This afternoon as the clock flipped over to 1:53pm, I lay curled around you in bed watching you sleep. Your eyes fluttered, your mouth was open in a half smile, fine hair floating out in all directions. I breathed you in – you utterly content with a belly full of milk and me utterly content with my arms full of you. Perfect, marvelous, wonderful you.

It’s been a year since we first met. Blink. A year. Blink blink blink. Where did it go? Yes, the year but also my fear. The uncertainties. The overwhelm. Where did it all go? I’ve gone back and read On the Night You Were Born a number of times now and I can barely relate. I want to reach back in time and hug the woman who wrote it tight. To whisper in her ear that everything is going to be just fine. She wouldn’t have believed me but I would tell her fervently that a year from now, you will find it hard to conjure up the grief. The intense sadness will be replaced with a love so strong that you want to yell it from the mountain tops. Everything will be okay.

In the beginning, I thought about Izzy’s Down syndrome 24-7. There was not a moment that passed that it wasn’t on my mind. I had a permanent Down syndrome thought bubble above my head. When we were in public I had the strangest urge to blurt it out to anyone who even glanced her way. It felt like such a Big Deal that it was all I could think about. I went to bed and woke up thinking about it. I oscillated wildly between acceptance and despair. Down syndrome, Down syndrome, Down syndrome. All the time. 

But as time marched on, the thought bubble started to dissipate. Perhaps I grew accustomed to the idea or more likely, it was because other than Izzy being diagnosed with Down syndrome, Down syndrome essentially played no role in our day to day lives. Izzy was growing into a happy, smiling, engaged baby. She was eating, pooping, rolling, grabbing, smiling and doing everything a baby is supposed to do. Then one day I realized that I hadn’t thought about Down Syndrome in a few hours. Then a few days. Then all of a sudden the scale tipped and the thought bubble popped. Now I have to remind myself. Oh yeah, she has Down syndrome.

Izzy is magic. She is beautiful, joyful, mischievous and determined. She is curious, strong, loud and happy. She is smart, easy going, unstoppable, perfect. And oh yeah, she has Down syndrome.

There is a Japanese tradition called wabi sabi that is centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. If you’ve heard of the term wabi sabi it was likely in relation to Japanese aesthetics and the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold as a way to illustrate the beauty of age and damage rather than hiding it.

I am not at all saying that Izzy is imperfect or damaged. What I mean is that on the night Izzy was born, my heart broke into a hundred pieces. But over the course of the year, it’s been mended back together with gold. Izzy’s smile and laughter, her determination and the gleam of mischief in her eye, the magic she weaves through our day to day. It’s all pure gold that has pieced my heart back together and made it stronger and more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.

On the day you turned one, we are so incredibly lucky to call you ours. Happy Birthday Izzy bear, we love you.

But then I started shopping around and hold up a minute! Dressing a boy is every bit as fun as dressing a girl! There are oodles of options out there if you know where to look and as it happens, I know an awesome place to look: Mini + Moon.

If you follow me on instagram or we’re friends on Facebook, you’ve definitely seen me sing the praises of Mini + Moon. That’s because the talented Mama behind the clothes is my dear friend Jennifer – she’s creative, talented, hilarious and keeps it real. All these traits blend together into a killer sense of style which she uses to design and hand sew her clothing line.

Aside from loving her style (think bold patterns (unicorns, lemons, tacos, oh my!) paired with comfort for happy kid wear-ability (is that even a word?), I love her ethos. She says things like you will never see me label anything here as being boy or girl. Kids should be kids, and wear what makes them happy and comfortable. And this: [Shopping Mini + Moon] means less time spent trying to find clothes, and more time spent learning and exploring. For your minis, may their adventures take them to the woods, the ocean, the mountains, and maybe even to the moon. 

To the moon! So good!

Know what’s even better?! I get to take pictures of her awesome clothes in return for… clothes!! So Izzy has been rocking some super stylish rompers and now Simon has a handmade hoodie that makes me swoon. He also has an amazing pair of dungarees that make me melt into a pile of squishy mama melty-ness but alas, he refuses to wear them (Isn’t two a little young for such opinions!? Looks like they’ll be Izzy’s dunagrees before too long!).

