Here’s a round-up of resources that take on relationships issues with thoughtfulness and perspective that I can relate to.

To the blog-o-sphere!

Disclaimer: I’m highly opinionated, especially when it comes to this topic. There are lots of blogs out there, but these are the ones whose authors’ approaches most jive with me.

Journals of a Polyamorous Triad. Written by the members of an established, live-together triad. They’re mature and down-to-earth, with just a little dry humor.

The Polyamorous Misanthrope A former member of a now-disbanded group marriage, she’s been at this a long time. I cannot help but love her tagline: “Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness.”

Not Just Happenstance A twenty-something medical resident, moving to the Northwest talks about her intentional foray into polyamory. I’m really interested to follow her story!

Solo Poly She’s a long-time poly person, writing about being without a primary partner. She’s smart, and has good insight into a variety of situations.

Welcome to Polyville A first-person account, with less emphasis on theory and more on practice. I haven’t read much of this blog, but I like her writing style (an important start).

What about a book?

Opening Up We’ve bought this book multiple times, because we lend it frequently, and it doesn’t always come back. This is my number one reference. A wide variety of real people talk about their actual relationships. It’s good.

Some things I’m looking into:

I’m working on catching up on the books that old-school open-relationship practitioners have been reading for a long time. I’ve just started Stranger In A Strange Land.
I’m catching up on the archives of More Than Two.

Do you have additions you’d like to suggest for this list? Or things you think I should be reading? Chime in in the comments!

image credit: Maarten Takens

Okay, you knew that it was going to happen eventually. Today is the day. In any ongoing discussion of love, eventually the topic of sex has to come up. So, this is your warning: I’m going to say some explicit “poop.”

If you’ve met me or Rose in real life, or if you have been reading any of our writing for a period of time, you probably guessed that we are sex positive. To us, being sex positive means accepting that each individual gets to choose their own relationship with sex. Sex is fun. We believe that it should be consensual and sane, and beyond that, no one should tell you how to do it.

What do I mean by “consensual and sane?” Well, if you like having sex with strangers on a train on your way to work, that’s fine. If you like dressing up like a baby when you’re at home, fill your boot. If you like tying your partner up, that’s cool. However, if you like dressing up like a baby and tying up strangers on the train… I’m going to tell you that that’s not okay. Now you can argue that this isn’t really insane, but you can’t argue that it probably isn’t consensual — and in the end that is one of the most important issues. There must be consent in sex.

Before I get to my next point I want you to understand that when I say “sex” I don’t just mean “penetration.” There is much more to sex than putting a penis (or fingers) in a vagina, or tongues in places they don’t want to talk about. When Rose and I talk about sex in this blog, we mean any consensual act intended to cause physical gratification to a partner.

Okay now I want to talk to you about Danny Brown.

Picture a small club in Minneapolis. A rapper is on stage, there are a few hundred people in the room; the stage is only a few feet tall and directly in front of the crowd. During one of the songs, a young white woman pulls down the pants of the black rapper and attempts to perform oral sex on him. Without interrupting his set, Danny Brown stepped away.

For the last several days people have been discussing this incident. Danny and his tour mates call it “the thing,” some people call it a perverted stage show, I call it sexual assault. One of Danny’s friends, Kitty Pryde, tells the story from her view in Vice magazine. The Huffington Post and NPR both discuss what the significance of this event is in asking questions about cultural context, Danny’s reaction, and legal implications.

For me this incident breaks one of the central tenets of acceptable sex: it was not consensual.

In many of the comments sections across the Internet, people have brought up whether or not Danny enjoyed the act, but I don’t think that matters. Enjoyment does not equal consent. Danny Brown did not say yes to this woman, Danny Brown did not allow her to continue, Danny Brown was not given a choice. For that matter, neither was the audience, people who paid to see a musical performance, not a sex act. The woman in question has committed an act that is disrespectful not only of Danny Brown, but also all the other people who were in the audience.

I will reiterate: I like sex, I think you should be able to have sex in any way that you choose, but I do not think that you should ever be allowed to or condone having sex with someone against their will. To that end I would like to remind people: silence is not consent, enjoyment is not consent, and failure to press legal charges is not in any way a form of consent. I think you have every right in America to pursue what makes you happy, but please don’t trample on other people’s happiness.

