Handling Disappointment - Education, Personality Development

The Tortured Genius Just Can’t Help It, Or Why Scott And Zelda Went Mad

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 10 May 2014 02:23:00 +0000

by Edward Platt
Article from http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/

Creative types can’t stop thinking, can’t stop second guessing and revising, and aren’t much fun to be around. But new studies show it’s not like they have a choice.

Knowing his wife was upset with him for spending more time with his typewriter than with her, F. Scott Fitzgerald hatched a plan. He wasn’t proud of many of his short stories (he only included 46 of his 181 short stories in his published collections), but he knew that in order to win back his wife he’d have to whip up something quickly. Working from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m., he churned out “The Camel’s Back” for The Saturday Evening Post for a fee of $500. That very morning, he bought Zelda a gift with the money he had made.

“I suppose that of all the stories I have ever written this one cost me the least travail and perhaps gave me the most amusement,” he commented in the first edition of Tales of the Jazz Age. “As to the labor involved, it was written during one day in the city of New Orleans, with the express purpose of buying a platinum and diamond wristwatch which cost six hundred dollars.”

This was in 1920, and Zelda’s frustrations could still be assuaged with a well-timed gift. (After all, it was only after Scott had the money and prestige from publishing This Side of Paradise that she agreed to marry him earlier that year.) It wasn’t long though until Zelda had grown so fed up with Scott’s drinking and self-isolation that she lashed out, cheating on him with a French naval aviator while Scott was working on The Great Gatsby in the South of France. From then on, their marriage devolved into arguments and a devastating cocktail of debt, drink, and manic depression.

“Zelda’s spending sprees, her ‘passionate love of life’ and intense social relationships, her melancholic response to disappointment and the relatively late onset of her illness (she was born in 1900) point toward a mood disorder, as does the alternation between frank psychosis and a sparkling, provocative personality,” noted a 1996 article in The New York Times Magazine that asked “How Crazy Was Zelda?”

The Fitzgeralds are perhaps the best—or at least the most intriguing—example of writers whose talents, when mixed with depression and vices (like alcohol and spending sprees), burned brightly then collapsed calamitously.

But of course, it’s not just the Fitzgeralds who battled depression and led lives that eventually spun out of their control. Mark Twain, Tennessee Williams, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Stephen King, Anne Rice, David Foster Wallace, and even J.K. Rowling are just a few of the writers who have been struck by the illness that Hemingway once referred to as “The Artist’s Reward.”

The common theory for why writers are often depressed is rather basic: writers think a lot and people who think a lot tend to be unhappy. Add to that long periods of isolation and the high levels of narcissism that draws someone to a career like writing, and it seems obvious why they might not be the happiest bunch.

A study conducted at the prestigious Iowa Writers’ Workshop found that 80 percent of the residents displayed some form of depression.

Dig a little deeper though, and some interesting findings reveal themselves—findings not just about the neuroscience of writerly depression, but about why Hemingway was so awful to Hadley, why Scott and Zelda drove each other mad, and why writers, by and large, are not only depressed people but also awful lovers.

A few months back, Andreas Fink at the University of Graz in Austria found a relationship between the ability to come up with an idea and the inability to suppress the precuneus while thinking. The precuneus is the area of the brain that shows the highest levels of activation during times of rest and has been linked to self-consciousness and memory retrieval. It is an indicator of how much one ruminates or ponders oneself and one’s experiences.

For most people, this area of the brain only lights up at restful times when one is not focusing on work or even daily tasks. For writers and creatives, however, it seems to be constantly activated. Fink’s hypothesis is that the most creative people are continually making associations between the external world and their internal experiences and memories. They cannot focus on one thing quite like the average person. Essentially, their stream of ideas is always running—the tap does not shut off—and, as a result, creative people show schizophrenic, borderline manic-depressive tendencies. Really, that’s no hyperbole. Fink found that this inability to suppress the precuneus is seen most dominantly in two types of people: creatives and psychosis patients.

What’s perhaps most interesting is that this flood of thoughts and introspection is apparently vital to creative success. In Touched with Fire, a touchstone book on the relationship between “madness and creativity,” Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatry professor at Johns Hopkins, reported that successful individuals were eight times more likely as “regular people” to suffer from a serious depressive illness.

If you think about it though, this “mad success” makes sense. Great writing requires original thinking and clever reorganization of varied experiences and thoughts. Whether it’s Adam Gopnik’s first piece for The New Yorker that related Italian Renaissance art with the Montréal Expos or Fitzgerald trailblazing the “Jazz Age” with his combination of Princeton poems and socioeconomic class sensibilities in This Side of Paradise, a writer’s job is to reshape a hodgepodge of old ideas into brand new ones. By letting in as much information as possible, the brains of writers and artists can trawl through their abundance of odd thoughts and turn them into original, cohesive products.

It’s not a surprise then that Tim Burton, Quentin Tarantino, and the most wildly creative writers of our generation have such bizarre ideas: they cannot stop thinking, and whether pleasant or macabre, their thoughts (that can turn into masterpieces like The Nightmare Before Christmas and Pulp Fiction) are constantly flowing through their minds.

Although this stream of introspection and association allows for creative ideas, the downside is that people with “ruminative tendencies” are significantly more likely to become depressed, according (PDF) to the late Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. Constant reflection takes a toll. Writing, editing, and revising also requires are near obsession with self-criticism, the leading quality for depressed patients.

In fact, a study conducted by Nancy Andreasen at the prestigious Iowa Writers’ Workshop found that 80 percent of the residents displayed some form of depression.

“One of the most important qualities [of depression] is persistence,” said Andreasen. “Successful writers are like prizefighters who keep on getting hit but won’t go down. They’ll stick with it until it’s right.”

While Fitzgerald liked to boast of his raw talent that allowed him to come up with clever stories for the Post or The Smart Set in mere hours, biographers have noted that he spent months poring over drafts—a perfectionist making revision after revision. For better or for worse, creativity and focus are inextricably linked. As Andreasen said, “This type of thinking is often inseparable from the suffering. If you’re at the cutting edge, then you’re going to bleed.”

This mishmash of unremitting rumination and self-criticism means that writers are always working. Even quotidian life is a writerly task. In an interview with The Paris Review, Joyce Carol Oates said, “[I] observe the qualities of people, overhearing snatches of conversations, noting people’s appearances, their clothes, and so forth. Walking and driving a car are part of my life as a writer, really.”

Now, for just a second, put aside the recent news that journalism/writing was ranked as the sixth most narcissistic job by Forbes. And don’t think about the fact that writing is not only a lonely job, but it is also one that can turn a pleasant walk or a drive into a form of work. Instead, focus on how writing is about being able to create and control a world.

For what is writing, but an amalgamation of our thoughts and experiences finished off with a wax and a shine?

This need for control often translates to real life too, and it comes at the expense of the feelings and wishes of nearly everyone around them. Writers are often such terrible lovers because they treat real people as characters, malleable and at their authorial will.

When Charles Dickens was 24 (and allegedly a virgin), he married Catherine Hogarth, then 21. Almost immediately after they married, he became infatuated with Mary, her younger sister (so much so that she would later become the basis for Little Nell in The Old Curiosity Shoppe). Mary died shortly thereafter, which proved a devastating blow for Charles, and for the rest of their marriage Catherine futility tried to live up to her sister. After 22 years and 10 children with Catherine, Charles met Nelly Ternan, a young actress, and deciding that he was quite tired of his wife, tossed her aside in favor of this new mistress.

Like so many authors, from Fyodor Dostoevsky to Ezra Pound to V.S. Naipaul, Dickens wasn’t much of a good person. In fact, he was a rather terrible person and had history not bowed at the beauty of his fiction, he would have been remembered poorly.

Writers can be rather awful people, and their blend of depression, isolation, and desire to control not only their own characters but the “characters” of their real lives has been a relationship-killer for centuries.

(As for the other relationship-destroyer—writers’ infamous penchant for alcohol—Gopnik postulates, “Writing is work in which the balance necessary to a sane life of physical and symbolic work has been wrested right out of plumb, or proportion, and alcohol is (wrongly) believed to rebalance it.”)

Trying to balance vice, borderline mental illness, and a disregard for the real world in favor of fictitious ones is perhaps a noble but Sisyphusian act for many writers. Try as they might, the greatest creatives in history have too much neuroscience working against them, too many ideas fluttering around their minds.

It would be cliché to quote Jack Kerouac in saying, “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved”—and yet it is a platitude for a reason. The most fascinating people in history, the ones who make a difference, who create, might be depressed, perhaps miserable romantics, yet they have contributed more to society than many of them ever knew.

In fact, Fitzgerald died thinking he was a failure. He was in Hollywood doing “hack work” while his wife was in a Swiss sanitarium, and he often felt as though he were holding the ashes of his life in his hands. Only 44 years old but looking weathered and much older, he sat in his armchair listening to Beethoven, scribbling in the Princeton Alumni Weekly and munching on a Hershey Bar. It was a wintery morning in 1940, and as if propelled by a ghost, he leapt from his chair, grasped at the mantle piece, and collapsed on the floor. He died from a heart attack.

Zelda was too ill to make it to her husband’s funeral, but only a few months before, she had written to Scott with surprising lucidity, “I love you anyway—even if there isn’t any me or any love or even any life—I love you.”

She knew that they were mad, that their creativity and vice and entirely unique perspective on the world would be both their greatest high and their most agonizing low. To the letter, she added, “Nothing could have survived our life.”

by Edward Platt
Article from http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/

handling disappointment: 5 tricks to get you by

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 03 May 2014 03:20:00 +0000

Article from http://www.positivelypresent.com/

"If you don't like something, change it.

If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

Mary Englebreit

This weekend a lot of people on the East Coast are facing disappointment. With a huge hurricane barreling up the coast, plans are being cancelled, places are being shut down, people are being evacuated, and events are being rescheduled. Up and down the coast, people are realizing that whatever weekend plans they made are going to have to be put aside or forgotten altogether.

I myself had some weekend plans that may or may not happen now that a tropical storm is heading my way and, like many of my fellow east coasters, I've felt more than one wave of disappointment over the past day or so. I probably won't be going to the museum I was looking forward to checking out. I probably won't be able to do all of the writing I had in mind (chances are, the power will go out and writing by hand just doesn't work out so well for me...). I probably won't be able to enjoy one of the few summer weekends we have left by spending time outdoors.

Most likely, this weekend will be a wash. A two-day parade of mini-disappointments. But, hey, that's life, right? Even if you're the luckiest girl or guy in the world, you're bound to encounter some disappointment in your life. Whether it be a rained-out weekend, a crush that didn't turn into a relationship, a job opportunity that didn't work out, or an accomplishment that didn't quite come to fruition, we've all suffered from setbacks. During times of disappointment, it can be pretty darn hard to see the silver lining. The negativity comes looming in and the positive thoughts are cast in shadows of negativity. Focusing on the positive seems like the hardest thing in the world to do when faced with a disappointment -- especially a big one -- but, hard as it might be, it's still possible to focus on the good things in your life even when you're battling a loss.

5 Tips for Handling Disappointment

1. Let yourself feel let down. It's okay to feel letdown. Even if it's a small thing (like me not going to the museum this weekend), allow yourself to experience whatever it is that you're feeling. Big or small, disappointments are not fun. You're allowed to be unhappy about them. But don't dwell on that unhappiness. Experience it, sit with it for a bit, and then move forward to #2. Allowing the disppointment to bring you down will do nothing positive for you, so don't let it hold you back for too long.

2. Get some perspective and see the big picture. No matter how hard it might seem, you have to take a step back and get some perspective. If you're facing a small disappointment, this is fairly easy. For example, I might be bummed that the power's likely to go out, but I can be grateful for all of the wonderful things I still have that don't involve electricity (love, health, etc.). When faced with a big disappointment, perspective can be tough to come by so don't be afraid to recruit loved ones to help you see the big picture. And, for added inspiration, make a list of everything going right in your life.

3. See if there's something you can change. As the quote above says, if you're unhappy with something, the first thing you should do is try to change it. Sometimes the initial sting of a disappointment makes us feel helpless, but on closer inspection we might find that there is, in fact, something we can do to prevent or lessen the disappointment. Give some thought to what's really at the heart of your disappointed feelings and see if you can seek satisfaction, inspiration, or motivation elsewhere. If you know there is nothing at all you can do, move on to #4.

4. Revise your thinking if change isn't an option. Once you've determined that there is nothing you can do to change the situation, you're best option is to change the way you see things. It's quite tempting to wallow in self-pity and despair when things are going as you'd hoped, but no good can come from doing that. If you want to handle your disappointment in a positive way, you have to change your thinking. Consider the disappointing situation carefully and find a way to re-frame it in your mind. Make a list of why this disappointment is actually a positive thing and you'll start to see the situation from a new perspective.

5. Believe in your ability to have hope. When facing disappointments, it's so easy to be beaten down, to believe that situations are hopeless, and to give up the belief that things will eventually work out. No matter what you do, don't let your let down bring you completely down. Keep reminding yourself to have hope and know that, despite the fresh pain of a new disappointment, you always have the ability to hope for good things coming your way in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe in hope.

