haplography

bad bathrooms

2011-04-13T15:46:00.004-04:00

Over the past year, we've re-done one of our bathrooms and we're currently in the process of re-doing the other. A great help in making good design choices have been the photo galleries at hgtv.com. Some of these photos are helpful in a positive way; others are good examples of what not to do. Here are some of my favorite bad bathrooms.

I know when I take a bath, I want that relaxing, Zen-like, "stuck in a telepod and about to be transformed into Brundlefly" feel.

"You're going to love what I've come up with for your new bathroom. Before I went into interior decorating, I did production design for a little movie called 'Scarface.'"

This Apple fan paid handsomely to live out his fantasy of being consumed by an iPod shuffle while sitting naked in a bathtub.

Trapped in a photo of himself, Christopher Reeves' soul admits that while your aesthetic taste is questionable, it does get kinda lonely when you're not around.

ALL HAIL THE EGG

"I have no idea where the facehugger went, but after it burst free I took one look at the remaining egg and said, 'hello, vessel sink!'"

"Oh, don't mind me. Just keep on bathing."

goodbye flashforward

2010-05-18T13:25:00.001-04:00

You were supposed to be the next "Lost." Instead you got canceled before "Lost" completed a triumphant sprint to its end (an ending on its own terms, I might add).

There's a storytelling lesson here: don't be boring. "Flashforward" had a great premise and the story arc moved along swiftly, but it was not a good sign when I realized the characters were so bland I could not remember any of their names. The central character in "Flashforward" is a recovering alcoholic who tends to become obsessed with his FBI work at the expense of his family. I'm sure someone thought this was a interesting backstory/personality for a character, but it honestly feels a bit lazy in a show that was supposed to be about the fantastic. It's hard to imagine that and only that being the basis for a character in "Lost," in which backstories are not only integral to the fabric of the show but also tend to be extraordinary (usually in a sad way). As TV, alcoholism just can't compete with getting pushed out of a skyscraper by one's con man father.

our old mattress

2010-05-05T12:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we (or more accurately, the delivery guys from Raymour and Flanagan) got rid of our old mattress. After we stripped the sheets off of it, I looked at the manufacture date on its label:

06/07/1994

Yikes. Consumer Reports seems to feel your standard innerspring mattress will last you around 10 years, so I guess it was indeed time to get rid of this one. Just for fun, I did a little research to see what was going on when our mattress was made...

The #1 song on Billboard's Hot 100 was...

This is pretty much how I remember 1994. It was sepia-toned, we all belonged to melting-pot R&B harmony groups, and we all hung out on rooftops.

Ace of Base's "The Sign" was the #1 album in America.
The Flintstones was the #1 movie in America.
A Grace Under Fire rerun was the top-rated show for the week of June 6-12 (though technically the highest-rated program on the evening of June 7 was Roseanne... also, holy shit, Google News Timeline is awesome).
A gallon of gas averaged $1.06.
O.J. Simpson was still a respected former athlete and TV/film personality.
The Rangers were still cursed.
I was in eighth grade.

It's funny, we think of the 90s as sort of the anti-80s - the end-of-history Clintonian response to the Age of Reagan, the stripped-down grunge revolt against the new wave. Yet today the 90s seem just as dated. People still had big hair, jackets with humongous shoulder pads and innerspring mattresses. Progress marches on.

david's 4/30 power rankings

2010-04-30T08:45:00.001-04:00

1. Grandpa
2. Handy Manny
3. Daddy
4. Mommy

baseball doubleheader fun fact of the day

2010-04-27T14:39:00.000-04:00

When Ernie Banks said "let's play two," he didn't actually mean it. He knew the umpire would say no.

hunt for red october (UPDATED)

2010-04-26T13:21:00.000-04:00

Capt. Vasili Borodin: I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... maybe even a "recreational vehicle." And drive from state to state. Do they let you do that?

Captain Ramius: I suppose.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: No papers?

Captain Ramius: No papers, state to state.

Capt. Vasili Borodin: Well then, in winter I will live in... Arizona.

Captain Ramius: Ooh, uh, about that "no papers" thing I just said...

princess peach is my muse

2008-12-05T09:19:00.000-05:00

Or, at least she is for these guys.

lager

2008-08-11T14:06:00.000-04:00

Yuengling is the next "Great American Beer," according to Salon (despite blathering mostly about hipsters and Pabst Blue Ribbon).

