“All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That’s his.”  –Oscar Wilde  

My god, if that’s true, I’m in for it! 

If that’s true, we’re talking drug abuse, several marriages, and an early death.  My greatest fear was always that I’d become just what Oscar Wilde predicted.  Luckily, a number of years ago a licensed therapist validated the absurdity of that fear.  (Take that, Oscar!)

I bet we all think something awful, something specific, when we read quotes like that.  I bet we think of a particular habit, choice, or saying that we so abhor we could scream, and we’d be completely mortified to inherit—like screaming her husband’s name down the stairs to announce dinner,  like launching into dramatic monologues about how bacteria collect on damp sponges, or the way she rubbed Vicks vapor rub around her nostrils.  My mother did the Vicks thing (the manufacturer actually cautions against any mucus membrane contact on the label, as I read as an adult).

After she died, a decade ago, I was surprised to find myself thinking of my mother fondly—for the first time in my life.  I grew up with my stepmother and father, and was accustomed to suppressing anything I guessed was acting like or reminding them of my mother, who was considered a wreck of a woman.  My resistance to being like my mother was voided by her sudden death.  I can’t say why I suddenly felt adoration toward her, it just sprang forth. Truly overnight, I began to sense and celebrate likenesses between my mother and I.  I began wearing big earrings and colorful clothes (my mother was a painter, an artist) and stopped feeling ashamed about my intense longing to understand what makes people tick and to press other to question human behavior, too.

While I’d been reassured that I wouldn’t become my mother, it wasn’t till I was in my mid-thirties, had a steady corporate job, no indications of drug addiction, and had some mature life choices under my belt—I finally let go of the worry of turning into a wreck.  I was, after all, me, not her. I was not a tiny replica on a foretold path fated to resemble my mother’s!

During the eighth or ninth hour of an endless labor, giving birth to my son, I gasped, “How could she have abandoned me?”  It came out of nowhere, but that question had to be asked, and had to be asked right then, even if it would never be answered. 

As a mother who wasn’t raised by my own, could I pull it off?  Could I be a good mom?  Would fear, would fate, get the best of me despite my bookcase full of self-help reading?  In the end, I experienced a most wonderful gift:  I learned that I could mother a child without having been mothered.  I have somehow been able to mother my son Gabriel with love, reason, tenderness, and presence, even without the apprenticeship of being mothered.  I can only guess that a mother archetype, unique to each of us, exists within.  We can be our mothers, yes.  And we are also just as free to be uniquely our own kind of mother.  Neither nurture nor Oscar Wilde will stand in our way.  Our hearts—mother’s hearts—are too fierce for that.

“I miss thee, my Mother.  Thy image is still the deepest impressed on my heart.”  –Eliza Cook

Indeed. And, ow. Truer words have not been spoken.

-be kind to yourself.

Recently a reader asked me for some thoughts on beginning relationships. I said I’d reply in a post, because there have got to be others asking this same question, right?  Some of these ideas come from a chapter in a book I’m writing (exciting! exciting!) which is based on ideas from my blog.

I used to have the sense of losing my senses, my power, my sanity–all–when I began a new relationship. That was, in part, due to the flood of love hormones that swished around inside my body, but it was also due to not having been raised with the ability to differentiate myself from another, from being a child expected to mirror the emotions of my parents. How confusing:  love chemicals and hormones released into the bloodstream and brain, as well as becoming emotionally disembodied. Essentially:  I released complete hold of the steering wheel.  Not one little index finger on it steering.

I used to enter relationships as if jumping on for the ride, a one-way ticket or a contract with the church of Scientology, where a billion year contract (not just life) is signed!  That was my approach. And, since that was my approach, when things hit the 3-month mark and got weird or something seemed “off,” I would somehow mind-bend the issue into my problem. Not theirs, never theirs.