Last weekend we got together to take some photos of our boys sporting the latest Mini + Moon creations. The fox fabric was hand painted by Prairie Love Knits and it’s perfect for our active, on-the-go kids. Especially for Simon, who has skinny, fast fox-like legs! I don’t recommend bringing a one and two year old downtown and expecting them to sit still and pay attention for a photo shoot. But I do recommend checking out Mini + Moon and ordering something locally handmade for the stylish minis in your life.

But when we shared our thoughts with other families who have children with Down syndrome the resounding response was, “No way! You should definitely go! It’s family camp and the connections that come from attending are priceless.” So a little bit unsure but buoyed by our new friends’ enthusiasm, we went.

We’re so glad we did! I heard someone say this weekend it’s like discovering a new community that you didn’t even know you wanted to be a part of and for me, that rang true. I felt like I had discovered a big happy family that loves fiercely, welcomes everyone with open arms and laughs, smiles and sees the ability in everyone they meet. I was nervous that it would be overwhelming (it was a little bit, here and there) or would make me sad (I have to admit to a few fleeting moments of sadness) but overall, Camp Wanna Get Down was anything but down. I’m already looking forward to next year!

When this rainbow appeared on our way to Camp Brigadoon, I knew we had made the right to decision to go. It was further confirmed when we pulled in and the first thing we saw was a bunny!

We got to sleep in bunk beds which we didn’t make too much of a fuss about because we didn’t want Simon to realize that he could climb up top. He figured it out on his own anyway, little monkey.

Learning about the existence of green jell-o was a big deal in Simon’s books!

The minute we would walk into the dining hall the staff would swoop in and steal Izzy away for some snuggles. The camp counselors were absolutely lovely and we really enjoyed getting to know them. They made us feel right at home and of course, anyone who wants to hold my baby while I enjoy a cup of tea is a friend of mine!

The raising of the Camp Brigadoon flag to kick off the weekend. Our bunkhouse and showing some excitement before Dave and Simon left for a nature walk.

One of my favourite parts of the weekend was our art class in the messy art room. The messy art room was beautiful and inspiring and yes, there was paint everywhere. Izzy and I went to work on creating her first masterpiece and this Mama’s heart couldn’t be happier to have some messy, colourful handprints as a memento of her first-ever family camp. Looks like Izzy was quite pleased with how it turned out (after the obligatory taste test!).

Between the three meals and three snacks served daily, we spent a lot of time in the dining hall. I really liked that. Not just because I love to eat but because it gave us a chance to slow down and really connect with other families. Our best conversations and connections were made in the dining hall, that’s for sure.

Our second favourite place to hang out was the bunkhouse, getting to know our roomies. The naps were pretty good too!

The petting zoo surprisingly held no allure whatsoever as you can see Simon running off to the playground, leaving a baby goat in his dust.

The grounds were beautiful and the bugs were plentiful but I think that’s part of the family camp experience!

The weekend ended with a ride on a pontoon, exploring Lake Aylesford. This was an adventure for Daddy and Simon only as I’m an overprotective Mama and wanted to keep Izzy on solid ground… at least until she fits into a life jacket!

My little gnome keeping herself busy while I take pictures of the boys on the boat!

See ya next year Camp Wanna Get Down!

I almost didn’t take my camera because I’m learning that hauling a giant camera around with a newborn and a very busy toddler has a big pain in the arse quotient but I threw it in the car last minute and I’m so glad I did. Here are a few photos from our day. I had high hopes of writing a more detailed account but I’ve been up since 4am and my brain is at capacity. So you’ll just have to feel the love (and craziness that is brunch with a 21 month old) from the photos.

Sugar Moon is awesome. Just go there. Also, never ever let a birthday go unacknowledged, even if you don’t like the number associated with it!

Yep, the maple syrup is a highlight, as Simon soon discovered!

Izzy’s verdict on brunch is still out. Or else she’s casting the first of many exasperated glances at her brother.

Thank goodness for Papas and their willingness to wrangle (and for showing up with dinkies!).

So much love for these three men but especially that little goof ball in the middle.

(Don’t tell her I told you but this is the birthday girl holding Izzy).

Gong. Show.

And the next few photos? My FAVOURITE.

