haru-symphony

Thoughts

2011-01-21T18:46:00.002+07:00

I'm starting to think again, the small problems for me are big problems for her, sometimes i cannot take it when little problems escalate into big ones for no reason. Things are not starting to connect, like falling apart. Quarrels becoming more frequent, is the maturity difference really that much? Many changes will be coming soon, will that change us? Tougher times demands tougher decisions...

Do reckless things

2009-12-10T20:53:00.003+07:00

Yes those who are young should do more reckless things, that way when you're in middle age you'll really miss the days when you were able to do stupid things. Of course you should not do dumb things like taking drugs or car racing, or anything that might endanger your life.

It is important for us to enjoy our life as much as we can. Go out with friends for a field trip, get lost in the process, the fun part about trips is getting lost isn't it? Take up a part time job that you have never done before like being a waiter or telemarketer. Get out of your comfort zone and do something that makes your life more enriching rather than the boring same routine day in and day out, we're not old yet, we should do what we can when we still have the chance.

Youth

2009-12-05T23:51:00.004+07:00

Youth is about suffering, true to that. We all suffer from the mistakes we make in our youth.

Just keep moving forward, there are times when we need to just let go of sadness and despair and keep moving. Clinging onto something that has expired is just unhealthy, imagine holding onto a piece of rotting thing, makes you feel that the rotting part might spread to your hand.

Happy

2009-09-27T00:39:00.003+07:00

Today was a very happy day, I hope that it can be everyday, but we shouldnt be too greedy. Too much of a good thing can make us sick also.

But I must say that this feeling is so different, it's like comfortable happiness. Things are so...naturally good. I really dont know what else to write, I dun want to spoil this feeling by describing in words that are not good enough to be used to describe.

Let's leave it as, I'm really thankful that I've found her and I will cherish her a lot.

100th Post

2009-09-13T21:23:00.002+07:00

Oh yea it's my 100th post, but too bad it has to be an emo post...not like i want to purposely make it emo...but that's how i feel now...and it seems that i'm always emo...

But again I dont know what to write also...things are like...so happening and yet not so happening. I think this is the phase where you would put "it's complicated" in the relationship status is facebook. Like that Katy Pery song, you're yes and you're no, you're up and you're down, you're in and you're out....whatever.

But however, things seems to be in positive mood these days. How I wish things can happen faster, how I wish she would forget him faster, patience patience...I've waited this long, a few more weeks or months probably means nothing.

I wonder why cycles happen, when u're really happy, somehow something will happen to dampen that happiness, sometimes up to a point where the feeling turns to sadness. It's like a cyclic graph, up and down and up and down. Hope it doesnt tire me out first. I just need to calm down and a dose of patience.

Huhuhu

2009-08-28T21:59:00.003+07:00

Today I suddenly had a revelation...it was painful to suddenly realise the same problem is arising. One of my friends mentioned it and I suddenly kept quiet, into deep thought. I suddenly realised that...even though I can like her a lot, I may sacrifice lots for her...but in the end...I dont think she will want to leave this place...

Suddenly the mood's all changed...the optimism is starting to ebb away...a dull feeling overcoming me. I'm starting to be confused...I need...someone that understands me. Why is this happening again...

Time

2009-08-25T17:08:00.002+07:00

The other day I saw her made a wish, I can still remember how she looked like with her eyes closed and hands together. She must really want that wish to happen. And then I was deciding what wish I want to make, but...in the end I did not make any wishes. On one side maybe I was scared of the dissappointment I would get if it didnt come true, on another more painful side, somehow...I dont want my wish to clash with hers. If she wished for someone else, I'd rather let it come true than for me to wish for her. Sometimes the nice guy in me really pisses myself off.

Well today was a good outing, even though it didnt end as what I wanted...well things never go as planned anyways. A big rainy day to top things up, how nice. I'm sure she'll be emo considering the "importance" of this day. But well nothing I can do, for now I can only walk beside her, I dont know for how long, could be a while, could be a long long time.

I guess when it comes to love, someone has to get hurt.

The way

2009-08-07T23:29:00.002+07:00

I really hope that the one who shows you the way out is me.

Siiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhh, just wanna let out one. Hopefully good things happen after exams, I can only wish.

Reality hits

2009-08-04T21:18:00.004+07:00

I guess the stage of euphoria is over, back to reality.

