Happy Beginnings

eternal life

2012-04-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

on March 14th my daddy took his last breath of earthly and and his first breath of heavenly air. one part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and cheer for him, but the other part of me wants to tie a rope around his leg and pull him back.
Grief is a weird thing. you cant give an equation to someone and say this is what it will look like, this is when it will show up, this is how you will feel, and this is how long it will take. All that would be helpful. But its not how it is.
Grief requires grace!
It wont look the same for any two people. it shows up at totally inopportune times. its on its own schedule. its totally inconvenient.
Yet its part of this life.
John 16:33 says, " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But that heart! I have overcome the world."
In this instance I love the word BUT.
You see, I know that i know that I KNOW that God told the truth, for us who believe and place our faith and trust in the Lord that this isn't it. That death is our reward. Because what waits for us is a loving Savior who died so we can spend eternity with Him.
I keep wondering, what are they doing? What does it look like? I know that's not for me to know yet. Its not my turn. But it was my Daddy's.
I'm having trouble with this... how to reconcile my daddy's new self with his old self. I'm totally good on the physical differences. I love thinking of my dad as whole and pain free. Its the personally things I'm having trouble with. How is he not worried about my mom? He loved her so deeply and he would have never wanted to be without her, yet he is?.?And he"s okay with it. I believe worry isn't part of heaven but my earthly mind is having trouble wrapping itself around some things.
Its a few days later now. I started this post last week and didn't get it posted. On Sunday my little guy was having a rough day and after church I asked him what his lesson was about. And he said, ( i love how God works) it was about the verse John 16:33 that we will have trouble in this life but Jesus has overcome the world. Okay so that verse is the verse God is using for our family right now. I love that no matter how I feel and no matter what happens here. I can have hope. Its my right as a child of the King. I have to choose it but its mine nonetheless.
So I'm gonna trust and grieve and KNOW that there is an after this.

I'm Back

2012-02-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back. I feel like last year stole my voice. I just had nothing to say because I spent the year with a broken heart. It seemed as soon as I thought I had my footing, the rug got pulled again. This new years eve at midnight I brought in the new year in tears. 2011 held illness and death and life altering changes. It just felt like one thing after another and as many times as I pleaded with the Lord to come back and get us all so the heartache would stop He chose not to.

So I've been forced to deal with myself.
To stand up and fight for those I love and for myself, when I wanted to fall down and wallow.(the fighting was done mostly on my knees.)
I've found out I'm made of a lot stronger stock than I thought.
I've found that the heart of God has more love and mercy than I believed.
I've learned to rely on the spirit to turn my uttering into words of prayer.
I've found that even when I feel my voice is quieted the Lord hears the whispers of my heart.
I've found that alone as loneliness feels, I am NEVER alone.

So I decided to draw a line in the sand between 2011 and 2012. This year has already had its challenges but I'm different because of that line.
I looked my companion from last year right in the eyes and told him he wasn't welcome this year.That he had to stay in 2011. That companion is fear. The fear that held my hand last year is the paralyzing, crippling fear that kept me from accomplishing anything last year.
This side of the line holds freedom, excitiment, joy, love, acceptance.
I'm learning to be a good follower. Realizing my ways pale in comparision to the way the Lord wants for me.
I'm ready to believe that I can be differnt, usable, challenged.

So bring on this new year. I plan to look this year in the eye on Dec. 31st and be proud of who I am. To say thank you Lord for changing me, growing me, loving me. Stay tuned.

Playing in the storm

2011-09-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

I love the bible stories that have storms in them. They are exciting and scary. and someone is always overcoming and learning something. Fear. Trust. Dependence. Yet, boy, I do not personally handle storms in my life well. And right now is a season of storms for my family. Each day brings new challenges, a new batch of tears, fear, uncertainty, questions, prayers. You get the picture, I'm a mess. I know where to run but God and I are on different timeline right now. I want it quick and He wants to take His time. And rationally I know His timing is perfect so why doesn't it feel perfect?
I'm the first one in line for a friend in crisis, with my Pollyanna attitude and yet here I sit frustrated. I can cheer lead like nobodies business for a friend but for me I'm Eeyore. I actually know why... It's too personal. See if it is your storm I'm only effected by what I'm invited into, but when its my storm I can't escape. ( every time I hear the word escape I hear Dory's voice in my head saying," its spelled like escape but its es-ca-pe' " )
Well God gave me a sweet, sweet visual. In Arizona we have a Monsoon season. The temps will reach up to 115 in the day, yet as the sun descends the clouds will roll in, the wind will pick up, dust will be as thick as fog, the lighting and thunder and finally the rain. Some nights its massive. Just buckets and buckets of rain. well we had one of the big ones a couple weeks ago and do you know what the children in my neighborhood did? All of them including mine put on their bathing suits and went outside and had a water fight. The laughter and fun that was had in my neighborhood was precious. I wish I had a picture but at the time I felt God nudging me to just be present in the moment. So I was. And at that moment He got my attention. That's what I should be doing in my storm. Stomping in the puddles and head back laughing. And as I've pondered this I've realized a few things...
1. the kids weren't anxious for the storm to end and neither should I be.
2. Having fun in the storm didn't shorten the storm it just made it fun.
3. God delights in my acceptance of His plan.
4.I will eventually end. And will I overcome or am I overcome?
I'm still a work in progress but with a keen eye to notice whats being taught I hopefully can make my Father proud.