Train Barreling down Tracks…

We get on for the relationship ride, with one-way tickets on this fast train. We commit, ever-loyal children of dysfunctional, rigid parents–oh, how we can commit. There’s the feeling, of rushing along, at least it was for me. It felt like being swallowed whole. Disoriented. Re-wired into a new brand of myself, the brand of my new boyfriend. I knew that, of course, I should take things slow. Of course I’d read that somewhere! That I should hold off on sex, that I shouldn’t move-in with someone I didn’t intend to marry (and if I intended to marry them, I should do that first anyway) and on and on.  But, I was an exception. The books didn’t know me and they didn’t know the guy I had.  And then, eventually, I would set boundaries in the relationship because I was being swallowed up and in order to keep from feeling squashed–a kind of retroactive boundary-setting. For me, that was often the sign of desperation in a situation that just wasn’t working.

That’s’ how not to do it.

Or Quiet Canoe Rowing?

My view these days is that beginning a relationship is much more like a canoe ride. One gets in carefully–the boat is stable when balanced–one foot at a time while steadying the boat and one’s self. (Whereas with a train you have to run, jump, and grab on while things are in motion.)  It’s quiet, peaceful. With a canoe ride, you can notice your surroundings because you’re not moving fast. And one goes canoeing on quiet rivers and lakes. (I spent a lot of time in canoes as a child in Minnesota.) A canoe is unlike a row boat, a bit more like a kayak. A canoe isn’t flat-bottomed like a row boat, it has a rounded-bottom; so a canoe will tip from side to side unless there’s balance. Canoes are very sensitive, or responsive, to imbalance.

Because people canoe on very still bodies of water, one must row (action, intention) to make the vessel move–take action to propel the it forward. Like a relationship, one must participate, but gently. One must row on one side then the other to move the canoe forward and when you want to turn, it just takes a very gentle motion of rowing on one side to turn and adjust direction. Drama will overturn the boat.

When two people are rowing a canoe, communication is needed to decide how to row with the same strength and depth. If one person is rowing too fast or too furiously, the canoe won’t glide straight. Same thing in a relationship–if you both start slow, glide, and communicate about the speed and depth, you’re much more likely to glide gently along on the path you want. And if the other person wants to treat the canoe like a speed boat, then you have learned something about them, haven’t you? Speed matters.

I hope the canoe analogy makes sense, as I really feel it’s a beautiful analogy/approach to any new relationship.

Rules

I write “rules” as kind of a joke. On the one hand, people from dysfunctional families hate being told what to do, but on the other hand, we’re always wanting to know the rules/structure of things!

#1 Slow and steady is paramount; it might be frustrating but it pays off (and makes it easier to transition out of a lacking situation)
#2 Honor yourself; be honest with yourself about your doubts and take your doubts seriously
#3 Love beyond appearances; it might look odd or it might look great on the outside, but only you know how the relationship feels on the inside
#4 Keep your baggage between you and your journal, therapist, best friends – your new love isn’t your childhood trauma therapist
#5 Stop short of Explanations; your feelings and needs are VALID, you should never have to justify and explain yourself – and vice-versa, accept your new love’s feelings as valid

I’m sure there are more, but we’re just talking about getting into a relationship this time.

Is New “Love” Actually Psychosis in Disguise?

Sort of, yes. I mean, when we first meet someone and are touched with the love bug, we feel the wonderful sensations of love infatuation flow over us. It softens our brains and hearts and lulls us into a sweet bliss. During that period, which can last from moments to days to weeks and weeks, we see the other person and life through rose-colored glasses. (Some say just long enough to procreate!) Once that begins to fade, it will fade all at once, completely, or bit by bit to a lesser degree. The speed at which that feeling fades and the degree to which it fades are both indicators of whether this new relationship has potential for longevity, or not.

Is it a Good Relationship?

We tend not to trust our gut, right? So the questions about whether it’s a good relationship or not come quick. Also, for some, big questions of “marriage” or “forever” are on the mind, and that can make it hard to get in touch with your gut.

These are a few questions I ask myself in order to get at the answer to, “Is it Good, Is it Working?” Usually these things are clear within a couple to a few weeks.

