In order for you to truly see your partner beyond the fairytale pages we often write in the beginning of our relationships, we need to ask the right questions. These questions are important, and often difficult, and are the building blocks that form the foundation of a strong marriage.

But many couples don’t ask these questions because they’re shy, or because they think these questions are trivial, or because of the desire to sustain the passion, romance and mystery.

Let’s be honest. Whatever issues you don’t deal with before marriage, you deal with while you’re married. And after some time, the inhibitions you had in the early stages of your relationship can result in disappointment, or even resentment, later on in your marriage.

Two factors that have the power to strain our relationships are personality conflicts and day-to-day incompatibility, and can be avoided by asking honest questions now. The questions that can offer you the most value will fall under expectations, roles, finances, children, and family.

Experts explain that many divorcees almost always say these three words, “I didn’t know.” They didn’t know that their partner had this belief, or acted in that way, or had this expectation. The current divorce rate in our Muslim community is over 32%. Thats ridiculous!

So ask. It may seem unromantic or be a little uncomfortable, or cause an awkward moment, but it won’t be as unromantic or uncomfortable as a divorce. If someone is truly serious about marrying you, they will answer the questions that are difficult. These are also great conversation pieces that can really help you see the real side of them.

Here are a few questions to help get you started. We have hundreds more on Half Our Deen that our members can choose from to add to their profile. 

Conflict is inevitable, so how you two resolve your problems will be a big indicator on the success of your marriage. Does your partner shut down when they’re stressed? Do they throw plates when they’re angry? Being honest about how they react and how you react is critical in knowing if the two of you will be able to work as a team to resolve conflict.

What is the role of a husband/wife?

The roles of men/women have changed drastically in the last several years. How will that affect your role as husband and wife? Will the both of you be providers? Or just one of you? Who will do the cleaning? What are the tasks of each one if/when you have children?

How is your relationship with your parents?

Are you close with your family or do you prefer to see them once a year? How involved are they in your life and in your decisions? Will they be staying with us in their old age? How often would you visit your inlaws? Can they stay with us in their old age?

Which common habit really bothers you?

These common day-to-day tendencies may seem trivial, but they have the potential to eat away at you over time. If you were raised to pick up after yourself, you may not have the long-term patience to pick-up your partner’s dishes or dirty socks day after day. What can you actually tolerate and what can’t you tolerate? Are you OCD about cleaning?  Knowing each other’s annoyances early on can help you to develop a system that works for the both of you.

What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?

Must they conform to your vision and practice of religion? Are you more liberal or conservative? Does culture supersede religion? If you plan to have children, do you agree on the role religion will play in your children’s lives? 

What is your financial responsibility in a marriage?

Various studies show that fighting about money is a leading cause of relationship stress. What are each of your financial roles? Do you both work, or only one of you? Do you contribute 50/50 or is it dependent on each of your salaries? Do you share a bank account? Who pays the bills? What are your spending habits? 

How important are your friends after marriage?

Do you have an active social life? Do you have close\best friends of the opposite gender? If so, will you continue to be close\best friends after marriage? Do you like to have company over? Are you ok with having just a guys/girls night out?

How important is your health?

Do you have an active lifestyle? Do you workout? (Do you even lift? LOL, jk)  Are you a healthy eater? Do you smoke cigarettes or hookah? You have no idea how many times the smoking issue has come up after marriage. You can either don’t mind or hate it. If you hate it, its hard to be around someone who smokes. How important is self-improvement? How do you handle stress? Do you shut down or open up? 

We know these questions can be difficult and scary but they have a lot of value to offer to our long-term relationships. The more you can expect the inevitable tension that will appear throughout your marriage, the more opportunity you’ll have to develop the tools you’ll need to proactively work through it. This will give you the space to design a plan to keep these conflicts from taking over your marriage, and to let your relationship thrive. It can even help you decide whether you want to move forward or not. Half Our Deen has a database with 100s of questions that should be asked to potentials. You can add these or ask your own.