wildfires

2011-09-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

I grew up in Southern California so every year the Santa Ana winds would come and reek havoc. Fires would start and fire fighters would valiantly battle them. The fires would eventually distinguish and if it didn't effect you personally then life would go on. But what about the peoples whose lives were affected? What then, for them? What about the trees and plants, the wild life that had been displaced? I so carelessly went on without a second glance. Shame on me. The Lord has captured my heart in a way that I can no longer just send up a quick prayer. He makes me want to be different. He has put compassion in my heart that doesn't allow me to ignore others. It's so good yet so painful. to watch others suffer without a solution. That''s where He comes in.
But what if we are the ones the fire hits?
This year my life has been hit by wildfires. Not a real fire but a proverbial fire.
The kind that put me in a boxing ring with God.
He won of course but in the process I found out how big He really is.
He is big enough for me to be mad at Him.
He is big enough for my question.
He is big enough for my tears.
He is big enough to fix it.
And I learned that I need to trust even when it doesn't make sense.
Even when He chooses another way and does use my suggestions.
Wildfire #1You see on January 11th,2011 God stopped a clock in my life. My sweet Joanne had a massive stoke. Spent weeks in a coma and has been battling back ever since. The road has been long and hard and she is still in the middle of treatment and not totally back to normal. She is brave and strong, even when she doesn't feel it. This was a huge wildfire in my life. My friend had something happen and I couldn't change it. Couldn't pray my way passed it. Couldn't joke my way out of it.
Wildfire #2 My dad's illness gets the better of him on some days. I want to breathe for him. I don't want him to struggle but I can't change that either. His balance is goofy now and I would like to steady him. But I can't. He's a fighter and even when doctors don't think he can battle back, he does. Yet I wish he didn't have to battle.
Wildfire #3 My honey lost his job. July 1st was his last day. He is such an amazing man and I struggle with employers not seeing that. Their loss but still, here we are.
These are just the big ones, the ones I can't stomp out. But here's what I'm learning....
God is big enough
He doesn't need my help, just my trust
In the middle there is no seeing the outcome. But God has a different view point.
After I step back, off of God's toes, and see Him at work and I experience joy and love.
I get to love my friends and family, extravagantly.
Wildflowers grow out of the burned up.
My wildflowers have been.
#1 Having a friend that is still here with me. We can still live, love, dream together.
#2 I can visit and cheer my dad on often. He's still mine and I get to love him.
#3 Lots of family time. We had a great summer being together in a way that isn't possible with Daddy working. We are still a loving unit.
See God doesn't always save us from the wildfires in our life's but He does see us through them.

Why memorize

2011-08-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

So last week we started memory verse Monday's. My kids are normal kids so this just sounded like another chore. But their determined mom set out to make this a delight. So each night we would chat about what the verse meant to us, this side of the cross. The verse was Duet. 20:1. Well this is how the week played out...
Wed night at dinner, mom pulls out the card.
Cooper throws his head back and says," not that again!"
Mom disappointed say," yes bud this again." trying to sound upbeat and fun.
Cooper," ok mom let me tell it to you." and he preceded to recite it
My eyes and face showed my shock as I replied," wow, I didn't even think you'd been listening to me."
Thur night dinnertime. Mom pulls out the card.
Savi says," I've got it mom." And off she goes reciting the verse.
Amazed I announce( cause as the mom you've gotta have a little fun jerking their chain) " wow you guys are so god at this maybe we should make this an every 3 day thing?"
To that I got the classic eye rolls and a no once a week is good.
So this week the Cran's are memorizing Psalm 119:11 which says...
"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You."
Short and to the point. I want my kids to know why we are disciplining ourselves to memorize God's word.
See I want God's word hidden as treasures in their hearts because the truth is, I don't know what tomorrow holds. Oh I've got stuff on the calendar but honestly I'm not in control of tomorrow so I need to know I've got scripture hidden in my heart and know that I have equipped my children with it too. that way when the enemy strike we've got weapon's to conquer him with.

LOVE

2011-08-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

I had an experience that has parked itself in my mind and heart and just won't leave. Ever happen to you. You just can't get over it. I try to turn those things into prayers but this one made me mad and helpless.
So here it is...
When we were camping our camp site was surrounded by trees and bushes so often we could hear peoples conversations but not see them. Which brought out my nosey. Well at one campsite there was this woman. Yikes this woman. We all know the type that sits in a chair and loudly orders everyone else around. And does it without pleases and thank yous. Her voice was loud and rude and down right mean sometimes. I was very tempted to go over and get a look at her but to be honest I was a little afraid. Nonetheless I did get a good look at her when she came out of her site to use the restroom and saw me washing our dinner pans. She preceded to boss me around and tell me I wasn't doing it right. I smiled on the outside but my insides didn't match my smile.
Anyway the next morning was our departure day. So Jeff and I got up early to start breaking down camp. When Coop woke up, he was mad at us because even though we had told him several times we were leaving in the morning he had made plans with kids from other campsites and was upset that he wasn't going to be able to play. He was crying and would not receive the hug I wanted to give. Knowing him I knew how disappointed he was.
Meanwhile something is taking place at the campsite we could hear but not see. A little boy had said something and this woman was talking mean to him. He started to cry and then she preceded to make fun of him, calling him crybaby and such. Enough to make my blood boil.
Two campsites, two crying little boys, two very different experiences.
I realized later how easy it is to be mean. It seems powerful, you don't have to use self discipline.
But LOVE now that is real power, shows restraint, creates teaching moments, gives acceptance. LOVE, it cost us more but isn't that worth it? To build up instead of tear down. I'm thankful I tend to choose LOVE over meanness. I pray for that family often, even though I want her to get whats coming to her. But when God delivers a message it is much more impactful than if say, I did.
LOVE!!!! Do it! Be it!!