No matter you're facing, no matter how hard it is, don't forget that you are not alone. Every day people face disappointments of all kinds -- from a tiny missed opportunity to a life-altering letdown -- and every day people overcome these difficulties and move forward with their lives. Initially it might seem difficult, but handling disappointments well is an essential part of living a positive life. If you want to live positively in the present moment, you must let go of life's letdowns and focus on the good things in your life. Easy? Not always. Essential? Absolutely. With any luck, the five tips above will help you to stay focused on the now and make the most of your life -- no matter what disappointments come your way.

How do you handle disappointments in your life?

What tips would you offer someone struggling with a major let down?

Update: I wrote this article before the storm arrived and, much to my surprise, it wasn't nearly as bad as the weatherpeople had predicted. We lost our power only briefly and on Sunday I was able to visit the Kandinsky art exhibit (crossing that off my list of 28 Things To Do Before I Turn 29!). Having this happen reminded me that we often anticipate disappointments before they have happened. Sometimes (actually, a lot of the time!) the things we worry about or anticipate being disappointed over never actually happen. I will definitely be keeping that in mind the next time I think a disappointment is coming my way!

Article from http://www.positivelypresent.com/

What Are Your Longtime Interests or Passions?

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 11:06:00 +0000

By SHANNON DOYNE
April 22, 2014, 5:05 am
From http://learning.blogs.nytimes.com/

Do you root for a certain team? Is there a movie you constantly watch, a book you read over and over, a band you love more than all others?

When did it start?

In the Sunday Review piece “They Hook You When You’re Young,” Seth Stephens-Davidowitz argues exactly that:

The most important year in a boy’s baseball life is indeed age 8. If a team wins a World Series when a boy is 8, it increases the probability that he will support the team as an adult by about 8 percent. Remember, this is independent of how good the team was every other year of this guy’s life. Things start falling off pretty fast after the age of about 14. A championship when a man is 20 is only one-eighth as likely to create an adult fan as a championship when a boy is 8. Just winning games also matters, with a similar age pattern. But the data shows that there seems to be something really special about winning championships.

These results mean a successful team leaves a huge imprint long after all the players are retired. Consider a team like the St. Louis Cardinals. In a five-year period in the 1940s, led by Stan Musial, the Cardinals averaged more than 100 wins a season and won three championships. According to my model, roughly 20 percent of 80-year-old male Cardinals fans today would either support another team or not be a baseball fan if not for Musial and his teammates’ epic run. …

I am obsessed with the Mets and this obsession, I suspect, plays a large part in my persistent disappointment with adult life. The Mets of the Dwight Gooden-Darryl Strawberry era hooked me as a boy, dangling in front of me the diving plays of Keith Hernandez at first, the dramatic escapes of Jesse Orosco on the mound and the surprising power of Howard Johnson at third. I assumed that being a Mets fan meant a lifetime of pennant races and championships. But after I became an adult, the Mets delivered more losses than wins and no additional championships.

The data shows that if I had just been born 10 years earlier or 10 years later, I would be significantly less likely to be in this mess. I could be out celebrating Derek Jeter’s farewell tour, instead of lying by my radio, listening to another Mets loss, clutching my Rey Ordóñez-signed mitt.

You could say this is my fault and nothing to complain about. I am a grown man and can choose whatever baseball team I’d like. But data analysis makes it clear that fandom is highly influenced by events in our childhood. If something captures us in our formative years, it often has us hooked for life.

Students: Read the entire article, then tell us …

— Do you think you or people you know are “hooked for life” on a team or other interest like a musician, writer or actor? If so, why?

— Have family members helped you get into something you are passionate about? If so, what?

— Do you identify with Mr. Stephens-Davidowitz’s descriptions of his baseball fandom? Does he remind you of anyone you know who roots for the same or another team?

— How do people bond over shared interest in a team or other pursuit?

Students 13 and older are invited to comment below. Please use only your first name. For privacy policy reasons, we will not publish student comments that include a last name.

SHANNON DOYNE
April 22, 2014, 5:05 am
From http://learning.blogs.nytimes.com/

7 Ways to Overcome Disappointment

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:37:00 +0000

By THERESE J. BORCHARD
Associate Editor
Article from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/

“We would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world,” wrote Helen Keller.

How I wish she were wrong. Disappointments leave us with the unpleasant task of squashing, crushing, and pinching lemons to extract any and all juice. Here, then, are a few of my techniques to turn sour into sweet, to try my best to overcome disappointment.

1. Throw Away the Evidence

Albert Einstein failed his college entrance exam. Walt Disney was fired from his first media job. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. Get it?

2. Stay in the Mud

“The lotus flower blooms most beautifully from the deepest and thickest mud,” says a Buddhist proverb, just in case you thought all crap was bad.

3. Make a Pearl

Allow your disappointment to form a pearl just as an oyster does when an irritating grain of sand gets inside its shell, but grab the pearl before the sand gets in your eyes.

4. Ignore the Critics

Success is one percent talent, 99 perspiration. Take it from a writer whose eighth-grade paper was read aloud as an example of how NOT to write.

5. Grow Your Roots

Although the bamboo is the fastest-growing plant on Earth, it looks lazy at first because there is no branching … just growing lots of deep and wide roots. At the right time, though, the evergreen is capable of surging as fast as 48 inches in 24 hours. So are we … if we grow strong roots.

6. Persevere

“The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.” –Author Unknown

7. Don’t Rush the Process

Only in struggling to emerge from a small hole in the cocoon does a butterfly form wings strong enough to fly. Should you try to help a butterfly by tearing open the cocoon, the poor thing won’t sprout wings, or if it does, its friends will make fun of it.

THERESE J. BORCHARD
Associate Editor
Article from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/

The Christian Response to Disappointment

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 15 May 2013 11:28:00 +0000

Learn How to Respond to Disappointment as a Christian

From Jack Zavada

Article from http://christianity.about.com/

The Christian life can sometimes feel like a roller coaster ride when strong hope and faith collide with an unexpected reality. When our prayers aren't answered as we desired and our dreams become shattered, disappointment is the natural result. Jack Zavada examines "The Christian Response to Disappointment" and offers practical advice for turning disappointment in a positive direction, moving you closer to God.

The Christian Response to Disappointment

If you're a Christian, you're well-acquainted with disappointment.

All of us, whether new Christians or lifelong believers, battle feelings of disappointment when life goes wrong. Deep down, we think that following Christ should give us special immunity against trouble. We're like Peter, who tried to remind Jesus, "We have left everything to follow you." (Mark 10:28).

Maybe we haven't left everything, but we have made some painful sacrifices. Doesn't that count for something? Shouldn't that give us a free pass when it comes to disappointment?

You already know the answer to that. As we’re each struggling with our own private setbacks, godless people seem to be thriving. We wonder why they’re doing so well and we’re not. We fight our way through loss and disappointment and wonder what’s going on.

Asking the Right Question

After many years of hurts and frustration, I finally realized that the question I should ask God isn't "Why, Lord?" but rather, "What now, Lord?"

Asking “What now, Lord?” instead of “Why, Lord?” is a hard lesson to learn. It's hard to ask the right question when you’re feeling disappointed. It's hard to ask when your heart is breaking. It's hard to ask “What now?” when your dreams have been shattered.

But your life will begin to change when you start asking God, "What would you have me do now, Lord?" Oh sure, you’ll still feel angry or disheartened by disappointments, but you’ll also discover that God is eager to show you what he wants you to do next. Not only that, but he’ll equip you with everything you need to do it.

Where to Take Your Heartaches

In the face of trouble, our natural tendency is not to ask the right question. Our natural tendency is to complain. Unfortunately, griping to other people rarely helps solve our problems. Instead, it tends to drive people away. Nobody wants to hang around a person who has a self-pitying, pessimistic outlook on life.

But we can't just let it go. We need to pour our heart out to someone. Disappointment is too heavy a burden to bear. If we let disappointments pile up, they lead to discouragement. Too much discouragement leads to despair. God doesn’t want that for us. In his grace, God asks us to take our heartaches to him.

If another Christian tells you that it's wrong to gripe to God, just send that person to the Psalms. Many of them, like Psalms 31, 102 and 109, are poetic accounts of hurts and grievances. God listens. He'd rather have us empty our heart to him than keep that bitterness inside. He is not offended by our discontent.

Complaining to God is wise because he's capable of doing something about it, while our friends and relations may not be. God has the power to change us, our situation, or both. He knows all the facts and he knows the future. He knows exactly what needs to be done.

The Answer to 'What Now?'

When we pour out our hurt to God and find the courage to ask him, "What do you want me to do now, Lord?," we can expect him to answer. He will communicate through another person, our circumstances, instructions from him (very rarely), or through his Word, the Bible.

The Bible is such an important guidebook that we should immerse ourselves in it regularly. It's call the Living Word of God because its truths are constant yet they apply to our changing situations. You can read the same passage at different times in your life and get a different answer--a relevant answer--from it every time. That is God speaking through his Word.

Seeking God's answer to "What now?" helps us grow in faith. Through experience, we learn that God is trustworthy. He can take our disappointments and work them for our good. When that happens, we come to the staggering conclusion that the all-powerful God of the universe is on our side.

No matter how painful your disappointment may be, God's answer to your question of "What now, Lord?" always begins with this simple command: "Trust me. Trust me."

Jack Zavada

Article from http://christianity.about.com/

8 healthy ways to cope with your emotions

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Mon, 13 May 2013 13:14:00 +0000

By Julie Revelant
Healthy Mama
Published May 12, 2013
Article from FoxNews.com

Some days you’re so sleep deprived, stressed out and overwhelmed that you feel like you might just lose your cool. But instead of having your own meltdown, read on for eight simple and effective ways you can deal with your feelings and find your inner Zen.

1. Realize that emotions are natural.

As a child, you probably learned that expressing emotions wasn’t acceptable behavior with messages like “big girls don’t cry,” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.” Yet “emotions are just pure physiology in the body,” said Jude Bijou, a licensed marriage and family therapist, educator, and author of Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life. And all feelings are rooted in just three emotions: anger, sadness and fear. Expressing them is perfectly normal, even healthy, Bijou said.

2. Have a Plan B.

Tantrums, meltdowns and sibling fights are inevitable, but if you anticipate and plan ahead, you’ll be more equipped to handle tough situations, according to Nicole Knepper, a licensed clinical professional counselor and author of Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind. Some ideas: throw your tantruming tot into the bath and let him or her play while you take your own time out or take a trip to the park during the witching hour.

3. Adjust your expectations.

If you’re trying to be the perfect mom and follow every piece of advice you hear, you’ll only set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. Instead, reevaluate and do what’s realistic for your family. “Don’t think about how it should be; look at how it is,” Knepper said.

4. Check out.

Stuck at home with the kids on a rainy day? Set the kids up with any activity and take a 20 minute break to read a magazine, take a bath or call a friend. “Any way that you find brings you comfort and support, take it,” Knepper said.

5. Laugh it off.

According to a recent Oxford University study, a good belly laugh releases mood-boosting endorphins and can even help relieve pain. “It’s OK to see the fun in the dysfunction,” Knepper said, “because if you don’t, you will set yourself up for an absolute crack up.”

6. Release the energy.

Counting to 10 or taking deep breaths are surprisingly ineffective ways to deal with emotions, but moving the energy out of the body in a physical way—much like a child does—is. “It breaks that grip that the emotions have on you,” Bijou said.

So if you’re angry, push your hand against the door jam, stomp your feet on the floor, pound your fist into the mattress or just say, “Ughh!” If you’re feeling blue, have a good cry. For fear, instead of tightening up your body, shake and shiver it out. Are the kids around? Go into another room or explain that you’re upset and that it will pass in a minute.

7. Learn acceptance.

It’s hard to discipline your child when your emotions are running high, but if you accept his or her behavior in the moment, it will be much easier to communicate the way you want him or her to act. “Rather [than saying] ‘She should be different,’ say, ‘That’s the way she is.’ Re-orient your thinking into acceptance rather than expectation,” Bijou said.

8. Get help.

Twenty-eight percent of stay at home moms and 17 percent of working moms say they’re depressed, according to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index. If you feel like you just can’t get a handle on your emotions, reach out to family or friends for support or seek professional help.

Julie Revelant is a freelance writer specializing in parenting, health, food and women's issues and a mom. Learn more about Julie at revelantwriting.com

Julie Revelant
Healthy Mama
Published May 12, 2013
Article from FoxNews.com

Guest: Thanking my son’s other mother on Mother’s Day

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 11 May 2013 08:57:00 +0000

Originally published Friday, May 10, 2013 at 4:19 PM

On Mother’s Day, I will celebrate the other mother who made this day possible for my family, writes guest columnist Christina Darden Hjort.

By Christina Darden Hjort

Special to The Times

Article from http://seattletimes.com/html/opinion/2020963347_chrisinadardenhjortopedxml.html

SUNDAY is my first Mother’s Day — officially.

