G's Cottage

The end is coming; time to review

2010-11-19T11:27:00.003-05:00

Next week is Thanksgiving and the start of the countdown to the end of 2010. What has the year brought for you? For me this has been the best of years and the worst of years. And while I already know that I have missed some benchmarks set out at the beginning of the year many of those were replaced or overwritten by unforeseeable new goals.

It's that time of year when I start looking over my goals and dreams, see what has worked and what hasn't. And then I start developing my plans for the coming year. I will also be looking for and selecting my word for next year.

If you have an end of the year review practice how did you develop it and how complex is it. My own is fairly simple in design but that doesn't mean it's always simple to work through. I will post my review some time in the next few weeks; until then it will be a busy time.

Deb

Commit to Nonviolent Communication

2010-09-17T14:56:00.002-04:00

Recently I had a kind of back-row seat to a neighborhood relationship altercation that ended in shots fired. Deborah Tannen is quoted in Eat, Pray, Love (Gilbert) as saying that much of the angst and conflict in the world revolves around two issues:“…how much do you love me; and, who’s in charge.” That applies to not only wars and social conflicts but especially to our most intimate relationships with our partners and families.

Not all family or relationship violence is physical; meaning that not every victim of a violent relationship is hit, beaten, stabbed or raped, or has the physical scars to prove it.

Do you know someone whose spouse, partner, or another person in their life is inflicting abuse through constant hurtful words, like derogatory statements or always has to be right, or some other form of emotional intimidation or control?

The abuser often convinces the victim that they can’t leave or things will get worse; but too often things get worse if they stay and they lose their outside support network. Violent communication is too often the tip of the problem. If the verbally or emotionally abusive partner will not commit to practicing nonviolent communication they may not keep any other promises either.

So, does the person you’re thinking of know they can choose to exit the situation; to just let it go? You can’t make someone leave who chooses to stay, but many don’t know they don’t have to stay.

Broken promises can pave the road to shattered lives.

Link:

Family Violence Prevention

Life Experiments 90 day update

2010-09-02T17:19:00.003-04:00

In January I wrote about Adam Bacon’s idea of life experiments but I didn’t start working on this idea as my own process for moving into my life going forward until late in May. So this is roughly my 90 day update on my experiment with Life Experiments.

The most important thing about the experiment so far has been letting go of over-analysis and moving to do and ship (if you read Seth Godin he phrases it as “make art and ship”). Everything changes when the question moves from “what can I do?” to “what will I ship?” If you don’t believe it, try it for a week.

So far this summer I have shipped stuff as in cleared out stuff which I can’t use and can’t be sold; and sold stuff I have no storage space for. I have been shipping for my nonprofit group by taking over the formal publicity and building connections with various media outlets. I shipped myself by taking a workshop in writing and art. I shipped my car to a new owner and am currently experimenting with not owning a car in an area where there are very few transportation alternatives for those who either do not drive or do not own motor vehicles although I do have the advantage of owning a bike.

My objectives for all this experimenting are multifaceted. First, I am trying to find out who the real me is and what do I need to frame that definition. In other words, do I define my things or do they define me?

Second, I am trying to figure out what my working life looks like and how do I invest my available time in order to get my work done? This also includes experimenting with various times of day as well as tools and media to get work done as effectively and efficiently as possible.

Third, I am experimenting with relationships and human connections. One thing the past almost three years of disassembling my former life illuminated has been how weird I have approached just being friends with people. No doubt you have heard the term shrinking woman or shrinking American woman; well, my rendition went beyond taking up the smallest relational space possible to taking none as though I weren’t even in the room.

Actually I have discovered that in general I rarely mattered in the past, unless there was a problem needing to be assigned blame somewhere. So I am experimenting with not automatically assuming blame or guilt when something goes wrong, or not as planned or preferred. The weight that this alone lifts from my shoulders makes the whole experiments project worthwhile even if I never ship another thing in my life (but I have no plans to stop shipping).

If you have a personal story about a life experiment how is it coming along?

Links:

What Matters Now

How much is a paid-for car costing to drive?

2010-08-11T18:28:00.004-04:00

Maybe you read Tammy Strobel's story yesterday about giving away her stuff? Okay, some of it was sold but a lot of it she and her husband gave away.

Over the past year I have posted occasionally about downsizing to a one bedroom apartment, using my bike whenever possible, and cooking my own convenience foods from scratch.

While I haven't posted here about it I have been considering whether I could manage without a car for at least a while. One issue is that there is not public transit in the area but there are some small taxi services and really I am close to most of the places I need to go to take care of my personal affairs and business stuff.

But for what it would save on insuring and feeding the car I think I could get basic internet at home and pay for the truly unavoidable rides plus the cash from the sale would boost my emergency fund. This is still in the research and decision process but more and more it seems to make sense for the short-term.

If anybody has given up owning a private car; share how you came to a decision and how it worked out for you.

When the miracle becomes a curse

2010-08-04T16:12:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, technology is a miracle that we wonder how we ever got along without.

