Real Life in Draft

With Shivering Hearts We Wait (Blindside) - "Bring Out Your Dead"

2024-10-27T18:54:00.002-05:00

Intro to Blindside

The past month I've been on a Blindside kick. Blindside is a rock band from Sweden that holds a special place in my heart. I'm sure everyone has a formative record from their youth; for me, that record is Silence by Blindside.

I don't remember exactly how or when I got into rock music, but I remember visiting my cousins in 2000 and rocking out to Linkin Park's album Hybrid Theory. Older guys in youth group shared the song "God of Elijah" from Disciple's album, By God. Christian metal? Guys yelling and screaming a story straight out of the Bible? I knew DC Talk's "Jesus Freak", but this was different somehow. I discovered East West's song "She Cries" from A Light in Guinevere's Garden through the late night rock segment that the Christian radio station hosted one Saturday a month. My youth pastor shared P.O.D.'s The Fundamental Elements of Southtown and Project 86's Drawing Black Lines with me. I remember anticipating the release of P.O.D.'s album Satellite, and asking my mom to take me out to buy it the week it released. Later, an email newsletter announced P.O.D.'s new 3 Points Records label and the first single "Pitiful" coming from the new album Silence by their friends in the Swedish band, Blindside.

The first concert I ever attended, I went to a festival in south Florida to see Blindside. Later, I met them at Cornerstone Orlando and asked them sign my album liner. Needless to say, Blindside was a very formative band in my teenage years.

About a Burning Fire 20th Anniversary

So, Blindside was recently visiting the US to play at Furnace Fest 2024. As announcements were made about the festival and they began to reveal exclusive merch, I started taking breaks from my endless audiobook listening to dive into the hype and revisit the hardcore music of my youth. A few weekends ago, Victoria and I drove out to the farm to get eggs and visit friends. We listened through the full Silence album. When we returned home, she started listening to the song "Silence" on repeat while finishing her homework (proud dad moment). I listened through About a Burning Fire because this year marks the 20th anniversary of the album. I began listening to The Great Depression, but was distracted. The Great Depression released when I was in college and is probably my favorite Blindside album, but I was curious about their final album.

With Shivering Hearts We Wait

With Shivering Hearts We Wait was the last album Blindside released in 2011. It was never my favorite Blindside album and I found myself wanting to listen and figure out why. What did I like (or not like) about it? I wanted to find out why I never really got into it. It felt musically disjointed to me. Some songs were too formulaic and pop-radio-friendly. Other tracks didn't flow smoothly from one to the next, as though a song was missing between them. I wasn't really intending to do a deep-dive, I just wanted to listen through the album.

It still wasn't a big hit for me, but a couple songs really spoke to me. I was first captured by the track "Our Love Saves Us", which includes the album's title-drop. I kept returning to the album for this song and wanted to share it with the Music Director at church. It had such a powerful worship theme, in my opinion. It had a dual meaning: collectively as Christians, our love of Christ saves us, or holding onto love in hard times saves a relationship through Christ. I think of the imagery of a triangle with Christ, husband, and wife at each vertex. The husband and wife at the bottom, grow closer together as they move closer to Christ at the top vertex of the triangle. As I thought about rating the track, it made me wonder how I would have rated the song years ago. Whatever I might have rated it in the past, it gets 5 stars for me now. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

While "Our Love Saves Us" is important in this story, it's not the main reason that I'm here today. As I kept returning to this album over a 2-week period, I kept finding different songs stuck in my head and drawing me back in. I began to pick up on a deep underlying story across the album. Some lines, like in "My Heart Escapes", seemed to reach out to me across time, such as "To meet you after this long time / Tells me I'm not that young".

Early tracks, like "Monster on the Radio" speak of sacrificing anything to be the monster on the radio. It feels like thoughts of a husband, perhaps cheating with work. Aspirations of an artist to be on the radio, thus becoming a monster because of what he put his family through for his own gain. Then "It's All I Have" speaks of time passing and love becoming routine as their family grows. Perhaps elements of post-partum depression as the chorus encourages his wife to wear a bracelet of joy and necklace of peace. Then, "Bloodstained Hollywood Ending" tells of a packed suitcase and an airport chase scene trying to keep a partner from leaving. The ice cold in their relationship and being tired of tiptoeing around the promises made as their romance becomes a "bloodstained Hollywood ending." That's followed by "Our Love Saves Us", which tells of the hardship of working through love, "With shivering hearts we wait / I'm still holding on." That's followed by "Bring Out Your Dead", which is almost a salvation story of exposing the skeletons in one's closet, letting them go, and asking for forgiveness and healing. The story continues through each track and it's been amazing to discover.

Oct 20th, 2024 - Bring Out Your Dead

I sat down to write this blog on Oct 20th because of the track "Bring Out Your Dead". (lyrics)

"Bring Out Your Dead" follows "Our Love Saves Us" and is another song with multiple possible interpretations. In ways, it's a come to Jesus moment of cleaning the skeletons out of your closet. I think it's also a heartfelt confession between a husband and wife. It's a catchy song and kept getting stuck in my head over the past week, as I'd sing along "bring out, bring out your dead." Friday (Oct 18), I pulled out the album booklet and was reading the lyrics. Today, it's the first verse that caught my attention. "Heavy like a thousand pounds / What if I told you now / To carry the smell of death is harder than it sounds"

This morning (Oct 20), while waiting during the kids' piano lessons, I was catching up on a sermon I missed a few weeks ago when we went to New York. Sep 18, Vision Wins (Pt3): Answer the Call. Pastor Ben defines and differentiates God's calling and God's will, and then quickly tells the story of Jonah who was called to be a prophet, but fought God's will for him to go to Ninevah. At the end, he commented on Jonah being swallowed by the fish and asked how we want to answer God's call. "Are you answering the call and showing up in God's grace smelling like grace? Or are you showing up smelling like wickedness and sin and death and darkness?"

God put this album in my heart over the past month. He put 'Bring Out Your Dead' in my head this week, preparing for me to catch up on this message from mid-September. I looked up the lyrics on Friday in preparation for relating it to this message. The difficulty of finding "Who am I without my skeleton friend?" The chorus reveals how confessing our dark secrets feels like suicide (dying to self). Near the end they identify the pain caused to others in the bridge, "When I let this corpse out / He will bite your soul / It will make you bleed" and asks for forgiveness, "When I let this corpse go / Will you do the same, will you let him go?"

The song reminds me of a moment in "The Great Divorce" by C. S. Lewis when a man is carrying a sort of lizard that is on fire and burning the man (if I remember correctly). An 'angel' offers to kill the lizard, promising that the man will be happier if it's gone, but it will only act if that's what the man truly wants. Then man says he could get rid of the lizard at any time, but he's had him around for so long that it's not worth the bother of killing it. It is an allegory for the harms caused by lust.

In the liner notes, lead singer Christian thanks "Jesus Christ for choosing to have your healing heart beat so close to my bruised one. Thank you my wonderful wife Elina for holding my hand through sunshine and rain." Guitarist, Simon, ends his thanks with "Lord, keep my heart shivering of anticipation for the holy spirit. I'm a better man when I'm close to You. Amen"

Another funny thing about listening to this album. When it finishes, my music player automatically automatically loops back to Blindside's first album and the track "Invert" which has a line that screams "Glad you came to my senses, 'cause I didn't."

When you can't escape and you're not sure you'd want to if you could...

As I drift in and out of Blindside albums, I find so many meaningful lines. There are so many lyrics that catch my attention and as I dig deeper, I find only Christ. It's been inspirational in so many ways that I can't explain.

"Eye of the Storm" (lyrics) from About a Burning Fire feels like it describes my life.

Please come closer
Cause my heart doesn't touch Yours anymore
Please see I'm walking into the eye of the storm
And I'll still come out loving You even more

"Ask Me Now" (lyrics) from The Great Depression describes Christ bringing us our lost smile

And so one morning just before dawn You came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in Your hand
As the moist air up to Your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw Your lips move
Asking: Did you lose something
I stood glued to the window

Emotions running through my veins
How I know a word I can’t explain

I think I've known You all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for a while
I think I have been holding my breath all my life  
Can I exhale and go into exile  
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You

How that "face in the crowd" ties back to themes from the album Silence and the opening track "Caught a Glimpse" (lyrics). When the noise of the world is overwhelming, a "Still silent voice whispers stay / (But in the crowd I) / Caught a glimpse of your eye" reminding me that that "I'll be safe and devotion." "Pitiful" (lyrics) follows after, with another confession:

But I know, as I hammered those nails into Your beautiful hands
Your eyes still try to search for mine, but I look away
Now Your eyes are the only thing that can save me
I'm still so afraid of them piercing
You're breaking into my prison,

And I remember every word You said
Come back in time, come back
And I remember I would soon be dead
Now so pitiful, so pitiful
You're so pitiful

"When I Remember" (lyrics) closes out The Great Depression with a confession of what can break through our hardened hearts:

These days there is not much that will bring tears to my eyes
But when I remember who I am and who You are
When I remember

A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes  
And sunshine breaks through the clouds

I can cry out of sorrow and joy  
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun  
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul  
My feet, my love  
I’m not forgotten  
I’m in your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain

And the title track "About a Burning Fire" (lyrics) closes that album describing Christ's rebellious love in our selfish world:

Love is destructive  
For the ego  
And Your voice is the only thing  
That speaks rebelliously in this world of claiming your own  
There is no peace outside if there's nothing within  
Love is addictive  
For the spirit  
And Your voice whispers with a roar  
That fire rises up, refills  
Place the right king on the throne  

I thought about fire in the sky  
I thought about fire  
I thought about love burning in Your eye  
I thought about fire  

I thought about a burning fire  
I thought about a loving fire  
I thought about Your love

Behind the Times. Catching up on November of 2023.

