Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething

Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Myself?

2015-02-05T19:12:00.000-05:00

In just 3 days I will be turning 34. It's not really a significant number. You don't get any new benefits like a super special drivers license, nothing magical happens, your penis doesn't grow an extra 3 inches (unless maybe it does, I'll let you know) and it should be an all around forgettable birthday in the timeline of a human being unless they died when they were 33. As far as I can recollect, I've never tripped out about a birthday before but dammit this was not how I envisioned myself approaching this completely random age. If one would've asked me at 32 approaching 33 what I would've expected to find at 34 I probably would've answered, "I don't know. Probably something really damn close to what I'm doing now. What kind of stupid question is that?" I would've been wrong of course and naive. Life changes quicker than Katy Perry changes costumes at the Halftime Show and much like her changes, it isn't always pretty.

I cannot change all that has happened here recently. There is no magical DeLorean to take me back,

Just in case you didn't
get the reference

Bill and Ted's Phone Booth is non-existent, and I'm sure if we had time travel anyway that we would quickly fuck it up. So what's left to do? Well, at 33 years old I can honestly say that I have no clue of who I am. How's that for an admission? No idea!! I know of things that I like and that I'm into, sure, but as a conscious human being breathing air and inhabiting this planet and using resources? Nope. So I'm going to make 2015 and the year celebrating my 34 year residency to try to find myself. I know that sounds so hippie dippie, blah, blah, new age, cliche bullshit but it's what I'm going to do. I'm not even sure where to start and that's kind of why I'm writing this. I'm hoping that my friends and readers can give me some suggestions. I've certainly had plenty of people telling me lately that I need to and that I'm not the same person that I used to be. So I want to find either the person that I was that a lot of people seemed to like or find the person that I am. Perhaps they are the same or maybe they're vastly different, I don't know. Remember, I'm lost?

I've heard exes and friends say that they "need to find themselves" for years but I had never really

Could these be the answer?

given it much thought. I just agreed because I thought it sounded good. Now I find myself in this predicament and I don't have an idea of what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to explore different religions? Do I go to a psychiatrist and get put on mood altering drugs and anti-depressants? Am I supposed to take a heroic dose of psilocybin magical mushrooms? Am I supposed to walk around with a ponderous look upon my face and occasionally scratch my chin in wonderment? I don't know. Those all sound like plausible ideas but I'm really not sure. My problem has always been that (and yes, I'm bragging a little here) I'm awesome at giving solid advice to others but I'm shit in my own life. Seriously, I've never steered anyone wrong when they've asked me for advice. I always think through their problem analytically and logically and tell them what I truly believe is best. It's one of the aforementioned things that I know that I love to do. But perhaps I've been too proud in the past to ask people for advice or maybe (definitely) too blind to see my own problems. So here I am friends, I'm asking for help. How have you dealt with personal tragedy? How did you find yourself? What did you do to get to your own level of accepted happiness?

Seriously I want to know because here's another admission that some people already know, but I do not love myself at all. I kind of hate me. I like life and seeing all the cool things going on but I just kind of wish that I was another person. I've heard this statement repeatedly too, "You've got to love yourself". Okay, duly noted now explain how that happens. I guess loving yourself and finding yourself are kind of the same thing, right? I'm not sure because I've heard both so much lately. But what if you find yourself and you turn out to be a huge asshole? I'm a huge fan of psychology and have casually studied it for years, which makes me really inquisitive and generally over-analyze things. Maybe that's what I'm doing now, but anyway if you want to be a good soul you can either comment below with suggestions, or you can comment on the Facebook page, or you can message me. I don't care, if nothing else, this can at least be a neat little social experiment where I get all kinds of useful stuff.

Is There Really Someone Out There For Everyone?

2015-02-04T22:03:00.001-05:00

A favorite quote by Chuck Palahniuk

I've always sort of believed that there is someone out there for everyone. We've all heard that, right? Every time a person goes through a shitty breakup, we tell them this sad, worn-out cliche. Whether it be, "Oh, you and that chick you've been seeing for a week didn't work out? Don't worry, there's someone out there for everyone" or "Damn, you're going through a divorce after 8 years of marriage? Don't worry, there's someone out there for everyone." It's all the same either way. But one wonders, "Is there really?" Well, recently I've found myself pondering over this conundrum because I belong in the latter category above. When you get married, you kind of figure that "Yep, this is the one. I can mark that shit off my list." You can put your new significant other in a nice neat compartmentalized box checked "The One". You don't really worry about it from that point on...until you have to. When everything falls apart and you've found yourself going to two different therapists, resisting the urge to dull your pain with a bottle of pills, going back and forth with your wife, trying not to drive your car over a bridge, not seeing your kids and living with your grandparents in their basement, you tend to do some self and external evaluations.

Considering the previous sentence that I wrote, I probably shouldn't even be pondering the trivial question of "Is there really someone for everyone?"perhaps I should be asking myself, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" or saying something like, "Dude, you should get it together," (rest assured that I am pondering those ideas as well but I'm just not writing about that at this moment). So after much thought, I've concocted a theory. It's not very comforting but I'm like 99% sure that it's true. Here it is: There are several somebodies for everybody, it's just a matter of timing. Mind blown? Probably not, but allow me to expound on this idea. On a planet that has a population of around 7 billion and counting, it's ludicrous to think that there is one single person out there for you. Do you have any idea how amazingly hard that would be to find that person? And what would be the chances that they are in your proximal location? Let's just say that you don't want to go worldwide, that you just want to find a mate in the good ol' U.S.of A. Well, good luck on that one too. We've got 324,109,897 people on our patch of dirt right at this moment. If there is only one person out there for you, it seems like you'd spend your entire life searching for them and would die before it actually happened. My theory is sounding better already, huh? So lets just throw out a completely unscientific number of 100 possible people for every person. Your chances just got a lot better, didn't they? (It still statistically sucks but I don't want to do math) Surely you can run into a few of these people as you stumble through life but here is where my theory sucks an entire bag of syphilis infected genitals...it's all about timing.

I have seen numerous couples and friends through the years who seemed perfect for each other crash violently into a fiery pit of break-ups and divorce. I'm sure a few of you who are reading this now have went through this. Here is a truly hypothetical example: You meet a beautiful girl who has every quality you want. She's attentive, she's funny but not funnier than you, she likes to cook, she's independent, she seems like a manageable level of crazy, and she smells pretty. Everything checks off on your internal list that we all keep secretly locked in our brain. One little thing though, she's right in her second year of law school. You start dating anyway. Things start out well, because you two are a new couple and all new couples are sexed up and gross but as time progresses she has less and less time for you. She's having to cram for exams, she's bitchy from lack of sleep, she can't see you because of the big mock trial final. You start to grow resentful that she has no time for you, you start bitching at her, she resents you for bitching at her, and before you know it...BAM, you're done. You've broken up and hate each other and you think that you've lost your "One". You wallow in self doubt and loathing and question yourself for a month but in reality, perhaps it's neither of your faults. What if you would've met after she graduated? Or what if you already had an established, healthy relationship before she went off to law school? Who knows? She very well could've been the one for you, but your timing was just for shit. You missed out on a great thing but you can't fully blame yourself. Sure you can blame yourself for being a petty little bitch when she was busy but you can equally blame her for being bitchy in the first place. (If you can't tell, I'm trying to be really fair here because I realize that a lot of women read my blog.) It's all about timing, man!!!

Timing is completely unscientific as well. How are you supposed to know when it's right? I could lie to you and say, "You just feel it, and it feels right, man." But that would be bullshit. Every time that we fall in love of course it feels right or we wouldn't fall in love in the first place. The truth is that there is no way to know if the time is right until it's hindsight. I would love to be able to say that men, who are known for our knowledge and infinite wisdom, should know but the truth is we are just as dumb as women when it comes to knowing. Both sexes are equally blinded when in love. You both overlook all the glaring faults in timing and just rush into it. You don't see it until it's either too late or far too often when it's over. That's where I'm finding myself right now. I truly believed in my life that two different women were my one, one being my estranged wife. I really do, despite all the fuckery that has occurred in the last 6 months which I will not discuss. We were made for each other in so many places and she met almost all of my secret internal check points but upon examination we met at the wrong time. Perhaps one day I'll discuss it on here why it was the wrong time but as of right now some time needs to pass first. The point is our timing was off. I can't fully blame myself and I can't fully blame her. I admit and accept my faults and wrongs and I assume she does too. Okay, so that was a bit of a drag. Let's get back to it and summarize this bitch.

I could sit here and list a bunch of possible warning signs that your timing might be off with a person but that would be far too general. What is bad timing for one couple could be perfect for another. Some guys would look at a woman who had just got out of an abusive relationship as a warning sign but others might thrive in the same situation. Some women may look at a single guy with kids as a big no-no, but others might think it's great. We never know. I'm sorry that I can't offer you comfort in knowing the exact time but you should know yourself well enough to look at a situation rationally. However, I can offer to all the other fellow sad sacks right now that you shouldn't give up hope because statistically speaking there are a ton of other perfect people for you out there.

A Really Long Blog About The Fun of Getting Through It

2014-09-03T19:06:00.000-04:00

Since Thursday August 28th 2014 at 3:31 I've been in a constant whirlwind of self-doubt, self-loathing, anger, and immense emotional pain. It makes for the perfect cocktail of depression. It's just like adding Kahlua, some milk, and Vodka to make the perfect White Russian. You can't put those elements together

and not come up without some semblance of these results. I have felt every single emotion in the entire broad spectrum of the emotional rainbow and oftentimes simultaneously. I think I had forgotten what it felt like to be truly depressed. I've gotten down about certain elements in my life for sure like money, extended familial dramatics, and things just simply not going my way but just like they say you never forget how to ride a bike, well you don't forget how to be depressed. However, I want to deal with it this time in a far better manner. Last time was destructive.

Several years ago, around the early 2000's, was my first bout of actual, real, tangible depression. I was living with my then girlfriend (lets call her Macy to protect the "innocent") and our fairly new child. We had met at the end of my Senior year of high school and quickly fell in love or in hindsight, lust. Macy was 3 years younger than me, she was a terrible student, and I was drawn to the fact that she was pretty open about how much she enjoyed sex, which to any 18 year old guy trumps any and all other flaws that a woman may have. I'll skip all of the rest of this horrid backstory just to get to the important part. When I was 20, we were surprised by the fact of her pregnancy although we shouldn't have been with the lack of condoms and the fact that I saw her pack of birth-control scarcely used. I knew that when I found out that I wasn't going to be one of those guys who couldn't runaway fast enough to abandon his kid and may or may not pay child support. No, I thought since I hadn't gotten myself into this that I had to do it right. As Hunter S. Thompson so famously said, "Anything worth doing is worth doing right" sure he was talking about covering a desert race gacked up on cocaine and methamphetamines while hallucinating on LSD and absorbing any and all intoxicants that a human body can handle but still it seems applicable to other facets of life too. So Macy and I decided that my college days would be put on hold and that we would move in together. We moved to Atlanta where my parents were and found our first apartment. Immediately I had delusions of us getting married and raising our child together and ultimately growing old and dying. I guess I owe that to my parents who are to this day still married. I was wholly uninitiated with the idea of parents raising a child separately. Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad.

So after living together for the better part of 6 months, my life crashed around me for the first time. Macy had been making frequent trips to TN to "see her family" and finally one night after returning from one of those trips her friend and my eventual wife, Katie, convinced Macy to come clean. There are no scarier words for a man to hear than "We need to talk" because nothing good has ever come after those words. Nothing. She told me that there was someone else, at least I think that's what she said. In my momentarily crazed mind it sounded like "Waualaea megeghta wawa hohoho buahh". I asked her to repeat it and it came out clearly this time and for good measure she also advised me that she would be packing her things that night and would be leaving with her stuff and our child the next morning. My mind snapped, I could make zero coherent speech with the exception of loud screams of "FUCK" and other assorted profanities. Profanities always have your back, they will always find a way to come flying out of your mouth whether you want them to or not. I made a lot of noise and a pathetic attempt at suicide. I cut my left arm like right in the freaking middle of it, like 4 inches away from the wrist, I guess I didn't have any real interest in dying but rather I just wanted some attention. I spent the next 4 weeks wallowing in what I consider my first real bout of depression. As I stated earlier I had the perfect cocktail except I added some extra elements to it.

Subtract the cocaine and that summed things up for me
back then

I spent those 4 weeks doing nothing but dragging myself out of bed to go to work, sitting at my desk like some emotional teenage girl, getting off of work, going to the liquor store, go home, put on some music, and drink until I passed out only to wake up to do it again the next day. None of that is an exaggeration. On my days off it was especially fun because I could be all alone with my depression instead of being around a few people to buffer it. Those days read like the famous (here I am mentioning him again) Hunter S. Thompson daily regimen without all the cocaine. Just tons of cigarettes and booze with a sprinkling of marijuana. I did do a lot of writing at that time but none of it will ever see the light of day because it doesn't deserve to. It's a rambling mess of incoherent, self-pity and longing for my lost Macy.