At the end the more informed you are, the lower the risk of the marriage you are about to step into. This is not a date, its a lifelong commitment. Do you research! Ask what matters.

Want the edge when searching for your other half?
Then you have to get your hands on this FREE PDF.
This guide will dig into the 4 crucial steps to finding your other half.
Just click  on the image below to download it right now.  

Get the 4-Step Guide to Find Your Other Half. FREE Download!
 

1. You have common interests
   Opposites may attract but it’s also important to have common interests with your potential partner. It brings you closer together, helps you connect, reduces conflict, and makes for some interesting conversations. Besides, Game of Thrones marathons are certainly more fun with a partner. Having said that, it’s equally important to have your own likes, hobbies, and friends. Being codependent can be devastating to say the least. If you are a member on Half Our Deen, you can add interest tags and can use them to filter your searches. For example, if you want to find someone who leads an active lifestyle, works out, goes to conferences and loves sushi, you can filter by that. 
2. C is for Communication
   Is he/she the first person you want to talk to when something significant happens? Do you end up telling each other almost everything that happened during the day even the mundane stuff? Is the conversation effortless? Are you happy to listen to them? If you answered yes to all or most of these questions, congratulations, you guys are definitely compatible! Besides, if the other person always has time for you, it simply means they consider you a priority in their lives and they’re no longer “playing the field”.
3. You have the same values and goals
   Identical core values are the foundation of a strong relationship. When it comes to matters like family, parenting, children, socializing, religion, and finances, do the two of you share the same views? Of course, it’s impossible to predict life but do you have similar plans for the future? While it’s natural to not always be on the same page, it definitely helps to have similar beliefs and values especially when you’re trying to make difficult decisions. As a HOD member, you can ask deal breaker questions that actually matter to you, before you ever engage in a conversation. Ask your own or pick from the 100s of questions we have online. 
4. You’re not afraid to show each other your true selves
   Everyone presents their “perfect” selves to the other person when getting to know each other. But, if you’ve been talking for a while and you feel comfortable enough to show them your real self, it means there is a deeper connection. Having them appreciate who you truly are is the best way to know someone.
5. You accept each other
   Talking about being yourself, true compatibility is when you accept each other for who you are, quirks, flaws and everything. It’s unfair to expect someone to change in the future simply because that’s not the person you fell in love with in the first place. Hint, people never change after marriage, no matter how hard you try.
6. You bring out the best in each other
   Does he/she make you want to be the best version of yourself? Are they the yin to your yang? Maybe you’ve always been a nervous person but you seem to be getting more confident because of them. Maybe you’ve helped them forget a difficult past and move on. Or maybe you just make each other laugh like there’s no tomorrow. Remember, compatible people complement each other beautifully. Does this sound like the two of you? HOD’s compatibility test, uses a scientific approach to help determine how compatible you will be with someone. Use the Chemistry Prediction button to find out where you click and where you may differ.
7. You can imagine a future together
   When it comes to relationships, sometimes your gut feeling is the best judge of whether or not you’re compatible. When you close your eyes and think about this person, do you actually see a future together? More importantly, are you happy in this future? If you can genuinely see this person being a part of your life, it’s because there’s more than just chemistry and friendship.
8. You resolve disagreements respectfully
   Everyone disagrees and argues, but the difference between a healthy and unhealthy argument is how you resolve it. If you are respectful even when you’re arguing and try to understand their point of view and vice versa, it’s a healthy conversation. At the end of the day, do you resolve it and come out stronger than ever or do you just sweep it under the rug hoping it will just go away? In these early stages, a disagreement is healthy. But what’s even better, is how both of you handle this. It gives you a peek into married life, when more serious issues come up.
9. You forget that you met online
   It’s often hard to feel close to someone you’ve met online as opposed to someone from “real” life. However, if it feels effortless, like you’ve known him/her for ages and they fit perfectly into your real life, it means that you have truly bonded with each other.

