Guy in the Closet

A New Chapter

2017-08-13T17:12:00.001+08:00

Rotiboy is no longer here anymore, but a homosexualist is born at Musings of a Homosexualist (link updated. Change from Tumblr to WordPress due to discovery of several limitations of Tumblr).

The End

2014-10-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

Rotiboy is no longer in the closet, therefore he left this blog.

医自己

2014-07-04T19:37:00.001+08:00

电视连续剧都是荼毒人心的坏玩意儿。

现实人生里是没有《李大仁》、《程又青》的。

生病了要自己看医生、自己吃药。世上没有会把药饭送到你床前的王子

只有自己是自己的王子。

久旱甘霖

2014-04-12T01:47:00.000+08:00

也许是太久没有性生活了，今天终于按耐不住心里的饥渴，放纵了自己去满足自己的兽欲。跟我一起放纵的对象其实也算有文章，但是关于他的身份，还是留到改天再写吧。

对象各方面虽然说不上是完美，但是都相当优。个性和身体都是我欣赏的类型，整个过程又非常符合我的个人口味。这个男人仿佛是沙漠中的绿洲、久旱后的甘霖，止了我的渴、滋润了我被欲望吸食得干竭的身躯，甚至让我觉得是我从前以来最让我享受的肌肤之亲，带我到了我从没到过的禁地。

这场大战，像是鸦片一般，让我念念不忘、欲罢不能。我不是一个经常饥渴得到处求人入境的人，但经过这一次，我真的很想再让他重复入境。

于是我留言告诉他，说我很享受跟他亲密的时候，希望还有下一次。他也回复说会有下一次。但是我却由不得自己又胡思乱想，到底他是不是在跟我客套，到底我有没有也满足到他的欲望。

觉得自己好贱，但是却又没有不能办法不渴望他再次入境。

可能不会有人爱我

2014-01-17T21:07:00.001+08:00

我对台湾偶像剧相当反感，总觉得剧情超现实、演绎夸张、制作简陋。但是基于朋友大力推荐，我决定把这部已经不流行的台湾偶像剧用心看一遍。

《我可能不会爱你》。

Falling Back

2013-09-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

I'm missing A again.

失落与空虚

2013-09-08T18:23:00.000+08:00

感情上的挫败，在所难免。而挫败后的失落感，不单是难免，更是难耐的。套林宥嘉《说谎》的歌词里其中一句：“我又不脆弱，何况那算什么伤，反正爱情不就都这样”，难道我没更痛彻心扉过吗？

What Really Heals A Broken Heart

2013-06-24T02:03:00.000+08:00

Apparently the best healing potion for me is meeting someone new.

Call Your Name

2013-06-03T02:20:00.000+08:00

I set my phone to automatically records the conversation when I call or pick up a call. After each call, I would delete the recording if I think the call was not important.

很爱过 Deeply in Love Before

2013-06-01T16:12:00.000+08:00

So many people appear in everyone's life
Some of them come and go
Some of them stop by a little longer
Some of them left and then come back again.

每个人的生命里，会出现很多人
有的来了就走
有的多逗留了一会儿
有的走了又回来。

车子

2013-05-07T02:25:00.002+08:00

我遇上了交通意外，人没事，但车子大概要住院一两个月。

突然觉得好脆弱。

想起了我跟他峰回路转的爱情。他总是怪E君把我抢走，然后又怪我当时刚买的车，让我有机会跟E君见面，然后发展关系。他甚至说他曾经有想砸烂我车子的念头。

Accidental Missing

2013-03-25T01:59:00.001+08:00

It was all fine.

Until I accidentally recalled it was his birthday.

A Playlist to Make You Cry

2013-03-17T20:24:00.001+08:00

Crying is really a good way to vent out, especially when you're picking up the pieces from a breakup.

How to Pick Up the Pieces from a Breakup

2013-03-12T07:50:00.001+08:00

From my recent episodes, I'm picking up the pieces to move on. While I'm on it, I'm writing down how I'm doing it, just in case they are helpful for anyone in the future.