So I've said all of this to get to a point. My life has recently (see above date and time) gone down the proverbial shitter once again. After 10 years of being with my wife, nearly 8 of them actually married, we are separated. Now out of respect for her (whom I still love dearly so if you comment, keep that in mind) I'm not going into the gory details of the separation. I can say that collectively it's been a long line of heartache on both of our parts. We have cut a swath and had one cut with our families that looks more like a tornado running through a trailer park than a clean smooth cut. We stuck through it every time. We headed off any challenge that came our way hand in hand. We were partners in the truest since of the word. We've seen each other through so many things these past several years. The first time I had cancer, I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be by my side. Katie was there to administer medicine, clean and bandage my wound, and more importantly than anything she was there. When she has went through her 3 back surgeries, it was the same. I helped her in every way that was physically possible. We've both spent so many nights there for each other during a hospital stay or after a surgery. When she was pregnant with Asher, she had a lot of complications that brought her into multiple hospital stays. It got to the point that I would actually get dressed for work before taking her, sleep in the recliner by her side, and the nurses would wake me up in the morning for work.

I know all that sounds like we've had nothing but hardships that we've simply seen each other through but I can also reflect on all the good times (excuse me while I perhaps get a little emotional). When we married each other in December 30, 2006, I remember in our typical fashion, we were both running behind. She was having "hair problems" and I had a missing best man that showed up slightly inebriated but still showed

There it is, the big moment

up. But the part that I'll never forget for the rest of my life was when her father let go of her and she came to stand with me at the alter. She looked amazingly beautiful and when the preacher asked if I took this woman to be my wife instead of the standard requisite "I do" I confidently said, "ABSOLUTELY". I'll never forget our trip to Los Angeles a couple of years ago when we went to the Comedy Store. She wasn't all that keen on going and at one point after being there for an hour she wanted to leave but as we were walking out I ran into a guy at the time I had only heard on podcasts and was a big fan of, Sam Tripoli. The rest of the night is legendary from that point. Sam introduced Katie to his girlfriend and we all spent the rest of the night watching comedy and laughing. At one point in that night, Katie had went to the restroom and as she was coming out she ran into a nice, handsome guy who seemed to be waiting on something. She asked "So are you a comedian or something?" and he looked at her, probably dumbfounded, and sarcastically said, "No, I'm just the help" and walked off. Katie came back to the table and said she ran into some rude asshole and the next thing I know the comedian on stage says, "Oh shit everybody, we have an unexpected guest tonight. Everyone put your hands together for DANIEL TOSH!!!!" Yep, Katie talked to Tosh and had zero idea who he was. And of course not all great times were on a grand scale, many of the best times are of us watching movies together or getting into a show and binge watching it (we never did finish "Mad Men" dammit).

I look back at all of these things and more and I wouldn't trade a single moment with her for anything in the world. I would improve things though. I would make them better and I would erase all mistakes that I made. I love this woman more than I've loved anyone or anything in my life (before anyone says "What about your children?" well of course I love them, you dummy. It's just a different love). Which finally brings me to my entire point that I promised I would get to a couple of paragraphs ago. This separation and depression can not be like my time with Macy. I learned too much from that. I probably could've feasibly died. No, this time I plan on trying to fight through the depression with self improvement rather than booze and drugs. I want to be the best man that I can be. As Mike from Breaking Bad said, "No more half-measures". Except I'm not talking about killing people, instead I'm talking about living. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been a wreck and that suicide did not seem appealing at one

Look it's proof of me today trying to do better

point or another. It has. The thoughts of no more pain and for these feelings to stop seemed awesome but then I thought about all the things I would miss out on. I can't do that. Instead I want to once and for all get everything right and together. I'm vowing here and now to any and all who bother reading through this long blog, that I'm going to start writing again and I promise to try not to write about this again. Notice the word "try" if I do end up writing about it, you can always skip over it. Writing is my one true passion (except Katie and the kids) and I want to make this my full time job perhaps I'll even write the Great American Novel that I've dreamed about for so long. This entry, for me though, is more about healing and making a promise to myself. It has been cathartic to sit down and do this. I feel marginally better and that's all I can hope for. As for the rest of my self improvement, well let's just say that I'll be doing better. I'm going to start seeing a shrink, get this cancer nonsense taken care of, get in shape, and just try to be a better human being. If things do work out for Katie and I, I want to be the best man that she could ever hope for plus the best man that I can be for me.

So My Wife Wanted Me to Make Her a "Period Playlist"

2013-08-22T16:31:00.000-04:00

Recently my wife was watching the Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman movie "No Strings Attached" and was in love with the idea that at one point during the movie Kutcher's character makes Portman a mixed CD for her and her friends when they were on their period. Although I think the movie itself is fairly terrible, I liked the idea but felt that Kutcher's songs were lacking. Yes, they were clever titles such as U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Frank Sinatra's "Life on a String" but I didn't feel that they quite captured the feelings of anger and resentment women display when they are shedding their uterine linings for nearly a solid week. So my wife asked me, "Why don't you do something like that for me? I'm special too." I don't actually think she was serious but seeing that I am currently living in the emotional-rollercoaster-hell that is a woman's period I thought it would be a decent escape to put one together of my own choosing.

1. Chevelle "The Red"

Just change the male pronouns to female pronouns in this song and this is my perception of most women on their period (and for the record by "most women", I mean the two women I've lived with as an adult).

So lay down, the threat is real
When his (her) sight goes red again

This chorus details quite simply how I feel when I see my wife get mad while experiencing her own personal shark week in her pants. I want to find the closest concealed dark corner of the house, assume the fetal position, and wait until it's over.

2. L7 - "Shit List"

Through my extensive experience in living with a female for the past 12 or so odd years, I've taken notice that during the week of pelvic blood and thunder, the female species seems more apt to not only get generally angry but they tend to get more specifically angry. I've seen my wife get emotionally enraged at people for very trivial things like the way someone looks at them or something that may have been done two months beforehand. It doesn't matter. It is easy for a menstruating woman to feel slighted. During those 5-7 days a month, I really feel like she is writing out her own personal shit list of people who are pissing her off.

3. Queens of the Stone Age - "Go with the Flow"

Yes it is a slight play on words for the whole "Aunt Flow" thing and the light/heavy flow descriptions on Tampons (which by the way, I find disgusting. Can they not think of some other way to describe their bleeding? Like "Lock the Gates" to "Eh, not so bad". It's just a thought.) However the song is quite apropos to a woman's emotions during leaky week.

She said "I'll throw myself away,

They're just photos afterall."

I can't make you hang around

I can't wash you off my skin

....

I can go with the flow,

but don't say it doesn't matter anymore

Joshua Homme, lead singer/writer, has obviously dealt with the wrath. You can't write lyrics like that without some experience.

4. Meredith Brooks - "Bitch"

Here it is for the playlist, it speaks for itself. I'm not going to touch on it beyond that.

5. Alanis Morissette - "Uninvited"

This is more of a song for the guys. "Why would an Alanis Morissette song be for the guys?" you might be asking. Well because when your lady is riding the winged cotton dragon, chances are that your invitation to her lady garden has probably been temporarily revoked.

So these are the top five but the list doesn't have to stop here. You can take my suggestions and make that special lady in your life a little playlist for her mp3 player and watch her heart melt in your thoughtfulness. Here are a few more suggestions if you'd like:

The Doors - Peace Frog (Blood in the Streets)
AC/DC - If You Want Blood (You Got It)
Slayer - Raining Blood
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik
Alice Cooper - Only Women Bleed
Rolling Stones - Let it Bleed
Porno for Pyros - Blood Rag

You get the point. Now go make that playlist guys and take cover.

The Kingsport Town Center Is an Epicenter of Depression & Terrible Customer Service

2013-08-15T01:22:00.002-04:00

Sorry, I couldn't think of a shorter or more clever title for this article without losing the point of it all. For anyone that is lives in this small corner of the world, you probably are familiar with what I (and almost everyone I know) refer to as the Fort Henry Mall. I refuse to call it anything else because for nearly all of my life it has been named that but in 2008 it was all supposed to change. In 2008, a huge (for our area) announcement was made that the Fort Henry Mall was going to henceforth be known as the Kingsport

Yeah, this is really it. Doesn't it look like
the epitome of hip and fun?

Town Center and some major changes were on the way. Promises of an actual food court, expanded and newer stores, a bowling alley, skating rink, and a Unicorn were all made but 5 years later, the place is more depressing and boring than it was when it was just an empty lot back in 1975. It seems that every major store or eatery has left the building in those 5 years since the announcement. Every time that I go to this sad hull of economic depression it seems that something else is missing or something has closed. It's like a really terrible surprise when you step foot through the same exact dirty glass doors onto the cracked tile and stained carpet that has been there probably since the early 80's. When things first started closing down like the Chik-Fil-A and Radioshack, I expected that they would promptly be replaced with something better. Instead the Radioshack has practically been boarded up and the old Chik-Fil-A has had a series of independent restaurant disasters. Nothing got better, it got worse. The actual number of stores is probably half of what it was 5 years ago...and then the movie theater closed. What is the point?

I say all this because it is now a terrible, terrible place. It's almost like the souls of the deceased failed businesses that have came through have seeped into the embodiment of remaining employees of the mall. My wife still goes to the FHM for certain things like getting her nails done or getting her make-up, and sometimes I tag along. Tonight was one of those nights. She asked me if I wanted to take our kids to eat in one of the two remaining "restaurants" of the mall while she got her pedicure. Not wanting to cook nor clean it up, I said "sure". Now on the lower level of the "mall" is a "restaurant" called Piccadilly. No, it is not the storied street and social center in London, no it is actually a dingy, dark, low-quality, over-priced cafeteria that employees the most hateful, disgruntled, fuzzy-headed women in the greater Tri-Cities area. "Why in God's name would you go there?" you may be asking. Well, I don't have any answers that I can be proud of nor find valid. Since my wife was getting her nails done directly across from us, I just thought it was sensible. We arrived at the below-school-quality-cafeteria at about 7:45 and grabbed a tray to go through line and have our slop distributed to us. We were quickly informed that they closed at 8pm but that they would still serve us by a portly, grease woman. How very kind I thought, they are open for another 15 minutes and have all of this food available and they are still going to serve us? As we trudged through the line, my kids were repeatedly told by the serving wench what they couldn't have. Keep in mind they were closing in 15 minutes and whatever isn't sold is thrown out, but we still have Kim Jong-Il of the cafeteria telling the kids what couldn't be served on a kids meal. Two of my kids wanted fried chicken, Jong-Il informed them that

What eating at Piccadilly feels like

they were allowed to have two chicken legs with their meal. There was only one chicken leg left along with 2 thighs and about 6 or 7 chicken breasts. Server Jong-Il gave my first child the leg and thigh after much debate with Manager Hitler and told my second child that he could only have the remaining thigh. Perplexed, I asked Hitler if he could just get one breast instead. "No!! Breasts don't go on the kid's meal, sir" she replied. I could tell it was about to get stupid and I thought I might as well play along. "Aren't you all getting ready to close anyway? Do you think it's really going to make a difference?" I asked. "Yes, we can't do that. What do you want for your sides, sir?" Jong-Il replied. She brushed my stupid, illogical question off and was ready to move along. Every item that we asked for was a problem and a standoff. Since I so stupidly got hush-puppies with my frozen fish, I was not allowed to have a nice, hot dinner roll. "It'll be $1.50 extra" Jong-Il informed me. No, I'm not giving you any more money than I'm already obligated to give at this point I told her. My kids stupidly chose the wrong cup size for their kids

Our Server Jong-Il

meal and instead of calling it square, Server Jong-Il told them to pour out the drinks that they had, and go back and get the smaller kiddie cups. I asked her if that sounded logical to her, and she didn't appear to understand the question based upon the dumbfounded look upon her face. When the kids returned from trading in their washable, reusable 18 oz. plastic cups for the non-biodegradable 10 oz. Styrofoam cups, both Jong-Il and Hitler seemed pleased and rang up our slop for $19.11. I don't think I really need to tell you, dear reader, how terrible the food was but I'll give a quick mental picture. Imagine a child going to a really impoverished school and they are an hour late for lunch and the cafeteria worker gives him the barely warmed-over leftovers scraped from the pans. Now imagine being jealous of that. That is the level of food we are dealing with here. One last kicker about the whole Picadilly experience, refills on drinks were free.

Now as we are dejectedly getting up to leave we have to pass by the slop line and I noticed that the chicken breasts that my son couldn't have and the nice warm roll that I couldn't have were both being tossed into a giant industrial sized garbage can along with all the other uneaten food. Now I don't feel that we were necessarily entitled to said food but to waste it with such gusto really irritated me. Greasy Server Jong-Il couldn't just take one of her sausage hands and give my kid a freaking chicken breast because it didn't go with the meal but yet she can shovel it into a garbage can? I can get over that, I can forgive that but the pure fact that they were wasting this terrible food was ridiculous. But I will expound on that a little bit more in a moment.

So we've left the pig trough and told my wife about the traumatic dining experience and informed her that she would unfortunately not be able to enjoy the same food we did since they were now closed and all the food was in the garbage. She looked relived and instead went and got a sandwich from a Italian Village. I have zero bad things to say about Italian Village. They are great and far too good to be lumped into this shell of broken dreams know as the Kingsport Town Center. Anyway, the kids belly's were not quite satisfied so we made our way to the American Cookie Company for some sweet treats. At this time it was about 8:58 or so but not quite on the 9:00 closed down time. I approached the fully-lit, fully-stocked with cookies, counter and before I could get a word out of my mouth the 19 year old douche-canoe told me that he had

My suggestion for their new logo

already closed the register. I sadly looked at all the delicious cookies, cookie cake, and brownies as did my kids but I understand once you close down your register it's kind of a pain in the ass. I didn't argue even though it was still not quite 9:00 and I politely said, "ok". We sat down not 15 feet from the cookie joint and watched the little douche-canoe chat up some girls and casually clean up. As my wife was finishing her sandwich, I noticed they too were actually taking these delicious, sinful little treats and dumping them by the piles into a similar trash can as I had seen earlier. My youngest son saw this too and asked if maybe they would let them have one before they threw them out. So I took my six year old by the hand up to the counter and once again before I could get a word out, douche-canoe interjected. "We can't give you any. It's against the rules. We can't even hand you one." That seemed a little redundant to me but whatever. I asked him, "don't you think that this is the least bit retarded?" As he continued to shovel more of the yummy goodness into the can, he said "I guess, kind of." I wasn't satisfied, I needed him to know how completely ridiculous this was. I needed him to understand that what his boss or whoever told him to this was an idiotic sociopath with zero common sense. I leaned in and told him this and asked, "Do you really grasp this concept? Do you understand the level of stupidity this is at?" I think he understood because he was able to shake away a wisp of hair and nod. To put it all into perspective, my 6 year old understands the concept of discarding food in front of children makes one an asshole.

