Step 1: Contract an Illness

Contract food poisoning or some other illness that requires medical attention. For simplicity, I chose the tuna sub from Subway. I ate very fresh.

Step 2: Prepare for the Trip

Once you’re sure you need medical attention, make yourself presentable. I donned my flannel pajamas, slippers, and a sweatshirt. My illness of choice ensured I had no energy for hygiene or showering. Such presentation is key.

Step 3: Escalate It!

Simply getting the illness isn’t enough - you need to quickly escalate it to emergency levels if you want to meet young hotties. Try dehydration, shock, or in my case, hyperventilation to the point of muscle failure.

Step 4: Sell It!

Your condition needs to be authentic. My extended hyperventilation afforded me the use of a wheelchair for a grand entrance to the ER. In addition, my hands, deprived of  oxygen, froze in claw-like fashion. This stiffness, combined with a loss of blood in my face, gave me the appearance of a lobster experiencing a stroke. Being nearly unable to speak due to a paralyzed face is a small price to pay for being a badass-lobster-stroke-victim.

Step 5: Make Small Talk

When you meet the medical professional of your dreams, start casual. While he or she is trying to get oxygen into your deprived body, joke about how you learned your expert breathing techniques doing hot room yoga. If she has to massage your limbs back to life, wonder aloud if you are going to miss your daily workout.

Step 6: React Big

If the event isn’t going as planned, react big. Panic, shock, and/or desperate tears of pain can all be big winners in regaining her attention. Don’t overdo it, however. Constant, desperate attention-seeking behavior is frowned upon.

Step 7: Get the Number!

If all goes well, your hottie has been swayed by your preparation, charm, and witty emergency-room banter. Casually remark that you might need a follow-up consultation later. Could you have her number? If she tries to give you the hospital number, tell her you prefer a more personal medical experience. She’ll get the hint.

And Finally…

Hopefully your experience goes well and you find the nurse or doctor of your dreams. I, unfortunately, neglected to bring my contacts. Being nearly blind without corrective lenses, the blurry object of my affection was unable to determine who I was making eye contact with. Unable to find her again, I fear I may have broken her heart.

If you are out there and read this, blurry nurse with the blue scrubs featuring a pink seam, I have regained the use of my claws. Please see the results of my blood work for my number and call soon!

#1: Guy Seeks Affair from Imaginary Girlfriend

My imaginary girlfriend can’t know about this. She just isn’t fulfilling my needs, but I can’t break up with her. The weight of our mutual disinterest is a heavy burden indeed.

I need to have some fun and get away from it all. So if you are willing, interested, and attractive, I’m looking for companionship outside my relationship. Send a picture and a reply and we’ll go out.

#2: Free Bobbleheads to the First Three Girls Who Respond

In these rough economic times businesses must seek new and clever marketing techniques to attract customers. Those of us single must also seek creative marketing ploys. That is why, for a limited time only, the first three replies to my ad get a genuine limited-edition Ken bobblehead, complete with certificate of authenticity.

Email me a reply and a picture, and let’s go on a date so you can get that bobblehead!

#3: The 2-for-1 Coupon

I have a coupon for 2-for-1 ice cream at Coldstone. I need companionship to make use of this deal. Don’t get too excited, it expires soon. In case you don’t believe me, I’ve scanned it in as proof. In addition, I have a $25 gift certificate.

If you’ve ever waited for the stars to align for a first date where the guy simultaneously uses a coupon and a gift certificate, send a picture and a reason I should pick you.

I was seeing an otherwise wholesome girl when she informs me that she’s contracted an infection in her special area. Being new to the city, I figure it is time to start the search for a local doctor. I find a well-recommended family practitioner just a few miles from my apartment and make an appointment.

Fun with Science!

The office reception area looks new. I sign in using a fancy wireless touchpad and flirt with the cute receptionists while I’m waiting for the doctor. Nothing about the experience so far suggests anything out of the ordinary… until the nurse calls me back and I see how tiny the office is. The entire practice consists of the waiting room, the area behind the counter, and a walk-in closet on the side that doubles as the examination room.

I sit on one of those beds with the disposable paper and wait. As I’m watching the various people move about the office it dawns on me that “family practice” is literal in this particular instance. The father is the doctor, his wife is the nurse, and his two collegiate daughters are the receptionists and assistants.

