He Who Laughs Last Didn't Get It

Why I'm removing my profile from Match 6 weeks early

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:33:00 +0000

So…Match.com…yeah, it’s not my favorite thing in the world, but it’s a necessity for someone like myself who likes to stay in more than I like to go out. Don’t get me wrong, I like to go out, and I like to have fun, but I only go out when I have a plan, I don’t like to go out just to go out. I had to find a way to be more social and put myself out there to the world, and by world I mean eligible bachelors.

It seemed like a good solution six weeks ago.

I’m not gonna lie, I have met a great guy on Match, let’s call him Mr. Great Guy. But it is still too early in the game to know what the future may hold. Let’s just say I’m keeping my fingers crossed, he’s a good catch. At the same time that I met Mr. Great Guy, I also met Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster. As you can tell by their names, they are two totally different guys.

The main difference between the two, well, I think you can assume what that is by their names alone, so let’s say the 2nd main difference between the two is that I have spent some time with Mr. Great Guy, I haven’t ever met Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster in person…and I never will.

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster and I had been trying to find a time to meet for a drink, but our schedules were difficult and it never worked out, until this week. We had plans to meet for a drink tonight. But last night, I had to cancel due to a last minute work thing. Secretly, I was relieved as I wasn’t really excited about meeting Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster in person. He wasn’t really my type and he had to convince me to meet him. That is never a good sign.

Anyway, I knew he had his daughter last night and it would be difficult to talk, so I shot him a quick text message to see if I could have a rain check. I didn’t really want a rain check, but I thought it was the nice thing to do.

I thought you might enjoy our brief yet drama filled text conversation.

Me: Hey, I just found out I have to sit in a meeting tomorrow that will probably last until 6:30 or 7…can I have a rain check on drinks?

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster: Hey. It is fine. I have been on Match long enough to understand what this means. It was nice to meet you. Take Care.

Me: Wow! Thanks for judging and trusting me before you even get to know me.

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster: No problem. Take care as I said. I got approval to get off work early. It’s not a big deal. Bye.

Me: Look, if I didn’t want to go out with you I would tell you, but the fact that you immediately thought I was lying is enough for me to know that we wouldn’t have been a good match anyway.

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster: I agree, it is a bad match. I don’t want to play games. I’m sure your Mr. Right is out there. Just not someone who cancels a day before because they all of the sudden had to work. Take care.

Me: Wow! It’s no wonder your single! Your ability to be flexible is awesome! If I cared enough I would send you the message from my boss, but I don’t. Thanks for calling me a game player. Please don’t ever contact me again.

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster: No worries on that. You are very insulting.

Me: (crickets…no reply)…at this point I’m done with this dude.

But then, I wake up to this text message from him this morning…

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster: I want to apologize for my reaction last night. Not that I’m trying to make excuses but I have a younger cousin who has Chrones Disease and is in bad shape. We are back to square one. So I am sorry, I was in a horrible mood over this and took it out on our conversation. I didn’t want to leave you with a bad taste about me. We thought he had a donor for a new liver and I was texting him while I was texting you and found out the donor was not the match they thought it was. I’m a good person and sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me. I wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for. Take care.

I kid you not, that is our text conversation verbatim!

In a way I feel bad. I am a very compassionate person and I wouldn’t wish his situation on anyone, but on the other hand, I don’t want to reply to his last message and open it up for more conversation.

Now…I’m off to remove my profile from Match.

If things with Mr. Great Guy work out, I would be thrilled, but if they don’t I am not willing to subject myself to anymore people like Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster. I just don’t have the energy

The perfect job

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:01:00 +0000

I have been blessed with the perfect job for the last 9 months.

I absolutely love it!

I love going into work every day. I love the people I work with…they keep me laughing daily. But most importantly, I have a boss who respects me yet challenges me at the same time.

So you can imagine my excitement when Gibson, my eight year old, came home and told me that they were “applying for jobs” in his classroom. On the day of his interview, he actually showered before school, doused himself with AXE and wore a tie because he wanted to look his best.

As a part of this process, he had to fill out a job application and then wait to hear if he got the job he applied for. He brought his application home and in typical Gibby fashion, it made me laugh.

Here is what it said…

#1 job choice: Librarian
Why do I think I would be good for this job?: Because I like books and I like to read (I’m not gonna lie, this made me proud)

#2 job choice: Hall Monitor
Why do I think I would be good for this job? Because I know where everybody is supposed to be (translate: he loves to tell people what to do)

But my favorite job choice was his number three choice…

#3 job choice: Substitute Teacher
Why do I think I would be good for this job? Because I have lots of skills.

This made me literally laugh out loud! He definitely does not lack for confidence.

I love that boy!

Is a Kiss just a Kiss?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:45:00 +0000

One of my favorite past times is kissing. I love it! With the right person, in the right environment, it can be an awesome experience.