Today is not one of those times. All the stuff I brought from home to do online is not cooperating with any systems.

Maybe it isn't quite a curse; but it feels like one, Hope your day is going better.

Have you checked your credit report?

2010-07-28T15:54:00.004-04:00

In spite of the media being overwhelmed with private ads and public service announcements about checking our credit reports we still put it off, and keep putting it off, until something disastrous happens or seems to have happened.

For the most part it seems that people regard checking their credit report in a similar vein with getting their teeth cleaned: a necessary evil. There are probably too many reasons why this is the case to list in one post so we’ll just gloss over the topic by saying that most of us fear the worst even when we’re fairly certain everything is okay. But finding out early there’s a problem brewing would be really helpful; and yet, we don’t want to know, we don’t want to deal with it.

While this is free – be sure you go to the correct site and not a private or spam site – it takes a chunk of time online and the right information to get access to your annual credit report. You need to know account numbers and names of the reporting events and sometimes payments or balances, some of these include closed accounts; so get your stuff together first and then find an uninterrupted block of time at a secure broadband connection where you have printer access.

At the site you can request one or all three agency reports. There are also instructions for submitting disputes and clarifying statements to the agencies. If an agency can’t satisfactorily confirm you are who you present yourself to be, you may have to print a mail-in form to receive a hard copy; and follow the submission document requirements for the hard copy.

See, it’s not that hard; just a minor blip in your day to put your mind at ease. And once you have those reports and have read them be sure to file them in a secure location for future reference and comparison.

And in the interest of full disclosure, I had been stalling on getting this year's version until a very creepy spam email crossed my path. All was well, but all the same don't wait for trouble.

How is this a gift?

2010-07-21T13:52:00.003-04:00

When times or circumstances are tough the typical response from outsiders and observers runs along the lines of:

It will make you stronger…

Or, there must be some lesson for you….

Or, the especially devious, you must have to make up for some shortcoming…

Lately a new idea circulating is to look at the situation not just as a loss but maybe there is a gain. That idea has some merit but it is difficult to look through or past the pain of the loss to find the gain at least too close to the losses.

But over the past few days a different idea has been poking at my thoughts. What if this time is a gift?

Time being the gift.

Can we graciously accept and use the time as something intended to bring joy and pleasure to life? If someone gave us a gift wrapped in a box with a bow we would rip it open anxious to see the contents. And once seeing it we would take it out, show it off, and start enjoying it right away.

But instead, mostly by default, we dribble the time away by worrying…about things we have no control over; but it feels like we should have control over.

What are you going to do with your gift of time? How will you spend and invest it to enhance your life instead of framing it as an issue for guilt or, worse, discontent? It’s mostly about the choice.

My own experience with Making Space for Something to Happen

2010-07-14T14:33:00.002-04:00

Note: Last week Havi wrote about making space for things to happen and that piece has heavily inspired this post.

I took an all day workshop led by Julie Zickefoose. For those not familiar with her, Julie is a scientist turned artist and author. She is still a scientist but, instead of a four-walled lab with cages and test tubes, Julie practices close observation of the natural world around her and then shares her discoveries through her writings – including a book and a blog – and her art work.

The workshop was titled Writing and Drawing Nature, but Julie’s actual focus was about making time and space to notice what’s going on behind what’s going on around us. While ostensibly she was talking about nature the day became a lesson in paying attention to what’s going on behind what’s going on everyday situations.

For me it was about getting to go in the first place. Of course when I heard about it I wanted to go but on another level I sensed it was calling me to come. For instance, I learned about this event before it was even open for registration. Hint #1 that I was supposed to be there. While it was reasonably priced it was still outside my budget until I unexpectedly sold something. Hint #2 that I was supposed to be there.

Still, even with all those pieces of knowing-ness, I had the occasional pricks of doubt and the emotional naysayers. By the end of the workshop I would learn that all those doubts and naysayings were illusions. For example:

- Everybody else will be an accomplished artist or author. While several galleried painters and published writers did attend most were secret scribblers who wrote or drew for themselves or to decompress from their stress-filled careers.

- Everybody else will have a process and a studio. A few had these but most hardly had a spare drawer for their supplies let alone a dedicated room for their craft.

- Everybody else has been doing this a long time and by comparison I’m a green novice. Again, a few were accomplished and therefore refined in their resulting works but many were struggling to get the words or images out of their head and onto paper, canvass or screen.

- Everybody else knows what to do and say; I’ll end up saying or doing something wrong or the wrong way. During introductions it was evident that many were secure and practiced public speakers but just as many had trouble completing coherent statements. While I didn’t do the introduction thing as well as I would have preferred considering the group I represent, it didn’t stop people from coming up and talking to me about our group and work.

- Everybody else is coming with their friends and I’ll end up by myself in the last chair at the end of a table; this is also known as wallflower-phobia. Some groups did come together and a few never ventured beyond their circle. But, for the most part, people mingled. People especially started mingling during lunch which followed the introductions where people talked about not only why they came and what kind of art or writing they were doing but also their connections in the community.

