Hated Child

2024-02-12T17:34:00.000-08:00

"Saturday is my mother's birthday, and I am dreading it. I am stuck in a limbo, not sure of what to do for her birthday. It should be as simple as getting her a birthday card or a random gift, but instead it is another situation where I must choose between standing my ground or not hurting her. If I do not contact her on her birthday, it will be further "proof" that I am an insensitive and selfish child. If I buy her something, it will be seen as a sign that I am weaker than her or that I am extending an olive branch over our most recent fallout. It's one of those situations where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

It didn't have to be this way, but it is now and there is no need to cry over it. You see, my mother is a controlling mother, and sometimes it feels like she hates me. No, I'm not a teenager accusing my mother of hating me because she didn't buy me the latest pair of hundred dollar sneakers. I'm not a disgruntled young adult, upset because my mommy won't pay my cell phone bill. I'm just a regular daughter who has to deal with a mother who appears to me emotionally unstable, and incapable of ever loving me the right way."

The above two paragraphs were originally written in 2011 and saved as a draft on my computer. Fast forward to 2024 and I still feel the same exact way I did thirteen years ago. When I wrote those words thirteen years ago my mother and I were not officially estranged. We have now been estranged for nine years. Our relationship was always rocky, a constant roller coaster of unstable truces where we attempted to get along, and extended periods of silent treatments.

False starts urged on by half hearted apologies on her part would always lull me into believing that this time around we would be able to coexist and maybe even have a meaningful mother daughter relationship. We would have a few weeks or months of guarded normalcy followed by yet another violation of my trust. That would be followed by weeks of ignoring each other until one of us would extend the olive branch and then the cycle would continue once again. That cycle came to an end in two thousand fourteen after a nasty family incident and we have never recovered from that.

Last year was her sixtieth birthday. I was invited to her party at the last minute by a family member. I chose not to go for several reasons and later found out that none of her children were in attendance. I can only speculate that she has also fallen out with them since I am also estranged from my siblings. I was really sad when I found out she spent that day without her children.

Shortly after that I saw her in a public place, swallowed my pride and wished her a happy birthday. That day we talked for a while and I suggested that maybe we try to slowly mend the relationship. She seemed happy about that and I followed up a few days later with a text that was ignored. It wasn't a huge deal and I thought I would try again in a few days or weeks, however she beat me to the punch. Shortly thereafter she messaged me a text that was completely insensitive and ill-timed.

That was almost a year ago and today is her birthday. Once again I was met with the same thoughts about what the "right" thing to do was. Should I reach out again and say happy birthday or continue to ignore it the way I have for the last nine years? I am keenly aware that my mother is getting older. I am also convinced that she has some mental health issues that may cause her to act the way she does. I want to be the bigger person but I also want her to suffer the way she has made me suffer. Nothing feels like the right thing to do.

The day is coming to a close. I still have time to send that text message. Although I have mostly come to terms with the fact that we will never have a close relationship and I have made peace with my decision to cut her off, I can't help but to wonder if I will regret not sending the message when she is gone. As I pick up the phone to text her I can't help but to read the last unsettling text she sent, after which I immediately blocked her again.

These are the decisions we as hated children have to contemplate on a regular basis. We are constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place, a strange world that has no rules. In the past I have had the luxury of time but through the years it has become more real that I will not always have this time. I suppose sometimes it's not about being right but about doing what your spirit feels is right at that time. I think I am going to send the text.

Conflicted

2018-02-18T17:04:00.002-08:00

You love her but you do not like her. You want her out of your life but you miss her. You want to really give her a piece of your mind but you have to respect her. You want to get over it and move on but you feel obligated to stick around and try to make it work. Back and forth, back and forth.

A glimmer of hope that she is finally changing swiftly crushed by another snide remark or misunderstanding. A few weeks of peace erupts in a new battle over something trivial. An apology followed not too long after by the same old destructive behavior. Conflicted.

For some of us, it's cut and dry, black and white, but for more of us it isn't quite that simple. In between the love of a mother and the hate of what the relationship has become are many varying shades of gray. Some of us have only just begun to realize that our relationships with our mothers are not normal, and some of us have come to realize that "not normal" is really a nice way of saying "Dysfunctional". Some of us have even come to the unsavory conclusion that our mothers hate us. Some of us are still at a point where we are trying to salvage a relationship or we have resigned ourselves to accept the relationship as it is. Yet even for those of us who have chosen to walk away and close that door, the truth remains that most of us are still conflicted.

The blog posts have mostly faded as the emotions attached to my mother have. In the beginning I was tormented and pained by everything that happened, and now after such a long journey I am mostly at peace. I am afraid that as time goes by I will forget the many ways she hurt me, but I suppose that is bound to happen as I purposely try to forget the pain. In retrospect I wish I had written a book when the pain was still fresh and every evil deed was burned into my memory.

In other posts I have mentioned that for my own sanity I decided to cut all ties with my mother. This is a choice I made that I have not regretted at all. I have found that most daughters are extremely hesitant to do this. While I understand the reasoning I have to say that I am a proponent of cutting ties with anything and and everything that no longer serves you or brings you peace.

In the many responses and comments I have received I notice that many of you daughters do not have a choice. Because of financial reasons or because you are still a minor you are still living with your hateful mothers. This makes me sad but I do hope that once you are able to that you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. For me this meant cutting all communication event though she does not live far from me, but for you this might mean cutting communication down as much as you can possibly tolerate. This might mean giving her a call once a week or visiting her once a year.

When you choose to love yourself first you will feel conflicted but I promise you that feeling conflicted is better that what you are feeling now. I have decided for my own sanity that I would rather be outright hated than kind of, sort of loved. I am happy to say that I no longer feel conflicted about my decision or relationship with my mother. Occasionally I am sad, but I am not conflicted. I hope for your own sake that you make choices that benefit your well being. I am sending you all love and positive vibes.

REJECTION

2017-01-10T19:59:00.000-08:00

Something strange happened in the month of December. It had to do with being rejected. Here is the story:

I had a coworker who was my superior. We were very close for a long time and had developed a friendship. She was a motherly figure to me and to others at the job. During the summer I felt she was starting to act strange toward me. Our conversations whittled down to her barely saying hi to me.

