Hayduke's Cubicle

Ring Ring, it's opportunity calling

2011-04-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

Easter came and went, I must say I miss it already. What I don't miss is monday mornings...and I especially don't miss you in the cube next to me calling all your "homies" and giggling as you recount and replay every moment from your weekend.

I couldn't keep you from calling out, but I could tie up your phone line so you couldn't use it any more. I found some pictures of inflatable easter bunnies and posted this craigslist ad..and I listed your phone number. Almost immediately after I loaded it your phone began to ring.

I'm still not interested in your TripIt updates on LinkedIn

2011-04-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

I don't care how many miles you've travelled or what city you're going to be in. What's really starting to piss me off is when you say things like:

* "Another week in the iron bird!"
* "Back on the skyhorse again this morning. RDU-DET-SFO for a big week at !@#!@#!@"
* "Literally riding high in the sky ATL-RDU after finishing the quarter in big fashion. Rock the Clouds!! "

Are you looking for some sort of recognition for doing something that almost anyone can do and everyone has done?

Maybe you should start posting things like:
* "Ate lunch at a restaurant today, another cobb salad and that makes 3 lean green meals this week!!!"
* "Dropped some serious wolf bait on the smasher and used the handicap stall! So much room in there! Kaaaa Ching!"
* "Spent 3 hours on the Tin Can talking up a storm, need a glass of H2O!!!"

You're a grown man, stop texting me

2011-04-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal assclown, if you're over 18 and or you have a job making more than $5 an hour you probably shouldn't have an extensive working vocabulary of things like: LOL LMAO BFF OMG and IASU (I'm a sneaky uncle).

Got an idea or a work related thought? Send me an email or pickup the fucking phone and call me. Everytime I get a text message from you I throw up a little in my mouth.

I found a use for your LinkedIn profile picture

2010-09-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

I really hate how you keep updating your LinkedIn profile picture. When you posted the most recent photo where you seemed to be uber-cool it really pissed me off. Do you really think more people will be interested in your profile if you put a shitty mug shot of yourself up there? As I was using the facilities, it came to me. If i could find a way to urinate on your photo...and get others to do it, how funny would that be.

I searched and found this customizable urinal cake kit. I simply put your photo in the middle, and plopped it into the urinal on the 3rd floor mens room. The great thing is that since so many people have pee'd on it, noone wants to remove it. There was actually a line out the door this afternoon.

It's not your TV..it's mine!

2010-09-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I purchased the Super Mini TV Universal remote for a meager $2.17. I must tell you, for the value this thing is off the charts. What's so great about this device? You can control ANY TV...channel and volume.

Simply drop the battery into it, slip it into your pocket and you're in business. If you within 15 feet of any television (your house, the bar, your neighbors) simply depress the mute button for 30 seconds. The TV will show mute and you've got control.

Kids try and watch Spongebob BAM, not today ankle biters. Wife wants to watch HGTV...POW, not today sweetie. At the bar and some assclown yankee's fan want to watch the evil empire? WHAMMO... not today. At your neighbor's house listening to them brag about their $4000 new plasma SHAZZAM ...watch him go apeshit as you change the channels and volumes and he's watching static...it's orgasmic.

Take back the power and put it where it belongs, ruin someone's TV experience or just enhance yours.

Why are you in the vegatable aisle at walmart?

2010-09-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hello there fellow late night walmart patron. I have many questions for you. Did you steal the drapes from a motel and make that wonderful shirt? Does it have an apron or something on the front? Are you a man or a woman? Is your name Terry/Pat/Chris? Is that lex luthor you're meeting with? Is he going to let you join the legion of doom? You look like you don't miss too many meals, why are in the in the vegatable aisle at walmart? Aren't the frozen pastries one aisle over? Note to self: no more late night walmart trips when you are hungry and angry.

The Elevapor - A dutch oven in motion.

2010-08-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stepped into an elevator, only to find it filled with noxious human flatulence? Someone just dropped wolf bait in an enclosed space and there's no hiding from it. You've just encountered an ELEVAPOR.