It turned out that the woman who had been sitting to my right all morning was a pastor’s wife whose paintings I had seen but never met her. Several people came over to specifically ask about the wetlands and possible tours. But the conversations ran on into the nature walks and long past the official end of the day. The event turned out to be such a place of support and connection that a follow-up event is being planned in a few months for a booster shot of sorts.

In the end it was a day where things happened that only happened because I made a space for them to happen (to sort of quote Havi). I got to see and hear and talk to an artist-author I admire about how she develops her process and where she finds her ideas. I got outside my comfort zone literally by driving down to the end of my road and walking into a roomful of potential strangers; and as a result I found a few kindred spirits. But it was more than even these, though those things would have been enough. It was a chance to watch the person I am moving into the future to become, embrace the new practices of that coming life, and stand solidly among her peers.

Social skills or just social media?

2010-07-06T16:44:00.004-04:00

I mentioned the film Network recently; actually I linked to a YouTube video of the character Howard Beale's "Mad as Hell Speech." I found a DVD recording of the film and watched over the weekend.

It's funny how the process of seeing something for the first time in 30 years has this tendency become reorganized in memory. If I remember correctly it was something of an indie cult film but the cult was loosely organized, or at least there is very little trace of those once members of it. Yes the film is still acclaimed but who's watching it? (besides time-warped bloggers)

At the time though it made a bit of media and social splash; we didn't have social media in those days except for Ma-Bell and the post office. But most conversations and more than a few board meetings were injected with at least one "mad as hell" just to illustrate the relevancy of popular culture. Sort in the way that everybody makes sure they know the score of the Super Bowl and who won before they go to work on January second.

As a critical film we might think it laughable today with it's rapid pacing and disconnected jumps and, at the time, it's unmitigated irreverence. But in a way much of what the various characters declared about the state of national sovereignty, community cohesiveness, the television generation and global economic realities has to some degree come to pass.

Most cultural surveys find that respondents put more faith in television and online reports than any other source. Most people spend the bulk of their days at a keyboard reading, emailing, Twittering, Facebooking, and texting to largely faceless masses who turn around and send the same to them.

Today anybody with access to the internet can follow the international balance of trades and deficits as cash and goods shift back and forth across international boundaries. Today a bad hour of shoe sales becomes a month or more long tragedy for some village half a world away. On-time delivery means no back-up parts if the delivery channel gets interrupted. But it isn't just about cash and goods and ideologies.

We're forgetting how to manage ourselves and our reactions and responses with people who irritate us or whom we irritate. We're becoming too accustomed to having sovereign autonomy over our environment and space and the things we think we need than is good for us or society. But we're also buying into the media blab that we should never take crap from people. There is a point of too much but we have no idea anymore what too much is because we pounce on the first hint of non-alignment.

So do yourself and your real-life social circle a big favor while the weather is nice; get out from behind your keyboard and social media, and start practicing real social skills with real flesh-and-blood people. Do it now, while we still have time.

Have a safe and happy 4th of July!

2010-07-02T14:10:00.002-04:00

The 2010 Mid-year Review

2010-06-29T16:04:00.002-04:00

As I announced last week it is once again time for the dreaded mid-year review. Although why we dread reviews, when even the less than charming discoveries turn out to be beneficial, will probably never be resolved.

For those who are newer here or don’t remember my goals and intentions here is the list from January’s post:

Career/work, Financial, Writing, Self-care, Photography/art, Relational, Biking, Travel, Volunteer and Public Speaking

This list was developed before the notion of doing a year of experiments was conceived but it essentially became the framework for creating such a plan. Now that said, the way things are lining up and working out in the real-time life experiments deviates from this linear model. However, I am less concerned about the model than I am about engaging in useful experiments in all these areas.

My career and work experiments have been rising out of my volunteering. My commitment to a regular volunteer slot has since launched me into a role of responsibility directing a project which was totally unexpected. My volunteer project is giving me ways to experiment in writing, photography, relating and networking, and public speaking. The actual tasks are not new to me because I did them in my student days but I hadn’t seen that what was done in the class context could become a springboard to real work until the needs of this project came along.

While these developments are exciting and promising, it’s not all beer and skittles yet. I still have to frame the new ideas into an income generating platform which takes time, but I have a coaching appointment. Also my personal income took a hit with the change of papers and will take time to rebuild. So financially things are essentially unchanged from six months ago.

Things that have either not changed or have moved backwards are the maintenance and travel and biking. Maintenance and self-care issues are being closely monitored and I am doing every self-help or DIY project I am able for the short-term. Travel looks highly unlikely this year unless there is a significant change financially.

My personal but unstated biking goal for the year was to ride 1000 miles between long trail rides and around town destination rides. In the past week I have had to adjust that goal. This is a particularly hot and muggy summer compared to last summer. There have also been many strings of rainy stormy weather which even the diehards were not biking in.