Normally this wouldn’t be a concern, but throughout the entire examination no one feels the need to shut the examination room door. Oh well, I’m not bashful.

Doc: So what are we here today for?

Ken: A girl I was seeing says she thinks she has an infection. I thought I’d look into it, see what my situation is.

Doc: How long have you been with this girl?

Ken: Probably about a week.

Doc: And how often have you had intercourse?’

Ken: Eight times in two days?

I guarantee that mother and daughters heard every word of the examination.  I even made eye-contact a few times while I’m delivering the details of my personal life. It might have been awkward for him, knowing that earlier I was fraternizing with his daughters, but it certainly didn’t bother me. And I don’t know what he would have to worry about anyway; the results came back negative. Unless the man doubts the accuracy of his own work, he knows I’m clean.

Maybe when I go back for my yearly physical I’ll ask the cuter girl out. Dinner with the parents can’t be any more awkward than knowing they have access to your blood-test results.

In light of the complexities, here are some common gifts, what you are telling her when you get them, and when to buy.

1. Kitchen Appliances

What you are telling her about the relationship: The intensity and passion are both on permanent sabbatical.

When to buy: When her need for a crushed-ice dispenser on a set of stainless steel French fridge doors outweighs her need for validation in the relationship.

2. Diamonds

What you are telling her about the relationship: You weren’t creative enough to select a gift that wasn’t life-threatening for the man smuggling it out in his ass cheeks.

When to buy: Is she a socialist hippie? Never. Otherwise, buy diamonds whenever you’ve really fucked up and need to buy back some relationship karma.

3. Roses

What you are telling her about the relationship: I’m thinking about you and flowers are all I could find from the drugstore at 9:43pm on your birthday.

When to buy: Order a couple dozen of these when she’s having a shitty week at work. The smugness she gets from being more loved that her coworkers will buy you some mid-week ass.

4. Electronics

What you are telling her about the relationship: Your friends tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. It really is all about me.

When to buy: Before the big game.  Try to score points  by arguing that Oprah’s head will now be in 96 inches of full, 10,000:1 contrasted-ratio glory.

5. Exercise Equipment

What you are telling her about the relationship: You’ve let yourself go. I’m starting to fantasize about other women when we make love.

When to buy: Buy it during that hour-long infomercial special - you’ll never get it at that price again. Luckily it folds up for quick storage so it fits perfectly in the U-Haul you are using to move all your shit during the separation.

6. Sex Toys

What you are telling her about the relationship: Sexual intercourse is the only activity with you that I value.

When to buy it: Bold move there, Quagmire. Did you get laid on the first date? She’ll probably accept this as an invitation to the next level. Otherwise, wait a few years.

7. Clothing

What you are telling her about the relationship: I cannot determine what size you are. In fact, I significantly under- or over-estimate your size and weight routinely.

When to buy: When you are feeling particularly confident in your metrosexuality.

8. Stuffed Animals

What you are telling her about the relationship: My understanding of relationships and intimacy has not progressed past junior high.

When to buy: After one large popcorn, two cotton-candies, and 14 successive losses at ring-toss.

The Lady of the Dark

While some might hasten to label these women as “goth”, “emo”, or “vampiric”, the divisions and categories are countless. Luckily for attractors of the darkness you have just as many choices as the male counterpart. In fact, as a worshiper of Satan you may have the greatest freedom of all. Emulate any one of the choices to capture a dark void for your bed.

Greetings,

First of all let me say that I am not trying to get into your pants. My name is Mark and I work for a local entertainment company that is currently working on a “skaterboy” project. Your pic looks like you may be what we’re looking for. If you are interested in making some extra cash and possibly a side career in the entertainment industry, please email me and I’ll give you my contact info. If you are even a little interested then it’s worth a conversation so you can get some info to help you make a decision.

Mark

All right Mark, let’s hear what you have to say - what is your proposal?

Ken,

I work as a talent recruiter for several film companies. They use me to bring in fresh new faces that are unrefined. One of the companies I work with is aggressively trying to fill availability on a recently launched website. That is what I would like to talk with you about. If you think you might be interested then please contact me so we can talk in a little more detail. My contact info follows.