I found myself, as I often do when I am having relationship issues, trying to understand what went wrong. I searched my memory to figure out what I had done to offend her or turn her off. I wondered if maybe I had said something that might have upset her. I spent countless hours trying to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why she would start treating me differently. I also did what I have a habit of doing when confronted with the poor behavior of others: I made excuses for her.

Try as I might I simply could not pinpoint when the change occurred or what may have prompted it. I am not a confrontational person which I'm sure has everything to do with being raised by a mother like mine so having a simple conversation with her was not going to happen. I began to feel tension between us and although coworkers assured me I was just "overreacting" (and yes I do that often) I was positive this was more than just my imagination.

Eventually the tension, real or imagined, became too much. I am a highly emotional person and feeling betrayed by her made me uncomfortable at work whenever she was around. For that reason and other reasons totally unrelated to her I began to look for, and got a new job. It was a difficult decision but after eight years on the job I felt it best to move forward.

Before leaving I decided I had to confront the elephant in the room. It is harder for me to wonder about something than it is to know the truth, no matter how hurtful it is. Upon giving my two week notice I blurted out, "I don't think you like me anymore". She seemed surprised and asked why I felt that way to which I replied, "You never talk to me anymore." And because I am an emotional crybaby I then began to get teary eyed at which point she assured me she DID like me, that I was still a part of the "team", and I would certainly be invited to the Christmas party.

Let's fast forward now.

I'll spare you all the drama and he-said, she said that transpired during the later half of November as my former job and coworkers were planning the Christmas party. I'll spare you the details on how I wondered and spent a crap load of emotional energy wondering if I would be invited by "her". I won't relay the conversations I had with a close coworker who still worked at the job about how my name had not been mentioned at all when the Christmas party conversations came up. As much as I'm sure you would get enjoyment from those things, let's move on. It gets better.

As the Christmas party came closer it became clear that I was not invited by her. I am as much prideful as I am non confrontational so one thing I refused to do was ask (beg) to be invited. I decided that if she did not invite me I would not go even though other coworkers asked me to come. It was her event. She was the boss. She was my friend. It was up to her to invite me. The week leading up to the party was one I look back upon with sadness. I wanted so bad to be wanted. I wanted so bad for her to love me again. I wanted so bad to not be rejected.

I was really surprised by my emotional response to feeling rejected by someone I highly esteemed. I thought I had put all that dysfunctional mom baggage behind me. I'm strong, independent, confident and I love myself. It had not crossed my mind in years that I needed to feel loved by other people. It's amazing what lies in our sub conscious minds. I was surprised to realize that perhaps I had not dealt with all my mom issues.

I'm not sure if it's because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive person) that rejection feels so gut wrenchingly awful or if it's because of being rejected by my mother but what I felt in December is something I had not felt in a long time and not a feeling I care to repeat. Everyone who knew what was going on, including my husband felt I was overreacting and I probably was, but overreacting is one of the by-products of being rejected by your first love-your mother. Healthy people with healthy bonding habits and relationships may have felt slighted by being left out but they wouldn't have dwelled on it the way I did. They wouldn't have been irritable, furious, and utterly miserable about it. They would have "gotten over it", but I could not.

It brought back so many nasty feelings, ones I thought were way in my past. It hurt like hell to be rejected and whether it was done purposely or I was merely forgotten, it was depressing to feel that people who loved me just a few weeks earlier had simply moved on and had not questioned my absence at the office party. Even talking about it now, a few weeks later brings tears to my eyes. It still hurts.

I have many of the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic. There are some memories of my mother being drunk but most of my childhood is a blur and since I cannot remember her being an alcoholic I hesitate to put that label upon her, though I will gladly call her a nut job without hesitation. Since I cannot definitively call her an alcoholic it's hard for me to identify where these symptoms of being an adult child of an alcoholic come from. One of those symptoms is the need for constant affirmation and approval. I'm disappointed with myself that I still crave approval.

Another rejection, one I should be very familiar with by now also happened in the month of December. It happened on Christmas to be exact. I'm sure some of you who have cut ties with mother and/or family members understands how lonely it can be on the holidays. Holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Mother's Day can be especially emotional. Even though I am glad to have separated from my mother's dysfunctional behaviors I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her occasionally. Christmas is one of those times that can be sad for me.

Well, she dropped off some presents for my kids. As stealthily as Santa himself and as has been done in the past she dropped them off at the front doorstep with no knock or ringing of the doorbell. I just happened to see the presents when I went to the door for something. Now in the past and as recently as last year seeing those presents on the doorstep triggered a negative reaction in me. It made me ANGRY. Not angry that she was buying my children something just angry at her and the situation. This year it didn't bother me so much however, she did include a Christmas card addressed to both of my children. The omission of my name on the card was not done by mistake. It was her way of once again letting it be known that she does not like me, that I am not included and that she has disowned me. It hurt a little.

Rejection. I have issues with it. I'm sure you do too. Hopefully you are working with someone to resolve those issues because as I have seen just when you think you are past it, those issues come back with a vengeance. I'm not sure that any of us can ever really get over having a mother who hates us, a mother who has done her best to make our lives miserable, a mother who has behaved like anything but a mother but we can certainly grow and lead happy and mostly healthy lives without her. Without her. Think about that. Can you be happy with her? Would you be happy without her? Only you can answer that question.

Hey, thanks for reading my blog, fellow hated children. Be sure to join my facebook page here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/

2016-09-08T06:35:00.002-07:00

THE BLAME GAME

One sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality is that person will never take responsibility for their actions. They will always make up an excuse as to why they did what they did and usually they will try to find another person to blame. They might use phrases such as, "If you hadn't gone to the party I wouldn't have had to be online talking to my ex." In their minds there is always some other person at work trying to destroy them or cause problems though they never realize that they are the problem.

My mother moved a few months ago. Previously we had been living within a few blocks of each other. Her move was to be mysterious and secretive. She did not want anyone to know where she lived, especially me.

When she found out someone had disclosed her location she was furious. See, despite the fact that she had successfully turned my siblings against me and her actions had motivated them to slash the tires on my car and put sugar in my tank in her mind I was a threat and problem she had to run away from. This is a prime example of a person not being able to see the reality of a situation.

