How to Speak Without Anxiety

2007-08-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Communication and Lack Thereof

In the past few days I have overheard people discussing their problems. 98% of their problems come from poor communication, or miscommunication.

I still recommend a book that was originally written for parenting, but is one of the finest and easiest to use communication resources I have ever found. It is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Happy talking and listening!

2007-08-17T06:34:00.000-07:00

People must first buy YOU and then buy your ideas. Most of us don't value what a person says if we don't first value the person.

Tell people who are, and why you are qualified to speak on your topic.

I am studying Storytelling and will give you ideas about how to better tell your story.

In the meantime, make eye contact, speak loud enough and slowly and help others catch your ideas.

Best to you,
Reesa
866/ 0K SPEAK 866/ 657-7325
www.ConfidentSpeaking.com
info@ConfidentSpeaking.com

2007-08-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

Setting the Tone

I volunteered for my friend Miriam who was the coordinator for the last Harry Potter book party at a major book seller chain.

When the cashiers finally were allowed to open up, there was a collective, “Whooop!!” among the hundreds of people in line. Many had come to the store in the afternoon to get their number of place in line.

A fellow screamed frantically into the microphone stating which numbers were next to be admitted into the store. He was a tired, burnt out employee. “NUMBERS 150 to 200!#!@!*!” He did that with the next several groups until I found Miriam.

I suggested that she let him know that he sets the tone by using that frantic, out of control, crazed tone. The people in line were already excited and tired – was he adding to the fun of the evening or setting things off in a negative direction? Although he felt the same, the next messages were delivered with strength and warmth.

ANY time you speak, you are an actor delivering your message in the best way possible for others to receive it; it doesn’t matter what is going on with you. If it is appropriate to tell what is going on with you - just deliver your message in a way that can be most easily received.

2007-07-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

This new study of the mind's workings is amazing and may help you -

“People tidy up more thoroughly when there is a faint smell of cleaning liquid in the air; they become more competitive if there is a briefcase in sight and more cooperative when they glimpsed works like "
‘dependable’ and ‘support’ - all without being aware of the change or what prompted it.”

I am always conscious of the environment during coaching and seminars - waaaaay more than I am at home. Materials on
tables are set out evenly; I clean up used cups (Avoiding their minds wandering to, ‘I sure would like another cup’) and food items and scraps of paper during breaks. I want nothing to be distracting or setting a tone other than the one I want, which is Clear-Clean- Open environment.

When you speak, arrive early and clear up the used breakfast/lunch stuff, other people’s charts and white boards, etc. I want them listening to YOU!

2006-12-26T17:51:00.000-08:00

Happy Holiday Season!

When you conquer anxiety in one area of your life, it makes it easier to overcome it in public speaking.

Years ago I examined the Beliefs I had about holidays. I had moved from my hometown to San Francisco and flew home for holidays. Someone asked, "Do you have to? Do you want to?" I answered, "No" to both and didn't fly back there for two years. I am not suggesting you do the same; just look at the beliefs that worked and did not work for you during this holiday season.

Anxiety lives between the ears.

Be well. Stay in touch,
Reesa
woolf@ConfidentSpeaking.com

2006-12-21T13:19:00.000-08:00

It is the holiday season-I am getting emails from people who have made toasts at weddings and family reunions. They get great feedback from others because they are actually controlling their anxiety and appearing confident!

This information works; I wish it would come in pill form, but it does work with regular application (take one skill and call me in the morning).

Be peaceful and well.
Reesa

2006-10-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

• “I want to live in a world of no frustration and no inconvenience.”
• “I hate change. I want to live in a dull repetitive world.”
• I lost my place in my notes; I am a total loser.
• I messed up that speech. I will never have a good career.
• I made mistakes. They will never trust me again.
• I did poorly. I am a loser. I will never be good at this.
• This is the end of the world.

Get rid of those thoughts, and you will become more successful.

2006-10-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Watch out for these thoughts! These are the ones that will sabotage you.

* “Things shouldn’t be this way. This is not how I want it.”
* “I should be the person I want myself to be.”
* “Others should behave the way I think is right.”
* “I shouldn’t have to speak up!”
* “They see I’m uncomfortable. They should stop asking me.”
* “There needs to be an easier way for me to meet new people.”

2006-10-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

Change Your Thinking and Change Your Life

• Replacement Thinking means becoming aware of the irrational thoughts that race through your brain both when anticipating and delivering any speech, large or small.
• You can’t always choose what life throws at you, but you can choose the way you look at those things.
• You are trusted enough to deliver this information.
• Others respect your opinion.
• Since all humans make mistakes, you will make mistakes when you speak. The goal of perfection is a ridiculous goal.
• They will usually forgive you when you make a mistake or say something that is less than brilliant when you fix it immediately.
• Keep your same demeanor when you make a mistake-everyone gets uncomfortable when you look very upset and apologize over and over.

2006-09-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

Worry:

Worrying has never helped you accomplish you goals. It drains your energy. Preparation and right thinking helps you accomplish your goals and gives you energy.