What did I witness tonight? I watched food that could have easily been donated to a shelter be thrown into a can...twice. I watched two businesses basically tell a customer to go f**k themselves. Did Server Jong-Il, Manager Hitler, or Teenage douche-canoe really think that doing a nice thing or the right thing was going to cause Satan to come riding in on dragon-headed horse through the ceiling and disembowel them all? I'm
glad that these good local Kingsport businesses are hard at work not feeding any of the homeless or helping out the community in any way. Forget my petty little wants, I can get over it even though I still think it's inconceivably absurd, but the fact that they can't take an extra step or two to not donate their food to the needy is unforgivable.

Daft Punk = Robotic Elevator Disco: A Review of "Random Access Memories" album

2013-05-30T21:55:00.000-04:00

If nothing else, I must say that this album
cover is pretty badass.

I've been known to complain from time to time about the music that is being produced and distributed today. I'm seemingly always looking for a musical messiah to come and save us all from the One Directions and Nicki Minajs of the world. Lately, I've heard a lot of praise being heaped upon Daft Punk and how they are the new revolution. I'm always open to new things. I will try any band or song that you shove in front of me at least once because as much as I love Pink Floyd, the Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age, Nirvana, and others, I can only listen to them so much before becoming a little tired of it. I'm always searching for those bands or artists to fill those gaps of boredom that I can find in the classics. I say all of this to let you, dearest reader, that I bought and listened to this album with the purest intentions and admittedly with some excitement. I was excited to hear what could possibly be the new wave...and then I heard the first track and then the second and so on.

From the start, I am quickly reminded of disco but not just plain old disco but rather very specific disco band, Zapp & Roger. It's voicebox/electronica/old school disco beats which is fine, but I've heard it before. Here is a quick comparison:

It goes on and on throughout the album. It is a completely fine album but I hardly see any way that this is revolutionary unless robotic elevator disco is revolutionary. Besides the quick Zapp and Rogers reference, I immediately thought of the "robotic elevator disco" reference which when my wife heard it she completely agreed. I don't want to sound like an old guy who doesn't understand music but I'm really lost on this one. I see that they (Are Daft Punk a "they"? Is it a group or a person) trying to do, mix old disco sounds with new sounds and artists. They(?) throw a couple of nice guest appearances by Pharrell Williams and Julian Casablancas (from the Strokes) but I feel that their talents are wasted because they spend 90% of their time doing repetitive lines through a voicebox/autotune thing.

I know it sounds like I'm taking a huge dump on this album but I'm really not. If it didn't get all of the hype that it has, I could easily enjoy this album as a nice thing to play in the background as I work or read. It's fine, but if I'm in the mood for real disco, I'll put on some KC & the Sunshine Band or the BeeGees.

My recommendation is that you can listen to it for free online through Spotify or Youtube, but I don't think I would go and buy it with money.

Texting Sucks by guest writer Murphy White with Introduction by Me

2013-05-26T11:46:00.001-04:00

I love technology. My family loves technology. Chances are that if you're reading this, you like technology as well. However, every now and then technology doesn't quite fit in to parts of our lives. For example, using your iPhone to check e-mail, Facebook, listen to Stitcher, and play Angry birds while hanging out at home or the office is good. Doing all the exact same things while sitting behind the wheel of your car and driving is far less good. But the line between good uses of technology and bad uses isn't always as clear. Take texting for instance, I was not that keen on texting when it first started being used a few years ago. My phone didn't have one of those nifty QWERTY keyboards on it and I had to do the texting old school style by repeatedly hitting the number. Besides the tediousness of texting back then, I also didn't like the part where it was so impersonal. If I was already using the phone and the person I was texting was going to be using their phone to receive my message, shouldn't we just call each other? Also, do you remember how much of a freaking bill you could rack up? If you didn't have a "texting" package on your phone, you could be hit with a charge of .10 to .15 cents per message sent or received. I remember working for Cingular back in like 2006 and I would get all of these angry calls from parents that were dumb enough to give their kid a phone without a package on it complaining about a $500 charge for texting. (I sympathized with them and would usually just credit it off by the way.) Eventually I came around like every other person under the age of 60 and started texting in the past 3 or 4 years. I still don't like it unless it's something quick like, "Hey, we still meeting later?" or "I'll call you back". I never think it's a good idea to communicate anything of any sort of importance for the greatest reason of all: The intended message can be lost in the message. When reading a text, since it is usually short and imprecise, the reader is not able to hear the emotion or the inflections of the senders voice. So often the intent of a message can be misinterpreted because of this, which brings me to my guest writer today, Murphy White. Murphy is a long time friend and the guy I would consider my best friend. He has recently went through "texting troubles" and wanted to share with me and the world (or the people who happen to read my blog). So here he is, everyone say hello to Murph.

Texting Sucks by Murphy White

Murphy White

Sitting next to me, as I write this, sits my smartphone. I’d have to say that at least 90% of my generation have one. (I’m 32). They do a lot of really cool things but in my relationship experience, texting + relationship = disaster.
Using technology, for me, is great. I love gadgets. Since I was young I’ve always had a gaming console, TVs, stereos, and computers. Within a couple of years after high school, mobile phones were really starting to come into the picture. Everyone seemed to start getting one. It was freedom to stay in touch from anywhere. No more waiting at the house for phone calls trying to plan things or whatever.
Eventually text messaging came into existence. This spanned both mobile and computers. I remember AOL instant messenger vividly, and phones were getting “smarter” to accommodate text. Never again will society be the same, and with it, the change of the human psyche.
There’s a lot to be said about the power of text. It’s quick information delivered rapidly and can be used in many situations where talking isn’t appropriate. It allows you to multi-task at times. It can be good for making lists for others, plus I’m sure many other good reasons. However, in a relationship, it can spell for disaster. Let me emphasize, “can” though. I’m sure many healthy relationships can handle it, but in my experience it has been awful….and here’s why.

The problem with text for me has been that it has no room for context or tone. Often times you can send what is a harmless, casual text, and it can be taken completely the wrong way. Case in point, recently I was texting a girl about having a talk she wanted to have with me, and my text apparently came across as “bossy” for some reason. I’ve had many other examples of this and I’m sure you may have some of your own.
Text also brings with it a “curtain.” For some reason, and I don’t mean this applies to everyone, but text brings a certain sense of security. It allows you to be hidden from actual confrontation. I say confrontation, and it sometimes has a negative undertone, but what I really mean is a human connection like a face and/or voice. It allows certain people to hide behind their phone to avoid facing in person consequences like….reactions to what they are saying.Now sometimes….sometimes…you get a combo of both of the above. Sometimes people will avoid a phone call but will text you. Heaven forbid that you ask them why they just didn’t answer the phone and avoid a lengthy text session. This brings up my third point.
Don’t EVER argue through text. This is about the worst thing to do, because when you are mad, you have the tendency to think faster than you can type. Not to mention you’re trying to respond to what they are telling you, which is often in the middle of what you are typing and is non-related. When this happens you have this jumble of topics you are trying to juggle all at the same time. Natural conversation goes out the window followed by frustration and sometimes….the end of the relationship.

This is what I plead for in the future:

Text messaging can only be used in certain situations like brief conversations, lists, or to be used in places where talking is inappropriate with arguing saved for a later time. Otherwise, answer my phone call.
Oh, and while I think tech stuff is great….we all need to get out a little more.
(As I check Facebook)

Inspirational Rap: Rap Inspiration, Son!!

2013-04-09T16:41:00.001-04:00

As many of you know I have been experimenting a lot with making different memes/pictures/parodies etc. I enjoy being entertained by the many funny/interesting things I see on the internet through Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, reddit, etc. However, the one thing that drives me nuts (ok not the ONE thing but one amongst many) are these horrible, generic inspirational quotes from some obscure poet or author laid over some random picture that has nothing to do with the quote being posted all over Tumblr and Facebook.

I've seen these things get thousands of shares, likes, reposts, etc and I've thought to myself, "Anyone could do this." I strive to be funny and entertaining in all aspects of my life. I firmly believe that nothing should be posted to the internet if it doesn't fall under one of three categories: 1) Be Funny 2) Be Informative 3) Be Entertaining. That's it or you can ask a question, questions are good too. Too many things are posted that do not fall under any of these categories and I hate them.

However, I know that they are not going away because I do not rule the internet and not that many people listen to me anyway. So I figured that if people are going to continue posting these "inspirational" pictures/messages that I could contribute as well. I noticed that a lot of people use poets as their source for "inspiration" and I thought, "well, we really don't have poets anymore, at least not really popular ones, so who are our modern day poets?" The answer: rappers.


This is from "rapper" Waka Flaka Flame.		Yep, that's his name

I've scoured the interwebs through rap lyrics and found countless treasure troves of "poetry" and I've wanted to share them with my fans or people who read the stuff I publish. The preposterous lyrics that I've found are beyond words and only pictures can do them justice.

Ok, I've been lying, these lyrics are SO bad. I don't understand how any intelligent people could enjoy this stuff. It makes me sad that these rappers are rich because they can rhyme extremely simple words like "hump" and "lump" or "straight" and "cake". I do have some hope however because this means that my children could potentially be superstars because they could easily sit down and write these lyrics.

As always I wanted to share some of the greatness of this with you, dear reader. Now keep in mind as you look at these pictures that these are grown ass adults writing this stuff, not children. Well, I guess it would be pretty bad if a 10 year old wrote the lyrics to the right, but those kitties sure are cute.

I love this song, as stupid as it is.

Some are dirtier than others but as I've stated before no one should be offended by anything because dirty words don't effect or hurt anyone and if you think that they do then you are a moron.

Some rappers pull their inspiration from their love of sex. As my friend Christian Norman put it, "It's like they have Tourette's and are on Viagra" This is an example of the Tourette/Viagra phenom.

Others are so nonsensical that I don't even know what to say about them. I've never met a lady that wanted to be shat upon, but I guess if I did, the very least I would do would be to offer her some baby wipes.

If you like all the stuff I do or if you hate it and want to tell me how much you hate me. Find me on Facebook at "Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething" and like the page. Please share, subscribe, and like as you see fit.

Uninspiring Inspiration

2013-03-16T09:59:00.002-04:00

I know, I know. It has been a really long time since I've done anything on here and I feel like a lazy useless person for it. Lately too many things going on to have any sort of time to sit down and write any sort of extended piece. However, it only takes a few moments to make some pictures.

Lately, I've been noticing WAY TOO MANY of all of those super-generic-scenic-cliche "inspirational" pictures. The basic formula is this:

Find a picture of landscape or crowd of people
Make up a cliche quote or steal one from a famous person
Make sure that the picture and the words do not relate in any way whatsoever
Combine in preferred photo-editing software
Post to Facebook and get 10,000 likes from sheep people.

So like any responsible blogger/writer/aspiring comedy person, I've not been able to avoid the irony of everyone of them that I've seen. I see 100 or more pictures everytime I log onto any social media site telling me how perfect I am, how I shouldn't regret anything, or how I'm not fat but rather beautiful.

I cannot imagine that anyone believes those things and when they read them they say, "Yeah, that's right. I'm not going to diet now that I know I'm already perfect" or "Yeah, why should I ever look at any past mistakes in my life and learn from them? The future is now."

As always I couldn't help but try to point this out. So I made a few and if anyone else has some more I would love to see them.

And lastly, don't be afraid to follow your dreams....

So I Finally Made a Reaction Video....

2013-01-26T18:25:00.002-05:00

I've seen a ton of internet reaction videos over the years. I've seen the videos that are being reacted to like "2 Girls 1 Cup", "Mr. Hands", "BME Pain Olympics" and etc. They have all horrified me and disgusted me but perhaps none quite as bad as one that was recently shown to me by my friend "Smurphy Black" (I wanted to protect his identity). I'm sure there are a lot of these videos out there and I don't give a damn if I ever see another one. So I didn't want my own reaction on video (because I don't ever want to watch it again) so we had my wife and her friend Val take a look. The reaction is great and then the running commentary that they made was even better. What surprised me was the length of time that they watched it, Smurphy and I only made it like 45 seconds watching it, they made it like 8 minutes. So here it is, watch if you want and yes there is filthy language in it because we are watching a filthy video. Enjoy it!!

If you are interested in watching the orginal video, then there is something really wrong with first of all, but you can find it just by googling it. But I really, really don't recommend doing that.

What the F@%K are We Listening To?