In fact, this is what I think most women visualize when they kiss someone they really like….

And this is what I think most men visualize when they are in the middle of a make out session…

But in reality, this is probably more what most people look like when they are in the middle of a make out session…

Don’t cringe, laugh or judge, you know I’m right. Have you ever unexpectedly seen a couple kissing passionately in public?

I'm sexy and I know it

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 23:58:00 +0000

Being in Cabo for six days without my kids was both awesome and difficult. I love Cabo and really needed to get away, but I missed my kids too. I’m ok being away from my kids when I’m less than 2-3 hours away, but the thought of being at least 12 hours from being able to be near them in an emergency, was very difficult for me.

Needless to say, I’m glad to be home.

As you all know, I played hookey from work and they played hookey from school yesterday so that we could spend some good quality time together. Shhh, don’t tell their teachers. As far as the schools are concerned, they were both “a little under the weather.” We spent a good portion of the day at our local sports center playing basketball, dodgeball, and flipping in the foam pit.

We had a blast.

On our way home we were all tired and listening to the local “pop” music station. I hate this kind of music, but it’s all the rage with kids…and by kids I mean those ages 10-15 as well as single adults from the ages of 35-50 who are trying to be hip.

But I digress…

Anyway, the song “I’m Sexy and I know it” by LMFAO was on the radio. I have to be honest and tell you that I have never actually listened to the words of the song until Hamilton, my 10 year old, asked me the following question.

Hamilton: Mom, what does he mean when he says “I have passion in my pants and I’m not afraid to show it?"

Me: (thinking to myself) Oh shit, I don’t want to have this conversation now, he’s only 10.

Hamilton: Mom, did you hear me?

Me: (trying to buy some time) No, what was your question again?

Hamilton: What does this song mean when he says “I have passion in my pants and I’m not afraid to show it”?

Me: What do you think he means?

Hamilton: I think that maybe it’s just that he likes to dance.

Me: That’s exactly what he means.

Gibson (my 8 year old): No, I think it means something TOTALLY different (emphasis on totally).

Me: Oh yeah Gibson, what do you think he means?

Gibson: I think he is talking about that part in the movie that Hamilton watched at school (you know the “sex” movie that all 5th graders watch in school) when they talk about the boys and their “reactions”

Me: (a little perplexed) What do you mean “reaction”?

Gibson: Don’t make me say it!

Me: I don’t know what you are talking about when you say “reaction”

Gibson: You know mom, when boys get boners.

Me: No! I don’t think that is what they are talking about at all! It’s definitely all about dancing.

Hamilton: (completely embarrassed that the conversation has moved from dancing to “erections”) yeah, let’s just stick with the dancing!

…and scene! That, my friends is just a little bit of my life in the past 24 hours with 2 boys.

Don’t hate me!

Adult Time Out

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:15:00 +0000

I've been here...

...taking a much needed adult time out.

It's now Monday morning and I am back to reality. Guess what I'm doing my first day back?

Yep, I'm playing hookey with these guys...

Shhhhhhhh....don't tell their schools. Last time we did this I got in trouble!

I will be back later in the week with some great blog posts.

My 1 New Years Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 02:42:00 +0000

If you are anything like me, you make resolutions every year only to break them before the month of January is even over.

Well, this year I am making one resolution…and that is to diet. I know if I could just lose a few pounds I would feel a lot better about myself.

And to make that happen, I have one lifestyle change that I am going to make. No, I’m not going to eat any different, no I’m not going to change my exercise routine any, and no, I’m not going to mentally convince myself that I need to do either of these things.

No, this year, I’m doing things different.

And by different I mean, this year, every time I think I am hungry I will commence with naked jumping jacks in front of the mirror...no matter where I am!

Yep, that’s my plan! Just the thought of that alone makes me want to throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I apologize in advance to anyone who may see me performing this desperate ritual, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

Ready for 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 00:57:00 +0000

2011 was a rough year for me, hence the 4 month blogging break during the summer/fall. I thought it was going to be a great year, after all, I turned 40 in March. I was ready, I was prepared to be a new woman, but then things changed. I got my heart broken, I battled with a bout of depression, and my grandma, whom I was very close to, passed away.

The toughest one of the three to deal with was the death of my grandma. Heartbreak can be healed with time and depression can be healed with drugs, but the death of someone close to you is often very difficult to get over.

She lived 92 wonderful years, 40 of which I had the pleasure of sharing with her. When I was 28 my mom, her oldest daughter passed away. When that happened, my grandma was one of the women in my life that also took on the “mother” role. These last twelve years, have been special with her. Our bond has grown stronger and stronger over the years.

She passed away in October. I was prepared, yet devastated at the same time. The last few months of her life I made notes of several of the things she told me that I wanted to always remember. As I looked back on these things, I realized she was preparing me for her death. She was trying to say all of the things to me that she wanted me to remember and share throughout my life.

