Ang and I went to JCPenny recently as we were wanting to purchase some new curtains for our guest room. It’s a rather large window so we had to “special order” the curtains which took about 2 weeks. You can imagine the excitement and anticipation we felt when we received the long awaited call that our drapery “was in.” Of course, Ang and I were a little disappointed that there wouldn’t be anymore sock puppet shows to put on for the neighbors out walking in the evening, but the privacy and modesty of Ang’s mother took presidence.

The problem started once we had the curtains up for about a day. Apparently, insulated lining and hot sun do not mix – but who would have thought that curtains of all things, would be toxic? I was not a happy customer and so I did what any dissatisfied consumer would do and I gave them….A BAD REVIEW.

Dear JCPenny:

I recently purchased curtains from the Cindy Crawford Home Embalming Collection. They’re a lovely green color – I believe the official name of the color is “oil green” and now I know why. After a couple of days I began noticing a pungent odor coming from my guest room. Once entering the room I was instantly assaulted by a strong petroleum & egg-like smell that actually blinded me for a few seconds. Blurry-eyed and a little dizzy, I decided that I would try washing them to see if that helped – but the volatile nerve gas was still present. I really liked the curtains and wanted to find a way to make it work, so I went out and purchased a HazMat mask – that seemed to help a little. I was having company in a few days so I wanted to “test” the room out first. Ironically, I fell asleep almost instantly, but when I woke up there was an unnatural amount of drool on my pillow and the left side of my face was completely numb. After speaking to a neurologist, the damage will more than likely be short-term but I was advised to wait awhile before trying to conceive. I decided to go ahead and return the curtains before I lost another fingernail.

I give these curtains 1 star.

It was around 9:30 a.m. this morning – Ang and I just finished our grocery shopping and were headed towards the car when a slightly plump guy of unknown sexual orientation rolled up beside us in his Kia Rio.

Guy: Excuse me, (directed to Ang), but I noticed you in the store and I have to say, I think you’re gorgeous – if your not seeing anyone, would it be okay if I get your phone number?”

Ang: Thanks but…

Me: Well, she’s seeing me actually – but I too appreciate the compliment.

It was obvious from the look on the guy’s face that he really hadn’t considered that we might be a couple (simple mistake, no big deal) So, he just said “Oh, Okay” and drove off. Ang was enjoying her moment. “He said I was gorgeous.” Although, we were both a little confused because the guy clearly seemed gay to us. Not gay in the – wears lingerie on the weekend and has a wallet photo of Joan Crawford – but he was about one syllable away from a serious lisp and was very ‘wavy’ with his hands when he spoke.

So we’re loading our groceries in the car when Rico Suave drives up again and stops.

Guy: Hey again…um…you really are beautiful and you, (referring to me), are not far behind. (not far behind…really…why is this man still single!) Anyway, it would make a guy really happy – would you two consider swinging??

He had his hands under his chin like he was waiting to blow out his birthday candles and I’m thinking to myself, “I might consider swinging a bat at your pudgy little Ted Bundy head.”

Me: Yeah…about that…you just went from complimentary to creepy in a few short moments. Quite frankly I had you pegged as a closeted gay man – they tend to be drawn to lesbians like erratic June bugs are drawn to a pool light. So, if you don’t mind I would appreciate it if you would just move along now.”

I wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed or just mad, but COME ON – how did he think that would play out?? Me and Ang would look at each other batting our eyes with ridiculous donkey grins on our faces – “Well, if you’ll give us a few minutes to run home and put away our dairy items, we’ll meet you back here by the guy grilling sausages in front of the patio furniture!”

I woke up the other morning to find the Sun actually sitting on my lawn. It had this condescending little smirk on its face too, like, “What are you going to do about it, huh…” Yeah well, In my head I was thinking – “I’ll show you Mr. Smarty Pants, I’m going to take my brand new dome tent and camp out at the wide gaping mouth of an active volcano…that would be FAR more refreshing. I might even take a jacket!

