Gubaguy's Blog

The Final Destination

2010-08-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

(please note this was how i saw the movie if i made a mistake DONT piont it out... or you can i guess...)

THIS MOVIE SUCKS! ITS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, and i sat through batman and robin! I dont know who was stupider, the people who made the movie for making it, or me for sitting down and watching it on my computer! For those of you who havnt figured it out i am taking about none other the fourth, and hopefully final, Final destination movie, THE Final destination!

First a little history for those of you who have NEVER seen a final destination movie, movie 1, kid forsees a plane crash gets off plane with some other people plane crashes and everyone dies but them then they all die in the most inplausable and most impossable and gruesome way imaginable... movie 2: girl forsees major car wreck gets out of car hysterical followd by other people wanting to know what the fuck shes doing getting out of her car in an interstate major car crash happens killing everyone but them then they all die in the most inplausable and most impossable and gruesome way imaginable... movie 3: kid forsees roller coaster accident they get off roller coaster with friends and... do i even have to finish this sentence?

Soooooooooooo imma tell you about the fourth, and final if those assholes know whats good for them, final destination movie IN DETAIL!!!

So the movie starts off um... at a racetrack... ok im game so far... where they um... race, when we get to see all the kids and onlookers watching the race... i have to note that there is NO character development in this movie beyond them giving the names of the kids... HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE... HELLOOOOOOO... so one of the kids makes a remark that hes not there to see the race, hes there to see a crash... subtle... oh hey you'll NEVER guess what hqappens next! if you guessed that theres a crash and everyone dies thus ending the movie! your dreaming... if you guessed theres a crash, the kid realises he forsaw the crash, and leaves with his friends then theres a crash... you probably didnt need to think about that at all...

