HDMLJIANT | the net lit zine blog of the now

Ode To Cassandra (King Crab)

2013-03-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

by Archie Pelago

They shot her tit off

She brushed it off

And walked that shit off

The Israelis

took her babies

‘cause she was lazy and crazy

She got the call

from Ron Paul

to suck his left ball

She makes demons

drink her semens

while wearing sequins

Her diarrhea

is a panacea

Were Cassandra Gillig An Amputee This Would Be A Poem For Her But She's Not But This Poem Still Is For Her, Maybe It's A Metaphor? by Terd Macchio

2013-03-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

Don’t tell your amputee girlfriend
You love lying in her arms.

Keep her prosthetic arms
after she leaves.

Use them to grab cans
off high shelves.

Drape them over your shoulders
when you’re lonely

which is always.

Keep them in your trunk
to use for comedic effect
when people ask
“Could you give me a hand?”

Keep warm at night with the assurances
that the last vestiges of your relationship
with a girl you loved aren’t memories
of teeth tracks on earlobes
but jokes you tend to tell
too many times.

Avoid jokes about The Fugitive.

Terd Macchio can't count his tears in the drain, but he sure as hell can try, Mom.

HAPPY DOG MOM LIT JOURNAL FUN FUN CASSANDRA GILLIG CONTEST

2013-03-02T14:09:00.001-08:00

WOW AN EXCITING NEW HAPPY DOG MOM CONTEST FROM LITERARY CELEBRTIY CASSANDRA GLILG

PRIZE: TBD (MY HAND IN MARRIAGE???)
SUBMIT BY DATE: TBD
SUBmIT TO: dogeatsmom69@gmail.com

Love Stories: A Truth Dick Right Into Your Lying Anus: The Complete Printed Works of Terd Macchio

2012-11-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

TERD MACCHIO NEEDS 500 DOLLARS

DON'T ASK

ANYWAYS

YOU CAN BUY THE ORIGINAL COPY OF THIS SELLOUT PIECE OF WORK ON THE EBAYS

click HEREHEREHEREHERE

a kind of dark poetry… (RE: where beauty goes to die) GUEST POST BY THE LOVELESS

2012-07-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

Alternative literature… possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to art bar none. The dumbing down of common intelligence and the insistence of idolizing complete idiots who send texts to each other and charter it at “poetry”.

Alternative literature… So full of nothing, so empty and pointless that it should make the blood of any single mortal that even has so much as an ounce of respect for art in any form boil. A vapid form of “artistry” so void of any semblance of feeling, meaning or imagery that its the literary version of an artists painting a blank canvas with water.

There is one example of all these so called “poets” that is so engrossed in his “artistic” ideas that he himself has become so incandescently stupid, so perpetually banal that he insists on infecting the minds of even vaguely like minded “poets” with his emotionless and blank-versed thoughts.

So I suppose this is an open letter to you Steve Roggenbuck, I would love more than anything to wish death upon you but I rest calmly knowing that the oblivion that follows us all will see to that for. There is no more pointless attempt at pretending you have skill than attempting the primary school artistry of cutting up little pieces of digitized paper and crazy gluing them onto still shots of sunsets.

Alternative literature is the death or art, artistry and literature in general. Those who allow this common idea to grow will perpetuate the decay of the zeitgeist of humanity.

enjoy your slow painful demise.

I will revel in the pain of your minds.

and laugh when education dies and your minds revert to that which you were changed from.

-signed… The Loveless

Is it better to put your hands in the air like you just don't care, or to put your hands in the air with deliberate purpose and direction?

2012-07-19T15:21:00.001-07:00

WHO WHO WHO

2012-07-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Barry Biggs

How did you get your book published?

Honestly, when mine was published I didn't know anyone, so I gave it to someone who did know people, and he gave it to that person that he knew and he talked to him and they forgot and then i reminded them and somewhere in the mix my book came out: Heartsongs by Barry J. Biggs.

