Hansi ke Hungame

Santa and Fax Machine

2012-05-17T05:51:00.001-07:00

Santa: Do you know about this fax-machine?
Banta: What's wrong?
Santa: I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, but..
Banta: How did you load the sheet?
Santa: I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it.

Santa Went for Hunt

2012-05-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

Once Santa went for hunting with one of his foreign friends, Suddenly they saw one tiger comming towards them. To save themselves they climbed a tree and both sat on one branch. The tiger came under the tree and sat down.

Friend told Santa “Just to pass Time Why don't you sing some Indian songs"

Santa started to sing. After singing four songs Santa hanged upside down on the branch and then again sung four songs.

After singing all the songs, Santa came back to his original position.

Friend asked curiosly " Santa, You sung four songs sitting in upright position and next four songs you sat upside down, Why did you do that?"

Santa told " First four songs were from side A and the other four were from Side B"

Honour of Stupid People

2012-05-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods...

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

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On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

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On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

Jokes Collection for the Month of May

2012-05-17T05:28:00.000-07:00

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.
He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our answering machine click on. "Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I can dig us a basement."

Get this," said one drinker to his friends at the bar. "Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

A woman was organizing her laundry room, while at the same time, getting ready to iron. She found a black sock, belonging to her messy son in his forties. Searching all around, in case she'd dropped the other one, she still couldn't locate the other black sock.
She said, with ire in her voice, "Why is this black sock in here all alone?"
The fella answered back facetiously to her, "Because my white socks are prejudiced!"
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NYC reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news, when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?"
"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.
However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then, one woman even squinted to get a better look! Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave.
When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head!

One of the questions from the career placement test which is given to applicants for a military commission.
"Rearrange the letters 'P N E S I' to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!" Those who spelt 'spine became doctors. But the rest of the officers all go to flight school.

A mayor of a small town passed out pens imprinted with the message, "Got a gripe? Call the mayor."
One morning the phone rang and his secretary answered it. "Who was that?" the mayor asked.
"A citizen with a gripe," came the reply. "The pen you gave him doesn't work."

I'm a retired schoolteacher. My favorite classroom story concerns a young third-grade girl who came to school one morning all excited. She explained that things were really going to be different at their house now, because her grandfather had come to live with them. Then she added, "And he's sterile, you know!"
The teacher thought for a moment, then replied, "You mean 'senile,' don't you?"
The child replied, "Yeah... that, too."

While my friend, Emily, was visiting her mother, they went for a walk and bumped into an old family acquaintance. "Is this your daughter?" the woman asked. "Oh I remember her when she was this high. How old is she now?"
Without pausing, Emily's mother answered, "Twenty-four." Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot!
After everyone had said their good-byes, Emily asked her mom why she'd told such a whopper.
"Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly dawned on me I'd have to start lying about yours, also!"

Jokes Collection abt Husband Wife

2012-05-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

Husband texts to wife on cell..

"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!

A Special Package for Business Men.

An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill

Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, donâ€™t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, donâ€™t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Sweet demand by kid

A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

Lion bounced on wife

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

Throwing knives on wife's picture

Husband was throwing knives on wifeâ€™s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"

Habit of talking in sleep

A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake

Part & Art of living

Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.

Head & Neck of the family

It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants. ( I like it the most!!!)

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey what r u looking 4?

Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Every time!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

Husband, wife & spare Tyre

HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....

Similarity between chewing gum & begum

What's the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the end..

Too late for garbage

Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

What if you don't see me for 2 days?

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldnt believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didnt see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!" (superb one)

Why women starts with W

You know why women starts with 'W'...
because all questions start with "W".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Difference between Friend & Wife

U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

Recently fired stock trader

A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."

Message of the year

Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

Husband to a newly wed wife

Husband: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

Why did u shoot your wife?

Judge: why did u shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!

