Half-life Crisis

In the past year or so, as I freaked out and questioned every...

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 13:08:00 -0400

In the past year or so, as I freaked out and questioned every choice I’ve ever made, I’ve read many self-help books and blogs. Any tips that related to my life were attempted. I used the secrets of the ‘The Secret’ and I’ve kept a weekly log of goals and achievements. I’ve visualized and repeated mantras. One year later, I’ve determined they’re more distracting than useful.

Not that the information isn’t helpful. It is. It just isn’t helpful to me. I read this post about priorities the other day, Love Life, Not Stuff, which I loved and agreed with, but it doesn’t apply to my life. Like many of these blogs, it is written for people who work too hard at the wrong job and feel trapped in their life. That’s not me. I’m never too busy or too overwhelmed. I don’t have a dream that I’m afraid to follow. And money or status hold no interest for me.

I have two issues: not knowing what job/creative endeavor would make me happy and not having a partner to share my life with. If I had a specific life goal, then I could create a vision board and work toward it, but I don’t. If I could find a partner using ‘secret’ ideas, then he’d be here by now, but he isn’t. So I think I’m done with trying to find answers in books and blogs.

I still love to read this stuff, and I’ll continue posting interesting links, but I won’t be saying ‘I am lovable’ into the mirror every morning. I’m going to try the simple approach: 1) Follow up on ideas that interest or excite me and believe they’ll lead me to a fulfilling job or creative endeavor; 2) Go on lots of dates and believe they’ll lead me to a partner I can share my life with.

Meanwhile, I’m going to enjoy the sun and heat while it’s here.

Decoybetty: The guide to dating site men....

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 18:10:00 -0400

Decoybetty: The guide to dating site men....: This made me laugh.

It’s been a few months since I began my online dating...

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 12:56:00 -0400

It’s been a few months since I began my online dating quest, and you know what? I’m finally beginning to have fun! At first, I approached dating as a necessary evil, like a job interview. I sent out my notes (resume) and waited to see who responded, then met with them one on one and asked and answered questions to see if we would work well together.

The cold, practical approach worked well because I really didn’t know what I was doing. I’d always managed to avoid dating, so it was like learning a foreign language. Now that I’ve been on over 15 dates, and continued dating a few of the men, I feel like maybe I’m finally becoming fluent. And just as visiting a foreign country is more fun when you know the language, dating is more fun when you feel comfortable with the process.

Here is what I’ve learned works for me:
1) Meeting someone is essential, and long phone/email contact won’t make up for lack of chemistry.
2) Making a coffee/drink date is far better than making activity or formal dinner plans, because you need to be able to talk, and you need to be able to walk away in an hour if there’s no chemistry.
3) Chemistry is not a logical thing, so you shouldn’t take it personally. I’ve met many attractive men who did nothing for me, and some less attractive men who gave me a spark.

Assess Your Potential Before Taking Action

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 12:38:46 -0400

Assess Your Potential Before Taking Action: This is an interesting way to think about options. Right now my options are wide open, and that can be debilitating. If I think in terms of potential, I can take a more practical approach.

As of this week I’m a part-time employee. I’ve avoided...

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 12:27:00 -0400

As of this week I’m a part-time employee. I’ve avoided layoff, but only after I agreed to cut my hours.

Overall, it’s a good thing. My benefits will still be covered, so I’m in a better place than many. More importantly, I’ve been contemplating other options for making money, and will now have time to experiment. But money will be tight for a while, and I have an underlying fear that I’ll find my other options untenable. I’m not very good at putting myself out there. But it’s time: if I don’t do it now, I never will.

"Have you ever really wanted to do something, but you just weren’t motivated enough to do it? This is..."

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 12:01:00 -0400

“

Have you ever really wanted to do something, but you just weren’t motivated enough to do it? This is always my number one reason for not taking action, as I’m sure it’s probably yours too. If you’re not motivated, you just don’t have the energy or the drive to do what you need to do, right? Simple enough. But here’s three of the biggest problems with relying on being highly motivated all the time:

1. Maybe you don’t really care about what you’re doing. Maybe it doesn’t really matter and you’re trying to force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. In this case, your lack of motivation is your subconscious telling you “this is not important” or “this does not align with my values.”