How did you do it? Murder? Romance? Cat Humor?

new weird sentimentality or i meant it you sandals or i did i did but then i died quietly with other leather straps and i destroy to that because i don’t want to be the national spelling bee champion of poetry categories and what they mean but you might call me amelia earhart’s cunt in the comments anyway

2012-07-12T09:45:00.003-07:00

By Ramona Beastly

sometimes i get the slippy edges of these poetry terms regarding new boy old man scents of mentalmilkity and leaking sincerely spin beard cleanings mixed up. i read them because i want to know them so i can rub them through me even though i can’t always completely draw their faces. not when they run out on cheap bridges so scuttle and certain that this is indeed the surface that looks most like a human nature preserve. lowghosts always come slicing through us anyway. they drip us on their bombberry pancakes.

i watch the bridges shutter old birthday cards onto the bright of boats. i touch the handrails stuffed with broken windows and lorinne neidecker’s old bathroom mats. leaf is noticed over and over on the back of each mat in the kind of ink designated for crosswords. now the word leaf looks like well water stains to me every time i see it roasting on the end of deciduous barking stuck near a dog. rust shots. rust shots. rust shots for everyone with a swallow.

when i don’t know because murk but i feel because murk, i talk the way i’ve heard a particular word clap lately or flash the nickel plated ear lobe covers i got at the bookstore with my purchase of berryman’s dream songs. i might ask what container you think the water they mist at the grocery store is grown safely inside of. they couldn’t touch the colors with real water, right? thats what happened? it feels like it would fall over before your mouth all the time. i mention that i wish you could chew with your chest open in a different language. or change the name of the city into a noisy saddle that makes all the swamp words hurt less. i’m full of weak spots that i push beer at and if you are, i would like it if you sored so. we can point at that with over ten thousand carefully coughed up threads and probably not see light. but maybe.

i named titles hurled together by poetry names here and you can hear them and that’s maybe wrong that i muttered but it doesn’t matter. because i vomit and piss on them as much as i love and sex them. my throat is caving in every few hours. how long has it been since yours killed itself during a poetry reading or while you were fucking digging for clams in your laundry basket. which was it? out of joy/sudden desert. circle one. my throat gets back up and spits sharps at the passing mailman on the regular. it’s not a joke to me that everything is a joke weeping radioactive and swollen chicken bones out its stomach in the middle of kickboxing class. i seep up that pain and strugglesauce like a brawny paper towel. the book drags itself by its little beads of ripping sounds and lets its bladder loose smelling grins on everyone’s quiet hum sounds.

my throat is a void quilt that i can’t help up with the striped knives escaping from my lard-ish hair. i drink soup while crying into frank stanford pdfs. the library in this part of minnesota has no straps for me under that name. sometimes i just crayon his name on my throat and ask you if you will read whatever it is that is there while we wait for the bus driver to keep us off for drinking the bottom on his route. on the long walk to the dive bar we yell at the roots that don’t know how to be fat but are wrapped around our glow anyway.

shrugs.

do you want to do that blood motherbrothermudderbrooder thing with me? i just want to hear something hit hard if not more than ever.

THE UNQUOTABLE RAMONA BEASTLY bowls a 180 of the dock and promises no dependable house shapes. she has no fixed gaze to speak of before shooting off a firearm.

shick-freestyle.2012_07_12.8b

2012-07-12T08:24:00.003-07:00

MACK SHICK

3v3ry1 w1th 4 p33n s4y "sup"

3v3ry1 w1th 4 h0t c0nch s4y "m4ck sh1ck 1 w4nt u s0000000 b44444dddd"

1ts 0k4y 2 w4nt m3 1n th3 r41n. 

u 4r3 fruck3d up, L0L

u 4r3 th3 r41n

1 4m w34r1ng dr34dl0cks f0r th3 f1rst t1m3 

s1nc3 1 w4s b4pt1s3d. . .  

1 t3ll u 4r3 wr0ng 4 w4nt1ng:

+ 4 n3w c4r

+ v4c4t10n

+ f4sh10n f0rw4rd cl0th3z

!!!T0SS TH3 S4L4D 0F M0D3RN1TY!!!

1f u h4v3 3n0ugh fr13ndz u c4n cr0wds0urc3 y0ur B1LLZ

3xc3pt 4 1nsur4nc3, L0L

1 4m $56,000 1n d3bt fr0m stud3nt l04ns

but 1 4m n0w 4 M4ST3R 0F H1PH0P0L0GY. 

ppL s4y 2 m3, "m4ck sh1ck, y d0 u l1st3n 2 s0 much 

CARLY RAE JEPSEN?"