2013-01-22T14:04:00.000-05:00

The title says it all but let me elaborate because just having a title would make for a pretty boring post. My wife, who is not yet a seasoned, grizzled thirtysomething, went out dancing with some friends the other night. It was her first time in something like two years and I didn't mind because if you ever saw me back in the late 90's/early 2000's then you know that I can't dance. When you are almost 6'3 all of your "moves" seem to be accentuated and exaggerated, so when it is bad it is terrible. I'm not one to let my own shortcomings prevent others from enjoying themselves so when she was invited by some friends I saw it as an opportunity to have some XBox/Netflix time to myself. After a couple of hours, Katie (the wife lady) came home very distressed. I didn't know what to think initially (possible roofie, overpriced drinks, skanks) but I just let her talk. "I'm old." she said, "I don't know what the hell that music was and I don't know what kind of dancing that could possibly be." She went on to tell me of a new dance or something called "the Clap" which, to the best of her understanding, included one girl in the middle of a circle shaking her ass while everyone in the circle of humans claps their hands in a "alligator-like" motion and tells the girl in the middle that they are giving her "the Clap". When Katie heard this, she asked these 18-21 year olds why they were encouraging each other to get gonorrhea. None of them knew what that meant. All of this made me think, "What kind of music are we (not me) listening to today? What sort of musical abortions are being pushed into the earholes of our youth? Is there anything I can do to stop this tragedy?"

I searched through the Billboard Hot 100 chart to find out what people are listening to and to hopefully try to help remedy it. I picked out a few songs that could possibly lead to uncontrolable vomiting, violent bleeding from the ears, and spontaneous bowel release and then made an alternate suggestion. My alternate suggestions are songs that are markedly better but in the same style or theme of the vomit-inducing song. I see no need for people, in particular our youth, to be listening to songs that cause spastic bowels when there is so much out there. The youth represents our future and we can't have them thinking Nicki Minaj is as talented as Aretha Franklin or that Lady Gaga is Madonna.

Nicki Minaj - Va Va Voom

I don't necessarily mean to pick on this cartoon character but after listening to a couple of her songs, she deserves it. This one in particular was my pick for best worst song of hers, but then again I only listened to three songs so I don't have a large pool to choose from. (I'm sure there are worse, feel free to let me know) Ok, so the quick break down on this song is that she is hanging out at different clubs looking for married guys that she can take home, make a sex tape with, and hopefully change their minds about being married. No really, I read the lyrics to make sure. I'm not judging, I don't care what she sings about really but it's the fact that it is sounds so preposterous and overproduced. The singing parts sound overly autotuned but not in that obvious T-Pain style but rather in the way that you say, "Bet she doesn't sound like that live." The rap parts are childish, if a child was trying to pick up a married man in a bar. When she can't rhyme two words, she just makes a sound at the end of the second word to make it rhyme. So if you are looking for a rap song about random sex and cheating (in which there are literally thousands) might I recommend instead....Naughty By Nature's "O.P.P."

Sure there are the aforementioned thousands of rap songs about cheating and infidelity but none of them celebrated it quite like Naughty by Nature. What they did was actually make a clear, catchy song that got the point across just as hard as Ms. Minaj but they included everyone in the equation and made it sound okay and like a party. Women could cheat, men could cheat, and as long as everyone wore a condom then everything would be fine. Another thing about this song is this, "Do you think anyone will remember Minaj's "Va Va Voom" in 20 years? Nope, but everyone remembers "O.P.P."

Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I'm not necessarily saying that this is a bad break up song but I am saying that she has built an entire career off of break up songs. It has continually blown my mind that everyone keeps falling all over her songs. You hear jokes about it on all the late night shows, the comedy podcasts, the panel shows, and entertainment blogs but yet still girls love her. Why? There are far more awesome break-up songs out there that can equally get your point across. For this one I wanted to list more than one but I went with one that I still feel is one of the biggest burns ever dropped on an album and I'm a little ashamed to admit it....Justin Timberlake - "Cry Me a River"

I know there are more classic ones than this but for me this one was personal. I haven't always been married and I lived with a girl for a few years in my early 20's and even created a child with her. We are cool now but when we broke up back in the day, I listened to the shit out of this song. It said everything I wanted to say to her. And that's what I think makes for a good break-up song, it should convey all of your feelings and you should believe the singer means every damn word of it. I just don't feel like Taylor Swift has been in a relationship long enough to even write a heartfelt song, so I disqualify her until she has a boyfriend for more than 6 months. I'm not posting the videos for some of the others but I will list them with links because they are too good not to and they put Taylor Swift to shame. In no particular order, Cee Lo - "Fuck You" , Cake - "I Will Survive" , and here is a list of the top 50, in which none of them are Taylor Swift songs, here.

Fun. - We Are Young

I don't completely hate this song but I feel like they are kind of like a dramatic pseudo-boy band who listened to a lot of Queen. This isn't necessarily a terrible song, it's really okay the first time or two that you hear it but then you hear it for the 427th time and it really irritates you and you start to make that connection that they are trying to fool you into liking them. You won't immediately start bleeding from the ears but if you listen too much or too long you just might. Instead, might I suggest that you listen to what they listened to and see which one you like better. Queen had a lot of great songs but probably none more dramatic (Fun.) than "Bohemian Rhapsody". Compare and contrast, if you will.

I understand that they are completely different songs but the flare for the dramatic is definitely present and not only in this one Fun. song. I checked out others and it seems to be a theme. It's fine but I would rather go with Queen or maybe Pink Floyd.

will.i.am featuring Britney Spears - Scream & Shout

I know that you think I'm getting ready to pick on Britney Spears don't you? Well, a little but this venom is aimed more at will.i.am. He is quite possibly the least talented, most annoying, most overexposed, bowel-twitching, pile of talentless shit that we have in American music now. Need proof? Ok, take out the little catchy beat of this song and listen to the words. Or if you want to save your ears, I'll give you some of the super clever, well thought out lyrics ever put to paper that took will.i.am plus two other writers to come up with:

"I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh"

Yeah, it took a total of three writers to make that. And yes, he is correct, I do want to scream and shout...in pain. I imagine that this song is being played right now in an underground secret military bunker ran by the CIA holding terrorists in windowless cells in pitch darkness on cold wet concrete floors. It is being pumped into their cells as punishment. It is being used to break their will. will.i.am might be the most important figure in the CIA. Who knows the countless numbers of terrorists he has broken with his shitty music? Thanks Willy, glad you are good for something. My only stab at Britney is this, "Dear Britney, you are a hillbilly and no one is fooled by that terrible British accent."

If you are wanting to listen to a good collaboration between a rapper and a lady singer, I can give you better. Hell, I imagine if Helen Keller were still alive she find you a better collabrotive song. However, I picked "Stan" by Eminem and Dido. Listen to "Scream and Shout" and "Stan" back to back and I promise you will cry in sadness thinking about how will.i.am is so popular.

I'm not shitting on all of modern music because there great bands and singers like the Black Keys, The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine, and many, many others. But there are far too many terrible "artists" out there raping the music industry and sodomizing the ears of impressionable teens and early 20-somethings. Please put a stop to it, and listen to something great today in protest.

Amazing Art with Brandt Hardin

2013-01-07T16:01:00.001-05:00

Recently when I posted my Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits blog, a fellow smart person posted a comment and a link to his personal art blog. Anyone that takes the time to comment on anything, in my book, is worthwhile of checking out. I clicked the link and was blown away by the artist. I just wanted to share this stuff with you all because it is fantastic. It reminds me a little of Ralph Steadman of Fear and Loathing fame but with perhaps more acid. I do not personally know Hardin but I told him that I wanted to share with everyone the work he is doing. So if you are an art fan or just like really cool pictures please click the link.

Also, just as a sample, I wanted to share on this page the FauxNews picture he made. It might be my favorite.

Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits

2013-01-04T11:06:00.001-05:00

I was delighted this morning when I went to read through the Huffington Post and found a new Ann Coulter clip. Ann Coulter is one of my favorite comedians and has kept me entertained for years. The only thing is though, she has no Comedy albums or specials, instead she has little guest appearances on FauxNews and other shows that are eager to hear her well thought out, considerate views. She is kind of like the one-woman show equivalent of another hilarious traveling improv group, the Westboro Baptist Church.

I believe that both her and the infamous hate group are really just a bunch of failed actors who couldn't make it to the big screen and had to find another way to make money. They troll us all and get us all upset and they ultimately win. Well, while I do think that we should find everything Ann Coulter and the WBC do repulsive, I also think that we should see it for what it is: large scale trolling. They are like those douchebags that can find a negative, adverse thing to say about any given subject, picture, or story. I guarantee that if you go to any large Facebook page, scroll through and find the most innocent looking picture of a baby or flowers, you will see a comment on there somewhere that says "That's a gay baby" or "Flowers are the devil's tools for sin" or something equally ridiculous. And this is exactly what people like Ann Coulter does, give that bitch any subject and she can find away to twist it up and piss off every American with an IQ higher than Forrest Gump's. So instead of getting angry, just see it for what it is and have a laugh, and realize that only bottom feeders buy into this crap.

Here is the clip that had me laughing in disbelief this morning. You see, this attention whore needed some new attention and thought it would be funny to say that we should publish a list of all women who've had an abortion so we would know who would be willing to murder a child. If you watch carefully, you can see the split second before she says it and the moment afterwards that she is obviously trolling. She knows what she just said is preposterous but that moment afterwards she also knows that she just got herself a new YouTube clip. She doesn't believe in a damn thing that she says. She just keeps on thinking of the most horrific things to say and vomits them out for attention....because she's an attention whore.

The great part of what the Huffington Post made was what I like to call a "Greatest Hits of Ann" and I wanted to link it here for you. It's given me a lot of laughs this morning. Check it out here.

Eating Corn Flakes, Happy Bert Day, and DMX Christmas Carols

2013-01-04T02:54:00.003-05:00

After the past couple of days, I would like to take a positive turn and bring some smiles. Too much negativity makes my ass itch and gets a large portion of the Model City angry at me. It's 2 a.m. but it doesn't matter, I can't leave my site and Facebook with so much hopeless negativity. Finding the time to write out stuff has proved a bit more difficult than I thought, hence the reason I'm sitting alone in the dark at 2 in the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping. Is this the life I want? Do I really want to be a vampire staying up all night and waking up the next day scrubbing sleepy things out of my eyes while my head feels like it is being trounced upon by the Westboro Baptist Church at an Elton John concert all the while trying to keep it together and getting all my other grown up duties done? Yeah, pretty much. I don't like my current station in life of just getting by. I don't want to look back in ten years and go "Dammit!!! I wish I would've done something else!!!" and hating my own guts day in and day out.....Oh wait, this was supposed to be a positive blog. Full of happiness and puppies and flowers, right? Well, I don't have any of that crap but we will look into how Kellogs was intended to stop masturbation, the great Bert Kreischer, and to close it out I've got DMX singing a Christmas song.

Kellogg's Was Meant to Stop Masturbation

This was the original and unpopular Kellogg's slogan

I found this article (which you can click on just above this) and I haven't stopped laughing since. I've always known that Corn Flakes were bland, boring, nearly tasteless flakes but I never noticed until this article that I've never once gotten aroused or been turned on while eating them. John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of the Corn Flake, would be elated to hear this news. You see, Kellogg was an avid anti-sex advocate. An extremist if you will. Just think about how terrorists hate freedom and that's how Kellogg felt about sex. He believed that sex with a woman would dirty and cloud one's mind and that masturbating was about a million times worse. Just like any devoted Jihadist terrorist is committed to his ideas, he was so committed to his ideas that he never once had sex with his wife, not even on the wedding night. The children he had were all adopted, so he could avoid the whole dirty "procreation" thing. My question for him would be, "Where the hell do you think you came from?" But I think if we were able to travel back in time we would find the real answer to his hatred of sex: micro-baby-dick. Anyhow, so Kellogg had a theory, he believed that food like meat and other stuff that had flavor worked as an aphrodisiac and in order for people to not be horny and eating delicious foods he created one of the most tasteless cereals of all time. He had some other wonderfully crazy ideas as well that you can read in the above link. Next time you are enjoying (or more likely, simply eating) Kellogg's Corn Flakes, remember that they would never be here if it wasn't for a man with a tiny penis.

Happy Bert Day!!! 7 Hours of Bert Kreischer

Today, or most likely yesterday if you are a normal human being reading this, I was excited and elated to see when I went to my Stitcher app on my iPhone that Bert Kreischer was on two different podcasts, his own Bertcast and the epic 5 hour and change Joe Rogan Experience. What did this mean for me? No boredom as I went about my day doing all the tedious crap that I normally do. If you don't know you Bert is the best way I know how to introduce him is with a short 10 minute video. This tells his famous "The Machine" story and is illustrated "South Park" style. I've recommend this video and this guy to countless people but I still feel like not enough people know about him. He has the kind of laugh that automatically sets you into laughter, he has the most amazing stories, and if you've ever seen the movie Van Wilder, that shit is about him. At one time he was voted America's Number One Party Animal and was on the cover of Rolling Stone. Anyway, I was able to listen to about 4 hours of Bert today while doing all of my grown up activities and my stomach hurts from laughing so much. You can go to iTunes and download the episodes for free to your iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever. Or you can click on the links from earlier. It's a lot more interesting to listen to while doing boring shit than your own sad thoughts.

Finally, DMX Sings "Rudolph"

I found this one while scrolling through Facebook today and I have laughed all ten times that I've watched it. Words can not really do it justice but just imagine all the classic Ruff Ryder barking along with a cheerful song about a deer.

I kept this one short but I'll have more on later when my eyes don't feel like they are going to fall out of my head. As always, if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething and tell me just how you feel.