ok so they leave after the kid sees a ton of implausable and improbable deaths and... one of the survivors dies right afterward, and i mean RIGHT afterward... like... they were barely out of the racetrack when she gets her head and shoulder/arm taken out by, im not kidding... a tire... yeah... a tire flies over an entire stadium filled with people and just HAPPENS to hit ONE person out of a group of about 6 in the middle of an empty street and rips off her head and arm... yeah probable... but that death is more probable then any of the others in this movie! after that we get a rascist guy who lost his wife in the crash try to kill the guard who stopped the idiot from going into the explosion to save his wife... the guy dies while trying to light a cross on fire in the guards front yard and it somehow ends in him being dragged down the street by his own picked that also seemed to light him on fire... so let me clear this up a little... a rascist bastard gets lit on fire, by a truck, that then drives itself down the street after tieing the bastard up in a chain... i swear im not doing any drugs of any kind... so after that scene we get the kid say he can see how everyone is gunna die, but instead of telling everyone right away he decides to hang out with his girlfriend! after that we get a scene of two idiot kids throwing rocks at a sign while some guy watches them, tells them they are idiots, then MOWS THE LAWN OVER THE ROCKS... so the kids mom goes into a buety spa where death decides to fucking cock tease us! a can of hairspray gets super heated and explodes, a fan falls right in front of the women, the chair shes sitting on falls while shes getting her hair cut almost cutting her throat! *takes a deep breath* AND SHE DOESNT DIE!!!!! till she walks out the door taking a rock in the face... this WOULD be a probable death but... HER VAN WAS IN FRONT OF THE LAWNMOWER!!! how the hell did the rock hit her through a van? so after she dies the idiot kid tells all the survivors they are all gunna die and he knows how... so they actually believe him! and decide that instead of try to stop it they all go and live their lives to the fullest! so one guy goes to play golf and get laid, a girl goes to um... wash her car... the kids girlfriend hangs out with him... and the kid and guard go to try and save someone... resulting in a van ALMOST killing the guy they were trying to save but not killing him... then a propane tank shoots out of a garage and kills him anyway! yeah... then the kid forsees the guy who went to get laid and the girl who went to wash her car both die from water related accidents... then we get to see that guy getting laid... no i dont mean like 'safe' movie sex where you get to see them snuggling under a blanket and they say they had sex... no i mean... you get to see them bouncing on each other, you get to see a naked girl... i guess shes 'hot' but i wouldnt know becasue of my sexual prefrences... anyways... the kid tries to warn both the guy getting laid and the chick washing her car but the guys cell phone is wrecked JUST as he calls... and the chick hangs up on him! then through bad writing the guy jumps into a pool only to, not kidding here, get his ass sucked to the bottom of the pool and making him incapable of getting out... but dont worry he doesnt drown! No that would make sense... after all he was only under water for like 10 minutes! and i guess the pools 'drain' was very selective after all a poolfull of people were there but it only sucked him onto it... and it also seemed to be on suck instead of just drain cus it, again not kidding, sucked all his internal organs out through his ass... dont ask me how thats even possable... and at the same time thats happening the chick who was washing her car gets stuck in her car, her sun roof opens up and wont close, a pipe in the carwash breaks open and begins to flood her car... hang on... *pushes button* lets try that again shall we? and at the same time thats happening the chick who was washing her car gets stuck in her car*wah wah wah* , her sun roof opens up and wont close*wah wah wah*, a pipe in the carwash breaks open and begins to flood her car *wah wah wah* she cracks open her sunroof enough to stick her head out *wah wah wah* but then is almost decapitated by, dead serious, sponges *wah wah wah* only to be saved by the kid, his girlfriend, and the gaurd by haveing them SLAM INTO HER CAR AT FULL SPEED *wah wah wah* THEN PULLING HER OUT OF HER CAR ONLY TO GET HER ALMOST KILLED BY A FALING PIPE *wah wah wah* whew... *pushes button* my wah wah mahcine is billowing smoke after that... anyways... they save her only to get home in time to relax... then the gaurd tries to commit suicide and after a full 24 hours of trying he cant kill himself, ok seriously is anything in this movie coherent? i mean death wants them all to die right? so the gaurd is trying to commit suicide but cant... WHY THE FUCK NOT? JUST LET HIM DO IT!!! bleh... anyways they think that because the guy COULDNT kill himself that they are saved... then the TV goes on and anounces that there was one more survivor that wasnt with them and he is in the hospital, why is he there? i dont know... how did he survive? i dont know... is this movie almost over? unfortunetly no... ok so they go to the stupidest hospital in the world, and hear me out befaore oyu say anything... a doctor is running a bath for a cripled patient when he is called out of the room, and instead of turning the water off he lets it run, then within minutes the entire room is flooded and the criple begs for help but i guess no one cares cus they all walk right by... i also guess that the room is airtight cus the water wasnt leaking out of the room... so the kid and guard get to the room with the other survivor who i guess was fine cus he was crawling out of his bed and around the room when, heres a shock, the bathtub from the floor above falls through the floor... yeah... im going to go the THAT hospital when im hurt! so the kids girlfriend and that chick they saved go to the mall and see a movie as the guard and kid rush to go find them, finally, 4 people left i can almost see the ending credits! so as they are walking the gaurd is hit by an ambulence... again stupidest hspital in the world, that seems to make him explode after getting hit, and the kid rushes into the theatre, grabs his girlfriend and they try to escape... and here... is the most implausable deaths in the movie... first WHO THE FUCK KEEP A STASH OF EXPLOSIVE CHEMICALS IN A FUCKING MALL? and to make it even better, A FUCKING THEATRE? so yeah... theres a stash of explosive stuff in the mall that blows up that chick says that everythings fine and wants them to piss off so she can finish the movie, then gets a faceful of nails and fire from the explosion the kid and his girl try to escape but the escalators explode too somehow, dont ask i dont know, and he is holding onto his girls arm as she slowly lowers into the gears of the escalators thus prolonging her suffering, such a nice boy! then the worst possable thing in the world happens... we find out it was just another fucking premotition! FUCK YOU MOVIE!!! JUST END!!!!! *sighs* so we get to see the guard get killed again by the ambulence, the kid rushes to the theatre, but instead of telling everyone its about to blow, he goes to the backroom and puts out the fire... wow that was smart! then through um... magic i guess... the fire starts back up and a nail gun falls nailsing the kid to tha wall... somehow he grabs a stick thats on fire and sets off the sprinkler system, that didnt activate the first time because? and puts out the fire! then, i swear to god, the movie cuts out like the credits are about to roll, then suddenly cuts back in to that kid, in a cast, on the street... yeah how was he rescued? whe was he saved? when did he get the cast? HELLO? MOVIE? oh who gives a shit its almost over this time... so hes walking down the street where he points out that some constrution workers are using unsafe tools... and instead of fixing it they just keep working! he sist down with the two girls to have a coffee when *gasp* he sees pictures of all the past locations in the movie! including the pool, the theatre, and some writing on a table we dont get to see! then he says, i quote, "what if we didnt change anything?" only to... hang on... *pushes button* as the scaffold from the workers falls over *wah wah wah* causing a truck to swerve out of the way *wah wah wah* and crash through the window killing all three kids and i swear to god, kills all three kids IN WIREFRAME!!!!! i dont know why! the movie just decided to go all wireframe on us before it was over! do i care? no! NOW ITS OVER RUN!!!