2024-01-07T23:00:00.001-06:00

At the end of November, the kids were in school, Hui was resting from the chemo, Mom had just returned home, and I was rearranging the my desk in the home office. I took the time to try and catch up on the never-ending podcast backlog (it'll disappear soon, when Google discontinues their podcast app). Anyway, the point is, I (or the Lord) had some amazing episodes queued up.

I meant to document and share this then, but I didn't (go figure). All my followers are missing out.

The only record I have of the day are some text messages, in which I was sharing the podcasts with a friend. First up was The Wellness Mama Podcast:

679: Repairing Attachment Wounds, Fixing Relationship Insecurity, and Finding Your Voice With Adam Lane Smith

And to document my excitement, here are the text messages to my friend:

There are SOOOOOO many helpful parenting and relationship tips in this one conversation.

And if you want to follow it up with some lighthearted financial advice. Here's the Bee trying to get Dave Ramsey to use a credit card.

Ooh! They have it on YouTube and they're in Dave's studio (I think)! Really good points around 24-25 minutes about Proverbs "hope deferred makes the heart sick"

While the early bit was a lot of goofing, this turned into a legitimately meaningful and productive conversation.

More texts leading to the final podcasts:

Dude! Not trying to bog you down with podcasts, but I listened to this one last night and then again after Dave and the Bee. Man! Another good discussion on suffering, God, redemption, and hope.

That was it for the day.

I'm not sure if I should end this blog here, or keep filling in the gaps. I'm sure none of you mind either way.

A few days later I was reading (listening to) Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. Well, I guess I technically started the book on Nov 27 and didn't finish until Dec 6. My thoughts on this book (shared with my zero followers at work) were simply:

This feels like a book I should have on a shelf full of sticky notes and highlights. I love studying Abraham Lincoln!

I am currently listening to another book that I feel should be on my desk full of sticky notes and highlights. I discovered this book through The Habit Podcast and it only took me 6 months or so to rediscover it on my GoodReads. The Medieval Mind of C.S. Lewis: How Great Books Shaped a Great Mind.

And with that terrible summary of non-holiday events around the holidays, I'm going to bed.

Cancer (A Poem) (from 2022-08-26)

2023-10-05T01:06:00.008-05:00

2022-08-26 (21:23)

While this can be read without context, I find the context very interesting. I will include some footnotes explaining quotes and the events surrounding the writing of this poem.
As I often do, I've blacked out the formatting on some words to show that I wrote them and then crossed them out on paper. The thought was important, even though I ultimately decided to remove the words.

Cancer (A Poem)

I am the cancer    (0)
Unwelcome in this world
Where you advertise your life    (1)
But run ~~in fear~~ when I say "Hi"
As we pass by on the streets
So dark and dangerous
~~"We can't help you"~~    (2)
"I don't know you"    (3)
Well, I can't argue that

What a Love we show
In this world devoured by fear
What a Light we shine
Welcome smiles on Sunday morning
But ~~can't say "Hi" as we~~ we can't pass as neighbors
"What a cunning foe we've met"    (4)
Where I am the cancer
Unwelcome
Eating away at the world outside your halls
Build your walls
    Cower within
Oh, the Light we shine
Safe in our seaside tower

Explain this dis-ease in my chest
Where Love is the Cancer
Consuming all the darkness
... But unless we die to love    (5)

I am the Cancer
I am the Cancer

And for me there is no cure
"Become like us"    (6)
As they cower in fear
I am not welcome
"Become like us"
I'm not welcome here

I am dis-ease
    I am the rot
Devouring flesh and bone
I am disease
    I am the cancer

Rush along home...

Setting the scene, the references:
(0)    First off, my wife has a rare cancer that has no cure. What do you think it says of me that I'd write a poem referencing myself as a cancer, when cancer is literally threatening my wife's life? Just a thought.

(1)    "you advertise your life" is used here in reference to an influencer or minor celebrity such as a blogger, podcaster or YouTuber, which the family in reference 2, dabbles in.

(2) "We can't help you." This event was the primary catalyst and inspiration for writing this poem. We were driving home in our neighborhood and the windows were down because it was nice out. It was dusk and beginning to get dark. My wife was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We saw a family from church out walking their dog (mom and dad with their son and daughter, both under 10yo). I didn't recognize who they were until we were passing them and I began to say "hey! it's... [name]". My wife, not realizing what I was saying, stopped the van suddenly as the family was about even with our rear bumper. I popped my head out of the window and looked back to say "Hi" but the father had hurriedly gathered the kids and his wife and turned to rush back the other direction as he called out to us "We can't help you."
Note, after writing this poem. They laughed about it when my wife messaged them later, but I didn't find it very funny. I wrote this poem to express the unwelcome feeling I get in this life, as though I am a threat, or perhaps, perceived as a fan/paparazzi who recognized them from their online presence (as indicated at reference 1).

(3) "I don't know you." This line better fit the poem and communicates the message that "I need to protect my family," rather than the reference 2 quote I crossed out. This quote is from the pastor at church who recently shared a message titled Praying for Wisdom at All Cost. The key points of the message were 2 kinds of Wisdom, 2 kinds of Fear, and 2 kinds of Trembling. At the end of the message he used Matthew 7:21 to demonstrate how we may claim to know God, but God may not know us. To demonstrate his point he told the story of a man who had read about their orphanage and seen him (the pastor) on TV. This man wanted to visit the orphanage and claimed to "know him" (the pastor). The pastor had to turn the man away saying "You may know me, but I don't know you."

Here's the message:

(4) "What a cunning foe we've met" is a quote from the song We are the Archers by the band Oh, Sleeper. In the song, it is used in the context of betraying oneself to temptations (I think). I'm using it to express how the world has made us fearful by tricking us into believing we are gods (reference 5). When we have faith, and reverent fear placed in God, we shouldn't fear anything worldly, even for the safety of our family (as was also mentioned in the sermon above).

(5) "... But unless we die to love" This is an insanely subtle nod to the title of the Oh, Sleeper album "When I Am God". The title comes from a line in the song Vices Like Vipers that says "When I am God this church is unsound." I nod at this concept in the usage of dying to Love (God), except in this instance, I use the lower case love to represents myself as a false god (simultaneously the cancer). The line is meant to parallel the more prominent expression that "I am the cancer." It's ultimately meant to have a redemptive quality in the biblical concept of dying to self. If I don't die to self and allow God to eat away the darkness, then I am the cancer.

(6) "Become like us" is a quote from the band Project 86. The song Salem's Suburbs explores the idea of group identity and the consequences that result: "As they pounded in the stake, I thought I heard them say 'Become like us or you will be slain'"

Perhaps I should note that both the album "When I Am God" by Oh, Sleeper, as well as the "Truthless Heroes" album by Project 86 are concept albums that tell the journey of characters across the tracks of each album. So, reading only one song could be like reading a chapter in the middle of a book without the context of the rest of the story.

Update 2024-07-28

Yesterday, I looked this poem up to share with a friend (surprisingly, someone I "know" through YouTube videos, but honestly don't know). Today, our pastor spoke about the idea that God is love, which was the part of this poem that had the most meaning to me as I was reading it yesterday.

Admittedly, the feelings behind this poem are more aggressive and less loving than I'd like.

Truthless Heroes (a random thought on fandom and heaven)

2022-07-02T02:41:00.003-05:00

I recently posted two comments on a Patreon post. It made me think that I've been sharing my thoughts in comments on other people's posts, but sometimes I'd like to remember my own thoughts, and keep them here for me--and anyone who might care to read them.

In this Patreon post--a podcast--Andrew Schwab of Project 86 was talking with a long-time supporter. They briefly touched on how famous people have to learn how to interact with strangers who know them (i.e. fans).

my comments:

Describing the "meeting a fan" experience is so interesting. I've been trying to wrap my brain around it for years... If I were to meet so-and-so... what would I say? They don't know me. I don't know them. I'm emotionally invested in their music, their words, their voice, the characters they play on the screen, the characters they wrote into a book, etc.--in love with who I imagine them to be.
How would I connect with them and express how their influence has affected my life? Because they don't know me... and I don't know them... I've just made up a narrative, creating heroes in my head.
I want to get to know them for real... but there's no time for that. We can't be friends and go hang out.

This thought keeps coming to mind, so I'm back to add on to my previous comment. After reading C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, I began to re-imagine heaven as a neighborhood where my neighbors are all my best friends and family. Likewise, all of their neighbors are their best friends, and somehow, we are just eternally surround by all our best friends, family, and favorite people, etc...
I know that's silly. What does it say about me that my idea of heaven is being surround by people that I love?

Judgement for Jonah (a poem)

2022-06-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

Written 2022-06-20 (0739) without a title.

They all tell me

I should've hailed a different bus

On the road to Ninevah

Storm in the clouds

And a beast in the deep

Tail tucked between my legs

In the cabin, fast asleep

Be it sand or be it sea

This desert's gonna swallow me

Remembering Dad

2022-05-16T23:59:00.013-05:00

Dad passed peacefully in his sleep the morning of May the First, 2022.

What one, of any infinite number of lessons I could possibly share from Dad's life might be worth sharing today?

Live every day, planning for all the projects that can make life "any better." From the mundane to the impossible, from breakfast with friends, to cruises with those you love, to 21-day recovery plans--live your life with love so that if it were any better, you couldn't stand it.

Instead of a traditional funeral, we held a simple Celebration of Life. Friends and family shared some beautiful comments, but many others were not able to attend. Sadly, the ceremony was not recorded. I am compiling this post to share the typed words and notes from the ceremony, and including the two videos we do have.