Hiding God's Word

2011-08-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

So as the school year starts for my children, this week, yikes. I've as a mom decided that their teachers can teach them all sorts of things that will benefit them but I'm gonna jump on board and teach them what REALLY matters. I'm gonna teach them the discipline of memorizing. Hiding God's word in their heart.

This week we as a family are going to memorize

Deuteronomy 20:1
When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than your, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, will be with you.

I know it feels like a weird verse to have our family memorize the 1st week of school but hears what I get from this verse.

The war now days might not be physical but lets face it. Everything wants my children, music, cults, sports. you name it and it wants to steal my children's love for God and put other things in front of Him. that's a war.

Also the things our head tells us is also a war. We or I tell myself lies all the time. your worthless, incapable, fat. You name it so its a war in there too.

And our enemy never shows up alone, cause hes a coward. He brings friends to trip us up.

BUT because My Savior has brought us all out of our own desert places we can be confident that HE is with us. And we don't need to fear because our enemy is on a leash held by the Lord.

So that's why this mom chose that verse. I want to give my children the arsenal of God word to battle any attack they may face.

Turning 40

2011-08-06T14:37:00.000-07:00

Ok so it happened. I turned 40 over a month ago and I am just now ready to send this out. If your wondering... I did not do it gracefully. As a matter of fact I did it down right awful. I put my husband, my family, and my friends in an ugly place and for that I am super sorry.
I can't even really tell you how it happened but I woke up the morning of my birthday and as I opened my eyes, I already knew. I wasn't in a good place. I went down to spend some time with the Lord but didn't engage my heart in the time, cause I was already making a mental plan. My family was going to go to the movies that morning and I thought if I could get them out of the house and gone for a few hours I'd have time to kill myself. I know it sounds harsh and believe me it was. I just couldn't deal. And in my ugly fantasy I had them still having the party cause I was going to do it neatly so they wouldn't have much clean up. Thoughtful huh? Well since I'm blogging about it you know that my family didn't leave me home alone. I went through the day in such despair.
The next day got worse, not better. I told my husband that I was leaving him. I just needed to run away. He didn't let me. He sat and listened to my uglies. Then without advise just held me.
That week my friends and family didn't leave me alone which showed me love but also irritated me. I spent lots of time with the Lord asking why? and how? and what now?
Saw one of my spiritual giants who graciously spent 4 hours chatting through it with me. Both her and my man's conclusion was that my time is now. The plan God has put in my path is approaching. And the enemy knew it. So he showed up with a legion of friends to attack me like a football team. And they won the game. I was vulnerable and they took advantage of it.
But because I'm God's daughter I WILL win the tournament.
I've also learned some valuable lessons by hitting the bottom so hard. And here they are....
1. Be ready. Put on the Full armor of God. Not just the stuff that goes with my outfit.
2. Brother's have great insight. Mine does. He knows me and could recount victories and defeats. And then he said something so helpful I have clung to it. But its mine so I'm not sharing it.
3. Love conquers all.
4. When the battle starts, go even when you are battle worn.
5. The only weapon needed is Jesus' name.
6. Don't entertain ugly thoughts, even for a minute.
7. Know scripture and say it to yourself. even if it is only one verse. Say it over and over and over again until you believe it..
8. Let others know and carry you. Its hard to admit weakness but conrads in the journey make the burden lighter. And the enemy looses ground cause its not a secret and we aren't alone.
9. When God says stay, stay but when He says go, go. Even afraid.

I hope I'm the only one who this ever happens to. But just incase I'm not, Be brave and don't run.

Bird cages vs. bird nests

2011-07-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

I love bird cages. Not sure why but I do. I also love bird nests. I'm sure why I like them, have you seen one? They are intricate and beautifully woven together by a creature without hands and fingers. Amazing. Now there is only one bird cage that I've bought, mostly, to be honest I don't like to dust and the more stuff I have the more I have to dust. So I look at them in antique shops but I leave them there.
Anyway, I was in my bible study chair doing bible study when my mind started decorating. Ever happen to you? Reading about Joseph and how he handled the famine and "hum, I could put a nest in front of my cage that would be cute." Good ole distraction. Satan's brilliant at it.
As I day dreamed about how cute that would look the thoughts popped into my head, oh lets be honest God used Satan's distraction to point something out to me. I love that He always wins.

A bird in a cage is trapped. The cage may be pretty but she is still trapped. Her song is still there but maybe not as sweet. Her view is always the same.

