He Beats Me but...

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T10:41:00.000+00:00

Merry Christmas to anyone I know and anyone who still happens to be reading this.

After i last updated to say that i had left, Frank tricked me into going home.

Needless to say I had to leave again.

I'm now in a refuge with no money, no possessions and no real opptimism. The first week i got here my purse was stolen with £300 and all my cash cards in. I was not impressed and have since been struggling.

Frank is desperately trying to convince me to go back. I'm not feeling it and just want to throw up all the time.

Fingers crossed things will work out this time if i stick it out here and hope some good fortune comes my way.

Donations for my new life are readily accepted *cheeky grin*

I Still Love You xxx

Flying Free

2006-10-07T11:02:00.000+00:00

I Left him.

I Still Love You xxx

I feel really bad

2006-05-22T13:19:00.000+00:00

In fact I feel terrible.

I'm letting myself down, my kids down and my friend down.

Everything I do is wrong.

I try to leave, I back out.

I want to leave, then I don't.

If I speak out and complain/talk about my feelings everyone tells me to leave.

If I bottle it up, because I don't want to leave, I start falling apart.

I wish someone could understand this from my side.

But yeah I feel terrible and I am sorry. I don't want to cause pain and upset for anyone.

If I could blow myself up tomorrow I would.

I Still Love You xxx

I'm Confused

2006-05-21T07:42:00.000+00:00

I tried to leave.

Monday night we agreed it was over and i felt relieved.

Tuesday morning he got up and automatically started talking like we were still together.

We rowed until i finally agreed to keep trying.

He says i need to communicate better.

I feel like everytime i try to communicate with him about anything he blows up.

He says it's because i'm so anxious and nervous around him all the time. I'm not loving him enough and not giving him what he needs.

I say i'm scared to even wake him up in the mornings. What does he expect?

He says to stop being scared.

I say I can't.

He says my anxiety stops me from going near him, so he feels unloved and behaves in this way. Then i react badly to him, try to walk away from him which is the worst thing i can do. Until i start getting out of control and acting crazy myself. Then it all goes to hell and i get hit.

I say i'm scared of him because of everything he has done. That i try my best to overcome fear and show him that i still love him. He gets angry over nothing and starts ranting at me. His ranting is threatening and aggressive, making me scared and too nervous to speak. He will keep pushing at everything bad he can say about me and my life until i get angry or really hurt and try to walk away from him. Then he starts grabbing at me or blocking my way which makes me extremely anxious.

In the end i'm screaming at him to leave me alone because i can't take it anymore and he is just pushing me and shoving me and causing me to act insane.

I Still Love You xxx

Update

2006-05-15T10:52:00.000+00:00

Frank has his 3rd session of anger management today. So far it appears to be helping. Things have definitely improved and I feel we have both made progress. I still have apprehensions about the whole situation, but I think that is to be expected at times.

I've been trying to research domestic abuse and violence but I'm already sick of reading about how these men are fucked up, wont change and that the female should just run away. I'm fairly confidant that there is another side to the story and I think it would benefit me a whole lot more to understand it.

I want to hear about men who have been the abusers. Those who either got help, walked away or were left. I want to know their stories and their side of things. I want to be able to understand Frank more and help him more. I can't hear about Frank being bad any longer. I can't hear the same old advice of "get out". I want people to listen to me when I say NO. NO he isn't a bad man. NO he doesn't mean to, or want to do these things. NO it wont suddenly make him change if I leave.

In fact I think it would do the opposite. It is his fear of being alone that makes him this way (imho). The more I manage to show him that he doesn't have to be scared; that I wont abandon him, run away from him or double cross him, the less I find myself dealing with behaviour from him that makes me scared.

NO I don't need to get out. I need to help the man I love because he is suffering more than I am.

We have both established that I am the stronger one out of the two of us. He is weak, unable to control his anger. He is becoming the man he hated.

I am the one still standing, still getting on with my life.

Like he said...I can take all that he gives out to me and still get on with my life. He can do everything he does and I can still get up everyday and make sure my kids are happy. He can't do anything but be entrapped by his own anger.

He needs love, support and help to deal with a problem he has hid from for years.

The kids need love, support and help to deal with his outbursts. They need to know that they can't take it personally. That it is daddy's problem to deal with. They already know to ignore it and to continue playing because when he calms down he loves us and is a decent loving man.

Are they scared of him? A little but do they want to leave him? NO. I asked them and they want to stay. To let him finish his course and see what happens from there. If they ever got to the point where they hated him and wanted him out of our lives. So be it.