Thank you for your love, and prayers, and for sharing with us in this time of grief. While we're saddened that he is gone, we know he is breathing easy with Jesus, and we will see him again.

Raymond Robert "Bob" Eskuchen

Obituary
Comments from Band of Brothers (BOB) Ministries - Etzer, Guy, David
YouTube Playlist:
Family Comments - Martha and Matthew
Songs - In the Garden, He Touched Me, What a Day That Will Be, How Great Thou Art
Tribute Video (will add to the YouTube playlist when I get home)

Obituary for Bob Eskuchen

Raymond Robert “Bob” Eskuchen, born in Philadelphia, PA on July 4, 1942 went to be with his Jesus on May 1, 2022. He was a firecracker all his life!

Bob was raised in Franklinville, New Jersey, and moved to South Florida in the early 1970s. He graduated from Palm Beach Atlantic College in 1990. Bob retired after 20 years as Superintendent of Palm Beach County Water Utilities and moved to Marianna, Florida in 2005.

He was an active and loved parishioner of First Assembly of God Marianna. He loved studying and working with the Band of Brothers men’s ministry and reading his Bible. He had a love for food and enjoyed cooking for others. Bob was known for speaking his mind and you never knew what he would say.

Bob is survived by his beloved wife of 36 years, Martha Snedaker Eskuchen; children Matthew Shane Eskuchen and wife, Hui; Heather Raye Eskuchen; Raymond Robert Eskuchen, Jr., and Samantha Rae Eskuchen; loved grandchildren, Daniel Zane Monk, Jozalyn Bailey Eskuchen-Monk, Zaly Shaye Monk, Victoria Joy Eskuchen, Eli Jacob Eskuchen, and Madison Allie Eskuchen; and brother, Richard Eskuchen; and two loving dogs, Bear and Princess.

Bob was preceded in death by his mother, Marjorie Patton Eskuchen, father, Raymond F. Eskuchen, and younger brother, Donald Eskuchen.

https://www.jamesandsikesfuneralhomes.com/obituaries/Bob-Eskuchen/#!/Obituary

Comments - Band of Brothers (BOB) Ministries

Pastor Etzer, Band of Brothers Ministry in Haiti (via email)

Dear brothers and sisters who were hurt by this separation. Specially his lovely wife. We were shocked and saddened to learn about the depart of our brother, friend, cooker. We imagine your grief must be overwhelming. Please remember that God is here for you. To comfort you. Bob the Godly man. Generous. Man of great heart. Pastor Etzer explained how he remember meeting Bob for the first time at Band of Brothers devotion. Bob was the cooker, he hosted pastor with a special plate. His jokes made him laugh. Wi Wi. And his smile felt him home. Faithful giving man. Band Of Brothers Ministries in Haiti, as he always said, and we knew we could always count on his support to change the lives the kids here and build the kingdom of God. With tears we received this news that Bob went home. We've at so seen Bob best qualities in you.
Job 19:25-26
I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God;

John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whosoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (Bob did believe this)

1 Corinthians 15:20-22
But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

Thus, We will see our friend our brother. Wishing you courage, strength. You are in our prayers here.
Band Of Brothers Ministry in Haiti.

Guy T. - Band of Brothers Ministry (via email)

'Bob Robert' or 'Crazy Bob' as he was also affectionately referred to, what a guy!!!
Bob was a man of great love and he had many loves. He loved God Martha, his children, grandchildren, church family, his country and the Band of Brothers.
Loved music and sang in our church choir. Loved the Oldies and could recall artists name and where he was at when he first heard a song.
Loved the Holy Land Experience in Orlando. Went on 2 trips with BOBs. On one of those trips he entertained us by singing all the oldie songs that were being played while we returned home.
Loved studying the Bible and researching the geography and history related to events recorded in the Bible. He would sometimes bring us copies of maps or other material related to our Bible reading for that previous week.
He Loved slams especially. He loved serving lunch to the residents at Chipola Apts. He loved the residents and loved cutting up with them

David B. (officiating)

Bob
Martha said "Firecracker" - born on the 4th of July.
Another way of saying this is he was a character.
No need to wonder what Bob was thinking - it was coming out of his mouth. You did not ask him if a certain color makes you look bigger - he would be honest!
He had a unique vocabulary -- Facebook was "Spacebook" -- Etzer was "Ester"
Bob was a worker:
Ministry included teaching a teen Sunday School class
"Live" Weekend events with Becky and Russell
Comments on Facebook - start "Hi, my name is Bob" and everyone would respond, "Hi Bob"
If Bob frequented an establishment - everyone knew Bob.
Dr. Gay's office - 2 maybe 3 of the staff know me by name--I have no doubt everyone in his office knows Bob
You cannot say his name without smiling
Bob accepted responsibility for cooking on Tuesday mornings when Gary S. was no longer able, and he was faithful until he could do it no longer
Eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy, breakfast casseroles, waffles, breakfast desserts
He would take substantial leftovers, or a cake, cookies, flowers to one of the lucky Marianna offices
Bob would start early on Monday, planning for Tuesday morning. I would arrive around 5 to start on coffee and see one of Bob's Jeeps already here getting breakfast ready
14 years in the Band of Brothers
Bob worked on a number of projects: wheelchair ramps, 8-10 metal roofs on houses and one church
Bob was faithful, caring, and generous. He loved meeting on Tuesday mornings for Bible study and prayer. A number of years ago - to focus the discussion - Guy T. gave all of us a One Year NLT Bible. Each Tuesday we discuss what spoke to us, any special insights, pose questions. Bob recently said this truly Changed his life. Bob's Bible has color-coded notes for each year dating back to 2008, and it is so worn, he had to tape it back together and make his own cover.
Martha - Bob was so proud of you. As with me - Bob truly married up. Just last week Bob told me something Martha said - so wise. Martha said "Prayer - is talking to God. Reading and studying the Bible - is God speaking to us." This really spoke to me.
Psalms 119:105    Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalms 119:11    Your word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee.
Psalms 1:1-2
Blessed is the one
   who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
   or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
   and who meditates on his law day and night.
God's word was in Bob's heart. Therefore God came pouring from Bob's mouth. Bob was not an undercover Christian. If you met Bob, you knew he was a Christian. He was a tremendous and continual witness.
You have probably heard, "Live your life so the preacher does not have to lie at your funeral." Bob did so much better - he lived his life and his works preached his own funeral.
2 Timothy 4
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me--the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.
That is for you and me today. Bob would want me to tell you - we know where Bob is today - Jesus is a way - he is the only way. Bob loved the BOBs, he loved you dearly Martha - Matthew, Heather - grandkids.
Bob was not just a church member here, he was my friend. Thank you for sharing Bob with us.

YouTube Playlist

Family Comments - Martha and Matthew

(I am extremely grateful for the individual who thought quickly enough to film this--but that doesn't mean I have to like the portrait orientation...)

(You can launch YouTube here if the playlist does not embed properly)

Songs

Alecia did an amazing job singing these songs and I'm so sad we didn't capture the events of that day. Over the holidays, Dad was sharing Mark Lowry and Gaither videos with me, so I picked a couple of their renditions of the songs Alecia sang for Dad.

I remember Dad singing some of these songs in church when I was young and I even went digging for old VHS tapes to see if I could find any of his performances. Hopefully, one day, we'll find them.

Tribute Video

Thank you to the James and Sikes Funeral Home for their services and support behind the scenes.
Thank you to the BOBs and all who have fed and cared for us these past two weeks.
A huge thank you to David for officiating the ceremony--I can't begin to express my gratitude.

And thank you to you--all our friends and family who share these treasured memories with us.

Book Review: Prince Lander and the Dragon War by S.D. Smith

2022-04-29T04:22:00.003-05:00

Prince Lander and the Dragon War by S.D. Smith
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I love S.D. Smith's books, and usually love them even more after reading a second time. However, the Tales of Old Natalia books are always difficult for me to review, in a similar way that it is difficult to review The Legend of Korra without comparing it to Avatar: The Last Airbender. So I plan to approach this review from three angles:
1. Standalone plot and story
2. The lore in the greater Green Ember series.
3. Narration (Audiobook)
So let's dig into Prince Lander and the Dragon War.
(please understand, I've only read this once so far, and this is probably the most critical review I've written for one of S.D. Smith's books)

First, the plot and story, and how well Prince Lander and the Dragon War stands on it's own merits. S.D. Smith sticks to his usual writing style of filling the story with emotion and adrenaline. This has worked well enough in some of his other books, but I've always viewed it as one of Smith's weaknesses. This is usually my reasoning behind 4-star ratings for books that I find myself loving. I think Prince Lander suffers more than other books in the series due to lack of character development as we jump from one adrenaline-fueled jaunt to the next. There are a lot of questions established as this story charges heedlessly into the fray, but few of them are answered because Smith doesn't spend much time in those character driven moments. Who is Hollie Grimble and does she have any significance? She could have easily become a love interest that could lead to a marriage bringing peace between the factions... but no. She doesn't seem to have any significance. Who are Lander's brothers? I just don't care enough about them. Why is everyone so quick to turn on King Whitson? I guess because he made them all settle right next door to the dragons--again, WHY? Who are the Drekkers (I know this is explained, but is it really)? Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the Drekkers; I just didn't understand their role. Oath sworn to the king, but we won't honor it or pick sides, but we'll pick your side...
In a sense, the plot suffers from a "chosen one" trope. Prince lander spends the entire book trying to unravel and bring about prophecies about the star sword, in essence, trying to make himself the chosen one. There's a sense that all depends on Lander, and despite injuries and overwhelming odds, nothing would succeed without him.
There's also (annoyingly) a new catchphrase for this book: "Defend all. All defend." While I love Blackstar's oath, this is the one book where it somewhat makes sense to have another catchphrase--Blackstar's not here and King Whitson's trying to build a community. I still think it's unnecessary, and the oath would have been fine.

