapid decline, this past week, i can't help but wonder if that was her last hope. to meet another great-grandchild. to see a last promise of her faithfulness to her family. to be assured her work is done and it's time to move on into the place of her heart's greatest desire...

the selfish part of me wants to plead with God to keep her around for just a while longer. but deep down i just want her to go as peacefully as possible, to be taken from the pains of her aging, sick body and of being separated from her lifelong mate. and most of all i want her to finally be able to fulfill her dream of meeting her Lord and to be welcomed into his loving arms out of the pain and disappointments of this world, into the peace, perfection, and comfort of the next.

she has lived such a faithful life and i couldn't be more proud of her. more thankful for such a wonderful example of what it truly means to live by faith and in GOD's strength.

(how is it that time always truly flies by too fast the last years of a loved one's life? and isn't noticed til only then?)

i only hope i can bear this time of heartache in the same fashion and with the same grace that my grandmother has exhibited
over the course of her life...

and continue to find my hope and peace in the assurance that we will be reunited in perfect harmony and contentment one day, together in the presence of our Savior

as Family, bound through the blood that is o so much more powerful than that which flows through our mortal bodies...

Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, "DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP in victory. "O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord. - 1Cor 15:51-58 NASB

the make-up of a conquerer

2012-05-18T11:53:00.002-07:00

I can't say I ever quite really listened to these words that I sang so often as a child but they are SOOOO powerful- just LOOK:
A mighty fortress is our God, 
a bulwark never failing; 
our helper he amid the flood 
of mortal ills prevaling.  
For still our ancient foe 
doth seek to work us woe; 
his craft and power are great, 
and armed with cruel hate,

on earth is not his equal.

Did we in our own strength confide, 
our striving would be losing, 
were not the right man on our side, 
the man of God's own choosing.
Dost ask who that may be?  
Christ Jesus, it is he; 
Lord Sabaoth, his name, 
from age to age the same, 
and he must win the battle.

And though this world, with devils filled, 
should threaten to undo us, 
we will not fear, for God hath willed 
his truth to triumph through us.  
The Prince of Darkness grim, 
we tremble not for him; 
his rage we can endure, 
for lo, his doom is sure; 
one little word shall fell him.

That word above all earthly powers, 
no thanks to them, abideth; 
the Spirit and the gifts are ours, 
thru him who with us sideth.  
Let goods and kindred go, 
this mortal life also; 
the body they may kill; 
God's truth abideth still; 
his kingdom is forever.

Standing in church this morning singing this old hymn made me really stop and listen. It amazed me that I never realized this song spoke so explicitly about spiritual warfare but, WOW.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
- Eph 3:20-21 NASB

and isn't that the truth??! no matter how prevalent the attacks of Satan are in my life
GOD. IS. ABLE.
HE. WILL. WIN.
TRUTH WILL TRIUMPH THROUGH US
and
NO ONE can change that!

so why DON'T i ask?
i thought this point interesting while reading "A Reason for God" about a month or so ago; that Satan and God are NOT equals warring against each other as is often portrayed but, rather, GOD ALONE rules and Satan is simply a lowly angel who happened to rebel and therefore leads a life in opposition to God's will.

so often i become overwhelmed by the prevalence of evil in the spaces of life all around me and yet i forget that my God has the last say, that Satan canNOT do anything outside of what He allows, and that God CAN!!

but sometimes in my "own strength [i] confide"

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. ... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. - Rom 8:31-33, 35-37 ESV

no matter how naive i may seem through the choices i make in facing the realities and disappointments of life, i AM a CONQUEROR for i KNOW God has better things in store for me than i- or anyone else- could ever think up or imagine for my life.

and
THAT.IS.PEACE.

safe in the palm of His hand

2012-04-22T21:28:00.001-07:00

It's not often that the message on a church's sign means anything to me but the one i saw tonight was just what i needed...

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit."

when i got home i looked up these words of hope and found the following words surrounding them in perfection like the Bible so often does

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! ... The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous And His ears are open to their cry. ... The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. ... The LORD redeems the soul of His servants, And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned. - Psa 34:7-8, 15, 18, 22 NASB

it has hit me once again how God's story is so interlaced with redemption, salvation, freedom.
and THAT is hope enough.

to know that it's ok that i'm not in control, that there's no way i can ensure a specific outcome in this tangled web of life-
THAT is freedom.

i feel SO blessed to have such a great hope, to KNOW without a doubt what the end to all these earthly struggles will be. that it will all be worth it and that i have lived a life i can be proud of- worthy of the Lord's calling. redemption WILL come... just not in my timing, and i'm learning to be ok with that.