He knows it is time to get help. For himself as much as me and the kids.

There's still tenseness and a long way to go but I do have a little more hope and that's more than I had a couple of weeks ago.

I looked up the aims and methods of the program he is on. Already I can see how it is changing the way he thinks about certain things. He told me that it useless trying to deny or fight it, that "eventually every man in that room will be broken".

I'm not sure why but I found comfort in that.

I Still Love You xxx

Court

2006-04-30T08:00:00.000+00:00

I've been released on unconditional bail,

So usual gumpf...

I have to return to court, for full trial on the 20th June. Failure to do so will result in a warrant for my arrest being issued.

Once I surrender myself to the custody of the court on the 20th, I won't be able to leave until after the trial.

If I commit any more offences before the 20th I will be sentenced more severely.

Joy!

The court has arranged that the trial will be about 2 hours long.

One of the witnesses for me is likely to be Frank.

I'm not sure that this is such a great idea.

I Still Love You xxx

I'm Here You're Not

2006-04-22T20:27:00.000+00:00

Everyone has an opinion.

Many have advice.

Only a select few have support.

It is these people that I will consider to be worth considering.

Read my words, take from them what you will.

You still wont know me or my life.

A place to rant.

Unhindered thoughts.

Not necessarily an accurate portrayal of the way things are.

Too quick to judge.

Even quicker to speak out of turn.

I play a role in this too.

Responsibilities.

To be loved.

To be needed.

I'm here you're not.

I Still Love You xxx

It's ok Again.

2006-03-10T21:34:00.000+00:00

Things are better.

I'm trying to stay positive.

Make positive changes.

Make things better.

I Still Love You xxx

I Don't Know What to Say.

2006-03-04T18:46:00.000+00:00

People obviously wonder why I stick around when Frank treats me the way he does.

I guess it's because:

Thought A - Half the time I don't know whether or not it is my fault. Do I make him like this? Do I piss him off? Am I really that bad to live with?

Thought B - Sometimes it's good and then I start convincing myself that things will get better. He will stop and learn the error of his ways. Then magically he will give me a break and I will have a chance to get myself together. (This often leads to thought A)

Thought C - I haven't got anywhere else to go and I don't want to drag the kids away from their home and school again. (This often leads to thought B)

Thought D - I'm scared of being alone. Even though he does hardly anything to help me, I am scared that I won't cope on my own. In the back of my mind I know I would and that it would probably be easier. (This leads to thought C)

Thought E - On top of the fear of being alone I am scared that he will come after me and that things will get ten times worse. He has said over and over that he would kill everyone I know. I don;t necessarily believe this but the threats do their job. (This leads to thought D)

See the pattern?

The right thing is to leave and be safe.

However to me the right thing is to also stay and try to help a man who is obviously in need.

I never know my own fucking mind anymore.

I remember talking about women in abusive relationships and how they should just leave. Now I know how hard it is to be that woman. I hate myself for wanting to leave and for wanting to stay. No matter what I do from here, someone(s) will be miserable.

...

Today he flipped on me again. I tried to walk away and just ignore it but he started throwing clothes at me. Then when I dropped them on the floor he start shaking and pushing me and smacked me across the side of my head. Later he threw a lit cigarette at me too. It got caught in my hair.

I can't be bothered to row or fight with him anymore. I told him that if he means what he has to shout about he can do it on his own. I would leave him to it and he could go on with the rest of his life without me.

I meant it too. I haven't said anything else.

After everything had happened he went back to bed. He got up around five o'clock - long enough to have a smoke and bath the baby. Now he has gone back to hiding in bed.

He can stay there.

I'm too pissed, angry and hurt myself to bother with it anymore.

If he wants to let me and the kids slip out of his life, rather than do something about his disgusting behaviour, so be it.

This needs to end.

I can't take anymore.

I Still Love You xxx

On The Up

2006-02-05T20:53:00.000+00:00

It's been a while since updated here. I suppose that is a sign that things are definitely improving.

I can't remember the last time we rowed.

I certainly can't remember the last time things got out of control.

That's a good sign.

Frank has upset me at times, hurt me emotionally and been generally nasty. However he is making more effort than ever.

He istrying to join in with family life again. He is trying to improve himself, improve his listeing skills and building his own confidence and selfworth up.

It's still hard. I'm still very worn and exhausted a lot of the time but it will all be worth it if things continue to improve and grow as they are.