Am I feeling energized by being with this person (or drained)?
Does this person seem narcissistic?
Are these healthy butterflies, or the nervousness of unease?
Does this person tell me who I am, or ask who I am?
Does he seem comfortable with my differences of opinion?
Does he criticize others?
Do I feel confident around this person?
Do I feel sorry for this person, better than him, or “helpful” to this person? (Red Flag!)

Other questions, not necessarily tied to having had a dysfunctional childhood family:

Is this person asking me about myself beyond the first question? Is he asking Why, What, and Then What about the events of my day and mind?
When I express interest in starting a new project, does he ask to hear more–or tell me what he knows about the topic?
Do I feel safe, respected, tuned-in, and truly present while sexually intimate with this person?
Do this person’s actions clearly ‘say’ that my sexual pleasure is important to him?
Do I feel rushed? Accepted?
Does the word “flexibility” exist here between us?
Who makes the plans, initiates the date, and “lead,” or is it balanced?
Finally, about what does the person joke? (“Can’t wait till you bring your laundry over and wash mine, too, ha ha ha.” Jokes can be revealing!)

I’d love to hear your questions, too!  Please share them below in Comments.

Asserting Yourself with Loving-Kindness

This book was a wonderful experience to read. I felt better and better chapter after chapter. It cannot be skimmed or read in a hurry. It needs to be slowly read, from the start. It’s relatively short (192 pages), so that’s no chore. It is absolutely packed solid with wonderful concepts. The ah-ha’s were endless.

The key concepts that The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness teaches:

* Understanding your interpersonal style will help you play to your strengths and tend to your weaknesses
* Understanding where the other person is coming from has immeasurable benefits
* Thinking about the cause-and-effect of taking action vs. not taking action has great value
* The spirit with which you approach a conversation/confrontation has bearing on the outcome
* Growing your confidence will steer your conversations/confrontations in a milder direction, rather than the extremes of silence or yelling
* Remember to keep the Double Arrow concept in mind

The Double Arrow Concept

This was new to me, and the concept provoked one of my many ah-ha moments. The idea of the Double Arrow comes from Buddhism.

From the book:

Buddhism refers to the inevitable ups and downs in life by using the analogy of being struck by two kinds of arrows. The “first arrows” are the inevitable problems in life that give us physical and emotional distress, which is generally translated as “suffering” (also referred to as “pain” or “unsatisfactoriness”). Events ranging from getting caught in traffic due to a car accident, to not being invited to a party, to learning about the serious illness of a loved one are examples of first-arrow pain. [...] The second arrows of suffering include overreactions, misguided attitudes or assumptions, misinterpretations, and judgmental reactions related to events that caused first-arrow suffering.

Arrow #1 pierces you with feeling (anger, sadness, loss, curiosity, etc.)

Arrow #2 pierces with with judgement (I’m gonna get her, she meant to hurt me, how could he? Etc.)

The idea is to focus on the first arrow, and steer clear of the second.

Learning from The Stories of Others

There are some great stories in the book, which the author uses skillfully to illustrate how the concepts in the book can be applied. The variety of stories is commendable. Many of the stories have before-and-after parts, which works to show exactly how applying humor, compassion, and a light touch all worked out for people. One story describes the conflict between a couple about sharing dinner together face-to-face rather than eating in front of the TV. Another story describes a mother of two children who wants to involve the children more in household jobs and have the children spend less time on video games/unproductive activities. There’s also the story of the one friend who feels overburdened by all of the travel links the other friend sends, which are for places she doesn’t necessarily want to visit. Another story shows the interaction between a customer and a lamp salesman, which shows how the customer ever-so-nicely got the salesman off her back. There are others — across them all a variety of relationships and interactions are covered, from asserting one’s self with a stranger to asserting one’s self with a love-partner, co-workers, parents, in-laws, and others.

