Time is an amazing thing.  It truly does heal all wounds.  I do not miss my father even an ounce less today as the day he died, but I simply do not hurt like I did four years ago.  I have moved on and I have a completely separate life from the one where I was Daddy’s Girl.  Sure, I have a tough time at weddings during the Father-Bride dance and I don’t adore Father’s Day, but otherwise, life is good.

I knew I would be okay, I just had to get to okay.  But I didn’t know how my mother would handle the death of her soul mate.  She had a tough go at it for awhile but she was a fighter and never wanted to appear weak or broken.  This may have been one of the biggest faults that she had during that time, but it was her fighting mechanism and it was the way she got through the pain.  Today, she is a perfectly normal, adjusted 60 something year old.  I don’t even think people would use the word widow to describe her because she has become so independent and self-reliant (for the most part) that you wouldn’t think to use widow, which has some connotation of reliance and weakness.

I have had people tell me numerous times that I should write a book about losing a parent, because it is scary for everyone and a situation that most of us will go through during our lifetime. While it is scary, terrifying and overwhelming, it isn’t the end of the world. Your life will go on, albeit without one person, but you will still achieve the successes and happiness and failures that you would have had with or without that parent. When he died, I wasn’t sure of all these things, but I am living proof that life does continue on with all the highs and lows.

This weekend, I invited my mother to go to Paris with me for about a week at the beginning of July.  Sans Justin, just the two of us girls.  My mother has never been to Paris and visiting the Louvre has always been one of her life’s dreams. While I’m sure she would do anything to have my father back, this trip is one that I do not think would have occurred if he had not passed away for a host of unconnected reasons.  I guess things work out for her too in ways she never would have understood or expected four years ago today.

Everyone misses my dad, from my family to our close family friends, who equally adored him.  He was gregarious, intelligent and kind.  And I am still very proud to be called his daughter.

To Smile.

At first I thought that I would come up with a 365 day list.  It would be something to do every single day that may help benefit or motivate this journey.  Then I realized that a 365 day list is a bit too daunting, so why not start with a list of 50 daily things that help achieve happiness.

So below is a list of ~20 different task.  Some are silly, some are focused on helping others, some take 5 minutes, some take longer.  But here is where I need your help.  Email me (or post a comment below) with 2 suggestions you have about daily task that have to do with happiness.  It can be anything!

1. Color a picture

2. Dance around like a child

3. Bake cookies for a friend

4. Pay for someone’s check

5. Read a child a book

6. Go for a walk with a camera

7. Visit a museum

8. Take a bubble bath with only candles and music

9. Be nice to someone who is short or rude to you

10. Write a piece of poetry

11. Do a small craft project

12. Leave a bigger tip than normal

13. Work outside

14. Watch a classic black and white movie

15. Read the bible every day for a week

16. Avoid texting, facebook or twitter for a day.

17. Write someone a note or letter

18. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers

19. Learn to rock climb

20. Have an at-home spa pampering session

21. Do my husband chores for him

There you have it!  Once again–email me (fitzalan80 at gmail.com) or comment below with your ideas about something different to do everyday that brings you happiness.  Remember, I’m trying to get his list to 50 and I need your help!

To Smile.

I never quite know how my life, my writing and my feelings come across on here.  I know tons of family and friends read my blog and I have a few people that I do not know in real life reading this thing.  It can be a bit intimidating knowing that all these people know my thoughts and feelings on such a personal level.  But I guess the fact that I write it and put it out there is a bit like an exhibitionist in a way.

Anyway, I wish that I could see my life and this journey that I am on through someone else’s eyes.  Does it appear simple, easy, challenging, unbelievably absurd and stupid?  I have no idea.

What I do know is that I continue to have this overwhelming feeling of comfort and ease from what I am doing.  No, by ease, I do not mean laziness.  I mean a sense of calmness in my heart and soul.  As in, I have a sense that I am at ease in the decisions that I continue to make.  In my heart, I know they are the right one’s for me, at least for right now, and that is so reassuring.

When I look at my schedule and my life, it completely is upside-down and so different from what it was just three months ago.  I probably would have scoffed at the idea of working until 9PM or some days working on Sunday’s.  But somehow, none of these things feel like work or like a chore.  I am enjoying tutoring so much, especially my math students and my SAT prep kids, that I get almost excited for each session.  You know you enjoy what you are doing when an hour seems to go by in a blink of an eye.

But none of this has been easy.  I have to stay on top of myself and stay motivated.  I have to realize that the tutoring sessions will die off some during the summer and I may need to figure some other source of income during that time.  More writing would be ideal. There are days where I do not feel motivated and do not want to write, but unfortunately, I have to force myself to produce something of a respectable caliber.

I think more than anything, what I want to come across on my blog is that I am thriving.  That this journey is so much fun and I continue to amaze myself.  I am so proud of where I gotten to, but I am not settling at this.  I am interested, excited and a bit anxious about where I will continue to go.  The beginning was quitting the job, not the end. I just assume that having a drive that is centered in my heart and having the support of my family and friends (in particular Justin) that nearly anything is possible.