While a bird with a nest is free. Free to come and go as she pleases. Free to work on her nest or just enjoy it. She see the world around her as she flies over it. Her song is a rejoicing song.

God in His ever so gentle why asked," daughter which one do you live in?"
He already knows the answer but He allows me to figure it out for myself.
I ponder.
I know what I want to say. But is it true?
I feel burdened by my answer.
Jesus died on the cross and rose again to give me life. Freedom. Yet if I'm honest I am still in that cage. The one that holds me back. Fear, insecurity, disbelief, worry, doubt. They are old friends trying to keep me from changing.
But I am changed. I am NEW!! Christ did that for me. Now I need to live it.
Yes the cage is pretty but I'm trapped. So I got up and found an ordinary piece of string and I tied the door to my cage open. Now I'm a girl so I'll say this. I wanted to go find a pretty ribbon to tie it open cause that would look cute in my front room but...
The thing that set me free was two pieces of wood, three carpenters nails and the blood of my Savior. Not pretty but the most beautiful thing ever.
The funny thing is that piece of ordinary string was just sitting on my table. Why I don't know, best guess I have a seven year old, but I think that God wanted to say," Just open it Daughter"

And now a nest. Freedom. Experience. Life.

Worst news... or was it?

2011-07-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

So July 1st was Jeff's last day at his job. He had been let go due to restructuring. which I think is code for get rid of the professionals we have to pay and bring in college students cause they'll work for cheaper. I know that sounds bitter and maybe I am a little. My husband is an AMAZING man with so much to offer they are fools to let him go. So the news as a little hard to swallow and brought this girl to some nervous spots BUT then. GOD!!!!
Daughter why are you worried, don't you trust Me?
Daughter I've got this... Watch!!
I love him more than you do, daughter.

So I shut up and sat still and watched. I realized that my security had been rocked. I wasn't afraid of the stuff I couldn't get or the stuff I might loose it was more the unknown.

Well we are now the middle of July and Jeff has some great leads, no job offers yet BUT.....

We have had so much fun as a family. We went camping in the middle of the week. Super fun. When we arrived at the beach this happened...

Now I don't know if the Lord announces you to the beach like that but that's how He announces the Cran's!!! :)

It was just that kind of trip. Fun was had by all and God showed Himself as if to say, " I love camping with you guys."

After camping we can home late Saturday evening and washed clothes, went to church Sunday, had a great time at a friends house and then...

back in the car for another during the week trip to CA. this time to see our family and friend. Super fun

See what God know is that another job is going to come and we will find our new normal with that job but family time is a gift. We are very thankful that we had a chance to be the traveling Cran's for two weeks. It also makes coming home feel delicious too. So yes its a bummer that Jeff got let go but its also a blessing. We get to learn to trust God more and to find joy in the simple. So yes the day hurt but the adventure just took a left turn and this road is exciting in its own way... What comes next? Where will Jeff's next mission field be? Cause if you know Jeff you know he does not waste opportunities to point others to Christ. So here we go, a little tattered around the edges, wiping the dirt from our smiling faces, and with a sparkle of hope and excitement for the journey.

favorite things

2011-07-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

On our trip to Maine there are a few things that happened that made my heart melt and a huge lump park itself in my throat. And the funny thing is I wasn't involved in any of them. They were all things I over heard.

Both my children, when taking about me referred to my chair as "my mom's bible study chair." I realized that my everyday quiet time isn't just for me and God, it is passing on a legacy of a special place to meet with God. My children notice and are catching what I want to pass on. AMEN!!

My father in law is a very quiet but loving man. I know he thinks nice stuff about all of us but it's rare he says it out loud. I was in the kitchen making a sandwich when my father in law can in and put both his hands around my daughters face and said," I like your hair short but you have such a beautiful face I want to see it more." If I could of melted into the cupboards I would of cause it was such a special moment for them two. And just so you know how much that meant to her, everyday after that she clipped her bangs to the side.

And about my meeting place, my Rock, I came in one morning when Auntie had slept over and she asked if I had just got up? I said no I had just been at the beach and she replied she would of come with me. To that Cooper announced that she couldn't go with me cause it was my time to talk to God. He knew this cause he had asked if he could come with me one morning and his daddy let him know it was mommy's time with God.

Sometimes, I've come to realize, its not the events we place in our lives that make the most profound memories its what happens at those events. Its a statement or a look that makes it worth remembering. So my challenge to you is... be a noticer. I think you will be surprised at what you are leaving for others to notice, and in turn you notice also.