Insides of the Book 

The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness has four parts and twelve chapters.  Part 1, Learning about Yourself and How Compassionate Assertiveness Can Help You, covers the fundamentals — the roots of your learned communication style. Chapter 1 is Exploring Your Interpersonal Style and How You Became the Person You Are, and covers learning what your personal style is (there’s a quiz) and then describes the key features of the three core personal styles, Enthusiastic, Discerning, and Open Minded, as well as the sources (nature, nurture) that contribute to our personal interpersonal styles. Chapter 2 is Compassionate Assertiveness:  Improving Communication and Solving Problems with an Open Heart. It explains the fundamentals of the “compassionate” part of compassionate assertiveness, with a summary of the Buddhist approach, cognitive behavioral therapy, compassion, and loving-kindness.  It also covers the 4 core principles, taken from Buddhism, of the book:

1. Actions are the result of complex causes and conditions
2. Actions have consequences
3. Intentions matter
4. Follow the middle way

These principles are explained and referred to again and again in the context of particular confrontations throughout the book–that is, the author not only explains what these principles mean but also shows-and-tells throughout by way of examples. I started to get the hang of these key principles once I had read a couple of examples, and I felt like I had a solid grasp by the end of the book.

Part 2 is called Training Your Mind and Your Heart which digs even deeper into the roots of our ideas about other people and communicating with them. This section is a real eye-opener. Chapter 3 is Gratitude: Foster Appreciation to Reduce Negativity, which explains what gratitude means, how it works, and how to foster more of it for yourself. This chapter will pull anyone out of a ‘poor me’ groove. Chapter 4 Equanimity: Stand Firm, Compromise, or Let Go, talks about the Two Arrows of Suffering described above, patience, expectations, pride, and ego and how to work with and against all of them. Chapter  5 Courage: Face Your Fear of Conflict gets into the biology of fear – the limbic system – and how anger and fear function in our bodies and minds. Chapter 6 is Forgiveness: Free Yourself from Anger and Pain, which explains forgiveness (it’s not reconciliation, not forgetting, and not blind trust) and how to achieve it, work with it, and benefit from it.

Part 3 is called Strengthening Your Interpersonal Skills, and provides ideas and exercises for increasing your inner calm and for confidence-building. Chapter 7, Using Mindfulness and Meditation to Calm Your Body and Mind, explains what mindfulness and meditation are, how to practice each of them (and includes a sample meditation) and discusses the benefits of both in the context of becoming an assertive person. Chapter 8, Communicating with Care: How to Understand and Be Understood, is a practical chapter that discusses conversation styles, how to listen in order to understand, how to effectively communicate your needs, how to ask for things, and how to express gratitude. It also covers criticism, both giving and receiving it with compassion – and humor. Chapter 9, Using Negotiation Skills to Resolve Conflicts, talks about how to address problems, blending assertiveness with kindness, tips for avoiding the trap of I’m Right/You’re Wrong thinking, dealing with the negative reactions of others, handling criticism and unreasonable demands, and when negotiation doesn’t work.

Part 4 is called Applying Compassionate Assertiveness in Love and in Life, which covers various examples of types of conversations/confrontations and digs into their inner workings.  Chapter 10 is Compassionate Assertiveness for Couples and takes a look at communication issues that couples typically experience, differences between male and female approaches to relating to their needs, and includes guidance on applying the four core principles explained in Part 1 to asserting needs with a love-partner. Chapter 11, Compassionate Assertiveness with Your Family, covers talking with one’s parents, talking with one’s children, as well as how to use those conversations/confrontations to foster greater understanding and stronger bonds. Chapter 12, Compassionate Assertiveness in the Outside World covers confrontations with friends, strangers, and co-workers. This chapter brings it all together, discussing the everyday kindnesses and compassion that can exist, and why each of us should take part in fostering it.

My criticism of the book is about its production quality – it deserved a bigger budget, off-white paper, heavier paper and a less shiny cover. The font is just a tad too small. And an Index would be cool. I know, this sound pretty picky, but it’s just that this is really a special, high-caliber book, well-written, and would gleam brighter in packaging equal to its content. (One of the principles I learned from this book is that sometimes things unsaid can have their own cause/effect role in the universe.)

If the concepts and ideas summarized here resonate with you, this book will surely speak to you. It’s a special book, and it really did feel great to read it.

Explore the Book

You can grab a copy of The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness here.