Working Hoochy Asses for Gift Cards: by mystery guest writer

2013-01-02T22:36:00.000-05:00

As I am apt to do from time to time, I give other people an opportunity to write on the blog. Today, a certain lady felt inspired to write after reading some comments left on the Facebook page. I post pictures and I never do it to hurt anyone. I always do it in the spirit of fun and laughter, nothing more. It has never once been personal to anyone but a couple of people took it seriously today so it set off the wrath of this writer. (I'm only not naming her because she asked me too. And technically this was dictated to me.)

So with all the hype surrounded by the pictures that were put up on the Facebook page I wanted to take the time to point out a few things to some of the slutty skanks that decided to pull together and make some insults.

If you enter a public contest at some local glory hole in your bikini and look like you are taking a dump on the floor, then you deserve the public ridicule you get when it lands on said club’s public site.
If you are a succubus, and have so many kids that child services had to get involved and correct your crappy parenting, I would not point a single finger at two people that have never lost custody of their children.
If you think someone is jealous of your relationship which consists of being beaten by a toothless, thug, then honey you might want to get some self- help in your local support group. DHS can help you get there.
I would rather have the body of a beached whale versus having a meth-body just to go out and look like a zombie stripper for the local horn dogs.
It makes me sad when low IQ people try to make legitimate arguments when they cannot spell. (tHiZ iZz NoT hOwE yoU dU iT)
The Mouse’s Ear rejects that keep making comments…you make my eyes hurt. You know, I had some hard times being a teenage mom and all, but guess what trolls? I went to college and here I am now with 2 degrees. No one handed it to me. I had to work for it. You know, like you work your hooch asses in the strip club for gift cards, well I worked mine off to get a better job.
It's too late to be a good example for your horde of children but the least you can do is save them from further embarrassment and stop putting your self on the internet.
When you have multiple “baby daddy’s,” and continue to attain more partners and “baby daddies,” you might be a whore.
Have some standards for goodness sake and hit Goodwill and cover your puppies up and booty. Walk around covered up like it’s a secret! Why? Because some things should be left unseen. Now ladies, I have given you some sound advice here. I would also like to add that all skanks on the Goodship Stripper-Pop need to get a sense of humor. If you want to be taken seriously, then act like a human. You cannot expect to be a member of society and be taken seriously when you conduct yourselves like homeless trollops.

So that is what was dictated to me by a special person. And I do want to reiterate that I never do this with any ill-will towards anyone, and if you do get butt-hurt may I recommend getting off of the other sites that post funny pictures you silly hypocrites. Enjoy some pictures and remember that.

As always if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething. Just keep it light, it's not that serious.

I Need a Reboot: Ending 2012 and taking 2013 Seriously

2013-01-01T16:29:00.000-05:00

I feel this so hard. Hearing it once is fine but
after that, you kind of feel like shooting someone
while calling them a motherfucker.

When I started this blog in 2011, I started off with a goal in mind. I wanted to write something 2 or 3 times a week, I wanted to be relevant, I wanted to be funny, and I wanted it to lead to something. Guess how many of those goals were achieved? Two, sort of and those are subjective. What the hell happened? I could sit here and reel off a whole list of excuses but that would be boring. So instead I wanted to take a new approach to the whole blog starting with the cliche of the the New Year. I know that is lame and I hate myself for even typing those words but I sort of figured this time to be a good jumping off point.

This year I am going to start to treat this blog as a job. I found that to be my problem in the past. It was something that I did casually and I often would have ideas and then be too busy or more honestly too damn lazy to write them down. So this year every day for at least 1 to 3 hours a day (or night) I'll dedicate myself to this page. Whether I write out some original ideas or whether I make it commentary on news or if I simply find some stuff on the internet that interests me. I want my site to become a place that my friends and fans come to in order to find and learn about interesting shit that they might not have otherwise found. I want to add my commentary to whatever I find suitable. So without further adieu, I wanted to start this off with introducing some interesting stuff that I've recently been looking into.

The Picture of the Day

If you've ever seen any of my other pictures then
you'll know exactly where I got this.

I'm not sure what it is with girls either making a duckface or sticking their tongues out in seemingly every other picture on the internet but our friend here on the leftside of the picture has taken it to new levels. Lick a friend!! If any of my friends licked me while taking a picture, the next shot would be of me punching him in the throat.

Interview with a Cannibal: from Vice.com

I first learned about this guy while listening to my favorite podcast (and sort of my inspiration for doing this in the first place) the Joe Rogan Experience. His name is Issei Sagawa and he is a confirmed psychotic cannibal. In 1981, Sagawa murdered fellow college student Renee Hartevelt in Paris and over the course of three days cut off and devoured pieces of her and saved other choice cuts in his fridge. He was caught dumping the leftovers in a lake. The story itself is chilling and disturbing but I feel that most of us are so jaded with crazy news stories that we cannot ever truly grasp the horror of crimes. This short 30 odd minute documentary is an interview with the monster. He gives details of his crime along with personal illustrations with such a matter of fact attitude that it sends chills up your spine. He admittedly has no remorse for his crime and by watching it, one could definitely conclude that he would like to do it again. And he very well could, because guess what? He never served prison time for his crime. He was immediately sent to a psychiatric hospital in France after his apprehension and declared insane. However the French, in their infamous hospitality, did not want to foot the bill for keeping this madman locked up and deported him back to Japan. Japan is known to take care of their own and after a short stint in one of their hospitals, they released him and he's been free ever since. This documentary covers not only his crimes but his life since the "incident", as he calls it. He has made a living off his own infamy writing books about his crime, starring in cheesy Z level Japanese movies exploiting him as a cannibal, and even did a porn with an unsuspecting actress who only learned of his crimes after the sex was done. So gather up the family, get some popcorn, and watch this fun-filled, happy-go-lucky documentary...or not. You should probably watch this alone and with a side of horror and disgust.

The Joe Rogan Experience

This definitely will not be the last time I mention the JRE as it continues to amaze me with every episode but I felt that I have to mention it in the first blog of the year. If you've never listened (and according to statistics only me and about 10 other people in the entire state of TN listen to any podcasts), you have to. As a matter of fact, if you don't listen to this one then find one that you do like. Podcasts are, to me, the best form of entertainment, information, and distraction that can be had for free. Go to iTunes, go to podcasts and you'll see literally hundreds of great shows...all for free. You pay nothing!!! Anyway, go find one and do it, you might learn something!! This clip hear is one of a series of 2012 year in review videos for the JRE so I figured it would be a good taste for people new to the experience.

The 9 Wildest Things Fox News has said in 2012 from the Huffington Post

I found this little jewel this morning while scrolling around my Huffington Post App. I won't always pick on Conservatives and Republicans but when you get something this great it's hard to ignore. I promise I'll knock on the liberal side as well, because we say stupid shit all the time too. I've found that this year, above many others, we have examples of bad, terrible rhetoric from the Conservative side though. A lot of rape minimalizing, a lot of gay blaming, and a lot about how the absence of God in schools has led to these shootings has been muttered without a bit of foresight from these Neanderthals. Rape has been a big issue with them all year, I guess because of the whole birth control drama. The birth control issue is something I could go off on for an hour but I'll sum it up in as few words as possible. Birth control is a good thing, we are overpopulated as it is, women have the right to it, companies that try to deny it are anti-progress and in all reality too cheap to provide it and think we are all too stupid to realize it, and it should really be a non-issue. There I said it.

The Lumineers

Now on to something more cheery...I know that I am probably just old or out of touch but I recently discovered this band while bullshitting around on Spotify. Apparently, millions of other people heard about these guys before I did and have watched this video and bought their album but dammit, it's better late than never. I just picked up the CD today (I know it's available to listen to for free on the internet but sometimes I like having a physical copy. Stop judging me!!) Holy Batman's Nutsack, Robin!! This is a tremendous album. There doesn't seem to be one moment of "suck" on the entire thing. I do however, recommend watching this video with your eyes closed because it is about as lame as it gets but the song is great.

If you like what I do or if you hate me, come check me out on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething. Tell me how great you think I am or tell me I'm an asshole. Either way, thanks for reading. Also for God's sake, go through my Amazon links if you want to buy from them, I'll get a few pennies.

Post Election Hangover: The Week After

2012-11-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a little over a week since the Electoral College took a look at our votes and decided which guy would ultimately take the helm of Supreme Ruler of America. Many people have felt that the Electoral College chose the wrong guy. Many people believe in voter fraud. Many people thought the count was wrong. Worst of all? Many people thought that this was the beginning of the apocalypse, armageddon, the holocaust, and ground zero for a massive zombie outbreak all rolled into one.

Now before you hit the little 'x' in the upper right hand corner hear me out. I'm not criticizing people who voted Romney. I'm really not. What I am criticizing is narrow-mindedness and complete apocalyptical thinking. Neither Romney nor Obama were or are the saviors of America. They are simply men who raised enough money to buy votes and support from the correct special interest groups, lobbyists, and corporations who will then turn around and be controlled by these same groups. That's all. So please don't be sad that Romney didn't get in, he wasn't going to save you just like Obama isn't either. Don't gloat in Obama's victory, it doesn't mean anything just as if Romney would've gotten in.

This has not happened...yet

I've waited a week to write this because I was wanting to make sure that the "doom and gloom" crowd weren't correct in predicting the end of civilization. I woke on the morning after the election and peeked outside my window to make sure that zombies weren't dragging my neighbors out of their homes, that cars weren't spontaneously combusting, that there weren't any massive dumpster fires, and that there wasn't any rioting in the streets before I got out of bed. And you know what? I couldn't tell a difference between Tuesday morning when I woke up and that Wednesday. Hell, each day I've been waiting for lizard-people to come around with sub-atomic brain suction lasers to suction my thoughts and soul out of my body. Alas, it has not happened. When I get in my car each morning I wince at the thought that when I turn the key, I might be instantly vaporized. I'm timid when I pull into the parking lot at school, thinking that all of these students might actually be zombies ready to eat my face. But nope, nothing has changed. I think and ponder all this because on that Wednesday I went to Facebook and saw all the foretelling of the collapse of society as we know it being spewed out by many people who were sad.

Sure, there were certainly some entertaining posts that weren't actually meant for entertainment (I think), but most of them were so out there that one would easily conclude that the apocalpse was starting in the next 5 minutes. I saw, "America is dead", "God will punish America", and "I'm moving to Mexico/Canada", just to name a few. Now if you took a time traveler from the 1800's who landed in 2012 and told them to read all of these posts, he would start to quiver in his boots and faint from sheer terror. People were blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. I was actually ashamed to know some of these people. I couldn't believe that anyone could type or say those things and actually be serious. I decided to engage one of the more extreme people to try to get an idea of what he was thinking. He had combined all three of the previous examples into one single post and then some (he added that Obama was an evil Muslim that hated America and Israel). I told him the short version of what I'm saying here now, but it fell on deaf ears.

Drug Cartel's favorite activity for white people

My favorites have been the posts about moving to Mexico or Canada. Yeah, that will fix your problems. Mexico's notorious drug cartels just love white people. Let me rephrase that, they love the severed heads of white people who got too close to their operation. Canada is pretty cool but then you have the healthcare thing that so many are bitching about now. Got a cold? Get in line, it might take a month or two.

See? That's not Obama.

If you find that you are one of these people that said all of these things, don't think that I hate you or wish ill-will towards you. Quite the contrary, I care about you and I want you to be smarter than what you are showing. Every president that has come along throughout history has had their naysayers. People have always prophetized the end of the world when he get a president. They are always the "Antichrist" in someone's eyes. But look, we haven't blown our selves up, the zombies haven't risen, society hasn't collapsed, and you are probably doing the same thing today as you were the same time last week. Electing a president does not make for great changes, the people of America are the ones who change it. We need to look past these silly party lines that we've drawn up and step over them and help each other out. Positive change will only happen when we decide to make it happen. So stick around gloom-and-doomers, greatness could be just around the corner.

Advice Blog: "Dude, It'd Probably be Easier if You Were Gay"

2012-10-06T16:31:00.003-04:00

Yeah, that really is the title of this one. And yeah, I really did tell someone that. I have a good sound reason too. It's not because this guy or any guy that has women problems seems to have any "gay tendencies" or I feel that they are in the closet or anything. No, it's because at a certain point communicating with women and deciphering their secret code can become so frustrating that it could cross one's mind. Same for women too. I hear women say all the time, "I swear, I'm almost at the point of writing off men for good" but you never hear, "Dude, it'd probably be easier if you were gay"....until now.

I was talking to a friend the other day that has had a bad run with women here lately and it always seems to come down to simple communication problems. You see women and men, fundamentally, communicate differently and although there is nothing wrong with that, it's still maddening. I'm not going to get into that hacky, typical comedian thing of "Hey, did you ever notice women do (enter cliché here)? But I will say that women will beat around the bush about what they want from a man. She may say something like, "I've not eaten much today" and what that means when translated to Man-talk says, "Hey, will you get me something to eat?" I will also say that women tend to mask what they want with vagueness like, "I want to take things slow" or "I think we are moving too fast". Now I don't know how to translate that to Man-talk because it is so vague. My friend had this said to him from the last couple of girls he has dated. I don't know what the hell this means, and to be honest, no one knows what it means, man or woman, it's simply something to say to throw the man off. I've tried to decipher the meaning and even came up with some plausible ideas of what it might mean (No sex, too much hanging, too much calling, meeting the parents, etc.) but I can't be sure. The woman might be fine with a lot of sex but you are calling her too much or she doesn't want the sex but would really like to hang out more. Who knows? When I was stuck in the dating world 136 years ago, I got one of those statements several times and I would ask, "Ok. So what do you want then? Am I calling too much? Should we have sex less often? What is it?" Inevitably it was always another vague answer to a specific question, "No, it's just that I want to take it slow"

If a man were to say something like this (which would probably not happen) it would be much more specific like, "Listen, you are being too clingy, I need some guy time, quit blowing up my phone, but let's still have sex whenever possible" And why is that? Because typically men say exactly what they want. We do not practice the art of being vague, we don't dance around a subject, and we certainly do not do little tests. Which is another thing; women do the "test-talk" all the time. "That girl has a nice body don't you think, honey?" the female might say and since men say what they mean a male might say yes. But no that was a test, he isn't supposed to find other women attractive, he lost sight of other beauty when he met his girlfriend, his eyes cannot even register the opposite sex, everyone just looks grey and featureless anymore!! There are a million examples of this and I think you get my point and now that brings me back around full-circle to my statement of it might be easier to be gay.