It's just ironic that the girl I like so much just broke up with her boyfriend. But the hard part is that she doesnt seem to want to move on. Perhaps the whole thing is still fresh in her mind and she's hoping that they can get back together.

What can a guy do seeing the girl he likes still in love with someone else. It's like you're the supporting actor in a romance movie, their romance movie. I'm dumb if I dont go after the girl I've been waiting for so long, but am I more dumb if I go after her knowing she wants to keep her feelings for that guy? Feels like I have to play the bad guy...

Oh God please help me on this, it's just......insane...how long must this go on...

Is this being able to understand the plight of others a blessing or a curse?

Help

2009-08-01T23:36:00.002+07:00

I really want to help her, but this problem isnt one where others can help much in. She has to find that strength from inside to overcome it, I know it wont be easy for her, but I pray that she can do it. I don't know if our paths met so that I could help her out of this problem only or something more, perhaps something that I have been looking for. Suddenly reminds me of a phrase I used to say, "Don't chase what goes, Don't refuse what comes".

There is nothing wrong in being positive in new adventures I guess, keeps the optimism and enthusiasm there. I guess I'm already at the stage where I don't count on what I get in return, but count on how much I gave. Sometimes I may have given out too much, but I will even give out more, and most of the time nothing returns. Maybe I've already lost faith in people, I just dont expect them to return any favours I gave, and yet I'm just too nice a guy to not help others.

Life is sometimes so...ambiguous.

Sweet and Sour

2009-07-27T00:09:00.002+07:00

You know that feeling...happy yet afraid of the sadness that might come. It's sweet and sour. It's like the feelings of love for the past few days is slowly ebbing away, and fear is coming in, fear of losing that feeling.

Maybe I'm just starting to wake up from my beauty dream, it is a nice one though, the feeling is still there. I wonder if it's still possible or not. I know I would be real sad if it didnt work out. But I guess this is love, you go insanely crazy over a person, so full of hope and full of happiness over the potentiality of being together. But when it doesnt happen, you get so very sad over it because you know you had very strong feelings but you had to let it go in the end.

This one is special I know it, the feelings is so overwhelming...it's like I know this is it, the one I have been waiting for all your life...but yet...how can I have second thoughts if I was so sure, but surely this is probably the first this feeling came to me. This is insane, it's like I want it so badly, but so afraid of not being able to get it...humans...

I just really hope that this will not turn out to be a distant and forever goodbye.

A Glitter of Hope

2009-07-17T22:47:00.002+07:00

I am not sure if it's possible or not, but I know this feeling, this yearning, perhaps I've found the person, but it is still too early to tell, need to get to know more of her. She fits almost all of my criteria, although normally at this point I'm probably afraid cos perhaps I don't believe it but I guess I have to try. It's like the chance I've been waiting for, now the potential one appears in front of me, I'll be really dumb to not do anything. If she proves to not be the one, I'll just have to accept it and find again, but if she is the one, then perhaps my long wait was not in vain.

Not sure what will happen from now, things may even turn out to be nothing but perhaps something special might happen, no use trying to predict the unknown, we just have to try our best, the rest will just flow along. Deep inside I believe, good things will happen from here on, I just have to wait for the chances to appear and take them, dont wait on them or else it will be gone.

Honesty

2009-07-09T00:17:00.003+07:00

Sometimes I really wished someone would come and try to understand me a little, someone would be bold enough to get to know me, but I guess I wouldnt want just anyone to do that, perhaps some specific people that I'm interested in I guess. Humans are just like this, it's sad but it's reality.

Ambiguity makes people suffer, you dont know when to pursue or when to give up.

I think the best in life is being honest, even though at times it may not be the best choice, but I believe honesty goes a long way. Honest with your feelings, honest with your words to others, honest about life. Because lying is tiring, you have to cover this and that, it's just too much to do for something that may not even be there at the end. But how do we differentiate honesty and foolishness? It's just the same like the edges of a sword.

I've always believed that being direct and honest is the best way, when I like a girl I will tell them I like them, and normally they would just reject me and ignore me. Perhaps I'm still waiting and hoping that one day when I tell a girl the same thing she would give me a different reaction. Perhaps faith is necessary in such matters. I would say do it when the feeling is there, there is already no point if the feeling has gone. Dont wait till the waiting has lost its meaning.

What am I writing... guess I'm just feeling lonely.

Part timing

2009-06-30T00:28:00.003+07:00

Have been a busy life, with school and part time work. Non stop assignments, lab reports and soon mid terms. Wow time is really flying this semester, but well like always, it seems that I'm pretty capable of managing everything to the point that others see it as easy for me. Maybe I just like to make things look easy for others.