The author, Sherrie M. Vavrichek (LCSW-C), has a site for the book. (The book doesn’t have a Facebook fan page yet.)

Be kind to yourself -
amy

On Sunday Solutions with Susan Kingsley-Smith we dish on the deep stuff and discuss self-improvement ideas, tips and solutions.   ** The series has wrapped.  You can listen to the complete series of shows below. **

DRAMA & CHAOS AS “NORMAL”
Sunday November 4th 7 a.m. Pacific/10 a.m. Eastern (Click the >Play button in the player)

Sunday October 21st 7 a.m. Pacific/10 a.m. Eastern (Click the >Play button in the player)
GET GUILT FEELINGS WHEN YOU ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT?

Sunday October 7th 7 a.m. Pacific/10 a.m. Eastern (Click the >Play button in the player)
ACCIDENTALLY FOCUSING ON THE ISSUES OF OTHERS WHEN YOU HAVE PLENTY OF WORK TO DO ON YOURSELF (AGAIN)?

Sunday September 23rd 2012 (Click the >Play button in the player)
NO LONGER A VICTIM, IT IS YOUR OWN LIFE NOW

Sunday September 9th 2012 (Click the >Play button in the player)
ON RE-CREATING THE DRAMA WE KNEW IN CHILDHOOD INTO ADULTHOOD

Sunday August 26th 2012 (Click the >Play button in the player)
CONFLICT AND YOUR ABILITY TO DISENGAGE FROM DRAMA

Sunday August 12th 2012 (Click the >Play button in the player)

Sunday July 15th 2012 (Click the >Play button in the player)

Sunday July 1st 2012 (Click the >Play button in the player)

Who, me?
As you may be aware, adult child issues play out everywhere in your life — at home, at work, and in your relationships. While many life coaches can provide you with scheduled support and helpful accountability, there’s something unique about working with someone who really gets where you come from and the roots of your struggles.

Here’s what a past coachee had to say about working with me:

I hired Amy as my life coach. Not only do I have more than 17 years of sobriety, but I have attended a few of the best AA meetings in the U.S. and Europe! As a R.N., I specialized in child and adolescent psychiatry at a leading hospital on the West coast. Even with all of my combined experiences—including countless years of therapy—it’s refreshing to work with Amy Eden, who shares her gifted (and accurate!) insights into the human condition. Her wisdom, knowledge, and solutions as a life coach are supportive, motivating, and invaluable. Her blog is one thing—I’m very familiar with the content of her knowledge. But talking to her live is another experience. In our phone calls she communicates her observations in a personal way with an eloquence I haven’t experienced until now. –Carol, Registered Nurse

Why Me:
If you’re a longtime reader of GWNI, you know that I’ve been writing about the challenges of adult life after a childhood with alcoholic parents, emotional trauma and rigidity since 2005. To get a good feel for my work, you can read what I’ve written about The Characteristics & Common Traits of People Who Grew Up in Alcoholic Homes as well as one of my most popular posts, about the expression ‘they did the best they could.’ You can listen to me on the Sunday Solutions radio show on Blog Talk Radio. And, finally, you can watch my videos:  one is about How to End Conversations (video) and also my HuffPost Live appearance, discussing the concept “Almost” alcoholic.

What Can I Expect from Life Coaching?
My guess is that as soon as you began reading this, the very “thing” that you’re struggling with and could use the help of a coach with, came right to mind. But, if not, think about something you’ve been struggling to change about your life — and consider whether it’s something you’re ready to turn-around. It’s important to choose a goal that’s achievable. The best results come from establishing a new routine or new practice that will lead to a chain-reaction of other good habits. Some examples are:  writing in the mornings, exercising, eating better, creating new beneficial friendships, or launching a new job campaign. Once you have something in mind, the key is to then be open to change–open to really, really good change.