This picture of Mom and Dad laughing? I love it. It’s so real. It’s them through and through and it makes my heart swell just looking at it. As a side note, they’re looking pretty dang good for two old fogies (as Mom would put it), don’t you think?!

After clicking a few pictures of my parents suddenly I hear this little voice saying, “Me too! Me too!” Not to be left out, he wanted his picture taken too. Who am I to say no?

The food was great. The atmosphere cozy. The company lovely. It’s also the first thing ticked off our winter bucket list to boot. All in all, an awesome way to spend a Sunday morning.

The last couple of years I’ve passed on resolutions in favour of a word. In recent years I’ve chosen happiness and mindfulness.

But this year we have a lot on the go between our busy boy Simon and brand new Izzy. Resolutions or words can be pressure and the last thing I need right now are more obligations or pressure. I just want to enjoy our babies and have fun. They’re only little for such a short time and I want to breathe in all their beautiful baby-ness and toddler-ness and savour every second.

When Izzy was born a friend directed me to Kelle Hampton’s blog Enjoying the Small Things. Like us, Kelle and her husband welcomed a little girl with a surprise Down Syndrome diagnosis in 2010. Her blog chronicles their journey but also celebrates, you guessed it, the every day magic of raising kids and family life. I find her writing and approach to life inspiring on so many levels.

One thing that Kelle does with her kids is create seasonal bucket lists. They’re not to-do lists or resolutions, simply lists of fun things to do together as a family.

I fell in love with this idea. If I had to choose a resolution it would be “have more fun” and this bucket list idea fits fun to a tee. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the routines of naps and bedtime and sometimes getting out the door or doing something different can feel like… a lot. So I decided a bucket list is the perfect low key solution for providing motivation and inspiration.

Here is our Winter 2018 bucket list. I think it’s easy to see that a breastfeeding mama wrote it because half of it has to do with food!

I’m looking forward to ticking items off our list and making lots of memories along the way!

Much to my surprise I went into labour on my own 11 days before Izzy’s due date. (This was very surprising because you may recall that Simon was a full 14 days overdue!). That meant our scheduled c-section got moved up to an urgent section, as the doctor called it. It’s not an emergency he said, but it’s definitely a priority. We arrived at the hospital around 10:30am and Izzy debuted at 1:53pm. The doctor was right, they weren’t fooling around!

Breathing through a contraction and probably thinking that a section doesn’t seem like that bad an idea right about now.

It’s all good!

Be right back. Having a baby. (I didn’t even know Dave took this picture!)

She’s here! A healthy, beautiful, baby girl. (Complete with a snazzy hat!).

Checking her out as best I could from the sidelines.

First look.

First kiss.

A little tear because gosh darn it Izzy, we did it!

First snuggles in the recovery room.

There she is! All 7 pounds, 4.3 ounces and 21 inches of her!

Perfection.

Meeting Nana and Papa for the first time. This picture kills me. So many emotions.

Here we go. Simon and Izzy meeting for the first time. Brace yourself for the extreme level of sweetness you’re about to witness. It was truly one of the most special moments of my life if not THE most special moment.

He did take 2 minutes to snuggle his Mama and check out my hospital bracelets which made me very happy as well.

Yup, she has all ten toes.

Going in for a kiss. That pucker kills me.

Izzy eyes. Izzy nose. Izzy ear. Almost 4 weeks later we’re still inventorying her body parts daily!

Cue tears and heart explosions all over the place. I’m pretty sure it was love at first sight for Simon. Such a proud big brother.

Izzy on the other hand, is unsure.

Meeting Granny and Grampy for the first time.

Proud Daddy looking on.

Nope, sitting still and keeping his feet on the floor is simply not an option. Even during life’s big moments!

Opening his big brother present from Aunt Paula.

Opening Izzy’s absolutely gorgeous present from Aunt Paula!

Simon deciding whether or not he wants to go back to being a baby. Turns out he’s a little cramped in Izzy’s bed.

A visit from these two beautiful souls, Shelly and Dana.

Izzy’s future is so bright Simon’s gotta wear shades!

She spent 8 hours working on her tan. I like to think she was learning the ropes for a trip to Thailand. Or at the very least, Youghall Beach in August!

So itty bitty in Papa’s arms. There’s a 78 year age difference but I don’t think that will impact their ability to be best friends.