Want the edge when searching for your other half?
Then you have to get your hands on this FREE PDF.
This guide will dig into the 4 crucial steps to finding your other half.
Just click  on the image below to download it right now.  

That one person to share our life with.

That one person to grow old with.

That one person who’s by our side, no matter what.

But, exactly how long does it take to find our One?

I wish there was a calculated time frame I could give you…some kind of algorithm I could tell you to follow….but there isn’t. It can strike at any time, and the timing is different for each and every one of us.

We have to remember that we all have our own path. And to have faith that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment. And to trust that we will meet our One when we’re supposed to.

When we’re supposed to. What does that mean anyway?

Life has an interesting way of preparing us for our One. It brings us different people and different experiences, each designed to teach us something important about ourselves. These lessons come into our lives to help us grow. And we all have a little bit of growing to do before we are ready to receive our One. And it’s a beautiful process to embrace.

I know it can be a painful at times, but trust in this process of evolution because it’s bringing us closer to finding our One. We learn to grow within ourselves before we can learn to grow with someone else.

And love is patience. We don’t want to rush one of the most important processes of our lives, do we?

Statistics show that it can take up to 8 months on average to find an online match. And with so many new members pouring in daily, your chances of finding love online increase the longer you stay. Too many people give up and lose hope within a month.

If you were looking for a job online and posted your resume on a job site, how long would you wait to remove your resume? A week, a month, maybe 2 months? If you are smart you will leave your resume up until you find a job. Finding someone online is similar.

It will come.

Get the 4-Step Guide to Find Your Other Half. Download it Free!

In the meantime, try not to compare yourself to others. Please don’t should yourself: I should have met my One by now, I should be married by now, all my friends are already married etc…

If we should the process, we take the risk of not choosing the right person. Be patient.

And feel it. How will you feel when you finally have your One by your side? Let yourself feel those emotions as if your One is already here. Let that love and energy get projected outwards to help attract your great love.

Believe me, I know waiting can be hard.

You maybe the oldest of all your friends and they’ve gotten married before you and are now having children.You may feel completely discouraged at times, being the only single person.

But every day, remind yourself that your path is different from theirs, that your timing is different from theirs, and that your other half is coming.

Believe in the process, it will be worth every moment.

You don’t have to put pressure on yourself in finding your One. Trust in the timing.

In the meantime, take in all the beautiful things around you. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. Do the things that you enjoy. When you carry this joy inside of you, the whole world can see it.

And so will your One.

Want the edge when searching for your other half?
Then you have to get your hands on this FREE PDF.
This guide will dig into the 4 crucial steps to finding your other half.
Just click  on the image below to download it right now.  

1) While intellectual compatibility is important, that does not necessarily translate to having the same number of degrees or years of study. Just because a person has had more (or less) schooling than you does not necessarily mean that you are not intellectually compatible. Instead of writing someone off because they don’t have the right level of education speak to them and see if perhaps you are both on the same intellectual level.

2) Getting married does not necessarily mean the end of your education. A lot of singles (particularly sisters) feel they have to make a choice between either marriage or education. While, it is true, that getting married does add more responsibility to your plate it can also motivate you to take your studies more seriously and complete them faster. If you are interested in getting married but aren’t sure how education will fit into your married life, discuss it with your potential other half. You can even outline a plan together beforehand.

3) It is possible to afford both marriage and education. Pursuing higher education can actually be more affordable after marriage. There is more financial aid available to married couples than singles. Financial aid is also calculated just on the income of you and your spouse, without your parents, so you are more likely to qualify. You will also learn to be more responsible with your money as you have a spouse and a future together to look forward to.