But honestly, every day has been Mother’s Day since November 12.

That’s the day our son came into the world.

My husband and I had been in San Francisco visiting friends when the call came.

Despite waiting four years for a domestic adoption, we were hardly prepared for the news on the other line:

“Get to Boise, now! Your son is being born today!”

Years of hoping, waiting, praying, wondering if this moment would ever happen, were forgotten in the second I held Samuel in my arms.

And since that day, my gratitude and wonder at this incredible gift have only grown.

Each morning, my joy is rekindled when Samuel greets me with his big dimpled smile. And when he falls asleep in my arms at night, his face pressed tightly to my chest, my heart swells with thankfulness.

So, yes, this Mother’s Day will be a sweet celebration.

But it’s been a long time in coming, and not without some scars.

Miscarriages, failed pregnancies and false starts left my husband and I weary. But so, too, did the tumultuous and often disappointing journey through adoption, as I chronicled in a Seattle Times guest column last year, “Happy Mother’s Day, Jenna.”

Still, my hope is that it has left me a bit more sensitive toward others for whom this particular day is salt in an already open wound. Although I’ll be delighted to finally call myself “Mommy,” I am acutely aware that somewhere in Idaho is a young woman I fear will be hurting Sunday — reminded once again of all the “might have beens” and aching for the beautiful boy I hold in my arms and now call my own.

Separated from her father by prison, and her mother by drugs, it seems Britt didn’t get a very fair shot in life. So when she found herself pregnant at 18, she was faced with a difficult decision. In the end, she made what I consider to be the bravest and most selfless of choices: She chose for her son — our son — a different life than the one she’d known, one with parents to bathe him with kisses, comfort him up when he falls, surround him with love and encouragement, and just simply be there, forever.

These days, most adoptions are varying degrees of an open relationship between the biological mom and the adoptive parents. But while Britt chose us to adopt her child, she elected not to meet us, talk to us by phone or even hold her child after he was born. It was her way of coping.

And who am I to judge? She did the best she could to deal with the situation, having little support and no mother of her own to comfort or hold her.

I think about her often. I wonder how she is, and if she thinks much about Samuel.

I hope she’s at peace with her decision, and feels content in knowing he is not just cared for, but treasured. Not just growing, but thriving. Not just loved, but absolutely adored.

I am so very grateful.

Life without this happy, sweet child seems impossible to imagine. But I also know he came to us at a high cost. Because our greatest gain was her greatest loss.

I will never forget that, and it’s what I will tell Samuel when he is old enough to understand.

How the selfless act of this young woman I didn’t know, made us all the family we always longed to be.

There is truth in the saying that mothers are made, not born.

But every time I look at this precious boy Sunday, I will also be celebrating the other mother who made Mother’s Day possible for my family.

Thank you Britt.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

Thank you for the beautiful child now sleeping soundly beside me.

And thank you for making Sunday, and every day, Mother’s Day.

Christina Darden Hjort is an award-winning TV and radio producer, now living in Seattle.

Christina Darden Hjort

Special to The Times
Article from http://seattletimes.com/html/opinion2020963347_chrisinadardenhjortopedxml.html

Disappointments, Relationships, and Coping

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 09 May 2013 08:55:00 +0000

Written by Dr. Jacqueline B. Sallade,
Community blogger | Apr 21, 2013 9:32 PM
From http://www.witf.org/mental-health/2013/04/disappointments-relationships-and-coping.php

Thinking about the many new amputees going through the trauma of loss, pain, reorientation and life transition and hoping that they will learn to survive, cope and live well brings such a perspective to many of life's other problems.

For example, I'm aware of several marital disappointments going on in my circle of patients and friends, maybe even my own life. We're all getting older and have to deal with health issues and energy loss. Some experience tempatations and distractions which interfere with their marriages. Our friends suffer from a variety of diseases, personality problems and health crises which scare us for the future.

Then, there are those on medications which interact badly. Our visions of growing older gracefully, of staying young forever, or of never-failing romance and passion have been sadly shattered. Compared to the amputees, all of these problems count for nothing. But, each one's pain and suffering is significant and relevant, important and maybe even life-changing, in its own way.

So, for the amputees and for the marital crises, for the problems of aging and the difficulties of relationship change, there are choices, as always--to become perssimistic and give up, to hang on to all that is good and work around the negative, to find whatever therapies and solutions can help, and to focus on commitment, companionship, sensitivity, compensation, and happy surprises.

Written by Dr. Jacqueline B. Sallade,
Community blogger | Apr 21, 2013 9:32 PM
From http://www.witf.org/mental-health/2013/04/disappointments-relationships-and-coping.php

The Champion’s Way: Overcoming Disappointment

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 07 May 2013 03:31:00 +0000

AUGUST 1, 2012 BY BEVERLY
From http://beverlyspeaks.com/2608/overcoming-disappointment-the-champions-way/

Jordyn Wieber, the 16 year old Olympic Gymnast who helped power the U.S. team to a gold medal yesterday has illustrated to the world how beauty can come from ashes when we choose to press in for the prize. It’s unusual to see one so young push through disappointment the way she did after failing to qualify on Sunday for the opportunity to compete for an individual medal. I daresay her attitude is one of the reasons she’s a champion.

Napoleon Hill taught, “Every adversity carries within it the seed of equal or greater benefit”. There’s a big “IF” that determines whether this becomes a manifest truth in your life or just a nice thought. The benefit is magnetized to you “IF” you position yourself for the reward through a good attitude and positive expectancy. If your head is hanging too low and you become a whino*, you’ll miss the reward.

I love what Jordyn’s mom has to say about her daughter’s ability to handle the pressure of the 2012 Olympics. ”We try to use a lot of humor in every situation because that’s how you get through life,” she says. Laughter is good medicine when dealing with failure. I’ve learned that the ability to laugh at oneself is an awesome asset and helps you move on.

I’m going for the gold in my destiny. I love the lessons found in the lives of Olympic champions that remind me to stay positioned for the big wins by responding correctly to what could be crushing disappointments.

What reward is right around the corner for you? What are you commited to accomplish with a “no turning back” attitude? There’s no prize if there’s no pressing on.

From Beverly’s Personal Dictionary:

*Whino- wine-o One who murmurs and complains.

AUGUST 1, 2012 BY BEVERLY
From http://beverlyspeaks.com/2608/overcoming-disappointment-the-champions-way/

Nobel laureate Nadine Gordimer: 'I have failed at many things, but I have never been afraid'

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 21:24:00 +0000

Justin Cartwright interviews his fellow South African novelist about secrecy, violence, and 'sumptuous breakfasts' with Nelson Mandela.

Article from The Telegraph

By Justin Cartwright2:37PM BST 12 Apr 2012

Nadine Gordimer in London in March 2012 Photo: Andrew Crowley

She is very small and at 88, still very beautiful but she appears alarmingly insubstantial, almost weightless. Absurdly, I feel protective of Nadine Gordimer. When I was growing up in Johannesburg, she lived just two streets away; the penumbra of her fame fell on our small house, lower down the hill. And when I started to write, I found it hard to shake the lyrical style she then employed.

Now, decades later, I wonder if she believes a life of engagement dangerous opposition has been worth it. The question arises because, 18 years after the first free elections, Gordimer has the regime of Jacob Zuma in her sights. She wants it understood that South Africa has a wonderful constitution and a world-class Bill of Rights. All that is required is that these should be honoured; they are South Africa’s secular religion, but the government with its Protection of State Information Bill – aka The Secrecy Bill – is intent on subverting them. The bill is a sham designed to hide widespread corruption, by giving any organ of the state the ability to decide what constitutes the protection of state information; ministers will be able to prosecute and jail offenders.

Raymond Louw, distinguished former editor of the Rand Daily Mail, has described it as “worse than anything under apartheid. The powers the government is taking to curb the press are far wider now and the powers given to the minister of state security are greater”. And this is what Nadine Gordimer wants to speak about, rather than her new novel, No Time Like the Present.

When I last interviewed her more than 15 years ago she was a loyal member of the ANC and saw it as much more than a political party. I remind her that I was there to film her voting at the local Anglican church in the first free elections of l994. She says that even now she feels goose bumps and shivers as we recall that wonderful day. To her it was a miracle that black servants were in the same line as their white masters.

Now I ask her if we were naive in believing that everything would change for the better. It is a mostly disingenuous question because I never believed in the ANC’s integrity, and I have anyway lived in England most of my adult life. She says: “We were naive, because we focused on removing the apartheid government and never thought deeply enough about what would follow.”

Although she is reluctant to speak about her book, there is a connection because No Time Like the Present is – as is the case with most of her novels – closely entwined with current issues in South Africa and reflects her new and profound disillusionment. The mixed marriage and activist couple at the centre of her story are aware that freedom demanded everything, including the downgrading of the nuclear family. There is plenty of discussion of “the normal life, the one that never was” – a life where the personal comes first. We talk of Bram Fischer, and of Joe Slovo and his wife Ruth First – “the wonderful Slovos”, as she describes them.

Gordimer dismisses the notion that her novels are closely concerned with politics. She says: “You accept or reject the influences around you, you are formed by your social enclosure and you are always growing. To be a writer is to enter into public life. I look upon our process as writers as discovery of life.” It strikes me that her approach is the obverse of John Updike’s: he said that by close examination of the ordinary, a writer aims to make it extraordinary. Gordimer starts with the big issues and assembles the characters to speak to them. She is constantly aware – and this, I think, intensifies her disappointment – that black South Africans are still suffering poverty and unemployment. She identifies lack of education and particularly a lack of a clear understanding of English as major problems for her country.

In a recent essay, “The Image and the Word”, she wrote that literacy is far more than being able to read a comic book “while unable to understand the vocabulary of a poem or follow in prose literature the meaningful variations of syntax, the use of words in ways that open up new depths of self- comprehension”.

In South Africa now, public discourse is crippled by the fact that the apartheid generation was denied a decent education and because teachers were, and are, of a very low standard as a result. At the same time Gordimer says that in order to understand the South African experience, it is essential to listen to what black writers have been saying. But the two names she comes up with are pretty familiar, and certainly nobody to come close to Chinua Achebe. She says of South African novels in general, “I have been a little disappointed in the novels that have come out. They do not deal with today.” Dealing with today has been her life’s work.

Despite the death of her beloved husband, Reinhold Cassirer, in 2001, and the frightening robbery she endured five years later, Gordimer still lives in the leafy old suburb where she has always lived, in a lovely Herbert Baker house. Her way of coping after Cassirer’s death was to carry on as before, living in the same house and remembering him.

During the robbery, she and her housekeeper were dragged upstairs and her housekeeper was punched and kicked when she started screaming. The red mist fell and Gordimer shouted at the robbers that the housekeeper was old enough to be their grandmother, and they stopped. Both women were locked in a cupboard as the robbers left. When I ask her about the attack Gordimer replies that she was completely calm, and that she thought, “Oh well, it’s my turn to experience what so many others have.” She says: “I have failed at many things, but I have never been afraid.”

Reluctantly, she has had the perimeter of her house and garden electrified. I had heard people say that maybe this would bring her down from Olympus; she acknowledges that some people thought she deserved it, although the logic of this is obscure. Typically, Gordimer’s view is that the young men who robbed her were sent by gangs when what they really needed was work and an education.

Nelson Mandela has a large house not far from Gordimer’s. I ask her if it is true that when he first separated from Winnie, Mandela was lonely and would sometimes call to ask himself to dinner. She says it is. Her relationship with Mandela has manifestly been of immense importance to her, perhaps the defining experience of her whole life. She met him first through the journalist Anthony Sampson when he was on trial, and later with his wonderful lawyer, George Bizos. She and Bizos used to meet Mandela for “sumptuous breakfasts”. On the anniversary of his release from jail recently she saw Mandela for what she thinks will be the last time. They sat together for an hour or more.

Would she have preferred a quieter life, I ask, “the normal life, the one that never was”? She says emphatically that she wouldn’t. As we part I am moved: I know that she means it and I know she will fight this cause – unafraid – to the end, and probably win.

'No Time Like the Present' (Bloomsbury) is available from Telegraph Books for £16.99 + £1.25 p&p

'Other People’s Money' by Justin Cartwright is available for £7.99 + 99p p&p

Article from The Telegraph

Looking at life's disappointment leads to new personal insights

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:41:00 +0000

By JaNae Francis

Standard-Examiner staff

Fri, 04/06/2012 - 4:42pm

Article from Standard.Net

There is an idea in many religious teachings and spiritual beliefs that all things in life are for our growth and learning.

That's an overwhelming thought for me, because there are a lot of circumstances from which it is hard for my mind to derive any good. After all, death and sin are a constant dilemma in our society.

And yet, so the teaching goes.

I decided to test this theory by exploring the possibility that one of my life's greatest disappointments might actually be a source of strength to me.

I was born to a father with schizophrenia, a mental condition marked by delusions and an inability to connect fully with reality.