I'm not trying to down play how it is to be a gay man or woman in this world; I know that there are many struggles that they have to go through in society. What I am saying is, at the root of it, excluding outside judgment and homophobes, being gay would be pretty easy, especially for a man. Of course, there is also the problem for some that they don't find other dudes attractive but if that was taken out it would be great. The guy could hang out with his best friend; they could watch sports, drink, take a dump without shame, scratch their balls without judgment, and would never have to worry about communication problems. A dream monogamous gay dude situation would be watching the Super Bowl, guzzling iced mugs of beer, smoking cigars, and eating some hot wings. The only downfall would be that you'd half to have sex later. But if you could get past the part where you aren't attracted to other dudes, wouldn't that be great?

Or let's say that you've grown tired of women and their games and you just want to go out, try some dudes, and have no strings attached. Shazam, son!! If you are looking for anonymous-no-strings sex, look no further than Craiglist. If you've never read through Craigslist "casual encounters" or "missed connections" section then you are missing out on a treat. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that men say exactly what they want and what they are thinking, and apparently men want some pretty damn dirty things. I just want to give some real examples real quick, none of this has been pre-screened; I just simply went there and these are some of the gems I found: (I think it goes without saying that this blog is getting ready to be pretty explicit, so if you are easily offended, then it's time to go)

From Bristol - "clean and discreet cock sucker swallowing loads. nice looking total bottom. stop by econo lodge rm to to to on commonwealth and use my mouth. clean tight butt needs a good drilling also. have some porn."
From Bristol - "I AM A COCKSUCKER TRIED AND TRUE. LOVE TO SUCK, DEEPTHROAT, SWALLOW CUM, RIM AND WORSHIP HOT GUYS.
MARRIED, STR8 AND UNCUT ARE PLUSES BUT NOT REQUIREMENTS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, YOU SHOULD BE 50 OR UNDER, HWP, AND HAVE BALLS FULL OF CUM."
From, you guessed it, Bristol - " I want someone to come over and plow the hell out of my ass and use my throat as hard as you want.. send pics and i do whatever you ask. i will be your sex slave."
And probably my favorite one that I found tonight, from Asheville - "Hosting now in my hotel- dressed in panties, stockings garter, lace...got a room full of panties, an ass filled with a dildo, and a cock that needs sucking....please bring your eager mouth
Will bottom for right guy- Will let u cum and pee on me if that's your thing
6'3 200lbs white married cd 6.5 cut and shaved"

What most of the guys are hoping for
on Craigslist.

See? These are gay dudes being honest about what the hell they want. They don't want to be your friend, they don't want to have some deep intellectual conversation, they want to get down and dirty. This kind of talk would not and could not work with 90% of women (unless you are paying them and that is their profession). With women, it is a cat-and-mouse game of getting down to the bottom of what each of them want. No one is going to be that out and tell you that it's perfectly ok to piss on them in a bar. If you like dudes or you are fed up with women and want to try a dude, Craigslist seems to be the place to go.

I know it's not very practical advice for most because chances are that if you've dated women your entire dating life then you probably like women and think dudes are gross. This is the one chink in my advice armor. I couldn't do it but perhaps if you get desperate enough it might be the right way to go for you.

Special Edition of Love Advice with Dr. Sleepy: The Slut Conundrum

2012-09-20T14:22:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have been writing strictly about all things political and while I do enjoy it I don't think that all of my readers really want to hear me rant on and on about Romney. So in response to that I decided to write something more fun and do a brief return to the love advice column. This is a special edition though, I'm only addressing one question and it wasn't sent via e-mail but rather it was asked of me directly. I gave my advice to the guy but I wanted to recreate it for print because it was a fairly good conversation.

For dramatic purposes here is a recreation of the conundrum I was presented with from a fellow male:
Dustin, I've been dating a woman for the past year on and off. We've had our ups and downs and have even broken up a few times. During those times she was admittedly (when confronted) with other men...several of them. She has a very, what some would say, checkered past. I wouldn't call her a slut but let's say that she was generous with her vagina. She was unfaithful in nearly all of her past relationships and all of them ended miserably. She hits the clubs and the booze equally hard as often as possible. I know some shit has gone down resulting from those club incidents which is what split us up before. She has a child from a previous relationship that I've grown fond of and find myself taking care of a lot. Oh yeah, and we just had a baby together. So the question is, "Is this going to last?" and "How much of myself should I invest here?"

Well the great modern day poet, Ludacris, once put it so eloquently that "You can't turn a ho into a housewife, ho's don't act right". I know that the past is the past and many of us have done things in our life that we may not be proud of and can even become different people over a course of time. However, how far back must we go to consider something to be "in the past". Is it a year? Is it 6 months? Is it a couple of weeks? I don't have a definitive answer but if your girlfriend has been generous with her vagina with other guys while carrying your child in her belly then I find that hard to consider "in the past". Just because your lady friend hasn't banged a stranger in a few months doesn't mean she has changed, it simply means that she has temporarily stopped her behavior probably because she just had the baby and has to be home more often. Here is how I see it going for you if you stick around: You are already semi-attached to the one child and have one of your own now too. She will eventually take advantage of that notion. She'll start out slow by saying something like, "Oh I haven't been out in so long by myself, I would like just one night to go out. Would you care to watch the kids?" You, trying to be the understanding free-minded boyfriend, will hesitantly agree. You sit at home with the kids all night wondering what she might be doing. "Has she met an attractive stranger?" "How much has she had to drink?" She then comes stumbling home, kind of drunk, at around 4am. She doesn't want to answer questions or talk she says that she is "so tired" and just wants to take a shower and get in bed. The next morning you are stuck with getting up with the kids because she is too hungover and tired but you think to yourself, "Well, she deserved a night out. All of this baby stuff is stressful". You don't really discuss the previous night and you seemingly go on about your life with her but then the next week rolls around and she says that her friends are really wanting to have a "girl's night out" and asks if you would mind watching the kids again. You may grumble a bit but you agree. Same thing happens, she comes in a 4am, a little drunk, doesn't say much, and takes a shower. You start to get a litte suspicous and the next morning you try to talk to her about it. She gets angry and asks why you're so jealous and why don't you trust her. You point out to her some of the past transgressions and it blows up into a bigger fight. Things smoothe over eventually and perhaps she skips going out the next week to show you that she has changed, but then when things are going good again she tells you that she wants to hit the club with some friends, she may even invite you to come along, but oh wait, no one else can watch the kids. Sorry, I guess you'll need to stay at home with them, maybe next time. Now you are stuck, this is the cycle she is setting for you. She comes home once a week smelling like a bum's nutsack and shows up with smeared lipstick and mascara but you cannot dare ask questions.

You will become the beta-male to her. She will view you in the light that she can run all over you because this is her pattern. You've heard about it from her past relationships. You've seen it with your own eyes in your own relationship but now you are "staying for the kid". Don't do that! Be there for the kid, handle your responsibility, but you don't have to stay in a relationship where the woman is sharing her vagina with every stranger that tells her that she looks pretty. People do not change in a matter of a few months. You can't murder 10 people on a Wednesday and then say on a Friday that you are no longer a murder because you took Thursday off. The same principle here. If you stay and allow this pattern to happen you will look at yourself in the mirror in 5 years, see that you've wasted your primetime of life, see that you've not aged 5 years but more like 15 years, you'll have bags of sadness hanging below your eyes from the your incessant crying, you'll see the lines of anger burrowed permenantly across your forehead, and then you'll ask "What the hell have I done with my life? It's gone!!" You will know that in your heart that she isn't being faithful to you. You'll know that she has a guy or two on the side not because she is a typical woman but because of her past patterns. She'll want to keep you around not out of love but because you help take care of the kids, you provide for her, and your name is on the lease. You will notice as time goes by that the two of you are less intimate with each other. You might be having sex once or twice a month, at best, because she is getting her pleasure from all the strangers while you sit at home masturbating with your own tears.

Don't let this happen, get out now. You should've never done it anyway. You should've known better, but it's too late now, what's done is done but you can still leave. Sure you will forever have that connection of a child with her but you don't have to tie yourself to her as a mate. Maybe one day you can be friends, maybe not but either way take care of your responsibility and go out there and find some happiness. Do a better vetting process with the next girl. Don't pick up the next girl you meet at the bar or if you do, don't plan a relationship with her unless you want this same pattern to reoccur. Find someone who loves you, who is commited to you, who doesn't have a past filled with 100 one night stands and if she does make sure a sufficient amount of time has passed.

And another thing, this can go for women dating man-whores. Ladies, if you are dating a man who has been a serial-one-night offender and/or cheater, then you must leave immediately. If he has been out plowing through skanks while you sit at home pregnant or watching the kids in the past, then he probably still is or will again. Everything I said about the woman in the above paragraphs can be completely reversed and replace the male and female roles.

But then again, my friend, perhaps she has changed. Perhaps she is done with that crazy nightlife filled with strange men in seedy motel rooms with copious amounts of lube and methamphetamines. And perhaps a three-headed alien will fly down on a fire-breathing unicorn from Planet Kolob wearing the skin of a panda bear shouting racial slurs. It could happen.

Why Romney is Not the Answer: Part 2 - RomneyBot No Like Gay Marriage

2012-09-13T14:44:00.004-04:00

Many people are still on the fence about the upcoming election. Luckily for you, I am here. I want to guide you into making the right decision for you and your beliefs. I certainly won't tell you who to vote for. I simply want to get the facts out to my readers and the most efficient way to do it is to focus on one candidate at a time and as of right now, Mittens Romney is the target...err, I mean subject. In my previous post, (which you can find here) I explained Romney's position on medical marijuana. However, through careful research I actually learned more than just his position on keeping marijuana illegal but his support for dangerous synthetic marijuana known as "Spice" and his support and financial interest in addictive painkillers. But now it's time to move forward and learn more about our friend, Mittens. Let's see how he feels about homosexuals and their rights. Come on, it'll be fun!!

　

Unless you've been living in solitary confinement for the past couple of years, you know that the issue of gay marriage is a huge hot button topic for politicians to play with. Mittens is certainly no stranger to the notion of "playing" with the topic. Romney not only has played with the topic of gay rights but he has literally played the gay community. In 1994 when a young Romney was running for the Senate seat in Massachusetts, he seemed to be a Republican champion of gay rights. (I know it's a complete definition of oxymoron, right?) He wrote a letter to the Log Cabin Republicans outlining how important he believed gay rights to be and for proof here are some excerpts or for the full text click here :

As a result of our discussions and other interactions with gay and lesbian voters across the state, I am more convinced than ever that as we seek to establish full equality for America's gay and lesbian citizens

If we are to achieve the goals we share, we must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern.

I think the gay community needs more support from the Republican Party and I would be a voice in the Republican Party to foster anti-discrimination efforts

See? It's pink. How clever of Mittens.

Believe it or not, these are real things that Romney said. Allow me to blow your mind a little more. During the 2002 Pride Week gathering in Massachusetts, Romney's crew of propaganda spreaders passed out flyers in support of the gay community. Mittens played it to the gay community that he was truly for them and their rights to life, liberty, and a fabulous time. Now keep in mind, never in this time did he come out and say he was for or against gay marriage...exactly. He eluded to his oppositon of it a lot and was even okay with the whole civil ceremony thing and domestic partnership.

Now I've told you all this and I left it at that you would probably think, "Mittens seems to be okay with the gay community. What's you deal, Sleepy? Why are you picking on poor Mittens?" Well, because this position of good times and "full equality" didn't last. Surprise!!! A politician didn't keep his word!!

In a 2008 interview with Chris Matthews on his show "Hardball", Romney was asked where he stood on gay marriage and civil unions, an answer we all probably already knew but it was fun to ask. Romney's response was a little more than what was expected, "Well, I would rather have neither, to tell you the truth. I'd rather that domestic partner benefits, such as hospital - hospital visitation rights for same-sex couples. I don't want civil unions or gay marriage. But there is a difference, even when just the word is the difference. And the difference is that, if you indicate as a society that you're indifferent between a same-sex couple marrying and a heterosexual couple marrying, then it means our schools and other institutions are going to have to indicate that there is no difference whatsoever, and that obviously has societal consequences that are important." Wow!!! So now Romney is not only afraid of gays marrying, he's also afraid of them having a civil union. He's terrified that kids in school will be to dumb to understand and the underpaid teachers will not be able to articulate the difference between gay marriage and hetero-marriage. Oh dear God on planet Kolob, what will we do?!?!?