Just over a week ago, after a long morning ride to make up for a rainy week, I became overheated doing a photo shoot in an open field. Fortunately I recognized and caught it early. In reviewing the cascade of events it seems that the combination of the two activities is the likely culprit since each on its own has not been a problem previously. The result is that I have to take off the pressure to get the biking miles met. For one thing my life is significantly busier than a year ago and many things I have to do are not within reach of biking even if the weather was cooperative.

While I still hope and plan to do a half-century ride this season it will have to wait for much cooler weather. I also will not do it alone which means I will have to find another rider with comparable skills and training to ride along. For my overall goal, I am not setting a total mileage but instead consider any month where I can ride at least one mile farther than the previous will be a bonus month.

Overall, the year looks good within the context of it being just over a year since my divorce was final. Of course I had hopes to have made more progress in some areas. Yet when I look at myself and how well I am functioning on the inside – emotionally, spiritually and mentally – I can give myself some leeway for slower progress on external matters.

2010 Word of the year: Accomplish

2010 Planning a Year's Journey

It’s mid-year; do you know how your goals are working out?

2010-06-23T13:40:00.001-04:00

Remember all those New Year’s lists of resolutions, goals and accomplishments that got written down or maybe posted so bravely in January? How are things working out so far?

If you’re like the average New Year’s list maker, you probably have no idea. Even worse than that, you probably can’t remember making a list of things to change or achieve in 2010.

The bad news is that half the year is nearly gone and you’ve barely scratched the surface (if that). The good news is that there are still six months left to dig in and work on those lists.

The second half of the year doesn’t officially start for another week. So between now and July 2, dig up your list, figure out what you’ve worked on and what you still need to accomplish by Dec 31.

Then, figure out how you’re going to catch-up or prioritize your lists to get the important thing or things done. Bonus: post your review and plan somewhere to keep you accountable.

Okay, that was a homework assignment. Go home and work on it.

Trial and error

2010-06-18T16:02:00.002-04:00

A project like a year of life experiments sounds exciting...at first.

Then the reality sinks in that it will also be a year of trial and error.

That includes errors; as in things that do not work out, or at least do not work out the way you planned or hoped they would turn out.

Most of us don't fear trials as long as they result in successes. What can we do with the errors we get before we figure out how to succeed?

Inertia

2010-06-15T16:15:00.002-04:00

Today is day 15 of my year of life experiments.

Inertia: the tendency of matter or an object to remain in its current state of rest or motion unless acted upon by an outside force (paraphrased from class notes*).

For the life experimenter there are pros and cons to both staying at rest and staying in motion.

It is one thing to choose life experiments as a process for finding one’s true calling. It takes more than choosing to actually do the experiments. The cost in effort to move into doing experiments can be fairly expensive in terms of time, energy, esteem and credibility.

Once in motion, working on a particular experimental area, the spent-cost investment to overcome the inertia of rest to be in motion can become a barrier to dropping an experiment that isn’t working. The illusion of “doing” that the momentum generates can become as difficult a state of inertia to overcome as being at rest was in the beginning.

Note: I found all dictionary definitions of inertia to be lopsided and restrictive so I have paraphrased the explanation in my notes* from Dr. Dan Fleisch, Ph.D., 2004.

The other shoe

2010-06-11T13:30:00.001-04:00

Even when you know there's another shoe.
Even when you tell yourself it will fall.
The sound of it still comes as a complete surprise.

The Fortunes of Experimenting

2010-06-08T18:20:00.004-04:00

Can you fit the future in a cookie?

I occasionally indulge in fortune cookies. The cookie part is typically forgettable. However the words, though likely written by a machine before being baked in the cookies, on more than one occasion have held a wisp of hope in situations where there was little being offered from other sources.

It seems counterintuitive to place any meaning on something as random as a few less than cohesive words on a slip of paper. But sometimes a seemingly arbitrary idea links itself to an existing project or dream creating a phenomenon we now call a Tipping Point (Gladwell).

Just over three years ago I received a fortune cookie with a birthday dinner. At the time I was struggling to find a platform for writing publicly and had just started my first blog. The fortune inside the cookie read: “Your heart will always make itself known through your words.”

It’s not an especially profound statement but it solidified my outlook that somewhere there was a place for me to write and an audience who was waiting for what I had to say. I do not think I have arrived; actually I think this is something that will always be a winnowing process. Nonetheless I took it as an indication to hang on to writing and not let go.

What happens when the cookie crumbles?

A couple of weekends ago I received another fortune cookie while having lunch with part of our environmental rehab crew. Usually I dive in and read the fortunes but I found my self hesitating. I think partly it had to with uncertainty; uncertain whether it was cool to read the cookie fortunes and uncertain about what it might say and how it might hit me.

After someone else read theirs, I cracked my own and carefully nibbled at the cookie leaving the paper face down on the table. The cookie gone, I slowly turn the paper over to read the following: “Your present plans are going to succeed.”