Image courtesy rthakrar

It feels weird to start another post of the subject of hobbies, but dudes, they’re important.

We’re at the point of really refining what gets to come with us in the Chinook, and it’s not going to be a whole lot. One thing that IS coming, though, is the Art Box. (Other Boxes of note: Dog Box, Tool Box, Office Box.) At first glance, I think the Art Box seems frivolous, like there’s something more important that could go into the space that it’ll take up.

But the thing is this: Art is important. It’s important culturally, and individually. I can’t thrive when I feel like I don’t produce anything. Working on creative projects helps keep the brain flexible, in the same way that riding a bike makes the body better able to do the work of carrying a baby.

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” I always read this as meaning that Jack was dull to be around; that having no fun outside of work meant that Jack couldn’t relate to other people. I still think that’s true, but it’s not the whole meaning. All work and no play makes Jack less sharp, less shiny, less bright.

I think that people who make a craft (rather than a “fine art”) as their creative output get a little more leeway from the judgment that “art’s not important.” My friend’s dad is a recreational cabinet maker; another friend has gotten deep into tailoring her own clothes; occasionally I finish a knitting project. These creative outputs tell other people that we’re “doing something” when we’re doing something creative.

Lately I’ve gotten into the habit of waking up on Saturday morning and putting on my trail boss pants, driving the men of the house outside to work in the yard. Part of it is necessity – five adults in one house gets to be overwhelming, and making the backyard habitable relieves some of the pressure of close quarters. It’s practical, too, beyond just necessary: clearing the ivy from the broken fence so it can be replaced, taking last years fallen leaves to the compost, reducing the number of hazards to both children and unprotected feet. But even beyond that, I do it because it enables me to force them to work on something good.

After days of hauling out leaves and unneeded branches and that stupid ivy, I dragged my dad out there after work one evening. “Come to the yard and let’s talk about your trees.”

“I don’t want to talk about the trees!” he said, as if that were even remotely true. But it didn’t matter, really. The trees are there because he planted them, because he needed them, and they still need him. So I dragged him out (that may be a little melodramatic, yes), and made him spend a few quiet minutes discovering what the yard has been up to while he’s been busy elsewhere. I showed him the tiny, perfect red maple seedlings hiding under the crab apple (RIP, crab apple). We talked about the trees after all.

I do the same thing to Joe – I drag him out of the house, into the sunshine, into the yard where he gets to climb and destroy things and find weird shaped pieces of wood. I drag him outside because it’s really hard to force someone to paint, but it’s easy to say “I need you to help me with some work.” “Come keep me company while I clean the garage, and oh, incidentally, let’s talk about art projects!”

I don’t think of myself as an artist, particularly not a good one, but I love nourishing the artist in other people. During an argument with Carlos, I told him, “What I want is for you to finish the ukulele you’re building me!” It wasn’t because I need that ukulele, but because I want him to spend time making art.

I want all of us to spend time making art, in ways that are appropriate to ourselves. We cannot go live our life on the road without bringing with us the tools to improve and maintain our souls. So we’ll bring fewer pairs of shoes or whatever, and make a little extra room for the screenprinting gear. It’s a trade that is entirely worth it to me.

Apropos: As I was writing this, a smart friend shared this video. I LOVE IT!

Watch Mayim Bialik: Blossoming To Science on PBS. See more from Secret Life of Scientists.

Oh, hey, it’s Thursday already?

Time really flies when you’re… well, hiding, I guess.

This week, I fell down, metaphorically speaking. I over-extended myself last weekend, somewhat unavoidably. I guess I could have skipped the part where some people came over to watch UFC 159, with us, but honestly, that social time was really important. It came in the middle of kind of a rough patch for my general functionality, and that’s where the problem arose. I didn’t feel good. Things were just kind of rough, for no real reason. (It’s been super windy here, which grates on me, but that’s not really a reason.) That’s fine – these things happen. What wasn’t fine, though, was how I dealt with it, or rather, didn’t.

Instead of saying, “Hey guys, my shit is weird,” I kind of just went into hiding. Because I hate saying “my shit is weird.” It’s exhausting, and makes me feel like I’m broken, especially when my shit breaks down at a bad time. Doubly so when there’s no good reason for it. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for a long, long time; long enough that I know some things about it, and how it works in me. But even knowing that isn’t always enough to keep me from falling into its traps.