There is no doubt that education plays an important role in our lives. It is a means of growing for us as people as well as way to improve our economic status. Education should be pursued however we should also keep in mind that learning occurs not only in school but throughout our lives. Pursuing higher education should not come at the expense of other things we want in life. Instead, we should find a way to reconcile between the things that matter to us and approach it from a practical angle. We should also take the time to learn about other people instead of dismissing them based on their level of schooling.

Islam has set clear guidelines for how to interact with the opposite gender and even how to approach them when you are interested in them for marriage. While these guidelines may seem stringent they are there to protect you from the inevitable heartache that accompanies the search for a partner as well as to help keep you objective when deciding who you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is not asking the hard questions first. They decide that they need to get to know the person first before they are comfortable asking some of their deal breaker questions.  The problem with this approach is that by the time you get to ask a make it or break it question you are already emotionally invested in the other person and find it much harder to move on, even once you have realized they are not the right fit for you.

In order to avoid this rough aspect of the spouse search here are a few guidelines to help you stay within the boundaries of Islam and avoid becoming overly attached before the time is right.

1)      When meeting with a potential spouse or exchanging correspondence make sure to have someone else privy to the conversation. It is less likely that the conversation will steer off topic and become more personal when you know someone else is also listening/reading it.

2)      Make a list of your deal breaker questions and ask them first. If there are certain aspects that you can’t budge on make sure to get them out of the way before you waste both of your times.  Encourage the other person to do the same.

3)      Keep your conversations to the point. There is no need to share all of your childhood memories and everything that happens during your day now. Save these amazing stories to tell your spouse later on. Not only will it keep you focused on the important matters now it will ensure that you have fodder for all the conversations you will have after you are married. And if the person turns out not to be right for you then you wouldn’t have shared the personal and cherished conversations with them—which can make it harder to move on.

The beginning of a relationship is an exciting time. It is easy to focus on how you feel, letting that guide your decisions, instead of thinking rationally about how you should conducting yourself. The important thing to remember is that one of the blessings of Islam is that only your spouse gets to share the special moments of a relationship with you. It’s up to you to ensure that happens by only investing emotionally once you have cleared out any doubts that this person is the right one for you.

Throughout a marriage spouses should try their hardest to please each other and do nice things for one another. However, if they overextend themselves not only will they eventually burn out they will also leave the other spouse with expectations that are too high.  Instead, from the beginning of the relationship both spouses should talk over and set a precedence of how they view the rest of their lives together being.

If a wife would eventually like her husband to take on some household responsibilities, such as helping her with the vacuuming once a week, then she should let that be known from the start. Instead, most will happily take on all the household chores by themselves until they are tired of it at which point they will snap and state that the husband “never helps”. When the reality is in the beginning of the marriage when he offered to help they would turn him down and he got the impression that was not something he needed to contribute in.

The same applies to a husband, if he has certain expectations of his wife they should be established from the beginning. If these expectations are not discussed and acted on from the start it will be much harder to change them later. It is easier to create a habit than to change a habit.

Ahmad comes home late, exhausted, all he wants is to sit down and eat something while he zones out on his phone checking the basketball scores. Asmaa finally got the kids to bed and is hoping for an adult conversation. When she sees Ahmad isn’t up for it she decides to head to the kitchen and see what needs to be done. Less than a minute later she remarks “Ahmad, the garbage is starting to stink. You promised to take it out yesterday. You think you will have time in your oh so busy schedule to get it done tonight?”. He responds in a snarky tone, “Can you just shut up about the garbage and let me eat in peace for once?”

These comments set a chain reaction in motion with each one beginning to list every action and habit the other does that they can not stand. Each accusation becomes more hurtful and loud than the previous. They part ways an hour later. Broken, resentful, unsure of what to do next.

Underneath it all Asmaa is feeling unappreciated. While she knows her husband works hard for the family she wishes he would acknowledge the effort she brings to the table. She longs for the times when he would spend hours talking to her and making her feel like she was his whole world. On the other hand Ahmad thinks his love and appreciation  for her is made obvious by all the hard work he is putting in. He longs for the days where she wasn’t as needy and didn’t nag about taking the trash out but instead did it herself if he forgot. He wishes she was more appreciative of what he brings to the table. They both wish things could go back to how it was when the weight of the world wasn’t on their shoulders and they still gave each other butterflies with every look.