Some sample goals:

My goal is to change careers
My goal is to start my own business
My goal is to write a novel
My goal is to make my lifestyle healthier
My goal is to improve my friendships
My goal is to make more money
My goal is to start a romantic relationship
My goal is to make a fresh start somewhere new
My goal is to improve communication with my daughter

What Life Coaching Is (and Is Not)
Taking part in the coaching process means allowing inspiration to ride up in the front seat.  Taking part in coaching means cultivating and becoming friends with your own inner power.

When you hire a life coach, you are hiring a Champion, a champion of your goals.  A good life coach will help you clarify your goals, put forward important questions that you may not have taken the time yet to ask yourself, and provides the structure that supports your wish to make real changes in your life.

When you hire a life coach, you are not hiring a therapist; therapy is what psychologist and therapists do, not life coaches.  Life coaches coach, cheer, support and keep you focused and on-track.  When you hire a life coach, you hire a personal cheerleader and mentor to support your intentions.  A life coach assists you in setting into motion a commitment to positive change that’s achievable and that’s also measurable. But, a life coach is not a parent; you are responsible for acting on the plan we create for you, and you are responsible to yourself for Showing Up.  While some of this work happens in the magic created by simply making a decision to change, there’s still leg-work to be done (by you!)

Let’s say that you’ve been struggling to Carve Out Time for Yourself.  This is great material for life coaching.  The goal is achievable (we’ll identify how you can carve out time for yourself and troubleshoot everything in the way) and it’s measurable, too (you’ll be able to count the hours you actually carve out). Plus, you’ll feel great and empowered — which is technically immeasurable, yet an absolutely beautiful result.

Through the coaching experience, you’ll learn what works to put your goals into action, so that you can replicate the activities for yourself.

My Coaching Rates

*Introductory Rates*

Single session $100 – Includes:
One-hour one-on-one coaching appointment (by phone, in-person of Skype video)

4 Session package $320 – Includes:
Free 15-minute exploratory conversation
One hour of one-on-one coaching (by phone, in-person of Skype video)
Unlimited email support between calls
Notes from each conversation emailed to you
Goals tracking
Sessions are valid for a six month period

7 Session package $500 – Includes:
Free 15-minute exploratory conversation
One hour of one-on-one coaching (by phone, in-person of Skype video)
Unlimited email support between calls
Notes from each conversation emailed to you
Goals tracking
Sessions are valid for a six month period

When & Where?
I recommend scheduling one hour per week for coaching. If you have the ability to schedule two sessions the first week, in order to kick-start change, then great.  I also recommend choosing a time of day for coaching that precedes free time in your day, so that you can immediately act on your goals and inspiration.

Please email me at amyeden@guesswhatnormalis.com to discuss scheduling – the time and date(s) for coaching.  The coaching appointment takes place via telephone, or Skype video, or can be in-person if you happen to live north of San Francisco.

Register HERE!
Once you’ve registered, you’ll receive a confirmation email that includes a note about my vow to confidentiality and my coaching ethics.  I’ll then also confirm the time and date of your first coaching appointment.  If you like, you can prepare for the conversation by writing down your coaching goal, as well as a few roadblocks you’re experiencing to that goal.

Contact
Feel free to contact me by email at amyeden@guesswhatnormalis.com with questions.
-Be kind to yourself.

The Omega-3/talk therapy childhood depression study is being run by L. Eugene Arnold, a child psychiatrist/researcher/professor who is based at Ohio State University together with Dr. Mary Fristad, a clinical child psychologist and researcher at the University. While adults can take anti-depressant medications as part of their depression treatment, it’s just not that simple for kids. Kids’ bodies and minds are still developing, for one, and the adverse effects of anti-depressant medications are just too risky for kids. So, safer (more natural) methods are important to study. That appears to be where this study comes in. The study began this past September and will wrap up in the spring of 2014 – about a year and a half. For the study, sixty (60) kids will take part (boys and girls ages 7-14) and some will take doses of Omega-3 supplements while some will take a placebo. All of them will get talk therapy, in which a parent will also take part, since it’s the family that will support/facilitate the child in his or her ongoing well-being. The outcome will, if positive, lead to a more comprehensive study and eventually possible new ways of addressing depression in kids. (And that is heartening!) By using a placebo on some of the kids, the researchers should be able to see what degree of additional impact the Omega-3 supplement is having on the children’s depression. (Hmmm. I wonder what source of Omega-3 they’ll be using – nut oils or fish oils?)