Ehsaas Bohat Hoga

2012-05-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ehsaas Bohat Hoga Jab Chor Ke Jainga
Ehsaas Bohat Hoga Jab Chor Ke Jaingay
Roengay Bohat Magar Aansu Nahi Aaengay
Jab Saat Na De Koi To Awaz Hamain Dena
Aasman Per Bhi Hongay To Lout Ke Aaengay

Mangta hoon

2012-05-16T07:49:00.001-07:00

mangta hoon to deti nahi
mangta hoon to deti nahi
jawab meri baat ka
deti ho to khara ho jata hai
rom rom jazbaat ka
kyun kehte ho bar bar daloo
baloo mein phool ghulab ka

Haseeno aur haseen

2012-05-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Haseeno ne haseen banke gunah,
Haseeno ne haseen banke gunah Kiya,
auronko to theek, humko bhi tabah kiya
pesh kiya gazhlon mein jab unki bewafaiee ko,
auron ne to theek unhone bhi WAH WAH kiya ...

Ek Machar

2012-05-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

ek machar ki makhi say ho gai shadi..
ek machar ki makhi say ho gai shadi..
pahli hi raat start ho gai barbadi...
machar becharay ki kismat hi khoti thi..
makhi MOSPEL laga kay soti thi

Bakri Kha Gayi

2012-05-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

Arz kiya hai:
Arz kiya hai:
Bahaar aane se pehle fiza aa gayi,
ki bahaar aane se pehle fize aa gayi,
Aur phool khilne se pehle.....
.... bakri kha gayi

New Style of ABCD

2012-05-16T07:30:00.001-07:00

"A" ki Biwi "B",
"A" ki Biwi "B",
"B" ki Bhabhi "C",
"C" ki beti "V",
"V" ka dada "G"
"G" ki biwi "K",
"K" ki beti "T",
To batao 'A" or "T" ka kya rishta hua?

MARIA AND HER GRANDCHILD

2012-05-15T05:46:00.001-07:00

Maria teaching her granchild an action song "put your right feet on,
put your left feet out." Dan heard her and said "Mom, its foot."

Maria: "Sorry, okay foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out."

Student and teacher

2012-05-15T05:45:00.001-07:00

teacher: who can say the alphabet to me Michelle
Boy: miss I need the toliet
Teacher: say the alphabet first
Boy: ok a b c d e f g h I j k l m f o Q r s t u v w x y z
Teacher : wheres the p
Boy: down my leg

Lol

Best Friend

2012-05-15T05:43:00.002-07:00

Two people u have to need in ur life.
"a cute Partner who Promises not to break ur heart"
AND
"a Best Friend to kick that Person if they break ur Heart"

funniest ant talking

2012-05-15T05:43:00.001-07:00

two ants jmp from the hill.

first ant:pour oil on it's head.

2ant:didnt pour oil.it jump from the hill.it dies

1st ant:jump from the hill didn't die because he pour parasheut oil.

Employee, Boss and Office

2012-05-15T05:42:00.001-07:00

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

Doctor and Patient

2012-05-15T05:41:00.001-07:00

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.

Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.

Hilarious one or two line jokes

2012-05-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

Question: If you catch it, you will throw it away. If you don't catch it, you will keep it. What is it?
Answer: Lice

Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

Why shouldn't you hold a DVD upside down?
Because the data might fall down.

Santa to Banta: I don't have an internet connection at home. Can you please copy the internet on this pen drive for me?

Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day

Short Jokes
Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.

What do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.

Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover!
Girl 2: I was about to say the same-thing too!

Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.

Ponderism:
Before going to sleep you can say Good Night.
But before waking up can you say Good Morning?

Salesman

2012-05-15T05:36:00.001-07:00

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, and the car rolls to a stop. The three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman announces sadly, “Time to buy a new car!”

Says the hardware engineer, “Well, first let’s try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it.”