I Still Love You xxx

It's Ok

2006-01-14T21:54:00.000+00:00

Things have been up and down.

Yesterday Frank actually got up first with the baby, then got the other two fed and ready. All I had to do was get out of bed at the last minute. Tie my daughters hair back and then walk them to school.

Last night, great sex, quick snack, a cuddle and sleep.

All good.

Baby woke me up at three.

Not so good.

Got back to bed about five but wasn't sleeping properly. Baby woke again at six. As I went to get him up again Frank rolled over and started snapping at me about how he was about to get up anyway.

I hadn't realised that he was awake. I swear to god he had been talking in his sleep just moments before I sat up to get out of bed.

He ordered me back to bed but proceeded to shout at me. Really nasty shouting. I ignored him. He got worse and worse and worse. He started to stomp around the bedroom. He knocked his weights, which knocked the wardrobe door (that he had previously knocked of the hinges). The door started to fall on him, which made him madder and resulted in him having a fight with said door. As he's untangled himself from that piece of wood he has started thumping the door of his wardrobe in anger. Door number two fought back too! Ha! It was kinda funny.

He then ordered me back out of bed to see to the baby and continued to stomp around the house shouting. Even going so far as to swear he was going to kill me. I ignored it all though. He got to me a bit at times and I nearly cried but I held it together. It gave him no choice but to calm down.

I fed the baby, who went back to sleep. So I went to lay down. He came up after a while and gave me a cuddle. Baby woke again at ten. Frank was sleeping too so I figured I'd just get up and leave him to calm down properly.

Now he is being very sorry (almost a first)and spoiling me with deserts, backrubs, apologies...

No real harm done and maybe, just maybe, a little lesson learnt for him.

I Still Love You xxx

Depression Beats You Down

2006-01-06T13:10:00.000+00:00

Yesterday (after yet another night of only 3-4 hours sleep) I woke up extremely depressed. As is likely to happen, I spent the early hours of the morning sitting and crying.

To make things worse I locked myself out of the house when I went to take the kids to school. Frank was still in bed and it took me an hour and a half to finally wake him up. This meant I was sitting in the freezing cold with the baby for all that time. It set off my tears again.

Frank and I ended up rowing. I don't know why. He said I was snapping at him, but I wasn't. I ended up walking out to get some space but when I returned he kicked off big time.

I tried to explain to him that it is all taking its toll on me. That his depression and anger issues are stopping me from living the life that I want to. That I am just desperate to have him around more, being the wonderful person he can be.

Things calmed down but then something (I have no idea what) started it all up again. He told me that he wanted me to stay up with him all night because he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Angrily I agreed.

We sat and watched a film. By then it was 3:30am. Something (I have no idea what) started it off again.

I haven't slept. The whole day and night were a constant up and down.

Today things are tense. He dropped me off at an appointment that I had to go to this morning then came back home and put him and the baby to bed.

I'm pissed about it but I can't be bothered to moan or get upset.

I have a bruise on my eye and under my chin (nothing huge or serious and easily hidden with a little make-up). My hips ache, my legs are crampy and I desperately need sleep.

I'm not angry with him. I haven't got the energy.

The only coping strategy I have right now is to wake him up in a bit and see if he is willing to at least pick my daughter up for me today.

Surely I am entitled to some rest and a hot bath before I'm running around doing the rest of the housework, dinner, homework, baths...

Do I wish that he had left night when he said he was going to?

No.

Am I glad he stayed?

Yes.

Do I think this will ever get sorted out?

I haven't got a clue.

Am I willing to keep trying?

Yes.

Is he a horrible, nasty, monster of a man?

No.

This is what comes of an abusive childhood. I can't help but see that he is a victim in all of this too.

His anger management is due to start in March. I'm praying it wont be delayed, but I find I'm praying because I want it for him, not me.

It's hard to see him as messed up as he is, to see the reflection of the hell he went through.

I hope for his sake he can sort this out. In a way I am the lucky one because I know and have proven to myself that I am the stronger one. At times he is in more danger from himself than I ever would be.

I Still Love You xxx

Cross Your Fingers

2005-12-29T22:10:00.000+00:00

Things have been a little tense today. I got my period and my hormones are running riot. I am in 'biting heads off' mode and have very little patience for Frank's tenseness.

So far all disasters have been successfully avoided.

I'm not so sure that I will be able to say that by the end of the next seven days.

I Still Love You xxx

O.K

2005-12-28T17:02:00.000+00:00

I don't want anyone who reads this to think that frank is a complete monster and that my life is hell. Things are extremely difficult at times but they are also particularly wonderful at other moments.