seriously... thi was the worst piece of shit ive ever seen! and i saw some horrable shit in my life! want my opinion? watch the first final destination and thats it, it was ok but everything after that just sucked! now if youll exuse me... i have to go get ready for school in less then a day! *packs up 4 notebooks, my scetchpad, 2 pencils and an eraser, and a porfolio* ok done! see oyu suckers at school!

1980's Transformers Movie

2010-08-23T13:25:00.001-07:00

oooooooook... WTF? no seriously WTF? who wrote this? this goes out to all the people who say that transformers by micheal bay sucked: this movie is no better nothing in it is consistent, nothing makes sense, its just a wierd one time watch movie!

why do i think this? well... it open with a moon beaing eaten by what looks like a giant floating eye... ok im game where are we going with this? dont wanna tell me now? ok fine what next? we cut to the autobots going to their um... hidden city on earth... where did that come from? why has no one found it? dont wanna tell me? ok... whats next then? the decepticons intercept and kill the autobots before they reach the city planning to ambush them... ok thats... actually a good idea! if your flying in the autobots shuttle they wont think to stop you right? wrong! one autobot decides to open fire after seeing one robot inside the shuttle and thinking its a decepticon which results in the shuttle exploding... ok... and the decepticons beginsing to fight the autobots, the result is actually a pretty nice series of fights but ini the end it seems the autobots are losing! oh no, what will they ever do? TIMING!!! Prime shows up and lays down some kick ass! the only real issue i have with this is... HE FLYS IN AND KILLS A HALF A DOZEN IN ONE SWOOP!!! oh yeah THAT makes sense! a whole city falls to them and ONE robot comes in and kills them! so after... that... prime is killed by megatron and he gives his glowing jawbreaker to biggest robot in the room, isnt that nice? prime also manages to deal enough damage to megatron that he gets tossed out of the decepticons escaping shuttle by starscream who then does the wierdest thing you could imagine... starts a decepticon civil war in the middle of the shuttle... HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? "megatron is dead.. now what?" "i wanna be in charge... LETS FIGHT ABOUT IT!" *explosion, gunfire* "ok your in charge! now what? should we take our rested army back to earth and finish off the dead or dieing autobots beofre they have a chance to rebuild their army and kill us?" "... no... i want a crown!"

wierd...

so after a wierd turn of events that floating eye gives megatron a new body and a new gun, and a new army, and tells him to go kill the rest of the autobots, buuuuuuut instead megatron, now galvatron, decides he wts to kill starscream instead! the eye is not pleasaed and eats another moon... for some reason... so i guess galavtron wanted that moon and proceeds to go kill the auto bots who of course escape! after another series of rather piontless scenes the autobots meet up, regroup, the glowing jawbreaker is stolen by glavatron, a bunch of junkyard scrap bots join the autobots, and the eye turns into a gargoyle... oh before i go on i was at least playing along with the movie till one scene... the junkyard bots decide to beat up the autobots before becomeing their friend and during the fight, i swear to god, they had wierd al's 'Dare to be stupid' playing for the fight... all of what little credablility in this movie is lost at this piont... so everyone, including the decepticons decide that a giant gargoyle in space attacking planets and eating moons is bad and start attacking, this leads to another rather well done fight scene. one of the autobots gets the glowing jawbreaker form galvatron and uses it to blow up the eyeballgargoyle thing and everyone lives happly ever afterish... i dont care the movies over! seriously... i dont see how anyone thinks that the live action movies are any worse then this!

Avatar

2010-08-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

ok i went to see avatar a few days ago and i waited a few days so i could let the movie 'sink in' before reveiwing it so... here we go!