2. Energy comes in waves. And just as each wave has a crest, it also has a trough. Sometimes your level of motivation will be like a rushing tsunami. At other times, it will be a steady flow. These are natural rhythms and following these rhythms are important, because if you don’t, you will burn out.

3. Sometimes you won’t be excited before you take action, but you will feed good after you’re done. Take exercise for example. A lot of people dread or loathe working up a sweat. They are not motivated beforehand, at least not enough for them to break through the mental resistance to the work that will be done. But, they feel awesome when they’ve finished exercising. Therefore, sometimes you can’t rely on being highly motivated before, sometimes you have to rely on being motivated after.

”

- Why Motivation Doesn’t Really Matter

Make Mistakes, Big and Small, and You Might Learn Something

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 10:59:00 -0400

Make Mistakes, Big and Small, and You Might Learn Something

So, I love ‘What Not to Wear’ -mainly because I love...

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 20:03:00 -0400

So, I love ‘What Not to Wear’ -mainly because I love to see the transformations of the women involved. After a few seasons, I’ve found that there’s one similarity between all of the WNTW candidates: They’re stuck. Usually they’re stuck in some idea of themselves- rebel, mother, kook, college kid- but some are stuck in hatred of their body. Through the WNTW process of creating a new wardrobe they’re forced to face who they are now, where they are now, and what works now.

This week’s candidate, Chelsea, was much like every candidate in that she was vehement about being okay with her look and not wanting to change into someone else, until eventually realizing that she’d really needed the change. I’ve seen this transformation many times, but this time I saw an analogy between her clothing rut and any kind of rut. For instance, mine.

I want to meet someone. I want to express myself creatively. I want to stop my internet, tv and daydreaming addictions. But I also believe that it should happen naturally. I can relate to every WNTW candidate who expresses fear of losing herself by following any rules she didn’t come up with. So I go along, thinking that eventually, by reading and writing and ‘getting in touch with myself’ I will organically change on my own.

The thing is, I’ve been waiting for that change for a while. Maybe instead of waiting and hoping for change, I should take a cue from WNTW and force myself into a new place. Online dating has shown me that it works. I used to pray I’d meet someone, try and talk to people, and look out for every opportunity. But the years passed by and I stayed single. So I’m forcing myself out there, and even though it doesn’t ‘feel like me’ if I meet a guy I like I’m happy I put myself through it.

The Truth About Vizualization and Goal Achievement

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 13:07:12 -0400

The Truth About Vizualization and Goal Achievement

I wonder whether it’s impossible to connect under the...

Sat, 30 May 2009 18:46:00 -0400

I wonder whether it’s impossible to connect under the forced conditions of internet dating or if it’s just the wrong guy. This isn’t the first time I’ve met someone who I seem to like, but never really connect with. Part of me thinks I can’t know enough in a month to feel strongly about them one way or another. Part of me thinks that basically picking someone out of a book makes it too clinical to feel romantic about. But all of me knows that if I’m not attracted to a guy after a month, then I probably won’t be attracted to him after three months.

Maybe it’s not internet dating. Maybe it’s all dating. I’ve never done it. I’ve never had that weird feeling of thinking I like someone only to find after three dates that I really don’t. So it feels like I’m doing something wrong. Add that to a lifetime of commitment issues and I worry that I’ll be alone forever because I simply don’t know how to connect, period.

But worry is just worry, it’s not reality. Reality is: I find dating awkward. I hate having to ‘try out’ different men to see if they work. And I especially hate knowing that I don’t know where it’s going when it starts. Which is how dating goes, it seems. Nothing to do but keep on keeping on.

Gotta get out of this place.

Fri, 22 May 2009 18:00:00 -0400

The more I speak to people in their late 30s/early 40s, the more I hear about the un-chosen path- whether marriage/kids or following their dream- that haunts them.

alanfm78:

I’ve just realized being home may not be so good for me. I begin to question my choices. I look around, see friends with their families, settled into their lives. Kids. People who love and support them. Careers going on twenty years which present at least the illusion of stability.

While I love what I do, the career I’ve chosen is demanding of my time. It’s selfish, and rarely gives back. It keeps me off balance, and on the edge of my seat. That’s not always a good thing. I’ve let good people leave my life in lieu of… telling stories?