I'm not sure how I'd feel about this. I know lager is available in many, many states (and brewed in two), and I realize this is just an article, but there's something special about it being so distinctive to Pennsylvania and surrounding areas. It's like a pint of home. It would be a shame if that ever changed.

the dialectical materialism of emilio and jean-claude

2008-07-30T16:58:00.002-04:00

Thesis: Timecop: Time-traveling cop puts right what once went wrong. Also, turns Ron Silver into a pile of goo.

Antithesis: Freejack: Time-traveling race car driver (obviously, different from a cop) puts right what will go wrong. Also, turns Mick Jagger into an actor forced to utter the line "get the meat!"

Synthesis: Combination of footage from Timecop and music from Freejack, resulting in YouTube glory.

it's like the onion is in my head

2008-07-25T11:28:00.000-04:00

The Onion: C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger

spam

2008-07-22T11:29:00.000-04:00

Title of spam I received today:

Horse kicks Harrison Ford in stomach

philly 5th most walkable city...

2008-07-21T12:06:00.001-04:00

... according to the Inky and some site called walkscore.com. San Fran, NYC, Boston and Chicago comprise the top four.

Some people envision Philly as a rusty metal cauldron filled with humidity from which stray bullets occasionally emerge, so I always like to point out that it's very walkable, like a "big small town." The two thing that set it apart from Manhattan, in my opinion, are 1) that one can easily walk the entire city center (granted, Center City is probably the size of a large Manhattan neighborhood), and 2) that the Philadelphia grid is laid out on a much more human scale (blocks in Manhattan can be very, very long).

rainbow road

2008-07-21T10:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if this is a lightning on the third lap, but it's a solid three red shells.

poor old ludwig's

2008-07-21T10:10:00.000-04:00

Is now Time.

movie casting of the decade

2008-07-08T15:06:00.000-04:00

OK, try to remain as calm as possible when you read the following news. Make sure you're not doing any ironing or have muffins in the oven that might burn once said news gives you a case of the vapors.

18 short days from now, the SciFi Channel will feature the world premiere of (wait for it...) ANACONDA 3: THE OFFSPRING STARRING DAVID HASSELHOFF (AND JOHN RHYS-DAVIES AS "MURDOCH")!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH! CRACK EACH OTHER'S HEADS OPEN!

Not only that, but we'll even see an Anaconda 4 by the end of the year.

This could be the movie casting of the decade; on par with the 1990s' casting of Tommy "Tiny" Lister and Bokeem Woodbine (link goes to a profile in Vibe entitled Bokeem Woodbine: Life of a Champion) in Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (it doesn't!).

I mean, adding Rhys-Davies to anything makes it better, particularly if it's a movie featuring some sort of sabretooth. Since I'm guessing there are no sabretooths (sabreteeth?) in Anaconda 3, the fact that his character is named "Murdoch" totally makes up for it.

philadelphia brewing company

2008-04-25T15:01:00.000-04:00

Last night I got myself a variety case from the new Philadelphia Brewing Company. It included six bottles each of all four of their brews: Kenzinger, Newbold IPA, Walt Wit and Rowhouse Red.

I tried the Kenzinger and Newbold. Kenzinger was hoppy. Newbold was hoppier. Both were good, though Kris and I were taking apart our futon during the Kenzinger, so I really wasn't paying too much attention to the taste (which is no slight to the Kenzinger; it was my favorite of the two I tried).

Tonight I'll try the Rowhouse Red and the Walt Wit (a Belgian white). I had the Rowhouse Red at the Devil's Den last Friday, but I had it with two Schneider Aventinii and don't remember too much of anything (other than french fries made of rocks, and the Mets-Phillies game projected onto a second-story brick wall on South 11th Street for some reason).

whither macy's?

2008-04-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

Kris and I have roughly $150 worth of Macy's gift card money that expires a week from today, so we pretty much have to spend it this weekend.

What should we use it on?

tears for fears

2008-04-22T13:51:00.000-04:00

Help me to decide...

I voted.

It took me a while; at 7:45 am, there was a hugeass line outside of our polling place (2nd ward, 22nd division). No surprise, since there are predictions of a record turnout. I actually got out of line to go back to the house and wait it out. I hung out with Kris, made coffee and read up more on the candidates and questions. It was nice to have what felt like a real morning. And at 9 am, I was able to walk right up to the Palumbo Rec Center and sign in.

Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure...

It felt very good to finally get the chance to vote for Barack Obama. As I was discussing with Kris last night, I'm not sure I'm wild about his policy proposals, particularly his universal health care plan. And I don't think Hillary is as bad as some think, or even that different from Obama w/r/t policy proposals; I think she'd probably make a fine president, and I actually reconsidered my support for Obama this morning before voting (which I considered a healthy re-examination of my thoughts and beliefs).