So the film opens with some guy talking and a scene that would have looked awsome in Imax with us flying over some trees, then we cut to some guy talking about how his bother died and how hes crippled and stuff... i dunno i wasnt really listening at the time, anyways!
We find out that he was ex military and his brother was supposed to be this guy who controlled a giant blue cat thingy called, heres a shock, an Avatar! and since hes a twin he can do it now! anyways this other angry military guy wants him to use the avatar to get intel on the blue cat people, called nav'vi, so he can blast them to bits. then we sorta get a time passing thing where hes exploreing the planet, getting to know the Nav'vi, RIDING DRAGONS? (no seriously he RIDES a dragon thingy!) and they accept him into their tribe... do i even have to tell you what happens next? no? ill tell you anyways:

he has a change of heart and tell them that the military, known as 'sky people' because of their ships, are coming and guess what? they kick his ass out of the tribe. then the military shows up and starts doing what military does best, BLOW SHIT UP! so after the military blows up this big ass tree they go home and the cripple guy and a small team take a research station and moves it and then using it, takes control of the avatar bodies and goes back to the nav'vi to warn them that the military isnt done yet, and because he has a giant dragon thingy they all listen to him instead of killing him for betraying them! kool huh? so all the tribes of the planet get together and start an attack on them using the draagon things to kill the ships, horse things to kill the people on the ground etc. but when all hope is lost, and im not kidding here, a tree tells all the animals on the planet to help thus killing all the remaining military EXECPT the angry guy... ok... im game for this... so then the angry guy and the cripple guy have a fight with the angry guy in a transformers outfit and the cripple as an avatar after a short and rather unentertaining fight the angry guy FINALLY dies and, swear im not kidding, they take the cripple guy to the tree and the avatar body to the tree and the tree permently puts him in the avatar body... WooooooooooW... i mean... woooooooooooooooooow... ive seen stargate episodes that dont have THAT much insanity to them i mean a tree? really? x.x'

ok so overall it wasnt a bad movie, the story was kinda basic considering it followed THE EXACT SAME STORYLINE AS POCAHONTAS!!! what do i mean by that? simple, in pocahontas the story was the spanish came to wherever it took place to mine for gold, in avatar a coporation came to this planet to find some valuable rock they wanted to mine, in both the natives were considered savages and in both there was a talking tree... so... avatar=pocahontas with blue cats and pretty images, but like i said it wasnt overall bad it was ok for a one time watch in my opinion... now i have to do 2 things: 1. point out major plot holes, and 2. put on my body armour because your all going to kill me!

PLOT HOLES:
1. in the begining we are told that the atmosphere is unbreathable by humans and after 20 second you will fall unconsious, 4 minutes you will die yet we CLEARLY see the military leader OUTSIDE WITHOUT A MASK for more then 20 seconds, but he can still stand and shoot without any problem

2. the guy who runs the avatar learns that the tree can put his mind into the avatar body permentently, and he waits till AFTER the battle to have it done.. why? that means you can die in 2 places once in the body and once in your own body, and in the movie HE ALMOST DIES AS A HUMAN!!!

3. during the battle the girl who was flying the airship opens fire with a machine gun hopeing to get lucky and take down the cruiser, yet in the scene when they are blowing up the tree we CLEARLY see the ship has missles that she never used, WHY DOESNT SHE USE THEM???

now im going to hide because a billion angry furries will try to ill me! *hides under my bed with a plush whimpering*

Legion Movie

2010-08-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

SO! (also please note im not a religous person... if you dont like it dont fucking read cus i make a LOT of god slandering jokes)