Lately, I’ve been wearing sun screen 24 hours a day. It’s just easier that way – I feel like over time I will eventually build up enough layers to form a hardened second skin. Either that, or my body will naturally produce Octinoxate on its own.

It’s your face that you really have to worry about – I’ve watched far too many friends of mine spending their 40’s looking like a rawhide treat.

I’ve decided that the safest and most cost effective plan, is to just buy a full-face welding mask. It’s a little heavy and your face will feel like it’s in a microwave but at least you won’t look like that lady from “Throw Mama From the Train.”

I was out shopping last weekend and instead of parking in the safety of a parking garage, was instead forced to park out in the “open.” Not a big deal, I’m used to keeping an oven mitt in my purse so that I can open my car door – but I forgot to take my sunglasses with me. Without thinking, I grabbed them from the console and stuck them on my face. I screamed loudly as my tear ducts were instantly cauterized.

Fortunately, we had enough rain in July to bring the temps down to less than the surface of the sun – It’s just a little bit more humid now. I’ve been in Texas long enough that I think I am finally adapting to the extreme summer heat. In fact, the last time I volunteered for clean up at the annual fire-walking conference, I accidentally wandered across some stray coals and I could barely feel the flesh peel from the bottom of my feet.

I guess you just acclimate to those sorts of things.

It isn’t just the elderly that suffer from memory loss – friends, loved ones, and myself included are a brain cell away from a rousing discussion about the sinking of the Titanic as if it happened yesterday.

Just a few days ago, my partner Ang, looked me straight in the eye and gave me the most convincing and passionate speech of her lifetime – except I had just told her the same thing only a few days prior. She re-tells my own jokes to me saying, ” So and so at work told me the funniest thing yesterday!” Aaaah, yeah… that was me.

Not that I need “props” or anything, but it is a little disturbing to see her doey-eyed face telling me my own jokes as if they were carved from some untouched region of her brain. I imagine her later years, in a nursing home, filled with enormous adventure and wonder as she discovers a half-empty box of paper clips and claims them as her own creation. Later….she will barge through the doors of the dining hall, her muppet arms flailing wildly as she maniacally spouts the details of her discovery. The other residents, taken by surprise, will drop their jello cups in unison and stare, mouths open, in confused wonder.

On that day, paper clips will become a hot commodity among the barely living.

Everyone has a pet peeve or two – you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. Lately, I have tried to spend less time on my “peeves” and more time being deeply thankful that I’m of sound enough mind to have peeves in the first place, and to be able to bitch about them openly, from time to time.

This is one of those times.

When in God’s name are they gonna plug up that f****ing hole!??

All the accusations about not following regulations, about being cheap and cutting corners, is a bunch of blah, blah, blah bullshit. I don’t really care who “started it,” I just want it fixed before the Great Barrier Reef is upstaged by “The Gulf of Mutated Wonders.” Besides, I imagine when it’s all said and done BP will be retiring from the oil business and spending the rest of their days in a purgatory of unending community service, sponge bathing pelicans and dolphins with Dawn liquid.

I’m sure you’ve seen the same videos that I have – the ones showing people using human hair, chicken feathers, and hay to absorb bowls of oil – and yet BP chooses to spray some sort of “questionable” chemical into the Gulf which only serves to break the oil up into smaller pools. Big freaking deal.

Waaa-laahh! We now have several smaller masses of ecosystem destroying oil floating around instead of just ONE! Pretty cool, huh? Yeah…no…not so much. All that’s been accomplished is that droves of volunteers are going home sick and the marine life is now being suffocated AND poisoned. Brilliant.

And whose bright idea was it to call James Cameron?? Really?? That’s the best they could come up with? “Well, we tried the mile long pipe thingy, and the superglue didn’t work. “I guess that’s it guys, we’re at our wits end- better call an Oscar winning Hollywood director in here, STAT!” Look BP, it’s like this – we’re sorry about the whole Tea Party thing, but you Brits can be a little uptight and unbending – still, it’s no reason to go f***ing up the Gulf of Mexico. Quit being idiots and get the damn hole plugged up already and try to remember that Mr. Cameron is a “movie director”….it’s make believe.