Gump For Heisman

10 MORE Things to Look Forward to this College Football Season

2009-08-24T15:24:34-05:00

10) Making fun of rival player arrests as your entire D Line gets 5-10

"Man, can you guys believe that LSU player did a Diamond Dallas Page on his Econ teacher? What a bunch of thugs. I mean, sure, our strong safety roid-rufied a mascot, but I mean... that was bullshit."

Odds are, this sounds like you. Bless our hearts, most college football fans couldn't see the world straight with a team-sponsored leveler. We make fun of each other for doing the things, well, we do. Arkansas calls Mississippi inbred. Oklahoma calls USC cheaters. OJ calls Donte Stallworth a copycat.

Hey look, it happens. But when it comes to mocking player arrests, tread lightly. It's like running for president when you're a Bush: everybody gets their turn. And yours is right around the corner. So if you aren't careful, you'll end up with Dukakis on your face.

Besides, are you really that surprised that the guy who's on scholarship because he really likes to hit people really likes to hit people?

If you're in SEC country, heed this rule especially. Put down the stone and say hello to your glass house.

In the SEC, coaching salaries aren't the only thing out of control. It's like Hank Williams Jr. said. Only this time, all your rowdy friends are on scholarship.

It works like this: If you laugh at a rival guy for stealing a car, your guy will steal a tank. If you laugh at a rival guy for smoking a joint, your guy will smoke a pedestrian. That's karma, that's how it works. The second you make fun of a rival fullback who stumbles into an underage MIP, your favorite linebacker Lattimers an underage KD.

If you're with a team outside the SEC, you have every right to look down in concern. In fact, you should be concerned about who SEC players are victimizing the worst: You.

9) Reading about recruits from ridiculously futuristic-sounding years

The next time you log on to Rivals.com, you're going to read about a weakside linebacker from the year 2046. He's visiting your campus the weekend of the next Haley's Comet.

His first name is Megabot. His last name is a series of decimals. He has offers from USC, Ohio State and the Galactic Empire. And he runs a 3.1 40, because his lower torso is a fucking rocketship.

Of course you feel old. It's natural. As you see the headline '2012 QB loves Trojans' you think "When the fuck were these kids born, W's second term?"

But hey, this is recruiting. Do the groundkeepers at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium prefer it when the official visitor list is potty-trained? Of course they do. Then again, that's not their call. Pretty soon, Urban Meyer and Nick Saban are going to be evaluating talent using stethoscopes in the maternity ward. The future is the future.

Speaking of the future, what happened to the movie-future? You know, the one we were promised as young impressionable children in the 1980's? Where is my goddam spaceship? "Uh, yes, Microsoft? I'd like one giant robot suit, please. Express Ground."

Seriously, what in the name of Sigourney Fucking Weaver is going on here? Future my ass. This is more Flintstones than Jetsons.

According to 1980's movies, you should be reading this article from a goddam space pod hovering above your other space pod in front of your robotic dog while your robotic maid reaches in your lap and rubs one out into a robotic hand towel.

Instead, you have an iPhone. Yabba dabba do.

8) Talking lots and lots of man-gossip

The next time you give your wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy a hard time for reading US Weekly, remember that at some point this year, you are going to call your buddy and say something to the effect of:

"OMG, did you see Mark Barkley's scrimmage stats?"

"Yea, like totally. I can't believe he went 13-21 with 221 yards and 2 TDs. He got like, so hot. Do you think he'll start? I bet he does. He should start, I don't blame him. That Mitch Mustain is no good. I heard bad things about him. Oh wait... this is Russell beeping in. I bet he doesn't know. Let me call you back-"

They have a word for the previous conversation: gossip. Yea, it's man-gossip, and yea it's exagerrated, but come on fellas. Give the ladies come credit. We all do the same shit.

She's reading about Britney Spears' labia, you're reading about Julio Jones' hernia. What's the difference?

The time you made fun of her for renting 27 Dresses with the pink DVD case? That was right after that time you rented Rambo 4. Which got a fucking 37% on Rotten Tomatoes.

37%?? My fourth-grade production of The Music Man has a higher Tomatometer than that.

Yep, we got trouble. Right here in College Station. Because, dudes that love to talk college football, let's face it: when it comes to the hypocritical factor, we are guilty-as-charged.

P.S. I heard Bryce Brown and Lane Kiffin are like, already thinking about calling it quits.

7) Being at work and not working

Admit it, you haven't done anything productive in three hours. And no, logging onto espn.com 13 times in 12 minutes to see if the new AP rankings are out yet is not productive.

But honestly, who can blame you? You may be pulling a 9-5, but your team just pulled a 41-17.

OK, so your boss can blame you. But not if he thinks you're working. So make like a celeb-in-public and disguise.

Remember, no one is casting stones here. It's fucking Friday. In 19 hours, your team is about to play the #5 team in the country, at home, in front of a national TV audience and shitloads of friends you cannot wait to hang out with. What does your cubicle have to match the excitement of that?

The hot office girl?

Face it, she's not even that hot. Yea, she's hot when compared to Steve from IT, but who isn't? Alf is a fucking 10 if we're using Steve from IT as the barometer. If you took hot-office-girl and put her in a bar full of other hot girls, your eye would wander like David Caruso in Kung Fu.

The bottom line is this: jobs are boring, college football is not. So get your work done early in the week, pop open Internet Explorer, hide it behind PowerPoint, put a serious look on your face, and click away my friend.

6) Talking team-related shit in traffic

What? Some dickhead with an Ohio State University sticker just cut you off? Well go ahead, show him The middle finger. As a matter of fact, wrap a mai tai cocktail in a red sweater vest and Abdul-Jabbar that motherfucker out your moon roof. You know you want to.

What is it that's really bothering you?

It's not so much the swim move he just pulled to get in the far right lane.

It's the fact that, above your car's state-issued nickname it says 'Michigan Wolverines.' And for the last five years, that guy's team has been pulling your team over to the side of the road and turning a rivalry into a rest-stop butt-rape.

Go ahead, behave badly. Texas guys, honk at Oklahoma guys. Auburn guys, honk if you sacked Brodie. USC guys, honk if you don't have a legitimate rival.

Because let's be honest, when you're late to work, the only thing worse than getting locked out of the right turn lane, is getting locked out of the right turn lane by a guy with a license plate that says 'TEBOWD' when your middle name is "Neyland."

5) Deifying the new invincible coach (until he's no longer invincible)

"Steve Spurrier is the new Bear Bryant."

Until Bob Stoops is the new Bear Bryant. Until Pete Carroll is the new Bear Bryant. Until Nick Saban is the new Bear Bryant. Until Nick Saban goes 7-6 and isn't but then is again for a little while but then isn't again once he gets blown out by Utah. Effectively making Urban Meyer... the new Bear Bryant.

Face it fans, college coaches get built up and torn down at a higher rate than members of the Spears family. At this rate, if I have a good first two hours at work tomorrow, I will hold the title of "New Invincible Coach" for approximately 27 minutes.

In 1999, when Steve Spurrier was wearing a visor in sunny Florida turning away 5-stars whilst playing office putt-putt, he was the greatest piece of ass the SEC had seen since The Hatted One.

In 2009, when Steve Spurrier is wearing a visor in shitty South Carolina and welcoming in 3-stars whilst playing office putt-putt, he's a washed-up prom queen with a double-chin.

It's a never-ending cycle.

Bob Stoops in December 2003 gave sliced bread a bad name. Enter Kansas State, Nick Saban's 3-4, and 143 consecutive BCS Bowl flops, and he's just one of the pack. The elite pack nonetheless, but gone are the days of Lee Fowler wiping Stoops-juice off his chin during commercial breaks of College Gameday.