The End of Episode 3

2013-03-04T01:29:00.001+08:00

As much as I'm reluctant to, I have to admit this is the end of my third relationship.

Being Attached and Then Detached

2013-03-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened while I was away from this blog. I got into a dramatic relationship.

A and I were chatting well and all. It was all fine when we had dinner on our first meeting. It was only until the end of the date that we turned sour. After that, we'd never contacted each other for months.

Tests

2012-09-03T06:12:00.000+08:00

A relationship is like a series of tests; for some of the tests, if you ever fail them once, you'll never have a chance to retake them again; and for some of them, failing them would mean the end of the relationship.
Choose your subject wisely so you don't fail the tests.

rotiboy's Back

2012-08-20T12:32:00.000+08:00

After deserting my blog for some time in order to help myself getting over him, I think I'm finally not clinging over the past any more. So here I am, back to write again.

This could be a delusion of mine, I don't know how but somehow I've come to the conclusion that a relationship that I appreciate, when it's written out before it gets stable, won't end up well. It could be because by writing it out here, I would start to put some kind of expectation and things always tend to go extra bumpy for me when there's too much expectation.

All of this delusion of mine reminds me of the wuwei theory of Taoism. I have not been able to understand how this concept works. So finally there's something I can put into practice in my real life that relates to this concept.

So how am I now? This song pretty much summarises it all.

Tending the Wound

2012-06-30T12:21:00.000+08:00

Sorry for not replying to the comments that you guys have posted, but I really have no idea what to write.

Being thrown away without knowing the reason is troubling for someone who values reasoning like me. I said I don't care, but that's only because I have no choice. If I had one, I would want to know the reason.

We've only dated for three weeks, and have not even gotten into a relationship. I know it sounds silly to say I'm hurt, but I really am. I still miss him. The only way I can keep myself from thinking about him is to keep myself occupied, with either work or dates. When I don't work, I go dating with (or rather just meeting) some other guys.

I still hold on to my principle of not having sex, so I'm just meeting the guys for coffee or dinner. So far no one clicks for me. No one makes me want to go out for the second time with him.

Every time I open up my blog, the only thing I can think of to blog about is things related to him. This makes me feel so much like what has happened to me in the past—was hurt and wrote weepy posts that no one bothers to read.

So I've decided that I won't blog again until I've fully gotten over him. Hopefully this can break the routine of opening up Blogger and starting to think about him.

Maybe I should stop blogging until this wound of mine doesn't hurt anymore.
— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) June 29, 2012

Just let the time do its magic.

Loves Me Not

2012-06-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

Loves Me Not
(feat. Meiko)

You say you do but you don't,
And just like a carousel, round and round you go,
My patience runs out the door,
When you tell me all the ways you love me,
But still ain't never been to my show.
Oh, oh oh...

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

You keep me out on a wire,
Somewhere between the "you" and "you and I",
My legs are getting so tired,
From hanging on your every word,
Making up excuses why
You can't make up your mind.

Whenever he is lonely,
Or after watching a girly movie
Or he just needs a hand to hold
He loves me...
Whenever it's convenient,
Told myself each time he means it,
I happily play the fool.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
And then turn around and screen my calls?

Foot on the gas, car keeps stalling.
A passionate kiss, eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

Somebody I Used to Know

2012-06-23T14:20:00.000+08:00

He decided to stop dating me. He said he's having a tough time. He doesn't want to tell me or anyone and wants to be alone.

I was worried on what happened to him, and decided to show my concern. I texted him twice a day, in the morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, just to let him know I was still there for him.

Apparently that's already too much for him. He begs me to give him some space.

Maybe I'm pushing him too far. Maybe two messages a day is still too much for him. Maybe he isn't into relationship with me at all. Whatever it is, I don't want to guess and care anymore.

Surprisingly, that one sentence is enough for me to decide to move on.