Long before she moved she displayed this sort of finger pointing concerning my son. She consistently undermined my authority as his parent by questioning the rules I made and giving him things I would say he could not have. If she saw him doing something wrong she would let him get away with it and if I punished him I was made to look like the bad guy. This of course left my son feeling very confused.

When my son began to act up I was blamed for his behavior because I was not a good mother and a bad influence. Eventually he went to live with her. Under her care and authority he continued to get in trouble. Instead of accepting that her unwillingness to discipline him might be contributing to the problem she instead blamed me. This time it was my fault because I didn't spend enough time with him.

What she failed to see is that both my presence in his life or so-called absence could not have both been contributing to his bad behavior. Either I was a bad influence or I wasn't. If his living with me was the problem than presumably the behavior would have changed for the better once he was no longer living with me. Instead it got worse under her care. Instead of accepting that truth she had to find a way around it and began to complain that I wasn't spending enough time with him and that is what was causing the behavior,

As you can see, mother's like this are very confusing. As a child you only know that your mother is right. That is what we are taught. It is hard to grasp that mother is not always right and sometimes she is just downright wrong. The constant shifting of blame will cause you to second guess your every decision. The blame game wreaks havoc on your self esteem.

To be free from her psychological clutches you must learn to separate her truth from yours. Her truth is often distorted by jealousy and the need to avoid responsibility. You must stop second guessing yourself and stop questioning if you are wrong. You are not to blame for the things your mother does. You cannot force her to do anything. The choices she makes and the resulting consequences are hers alone. It is not your job to cover for her, make excuses for her behavior or minimalise what she does and it is certainly not your responsibility to accept blame for the state of the relationship.

If you enjoyed this blog come on down and join the facebook page Hated Child. There you can enjoy more discussion.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/

2016-04-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about some tactics manipulative mother's use against their children. If you are a hated daughter than you have probably been on the receiving end of tactics designed to throw you off balance and wreak havoc in your life. For most of us the emotional abuse began at a young age. In my case, the dysfunction showed it's face when I became a teenager. Regardless of when it began the root cause is the same, a mother who is not content with her own life and harbors some sort of jealousy and/or animosity toward her daughter.

One common theme I see among this group of hated daughters is a mother who tries, and often succeeds at turning other people against the hated child. Mothers will turn other siblings, other family members and even their daughters own children against their mother. When the feeling of hating their own daughter's is no longer enough to give them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside they have to "round up the troops" to create a bigger force against the daughter. They often achieve this by starting rumors, making false accusations, or telling half truths all in an effort to make the daughter look evil or at least worthy of the poor treatment.

Playing the victim goes hand in hand with turning others against the hated child. The mother does not take responsibility for her actions or part in the discord. She blames her daughter for all the problems. The sole responsibility for any problems in the relationship will lie squarely on the daughter's shoulders even when the mother is blatantly wrong! The mother, driven by her narcissistic personality, often does not see anything wrong with her actions and truly believes the daughter is wrong.

The silent treatment is a powerful tool and using it often puts the daughter at great unease. Dysfunctional mothers have difficulty communicating and prefer to use passive aggressive means of getting their way. Weak at her core, and highly insecure, the mother resorts to childish methods of sulking, silence, and sometimes tears to keep the daughter off balance and wondering what will happen next. The term, "walking on eggshells" is often used when describing romantic abusive relationships but those who have dysfunctional mothers often find themselves also walking on eggshells because of their mother's highly unpredictable behavior.

There are many more tactics used by dysfunctional mothers all used for the sole purpose of gaining the upper hand in an invisible power struggle between she and her daughter. If you find yourself involved in this type of messy relationship I urge you to find the strength to distance yourself from the chaos and negativity. The guilt you feel is not authentic. It comes from an outward source, your mother's behavior and should not be confused with having committed any wrongdoing. When other family members become entangled in her web it will be even more difficult to pry free from the constant barrage of insults against your character, but freedom is what you deserve!

My counselor often tells me that she has treated children who were severely abused by their mother, but when given a choice between going to a foster home or going back with their mother they always will choose the mother, despite the poor treatment they have received. Are we any different as adults? The bond between a mother and child is so strong it is rarely severed. It is against all that is normal to detach the emotional umbilical cord to your mother but cut it you must if your sanity and well being is at stake.

If your mother is only mildly dysfunctional and you feel you can maintain your sense of self and still have a relationship with her than keeping the lines of communication open is possible. However, if the level of dysfunction has turned into toxicity than you owe it to yourself to pry free from the abuse. I have been completely estranged from my mother for two years. It has gotten easier but it still hurts on occasion. There are times I feel very alone without her but I have decided that I would rather be alone than allow myself to be treated poorly by her anymore. I hope for your sake you will make a choice that is best for you.

Choosing Sides

2014-12-04T18:09:00.001-08:00

One thing I have learned in this journey is that despite assurances they do not choose sides, most people do. It is incredibly difficult for a person to remain neutral in the midst of family dysfunction. In life it is natural for people to choose an allegiance. Are you Democrat or Republican? Do you prefer chocolate cake or vanilla? We all have things we agree with, and things we do not really like. In relationships, things are no different. Rest assured that if you have had a difficult relationship with your mother, and your family knows about it, they have already tried you and came up with their verdict. So in your family are you the victim or the problem?

For years my sister promised me she was neutral. Assured over and over again that she would not pick a side in this ongoing battle between my mother and I, I found myself many times hesitantly revelaing things about my personal life to her. She was my sister, and sister's are supposed to be best friends, right? When I had family problems she was usually the first to know, or at least the one to know the most intimate details. She and my mother were always closer than my mother and I, but I was only slightly worried my sister would go back and repeat what I would tell her. Time and time again I would find that my mother would have knowledge of things going on in my life I had not told her and deep down inside I knew my sister was going back and telling, yet I think I was so desperate to have a family that I overlooked it time and time again.

In my extended family I have always been the villain. Running away and putting my mother through hell as a teenager got me labeled a problem child. My rebellious nature sticks in their minds and they cannot seem to get past that. It is hard for them to believe that I am not the issue or trouble maker. Choosing to stay to myself has not helped my cause. Because of all the friction between my mother and myself I normally choose to stay away from family functions. There have been times of peace between my mother and I and during those times I would show up but by and large I am a mystery to my extended family. What they know of me and who I am comes largely from my mother has told them.