According to "Coping with Schizophrenia: A Guide for Families" (New Harbinger Publications, Inc., $13.95), it is unusual for people with schizophrenia to become violent, but it does sometimes happen.

The severity of symptoms, the book states, may be minimized through medication and efforts to keep the person with the disorder in an environment with minimal stress.

My father's condition took him away mentally. He was never there for those long talks and sometimes unappreciated advice I've seen my husband offer our own daughters and sons.

My feelings about my father's psychological absence have been a source of sadness, especially when I've watched others receive what I missed.

When people who know him now that he has dementia tell me how sweet he must have been in my youth, I feel angry, and I have to talk myself out of those thoughts. I work to let go of my wounds to quit being mad.

Looking back, I don't recall him ever really parenting or disciplining me. Besides one recent compliment, I don't remember him ever finding a way to draw close to me with flattering or pleasing words.

I had to rely on my subconscious mind to tell me that he cared. I had to know it intrinsically. I must confess that I never appreciated the power of that lesson until I put myself through this exercise.

Lately, I've come to appreciate the skill that keeps me employed - writing.

While people often tell me how afraid they would be to stare each day at a blank screen, I seldom face that concern.

In fact, my only real problem seems to be deciding what to leave out of a newspaper article, because there is always so much to say when I go to write things down.

And my best writing always seems to come after I have slept at least one night while concentrating on my project.

Sometimes I don't even know that I'm writing, and I wake up with the outline of what I need to say already in my mind. It's a race to get to a pen and paper or to a computer keyboard before all is lost.

Then there are other times when I do my writing while carrying on a conversation. I've even written articles while lecturing my children on one subject or another, such as telling them how rude I think they are when they interrupt my writing.

There are other peculiarities about my personality, too. Sometimes people tell me things that I already seem to just know. I frequently finish sentences for strangers I am interviewing for a story. And I seem to be able to predict what someone is really like before I meet them.

Someone once described all of this behavior to me as "intrinsic thinking."

It was in pondering this statement that I learned to be grateful for what I had seen as a flaw in my dad.

It was through his weakness, after all, that I had learned my greatest strength.

It was through the challenge he had created that I had gained my greatest reward.

Article from Standard.Net

Life and other catastrophes

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 11:27:00 +0000

3 April, 2012 10:34AM AEST

Article from ABC Net

Love, relationships, family and friendships with Professor Jane Fisher on Drive with Rafael Epstein

Do you ever get the feeling that life is full of unexpected challenges - the joys, disappointments and the occasional crossroad made a bit more complicated by the speed humps, diversions and jams?

This segment's just for you - taking you through the various complications we find in our daily lives.

Each Monday at 3:30pm on 774 Melbourne's Drive with Rafael Epstein you're invited to join the conversation with Jean Hailes Professor of Women's Mental Health at Monash University for Life and Other Catastrophes.

Together, Rafael and Jane explore the rollercoaster of life: from how to bring up and deal with sensitive matters in our daily lives - having a baby, who does which bit of the unpaid work, how to help teenagers use alcohol safely or how to cope with infertility - to practical everday suggestions for dealing issues like managing unsettled and crying babies, managing difficult relationships with the grownups in your life or the challenges and benefits of life as a happily single person.

Drop in, pour yourself a cuppa and get involved with the discussion each Monday as Rafael and Jane wrestle with the issues which complicate and sometimes dominate our lives - and feel free to drop us a line for your own suggestions on which topic we should tackle next.

Life and other catastrophes - where life really is about the journey and not just the destination.

Episode six - Putting your restless baby to sleep

There is no sleep deprivation like the sleep deprivation provided by a crying baby. So how do you stop your baby from crying, and should you? Is this what you need?

Rafael and Jane discuss the best tips for soothing a screaming baby to sleep. A good night's sleep is on the way.

Episode five - Fertility clock ticks for men too

Did you know weight, alcohol and exercise have a dramatic impact on your fertility? New research shows men and women often over estimate their ability to conceive.

Rafael, Professor Jane Fischer and Dr Karin Hammarberg, from the Victorian Assisted Treatment Authority, discuss how age and lifestyle factors can affect the fertility of men and women. Your Fertility is a campaign aimed at increasing Australians' knowledge about how age and lifestyle factors affect their fertility.

Episode four - Choosing a partner based on physical attraction

How important is physical attraction in your relationship?

Rafael and Professor Jane Fischer discuss the impact of physical appearance on looking for love and maintaining relationships.

Episode three - Educating children about the dangers of drug and alcohol use

Are you worried about broaching the topic of drugs and alcohol with your children?

Rafael, Jane Fischer and Geoff Munro, Policy Director for the Australian Drug Foundation, discuss why educating your children about drugs and alcohol is so important.

Episode three - Educating children about the dangers of drug and alcohol use

Are you worried about broaching the topic of drugs and alcohol with your children?

Rafael, Jane Fischer and Geoff Munro, Policy Director for the Australian Drug Foundation, discuss why educating your children about drugs and alcohol is so important.

Episode two - Single life

Are you married and reminiscing about singledom? Are you single and dreaming of a white wedding?

Rafael and Jane Fischer discuss whether couples are happier than their single friends.

Episode one - Parenting children with special needs

How would you cope if your child was diagnosed with a health condition or a disability?

Rafael and Jane Fischer discuss the complex and often surprising journey of parenting a child with special needs.

Article from ABC Net

Breaking up is hard to do ... but children must learn to cope

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 12:19:00 +0000

BY: FRANK FUREDI From: The Australian March 31, 2012 12:00AM

Article from The Australian

THE unrelenting expansion of the colonisation of childhood is one of the most far-reaching and potentially destructive forces at work in contemporary society. As a result of a regime of permanent panic about the perils of childhood, youngsters have lost the freedom of independent mobility, opportunities to engage with their peers and even to choose their own best friend.

Back in 1970, a study by the Australian Bureau of Statistics indicated that 84 per cent of children in primary, secondary and tertiary education walked, cycled or travelled by public transport to school. Forty years ago only 16 per cent went by car. Today the pattern of travel has almost totally reversed. A Heart Foundation study shows that 63 per cent of children are chauffeured to and from school. The sight of children cycling to school has become increasingly rare. They have been deprived of the opportunity to gain maturity and independence from making their own way to school.

Children's loss of freedom of the outdoors is only one casualty of the colonisation of their lives. But such visible symptoms of a regime of paranoid child protection represent only the tip of the iceberg. During the past two decades, virtually every dimension of children's experience has been redefined as potentially so risky that adult intervention is mandatory.

At first the focus of concern was the outdoors. Traffic and stranger-danger were cited as the reason why children's lives outdoors had to be monitored and constantly supervised. Then, as more and more children were confined to their digital bedrooms, the focus of anxiety shifted to the dangers of indoor life.

Suddenly children had to be protected from internet bullies and predators. Moreover, the new sedentary lifestyle imposed upon youngsters invited a preoccupation with childhood obesity and related health issues.

However, the most invasive and potentially damaging form of obsessive adult intervention is in the domain of children's emotional lives. Among professionals there is an implicit consensus that children are so incapable of dealing with disappointment and routine emotional distress that they need constant therapeutic guidance. This dogma has become so powerful that some child professionals actually argue that youngsters should not be free to choose their own best friends or be left to manage their own relationships.

A couple of weeks ago there was an outburst of surprise in England when it was revealed that numerous primary schools in southwest London had adopted a "no best friend policy". Teachers involved in this uber-zealous scheme argued that this policy saved children from the pain that comes from splitting up with their best friend. Some actually believe that they have the right to break up a close friendship and to instruct children to join a larger, "less inclusive" friendship circle.

The practice of policing children's choice of close buddies has being going on for some time. As is the case with most forms of paranoid child-related policies, the targeting of the bonds of friendship was invented in the US. For some time now, American experts have argued that youngsters should be discouraged from forming the classic best-friend bond.

Two years ago The New York Times reported that in numerous schools, teachers admitted that they "watch close friendships carefully for adverse effects". One school counsellor from St Louis stated: "We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends."

The idea that adults choosing friends for children is preferable to allowing youngsters to develop their own social bonds is frequently voiced by so-called experts.

This extension of adult involvement in children's lives is based on the claim that youngsters are so emotionally vulnerable to each other's pressure that they cannot be trusted to socialise on their own. In recent years the interaction between children has been rebranded as the toxic phenomenon of "peer pressure". In turn, peer pressure has become stigmatised as a threat to children's wellbeing. Thus, the impression that children do best when they have no mates is often conveyed.

Some Australian professionals are also in the business of involving themselves in children's social lives. The website of Health Direct Australia offers a warning about friendships on the grounds that they can play a "major role in making your life a misery, thereby affecting your mental health in a negative way".

It also offers several help lines that can be contacted in case you want to talk to a professional about how to make friends.

Making and losing friends is one of the most important experiences through which children learn about interacting with other people. Through the bonds they develop with each other, children develop social skills and learn to understand their own needs.

Of course, precisely because so much is at stake, friends can cause pain and emotional distress. But learning to live with rejection and disappointment is an inescapable dimension of a child's development. Some youngsters deal with emotional distress better than others. Parents and sympathetic adults can reassure them, but in the end children need to learn to deal with adversity.

The tragedy is that the policing of the emotional lives of children to protect them from their friends actually diminishes young people's capacity to develop resilience and maturity from their experience. Just as it is not the discovery of new threats to children that led to the closing down of the outdoors, so too it is not a sudden eruption of dysfunctional friendships that has encouraged the expansion of adult intervention in their social lives.

What drives the colonisation of childhood is the recycling of adults' unresolved issues through the lives of young people.

The truth is that peer pressure is no bad thing.

Without the pressure that children direct towards each other, young people would rarely test boundaries, learn to take risks and gain a measure of self-sufficiency.

These are values that are foundational for a tolerant and open society.

If we are to prepare children for freedom, then we could do worse than allow them to choose their friends.

Article from The Australian

Cope with life by trying to avoid focus on success vs. failure

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 10:26:00 +0000

Barry-Lee Coyne. Photographed Friday, March 14, 2008. THOMAS PATTERSON | Statesman Journal /

THOMAS PATTERSON | Statesman Journal

Written by

B. Lee Coyne

Article from statesmanjournal.com

5:18 PM, Mar. 28, 2012

Whenever one learns of a suicide of a friend or other, it sends out a ripple wave. One of my cherished friends recently reported such an event.

Many of us believe that death is determined by a Higher Power. Thus it may seem like heresy to contradict that entity above and take your fate literally into your own hands. Yet it does happen more often than we care to admit — that’s reality.

Suicide begins inside. It takes place through our discussions within our very beings. All of us have walls around us for protection to keep out others, and we largely decide for ourselves whom to screen out and whom to allow in. The chief reasons we may screen out others are pride and shame, two faces of the same coin. When we “lose face,” then in effect we lose ourselves.

All of us have an ideal established by years of experience. It constitutes our goals in life. Inevitably we never quite reach our full potential. That larger question becomes: How does this impact us? Do we interpret events that deny us being a total success as ones of being an “abject failure”?

Coping skills are shaped by our childhood and the pervasive influence of those who raised us. It is not only the interplay with parents but also the impact of siblings, cousins and aunts and uncles. How we fared among our peers plays a dominant role. Do we have the courage to define ourselves or do we abdicate that to a public opinion poll? The latter incurs peril.

Connectedness isn’t everything, but it is crucial in any society. Thus, when we feel a disconnect, we react. We are responding to writer John Donne’s warning: “No man is an island unto himself.”

Isolation can readily mean depression. Social rejection deepens the pain felt within. Some of us may have the inner determination not to yield and fall prey to the opinion of others, but others lack that drive. Disappointing oneself can be a speed bump or an avalanche. It is a matter of capacity to withstand the forces of adversity. Life’s cumulative experiences either can strengthen us or weaken us for such tender moments of reckoning.

Suicide is not simply a choice. It involves taking a stand when the world seems fearfully overwhelming. Coping skills are finite, something we are loath to admit. Whether that suicide comes from a returning soldier or a forlorn adolescent, that person’s interpretation of their future has turned to bleak. The life others savor has faded for them.

Their pain may well be more profound than we know. Let all of this be a cautionary tale for the rest of us not to get caught up in giving ourselves the dangerous daily report card of success vs. failure in this excessively competitive world. Finding that light in times of darkness is literally a matter of life or death.

B. Lee Coyne of Salem is a retired writer/

therapist. Email luckycoyne@yahoo.com.

Article from statesmanjournal.com

Why your teen may be failing: It could be as simple as a power struggle, as serious as depression or as timeless as love

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 10:51:00 +0000

By RHONDA RABOW, Postmedia News March 27, 2012
Article from Ottawa Citizen

Several reasons might explain why your teen is falling behind. If in earlier years, he had done well in school, this decline may be due to having difficulty with certain subjects.

Photograph by: Randy Pench , Sacramento Bee/MCT

For most parents, having their child do well in school is a priority.