"...Now I will arise," says the LORD; "I will set him in the safety for which he longs." The words of the LORD are pure words; As silver tried in a furnace on the earth, refined seven times.
- Psa 12:5-6 NASB

to have a God who even knows the longing of my heart and to then fulfill that?
THAT is unconditional love and stability.

sincere truth from the very lips of my God.
THAT is peace!

Among the Dents and Scrapes...

2011-12-31T20:31:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning my mind returned to where I was when we ushered in 2011. Very precisely we were pulling out of a gas station somewhere close to Jacksonville, FL on our way to Savannah, GA on the back of my husband's motorcycle. Not particularly the warmest place at the time but I was happy. And that's saying something...

My husband started this tradition (that he hasn't necessarily carried on) that we had to pick a "theme song" each year and it HAD to be the first song we heard just after midnight into the new year. Well, the song I chose for this past year was "Angel" by Jack Johnson which is rather ironic b/c these particular lyrics became quite poignant AND true- more than I had intended. Particularly the part that says, "You gotta be careful when you got good love 'cause an angel's will just keep on multiplying".

...We are now expecting our first child in less than a week, ha.

I didn't quite believe life could get to be any more of a roller coaster but that is EXACTLY what this year has been- in EVERY single way. Maybe it was just the hormones but I have a hunch that was the least of it. In any case, we were laughing the other morning, sitting on our front porch, that the condition of our vehicle described precisely what 2011 has been in our lives and marriage- dented and scraped up, touched up, not necessarily pretty or coveted but still going forward and running faithfully.

Some days that is all I can really know to hope for but honestly

others I mourn that we lose who we are so very often.

This reminds me of the passage in Ecclesiastes that talks about "Seasons"- that there is one for everything. Isn't THAT the truth?

After (well, ok, maybe I'm just in the middle of) this season, I can wholeheartedly say I've never been a better person- which if you've been in a place like this you understand that does NOT mean life has been all glitter and roses. However, I"m reminded all the time that even in nature and creation we see that only through difficulty and hardship comes purity and newness.
And a very blatant theme of the past year for me has been GRACE in the midst of just that.

Time and time again I was faced with whether I would decide to give it away or keep it for myself. In the most harsh of circumstances. The one truth that I could never quite shake is how much grace GOD has given ME- every day of my life. And perhaps my one purpose in this life is to share that same grace- it's up to me to accept that purpose or reject it with every chance I'm given. I'm sure there have been times I have failed to make the right choice, or in the least failed to display it like I ought to, but as very hard as it was those first few times, now it is second nature. This is in and of itself by God's grace because I am very much by nature a stubborn person with a very keen sense of justice- which now that I think about it, remember my parents verbalizing at my high school graduation that they prayed God would use for His glory at some point in my life. I think that prayer has been answered, Mom and Dad. For only NOW has my sense of justice been refracted by God's perspective... and THAT is a powerful thing. Perhaps that has been the ONLY point. I'll never know this side of heaven but what matters is being OK with that.

Anyways, we did a LOT this year. OK, I guess that isn't too out of the ordinary. Maybe just with all the drama along the way it seemed like a lot more than normal. In a nutshell, it's been a year of drastic moves, drastic changes, drastic revelations, drastic decisions, drastic insecurities, and drastic discernment.

Perhaps that's why I'm sitting here at home on New Years Eve, typing on the computer at 10:30p without any plans and only the bed waiting for me- probably before midnight because, why not- and this seems perfectly appropriate.

After all, it is in the quiet moments, when it is just me and you in the very rawness of who we are- singularly and cohesively- that life breathes on exactly as it should. Only then. I can only hope that when you look back on this year that you can see all I really wanted was to be your Angel...

there's no telling what this next year will bring- most likely some excruciating heartache as well as exuberant joys as life is celebrated on both ends- but I am ever more confident in the Lord's providence and sovereignty through all Seasons and look forward to the new area of life He has planned to chip away at through the realities 2012 will bring...

BRING IT ON!

YOUR choices~

2011-11-16T21:08:00.001-08:00

the hours of the night grow shorter once again...

and i cannot shake the vengeance of being blamed

for exaggerated crimes i have not even committed.

over and over and over...

am i truly to just sit here and take it? blow by blow?

(i didn't sign up for this)

at some point you have to realize

and accept what YOU have done...

and yet i'm here.

and i take it.

and i won't go anywhere.

and i KNOW one day all these sins will be atoned for.

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS??

where has LIFE gone?

how has the could've, would've, what if been allowed to steal the very breath you breathe?

erase the very memory of what was good and pure from your recollection?

how could you forget all that we had?