An elevapor is a fart that has been released into an elevator. It's close cousin is the DUTCH OVEN, except that you put it in motion and take it to the next level. The Elevaporist then moves out of the elevator and sends the silent, invisible treat on it's way to find a victim. The elite elevaporist tries to find an intended victim and will drop an elevapor and then send it to a specific floor. Once I worked in a building that had a glass elevator in the atrium, it went up 4 floors. A few of us would enjoy eating lunch in the atrium and firing off elevapors because we could see the faces of the targets.

An Elevapor can generate several outcomes, the best is when an unexpected victim gets on..a person that has to ride the elevator. They have no choice, they're trying to fight out the smell...and then it stops on another floor and someone else gets one. Now the first rider is clearly to blame for the smell. They can't deny it (too obvious) so they try to ignore it.

Be careful, getting caught dropping an elevapor is not something you want. It's a fine art to hold the elevapor until the last right second, walking out as the doors are closing, making sure no one is around, then ripping it. Also, some Elevaporist have been know to have sharted.

It's possible to simulate an elevapor using LIQUID ASS. It's a good product for the beginning elevaporist.

Email Spoof Kit of the Week - Join us in the breakroom for cupcakes!

2010-08-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't like an office birthday celebration? Who doesn't like a cupcake tree? Who likes to see the "thundering herd" accounting people move faster than gazelles at the thought of free cake...and isn't Friday a perfect day for all of this?

Your target here is basically planning a birthday party for a coworker...that won't happen.

The first thing you do is take the attached photo, right click on it and select "Save Target As" and save it somewhere...preferably an untraceable USB drive. Next you'll need to go to the FREE STUFF section of my website site and click on the email spoofer. Once the spoofer opens, you will see several fields. In the "From Name" field put your target's name (John Doe). In the "From Email" field then put your target's email address (john.doe@somecompany.com). In the "To" field, put your target's email addresses. It's a good idea for this one to include a few people and preferably the accounting department. In the "Subject" line put " BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION - Join us in the breakroom for cupcakes!!! ". It's a good idea to add a "BCC" email address, and it's a good idea to use one that is anonymous that you have access to...not your work email. For the attachment, attach the photo you've download.
Now for the best part. In the text section copy and paste the following:
--------------------
"We're celebrating (INSERT SOMEONE'S NAME HERE) birthday so at 1pm swing by the breakroom and pickup a cupcake from our CHUZZLE CUPCAKE TREE! Aren't birthday cakes so cliche and isn't this adorable?! C U there!

signed

(YOUR TARGET'S NAME and email signature)"
---------------------
Press the send button and be prepared to duck..fat people love sweets so do not come between one of them and the breakroom.

FAQ:
* Is this traceable? Not really, it will be traced back to the email spoofer which is someone in eastern europe and they don't speak english. If you access the spoofer from your work computer, it's conceivable they could trace it to you. use the library or your home computer. That said, it's not a good idea to threaten or send something to over the top. Keep it light and leave room for imaginations..
* Why do I have to put in a screen captcha? This is to prevent automated spoofing from other machines.

Stop using speakerphone in your cube

2010-08-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Speakerphone use in a cubicle should basically be outlawed.
Sometimes people just won't stop, so here are some behavioral modification techniques you can use:

* You can feel free to print off the attached picture and attach it to their phone.

* I've found that tossing loose change at the target cubicle usually works. The problem with this technique is you may get caught.

* It's not anonymous but "Uncomfortable man touching" works well. It's hard to concentrate when another man is letting his meat paws rest uncomfortably on your shoulders.
* $4.99 will get you a small bottle of fox urine or a bottle of liquidAss , be careful handling the stuff but it works best if you put a few drops on the handset of the offender, or even some of the keys on the phone. The result is your target's hands and fingers will have a distinct urine smell to them.

* You can use a remote controlled fart machine to generate noises when they are on the call. I recommend the bear which works great for a female target's cube or the standard remote controlled fart machine. In either case position the device near the phone and crank up the volume.

I like to follow up these techniques with a good email to remind the target to STFU and use their inside voice...I recommend you use the spoofer. Good luck.