When will the madness stop? Probably never.

Because there's no way Urban Meyer can ever lose another game.

4) Making damning remarks to televised referees who could whip your ass

OK, so it was a bad call. A really bad call.

And yea, you're in your living room, and yea your girlfriend is out catching dinner-and-a-movie with her chatty single friend from work, and yea, you're grabbing beers watching the game with your wild friend from college with the crazy-ass nickname. You know, the guy who was batshit enough to turn a perfectly good, one-syllable name like "Dan" into "Danimal."

So it's just you and the Danimal. And you're on Miller Lite #'s 11 and 14, respectively. And yes, back to the point, it was an awful fucking call by the line judge. Your team got hosed.

But really? Do you really think it's the best idea that someone "kick that fuckin' ref in the balls"? And then "run over that fuckin' ref with the medical cart"? And then "pummel that fuckin' ref with rubber bullets"? And then "find out that ref's address and burn a goalpost in his yard"?

Stop and think. What in the name of Mississippi Burning are you talking about? First off, that ref may be 55, but odds are he would beat your fucking ass. You don't become an SEC referee unless you were a major badass in your 20's and 30's. Most of these guys were fucking linebackers. And they can't wait to fuck you up. Just ask Stephen Garcia.

So before you say anything you really regret, pound another brew with the Danimal and cool your fucking jets. I mean, what's next, the gas chamber? Tell us, oh collegiate Hitler, what do you have in store after that? At this pace, you might as well tar-and-feather Mills Lane.

And yea yea yea. We all know. If you ever see that ref, you're going to rip off your shirt and cover yourself in camo-mud ala Arnold in The Predator, then go after that bastard with a 2-foot machete.

Sure.

3) Throwing your team under the bus for a hot piece of ass

OK, so you're a die-hard 'Bama fan. Born and raised to love the Tide. You know what else you were probably raised to love? 'Tang. And not the Chris Rock movie.

Your team or that vaj? At some point, you're going to have to choose. So you're hanging out Friday before the game, and there stands a hottie. Only problem, her cheek says 'AU.' If you're a dyslexic 'Bama fan, you're good to go. If not, you may feel some team loyalty creeping into your trousers. In this situation, fuck loyalty. Think of it like this. You're Don Draper. Your team allegiance is Betty. And... GO.

Forget those silly little ESPN commercials where it's gross to make out with hot chicks in Ohio State t-shirts. It's not gross, it's great. You know what's even greater? Making out with hot chicks you get out of Ohio State t-shirts.

So what she's from Auburn? Admit it, you don't care. You don't care if she named her vagina Tommy Tubbersnatch. You'd hit it six times in a row. And you'd keep hitting it, until her bigger brother showed up and whipped your ass out of town just like her va-jay-jay's namesake.

But there's one rule: If you haven't slept with her yet, don't talk shit. Unless you are the cutest shit-talker in the history of intercourse. If you're dating her, it's perfectly OK to lay in bed and talk a little post-smack smack. But unless you want to be jerking it tonight to a Daniel Moore painting, don't lead with shit talk.

Everyone in the world outside of Auburn, AL knows Gene Chizik is going to fail and get shit-canned within four years and go back to being an assistant. Just like everyone in the world outside of Tuscaloosa, AL knew Mike Shula would fail and get shit-canned within four years and go back to being an assistant.

You're aware of it, along with everyone else. Alabamians, Americans, North Koreans, Sudanese refugees, Brangelina's adopt-a-babies, Lenny Dykstra, Gene Chizik, Gene Chizik's pets, everyone.

Don't feel guilty if you decide to go for it. Think about it like that movie Sleeping With The Enemy. Or at least Getting To Third Base With The Enemy. Just play it cool. If you don't play it cool, there's a movie about that too. It's called Never Been Kissed.

2) Undeservedly hating on college football TV announcers

"Did you hear that? Verne Lundquist is terrible. He just called Charles Scott 'Charles Lott.'"

OK, so Lundquist is old. So what? We all know what he meant. Is anyone actually getting confused out there? The same guy he just called 'Charles Scott' four consecutive times didn't all the sudden ILM-morph into Ronnie Lott's nephew.

So Brent Musberger can't remember your third-string platoon uber-red-shirt wideout's last name. So what? You forget shit all the time.

Remember that time you forgot your undershirt and sweated-thru at your cousin's wedding? Remember that time you forgot to remember that toothbrush you forgot? Remember that time you forgot to put some condoms in your back pocket in Miami and woke up the next Tuesday with a mushroom on your penis?

What, Lundquist didn't remember all the letters in somebody's name? Hell, you don't even remember all of last night. At one point, you slammed a tequila shot, poured salt on your tongue and licked a fat chick's arm while performing air guitar and swaying like Axl Rose.

OK, so you didn't do that. Not at all. But you could have. And you don't definitively remember that youdidn't do that. That's the real issue here.

Look, the SEC has 12 teams, each with 85-man rosters. For those of you keeping score at home, that's a pool of 1,020 strangers. And that's just one conference.

There are 119 Division 1 teams, making that 10,115 strangers. Dude-strangers, by the way. When you go out, you can't even remember one dude's name. Much less 10,115 dudes. Yea, you're better at remembering girls' names. Who with a cock and more balls than Lance Armstrong isn't?

We aren't talking you calling out 10,115 toothpicks, Rainman. We're talking you knowing 10,115 human beings, all with different names, some of them just plain ridiculous.

"And there's #82... Quantay Robinson."

Quantay? Really? That sounds like a a sci-fi arcade game from 1986. If that's your name, cool. But don't expect anyone, especially a 70-year old grandpa, to pronounce it right the first 34 times.

1) Being seriously buzzed at 11:30 A.M.

Yep. It's Saturday morning. Most people are out running errands, taking the dog for a walk, catching up on their DVRs, or cutting the crust off sandwiches for the kiddos. And here you are standing in the back corner of a frat house sipping on the rushed-out sequel to Bloody Mary 1: Back On The Wagon. Fret not. It's not alcoholism if there's a team logo on your chest.

OK, so maybe it's borderline alcoholic. But who gives a fuck? What's the alternative, being the swarmy little college-town vegan who "hates football 'cause of traffic," buys organic bottled water and eats burgers made of bean? Fuck that guy.

Q: What has more chest hair than a college-town vegan?

A: His girlfriend.

Drink up. This is college football. If you aren't drinking, you aren't trying. For fucks sake, it has the word "college" right there in the name. What other excuse do you need to drink?

It is perfectly OK to get drunk at, before, during or after any event that has the word "college" in it. "College trivia night," "college bingo," "college class," "college AA meeting," etc.

The tie between college and alcohol is so strong that, if you take simple words and add "college" to them, it implies drunkeness.

house > college house

night > College Night

hour > College Hour

Oh, and if you see one of those holy-rollers preaching the fire-and-brimstone gospel outside of the stadium like they do in Athens, don't feel guilty. Just smile, take a sip of your whiskey-drink, and remind them that Jesus didn't turn water into loud obnoxious dickfaces.

After all, if you're going to Hell, you aren't going there alone. You're bringing 92,000 drinking buddies.

Let the festivities begin.

Tide fans... Come see the creator of Gump4Heisman, LIVE!

2009-08-14T16:04:41-05:00

Aight, so if this site has ever made you laugh at your computer screen, come see if the guy who thinks up all this stuff can make you laugh… LIVE.