A recent death in the family brought us all together as a family. During that trying time I got a very clear view of who was on my side and who had been sucked into her lies and deceit. I was very surprised to learn that aunts whom I thought did not like me were actually the ones who ran to my side, and those who I thought I was cool with totally flipped on me. It was a very difficult lesson to learn. In hindsight, which is always twenty-twenty, I wish I had showed up more instead of cowering in a corner afraid to be seen or heard and afraid of judgement. I wish I would have stood up for myself and let them get to know me for themselves instead of leaving it up to my mother to paint a picture of who I am.

Remember that you cannot convince anyone to like you, including your mother. All you can really do is continue to live your life the best way you know how and try to be an example of love and grace. Don't get angry at the people in your life who have chosen to side with your mother. Instead, continue to love them as you remember that your mother is very likely manipulation and controlling them the same way she tried to do with you. Although my mother has repeatedly treated my sister poorly, my sister has unfortunately decided to give her total allegiance to my mother. Understand that some people are more easily controlled than others and be thankful you are not one of them, or that you are learning to not be one of them.

Please feel free to join my Facebook group, "Hated Child". It is a closed group but I would love to have more hated daughters there so we can continue this dialogue.

Never Good Enough

2014-09-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

One tactic used by mothers to exert control over their daughters is a mental manipulation game used to keep daughter on her toes. It is a game where daughter is never right. Mother creates a standard and daughter tries her best to reach it. Once daughter (finally) feels she has reached that standard mother raises the bar even higher. Thus, daughter can never successfully meet her mothers expectations which leaves her feeling frustrated.

Here is what a dialogue might sound like between a mother and daughter who are in a dysfunctional pattern:

Mom: "So Sue, what are you doing with your life these days?"

Sue: "Well, I'm still working part time at the Law firm. I should be getting promoted soon."

Mom: (grunts and rolls her eyes)

Sue: "Amy just went on maternity leave. I'm pretty sure they are eyeing me for her position because she will likely return to part time."

Mom: "That's nice, but what about the Law Firm I told you about last week? Those people there seem real nice. They handled dad's case a few years ago."

Sue: "Yes, but I like where I work it's close to home and everyone there are real nice."

Mom: "Sue, you have to get serious about life, you really should apply at that law firm we spoke about. You can't stay part time forever."

Sue: "But mom, do you remember the last law firm I worked for offered me the full time job, you thought it would be too much for me. You thought I should decline the position and focus on going back to school."

Mom: "Well, whatever happened to school anyway?" (Notice that when the mother is put on the spot or challenged she changes the conversation to take the focus off of her or avoid answering the question. Because she does not have a sufficient answer for her daughter's question she will switch to talking about school where she may gain the upper hand in the conversation).

Sue: "After we talked about how it wasn't such a good school I decided to take some time off and look into other schools."

Mom: " I never told you to quit."

Sue: "I know mom, but you acted like you hated the school. You kept telling me I could do better."

Mom: "I think you should have stayed where you were, and finished college. You could have worked part time."

Sue: (Exasperated) "But mom! You just said I should try to get a full time job."

What is happening in the above dialogue? To someone who doesn't know better it seems like nothing more than a mother who is slightly annoying and can't make up her mind, but in reality we are seeing a mother who is a) offering unsolicited advice, b) questioning her daughter's ability to make an intelligent decision for her own life c) creating in her daughter a feeling of confusion.

That is just the beginning. When this type of confusing advice or direction is constantly offered to a daughter, who then follows the advice only to be met with her mother's disaproval, it creates a daughter who is always uneasy and unsure of what is really expected of her. Furthermore, this type of behavior causes a daughter to question herself when making important decisions.

Does this sound like something your mother does? Join the group on facebook. I haven't posted much because it is a new group with no members but I would like to continue the dialogue there.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/

2014-06-01T21:06:00.004-07:00

Some of you may be happy to know I have created a new facebook group for this small community of hated daughters.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/256985481155571/

Please feel free to join.

Help Me Understand What this Means

2014-04-08T20:47:00.002-07:00

Hello all. Sorry to say this may not be a post that will be beneficial to most but I am sitting here kind of stunned and thought I would reach out to this little community. By chance I had purchased a book titled, "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz a few years ago. Since my mother drank a little when I was growing up, and because I am always looking for answers for why my relationship with my mother is so dysfunctional I purchased the book but never read it. Just yesterday I picked up the book and on the back cover there were a list of "symptoms" one might have if they were a child of an alcoholic. As I looked it over I felt a knot in my stomach as I realized I display pretty much every attribute of being the child of an alcoholic.

My interest piqued, I went online today to take a quiz about adult children of alcoholics and am dumbfounded that I scored 17 out of 20 questions for having the attributes of the child of an alcoholic. I am not sure what this means because I had never perceived my mother as being an alcoholic. I remember very little of my childhood, but I do remember there was a period where my mother probably drank too much. I had never thought too much of it as she never abused us or called us names as a result of drinking. In my mind I would never have identified her as being an alcoholic, so I am not sure how I have all the attributes of being the child of an alcoholic.

I have to do more research but I am kind of freaked out right now. I have always felt "different" as if I was struggling more than the average person to figure life out and I could never put my finger on it. If it turns out that, in fact, my mother's period of drinking affected me this much...I have to start from scratch. It means that all the theories I had about our relationship or lack thereof must all be washed away and I have to start over again. It means that maybe things are not as complicated between us as I had thought and maybe all the wondering and figuring out was actually quite simple-she was an alcoholic and it ruined our relationship.

Well, I have to go think, but before I do that I wanted to leave a bit of good news. I have decided to move forward with my plans to write a book about my relationship with my mother. I believe it should take no more than two years to be ready to be published. I will keep you all updated and may be reaching out to some of you for your stories or input.

Keep the faith ladies, things will get better.-Angie

2012-11-09T19:58:00.001-08:00

Not much going on in my world but I do have a question. Suppose I wrote a book on this subject...what would you like to learn from the book? What questions do you have about this subject? Would you be willing to tell your story? Give me your thoughts.