And so we are in the state of life where Michael Jackson is no more, not that it is very big news, just that it is important news. The guy that made music we used to like is no more, not that he was making much new music in the past few years, but well he is still one of the best entertainers, too bad he had to make his personal life our entertainment too. And he had to go in an ugly way too, during the last seconds of his life, I wonder if he asked himself what was the point of all his surgeries to make himself white. It was totally unnecessary.

Working life is pretty good, like always everyone that met me cannot guess my age correctly haha. That is a good thing anyway. Working in a restaurant makes you understand why sometimes your food takes a really long time to arrive. Many many factors are involved, whether the waiter/waitress serving you did not write down the wrong orders, or the one keying in the orders into the computer did not make a mistake, or the kitchen that is cooking is taking too long to fulfill your order or the waiter/waitress sending your food did not send to the wrong table. Well at least that's what I learnt after spending around four weekends working. A good experience.

Another busy period coming, and I believe with HIS help I'm more than capable of getting through this period without too much stress and stuffs.

Jealous

2009-05-14T19:52:00.002+07:00

Yes I am jealous...I know I shouldnt but I am. I cant help this feeling, it's just...jealousy at its worst. Jealousy coupled with diet equals very bad starvation and very bad cravings for things as jealousy and diet both breeds stress and I for one is the type that tends to gobble food when I am stressed, but today I am holding it in. I will hold it in, have to learn to handle these things.

I have a method that helps me get over these sad moments, that is to force myself to cry it out, it's actually a lot better than holding the feelings for days inside until a lot of unnecessary things happens out of uncontrollable feelings. However it aint easy to force myself to cry though, but well that's why sad movies are good, sad songs are usable too, whatever that gets me in the mood to let my feelings out. Same concept as after someone has ate too much, they need to vomit some out, when we have too much bad feelings inside, we need to vomit them out too, it does seems that tears can contain them.

Life's like that, happy sad angry happy happy happy sad sad happy angry...a random cycle of feelings. Still looking forward to spontaneous happiness, a random word that just came out of nowhere and I don't even understand the exact meaning.

Sigh

2009-04-22T00:57:00.002+07:00

Sigh...this part of my life is titled "disappointed again".

It just always had to happen all the time, I still wonder why things just keep repeating over and over again, when will the cycle ever break......sigh

And I never learn to avoid it, I keep falling into the same trap and situation, is it my fault now? Perhaps there is some part of me that disgusts them, sigh...

I need sleep, too much of this and I'll go crazy again...dont wanna go that road again...

it hurts...

Life

2009-04-17T23:31:00.003+07:00

Everything that happens is purely chance, there is no destined nor there is fate. Everything is just chance. There is no special meaning in anything unless we attach meaning to it ourselves. One may think that is is fate when they meet someone they like and yet finds that it is coincidence that lets him meet the next person. It is because we like and we attach a meaning to it, and yet we do not attach anything special when we are neutral about it.
Bias, we all have one about everything in life. Everything that favors us and everything that makes us feel that life is unfair. Also a source on why we do the things we do.
Everything and anything is part of a choice system we employ. And that is the ultimate freedom given to us by Him. A chance to make a choice in life, in fact we have millions or even billions of chances to make a choice in our own lives. But what governs us in making the choices we made...perhaps it is the pursue of our daily material needs or the need to feel accepted in the surroundings we are in or the complex unexplainable chemical reaction that brings about an unexplainable feeling called love.

Life is simple yet complex, hard but fragile, love and hate......and for once it is nice to know that we are alive, for if we are not, we will not have all these feelings, we would be just cold and thoughtless and unmoving and that is no fun.

I can imagine that when God thought of me and created me, the words he said before I depart to this world was "Enjoy!".

I'm not sure why I was actually happy to know that you are doing well, I wasnt jealous, I wasnt sad, I wasnt bitter, I was just happy sincerely. Maybe I really love you so much that I could let you go knowing that you will be happier with someone else. But I can feel inside, some little corner of my heart was crying, and it was strange to knowingly feel that the little corner still exist. Ah life, that is what it is.

And I'm not sure why I dont have someone beside me when my family is making noises about it. There are times in life that I really wished someone was beside me physically when I needed someone, but most or all the time, I have to be content to ride that depressing moment myself. It's sad and that is part of life.