In this article (and video) researcher Dr. Mary Fristad talks about the study of depression in children.

If you’re interested in browsing through studies, Psych Central’s website has a listing of current clinical trials, organized by category (for example, substance abuse, dissociation, bulimia, autism, ADD, anxiety, depression, insomnia, eating disorders, etc.) Here’s the list of research projects on Psych Central’s site. And here’s another listing of clinical trials which is (searchable) on the U.S. National Institute of Heath site.

Blog Talk Radio Show – Crazy Critical toward Yourself No More -
[To play, click Play button on the above player]

Visit Susan page: Empowering Solutions on Facebook. Some great conversations happen on her site.
And I’m always here at Guess What Normal Is

Get your FEEL-GOOD inspirational mini poster here.

Download it, print it, share it, email to your friends! 

My wee mini-poster contains:

• Inspirational quotes
• A personal Nap Coupon
• One handy “I” Statement Helper

I’ve also added this poster to my Pinterest board for GWNI. Please let me know what you think of this poster (comment below).  I love feedback.

-Be kind to yourself.

The purpose of this book is to stop kind-of-bad behavior before it becomes really bad behavior—bad for you, your health, your job, and those in your life who care about you. Almost Addicted explains how to navigate the spectrum of addiction, explaining the differences between a potential, emerging would-be drug use problem and a devastating drug problem already in full motion.

And if you’re asking these questions on behalf of someone else—wondering about your spouse or sibling’s drug use—this book will also help answer those questions as well. It will help you sort out the difference between a potential problem and less worrisome occasional drug use.

The book should answer the following questions—and more:

Why stop using drugs if I’m not actually an addict?
Why do I feel like my spouse has a drug problem, but I can’t exactly pinpoint it?
What are some signs that a person is using drugs?
Am I medicating my anxiety with marijuana?
How do I stop my drug use from slowly turning into full-blown addiction?

The key substances referred to in the book are:

Alcohol
Marijuana
Cocaine
Methamphetamine

(If you’ve seen the movie “Flight,” you’ve learned, as I did, how cocaine can be used not just for getting high, but as a wicked means for un-doing the effects of alcohol consumed the night before.)

A few of the behavioral indicators of drug use covered in the book are:

Deterioration of appearance
Fatigue
Repeated absences from important activities
Continual seeking of special accommodations
Deterioration of quality of performance at work or school
Change in friends

Part 1 A Problem Emerges from the Shadows discusses why almost-addiction is a concern and why we should care about a pre-addiction even if it’s not yet full-blown—think of it as preventative care. The authors very clearly differentiate between what a real, full-blown addict acts like and what someone who may be almost-addict acts like, making it easier to identify where on the spectrum of addiction one may presently fall. It also discusses why disengaging from being almost-addicted to substances is a good idea.
For example, the authors pose the following questions to readers with regard to what could be gained from stopping now:

Would you have more money to spend on necessities or luxuries?
Would you do better at work?
Would you have more time to devote to hobbies?
Would any anxiety and depression you experience improve?

Part 1 includes additional questions for self-reflection, about the role of one’s drug use:

Is your drug use a source of tension or arguments with your wife, husband, or partner?
Does drug use eat into the time that you could otherwise be spending with your children?
Do you use drugs as a way to avoid family responsibilities?

Part 2 The Roots of Almost Addiction delves into the impact of the past on one’s present life and the correlation between mental health issues and drug use/abuse. The authors smartly point out that often times certain medical conditions may also be in play – and discuss how to navigate that double-sided coin. Those who suffer from types of depression, ADD/ADHD, trauma, as well as other challenges to the mind are more likely to struggle at some point with substance use/abuse.