No One Understands

2012-10-11T21:46:00.002-07:00

It happened again today. I was at work and began telling a coworker how much my mother hates me. Before I could finish my sentence, she shook her head, rolled her eyes, and said, "You all need to seek God about this." I mentally kicked myself in the arse for once again, thinking that someone would "get it".

My coworker is great. She is a shoulder to cry on, one of the people I go to to whine about my marriage or complain about my weight gain. I can tell her everything and she usually gets it, but talking about my mother gains me no sympathy from her, or just about anyone else. Can I blame them? Is it their fault that society and maybe even nature has dictated that mothers can do no wrong, or at least no wrong great enough that their daughters would not longer want to have a relationship with them?

I am sick of it, really I am. As stated in previous posts, I have been going through the drama with my mother for about the last ten years. I have been through the range of emotions: guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and on and on. This month I am back to anger, but not a raging confused anger, but an anger that is controlled and knowing. I KNOW that my anger will get me nowhere. It will not make my mother love me anymore. It will not make her stop calling child protective services on me. It isn't going to make her ask for my forgiveness. But it is my anger, and I have the right to it.

There are many reasons mothers hate their daughters...but at the very core, when you dig through all the psychological layers and the outward manifestations I believe there are really only two reasons a mother would hate her child and those are JEALOUSY and a NEED TO BE IN CONTROL. Jealousy comes from unfulfilled desires, a feeling of not being enough, fear, and wanting what another has. The need to control usually comes from one who at some point has felt out of control. It comes from one who has been controlled. It is the desire to manipulate circumstances and people, for in so doing the controller feels safe and strong.

My mother hates me. I am sure of it now. At one point, not long ago, I made myself feel fuzzy inside by thinking, "She loves me in her own (weird) way." She.Loves.Me. It felt good. It was not a lovely feeling, but it was doable and made her more human. However, due to some recent vindictive happenings I have now come to the conclusion that she hates me. She.Hates.Me.

She hates me. Somehow this feels right. It is simplistic, and may be only half true, but it works for me right now. With this new discovery I have been feeling a renewed desire to tell people about my mother. I mistakenly thought that if I could confidently tell people my mother hates me, I was sure they would accept it at face value. There would be no need to explain in detail how she insinuates to my children that I am a bad mother. I would not have to explain how my mother refuses to acknowledge any of her wrongdoing. There is no need to explain that someone hates you...or so I thought.

I imagine you are here because you, like me, have had very little success in finding a sympathetic ear. Every time you try to express how you feel you are shot down with a certain look, a clucking tongue, a roll of the eyes. You are made to be the perpetrator of great evil, when in fact, you are the victim. I know how frustrating it is. At times it feels hopeless; you throw your hands up in defeat and accept that you will always be the bad guy. Why is it that no one understands?

Well, they do not understand because they have never been through it. They do not understand because they have never had their mother tell lies on them. They do not have mothers who plot against them. They may have the random disagreement with their mothers or a misunderstanding that quickly subsides when one calls the other asking for forgiveness. They are not hated, so they will never understand.

I have no real jewels this post. I am just getting some things off my chest. My mother, when challenged by me, begins to pull out all the stops to sabotage my life. She becomes a crazed witch when I dare to defy her commands or desires. When I stand on my own two feet, it is then she shows me very clearly how much she cannot stand me. Stay tuned...

More on Relationships

2011-08-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

In previous posts I have scratched the surface of the subject of mothers hating their daughters. The question on everyone’s mind is, “What do I do if I am a daughter dealing with this type of mother.” I want to give you that answer, to the best of my ability, but I feel by laying the groundwork, and gaining understanding of the “why’s”, will help us to figure out the “how’s”, later on.

I am not an “expert” on this subject. There are no diplomas on my wall, or fancy resumes to be found. The bulk of my knowledge, sadly, comes from first hand experience. I am the daughter of a mother who has complex issues, and who has chosen a road most mothers would never choose. In the past, her behavior, and actions took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. Loosening the emotional grip she had over my mind took many, many years, and the help of others. My hope is that one day, you too, will be free from what you are going through with your mother.

I have spent a lot of time talking about mothers, but now I want to talk about you.

You have probably been through every range of negative emotion there is:

Sadness at the treatment you receive from your mother.

Jealousy at the relationship she appears to have with other people, including your siblings.

Anger that there is no way to retaliate, at the poor treatment, that others blame it on you.

Confusion as you try to understand WHY your mother is the way she is.

Self esteem issues. Insecurity. Questioning the love of everyone around you. Making poor romantic decisions. Having a hard time bonding with your own children. The damage a hateful mother wreaks, reaches far and wide. It affects you to your core.

For me, one of the things which really bothers me is when people give me their pitying look, followed by, “But she is your mother, and you only get one mother”. The widespread belief, woven into the fabric of our society is that mother’s can do no evil so bad that a child would “abandon” them. I could almost believe that, and surely understand why people hold so fast to that belief. Who really wants to think a mother is capable of hating or abusing their child? If a mother cannot be trusted, who can?

Although the rawness of the emotions are now fully gone, there are times when I still cannot help but to wonder what went wrong with the relationship my mother and I had. I am not ashamed to tell people that I do not speak to my mother. I also do not mind telling them what transpired. However, when I am telling my story I usually feel like I have to justify my decision. I find myself adding drama just to make it seem like I wasn’t being too sensitive or rash.

Am I justified? In short, my mother has a nasty habit of telling others my business, even when the business is usually not true, or only partially true. One of the people she has a habit of confiding in is an ex who emotionally abused me for five years. She has also been known to tell my children things which are not true. There are lots of people who could overlook these things, and I did, for many years. But eventually I came to the point where I realized the emotional roller coaster just was not normal. It took a long time before I stopped justifying and overlooking her bad behavior. When I finally let it go, I was relieved of so much guilt.

I know you are out there. I know there are many of you who have been through much worse than I have. The stories you could probably share would cause my jaw to drop. They would make other experiences pale in comparison. I am also sure there are some of you who choose to maintain a relationship with your mothers despite what has transpired. Although there will always be people who will not understand, know that you have a right to feel the way you feel. There is no one in the world who can tell you you are overreacting or that you are wrong. It is your life. You get to make the decisions.