So, in honor of my grandma, here are her little anecdotes on life…

Follow your heart- When I was going through my divorce, she said this to me many times. She knew that I had enough people in my life giving me their opinions of what I should and shouldn’t do. But not her, even though she didn’t agree with me and the Ex divorcing, she always told me to follow my heart. I will always cherish that.

Say what I need to say- Even though she didn’t always say what she needed to say, she always wanted to keep peace in the family, she encouraged me to always say what I needed to say. If you don’t, you will always wonder “what if…”

Do what I need to do- She was always very supportive of me and the things I chose to do in my life, she always told me to prioritize and do what I “need” to do. Sometimes our needs get pushed aside by our wants and I struggled with this a lot, especially early on in my divorce. It was a gentle reminder that my kids needs should come ahead of my wants…this was a valuable lesson for me.

Make a difference- This was her shout to me to be passionate about something and to make a difference. She didn’t care what it was but she always stressed how important it was to be passionate about something. She was passionate about her faith and sharing it with others. In 2012, I’m determined to find my passion.

Find true love, he’s out there- After my divorce from the Ex, she was quick to remind me, that he was the doofus and obviously not my true love. She encouraged me until the day she died, not to give up on finding my true love. She knows he is out there for me. I am choosing to believe her!

Always be happy and grateful- She was always happy and grateful. I cannot remember a time when my grandma was not grateful for the things she had. She may not have had a lot in life, but she was loved and that is all that mattered to her. I loved this about her!

Be proud of yourself- this is the number one thing I will always remember about my grandma. I cannot remember a time that she would not take the opportunity to tell me how proud of me she was. Whether it be in a letter or in a face to face conversation, she always told me she was proud of me. To this day, I tell my kids everyday that I am proud of them, and I attribute that to her always telling me how proud she was of me, no matter what was going on in my life.

Become the best version of yourself that you can be- I’m determined to accomplish this! I’m not sure what the “best version” of me looks like, but I hope I will know it when I get there.

Forgive those that hurt you- this was always big with my grandma! From the moment my Ex walked out on me she told me that I needed to forgive him, but not for him, for myself. And you know what, she was right. I have learned that forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving, it is for yourself so that you can move on!

It’s obvious that my grandma was a good woman! I hope one day that I can be as good of a grandmother to my grandkids as she was to me, my brothers and my cousins. I miss her terribly every day. But every day I am also reminded of one of these little tidbits that she left me with, and for that I will forever be grateful!

Bad Santa

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:49:00 +0000

So the Christmas season is officially over and I can't believe I forgot to share two things with you...

The first being the Kardashian Christmas Card Photo (below)

Is it just me or do they all look unhappy here? I bet they weren't thinking about "the reason for the season" during this photo shoot, I guarantee they were thinking about about the fact that Kim can't be single for any period of time...the thought of her possibly dating Kanye West would make me have that look on my face too.

...And the 2nd thing I forgot to share with you this year, is the disturbing message we (and by we, I mean me) got from Santa this year.

***If you have kids that are still believers…please stop here for two reasons; 1) I’m a little concerned that you let your young children read this blog and 2) this is a story of how my 8 year old almost became a nonbeliever this year.

So Gibson brings home a phone number, given to him by his 2nd grade teacher, to call and see if you have been put on Santa’s naughty or nice list. We call it, on speaker phone, and this is the message we get…

“You have been confirmed on the naughty list, you will receive nothing for Christmas you naughty little bitch, WTF, our analysis of your phone concluded that you have completed one of the following; robbery, kidnapping, or murder, but chances are your crime was not stopping at a stop sign and throwing recyclable goods in the trash. Regardless, we have concluded that you will receive nothing for Christmas, which of course, is the reason why Santa hates your guts.“

I kid you not…this is the message that we listened to…all the way through.

Now some of you might be asking, why didn’t you hang up after you heard the word bitch? I tried, I really did, but it was almost as if my arm was too heavy to lift and I couldn’t disconnect. I was enthralled.

It’s not an excuse, but it is what it is.

At the end of the conversation, I looked over at Gibson and he looked a little like this…

I spent the next 20 minutes reassuring him that someone was messing with Santa’s phone and that he didn’t mean any of those things. He seemed fine and went to bed great.

The next morning, however, I was awakened by the sounds of little footsteps coming into my room even before my alarm went off. Gibby, that’s what I call him, snuggled up next to me and said “Mom, I was up all night thinking about that message from Santa. I wanted you to know that I don’t think he really meant all of those mean things he said about YOU.”

Ahhh…the innocence of an 8 year old at Christmas.

At least I still had a believer for another year.

Wilbur, Part Deux

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 03:02:00 +0000

So when we left yesterday I was telling you about my date from hell with Wilbur.

The teaser that I left you all with was the fact that I was contacted by Wilbur’s ex the day after the date from hell.