The Black Johnson

2010-08-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

The Black Johnson is the perfect revenge for those that spend too much time in the breakroom. I personally will be setting one down tomorrow to make up for the crappy Monday I just had. It makes the room unusable and in most cases permeates an entire floor. All you need is a banana and a microwave (if you work for a cheap ass company that doesn't have a microwave you should probably be looking for another job anyway) Simply take the banana and put it in the microwave and set the timer for atleast 10 minutes on high.

Within 7 minutes, the golden banana will transform into a long black phalic mass...and it will smell like a yeti's ball sack. Around 9 minutes the microwave will be belching smoke.

Make sure you can get away, sometimes I like to leave a post it note that says "Warming up my snack, I'll be back in a minute...PLEASE DO NOT INTERUPT"

The end result is of course...the black johnson. If you want to add a twist, put two russet potatoes at the bottom of the banana, you get the idea.

Here's a good video on the subject

Email Spoof Kit of the Week - Do you mind watching my cat?

2010-08-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

This email spoof kit is guaranteed to get some office chatter going. The first thing you do is take the attached photo, right click on it and select "Save Target As" and save it somewhere...preferably an untraceable USB drive. Next you'll need to go to the FREE STUFF section of my website site and click on the email spoofer. Once the spoofer opens, you will see several fields. In the "From Name" field put in the name of the your target (this is the person you want to embarrass) and this should be something like "John Doe" or however it appears on your targets email signature. In the "From Email" field then put in your target's email address (something like john.doe@company.com). In the "To" field, put a person that you know and the target knows, most likely someone that has a big mouth...you'll need to put their email address. In the "Subject" line put "I have a favor to ask you". It's a good idea to add a "BCC" email address, and it's a good idea to use one that is anonymous that you have access to...not your work email. For the attachment, attach the photo you've download.

Now for the best part. In the text section copy and paste the following:

"Hey I'm headed out of town this weekend and wanted to know if you could watch my cat? Her name is Mrs. Kennsington and she really isn't a lot of trouble. She LOVES, ABSOLUTELY LOVES to take baths though. Let me know" At this point you should cut and paste your targets email signature.

FAQ:

* Is this traceable? Not really, it will be traced back to the email spoofer which is someone in eastern europe and they don't speak english. If you access the spoofer from your work computer, it's conceivable they could trace it to you. use the library or your home computer. That said, it's not a good idea to threaten or send something to over the top. Keep it light and leave room for imaginations...

* Why do I have to put in a screen captcha? This is to prevent automated spoofing from other machines.

* What typically happens? The first response will be that someone will think their email has been hacked. Keep a low profile and try not to laugh too hard.

WTF Noises for everyday cubicle humor

2010-08-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

For the more adventurous cube dweller, the proper use of sound effects can really spice up the office environment. Clearly this requires a little more savvy and some practice. I have found that introducing strange sounds onto a conference call always shakes things up. I've also found that getting them to go off on coworkes computer is outstanding. Use them sparingly and over time.

Link The Alec Baldwind SoundBoard - a little over the top but nonetheless very effective. Interjecting Glen Gary Glen Ross soundbites on a multiperson conference call is priceless.

Audience sounds Soundboard - this is a great one, especially the yawning/choking/sneezing and throat clearing ones. I also appreciate that these are broken down by gender, and will help in disguising the source.

Fart sounds - sophomoric, and has great uses beyond the conference call. Farts are always funny.

Alarms and whistles - This one is great for simulating an office fire alarm. It also works well if activated from a coworkers machine.

Phone Sounds - This one has all sorts of uses. For instance, use the "Phone Calling Tone" to simulate someone dialing a number on speakerphone.

Ring the bell - winner winner chikin dinner!

2010-08-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Recently I took a walkabout and happened upon a conversation. As I tried to get outside, a few chubby smoker's from the 7th floor cut me off in their haste to get outside and choke down a cancer stick. I was fortunate enough to overhear their conversation.

The first one said, "That damn elevator makes so much noise I can't think!"...or something like that. It was hard to understand the rest of it because I don't speak FATMORON very well. I did get a fantastic idea from it though. So now everytime I ride up in the elevator to my office on the 20th floor and I pass to floor 7 (which is your floor fatso!)...I press the alarm button. Only for a few seconds. I know it's bothering you. I picture you at your desk with your pudgy fingers typing away only to be startled by the annoying elevator buzzer. I could hardly contain my enthusiasm as I walked in today when you and your supervisor were talking to building management about the "faulty elevator button", later that day I saw a technician working on it...it made me giggle.

