Let’s break down this imaginary word for a very real guitarist condition, shall we?

What Is Post-Traumatic Shred Disorder aka PT-Shred-D?

As I said earlier, PT-Shred-D is a predictable consequence of guitiredness… but as predictable as it is, it remains wonderfully paradoxical.

Guitiredness drains you to the point where you can’t practice guitar.

Hell, it even takes you to the point where you can’t look at a guitar unless it’s inside your social media feed.

But after too much exposure to guitar videos – meaning you stayed guitired just a little too long – something strange happens…

Instead of not being able to play guitar anymore… Your fingers suddenly decide to play without your consent.

When you’ve been guitired for too long, you may feel the uncontrollable urge to mindlessly noodle on the fretboard, attempting :

• Compulsive sweeps
• Frantic two-hand tapping
• Involuntary jazz runs when nervous
• Phantom whammy-bar dipping
• Air-shredding while microwaving leftovers

… And all sort of other manic micro-techniques you absolutely did not intend to perform.

This, my friend, is Post-Traumatic Shred Disorder.

And it wouldn’t even be that bad if it didn’t come with that mild existential dread whenever a fellow guitarist casually drops the most dangerous phrase in the guitar vocabulary: “Check out this lick.”

Yes, even the best of us can be triggered by this simple invitation.

A PT-Shred-D-infected mind may interpret it as an aggressive call for a shred duel, leading immediately to:

• more noodling
• more compulsive sweeps
• more mindless shred

More, more, more… Because as Master Yngwie wisely said: “More is more.”

Unfortunately, more eventually leads to sore. There is only so much your poor little fingers can take.

So… Can You Shred Your Way Out of PT-Shred-D?

Good news: Yes, you can!

Bad news: it may require some radical measures…

Do’s to Overcome PT-Shred-D

• Get an acoustic guitar. Nothing stops shredding faster than the sudden awareness of actual string tension.
• Deep dive into cowboy-chord songs. If the chords have only letters and no numbers, you’re already healing.
• Upgrade your string gauge. Bass players know the truth… You don’t shred on heavy strings.
• Play bass. This is the next level if the heavier strings aren’t enough. Groove now, shred never.
• Overload on theory. Keep your mind so busy with scales, modes, and intervals that it can’t spare any resources for your damn fingers.
• Try reading a music score. Sure, you’re now on your way to a different psychological distress… but at least you’re out of PT-Shred-D.

Don’ts to Overcome PT-Shred-D

• If you decided to play acoustic guitar for a while… Do NOT listen to acoustic virtuosos. Yes, Tommy Emmanuel is a gift to humanity. No, you should not attempt to emulate him right now. This is the fastest way to reinforce PT-Shred-D.
• If you decided to switch to bass for a while… Do NOT solo on the bass. You’re here to groove, not to launch a one-man prog-fusion odyssey. If you feel that urge to solo on the bass, remember that’s just your PT-Shred-D crawling its way back in.
• Don’t watch a Tim Henson video. Your nervous system won’t survive it.

But hey… Feel free to do whatever it takes to walk off from this condition that is surprisingly common, and luckily treatable.

Hope this gave you a roadmap out of the madness… Because your fingers have rights too.

Until the next Guitar Fail Lexicon entry…

Keep shredding responsibly, keep noodling in moderation, and above all, remember that no lick is worth spiraling back into PT-Shred-D.

The post PT-Shred-D (A Condition Not Covered by Your Tone Insurance.) first appeared on Guitar Fail.

Yes, there’s no reason why you should not look good too!

If you’ve been practicing that chaotic punk stance, and anchoring yourself like a classical guitarist aka like a mountain of calm, you’re in luck. Today’s lesson requires both wildness and discipline.

Talk about a wide (and wild) split.

Without further ado, let’s unleash our new study…

Metal Guitarist Postures & Motions

Quite the paradoxical animal, this one.