So obviously there was a shift in Romney's ideology or he was full of shit to begin with. How can one going from a champion of gay rights to a regular run of the mill, narrow-minded homophobe? Well, it's one of two things in my opinion. Number one, he never believed in gay rights to begin with and was only pandering to the homosexual community in Massachusetts. Or number two, he found out from the Supreme Overlords of the GOP that gay rights will not be tolerated if he wants to be president. I think it's probably a healthy dose of both. He has made sure to keep very consistent with his stance on gay marriage over the past few years...almost as if he is memorizing words from a script. "Marriage is between a man and a woman...I do not support gay marriage" He says these things in such a monotone, almost robotic manner it makes me question his humanity. If you listen or watch closely when Romney is introduced to a hot topic like gay marriage or marijuana laws, you can see him almost shift into Romney-bot mode. He is lost for his own words and reverts back to the GOP script handed to him by one of Dick Cheney's satanic minions. Here is a great example:

I'll let you catch your breath from the uncomfortable laughter that probably just spewed from your soul. Once Romney figured out the hard-grizzled veteran was a man-loving homosexual, he switched to Romney-bot mode. He restated his weak stance, smiled and walked away as quickly as possible. If you watched the video from the first Romney blog when he talked to the medical marijuana patient, you'll notice that he did the same exact thing.

It is clear that when it comes to any social issues that Romney does not have any clear personal opinions, he is strictly towing the GOP party line.

Ok, so I've presented a couple of examples and you're probably thinking, "So is that it?" Nope I wanted to share a quote from his failed 2008 Presidential bid too and see if you, dear reader, could take away what I did from it. "My view on marriage has been entirely consistent over my political career. And that is that I oppose same-sex marriage. I also oppose civil unions . . . ever since [same-sex marriage] became a prominent feature in my state, with the decision of the Supreme Judicial Court, I have taken every action that I could conceive of within the bounds of the law to defend traditional marriage and to stop same-sex marriage . . . I've been to Washington to testify in favor of traditional marriage. I've written a letter to every U.S. senator on the topic . . . I believe that traditional marriage is right for the nurturing and development of children"

To me it is always curious when I see such strong language used when opposing gay marriage. In his mini-tirade, Mittens states that he took every action that he could concieve to stop gay marriage. Now why is this? Well, I always like to fantasize that people who talk like that are hiding something. Is there some illicit past rendezous in Mitten's past that he is ashamed of? Is he scared that perhaps if gay marriage is enacted that he will be enticed to leave Mrs. Romney and marry Marcus Bachmann? Or as Joe Rogan has stated on his podcast before when talking about people like Romney or Santorum, that "maybe they are terrified that dicks are delicous"? I'm not sure but I would never fight an issue that had nothing to do with me.

I could understand if politicians were trying to ban free speech. If there was no free speech I certainly couldn't be doing what I'm doing here. I would be arrested and thrown into Guantanamo Bay. I would fight that tooth and nail. Or if a law was trying to get passed that had some deep-seeded issue that could really effect my soul like...well, I don't know because I'm pretty open about everything. That's why it is so curious to me why these politicians fight issues that in no way can personally effect or harm them or any of their followers. I'm kind of in line with Rogan on this one, perhaps they are scared that if homosexuality becomes too widely accepted that they will be enticed into succumbing to their desires and go down on the first man that they see.

Playing with Mittens: Romney's Word Salads

2012-09-08T19:01:00.000-04:00

I've scoured the internet for at least 10 to 15 minutes to find some great quotes from my personal antihero, Willie Mittens Romney, and then made them more fun with pictures....because, come on everyone loves pictures right?

From Great Leaders, we get great leadership
whatever that happens to be. What was it again?

Well of course they are, my best friends Mr.
Microsoft and Mrs. Halliburton hang all
the time

He knows exactly what the ladies need.
Plus he knows that we need a big increase
in our population...duh!!

I just love his compassion...he really gives a shit

These are the words that all great bosses live by

Ok, so he didn't directly say this, but he has
implied it with his continued support for
synthetic marijuana aka "Spice"
which has made people eat their dogs.

Lastly, my favorite...Mitten's greatest verbal achievement. A clusterfuck of words culminating in a nonsensical word salad

Why Romney is Not the Answer (part 1): Mittens & Marijuana

2012-08-22T02:44:00.000-04:00

I was asked recently who or how I was going to vote this coming November. I say asked but I feel it was along the lines of being baited. Although I disagree with a lot of what Obama has done in his 3 1/2 years in office, I certainly do not see Mittens Romney and Paul Ryan being the answer to any problems. If we were looking to compound problems then I would say "absolutely, these are the men for the job" but we are trying to look at making things better.

I believe that Obama, like many other 2 term presidents, will be more likely to make positive changes for the country in his 2nd term. I have a theory on this and yes it is ridiculous but stick with me (metaphors work, dammit). Obama went after the job of president, for what I believe, with the best intentions. He talked about "hope and change" and he seemed to be more of a "one-of-us" type presidents. He was charismatic and gave us all hope that a president was going to get in there and change the game. But then something happened, I believe when a newly elected president is put into office he is breifed on the fact that he is going to function as a puppethead with no real control over anything. He was taken to an underground bunker decorated with goatheads, illuminati imagery, and pentagrams made up of the limbs of virgins. In this bunker, he was seated at a long table constructed of the bones of fallen dictators and is introduced to strange shadowy figures in red robes sewn together with the ligaments and hairs of orphans. These figures were introduced to Obama, via an unseen ominous voice, as the Order of the Red Robes also known as the "real" leaders of the country. No names are exchanged but they are identified and called upon by type of business they run. There is the Red Robe of Big Pharma, the Red Robe of Big Tobacco, the Red Robe of the Military Industrial Complex, the Red Robe of Finance, and Dick Cheney. The Red Robes told Obama all the wishes that they had. They told him how he was going to advance their causes and continue filling their pockets just as Bush had done before him. When Obama refused, they directed his attention to the video screen that was showing a continous loop of the Zapruder film of the JFK assassination. "He refused us one time too many, Mr. Obama" said the Red Robe of the Military Industrial Complex. And with that Obama has been forced ever since to follow the wants and desires of all the corporate entities of America...or at least the ones with the most money. Obama the puppethead, however, will recieve a repreive if he pleases the Red Robes and be blessed with a victory in his reelection campaign. The reins will be loosened on Obama and he will actually be allowed to get the things done that he wanted all along.

And then again, that is probably all a bunch of bullshit. However, it's probably not too far off because never has it been more obvious that a president has no control as it has been with Obama. Most everything he has done since in office has been influenced by the corporations. Which brings me to this, if Obama was as independent and charasmatic as he was before taking office and seemingly uninfluenced by corporate greed, "What the hell would happen if a corporate whore like Romney took office?" He would greet the theoretical Order of the Red Robes as old friends. His interest is their interest. His beliefs are their beliefs. Romney and Ryan are dangerous and as long as they would play along in the corporate game, they would be allowed to play their own game with their own agendas. So even though I realize that who the President is doesn't matter due to the lobbyists and corporations playing the puppetmaster, I fear the social reprecussions of a possible Mittens' Regime. As always, I would never state an opinion without some backup support and good solid logic. I present to you Part 1 of 5 reasons (as dictated by me) NOT to vote for Mittens/Ryan 2012.

1. Romney has Blatantly Uninformed Views/Beliefs in Marijuana.

I know, I know. You're probably saying "typical hippie shit, he's going to talk about weed now". Well, yes and no. Watch the video I've posted here, I'll wait for you. Ok, did you watch it? Disgusting/hilarious right? First, he asks the guy if he has tried any of the synthetic marijuana, as if synthetics are a safe and viable option. If you don't know about synthetics please feel free to click here I'll wait again, because there is an obscene amount of articles just on this one legitimate news site about the dangers of synthetic marijuana. Did you read any of them? I hope you didn't just now, I would rather you read the rest of my article first but I insist you go back and read some of this later. For those uninformed about synthetics, let me explain. Perhaps many of you have heard of bath salts, well synthetic marijuana, often known as "spice" or "incense", is the smokable equivalent. Many users of synthetic marijuana have been hospitalized with psychosis. Did you hear about the guy who ate his 40 lb. dog ? Guess what? He had been smoking "Spice". So Mittens suggests to this already obvious sick young man that to allieviate his pain, perhaps he should smoke some shit that will make him want to eat a puppy. After the young man explains to him that it makes him sick and that marijuana is the ONLY medicine that works on his pain, Mittens simply replies "I don't support medical marijuana" and pulls the move of being "distracted" by another person. It's some of the grossest behavior I've seen exhibited by a politician.

It made me curious as to what Mittens' other thoughts might be on marijuana and here is what he had to say in a May 2012 interview with ABC.

"I believe marijuana should be illegal in our country. It is the pathway to drug usage by our society, which is a great scourge -- which is one of the great causes of crime in our cities. And I believe that we are at a state where, of course, we are very concerned about people who are suffering pain, and there are various means of providing pain management.....I'm told there is even a synthetic marijuana as well that is available. But having legalized marijuana, in my view, is an effort by a very committed few to try and get marijuana out into the public"

It's a long quote, I know, but there is that reference to synthetic marijuana again. Man he is really into that "Spice" huh? He also makes reference to other pain management sources. Would you like to know what the most popular medicines are for pain management? Hydrocodone, also known as Loratab or Vicodin, which just so happens to be the #1 prescribed medicine in America and also the #1 most abused prescription drug. Check out this Forbes article discussing the issue here. So Mittens would rather this young man take a highly addictive drug that is responsible for at least 400 deaths per year plus countless patients developing liver failure due to overuse while keeping in mind that marijuana contributes an average of 0 to 1 deaths per year and has no ill-effects on the mind nor the bodies' organs? Sounds a little illogical to me.

But why would Mittens be so against marijuana and so for prescription painkillers and synthetic marijuana? As far as Mittens' obsession with "Spice", I don't know. Perhaps he is ill-informed or perhaps he finds it hilarious when people eat puppies, who am I to say? As far as the prescription painkiller obsession goes, I can say something solid about that. Mittens is a savvy investor and money manager; this is well-known. Romney knows where to put his money (off-shore accounts for instance), in fact, he is a large investor in the company Watson Pharmaceuticals. Watson produces numerous beneficial medicines, but one of their most popular happens to be Loratab, which as we discussed a moment ago, is in the group of the #1 prescribed and abused drug in America. Could that be a possible motive for Mittens? Seems like it to me. The reason Romney would never approve medical marijuana is because it would interfere with his personal bottom-line. Not only that but the total amount of donations from big pharmaceutical companies such as Watson to the GOP has been nearly double than that donated to Democrats over the last 18 years. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2009/01/08/GR2009010800559.html) So I think it is safe to say that Romney is pretty dedicated to keeping his pharmaceutical buddies happy.

Marijuana poses a threat to painkillers. The studies of the positive effects of marijuana are numerous. Just check out www.imarijuana.com for proof. I know that the name of the site is a little shady and doesn't ring credibility but it is the easiest to navigate and it draws it's information from credible sources such as Harvard, the National Cancer Institute, and numerous respected doctors and scientists. I encourage anyone who reads this to do your own research on the subject, God knows I have, because I don't want people going forth in the world spouting out secondhand information. I want everyone to be informed and armed with knowledge. I'm not sure if Mittens is informed or not, but with his suggestions of the use of synthetic marijuana it leads me to believe he is a dipshit when it comes to these matters. Romney has no real concern for the American public when it comes to drugs, he has a selfish concern, but not an "overall-well-being" concern. If he truly cared then he wouldn't allow his bottomline and lobbying interests interfere. Hopefully one day he will take a logical look at studies conducted concerning marijuana and its benefits, but until then I guess he will keep going with promoting addictive prescription painkillers and puppy-eating synthetic marijuana. Please make sure to check out the rest of the series as it comes out. Also go like my page on Facebook and subscribe to this page as well. And hey, these advertisments are there for your pleasure.

A Christian Psychic in a Crystal Store Fortells My Demise

2012-07-06T17:45:00.000-04:00

This isn't quite an official part of my Travelouge, but rather a snipit from last night that was too good not to write about.

So last night Katie and I ventured our way through the desert to Palm Springs to see the giant Marylin Monroe statue. My hopes were to see if I could look up her dress and see the glory but alas it was nothing more than colorless concrete. (Does this mean that Ms. Monroe's lady garden was nothing glorious but rather a dry hard place forboding of all men?) It just so happened however that there was some sort of giant street fair going on all around the statue up and down the main strip of Palm Springs. We looked at it as a fortunate experience because we were in dire wanting some activity.

The street was lined with an assortment of people of all different sorts. Dolly Parton's methed-out twin sister sold me a necklace made of carved cow bones. A failed Romanian gymnast sold Katie some crab earrings and a cobra bracelet. An angry Armenian sold me the greatest pair of sunglasses ever (picture to come in the future when I'm at a computer that isn't from 1983). Two 6'3 drag queens roamed the streets soliciting people for pictures at $10 a pop. It was great, it was everything I wanted out of a California experience. Live music, "You Got Served" style dance-offs, and strange market foods abounded everywhere but one of the most unique experiences was yet to come.

As we made our way down the strip, we came across what I called a "Hippie Crystal Chakra Shop" which sold healing crystals, dreamcatchers, little Bhudda insence burners, tarot cards, unicorn meat, and every other sort of thing you would associate with crystal hippies. We went in because, although I don't believe in any of that nonsense, I still find it fascinating. In the middle of a store sat a bald man adorned in crystals and what looked like a discarded Guess shirt bought or found at a Goodwill store. He was advertised as a "Psychic as seen on TV". It didn't list what TV show he was on, but it also didn't discount the fact that it could've been on public access.