I’m reminded of a scene in “Rounders,” where Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) is sitting with his professor, Abe Petrovsky (Martin Landau). McDermott is internally questioning his choice to be in Law School vs. rounding. Petrovsky picks up on this, and responds:

Petrovky: 
              May I tell you a story?  

McDermott:  
              Please.

Petrovsky:
              For generations, men of my family have been rabbis.
              In Israel, before that in Europe.
              It was to be my calling. I was quite a prodigy.
              The pride of my yeshiva.
              The elders said I had a   40(?)-year-old's understanding...
              of the midrash by the time I was  12(?).
              But by the time I was  16, (?)
              I knew I could never be a rabbi.             

McDermott: 
              Why not?

Petrovsky: 
               Because for all I understood of the Talmud,
               I never saw God there.

McDermott: 
              You couldn't lie to yourself.

Petrovsky:
              I tried. Tried like crazy.
              I mean, people were counting on me.

McDermott:
              But yours is a respectable profession.

Petrovsky:
              Not to my family.
              My parents were destroyed, devastated by my decision.
              My father sent me away to New York...
              to live with distant cousins.
              Eventually, l... I found my place,
              my life's work.

McDermott:   
              What then?

Petrovsky:
              I immersed myself fully, I studied the minutiae,
              I learned everything I could about the law.
              I mean, I felt deeply inside that it was what I was born to do.
McDermott: 
              And did your parents get over it? 

Petrovsky:
              No. I always hoped that I would find...
              some way to change their minds, but...
              They were inconsolable.
              My father never spoke to me again.

McDermott: 
              If you had to do it all over again,
              would you make the same choices?

(A long BEAT)

Petrovsky: 
             What choice?

What choice. Indeed.

I get it. I do. But still, I sometimes wonder what I’ve given up.

Work has piled up and I need to go back to LA tomorrow, a couple of days earlier than planned, but right now it’s feeling pretty convenient.

I’ll get over this, I always do. Just how I’m feeling at this moment.

My job/career does not align with my true personal brand. [Generation Y and the mainstream workplace]

Thu, 21 May 2009 11:13:00 -0400

My job/career does not align with my true personal brand. [Generation Y and the mainstream workplace]: So funny, because it’s so true. And not just for Gen-Y kids, but any 20-something liberal arts graduate from the past 30 years.

The Middle Passage (Part 1) Last weekend I found this (dry)...

Wed, 20 May 2009 20:13:00 -0400

The Middle Passage (Part 1)

Last weekend I found this (dry) fountain in New Mexico, and immediately saw it as a symbol for what this book calls the middle passage- it enters on a straight path, spirals in, spirals out again, and leaves in a straight path. The Middle Passage takes us in a similar direction- into our core and out again. Same path, new understanding.

I’m not a book critic, I’m a reader. I don’t remember how I found this book, but I loved that it explained exactly what’s happening to me in a language I understand. I knew there was something going on. I obviously knew it was about my age and my life choices. But I needed more information, so I picked up this book.

After reading this, I can see what the anxiety and the regret are all about. Not only is it a typical reaction, but it’s a necessary reaction if I want to get real with myself. I’m not trapped in a mistaken life, but on a path to a new one.

“Our lives are tragic only to the degree that we remain unconscious of … the growing divergence between our nature and our choices … Most of the sense of crisis in midlife is occasioned by the pain of that split. The disparity between the inner sense of self and the acquired personality becomes so great that… What psychologists call decompensation occurs. The person continues to operate out of the old attitudes and strategies, but they are no longer effective.
…A person going through such an experience will often panic and say, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” In effect, the person one has been is to be replaced by the person to be. The first must die. No wonder there is such enormous anxiety. One is summoned, psychologically, to die unto the old self so that the new might be born.” (p.15)

Indeed: One day I was fine, and the next terrified. My usual ‘feel better’ strategies didn’t work. A lifetime of choices no longer made sense.

Now that I’ve read more about this transitional period, I’ve started to accept where I am. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a while. I have more energy. I have more hope. Not much outwardly has changed, but I no longer feel trapped and angry about my situation.

