Is it just the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex or does the drama run high across the country when the wind picks up?

I was watching the 5 o’clock news a few months back – the woman reporting was placing huge emphasis on the manifesting snow flurries that were now visible on the railing she was leaning against. “If you look closely….and I mean closely…you can see that the snow is coming down in big “chunks.” Wow. Chunks. Rarely does Texas get snow, but snow chunks?? The camera pans left then zooms right in on one isolated flake sitting on the guard rail. In the realm of snow flakes, I suppose it was sizable, but it was hardly worth the apocalyptic attention channel 5 was offering.

In Texas, if you take away “HOT AS HELL” – there isn’t a whole lot of interesting weather to report. I’ve watched news reporters with squinted eyes, shouting into their microphone, “The winds are really picking up out here! People have been calling in from all over the metroplex – many folks have had newspapers blown away and hundreds of others have lost quite a bit of landscaping mulch to these windy conditions!” Meanwhile, the camera operator tries to focus in on some leaves that have floated gingerly to the ground but realizing that doesn’t truly demonstrate the ominous power of wind; turns his attention to a styrofoam cup skipping violently across a parking lot. Better seek shelter. I’m just saying.

Of course, as I write this, the forecast for tomorrow is snow. Not just snow, but snow that will “accumulate.” At first we will admire the snow for its beauty – but eventually the snow will melt and become ice. “Good evening, I’m Becky Bradly – right now traffic appears to be moving smoothly, but as the temperatures drop… this seemingly benign puddle of water COULD become an icy cancerous tumor on the roadways that could send unaware drivers careening out of control and straight into an early grave. Back to you Kevin.”

Exhibit A: The setting…an ass clinching cold day at Kohl’s Department Store.

Me: Hey Ang! Look at this sweater – what do you think?
Ang: Oh ughh…what is with that ropey pattern and the zipper front – looks like something an old lady would wear.
Me: Really?? I kinda like it actua-
Ang: Do they have my size?? I wear a small….try to find a small…Oh look! They have it in black too! I’m going to get it in black and this un-old lady oatmeal color! You check that rack over there and I’ll keep looking over here. Hurry! I think that woman on the Rascal just put one in her basket.

What ensued there after, was an uncomfortable display of desperation. With a renewed confidence, she went after each clearance rack one by one with calculated precision. It was a little like watching how a foundling serial killer chooses his next victim – and looks to his mentor for approval. Before long, she had in her hands the “chosen few” that she felt were worthy enough to be added to her collection. I, on the other hand, stood stunned clutching my ONE item, feeling a little dazed and confused by what just happened.

Me: Why is it you now have in your hands three of the shirts I wanted to buy?
Ang: Well you can still get them – I don’t mind.
Me: No…I can’t. We cannot walk around looking like 4 year old twins, That’s just ridiculous.
Ang: It’ll be fine – we just won’t wear them on the same day. What’s that shirt your holding – are you going to get that??

So if I had to guess – I would say that about 40% of the clothes on my side of the closet have a smaller size doppelganger on Ang’s side of the closet. I should just take it as a compliment really – I mean what’s the big deal. As long as she doesn’t cut her hair and start erasing my phone messages, what’s the harm?

If you spend any time flipping channels like I do, you begin to see the trend I’m talking about. I believe it started with, “Little People, Big World” – and yes, at first I found the show to be no less than adorable. Watching gnome-like people raise a family, go to work, live, love, laugh and try to reach things that are pushed too far back on the counter tops – frankly – it was heartwarming.

What was once intriguing, has now become an obsession. Now there’s “The Little Couple” and “The Little Chocolatiers,” what other professions and life circumstances do we need to see? We get it already….they’re little, and they can do all the things big people can do except touch their nose with out leaning in a little – but that’s okay! We are NOT here to judge.

I have to admit – my interest in the life and times of the little people has waned some. I have recently discovered, “Hoarders” – I can’t tear myself away from the TV when that show is on. I actually have to pause several times just so I can look over at my partner in shock and horror. It’s unbelievable to me that someone thinks it’s completely acceptable to soil themselves in an adult diaper rather than have a plumber come out to fix the toilet……..think about that for a minute. There is so much trash and crap in your house that even if you found a plumber, willing to risk getting a rare skin eating virus to come out to your house – once there – would he be able to find the bathroom?? It’s uncanny.

I had the realization the other day that I am at grave risk of becoming completely disensitized to the plight of the human condition. Very little shocks me anymore. I have seen people with root vegetables growing out of their sofa, I’ve seen the skeletal remains of animals found underneath a pile of People Magazines and socks. I even saw a woman who had a hole chewed in her wall by billy goats and didn’t even know it until one of them was found in her living room, eating his way through her collection of dryer sheets and lint.

I imagine that before long – when we’ve seen enough of – “The Little Litigants, The Little Barista, or The Little Decorator” – our fascination with dwarves might diminish. The fail safe to keep this from happening? Hoarders who collect little people. Let your imagine run free!

I now work for a hospital – in their cardiovascular center. They, too, have a gym and one indoor pool. But the Latin vibe has been more appropriately replaced by easy listening and early 80’s ballads. My flat screens, airing the latest episodes of CSI, The Office and day time soap operas, are now filled with the likes of Glenn Beck and a variety of commentators at Fox News. My gym now has a “post WWII, I survived the depression and will die wearing my Vote For Rush campaign button on my fedora”…kind of vibe.

In a 70+ geriatric environment, the energy wanes somewhat -in fact, there isn’t too much energy really as most of our members move slow and with careful purpose. The rules and regulations for keeping things safe change drastically too in a place where people tend to have balance issues. Perusing the cardio area with a metal detector should be added to our list of classes as many members are forever leaving things behind- like hearing aids, reading glasses, pill boxes and partials. Our lost & found looks like an old person disintegrated and all that was left was an upper plate, a pacemaker and some tums.

At the CVC, our most popular piece of “equipment” would have to be the indoor track – no buttons to push or moving parts to be wary of, just 1/16th of a mile of grey shock absorbent faux asphalt. The rules of the track dictate, that on odd days people must walk in clockwise direction while on even days they walk in a counter clockwise direction. I’ve seen more fist fights among old men just because they forgot it was Tuesday. The dementia folks, however, don’t really walk – they tend to more or less wander….away somewhere.

Once in a while, on a vary rare occasion, like when there’s a full moon or Vampire Diaries has been preempted by a speech from the President, will we get a stray young person. Their brightly colored clothing and quick, bird-like movements catch the eye of the “others” – who cast sideways glares through slitted eyes as the new comer nimbly hops on a treadmill. I see the rolling of their eyes and the disgust on their faces as they presume that this individual’s sole objective for being there is to flaunt their agility and good hips.

To our elderly patrons credit…I commend them for showing up and doing what they can. And from my own personal observations – many of them could out run and out last a few of my 30 something year old friends who have never been to a gym and get winded putting on a coat.