I don't put much, if any, faith in psychics. I find that they usually are just really good at reading people based on posture, facial expressions, and leading questions. Sometimes they get lucky and sometimes they are able to lead the follower into giving up all the information to make an informed decision. Katie wanted to see what he was all about. She begged for like 10 minutes and I finally said "Fine, see what he says." The guy worked off of "donations" so there was no set price for his services, so I figured what's the harm. We walked over to the little man after he had finished with what appeared to be a happy customer and Katie asked him for his services. He agreed but told me that I could not be present and that perhaps I should take a walk. I smiled, rolled my eyes and strolled around looking at all the self-help books and pictures of the Dhali Lama.

Katie sat with the man for about ten minutes and she came and found me when she was done. As she approached me it looked as if a ghost had just took a crap down her throat. "What?" I asked. She proceeded to tell me all that he fortold. He told her that she could ask him three things of her choosing and no more. It could be done in the form of a question or simply a name. Katie didn't want to give him too much to work with so she kept it simple and said, "My husband." The little man with the crystals and the Goodwill Guess shirt told her that I have cancer and that he regreted to tell her that I would not survive. Now this, I hate to admit, did kind of hit home because as some of you may know I've had cancer in the past and beat it and as it stands today, I'm awaiting some test results that will tell me if I have multiple myeloma which they suspect. I'm not worried about it because that is not really my nature but it does cross my mind and it worries Katie to death.

Katie was floored at this man's response about me and she said, "Holy f**king shit!!" He was taken aback by that and told her not to say that as he was a Christian and he promptly prayed her misgivings away before proceeding. She then asked about our children and somehow he nailed them down to a "t". He told their ages and even knew that our oldest child was her step-child. Pretty trippy stuff. He told her that they would be fine after I'm gone and that they would "get over it in time." She then asked about herself, would she be okay and would she be alone forever. The crystal Christian psychic man told her that she would feel near death after I died but would recover with the help of her father (whom she is very close to) and our children and would eventually be with someone who is already in our lives. Which my interpretation was that she was going to start dating one of my friends dammit!! Murphy is my one single friend so I guess that means, "Murphy, you better be good to my wife when you marry her after I die."

So Katie told me all of this through tears and confusion. I don't know what to really think of it so I've decided that I'm going to put this psychic to the test. Today I'm going back, dress in a nice button up shirt, not wear a hat, and just look totally different and see if I get the same fortelling. Katie will not be with me, of course, for I fear that it would be a dead give away. I will let everyone know by the end of the California day whether or not I'm going to die or not.

On the bright side of things, whether or not my prediciton of death holds up, I'll be going to the Comedy Store tonight to see two of my favorite comedians, Marc Maron and Sam Tripoli. I'll look at it as a nice dying wish or a good victory.

The Strange Travelogue of Sleepy, Day 3: Xanax and Conning your way to 1st Class

2012-07-02T04:07:00.002-04:00

If you are reading this then you already know that I'm in California and I'm attempting to document as much as possible through the blog, so this introduction is probably redundant.

When I last left you, dear reader, we had settled in to a "hooker-free" hotel much to the relief of my lovely wife. We settled into the Grand Plaza or something of that nature. The night was mainly spent not sleeping and worrying about whether we would wake up on time for our flight. Luckily for us, we spent the whole night sweating and lying awake so when 5:30 AM rolled around we were ready to go. We rushed out to meet the shuttle at 7:30 to make our flight and head to Hartsfield Jackson Airport.

I don't believe I mentioned this tidbit of information earlier but my wife is absolutely terrified of flying. It's not a small fear, it's more of a soul-crushing, tears flowing, vomit inducing fear. The moment that we stepped of the shuttle bus at the airport my wife went into full-blown panic mode. Thousands of people were rushing to their flights and to security with ease and confidence...not Katie. No, she was rushing to find where she had shoved her "flying pills" or as they are better known, Xanax. Before I tell you this might I say that if I took only one Xanax I would be completely incompacitated for the next 8 to 10 hours. I would be lying in a puddle of my own drool while being stepped over by all the other alert air travelers. Katie, my dear panicked wife, she pulls out not one but two Xanax's and throws them down her throat. Now take note that we have only arrived at the airport and there is still security to go through and the security line is seemingly a mile long.

As we are standing in line, the Xanax takes hold. Katie goes completely goofy-eyed. I spend the next 45 minutes nudging her along through security and apologizing for her complete lack of coordination. Luckily we make it through and get to our gate unscathed and undetained. I kept waiting for the hammer to fall and be yanked out of line for suspected human trafficking. I could just imagine the invasive full body search that awaited me and how no one would listen that I wasn't trying to smuggle my wife but that she was just really nervous and had taken too many "flying pills". But alas, I made it with my dignity in tact. I thought that we were homefree when we made it to our gate but I did not count on the fact that we would be flying across country with my in-laws. I can get along fine with them but Katie and her mother are a different story. They love each other like bin Laden loved America.

A verbal argument immediately ensued the moment that they saw each other. As their voices grew louder and the name calling got deeply more nasty, my fear once again grew of the TSA tackling one us and dragging us away to some dank room and stripping us naked. I've learned that in these situations that all I can do try to be a voice of reason, but if you know of anything dealing with in-laws and your spouse there is no reason or logic. Only my wife and her parents have the unique ability to argue while under the influence of a benzo. I finally got everyone involved to shut up and seperate. We would be sitting on the plane in two totally different sections and the worries should end there.

We boarded and found our cramped quarters in coach as the in-laws sat in First Class, which to my surprise wasn't all that great to begin with. The main difference in my opinion was the fact that two people sat to a row rather than three and the flight attendant seemed to care about their well-being a little more...oh that and free booze. Free booze would've been a God-send back in coach. I could not get my first nerve calming alcoholic beverage fast enough. My nerves weren't shot due to the anxiety of flight but rather the tension of witnessing a verbal assault and then trying to get three children settled in to their seats while finding all of their headsets and video games. As I was nervously awaiting a strong drink, I looked up to first class and noticed with envy that my mother in law was already sipping on her first Chardonnay. Damn you coach and your slow booze slinging flight attendants!! When I finally got a chance to order a drink I made sure to go ahead and make an "anticipatory order". God forbid I run out of alcohol and have to wait another 10 minutes. So I ordered some Merlot and three shooters of vodka, enough to last through the next 4 hours I hoped.

As I settled in with my first glass of wine, I felt that things were starting to calm down. I put my earbuds in to listen to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. I was set...until I looked over at my wife. Somehow she had turned an odd shade of green and was desperately looking for a "barf bag". As any good husband would do, I first pretended not to notice her and continued listening to my iPod and went to sleep. Ok, ok, I didn't do that. I tended to her needs and actually talked her mom into giving up her First Class seat to Katie so that she would have some more room to breathe. The combination of fear, anxiety, motion sickness, and "flying pills" I fear became too much for her to bear. She spent the next 3 1/2 hours puking with the First Classers while I sat crammed with my kids and a nice Asian man in coach.

I found later that she chilled out enough to stop being sick and was able to enjoy her flight. But I wonder now as I write this, "Was this just her big plot to be able to sit in First Class all along?" If so, may I just say, "Well done Katie, well done."

Check back tommorrow or later today for Part 2 of day 3 when we actually got to California and experienced the decadence of Hollywood.

The Strange Travelogue of Sleepy Day 1 & 2: A sea of Estrogen & the Fortelling of the Apocalypse in a McDonald's Bathroom

2012-07-01T03:36:00.002-04:00

As per the usual I'm off on a summer vacation with my wife and kids....and in-laws. I wanted to document the travels day by day and see how the weirdness stacks up.

California. A destination of dreams for me for pretty much the last 31 years of life and if you're counting that would mean basically since I came screaming out of my mother's stomach in 1981. Everything that I'm interested in and care about when it comes to entertainment and music comes from California. So it was to my absolute delight that I found that this years vacation would be to the glorious previously unvisited by me California.

A lot of build up has been leading to this trip, a lot of hassle, a lot of near cancelations, but come as of this past Thursday it was absolutely set into concrete with no turning back. To avoid extra money and hassle, my wife and I decided to fly from Atlanta instead of our home base "airport" of the Tri-Cities. Somehow it was an extra $300 per ticket to fly from there?!?! So on Thursday, after what seemed like 2 straight days of packing, we set out for the 4 hour drive to Atlanta where we were planning on staying with my mom who lives down there before flying out.

As with any good and proper road trip there are always fun little stories that happen along the way and this was one without exception. As we made our way into North Carolina we decided that we were hungry and stopped off at the fabulous McDonalds of whatever God-forsaken area we were in. I'm not a fan of the place but it was the only offer of any "food" substances within several miles. After choking down the chicken paste that had been formed into fun-sized nuggets, I made a trip to the bathroom to avoid any further unnecessary stops in our trip. My visist to this magical McDonald's made the entire drive worth it for me when I overheard the following exchange between two gentlemen around the age of dead dressed in what I figured was either their Sunday best or their Anticipatory Funeral Uniform.

Man #1: I tell you John, the end is drawing nigh for this whole world. I jest feel it.

Man #2 (John, I presume): No doubt brother, make no mistake about it. God has had about enough of this nonsense. I feel his holy wrath will be upon us any day now. We're living in a modern day Sodom and Gommorah.

Man #1: Yessir, did you see that girl at the register with her nose pierced and that tattoo on her arm? Looked like one of Satan's harlots if you ask me and you could see it in her, not one bit of shame in her heart for it. Ain't gonna be no pierced noses or tattoos in the heaven I'm goin' to.

John, I guess?: Amen brother, amen!! Well I guess I'll see you in church Sunday?

Man #1: You better believe it!!

It was all I could do to contain my laughter while hiding away in the stall listening to this exchange. Old people are hilarious. The way they think and judge people just tickles me with delight. I just hope the world doesn't end on them before they can meet up on Sunday again.

Anyway the rest of the drive to Georgia was pretty uneventful and we arrived at around 10:30pm that evening at my mom's house. Katie was not ready for sleep and I was up for whatever as well, our flight didn't leave until Saturday so we had all of Friday to rest and visit. So I did what any good and brave husband would do, I took Katie to the midnight opening of "Magic Mike" the Channing Tatum/Matthew McCounaghey stripper movie. For some reason she has a thing for men with perfectly chiseled bodies that can dance, which does leave some concern for me since I can't dance.

Anyway we got the tickets and the theater was packed for the grand premiere of this movie. I didn't mind to see it because I heard that it at least had a story line worthy of not falling asleep to. When we arrived it was a pure sea of estrogen, nothing but wall to wall teenage to middle age girls and women all excited and squealing. I knew this was coming but I love my wife lady and didn't mind. When we made it to our seat I decided to do a "man" head count. By my scientific count, including myself, there was a total of 8 men in the entire theater of roughly 342. Eight!! And of that eight, I was fairly sure that at least four of them were there for the same reason Katie and the other 334 females were there for...Tanning Chatum (yes I know it's wrong but no one ever corrects me when I say it out loud and it's funny to hear women agree with me). The movie, suprisingly enough, was pretty good. It wasn't completely about well built men shaking their balls in women's faces, it wasn't all about younger men dry humping questionably attractive women on stage, no there was more to it. No the two stars of the show for me where the vomit eating pig and the pot dealer who (unseen in the film) that apparently kept McCounaghey high as a kite throughout the entire movie to the point where he had trouble stringing together more than one coherent sentence at a time.

I was glad to say that I felt that 90% of the women who attended this premeire left unsatisfied. They never got to see Tanning Chatum's frank and beans, it was kind of a weird artsy film, and there was a big shot of McCounaghey's backsack. An audible groan eminated the entire theater when it simply ended without resolution while the loan sound of laughter came roaring out of me followed by many dirty looks from teenage girls who snuck in.

We went back to my mom's house in the suburbs after that at about 2:30 in the morning and prepared for our ultimate departure on Saturday. If anyone has ever flew out of Atlanta, they can tell you that getting to and parking at that airport can be a nightmare that not too many people would dare choose to inflict upon themselves. We were trying to figure every which way out of it that we could and finally my dad offered to the solution of staying at a hotel near the airport and just riding the shuttle into the airport directly. Great idea, right? In theory yes.

In case you didn't know, dear reader, that airport hotels are made for two things: travelers and hookers. Hooker's love to stay at these hotels because the theory is that most of these travelers are lonely businessmen traveling around the country in need of some no strings attached loving. My dad is a frequent traveler but didn't really know about this particular hotel that he booked for us. As we were driving to the airport, we crossed a bridge and noticed a very attractive girl with her skirt hiked up above her ass with a man digging his hands into it. "Ahh, don't worry Katie. It's just a hooker." I told my wife. Well, upon arriving at the Hampton Inn we discovered that it was more along the lines of Hooker Inn. I was almost immediately accosted by a larger, unattractive woman of undetermined race/ethnicity and told that I could have her for the price of a mere $200. I explained in the kindest of words, no. Katie must have heard this same woman as she was waiting for me in the car as she explaining aloud to her friends, "I'mma bout to go pop my thing up in Room 408 and gets me about $200 tonight, girl" This was all that Katie needed to hear. As I was inside checking in, I was unaware that Katie was on her cell phone making other plans at a nicer hotel. By the time I got to the car, it was done. No more Hooker Inn, we were off to the Grande Plaze which we were guaranteed was "Hooker-Free".

Check in tommorrow for the next installment where I'll tell you about the Airport Hell, Xanax Flight Assistant, and finally cruising Hollywood.