We all want them to have the best opportunity in life, and many of us feel that education is the key. When their marks start to go down, our concerns start to go up, and we may not be able to handle our worries in the best possible way, thus creating a power struggle between parents and their teens.

I hear so many parents express frustration, anger and concern as to why their very bright and capable daughter or son is doing so poorly at school. Usually these concerns show up in high school at a crucial time when grades matter the most. The parents worry that their teen won’t get into the college of their choice, or worse yet, won’t get into university at all and will then end up with a poor paying job and a feeling of failure.

Several reasons might explain why your teen is falling behind. If in earlier years, he had done well in school, this decline may be due to having difficulty with certain subjects. This problem could be easily remedied with tutoring. The more challenging concern is when you know that your teen is capable but just not applying himself.

One reason your teen is less focused on his schoolwork could be due to a power struggle. Schoolwork is one of the few areas where your teen has full control. If your teen is feeling angry or resentful about your rules, your consequences or your pressuring him to study longer, this is the easiest place to take back his power and get his revenge. This can occur without your teen being consciously aware of why he is no longer motivated to do well. But in my experience, it doesn’t take long after I start asking questions and notice a small smile appearing on his face, for both of us to realize that it is payback time. I have even heard some teens admit that as much as they want to do well, they are so angry at their parents that they are ready to fail just to, as they put it, “get even.”

It’s not that these teens are vindictive and hateful, it is that they feel stressed and frustrated by the endless pressure they feel their parents continue to exert on them and they feel that this is their only way to assert themselves. How sad is that?

Another common reason for a decline in grades could be distraction due to peer pressure. For a teenager, his most important influence is his friends. At this time of his life, his parents take a back seat to being accepted and acknowledged by his peer group. If his friends are a bad influence or they think it’s not cool to do well, this could certainly affect your teen’s motivation to excel.

Another possibility could be that your teen has fallen “in love” for the first time. If this is your teen’s first serious relationship, he can be so focused on spending time with his new girlfriend that nothing else matters. Even so, there are steps you can take as parents to welcome this new person into the family and still have boundaries that permit your teen the time he needs to focus on schoolwork.

Another reason for marks to decline could be depression. Feeling like a failure, being bullied, not fitting in or feeling rejected, can affect teens deeply enough to develop into a depression. Remember, teens are also dealing with heightened hormones, questions about their identify and confusion about their feelings. They tend to be hypersensitive to situations that you might consider minor, but which could have devastating effects on their self-esteem and self-worth. If you suspect your teen is clinically depressed, please bring him to a doctor to be evaluated. He might need to be medicated for a short period of time, as well as receive some psychotherapy to help him through this difficult time.

The important thing for you to remember is whenever there is a significant change in your child’s behaviour, there is always a reason. I have suggested only a few but there are others, including changes in the home like tension between the parents, a move, re-marriage, a death or serious illness in the family. These are all situations that can affect your teen’s capacity to cope and may manifest in how he functions at school.

The good news is that once you find the reason for the change in behaviour, the problem can be fixed. With positive communication, good listening skills and the willingness to negotiate and find a win/win solution for all, these problems can dissolve and disappear. The challenge is for you to be able to sit down with your teen and have a calm conversation about what is going on in his life at this time. Don’t have the conversation when you’re feeling angry and worried after reading a disappointing report card. You must be ready to listen as well and communicate calmly and with an open mind. Being open to looking for solutions and understanding the reasons he is not applying himself will go far toward ending the power struggle and improving your relationship with your teen.

Rhonda Rabow is a psychotherapist in Montreal

Postmedia News

Article from Ottawa Citizen

Why your teen may be failing

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 11:17:00 +0000

It could be as simple as a power struggle, as serious as depression or as timeless as love

By RHONDA RABOW, The Gazette March 26, 2012 3:05 AM

Article from The Gazette

For most parents, having their child do well in school is a priority.

I hear so many parents express frustration, anger and concern as to why their very bright and capable daughter or son is doing so poorly at school. Usually these concerns show up in high school at a crucial time when grades matter the most. The parents worry that their teen won't get into the CEGEP of their choice, or worse yet, won't get into university and will then end up with a poor paying job and a feeling of failure.

One reason your teen is less focused on his schoolwork could be due to a power struggle. Schoolwork is one of the few areas where your teen has full control. If your teen is feeling angry or resentful about your rules, your consequences or your pressuring him to study longer, this is the easiest place to take back his power and get his revenge. This can occur without your teen being consciously aware of why he is no longer motivated to do well. But in my experience, it doesn't take long after I start asking questions and notice a small smile appearing on his face, for both of us to realize that it is payback time. I have even heard some teens admit that as much as they want to do well, they are so angry at their parents that they are ready to fail just to, as they put it, "get even."

It's not that these teens are vindictive and hateful, it is that they feel stressed and frustrated by the endless pressure they feel their parents continue to exert on them and they feel that this is their only way to assert themselves. How sad is that?

Another common reason for a decline in grades could be distraction due to peer pressure. For a teenager, his most important influence is his friends. At this time of his life, his parents take a back seat to being accepted and acknowledged by his peer group. If his friends are a bad influence or they think it's not cool to do well, this could certainly affect your teen's motivation to excel.

Another possibility could be that your teen has fallen "in love" for the first time. If this is your teen's first serious relationship, he can be so focused on spending time with his new girlfriend that nothing else matters. Even so, there are steps you can take as parents to welcome this new person into the family and still have boundaries that permit your teen the time he needs to focus on schoolwork.

The important thing for you to remember is whenever there is a significant change in your child's behaviour, there is always a reason. I have suggested only a few but there are others, including changes in the home like tension between the parents, a move, re-marriage, a death or serious illness in the family. These are all situations that can affect your teen's capacity to cope and may manifest in how he functions at school.

The good news is that once you find the reason for the change in behaviour, the problem can be fixed. With positive communication, good listening skills and the willingness to negotiate and find a win/win solution for all, these problems can dissolve and disappear. The challenge is for you to be able to sit down with your teen and have a calm conversation about what is going on in his life at this time. Don't have the conversation when you're feeling angry and worried after reading a disappointing report card. You must be ready to listen as well and communicate calmly and with an open mind. Being open to looking for solutions and understanding the reasons he is not applying himself will go far toward ending the power struggle and improving your relationship with your teen.

Rhonda Rabow is a psychotherapist in Montreal: info@rhondarabow.com or 514-626-4609.

Article from The Gazette

I miss my dear sister so much I just can't bear to go on living

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 02:07:00 +0000

By BEL MOONEY

PUBLISHED: 21:00 GMT, 23 March 2012 | UPDATED: 21:08 GMT, 23 March 2012

Article from Mail Online

DEAR BEL

Every day I wake up and pray: ‘Please God let today be a good day — don’t let me think that I want to die’.

Fifteen months ago, at the age of 56, my youngest sister died very suddenly of pneumonia.

The whole family is devastated. Our parents don’t really talk of her and I can’t believe she’s dead. I have to keep telling myself she is gone for ever.

Writing down cherished memories of loved ones who have died can help us be grateful for the lives they lived

I miss her so much. She was my best friend and confidante. We spoke almost every day on the phone, discussing everything, from fashion to politics.

We’d watch Newsnight and Question Time in our respective homes, with a glass of wine, then discuss them.

The hammer blow of her death made me feel a total waste of space. It’s made me realise how poor I am and how poor she was, that she left this world as poverty-stricken as when she came in. My life has been full of ‘what ifs?’.

I can’t afford to heat the house, pay the water rates etc. My whole family lives this struggle, but I never thought about it, I just got on with it. Now I am so angry, with her, with myself, with fate. I want to be rich and taste some of the fruits of wealth — the theatre, restaurants, foreign holidays and so on — before I die.

Last week I went to get a repeat HRT prescription and the nurse refused it, telling me I had to have a mammogram, because she could not live with herself if I had ‘something’. I went to the doctor (who put me on it) and asked for the full dose, but he refused, pontificating about risks. I don’t care about them.

I’m not coping. I nearly had a panic attack at the thought of not having my HRT. Basically, the nurse told me to ‘pull myself together’.

I cannot handle the stress. Everyone is telling me how bad-tempered I am — shouting at my children and grandchildren. I used to be so placid, now I feel like hitting someone.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up, but sadly I do, and it all begins again.

MARY

You sound so angry and desperate, I beg you to stop, sit down, take some deep breaths (yes, I do say that a lot, because it’s very important), and try to work along with me to disentangle all the pain in your letter.

It moves swiftly from grief, to self-hatred and regret, to angry discontentment over money, to fury at the whole HRT issue, to generalised stress, anger and despair. There’s so much going on here. What’s more, this letter begins and ends with a stated wish not to be alive — which I take seriously as a cry for help.

Your grief for your beloved sister is still very fresh, and I’m not sure you fully realise what that means. I hope no one around you is suggesting you ‘Move on’ or ‘Get over it’ because such (sadly common) ignorance of the effects of bereavement can be very damaging.

Your parents don’t talk about it, and I suspect the rest of the family keep buttoned-up too. That’s actually not healthy. You should let those tears flow. The fact that you feel so angry with everyone and everything can be traced back to the ‘hammer blow’ you had when you heard of your sister’s sudden death.

Yes, you may be menopausal and generally disappointed with life, but your black mood is due to the terrible loss.

Many experts on the subject now resist attaching the label ‘depression’ to what is actually grief — but the issue of what we call it doesn’t really matter.

I believe you urgently need to seek professional counselling, and your GP should be the first port of call. Perhaps you could try a different one in the practice, if possible.

You need to place the HRT issue within the context of your ongoing sense of loss. I’m not a medical journalist and this is no place to discuss HRT, but if you need some help (of whatever sort) to see you through this period, your GP must be made aware of the bigger context.

It would be good for you to contemplate a larger picture, too. Today’s ‘And Finally’ might give you pause for thought.

I also suggest you research online or at a library to see what resources are available near you, as well as what others feel and think.

A good starting point would be to find out about Cruse Bereavement Care and Bereavement UK — both have websites. Try to understand what’s going on, recognise that you need help and support and be gentle with yourself.

You describe a truly enviable relationship with your sister — one rich in conversation and closeness. She loved you and you returned that love.

Am I right? Well, that being the case, I resist your description of you both as ‘poor’. Oh, I know you’re thinking of income, and since life is a financial struggle, your longing to have more money to spend on luxuries is perfectly understandable.

But I’m sure you’d rather your sister were still alive than you won the lottery. Again, I believe this feeling of bitter discontentment is more about grief than envy of those who have more than you do. I suggest you start a notebook, writing down lovely memories of things you did and said, and feeling grateful for her life.

When you start hating yourself, make the effort to start up a conversation with your sister — and imagine her retorting that there’s no way she would love somebody who’s a ‘waste of space’. She will beg you to live your life, to love your family, to go out and do things — for her sake.

She can’t, but you can.

Listen to that dear voice inside you reassuring you that what you shared was too wonderful for death to be able to destroy.

Listen to her telling you that she’s still with you — and when you stop shouting, you will hear her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHY CAN'T MY LOVELY GIRL FIND A MAN?

DEAR BEL

I have a beautiful daughter who had her 43rd birthday in December. Let’s call her Isabel.

She used to be a professional dancer but now she teaches ballet, and also works in a very stylish fashion boutique selling incredible clothes. She enjoys all her work.

Having said that, she is sometimes very lonely and that worries me. She has had a few romances and one was a very close relationship until Isabel developed some serious health problems, at which point he ran away.

Isabel is a very capable young lady, full of energy. She keeps a lovely home, is a good cook, and (to me) is an altogether wonderful person.

So what’s the matter with all the men she meets? Can you help her — and me at the same time, as I am beginning to despair?

ALAN

This letter touches me, as a reminder that parenting is truly a lifetime activity, and those of us who are family-centred (I realise not everybody feels this way) go on feeling concerned about our adult children until the day we die.

Yet at the same time we have to accept the limitations of what we can say to our children, and do for them.

As a devoted (and very proud) father, you know quite well that any man would be lucky to marry your daughter, but unless you accept the fact that you can do nothing at all to help her find love, you are dooming yourself to frustration and worry.

It’s easy to understand how sad and angry you must have felt when her partner let her down, but — again — there was nothing you could say or do, was there?

I didn’t put in all the detail your letter gave, because I wouldn’t want Isabel to know you wrote, but I gather you are separated from her mother, to whom she’s close. I’m sure she and her mother talk about these issues, and hope your ex-wife will be able to advise and support as needed.

The only way I can ‘help’ you personally is gently to advise that you must never mention this matter to Isabel — unless she raises it, of course — as it will only make her feel worse to know that you are (as it were) watching over her life.

After all, Isabel didn’t write to me, did she?

You may even be perceiving an issue which is not actually as bad as you think. Some women enjoy their single status.

Still, as you can imagine, the question of how to meet a partner is a staple of any advice columnist’s postbag.

All of us usually resort to the kind of advice that’s almost become a cliche: join a club, take a course, find a new activity, start some voluntary work, and so on.