学不会

2012-06-18T22:07:00.000+08:00

怎样爱才对呢？

我有前男友，但却不觉得自己真正谈过恋爱。对恋爱有认知、有微薄的经验，却还是不懂得拿捏。

我跟我唯一的前男友，开始得太快，在还没有真正认识对方前就开始了。结果交往后才发现双方思想、处事各方面都有很大的差距。甜蜜期只持续了几个星期，之后就一直为小事吵得不可开交。在交往快满两个月的时候，我提出了分手，因为我觉得我们两个人有太多的不同、太多的差距，拖下去只会继续互相伤害。

经过那次，我明白了交往前不管多甜蜜、多欣赏对方、多投入，都要对对方有相当的了解，才可以交往。再来，就是交往的时候不要许下山盟海誓、不要做白头到老的诺言、不要说想怎样跟对方度过以后的日子，因为万一感情吹了，它们只会造成更多的伤痛。

以为懂了这些，下一次恋爱就会美好。感情来了，才发现原来自己根本什么都还不懂。

我以为小心拿捏、多花时间了解他，就可以有稳定的基础。我努力压抑自己的冲动，不让自己全身投向他，让自己慢慢了解他，并适量对他表达爱慕和思念。

开始他也回应对我的爱慕，甚至要我多给他传简讯。之后他开始问我是不是觉得没安全感。我不解他为什么这么问，不过现在终于明白了。原来我平时每天都会告诉他我的行踪好几次，譬如吃三餐的时候，或是到达公司的时候。他大概是以为我以“礼尚往来”的方式，想知道他的行踪。其实，告诉他我的行踪，不是希望他也告诉我他的行踪，而是想念他了，却不想一味地说我想念他。是的，我日常作息、大小事都会不自觉地想起他，我想我是真的喜欢上他了。

那天我去了一个不适合我的场合，因为无法融入场合里，我一直不由自主地想起他，不管他回不回复，一个晚上传了四次简讯给他。怎知道他迟来的回复，竟然是说，根据他的经验，我一直挂念他是不好的，还说什么如果我们是注定一起的，就一定会一起。虽然我自己也认为他说得对，但是当下从他的简讯里读到这样的内容，心里很不是滋味。虽然我们目前还不到男朋友关系，但却是在交往的。对我而言，交往中的人互相思念是很正常的。更何况我不是同一时候跟多人交往来筛选男友的人，挂念得多应该也是正常的。想到这里，在加上酒精作祟，就决定为自己申冤，回复他告诉他我一向同一时间只跟一个人交往。怎知他会错意，以为我说他在跟我交往的同时，跟其他人交往，急忙跟我解释跟他吃饭的只是朋友。

没多久我清醒过来，才发现自己说了严重的话，急忙跟他解释。然后回想发生的这一切，得出得结论是我的简讯让他感到一些压力，决定隔天减少传简讯给他。

隔天，就真的除了早餐时传了一封简讯，一整天都没有再联络他。而他也除了早餐时回复的那封简讯，一整天都没联络我。

一直沉溺在自己的梦幻里，我才赫然发现，原来一直以来都是我主动传简讯给他，他鲜少主动传简讯给我。今天我快一整天没联络他，也不见他主动联络。开始想，我好像是一厢情愿。对他而言，我大概是可有可无的。

我以为有了上次的经验，这次会比较好，看来我还是学不会。

Updates from KL

2012-06-07T22:03:00.000+08:00

As mentioned previously, I was on the move to KL and now here I am, back in this city of opportunities and disappointments, hope and dispair, love and hate of mine.

I get a 'proper' job by the convention of the society (and my relatives)—work from 9 to 6 in an office, in a smart attire. I was looking up and down for a roof where I can land myself in this city. It wasn't easy, but I'm really grateful to the two kind souls who allow me to barge in their home for a month. Count myself lucky, one of them works really near to my office. So by staying with them, two main problems of mine, shelter and transportation are solved at once. And I get a breakfast and dinner mate and don't have to worry about where to eat, too.

But of course, I still have to look for my own place. The crib hunt is still going on. And again, I'm lucky to have several guys who are planning to move together and be my future housemates. So we can get a whole house unit and save a little on the rentals.