When you catch yourself worrying about what might go wrong, force yourself to think of what might go right.

If what you are worrying about cannot be changed, make yourself accept it and stop thinking about it. Change your thought from:
- “That won’t change.”
to
- “I can still live my life even though that stays the same.”

If what you are worrying about can be changed, what are the steps to adjust it? Take the first step, in spite of any reservations.

Your subconscious mind helps to generate the world to match your thinking. Some people call it self-fulfilling prophecies. Make yourself see things as you’d like them to be.

Some people trust that there is an all-knowing power active in their lives, a higher power than themselves. They ask for help from this higher power and trust that things will work out for the best, even if not exactly matching how they’d hoped the results would be.

Start replacing negative and useless thoughts with positive and constructive thoughts.

Stop several times a day and notice what you are thinking. Ask yourself,
“Is this thought or belief helping me?”
If the answer is no, you have to change it. Force yourself to think the opposite.

You can also pretend a friend has your negative thought, and you talk that person out of it.

"You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind. "
Darwin P. Kingsley

2006-08-11T12:23:00.001-07:00

Myths

1. Everyone is busy watching me be nervous.
- No. Most people are thinking of themselves, thinking how your information will help them personally, thinking about the need to look at emails, thinking about lunch, etc.

2. They are mostly thinking of what others think of them and what they will say next to sound smart!
- They are Number One in their thinking.

Use this to your advantage to capture their interest and attention by starting off with how your information will help them.

3. They see themselves in you and remember when they were nervous.
- Really, they don’t care as long as they receive the information.

2006-08-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

2006-08-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Situations
• With boss or one intimidating person – Read books on difficult people to get scripts and lines to use. Rehearse them with a friend who acts out that undesirable behavior as you rehearse to get used to responding.
• In weekly meetings – ask trusted participants for suggestions and have them coach you. Trust their perception of you more than your own perception of you.
• In larger, special meetings – Get there early and rehearse to the empty hall. Go to similar locations and rehearse imagining the real venue.
• Presenting to large groups – Speak to one or two people at a time and explain your ideas. Speaking naturally is preferred to giving a formal speech. Move your attention to others in different parts of the room.
• Have notes as insurance for when you lose your place. You are prepared, and just need a reminder.
• I’m interrupted – you have notes to find where you left off. You can ask someone to wait until you have finished. Rehearse this with a friend.
• Practice makes better (perfect is not a realistic speaking goal).

2006-08-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

Preparation Checklist

• Anticipate the worst situations and decide what you will do when they happen.
• Anticipate questions and practice aloud the answers you may give.
• Anticipate difficult people, even asking friends to pretend to be them, and try various ways of dealing with them during rehearsal.
• Rehearse. The biggest mistake people make is to say the speech aloud the first time to the important people. Make your first, rough rehearsal, by yourself!
• Use your final set of brief notes to rehearse.
• Write down every bad thing that could happen. You will probably get good ideas when you wake in the middle of the night worrying. Put them in a list. Next to each one, say what you will do if that happens. You will be much less fearful
• Plan for the worst, hope for the best

2006-08-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

Other ways to remain anxiety free:

• If others ask you to speak up, speak louder than you think you should. It may feel to you as if you are yelling; if colleagues tell you that your volume is good, trust their judgment, not your own.
• State your most important numbers and phrases even louder than your new business-loud volume to make them noticeable.
• Standing: Anxious people rock back and forth or pace. Stand in one place. Occasionally move a few steps but then stand in one place.
• Anxious people fidget with their hands; they touch their faces, scratch, put hands in and out of pockets or lock their hands and don’t move them at all. To appear at ease, use you hands to speak as you’ve observed yourself when you are casually speaking to a friend. You will look relaxed and natural.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. Throw off the lines and sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the winds in your sails. "
~ American Writer, Mark Twain

2006-07-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

Make yourself appear anxiety-free!

You can appear relaxed and confident even when you really don’t feel at ease at all.

Just imitate yourself on a confident day. Here is how to do it:

• Anxious people look at one person or one side of the room. Speak to one or two people for a sentence or two and move on to another two for the next sentence or idea. Appear anxiety-free by practicing this technique at every meeting you attend.
• Articulate all sounds in all words, especially completing the consonants at ends of words.
• People who are scared speak fast to be done quickly. Listeners can’t absorb their information and judge the speaker as nervous. Slow down in spite of your fears.
• Use American business-loud volume. Americans speak more loudly than other cultures. When people have a difficult time hearing you, they will stop listening. They have enough to do and don’t want to spend energy to try to hear you.

2006-07-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

What Doesn’t Help in the real world?

Beta Blockers do work, but you won’t have access to them when your boss says, “Why don’t you say a few words about that?!” It is better to practice these anxiety reduction techniques.

What else doesn’t work? Overeating, drinking, drugs, shopping, over sleeping, too much TV, too much Internet, too many movies, sex and gambling. Soothe yourself with preparation, not sedating yourself.

“It's better to look back and say ‘at least I tried,’ than look back and say ‘if only.’"