To be honest, my first thought was “do I have a plan?” And then, the second thought chimed in with “of course I do, I’m experimenting.” And so it is. This is to be my year of experimenting.

Can you move beyond the cookie?

Some people are hit with a life change or interruption and enter a period of reflection through which they discover their second journey or the work of the second half of their life. In my case, although the year of reflection brought about volumes of unpacking and healing, I did not emerge with any clear direction of a specific work that was mine to do.

That doesn’t mean I emerged clueless only that I did not receive any overarching mandate to go do a particular thing. Instead, as the last month of that first year started closing out, several small hints started popping up here and there. Opportunities to stretch and build on a few things I was already doing casually began to arrive at my door.

At first they seemed random and uncollaborated. But the more I considered them the more I heard Allan Bacon’s proposal in his nonconformity essay “Moving to Paris” about experimenting instead of analyzing to find what your true work could be. Of course some of these opportunities involve carrying out full-fledged tasks for which I am responsible but I will be part of bigger groups from which there will help and advice. These groups are smaller units of larger operations and in a way these will be experiments in doing bite-sized chunks of the higher-level work.

Before the cookie there was what?

How can I be okay with the idea of experimenting at my stage of life? Really experimenting is how I have figured out much of my life such as college, homemaking, parenting, and even blogging. So, why not experiment to find my true second half of life work?

Well, there is a tiny issue that gives pause to this experimenting idea: most of these don’t pay, and a few of them have expenses. This is not a total deal-breaker as long as I can also find experiments in generating enough income to keep this boat afloat. So, to the previous list of experiments can be added: experiment in expanding my freelance writing.

So far I have a small regular gig for an arts’ weekly (for those who have been reading a while this is a change of publications). Currently, I am working up ways to pick up the right kind of small writing gigs “in a safe and comfortable way” (to quote Havi).

I will keep you posted.

Be a gift to the world

2010-06-04T17:07:00.002-04:00

Here’s a quote I stumbled onto attributed to one Gil Bailie (not an uncommon name):

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

This is the stuff we’d like to believe could be true, that the world needs us to be exactly what we are.

But we secretly – or maybe not so secretly – feel we are so insignificant that our puny offerings couldn’t possibly make any difference.

If we could just grasp the value and contribution that micro-movements make maybe we’d see what we have in a different light.

So your weekend assignment is to go chew on this and find one thing to do; even if it’s just as an experiment.

note: When I find attribution for Gil Bailie I will update the citation.

Baby steps: have faith in someone else's faith

2010-05-25T16:32:00.003-04:00

When you have trouble having faith in yourself, sometimes the best thing you can do – at least at first until your own faith has a chance to grow and get strong – is to have faith in others’ faith in you.

A month ago I was invited to become part of a local leadership core. It was, on one hand, an answer to a question I had privately journaled just a few days earlier about being more involved. On the other hand it came on a day when I was buried under a lot of unfinished business.

It was fairly evenly divided between reasons I could say yes and the doubts that were masquerading as reasons to say no. If you’re acquainted with doubts you know they can always make themselves bigger and louder than any other voices.

But it was two very quiet heart voices that turned the tide. The first was along the lines of “These are smart people who have been getting to know you for three years. They have faith in you; why not have faith in their faith?” The second was more sharply worded about “if you decline the offer you will regret it like you always do.”

So I said “yes.” But really that’s not the amazing part, as amazing as that is; the truly amazing part is that so far I am completely relaxed and comfortable with this. I don’t feel anxious to prove they didn’t make a mistake, which is my usual habit and that just makes life hard for everybody.

Like all new ventures there is a learning curve but I am not the only novice and the group has a lot of experience orienting people of varying skills and experience. So I am looking forward to becoming a contributor at this new level which I also see as a positive challenge and source of influence in my current growth phase.

This was about my personal experience with acting on others’ faith in me, but I read over the weekend where Havi wrote about a similar experience in the post Something to Believe in.

Have you ever had someone who had faith in you or believed in your dream when you didn’t believe or have faith in yourself?

Second Journey – emerging from hibernation

2010-05-21T16:28:00.001-04:00

Second Journey was the title and subject of a book by Gerald O’Collins in 1978 (currently out of print) I have not yet read having not located a copy. However, I have read books by other authors in which O’Collin’s ideas have been reiterated.

The first tlime I heard the phrase second journey was in 2001 while reading The Ragamuffin Gospel (Manning, 1990). The kids were out of high school and only two remained at home. I was determined not to become the overly-involved helicopter mom on the one hand, but I also becoming aware that I now had the time, energy and latitude to do that “thing” I had always had this sense I was destined to do after my mothering responsibilities were discharged.

Fast forward to now. I have just come through my first post-divorce year. As I have crossed from year one to year two the nagging sense that my time has come to do this “thing” has returned. In a sense it feels like coming out of hibernation or a time-out. In any case I feel like I’m on the brink or the cusp of the next thing.