(NOTE: If you don’t want to read on, click the flyer below to enlarge)

For my bio…

Comedian Patton Smith is a fast-riser on the comedy scene. Not even a year-and-a-half into his comedy career, he has worked with veteran comedians like Brett Butler, Greg Proops, Charlie Murphy, Todd Glass and Jamie Kennedy, and been booked in comedy clubs coast-to-coast, from The Laughing Skull Lounge in Atlanta to the world-famous Comedy Store in Hollywood. Named "Chattanooga's Funniest Human" in 2008, Patton currently resides in Atlanta, GA and is a regular in clubs all across the Southeast. He combines an irreverent, goofy sense of humor with an intelligently twisted life-view for a truly unique blend of comedy.

So…

On Friday, Sept. 4^th – the night before the massively massive #5-vs.-#7 Alabama-Virginia Tech massive showdown of massiveness – I’m headlining a special, one-night only show in Atlanta, GA.

The show is “COMEDY GOLD,” voted Atlanta’s Best Comedy Show in 2008 by ATLANTA magazine, and it regularly features top comics from New York and L.A.

I’ll just be getting back into Atlanta fresh off a huge week of shows in LA at The Comedy Store, The Laugh Factory, The Hollywood IMPROV and The Ice House Comedy Club, and I’m really excited to headline a show with (hopefully) a lot of ‘Bama fans and friends in the crowd.

So come out and share a few laughs with the Gump4Heisman guy the night before Saban and the Tide rock the Georgia Dome!

DETAILS:

Showtime: Friday, Sept. 4 – Doors open at 7:30, Show starts at 8:00
Tickets: $10 at door

Address:

3652 Roswell Rd. NE

Atlanta, GA 30305

(404) 816 - 9090

The Gump Presents: Alternate Tim Tebow SI Covers

2009-08-14T08:00:00-05:00

Ah, the college football season is finally upon us.
Who should we start by satirizing? Well, in case you haven't heard, Florida has this quarterback guy. Tends to get a few headlines written about him.

Let's write some more.

(NOTE: Click image to enlarge)

Alternate Cover #1:

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Alternate Cover #3:

Alternate Cover #4:

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Alternate Cover #6:

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FIN.

An Auburn Man's Letter to the Delusional Bammer Nation

2009-04-29T10:11:43-05:00

Dear Bammer Nation,

Well, well, well.

How are we feeling today Mr. Fancy Pants Bammers?

All us Auburn Tigers have heard about the last two years is your fancy-pants new coach, and your fancy-pants new stadium, and your fancy-pants new statues, and your fancy-pants new locker room.

Well, look who went and got fancy this time.

Auburn.

That's right. In the legs race that is the SEC Recruiting war, Auburn has just taken things to a whole new level.

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Magnetized limos.

See? We are living high off the hog down here on the plains, what with our magnetic limos and shit.

What was that Bammer? You are adding onto your stadium again? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. The windows in my magnetic limo were rolled up.

Do your hear that bammer? That's the sound of us renting limos.

When my kid turns 16, he ain't getting no Jeep. He's getting a fucking limo. I'll lease the shit outta that thing.

Why? Cause he's an Auburn Tiger.

That's right Bammers. We. Got. Elongated. Sedans.

And they're fucking magnetized.

Deal with it.

Yes bammers, they are like regular sedans. Only longer. And way more badass. Not only do they raise the bar, they come equipped with one. One that is stocked with a virtual army of carbonation.

We have enough Dr. Thunder to quench the thirsts of every 4-star from here to fucking Ontario. Which is all the way in Arkansas.

Oh, and bammers, just so you know, we drink Dr. Thunder by choice.

There has been an Auburn-wide ban on Dr. Pepper ever since that lousy two-and-a-half hour Bammomerical called Forrest Gump.

That bammer propaganda comes on HBO all the time. But guess what? We drive limos. We don't care about some retardo fairy tale. Do you think we give a fuck how many Dr. Peppers Forrest GUmp drank at his Bammer black-and-white All-American party? Do you think we care what happened in Forrest Gump?

Do you think we care how you got Forrest Gump qualified academically even though he was dumber than Eric Ramsey on novocaine?

Do you think we care how, whenever Forrest Gump wipes his face off, it forms an perfectly fucking symmetrical smiley face?

Do you think we care how Jenny got AIDs but didn't give it to Forrest Gump even though she snuck in his bedroom and rode his junk cowgirl style and probably gave up the tainted vaj a bunch more upon her triumphant return from coke-whoredom?

No, we don't.

You see, I'm an Auburn Tiger. I don't care about the past. I don't even care about yesterday. I don't even care about this last sentence I just typed. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

Or this one.

I just care about this: We beat you six years in a row.

Now. You bammers might want to know, what else can The Chiz do?

What does he do in his free time, when he's not magnetizing fucking limos?

He magnetizes tanks. And hummers. And sharks. And helicopters.

Just wait until The Chiz's white magnetized Blue Angel jet planes do a fly-by over your precious Bahr-Denny Stadium (in which Auburn is undefeated dating back to Paul Revere's 44th birthday and not counting games played on November 30, 2008.)

What is going to happen then?

I'll tell you what's going to happen. You're going to get fucked like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball, which is an 8 year-old movie that I just referenced.

Just wait until The Chiz figures out how to put car magnets on submarines.

What is going to happen then?

He will submerge his vessel and fly his Auburn Tiger flags like an underwater pirate. Wahhhrrr Eagle. All the marine life will piss their fucking pants. In sheer Auburn Tiger amazement.

Tell me this bammers. Do you smell what The Chiz is cooking?

Just wait. The Chiz will use this tactic to recruit nationally.

Next, The Chiz will film a recruiting movie on his white magnetic submarine starring Denzel Washington. It will be much, much better than that shitty movie Crimson Tide.

It will be called Auburn Tigers. That is a great title for a movie that takes place in an ocean. Sure, it doesn't have a double-meaning that's also an ocean reference, but so what? Ocean references are for bammers.

Auburn Tigers will have references to Auburn Football throughout the entire movie. Bo Jackson will play the role of a submarine commander who runs a 4.1 40. And swims a 4.1 40. It will be way better than Crimson Tide, because there will only be Auburn references in it.

There will not will be any gay bammer shit like Gene Hackman having a dog named "Bear" or Tony Soprano and a bunch of soldiers shouting "Go Bama! Roll Tide!" on the middle of a battleship.

Instead, Gene Hackman's dog's name will be "Fuck Nick Saban," and Paulie Walnuts will appear in random scenes to say things like "Fuck Bama! War Eagle!"

Also, in the film, Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and The Chiz will wrestle for control of a white submarine adorned in Auburn magnets. At the end, The Chiz will face Gene Hackman in a dramatic Gene-Off, at which point The Chiz will authenticate the fuck out of everyone and retake control of the vessel.

Then, The Chiz will re-emerge his submarine on the surface of the Mobile Bay, pop out of it, and wave to a crowd of five-star recruits, who will all commit to Auburn on the spot.

The final scene will be a montage scene of five-stars signing with Auburn and The Chiz climbing various mountains, all set to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid.

There will be 8 deleted scenes on the Special Edition "Auburn Tigers" Unrated Edition: The Chiz Is On The Prowl Edition: DVD Edition DVD. Seven of them will be of Nick Saban crying like a bitch because Auburn has signed all his five-stars. The other one will be a montage of The Chiz starting fires in the rain and flexing, which will be set to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid.

In fact, any time The Chiz appears onscreen, it will be to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. He will not even have any dialogue in the entire movie. Every scene he is in will be a badass montage of him winning everything and signing five-stars.