Work-wise, I wake up at 6 am every weekday morning, hit the bed at 10 or 11 pm almost every night. I don't have a lot of free time to do things other than my work. I don't get to watch TV shows, or play a quick game or two, or write for and maintain my blog, or ponder, or even read the news and articles I used to read on daily basis. But everything feels much more orderly than it used to be. Although there seems to be a lot of things that I'm missing out, I feel just right, as I know I'm going back to becoming the disciplined person I used to be. Hopefully this momentum is going to last long.

Being an active stalker on Grindr, some guys here approach to chat with me. I've had good chats with them and the feeling of being appreciated is building my confidence significantly from how it was. And most importantly, there's a guy who really, really 'clicks' for me. We met each other over a supper and it felt so right for both of us, so we started dating. The feeling comes a little too fast, but with my past experience, I think I know how to steer the progress slow and steady.

I think good times are really ahead!

Starting Anew

2012-05-29T01:53:00.000+08:00

In another few days, I'm going to relocate myself to KL again. I'm quite excited for the move. The first thing is of course I can start anew—new place, new housemates, new company, new colleagues, new friends.

I haven't told any of my existing friends on my move (except those that I have no choice but to let them know). Partially because I want to experiment and simulate living in a completely new place, without any friends and family.

Another part of it is that I'm planning to live openly as a gay guy—not having to hide my sexuality. IMO, letting newly known people know that I'm gay should be easier than coming out to existing friends. That's because we have established relationships with existing friends, so we are more afraid of losing existing friends than of losing someone we just get to know. That's why I've decided that for me, I should come out to my new friends first.

I haven't planned exactly how I'm going to come out to my new friends, and I probably won't plan anything in an actionable manner. To me, too much planning on certain matters sometimes will eventually cause more disappointment. Usually when we plan on something, we are putting expectations on how it should work. The more we plan, the higher we expect, and the higher we expect, the more we feel disappointed when things don't go according to our plans. So to avoid the disappointments and whatnots, I'm not going to plan anything specific. Planning to come out to new friends before existing friends is probably the most specific I can plan already.

Of course I don't think I can hide my whereabouts from my existing friends for long. The area where I'm going to live and work at is just around the area where I used to live. I may bump into my existing friends anytime. When the time comes, that's probably the time I need to start preparing to come out to (or even to be found out as gay by) my existing friends already. That can be in a few months, or a few years. For that I will let my fate to decide.

Sounds like a challenging plan, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. But I guess it's about time I do something about my closeted self, because I might not be able to get a better opportunity to do something about it in the future.

Otaku

2012-05-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

The word 'otaku' is from Japanese language which means a homebody who often with an obsession about something (usually anime, manga, games or other indoor hobbies). The original meaning of otaku means 'home' or 'you', written as お宅 in Japanese. But later, the meaning extended to its current modern slang form and written in hiragana おたく or katagana オタク to be distinguished from the original meaning.

In Japanese language, the word often carries negative meaning, but when used in a specific context, it can be an equivalent to 'geek', most of time it means an anime or manga fan, not necessarily with social ineptness.

In Chinese language, the word 宅, which is a valid Chinese character, is taken directly to mean the otaku-ness, or as an adjective of being an otaku (despite its original meaning in Chinese language which also means home). A male otaku in Chinese is called a 宅男, whereas the female equivalent is 腐女 (lit. rotten female).

Despite its loan nature from Japanese language, the word 宅男, when being used in Chinese language, is generally understood as a homebody, without the specific obsession part in the more often usage of otaku.

This song with the title '宅' by Leo Ku uses a very smart play of the word. The theme of the song is about a lonely guy who became a homebody due to being single (implying that he ended a relationship). The lyricist uses the word 宅 to replace all occurrences of 在 in this song for their similar pronunciation, and verbalises the word 宅, effectively emphasises the theme and the title of the song. Creative. I haven't seen this kind of wordplay in other songs.

That being said, I really like this song for its creative value, and also the relevance of its lyrics to me.