(I realize that the entire month of May’s posts have been about examining and rehashing this what’s next issue but if you could have patience for just a bit longer I think things are about to change.)

I had forgotten about the second journey concept until I bumped into Joan Anderson’s book Second Journey: The Road Back to Yourself (2008) in the stacks at the library. Just the title was an immediate connection with the ideas of Manning years before. But more than just recalling the ideas, I got this sense that the time is now to take this journey.

The curious thing is, in part of 2008 and 2009, I had started writing a series of posts that I had framed at the time under the topic “second life” meaning post-mothering women. However, much of that content actually relates to second journey issues and perhaps is a jumping off place to reframe the topic here in terms of second journey. Also, it is an extension of the transition theme that has been running through here.

The distinction about second journey as opposed to transition is its spiritual nature. Second journeys rearrange more than where and how you live or your work and career; they tend to turn everything inside out for a thorough housecleaning and reset. Perhaps that is one reason it has been taking a whole month to talk through this.

But, going back to the hibernation reference, in ways I feel like I’m on the brink of emerging from a chrysalis like a butterfly. If you’ve had the privilege of watching this process it is neither beautiful nor graceful until after the butterfly has been out for a while and fully unfolded itself. Similarly I have felt for some time that I have been sort of attached to life support and hanging out while inside stuff has been taking place.

The thing about butterflies is that you can’t open the chrysalis and release them early because they die. Even I haven’t been very patient with this pre-emergence process but I sense the time to exit and unfurl my wings is coming soon.

Emancipation…sometimes the door isn’t locked

2010-05-18T14:25:00.002-04:00

Have you ever set out to solve a problem? And maybe you’ve asked for some sort of divine intervention (in keeping with your practice of faith)? And after a really long time start to wonder if the answer was “no” only to discover the answer was “yes” but with a totally different solution that used something at hand but in a new way so it was almost hidden?

A while back I wrote out a formal request to God about my work and income issue. Sometimes it’s useful writing out these things because seeing them on paper creates a measure of emotional distance and new things come to light just through the process.

This activity took on a life of its own from the start. In it I mentioned the things I was working on, and the status of my then current freelance work, which seemed to be on very shaky ground. The following morning the old outlet was gone (the venue is still operating just the part that a dozen or so of us played was discontinued).

Now try as you might, when you are looking for more stable income and part of the existing income goes away, the first thing to pop into your head is probably not going to be “gee what an interesting solution.” It wasn’t mine either; however I did allow that 1) I had at least not asked for help much later, and 2) that it might be part of a bigger solution picture – maybe.

But a new freelance venue has started coming onto the board gradually in the usual first waltz of these things, and we’re figuring out more dances we might do. There was even a sudden rally of postings for various kinds of part-time fill-in work for several weeks. But last week, while other transitional issues seemed to be settling down, it became irrefutable that finding an established job, even part-time minimum wage fill-work, was not a reality.

While re-reading my request late in the week, and wondering what it all meant, the notion popped up that maybe the writing and photography and arts were the solution. Of course the problem is that those things take time and capital to develop before they create income over investment; the capital the job was supposed to provide. But the strong impression was to dump stuff I didn’t need and convert it to capital and start working as hard on my stuff as I had been on trying to convince hapless HR-types to let me play on their field.

I know this makes no sense in the conventional business-as-usual world but for most of my life the path of convention has been denied to me. And then Havi Brooks at The Fluent Self wrote last Thursday in her Business Advice post: “The things that have helped me most in business are — weirdly — mostly the ones that seemed like really bad ideas at the time.” What could possibly seem more like a bad idea than to need income but deliberately stop looking for, applying for, writing resumes and cover letters for, and interviewing for the privilege of a few sheckles every other week.

But so far, through the job search process, I have been analyzed, checked-up on, ignored, insulted, and subjected to interview situations that would make the FBI blush. I think one telling question summed it all up: “Are you willing to forget everything you learned through your education?” (and this position required a bachelor’s degree) If this is how people are treated in the application process it can only mean that the treatment of employees is comparable – or worse; and no amount of money is worth being treated that disrespectfully. Thank you just the same but the idea of living in my car is a happier thought.

So it is scary and thrilling – and unfortunately they feel the same – to discover that the door that seemed barred was actually an illusion. Why did I have to go through that? Hard to say actually; maybe to test the drive, or increase the ability to take risks, or maybe for some reason that remains hidden for now.

Does your transition seem to have a blocked path or door? Are you sure it’s blocked? Looks can be deceiving. Until I started to consider that the door was not actually blocked and drafted an alternate plan, as though the door were open, did possible – workable – solutions start to appear. This is not about magic, the plan still has to be worked and clarified as more (better) information becomes available. This is about hope and possibility; and those two things are a big deal.

- - - - -

For some reason Howard Beale's (Peter Finch) Mad as Hell speech in Network (1976) comes to mind.