Izzy with her Buddha of Compassion.

Attempting the first-ever brother-sister portrait. At least we know there’s only one place to go from here – up!

A quiet moment waiting to find out when we would get to go home. We were only in the hospital four days but it felt like forever… and a blink.

Improvising a vase for flowers. Parenting teaches you to be creative in your problem solving, if nothing else! (This was all Dave, I have to give him credit. The rubber glove still makes me laugh and laugh).

We took the same picture of Simon in the same outfit in the same pose (with the same unimpressed look) when we were busted out of the IWK. One of these days I’ll have to do a side by side. I remember that Simon barely squeezed into this little suit and Izzy is just growing into it now, at almost a month old! When we were getting ready to leave the hospital with Simon we realized that we had forgotten to pack a blanket to wrap him up in for the drive home. Blanket was the number one thing on my hospital packing list this time around!

It was 8pm when we were finally cleared to go home. I said oh no, it’s too dark to take a picture of us leaving! But Dave said no way, let me take one of her in the back seat. It was so cold and she was so bundled up. I’ll never forget what he said when he climbed in the front seat beside me and handed me the camera. “She looks so muffin-y back there.” And with a smile on our faces and laughter in our hearts, we headed home.

On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, “Life will never be the same.”

And the moment I laid eyes on Elizabeth Amelie I knew it to be true. The doctor placed her on my chest and I immediately knew something wasn’t right. I commented that her nose was like her brothers and she was a sweet girl and I loved her. But I asked is she okay? Is she cute? Is she normal?

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

The nurses quietly reassured us. But after our persistent questioning one nurse started checking off the markers. The shape of her eyes, the crease in her palms, the extra fold of skin on her neck. I’m not convinced or unconvinced I heard her say. Her voice sounded very far away. We’ll have the pediatrician come around as soon as she can.

It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze… over the ocean… and through the trees…

The pediatrician arrived a few hours later. She also checked off the physical markers. But nothing’s for sure til the blood work comes back she said. I asked, do we tell our parents that our baby has Down Syndrome? Yes.

Until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you. 

I stared down at the baby in my arms in total shock and disbelief. This doesn’t happen to me. This happens to other people. I couldn’t see my baby, all I could see was Trisomy 21. This couldn’t be happening. Our 20 week ultrasound came back healthy. This is our little girl. Simon’s little sister. She’s not supposed to have Down Syndrome.

Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

I cried. I immediately jumped ahead 20 years and cried for the love she may never find. The husband she may never marry. The children she may never have. I cried for my sudden fear of dying and leaving her all alone in the world. I cried and cried, the nurses and doctors’ reassurances that she’s a perfectly healthy baby falling on deaf ears. I cried because I was expecting a perfectly normal baby. My doctor said she IS normal and she’s perfect. We have to work harder at redefining what normal and perfect are, he said.

When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn.

Text messages from family and friends poured in. Embrace the beauty in the unexpected they said. But I couldn’t. I grieved. I grieved not for the baby I held but for the baby I thought I knew. The one I had dreamed of when I was pregnant and imagining our lives together. The baby with the predictable trajectory. The little girl with the familiar path I thought she might travel. The joy and victories I could imagine with ease that were suddenly pulled out from underneath me. The space where a clear, vibrant picture of my daughter had grown in my heart was wiped clean, leaving behind an empty, scary void of unknowns.

From far away places, the geese flew home.

In the wee hours of the morning, tears dripped off my chin onto her small, round head. I was floundering, sinking under the weight of our news.

The moon stayed up until morning next day.

But then I kissed her head. I breathed her in. I smelled her sweet milky breath. I watched her blink blink blinking at her new world. I blink blink blinked back at her.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

Our sweet, sweet baby Izzy. I can’t and don’t want to explain every emotion that came and went during that first 24 hours but suddenly, after wrestling through the night with scary unknowns, the tears were suddenly tears of joy, welling up at the miracle and wonder of this little life that lay sleeping in my arms.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far, listen for the geese honking high in the sky. (They’re singing a song to remember you by.)

Dave bought her a Buddha of Compassion. Not because he thinks she needs to learn compassion but because he’s convinced that she will be our teacher. That from her we will learn compassion and empathy and to be better people.