We all had a lovely Christmas, mostly due to Frank. He has more enthusiasm than I do for the whole thing.

Things are generally getting better here. Frank has had occasional out bursts but we have managed to deal with them before things have gotten insane. He hasn't hit me once since our last big fight.

We have managed to talk more and Frank has been more receptive to my thoughts on his behaviour and attitude patterns. He really has tried harder lately and life has improved.

I Still Love You xxx

I'm Lost

2005-12-04T09:50:00.000+00:00

I didn't manage to tell Frank that I was proud of him on Thursday. For my own nervous reasons I found it impossible to do. However I did manage to tell him that I had missed him while he was in bed and later that day he came and told me he was really pleased with all the effort I had been making.

Thursday night I plucked up the courage to confess about some photos he had of his ex girlfriend that were really bothering me. He was cool and fantastic about it.

Then on Friday morning he got up and started shouting. I put my arms around him and told him I didn't want to fight. We both agreed to just get on with things. Then Friday afternoon the kids first dad phoned asking if we could drop them off this weekend. That started him shouting again. I tried to keep simple by saying it was up to Frank, yes or no and that would be the end of it. He said we would take them.

When we got in the car he continued to shout at me the whole way there and the whole way back.

We calmed it down sort of when we got home then I went to bed.

Yesterday he beat crap out of me. He knocked me out and has bruised my head very very badly. I think one of my ribs may be fractured or broken and I can't breathe in very well at all. My head is still spinning in a big way and I feel constantly sick.

I tried to get him to phone my mum or anyone to help us sort this out but he wont.

Now I am back to sitting here while he is in bed wondering what on earth I should do. He says he wants to work it out. That he just needs some positivity from me but I'm lost. I haven't got a clue what I did so bad to make it escalate when I was generally trying to calm it down the whole time.

He is moaning at me for being panicked and scarred but I don't know how else to be when things like this keep happening.

I'm so confused.

I Still Love You xxx

Better

2005-12-01T10:52:00.000+00:00

Things have been a lot better this week. I have been able to go through daily life without the extra pressure of Frank's moods and uncontrollable behaviour.

I took some drastic action when we rowed last week but I think it has paid off. I'm reluctant to go into details about anything at the moment in case I manage to jinx them. All I can say for now, is that it is like living with a different man in a different household.

Frank has probation today, I am expecting him to get up in a bad mood and I am expecting him to be snappy. This alone is making me nervous so I'm sure if I carry on I will give him the impression that something is up and manage to make things uncomfortable and tense. My plan of action instead, is to let him know how proud I am of him after seeing the amount of effort he can put into our relationship and show him that he is loved as much as he is.

We'll see how that works out when he rises out of the pit.

I Still Love You xxx

Sigh

2005-11-26T08:20:00.000+00:00

Things have continued to be bad. I can't be bothered to go into details anymore.

I'm bruised, my head, neck and back hurt and my ear is cut.

We're trying to move on and work things out.

*Sigh*

I Still Love You xxx

Please No More

2005-11-20T14:53:00.000+00:00

After writing my last post, Frank got out of bed. He asked me what was wrong and I said I was fed up. That led to a huge row with all the usual shouting and nastiness. In the end I told him I wanted him to leave. That I had had enough. He packed a bag and stormed out.

His dad turned up. He had phoned him to come round and make sure I didn't leave with the baby. His dad ended up talking to him on my phone here and told him he wouldn't do that and that Frank had to start listening because if he caused me any trouble I would call the police and he could easily end up in jail.

I did speak to the police. They offered to try and get me in a refuge that night but told me if I wanted to stay in the house all I could do was phone 999 if he started on me again.

I stayed and he came back.

We tried to talk things through but we didn't get anywhere. In the end I thought he had agreed that we were separate but for now would be living together and he would be helping with the kids.

The next morning that wasn't the case and I flipped out. I never know if I am coming or going anymore and he just confuses my brain to the point of self destruction. I lost it completely and told him that I just wanted to be dead.

I do just want to be dead if this is going to keep going around and around.

I calmed down eventually.

Yesterday when he got up I made extra effort to be nice and show there were no hard feelings. We went out shopping and had a nice day.

At 4am this morning the baby woke us both up. He started shouting at me about being useless again and stormed downstairs. I followed to try and talk to him calmly but he just kept shouting. In the end he announced he was going back to bed. By then I felt like crap again and chose to sit on my own for a bit. He came back downstairs and started shouting some more.