do overs and holy ground

2011-07-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

Last year before our trip to Maine, God said he wanted to meet with me on this specific rock. He had something to chat with me about.
So super excited.
Couldn't wait to get there and then... chicken boc boc boc.
Every morning I'd wake up and the Lord would beckon me and I would find excuse after excuse. The last day of our trip Jeff said you'd better go or your gonna regret it.
So I got my notebook and I opened the back door... its raining. serves me right, all those sunny mornings, in the rain I go.
I walk the few steps to the beach and I see the exact rock God showed me, but its further than I thought and its raining ,the other rocks are slippery and I am scared.
what if I fall?
what if I get hurt?
I start the journey which in hind sight isn't that far. I make it.
I sit down.. right in a puddle. serves me right, all those sunny morning.
Now I'm sitting on the ocean shore and the fog is so thick I can't see the water. serves me right,. all those sunny morning.
God and I chatted.
I come home to my coast.
One year later.
Planning our next trip to Maine.
God says," Daughter you wanna a do over? "
You bet Lord!!!
First morning in Maine, I'm up early, so excited, I open the back door, its sunny. Down to the beach, I slip off my shoes and climb out to the Rock.
Now God had every right to shame me, make me feel small and less than. But that's not the God I serve, NO!!
I sit looking at the ocean and there is only one sun beam in the water and it points right to me and the Rock.
Love, acceptance, forgiveness, joy, celebration
God was glad I had come.
What a beautiful full circle moment for this girl and her Maker.
I went each morning and we had sweet moments and tearful moments and oh boy moments and you want me to do what moments
But the time was sweet and refreshing to my soul.
God and I bonded in a no distraction kind of way.
The last day Jeff said," we should take a picture of you on your Rock." so out we went.
I walked down the stairs, kicked off my shoes and climbed out.
Jeff was taking pictures when it hit me... I had taken my shoes off each morning and always gone out bare foot.
My own Moses moment.
In that instant I realized the Rock was my Holy ground. Lots of people through out the year will go and sit on that rock but for them it will just be a rock. Not to this girl
Just like lots of people probably walked by the bush and it never caught fire. But for Moses it was where he met God. And he was barefoot because for Moses it was Holy ground.
I don't know where your Holy spot will be but when God says He wants to chat with you, take it from this chicken... GO!!!!

My shoes by the stairs down to that beach.

Me and The Rock

HOLY GROUND!!!

Fearless.... NAH!!!

2011-06-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

So I assumed that finding the bridge would change everything. Haha. It changed nothing except my knowledge of what it was. So here I sit still on the wrong side of the bridge. The bridge in front of me.
All I have to do is start walking.
I step out.
The bridge holds.
A few tentative steps.
Deep breathe.
And then...
Satan starts whispering loudly.
"wrong way."
"He will ask to much of you, come back."
All the while the Lord is beckoning me from the other side.
Not competing with Satan, beckoning. ( God knows Hes already won the fight)
I find myself looking forward, then back.
Which way do I go. My heart knows the way but my flesh is putting up a good fight.
I am a tight rope in the tug of war on the bridge between good and evil.
I'm frustrated and scared, yet excited and anticipating something wonderful when I finally become her.
I'm going!!!

This morning my son had a situation with a tummy ache. There he sat on the potty complaining about his tummy. Then it happened ( you know it.) I asked him if he felt better.
" No", he said, " I'm doing what my tummy tells me but its still hurting."
Now I know only a mommy could take a potty experience and see God. That's exactly how I am feeling. I'm doing what your asking Lord but it still hurts. Its still scary. I'm still fearful. Sometimes, no all the time I KNOW that its better to walk that scary bridge, one tentative step at a time than stay put. So with fear and excitement, hope and worry, faith and belief all wrapped up together I'm stepping out. Doing the crazy thing. Being God's girl even in the middle of my fear. ( and I mean middle. I can't see the end but I will trust there is one.)
If God is for me, I can become fearless, or just braver.

Bridges

2011-05-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

So for the last 6 months or so I've been asking God to show me how to become the girl He wants me to be? I see her, shes across the river from where I am today. But how do I get there, that's my dilemma. Now I'm smart like you so I know its a bridge. But whats it made of? See the me I am today needs to logically and emotionally get across the river. So the bridge can't be made of sticks and stones, no building material necessary.

I've tried to figure out what it might take to get over there but each time I've tried to build it myself its fallen apart. So here I sit on my side of the shore. I'm a swimmer so the thought has crossed my mind. But its a rapidly moving river full of self doubt, fear, insecurity, panic, shame, guilt. Its not friendly water. So I definitely need a bridge.

In the midst of this dilemma God asked some pointed things of me. Go buy a binder, buy notebook paper, buy index cards. After I bought them He said, " put the paper in the binder, put sheet protectors in the binder, put a rubber band around the index cards." If your not laughing, go ahead and do it now. I'll wait....
I laughed, I thought am I crazy, is God really saying this or am I. Now my advise is simple. If God tells you to do IT, do IT. Whatever IT may be. Because He was getting me ready for my answer. I didn't know this but that's what happened.

I sat down to read "The Final Summit" by Andy Andrews. And on a random page in the middle of the book was my answer. And it was....

SELF DISCIPLINE!!!!

In the book the sentence went like this..." Self discipline is the bridge between what you are and what you wish to become. And unless you change how you think and how you act, you will always be what you are." I sat there is awe for a few minutes then I started to cry and laugh at the same time. Relief flooded me. Just to have the question answered. But also at that moment the scales feel off my eyes (Acts 9:18 KJV). All of the sudden things I've known became clear. The best way for me to describe it is... I felt like I was holding a handful of Connect 4 pieces. At that moment I knew which column to put them in. All my thoughts and goals were in their place and I could see the path. Deep breath moment.