If I may get off on a little side bar here, I must tell you that I cannot believe the number of ex’s who go out of their way to stalk their ex-boyfriends and contact the new women in their lives. So far, I have been contacted by the ex’s of the last 3 people I have gone out on a date with or had a relationship with. First there was the Hot Fireman, then there was the two ex-girlfriends and one ex-wife of Mr. Perfect for Me who all contacted me at one point or another either during our relationship or after it ended, and now, Wilbur. I just don’t get it.

Anywho… here is the scene as it played out…

I woke up the Monday after my date with Wilbur to the following message in my Facebook inbox…

“Hi, He Who Laughs Last. I’m sorry to reach out to you in this way, but I’m Wilbur’s former girlfriend. I have had my world turned upside down by him. I won’t say anything more, but PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Do not share this with him or he may make my life even more miserable than it already is. Just don’t get to close to him or you will find out for yourself how your life can be forever changed. If you ever want to talk, my number is *******.”

So normally this kind of stuff doesn’t bother me, but the fact that “PLEASE BE CAREFUL” is in all caps and bolded made me kind of freak out a little. After all, I’m a mom of 2 little boys and I don’t ever want to feel like I have put them in harms way. After further consideration, I decided to call her…another big mistake. I learned a lot of things that I did NOT need to know.

I won’t share the entire conversation with you, but here is a brief snippit...

Me: So, do I need to worry about the safety of my children?

Ex-Wilbur: Ummmmm, I, ummmmm, no, I wouldn’t think so.

Me: (to myself) huh, I’m not reassured by that answer at all.

Me: So how did you find me?

Ex-Wilbur: Wilbur sent his best friend an email with your Facebook profile and picture attached and said “check out this hot chick I have a date with this weekend” (…and the douchebag, cc’d her on the message.)

Me: (again, to myself) what a douchbag.

Ex-Wilbur: if you want to date him, that’s great and all, but just be careful, he will make your life miserable.

Me: Don’t worry, I have absolutely no interest in Wilbur. We have nothing in common. I’m not attracted to him whatsoever and I’m not interested in ever seeing him again. And by ever, I mean as a friend, on a date, as a facebook buddy, pen pal, etc…

Ex-Wilbur: I just think he is misunderstood. People don’t give him a chance

Me: He’s yours….take him…I don’t want anything to do with him

Ex-Wilbur: Well, I hope you are sure, because he broke my heart

Me: Do I need to spell it out for you? I-M N-O-T I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-E-D!!!!

Ex-Wilbur: Just don’t let him hurt you

Me: Really? What part of I’m not interested do you not understand?

Ex-Wilbur: if you just gave him a chance you would see what I saw.

Me: Nope…again not interested

Me: Thanks for your time

Ex-Wilbur: I think he may be a bit bipolar

Me: Ok, I need to go

Ex-Wilbur: some days he can be so sweet, but others he just goes crazy

Me: Take care

Ex- Wilbur: Once he even lied about his mom having cancer

Me: What? Who does that?

Ex-Wilbur: I think he was just trying to save our relationship

Me: Again, I don’t have any need in my life for a person like that. Take him he is yours

Ex-Wilbur: I think it’s over between us

Me: And that's a bad thing?

…and Scene!

Now do you see why I hate dating? The conversation actually got worse, but I will spare you the details…

Wilbur

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 02:30:00 +0000

I recently watched The Switch with Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston. It wasn’t my favorite movie, in fact, it wasn’t even in my top 100 favorite movies. It was ok…yeah, just ok. Even though I fell asleep about half way through, one thing Jason Bateman said in the narrative at the beginning will stick with me forever.

He says…

“Look at us. Running around always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection, and for some people it happens at first sight, it’s when you know you know. It’s fate working its magic. And that’s great, for them, they get to live in a pop song, right? But that’s not the way it really works. That’s not the way I see it. For the rest of us it is a bit less romantic, it’s complicated, it’s messy. It’s about horrible and fumbled opportunities and not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it.”

At least that’s the way it usually is for me.

…Until this summer, and my date with Wilbur.

You see, with Wilbur, I did the unthinkable…I was completely honest with him…and it felt good!

Wilbur and I went to high school together. We graduated in a class of 870 students a little over 20 years ago, and I can honestly say, I don’t ever remember one conversation with him. I knew of him, but we hung out in different crowds…polar opposite crowds.

Anyway, we connected on Facebook and made plans to do things a couple of times during our year or so Facebook friendship. But each time we made plans, things fell through and we never seemed to be able to connect, until I got really great seats to a Colts game. He’s a Colts fan, so I decided to invite him to go with me.

In the immortal words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake! Huge!”

So rather than bore you with all of the details of the date from hell, I thought I would just share with you some of the things that any normal human being would have seen as reasons that “she’s just not that into you.”

• Within the first 5 minutes of our drive to the stadium, Wilbur was making comments like “the next time we go out” and “when we see each other again” all followed up with complete silence by me.

