Hard Peaches

Auschwitz Yelp Reviews Are A Thing Because Of Course They Are

2014-05-27T18:06:00.001-04:00

First off, who writes an Auschwitz Yelp review? Oh and here's a link to Auschwitz on Yelp in case you thought this was just a weird idea that I thought of which isn't how I stumbled upon this in the first place at all.

In case you were wondering (and you were definitely wondering) the average rating for Auschwitz is 5 stars, but Chris F from London didn't think it was depressing enough so he only gave it 3 stars. Color him not impressed.

Who else would love to see a documentary all about the people who write Yelp reviews? All of you, that's who.

Vinepeek Is Your New Favorite Thing (For 10 Minutes)

2013-01-30T11:02:00.003-05:00

Have you heard of the new video sharing tool Vine? Of course you haven't because you're not a nerd.

Vine is an app that allows you to record, edit and upload 6 second video clips and then share them across the web with just a touch of a finger. Also, Twitter owns it.

Impressed?

Well, I wasn't blown away either which is why I haven't used it yet. However, there's a new website called Vinepeek that scrolls through uploaded "vines" in realtime. If you're still not convinced that this is cool, I dare you to go to the site and not get stuck watching random 6 second clips that strangers have filmed.

Like this one

Or this one

Admittedly, some are better than others.

I can't wait to see the clever ways people will use Vine like for porn and nasty comments. But hose two things already make up 99% of all the content currently on the web so no big deal.

Am I Really Starting Hard Peaches Up Again?

2013-01-28T17:16:00.002-05:00

I was reviewing the first post I ever made for Hard Peaches the other day- because I love looking at things I've done and then subsequently stopped- and I got a little nostalgic. Call me an elitist douche-bag (I know a lot of you actually did that just now) but some of the posts on here are pretty funny.

This post will try to determine whether I hang up the finger gloves for good or whether I try to pull a Rocky V and beat the crap out of Ivan Drago and thus save capitalism and the world. Ivan Drago in this case being me stopping writing blog posts. And yes, I know I nailed that analogy.

When I was trying to decide whether to do this again (please tell us more about your decision making you say) I tried to keep a few things in mind.

Not me

1) Is This Good Enough For Me To Keep Doing?

I can entertain myself for years just by playing with a ball of yarn. Wait, no that's not me, that's a cat. Still, I'm very easily entertained. But just because I possess the capacity to entertain myself doesn't mean I should be writing things and then encouraging people to go read them. My main goal with this site was to entertain other people. Even when I was just finishing up college and thought blogging would be something fun to do, I was aware of the fact that I created this corner of the web to make other people laugh.

Robert DeNiro with his granddaughter?

2) No More Lampooning "Pop Culture"

It's not that pop culture doesn't provide plenty of fodder, it's that it's too easy to make fun of it. I mean, I could write a ton of posts just making fun of the people who make fun of stuff (note to self: do this.) That's how meta I am. Everyone and their mom has a blog where they make fun of the latest thing any C-list celebrity says or does. It's too easy. Plus, I don't really follow "popular culture" as much as I did a few years ago. Now, I get all my celebrity news while making fun of my girlfriend when she reads about people I've never heard of on her iPad. Alexandra Bliff is a person right?

This kid and me are what they call simpatico

3) No More Posts That Are Just Funny Videos or Pictures

With the advent of social media and Reddit I assume all of you are getting your fill of funny videos and images elsewhere. Also, it's super lazy to just embed a video or picture and call it a day. That doesn't mean I won't embed funny pictures into posts because that is definitely still happening.

And that's it. That's the criteria for keeping up with this blog. If I can still come up with interesting things to say and keep myself and other people entertained after eliminating all of that stuff, then I'll keep it up. If not, you will see my publicly humiliate myself because I'm not a good enough writer to come up original ideas unless Chris Brown does something stupid.

Worldstar Hip-Hop Cat

2012-06-24T16:27:00.002-04:00

How To Stay Cool When Everything Around You Is Not

2012-05-29T14:30:00.000-04:00

Many of you might be stuck in a predicament that I first encountered several years ago while living in Boston. Let me paint a word picture: Spring is here, flowers are in full bloom, girls are out with their skimpy halter-tops and sun-dresses and I guess if you're a girl than the guys are out there in those too but the main point is: everything is great.

Then, BOOM, the heat comes.