It will be the greatest pop-culture moment in Auburn football history. It will be the only movie based off Auburn since that porno version of "Punt, Bama, Punt." Can't think of the name. Believe it started with a 'C.'

All the five-stars will see it opening day, it will gross $204 million opening weekend, and The Auburn Tigers will reign supreme and Bammer will crumble. The world will be restored to the way it has always been from the years 2002-2006. And Auburn fans will rejoice.

Saban will leave 'Bama for the NBA and Bammer will get put on double-secret probation. Then Auburn's problems, and world hunger, will disappear.

The Chiz will be honored with the Nobel Peace prize for signing five-stars and ending the recession. And Auburn will bask in the national prominence they're used to enjoying every year that ends in '004.'

And don't forget, you delusional bammers, it all started with a "Tiger Prowl."

Gump4Heisman's "Guerilla-Style Auburn-Coaching-Search Parody"

2008-12-20T13:07:00-06:00

Guerilla warfare. Hit and run. Strike and hide. Random. Ass. Attack.

That’s the name of the game in today’s Guerilla-Style Auburn Coaching Search Parody.
Some cutting satire in here (and some language), so not for the easily-offended. (But, you wouldn't be here if you were easily-offended, would you?)
The rest of you, ENJOY.

Gump4Heisman’s "Official Jay Jacobs X-Ray"

CLICK HERE:

Officially-Licensed Jay Jacobs X-Ray.

Top 10 teams Gene Chizik has beaten:

1) South Dakota State

2) Kansas State

3) Iowa

4) Colorado

5) Kent State

6)

7)

8)

9)

10)

Gump4Heisman’s #1 Thing That Rhymes with “Chizik”:

“Disaster”

Officially-Licensed 2008 Auburn Fan Poem:

These damn Bammers live in the past,

These last six years, oh what a blast.

They came and went, oh so fast

Is Alabama’s leg still in a cast?

I knew that shit wouldn’t last

I can’t believe we’ve been surpassed.

How, how, how did they outlast

Secretaries, coaches, strippers harassed?

No more lenses blue-and-orange glassed

Lord Saban’s armies, they have amassed

With recruiting classes way too vast

For my ‘Bama-hatin, Lee County ass.

Here is Saban, barely two years have passed

How does one little man = one big contrast?

Every time I watch ‘Bama, I sit there aghast

The role of little brother has just been recast.

I can’t even watch, I’m tired and I’m gassed,

I’d like to cancel my service, is this Comcast?

Three Movies Not in Bobby Lowder’s Netflix Queue

1)

2)

3)

Three Auburn-specific Britney Spears Choruses:

“Sabanized, Saban-Sabanized,

You’ve been Sabanized.

Oh, Sabanized, oh

You were Sabanized baby.

You, you, you were

You, you, you were

Sabanized, Sabanized,

Sabanized.”

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“I’m a, slaaaaaaaaaaave, for you

Who do you wanna fire, who do you wanna hire?

I’m a, slaaaaaaaaaaave, for you

Just tell me Mr. Lowder, so long as he’s white as powder”

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“Oops, I did it again!

I played up probation, got lost in the streak,

Oh Saban, Saban

Oops! You fit like a glove,

Were you sent from above?

I’m not, that, relevant.”

Gene Chizik’s Top 3 things to eat before a speech:

Corn

Cheese

Wheelbarrows of bullshit

Gump4Heisman presents:
"Top 3 best-selling hats in Auburn, Ala."

#3)

#2)

#1)

People who have a higher career winning percentage than Gene Chizik:

Lee Corso

Mike DuBose

Terry Bowden

Mike Shula

Joe Kines

Turner Gill’s wife

Bad guys in PG movies

Top 2 Most Popular Phrases in Auburn, Ala. :

2) “War Eagle”

1) “Ni__er”

In Honor of Gene Chizik v. Nick Saban:
"OTHER TOP MISMATCHES IN HISTORY"

John Lithgow v. Sylvester Stallone, Cliffhanger

Just the name says it all. Stallone vs. Lithgow. Rambo vs. Third Rock From The Sun. Over The Top vs. Orange County. Cobra vs. Harry and the Hendersons.

In terms of pure testosterone, and not taking into account movie quality, this one isn’t even close. We’re talking right crosses, not Rotten Tomatoes. And Lithgow’s high-thespian accent reeks of “I had my face beaten in as a kid.” Whereas Stallone’s grumbly, tough guy accent reeks of “I had my face beaten in as an adult.”

Stallone v. Lithgow. This is like Schwarzenegger v. Tim Robbins. Chuck Norris v. Dustin Hoffman. The Rock v. James Franco. The Godfather II v. The Godfather III.

BLOW-OUT.

Obi-Wan Kenobi v. Darth Vader II, Star Wars

This was a mismatch not of ability, but of age. By the time these two titans faced off again, Obi-Wan had aged less like a Golden God and more like Goldie Hawn.

Something tells me that if black people exist in the Star Wars universe beyond Lando Calrissian and Jar Jar Binks, they have to get their hair cut. Hence, intergalactic barbershops. Where they probably have arguments like this one:

Clarence: You must be out yo goddamn mind! Obi-Wan Kenobi is the greatest Jedi that ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was better than Yoda, he was better than the Emperor, and that new dude, what's his name, Luke Skywalker, looks like an SEC frat boy, he was better than him too.

Saul: What about Darth Vader?

Clarence: Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout Jedi, the Empire got to pull Darth Vader out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Darth Vader. Darth Vader. Let me tell you something once and for all. Darth Vader was good, but compared to Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Vader ain't shit."

Saul: He beat Obi-Wan’s ass!

Sweets: That's right he did whoop Obi-Wan’s ass.

Clarence: Obi-Wan was 137 years old!

Ambrose Burnside v. Robert E. Lee, The Battle of Fredericksburg

As if things weren’t bad enough for Ambrose Burnside for having a name like Ambrose Burnside, he also had his teeth kicked in by a non-existent country. Yep, at Fredericksburg ol’ Burnsie suffered one of the most lop-sided defeats in American military history, as the Union had 12,653 casualties to the Confederacy’s 5,377.

Much like the Alabama-Auburn rivalry going forward, this was one-sided domination by a military genius, aided by a complete incompetent leading the other side into battle.

Reports that Lee tea-bagged Burnside in his sleep the night after the battle are as of yet unconfirmed. Multiple attempts by Gump4Heisman to reach Burnside for comment were unsuccessful.

Carl Weathers v. Ivan Drago, Rocky IV

Throw in the goddam towel, Stallone. This one’s getting ridiculous.

Your buddy is getting pounded like a slutty Kappa. And it’s especially embarrassing considering that, just minutes beforehand, this same buddy was dancing like Tom Cruise on Oprah.

Seriously, in Rocky IV Carl Weathers gets beaten like an adolescent penis. Completely one-sided. Anyone else ever wondered ‘How the fuck did Carl Weathers train for this fight?’ By watching Lifetime and crying? For God’s sake, his trainer is Rocky Balboa. How did they both let it get to the point where he not only gets killed, he gets killed.

So let me get this straight, when Carl Weathers fights Rocky, Carl Weathers wins the first fight, and loses the second fight by one second. Yet when Carl Weathers and Rocky fight Russian dudes, Carl Weathers gets murdered in the 2^nd round and Rocky wins by TKO? What the fuck?

Anyways, the scene at the end of this one =’s Carl Weathers’ corpse lying face-down on the ground. Having back spasms.