• When he broke out his camera at the pre-game festivities and said “wow, these pictures of your ass are going to be great” and I just gave him the evil eye.

• I started my “honesty is the best policy” process when his friend’s wife said “you are great, Wilbur has never brought anyone like you to a party.” And I responded with “let’s be honest, you and I both know we will never ever see each other again.” And she smiled at me with a look of understanding in her eyes.

• When he said, “you can introduce me to your VP’s if you want” (who were sitting next to me) and I responded with “no thank you.”

• Last but not least, when I faked an illness at half time and asked him to take me to my car.

The sad part is that even after all of that, Wilbur still didn’t get the hint that I wasn’t interested. I thought for sure that me jumping out of the car even before it came to a complete stop at the end of the “date” would be obvious signs that I just wasn’t in to him.

But oh no, the obviousness continued, when he sent me pictures later that night from the events of the day. The thought of looking at the pictures made me cringe, so as soon as I got his emails with the pictures I deleted them permanently before even looking at them. At the time I think I thought that if I didn’t look at them, then the date didn’t actually exist.

That’s a logical thought, right?

For a few days after the game Wilbur tried several times to contact me. Finally he left me a message that said “I need to talk to you ASAP”. It was then that I realized that he would not leave me alone until I was honest with him. So I contacted him and decided to tell it like it is and not sugar coat a thing. And it worked! I told him I was not interested in him, in any way. I didn’t want to pursue a friendship or relationship of any kind. I wasn’t interested in being a phone buddy, pen pal, email buddy or text buddy. I told him he wasn’t my type and to please not contact me anymore. And to this day I haven’t heard from him.

But, the next day, I did get contacted by...

Stay tuned, you won’t believe what happened next.

Back in the saddle again

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:04:00 +0000

It’s been 4 months and I have realized one thing…

I MISS WRITING!

I miss sharing my stories. I miss hearing myself talk out loud when I’m writing. But most of all, I miss my friends in the blog world.

So, I’m challenging myself to pick up writing again in the new year, but in order to do this, I must date again. After all, what is a dating blog without stories about dating? Right?

I have some stories from the summer that are doozies, but more importantly, I’m looking forward to putting myself back out in the dating pool in 2012.

Is it scary? Heck yes it is, but what is a girl to do…continue to sit at home on Saturday nights? I think not. I will never meet anyone that way…at least that's what all my friends tell me.

So stay tuned as I dust off my computer, put my brain to use and spill out some funny stories, some of which may or may not include:

• Being contacted by the ex’s of two separate guys I went out with (one time each) this summer
• Being spit on by Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue
• Being called an “old lady” at a bar in Chicago
• Being a single mom from Thanksgiving thru Valentine’s Day
• Having a secret crush on one of the dads from my sons basketball team

I know…It’s about as exciting as Christmas Eve is to a six year old…you can’t wait, can you?

And I can’t wait to share!

Stay tuned…

This is the end

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 01:53:00 +0000

I'm shuttin' it down people!

I'm sorry to say, it's been a long tough summer and I just don't have it in me to write anymore.

Rest assured I will still be reading all of my favorite blogs, but for now, I just don't have it in me anymore to write my own.

Good luck to you all!

Family

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 16:23:00 +0000

This is Hamilton, my 10 year old.

This is Gibson, my 7 year old.

This is us on a good day...

This is them...on a typical day...

Yeah, they're keepers!

Open Letter, the Dating Version

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 01:20:00 +0000

Dear Ex(s),

No, I did not delete you or block you from my Facebook account. Quite frankly, I’m tired of Facebook and deactivated my page last week, but that’s not the point of this letter. The point of this letter, is to remind you that you dumped me. And when you dump me you no longer have the right to know what I am doing, or see what I am up to, or look at my pictures. You lost that privilege when you chose to move on!

Sincerely,

You snooze you loose
************************************************************

Dear Suitor,

I don’t really care if it was one of my dear friends that recommended we connect. If the 2nd word in your initial email to me is the word “seen” and the first word is “I”, as in “I seen that you and I….” I can tell you it won’t happen between the two of us. I’m not a grammar snob by any means, but “I seen” is just too hilljack for my liking.

Sincerely,
A Dating Snob

*************************************************************

Dear Recent Date,

I don’t know how else to say this, but I’m not interested.

Sincerely,
Read the clues

*************************************************************

Dear You Know Who You Are,

I’m sorry! I wish you would give me a chance to explain better. What you “heard” me say is not what I was “trying to say”. Oh, and when I said you couldn’t come over, the real reason didn’t have anything to do with my dad…

Sincerely,
Please let me explain

*************************************************************

Dear Instant Gratification Girl,

Good things come to those who wait!

Sincerely,
Patience is a virtue
*************************************************************

Question...

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 23:23:00 +0000

...if I drink an entire bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita, is it still considered a skinny girl cocktail?