I am a person who holds myself to high standards, much higher than I expect of anyone else. I’m infinitely more kind and understanding of other people’s struggles, even though I know better. Not only do I know better, I have practices in place to help me remember to be better to myself. But I still feel like a shitty failure of a human being when I get tangled up in my own stupid depression.

Now, all this is pretty harsh, and I should say, it’s really not as bad as it sounds, I think. This week was a little stumble. It was something I could have (and should have) been able to see coming. And while I just used the phrase “shitty failure of a human being,” I mostly don’t feel that way this time around. I’m frustrated with myself, and angry, but this is far, FAR from the worst it’s been, even recently.

I hate to be that blogger who writes a “so sorry I haven’t been around” post, but here I am. You’re my team, and went off the rails, and I’m sorry. Today I’m doing some stuff to take care of me, including, hopefully, scouring the last of the icky stuff from inside the Chinook so we can start rebuilding the interior. And getting a serious massage, for this first time in a million years.

While I’m doing that, why don’t you enjoy this Janelle Monae video:

I want to give you a quick warning that this may get weird for those of you who don’t like history or philosophy of faith, but bare with me (pun fully intended).

Those of you who have had in-person conversations with me have probably heard these words come out of my mouth, “People like naming things. It is what we do well, it helps us understand.” I think that you have to be respectful of peoples’ names for themselves. If you have had a private, perhaps late-night or intoxicated, conversation with me you may have heard me say something like: “Naming a thing is not the same as knowing it,” or, “You can’t name a path that you are on.”

Part of this view comes from my understanding of the universe around me. That understanding is very influenced by the Tao Te Ching, particularly the day that I read, “You cannot push a river.” I won’t get into the evolution of what that means inside of my head; instead I will tell you what that means to me in thinking about my own name.

My name is Carlos Durant del Rio. That means (roughly): Man Enduring of the River or Strong Endurance of the River.

Depending on the day, I have distinctly different feelings about the river, but I can’t really escape it. That has been in many ways how I have seen my life–surviving or persevering through life. Both my dad and my granddad had the same name: Guardian (Protector) of the River. It’s kind of like Granddad passed his job on to his son. And, in turn, my dad gave me the job of trying to be part of the river.

Days went by, as they are so wont to do, and I met (and much later) married Rose. When she decided to take my name it had a great deal of symbolism for me, like she was committing to get in the river with me. So, get this, her name now means Little Apple Flower of the River. At this point you may be saying “Shut the fridge-door!” No, really, that is her name–she was sort of pre-made to be the little thing that makes the river less terrible.

But, wait there’s more!

I kinda knew exactly what I wanted to name our baby, like immediately, well before we decided to get married I knew I would name my son Rockford. Somewhere in my heart, I knew what I wanted to pass on, what I wanted the next step to be.

We named our son Rockford Jay del Rio. Jay has a variety of meanings, depending on the line you trace, but if I can pass any of them on I will be happy.

Rockford Jay del Rio == (Victorious/Happy/Swift) Rock Crossing of the River.

Okay, the woo-woo stuff is over now. Here comes the big finish…

There is power in naming. Neighbor, Friend, Lover, Family, ‘Ohana, Child, Mentor, you get it (I hope). One of the key components of communication is clarity, and love needs communication. You should give your love a name to give it power.

You guys, my life is really weird.

Yesterday I edited a post of Carlos’s, and realized that there’s a piece of information in there that I actively fought against people knowing for literally years of my life. And there it is, just another fact in a story he’s telling, and I’m fine with it.

Last night, my body hit the point of rebellion against my recent lack of activity. But my bike light is broken, and I just can’t get my shit together to get back on two wheels (even though I miss it IN MY BOOOOONNNNNEEES!, as a friend used to say). So I got up on the treadmill, and ran. Yes, you read that right. I ran, outside of an airport, voluntarily. Not exactly recreationally, but close. And perhaps the oddest thing about that is that I changed the speed part way through, because I wasn’t running fast enough.

Now I’m writing about a life I never would have imagined myself living, while my kiddo sleeps in my lap, clutching his wooden spoon for dear life. Every year we go through a period of being ridiculously busy, usually in the summer, and just now I’m looking at our schedule for a couple weeks in June and July and realizing that it’s just around the corner. And realizing how many people I need to make plans with, like, yesterday.