1 t3ll th3m wh3n 1 4m tw3nty s3v3n 1 w0n't B tw3nty s3v3n

1'll B s3v3n t33n 43VR, *L0L*

l00k, my L1f3 1s 4 v4c4t10n & y0urs c4n B2. B) 

Mack Shick is an independent tween hip-hop producer, rapper, poet and social engineer. He will release his fourteenth mixtape of 2012, The Truth, on December 21st. Buy his sixth t-shirt, "ALBACORE", at http://mackshicktracks.biz.

What are the possible NEGATIVE EFFECTS...

2012-07-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

Sinclair Arnold

What are the possible NEGATIVE EFFECTS of technology that remain unseen to a populace of sheeple? (I use the term "sheeple" for ironic effect, a meta-irony transcending the already extant irony that's come to embody its usage by the knowing and unknowing alike.)

Here's a generic picture of a computer:

HOW MUCH OF DOOM IS THIS THING? YOU DECIDE!

Booty Cam Time

2012-07-11T23:35:00.001-07:00

Barry Biggs

"just having fun enjoy"

Is this a happening worldwide?

Is this video happy or sad?

Could be the saddest video on the internet.

Does anyone have a video that is more sad than this?

Do You Write Sober?

2012-07-11T21:18:00.004-07:00

DAD MOMSON

Does someone you know write while sober?

If so, how long have they been sober?

Do you feel you need to be sober to write?

Alt Lit Gossip and HTML who?

2012-07-11T20:37:00.001-07:00

Lenny Toasterface

Has Alt Lit Gossip gone too far?

http://www.altlitgossip.com/post/27022375889/and-happydogmomlitjournal-wins-the-week

It is not hard to be the best of the week when everything in the week is stale and common and expected. DUH!

I don't know if this is a sign of things to come or not. What I do know is that HTMLGiant is a very boring website with very boring articles and a bunch of folks in an ivory tower handing out boring like it is candy that matters. Your site is like a baseball minor league . It is cute, but haha.

I, Lenny, think that Alt Lit Gossip needs to investigate the greatness levels of the things they report on. Recently, there were many articles that were just tumblr posts reblogged that had nothing to do with lit. It was cute, but come on.

The molds are made. The names have been dealt. This is a culture becoming stale and common before our very eyes. The issue is not quickshit. This issue is bullshit, and no one putting down their foot for what they believe in so that they can make friends.

I like making friends, so I go out to a bar and act dumb and dance and sing. then I go home and I write. I write to understand what making friends is all about. Lenny is a hidden force. Lenny knows how to tango.

Twitter is good for making friends. So is Facebook. The social web allows us to blur the lines between friends and fans in a way never before seen. I believe Scream 4 touched on this motif. It seems pertinent to take into account that LANGUAGE LIKE THIS IS FUCKING OUTDATED AND BORING, DAD.

You know though, it is okay that everything sucks right now, because we all make mistakes. And blind positivity along with blind negativity butting heads will never get anywhere. But if we take the time to stop acting like writers for some game show and just act like people; this place will be a lot better off.

FUCK YOU>

Is Lit

2012-07-11T19:36:00.004-07:00

Tyle Signer

Question: Is lit too stupid, while not being dumb enough?

A CELEBRATORY POEM FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM

2012-07-11T15:51:00.001-07:00

by Fritzlos

G

Fritzlos has been published in many places in this timeline. He currently lives outside of it.

Queen's Jubilee

2012-07-11T15:50:00.005-07:00

by King Crab

I loved a girl
so sweet to me
O on the day
of Jubilee

Such bright fair hair
sweet locks of glee
I held her close
on Jubilee

And as the queen
did crown us we
could not believe
such Jubilee

For in the crowds
were ladies three
pert maidens nude
for Jubilee

O so we wept
never to be
I tapped 3 puss
on Jubilee

King Crab is a great and loving crab father to three sweet and beautiful wives and don't you dare touch him. Don't you dare.

Old Insincerity by Terd Macchio

2012-07-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Poop in my mouth, I will howl... - G-Berg, 1st white rapper

Old Insincerity, as we all know, has been a movement that hasn’t only shocked the nation but has rocked the very foundations of the written world. But what, and more specifically who, and more-more specifically how is Old Insincerity?

I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?

As you know—cause everyone and their mother knows—not my mother—she’s dead—I killed her—I was afraid she’d find out I write Old Sincerity fiction, you see—as we all know, one pioneer of Old Sincerity is Dogwalk Happen. Originally a beat poet, Dogwalk was ostracized from the coffeehouse scene for shitting in Allen Ginsberg’s mouth in 1955 while he was asleep (Ginsberg was asleep, that is, not Dogwalk, he was quite awake as he did the shitting). Though this act catapulted Dogwalk out of the up-and-coming writer scene that would one day inspire 19-year-olds to read “On the Road” and become even bigger dicks than we ever thought possible, it’s important to point out that this ol’ “shit fiasco” inspired Ginsberg’s most famous poem, “Howl.” “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,” being a direct reference to Dogwalk’s disdain for opinions, ideas and emotions.

From there, Dogwalk spent most of his time trying to “game” the system. That is, he held no job, wrote no poetry, and was on welfare.

Don’t go to the Appalachians kids – it could happen to you.

In recent years, as you know, as everyone knows, during Dogwalk’s “sabbatical,” a new generation of poets rose to more concretely define what Dogwalk started. I first met the likes of Edmund Paddlebath, Sinclair Arnold, JJ Curry Ford, and Fritzlos as I roamed the streets of LA, attending readings in which poets forwent the traditional process of using words to convey ideas, and just cried uncontrollably on stage. This, as we all know, was a precursor to Old Insincerity, containing too much raw material to be really insincere. Also, there were in fact women there too, but they’ve all gone on and married and had kids, so I don’t see any reason to mention them.

It wasn’t until Terd Macchio’s novels “Powerlifting at Sears Automotive” and “Reed Richards” that a concrete Old Insincerity scene or “voice” started to form. With Terd’s success, Alternating Literature became more popular, particularly with toddlers whose discerning taste in language was well suited for the work being written. Combined with Dogwalk’s return to writing (specifically, writing murder mysteries about the color spectrum), Terd and Dogwalk have started to define a generation of writers tired of what their professors are telling them to read, and are determined to create work that future students will similarly get tired of.

Terd insists that Old Insincerity is about spending the most amount of time you can on a piece to ensure you get the most meaning out of it. Literally, that is. Taking any semblance of meaning, and chucking it right out the window. “If the piece is heartfelt, or emotional, or true in any manner of speaking, it’s not insincere, and only pussies write sincerely,” Terd Macchio has said. “Sometimes I’ll spend days replacing all my adjectives with different types of vegetables. And don’t even get me started on verbs. Don’t use verbs in your poetry.”

Dogwalk has called into question, as we all know (you know this right?), Terd’s actual dedication to Old Insincerity.

“He wrote this really truthful, caring piece about his mother.” Dogwalk recently complained. “It was full of spelling errors, didn’t have one capital letter, and was raw emotion. It was disgusting. I don’t care if it was for his mother’s memorial, you put one iota of sincerity into your work, then you’re not Alternating Lit material.”

As personalities clash, there are many things to ask. Where is Alternating Lit going? Where is Old Insincerity going? Should we try to define it? What’s the use of defining it? Does it really help to define something? Can that turn people off to it? Does it make those who define it sound like they’re in some sort of club that no person in their right mind would want to join? Does Fritzlos really prevent himself from going number two through sheer concentration alone?

Who the fuck cares.

Terd Macchio

Let's Talk

2012-06-16T14:18:00.002-07:00

by King Crab

i.
I have seen America with eager eyes
I have seen America with my friend Kevin

ii.
I meant to say "black tights" but
I said "black rights" accidentally

iii.
baby, I'm gonna knock you 'round
like the bouncing cube on this Windows screensaver

iv.
"Yes," I said,
"You look brilliantly homeschooled."

v.
Susan B. Anthony is an animorph
Susan B. Anthony, feminist and half-jaguar

vi.
freedom isn't free if you pay for it
because then it's not free

vii.
why do birds suddenly appear
everytime i bird call?

viii.
call the doctor
ask if I can eat 2 chilli dogs, not just one

ix.
sensual, exotic
beverages are erotic

x.
i'm putting my foot down
then picking it back up and putting it down again (it's called walking)

King Crab lives in the sea with his Queen Crab and his crab mistresses. He ate all of his kids. He has three children's books forthcoming from Harper Collins.

My Night Grilling Corndongs for Dick Jagger's Venezuelan Housekeeper, PussyTanya, and DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCKs Taste Better When I'm Being AsphDYCKziated by Grope Hardy

2012-06-14T14:01:00.002-07:00

That nite was tu-nite.

Grope Hardy went home for his brother's funeral and ran into that chunky diabetic girl he dated in high school. Did he ask her to suck him off right there in the "Salty Snacks" aisle at the grocery store? Did she bite because of pent up bitterness from being dumped, or simply because she was hungry? Did she not sever his cock entirely but take a good sized chunk with her and leave him with nothing but a hefty ER bill and a depressing story to tell at the ten year reunion?

CHRISTOPER COLUMBUS IS DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCK by Florence Lawrence

2012-06-14T13:57:00.002-07:00

Christoper Columbus discovered America so he could suck some dick. He woke up in Spain one morning and was like “Fuck this, I gotta suck some dick!” so he went to America, because he knew there was a ton of dick to suck there. He got dressed and ran to the king’s castle and was like “Hey King, let me go to America because I gotta suck some dick!” and the King was all “Ok, but first you gotta suck this dick!” so Christopher Columbus sucked that King’s dick until he came three ships full of sailors to take him to the dick-sucking mecca that is America. Once the ships were ready to sail, Christoper Columbus sucked all the sailors’ dicks and pretty soon they were all in America. There was only one problem though: Christopher Columbus couldn’t find any dick to suck! He was about to starve to death when a friendly Native American named Squanto found him. Christoper Columbus immediately started sucking his dick. I mean Christopher Columbus was sucking his own dick, not Squanto’s. Christoper Columbus was too busy sucking his own dick to notice Squanto. When Christopher Columbus was finally done sucking his own dick, another Native American named Pocohontas showed up. She didn’t have a dick, so Christoper Columbus sent her away. He later starved to death due to lack of dicks to suck.

Florence Lawrence is sucking your dick right now. Go ahead, look down.

DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCK

2012-06-07T15:12:00.003-07:00

Once long ago in the U.S. of A.
there was an old man named Harry O'Shea.
He willed to his country his massive dong;
the architects built, now it stands strong
as the Washington Monument's core today.

Harry O'Shea Jr. is proud as a peacock of his heritage. And another thing.

Enter the goddamn DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCK CONTEST

DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCK by Trellis Jance

2012-05-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

i was once a seafaring fella

i traveled the sea/fuckd a mermaid in her tonsils

im tired of good poetry

yellow shrimp all tubular tunneling into my gut

eating my beans rice & guac from this morning and lunch and dinner and second dinner

ten days ago i was a nervous mess

i dont seem to have time to both do work, cook and iron

whats my iron levels btw oh yeah dont have none

something more interesting: my mom got into a car crash with thomas jefferson's great great offspring

guy wouldnt shut up about it

turns out, we later find out he's a hobo who thinks hes a car (among other things)

what a drain on american society

red flag MENSTRUAL BLODO

i'm an ashtanga seminar taught by a skinny balding man whos dick is stabbing out the back of his yoga shorts

i dont like myself

TRELLIS JANCE IS A GOOD GUY WHOSE NOT GONNA AMOUTN TO NOTHING BECAUSE HE STRUGGLES WITH IBS EVERY DAY AND IT AFFECTS HIS RELATIONSHIPS [ed note: Trellis is a diva and made us write this in all caps; we have no idea why.]

DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCK by Michelle Whatever

2012-05-23T20:38:00.002-07:00

Some say I’m not the smartest guy who ever lived. Back when I was a kid I used to confuse avocados and limes. My guacamole tasted really shitty. I’ve learned a lot since childhood. Now I know when I became a man, a true-blue, dick-jerking, man.

Christopher Columbus and Joseph McCarthy discovered America. They had fled the tyrannous yoke of the Egyptians by turning all their pretty ladies into pillars of salt. Joseph McCarthy was heir to the Lifesaver fortune. Once they saw America, they knew they had to defeat the Puerto Rican communists. Columbus claimed the land for Denmark by coaxing a big fat load of dreaming semen into steaming Pea men. Ah, a good time indeed was had by all.

It was four score and seven years after this stuff happened. I was proud to be an American. I was soaking in my bathtub. Outside some kid was practicing his tuba very erotically. This tuba-playing really turned me on. I felt excited. My chub (now known as Major Penis) grew in size. Hair populated my nether region. Remembering what my parents told me about hygiene, I began rubbing that region in milky white shampoo.

The more I rubbed, the more I realized I had an itch down there. Rubbing helped scratch it. Didn’t know what was going on there. I felt curious about what was going to happen next. By doubly the rubbing motion I doubled my pleasure. No gum had satisfied me the way this rubbing motion did.

But then my penis exhaled all this milky white stuff. ‘Shit’ I thought ‘shampoo had gotten up my dick hole.’ I pulled hard on my dick, making sure all the shampoo was leaving my penis. The pain in my groin was unbearable. Shampoo was invading my body through my dick. All I had wanted was to scratch an itch and now there shampoo squirting all over the place. It was nasty, almost wasty in texture.

Penis shampoo felt flat. I rubbed it in my hair. My hair got all dirty and sticky. The penis shampoo was useless. Outside fireworks were going off. A tube player continued playing. I was a man for the first time, not a grown one, more like a teenage asshole. In other words, I was everything I wanted to be. Felt a little like Christopher Columbus when he jerked off on North America for the first time. Later others would come to America to jerk off on its sacred, stupid land, its valleys of green, and its soaring mountaintops.

Now I think of that time. I wonder how many Americans jerk off for the first time on the Fourth of July. Feel our forefathers would be proud. Jerking it is working it. And that’s what America is truly about: working an obscene amount for little to no reason or money.

Jerk off across America.

Michelle Whatever doesn’t need your approval. She already has it.

DICKSCOVERING AMERICOCK by Terd Macchio

2012-05-18T21:02:00.002-07:00

I planted my flag into her

like she were the moon

all big and white

and curvaceous and shit

with craters I explored

the hell out of if ya know what I mean

She was a brave new land

and I was like an explorer

I expected India and spices

butt got savages instead

butt I conquered them

butt not with genocide

With love

I learned the ways

of scalping and wore

some badass facepaint

and communed with

the goddamned Earth

this poem is about my penis

Terd Macchio is forthcoming in Metazaen, Anallemma, Untoward Mag, Artifice, Red Lightbulbs, Keep This Bag Away From Childre, Pop Serial, Dogzplot, Bust Magazine, The New Yorker, The TV Guide, Everyday I'm Genuisin and every other place not mentioned here, except for whats-it-called, you know, Word Riot, cause they always reject him.

A Spooky Story

2012-05-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

by Louisa-Jacques-Mandé Daguerre

Once I was on a choir tour in college on the east coast, maybe around new hampshire, someplace quaint, or maybe it was in the midwest, wisconsin, after a tour of the f.l. wright johnson building, someplace with old houses and cows and cow shit, and we had to sing in churches and then stay in the old houses of the people who patronize the churches and I stayed there with this other girl who sang, a friend, who i'm living with now actually, and we went to sleep in this tall old victorian, up on the fourth floor, in a weird tiny side room and all of the wood creaked and there were tintypes on the walls and we went to sleep and I was laying there on my side and could tell someone was standing behind me and then felt a hand touch my shoulder but i knew it was a ghost so I pretended to sleep and then it left and i slept, there was a smell but i can't remember and in the morning i asked jordan, did you touch your hand to my shoulder, and she said, no i was asleep but i felt something too, and then i knew.

Louisa-Jacques-Mandé Daguerre is ooOOOooOOoOOOOOooOOOOoOOOooOOOOo.