The metal guitarist may look like an untamed beast… hair flying, limbs flailing, soul screaming.

But behind that sonic chaos lies a deep reservoir of precision, theory, and eternal noodling.

Underneath the distortion and leather… lives a nerd who channeled every single piece of music theory, and gear knowledge into the loudest guitar noises known to mankind.

And guess what? It all shows in the posture.

Anatomy of a Metal Stance: A Study in Contrasts

We weren’t kidding… the metal guitarist is a hybrid species. Let’s break it down…

What do Punk and Metal Guitarists have in common?

• The headbanging is mandatory. But in metal, you can add circular hair motion. Like a windmill… except you’re the wind. Provided that you have enough hair to generate that air circulation!
• Right-hand rhythm is essential. In punk, it’s downstrokes only. In metal, we allow upstrokes… because speed.
• Wide stance with firm grounding. But metal anchors both feet to the ground! But it still allows the optional up-and-down hip thrust. Proceed with caution. You’re not 20 anymore.

Conclusion?

Metal and punk guitarists are long-lost cousins who took different life paths: One got into pure chaos, the other into complex chaos.

What about Metal vs. Classical Guitarists?

• Left-hand perpetual motion. Cascades of single notes only. No chords strumming allowed.
• Anchored feet. No stools here, but the principle’s the same: don’t. move. your. feet.
• The Eyes. Metal: glued to the neck. Classical: glued to the sheet music. Both: existential dread of missing a note in every blink.

Could it be that classical and metal are closer than we thought?

Maybe. But that’s a full semester on its own. Let’s not go there.

Why You Should Practice the Metal Stance

Because it’s quite unique actually. It looks fun, and awesome… But, it’s secretly disciplined.

(Also, because deep down… you are that guy.)

The only valid excuse not to practicte that stance is baldness. Sorry.

Headbanging with no hair is just aggressive nodding.

It doesn’t hit the same.

It just doesn’t…

But Beware : Side Effects

Beside the obvious neck pain from too much headbanging, too much noodling on the fretboard may result in accidental jazz fusion… especially if you’re a theory nerd!

⚠️ Warning : The hip/knee bounce may cause injury. Start slow. Respect your tendons. Guitar Fail accepts no responsibility for pulled hammies… but we do accept fan mail when it pays off.

Bonus Training Notes

• Minimum hair length for effective windmill: 20cm. Extensions allowed.
• Practice with a metronome set to 220 bpm. Or just play Slayer.
• Choose your weapon wisely. Pointy, and aggressive guitars only. The pointier, the better.

Now go shred, scream, and hurt your neck… responsibly.

Until next time… class dismissed.

The post Brace Your Neck: The Metal Guitarist Stance Explained first appeared on Guitar Fail.

After the Blues Equation and Country Music (Badly) Explained, let’s dive into one crazy territory… Jazz!

You know, that little genre everyone thought was dead… except Frank Zappa, who told us the truth:

“Jazz isn’t dead, it just smells funny.“

Well, we’ve got an equation for jazz that will make you reconsider everything you thought you knew about it.

Trust the math.

Let’s Break Down the Jazz Equation

Forget all that theory mumbo-jumbo jazz cats keep blurting out! It’s designed to scare the rest of us away… a cunning way to protect their sacred land of complex chords and impossible scales.

But the reality is far less mysterious, my friends…

All you really need for a jazz tune is a massive amount of improvisation, divided by a compound variable made of lack of standard structure and complete disregard for boundaries.

And voilà… you’re playing jazz!

Of course, this formula works with every instrument known to humankind.

However, for guitarists out there, remember one crucial law of jazz physics:

No jazzbox = no jazz credibility.

That’s just science.