It opens with someone tlaking... boring, get to the part where action happens! but nope... they take their time... we see someone drop out of the sky, in the rain... how original... then proceeds to, not kidding, stab himself! wow... actually it turns out he was cutting off a collar... um... god seems to be a bit of a prick that way! So this is micheal, our 'hero' and whats the first thing he does? breaks into a gun shop where, dead serious, the guns are LOADED and on display... not even locked up! i guess 9/11 means nothing to anyone anymore! So after he steals all these guns he gets caught by some cops, he threatens to kill one and then the other gets possessed by god who... um... makes him grow fangs... and gives him eyeshadow... wtf? so after they talk some more god says he has to die and, get this, CANT HIT HIM!!! isnt this god? you know... creaator of everything? why cant he aim? oh well... so after that we get... more tlaking... and more talking... and an old lady walks into a diner in the middle of the desert and... talks... my god... this is fucking boring... wheres the evil physcotic god who wants to kill all of mankind? i dunno... the old lady keeps talking and as she does she slowly um... gets eyeshadow... and then attacks and kills one of the people in the diner, they try to rush him to a hospital but it turns out they cant because flies are blocking their way! wait what? flies? are you serious? FLIES? ... HELLOOOOOOO??? LOGIC???? ARE YOU THERE???
*grumbles*
so... after they run in fear of the flies they are back in the diner where micheal shows up and… talks… STOP FUCKING TALKING!!! DO SOMETHING!!!! So after they talk some more… a bunhc of people show up and… stand there… and they keep standing there until the worlds scariest ice cream man shows up. He gets out of his truck and stands up in front… oh nuuu! Turns out the worlds scariest ice cream man is Mr. Fantastic as his arms and legs grow several feet longer and he attacks the people… alright! An action scene right? Nope! They just expend about half their ammo to kill him… regardles of the fact that once shot could have done it with no problems… but I digress, they see a whole bunch of cars start coming and they start shooting and shooting and shooting, stuff blows up, they talk some more, then micheal FINALLY explains whats going on, according to micheal god has lost faith in mankind and has decided to kill them all… by um… by having his angels possess people… um… ok… then he tells them that they want to kill the woman first because her son will save all mankind… wait… you mean like… in the bible their was a guy named jesus who did that? Wasn’t he gods son? Jeese… I thought –I- had bad parents… Why does god want to kill his own son? Did he do something bad? Is this just his way of punishing him? Is it a passtime? Actually… I could see that happening…
God: Jesus Christ im bored… go impregnate some random slut withyourself so I can kill you!
Jesus: Oh come on! Do I have to?
God: IM THE FUCKING LORD ALMIGHTY DAMN IT!!! DO AS I SAY!!! *lighting crashes*
Jesus: Ok ok… jeese… do I have to be crucified this time?
God: Naw… lets do this terminator style, ill try to kill you before your born by sending something to kill you, and your only hope is someone you dont know and don’t get to pick!
Jesus: Sounds good!

Yeah… ok so all the possessed people hide in the desert and after a few days of no attacks the power comes back on and they assume everything is back under control, a random family pulls up to the diner they are hiding in and starts to refuel their car, then –shockingly- the family is attacked by the possessed people! One of the survivors tries to help but after he saves a little boy we get a moment that was ripped off from spaceballs! The kid as it turns out was just a possessed person PRETENDING to be a normal person! He bites the guy on the neck and he dies, another survivor thinks she can save him and jumps off the roof to try and help, she manages to kill all the possessed around her and is about to kill the kid but is out of bullets the kid talks in hellish voiceover and says hes going to kill her now, she locks herself in the van they came in and micheal goes out and… lights it on fire… wow hes a douche! Ok so he saves her and locks everyone back inside, the power suddenly fails again and when they get around to finding flashlights again they discover the little possessed boy is inside, he attacks the pregnant woman with a knife which I guess induces her labor... and then they kill him… I think… I dunno I never actually SAW him die I just assume he did. So finally, it seems like its all over the child is born and all the possessed um… cover their ears? I dunno its almost over… so suddenly after the child is born the earth seems to shake and rumble, micheal confesses that he was supposed to kill the child but couldn’t do it and also reveals that the possessed cant go… near the… child… what… the… FUCK??? NO, NONONONONO, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, THE WHOLE MOVIE THE POSSESSED TRIED TO KILL THE MOTHER, BUT THEY ARNET ALLOWD NEAR THE CHILD, THE CHILD IS IN THE MOTHER, SO THEY CANT GO NEAR HER EITHER FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!
*takes a deep breath*
Ok… so… after THAT plot hole is revealed… it turns out god has sent gabriel to kill them all, answer me this… why does god not juts use his powers to kill them? Hes GOD, did he just forget how to use his powers? Is his aim just that bad he cant hit them? Couldn’t he just snap his fingers and kill everyone on earth just like that? Seriously… what is this, a fucking game to him? Anyways… while the mother and the remaining survivors run away gabriel and micheal duke it out! FINALLY ACTION!!! Or is it? To be honest this would be a good scene… cept micheal fights mostly with a gun and I guess gabriel is invincible… so after micheal dies and fades into a bright light one of the survivors blows up the diner, all the infected, and gabriel! FINALLY! *gets up out of my chair* oh wait… *sits back down and sighs* while driving away the survivors are attacked and killed off by gabriel who survived the explosion… somehow this baby of less then an hour survives the attack with his mother and some guy who got a magical tattoo from micheal, they start fighting, when it seems gabriel is about to kill them all finally… micheal shows up… as an angel… huh… I guess god wasn’t that mad that he disobeyed a direct order to kill, slaughtered his army of posseseed people, attacked gabriel, and personally escorted a group of people to safety! So they fight, the girl, her baby, and the tattoo guy escape and the movie ends with tme looking out over a sunset and a burning town… wtf?