I get caught up in the day-to-day business of doing my life, and I forget how deeply, truly, amazingly special the life I get to live is. Now to pry myself out from under my beautiful, perfectly snoring child and get back to it. I cannot wait to get to see you all soon!

The schedule, so far:

May 25-27, Seattle? It’s our anniversary! Three years of legal bondage and shouting “del Rio!” across the house at one another. I think we should be in Seattle for this, but it’s still up in the air. It’s Memorial Day weekend – What fun thing will you be doing?

June 12-16 +/- some extra days, Portland, OR – We have a reunion here, and a baby shower. We have lots of Portlanders to catch up with. Please let us know if you’re one of them.

June 30 – July 7, Lake Tahoe. Family reunion. Expect drunkenness, and tales of children harassing one another, across the generations. I lost count of the babies. Three? Five? A bunch. My siblings will be reunited on their shared birthday for the first time as adults. Shit is going to get real.

July and August: Boise, Steamboat Springs, Iowa City, Chicago, Detroit, Toronto, New York, Baltimore. Ambitious, and subject to change.

August 30-Sept 1, Washington DC. This may be our only wedding of the year. I believe it may be baseball-themed. Joyous hilarity should ensue.

September to ??, The reverse of July and August, only across the southern US. Austin, Memphis?, Patagonia, Long Beach, Orlando?. This agenda is still really rough.

Did we miss you on our agenda? Here’s what it (kind of) looks like so far:

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I have found myself a little behind on writing, and I realized that it’s because my brain is in a dozen other places, caught up in tasks that will absolutely warrant some posts of their own, just as soon as I’m caught up with actually doing them.

So, then, what are we working on this week?

Rose:

• Versatility – This weekend I finished a knitting project I started in 2008. Now I have to block it and attach buttons.
• Van interior floorplan – The insides are now fully demolished, and it’s time to start putting it back together.
• Stuff-purging – There’s a garage sale in our future, right after I get through the last 6 boxes in the pile.
• Making real food for a foodie baby – This week he figured out that we’re eating better food than he is. Time to remedy that.

Carlos:

• Van water and power – The scale of our tear-out has created the opportunity to bring these things into the 21st century
• A major dump run! – So. Much. Trash. Not to mention the entire crabapple tree that Joe took down over the weekend.

Rockford:

• Walking with assistance – Less and less assistance every day!
• Differentiating singing from screaming (hurray!) – And yes, really singing, and telling us things, not just squawking. So cool.
• Swimming – He’s always liked the water, and now he’s figured out that he can move around in it on his own. We’re in for trouble.

All of this, of course, is in addition to the actual work that we have to do, and doesn’t include the things that are just unadulterated distraction, catching my attention and getting me off track. What are you working on, when you’re not working on work? What’s getting your attention?

You know that old saying about what happens when we assume; we make an ass out of u and me! Except, when it comes to relationships, it’s not so much “make an ass” as “make a mess.” Perhaps the most basic assumption we make is that we know how to talk to people.

The truth, though, can be a little more complicated. Even with the person I talk to most, I still run into places where my skills need sharpening, and where we have to work together to find tools that work to keep both of us on the same page. Over time, Carlos and I have come to a series of agreements about how we handle ourselves in substantive conversations.