Carl Weathers v. The Predator, Predator

In the 1980’s, Carl Weathers just couldn’t catch a break. Two years after being beaten to death by a 6’5” Communist with spiked hair, Carl Weathers runs afoul of an invisible 6’11” alien with dreads.

Ivan Drago? Shit, that was child’s play for Carl Weathers compared to this one. This time around, Carl Weathers has his arm exploded – mid machine-gun fire, mind you – by a red laser. Then Carl Weathers is impaled by an invisible bayonet, lifted into the air, and – presumably – has his skull and spine ripped from his lifeless body, only to be cleaned and stored in a treehouse.

Ouch. I’ll take a sweaty back-spasm death any day over this one.

Carl Weathers v. the alligator in Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore

Poor Carl Weathers. It’s one thing to die in a Sylvester Stallone movie. It’s another thing to die in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. But kicking the can in an Adam Sandler movie? That just doesn’t happen unless you’re Carl Weathers.

Most people get in an Adam Sandler movie and the worst they suffer is critical rejection. Carl Weathers gets in an Adam Sandler movie and gets killed by a stuffed alligator. WTF?

List of people, since the history of time, who have been killed by stuffed alligators:

1) Captain Hook

2) Carl Weathers

What is it with Carl Weathers constantly losing body parts to dark-green creatures? Something tells me if Carl Weathers were in a Jurassic Park movie, he would have his balls clawed off by a raptor.
--------

Carl Weathers: “I tried to go to Auburn. But I couldn’t get the job.”

Happy Gilmore: “Why, because you were black?”

Carl Weathers: “Hell no, damned alligator bit my hand off!”

Q: "Magic 8-ball, does Bobby Lowder still refer to Muhammad Ali as “Cassius Clay”?"

A:

Greatest Hip-Hop Artists of All-Time
(As selected by Auburn University):

#3) Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice, and Jimmy Rayne, cook pounds of bacon on the reg.

#2) Aaron Carter

GOAT? Greatest. Of. All. Time? No one can speak on the realness of the streets like Aaron Fucking Carter.

#1) Snow

"Informer!" (No, not Eric Ramsey.)

Fun With Numbers (& Gene Chizik):

Gene Chizik’s career record is 5-19. That’s a pretty good record if you’re trying to get laid, and a horrible record if you’re trying to coach football. In 2008, Gene Chizik went 2-10. Awesome. Let’s play Fun With Numbers!

2-10:

In 2006, Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Josh Towers went 2-10 with an 8.42 ERA, one of the worst seasons by a pitcher in MLB history. In 2007, he was voted #3 on the list of worst Blue Jays pitchers of all-time.

According to baseballreference.com, he was not subsequently offered a job at Auburn.

5-19:

In 1952, Detroit Tigers pitcher Virgil Trucks went 5-19. After the season, he found out he had been traded. By reading it in the newspaper.

Ironically, on Monday, that’s how most Auburn fans found out they were totally fucked.

Other famous 5-19’s:

May 19^th, 1994: Jackie Kennedy Onassis passes away. Coincidentally, the last time Auburn led the head-to-head series with Alabama was in 1963, the year her husband was assassinated in the head.

May 19^th, 1935: T.E. Lawrence, the real-life “Lawrence of Arabia,” is killed in a motorcycle wreck. Coincidentally, 73 years later Auburn Football would be killed in a train wreck.

May 19^th, 1536: Anne Boleyn, the 2^nd wife of Henry VIII, is beheaded. Interestingly, wives of Henry VIII have a higher success rate than head coach Gene Chizik. (2-out-of-6 (33%) vs. 5-out-of-24 (20.8%)). Way to go ladies!

DID YOU KNOW?

- If you multiply Gene Chizik’s winning percentage by four, it comes out to .832, which is 8 points higher than Paul “Bear” Bryant’s winning percentage at Alabama (.824). War Eagle!

- Tommy Tuberville was fired for winning 5 games. Gene Chizik was hired for winning 5 games.

- Nick Saban-Gene Chizik 2008 regular season win/loss differential: Saban (+12), Chizik (-8) = Nick Saban, +20.

- If Gene Chizik’s winning percentage (20.8) were a person, it would not be able to legally drink.

Gump4Heisman’s Guide to Surviving “The Great Procession”

2008-12-04T18:46:16-06:00

A Handy Guide on How to Keep Your Job in a Post-Saban Era

We’re all worried.

You have to worry about the Dow Jones, you have to worry about the economy, and now you have to worry about 5’7” workaholics getting you fired.

In September 2007, Nick Saban coached his first game at Alabama. Flash forward 15 months, and nearly half the coaches in the SEC (5) have been fired. Ah, “The Process.” As far as SEC fanbases go, loved by one, hated by many.

What has happened to all these men?

What do you call it?

Sabanized?

Processed?

Those terms don’t capture the sheer breadth of the whole thing. This is massive. This is widespread. There is panic. There is fear. There is Saban.

We are, my friends, in the midst of The Great Procession.

But don’t fret. With Gump4Heisman’s handy guide to handling The Great Procession, you’ll learn how to deal with what’s happened, how to avoid the pitfalls, how to keep your job, as they say, “Safe from Saban,” and how to emulate the best to be the best.

----

People are dropping like flies. Is Saban going to come after us too? Are we all doomed? Should we all head out to Californee in search of free potato soup/internet?

Is the Post-Saban Apocalypse upon us?

Do not fear. To avoid being like the men pictured above, you can follow these simple steps.

WARNING: Gump4Heisman.com offers you no safe haven from Saban. In fact, you will probably be fired by Nick Saban 7-12 minutes after reading this Guide to Not Being Fired By Nick Saban. This Guide simply reduces the risk that Nick Saban is going to floss his teeth with your 401k. (Firing Probability before reading this article: 100%; Firing Probability after reading this article: 99.999%)

Step #1: Put “Black Wednesday” behind you.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007.

Or, as the rest of college football knows it, “Black Wednesday.”

Not The Day the Earth Stood Still.

The Day The Earth Paced Frantically And Didn’t Have Time For This Shit.

The day Nick Saban was hired. The day the SEC West crashed. The day every head coach in the Southeast had a Tony Soprano-like panic attack. People in Auburn, AL jumping from tall buildings. People in Baton Rouge, LA cursing the day. People in Tuscaloosa, AL having alcoholic parades.

Of course, many of us didn’t feel the effects of Black Wednesday until as recently as a few months ago. But now that those stockpiles of (blue) chips are down, now that you’ve gone through what you had left in the tank, it has begun.

The first step to moving on with your life is to put this day behind you.

Every time you think of January 3, 2007, Gump4Heisman advises bowing your head in remembrance and - above all - staying strong.

Unless you live in Tuscaloosa. In which case Gump4Heisman advises pouring a glass of champagne and having sex with your wife.

Step #2: Beware the rise of national demagogues.

Auburn, AL… listen up.

Everything has crashed. We know you have reached desperate times. Things indeed look bleak. But remember what happened in Germany. (Two words: Adolf. Hitler.)

Look, just because the walls are crumbling, just because the higher-ups ousted your trusted party leader in a military-coup, don’t put your trust into a smooth-talking false prophet. Next thing you know, you might hire a 33-year old with no resume.

Sure, he’ll rally you around a microphone and promise you everything you want to hear. He’ll yell and shout and clinch his fist, and you’ll be with him in every step. (‘Hail Der Kiffin!’)

He’ll point fingers at Uncle Nick and tell you he will take down the red & white armies. You’ll hail his name, rejoice, and hand him the keys to the empire. (‘For king, for country, for Rocky Top!’)

But the Armies of Saban are coming. Their recruitment will know no boundaries. Their star ratings will have no limits. Their arrows will blot out the sun.