Second analysis: Lore in the overall Green Ember series.
My overall thoughts... think Solo: A Star Wars Story--it's telling a story that is legendary and mysterious within the lore of it's own universe... and then it fails to deliver that legend. Without spoilers, I think there could have been more to how the dragons ended up under the lake at First Warren. I'll go back to The Green Ember and my review of The Black Star of Kingston--these are supposed to be stories that Picket and Heather grew up listening to. Picket idolizes Blackstar and his devotion in protecting King Whitson, but they spent all of 5 seconds together. Yes Blackstar shows up in this book, but he's never with King Whitson.
After The Wreck and Rise of Whitson Mariner, I thought Massie would have made a better idol for Picket, as he never left Lander's side--but then he disappeared in this book.
Sadly this book just doesn't fit into the established lore of the series. Sure, names and hints and little Easter eggs are scattered throughout the book, but I'm sad to say it's not a satisfying, cohesive tale.

Finally, the narration by Eric Fritzius.
I love Joel Clarkson's narration of the main Green Ember series, but I've always struggled to enjoy Eric Fritzius's narration of the Tales of Old Natalia and the Green Archer series. He does well enough with voice variations and accents, but most of the time I just imagine a character sounding differently, especially in this book. This is probably because all the truly old characters (King Whitson, Blackstar, Massie, etc.) don't sound old enough, which makes Lander sound too old. I just didn't enjoy the narration. The Drekker voices are fun, same as Jimmy Docker was.

At the end of the read, this book was a lot of hype, and I'm surprised I'm giving it 4 stars. I'm tempted to only give it 3. I'll read again soon with my daughter, and maybe it'll grow on me. I'm sorry, I really wanted to love this book.

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Two Songs for the World Today

2022-04-13T16:17:00.001-05:00

Wow. Thinking of problems today, and why we can’t get people into one room to share simple discussions. (Last week, someone commented that you can only lead a horse so close to water before you end up with a drowned horse.) We need connection so much, and yet no one is willing to enter the room (or arena as Brené Brown calls it, currently reading Dare to Lead). I just want to quit and give up trying, but am I doing this for me, or for the people I hope to get into the room?

Then it hit me. Two songs came to mind. The first song I thought of is the reason people won't enter the room. The second song that came to mind later signifies getting people into the room to discuss the problem.

First song: "So Selfish It's Funny"
(lyrics below, but if playing the video, you may want to turn the volume down)

Song: So Selfish It's Funny
Band: Showbread
Album: No Sir, Nihilism Is Not Practical
Lyrics:

Someday they'll write a book about you
Because you're so selfish it's funny
So self-absorbed, this thunderous horde
Of you, you, you
So self-absorbed, this thunderous horde
Of you, you, you

Yeah, I'd love you
But you love yourself
And you'd love me
But I love myself

So tense are these nerves in any instance
Teeth snap and a toe taps the dirt
Cry like a baby and see if then maybe the others will cherish your hurt
Never you see a cry or a plea
Consider another or first
Know this is YOUR world
The harsh words you have hurled
Recall you are the one in need worse

Yeah, I'd love you
But you love yourself
And you'd love me
But I love myself
Yeah, I'd love you
But you love yourself

Ignoring you, I dance, oh I do
Through magnificent realms, quite divine
Stopping to see my face smiling at me
For this is my life and my time

Yeah, I'd love you
But you love yourself
And you'd love me
But I love myself
Yeah, I'd love you
But you love yourself
And we'd serve you
But we serve ourselves

What an arduous task, it proves such a feat to be only one of a kind
Through the scenery slips through the spaces we meet
Press forward and leave me behind

What a child you are, for you look just like me
Looking out for number one, I'm all that I have and all that I see
Saved by the grace of the Son
So shall we deny?
And rot as we die?
As I write a book about me
My noble wealth of serving myself
I am so selfish it's funny

Second song, “Colored People” by dc Talk
(much easier on the ears, lyrics still below)

Song: Colored People
Band: dc Talk
Album: Jesus Freak
Lyrics:

Pardon me, your
Epidermis is showing, sir
I couldn't help but
Note your shade of melanin
I tip my hat to the colorful arrangement
Cause I see the beauty in the tones of our skin

We've gotta come together
And thank the Maker of us all

We're colored people, and we live in a tainted place
We're colored people, and they call us the human race
We've got a history so full of mistakes
And we are colored people who depend on a Holy Grace

A piece of canvas is only the beginning for
It takes on character
With every loving stroke
This thing of beauty is the passion of an Artist's heart
By God's design, we are a skin kaleidoscope

We've gotta come together,
Aren't we all human after all?

We're colored people, and we live in a tainted place
We're colored people, and they call us the human race
We've got a history so full of mistakes
And we are colored people who depend on a Holy Grace

Ignorance has wronged some races
And vengeance is the Lord's
If we aspire to share this space
Repentance is the cure

Well, just a day in the shoes of a color blind man
Should make it easy for you to see
That these diverse tones do more than cover our bones
As a part of our anatomy

We're colored people, and we live in a tainted place
We're colored people, and they call us the human race
We've got a history so full of mistakes
And we are colored people who depend on a Holy Grace

We're colored people, and we all gotta share this space
(Yeah we've got to come together somehow)
We're colored people, and we live in a tainted world
(Red and yellow, black and white)
We're colored people, every man, woman, boy, and girl
(Colored people, colored people, colored people, colored people, yeah)

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Giving up to start again

2022-04-10T18:55:00.004-05:00

This past week has been rough.

Monday I told my boss I planned to do something in a month and he said he approved of the idea.
Tuesday I was crushed due to lack of participation in a project I've been working on, which ultimately throws off the plans I proposed on Monday (hard to host a special event when nobody wants to participate).
Wednesday, I had the opportunity to discuss my project with a coach in order to iron out kinks and hopefully, eventually, push the project to a larger audience. My coach was in a van full of people on the road, distracted, and the call dropped several times before it devolved into a text message conversation with no productive outcome.
Thursday, I felt so defeated, I didn't bother participating in my own project event. I didn't even bother checking in with the people that normally participate to see if it went well, or even happened at all. I was ready to throw in the towel.

I've been listening to the book "Dare to Lead" by Brené Brown, and Tuesday, I came across the section where she shares a story by Retired Air Force Colonel Dede Halfhill. The story touched on exactly what I was feeling and struggling with all week--exhaustion and loneliness.

I loved the way Dr. Brown narrated the story in the book, so I went looking for a clip of that exact audio on YouTube. I didn't find it, but I did find a couple videos with different tellings of the same story.

edit: I should add that this list is in the order I found these videos. I've been bouncing around rewatching them to absorb the story, and I'd probably recommend watching them in chronological order: 2010 TED Talk, 2012 TED Talk, The Art of Language and Connection, and finally the Interview with Col Halfhill (retired). Now back to my regularly scheduled chaos...

First, here's the story. A weaker telling, but as close to the book as I could find:

This story revealed to me that the exhaustion I'm facing is LONELINESS. I feel alone in my efforts. I feel alone because I can't express my feelings with anyone due to the mandate of sterile, politically correct language. I lack friends. I feel alone at work. I feel alone at home. I don't know how to connect with others, or who to connect with. But this story tells me I'm not alone in those feelings.

In my search for other versions of the story, I found a full interview with Col Halfhill (retired) that covered The Man in the Arena quote by Theodore Roosevelt and how she met Brené Brown and shared the story that ended up in the book. I watched shortened clips of the interview out of order, but here's the full interview from start to finish. Thank you Josh for starting The HeroFront Podcast. I wish I had found this nine months ago:

This interview mentioned Brené Brown's TED Talks, so I went digging for those.

First there was Brené Brown's 2010 TED talk on Vulnerability:

And finally, Brené Brown's 2012 TED Talk on Shame (I think this one is stronger than the 2010 talk):

So now I'm back to reassessing the value of my project. Ultimately, I have to remember it's not about me. As I prepare to share some of these videos with my coworkers, and open up about my struggles, I drafted up the following to describe why I continue pressing forward:

For every one of me that's struggling to get people involved, there are hundreds of you who could potentially benefit from one of these discussions. So I can't give up.

Ultimately, the potential benefit this might bring far outweighs my frustrations and disappointments.

Accordingly, God reminded me this morning that He is bigger than my unmet expectations.

Also, just to end this in the key of AWESOME! Col Halfhill's story reminds me of this amazing song:

Jars of Clay, "Work" from the album Good Monsters (which is truly incredible, if you haven't heard it).

Another highlight from Good Monsters is the track "Oh My God":

And I'm done. Thanks.

The Tales of Old Natalia - Bear the Flame

2022-03-17T19:07:00.002-05:00

So very excited by the mail today! (Even though my head is severely congested and I'm actually feeling rather miserable--I'm getting over a cold.)

Today, arrived a package bearing a golden sticker.

"Bear the Flame" it exclaims.

Here I have demonstrated the proper way to handle the golden stickers before recycling the package:

Oh! And this book was also included in the package:

You may want to check it out. Right, now. Before it's too late.

Tales of Old Natalia, Book 3: Prince Lander and the Dragon War

And if you haven't read the first two books (or 9 other related Green Ember books), you can pick up The Tales of Old Natalia, Book 1: The Black Star of Kingston for just 99 cents on Kindle, or get The Green Ember audiobook for free on S. D. Smiths website:

Operation Black Star Rising: Uncle Sam Needs YOU!