Momentum Mania: How to Get Your Groove Back in 7 Simple Steps

Sat, 16 May 2009 08:59:21 -0400

Momentum Mania: How to Get Your Groove Back in 7 Simple Steps

Stop Reading About It and Do It

Sat, 16 May 2009 08:58:16 -0400

Stop Reading About It and Do It

"I used to think that ‘living life as though it mattered’ meant being larger than life,..."

Sat, 09 May 2009 17:53:00 -0400

“

I used to think that ‘living life as though it mattered’ meant being larger than life, taking outrageous chances, traveling to exotic locations and never, ever being absorbed in mundane, everyday activity. Oops. I missed the point of ‘as though it mattered.’ By ignoring the everyday activities of life, I was saying that they don’t matter.

One day, in a fit of depression, I realized that all I have is this day and everything in it. I need to live this day, in all of its normalcy, as if it matters. I also realized that we’re all in it together. If every day matters, then everyone involved in every one of our days matters. And we matter to them.

A long time ago I wrote to a former therapist to tell her how she’d changed my life. Later she told me that she carried that letter around with her for a long time. Her obvious importance in my life had blinded me to her human insecurities. Knowing she’d mattered to me had mattered to her. No matter how strong and secure they may seem, everyone needs acknowledgement that they matter.

”

- I made this comment on a blogher post, and am posting it here as a reminder to myself

"Many of your experiments will fail, but some of them will work and a few will work very well. It’s..."

Mon, 04 May 2009 19:26:16 -0400

“Many of your experiments will fail, but some of them will work and a few will work very well. It’s just like finding good ideas: the more ideas you have the more likely you will find good ones.”

- Experiment: A Formula to Achieve Success

Dating update: So, this is one of those times when not listening...

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:59:00 -0400

Dating update: So, this is one of those times when not listening to my fears paid off. I was getting pretty cranky about the once a week date thing, as I said. Part of me thought he didn’t want to contact me because he was dating lots of women. Another part of me was offended that he wasn’t falling over himself to be with me. Together, those parts were in a pretty unhappy mood on Saturday when I saw him again. After about 10 minutes I knew neither part was correct. He liked me, there was no secret life, and no lack of interest on his part.

And to prove just how little I knew about what he was thinking, at the end of the date he said ‘So, I think that going for more than a week without talking- it’s too long. I’d really like to talk to you more. Can we talk on the phone during the week?’ As simple as that. He had been thinking the same thing.

I’ve learned this lesson before: I am a terrible mind-reader. So many times I’ve been certain that I knew what was going on in someone else’s head only to find out I’m wrong. I need to wait, listen, ask and never believe my own fears. It’s nice to be wrong sometimes.

Good question. I have no idea what my answer would be. If...

Fri, 01 May 2009 19:44:00 -0400

Good question. I have no idea what my answer would be. If I’m asked what I do at a party, I usually change the subject. My job title doesn’t express who I am, and probably leads to many wrong conclusions. But I can’t think of any job title that would make me beam with pride. (Career Renegade)

So, dating… Truth be told, I’ve never really done...

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:58:00 -0400

So, dating… Truth be told, I’ve never really done it. Most of my relationships have been with friends or acquaintances who grow into boyfriends. We usually become close pretty quickly- talking on the phone, making plans often, and integrating our lives right away. I’ve been pretty successful with my internet dating plan, but I find the whole process frustrating. We’re trying to get to know each other, but we’re also dating. So we’re saying ‘I like you enough to see you again’ but not ‘I like you enough to say we’re a couple.’

I don’t think I know how to navigate this in-between thing- mainly because I get bored if I don’t have momentum. At the end of every date I think ‘Wow. That was nice. He’s nice. I’d be happy to see him again.’ Then the next day I’ll get an email saying he wants to go out again, and I accept. Then a week goes by with no contact. By the next date I can take or leave the whole thing. Is it possible to grow close to someone with only one date per week?

All I know is that my old way- all or nothing dating- isn’t working anymore. I have to let things roll along and take them as they come. If I find one man I want more contact with, then I need to tell him that it’s hard for me to get excited about a person by seeing them once a week- maybe recommend that we talk on the phone? Hmmmm. For now, I’m just trying to enjoy the dates, and think of the boys as activity partners.