Through the eyes of a mother

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 00:53:00 +0000

I hate it when I let more than a few days fall between my blog posts. I start to feel guilty after about 24-48 hours of not posting. I feel guilty because I am so ADD that if people don’t post a few times a week on their blogs, I tend to lose interest, and I don’t want anyone losing interest in my fabulous stories!

For that…I apologize!

And to make up for it, I have another great Gibson story to tell you. For those of you that don’t know me or my family very well, Gibson is my 7 year old. He is a very fun loving, energetic, emotional child. He reminds me a lot of myself at his age. Oh, who am I kidding, he reminds me of myself now as a 40 year old woman.

He just wants to be loved and accepted by everyone and if he gets the slightest indication that you may not like him, he takes it very personal and sometimes finds it difficult to recover from that emotionally. He is funny…actually, he is hysterical! (he gets that from me) He gets frustrated easy. (he gets that from his dad) But my favorite thing about him is his creativity. He loves to draw, write, and make mini movies.

A couple of weeks ago, I took Gibson and Hamilton, my 10 year old, to our local 4th of July community festival. One of the booths at this festival was a caricature booth. You know, the place where you sit in a chair for 10 minutes and the artists creates an overly large, comical rendition of your face. I love these kinds of whimsical things. So I forked out the $20 a piece and had the artist do individual pictures of the boys.

Here is Gibson…

…Isn’t he cute? I love his freckles!

And this is Hamilton…

…he is so grown up, it makes me want to cry.

And this, my dear friends, is a caricature of me, drawn by Gibson.

I know, I know, it made you want to throw up in your mouth a little didn’t it? Only a mom could love this picture as much as I do, but if I were being honest with you, every time I look at it, I can’t help but think of this…

…and that makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

But that’s my life…and I love it

Epic FAIL

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 00:35:00 +0000

My date…you know the one with “Mr. Showerhead”? Yeah, it didn’t go so well.

It’s the story of my life.

I tried really hard…I did.

I tried to make a good impression, even though it wasn’t our first.

We have spent many many mornings together in the past, but nothing quite as quaint as what I was expecting this past weekend.

I was prepared…more so than any other date in the past.

I had on comfortable clothes, didn’t eat all day, and was eager for what was to come.

I brought all the right tools, had all the appropriate…ahem…protection and was raring to go.

But guess what?

I didn’t even get to first base.

Nope, not even close!

I couldn’t even budge the damn showerhead. I tried all different angels with the wrench and it wouldn’t move. Mr. Jackhole put the showerhead on so damn tight that I couldn’t loosen it, no matter how hard I tried!

Damn!

Another dating disappointment.

I tried not to take it personally, but you all know me, I always take rejection in my dating life personally.

Thank goodness my brother is coming to town this weekend.

Fixing the showerhead will be first on his “brother-do” list!

It's on!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:06:00 +0000

Have you ever reached a point in life where you either have to accept whatever you are doing and just exist or stop talking about what you used to be and do something completely different?

Maybe?

Well, I’m there!

I’m 40! I’m too old to just exist and accept my life as it is.

Yeah, I’ve gotten the shaft a time or two. Get your head out of the gutter people, by “shaft” I mean jipped on life!

I’ve picked up the pieces of my life a time or two as well.

But lately, I’ve just been existing. I’m tired of existing!

I want more.

I want to be happy.

So I’m going to fight…fight for what I want.

Currently what I want, may not want me, but I’m too old to let it pass me by.

I’m fighting…

I’m fighting for me for once…

I’m scared and sick to my stomach, but I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder…”what would have happened if I just sucked it up and went for what I wanted?”.

Nope…that’s not going to be me…not again!

For once, I’m putting me first and letting my walls come down…

Wish me luck…I’m not the kind of girl who usually “wins” in these types of situations, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s on like Donkey Kong!!!!

I have a date

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 22:47:00 +0000

This weekend is going to be very exciting in the He Who Laughs Last household. Not only will there be the consumption of lots of food and alcohol, good concerts, lots of family, girlfriend time and awesome fireworks, but sprinkled in amongst all that 4th of July goodness, is a date.

Stop rubbing your head in confusion…you heard me correct…a date.

But not just any date.

Oh no, this date will be unlike any other date I have ever been on. In fact, it will be a first in the book of He Who Laughs Last.

No, it’s not with Ryan Reynolds…damn people, stop getting me all excited about something that we all know will never happen!

I have a date with….drum roll please….

…my shower head!

And I’m so excited!

Yep, I even put it on my calendar for Saturday afternoon, in between my haircut and the Motley Crue concert. Oh yeah…you heard me correct…Motley Crue…4th row. (I hope to have some exciting stories to report about his particular event)…Motley Crue, not the date with “Mr. Shower head”.

And because I haven’t had much luck dating lately, I did what any single girl would do who is anxious about a date…I googled him…and I came up with multiple DIY instructions.