Mark

Mark wouldn’t disclose any details via email so I ended up calling him to get the scoop. There must have been quite an industry for the types of models Mark was looking for because a few months later I would receive an email from a guy named Joe looking to fill similar positions. Joe discloses more details:

Hi,

I saw your posting on Craigslist and I know this is not what you posted for, but I thought I would run it by you. Are you interested in doing adult videos for my company, <removed>? This offer is only if the pic represented in the posting is you. I make solos, str8t, bi and guy/guy videos and soon tranny videos. I am also looking for guys who might be interested in letting a hot girl do him with her strap-on. You would get to do her too. You only do what you are comfortable doing and everything is safe. I’m based in San Francisco and I pay $200.00 for solos including approx. 1 ½ hrs of your time with you jacking off for about 20 mins. I pay $400.00 for action videos and it is approx. 2 hrs of your time with about 30-40 mins of actual sex. You only work with the actors and actresses you want. You work that day and you are paid that day in cash. Also, during filming I am the only person there, no large crew.

Please email me back and let me know if you are interested or not. If you are interested, you can also call me at <removed> and I will be happy to answer any questions you might have and we can try to setup an interview to get you going. If you cannot reach me through Craigslist you can email me at <removed>. In addition, if you have any other pictures or a MySpace account I would love to see them.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Joe

<removed> Productions / <removed> Entertainment
* You must be at least 18 yrs of age and have valid proof of age to do adult videos*

The lesson here, kids, is that if you want to get into porn, you have to start low on the totem. Working with a hot girl and her strap-on really is the first stepping stone to an exciting and fulfilling career in the entertainment industry. Just think of it as starting in the mail room and working your way up.

Dear Internet Porn,

These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration… I don’t feel like we are the same anymore. We just don’t have that passion we used to.

When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn’t listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your soft-core erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.

As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend’s face, tie her up, choke her, wrap her in a rubberized suit.

But that’s when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren’t real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants it on her face! Girls into bondage are rare, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.

I know it isn’t all bad. You’ve taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my web browser. I know positions that aren’t even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I’ve been late for social appointments more than once and I find myself wanting to jerk-off at six in the morning. That’s what you’ve done to me.

Even now, as we close on the day of Christ’s birth, I sit hunched over my computer, member in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn’t see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I’ve told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an uncleared history there.

There’s no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with soft-core. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come.

So I have one request. I know I can’t get rid of you… you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won’t leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can’t do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame.

- Your shamed lover

Let me paint the scene leading up to “the incident”.

We are in our living room and it is 3:20pm on a Saturday. We’re watching TV. The roomie gets up to use the bathroom when the following conversation occurs:

Her: “Kenneth! There is porn playing on your computer!”
Me: “Really? How embarrassing.”

You might imagine this was an awkward moment for the apartment, but really we just had a good laugh about it. I suppose the best part might be that I was in the living room watching TV. Why use a screensaver? Just leave some porn looping. While I appreciate her assertions that my secret was safe with her, moments in life like this are too precious not to share. Therefore I present you with a list: The Top Five Ways It Could Have Been Worse.

5. I could have been at the desk

I was watching TV at the time of the “incident”, which in theory, leaves me with some level of plausible deniability. Maybe the porn isn’t mine. Perhaps my computer has a virus that randomly plays porn when I’m not around. Or I gave my friend remote access to my machine and he was playing a practical joke. But just between you and me, it was mine, and it could have been worse. I could have been at my desk… pantsless.

4. It could have been my mother

If I had to pick a person to let into the inner sanctum of my porn preferences and collection, why not select the roomie? It could have been someone else. It could have been like that time when I was fifteen and my mother found that medical journal with anatomically correct diagrams under my bed. Very little in my life will match that Catholic shame.

3. The leading lady could have been my girlfriend

Fine, fine. I don’t have a girlfriend - hence the whole Guy Needs Girl thing. However, it is fun to think about future social events at the apartment. My girlfriend, knowing that my room mate knows, my room mate, knowing that my girlfriend knows that she knows; the level of infinite recursive awkwardness knows no bounds.

2. It could have been animals

My room mate and I don’t really like pets. We’re just not fans. They make messes, shed, make noise and you have to care for the little assholes. Not to mention the extra charges on the rental agreement. You can see why, then, it could have been worse. Take a possibly embarrassing moment and add puppies, dolphins, or goats and I think eye contact with the room mate is forever disallowed from that point forward.