That’s because those are all time-honoured ways to make relationships — and are better (in my view) than internet dating, since friendships can form gradually, and evolve into something deeper. Having said that, I know two happily married couples who met online, so that can work. But it’s not for the faint-hearted!

Isabel is mature and intelligent and will surely know about all the above ways of meeting people — but I’d still like to emphasise (for all others reading who feel a similar lack in their lives) that people who want to find a romantic partner really do have to get out there and try new things in order to meet people.

In my opinion, ‘looking for love’ is better replaced as an attitude by ‘looking for life’.

That removes the note of desperation. The truth is, those who find new ways of living life more fully almost inevitably become the kind of people who attract love.

The key is always to be enthusiatically ready for new experiences. And that goes for Devoted Dads too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AND FINALLY: HEALED BY THE BEAUTY OF NATURE

Four years ago, I wrote about a beautiful DVD called ‘Calmer by Nature,’ consisting of mesmerising footage of nature without voiceover or music.

The DVD was recommended by healthcare professionals because of the therapeutic benefits of natural beauty. Now I’ve heard from film-maker Barry Wheelock again, this time for a sad reason. He tells me that he has recently lost Ilse, his wife of 30 years and ‘my everything’.

He’d just finished creating a second calming DVD (see www.calmerbynature.com). Passionate about nature all his life, Barry was able to experience at first hand its healing power through Ilse’s terminal illness. At the Truro hospital and then the hospice, he saw patients and families helped — just by being able to experience beautiful gardens through the windows. A bird-table near where Ilse spent her last hours brought great solace.

Alone now, Barry reflects movingly on what he’s learnt: ‘How does nature help with bereavement? Whether you are looking at a dewdrop, a daisy or a daffodil, it is the very fragility coupled with their beauty that will impress you. But if through illness or injury you or a loved one cannot get out much, or feel trapped in a city and have that yearning to be relieved of stress, anxiety or sadness — then images can help.

Watching a magnificent red stag come out of the forest into the early morning sunlight or newborn cygnets on their willow nest cuddled up like little grey bits of fluff or seal pups swimming with their mothers by the rocks (all things I’ve filmed) you feel absorbed, relaxed, refreshed.

You’re aware that nature puts life in context. Life and death are a natural, ever-present part of creation. The stag can be challenged and killed during the rut, the cygnet’s nest washed away in a flood and the seals overwhelmed by the next storm.’

I like his simple, but profound message: ‘By watching nature you will build a philosophy and an understanding which will help you cope with stress, anxiety - and grief.’

No one is saying it’s easy. But we all have to be open to how the world can help us.

HOW TO CONTACT BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Article from Mail Online

The New Quarter-Life Crisis

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:18:00 +0000

Marian SalzmanCEO, Euro RSCG Worldwide PR

Posted: 03/21/2012 3:24 pm
Article from Huffington Post

Now that the recession has retreated just a bit from American shores, we're being allowed to take a better look at its aftermath. To be frank, it's not pretty, especially for millennials and their parents. Many of the latter co-signed on student loans and must cope with the loss of a nest egg, not to mention a grown child or two who has boomeranged home for an indefinite stay.

Many of us who have college-age children in our household are scared to death that we might have roommates for years to come, as they face the great truth about the cost of that education when the loans become due a few scant months after graduation. Just last week I had lunch with a significant educator who talked of her son and daughter-in-law moving in with her so that they could re-pay her daughter-in-law's mountain of school-related bills. To hear a great teacher question the wisdom of the expense involved in training someone who is also likely to be a great teacher reinforced my angst that we don't have the cost -- or value -- of a college education figured out.

In 2008, I predicted that the then-nascent subprime mortgage crisis would spawn a student loan crisis of similar proportions. Indeed, it has: A new study from the National Association of Consumer Bankruptcy Attorneys says the student loan "debt bomb" has the potential to be just as horrific as the mortgage crisis and reports that in 2010 student borrowing totaled more than $100 billion for the first time, and total outstanding loans exceeded $1 trillion in 2011, also for the first time.

At a small breakfast recently, I asked our U.S. senator, Richard Blumenthal, what the federal government has planned to help solve this brave new crisis. He candidly answered that the administration had not yet announced its plan. A few weeks later, President Obama seemed to start to tackle student loans, but just like with the housing crisis, who knows who benefits and how. In these early days, there's still fear and loathing of the day when student-ing ends and re-paying kicks in. How can anyone repay four years of tuition, room and board on a teacher's salary? (Not to mention on the wages of a McJob, as low-paying work was coined years ago, when Generation Xers couldn't find their way into the professional fast lane.)

Debt of such staggering proportions has quite literally paralyzed millennials (categorized as people aged 18 to 29). One in four lives with his or her parents, and nearly 16 percent are unemployed -- twice the national average and the highest for this group since the U.S. Department of Labor started keeping records. And yet, all these uncomfortably large statistics still don't paint the entire picture, because millions of young people have delayed entering the workforce by staying in school, taking non-paying internships or seasonal work, joining AmeriCorps or treading water in other vastly creative ways.

I must say here that I don't entirely understand the rote American sequence of high school then college then work for 40-plus years with no breaks. Why rush? But not following this structure today is affecting us all. With unspeakable debt and no job prospects, millennials are putting their lives on hold, delaying high-impact life events such as buying a home and car, getting married and starting a family, saving for retirement and returning to school for further education -- you know, all the sorts of things that galvanize our economy.

It's been particularly unhelpful that the price of public colleges has risen 6 percent a year over the last decade. Millennials make about 90 cents for each dollar their fathers earned at their age but are saddled with twice the student loan debt that college graduates were just a decade ago. This means more potential college students are "taking a year off" because their families can't borrow against their home equity for tuition as they once might have been able to. Still others are questioning whether college is worth the headache at all -- like the Yale graduate recently profiled in The Washington Times who, since graduating with a master's in fine arts, has waited tables, pedaled a pedicab and now works at a photo lab for nine dollars an hour.

Since my prediction more than three years ago, I've been certain that an overabundance of American optimism did as much to get us into this mess as it will take to get us out. We can't forget that before the recession, rising home equity and easy credit enabled many families to blithely and naively seek the educations they desired. It was a big, fake, shiny bubble. Until, with a pop heard round the world, it splattered all over the younger generation -- the generation perhaps least prepared to endure it.

On the worst days, I see millennials' disappointment and frustration give way to a stampede of panic that they're in danger of becoming chronically, even permanently, unemployed. But in general I'm astonished at how optimistic millennials -- all Americans, really -- remain in spite of so many crippling setbacks. More than three-quarters of young people say they still believe the American dream is within reach for themselves, though the dream has been officially, painfully, deferred. Most also continue to uphold the value of a good education, as they should -- labor statistics show that unemployment remains highest among people without college degrees.

The halcyon days of education (basically anytime pre-2007) were governed by the dear old golden rule that hard work and investment paid off in the form of a lasting and lucrative career. Today there are no rules, although I do think the best weapon a college graduate now has is a very old-fashioned, sleeves-rolled-up work ethic. When Euro RSCG Worldwide, the parent company of my public relations agency, surveyed millennials last year, we found their job prospects hampered simultaneously by the desire for a lenient work-life balance and an expectation that they'd rise rapidly in their careers. I saw then that millennials don't know how to overcome the recession because they don't understand why it's affecting them. They want to climb the corporate ladder without breaking a sweat.

Is this because they were helicopter-parented by Baby Boomers? I definitely don't think that kind of coddling did them any favors. Just one example is that instead of looking critically at which majors are leading to profitable entry-level jobs and choosing accordingly, millennials are majoring in whatever they desire. The wise young person might want to set his or her fancies aside, at least for the present, and major in one of the STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) fields, steering especially clear of architecture, humanities and arts degrees. Or better still, astute millennials might postpone college for a few years, to get work experience, then head to campus fully aware of how they can use the luxury of an education to make themselves better -- better people as well as better wage-earners.

Millennials, take heed: With an economic ecosystem as off-kilter as this one, it's just as important to enter college with a game plan as it is to graduate with one. No pressure or anything, but your future hangs on it. All our futures do.

Follow Marian Salzman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mariansalzman

Article from Huffington Post

Overcoming Obstacles, Challenges, and Disappointments

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 23:31:00 +0000

By April Mims
Article from ezine

Let's face it - life is filled with obstacles, challenges, and disappointments. The way that we handle them makes all the difference in the outcome and how we move on. Any successful person will tell you that, at one time or another, they have been faced with some type of obstacle or challenge that seemed insurmountable. Maybe their failures even led to disappointment for them. But they were able to take these obstacles, challenges, disappointments, and even failures and turn them around into successes. Many of today's great successes will tell you that it wasn't easy and there were many times that it would have been very easy to give up. History shows many similar stories. Faced with the same situation, what makes one give up and another move on to accomplish great things?

1. Persistence. John Quincy Adams once said that "Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." The dictionary defines persistence as continuing to exist despite interference. Persistence is pressing on even when you feel like quitting. If you don't run into some type of obstacle along the way, it may be that your goal is not challenging enough. Obstacles and challenges are to be expected on the road to success. Continuing to take action will eventually lead to results. Successful people will continue to move forward even with the interference of obstacles or challenges. They will address the challenges and never give up. Walt Disney was rejected more than 300 times before he was able to secure financing to build Disney World. Colonel Sanders was rejected more than 1,000 times but still persisted! Both men persevered until their dreams became realities.

2. Self-confidence. Jack Welch once said "Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible". People who lack self-confidence often find it hard to succeed. This creates a vicious cycle of lack of self-confidence and lack of success. However, a confident person inspires confidence in others and is able to create success for themselves. It's the same cycle, only with a different name -self-confidence and success. The confident person doesn't take rejection personally or let it affect their confidence. They keep moving on. We all have insecurities but the key is to not let them affect our self-confidence.

3. Learning. Learning from our obstacles, challenges and disappointments is key to becoming successful. These situations often provide the information that we need to eventually become successful and to progress in our work. The truth is that we learn more from mistakes than from successes. Remember the story of Thomas Edison? He encountered many, many challenges and failures over his career. In his own words, "I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work." Many of his inventions are part of our everyday lives.

4. Focus. The Law of Attraction tells us that we get what we focus on. To successfully achieve our goals, we need to focus our attention on the goal. Without a clear focus, it becomes easy to get distracted and thrown off course by challenges or obstacles. This means you should have clearly defined, written goals to work from. These written goals will help you identify the most important steps you should take. If you find yourself distracted or off course, refocus on your goals.

5. Visualize the results. Visualize what success looks like for you. By keeping this visual in your head, you convince your mind that it is true. The more you see yourself as a success, the more your mind will work to actually put you into that picture. Because you know what the end looks like, you will work through all of the obstacles and challenges that you encounter along the way. Seeing your success is a very powerful tool.

6. Positive support system. Having a positive support system can help tremendously when you are faced with difficult situations and feel like giving up. Before you start out on a particular goal or venture, enlist your support system. These are the people that will be your cheerleaders on the way to success. Use them to discuss your obstacles, challenges or disappointments. At the very least, they can lend you support by listening to help you find your own solutions. Or they could brainstorm solutions with you and help you get back on track.

Success does come easy or happen overnight. There are often many obstacles, challenges and disappointments along the way. Preparing yourself for these challenges will better position you for ultimate success. Remember that "Yesterday's failures are today's seeds that must be diligently planted to be able to abundantly harvest tomorrow's success."

April Mims is a life and career coach specializing in work/life balance issues and life and career transitions. Her coaching practice is Nexus Coaching Partners. She is passionate about empowering clients to balance the demands of a successful career and a strong family life. April invites you to a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to see if coaching could benefit you. To learn more or subscribe to The Nexus Connection newsletter, visit [http://www.nexuscoachingpartners.com]

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=April_Mims

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1007624

Article from ezine

How to cope with a rainy break

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 10:07:00 +0000

Save this story to read later
From: escape
March 11, 2012 12:00AM
Article from news.com.au

Good planning can help make even a wet holiday enjoyable. Picture: Getty. Source: Supplied

A family makes the most of a rainy holiday on the beach. Picture: Supplied Source: Supplied

SAVING for a rainy day is all very well, but it's not exactly what you had in mind when you planned for that fun-in-the-sun getaway.

So, just how do you cope when your holiday parade's been rained on? Productivity and performance coach Diana Pettie says it's all in the approach, pointing out "naming and acknowledging" your disappointment is OK because it will help ease the emotions your tribe, partner or group of friends is feeling. But then you must move on and be proactive.

Reappraising the situation to give a different perspective will support a shift in attitude and help you look at the bright side, she says.

In other words, put a positive spin on it, discuss your options and make the best of the situation.

"Getting those upset about the situation to make their own connections about the positive side will have a better impact than you pointing it out," she says.

For those who fear the idea of raindrops falling on their head while on holiday there are plenty of alternatives no matter where you go Down Under.

On the Gold Coast, head for the theme parks: Dreamworld, Sea World, and especially Movie World have large, covered venues. And, if you choose Wet 'n' Wild, well, you're going to get wet anyway so go on and get wet and wild.