The unbearable, scorching, never-ceasing heat that burns you to your core. It's tough, because you thought you had time to get an A/C or at least a few box fans but no, now you're stuck. Here are your immediate options:

1) Ice Packs/Frozen Peas

-a wonderful option I discovered a few years ago when I couldn't sleep. Fact of the matter is there's only so many times you can flip a pillow before it's all flipped out. Wrap these babies ina paper towel or actual towel and thank me later.

2) Cold Shower

-Sure some say cold showers are for psychotics but this is the best temporary fix for an undying sweltering day. It's short-lived but it gets the job done.

3) Popsicles/Ice

-We all know how I feel about popsicles. Not only are the tasty but they can cool you down too! Popsicles: Frozen Excellence

There you have it. Three really easy ways to stay cool until you get that A/C up and running.

The Golden Girls Are Huge Sluts

2011-07-12T17:17:00.000-04:00

Let me just say this: Golden Girls is hands down one the greatest television programs of all-time.

First off, they're whores. All of them. I say that in the most endearing and lovingly way possible but get this one fact straight: they are big huge whores. Even Dorothy who you wouldn't think is such a big slut, secretly is. The whole premise of the show is basically based on the fact that every single one of the Golden Girls is trying to get laid ALL OF THE TIME.

Most people are familiar with the obvious role each one of the Golden Girls plays. Blanche is the uber-slut, Dorothy is the brainy sexless one, Rose is the dummy and Sophia is the coolest lady in the world. All of them stay true to who they are but there are certain occasions when each one breaks out of character and is awesome in a whole new way. Also, in the pilot episode the Golden Girls have a live-in gay cook named Coco who for some inexplicable reason didn't make the cut when they picked up the show. Oh, they also explain in the pilot that Sophia had a stroke and damaged the part of her brain that allows her to censor herself. And here I was thinking that she was just a cranky old lady. Silly me.

Now for a breakdown of the Golden Girls with pros and cons.

Sophia

She's clearly up to something

Pros: Awesome, super old, really mean, says "pussycat" a lot, Italian from Brooklyn via Sicily, steals stuff, lies all the time

Cons: poor vision

Dorothy

Classic Dorothy pose

Pros: really tall, hilarious, secret slut, one-liner master

Cons: kinda nagging, sometimes serious, basically too tall

Rose

Look how happy she is with that cake

Pros: innocence, hilariously naive, communicates with the dead

Cons: Saint Olaf stories

Blanche

Blanche's "O"face

Pros: sluttiest of all the Golden Girls, southern belle, lots of jewelry, owns the house

Cons: almost too slutty

Also, the theme song is maybe top 4 greatest musical pieces of all time. Long story short, thank you for being a friend and a confidant.

Best Campaign Ad In The History Of Campaign Ads

2010-08-10T09:32:00.000-04:00

What is it about this campaign ad that puts it above the rest? Is it the clear and erudite manner in which Mr. Basil Marceaux conveys his political aspirations? Is it his constant swaying and gyrations that raise him to the lofty echelons of political supremacy? Could it be his various political theories and aspirations such as Stopping Traffic Stops? Is it just one of this things alone? Nay, I say. Nay. It is Basil Marceaux the man. His quiet confidence, his disdain for left-flying flags and his desire to accomplish all of his initiative in oh about a year. If everyone was more like Mr. Basil Marceaux (btw best name ever) the United States and the world at large would certainly be a better place. Well it would at least be a world with more vegetation in vacant lots.

Long story short I'm moving to Tennessee to vote for this guy.

Hard Peaches Throwback

2010-02-17T04:25:00.003-05:00

Ever wonder how Hard Peaches got started? No? Well eff you and take a look with a trip down memory avenue:

Hard Peaches Throwback

Worst Explanation Of Anything Ever

2010-01-21T05:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah, no, no, that totally makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up guy. This is a real "help" video by the way.

Welcome (Back)

2010-01-19T04:15:00.000-05:00

I'm back baby! Yes, I took a little hiatus. Yes, all of you missed the hell out of me. I'm sorry we had that little fight baby but we'll make up for lost time. Anyways, the blog is back. I have some cool features I'm gonna unroll the next few days/weeks/decades so stay tuned. If you're new to the blog feel free to check the archives. Here's a link to the first post I ever made on here. It's all the way from 2008, totally rad right?

What He Said

2009-09-17T13:05:00.001-04:00

Well put newsman, well put.