That being said, as always, I personally feel that reconciliation is always admirable. Taking the high road is exceptional, but not if it will leave you in the corner, shaking in the dark because your emotions have been through the ringer. You have the right to change your mind. Severing the relationship may be the right choice one day, restarting it at some point in the future may be a possibility. Keep in mind, that because many of these mothers we speak of have control issues, trying to restart the relationship later on down the line may be difficult. Do what feels right inside.

In the future, I want to talk a little about how having a dysfunctional relationship with your mother might affect your other relationships, and possibly explore ways to deal with it (counseling anyone?). Stay tuned…

The Betrayal of a Mother

2011-02-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

If you are a mother you know what true love feels like. Your children bring out an emotion in you like no one else can do. You love the way they smell, the way they feel, and the cute way they smile at you. With them you understand what unconditional love means, and your dreams for them have no limit. You want them to have more than you had, and you pray they won't make the same dumb mistakes you made.

If you are a mother, you are unselfish, and give of yourself freely, sometimes to your own hurt. No, you are not perfect, but you do the best you can. You would never dream of hurting your child, physically or emotionally, and you take care to ensure you are not the cause of their suffering or pain. This is what mothers do. They love, and even when it does not feel reciprocated, you love some more. Even if you do not have children, you are sure that if you ever do have a child you will give them your all. Is giving your all not a part of what mothering is about?

Being a good mother should come naturally we think. Most of us could never dream of a mother hurting their child, and yet we see it on the news all the time. There are mothers who hurt their children physically, and those who hurt their children by negligence. There are some mothers who hurt their children by leaving them in the care of men they are not very familiar with. Yes, mothers hurt their children all the time, but many times we don't know it until it is plastered on the news, and we are too late.

Not all mothers hurt their children in ways that are obvious. While it seems we are in the minority, children, and more specifically, daughters, who have been treated poorly by their mothers, are actually a larger group than many would care to admit. But we are out there, and I know this because of the response I have received to the articles I wrote on this subject on Associated Content (When Mothers Hate Their Daughters). Out of the woodworks came stories from other daughters revealing what thier mothers had done to them and how sad they were about their circumstance.

What exactly had their mothers done? While no one provided in depth detail due to limited space, I got the sense that their pain was as real as mine, and that, like me there was a hole in thier hearts that would never be filled. Our mothers had betrayed us. They let us down. The one who we should have been able to trust more than anyone else, and who should have loved us more than anyone else, did not meet our expectations. But why? I can only tell my story...

It's hard delving into the details. I am at a place in my life where I have chosen the path of oblivion. I've tried anger and sadness. They got me nowhere. I tried passive aggressiveness and I tried screaming. It all got me nowhere. You see, my mother will not understand, and I am convinced, she will never comprehend exactly what she has done to cause me pain. No, talking won't help, and neither will letters. In her mind, she is right and above doing wrong. With a person who simply refuses to look at the reflection in the mirror, getting to the point of mutual understanding becomes impossible.

My story begins like any other. I was born and my mother was happy. Fast forward to Kindergarten, Halloween parade. I was dressed in some costume and mom was dressed as a witch. We stood outside in the sunshine at school watching the parade go by and admiring the costumes. Then mom pushed me to the side, hissing at me to move over so she could be seen.

When we got home she was livid, screaming at me and asking me why I kept standing in front her, as if I had deliberately chosen to stand in her limelight. Her limelight. Only the parade wasn't about her, it was about the children. On that day, for whatever reason, I became her rival, someone she had to compete with. At the age of five I remember feeling confused, not sure what her ranting was about, but knowing deep down inside that something about her attitude just was not normal.

Things floated along until I became a teenager. I met a boy. I ran away and started exerting my independence. I put her through hell, and because of it she started disliking me tremendously. She could not rebound from the fact that I had had sex. I suppose in some way she saw it as a direct betrayal of herself, instead of understanding that I was just being a bratty teenager. What I did in my teen years proved to be too much for her to handle. I got pregnant and again it was about how I had hurt her, as opposed to how I had hurt myself.

As an adult she floated in and out of loving me. Some days she was in a good mood, happy to go shopping with me. Other days, totally unexpectedly she would greet me at the door with a scowl. It came to the point where I was nervous every time I went to her house because I didn't know what type of mood she would be in. On those days, when she was in a pissy mood, I would wrack my brain, trying to remember what I had done to offend her, and try to find ways to make it better between us. But just like an abusive relationship, and dealing with an abusive husband there was no way to please her.

Things usually remained cordial until a new man would come into my life. Instead of spending my days shopping or gossiping with her, I might spend a day with a new guy friend. She felt affronted and neglected, and our relationship would cool until the guy was no longer an issue and I could spend my time with her. She was trying to exert her control of me and she did it by manipulating my emotions.

I had been in an abusive relationship for a few years and had dropped out of school. Once I was out the relationship, I decided to go back to school. When I was accepted to a well known college I was full of excitement and couldn't wait to tell her of my good fortune. She had dropped out of school when she was young so I was sure she would be excited that I was bettering my life. In my mind I could see the smile on her face when I told her, the congratulatory hug. Instead, she never turned around from washing her dishes and simply mumbled, "That's nice."

I could go on and on, detailing the many things she did to derail my success, how she never once, in all my years of schooling, asked how school was going. I could tell of all the ways, after I had children, she tried to turn them against me, or how she constantly tried to control me. I could tell you how she never acknowledged by accomplishments but was always the first to point out my failures. Yes, I could go on and on, but I'm sure by now you get the drift.

Of course I have only written the negative. I would be wrong to paint my mother as a monster. She was not. We had our share of good times, and when we were growing up she single handedly raised us to the best of her ability. When we were younger, she was a good mom, but somewhere along the way she made poor choices as it concerned me. Let me also point out that I was no saint. As I noted, as a teenager I put her through hell, but as an adult I tried my best to make it up to her. She was unable to let go of the past and her insistence on controlling my life persisted until I got married, and even then, in her passive-agressive way she tried to retain some form of control.