Bonus Math Note

After extensive calculations performed on a napkin at 2 a.m. in a smoky basement, we’ve reached the following conclusions:

• If Jazz = Improvisation / (Structure – Boundaries), then the number of possible notes played during a solo is directly proportional to the number of raised eyebrows in the audience.
• Jazz is pure energy, unmeasurable in conventional units. Hence the use of the JzU: 1 Jazz Unit (JzU) = 3.14 bars of improvisation over an undefined key signature.
• If you ever play a wrong note, just call it a tritone substitution and keep a straight face. More raised eyebrows guaranteed!

Now it’s time to practice your jazz chops.

But before you do, remember to:

• Forget the scales.
• Ignore the key signatures.
• Trust the math.

Until next time… Class dismissed.

The post Jazz Explained (Approximately) by Guitar Fail Math 101 first appeared on Guitar Fail.

Welcome to the second session of the semester, where we tone things down a bit. We suspect you might want to try these moves at home… and we’d rather you not end up in a neck brace.

Without further ado, today’s study…

Classical Guitarist Postures & Motions

A wonderfully quiet but dangerously skilled animal, this one.

The classical guitarist may look calm, maybe even dull but those fingers could run a high-paced fretboard marathon.

So how do they do it? Look no further… we figured it out! It’s all about anchoring to Mother Earth.

Classical Posture Breakdown

Classical guitarists are the mountains of guitar land. Once they sit on that stool, nothing moves them. Their legendary stability comes from the sacred Three-Point Anchoring System:

1. Butt on the stool.
2. Left foot on the footrest.
3. Right foot on the ground.

Once mastered, this posture lets them channel the Earth’s energy straight into their fingers.

Goodbye tremors… Hello steadiness.

That steady flow of geological power fuels ten perfectly synchronized digits gliding over the strings in eternal motion… and they won’t even break a sweat.

But Beware: Side Effects

If they do sweat, it’s mainly because of a severe case of performance anxiety, also known as perfectionism.

They’ve been trained too well at the academy… So well that now they can’t perform without:

• Stiffening the neck to lock the head in place,
• Staring anxiously at the music score,
• Freezing the feet to avoid tapping the tempo.

It’s tragic. They do feel the music, no doubt about it.

But imagine how ecstatically good it would be if they loosened up… just a little.

Should You Practice This Posture?

Definitely yes! A little academic knowledge never hurt anyone. So, a little academic posture would never hurt anyone… as long as you remember to breathe.

So sit tall, anchor deep, and please… Loosen up a little… pretty pretty please.

Bonus Training Notes:

• If your left foot slips off the footrest, you lose 20 credits in stage dignity.
• If your right foot taps the tempo, you lose 50 academic credits.
• Over-polish your nails for +5 tone, −10 spontaneity.
• Remember: the stool is both your throne and your prison.

Now you know how to sit like a classical guitarist, and survive the performance anxiety… Go practice the classical stance!

Until next time… Class dismissed.

The post The Three-Point Anchoring System of Classical Guitar Immobility first appeared on Guitar Fail.

Let’s get louder! Who cares if the results are questionable? Certainly not us. We proudly remain bad at math, good at noise.

So, without further ado… time for Lesson Two!

Today’s topic: Country Music aka the Other Mother of All Rock!

No one calls it that, but we do. Because we can.

What Does It Take to Play Country?

First off, you need to be heartbroken. Money-broke works too, but it can’t beat the pain of a fine gal leaving you for another cowboy.

Then, you need a truck. Every good Country story needs one.

Mind you, we said story, not necessarily song!

Add these two variables and bring in the ultimate twangy guitar, the almighty Telecaster!

If you wanna go further in the Country landscape, you can add a good dose of steel guitar… the instrument that doesn’t just cry, it wails.

It wails so much that it is highly probable that Ulysses himself might’ve succumbed to its charms. If only the Sirens had known! Imagine them playing steel guitars instead of singing…

Ulysses wouldn’t have stood a chance.

Trapped as a rat, Ulysses would’ve written the first Country song ever. Come on, it makes sense… boats are just the trucks of the sea. You can’t argue that fact! But anyway, this is a fantasy for an alternate universe… Let’s get back on track, shall we?

Let’s return to the equation… We got the first part down:

(Truck + Heartbreak) x (Twangy Guitar + optional Steel Guitar)

Once you injected your desired amount of steel guitars into the basic formula, all you gotta do is to divide all this by the Pop factor ! Any amount will do but be careful…

⚠️ The more Pop you add, the less Country your result will be.

And there’s only one way to fix that: replace the trucks with horses. The wilder the horses, the countrier the result… no matter how much Pop you inject.

You know… wild, wild horses. You know the tune.

Bonus math note:

• If your hat size ≥ 10 gallons, it automatically adds 30% country to the result.
• If your dog runs away but comes back, subtract emotional depth.
• If you replace heartbreak with whiskey, result may vary… but chart success likely.

Class dismissed.

See you next time for another swinging math lesson.

The post Country Music Explained (Badly) by Guitar Fail Math 101 first appeared on Guitar Fail.

So what’s next? Time to push the boundaries a little further… into a topic criminally overlooked despite its life-or-death importance:

Welcome to your very first Guitarist Postures & Motions class !

This stuff is no joke. Your postures and motions can make – or break – your rockstar image… Or your metalstar, punkstar, bluesstar… take your pick.

Punk Rock Guitarist Postures & Motions

If you’re into punk rock, you know the drill: the guitarist has to be the epitome of cool with a dash of nonchalance, and at the same time, the very picture of nervous energy.

It’s not easy to balance such a paradox. Good luck figuring that one out!

Wait ! No ! You don’t have to. We already did it for you.

Punk Rock Posture Breakdown

Let’s be real: this isn’t just a stance, it’s a lifestyle geometry problem.

• Hair down over the eyes ! Who needs to see the fretboard when chaos is the only scale?
• Mouth is just a beer exhaust valve ! Oxygen is optional, barley and hops are mandatory.
• That right foot isn’t holding you up, it’s holding the entire band together.
• That left foot loose is a fancy way of saying “expect to trip on a cable.”
• Low-hanging guitar because nothing screams “punk” like spinal problems at 30.
• Optional hip/knee motion may cause injury. Or, if done right, may also cause legends.

Master this combo and you’ll achieve the true punk equilibrium: equal parts chaos, downstrokes, and questionable life choices.

Now Go Practice !

Now you know ! You’ve got the blueprint. Time to perfect your punk rock stance.

⚠️ Disclaimer: some moves may cause injury. Start slow. Be progressive. Guitar Fail is not responsible for pulled muscles, but we’ll gladly accept your gratitude when the training pays off.

Now go steal your singer’s thunder ! Shame your bassist ! Ignore your drummer… Everyone else does !

And above all… Impress the crowd.

Until next time… Class dismissed !

The post How to Stand Like a Punk Rock Guitarist (Science Says So) first appeared on Guitar Fail.

Let’s break down this imaginary word for a very real guitarist condition, shall we?

What is Guitiredness ?

If you often scroll through endless YouTube tutorials, Instagram reels and guitar memes instead of actually playing the instrument…

Congratulations: you may be guitired.

There’s no shame in it. It’s not that your guitar skills suck or that you don’t have any inspiration. Your chops don’t suck. Your creativity is intact. You’re just… drained.

But don’t worry!

You are not alone finding yourself trapped in this endless cycle. This is an unexpected yet real side effect of being a guitarist… That comes with the territory.

And yes, it even happens to the best of us!

• Their guitar chops do not suck… Au contraire!
• They are pretty inspired, and creative…
• Yet, sometimes, their motivation to play guitar takes a hit. So do yours…

One moment you’re ready to shred the hell out of your guitar… The next you’re deep into a rabbit hole of memes, reels, and rehashed CAGED tutorials, pentatonic hacks, “top 10 licks you must know” or other guitar shenanigans, and whatnot.

In other words, it’s guitar fatigue or guitiredness! In plain English: you’re guitired!