What have I been writing again......this moment of my life is titled "Happy But Sad".

Sunday

2009-04-06T03:17:00.003+07:00

Today was a fun filled day, before church there was delicious lunch and after church delicious dinner filled with lots of laughter and fun. Thank you God for giving me this wonderful day, I really laughed a lot today, it's a great day.

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun."
Ecclesiastes 8:15

What...

2009-03-24T00:01:00.003+07:00

Urr perhaps I was wrong to open pandora's box, and I had to dream of you in the afternoon, such a weird dream. A dream that makes no sense at all, the surroundings were always changing, just weird, and you appeared out of nowhere.

Oh my, when did the you in this blog changed to you. Goodness me what have I done. Feels more like infatuation than anything else, looks like another period of one sided feelings like always. Sigh this feeling should have faded a long time ago.

Even after so long

2009-03-18T23:31:00.004+07:00

It's just so weird to still have these feelings after so many long years, is it infatuation or is it the love I've been looking for all these while. When I'm sad I start to think of you again, when I'm in need of someone I think of you, when I feel that the whole world dislike me, I think of you. It's like I'm on a hill at night looking at the stars in the sky, wishing in my heart for the one day where you would find me too in your wish. When I put my hands up it feels like the stars are within reach but no matter how I grasp I can never grasp the stars.

I just realised today that it's been more than 10 years from the first time I gave you my heart, not sure why in my head it's always 7 years, seems like time froze then after that fateful dream and thawed after the dream a few weeks back.

Again I can only look at the stars, wishing that you are wishing for me too.

True Love

2009-03-03T21:30:00.002+07:00

Does it exist or does it not?

Two days ago I had a really nice dream, hard to write in words the feeling I had after that dream, although it will probably take more than a miracle to make it come true, but nonetheless I was really happy just to dream of it.

Maybe it was good I stopped the feelings before it got too deep, I could feel that the like was turning into love. But well maybe it was good I got rejected, so it was stopped there. I think the wrong part for me was that I had to like her way before I got to know her, so whatever that was bad of her was covered, cos love is just so blind. Best to just deny all.

It will take some time to get used to living with these memories, I hope that special someone would come soon and replace my memories with the new ones with her. But well, have to be patient, not sure when she will come, or even if she will come or not. I can only live with hope. Maybe this is the feeling of loving someone that I havent even met or havent got to know.

Lust

2009-02-28T23:07:00.002+07:00

Lust is bad, so forget lust, everything that I feel now is just pure lust, loneliness breeds lust. It is all just lust, so just forget. The time has come for the need to suppress feelings, being too open on lovey things are a no no. Getting sick of the way things are already, time for a change.

2009-02-25T22:28:00.002+07:00

How does it feel for someone that has never been rejected to be rejected for the first time...it must have hurt a lot. Useless questions like which part of me is bad will appear in our minds. Or is it better to be rejected often, so when we're accepted we can understand how hard it is to obtain that relationship and able to cherish it.

Love is too blind, so remember to forget.

So what...

2009-02-23T01:06:00.002+07:00

So what if I really liked her...
So what if I did the things my heart wanted to do...
So what if I was honest with her...
So what if my feelings get rejected...
So what if she knows how terrible I feel...

Can I change things back to the way they were...?
Can I redo all the things I've done...?
Can I take back all the feelings that has been developed...?
Can I make her happier than the one she really likes...?

If the girl you like is so much happier being with someone else other than you...what can you do...other than being a gentleman and let her go.

是你的就是你的，不是你的就不是你的

Lick

2009-02-19T20:27:00.002+07:00

Today I went by the pet shop and went in after dinner. There was this little cute pug that was shivering...if I could I wanted to hug him in my warmth. Then there was this mix breed, looks like a mixture of german sheperd and those wild dogs. Its name is Chocolate, written 6 months old though I dont think it looks much younger. I put my hand in from the top where there was an opening and Chocolate kept licking my fingers, It must be really lonely and need a home. Think it's abandoned or something cos he's for adoption. How I wish I could talk to dogs, just to talk to them, find out about their lives and stuffs.

Yeah when I write on my blog it pretty mean one thing, that is I'm not happy. This is how I feel now and probably after every rejection.

Yea yea my fault like always, shouldnt have fallen for her. Maybe I shouldnt fall for anyone, I make a much better friend than a boyfriend. Not being honest hurts people, but being honest makes you vulnerable of being taken advantage.

A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings