Growth and Gratitude

What to do Instead of Making a New Years Resolution

2019-01-26T17:30:00.004-05:00

“What will I do for the New Year?”

Photo from user-goldscreens, Tumblr

It’s the first thing we think of when the clock strikes twelve. We make vision-boards, join memberships, and start journals, all with the purpose of making up for our shortcomings the previous year. While it feels great to set New Year’s Resolutions (NYRs), they don’t work. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. You just ended a year you were ready to be over. Maybe it was too stressful or unrewarding. The goals you had in mind weren’t accomplished. You want change, need change and want to see results. So, you do what you do every year. You make a grand declaration to yourself and the world on the “growth” you’re going to make this year. Fast forward to Spring and it’s as though the challenge was never made.

Let’s look at the facts:

An average of 80% of New Year’s Resolutions fail by February
About 10% of people achieve their New Year’s Resolution
Most NYRs are made BEFORE January 1st
Most common NYRs: Saving Money, Exercising, Losing/Gaining Weight
I’ve set several New Year’s Resolutions in the past and failed every single one of them.

I think it comes down to what the Resolution is, why people set them, and what they’re willing to do to see them through. For this, I choose to call the goals I have this year, Solutions. Yes, they basically mean the same thing. But if you think about it, what needs to be solved to why the goals at hand aren’t being achieved appropriately.

So, why do NYRs fail (and how to change that)?

Reason 1 — Choosing the Wrong Resolution

New Year’s Resolutions are a tradition. With that, comes the pressure to make one. This can lead to us making resolutions that sound good but are destined to fail simply because they don’t interest us.

Resolution: You decided to read more books this year, knowing you don’t enjoy to read.

Why put yourself through the hassle?

Solution: Instead, pick something more practical such as resolving to not call out of work or be more patient. Have you been complaining about your clutter? Make your NYR to clean and organize the space, then you can set goals to maintain that space for the rest of the year.

“Finding something worth a genuine commitment takes time but also understanding what it is you really need to change.”

Reason 2 — Lack of Proper Planning

Too often, we make resolutions without understanding all the work they will require of us.

Resolution: You joined a gym to lose 30 pounds this year. Good for you! However, what days will you go? Will you go in the morning or at night? What’s your workout regimen? More importantly, what will you do outside of the gym? Will your diet change? Will you walk more?

“If you’re still practicing an unhealthy lifestyle, you can’t expect yourself to meet a healthy expectation.”

Solution: Come up with a realistic plan for achieving your goals. The organization will put you in control of your actions and thus, your success.

Reason 3 — Lack of Self-Discipline

This is the most common reason why NYRs fail.

“When it comes to change, consistency is the what brings results.”

In our culture of quick fixes and immediate gratification, remaining steadfast in our New Years Resolutions can be a hard thing to come by. Bring those goals into the mix with our already stressful, busy lives, and they can cease to exist after a few weeks. In order to get what you want out of anything, you have to be able to hold yourself accountable for the actions you take that either help or harm you. Newton’s third law of motion tells us every action you make will result in a similar reaction ( i.e. karma).

Resolution: You decided to run a 5K this year. You’ve started your training plan and eating healthier. But after the first 2 months, life catches back up to you and you fall back. You run less, crack open one too many cases of Oreos. Before you know it, you’ve decided the 5K just isn’t for you anymore. It can be, but you have to decide that.

“No one will ever be able to motivate you and keep you motivated the way you can.”

Solution: Set milestones for yourself. Once you’ve reached a certain achievement, reward yourself in a way that aligns with your goals (i.e. I’m pescatarian, so I get kombucha as a treat to myself sometimes). When it gets hard, find inspiration to keep you going. Whether that means playing a game, listening to motivational speakers, or practicing self-care, you are in control, but you have to act like it.

Conclusion

So much good can be done this year. But that requires DAILY action and sacrifice. The same way you brush your teeth every morning (I hope), is how you should practice mindfulness when it comes to your goals. Making New Years Resolutions don’t necessarily demand that. Creating significant Solutions towards your character do.

“Different mindset, greater change.”

Why I Won't Make A New Year's Resolution

2019-01-02T23:17:00.001-05:00

You never understand the meaning of restraint, until you have to practice it. You never understand the point of patience until God makes you wait. You never how strong you are until you get challenged and win. This was 2018 for me.

The beginning of the year was stressful but exciting. I was starting a new phase in adulthood. My boyfriend and I decided to take our relationship to next level. We had just moved into a new home. It was a big time of change and growth for us and myself. Shortly after, decisions were made and I wanted to find a passion to transform into a career. That passion eventually lead to me moving away to chase a dream. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t without planning. I considered my motivation for leaving as an investment for the future-our future. I took a huge gamble, and I lost. I learned from that mistake the hard way, but with that, I came to pay for every bad decision I’ve made this year. The experience made me have to really look at myself. And honestly, I was embarrassed. I wanted more for myself… I deserved more.

I am demanding more from myself because my life now demands it. I have made so many amazing strides this year based solely on effort. My willingness to be bold was the most impactful. That one decision to put myself out there has trickled into a web of opportunities. I am excited for myself. Understanding why that all happened and where that side of me came from keeps me grounded and aware. That stability is healthy for me.

So, I decided not to make resolutions this year. They don’t work. Science has proved it. Instead, I brought in the new year with action and intention:

I have my goals in line
I have my list of habits I’m doing
I have my methods of self-care
I have my support systems in place for when I struggle or fall short.
I even spent the countdown playing Scrabble to enhance my writing. (Btdubs, ya girl is a Boss at Scrabble.)

My goal this year isn’t to make false promises. I won’t be okay with being mediocre. I won’t be satisfied with being a just “nice” person. I will be more open and understanding. I will continue to look at my flaws and shortcomings and CHOOSE to be better. I will make an effort every day to be the amazing person I already feel I am. It’s only up from here for me. So, fuck resolutions! Gandi said, “Be the change YOU wish to see in the world”. You have the ability to choose what impact you want in your life. You control the energy around you. So, make the choice! Be positive. Be kind. Be productive. Be self-aware. That’s why I took a hiatus during the Christmas holiday. No social media. No posting. No planning. No work. Life was happening and I needed to handle it. I understood I couldn’t have a good work-life if my general wellbeing was in turmoil. I buckled down and handled my business. I’m happy for it and now ready to face the world.

I feel like me again. So, bring it on 2019! I’m ready for you!

What To Do When His Words Hurt (Like Sticks and Stones)

2018-12-12T21:32:00.001-05:00

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

We have probably all heard this line from our parents one way or another. Maybe a kid called you stupid. Maybe your sibling called you a name. They told us this with good intentions, but a flawed rationale. All in the hopes of thick skin.

By default, physical wounds are simple to heal. They usually come with a pre-established guidebook of therapies, tinctures, and remedies. However, emotional and psychological wounds don’t get that privilege. They stick with you far beyond the moment they’re spoken.

Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash

As a woman that has had her share of emotional, physical and sexual trauma, I can say I’ve struggled more with the ramifications of the first, than the others. It’s not the scars or flashbacks I remember on bad days. It’s the words.

“You’re worthless”

“You’re a loser”

“You’re ugly”

“You’re useless”

“You’re disposable”

They ring in my ears like cymbals. TING. TING. TING. TING. And I’d give anything to make it stop. Even if it means believing them because it’s the easiest to do. And that’s the problem. It’s so easy to believe those words after a while. We get engulfed in them, as though they are the only truthful things about us. They break down our confidence and sense of identity. Only to be left with a person you no longer recognize.

But I promise I understand why you stay. You hope the day will come when your humanity is remembered. You hope their heart will feel like yours, warm and full of light and purpose. So, you wait. And with each tear, each disappointment, and each insult, you blame yourself for the decision you made. You blame yourself for the position they say you played in why they called you a BITCH. And you accept it. You try to do what they said you should. You stay quiet. You “behave”, but the pattern continues. Never good enough you will be.

That’s the thing, they won’t remember. They never may and that’s not your problem. The person that hurt you, can’t save you. But you can. Words do hurt but they don’t have to. You are bigger than those words. You are more than someone else’s opinion of you. The words they’re telling you don’t have to have power over you. Especially since they aren’t for you, they are for them. They are saying them to solve their pain and hurt. I don’t say this to take pity on them. I say these to hold them accountable. We all get upset, frustrated and angry. But never, under any circumstance, should that validate someone’s need to degrade, intimidate, threaten, or disrespect a fellow human being. There is no excuse, and excuses shouldn’t be made. Don’t waste your beautiful soul on someone so cruel. You are worth so much more. Never forget your power. But if you do, remember to read this. I will remind you.