Replies the software engineer, “Now, let’s just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself.“

Funny Love Letter

2012-05-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

→ A Love Letter from BISCUIT MAKER- Dear Marie, Today is Good Day, U r Anmol for me... But U have Crackjacked my Heart, Bcoz I have a Little Heart, Now I m in 50/50 position...

→ Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far !!

→ Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business?

Student: "Father in law".

→ World ’s shortest jokes:
2 Women sitting quietly!
2 pathan playing chess!
GirlFriend pays the bill.
Need more?!
U r so beautiful

→ An engineering student to his sweeper brother: I have got degree, I have got knowledge, I can sit in society. What do you have?
Sweeper: I have the job.

→ Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

→ Calendar of Love
January = Rose
February = Propose
March = Gift
April = Lift
May = Chatting
June = Dating
July = Miss
August = Kiss
September = Marriage
October = Broke up
November = Rest
December = Next
Have a nice year ahead.

→ Beauty is not how you look, it is not how handsome u r, it is not ur figure too... Beauty is the inner self, so change ur underwear daily.

→ Power of Mathematics
One day a box wasn’t opening.
Lawyer came, applied all laws but it didn’t open
Chemist came, applied all reactions but it didn’t open
Physician came, applied all forces but no change
Even the biologist failed
mathematician came & said
.
.
.
Let’s Suppose the Box is Open

Funny Jokes Hungama

2012-05-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

“imagine I am in jail
what you think that
What crime I had done”
Reply must. . .

→ Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.
Husband is liver & wife is kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails.
If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

→ Birds Birds in the sky dropped a pooty in my eye,
I don”t worry I don”t cry,
I”m just happy that cows can”t fly!

→ If I was an artist,
you would be my picture!
If I was a poet,
you would be my inspiration!
If I was an author you would be my story!

But I'm only a cartoonist!

→ It’s very easy
to eat sweet chocolate,
speak sweet words,
watch sweet dreams
but
It’s very difficult
to
find a sweet person.
but I salute you.
that you find me.

→ Boy: I am not rich like rohit, I don't even have a bid car like rohit. But I really love you!
Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about rohit..

→ Who said English is easy???
Fill in the blank with YES or No…
1.—–I dont have brain…
2.—–I dont have sence…
3.—–I am stupid….

→ Dream makes everything possible, Hope makes everything work, Luv makes everything beautiful, Smile makes all the above... So always Brush ur Teeth

→ What is similarity between Bill Gates and me?
Don’t know??
He never comes to my house
and I never go to his house
EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW…

→ Do u know similarity between Dinosaurs and Decent Girls?
Both don't exist.

→ Can we do romance in the evening today?
I’m in a good mood
Just a little bit of kissing and biting
reply me soon!
yours lovingly
“MOSQUITO”

Wife Kho Gayi

2012-05-11T19:51:00.001-07:00

Santa-Sir,Meri wife kho gayi hai.

Postman-Ye POST OFFICE hai, POLICE STATION nhi.

Santa-Oh Sorry,Sala khushi k mare kahan jayu,Kuch samajh mein nhi aa rha

Lekar Batayun Ya De Kar

2012-05-11T19:49:00.001-07:00

Boy: Aapka naam kya hai?

Girl: Pehen ke batayun ya dikha ke?

Boy: Kya matlab?

Girl: “PAYAL”,

Aur aapka?

Boy: Lekar batayun ya de kar?

Girl: Matlab?

Boy: “PAPPI”

Desperate Santa

2012-05-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

Santa, “Preeto ik var i love you kehde…”

Preeto,”Nhi mainu sharam aandi hai”

Santa,”Please ik var”

Preeto,”Hatt! Moeya…”

Santa,”Dekh le! bhain nhi meri…”

Sardar In A Hotel

2012-05-11T19:41:00.001-07:00

Sardar in a hotel-Main yahan nhi rahunga,

mere paise vapis karo!

itna chota room…..

Mujhe jaanwar samjha hai kya!!!

Waiter-Mere baap room mein chal,ye toh lift hai!!!