Shifting, and Moving Through Boulders

2010-05-14T16:15:00.001-04:00

“…around the forty-seventh mile I felt like I’d passed through something…suddenly I noticed I was already on the other side…I was simply convinced of the reality that I’d passed through.” … Haruki Murakami in What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Knopf, 2008)

While reading this passage from chapter six I realized I was nodding my head in agreement and from deep within my own heart I heard something whispering “yes.” I say whispering but it kept repeating and each repetition was louder than the previous, like someone or something trying to get my attention.

Divorce is like a personal earthquake with an ultramarathon running through it. You get toppled off the summit or the ridge and suddenly find yourself in a valley of shadows (Twenty-third Psalm) or a fire swamp (The Princess Bride), whichever metaphor suits your liking, running for your life; and rumor has it that the exit to daylight and safety has been blocked by a boulder even if you reach it.

Last week I wrote about getting ready to end year one and beginning year two. I did not mention my transition ritual. Rituals reorganize things. Sometimes they settle things but other times they shake things up.

This ritual turned out to shake things up. As the days moved forward following that ritual, I became aware of stuff. Some of this stuff included old mental tapes of opinions and criticisms, some of it was about disappointment and being a disappointment, and some of it was also about latent forgiveness or amends issues.

This ongoing virtual debate was disrupting moving forward; another ritual was in order. So I spent that week collecting and writing down all these things as they came up, and even going so far as to seek them out. On Mother’s Day I took all these notes to a nearby park where one by one went through these issues in a modified Step Eight fashion. (In Twelve Step work Step Eight is about making a list and becoming willing to make amends.)

I say modified because it was not just about offering amends or forgiveness, it was also about letting go of waiting for others to offer amends or forgiveness to me. Actually, I decided to offer forgiveness to the people for whom I had been waiting for not being able to offer amends or forgiveness. But it was also about realizing that their interference is no longer appropriate and that their opinions are no longer my business.

The debates have not abruptly stopped; however, they do get firmly challenged by my internal gatekeeper who says stuff like: “I’m sorry you no longer have the floor,” and “That is not helpful.” So, little by little many of these have started to give up, turning away from banging on the gate, and a few have started cooperating by rephrasing concerns in useful ways.

This week has been a race to catch up with deadlines and cultivate sources for the new gig. So while I noticed a sense of being settled and fighting fewer battles internally, it took reading Murakami’s passage to recognize that something significant had – or was – happening. And it indeed felt like I had “passed through” that boulder, exited the valley or the swamp, and was emerging into the light. It is still work, don’t misunderstand. But, now the work is about living instead of not dying (or not falling apart).

Noticing these shifts is important. A shift puts us in a new place to consider options that weren’t available to us in the old place. For me it is the prospect (scary prospect) of really considering many options the former debaters decried; including, actually building my own work (or business), pursuing a personal campaign to become deft-free (despite not have adequate income at present) and launching a blog about it, and considering whether to revamp, move, or discontinue this blog.

If all that looks overly ambitious keep in mind that some of those items are interconnected. But Rome doesn’t have to be built in a day (although I had planned to start the new blog by now). I will keep working on the new stuff and the things that move the new stuff forward. And before too long, I’ll be there and that will be awesome to accomplish.

So go have an awesome weekend!

Books, books and more books

2010-05-12T14:27:00.003-04:00

It has come to my attention that I am way behind in updating my book lists. I really had no idea I was reading so much; although some books have been for research and not just for reading. It is unusual for me to read so much once the weather starts warming up but I think I am reading faster than I used to. The lists in my sidebar generally only record the books I read and not my resources unless I put them in my special Writer's Bookshelf category.

Most of my reading still tends to be in one of the nonfiction categories like self-help, or the memoir or biography genres. But I have been making a point of including fiction, especially novels but also short stories, to the mix. I remember reading somewhere a long time ago that in the way the intellect needs nonfiction the imagination also needs regular doses of fiction and fancy in order to stretch it's wings and take flight (paraphrased from memory).

Books I am currently reading or just recently finished include:
The Twentieth Wife a novel - Indu Sundaresan
Tribes - Seth Godin
What I Talk About When I Talk About Running a memoir - Haruki Murakami
Committed - Elizabeth Gilbert
A Weekend to Change Your Life by Joan Anderson

It's a fairly diverse collection. Maybe there isn't something for everyone; but still most might find something interesting to check out.

Are you a summer reader? What's on your list?

Getting Things Done vs Making Things Happen vs Forcing Solutions

2010-05-07T17:01:00.003-04:00

Today I want to think out loud and I trust you will allow me the indulgence.

I have been turning these three notions of getting things done, making things happen, and forcing solutions over and over lately. On the surface the ideas of getting things done and making things happen don’t look all that different. The main idea is get something accomplished and checked off the list…right?

Of course some things are fairly simple, like balancing your checkbook, and getting them done is a matter of sitting down and doing them (okay some of them might require standing but you get the idea).

There are other things that are not so simple; or maybe previously they were simple but they’re not any more, like getting work and finding a living income under the current circumstances. So over time, or maybe right away, you realize that this item can’t just be gotten done and that in some way you will need to step it up and make it happen.