In Sydney, you can take the Harbour Bridge Pylon 200 steps for a great view of the Opera House. Darling Harbour offers decent indoor shopping opportunities as well as the Powerhouse Museum, Imax, Wild Life World and Sydney Aquarium.

Perth has the Observatory, Cultural Centre, Scitech and Harbour Town. Canberra has Parliament House, Questacon, the Australian War Memorial, the National Museum of Australia and National Gallery.

In Melbourne, sporty types may want to head to the MCG for a tour of one of our country's best-loved and historic sports arenas and the National Sport Museum. Otherwise, try the Melbourne Museum, Australian Centre for the Moving Image (ACMI), Scienceworks, the State Library or Old Melbourne Jail.

Adelaide is known as the City of Churches why not go and check them out? And in Tasmania you can ward off the cold with a hot chocolate under cover at the Cadbury Factory.

And don't forget, most cities you visit may have cinemas, roller skating, ten-pin bowling, mini golf, indoor play centres, undercover pools and leisure centres. Then there is always a nearby day spa or restaurant to indulge in while the heavens open outside.

So, with the right outlook and some basic preparation for alternatives if the weather turns nasty, the forecast for a great holiday can actually be promising.

Article from news.com.au

Coping After A Miscarriage

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 12:52:00 +0000

Published: Monday | March 12, 2012

Latoya Grindley, Gleaner Writer

Article from The Gleaner

A miscarriage can be one of the most life-changing and difficult experiences a woman could ever go through in her life.

Quite a heart-wrenching ordeal, women who undergo such an unfortunate experience will no doubt go through a whirlwind of emotions.

Acknowledging that the loss of a child through miscarriage can be quite traumatic, Dr Vivian Panton says the emotions felt are dependent on certain factors. "It depends on the individual herself and her capacity to deal with the loss, the extent to which she was expectant of the child, how advanced the pregnancy was and the cause or causes of the miscarriage."

The pastoral counsellor notes that the range of emotions experienced are likely to be shock, numbness, sadness, depression, grief, guilt and shame.

Overcome by those emotions, there can be outward signs that become increasingly obvious, indicating that the grieving mother is not coping very well. Sometimes these can become detrimental to their mental and physical health.

"Memorialisation is one such sign where they hold on to things in a pretty abnormal manner in an attempt to remind themselves of the baby. For example, baby clothes and other things she had in preparation of the birth. Some mothers will start to practise self-mutilation and then there is ghosting, where they imagine seeing the baby as if the child is present," says Dr Panton.

Other signs, according to the counsellor, are inappropriate sudden outbursts and suicidal tendencies.

Help

To help in the grieving and coping process, Dr Panton says family members, including partners, can be critical during the time of grief. They, at this very trying time, he said, should serve as a support system. "Family can provide empathic support in the form of physical presence, emotional support by providing optimism and hope."

While prime emphasis is placed on the grieving mother, fathers can also be deeply affected. According to the counsellor, in other cases where there are fathers who would rejoice in the occurrence of a miscarriage due to the responsibilities he would have been obligated to fulfil, there are the normal cases where the man experiences sadness. "It is likely that the father would experience a measure of sadness and empathy, disappointment, anger, grief and depression."

These range of emotions can also have an impact on the relationship between the couple. At this vulnerable and fragile stage, a relationship can be affected either positively or negatively.

"It can enhance the relationship or cause a divide. A sensitive man can empathise and become very supportive which strengthens the relationship. On the other hand, you may have the insensitive father who could start blaming the woman for the miscarriage, which causes the relationship to be strained."

Miscarriages are common occurrences, with statistics indicating that one in every five woman will experience a miscarriage. But, while that reality exists, no woman really wants that to be her reality.

Acceptance of the loss is difficult, but to help with the grieving and coping process, there are some strategies for mothers. "She should talk about the experience as much as she can. Consult with a competent counsellor, participate in group support with persons who have experienced something similar, and document her experiences and how she feels in a journal."

Dr Vivian Panton operates Classic Service and can be reached at 381-2191 or 755-0659.

Additional sources: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au and http://www.americanpregnancy.org.

latoya.grindley@gleanerjm.com

Article from The Gleaner

NASCAR-CUP: Jeff Gordon talks about his 20 years in NASCAR racing

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 12:31:00 +0000

Team Chevy Racing press release

Article from motorsport.com

JEFF GORDON, NO. 24 DUPONT 20 YEARS CHEVROLET met with members of the media at Las Vegas Motor Speedway and discussed 20 years of racing with DuPont, his wreck at Daytona and other topics.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HAVE BEEN WITH DUPONT FOR 20 YEARS?: “Thank you. I’m very proud of it -- that’s for sure. I go back to those first days when I signed with Rick (Hendrick, team owner) and we didn’t have a sponsor. Then they told me about a meeting that they had with DuPont where they were just talking to them about an associate and that turned into a full-time sponsorship that has turned into what it is today. To be together for 20 years. Just the fact that I’ve been driving in this series for 20 years is one thing, but to know that we’ve had a sponsor be there with us the entire way as well as Pepsi. We’ve obviously put a great combination together that’s worked out very well for us as well as the business for DuPont and other sponsors. It’s something that we’re definitely very, very proud of. I think it’s awesome that they’re celebrating in the way that they are this year by the 20th anniversary paint scheme and logo and we’re going to have a lot of fun.”

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST CHANGE YOU HAVE SEEN IN 20 YEARS AT HENDRICK OR AT NASCAR?: “Obviously, things are always changing, but the biggest changes this year are electronic fuel injection. This car was probably the biggest number one change or anything that I’ve ever had to deal with was just completely adapting over to a new car with a splitter, bump stops -- completely different aero package. Some of the highlights that stick out in the mind throughout the years is just aero in general, mainly just aerodynamics and tires have been the biggest change. I look back to some shots of the car from ’94 and ’95 on the race track and our air dam is this high off the ground in the corners and the skirts on the right side aren’t sealed off. I just think, ‘Gosh, just think how fast we would have gone if we would have known what we know now.’ I remember when the big sway bars and big rear springs started coming into effect and we started getting beat with that and how I had to adapt to how you drove the car without it rolling like they used to. It used to that you would use all the mechanical grip of the springs and the shocks to make the cars last over a long run and the cars gave up a lot of speed throughout a run so you could manage that. The way we set the cars up were more about tire management and now it’s just all about aerodynamics. I remember that time when it came and that definitely took me a while to adapt to that. We finally did adapt to it and then we won the championship in 2001.”

DO YOU LIKE QUALIFYING ON FRIDAY AND WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS FOR TODAY’S QUALIFYING?: “Unless qualifying goes a lot better than practice does I don’t know if it’s going to matter if they qualify next Friday. Whether or not I’m going to like it. We really struggled today. This track is much rougher than we expected. We know about the bumps in one, but I think our guys came with a very aggressive package and the track is not allowing us to take advantage of this aggressive shock package and spring package that we have. I do like qualifying on Friday. I personally like making a qualifying run and the next thing I do on the track on that same day is a qualifying run. Waiting overnight, changing track conditions, weather conditions -- most of us are going to like whatever suits their driving style and benefits them the most. To me, the Saturdays have not worked out very well for us in the past so I prefer this one. We have to make some big changes for it to work out for us either way today.”

WHAT IMPACT HAVE YOUR CHILDREN HAD ON YOUR CAREER ON AND OFF THE TRACK?: “I appreciate you thinking that I had all this stuff planned out. My stepdad is very much like that. He definitely had a good plan and luckily it worked out. I’m not as good at that as he is. I’m trying to think how to even answer the question. To me, I think that you can have the best set out plan and until things happen in a certain way that they have for me. I tell people this all the time, I could sit here and write a book with every single step that I made and you could follow it to the T and not have one thing go the same way as it did for me.

“I feel like along the way and even when I got into the Cup Series and started having success, you’re really just going off your best gut feeling and instincts and yes, you’re trying to prepare to be in a position to capitalize on it, but you really can’t expect it to go just as planned. I feel so fortunate that I’ve been surrounded by great people that have given me the opportunity to be in cars that when that time called, pulled off some great victories. I’ve just been a part of great teams that have allowed me to be consistent with having that type of success. To me, you always hear that success breeds success -- to me, as things started going well on the track it allowed me to start thinking about things off the track and trying to come up with the best plan if things go this way. You hope that they go in a positive way and for me they have.

“Although there have been some alterations to the plan along the way, I’ve been fortunate that even when things change they still went well. Even though it might not have been exactly the way I saw it, it still continued to allow great opportunities and I have to tell you, for me I didn’t expect all the great things to happen. It’s been amazing, been a great ride. There are days when I sit back and go, ‘Wow, never thought it would go like this.’ Then there are days that I sit back and go, ‘Man, I’m so frustrated that we didn’t win that race or we didn’t finish better.’ You go back and forth with that all the time. Then I also sit here and look out towards the end of my career and I go, ‘Man, what am I going to do next?’ One day I go, ‘Man, I’m so excited that I can’t wait for that.’ The next day I go, ‘God, I’m scared to death because all I ever have done is drive a race car and what’s it going to be like that day when I’m not driving a race car.’ Luckily, I’ve got a few years to think about that.”

DO YOU FEEL YOU WAITED LONGER TO START YOUR FAMILY?: “Should I just be candid? I’ve been in this sport for 20 years, I’ve been coming in this media center enough that I think you guys know -- I did go through a divorce. There was some planning going on there that a lot of things changed. To me, again in my life I have been so fortunate that when things didn’t go exactly as planned, I’ve been very fortunate to bounce back and I was fortunate enough to meet my wife Ingrid that she and I at that time wanted to have children. We felt like it was the right time in our lives. There’s no doubt that I’m very thankful it happened when it did and that it happened with her.

“We have two amazing children and everyday I’m so thankful. I also look at how hard parenting is and I think if I had children when I was 20 -- I got married the first time very young and if I had children at 25 or 26, I don’t think I would have been ready for it. I don’t know if I would have been able to stay as focused on my career. Or one would have suffered more than the other and so I think now I’m able to balance it out, I feel like, pretty well and enjoy both.”

CAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR SUCCESS AT MARTINSVILLE?: “The one place on the schedule over the 20 years that I’ve been in this series that has changed the least and the things about the cars and the tires have changed the least is Martinsville. Somebody like me who has a lot of experience and also has had success at a place like Martinsville can continue to have that success because it’s not all about aerodynamics, it’s not about a spring, shock, sway bar combination that you hit on that all of the sudden makes your car fly at a place like this. It’s not because of a repave where Goodyear has to change the tire and all those things. I feel like Martinsville is that one place that I can go to every time and give good information back to the team to keep us fast throughout the race. To me, of all the tracks, the least amount of changes and that’s where experience can really pay off. These other tracks, sometimes you have to reinvent yourself along with how we reinvent the setups and the aero package that we’re bringing. That’s tough to do. The longer you’re in the sport, it gets tougher and tougher to do that.”

WHAT DO YOU DO PHYSICALLY WHEN YOU ARE FLIPPING LIKE YOU DID AT DAYTONA AND HOW DO YOU COPE WITH THE EXPERIENCE?: “You hold on tight and you just hope that it ends soon. Unlike Danica (Patrick), I hold onto the steering wheel when I’m wrecking. When I say, ‘You hold on tight.’ You hold onto the steering wheel, but you basically just brace yourself for any impact that may be coming. The one thing about when you are flipping upside down, you really don’t know what’s coming next because you can’t see. You’re spinning around and you’re seeing the sky and the track and the sky and the track and it’s all happening pretty fast. You’d be surprised at how fast it goes by. I think for somebody who doesn’t drive a race car for a living that’s been doing it as long as I have and hasn’t hit a lot of things along the way and been upside down and spun around and sparks flying and fires and everything else -- that thought process of going through 60 seconds of something like that seems terrifying. There are only a few split seconds through that whole experience where I was nervous and one was when I was sliding on the door and I was more concerned with if those sparks turn into fire and I need to get out, how am I going to go through the other window? I knew some cars had gotten into me and I thought the car might be stuck like that. That didn’t last for very long because I started flipping. Then I was like, ‘Please don’t land upside down.’ Then it landed upside down. When it landed upside down, everything was fine. I was like, ‘That didn’t hurt so bad and I’m not injured.’ I told the team I was fine, but now it’s like how am I going to get out? The longest part of that entire wreck was waiting for them to get to the window and going through the process of whether or not we should flip it over or not. That seemed like it took forever and I wish I would have waited longer because I wanted to get out in a hurry and they wanted to wait and flip the car over. I wish I had waited because I tried to get out and that was the only time I was scared. I was stuck inside the car when I tried to unhook. That was the part that wasn’t much fun. As far as coping with it, maybe it’s just the mentality you have to have to be a race car driver. I was ready to get back in the car as fast as I possibly could and go out there and go race. I was more disappointed because I felt like I caused that wreck and that’s what got me into it. Just because I got impatient with Kyle Busch -- his car was terrible and yet he wins the race. He was just so loose that every I tried to push him by the car in front of us, he just kept getting out of control. I pushed him too hard at a bad point in the corner and then I had to try to avoid him as he started to wreck and then I end up in the wreck and cause another wreck. That was the thing that got me mentally more so and that was just making sure I don’t get myself in that same position. The actual wreck itself was fun.”