But Hillary voted for the Iraq war, which I cannot abide. And as far as I can see, her campaign has not been able to shake the impression that she's running for president because she really really wants to be president. I am sure that Obama's motivation is not selfless, but he just seems removed from our current political narrative, whereas Hillary seems as if she's its inevitable product. He's just diferent, as Chris Satullo writes in an excellent op-ed in today's Inky.

Hopefully I get the chance to vote for Obama again in a few months.

I cant stand this indecision, married with a lack of vision...

In the two big races in Center City and our little slice of SoPhi, I voted for Queen of Good Government Anne Dicker in the PA Senate District 1 race, and Peggy Banaszek in the PA House District 182 race. Despite Dicker's disorganized campaign, I was more turned off by Farnese/Dougherty in the Senate race.

Nothing ever lasts forever...

Banaszek actually came to our house to ask for our vote (well, my vote; I wasn't home at the time and Kris is a registered independent). Babette Josephs has been by most accounts a fine representative for decades (and will probably continue to be after a victory today), but Banaszek's bona fides are strong, she'd be new blood in a legislature with rising Democratic stars, and quite frankly it's hard to ignore a personal appeal from somebody who lives in the neighborhood.

So, satisfied with my participation in the democratic (and Democratic) process, I drove down 5th Street, past Independence Hall, leaving the rows and rows of TV trucks behind me as I motored towards the Ben Franklin Bridge, my iPod beginning to play through my car's speakers...

Everybody wants to rule the world...

devil's den

2008-04-19T12:17:00.000-04:00

Last night Kris, Man-Chris and Man-Chris' girlfriend Hillary tried out the new gastropub in "SoPhi" (I will get this nickname to stick), Devil's Den (1148 S. 11th St.). I was very excited, as we are (or really, I am) desperate for that one awesome, comfy, chill local place where we can go and convince friends to hang out in our 'hood (i.e., SoPhi), and Devil's Den is only four blocks away.

From the inside, the place looks great, and given that it was the first truly beautiful night of the year, the windows had been thrown open and everything was very comfortable. For me. My wife was roasting, but that may be because she's preggers.

There are great beers on tap; I had two Schneider Aventinuses (Aventini? Aventinii? Let's get some declensions for this shit), which had been impossible to find in draught form since dear departed Ludwig's departed; I also tried out the Rowhouse Red from the new Philadelphia Brewing Co.

But the food was, uh, not good. Lukewarm mussels are gross, and three of us each got stttttttttttttttt66666666666666666666666666666hj (cat-like typing detected! Probably because Pandora just walked across the keyboard) a different variety of gross lukewarm mussels. Our pommes frites were a bit overdone, in that they could have been called "toothchippers" on the menu.

After our meal, our very sweet waitress accidentally dumped beer down Hillary's back, and comped us for... one beer.

It would have been nice to see the management make more of an effort to apologize, especially considering 1) they're new, and 2) I really really really wanted to like this place.

As it is, there is great potential here that will remain unfulfilled until the kitchen gets its act together. Maybe we'll try this place again in the fall. In the meantime, we'll still be waiting for that one kickass local joint to steal our hearts (hopefully not for real, though); a home away from home in SoPhi.

noooooooooo

2007-12-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

The wife informs me that NBC has all but cancelled "Journeyman," one of my two favorite new shows this fall ("Pushing Daisies" is the other). It's really a shame - I didn't think I'd like it as much as I did. Well-written, well-acted, interesting characters that felt real, plus a cool time travel element.

Hopefully NBC will change its mind.

i hate sports

2007-11-26T13:56:00.000-05:00

I decided yesterday that I hate sports. Consider:

The Giants - Well on their way to yet another second-half collapse. To make matters worse, the Eagles have once again sprinkled themselves with pixie dust, and despite their loss to the Patriots last night, will go on a magical late-season run that their fans will lament after it does not end in a victory in Super Bowl XLII. The difference is, they get their magical late-season run, whereas Giants fans get to listen to their team yap about how great it is before seeing them lose the same games they've been losing forever, only worse.

When A.J. Feeley - A.J. Fucking Feeley - plays so much better on the road against one of the best teams in league history than Eli Manning does against a 4-6 team at home that it's not even close, it's time to blow it up and get to that decade-long post-first-overall-pick-bust hangover earlier.

The Mets - Well on their way to an offseason that might be as demoralizing as their September collapse. If they were a movie studio, they'd try to get Brad Pitt and somehow end up with Carrot Top starring in all of their pictures.

The worst thing of all is that they had a moderately good thing going, and they've blown it in that divine way that only the Mets can. What can you say about a team that turns Jose Reyes from joy personified to asshole diva? What can you say about an organization for which palace intrigue is as natural as winning is to the Yankees? What can you say about players who said they were bored while leading a race for a division title that they would eventually lose? (I might remind you the Mets have only won five of those things in their entire sad history). What can you say about a manager who says the "real fans" knew they were trying hard the whole time?

The Knicks - Virtually dead to me. I'm a Knicks widower at this point. It's hard to imagine an organization for which constant losing and lack of passion is dwarfed only by how morally offensive it is to any decent person.

The Rangers - I'm sure they'll blow their nice start and join the rest of my teams. They lost yesterday, and another loss to the Islanders later this week seems like a good start. Stringing me along until an April collapse seems the likeliest possibility, though.

I can handle losing. The Mets losing in the 2006 playoffs didn't hurt that badly until the team made it clear that strike three looking was as good as it was gonna get.

But I'm sick of caring about teams that go beyond losing and make me embarassed to root for them. If they don't care, why should I? Why do I?

I hate sports.

remember...

2007-10-23T13:57:00.000-04:00

... the ending of "A Nightmare on Elm Street," when everything's seemingly OK and the mom is waving goodbye on the front porch, and Freddy's arm breaks through the front door's glass pane, grabs the mom and sucks her through an impossibly small opening?

It would be cool to be able to do that in real life. Especially at work, when you walk by somebody's office and the door is closed and they're listening to smooth jazz very loudly in there, and you bet they're all cool and relaxed.

I bet they wouldn't see that coming.

dear mets

2007-06-13T15:32:00.000-04:00

Please win before I go.

I would love to go on my honeymoon not feeling like there's some weirdness between us. If it comes to that, I'll spend a 10-hour plane ride pondering how shitty you've been to me.

Oh, I know I'm not the only one you've hurt... but sometimes it feels like it.

So please... let's hush up all of the hateful gossip. Let's not give 'em something to talk about, especially this weekend.

Just prove to me that you still care.

Just win.

More than once, preferably.

bachelor party time!

2007-06-01T20:17:00.000-04:00

Tonight at sundown, it begins.

Despite what Hurricane Schwartz (Shwartz? Schwarz? you know, the weather nerd from channel 10) will tell you - i.e., that sundown is roughly around 8:23 pm - glorious Sol actually sets at roughly 7:05 pm tonight. That's when my bachelor party begins - with first pitch at Citizens Bank Park (alas, Shea Stadium is many, many miles away).

Judging solely by the fact that they're actually coming to a baseball game just to celebrate with me tells me how cool my friends - aka, the Bachelor Partiers - are. Three of them hate baseball, and two of them are Yankees fans. Yet they'll be there with me to witness the Phillies take on Barry Bonds and the Giants.

I must admit, I have no rooting interest in this affair; I have an intense dislike for the Phillies, and even without the Barry Bonds thing I think I'd have a vague, nebulous distaste for the Giants. As it is, I just don't like 'em. Never have. Make no mistake - I'll have one eye on the out-of-town scoreboard to see how the Mets are doing.

Then tomorrow we watch Yankees-Red Sox in the afternoon, go to dinner at Ruth Chris, and play poker through the night in our room at the Embassy Suites here in town. And that's as far as I know; given that I've charged Man-Chris with planning this party, there may be surprises yet (my one edict - no strippers. I'm just not a stripper kind of guy).

I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone! And admittedly, I'm looking forward to seeing Barry Bonds play. I haven't seen him play since I was a kid, and steroids or not, tonight could be history in the making.

So... I've had an idea for a blog post for a while - I've wondered what it would be like if you tried to make your everyday conversations sound like dialogue from flashbacks on "Lost." And I think it would go a little something like this...

Me: "Hey Person X, do you have a stapler I could borrow?"

Person X: "Sure, here you go."

Me: "Thanks. And remember - EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON."

Then there'd be a whoosh, and Person X would be on The Island, thinking about how that stapler he let me borrow was actually a metaphor for his intense personal flaws.

So there you go; that's how it would work.

Bye now!

something tells me they won't get that PG-13 rating

2007-05-23T13:23:00.000-04:00

"Wenyerpushd... killn'seaseesbrethn."