I tell this story, and I will tell more in the future, to better help you, the reader, understand that you are not alone. As you read, you may be saying to yourself, "Aha! That's what my mother has been doing all these years." Many times we have a habit of rationalizing away her behavior because it simply seems impossible that our mothers could actually want to hurt us. You might suddenly get a revelation that your mother is not the person you thought she was or hoped she would be.

Honestly, what my mother has done pales in comparison to what other mothers have done to their daughters. I would say that for the most part, what my mother has done has remained relatively tame. Not every daughter is so lucky. There are daughters who have been humilated in front of friends and other family members, daughters who have been sued, and daughters who have been neglected, all because their mothers have psychological and/or emotional issues that have not been addressed.

Again, I would love to hear your stories. While I am saddened to hear the stories of others, it also helps me to deal with my situation to know that I am not alone. In the future I plan on getting more in depth on how to deal with the mother-daughter situation. Hopefully I can give you tools to help you cope with your mother issue and help you regain some control of the relationship. It is important that you not allow the relationship with your mother take over your whole life. It can be very easy to spend too much time feeling bad about what has happend instead of accepting what now is. Until next time...blessings, Miss Angel

The Hateful Mother

2011-02-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

What words would you use to describe your mother?

*controlling?
*manipulative?
*jealous?
*vindictive?
*jealous?
*disrespectful?
*overbearing?
*evil?

If you are like me, these are exactly the types of words you will use to describe your mother. Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated. I think all of these relationships go through periods of ups and downs. A mature and loving relationship gets through the tough times, mostly unscathed. Mature people are able to talk through or work through their issues. A dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship is unsteady to its' core. These relationships either have a wide range of highs and lows, or a flatline of negativity.

What we should know about mothers who dislike their daughters is that they are usually emotionally immature. These mothers may have been abused when they were younger, or often had a very unstable and maybe even violent relationship with the father of their child(ren). They may have been children of alcoholics or drug users, or they may be children of dysfunctional mothers themselves. Whatever the cause for their emotional immaturity, the result is the same: they are unable or unwilling to have a normal, loving relationship with their child.

The mother in these types of relationships will constantly sabotage the relationship. Sometimes, in these relationships there will be periods of normalcy followed by periods or an instance of drama and fighting. In this respect, the dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship is similar to an abusive romantic relationship. As in abusive romantic relationships, the abuser (mother) will use manipulative tactics to keep the victim (daughter) in their lives. An abusive episode will often be followed by attempts to fix the relationship. The abuser may be very kind and romantic during this period and offer many apologies. In the mother-daughter relationship the mother may be very nice, and might even apologize. Sometimes the calm period lasts just a few days, other times it can last for months or even years. Regardless of how long the calm lasts, one thing is for certain-drama will come again!

The ups and downs are not characteristic of all dysfunctional relationships. In some mother-daughter relationships the issues are always present, and the drama and negativity persists year round. Whereas the mother in the up and down relationship may use tactics such as covert manipulation and emotional games, the mother in a flatline negative relationship is overt with her tactics, using intimidation, outright verbal and physical abuse, and domination to subdue her child. The up and down relationship is more common.

So we have all the psychology-jargon, but what does this mean for you? Understanding the reasons why a mother would dislike her child is a small comfort for the daughter who is suffering under the weight of feeling unloved. How does this daughter come to accept the reality of her situation? It takes a long, long time. As daughters we try to rationalize the behavior of our mothers, we make excuses for her behavior, and at times we blame ourselves. We suck up to her, minimize the way we feel, and bury our feelings. We look for mothers in our romantic relationships, often replaying the dysfunctional dynamic. We cry, we suffer, and yet we never truly understand why our relationships are the way they are, or what we can do about it.

Perhaps you are not fully convinced that you are in a dysfunctional relationship with your mother. In future discussions I want to talk a little about my relationship with my mother, and perhaps share the stories of other daughters who are dealing with this. Maybe in our stories you will see a reflection of your own relationship, and maybe, just maybe you can learn and grow from what others have been through. As always, I look forward to hearing from those of you who are dealing with these same issues. I may seem like an expert, but I assure you I am still learning and still trying to find my own way in this sad world of being a child who is not loved.

What Type of Mother Hates Her Child?

2011-01-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

If you have had a difficult relationship with your mother you have probably asked yourself on many occasions what you are doing wrong to make your mother hate you. If you were anything like me, every time your mother did something mean to you, the first place you looked was in the mirror. Much like victims of domestic abuse, daughters of hateful mothers often think that if they can just modify their behavior it will make the relationship in question better. It is wholly unbelievable, both to the daughter and to most of the world, that a mother could despise a daughter so much that she would treat her terribly. Thus, when a relationship between a mother and daughter goes awry, it is always the natural inclination to assume that the daughter has done something to deserve it.

Daughters are not devoid of responsibility when a relationship with their mother goes astray, and in future posts we will investigate exactly what it is a daughter does (or doesn't do) to enable this type of relationship. For now, let us stay focused on the mother. What type of mother, exactly, despises her daughter. The answer is a complex one, one that is hard to grasp by most. Obviously, not all mothers who dislike their daughters can be lumped into one category. Their are many reasons and many underlying issues involved when a mother makes a choice to have a dysfunctional relationship with her daughter. Regardless of what the causes are, the results are usually the same.

The Unfulfilled Mother

The unfulfilled mother is usually the mother whose dreams never came to fruition, usually because she got married and had children. Normally, this mother is a stay-at-home mother or one who is unhappily employed. Although this mother may have been loving in the beginning, as time goes by and she fully realizes how her aspirations have been grounded, her love turns to resentment toward the child or children who stood in the way of her dreams.

The Competitive Mother
This one is self explanatory. This mother sees her daughter as competition. Usually, the daughter is seen as competition for the attention of the father or other male figure, but she might also be seen as competition for material resources, or the attention of others besides the father. This mother usually tries to downplay the accomplishments of the daughter and might belittle her child in front of others in an attempt to break the child's self esteem and make the mother look better.

The Controlling Mother

The name says it all. This mother feels out of control in other areas of her life and so gets a sense of control by controlling others. Feeling out of control in her own life may stem from issues in her own childhood, but in any event the only way she feels in control is if people do things her way. Controlling people can stem to many areas of her life and it would not be unusual if she tries to control her husband, and friends. Feeling out of control has little to do with her job and more with other situations that have affected her.