Article from motorsport.com

Helping a young do-gooder lower the judgment meter

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 02:14:00 +0000

The Parent'Hood

Your budding activist tries to convince everyone to adopt her favorite causes. What do you do?

What do you do when your young do-gooder piles on the guilt trips? (Image Source Photo)

By Heidi Stevens, Tribune Newspapers

March 6, 2012

Article from Chicago Tribune

Your child loves to adopt a cause (green living, veganism, etc.). But she harangues folks around her to the point of exhaustion. Should you tell her to ease up?

Parent advice

(from our panel of staff contributors)

It's great when kids develop a social conscience and start advocating for a better world. Terrific, in fact. But when this advocacy takes the form of condemning the lifestyles and choices of others, it's time to administer a gentle but firm reality check. You might say, "Yeah, I know that I've made horrible choices in life and that my selfish generation and the ones preceding mine are ruining things for forward-thinking people like you. But you know, my disgraceful way of living puts clothes on your back, food in your mouth and a roof over your head, and until you're ready to renounce all these things, maybe you ought to scale back the Judgment Meter just a bit." If your little crusader is imposing her act on other relatives or, worse, total strangers, you should tell her to ease up before she gets killed. It's OK to be vague about who might do the killing.

— Phil Vettel

Explain the "you can catch more flies with honey" concept, and suggest she tone down her pitch. Admirable causes don't need to be shouted; their points can generally be made logically, smartly. Loud and annoying haranguing doesn't work.

— Bill Hageman

Expert advice

Your child is thoughtful and conscientious and tireless. And you have a big, fat "teaching moment" on your hands. Good news all around!

"This is a golden opportunity to raise your child's self-awareness about how she comes across to other people," says family psychotherapist Fran Walfish, author of "The Self-Aware Parent" (Palgrave Macmillan). "Self-examination and self-exploration are really good skills to have. Kids need to know when a good thing is a good thing and when too much of a good thing is a turnoff."

Think Girl Scout cookies for a moment. In order to make the selling process fun and profitable, Walfish says, parents should prep their little peddlers.

"You want to raise your child's awareness how they come across, how they pitch, how they accept no for an answer, how they deal with disappointment," says Walfish.

And so it is when your child is selling her cause.

"Mom or dad has to help slow the child down and instill a little empathy for the buyer," Walfish says. "'We are so excited that you're doing this, but if we come on too big with our excitement we might push people away, so let's tone it down a notch.'"

Helping your child get outside of her own head will also help.

"Use a series of gentle, nonjudgmental, open-ended questions," Walfish says. "'What do you think that lady was thinking when you took a step toward her? How do you think she was feeling? What do you think you might do differently next time?'"

And equally important is helping your child handle disappointment when her pleas are rebuffed.

"If your child goes quickly to disappointment and even anger or fury when someone rejects her proposition, the way for you to help is to not walk away, to not blame or judge or take a side, but rather to ride the crest of your child's powerful feelings right along with them," Walfish says. "Your child will learn, 'I have a parent who will stay with me when I am at my worst. She will not abandon me or ridicule me.'

"You're teaching her reality," Walfish says. "More disappointments are coming, but you're equipping her with the social skills and the coping skills for letdowns."

Have a solution?

Your daughter's new BFF is rich. How do you handle the barrage of "How come we can't …" questions? Email us at parenthood@tribune.com. Find "The Parent 'Hood" page on Facebook, where you can post your parenting questions and offer tips and solutions for others to try.

Article from Chicago Tribune

Disappearing act of the soul that's so hard to bear

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 09:31:00 +0000

March 4, 2012

Article from The Sydney Morning Herald

Dreams of a good life ... what everyone wants.

TO HAVE lived a good life. Everyone wants that.

My grandmother lives in California and she is dying. She has a ''do not resuscitate'' order and her opportunistic infections are not being treated. To manage excruciating pain from the bones she broke in a fall she's been heavily sedated. In this manner will she slip away from us, relieved of suffering but unable to say goodbye.

Because I live a million miles away I'm unlikely to arrive for more than the funeral. It won't be the same as my grandfather's memorial. He made his own luck, lived on his terms and died that way, too - suddenly one morning, head in the breakfast bowl. My grandmother's life was like that of many women of her era: complex and unfinished.

She was a good girl who never got her reward; a smart woman who returned to university to prove this was the case but never believed it herself. Indeed, much of her life was spent coping with perilously low levels of self-esteem and depression - the psychic ravages of rage turned in on the self. As an adult, I found it oddly shaming to bear witness to her disappointment, especially when I was one of the children she insisted were enough.

She did love us all passionately, even to a fault, but wanted more for me than motherhood. Rather than take the tack of the small-minded - seeking confirmation of the rightness and inevitability of her own life by encouraging others to repeat it - she stoked my vaulted ambitions. Encouraging my grandfather, who controlled the purse strings, to assist in the cost of summer camp, summer school and university while she went about providing the more basic services a child such as I, from a divorced and chaotic home, required. She picked me up at school to take me to the dentist and dance class, arriving early to be the first car in the queue so I never had one moment of doubt she wouldn't show up.

I never worried. She was reliable and I knew I could trust her, something I could say of few in my life to that point. Which may be why she felt it so important to communicate it to me, in words as well as actions.

By the end, she had become quite deaf. Desperate to speak to her,

I rang the hospital after her fall suspecting - rightly as it turned out - this might be my last chance to tell her I loved her and to thank her for all she'd done. She didn't answer the phone so I called the nurses' station. They went to investigate but returned to report her hearing aid was broken. ''She says call your uncle.'' I hung up, devastated.

Preparing to fly home, my family urges me not to hurry. They say she's lost consciousness and won't return to it. That there's no sign left of the mother, grandmother, aunty we knew. They say that the drawn-out disappearing act of the soul, ageing's cruellest blow, is nearly done. ''She would hate you to see her this way,'' my aunt said. It's true.

But I wish life had been kinder to Hilda Abramson and that she had been kinder to herself. I wish her death could be more dignified. But most of all I wish I had been able to be by her side, whispering words of love and comfort, as she has always been by mine.

Twitter @LeslieCannold

Article from The Sydney Morning Herald

The Mammy diaries: Coping with a new baby

ridodirected@gmail.com (RIDO) — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 10:21:00 +0000

Article from The Independent
Thursday March 01 2012

From pregnancy to piles, sleepless nights and C-sections, being a first-time mum doesn't always turn out like you thought it would. Five new mothers tell Chrissie Russell how their baby expectations compared with reality

Single mum LINDA COWAP (30) from Trim, Co Meath, gave birth to Cian last July

I had nightmares about doing it all on my own and worried about everything ahead of the birth. But in the end he was four weeks premature and because I was in the hospital for a week I had great support. They showed me how to bathe him, how to make bottles, how to change him and I left feeling really confident.

"Even though there was an immediate bond with him I still feel like I need my own time. It's very easy to get caught up in being a mummy, but it isn't enough, you need time for yourself.

"It's a bit overwhelming at times. I look at this little person and know I have his whole life in my hands, it's me who has to develop and teach him.

"On a practical level, nappy changes can be a real shock. The sheer amount that comes out of a small person and the smells can be pretty terrible. But I've surprised myself by how well I've dealt with that.

"The biggest piece of advice I could pass on to other new mums is not to get into competition with other babies. It's very easy when you hear someone else saying that their baby is talking at seven months and you think 'should my baby be doing that?' But it's ridiculous to get sucked into worrying.

"Even though Cian wasn't planned I got my head around it pretty quickly and I've no regrets.

Teenage mum LAURA KEARNEY (19) from Bray, Co Wicklow, gave birth to her son Ryan seven months ago

I was so busy worrying about the birth, I didn't really give that much thought to what would happen after.

"People kept telling me horror stores about three-day labours, I was so panicked, but it wasn't that bad -- probably because I changed my mind about wanting a natural birth! The epidural was a miracle, I'd no idea how painful contractions were going to be, but after the epidural, I fell asleep!

"He was really big, 10lbs, so I had to have an episiotomy (I didn't even know what that was before the birth) and once the drugs wore off I was in bits.

"I was totally unprepared for how scary I found being a mum at the start. In the ward all the other mums were older than me and seemed to know so much more than I did.

"Suddenly I was left all alone with the baby and no clue what to do. Everyone kept saying 'it'll come naturally' but at the start it really didn't. I'd never even held a newborn before, so it was really daunting. But in the end instincts did kick in.

"I was totally unprepared for how people look at young mothers. I feel judged, which is hard because I think the person who puts most pressure on me, is me. I really criticised myself when I couldn't breastfeed, it was just too sore.

"Sometimes when he's screaming I think 'why didn't I wait 10 years?' but even though he wasn't planned I still think he's the best thing to have happened to me."

Married stay-at-home mum ANN MARIE NICHOLSON (25) from Co Waterford gave birth to Isobelle last August

My biggest fear was that the baby wouldn't be healthy, so I was terrified when I went for a detailed scan and they told me her head was a bit small. I worried for weeks, unnecessarily as it turned out.

"When I brought her home I was scared that I wouldn't wake up when she needed to be breastfed -- but soon learned there was no need for that!

"I'd never heard about reflux, which Isobelle had, and nothing prepared me for how hard it is looking after a windy baby, especially when she had day and night mixed up. I was so exhausted I could hardly move.

"Before the birth I thought I would be brilliant at losing my baby weight and be out every day walking. But some days I can't even get up when I've been up all night and I can't think about healthy meals, it's just about survival.

"I feel really lucky to have had great support from friends, family and healthcare professionals. Also going on EUmom.ie and talking to other mums has really helped me."

Graphic designer KATE DWYER (30) from Dublin gave birth to her son Cillian last March

I worried about the birth and about coping as a new mum but I didn't give too much thought to the pregnancy. So it was a real shock when that turned out to be so bad. I hated every single minute.

"I suffered really badly with depression but kept it pretty much to myself because you always hear women talking fondly about their bump and I felt bad that I didn't feel that way.

"I was 30, I had a life, I liked partying and lived for the weekend. When I fell pregnant most of my friends were still going out. Only one or two called round. The stress put a strain on my relationship and it fell apart.

"Normally most people get more stressed after the birth, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was amazed by the amount of love I felt for him straight away.

"It was an all-consuming love that I never thought I would feel and instead of worrying like I thought I would, I find I'm looking forward to all his firsts.

"The only thing I wished someone had warned me about is that you get really bad piles after labour, it's the absolute worst!"

Nurse SINEAD MAHER (40) from Portarlington, Co Laois, gave birth to daughter Caoilinn in November

My biggest concern was about my age. I'd had a miscarriage before, so I worried about that, about how I would cope and how my partner would cope without sleep. I was also anxious about the baby getting sick. As a nurse I've heard some horror stories about babies choking -- they really played on my mind.

"I needn't have worried, everything was fine with her. The big problem actually was my pregnancy. I had to stop work at 29 weeks because no matter how early I went to bed I was exhausted.

"My ankles were swollen and from 31 weeks I had Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I'd seen women at work, working until 10 days before the birth and assumed I would be the same, but it wasn't the case.

"Being a mum is fantastic, but there are still days when I don't know how I'm going to cope. I really rely on the support I have from my partner David and friends and family.

"On days when she's crying constantly it helps if I can call a friend and say 'please give me half an hour to get out'.

"I had no idea how long I would have to spend just sitting with her. I'm amazed how sometimes there just isn't time to do things like washing the kitchen floor or even make dinner.

"The biggest surprise was the wave of love I felt when they first put her on my chest. I had to have a C-section, which I was disappointed about, but from the second I saw her I was overwhelmed . . . and shocked. I was convinced I was having a boy, so hadn't even picked out girls' names!"

Being a new mum can be frightening . . . Don’t worry, that’s normal

Paediatric nurse Lynda Quigley, along with life coach Ruth Toomey, runs MummyMatters.ie, a postnatal course for first-time mums. She says new mums shouldn't be afraid to admit to finding it tough:

"I don't think any new mum-to-be really knows what to expect, and the reality is that the first eight weeks can be a shocker.

"When it's your first you've no idea what to prepare for. I can spot new mums a mile off -- they're the ones looking absolutely shattered.

"I break my classes into two hour-long segments.

"The first is all about the practicalities of looking after baby, taking care of all the questions, such as what colour nappies should be, bathing, umbilical cord care, what you really need to buy -- just helpful, practical tips.

"But the second hour is all about mum. You can lose your sense of identity when you become a mum and you need to have life balance.

"The truth is, being a new mum can be isolating, especially if you've been working. It can be frightening and lonely to suddenly be home all day with a baby.

"People say to enjoy it. But don't feel guilty if it's not always what you thought it would be or you need a break. That's normal."

Article from The Independent