This is where the forcing solutions issue comes in, or least where it comes in for me, for others it might come in at a different point or maybe not at all. I was brainstorming with my son earlier in the week about my ideas for my new blog project and getting work and/or income. I mentioned that it looked like I needed to make something happen, and while in the past I was very good at making things happen recently it feels like I have forgotten how to do it.

But that statement has been grinding on me all week, and not always in a good way. So I started reflecting on memories of making things happen in the past I found something I did not expect.

While there were many times I made things happen because, as the stay-at-home parent in a large active household with volunteer and civic obligations to boot, logistics demanded it. However, there were (have been) many times where I made something happen, i.e. forced a solution, that wasn’t necessary, or the best solution, or done with adequate research, and the results have carried long-term unwanted consequences.

So I do not want to repeat the error of the past but I still want to make something happen. To this end I’ve been looking for a way to find the line in the sand and take care not to cross it while still accomplishing my objectives. Of course this carries the risk of becoming a barrier to moving forward and stalling my efforts to meet my goals and objectives, which would not serve me well either.

Now it’s your turn to speak up. Have you juggled these different approaches to meeting deadlines, or objectives, or just checking things off your to do list? Did you find a difference in results; or your level of satisfaction with the outcome?

Link:

What Matters Now – check Gina Trapani’s essay Productivity

Divorce...Change...Fear

2010-05-04T18:40:00.003-04:00

Even transitions have transitions...

This week marks a major transition point in my personal life. A year ago my divorce was final; as in the decree was signed and the ink dried. It did not mean that everything was final. In fact the decree becoming final was actually a beginning; the beginning of a year of unpacking the artifacts of a joint life.

This year has been about selling the house, dividing the property and assets, sorting and copying archival records like tax returns, dividing and closing joint accounts, and navigating the potential minefield of communicating with each other directly (which is a heck of a lot cheaper than communicating through two attorneys and the court system).

On a personal level it has been a year of letting go and embracing. I was fortunate in that I had already been working on letting go of my children’s lives as a primary source of my esteem. But the divorce and all the lifestyle changes have also meant that I had to let go of my previous notions and views of my role of middle life woman, grandmother, memory-keeper, and family history chronicler and embracing new definitions.

All of this has created chaos which tends to urge us to hurry through unpleasant situations and on to normal life so things don’t feel so out-of-control. Of course society, meaning our families and friends, employers and coworkers, and even faith communities, often subtly or not so subtly prod us to just get over it and move on. Recovery though – real and lasting recovery – takes some time, effort, and mindfulness.

My priority for this first year was to accomplish the unpacking, and also to take the time to heal and get to know myself. The unpacking is almost done. As far as healing and getting to know myself, while this has been an amazing year of discovery I don’t think it every truly ends. Instead I think it shifts to something like a routine maintenance item after the intensive acute interventions have done their work.

So now I am about to commence year two as time continues to put distance between my emerging life and the divorce event. A year ago I tried to squint and look ahead at how things might play out. In addition to the first year’s unpacking and healing, I had planned to find work. It all looked so scary and unknown; but taking it a thing at a time it is now possible to look back with satisfaction that so much was accomplished even though I didn’t know where to start.

While year one is a tribute to what can be accomplished not everything on the original list got checked off. So far the getting work part has not really worked out. A lot of unrelated issues converging have made getting work a challenging obstacle to overcome and I realize there are many people battling the same problem without my caveats.

Getting work, though, holds a complexity of meanings at this point in my life. Of course I need the income to support myself like most people. Then, there are other issues such as self-sufficiency and using my skills, knowledge and talents to do something that matters (more about What Matters Now). But the most important reason that not having already found work is a concern is that I have been seeing year two as settling into a more regular (but modest) life and financially closing the books on my life before the divorce.

While the current lack of viable work and the economic upheaval presents an obstacle in my quest to deal with this matter it also poses a challenge: If I still believe becoming debt-free is the best thing I can do for myself, how do I make it happen in spite of the current circumstances?

So I have decided to dedicate year two to working on this debt-free life and see what happens. This is scary because I am not an expert and I don’t have the answer today for how this can work out. I have also decided to risk a measure of transparency about this through an online project although it will not have unrestricted transparency for many practical reasons.

This is a scary prospect and it roosts where my fear and shame demons warn that I don’t know enough and when I fail nobody will want to be acquainted with me. Yet nevertheless I am getting ready to launch a new project that will be devoted to creating a debt-free life with special attention to the issues of middle life divorced women. It will also be about debts beyond the budgetary or financial and how those issues create mindsets that influence our choices and decisions in every area of our lives.

I hope you will consider joining me for this new adventure.

Deb

The winds of change on a blustery Friday

2010-04-30T15:48:00.003-04:00

This is the last day of April and with it is the closing of year one. I'm busy drafting some projects I'll be working on in the coming months. I'll be sharing more later when I have the details ironed out.

Have a great weekend.