Although this particular set of events is pure fiction it is an all too common reality in our communities these days. Spouses are so focused on the day to day of their lives that they don’t take the time to truly communicate how the changes in their relationship make them feel and how to deal with it. Instead, they bottle up all their annoyances with their spouse and sweep it under the rug until it all explodes and the mess, is sometimes, too big to clean up.

In order for a relationship to grow and flourish the lines of communication have to be open. Both spouses need to commit time and effort to really listen to how the other feels and accept it. Just because you feel that you give your spouse enough attention does not mean they agree—and that’s ok! After all no two people are created exactly the same and everyone has their own emotions and feelings.

Marriage is the cornerstone of our communities. They will produce the next generation. And they are worth working on and fighting for. While there are many steps that can be taken to support couples and help them make it work the simplest, and first, thing that needs to happen is for both of them to be open and honest with each other.

While everyone will have an opinion of what you should or shouldn’t do in order to be ready for this life altering occasion the truth is no matter how prepared  you think you are for marriage it will take you by surprised. Every relationship will come with it’s own unique set of of extreme joys and trials. Just because they are speaking from experience does not mean your experience will mirror theirs. There is no check list that you can go through to ensure you will know how to respond.  That is why getting ready for this momentous occasion will be different for everyone.

The best thing you can do as you await your other half is to begin doing everything you put off doing till you found (or dreamed of doing with) your spouse. Take an inventory of the important aspects of your life such as your education, your deen, your happiness. Identify the goals you hope to achieve in each and begin to aspire to them.

If you had always desired to continue further in your education go ahead and apply to universities or grad schools. If you hope to wake up for fajr every morning, set your alarm across the room from now instead of waiting for someone else to be by your side to wake you up. If you have always wished to take a trip to a new country each year start now—the stories you will have to tell your future spouse will be priceless.

As much as you love to share your life with your spouse and as much as they  make you a better person you have to start on your goals yourself. By doing so you will be more content, happy, and have healthier relationships. As you search for your other half, begin to create the life you want to share with them instead of waiting for them to appear in your life to give you a push in the right direction.

Illume Magazine produced an article that offers not only insight into how Baba Ali came to the decision to start Halfourdeen.com but also shares the story of our very own Afra and Sammy. It highlights the main philosophy behind Halfourdeen.com and what sets us apart from other Muslim matrimonial services.

They also released an infographic with our statistics from 2012. This graphic is a great way to get the gist of what Halfourdeen.com is. It would also be a great link to send to friends or family who have not heard of Halfourdeen.com before.

The third piece was both a radio interview and article by KALW 91.7FM in San Francisco. A local reporter came out and covered the HOD offline event that happened there recently. She shares both her thoughts on the event as well as those of some of the attendees.

Our latest offline event was our first event ever (!) on the East Coast. It was held in New York and brought in over 72 attendees and 22 mutual matches MashAllah! It was an overall success with glowing reviews. R.K, said “the event was well organized and an appropriate environment where Muslims can seek out their other half’” and N.M said she “felt the most comfortable she could be in a situation like this”. To cap off the evening we had our NY success story couple attend the event to share their inspiring story!

Lastly, inshaAllah we are continuing to bring HalfOurDeen offline to as many cities as we can this year. Below is an updated list with cities and dates. As more cities are planned we will be sure to let you know!

Orange County – April 6th –Sign Up
Tampa FL – April 6th – Sign Up
Santa Clara – April 14th – Sign Up
Dallas, Texas – April 14th – Sign Up
Phoenix, Arizona – April 20th – Sign Up
Boston, MA – May TBD Sign Up
Chicago, IL – June TBD – Sign Up