2006-06-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

Tricks others have used:

Winston Churchill would envision the listeners in their underwear.
See yourself as very tall and big and the listeners as small, little people.
Step out of character – Act as though you were the best speaker that they’ve ever seen.
Write your notes in pencil so that others can’t see what you’ve written.
Write or print out your notes in a large font so you can push them farther in front of you on the table and not have to look so far down to consult them.

2006-06-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

Beware of your thinking as you rehearse.

The frequent errors of thinking are:

Demanding that things be just the way you want them to be
Saying that things are AWFUL and TERRIBLE
A low tolerance for frustrating things
Thinking that a mistake invalidates you has a person

Keep the thinking to other parts of your life, overthinking public speaking is a fatal mistake.

2006-06-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Rehearsal

Have you ever given the same information to several groups in several talks? Weren’t you better the third and fourth time than the first? That is why rehearsal is a good idea!

Rehearse OUT LOUD. Stand up in your living room or lock yourself in an office or the conference room and start practicing. Speaking aloud is very different from re-reading or whispering. Get used to yourself by rehearsing in virtual reality.

Rehearse to the wall, in the empty conference room or to your dog, but rehearse.
Use your final set of notes in your rehearsal.
The famous speaker Martin Luther King rehearsed parts of his “I have a dream” speech for months before he finally gave it in front of the Lincoln Monument in Washington DC.
Winston Churchill was anxious about speaking and rehearsed a great deal.
Even though you hate to do it and it feels silly, rehearse!
Do not stop and start over when you make mistakes. Instead, rehearse how you will fix it as you go on.
Try to get someone to critique the writing and how you present it.

2006-06-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

How can I just look quickly at my notes and still remember what to say?

Practice small parts of your speech when you have a few minutes between regular work. It is hard to find time to rehearse the whole speech.
This will get you used to your notes and make you see where you might want to add a word or pause.
Small parts of your speech will be more easily remembered when you have isolated them.
“Never let your fears become the boundaries of your life.”

2006-06-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

Losing your place or forgetting what to say

It takes three to 10 seconds to find your place and listeners are willing to wait since this has happened to them, too. Stop, look over your outline in silence and then go on.

You can say,
“Just a moment, let me find my place.”

You can repeat what you just said to get your mind back on track.

You can smile and say, “Just a moment.” and check your notes.

Slow down.
“Haste makes waste.”

No one has your notes and knows what you had intended to say.

If you want to make yourself crazy while you are actually speaking, allow your mind to punch you around when you’ve lost your place or forgotten what you had intended to say.
“Oh no, I’ve lost my place, they think I’m incapable, this is terrible”
is not helpful. This thinking causes your heart to beat rapidly, you stomach to turn and your mind to be less creative to think on your feet.

2006-06-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

Use Speaker’s Notes:

Even if you will never actually use them when you speak, have one or two sentence bulleted/outlined as insurance.
They give you peace of mind.
Professional speakers use notes when they speak. They don’t want to leave anything out and want to deliver the information as planned.
Notes that are written as whole sentences or in paragraph form are worse than useless! It is impossible to find your place and guarantees that you will get lost.
Should you memorize? You will look and sound surer of yourself when you just explain your ideas to others. Memorization carries with it much anxiety of forgetting! Often, people sound as if they are reading their information when they speak from memorization.
The recommendation is that your notes cue you to your idea and remind you of certain numbers or phrases.
Will you say things exactly the same way each time? No! As long as you have explained your ideas and not left anything out, you have done the job. Trying to say things exactly the same way is a source of anxiety.
Power Point – print out visuals three-to-a-page or six-to-a-page. Write your outline on those pages. As listeners are reading a new screen, look at your notes and smoothly take a full breath.

2006-05-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

Be prepared for typical workplace occurrences.
Why be surprised by circumstances that are typical and repetitive in the workplace? Act them out ahead of time with colleagues and friends and prepare for how you will handle situations that you see as performances.

For example:

Seeing your boss in the elevator or passing your boss in the hall and wanting to say a few words
Stating your and opinions ideas in a meeting
Contradicting someone at a group
Telephoning an intimidating person
Making a first contact telephone callJob interview with one person
Job interview with multiple interviewers

The Book of Lists by David Wallechinsky ranks the biggest fears Americans have...

Number One is public speaking. Number Six is fear of dying.
People would apparently rather be the corpse than deliver the eulogy!

2006-05-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Isn’t it Easier to just Avoid Speaking?

The more you avoid what is scary, the scarier you allow it to become. Start small and speak up more frequently at a regular meeting. Make it a goal to speak early and only once in an important meeting. Practice makes it easier. Like other frightening things you’ve done, it will become familiar.

Expect to always have normal jitters and normal fears before speaking. These don’t go away. Enjoy the freedom of not allowing your fears to become the boundaries of your life.

If you keep saying to yourself and others,
“I don’t speak well. I’m really bad. I hate to do it”
you will keep yourself fearful.

Just because you haven’t felt you were successful in the past, or can remember difficult situations, you still can be successful in the future. To Avoid speaking will increase your stress.

Every time you speak in public it will be a little less demanding! So keep practicing.