Here's my review of The Black Star of Kingston, recently copied from Audible to Goodreads:

The Black Star of Kingston by S.D. Smith
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Stories of bravery and stories to make us brave

I thought I had reviewed this last year (2019), but the review isn't here (Audible.com), so I guess it didn't save properly. So here I am again.
I was really excited for this book, but ended up a bit disappointed for various reasons.
First, coming off of Joel Clarkson's narration of The Green Ember, Eric Fritzius just didn't give the audiobook the same life. Compared to Joel Clarkson's narration, this started out sounding like a text-to-speech engine for me. The narration moves too quickly and is mostly robotic with little variation (excluding Jimmi Docker, who stands out in my memory).
The next disappointment was not so much in the story, but in the presentation. In The Green Ember, the tales of Blackstar and Whitson Mariner are referenced as stories that were told over and over for the children. So I guess I was expecting and looking forward to something that was more episodic adventures, or perhaps 5-minute-story type chapters, rather than a long flowing story, that doesn't present itself as much of a bedtime story. Then the last piece to this disappointment, is that this seems to be the one adventure of Blackstar and King Whitson together, where The Green Ember makes it sound like Blackstar and the king were inseparable and had many adventures for many years.
So that's all for my nitpicking.
Other than the narration, and the story not being quite what I expected, it was a great story. Much shorter than The Green Ember, and less child-focused, but that doesn't make it any less child-friendly.
At only about one third the length of The Green Ember, the character development is quick, but strong, and the only place where the overall story suffers from the compression is that it could focus a bit more on the virtues of being brave, as that seems to be the legend behind the tale. The character lessons on bravery are subtle at best.
It focuses on the settling of Natalia and their first encounter with the birds of prey. You meet Blackstar the gardener, who wants to mine for coal, and King Whitson who has not been raised to be a king and must learn to come to grips with the demands of ruling and caring for the rabbits in his community. This introduces the origins of Blackstar's "My place beside you" oath; the creed of all rabbits loyal to King Whitson and his line.
I've listened to the Audible version twice now and just finished reading the Kindle version with our 7-year-old daughter. She loves this series (overall Green Ember series), and I'm very excited to be able to share it with her, because I love the series too. As I've said for other reviews in the series, I think most of these books deserve a solid 4 stars, but many I bump up to 5 because they're such an enjoyable ride, despite their flaws. The Black Star of Kingston sits solidly at a 4 in my eyes, especially the audio version.

[2022 Update]
And yet I still feel bad marking it down a star, because I love S. D. Smith and the series he's created.
I'm really excited to continue the Tales of Old Natalia with Book 3: Prince Lander and the Dragon War.
It comes out next month, so go pick up the series and get caught up!

View all my reviews

The Coming of "Prince Lander and the Dragon War"

2022-02-11T18:03:00.005-06:00

Well, S.D. Smith has finished writing the 10th book in the Green Ember universe, and I'm stoked.

Pre-order your copy of Prince Lander and the Dragon War (Tales of Old Natalia, Book 3): https://sdsmith.com/store/

I'm writing this post for three reasons:

1. S.D. Smith has a contest for the release of the new book, and I didn't read all the details, but you have to create your own post about the series and you can read more details on Mr. Smith's blog.

2. So that all of my many zeros of readers will know how much I love the Green Ember series, I'm including in this post my 3-year-old review of the very first book, The Green Ember.

3. Finally, my nine-year-old daughter colored these pictures when she was seven! I've been a terrible father, and never shared them with S.D. Smith on Facebook like I was supposed to. So here they are:

And here's my review of The Green Ember. Don't let the 4 stars fool you, we truly love this series. I have re-read this book at least four times after my initial review, one of those times being when I began reading the entire series to my daughter.

The Green Ember by S.D. Smith
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

(Original review was posted 17 January 2019 on Audible. Updated some comments during my second listen in July 2019. Let a second listen within a year tell you how much I've enjoyed this series, even if I only gave it 4 stars.)

I was a little slow to get into this story, but perhaps it's just adjusting to a new narrator or getting to know the new characters in an audiobook. I can't say I was terribly fond of the reader. Sometimes his accents were far too strong and difficult to understand, other times his accents and pronunciations were inconsistent. For example a character with a gruff, raspy voice would sometimes lose the growl and occasionally have a much more normal voice. Overall, I think he did a decent job reading and he certainly has a wide range of voices and accent variations at his command to personify the different characters. There were just a few that needed to be toned down a bit. (On my second listen through, I still agree some of the accents should be toned down, but overall, I think I'm more able to appreciate the narration. He really does do a great job bringing these characters to life.)
The story starts off with a brief moment of peace before quickly throwing the characters into chase after chase. As soon as you think things are calming down, they're sprinting again. Even when the action lets up and allows you to catch your breath, the story builds a rich lore with glimpses of the histories of the world and characters. The running seemed a bit excessive early on, and started to lose my interest, but the middle smoothed the pace out and it all ended with an exhilarating dash to the finish.
There were certainly some things that didn't make much sense to me and although I tried listening to chapters over to see if I had missed something, I ended up just accepting it and moving on and usually things eventually became clear. One of these was the idea of the Mended Wood. At first mention it was given such weight by the character describing it and while the importance passes to the characters in the book, the description fell flat for me and I felt somewhat uninterested in the heroes' cause. It wasn't until a good while later when more history and lore was revealed that the idea truly started to feel important to me.
Another characterization that bugged me was Pickett's anger. Although I understand he's going through a lot and emotions are bound to run high, his constant and irrational anger seemed to be a crutch the author used to make him seem young or flawed. I still don't understand why he was angry all the time unless I'm supposed to just perceive him as an angsty teenager.
Everything seemed to come together very well at the end, and it was very exciting. Definitely ended on a high note.
One thing my imagination did while listening that I found very interesting was how I visualized the characters in my head. Although I generally visualized the characters as humanoid rabbits on two feet, as seen on the book cover, throughout the whole book, whenever characters were running, I instinctively imagined them on all fours. I continued this visualization instinctively all the way until some point near the end of the book when a description stood out to me to more clearly express a character was running on two legs rather than all fours and it almost diminished the effect of the movement for me. Just an interesting thing, I thought. I think I'd like to continue imagining the characters as running on all fours as it makes their movements seem more graceful and powerful as opposed to two large rabbit feet flapping around awkwardly like trying to run in diving flippers. (Guess I could always imagine Officer Hopps from Zootopia)

Overall an enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to continuing the journey in the Ember series.

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Don't forget to pre-order Prince Lander and the Dragon War!

Book Review: Deep Work (by Cal Newport)

2022-01-29T17:53:00.002-06:00

Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I love the concepts presented in this book. As such, I probably shouldn't be here writing a review (others have already written reviews better than what I could write).
All I need is a day-by-day guide and a coach to keep me on track building good focus habits for a year.
Speaking of a day-by-day guide to coach me into focus, my biggest critique for this book is with pacing. I don't know if it was the narration of the audio book, or maybe the length of sections and chapters in the book. The narrator isn't bad, but he just couldn't hold my attention (the irony). I can't say that this is entirely the narrator's fault. It could be the writing, it could be that I've been tired or distracted while trying to listen. Whatever the case, I found myself constantly jumping back 5-10 minutes because I had lost track of the point.

I don't need this book to convince me that I (and all of society) are chronically distracted. What I do need, is a guide to help the chronically distracted learn to focus, and I feel like this book misses that mark. Cal presents a lot of great points and ideas, but could have made them easier to digest and put into practice. That is to say, if I need to have deep focus in order to read your book and start practicing deep focus basics... well, I'm already failing, aren't I?
As I was jotting down notes on my highlighted bookmarks, I found several well written summaries of the book and concepts online. I'd start there.

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The Absence Between

2021-11-12T01:58:00.004-06:00

I tried to type this up to mimic the way I used space when I wrote it on paper.

2021-10-16

The absence between

A and C

As though leaving it out means

It goes away

1 and 3 equals B

Bliss must be ignorance

Because if I just pretend

Then it doesn't exist

But some things are better left unsaid

The space between

The floors in the building

This tower to heaven reaches higher than it ought

(Has no one noticed the foundation is flawed?)

But there's no stopping a bullet

Train of thought

Better we not say anything at all

The absence between

The thoughts ~~you~~ I say

And the words that ~~you~~ I mean

I'll be imaginary until proven guilty

Because a jury of peers

Lack the control for silence

Background: I wrote this while flying on an airplane. On the plane, I noticed they did not label the 13th row of seats, just like in buildings that also tend to skip numbering for the 13th floor. Along with everything else going on in the world, I thought this was a somewhat absurd practice and tried experimenting with it.

In the first stanza, I'm using the letter B as imagery for 13 if the 1 and 3 were pushed too close together. The second stanza speaks of the building with more floors than the actual height, because they number the 13th floor as 14. In the last stanza, I originally wrote "you" but I crossed it out and changed to "I," and I liked the look of that because it could be either, or both. The final stanza was meant to allude to mathematics and the imaginary number, as well as the court trials that have been consuming the news.

Returning to the scene... 2021.12.14

I wrote the poem above while flying home from San Antonio. I wrote the poem below the night before, trying to capture some of the emotions going through me while I was visiting San Antonio. "Returning to the scene" was supposed to be a clever way to identify that this was an update/edit to this blog post, but it could also be a good title for this poem.

2021-10-16 (0131)

Hard to find words to identify

These feelings have been overwhelming me

The anxiety building inside my heart beat

I was last here a child

Now, though grown, I still feel the shadow

The breakdown of self as I travel

Do any of you see the significance?

Am I alone in this awe?

I was first here a child

Background: I'm unsure how to capture my feelings as I return to Lackland for the first time since I went through Basic Training in 2009. I had a lot of feelings washing over me and I felt small and insignificant.

As I was flying here, I saw a group of "kids" wearing Air Force shirts. When we transferred planes and they boarded the San Antonio flight with me, I knew they were on their way to Basic Training. They're not kids.