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)

Izzy’s extra chromosome doesn’t have to define her or us as a family. Where at first I only saw her symptoms, the expression of that extra piece of genetic code, now I have to look for them. I wonder how I ever saw them in the first place. She suddenly transformed from my baby with Down Syndrome into my baby. Our Izzy.

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely… it’s whispering your name again!)

As Dave explained it, as you’re crossing the road of life you know there are some trucks out there that can run you over. But then you get hit by one and are surprised how it’s not that bad. You get up and dust yourself off, pat yourself down and wow, you’re still in one piece. In fact, you’re not just okay, you’re not even a fraction as bad you had imagined you’d be.

If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decides to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile… 

I’m writing this blog post not because we’re sad and looking for sympathy. It isn’t sad. Izzy’s Trisomy 21 is neither good or bad, it just is. Like any other child, we don’t want to pigeon hole her or allow stereotypes to colour who she is and who she may become. We want to have open conversations and have people ask us questions. We’re not ashamed or sad and it’s not a secret – it’s only a teeny tiny part of who she is as a whole. By bringing it out in the open we’re hoping to avoid the elephant in the room. The unsure smiles as people say isn’t she cute with unasked questions hanging awkwardly in the air.

For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again…

At the end of the day all kids come with their own set of challenges and Izzy’s may be unique in some ways but we have no doubt that the good will far outweigh the tough. No matter what she might look like on the outside or the challenges we may face, we’ll be enjoying her with the same openness and curiosity that has little to do with her disability and everything to do with her complexity and wonder as a human being. As a dear friend said to me after we told her about Izzy’s Down Syndrome, “Isn’t it funny how finding out something like that changes everything and nothing at all.” It’s a sentiment I return to over and over because it captures my feelings exactly. Izzy’s extra chromosome has changed nothing – she will always be our beautiful baby girl, Simon’s little sister and a ray of sunshine in our lives. But it’s also changed everything – most significantly by growing our hearts ten times bigger already.

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born.

On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”

I think twenty years from now these quiet moments and days are the ones I’ll look back on and treasure the most.

But not this one. These pictures were taken this morning. In blog terms, that’s practically live! It’s the start of hunting season here so we decked ourselves out in orange for our morning walk. Simon’s taken to wearing Dave’s orange toque and it’s about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He also has a new habit of walking with his hands in his pockets which makes him seem so much older than his years… er, months. (And it’s about the second cutest thing I’ve ever seen!).

Many of our walks include a portrait pit stop. Much to Simon’s chagrin it would seem.

The plane flying overhead was far more interesting!

Look at that belly! I’m 32 weeks and it’s the perfect seat for Simon.

Of course every good walk needs to be followed by a hearty snack. Yogurt and blueberries are a big hit around here as you can see by Simon’s serious looks of concentration.

I hope everyone has a weekend filled with fun adventures and tasty snacks. If you live in a rural area, don’t forget to wear your orange toque!

If you click over to their website, you’ll see that Slow Food was founded in 1989 to counteract fast food and fast life, the disappearance of local food traditions and people’s dwindling interest in the food they eat, where it comes from, how it taste and how our food choices affect the world around us. Slow Food believes everyone must have access to good, clean and fair food. Obviously that’s a sentiment that Dave and I can get behind. We even attended the biannual Slow Food event called Terra Madre in Italy on our honeymoon! (It was awesome).

One of the best parts of Slow Food is the opportunity to get together with like-minded individuals and eat delicious food. That’s precisely what we did last weekend when we gathered at Waldegrave Farm in Tatamagouche for the 2nd Annual Outdoor Pizza Oven party. We had pizza chef extraordinaire Salvatore Mosca create incredible pizzas topped with local, sustainable ingredients which were then baked to perfection in Waldegrave’s outdoor pizza oven. The proceeds of the event were donated to the Tatamagouche Elementary School Breakfast Program. As you can see from the photos, we had a beautiful day with beautiful conversation and food.

Simon was a big fan of the pizza and it warms my heart to know that he’s already learning the importance of good, clean and fair food. As we learned from Slow Food’s founder Carlo Petrini when we were in Italy, it’s important to have fun and enjoy what you’re eating because if you don’t care enough about something, you’ll never go out of your way to protect it. With events like this pizza party, the having fun and enjoying part comes easily.