1. She could have been giving a tour

I’m not sure why, but it is fairly universal that when people visit your apartment for the first time you feel compelled to show them the linen closet and the laundry nook. The Perfect Storm of Awkwardness could have made an appearance during the tour my roomie gave to her grandparents. There, looping on my massive 24-inch graphic designer’s LCD panel, is a girl getting a solid pounding from behind. Nothing says “such a nice apartment” like ambient porn.

Rule #1: Set your expectations to the lowest possible level

Why: Blind dates have the potential to be the pinnacle of a bad date. Is he a handsome day trader with a purebred, a penthouse suite, and an Aston Martin? Let me translate: he gambled away his 401k, his ex-wife took everything except their dog, he’s the super in an upper room for an apartment complex his uncle owns and he is building a 1/14th scale model of the famous V8 beauty with Legos in his spare time. Trust me, she doesn’t work for a Venture Capitalist firm. She’s funding her friend’s eBay jewelry business with money borrowed from her parents. Whatever preconceptions you have, your date will mangle them.

Rule #2: Choose an activity that is simple and short

Only agree to activities that naturally have a short time frame. Meeting for coffee or frozen yogurt are perfect. Have selections in mind so that you seem prepared and aren’t stuck at the mercy of his or her suggestions.

Why: When you’ve been through an entire three-course meal and movie with the third most boring person on the planet, you understand the sweet, sweet relief of finishing a cup of coffee and getting the hell out. Once I even agreed to a picnic for a blind date. At the time it seemed like a great idea, but in practice a blind date in the park with packed food was and is a terrible idea.

Rule #3: Don’t change anything drastic about your routine

Don’t get a new haircut. Don’t buy new clothing for the date. Don’t wear that new cologne.

Why: First, you want to keep your expectations low. Super low. Don’t make the date a big deal. More importantly, there’s always a chance you’ll fuck up whatever you change. That new hair color will dye your hair orange. Perhaps you don’t notice the tag you left on the new blouse. For my part, none of my friends had a chance to tell me that my new cologne smelled like ass; I had to find out the hard way. Then there was the time I tried a straight-razor instead of an electric. Nothing has killed a girl’s expectations quite like facial bleeding.

Rule #4: Meet on location

Don’t offer him or her a ride, and don’t accept any offer. Plan other activities so you have an excuse to take a separate vehicle if you must.

Why: Few periods of time in our lives will be more awkward than shuttling someone home after a terrible date. You should try it once so you have a baseline to measure future moments in life.

Rule #5: Keep friends informed and schedule a phone call

Make sure your friends know the name of the person you are meeting, where, and when. Give them an expected time frame and have them call you at the midpoint.

Why: Beside obvious safety reasons, the call can give you an early out if needed. The safety call is so common that most of the girls I date will receive a call at some point during the date. This call can also be a way to gauge your own blind date performance: if your dates are frequently taking their safety calls, it might be time for some reflection.

Rule #6: If it was bad, end with a “Thank you” and then follow up with a “have a good night”

Memorize this line: “Thank you for the date - have a good night!” When the end of a terrible date comes, put it out there with confidence and finality.

Why: Occasionally mistakes happen, like how I’ve accidentally told a terrible date that I would “see them later”. Or the time when I slipped and told a girl “I’d call her” while the warning lights were blazing in the back of my mind. Save yourself the hassle of screening calls later and use the line above.

Rule #7: Frame everything as a story

Why: If you date regularly, you are going to have abysmal dates. It will happen. Did the guy bring his children with him? Did she talk about how her ex-boyfriend is an asshole for getting a restraining order against her? Were there EMTs involved? Great. Tell people about it. Laugh. Otherwise you’ll find yourself at home next Friday crying in your Haagen Dazs and playing the sequel to God of War on your Xbox.

Rule #8: If the date was good, feel free to break the rules next time

If the date was great, you don’t need these rules. Keep them just in case for the first few dates if you need, but otherwise… Mark it excitedly on your calendar with a countdown, buy a new outfit, have her pick you up, drive to an undisclosed location with your phone off and end the date the next morning by not telling your roommate why you are stumbling into the apartment 15 minutes before work looking like a survivor of Man vs. Wild.