This is also my first time traveling away from my family in almost four years, and that brings its own emotions. Not to mention the stress added by COVID restrictions and the past two years.

The Right, Wrong Answer

2021-01-26T02:40:00.001-06:00

So, I just watched a video, which I thought was outstanding, until I wanted to comment and find an answer to a problem. The only problem with my comment was that it opened up other problems and would probably upset people. So I'll post it here where it's less likely to offend someone (or ever be seen at all).

Here's the video by Cinema Therapy: Therapist Reacts to Implicit Bias in ZOOTOPIA

My issue was with the "articulate fella'" compliments. I've been guilty of saying such things myself and I wanted my comment to express my concern of what should I say (if anything) in those types of situations? What my comment ended up saying was "I understand how you're offended, but do you see how that offends me?" and I've already been here all night going back and forth with the logic of "I see how you can see that, but can you see how I meant it?" and it's driving me nuts. This is what's kills me about whatever this is, "woke" culture or "cancel" culture. I don't know what it is, but these days we're expected to treat everyone equally, but equally based on what? I can't treat one person or party one way without offending another, and I'm so tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells because you've established the standard that I'm not allowed to offend you or anyone else! That's the issue I want an answer to. Can we all just agree to not be offended? Or does that offend someone? (of course it does!)

So here's my rambling comment that will not be posted on the video itself:

Okay, to flip this away from race, because I've been guilty of "articulate fella'" comments, and I don't want to dig myself into that hole, but I do want to delve into how to fix it. So to look at a similar problem from a different perspective, I was recently thinking about how to encourage my daughter with school as she grows. I grew up with the typical A-F and 100 points or less grading scales. My daughter's elementary report cards now simply say "Meets", "Approaching", or "Below" the standard (MS, AS, BS)... (on a side note... that grade is BS!). Back on track, because this is serious, and I hope you'll see my comparison here in a second. I was thinking about when I was a kid, I had friends who would get monetary rewards for an A or B on their report cards, so I told my mom, because I wanted a reward too. But here's the problem, some of my friends usually had Cs, and had to work really hard for those Bs and As. I almost always had As. So I could easily get the same reward, but it doesn't mean the same thing.
Let's change the situation and reward a bit and say my daughter always gets MS, but my son always gets AS. How do I express the same love to both children when I get very excited that my son got an MS, but for my daughter, MS is just par for the course and I still love her the same? Do you see where I'm going with this and how it ties back to the "articulate fella'" type "compliments"? Am I wrong for getting excited that my son got an MS? Is it just as wrong as being excited to meet "a real articulate fella'" when I expected they wouldn't be? Do I love my daughter less because she can't exceed an established standard but love my son more because he can exceed his standard?
I know that problem is fairly straight forward, but do you see the hidden problem (and the hole I didn't want to dig myself into)?
I'll call it the "I'm offended that you're offended" problem.
Let's say I reward my son for his hard work and give him $5. Then I also reward my daughter with $5 because she did well too. Is it right for my son to be offended that his sister got the same reward even though she might not have had to work as hard? Is it right for my daughter to be offended that her brother got the same reward when she could have done better if the standard allowed for a "better" rating? Now with both of them offended, am I not allowed to be offended that they are offended by my reward?
I know this is a little bit different than biased complements, but this is the problem, and I'm not sure there is ever a right answer. If a person can mow a lawn in 45 minutes, do they deserve more/less/the same pay as a person who takes 60 minutes? Say one is a person of color, one is a woman, one is tall, weak, strong, fast, slow... How do we treat people equally? If you're offended at me because you think I'm treating you unequally, can I be offended right back because I did my best to be fair?
How do I encourage my daughter and son to strive for excellence equally when excellence is different for each? How do I avoid instilling a bias that my daughter "outshines" other kids at school (or at home) because she always "meets the standard"? Is the reward the problem? Is the standard? We are all different. I can't tell my son to "be smarter" or "more articulate" any more than I can tell my daughter to "be less smart" or "less articulate."
So how do we compliment and encourage desirable traits and behaviors without discouraging based on stereotypes and biases? Who establishes desirable traits and behaviors?

So, going off now on a tangent and rant that will get me in trouble...

Typically, it seems the little person (minority) is offended that they were stepped on by the bigger person (majority), and it is generally perceived that the bigger should apologize because they've hurt the smaller. Normally, I would completely agree, and politely apologize saying "I'm sorry I didn't see you there and bumped into you and accidentally stepped on you." But when the smaller comes in accusing the bigger of "consuming more resources" or "taking up more space" or "you breathe more air" or whatever the offense of the week is, how long will the bigger keep giving ground and apologizing?

I'm not trying to be hateful, I'm just trying to express my frustration that the offended party is so insistent on changing the party that offended them. There are a lot of changes that I agree, make sense, but others are extreme and unnecessary, but just the fact that I say that, offends someone and it has to be fixed.

It's like a cylinder being offended that a cube is square and symmetrical. Maybe all the doors are rectangles because that's the most accommodating shape to both cylinders and cubes of most sizes, but then some of the cylinders insist the doors be made into circles to match their shape. Then the doors have to be made huge so that cubes can fit through. Maybe a cylinder was offended because someone assumed it was a cylinder because it had a rounded edge. Perhaps it is the same height as it is wide and fancies itself a rounded cube.

A big one for me, being raised in private schools, was always science. Wikipedia Article: Rejection_of_Evolution_by_Religious_Groups. Imagine my surprise when I went to public school for the first time and not only was I taught that Evolution was fact, but no theory that I had ever learned before in my life was even mentioned because they were religious. It seems like arguments on both sides of the fence are firmly rooted in the "you can't disprove my theory" boat, but simply because the religious theories require a belief in a higher power, they are not taught in public schools and thus evolution becomes fact. How is teaching Creation theories in private school even legal if evolution is such an indisputable fact? It's like teaching that 2+2=5 as long as you show all of your work (oh wait... that's a thing too!). Point is, if you want equal treatment, then treat EVERYONE equally! Expect that everyone will be equally offended.

Teach all religions, teach all sciences, teach all everything, teach all cultures and customs and manners. We can be equally offensive to all people and just say "sorry, not sorry." If we're going to walk on eggshells, you need to walk on eggshells too.

I quit. I don't have the right answer, and even if I did, it would be wrong. I try to be understanding and fair. How fair do we have to be with everyone before it becomes unfair to everyone else? Perhaps we should all gouge out our eyes and cut out our tongues and live in blind silence. I quit. Thank you for ruining my night, brain!

Did you know that in my wife's culture it's considered polite to talk while your eating? Knowing that doesn't make me any less disgusted when I'm stuck sitting with someone chatting through a mouth full of food. They also don't use the word please, which is weird when trying to teach our children manners. "Please say please when you ask for something" vs "sure you can have this, I never had to say please growing up."

AHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHRHRRR!!!!

Book writing with words

2021-01-22T00:57:00.001-06:00

Long ago (more than half my life at this point) I started writing a book. At the time I was maybe 15, and heavily inspired by Christopher Paolini's Eragon. I had planned to write a series about a great war, heavily influenced by the Suikoden games and the concept of the main character recruiting numerous characters and building up a castle/fortress/town with all the characters recruited. Obviously I never finished. I wrote and rewrote six to ten chapters and eventually found myself distracted from the story by the world building. I started creating lore and creatures and eventually stopped writing the story. So the notes and ideas sat dormant for a long while, always in the back of my mind as something I wanted to finish but never got around to. Lately, ideas and inspiration have been flooding my mind at every turn and I find myself longing to write. So I'm here, writing.

I used to keep all my writings in Word documents: poems, songs, my book and notes, copies of AOL IM conversations, text messages, email conversations, backed up MySpace posts and comments. I had documents for all sorts of nonsense and memories. In one late night session of file organizing inspiration back in 2014, I decided I wasn't actively using any of the files, so I could save some hard drive space by compressing everything into a zipped folder. Because securing my files seemed like a good idea, I password protected the file with 256-bit encryption. I remember creating the password and saving it in my KeePass database. It was around 2 in the morning and I looked around the room, merging words from random objects I saw, and because my KeyPass database would keep it safe, I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting it. It wasn't until two or three years later when I went looking for some file that I discovered I did not save the password, or it accidently ended up deleted in a database conflict. I also couldn't remember my late night inspired, random password. So I now have a wonderful zipped file with all my old writings and files sitting on my desktop as a constant reminder that I cannot access it.

Fortunately, the one folder I left out of the zipped file was the book that I always wanted to finish writing but never took time to work on. So all my chapters and notes are still accessible.

In the past couple years, I moved all my notes to OneNote, and that's where I've been throwing all my notes lately. I keep jotting down random ideas and thoughts. When I moved all my notes to OneNote I read through a lot of them trying to remember all of my original ideas and plans (that I thought were impossible to ever forget). I realized I've forgotten almost everything. Even some notes I wrote down don't make sense because I can't remember the context of ideas that inspired them. So I'm almost starting with a clean slate. Sure I have a handful of chapters written and plenty of world building notes, but there are a lot of bits and pieces I have forgotten completely. If I remember my original plans, I start there, but I've allowed myself the freedom to adjust and some characters/ideas I've completely redefined. So I've been thinking up character backstories and plot twists and taking lots of random notes, but I have yet to revisit the previously written chapters.

It's a wonderful feeling of inspiration, but I hate to find myself sitting at the computer at night. I spend all day in front of a computer for work, and I really don't want to come home to another computer, but the inspiration and ideas are overflowing from my head while I'm working, while I'm driving--anywhere and everywhere I'm coming up with new ideas and it's so exciting! So I think I'm willing to sacrifice some more time in front of a computer to get back to writing.