And four years later, with the Armies of Saban surrounding your false prophet, he will realize the end is near… and put a bullet in his head before someone he trusts beats him to the punch.

Tip A: Calculating Deflation

With Saban in town, SEC win deflation is to be expected.

Most SEC schools need only deduct one win per season, or - if you like - the total number of times you play Alabama per season. (For one (un)lucky SEC East team, this could mean twice/year.)

Auburn fans should use the following formula to deduct win deflation:

X = Saban

X > you.

If you aren’t math-handy (you did go to Auburn), in order to calculate the effect of Nick Saban on Auburn’s program, simply take this 2-question multiple-choice exam:

MULTIPLE CHOICE - Wh?

NICK SABAN; AUBURN FOOTBALL:

A) iceberg; Titanic

B) atomic bomb; WWII

C) shotgun; Kurt Cobain

D) 2008; the economy

E) Bear Bryant; Auburn football

In the 2008 Iron Bowl, Nick Saban heavily influenced which of the following Auburn scoring drives?

A)

B)

C)

D)

E) All of the above.

Tip B: Calculating Inflation

(This only applies to Tuscaloosa/University of Alabama fans.)

The formula for win inflation is as follows:

1. (sum of Shula * 2 = sum of Saban)

2. (deduct loss total from both columns)

3. (equalize columns)

4. (adjust trophy factor)

ex:

(6-6 (* 2) = 12-0)

6 * 2 = 12

12 = 12

12 = 13

So, you still have a job? Congrats! Here’s how to keep it.

4 TIPS ON HOW TO AVOID GETTING FIRED BY NICK SABAN:

Tip #1: Don’t be named ‘Tommy.’

People named Tommy are fired as a result of Nick Saban at a much higher rate than people not named Tommy.

In fact, according to the SEC main office, referred to in some circles as “Nick Saban’s garage,” people named Tommy are twice as likely to fall victim to the Procession.

If your name is ‘Tommy,’ Gump4Heisman recommends legally changing your name to something more inconspicuous. Like ‘Nick Saban’s Bitch.’

Tip #2: Don’t be fat.

If you are eating something while reading this, stop. Put it down. With every bite, you are more and more likely to fall victim to The Great Procession, just like The Great Pumpkin.

Being fat leads doubles your chances of being fired. And if you think things will be okay because you’re fat AND black, think again. Might want to ask Mr. Croom about that one.

Tip #3: Don’t be skinny.

Eat up, bulimia boy.

Skinny people are 50% more likely to be fired as a result of direct contact with Nick Saban.

From Bowden to Tuberville, rain-thin coke whores are falling by the wayside. So if your figure looks like Keira Knightly in Pirates of the Caribbean, go to McDonald’s twice.

The good news? People with tiny-ass bones are getting jobs because of Nick Saban too. Isn’t that right, Dabo?

Tip #4: Don’t have big ears.

Seriously. This one is important. You must have normal-sized ears to survive the Nickpocalypse.

Without small to medium-sized ears, your chances are slim to none. And Slim just got skullfucked 36-0.

I cannot overemphasize this. If you have oversized ears, think like a transvestite and tuck.

Your new business plan: Don’t try to compete with Nick Saban.

To rational people, the very notion of this needn’t even be said and makes zero sense. Who would say ‘I’m going to try and compete with Nick Saban’? It is like saying ‘I’m going to get a job as an 18-wheeler.’

But some people are insane. They hold crazy, delusional notions like ‘The Earth revolves around Antarctica,’ ‘The Sun is my bff’ or ‘I ain’t scared of Nick Saban.’

Should these people be locked up? Of course. But this is America. Where people like Tom Cruise are allowed to roam free. And jump on couches. And make English-speaking movies about Nazi Germany. And be gay. And marry the entire cast of Dawson’s Creek to distract everyone from the fact that he is a penis magnet.

So if Tom Cruise is acceptably bat-shit, what’s to stop Tom Tuberville from going off his rocker and thinking he can compete with Nick “Danger” Saban?

Nothing. It’s happened at Auburn, Clemson, Tennessee. Even Mississippi State. Many say it’s happening now at LSU.

Trying to compete with Nick Saban can lead to disastrous results. Such as hiring a Division IV spread coordinator to run your Power-I offense, scheduling Alabama in the Georgia Dome or keeping Les Miles.

If your business in any way has a conflict of interest with Nick Saban, be warned. Either change businesses, or suffer the consequences.

Read this VERY carefully:

Do not try to compete with Him. It isn’t worth it. Just kick the soccer ball in your own net and go home.

Your new business plan, Part 2: Relocate your office.

If your office is located within a 200-mile radius of Nick Saban’s office, it’s probably a good idea to shut it down immediately.

‘But how?’ you ask.

Well, have you thought of a good insurance scam?

Whatever you do, don’t go campaigning for another job out of fear.

Les Miles (Michigan) and Tommy Tuberville (Arkansas) already tried that last year, only to be sabotaged by unwanted media attention.

If only they had pulled a Goodfellas-esque insurance fire on their respective athletic facilities and opened up shop in the ACC, well, it would have been a Lufthansa-sized heist.

…

To be the best you have to emulate the best. So the best way to not fall victim to Saban, is to copy Saban.

HOW TO BE LIKE NICK SABAN AT THE OFFICE

Don’t smile at the receptionist.

Don’t smile at anyone.

In fact, it’s probably a good idea to pace frantic frantically at all times, in all places, at all meetings, even while sitting down, stopping at no point to smile at no one.

ALWAYS REMEMBER: You don’t have time for this shit!

On your way into work, walk fast with your head angled towards the ground. Not as if you are ashamed. As if you are scouring the ground for something to dominate.

Don’t take bathroom breaks.

Here’s where you don’t have time for this shit, literally.

Stay at your desk at all times. Do whatever it takes.

If you have to go #1, piss your pants and keep typing. If you have to go #2, take your laptop to the bathroom and pound it out while you’re pounding it out.

Remember, this economy isn’t your father’s economy. Nick Saban is in town. So when nature calls, send it through to voicemail.

‘Are you saying Nick Saban wets his pants’?

Of course I’m not saying that. I’m just like anyone, I want to live to see the New Year.

But you’re not Nick Saban are you? No, you’re not. And if you’re not Nick Saban, you’re behind the 8-ball.

You’ve got time to make up.

No bathroom breaks, no coffee breaks, no smoke breaks. I don’t care if you have to piss in a paper shredder while puffing a Camel light with a portable Starbucks IV in your arm, you stay at that desk.

Dominate your cubicle.

This one is self-explanatory.

Just go out to work, every day, and dominate your cubicle. Aight?

Dominate your lobby.

If someone in the office lobby walks near you, look up and stare that person in the face. Relentlessly. No talking. No smiling.

Dominate your elevator.

When you are on the elevator, no one else gets on the elevator. Period.

Remember, if you are going to survive Nick Saban, you have to think like Nick Saban.

If someone’s going up, you’re going down. If someone’s going down, you’re going up. If the door opens and you’re already on, laptop that person in the neck and hit ‘>|<’.

Treat the elevator as if it were your wife: No one’s getting in it but you. And anyone who tries to go down on it, dies.

Get to work early.

To avoid the rapidly-spreading Procession, it’s a good idea to get into work early. Like, say, 2 A.M.

Leave work late.

It’s also a good idea to leave work late. Like, say, 2 A.M.

How to handle success at work: Get pissed!

Wait until you have the best day, month or year of your career. Then get really pissed off. At everyone.

