Hard Peaches

Slushy Magic Looks Incredible

2011-11-03T02:41:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while an infomercial comes along that blows away the competition. We've all seen it before with products like the Magic Bullet, SlapChop, OxyClean, etc... Well now there's a new dog in the pound. I present to you: Slushy Magic.

To answer your questions in order: Yes, that's incredible. And no, I do not care how it works. The fact of the matter is Slushy Magic could be made solely of deadly poison and it's still worth getting. The benefits of having ~~one~~ two of these in your life far outweighs the risks. In case you're an asshole and didn't bother to watch the video I'll explain why this is one of the greatest inventions since the cotton gin.

Slushy Magic is a set of cups and magical ice cubes that turns any beverage into a slushy. If that sentence doesn't revolutionize your world then clearly you've come to the wrong place and frankly there's not a whole lot of hope for you in life. For those of you that aren't insane I'm sure you're trying to figure out where and how quickly you can get ~~one~~ two of these bad boys for the low low price of $19.95 plus s/h.*

This further proves that science is a valid tool that is primarily used for tackling the worlds biggest problems. If you know anything about me then you know I've been getting on the soapbox for years preaching about how the access to slushy's in this country for the average Joe, Juan or Jerry (coined it) is pretty abysmal. Now, finally the scientists have taken note and given us this absolute gem of a consumer product.

And remember folks, don't let people tell you the American Dream is dead. I'm pretty sure this is what the Occupy Wall Street people have been protesting about and now they can head home with their heads held high. The 99% are winning and this is the proof.

*By the way the shipping and handling is $8.95 which I think is excessively high. I spoke to the wonderful LaQuandria (I'm assuming that's how you spell and yes that was her real name) and expressed my concerns about the high price for the s/h but she said it was pretty standard. I don't know about that LQ but I'm gonna take your word for it and bite the bullet.

The Golden Girls Are Huge Sluts

2011-07-12T17:17:00.000-04:00

Let me just say this: Golden Girls is hands down one the greatest television programs of all-time.

First off, they're whores. All of them. I say that in the most endearing and lovingly way possible but get this one fact straight: they are big huge whores. Even Dorothy who you wouldn't think is such a big slut, secretly is. The whole premise of the show is basically based on the fact that every single one of the Golden Girls is trying to get laid ALL OF THE TIME.

Most people are familiar with the obvious role each one of the Golden Girls plays. Blanche is the uber-slut, Dorothy is the brainy sexless one, Rose is the dummy and Sophia is the coolest lady in the world. All of them stay true to who they are but there are certain occasions when each one breaks out of character and is awesome in a whole new way. Also, in the pilot episode the Golden Girls have a live-in gay cook named Coco who for some inexplicable reason didn't make the cut when they picked up the show. Oh, they also explain in the pilot that Sophia had a stroke and damaged the part of her brain that allows her to censor herself. And here I was thinking that she was just a cranky old lady. Silly me.

Now for a breakdown of the Golden Girls with pros and cons.

Sophia

She's clearly up to something

Pros: Awesome, super old, really mean, says "pussycat" a lot, Italian from Brooklyn via Sicily, steals stuff, lies all the time

Cons: poor vision

Dorothy

Classic Dorothy pose

Pros: really tall, hilarious, secret slut, one-liner master

Cons: kinda nagging, sometimes serious, basically too tall

Rose

Look how happy she is with that cake

Pros: innocence, hilariously naive, communicates with the dead

Cons: Saint Olaf stories

Blanche

Blanche's "O"face

Pros: sluttiest of all the Golden Girls, southern belle, lots of jewelry, owns the house

Cons: almost too slutty

Also, the theme song is maybe top 4 greatest musical pieces of all time. Long story short, thank you for being a friend and a confidant.

Some Awesome Music

2011-03-23T06:45:00.000-04:00

Just in case you didn't know music is kind of awesome. Check out and enjoy some music (because it was pointed out it was awesome before) courtesy of CRVD Magazine.

MSTRKRFT - Beards Again

Disco Vietnam - The NP (Natalie Portman)

Wiz Khalifa - No Sleep

MVSEVM - French Jeans (Dada Life Remix)

No Strings Attached: More Like Strings Attached To Awful

2011-02-21T14:57:00.002-05:00

First off, let me apologize for what is probably top 5 worst blog posts in the previous post I posted (I just used the word "post" way too much). It happens to everyone you just lay a stinker sometimes. I'd love to be able to sit here and pretend that everything I've ever written is always hilarious and people literally shit their pants when they read how awesomely funny my writing is, but guess what, it's not. Deal with it.

Speaking of horrible things I feel compelled by all that is good and decent to talk about how fucking terrible this new Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman movie "No Strings Attached" is. And no I didn't get through the whole thing. You'd have to be some kind of trained Buddhist monk to not go on a 2-day stabbing spree if you had to watch this whole piece of shit movie. And yes, it is THAT bad.

From what I saw (first 20 minutes) Ashton Kutcher is a poor lonely sap who can't get laid (because that's realistic) and Kevin Kline is banging his ex-girlfriend. Kevin Kline is his Dad in the movie so it's not a total non-sequitor. Anyway, Natalie Portman plays some weirdo girl who brings Kutcher to her Dad's funeral after meeting once at a party (because realism is the name of the game in this one) and then they bang like a year later. If this sounds horrible and disjointed it's because it is. This is actually how the movie goes and each passing second becomes infinitely more insufferable.

Speaking of Natalie Portman she has completely dropped off from my Hot 600 List. That's right she's not even in the Top 600. That means people like the Progressive lady who everyone hates is beating her out right now. She's just awful. I didn't see Black Swan and I'm sure it's great but this movie alone is reason to stop her from making movies for at least a few years. Her speech at the Golden Globes was weird where she basically made a "joke" about how her new Baby Daddy pretended that he didn't want to have sex with her and now she knows he really did! Charming if you can relate to being a sex symbol with no self-awareness I'm sure. Regardless, she's fallen off and this movie is a microcosm for her life right now.

Hard Peaches official Rating:

Kill yourself before watching if you're forced to out of 10

New Awesome Show - Portlandia

2011-02-14T15:53:00.000-05:00

Portlandia is a new show on IFC starring SNL's Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein of I don't know what she was in before this is pretty damn awesome. I guess you kinda have to come from Portland or at least have visited there to truly "get" the show but some of the sketches are just too bugged out to not laugh at.

I wouldn't say it's the best show out right now but after one episode it looks to be pretty damn promising. Also, I literally get stuck in one of these every day.

LeBron James Makes A Show Called The LeBrons

2011-01-19T12:03:00.001-05:00

First off, let me just say like many of you I am fully aware that LeBron James is incapable of truly perceiving just how narcissistic and terrible he is. It's as though there's some force field of arrogance around him that makes him immune to all humbleness.

Second, HOLY SHIT! Does he really have a character called, "Wise" who's an old man LeBron who I can only assume imparts words of wisdom to all the other characters? "Hey little boys, don't grow up to play for your hometown sports team and be the best basketball player of all time then set up a whole press conference to shit on your home team all while proving your the biggest asshole and self-agrandizing moron ever."

Basically it comes down to this: Pick the one doucheburger you know in real life who's just the biggest tool who has ever lived and who thinks he/she is the greatest gift the world has ever seen and multiple that by a million and you're still not close to coming near how big of a dope LeBron James is. Geez Louise this guy is a poop.

Best Campaign Ad In The History Of Campaign Ads

2010-08-10T09:32:00.000-04:00

What is it about this campaign ad that puts it above the rest? Is it the clear and erudite manner in which Mr. Basil Marceaux conveys his political aspirations? Is it his constant swaying and gyrations that raise him to the lofty echelons of political supremacy? Could it be his various political theories and aspirations such as Stopping Traffic Stops? Is it just one of this things alone? Nay, I say. Nay. It is Basil Marceaux the man. His quiet confidence, his disdain for left-flying flags and his desire to accomplish all of his initiative in oh about a year. If everyone was more like Mr. Basil Marceaux (btw best name ever) the United States and the world at large would certainly be a better place. Well it would at least be a world with more vegetation in vacant lots.

Long story short I'm moving to Tennessee to vote for this guy.

Hard Peaches Throwback

2010-02-17T04:25:00.003-05:00

Ever wonder how Hard Peaches got started? No? Well eff you and take a look with a trip down memory avenue:

Hard Peaches Throwback

I Don't Want To Say They're Better Than Bob Marley

2010-01-21T05:41:00.002-05:00

But they totally are.

Worst Explanation Of Anything Ever

2010-01-21T05:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah, no, no, that totally makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up guy. This is a real "help" video by the way.

Mini Daddy Is Too Much For You To Handle

2010-01-20T21:14:00.001-05:00

Well we've already found the best artist/video/song of the decade.

Come Again?

2010-01-20T13:11:00.000-05:00

Nothing like a good old penis joke during the weather.

We Don't Wait For Ketchup

2010-01-19T23:06:00.000-05:00

If there's one guiding principle I live my life by it's "We don't wait for Ketchup." Because really, who has the time?

Welcome (Back)

2010-01-19T04:15:00.000-05:00

I'm back baby! Yes, I took a little hiatus. Yes, all of you missed the hell out of me. I'm sorry we had that little fight baby but we'll make up for lost time. Anyways, the blog is back. I have some cool features I'm gonna unroll the next few days/weeks/decades so stay tuned. If you're new to the blog feel free to check the archives. Here's a link to the first post I ever made on here. It's all the way from 2008, totally rad right?

What He Said

2009-09-17T13:05:00.001-04:00

Well put newsman, well put.

Video Dating Is The Future 30 Years Ago

2009-09-15T01:39:00.001-04:00

Like Um

2009-09-09T22:45:00.002-04:00

So I think we all agree that Buffalo is gonna be great this year right?

District 9

2009-08-25T14:33:00.002-04:00

A couple of months ago I saw a sign like the one above plastered on a building in the LES. I had no idea what it meant but I assumed we were just harboring aliens somewhere. No biggie. Much to my surprise it was a promotional advertisement for the movie "District 9." "District 9" by the way is a pretty shitty movie. It's shot cool it looks cool and then the aliens and some dude start becoming buddies and it's like hey guys you had a cool concept on your hands you don't have to do literally everything in your power to make it terrible. But they did and so this is the movie we get. I'd say skip it if you want to save 2 hours of life.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4/10

Heavy Stuff

2009-08-25T14:30:00.003-04:00

You know when you lift something really heavy up and then you go and try to get a drink of water in a glass and you completely misjudge the weight of the glass and spill water on yourself? That's bullshit.

Picture of the Day

2009-08-06T13:31:00.003-04:00

Egyptian bust carved between 1550 BC and 1050 BC. Michael Jackson obviously had a time machine. This is of a woman by the way.

Very Important Question

2009-08-04T09:31:00.001-04:00

Get 'em buddy!

Mr. Spriggs BBQ Seems Pretty Pretty Cool

2009-07-28T23:03:00.004-04:00

Obviously one of the top 5 best commercials in the history of commercials that are based around bbq and smooth rnb grooves. The guy's reaction at the :32 mark is fantastic. I'm booking my ticket to Oklahoma right now.

*blatantly stolen from Phonte's Twitter page.

Wish These People A Happy Birthday

2009-07-20T04:23:00.003-04:00

Gisele Bundchen

Stephen Strasburg

Vitamin C

Picture of the Day

2009-07-15T22:29:00.000-04:00

I can't figure out what it means either.

We've Gone Too Far

2009-07-15T15:33:00.002-04:00

Listen, I get it babies are cute and people like cute things. So if you have babies do things that grown people normally do that would be especially cute. But Evian it doesn't work like that and you are so so wrong. This is terrible, it's scary and horrible and every synonym that means DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THIS.