So now I am the Elevator Alarm Button Bandit and you will never catch me! If you haven't pressed the elevator alarm button, you totally should. It's liberating and you know you want to push it...

"Snoggle Britches" is always funny

2010-07-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

There's a fine art to email spoofing, for those that don't know it's creating an email with a "From" address and profile of your choosing. For instance you could send an email to your boss from myass@yourface.com.

While there are several methods for doing this, including a few shortcuts in outlook, the trick is to make sure it's not going to be traced and get back to you. I've found a great spoofer here.

I sent this email between two coworkers. Milton is a younger male dipshit, Carl is an older dipshit. Both are pretty dumb and very homophobic. After Milton got the email, he thought perhaps Carl was "making a pass at him". I was kind of hoping they would get in a fight. Carl (with his breath tinged with cheap gin) launched into a tirade and demanded that HR launch an investigation into how his email was hacked. The best part was seeing the emails flying around between HR and IT using the word "Snoggle Britches". The original email read like this:

-----Original Message-----

From: DipShit 2 (Carl)
To: DipShit 1 (Milton)
Subject: question

Milton,

I think it's time we got together after work for a drink or meal. I've got some good ideas and need a man that knows how to get things done.

Want to sneak out early with me?

Carl

Ps: You can call me snoggle britches ;)

Thanks for wearing too much hand lotion

2010-06-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks cheesy sales guy for wearing way too much hand lotion. It has the effect of creeping me out on a number of levels. Why do you think you need smooth hands? What else are you doing with the lotion?

I also like your fake tan, you're the color of an oompa loompa. Are we really to believe that the cold climate where you reside has had so much sunshine that you've developed an animal like burnt sienna hue?

I'm calling offsides and giving you a 10 yard penalty for wearing too much lotion, and loss of down for the fake tan.

I'm the one who made your phone ring off the hook

2010-05-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

It's because I've been posting ads on craigslist giving away or selling things for nearly nothing and using your phone number. The ad I like the most features a "bouncy house". (to protect the stupid I have scrubbed out the phone number).

I loved hearing your phone ring and ring for 2 hours. Even when you answered you had someone calling on hold. At first you thought it was funny, but after 25 angry mom's called wanting that bounce house and your phone was rendered completely ineffective you started to get the red ass. Also, I used your Google Voice number, it was using the "find me follow me" feature to ring ALL your numbers...cell, desk, home, etc.

Technology is so wonderful don't you think? The best part is it didn't cost me a dime.

Maybe next week you can sell power tools and kids clothing. Or maybe things get a bit kinky and you'll be a woman looking for someone to take a cheetos bath with.

I think the internet is a great way for you to meet new people.

Open Letter to "angry office manager"

2010-04-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

I don't appreciate your distainful looks, or the way you try and promote what you do here as actually important or work....newsflash it's not. A monkey or a child under 6 could do your fucking job. I can appreciate how hard it is to: refill the candy bowl, answer a phone, play solitaire, watch people sign in and out, think about eating fatty foods. I'm not sure who you had to dry hump to get this job, but whatever they pay you is too much. Most people in your position are friendly and courteous, you are neither and also angry and dumb. A monkey or child would also be better because you could play catch with them, your club fingers, hooves and lack of an opposible thumb make you unable to play catch.

Today when you said, "Taking a little too long for lunch these day's aren't you?" It was the last straw.

Here are the steps I've taken:
1) I've encouraged everyone to use the hand gel on your desk and say "It's puts the lotion on it's skin". We've been doing it for a whole week.

2) Every day when you're not around, I spritz a little bit of concentrated fox urine onto the dirt in your office plant. It's the one in the sunshine, so each afternoon it's the reason your workspace is starting to smell like a '"rest-area men's room".

I'd love to help you but I can't..I'm wearing "Hulk Hands" all day

2010-04-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks for stopping by my cube this morning. It was thoughtful of you to ask how I was coming on that powerpoint. Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to help you today, I'm wearing Hulk Hands.

I know, it seems childish and strange..but do you know if you beat them together they make a crashing noise? It seems like I'm channeling Hulk. POP. BLAM. WHACK. What's that? No I didn't hit you, my inner Hulk hit you. Be a good fellow and fetch me a coffee please. Dont be shy about the additives...I prefer liquid creamer and real sugar, and bring a straw.

Am I wearing them to the meeting today? Of course, why wouldn't I? I can't take them off....GRRRRRRR (start humming theme song to original hulk show).

HULK WANT COFFEE NOW. WHACK. BLAMO. POP. POP. HULK HIT YOU UNTIL YOU DO WHAT HULK SAY.

GET HULK COFFEE NOW!

HULK SORRY....COME GET HULK HUG.

AAAAAAAAAAH HULK KIDDING POP POP POP WHACK!

More mulitmedia Hulk Hands content - CAUTION THE MORE YOU WATCH HULK HANDS IN ACTION THE MORE YOU WILL WANT THEM.
Step Brothers Hulk Hands Scene

Grown man buys hulk hands at Target

Put these pitches in your bag - uncomfortable man touching

2010-04-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I like to run through a series of uncomfortable man touching on a particular male coworker. Just like working a batter in a late inning major league game there is an art to it. Focus on the progression and take your time. The effects are great, and 99% of the time he won't say anything but will be completely creeped out.

The Lingering Hand: Here's the setup: make sure your mark is sitting down facing away. Slide in behind them and let your hand linger rest on the should while you talk to him. It needs a good 5-10 seconds there. If he looks up, act like you don't notice (count to 3 mississippi). Over the course of 2 days, try to work this one in.

Thumb wiggle: It's the same setup as the lingering hand, however exponentially more creepy. While the hand rests on the shoulder or just below and behind the shoulder simply take your thumb and slide it slowly out and back in. Not too slow, not too fast...even tempo and you may need to repeat it. If done correctly you can actually see the goosebumps appear on his neck and he will shiver.

Extra long handshake: Simple and effective, hold the target's hand for a 2 count. I've found that once it gets strange, a "knowing nod" from you to him (make sure you stare into his eyes and no giggling) really enhances the effect.

These three effects are great and in most cases can have the desired effect. Sometimes you have to push things, here is the series of advanced moves. CAUTION - you should only attempt these once you've mastered the first three.

Handshake shakeoff and Pre-emptive Hug: As the target moves to give you a fist pump or high five, you shake it off and pull him in for a hug. It's important to say something concise like "Get in here and let the big bear get his paws on you."

Tight Hug with hand waggle: Once you've got the target in a hug position, slide the hand on his back slowly up and down. Use your free hand to hold him close to your stomach (note: make sure it's the stomach's touching...yikes).

Tight Hug with Ear Whisper: This one is really really advanced. Keep the tight hug position, lean in close to his ear and whisper any of the following: "shhhhhh", "nice", "thats it, thats it". If done correctly you can do this one in front of others...only he will hear your whisper.

Tight Hug with Kiss on the cheek: Make sure noone is around and you can pull it off with no giggling.

Meet the Consultants - We are here to help!

2010-04-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

What follows is an excerpt from an actual "EVERYONE" email. Names are changed to protect the stupid.

Attention employees

From: The High Command

Re: Executive Committee of Dumb Inc.

It is the desire of the Board, its Executive Committee and Consultants to work hand-in-hand with the management team to achieve growth and profitability

We are here to help. There is no and can be no other agenda. Let’s all bend our backs to the effort and row the boat in unison. Thank you for your continued teamwork!

Meet Larry and Gary - the Bob's

A few observations:

WTF is the word "Consultants" capitalized?
Hand in hand? are we going to sing songs?
You want growth and profitability? That is so unique, original, AND inspiring
Do all consultants travel in pairs and have catchy names?
We are here to help - LMAO these guys are older than baseball and smell like pomade
The rowing analogy makes me think we're slaves, chained to our seats on a roman warship. Considering their ages the probably did fight in the Punic Wars.

More to follow...

I'm the one who crop dusted your cube all week

2010-04-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Hey Phil. This past week I've made a concerted effort to crop dust your workspace EVERY time I can. My plan started slow, but I was consistent. I also ate a variety of different things (like green apples and cauliflower).