So… yeah… this movie was weird and boring, now I think that’s cus I wathced it only with really bad quality, that may have something to do with it, but still… all they do is talk, the action scenes are boring, and its full of religious blasphemy (I like that part)!

Silent Hill Movie

2010-08-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Silent Hill…

Lemme first say, this is a very decent representation of what is sai dot be the scariest game ever made, just one problem… THIS MOVIE ISNT FUCKING SCARY! It’s mildy creepy, but I will admit it does have one or two moments that go into the totally fucked up department! So this horrific tale of horror starts with… two people running and shouting Sharon… *waves arms in the air* AAAAAAH!!! They find their daughter on the edge of a cliff and they grab her making what looks like a flaming cross appear in the background (it looked to me like it just appeared, maybe it was there the whole time but I dunno)and she begins to cry out ‘silent hill, Silent Hill, SILENT HILL!!’ … AAAAH!!

So after doing some research sharons mother finds out the whole town was burned to the ground and there are still fires burning in the underground coal mines filling the town with poisonous gas, and being the good mother she is, she runs away from a cop and brings her daughter there! WOW! I SO want a mother like THAT! (although to be honest it would be an improvement to my own) So the father calls them and says it’s a bad idea but gets ignored, they arrive in this strange town and… maybe I blinked but I guess they got in a minor accident or something because the mother was knocked unconcious and the daughter disappeared… it’s never really explained how or why she disappeared but her mother stayed… anyways, the mother leaves the saftey of her vehicle, why she doesn’t use it to look for her daughter I’ll never know, and goes running around town discovering that what she thgouht was snow falling was actually ash, that’s original havnt seen that before in a movie have we? Not in any… holocust based movies… like… shindlers list?
But I’ll forgive this very insensitve cinema moment to finish this movie, she follows a girl who she swears is her daughter until she reaches a storne stairwell covered in rust and is all slippery and has no light source… this alone should have set off the warning bells in her head because what little girl of what… 8? (her age isnt given) has the guts to walk down a dark stariway into an unlit basement? But her mother is fucking retarded and goes down anyways, an airraid siren goes off and suddenly plunges the town into utter darkness… again… this should have set off the warning bells… lets pause and recap, this women calls herself a good mother because she takes her daughter to a town filled with poison gas, snowing ashes, has no visible people in it, has random airraid sirens going off and has loads of dark basements with slippery staris…

ok so… she explores the darkeness for a while and finds a body that appears to have been crucified on a fence underground and is attacked by… um… little black things… I honestly don’t have a joke for that… how do you make fun of… whatever they are? They are little black things that gasp and cry… oh wait! They are covered in black and cry a lot! THEY’RE MINIEMOS!!! *beams* yeaaaaaaah! *clears throat* so um… the siren goes off again and the miniemos disappear. She wakes up in a… bowling alley… with a song about fires playing… *waves arms* AHHH! Yeah… not scary in the least so far… so she decides to looking around some more but suddenly discovers that the road has vanished and has been replaced by a cliffs edge… there she meets an insane women, she asks this crazy women who cant even talk strait if shes seen her daughter the crazy women suddenly gets crazier and claims that that’s HER daughter!

The mother immedietly runs away from the crazy women and she FINALLY decides that DRIVING in a mysterious town that she knows nothing about would be safer and goes back to her car and gets arrested by the cop from earlier who is… the most fucking retarded cop in the world… she arrests the mother, THEN TRIES TO LEAVE WITHOUT FINDING HER DAUGHTER! Bitch! They start walking to the supposed station that’s on the other side of the town only to find, oh yeah THE CLIFF, the cop who still seems to be on stupid pills gets attacked by… a faceless, armless, and all around featurless… THING! That spits acid, sounds like my art teacher… the mother takes advantage of this moment and runs, and again, looks in all the wrong places by going to the school, WHAT SCHOOL AGE GIRL WOULD WILLINGLY GO TO SCHOOL? *grumbles* in the school she starts getting pursued by people who look like they were survivors of a nuclear holocust… do they ever explain why they wear tese weird suits? I think you put too much credit in these people… She locks herself in a bathroom, a bathroom of all places! Where she finds probably the only scary thing in the movie, a corpse tied up and hung in a stall by barbed wire with a note, written to her, reading: “Dare you, Dare you, Double dare you!” with an arrow pointing to the mouth… oh yeah… I’d totally stick my fingers in the mouth of THAT THING after being attacked by miniemos and acid spitting things! But again… being the stupid bitch she is she does it, then the siren goes off again and plunges the town into darkness…