Jealous/Vengeful Mother

The jealous mother may also be the unfulfilled mother, but not necessarily so. If the father shows his beautiful new baby girl loads of attention and ignores her mother, it is easy to see why the mother would become jealous of the daughter. The daughter has beauty and youth and the ability to capture the attention of daddy and just about every one else. Thus, her mother becomes jealous because the daughter does what she cannot do.

We must remember that these mothers can display traits that are interchangeable. We also have to remember that why a mother dislikes her daughter is so complex that simply dumping her into one of four categories will never do the situation justice. In any event, these meager categories are created to give a general overview to why mothers behave the way they do.

Mommy Dearest

2010-12-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect person. As children, our parents and especially our mothers, are our everything. They are God in the flesh to us. We have no cognition that they can do wrong or that they are less than perfect. As we get older and the veil is lifted we are often surprised and maybe slightly distraught that this person we saw as perfect is actually only human. With maturity we are able to reconcile the fact that although they are not perfect the love and nurturing they show us is more than enough. We no longer want or expect perfection, we accept her with all her flaws and love her just the same.

What happens, however, when we are not given the chance to reconcile our expectations of perfection with the reality of humanness because our mother constantly keeps the flame of disappointment alive? In other words, how can we grow to have a normal, adult relationship of mutual respect, admiration, and love with out mothers if she constantly does things which are detrimental to the mother-daughter relationship? The answer is that it is impossible to have this type of relationship with a mother who has no desire to build a healthy relationship with her daughter. The relationship that is not built on mutual respect will be fickle and unrewarding.

So what type of mother chooses to sabotage her relationship with her child? We will get to that in the future, but first let us talk about you. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? Is it complicated? Too complicated to even put into words? If so, you are not alone. There are many daughters who have trouble navigating the relationship with their mothers for various reasons. Sometimes daughters are the instigators of issues that arise between themselves and their mothers, but often it is the parent, the mother who is the major cause of friction. Why? Because some mothers do not like their daughters. Yes, there are mothers who, for whatever reason, do not like their daughters. How can you tell if your mother does not like you? I will give you some pointers, but first let me stress that this is not about vilifying mothers while making daughters look like innocent victims. To the contrary. In any dysfunctional relationship there are at least two people partly responsible, and daughters play a part in sustaining the dysfunctional dynamic.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to determine if your mother dislikes you:

1) Does my mother constantly undermine my attempts to be successful?
2) Does it feel like I can never do anything right in my mother's eyes?
3) Am I constantly bending over backwards to please her?
4) Does my mother talk about me behind my back or try to turn my siblings against me?
5) Does my mother send me mixed signals, one minute she loves me the next she is angry with me?
6) Does my mother blame me for everything that goes wrong?
7) Does my mother attack my physical looks or make snide or sideways comments about my physical appearance?
8) Does she call me names?
9) Does she accuse my father of loving me more than her, or of taking my side?
10) Does she try to steal my shine? Does she take the credit for things I do?
11) Does my mother try to make me feel guilty if I don't do things her way? Does she lay the guilt trip on me?
12) Does my mother accuse me of of not caring about her or ignoring her?
13) Do I feel like my life revolves around making my mother happy?
14) Does she undermine your authority with your children" (i.e. gifting child with cell phone when you have made it clear you do not want your child with a cell phone)
15) Does she embarrass you in front of other people?
16) Does she threaten physical harm to me if I do something she doesn't like?

How you answer the above questions will give you a better understanding of how your mother feels about you. When using the word dislike here, remember that the word can be used interchangeably with the word "ambivalent", and/or "jealous". Think about the above questions and your answers to them. These questions are a good starting point for further conversation on the matter. Do feel free to let us know your story or to ask questions here. Further information and discussion will be forthcoming.

When Mother's Hate Their Daughters

2010-12-16T19:34:00.000-08:00

Hello all. I am so glad you have stumbled across my blog. If you are here because you did an internet search, you are in the right spot. Here you will get answers to your questions and assurance that you are not imagining things. Here you will receive confirmation that it is possible, and not all that rare, for mothers to dislike their daughters. I decided to write this blog because I write for associated content. On that site I have several articles dealing with the issue of mother and daughter relationships, and those articles have proven to get the most traffic and commentary. Based on the comments I received I realized this is an issue that simply cannot be ignored. What prompted me to write the articles for associated content in the first place is that I was doing internet searches myself, trying to get information about my relationship with my mother. I kept hitting a brick wall. It was then I realized there must be hundreds, if not thousands, of other daughters out there looking for answers to their questions.

Let me first clarify one thing. The word "hate" used in the blog title is strictly for the shock factor (and because it is easier to write than dislike). It is very rare for the mother to actually hate the child. A more appropriate word would be dislike or ambivalence. In any event I will use the words interchangeably to describe how the mother feels toward the child. I also want to clarify that mothers may also dislike their sons. For this blog I will focus, in most cases on the mothers relationship with her teen or adult daughter. I find that the relationship between mother and daughter is often very complex. When a mother dislikes a son, she usually just dislikes him because he is who he is. When a mother dislikes her daughter there are so many other factors that come into play, primarily the issue of jealousy which we will talk about in future posts.

Perhaps you have come here because your mother acts strange. Maybe you are trying to find out if her behavior is normal, or maybe you are trying to figure out if you have done something to provoke the way your mother treats you. I do not know the specifics of your situation, and I would like to caution you not to jump to conclusions. All people in all relationships have disagreements. In a perfect world people would act the way we want them to act, and do the things we want them to do. In a perfect world there would be no such thing as different communication styles and misunderstandings. Unfortunately, communication differences and misunderstandings are a part of relationships. No one is exempt from having bumps in the road. Perhaps after following this blog you will learn that what you are experiencing with your mother is actually quite normal. You may however, find that you are in a distinct group of women who have a mother who dislikes them. If you find that you are one of those women in the latter group, be encouraged. This blog will give you insight and coping mechanisms. I will help you navigate your relationships and perhaps come to a resolution. In the meantime, do take time to read my articles on associated content. These articles will give you a good foundation and some great information on your relationship with your mother.

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