If you are having a record-setting month at the office, walk into your best salesman’s office and throw his keyboard at his face. When an associate sells $3 million dollars worth of medical equipment, rip him to shreds in the office lobby. If a branch manager has a banner day, visit that branch. And ream him. In the front parking lot.

Was that new advertising campaign a big hit with the client? Great. Now bitch-slap the guy who wrote it. For sending it to the client without the proper ‘.pdf’ file-name extension.

If in doubt, chew the entire office out. Even if you’re an intern.

Why?

It doesn’t matter. Maybe someone left the coffee pot empty. Maybe someone put the big paper clips in with the small paper clips.

Maybe your sales team is up on the other sales team $6,000,000 to zero. And maybe you should choke-slam all of them. For not parking their cars straight.

BEING LIKE NICK SABAN AT THE OFFICE: (What to Avoid)

Avoid gloating around the office.

Keeping "Safe from Saban" hinges on this fact.

When in the office setting, always try and stay professional and classy. (Unless one of the secretaries is just begging for it.)

For instance, if you successfully make 6 consecutive copies on the copy machine, try and refrain from running around the office holding up 6 fingers. The rest of the office will just grow annoyed. So what, you can make copies. We know. It’s not that big a deal. The copier was probably on probation.

Plus, you’re only setting yourself up for failure.

IMAGINE THIS SCENARIO:

You walk up to the copier holding up a presumptive 7 fingers for everyone in officeland to see. You turn and wink at the hot accountant with the shitty copy-centric cubicle location. You grin. You hit the green button. Boom: paper jam.

The copier melts down and beeps like R2-D2, the black-ink container pops a money shot on your face, and the entire office stands up and looks on as the IT freak you always suspected was serial killer busts out of his cubicle, shoots you 36 times with the nail gun he smuggled from the office warehouse, beats you for three hours with oversized CMYK cartridges, calls a timeout to freeze your kicker, and takes a steaming piss on you in front of everyone from accounts receivable.

And then, you’re called into the office – 36 nails protruding from your half-carcus, looking like Hellraiser, black-mark all over your face, pissed on in front of the entire company, sans your manhood, sans your dignity, sans your respect – and fired.

Why? Because of Nick Saban.

DON’T let this happen to you.

Avoid custom-made t-shirts.

If you sell more media than the dim-witted CEO’s son, please… don’t print up t-shirts about it. And certainly don’t wear them to the office.

Because what if they fire the favorite son?

What if they bring in a NYC top-level executive?

Next thing you know, he’s got all your leads, he’s got all your clients, and you won’t be able to sell free copies of Us Weekly to adderall-fueled sorority houses.

What happens now? (Eh, Tommy?) Now your shirt just looks faded and dumb. Kind of like your wife without a suntan.

FIN

"Why Nick Saban Should Never Smile"

2008-11-20T13:20:23-06:00

The other day, I heard a lady say that since Alabama is undefeated and #1 in the country, she wished Nick Saban would smile every now and then.

I remember thinking at the time, ‘Bitch, is you crazy?’

Nick Saban, smile? Who could suggest such a thing?

Nick Saban should never, ever smile.
Ever.
The very thought of Nick Saban smiling is disastrous to humanity.

If you think that sounds crazy, think about the children.

What if a small child saw Nick Saban smile? While he was building a treehouse? And then what if he thought ‘Eh, I’ve done enough.’ And then what if he thought ‘I’m going to sit back and enjoy my treehouse.’ And then what if he tried to climb his unfinished treehouse and broke his leg?

Do you want small children to break their legs? Then don’t ask Nick Saban to smile.

What if a 5-star saw Nick Saban smile? He would probably turn into a 4-star. And then he would be content with that, until he turned into a 3-star. And then he would be content with that, until he turned into an Auburn commit.

If Nick Saban started smiling all the time, what’s to stop the Earth’s crops from slacking off and getting content? Huh? So the next time you’re eating your food and watching Sportscenter and you think, ‘That Nick Saban’s a jerk,’ you shut your mouth and be grateful for that potato.

Did you ever think maybe that’s what happened to Eddie Murphy? You know, he made Raw and Delirious and Beverly Hills Cop and Trading Places. And then he made Coming to America. And then Nick Saban probably went to see it. And during the movie, Nick Saban probably let up and smiled.

Poof: Pluto Nash.

We all know the state of Louisiana owes a lot to Nick Saban. But what if they owe him even more than we think? What if, instead of “finishing” the continent, our forefathers had seen Nick Saban smile and let up?

Bye bye, Louisiana Purchase. I guess 13 states is “good enough.”

Why should Nick Saban never smile?
Because I like having 50 stars on the American flag, thank you very much.

If Nick Saban went around smiling, imagine the effect it would have on our animal species.
What if cheetahs stopped buying into the process?
What would they do then, jog?

What if they got fat and happy and stopped hunting altogether?

Then what if ostriches got overpopulated and took over the planet? And then what if they got really pissed when they found out about ostrich jerky? And then what if they enslaved humans and learned how to talk and ride horses and capture Charlton Heston?

Do you want to see ostriches to take over the Earth?

Do you want to see your entire family enslaved by a bird that runs like a complete fag?

Do you want to see a Hollywood remake of the whole thing starring Marky Mark?

God no. This is why Nick Saban must never smile.

What if Michael Jordan had seen Nick Saban smile? And then just said, ‘You know what Scottie? One championship is enough. You up for 18 holes?’

If Michael Jordan hadn’t “finished,” Charles Barkley would probably have three rings. Then he would really never shut up.

Then instead of running for governor, he would probably run for president. Then he probably would win. Then President-elect Barkley would probably gamble away the US Treasury on a halftime line.

Do you want President-elect Barkley to bet the Statue of Liberty on a Little League World Series game?
Do you want Canada to win the Grand Canyon in a game of craps?
Do you want to lose Hawaii to France over a game of dice?

Do you want the U.S. to lose everything?

Do you want to see the Round Mound of Impound?

Then don’t ask Nick Saban to smile.

Nick Saban should never smile because look at the state of the economy.

Nick Saban should never smile because look at the state of the Indiana Jones franchise.

Nick Saban should never smile because look at the state of Oprah Winfrey’s ass.

Nick Saban should never smile because… penguins.

I don’t want penguins getting any ideas. Especially after what happened with ostriches.

Nick Saban should never, ever, ever, ever smile.

Think about this: What if Nick Saban smiled in the mirror?

And then what if Nick Saban saw Nick Saban smile? And then maybe Nick Saban himself would stop buying into the process.

What would happen then?

Aight, life as we know it could completely break down.

What would happen if the Sun started looking ahead to next week?

If the Earth’s gravitational pull started playing down to the competition?

If the planet’s ecosystem started standing around and looking at the scoreboard?

If H₂0 quit being responsible for it’s own self-determination?

What would happen then?
Before you’d know it, there’d be no sunlight, there’d be no plants, there’d be no water, and the Earth’s entire population would slowly float off in space to suffocate and die.

So the next time you think about Nick Saban smiling, think again.

Think about the consequences.

Gump4Heisman's Retro Alabama Football Ad Campaign

2008-11-15T09:47:00-06:00

Is it 1973? 1965? I'm confused. 'BAMA is #1. They're beating everyone. And in a lot of cases, it isn't even close. Sure, Gene Stallings put the Tide back on top in the '90's, but we haven't seen anything on this scale in... 30 years.

Inspired by the #1 Alabama Crimson Tide, the greatest television show since The Sopranos and my day job, Gump4Heisman.com has gone retro... advertising style.

Yep, when I'm not doing stand-up or not updating the site for three weeks, "the Gump" is coming up with ad ideas. Just like Don Draper. (Only with a lot less smoke, scotch and sex.)

So, why not combine the day job with the side gig?

That's exactly what I did... and the result is a retro Alabama advertising gallery three weeks in the making.

Enjoy.

-------

PART I: Early-60's Ad Extravaganza
(CLICK IMAGES TO ENLARGE)

1) In honor of the man. Nick Draper.

2) Let the good times Roll.

3) Memo to little brother.

4) Memo to fat-ass (former) neighbor.

5) Memo to CBS.

6) Memo to 'Bama fans.

Part II: 1970's (Well, this pic says it all):

(WARNING: This may be the most ridiculous picture you've ever seen.)

7) Time to step into...

8) New 'BAMA automotive sponsorship. (Step aside Ford Alabama Saturdays)

9) These aren't Crimson-colored glasses. These are 1970's-colored glasses.

10) Memo to national media.

11) Memo to Tommy Tuberville.

12) Auburn Football: Offense III: A New Hope.

13) BONUS: Funkadelic Alabama Christmas Album.

And finally...

14) BONUS: Retro 'BAMA movie poster. Nick Saban is Super-Fly.

FIN.

"Canned I Am" - A Poem from Phil Fulmer

2008-11-04T12:02:40-06:00

Canned I am,

To my own ill.

Did you hear?

They canned Fat Phil.

I am canned.
Yes I am.

I am crying on the cam.

I am canned,

Canned I am.

I do not like it.

I love ham.

Do you like them without pause,

Do you like the UT Vols?

I do not like them,

Canned I am.

I do not like them,

Man-for-man.

I was canned by trustee troll.

I was canned by popular poll.

I was canned right from my goal.

I was canned right from my role.

I was canned from the job I stole.

Did you steal it,

Canned-I-am?

Did you steal it,

From within the fam?

I stole it just as I planned.

I stole it for two hundred grand.

I stole it before the UT band.

I stole it before the UT stands.

I stole it right from Johnny’s hands.

I stole it because I had the balls.

I stole it to coach the UT Vols.

Will you coach them in a bowl?

Will you coach them up the poll?

I will not coach them in a bowl,

I will not coach them up the poll.

I will not coach them in the rain.

I will not coach them in a game.

I will not coach them to a loss.

I will not coach them as the boss.

I will not coach them run the ball.

I will not coach them, not at all.

I would not, could not, win a game

I would not, could not, take the blame

I would not, could not, if I tried.

I would not, could not, so I cried.

I could not, could not, save my hide.

I could not, could not, stop the Tide.

I am not happy.
I am full of regret.
I am not hungry.
Is it Thanksgiving yet?

Did you rat them,

Canned-I-am?

Did you rat them to the man?

I tried to rat them to my pop,

I tried to rat them to a cop.

I tried to rat them so they’d flop.

I tried to rat them so they’d drop.

I tried to rat to make them stop.

They tried to out-cheat Rocky Top!

Who will give my boys their aid?

Who will make sure they are paid?

Will you help them,

Canned-I-am?

Will you help them, to a man?

I will not cheat them to a sale.

I will not cheat them out of jail.

I will not cheat them to not ‘Fail.’

I will not cheat them to make bail.

I will not buy them an Escalade.

I will not buy them to get paid.

I will not buy them a good grade.

How much for the marmalade?

Can you coach them,

Canned-I-am?

Can you coach them,

Ever again?

I cannot coach them,

Canned I am.

I cannot coach them,

Worth a damn.

I cannot coach them like a hick.

I cannot coach them like in a flick.

I cannot coach them vs. Richt.
I cannot coach them at Red Stick.

I cannot coach them vs. Nick.

I cannot coach them worth a lick.

I cannot rat when teams out-cheat.

I cannot bring myself to eat.

I cannot leave this KFC.

I cannot drink enough gravy.

I will drink it when I foam.

I will drink it when in Rome.

I will drink it in a Dome.

I will drink it in a halfway-home.

Canned I am, I can’t believe.

Stung I am, by bright-orange bees.

Canned I am, right to my knees.

Two more orders of cheese-biscuits please.

"Deep Thoughts," The Nick Saban Edition

2008-10-17T11:43:28-05:00

Have you heard that horror story? About the guy who is really good in college but then leaves college for the pros but then doesn’t like the pros so he goes back to college when he gets the job at Alabama? You probably haven’t. It’s not really a horror story unless you’re an Auburn fan. Man, I love that fairy tale.

I think one thing that probably happened is that one day, Nick Saban went on a hike. And on that hike, I think he coached-up an anthill. I bet he really got those ants believing in themselves. I bet he coached those ants right out of that hill. Then I bet he stepped on them.

I have a scientific theory that whenever Nick Saban is out-recruited, he morphs into a giant green monster and smashes things. People call me an idiot when I tell them, but I don’t care. Besides, like we’ll ever find out.

If Nick Saban were a turtle, wow. Most intense turtle ever.

One time my uncle, who is a big LSU fan, said he loved Nick Saban. Then, not long after, he said he hated Nick Saban, and he threw all his Nick Saban pictures away. Hmm, I wonder if Nick Saban fucked my uncle’s wife.

Nick Saban once made an NFL football player cry. But the real question still stands: Could Nick Saban make a T-Rex cry? I think ‘yes.’

One thing I’ve noticed is that whenever Nick Saban is at a podium by himself, he never says ‘I.’ He answers every question with ‘we.’ At first I was like ‘Is Nick Saban French?’ Then I was like ‘Yea right. Nick Saban, a ‘yes’ man?’

According to my cousin, exactly 72 hours prior to National Signing Day, Nick Saban lights ups and flashes like Super Mario on Star Power. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling my cousin a liar? Because if you are, good call. My cousin is so full of shit.

If Nick Saban were a color, it would probably be ‘Grrr.’

I’ll never forget the time LSU and Nick Saban beat Kentucky on a last-minute hail mary. They called it the ‘Bluegrass Miracle.’ But what they probably should have called it was ‘Boy LSU must’ve really sucked a fat ass that year because they needed a hail mary to beat Kentucky.’ That’s what I would’ve called it. Then again, I call raisins “fuckface grapes,” so I’m probably just an asshole.

Last year, my kids asked me if I could raise their allowances. I told them, the day someone can take me back to the 1970’s, I’ll quadruple it. Thanks a lot, Nick Saban.

My roommate is a big Auburn guy. When Alabama hired Nick Saban, I kept joking that he better be afraid. I even said that the only thing that could stop Nick Saban would be wearing garlic cloves around your neck. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have said all that. No, really. My apartment smells like shit.

One thing I think, is that dinosaurs probably aren't extinct at all. I bet what really happened is, they all got recruited to other planets by Nick Saban.

I bet Nick Saban really does have laser eyes. But I bet they’re not as sinister as everyone thinks they are. I bet they’re more of like, a convenience thing. Like when Nick Saban’s wife is using the kitchen but Nick Saban wants to microwave a pop tart, he probably remembers, “oh hey, laser eyes.”

Once, I heard an opposing fan call Nick Saban ‘overpaid.’ I was sitting in the Alabama section, but none of us said anything back. We just looked at each other, smiled, and nodded. We were all thinking the same thing: “I bet Nick Saban buys that guy’s company and fires him.”

No one really knows what happened in Auburn, Ala. the day Nick Saban was hired. But I bet it was a lot like the movie Dawn of the Dead. I bet people just started biting each other for no reason. Then they were all like “Fuck it. Let’s go to the mall.”