To Smile.

Afternoon!  My day has been so upside-down.  This morning, the alarm went off around 5:15AM because Justin had to travel for work.  Usually, I am able to ignore the alarm or go back to sleep.  Not today.  My brain started racing immediately.  Don’t you hate when this happens?!  I was supposed to go to spin class at 6:30AM but right around 6, I felt myself starting to be able to go back to sleep.  Knowing that I have to tutor until 9PM tonight, I figured sleep trumped spin class.

I slept until maybe 7:20 and then my brain was up and going again, so I figured I may as well get up and quit wasting the day.  I was in the office and writing by 7:30.  I still wanted to go to spin class and was thinking that a noon-time spin class would be ideal.  I looked at the gym’s schedule and the only other class that I could make today was at 9:30AM.  Yikes! Time to write fast!

I walked into the 9:30 class to find a PACKED room.  Usually, at the 6:30AM class, at most 15 people are in there.  In this class, I managed to grab on of the last bikes in the far back.  To be honest, I was a bit terrified by the class.  It was composed of a lot of stay at home mother’s that looked like they had been airbrushed, overly tanned and eat nothing but rice cakes.  I was jealous and intimidated.

The class then went on to kill me.  The teacher was insane.  I don’t think we took a break at any point.  I honestly felt my heart pounding through my chest and had to standard cyclist face of open mouth with tongue out to the side.  I was doing anything to get more oxygen into my lungs.  Did you watch any of the cross country skiing on the Olympics?  When the skiers for the 30 or 50km races crossed the finish line, they would immediately collapse.  I considered doing this over the side of my bike multiple times.

I finally finished class and waddled to the shower.  When I got home, I was finished up a few articles I needed to write and then the rest of the day was mine and it was only 11:30AM!

I spent about an hour and a half getting organized/prepared for my tutoring, in particular SAT tutoring.  The book I work out of is MASSIVE, maybe ~800-1000 pages, so getting a better schedule to follow for each session just puts me more at ease.  Then I made a bunch of mini loaf meatloaves to put in the freezer, that way Justin can still eat some good homemade food on nights where I am working late. Finally, I cleaned up the kitchen and went through the MASSIVE pile of mail that I needed to tackle.

My day has definitely been upside down but I think I have actually been more productive this way than if I worked straight through my day and then had a long break from say 6-bedtime.  Now, I tutor from 4:30-9 and hopefully will come and just crash.  I am a bit concerned that I may start to get exhausted after such a productive day, but I guess, we will see!

Have I mentioned lately that I love my life?

To Smile!

People ask me all the time what my normal day is like and how I make money.  I think people are either confused, amazed or think I’m lying. They cannot figure out how I actually am making a living.  Every day is different for me and I kind of like that.  I try to volunteer or donate blood throughout the week.  The fact that I tutor means that I am reliant on the schedule of others.  Often, kids get sick or simply need to cancel a session.  I know to be lenient with my afternoons.  Anyway, here is what my normal day looks like:

5:50-Alarm goes off.  I’m in the car no later than 6:10 to head to the gym

6:20-7:40-Gym.  I usually like to shower at the gym so that I am already dressed for the day.  If I wait until I am home, then who knows when it will happen

7:40-9:00-Eat breakfast, pack Justin’s lunch, catch up on emails, balance checkbook, watch the Today Show.

9:00-12:30-Go to the office and write.  People keep asking what do I write.  I write for several companies doing college admissions and other college topics, restaurant directory and hotel recommendations.  Odd, yes.  But I am not expected to have an opinion on the restaurant directory’s or hotel recommendations, I simply gather all the information from places like Conde Nast Traveler or Frommers and list this information.  It is actually a lot of fun.  I learn a lot about the world and feel like I am making an escape while I am researching these places.

-I do not allow myself to answer my phone, email, facebook, internet surf or twitter except for the last 10 minutes of each hour.  Otherwise I am so unproductive!

12:30-1:00-Lunch.  I turn on the TV and enjoy brainless TV.

1:00-3:00-Back to writing.

Depending on the day, I will prep for my tutoring sessions for awhile and then get ready and head out the door. Every day my tutoring sessions start at different times.  Some days I start as early as 3PM and several days I tutor until 7PM.  Tutoring goes so quickly.

As of this week, I am making 90% of my pre-tax salary.  Pretty good, eh?  I was looking at ways to make more money and get this number up to 100% and Justin said I need to chill out.  Instead of focusing on making more money, I need to think of other things that I enjoy and put effort into those for awhile.  This is tough for me to do because I am so driven by money but I think he is right.  I really want to dedicate more time to advancing my own French and I should be able to do this.  Vocab, vocab, vocab!  Instead of writing for another hour, I may try to dedicate an hour to my French.  We will see though….like always, I am a work in progress.

Anyway, it is 9AM, so that means no more blogging and time to write.  I need to write a blog article for a company and would like to get that researched and have the rough draft written before lunch.  So I am off.  Have a great day!

To Smile.