Part 3 Catching and Confronting Almost Addiction in Others explains the warning signs for spotting drug use/abuse, as well as how to handle your response to the discovery of the other person’s drug use. It discusses the importance of protecting one’s self emotionally, financially and physically from the drug user, such as disengaging from taking part in the cover-up, denial, and recommends focusing on your own health and well-being, including enlisting the support of others.

Part 4 Solutions for Your Almost Addiction offers some smart tips for creating a life that’s full, rather than full of holes, in the absence of drugs. One chapter in particular, Time for A Change: Helping Yourself, is so very practical that it really could be the topic for a very useful follow-up book on how to recreate a life after stopping drugs. It explains how switching-up your daily routines can support your avoidance of drugs, as well as how to come up with a list of your “triggers,” so that you can proactively avoid being triggered. Essentially, having a plan for how you’ll engage your mind, body and spirit in the absence of drug use means you’ll…have a plan! No plan = misery. Does this mean new friends? You bet. At the end of the day, will you care about having ditched those people? Not one bit.

I have just one criticism of Almost Addicted. I so, so wish that the section on Solutions for Your Almost Addiction had been emphasized and placed before the section Catching and Confronting Almost Addiction in Others. The book’s order of chapters subtly suggests that focusing on others’ addictions should come before focusing on one’s own, and I feel the reverse is true. It’s most productive to focus first on one’s own potential addictions — you know, put on your oxygen mask first, then help your fellow passengers.

Here’s a link to the book on Amazon.com, where you’ll find this review and other reviews of the book.

Be kind to yourself.

An article in this month’s Common Ground explains how thinking five positive thoughts can turn-around a foul mood. The focus of the article is on language — words. How words like, “No,” “poverty,” “illness,” and “death” trigger the release of dozens of stress-producing hormones and neurotransmitters inside our bodies.

Yikes, right? If just one word can trigger a chemical response in our bodies, imagine what repeated negative words, thoughts, and scenario-running does to our bodies! The article, “Words Can Change Your Brain: The Neuroscience of Communication,” written by Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman, shares this: just seeing a list of neagive words for a few seconds will make a highly anxious or depressed person feel worse, and the more you ruminate on them, the more you can damage key structures that regulate your meory and emotions.

Double yikes. Did I take my Celexa this morning? Oh, no. What if…?

If you’re prone to anxiety, you’re already doing the math on this information. The connection between words/thoughts and how your mind processes them is wreaking right havoc in your system.

Now, the good news is that the chemical stress/anxiety response can be turned-around — by thinking five positive, affirmative thoughts as soon as you become aware of the “downer” thoughts, your ruminations, your what-iffing all over yourself. Say you had a frustrating interaction with someone. Say your boss seemed disappointed about an aspect of a project you’re running. And you leave her office like a dog with a new summer cut and your tail between your legs. So, on the way back to your desk, you begin to think GOOD things:

#1 I really handled that conversation well
#2 I’ve got some seriously comfortable shoes on
#3 I love my dog, he’s the best dog ever
#4 And now I’m smiling at the person right there, “Hey!”
#5 I got a seat on the bus today, that was nice

Frankly, visualizing the word SUNSHINE and a beach and hearing the sound of waves works equally well. Once you get the first two positive thoughts out, the rest will just…come. You might even laugh to yourself. If you’re really struggling, this is a fail-proof move: spread then flap your arms while saying – as loudly as possible: “This is fun! This is fun! This is fun!” The result will shock you.

The positive thoughts you come up with don’t have to be perfect, nor totally realistic, or rational — they’ll still work. You can think, “I love pink cupcakes!” Whatever. It’ll work.

How beautiful is that?

An additional tool explained in the article is to get in the habit of asking yourself this:

IS THE SITUATION REALLY A THREAT TO MY PERSONAL SURVIVAL?

The sooner you can ask this question and register a response, the sooner you’ll derail a harmful stress response before it goes full-fledged in your body. Your answer, which will be 9 times out of 10, “Not at all,” will put your lizard brain at ease. Ahhhhhhh!

Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up, and thumbs up.

The authors’ blog is on the Psychology Today site, where the Neuroscience of Communication is explained is easy-to-understand, layman’s terms.

Be kind to yourself.