That set me off because I was just trying to keep it calm and not get into an argument. That set him off worse until he was pulling me about as usual and that made me worse because I just wanted to get out of here again.

Now I am sitting on my own as usual, with the last things him saying to me being that he can't go on like this, that he might as well tell me to fuck off and that I'm no good to him.

Fuck knows what I am going to do.

I Still Love You xxx

Maybe I'm Having A Bad Day

2005-11-17T09:40:00.000+00:00

But...

I'm really feeling like I am going to have to leave this whole relationship behind me.

Frank shows no understanding of what he is doing here daily. I'm not even talking about him hitting me. It's the things like him lying in bed half the day and getting moody if I go out without him (because I'm wearing myself out).

I'm worn out because he is constantly this way and I have no choice but to get on with everything and try to keep life running smoothly as possible.

He says I'm not on board with him but to be truthful I can't do that while he is acting in a way that goes against the rest of the family.

I'm stuck and I'm sick of it.

I'm bored with waiting around for him to emerge; only to find he is in a bad mood and shouting at me for everything.

If I sit and take it and don't argue back I'm ignoring him and will get nastier and nastier with the things he shouts. And if I break down in tears unable to listen to anymore of it he will get madder and things escalate.

If I try and talk reasonably to him, he still continues on until he makes me angry and then things escalate.

If I argue back I'm doomed, if I stay quiet I'm doomed and there's just no talking to him until he has calmed down. He calms down in his own time and until then is constantly shouting shit in my ears.

I don't think I can take it anymore.

On top of it all the social services are now getting involved. We have to go and talk to them next week. The domestic violence unit reported the situation so now we talk to them and they decide what they are going to do.

I'm scared and I don't want to lose my kids.

I don't want to leave but it looks like I'm going to have to.

I Still Love You xxx

Still Going

2005-11-15T09:09:00.000+00:00

The rowing still continues and i can't see a way out of it. I try not to take it all personally and i try to figure out how to stop it from going on forever.

No luck so far.

He says it's up to me and that i am running out of time. As much as it hurts to think it could all end for the two of us; a small part of me welcomes it. I don't know what to do anymore and i am all out of ideas.

I Still Love You xxx

The Magician

2005-11-13T12:38:00.000+00:00

I ruined last night and therefore the whole day yesterday by not having the confidence to talk to Frank about certain things.

I'm sorry and I feel awful. All that I can say is that none of this is easy for me and that I am trying my best to be the person he wants me to be. The person I should be...I guess.

We haven't exactly rowed so that's good. He hasn't hit me which is even better. He did shout some nasty things again and by accident he caught me twice across both kidneys. My back really hurts now and I feel sick.

Understandably he feels let down. He has gone back to bed and now it's my job to look after the three oompa loompas.

I wish I could sleep forever.

I'm sorry.
I Still Love You xxx

Stepping Along

2005-11-12T22:25:00.000+00:00

Yesterday wasn't a very good day.

Today was.

My nephew's birthday and we all went for a meal. I had a really good time and was overwhelmed by all the compliments I got about how well I am looking in general these days, and how pretty I looked today. My mother even said I was looking more like the old me. The old me that no one has seen for many many years.

That's a good thing. I used to be a happy person and I used to be comfortable with my life. I want to be that person again.

I like people seeing me and Frank together. I like people seeing how much I do love him and how much he loves me. It's all good when it's good and in a way he is a person that I want to show off.

I hope things manage to get better for ever.

I hope we can work all of this out for ever.

I Still Love You xxx

The Fool

2005-11-10T21:33:00.000+00:00

In June 2004 I left my husband for another man. I didn't intend for things to happen that way and I wasn't having an affair before hand but that's what happened.

As scared as I was about the consequences of my actions, I left full of hope and excitement. For once I was at a point where I knew I wanted to live life and experience all that it had to offer.

I was in love.
I was happy.

Over a year later and I am sitting here; still kind of happy, but sad in knowing that my boyfriend hits me and that life shouldn't be like this.

I'm still in love.

There's no doubt about that. Frank is a lovely guy; as hard as that may be to believe and I truly hope that we can work through all of our problems together.

At the moment I have hope but I'm very aware that it will be hard work for a while longer yet. I'm very tired of it all and feeling it physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I guess I'm wondering if Frank really does see how bad this all has me feeling inside and I guess I'm wondering if at the end of all this Frank will realise just how much he has put me through.

I Still Love You xxx