For those that don't know, crop dusting is farting while walking or running. There's a fine art to it and it really comes down to timing. You've got the initial burst (which can be noisy) and then dusting the fumes across the target area. It's important to make sure you don't get blamed. It won't work with a tailwind, or on a treadmill but it works very well in the workspace (just be mindful of the ventilation).

So Phil, I made sure you were at your cube and I'd walk by and stretch one out in front of your cube. I would then move to the end of the row, and watch people walk by and give you the stink eye. For maximum impact I also posted a note in the breakroom that said "Phil's cube smells like wolf bait" Karen from finance said "There is something very very wrong with Phil...very wrong". Brad from IT texted, "WTF - Phil is ripe" (I'm pretty sure he's been tweeting about you as well). As an FYI, I overheard you talking about getting an air freshener and that only makes you more guilty and makes your cube smell like ocean breeze mixed with poo.

Thank you for hiring a midget

2010-04-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought monday couldn't get any worse, I went out to eat at Noodles and Co for lunch. You can't imagine how my whole day turned around when I saw the midget behind the counter working on MY order! It was wonderful and intriguing at the same time.

I love midgets. They're kind of like leprechauns (close cousins I think) but without the harsh irish brogue and magical powers.

My favorite part was watching her push the stool over so she could sprinkle my penne rosa with extra spinach. It was so great, the food, the helpful employees and the midget.

Thank you Noodles and hats off to you for making this monday special.

I'm the one who turned out the lights

2010-04-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

Hey Phil, remember the other day when I asked you like 20 times to keep it down on the phone. You were telling that story (for the fifth time) about how you have really embraced the "green movement" even though you drive a fucking SUV 70 miles roundtrip to work each day.

So, when you went to the bathroom...I followed you. You sat in the handicap stall - like you always do. I waited until you were in full motion making poo...and I turned out the lights. I must confess, I didn't leave right away. I stayed there and listened to you "Dude, hey..someone is in here" and "Hello? seriously fella I'm in a bit of a jam over here." I made a snickering noise and left, and as I left I posted an "OUT OF ORDER" sign on the outside. You were in there for 30 minutes screaming, your pants at your ankles...smelling your own cooking. I know this because when you returned to your cube, you called 10 people and told the same story...you seemed a bit disheveled.

I'm going to do that to you again, and this time the janitor will not save you.

This is Phil my coworker, I hate him.

2010-04-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

Phil is my coworker. He's the loud guy that sits in the cubicle next to me and has for almost 2 years now. More or less everything Phil does annoys me, so I try and find ways to annoy him. For the past 2 years, I've been eating his sack lunches. It's really one of my all time favorite ways to annoy him.

I'll be logging all the things that I've done to him, and are planning on doing to him. Perhaps you will find my stories useful ;)

In the meantime, let me tell you some of the things about Phil that bother me...he takes 10 smoke breaks a day, he's a loud talker on the phone in his cube, laughs at his own jokes, microwaves fish in the breakroom sometimes, likes to over use catch phrases that are over 5 years old, keeps a lot of consumbables in his cube (medicine, juju bees, sunflower seeds) and is always asking if I want any, sometimes likes to use an english accent when he's telling jokes, loves to scuba dive (even though we don't live near water), and one time he rode a Segway and somehow works that into near every story. Trust me, you hate him.

Yes, I've been eating your sack lunch

2010-04-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

It's true, every day that you bring your lunch...it makes me happy. I like to watch you write "DO NOT TOUCH" on the bag, sometimes when you're really angry you put an extra post it note.

Remember when you brought that delectable turkey bacon sub sandwich and someone ate 1 bite out of each side? That was me. I did NOT like your tuna salad...or any salad sandwich you've brought for that matter...but you haven't figured that out. You keep bringing me wonderful snacks for me to nibble on.

Everytime you bring a delicious sandwich, my mouth starts to water. I murdered your roast beef hoagie, and that chicken parm sub was divine (atleast the 3 big bites I took out of it).

I don't know what makes me happier, eating part of your lunch or seeing you stomp around the office enraged. I love how red your face gets ;)

You'll never catch me, I love your food and can't stop.