So off I go. Now I need to set the right boundaries around my heart and mind, around my activitys with my body and schedule, around what I don't want to do, to get to where I do want to go. It will come down to choices and self discipline.

I'm excited and a little scared to meet the Christy, God wants me to be. Mostly excited. I know its my job to make the bridge a strong one. With God's help I know I can cause...
I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. (Col.1:17,Matt. 19:26, Rom. 8:28,8:37)

My thoughts for you is.. go find your bridge. Cross it and don't look back.

reading in order

2011-05-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

Hockey cont.. is to be read after hockey. I was in the middle of hockey when I hit the post button. So for it all to make sense start on Hockey. :)

Hockey cont...

2011-05-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm a menace with technology. Posting that was a total accident. Back to the way hockey has looked for us this season...

Cooper is the cute one with the yellow on his helmet.

Playing hard

Team huddle to get the plan

Waiting in the tunnel before the Championship game

dog piling on the goalie for a job well done

City Champions

It has been a great season of hockey for this mommy and I barely missed watching the professionals.

Well Cooper has issues with the Detroit Red Wings. They took our Phoenix Coyotes out of the play offs. Last year they did the same thing. As the story goes.... There are Red Wing fans that go to Cooper's school. We know this because the entire back window of someones SUV is a Red Wing emblem. Cooper had such issues everyday as we got into the car line and would see that car. Then one day Cooper noticed they also had a Not of this World sticker . Coop's eyes got big and his head began to shake and out came," Oh no!! They can not love Jesus and cheer for the bad guys." Under a smile, I replied," Cooper I think Jesus is ok with us cheering for different hockey teams as long as we are all on HIS team." He wasn't sure but decided he'd think about it. The night the Red Wings took our Coyotes out of the play offs, Cooper was inconsolable. After lots of talks and hugs from mom and dad we finally had to leave Cooper to work it out by himself. ( super sad night for this mommy) The next morning my prayer went something like this.." Lord if there is any mercy in you we will not see that car today." Just to let you know we do serve a God of mercy cause that car was nowhere to be found that day.

So last night we were cheering for the Sharks. It was an exciting game and our team won with a score of 3-2

Both teams wrestled and fought to win but last night it went to the Sharks.

Made me think about how sometimes God wants us to wrestle with Him. Not meanly, quite the opposite. He wants to see what we are made of and how far we will go.To grow us and it is not a win/lose kind of wrestling its a win/win kind of wrestling cause when we wrestle and go hard we find out what we are made of. That we are tougher than we thought.And the beauty of finishing strong is the blessing that comes from the Lord when He gets to say,'"Atta girl" I've learned that I am a quitter. I tend to bail out when it starts to hurt or I get scared.Well that stops now. I'm tougher than I think and I'm done buying the lie Satan throws at me that says God's trying to kill me. HE IS FOR ME!!!!So go strong sweet warriors. Lets show this world what playing like a girl looks like!!!

Hockey

2011-05-13T15:28:00.001-07:00

Last night I went with my boys to Buffalo Wild Wing's to watch the 7th game in the Detroit vs. San Jose series. The Stanley Cup play-offs are in full swing. And at the Cran house we are big hockey fans. I was raised by a hockey player and then married a huge hockey fan and now I have a hockey player. Cooper is a great athlete and his heart is set on hockey. This year has been a different hockey season for us because a year ago we decided to discontinue cable. So now our t.v. watching is intentional with movies and netflix. So the hockey we've watched this year looks like this....

My Children

2011-05-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Ya know my children are the reason I get to celebrate Mother's day so I wanted to give them a shout out.
Savanna(17) is this amazing force that God placed in my care. He looked around and said,"Christy is the right Mom for this incredible creature." and I pray always for the strength to guide her in the right direction. Cause to be honest she has an amazing future in front of her. I know Ive failed many times but because of who she is she is never tousled. And my life has been so blessed because of her. She is by far the coolest thing I've ever done. She blows me away almost every time she says something, and its not because of her breath either. :) She has insight and maturity and strength and wisdom that I only wish I had. Savanna knows who she is no matter what is going on. In the dark, in a crowd, alone, with friends, with adults, at church or at a party she is the same. She doesn't need a mask, she just remains exactly who God made her. Thank you Savanna for being the ride of a lifetime.I love you so much and as I am not looking forward to this growing up thing that keeps happening. I can't wait to see who you become. God has a powerful plan for you. Stay close to Him. Hes got the map.
Cooper(7) is exciting and playful. God put all kinds of party in Cooper when He created him. He is always up for fun. He has the kind of personality that draws people to him. As a little guy I would watch as kids and adults alike would seek him out and chat with him, in grocery stores, at play grounds, at church, in sports. Its amazing to watch as a mom and I just think, "wow who are you going to become?" I am again blessed that God chose me to be his mom. He absolutely delights my heart. When is was itty bitty he was in trouble and I was down at eye level with him giving him a talking too when that little scamp cupped my face in his chubby little hands and announced," Mommy you a princess!" I knew I was in trouble that day. My heart smiles when he tells me things and his enthusiasm is contagious. I have loved every minute of being your mom Cooper. Continue to get to know Jesus and He will lead you. You have a great gift in who you are. I pray that you always give God the Glory and thanks He deserves in all you accomplishments. You rock son.
Being a mom has been the most rewarding, trying, exciting, terrifying, wonderful time of my life. I'm so blessed to spend it with the two kids I have.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Today's the day. We get to honor those wonderful thankless women we call Mom. So I'm going to do that for all to see what a blessing my Mom is.
My mom hums when she works. Now I believe that even though I would grumble at the task she is doing, she on the the other hand does it with a cheerful heart. I hope I catch that. I still have my glove on looking into the sun to find it but it hasn't fallen on me yet. :)
My Mom is LOVE. It pours from her like a gentle moving stream. Always in motion but never over powering.
My is JOY. She has a laugh that makes her the most adorable creature. The way her eyes dance when shes going to be silly. Darling.
My Mom has PEACE. That's why I believe she can hum at the world. Her inner core is at peace with herself and the Lord.
My Mom is PATIENCE. Whether it is with her kids, her grand kids, her husband, or someone else's kids she is always patient.
My Mom is KINDNESS. She is the kind of woman who thinks of others first and in doing so she see our needs and meets them. Its a beautiful thing to watch, see and be a recipient of.
My Mom is GOODNESS. Always willing to get up and get anyone something. (while humming) She will work extra or harder just to make someone else's load less.
My Mom is FAITHFUL. In all my life I'm still waiting for the day she drops a ball. She is amazing with all the things she does and she never lets any of them fall.
MY Mom is GENTLENESS. Soft as a feather yet strong as an ox. That is my Mom. She can take a bandage off without pain and she can listen and always have a soft, honest, dead on right answer.
MY Mom is SELF-CONTROL. She never looses her cool. I lived with her in my teenage years, and I wasn't easy. Yet she was always controlled and full of wisdom.
So this wonderful woman I get to call Mom you get to call Sharon is a true Blessing. My life is so rich to have grown up under her care and now in friendship and love as two woman who love each other and love our families and mostly love the Lord. The love of Christ is the best treasure my mom has bestowed on me. Thanks Mom for being amazing and loving me. I pray I do as good of job. I love you very much. XOXO

editing

2011-05-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

Okay i sent it before rereading it so.....
the dam broke
Cooper came
She liked
If you didn't already think I was nuts, here you go.

Whats in a name

2011-05-07T07:29:00.001-07:00

Okay here's the thing... God has asked me to do something that, til this point has brought such anxiety and fear that I almost can't breathe. Now the truth is I TRUST God. So why the fear, why the questions, why the negotiating with God. Well Monday at the Cran house will go down as meltdown Monday. I found myself literally wandering in circles around my house, watching the clock, waiting til it was time to get the kids cause then I have my excuses. "Lord i was busy being a mom and you call me to be the best i can be so sorry I didn't have time today, maybe tomorrow." Per my prior sentence you all know I did. Anyway Jeff can home and could tell I was out of sorts ( I don't know how cause I feel like I mask it well) anyway.. We started to chat and down came my defenses and out came the story of my day and the dam brought and out rolled all the emotion and tears I'd been avoiding. So in our conversation Jeff was able to encourage me and get me to back away from the proverbial cliff i was about to jump off. Well as we all know that with kids and life the night went on, my distractions proved exactly that, distractions. Isn't it amazing how fast we can stuff our self back in and pour ourselves out for our kids. The night ended with me doing my bible study, and Cooper can up and asked what I was doing. I told him bible study and his eyes lit up and he said, " hold on a sec." He ran off and returned with his adventure bible. That alone sent my heart off beat but then he said," you tell me the verse and I'll look it up for you." So that's how my bible study went that night. Coop sitting on the arm of my bible study chair looking up verses and reading them to me. We ended with a fun kid devotion and family prayer. Now you would think that was the ending to a great night but God wasn't done with me yet that day. After goodnight kisses and everyone being tucked in. Jeff looks at me and says," Babe how are we going to fix your thoughts?" Loaded question! With tears I said I wasn't sure but I'd let him know when I knew. And Then....
Jeff said," Babe can I pray for you?" Now I have an amazing leader for a husband and I KNOW he lifts me up in prayer everyday, he prays with the kids BUT to pray over me out loud in front of me doesn't happen much.
He began to pray and he asked God many things and rebuked satan but what my ears heard the most is every question, every petition, every command, had my name in it. Christy, Christy, Christy. My husband was saying my name to the Savior of the world. I have never loved my name more. And I have never felt more seen and loved by my husband.
Off the sappy note our names are OURS and ours alone. Even if others are titled by the same our name is ours. And Jeff and I call each other babe or he calls my babycakes but we don't use our real names often. It reminds me when Savi as about 3 1/2 she said to me," Mommy do you know I'm someone in particular?" Now she like to use big words early so my question was always,"Do you know what in particular means?"With a crocked smile and a tilted head she say yes. So my next question was what. " Mommy its because I have a name. Everyone who has a name is in particular." Touche'
So I was thinking that we are all inparticular. and to our Savior we are not just a bunch of believers we are inparticular, one of a kind, the only one He made just like that. We are Christy or Amy or Shannah or Sharon or Joanne or Patti. Your name is just yours.We are not just one of many we are His daughter known and named and chosen and claimed. Celebrate that today!!!

Hiking

2011-04-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today we went hiking. We have great mountains about 20 minutes away from our house so we decided to take advantage of them this morning. There is something about getting my children out in nature that brings our their talkative selves. Cooper ( 7 yrs. old) had some great one liners this morning. We had just started our hike around the lake and Coop announced, " hey mom that rock has a secret code on it." Now really it was graffiti but heck in our family it turned into a secret code. So darling. He just puts a smile in my heart. Ya know what i mean? Then a little bit later we saw a clover, and Horton Hears a Who has been on a bunch at our house, and I said," is there a speck on it? What if we live on a speck, on a clover?" Then Jeff (my husband) said," What if an elephant is carrying us through the forest?" Coop was quiet for a few seconds then responded," Well if we are on a speck Jesus is carrying it." Wow!! Those are the comments that make me want to cry. Sometimes I do but I've learned to suck it in as Cooper calls it. Still my heart is so delighted that God gives us moments that say," you're doing it right."

Well about half way through the hike we realized Coop was done so him and Jeff turned around and Savi and I continued. See Cooper got a new big boy watch last night that is water proof. He could no wait to take that watch on its maiden voyage into the lake. His watch also has a stop watch which I want to be excited about but some times its annoying. to be honest. All last night it was, "mom let me time you drinking your cranberry juice." " Dad let me time how long it takes you to walk from the clock to the couch" "Let me time how long it takes to drive there" " mom it took me 9:09 to eat my frozen yogurt." " I'm gonna time how long we take to eat lunch." If you haven't gotten the idea yet I could keep going. But to tell you the truth it delights my heart that he is delighted by his new watch. I pray that I delight God by enjoying the gifts He gives me like Cooper does from me. I pray that I linger longer with the gifts God gives instead of being quick to move to the next one.

Anyway back to Savanna and I. She lead the rest of the hike. And man is she part billy goat. She just is surefooted and quick. I am much more cautious than her. Could be my age but mostly I'm just clumsy and uncoordinated. Anyway she didn't once put her headphones in she just chatted with me. We talked about her work, and dreamed of camping trips and hiking to come. But what i noticed and delighted in was she would scale a down hill or bounce up an up hill but she would turn and keep an eye on me. Ready to help if needed and at that moment I felt like such a loved mommy. Even typing it my eyes are welled up. At 17 yrs old she has so much going on yet she still keeps her eye on me. Thank you Lord!! Blessed doesn't do justice to how I feel.

We had a great time together as a family this morning. It took almost no time planning and almost no money and fun was had by all. I tend to get caught in the everything is so expensive rut. But today god reminded me that His creation is Free for me to use and enjoy. I love that He gives good gifts.

Being REAL

2011-04-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

So today God slowed me down on my walk/run. I'm getting older and today my knees said, "No Thank You" to running. So I walked. I was listening to a CD I haven't listened to before and a song came on that totally challenged me called Want to be Real. its by Chris August. He says, "I'm throwing out words I don't fully understand, I could be talking to myself but I don't think I am, Your always there saving my heart from the doubt inside." WOW!!! For me it made me stop and thank God for protecting me, mostly from myself. See I do doubt, I have a lot of fear, and I question everything. I realized this morning that my insecurity, doubt, fear, etc. live in my head, NOT in my heart. My heart belongs to Jesus and therefore none of this world's or Satan's lies can live there. And for some reason that made me feel better. I FINALLY feel like I can battle this. Its not in my heart, my most important organ and most precious gift. Its not there. So i just need to get control of my thoughts. Easy sentence to type BIG concept to figure out. But todays the day. We can... do this ladys. Why is it easier to pretend than to be real? why do we feel safer hidden behind our masks? Its fake girls. FAKE!!! I know it feels like protection but thats a lie we've bought. Our friends cant be praying for us and holding us up if they dont know what we need cause we are faking. So my challenge for you is to drop your mask! whatever it is.. husband, children, business, fear, make up. If your not sure what it is ask God to reveal it. He will! Hes not a God of secrets but He is patient and He'll wait on us. So lets make Him busy today cleaning up all our droped masks. Lets be real and see what He can do with us and lets invite our circle of family and friends into our journey. Its gonna be an amazing day!!

creativity

2011-04-01T12:14:00.001-07:00

vvndfuepfaf'aeufiefokd nfelfj;vmxkke feifjeuhdlkmd/Ap[d kfeofezdmx/.c xc.dfubv joj dl;fm ldcjkop mvkjrsokdsl,k This is actually a kind of font on my choices for posting. Its me being creative!!!

Creation

2011-04-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today on my walk, two lizards ran out in front of me. ICK!!! I don't like creepy crawly things. But as I continued on my way I was thinking about God (if you know me that happens a lot) and how much fun He must have had on creation. Sitting there thinking up all the different creatures. Big, small, water, air, ya know. And that turned into a God made me moment for me. And if I'm made in His image (which I am) them my creativity is important too. So is yours. So go be creative today!! Whatever that looks like for you. Whether that's folding your laundry different or reorganizing your closet or starting a quilt or finishing one :) (that's my issue, great starter, horrible finisher) scrap booking or trying a new recipe or playing play do with your children or planting some flowers. You have a creative side, don't ignore it.