meanwhile, during all of the previous events the father and the rest of the police force makes their way to silent hillto find… an empty vehicle, no ash falling, no mist, no sirens, and no… THINGS! Which makes no sense… the father decides that the police arent good enough and ransacks the city archives for info on silent hill, gets arrested, gets one cops backstory and his history with silent hill, and then gets sent home!

BACK TO THE STUPID MOTHER! She reunites with the cop who FINALLY stopped taking her stupid pills and lets the mother go saying that something is up with the town… gee… YA THINK? They get attacked by a bunch of bugs, pyramid head, and that corpse from the bathroom… then they all vanish and the town goes back to falling ash and stuff… they then go to a hotel where they meet… someone whose name I don’t give a shit about at this point, and they take her with them finding a picture drawn by the mothers daughter pointing them to a room in the hotel, they find the room behind a painting, in the room they discover a giant metal ring with a symbol on it and the girl they picked up talks about it and then the mother spots, *gasp* someone who looks like her daughter! Yeah… its not that simple lady so don’t get your hopes up… she makes it to the girl who literally burts into flames. After that the siren goes off again and they ake a break for a church, why a church? I dunno, but they do, but not before pyramid head shows up and, dead serious , rips the skin off the girl they had with them, this should have been a scary moment… but its not… its stupid… I mean he literally picks her up, grabs her, and rips her entire skin layer off… *sighs* ok so we get an explination sorta that so long as they remain in the church they are safe, so natuarly they have NO problem leaving the safety of the church and taking the mother to the hospital where they claim the evil lives, once there it is discovered that the mother is the mother of ‘the witch’ and they immedietly try to capture her accusing her of bringing evil with her or something… the cop SUDDENLY decides to do her fucking job and saves the mother from them but in the process gets caught herself, while that’s happening the mother makes her way into the hospital to find a necrophiliacs wet dream, a hallway filled with disfigured nurses who start killing each other trying to kill the mother… yeah… this ‘evil’ isnt very smart… it makes it so none of its minons can see… isnt that… kinda dumb?

So FINALLY over an hours worth of waiting, now we can finally find out whats been causing all this trouble, I’m sure its some scary reason like the town is haunted by the people who died, or it’s a gateway to hell or SOMETHING, right? Wrong, it turns out in this hospital room theres, get this, a patient… a living patient… whose attended by a nurse whose face we cant see, and whats the reasoning behind it? The town was in habited by puritans, or witch hunters, who saw this little girl so many years ago a witch because she was born out of wedlock, so they tried to burn her alive, as a result the grate they tied her to fell and the coal they had hung her over set the whole town on fire… yeah… wheres the fire department? and heres where that OTHER cop comes in he came in and saved the girl and burned his hands in the process, so he knows whats going on and is too much of a dick to tell anyone else! Fucker… As for the weird town theres this evil spirit that came to the girl and claimed she would make them pay so she trapped all the survivors in the town and transferred them into a nightmare they couldn’t escape or something like that… so the mother asked what she has to do with this and I guess… her daughter was the daughter of the girl they tried to burn (don’t ask me how) and they want to ‘purify’ her to make the evil go away, the mother asks what she can do to stop this and the evil spirit… hugs… her… what, the, FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? *deep breath*