I’m anxious, excited and nervous all at the same time…kind of like a real date. The only difference is, I won’t be shaving my legs for this one.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be good…I can feel it!

Match maker, Match maker, make me a match...

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 01:01:00 +0000

In case you aren’t aware yet, my kids are all about finding me a significant other. I would say it’s because they care about their mom’s happiness, but that would be a lie. I believe, in my heart, that they care so much about it because I care so much about it. They know I’m writing a book…they know I have this blog. They don’t read either, but they always say things like, “that would be good for your blog” or “hey mom, can we watch the Tooth Fairy? You know there is a little eye candy in that movie for you?”

Is this right...No.

Is this good parenting…No.

But, it is what it is, I am who I am…I’m not gonna hide it from anyone...not even my kids.

Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not the kind of girl who brings home every guy I go on a date with. In fact, in the six years I have been divorced, my dad has met three of the guys I dated, and my kids have met one. I even dated a guy for 9 months that I didn’t introduce to my kids or my dad.

I’m very protective of who my family, especially my kids, meet!

So, tonight, I’m at home, doing some writing when I hear the pitter patter of three seven year old boys coming up the stairs. Ok…if I were being honest with you, I would tell you that I smelled three sweaty seven year olds coming up the stairs before I could hear them. I hate the way kids smell when they have been running and playing outside in the heat…it smells like a college fraternity in my house…I can’t wait to break out the Febreeze when they all go home.

Anyway, back on track…Gibson, and his two friends Brycen and Dillon come barreling up the stairs. Gibson starts yelling at me with excitement, “mom…mom…Dillon’s dad is at the park you have to come down and meet him.”

Now, you might be wondering why Gibson was so excited for me to meet Dillon’s dad. No, it’s not because he is single. It’s because Gibson has been dying to go to Dillon’s house to play and every time he asks I say no. Why do I say no? I say no, because I have never met Dillon’s parents before. And I guess I’m just the kind of mom that is protective enough of my kids that I need to meet the parents living in the houses that my kids spend time in before they actually spend time there.

It makes sense, right?

So I go downstairs and walk across the street to the park, and Dillon’s dad comes over to me and says (and I quote verbatim), "Hi, I’m Tim. I’m Dillon’s dad. It’s nice to finally meet you. Gibson talks a lot about you and reminds me every time that I see him that I would love you because you are funny and single.”

I kid you not…I can’t make this stuff up people.

I’m standing there, uncomfortable, embarrassed and anxious to go back inside when Tim realizes that he probably embarrassed me and says, “you wouldn’t be interested in me anyway, I’m married with 4 kids under the age of nine…that’s enough to scare all the ladies off.”

I openly laughed out loud of the truthfulness in his words.

Uncomfortable, inappropriate, and priceless all at the same time!

Random thoughts...

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 21:12:00 +0000

To the guy next to me at the red light, I can see you picking your nose…even through tinted windows, please stop.

You can never convince a 10 and 7 year old that their grumpy and whiney behavior is due to the fact that they are tired. They never think they are tired.

A weekly manicure and pedicure is the best thing a girl could do for herself.

Flashing my way to the front row of a Motley Crue concert in my 20’s was a thrill. Doing it in my 40’s could be a reality in the next couple of weeks, this both excites me and frightens me at the same time.

This week my dad took my kids to see a movie. He gave them two choices, either Green Lantern, or Mr. Popper’s Penguins. Gibson’s response was “we better see Mr. Popper’s Penguins, mommy will be mad if we go see her boyfriend without her.” Man, I love that boy, always thinking about his momma!

One thing I both love and hate about my new job is that they highly encourage employees to bring a spouse or significant other to most company functions/meetings/seminars. That’s a lot of pressure for a girl without a significant other anywhere in sight.

I have 3 weeks and 3 days to find a “significant other”. I’m not feeling good about my chances.

Wonders how my brothers and I ever survived without XBOX, Wii, iPods, cell phones, and cable television.

WARNING: if you ask a child for thoughts on what you are wearing, they WILL BE HONEST with you! And I quote Gibson verbatim this weekend…”mom, if you wear that dress, you will be single for the rest of your life.” I wore the dress anyway, and now more than ever, I believe his every word.

Wishing my house clean, does NOT make my house clean.

I love my new Nook…hence the reason my house is not clean.

Having dinner with new girlfriends is awesome! But when one of those new girlfriends is texting/IM’ing on her cell phone the entire evening, it becomes very clear that she will NOT be a new girlfriend. I don’t have time for people that won’t take five minutes to get to know me and realize that I can be more entertaining than a damn cell phone in a nice restaurant….bitter, party of 1?

Summer Lovin'

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 01:38:00 +0000

Summer started this week!

I’m so excited!

Here’s just a few things I’m lovin’ for summer…

1. Iced tea…

...I’m not gonna lie…I drink it year round. But in the summer it tastes especially good!