Are you Guitired ?

Say no more! If you’re like us and have found yourself guitired, don’t fret! Well, actually… do fret, but you get the idea.

We’ve already shared a few Tips & Tricks to Beat Guitiredness over on our Substack… Simple do’s and don’ts to get you back to rocking.

They’re not revolutionary but they might resonate with you… and may help you overcome guitar fatigue.

And here are two bonus ones that didn’t make it in the Substack post :

• A 10-minute jam can beat an hour of scrolling.
• New strings sometimes fix more than new gear… And don’t even get us started on gear-hunting!

But, let’s face it: sometimes a good laugh at someone else’s stringed misfortune is also a cure to guitiredness. So, from time to time indulge yourself in a guitar scrolling frenzy… just don’t overdo it.

Hope this helped a little, and until the next Guitar Fail Lexicon entry… Keep practicing (just not to the point of guitiredness)!

PS: If you enjoyed this, a Substack subscription helps us keep the chaos alive – Guitar Fail’s Substack.

The post Guitar Fail Lexicon: Guitired (And Proud of It?) first appeared on Guitar Fail.

Welcome to your very first Guitar Fail Geometry 101 lesson.

This is the only geometry class you’ll ever need… and trust me, you need it!

Perfect Rocking Angles vs Perfect Boring Angles

Mastering the fine art of guitar geometry is vital. Here’s why:

• Because angles can make or break your rock star image.
• Because injuries happen so fast!
  To be fair, injuries could happen while you practice the perfect rocking angles. Consider yourself warned!
• Because why play straight when you can shred diagonally?
• Because standing at a right angle to your amp doesn’t guarantee the right tone.
  Don’t take my word for it, just try!
• Because triangles, power chords, and stage dives all share the same sacred geometry.

So, from now on: forget boring angles. Keep yourself, and your audience entertained. It’s all about finding the right stance to shred with style!

Which angles are you practicing today?

Rock on, and keep those angles sharp!

* In case you missed it, check the first “Guitar Fail Math 101 : The Blues Equation” lesson !

The post Guitar Fail Geometry 101: The Perfect Rocking Angles first appeared on Guitar Fail.

So here it is…

Guitar Fail Math 101

The only math class where failing is still a win.

Today’s lesson? The Blues aka the Mother of All Rock. Forget solving for X, we’re solving for the perfect Blues riff.

So, to play the perfect blues riff, all you really need is:

• A guitar, duh! Ain’t no blues without one.
• A life seasoned (or drowned) in volumes of booze. Yeah, we know… drink responsibly or don’t drink at all. But let’s be real, most Blues cats were often high on whatever liquors they could grab.
• Pack it all into 12 bars. And yes, that’s a lotta bars to hit.

Not into booze? Swap it for chocolate, yerba mate or whatever fuels your soul, and guts. Find your own thing to make it work, and tell us about it… And maybe we’ll update the equation for the next genre of Blues.

Class dismissed. See you next time for another soulful math lesson.

The post Guitar Fail Math 101: The Blues Equation first appeared on Guitar Fail.

And then… 35 failed attempts later, you’re trapped in a purgatory of plywood, elbow grease, and self-doubt?

Well. That’s me. For weeks, I’ve been trying (and failing) to replicate this majestic tribute to abstract lutherie… a.k.a. the Plankcaster.

It’s got strings, a bridge, and something that might have been a body in a past life. Maybe it’s an IKEA concept model gone wrong, maybe?

Anyway, after all those failed attempts to replicate this instrument of avant-garde despair, I’ve decided to go back to doing what I do best: poking fun at guitarchitecture gone wrong.

Also… heads-up :

Guitar Fail is cooking up some new flavors this fall. More visuals, more chaos, and still no clue how to play jazz chords.

Stay tuned. Or don’t. We’re used to bad tuning anyway.

The post The Plankcaster: a Modernist Sculpture With String Tension Issues first appeared on Guitar Fail.