ok so, the mother goes back to the church to find her daughter tied to a ladder about to be lowered into the firre they started in the church and the cops body burned to a cinder on another one already lowered, the mother tries to tell them how fucking retarded this plot is and gets stabbed for it and somehow because she was stabbed the evil spirit was finally able to enter the church and finish killing them all, and then… the only other scary moment in this movie occurs… the bed that the girl was in come up out of the gourp surrounded by barbed wire, begins to tie up and rip everyone apart with it, and grabs the leading putitian eagle spreads her in the air and the barbed wire goes up between her legs before ripping her apart too… ok im just gunna wrap this up… every dies but the mother, daughter, and the crazy lady from ealier because she was the girls mother blah blah blah, the mother and daughter go to their vehicle, the road returns and they drive away only to find everywhere they go is just as dark and misted as silent hill, their phone doesn’t work, and no one else can be found anywhere… they go into their house and sit down and suddenly the father sees the door open, looks around and closes the door, but cant see his wife and child… which is odd… they just stopped the puritians from killing people AND got rid of the evil spirit… why leave them trapped? That’s really showing how thankful you are! Oh well fuck it, NEXT REVIEW!

Tron review

2010-08-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys no stupid jokes on this one... mostly... i waited YEARS to see this movie and im not gunna bash the shit out of it now! (i will however point ou that the graphics of this movie are worse then my attempts at photoshop)

The movie starts off with... um... a little tank driving around in a maze and the movie expects us to belive this is the inside of a computer... i'll buy that! the little tank gets caught and... electracuted... and its revealed the program belongs to a guy named Flynn played by Jeff brid- wait seriously? Jff Bridges... holy shit... he is YOUNG! *coughs* anyways... after he fails to 'hack' the system and his programs, named clu, is zapped he decides he needs to get into the building to get the info he wants, what does he want? he wants proof that the man in charge of the company stole all the designs to video games he created from him and thus if he gets the original designs he can prove it, how that works ill never know its not like he signed the game designs, and if he did wouldnt the company have found out already?

Anyways... he gets some help from... 2 people your never gunna see again after this scene so names dont matter, he sneaks into a lab where they are expirimenting with lazers that can zap things into computers! (swear to god, anyone makes a 'firin ma lazer' joke i will kill you) The MCP (master control program) finds out flynn managed to get into the lab and tells him to stop or else, and being the idiot he is he cant here the REALLY LOUD LAZER TURNING ON BEHIND HIM! He gets zapped into the computer filled with things that will cause siezures and meets up with other people whose names odnt matter because they all die later, all cept one, named tron! Its explained that the MCP started out as a Chess program and somehow grew into a power hungry program hellbent on... honestly i dont know they never really explain it... but being hes a chess program at heart he likes ot put all captured programs, or humans in this case, into a place called the game grid where they literally play games to death, they say tron is the best player or some crap like that and after a couple games flynn, tron, and someone i dont care about escape into the main computer system and get chased around by tanks.

After lots and lots and lots and lots of hard to understand talking Flynn and tron get split up, the other guy dies, tron meets up with some female program that he is in love with… don’t ask me how that works… gets the data he needs to kill the MCP, and meets back up with Flynn on some kinda of neat looking boat thing that moves on beams of light, the MCP’s henchguy catches up with them and captures the female, some old guy program and Flynn, and thinks he’s killed tron, they all meet back up at the MCP program place and then after a rather confusing series of events the MCP shrinks, tron sets all the old guy programs free, Flynn leaves the computer and I guess got the data he wanted and gets control of the company!

Transformers 2 trailer review

2009-06-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

Well folks for my first ever blog we get to take a look at Micheal Bay's, Transformers 2: Revenger of the Fallen. Of course i think we can all agree that the ending of Transformers left it open for a sequel, to those who didnt watch the ending credits have several snipets of short, but imformative, info. One is of Sam's parents talking about how nothing happend and that there were no giant robots. Another is of StarScream taking off into space!
For those of you who HAVN'T seen the trailer get your butt over to youtube and check it out! The trailer shows that StarScream brings back Megatron, comes back to earth with a new army of decepticons, and even shows the devestator... DAMN! As for the autobots in the trailer we get to see bumblebee, optamis, and even a few new ones from other parts of space!
The story behind this new movie is pretty good too, Sam is starting collage, his girlfriend goes to be a motorcycle repair girl, the auto bots are... doing robot things... i guess, and sam has a mental breakdown during class! Sounds like any normal kid who goes to school... He begins to see things, again sounds normal, and is told that the war between the autobots and decpticons now concerns earth. As the story continues Sam, the military, the autobots, and even the fallen one have a final climatic battle at giza!
Of course i cant tell ya too much as i havnt seen it yet but i will fight for seats when it comes out! I bet all you fans out there are counting the days till its release, its 20 more days by the way...