2. Running through the sprinkler

…the laughter that this insues is priceless

3. Ryan Reynolds…shirtless

…no other explanation necessary

4. Road Trips with the one you love

…of course I’m still working on “the one you love” part

5. Being carefree

6. Sun flowers

7. Watermelon

8. Girlfriends

9. Berries

...YUMMO!

10. Fourth of July

…Freedom…Independence…Enough said!

Word of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 23:24:00 +0000

I made up a word this weekend.

Closure-ish: (n) A part of closure; to make oneself believe that one has received finality in a relationship in order to desperately pack away thoughts in the back of one’s mind, never to be seen again…until the next time the phone rings.

Yep…that’s a pretty accurate definition, don’t you think?

Don’t think I just came up with this word out of the blue. Oh no, there is a story behind it.

As most of you know, I got my heart broken in February by Mr. Jackhole. It’s the story of my life! For those of you that don’t know, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and let my walls down for the first time in six years with Mr. Jackhole. He swore he wouldn’t eff up the relationship, but he did.

I wasn’t surprised.

Anyway, the past 4 months he has been sending me random text messages to “check up on me”. Until a couple of weeks ago, I would just give him very brief curt responses to his messages. Then one day a couple of weeks ago, we began carrying on actual conversations via text. I figured, why not…what could it hurt to be nice to the guy?

I’m not one that holds grudges for any length of time.

Long story short, he came to town this past weekend.

We met for drinks.

He brought his “A Game”.

Damn you Mr. Jackhole…I love you’re “A Game”!

He was sweet, funny, talkative and most important, apologetic. He apologized for everything. We talked, laughed and drank the night away. I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to forget the past and how much he hurt me and just let things go back to the way they used to be between us.

Because I will admit, things were great between us.

Every time he made me remember how good things were between us, I put my mind in reverse and reminded myself how much he hurt me in the end. When we kissed, I had to force myself to remember how he effed things up between us. And each time he made me laugh, I immediately replaced the laughter with the recollection of the painful end to our relationship.

It was this that enabled me to remind him that he effed things up between us and that I didn't know if I could trust him again.

Closure-ish…I’m good until the next time I see him or he texts me…

A girl can only be so strong for so long!

What men want

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 21:42:00 +0000

I have met so many fabulous people at my new job! I mean FABULOUS! They are not only fun to work with, but the best part is that the ones I sit next to have the same sense of humor as I do…you know, dry, witty and very VERY sarcastic…and this makes work FUN.

I was having lunch with some of them on Friday and one of the guys made this comment to me, he said, “it’s no wonder you are still single, guys like to be needed and it is very clear that you don’t “need” a guy.”

I was shocked!

He was right…I don’t “need” a guy…but I "want" one.

So, we carried on with the conversation a little more…you know in a very funny, sarcastic way. He got all “girly” and giggled at everything I said…you know in a way that girls are supposed to when they want to get the attention of a guy.

Yeah…that’s not my style.

My style is to show the guys that come across my path, that I am a put together independent woman. I have a great job that I love. I can support myself and my family. I own my own house. I have my shit together (thanks to 4 years of therapy). I have a great ex-husband who is a terrific father. I have two boys that are at a stage where they realize that it is a good possibility that I will be in a relationship one day with someone other than their dad.

These qualities are what makes me…me!

Apparently, these qualities scare men off.

So here’s the deal. I had an ah ha moment this weekend. And here it is…

I guess I do need a man in my life!

You know what made me come to this conclusion?

Here it is…

I hate my showerhead!

Yep…that’s what made me realize that I NEED a man in my life.

So here’s the deal…I need a man to come over and fix it for me.

It has been driving me crazy for months now, and I’m afraid to take it apart and fix it, at the risk of breaking it.

I could wait for my brother to come to town and fix it, but I don’t think I can wait that long. You know, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl!

So if your single, a handyman, have your own tools, are emotionally stable, and available at all this week, let me know…I will even buy you dinner after!

Will it help if I giggle and bat my eyes when I ask, would that be more appealing to you?

Wait...what?

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 00:57:00 +0000

So…here’s a question for you…

Between me and my dad, who do you think currently has a great dating life?

Stumped?

I will give you one small hint.

No wait…I will just give you the answer…

…It’s NOT me!

For those of you that know my dad, you probably had to re-read this to make sure you read it correctly. For years, my dad has been totally against dating and being social. But something in him has recently clicked and he has been on some dates with the same woman the past month or two.

I’m so stoked for him!

It’s been almost 12 years since my mom died and I’m glad he is finally feeling comfortable enough to get out there and be social.

And the best part is that my friend has someone she wants to fix him up with too. So not only is he going on several dates with the same woman, but he also has one in the waiting if anything goes wrong with this new woman.

I know, it’s fabulous!

Now, if we could just flip the switch and put someone good in my path to date, and maybe line one up in case that doesn’t work out, it would be much appreciated!

Ready…set…GO!

Find me a date!