• Assume best intentions. We have a partnership; the end goal is always to make things better, for ourselves, our kid, our marriage, the people around us. We’re human and we make mistakes, but we don’t work to actively hurt one another. Even when what we’re talking about isn’t “an important issue,” we still try to work under the assumption that the goal is better understanding, not just arguing.
• We are on the same team. When we sit down to work out an issue, we make an effort to remember that we are working together. It’s not about winning, or proving a point. The purpose is to work out an issue together. Yes, we get into knitty-gritty stuff, and it’s hard. It can be especially hard when the issue at hand is something that one of us is doing; it can be easy to feel personally defensive. In this case, it’s good to remember that it’s being discussed because we care about one another; we’d probably let it slide if we weren’t committed to making our partnership work.
• A person’s feelings are not up for debate. When someone says they have a feeling, that is to be taken as an inarguable fact. What is done with that feeling is a different matter. Actions can be right or wrong, good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate. How we feel is not to be argued with, or asked to change. It’s fair to say “I don’t understand that feeling,” or to ask for more explanation. We’re not always going to understand what’s at the root of feelings, but talking about them can give us insight. And then we can talk about actions.
• Keep it relevant. Talk about the issue at hand. Don’t change the subject or look for a place where you can “gain back ground” by being right. On this note: don’t make personal attacks, or bring up “old shit.” If something comes up that needs another discussion, set aside some time for it.
• Be aware of yourself. Learn to read your own physical state, and how it can affect your communication. Body language, facial expressions, even breathing can be a signal. Sometimes, they’re saying more to your partner than they are to you. Learn to take a moment to check your own state – maybe you didn’t realize that you were making a face that looks like a scowl, or that your voice was rising in volume. Taking a moment to calm your breathing or slow down can be give the conversation a minute to relax as well.
• Know when to take a break. Some conversations just aren’t going anywhere. It’s ok to take a short break, or a long one. When discussing an “important issue” with a partner, walking away forever is not a good option, but taking a step back can make a huge difference. Have a specific place, outlet, or time. For example: walk different directions around the block, go to different rooms for 5 minutes, or do some dishes–something that enforces separation and has a clear return point. Come back together and leave the petty stuff behind.
• Say what you mean. This can take practice. You’re going to say the wrong thing sometimes, and that creates an opportunity to be better the next time. You can practice on your own, or with a third party. Say it outloud, so you can hear it. Write it down before you bring it up. I know I can get caught up in my head, and wrong ideas start making sense. Get some sunshine on them.
• Examine your own position. If something is a hot button issue for you, try to understand why. It’s better for you and your conversation partners if you know where you’re coming from, and spending time examining your own beliefs will make you better able to articulate them, and to choose which ones are actually of use to you.
• Be aware of your audience. Think about who you’re talking to, what you know about them, how your interactions with them have gone in the past. If you want to make actual progress, keep your conversational partner in mind when putting your thoughts into words. If you’re just looking for someone to yell at, try not to aim it at your partner.

Of course, neither of us always lives up to the standards that we shoot for, but that doesn’t mean that the goal is any less worthy. When we talk to people outside our relationship, these same guidelines apply. Conversation and learning are good, arguing for no reason is not. Unless given reason to do otherwise, we assume that people are coming to a conversation with good intentions, and we treat them with respect. My goal is still to work toward making things better, to find common ground and create more space for love.

photo credit: sachmanns.dk

Today is gratuitous baby picture day here in delRioLand. These are my favorites from last week, when we used a stock pot to help teach him to balance while standing.

I thought it would be nice to do a little round up of some of the tools that we find useful on a pretty regular basis. Some of these are every day tools, some are things we’re still trying out, or that have been useful in the past but maybe not right now. It is in no way comprehensive. These are mostly focused on keeping shit in order, one way or another.

Superbetter You’re a hero, recovering from an illness or injury. Build a network of friends who help support you on your journey to conquer bad guys and get better!
unfuck your habitat “Terrifying motivation for lazy people with messy homes,” pretty much sums it up. Except it’s really not bad. Realistic goals, accountability, and support, proving that yes, we can all take better care of our spaces.
monthlyinfo No-frills online menstrual cycle tracking, with customizable email alerts. I get one that says “your period is coming, be nice!” and Carlos gets one that says “Throw shiny things at Rose!”
epic win Make your to do list an RPG. You set your own goals, and make progress by taking care of business.
sleep cycle Everything is better when you’re sleeping well. I swear it to you. Sleep cycle is a phone-based app that tracks your sleep pattern and wakes you at the optimal point in your cycle.
Donna This is not yet publicly available, but Carlos has signed up for the beta. It looks cool!
Astrid Another to-do list tool! But this one lets you team up, delegate, send email to-dos, and it has a cute octopus mascot.
google calendar Sometimes you need to set aside time in a hardcore way. Want to make sure that you’ll actually meditate on a certain day? Schedule that shit! Spouse time: put it in the calendar! Having the ability to create events on one another’s calendars is really useful for Carlos and I, because it allows us to help keep each other on the right track. I can make an appointment for him, set up email reminders, and never have to (even kind of) nag him. And he can do the same for me. Brilliant.