On that note, maybe six or seven years ago I discovered Scrivener, the word processing software for authors, but I wasn't writing at the time and didn't want to spend money on something I might not use. So I filed it away in Evernote for "someday." I've decided someday is finally here. I'm going to buy Scrivener and I'm stoked!

Will it help me write? Nah.

Will it help me organize my notes and thoughts? I certainly expect so.

Will I have to spend a good bit of time figuring out how to use it? I imagine I will.

But I'm stoked nonetheless.

Don't expect a finished book anytime soon, but know that it's on my mind.

Goodreads Audible Review - The Harbinger by Jonathan Cahn

2021-01-18T15:27:00.001-06:00

The Harbinger: The Ancient Mystery That Holds the Secret of America's Future by Jonathan Cahn
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I listened to the Audible version, narrated by the author.
The facts in this book are incredible and nearly unbelievable (but look them up, and you'll see). I highly recommend it. I think it mainly suffers in the way it was turned into a narrative.
First, I think it should have been written entirely in the first person, as it gets a little confusing (especially the audio version) when it jumps from the past (first person account) to the present (third person). As it was written, Nouriel is telling the story first person in the past, but becomes "he" in the present, which conflicts with the prophet being called "he" all the time as well. I think the three main speakers should be: Nouriel, always narrating in the first person, The Prophet in the past, often referred to as he or him, and Ana in the present referred as she/her from Nouriel's perspective. Might not be such an annoyance when actually reading the book, but when listening to the audio it was frustrating.
Second, speaking of the audiobook, the narration is good, because Cahn is passionate about his story and message, but I think it suffers because he doesn't usually create voices for the characters i.e. everyone sounds the same. So when Nouriel and The Prophet are discussing back and forth, interrupting or repeating each other and then Ana chimes in from the present, it's difficult to follow exactly who's talking unless it's tied to a "he said/I said/she said."
Third, on that repetition piece, sometimes it seems like Cahn just likes to hear his own story. I don't believe this is the case, I think he just wants to cover all angles and make sure the message comes across clearly by repeating key details. In the first half of the book, while revealing the harbingers, it worked well, but the repetition of the same things over and over started to get on my nerves later in the book.
My final critique is on solving the mysteries and Ana's character. First, the reputation established for Ana at the start of the book was powerful, and Nouriel's plea never would have convinced her to listen past five minutes. Second, I wish she had a larger part, for example, Nouriel could have visited her after receiving each seal, and she could have helped him solve the mysteries, but I guess that would have made it more story between Nouriel and Ana and less narrated dialogue between Nouriel and The Prophet. Finally, the solving of the mysteries of each seal was hit or miss. It seemed like a couple Nouriel didn't even solve or come close, he just ended up in the right place to meet The Prophet, while others had zero mystery and he figured out immediately. For example The Prophet showed up at the library to give Nouriel a hint on one of the seals, but then he ended up just explaining the whole thing anyway. Again, this would have turned more into a story about solving the mysteries, distracting from the message presented as a dialogue between Nouriel and The Prophet.
Not to say that the book was bad, but in the end, I think Cahn didn't want to write a list of facts, so he tried write a suspenseful novel about discovering true facts in mysteries, but failed to deliver some story elements because he didn't want the suspense and mystery to distract from the facts he wanted to get across. Again, seems like he's in love with the message and won't leave it for adding story bits, which is understandable.

A side note that has almost nothing to do with this book review, but it was just something in my mind that gave it an extra kick.
Toward the end when The Prophet voiced the call to "return" it reminded me of the song "Subject To Change" by Project 86, from their album …And The Rest Will Follow. "Subject to Change" has a section of the chorus that chants "return, return, return" and now reading the lyrics again, the song could easily stand beside Cahn's message (despite the album's release in 2005). It speaks of a character hiding in useless distractions and devices to escape from themselves and then calls them to "Return to yourself". The bridge toward the end could even be calling out the public's momentary turn to God following 9/11, stating "Remember when you nearly plunged into embrace? But instead you've chosen to keep it all at bay. (lyrics here: https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3...)

Overall, I was fascinated by what was presented in this book, just a little disappointed with some of the formatting and some areas of the story I felt were weak. But since this isn't about the story, it can be forgiven.
So 4 Stars for the story and audio narration, but 5 Stars for the message.

View all my reviews

A Lament (CTW)

2020-10-19T18:47:00.001-05:00

2020-10-19 0407

I can't sleep and I feign to call it grief. Just imagine what his family is feeling. I can't. I hope to call his parents and it terrifies me to think that the call might be more to comfort myself and will actual cause his parents more pain.

A simple prayer

In my nightmare

Is that this conversation

Won't be more (comfort) to me

Than it is (disruptive) to you

Cause I can't sleep

And my night's stare

Locked on the ceiling

Thinking of all that you endure

There's nothing I could say or do

And calling only serves to prove

That my temporary fits of grief

Are just a thimble in your boiling seas

My discomfort and my dis-ease

Nothing to a parents need

To hold their son again

I can hardly pretend to understand

And it's so unfair

That we call for peace

In your hour of grief

And we won't relent

No time to breathe

And my simple prayer

In this nightmare

Is that my call for peace

Won't cause you grief

Because despite my love

He wasn't my son

So I pray

The Lord

Bless you and keep you

In joy everlasting

Because I have nothing helpful to say

And maybe one day

You'll forgive my intrusion

The greatest of my sins

Disturbing the grief begins again

Love Amongst the Dragons

2020-09-09T19:56:00.001-05:00

Well, since the reddit post on this topic is archived and I can't comment on it, I'll just write about it here. Nobody reads this blog anyway, so it's just a note for myself.

The kids have been watching Avatar The Last Airbender (ATLA) for the first time and are almost finished with the whole series. Today we watched the episode The Ember Island Players, in which Zuko complains "Ugh! My mother used to take us to see them! They butchered Love Amongst The Dragons every year!" What is the importance of this play being mentioned in ATLA? Well, I don't think it was very important at all when the episode originally aired in 2008 except perhaps as a reference to Zuko's mother and childhood, but in 2017 one of the executive producers of ATLA began working on another show called The Dragon Prince (TDP). I started rewatching TDP last night, and in the first episode, Claudia is walking through the courtyard reading a book entitled "Love Amongst the Dragons."

I don't think I would have noticed this reference without having accidentally watched the two episodes within 24 hours of each other. Good catch to anyone who got this on memory alone!

{sitting in draft since 2015}

2020-08-31T20:54:00.000-05:00

(This post has been sitting unpublished for five years because I didn't like the last couple lines of the poem. I had manually set the "Published on" time for the draft to 2016-03-20 at 0052. Perhaps it's time I let go of that past and share.)

I had a thought that resulted in combining two recent poems into one and adding a single line; the new title.

~~Unmarked Graves~~ 2015-08-20 (0032)

What did you expect?
To pick up as if you'd never left?
This life moves on
There is no going back
The only glimpse you'll have
A snapshot in a photograph

Years of silence
I haven't written a thing
How amazing!
This wonder of expressing

Well I've been practicin' silence
Such a long time - practicin' silence
That it's so clear in my head
Every word that you said
(Well, that's every word you spoke in my head)

A simple memory
Brought it all back to me
All the moments
I can't see so clearly
Struggle and pain
Slowly weakening
A phoenix
Erupting into flame

"What did you expect of me?
That I'd just be here waiting?
This life moves on
As if it never happened
The only evidence (a historical record)
A faulty camera in your mind (What is a memory?)"

Such a long time coming my way
And I've been practicin' silence
Long enough to adapt to the sirens
Now the sounds ring
Loud in my head
It was all in my head
(Only ever in my head)
A skipping record
Left on repeat these six long years
And I've been lying in silence
I've been mastering the craft
An expert in the art
Of leaving truths unsaid
Lying in unmarked graves

And I've been practicing silence
Silently reciting all the thoughts I've never said
And I say I've been practicing silence
But in truth I've been practicing lies instead
Every love I never expressed for you
(A lie when it comes right down to the truth)

2020-08-31 (as I'm posting this)
Interesting [thinking introspectively]. I was uncomfortable with the last couple lines of this poem, and that's why I never posted it. In changing those few lines just now, I was looking back on my original document and found notes explaining what inspired this. I honestly don't remember any of this story of unmarked graves.

Here's what I wrote about this poem in 2015:

"An idea I had while listening to something by Arcade Fire (a concert of theirs on YouTube). Some song about soldiers. The imagery in my head from what I thought I heard them singing was that of Jews fleeing the Nazis in the woods.

"I had this image of being on the run and hiding in unmarked graves (althought I'm not sure if they actually said unmarked graves in the song or if that's just what I heard).

"Then thoughts came to mind of the idea I had written about in Practicing Silence. Combining the two ideas together brought me to the thought of not being myself. Hiding in an unmarked grave while waiting for my life to begin. Or waiting for a past life to come around again."

I have more personal notes there that I'm not comfortable sharing with the world, but it's certainly a millstone for me to carry. I ended my notes with this:

"This is the first I've ever written (or spoken) about these feelings in this way. I've never expressed [...] to anyone, or anywhere except in my head. Thus the importance of tying this unmarked graves idea to the thoughts behind Practicing Silence. Practicing Silence was also somewhat tied to the thoughts behind Years of Silence. Another idea with a similar theme that just didn't come out the same.

"I have a lot of difficulty speaking or even writing openly on this topic. So my first attempt cryptically tried to change the topic to not really seem that it was about what I truly wanted to say."

Had I posted this in 2015 when I wrote it, it would be right next to the referenced Years of Silence poem, which was in the blog post entitled "An Eternity (or A year and a half, in retrospect)".

There's no taking it back now.

Movie recommendations to show just how important connections are

2020-08-07T01:15:00.004-05:00

Several movies I've seen recently and really enjoyed.