Video Dating Is The Future 30 Years Ago

2009-09-15T01:39:00.001-04:00

District 9

2009-08-25T14:33:00.002-04:00

A couple of months ago I saw a sign like the one above plastered on a building in the LES. I had no idea what it meant but I assumed we were just harboring aliens somewhere. No biggie. Much to my surprise it was a promotional advertisement for the movie "District 9." "District 9" by the way is a pretty shitty movie. It's shot cool it looks cool and then the aliens and some dude start becoming buddies and it's like hey guys you had a cool concept on your hands you don't have to do literally everything in your power to make it terrible. But they did and so this is the movie we get. I'd say skip it if you want to save 2 hours of life.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4/10

Heavy Stuff

2009-08-25T14:30:00.003-04:00

You know when you lift something really heavy up and then you go and try to get a drink of water in a glass and you completely misjudge the weight of the glass and spill water on yourself? That's bullshit.

Picture of the Day

2009-08-06T13:31:00.003-04:00

Egyptian bust carved between 1550 BC and 1050 BC. Michael Jackson obviously had a time machine. This is of a woman by the way.

Very Important Question

2009-08-04T09:31:00.001-04:00

Get 'em buddy!

Mr. Spriggs BBQ Seems Pretty Pretty Cool

2009-07-28T23:03:00.004-04:00

Obviously one of the top 5 best commercials in the history of commercials that are based around bbq and smooth rnb grooves. The guy's reaction at the :32 mark is fantastic. I'm booking my ticket to Oklahoma right now.

*blatantly stolen from Phonte's Twitter page.

Wish These People A Happy Birthday

2009-07-20T04:23:00.003-04:00

Gisele Bundchen

Stephen Strasburg

Vitamin C

Picture of the Day

2009-07-15T22:29:00.000-04:00

I can't figure out what it means either.

We've Gone Too Far

2009-07-15T15:33:00.002-04:00

Listen, I get it babies are cute and people like cute things. So if you have babies do things that grown people normally do that would be especially cute. But Evian it doesn't work like that and you are so so wrong. This is terrible, it's scary and horrible and every synonym that means DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THIS.

Movie Review That No One Cares About

2009-07-15T14:14:00.004-04:00

"Reign Over Me" starring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle is a touching movie about loss, grief, and how people interact when faced with adversity. Ugh, punch me in the fucking face for typing that. But that's really what the movie is about. You know, in actuality it wasn't that bad. I'm a sucker for the emotional comedomelodrama's (it's a word, look it up). Sandler gives a pretty awesome performance and actually outshines Cheadle. Cheadle does most of the heavy lifting and should be commended for that but Sandler definitely pulls an oopty-oop (also a word) and one-ups Cheadle. All-in-all I liked this film. Good review? Great review.

Official Hard Peaches Rating: 6.8/10

P.S.

Since I watch so many random (and usually terrible) movies that I doubt most people would have any interest in I've decided to make the Movie Review That No One Cares About a feature. Deal with it.

I Am King Of The Nerds

2009-07-14T13:27:00.001-04:00

While watching this video of people doing things the fastest in the world (ladies, you know I got one of those records, hey-ooooo) I immediately noticed the music. What is it you ask me? Well it's obviously the music that plays when you fight Gilgamesh in Final Fantasy V. So yes, I'm a huge nerd.

This Lady Speaks Squirrel

2009-07-13T15:24:00.002-04:00

This seemingly innocuous video of two news anchors commenting on some video of a squirrel with a yogurt cup stuck on its' head could be considered cute and absurd. I for one, think this clip could be the single most important video for the furthering of inter-species communications in the history of history. The lady newsman drops it casually but she lets on that she knows A) of an existence of a squirrel language B) that given the scenario this squirrel said "thank you" in the aforementioned squirrel language. There is no C). Scientists need to take this woman and study her in the name of science for the benefit of humankind. And Squirrelkind.

Bruno

2009-07-13T14:39:00.003-04:00

Bruno. Hmmm. Do you like penis? If you like penis you will love this movie. Personally I only like one penis and that's my own. We get along great. However, despite the abundant amount of cock and balls Bruno is a pretty solid movie (pun maybe not intended?). There are some genuinely hilarious parts (the terrorist interview, the middle-east summit, the fake talk-show with his African baby) and there are definitely some parts where you don't want to look at the screen. Bruno falls somewhere in between a really funny awesome movie and something I don't think I'll ever see again.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 6.5

Picture of the Day

2009-07-10T13:08:00.001-04:00

Quick name the best thing about this photo. Bong? Nope. Humongous bottle of booze? Wrong again. Raccoon shirt with matching sweats? Winner.