(and remember EVERYTHING BUT US??!!?!)

the only words or thoughts that have power are those that you allow to take root and fester and grow.

is life really all that comfortable now?

("For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" - Mat 16:25-26 KJV)

i do think we are MEANT to be lost without our
Creator.

(once you taste the truth you

can NEVER really deny it...

the soul knows TOO MUCH)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." - Gal 5:1 NASB

...i will NOT be held captive by your insecurities and pride and irresponsibility.

can you REALLY say He has left you without the means to take back your life?

perhaps you don't even see that you've lost it...

The complexities of what faith encompasses...

2011-10-18T19:10:00.001-07:00

Soooooo, not sure why but for some reason have been totally uninspired to write on this blog lately... can pregnancy hormones do that too???! they are so multi-faceted...

Anyways,

...here's a rather astounding truth I've been coming to terms with as of late...

I've been doing a Bible Study with about 4-5 friends each week. One that is centered around believing God:
-believing He is Who He says He is
-believing He can do what He says He can do
-believing I am who God says I am
-believing I can do what God says I can do and
-believing that God's word is active and living in me

some pretty good concepts if you ask me- they seem pretty simple but in actuality are pretty complex. I've been mulling over #2 specifically

~believing He can do what He says He can do~

this one in particular because I've come to realize that in order to believe this of God i must ALSO believe that just because he chooses NOT to do something in my life does not mean it's time for me to work on fixing it.

this certain point has made me realize that in the past when God has chosen not to do something i've asked Him for, then i tend to try and take over the steering wheel again- instead of accepting and CONTINUING to trust even when He does not work miracles.

this past week's study was particularly encouraging as it touched on examples of lives of people in the Bible that had to learn this same lesson. a couple examples:

1. John the Baptist- this one really blew me away b/c i don't remember him being at a point when he doubted what God was doing or Who he was- after all, he is the one who proclaimed

"Behold the Lamb of God Who takes away the sins of the world."

YET
when he found himself in prison he couldn't help but reevaluate his beliefs about God. Hmmmm.....

2. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego- you know, the three guys who found themselves in the fiery furnace because they refused to worship an idol like the King commanded? yeah... ASTOUNDING faith. again, never really noticed this part of their story
BUT
when they were told what would happen to them if they refused to bow before the idol they responded,

"our God whom we serve is ABLE to deliver us from the furnace...

BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT

let it be known to you, O king, that WE ARE NOT going to serve your gods or worship that which you have set up."

THAT is the kind of faith and fortitude i want to exhibit in my life!

WOW.

and then last night i was re-reading a chapter out of Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist again... and in the process was reminded of why her writing speaks so deeply to my soul...

"I believe that God is making all things new. I believe that Christ overcame death and that pattern is apparent all through life and history... I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom...

But for a long season, I forgot all those things...

I realized all at once... that the story I was telling was the wrong one- or at the very least, an incomplete one... Looking back now I can see that it was more than anything a failure to BELIEVE in the story of who God is and what He is doing in this world... Instead of living that story I began to live a much smaller story, and that story was only about me. I wanted an answer, a timeline, and a map. I didn't want to have to TRUST God or anything I couldn't see. I didn't want to wait or follow... even when I sat in church and begged for God to direct my life, those things didn't have a chance to transform me, because under those actions and intentions was a rocky layer of faithlessness, fear, and selfishness."

I prayed to be rescued, not redeemed. I prayed for it to get easier, not that I would be shaped in significant ways. I prayed for the waiting to be over, instead of trying to learn something about patience or anything else for that matter.

I couldn't make peace with uncertainty- but there's nothing in the biblical narrative that tells us certainty is part of the deal..."

...in the very least it was a good reminder to me of what a healthy focus is for me right now. over the past couple months my prayers have consistently been for redemption, reclaiming. the Enemy is so very persistent but i have NO doubt my God is orchestrating His own battle... it's just the waiting, the putting up with, the tolerating... living within a wasteland of souls that weighs me down so that i forget that MY story is ALREADY one of redemption and life, growth and abundance!

as nervous as i am, i can not WAIT to hold this little one in my arms...

a new promise, a new blessing, a gift of grace.

redemption.

it's all around...

the consequences of life change

2011-09-01T17:43:00.001-07:00

i know, i know. it's been an ETERNITY.

it's been somewhat of an intentional hiatus as i found myself pregnant about 5 months ago and at that point wasn't at liberty to reveal what was really going on...

then there was the greatest storm of my life that has finally died down after 3 or 4 months but zapped EVERY part of my being that i wasn't already giving away...
perhaps in time bits and pieces will come out but

~FOR NOW~

it's time to come back and find TRANSPARENCY again.

so at this point, i am 22 weeks pregnant. i have been loving every- ok, MOST- minutes of it... until this week.

i knew the day would come when i would 'pop' but it's rather disconcerting. at this point it feels a lot more like a 'beer belly' and that i've simply gone on a 2 week binge- scary. one thing that always helped me 'measure' myself was by the way my clothes fit. well, let's just say that a consistent 8weeks of that changing constantly has gotten me a little tipsy turvy in the department of being ok with ME.

i have to say, it did surprise me a bit that it hasn't hit me 'til the past couple weeks but at the same time it has me surprised in every way. ugh.

i suppose at this point this all probably has a lot to do with no longer working as of 2 weeks ago.

i've been staying busy just fine and so i thought i WAS fine, but it wouldn't surprise me if this has a lot more to do with finding worth in myself as a WIFE and MOTHER. imagine that.

i should've known this would come up.

i've had a job since i was 14- HALF MY LIFE!!

and now THAT is not any part of my identity.

now, i am TRULY stripped! AHHHH! darn.

how does an overachiever measure worth

when there is nothing to measure it by?!

yikes.

maybe this is where i start trusting in what God says instead of what i can deduce about myself? double yikes.

but, honestly, when it really comes down to it, the pregnant body IS AMAZING! and who created and formed and ordered such a life process??! the very ONE who says i AM full of worth. maybe i need to see this whole mothering thing a lot more differently...

maybe the things i want to attain in this stage of life are wholly and completely unattainable.

what's more, maybe all those things are wholly and completely WORTHLESS.

how could i have forgotten?!

...anyways, i'd already scheduled another 'image board' making day with a friend tomorrow but i have a hunch it will simply bring me back to who i am organically as God created me to be.

it will remind me of all the thing God has created me to do and will show me all the things i am doing that are worthless and are 'grasping for the wind'.

my heart is open and i'm excited to see what i'll find...

need v. want

2011-04-27T18:53:00.001-07:00

so i've been a little absent from my blog since last post for a few different reasons...

first, right after i'd posted i was getting back into working out a little i was in a car accident and so now am not working out at all AGAIN.

secondly, i'm maybe enjoying life a little too much, well that's good. ha

thirdly, not being able to work out is forcing me to be even more creative in being active and also is making me focus on more and work through my relationship with food. time-consuming but good. really good.

which brings me to my point- sometimes what we want in life is not what we need.

ie: food. i've been trying to live by the standard of eating however much of whatever i want when i'm actually hungry. but i've always questioned, ok, that's all well and good but how exactly does that fit in with my pre-diabetic condition? and what i've realized that i missed part of the point... the point of separation between body/mind and emotion. see, my relationship with food has been largely based on emotion, but actually taking the time to feel hunger cues and to then hone in with my mind into what my body actually wants as opposed to my emotions is a whole new thing. having a pre-diabetic condition, my body is not really going to be wanting those kinds of food that make it sick. amazing... i guess in the past i have viewed my body as one with my emotions and therefore could not trust it. now i know different. my body DOES know what it wants- if i let them, my emotions are simply what confuses it.

this subject matter is all very comical given i just now remembered that my husband used to tell me when we were just friends,

"i won't give you what you want but i'll give you what you need".

not that that is humanly comprehensible by another human, but funny all the same.

anyways, a thought i had last night, which is completely opposite of above point-
"i don't need you, but i want you".

and it's true. no one necessarily needs any one person yet we end up with someone whom we are forever inclined to choose to want whether or not we feel like we need to. and aren't i vindicated when i make that right choice to want time and time again when i don't really feel like it? hmmmm, think again...

although it was rather freeing to have that thought and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that that is exactly how marriage was intended to be. have you heard that statement somewhere else??????!!!

how about the Bible?
not word for word, yet that is the whole message of it. God does NOT need us yet He elects time and time again to want us, to want to be a part of our lives and to be loved back. He, of His own volition, created human beings who He KNEW would defy Him yet He invested His whole being into us b/c He chose to WANT us. to have communion.

so why am i surprised that this profound realization ended up in my head?? i shouldn't be. marriage is a complete reflection of God's love for us, of His continued yearning, continued pursuit, continual sacrifice. this story has been around for AGES.

yep, i end up pretty humble when i compare myself to HIS example as opposed to those of other humans. bummer. guess i'm not so special after all... no super human powers, no super human graces, simply the story of God living and breathing in this body. yes, THAT is communion.

and how appropriate this week of Easter... truly, it was a scandalous night.
not another like it in all of history.