A Whisker Away (2020)

This movie was beautiful and unexpected. Just came up recommended by Netflix one day (it had just released). It deals with so many serious emotional issues that we can all relate to in one way or another, but it does it in a beautifully imaginative way that makes it approachable, even for a younger audience who may not understand. The only part I really found myself disappointed with was the villain in the end. I think the best way I can explain it is, perhaps, there is enough villainy within ourselves, that I felt the movie didn't necessarily need to push that character as a villain toward the end. I guess I'm used to Studio Ghibli movies giving everyone a redemption arc and ending stories with everyone and no one being the villain from a certain point of view. Anyway, I still highly recommend A Whisker Away.

Also, the song during the credits is beautiful and reminds me of the song Vagabonds by The Classic Crime. Here is an acoustic version of Vagabonds and you can see how they start off calm and acoustic and accidentally explode with the energy of the song. So after hearing the song from A Whisker Away, I really hope The Classic Crime will do an acoustic piano version of Vagabonds, because I imagine it would be amazing. Can you imagine Andrew McMahon covering Vagabonds? Cause I'd pay to hear that!

Her (2013)

As mentioned in my last post, watching this movie is kind of what led me back here to the blog. It was really emotional and I don't know how to express how I felt about it. If you've ever fallen in love with the disembodied voice of someone on the phone, and then felt lost once the phone call ended, perhaps that is the feeling. I'm really not sure, but I really loved this movie.

Bright (2017)

Another movie I watched a couple weeks ago was Bright. It also brought about the realization that three years have passed and I'm behind the times again, but it sure isn't. Bright was also incredible in it's own way, touching very heavily on racial issues. I'm sarcastically certain that this movie inspired Disney/Pixar's Onward. It focuses on Will Smith, a human detective with the LAPD, who has been unwillingly partnered with the first orc police officer in a trial program that everyone not-so-secretly hopes will fail. The partners respond to a call and end up on the run trying to protect a young elf with a very illegal magical artifact. The racial tensions are out of control and I'd almost say this movie was ahead of it's time. I guess it wasn't that popular when it came out, but I loved it and really hope their's more to come. It felt like there were a lot of loose ends, and I'd really like to see more of the alternate world they created.
I guess I've been on a fantasy kick lately, because I also watched The Shannara Chronicles a couple months back and proceeded to read the first two Shannara books by Terry Brooks.

Anyway, three recommendations is good for now. In writing this post, I've been noticing the theme of connection and thinking just how important it is to the human spirit.

her

2020-08-07T00:08:00.003-05:00

I recently saw an article pushing a must-watch movie before it came off Netflix.

The movie was "her" and I sat down at 0100 in the morning to watch it on July 29, because it was coming down off of Netflix sometime that day, and I didn't want to miss it.

I was blown away and wondered how I had missed seeing the movie, as it released in 2013, but life's been busy.

IMDB: Her (2013)

I've been thinking I wanted to write a review, and perhaps I could sit down and start blogging again, using my blog to review movies I'm watching, or books I'm reading. Deep down I long to start writing again. We'll see.

I recently decided I want to read through all of The Chronicles of Narnia series, because I've never read them all before. I just finished The Magician's Nephew and started The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe today. I'm fascinated by the writing and how much detail exists in such short books. Modern books seem so long and weighed down with useless words, but C.S. Lewis was a true artists. He knew how to describe just enough to ignite a spark in the reader's mind, and the imagination takes care of the rest.

I imagine authors before the 80s or 90s probably had to write by hand, or typewriter. I imagine changing anything in their writings had a cost. Scribbled notes in random places, rewriting a whole page. They had to be selective and intentional with their words, but today words are cheap, and we can change them with a simple "delete" key. There is no cost, and authors (myself included) ramble on,

"All the clever words on pages turn to fragments;

Circles, points and lines, and cover them like carpets, with graceful,

Meaningless ornamental designs," (mewithoutYou quote from the song Seven Sisters).

Today we are too busy to spend too much time on any one thing. So unfocused and distracted.

I guess I still hold to the belief that I was born in the wrong time. Or perhaps I've just been misusing my time.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a line, even if it's only to myself. Perhaps I'll be back soon.

In coming back to Blogger, I just noticed a comment I had never seen on a post from two years ago. I feel so detached. I really need to reconnect with people.

I send my love. Even if you may not know it for a while, or ever. I still send my love in all the spaces between now and then.

"Not Done With You Yet"

2018-09-08T01:38:00.000-05:00

Wow!

Hello, old friend. It's been so long.
A blog! What's that? This used to be a place of freedom. A place to share with the people who weren't listening.
I want to write.
I keep watching videos on YouTube and thinking 'I used to have something to say.' Now I just have things to not say. Strangely enough, that seems to be the theme of all "recent" blog posts--silence.

Hmm... Just had the thought to look it up. It looks like I started this Blogger blog back in either Jan 2008 or late 2007 and added in all my old LiveJournal and MySpace posts. So this might be my 10-year anniversary year-ish, although I haven't really been active for a number of years.

But back to silence and breaking.
My work supervisor sat me down for a talk today. Recommended I go talk to someone (get professional help).
I imagine it's because I left a sticky note on my desk with a Jars of Clay quote on it:
"I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work" which taken out of the context of the song could seem like a reason to be concerned.

There's also been a lot of stress in life lately. Cancer in the family tends to have that effect.
All the things in my head that I could say... You know when there should be inspiration, but what you get just falls flat. Think of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.

I wish I could just pour my heart out. I feel like I put my life on pause 10 years ago and it's becoming so exhausting to keep moving on without it.

My supervisor's not wrong. I am stressed and I do probably need to talk to someone, but no matter who it is, it's not who I want to talk to.

Perhaps it can just be you for now. Perhaps I'll be back soon. Maybe I'll find my way back from tired to inspired.

Currently Listening to:

How To Be Human

Apr 28, 2017

by The Classic Crime and Vocal Few

An Eternity (or A year and a half, in retrospect)

2015-03-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

It's been so long.

I was just looking over my bookmarks and decided I wanted to post a blog. Doesn't matter that no one reads it. I've been wanting to blog for years. Which reminds me. Here is something I wrote, not too long ago (although, not as recent as I thought, I guess), about that very feeling. Incomplete, and very much not going the direction I wanted to go with it. There are so many things I just don't feel free to say anymore. I've wanted to write about this feeling, but I'm not free to express those thoughts. And so... Silence.

Years of Silence

2014-09-15 (1300)

What did you expect?
To pick up as if you'd never left?
This life moves on
There is no going back
The only glimpse you'll have
A snapshot in a photograph

Years of silence
I haven't written a thing
How amazing!
This wonder of expressing

A simple memory
Brought it all back to me
All the moments
I can't see so clearly
Struggle and pain
Slowly weakening
Then life bursts out of the nothing
A phoenix erupting into flame

What did you expect of me?
That I'd just be here waiting?
This life moves on
As if it never happened
The only evidence (a historical record)
A faulty camera in our mind (What is a memory?)

Ah!! That wasn't the one I was thinking of, but they share a similar train of thought. Here's the more recent one I was thinking of. Still, incomplete. The idea was to be practicing silence, which later would become practicing lies. I guess I kind of hint to that in the end, but it still wasn't complete.

Practicing Silence 2015-01-20 (1730)

(inspired while listening to Mike Mains and the Branches)

Well I've been practicin' silence
Such a long time - practicin' silence
That it's so clear in my head
Every word that you said
(Well, that's every word you spoke in my head)
Such a long time coming my way
And I've been practicin' silence
Long enough to adapt to the sirens
Now the sounds ring
Loud in my head
It was all in my head
2015-01-27 (1617)
(Only ever in my head)
A skipping record
Left on repeat these six long years
And I've been lying in silence
I've been mastering the craft
An expert in the art
Of leaving truths unsaid

Notes:

First verse - Practicing Silence
Second verse - Practicing lies

Then something else I wrote:

Not in a writing mood 2014-12-23

I'm here for the fall
And what's going on?
Another heart to pass along
To fall in love again
Such a feeling of deceit

I'm not in a writing mood tonight
2014-12-23 (0140)

Where I once experienced blinding light

Now is just a symbol of weight
Pulling me down
In the depths of the sea
Darkness fading me
2014-12-23 (0841)

And most recently this:

Swallowed Whole 2015-01-26 (1645)

As I venture into darkness
No thoughts of what would happen
Thinking only of escape
There is no escape
There is no relief
For all the talk you can make
There is no fix, no cure
Who would care anyway?
Who would really,
    Care?
A broken heart is a heavy empty (w)hole
Who would take note?
    If I actually didn't show?
The words come with weight I cannot bear
"Acting out"
"It's only a phase"
    "It's for attention"...
Do we have your attention now?

Exhaustion pulls me down
Eyelids flutter like butterfly stones
How much faith does it take?
For all the talk that you can make
    There is no...
    Just close your eyes and sleep
Sleep counting sheep
But it still haunts your dreams
Friction when it should be sleek
Smooth as ice
Only the silence breaks the noise
The longer I'm alone
The better my chances
    And all the better to eat you with
Swallowed whole

Blinded

2015-03-12T17:33:00.000-05:00

As I tried to open my eyes, a pain shot through my head, ringing through my ears. I tried to relax my eyelids, but the silence blared on, ringing in my ears; my closed eyes continued to burn. I blinked them open against the searing pain, but quickly closed them again.

"Such distance from our friends"

2013-09-20T04:52:00.001-05:00

I just saw that a friend started a blog for a school project. Made me miss blogging.

Title is a quote from the mewithoutYou song Messes of Men:
"Such distance from our friends,
Like a scratch across the lens,
Made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood"