Have Fun With English

Beer Troubleshooting

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 23:30:00 +0000

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to WC, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Stick head out of window.

And the Oscar goes to .....

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 17:01:00 +0000

The leaf.

Life Before the Computer

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 23:30:00 +0000

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to garbage.
If you unzipped anything in public, it was jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to a fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
A backup happened to your loo.
Cut was something you did with a knife.
Paste was something you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead!

Anonymous

Everything's Amazing but Nobody's Happy

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 23:30:00 +0000

Cricket Explained

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 23:30:00 +0000

If you want to know how cricket is really played, here are a couple of useful links:-

Cricket

A-Z of cricketing terms

The International Cricket Council

Nicholas Cage - The real man inside - literally

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Squirrel

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 23:30:00 +0000

The Only Way is Wessex

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:20:00 +0000

Thomas Hardy in the style of "The only way is Essex". Getting a lot of grief from internet savvy critics, but I love it.

Have fun with subtitles

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 23:30:00 +0000

Subtitling TV programmes has become the norm in the UK. It is a boon for deaf people, and a great source of amusement for others, because they often get it wrong - very wrong. Here are some of my favourites:-

During the Queen Mother's funeral subtitles called for 'a moment's violence', instead of 'a moment's silence'.

A visit by the Archbishop of Canterbury was announced as a visit by the 'Arch bitch of Canterbury'.

Computer-generated subtitles branded the Labour leader 'Ed Miliband' as 'Ed Miller Band'.

The phrase 'principally chemical and biological weapons' was shown as 'The Prince of Chemical and Bionicle Weapons'.

Subtitles called Italian prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, 'Mr Beryl Beryl'

'Millions of puppies' were sold for Remembrance Sunday last year, instead of 'millions of poppies'.

And my personal favourite, which caused a bit of a stir:-

... pigs 'love to nibble anything that comes into the shed, like our willies,' the person talking had said wellies.

Beauty is only a few pixels deep

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:08:00 +0000

Thanks to Layla

Valentine's Day Memories - Some swearing

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:19:00 +0000

Well - one swear word actually, but some great words to describe disagreements. See if you can spot them all.

Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:30:00 +0000

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." Henry Kissinger

"Love is being stupid together." Paul Valery

"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia." Judith Viorst

"Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch." Cathy Carlyle

"Falling in love is so hard on the knees." Aerosmith

"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." Rose Franken

"Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, - but not for love." William Shakespeare

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon." Anonymous

"Like I've always said, love wouldn't be blind if the braille weren't so damned much fun." Armistead Maupin

"What the world really needs is more love and less paper work." Pearl Bailey

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." Erich Segal

"Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker." Anonymous

"Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is." Anonymous

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" Anonymous

Valentine's Day in the UK

If ....

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 23:01:00 +0000

If it's there and you can see it — it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it — it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it — it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it — you erased it !

The Moon on a Stick

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 20:12:00 +0000

Is your computer this cluttered?

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 07:41:00 +0000

Girls and Boys

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:30:00 +0000

Boy: Hi.
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm rich.
Girl: Oh, hi! I'm fine thanks. How are you?
Boy: No, I'm Rich. Rich is my name.
Girl: I don't talk to boys.

Left or right - who's right?

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 12:36:00 +0000

Don't be afraid of numbers

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:53:00 +0000

Advice on how to be happy (a few rude words)

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:30:00 +0000

Don't worry be happy. (Now why didn't I think of that?)

The English Should be Ashamed of Themselves

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:44:00 +0000

I have to agree. See if you can hear all the great musicians and groups in this clip:-

Final Exam

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:30:00 +0000

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Computer Science
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Electrical Engineering
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Mechanical Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Civil Engineering
This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Chemistry
You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Mathematics
Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Religion
Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Metaphysics
Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Art
Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the universe, and give three examples.

How to be polite in German

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:12:00 +0000

My favourite bit?

‎"And you will spend the next 40 years, sharing an office with her, and still be calling her Frau Meyer."

Thanks to Abraxas

Oh the places you'll go

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:42:00 +0000

A letter to the passport office - Parental Advisory

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 23:30:00 +0000

This apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office (edited a bit to make it more SFW, but there are still some swear words in it):-

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the British Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For [goodness sake], do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-[ruddy]-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologise. I'm really hacked off this morning. Between you and I, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my [ruddy] address!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for [goodness] sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of this poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture. You know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (bureaucratic morons). Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN GERMANY!

Thanks to James

Bribery and Corruption

YourTeacherLE@hotmail.com (Your Teacher) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:03:00 +0000

It's perfectly alright, as long as nobody knows.