Fast-forward a decade or so and I’m still noticing parts of me that seem that my psyche seems to be clinging to under that same erroneous logic of perceived self-preservation. The varying degrees of ignorance of self, and convoluted coping mechanism runs deep. My frail humanity is still very much in charge. Fortunately, what comes to mind now is less shameful self-talk and a deep identification with the notion of making my Recovery a life’s-work project. The mountain Everest-sized emotional blocks I got through earlier in sobriety are now things I can face with relative ease in comparison on a regular basis. I don’t think my skin has got thicker by any means, but I do believe my ability to regulate emotions and perceive with more clarity and less heated distracting and self-righteous emotions has definitely got better. It is in the stillness I can see what steps can be taken to alleviate problems that were once deemed insurmountable. But, I don’t do this alone. I have a group of well-trained emotional mechanics on standby that willingly guide me with routine tune-ups. They have acquired tools and shortcuts along their own path that lead me to a solution significantly faster than if I try to self-diagnosis and repair.

The price tag for some of these tools is frustratingly high, and must always be earned. No one is entitled to the tools, and the price must always be paid. The good news is that the currency in which these tools are purchased is time and willingness.

Mathew 7:7

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I can keep up with the best of them when it comes to navel-gazing, to a fault, I’ll admit. This almost childlike self-centered obsession and involvement with self is something most people tend to grow out of once they enter into adulthood, but I think I was absent from class when the teacher was passing on this wisdom. I have remained on a broken record cycle of self that ruminates through my mind into a place of deep suffering, and little else. I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I’ve found some solace in the practice of meditation.

After years of intellectual stimulation through higher education, religious practice, and self-help analysis, my mind has become hardwired for introspection. While the adage of “an unexamined life is not worth living”, sometimes it leaves you far too separate and isolated from the masses, and this disconnect creates far too much space for the devil to exercise in my mental garden, dancing through the blindspots of my mind as I narrow in on my neurosis and life’s nuances.

If I have learned anything from my many years of 12-step recovery, it’s that I relish serenity. It is a luxurious commodity that is ranked so highly on my priorities list in life. It does not come naturally or easily for me. For most of my life, I have been directed by a core belief that the world around me is very unsafe and I should always be on the lookout. While this is surely a result of trauma, it still seems to influence my decision-making more often than not. It’s a sad acknowledgment of self, but it is the truth.

When the mind is choking me off from life in rumination, my only refuge sometimes is the small amount of space I can experience while laying down on my mat and dipping into the gap so to speak. Meditation is a lifeline resource for me. Very few things have worked for me over the years, but meditation remains steadfast in its efficacy. While it is a time-consuming, and evolving process that must be nurtured, I can now say I’m totally sold on the benefits. For someone who has never practiced meditation, please consider that I have pushed and pulled and struggled deeply with my practice for about four years now. It has not been easy.

I can now more regularly than not get through a meditation that is approximately an hour in length. When I started to dip my toes into the practice I began with two minutes, and almost doubted people who claimed they could meditate for an hour or more. I sat in total disbelief because it seemed impossible to me and my mind was shut off to the idea that I too could learn and change. There isn’t really anything mistic or special about getting to a place where I too could meditate for an hour, except for hours upon hours of practice. It is grueling when I think about how much energy and time I have invested into something that rewards me with emptiness, but to me, it is the sweetest nectar.

How would the ordinary person experience this emptiness?

It actually might be terrifying. It might even be like someone has pulled the rug out from under you. Not exactly a pleasant experience. There is a big misconception when people think about emptiness and spaciousness when they hear about meditation. People probably think it is blissful and they will be joyful, but it is more like coming home, and when the door closes behind you nobody is home and you can’t see a damn thing. You could experience a feeling of loss in this spaciousness, not to mention fundamental panic. It’s so foreign and obscure.

I remember about a year into my journey with meditation, I came up against tremendous fear and panic. I think even one time I was brought to tears because it was a scary experience to go into this unknown territory. It’s so personal and I wish I’d had a teacher with me to guide me and help me digest what took place for me every time I took the time to sit. I really did need that reassurance and encouragement to go deeper.

This may be a tough read for some of you, and maybe even a deterrent for others, but let me leave you with a taste of the nectar that I was talking about, because it could be something that you too are struggling with revolving around death. For the first time in my life, I’m almost at the point of making friends with death due to the curiosity of was lays beyond this life. Even writing that out discombobulates my mind, but when you get deep into the gap you want more and more of it. The tangible life around you when you’re not meditating can seem trivial compared to the vibrance experienced in deep meditation. That too was hard for me to read over as I wrote it, because I feel disingenuous since I’m not that rob wearing guru sitting in contemplation high in the mountains, nor do I feel any desire of going to Tibet. I still very much feel like a newbie when it comes to meditation, but it is nonetheless my truth on the matter.

Let me act as a cheerleader of encouragement for you in your own practice, or as you begin your investigation into meditation. I can’t promise it will bring you the joy and peace you might be seeking, but I will sit with excitement on the vast possibilities of revelation that may come to you.

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Many of you have probably grown bored of reading my posts about my journey with sobriety over the years, so I thought it might be nice for you to hear another individual’s experience. Sober living is not easy, nor is it linear. I need as much experience, strength, and hope I can get my hands on days when the sky seems to be falling and there is no mental/spiritual light on the horizon.

Thanks for your honesty today Van. I’m sure many others, including myself, relate and benefit from your vulnerability.

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This co-founder of the highly successful venture capital firm, Initialized Capital, didn’t always believe that he was destined for success in tech. After graduating from Stanford it became quite apparent that breaking into Silicon Valley wasn’t to be an easy feat, and he temporarily thought he would have to fall back into a career of photography to pay his way through life. Fortunately for him, things took a huge turn, and today he is recognized as a giant in the tech world.

It wasn’t his ivy league degree that eventually got his career off the ground, but a positive attitude and a giving heart that finally swung the golden doors of opportunity open. In this short video, Garry breaks down the value of giving and how it can greatly benefit your own life.

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If these words have slipped through your mouth from time to time, you might consider looking at the problem with a fresh set of eyes. Take some time to imagine God as a radio station that you tune into. Some days you wake up and turn on the radio receiver and we pick up the station loud and clear, and on other days all we seem to pick up is static, or better yet, the dial has moved to an entirely different station.

The transmission of God from his tower is constant, and it’s the receiver’s job to pick up the message and translate the radio waves into the sweet tunes we can enjoy from the moment we wake up until we rest our head on the pillow at night.

What I’ve come to believe is that all humans are created with a built-in receiver, and the ability to tune into God from birth. We like to pretend that seeking God primarily allotted to those who lead spiritual bodies in prayer and worship. This my friends is a lie.

It has also been revealed to me that while the transmission of God’s communicative waves are constant, I most certainly am not, and herein lies the problem and disconnect. One day I can see the power and wonder of life and the hand of God moving through things, and it is awe-inspiring. I go to bed with a full heart and then when I awaken the following day I can wake up feeling isolated, alone, and totally forsaken. What changed?

Was it what I ate the night before that changed the dial on the receiver? Was it the dreams I had? What about that I forgot to start my day in meditation and prayer?

God only knows.

Due to the many-layered variable factors that are at play when it comes to our human experience, I’ve found it best to forget about pissing away my valuable life-force energy on the problem and simply start dialing myself back in.

Here are some of the hang-ups that seem to regularly get in the way and disconnect me from God:

Lack of trust

Need for control

Pride or false pride

Not enough sleep

Harbouring resentments

An unforgiving heart

A focus on selfish motives and a desire to play God, or at least a demi-god.

It is easy to linger in this place of self-pity and insecurity when we feel distant from God, but that doesn’t change a damn thing. Why not use our magical magnifying minds to narrow in on the solution instead? The quicker we take action, the sooner we can be back in harmony with that wonder frequency of connection that truly takes precedent in life.

I think there is a reason why it is written in the Psalms that King David meditated on the Lord day and night, that Muslims pray five times a day and that people following Judaism are told to pray three times a day. I think the problem revolves around our insidious self-will that takes our eyes off the prize. We ruminate on our-self and how we can protect and better ourselves instead of focusing on the provider and creator of all things. We want to be demi-gods and to run the show, for we think we know better, and admitting defeat and surrender is often too big of a pill for our fragile egos to swallow.

So to defeat and rebuke this devil on our shoulders we discipline ourselves to return back to righteous thinking and behaviors. We do it multiple times a day if that is what it takes to bring ourselves back in-tune with God. And, in doing so, we somehow experience peace and an appreciation for life with much more ease.

While discipline doesn’t seem to be the easier softer way in life, I sure have found it to be far more rewarding than the alternative.

What will you choose?

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